The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Noel, Elton and Christmas

Episode Date: December 29, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane with the team while they discuss the Frank's record breaking summer, Elton's Christmas advert and Noel Edmonds in the jungle. How marvelous!

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Sir Frank Skinner soon It's not going to be long is it Sir Frank If you got knighted Would you Be called Sir Franklin

Skinner or just keep it as Frank Sir Frankincense I don't think that's going to happen, so let's not worry about it. Worried about jinxing it. Oh, yeah, I was worried. Yeah, no jinx, no jinx tonight. I just don't want David Baddiel

wearing that leather Aztec camera jacket to the palace, that's all. You're assuming he'll get one as well. Yes, it's England are playing in the World Cup quarterfinal today. And also it's Pride in London. So we've walked Golden Square where we broadcast from. If we look down at the window, it's become a big rainbow flag. So Pride and the World Cup quarter-final,

something for everybody. Lovely. Well, it shows, doesn't it, that Pride comes in many, many forms. What a marvellous, diverse country we live in. Hoorah. Yes. No, it's all very, very very exciting I must say

It's been a very strange week I had a journalist come to my house That hasn't happened since the 90s Really? Journalists came to my house asking me for a comment about the World Cup Were they invited?

No they just knocked on the door A comment about the World Cup I said I thought the figure bearing the globe is a bit ill defined They didn't just knock on the door. No, they just knocked on the door. No. A comment about the World Cup. What did you say? I said I thought the figure bearing the globe is a bit ill-defined. And those two green bands, are they two or three green bands around the bottom of the World Cup? Makes it look like when you open a bag of pasta and then you put elastic bands around to keep it fresh.

He didn't seem... No, I didn't give a... I don't want people turning up at my house. No. I mean, even people I know. Yeah. Especially people you know. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, how inconvenient is that? You've had quite a week, though, Frank. Oh, yeah. I was genuinely... Al, I was genuinely shocked when he took my call this week. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's been very viral, hasn't he?

He's been very viral. Well, I've been very viral, but I feel much better now. You've been really viral. All over the place. It's been very viral. Very viral, but I feel much better now. He's been really viral all over the place. It's been a meme fest. Oh, but it has. I spoke to Frank in the week and he went, have you seen the memes? There are so many memes.

It is, though. I didn't really, I had this vague sense of what a meme was, but I've seen so many It's Coming Home memes this week that now I feel well first. And may I compliment you all on your marvellous invention. And then I saw, there's all these things, like there's a meme about friends when a monkey puts the music on

and it happens to be three lines and they all dance to it. And then there's one, Falls and Horses, when Del Boy puts it on and it's that music. Shawshank Redemption. on and it's that music. Shawshank Redemption. Yes, it's that one. But then there's Eric Cantona singing Football's Coming Home. And I thought, that's a clever one. And then I realised it's Eric Cantona singing Football's Coming Home.

What? What? Well, I had a weird moment where my two worlds collided, where I saw a jiu-jitsu champion who's lived in England for about ten years singing footballs coming home. That is, yeah. Which is very strange. He's Brazilian.

And I saw Bobby Charlton singing jiu-jitsu. What a coincidence. He's not well, Bob. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I don't like to take up the sort of grumpy old man role from you. That seems to be your seat. Well, I don't know.

I see you as a brother in arms. These memes are shared on the social media. They're on the internet. That's where you find them. They're on the internet. Is this an Alan Bennett play? I didn't like the internet. That's where you find them. They're on the internet, yes. Is this an Alan Bennett play? I didn't like the memes. I didn't much care for the memes. And then there was a tremendous amount of meme.

Alan Bennett impressions from your team. Yes, I think it's... You know what they say, 30 years of hurt never stop me memeing and loss it has continued that's going to be in their tabloids now I doubt it it's such a

they're funny actually properly funny which is so rare nowadays the funny Frank, a questiony here a lot of people I would say probably half my uh timeline or my mentions has been filled up with people sending me gifts of yourself and david

or you as individuals rolling in a bed of money. Oh, yeah. The question often asked, you know, how much are they coining in? So I put it to you, Frank the Skinner, how much are you coining in? You don't get anything from a meme. OK. I'm just saying you're number one. Imagine how... I don't think we are number one. Yeah, you are. Isn't it called Derek? It's Derek Ezra, I think,

the former chairman of the coal board. Oh, yeah. He's number one, isn't it? Yeah, you are. Isn't it called Derek? It's Derek Ezra, I think, the former chairman of the coal board. Oh, yeah. He's number one. Or is it George? I wish it was Derek Ezra. Derek Ezra presented me with my master's certificate. I know, my BA certificate. Other people, you talk to them,

they say, oh, yeah, we had Prince Charles giving out the things, all that stuff. Derek Ezra, head of the coal board. God bless him. certificate. Other people, you talk to people and they say, oh yeah, we had Prince Charles giving out the things and stuff like that. Derek Hensler, head of the cardboard. God bless him. And now he's kept me off number one. Can you believe it?

No, he hasn't. I don't think we're anywhere near, we're like 24. you were number one. No. Anyway, look,

I just, come on. You were beating Cardi B. Who? I'm just saying. I can't, look,

it's taken us four years for you to understand memes. I can't begin. Yeah, Cardi B. Is that how Yoda says Bacardi? Cardi B? Cardi B. Yeah. I'll explain to you.

I keep all my cardigans in alphabetical order. Very thoroughly indexes their neckwear, yeah. Today I shall be wearing cardi... B, I think. Yes. What about the... On the Friends one, it was just the... You know the three Friends

men? Schwimmer, um... Luke... Is it Luke? What's going on here? What's the name of the three men in Friends? What kind is his name? No I don't care about that

Okay you want to know the men David Schwimmer Matthew Perry Matt LeBlanc Well where was you when we needed you? I got LeBlanc Because we used to call him Matt the White on here Oh yeah we did

I had forgotten that Yeah anyway It's them dancing Fun times I thought I don't If I'd have seen Jennifer Aniston dancing to so many jokes, so many sneers, but all those, I would think I would have wept.

It would be so post-Brad. She should have covered it. Good point. Oh, it would have been great. Three lines on your eyes, and then he's off, it could have been called. Frank, who's he with now? Is he still with... Who?

Jolene? No. No, but he's got, I think, eight children. He should be with Derek Ezra, former head of the Cold Boys. Yeah. He's got eight children now. Brad Pitt, you see. I know, we get it now.

Okay. He's got eight children. Yeah, and he likes a beer. Who's he with? Mia Farrow? Eight children he's got. Still, if you can afford it. Oh, marvellous.

I haven't really had a think about Brad Pitt for a long time. Is he in decline? When you say decline, what do you mean? Do you mean physically? Is he still working? Is he still working? I think he's still working, but I think they've had some fairly public

relationship problems, isn't it? I know, I know about that. Yeah, we know about that. I haven't seen him in anything quite. Has he lost his sheen? Yes. Is Brad Pitt on the downward slope? Yeah. I've got an idea. I saw him in the downward slope? Yeah.

I've got an idea. I saw him in Pobly Coombe, a couple of weeks ago, in a guest appearance. You know that? The Welsh soap opera. Yeah. I've cleaned up the title a bit.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we play Sweden Yeah At three o'clock It's three o'clock isn't it? Yeah Three o'clock seems so wrong now for football

Football's never at three o'clock it feels like It's always at three o'clock in the good old days Back in the day How do you feel about it Frank? Well I tell you what I'm sort of slightly falling in love now with Gareth Southgate. That penalty shootout the other night, because, obviously, he ruined my perfect summer.

Many moons ago. Yeah. And now, who would have ever thought? There's a few women as well. Yeah. But it's like the wounded surgeon. Yeah. Now he comes back to make everything right. It's so perfect. But it's like the wounded surgeon. Yeah.

Now he comes back to make everything right. It's so perfect. I mean, as a bit of theatre. Yeah. It's absolutely perfect. So I love that part of it. I think whatever happens, he has become a bit of a star. National treasure. Yeah.

At least national treasure status. Brilliant. Obviously, I'm hoping it goes to a. National treasure. Yeah. At least national treasure status. Brilliant. Obviously, I'm hoping it goes to a penalty shooter. No. Oh, fine. Oh, it was so good. If you were to see me and Dave, two old men, me and Dave in Baddele,

it was a couple of... His son, who's a teenager, had got his teenage mate there and they were sitting... They were pleased, but they were, you know, just, oh, that's good. Me and Dave were like a couple were pleased but they were you know just oh that's good me and Dave were like a couple of old nutters in the park I mean literally dancing

round and round with our knees yeah lovely picture of the two of you that went viral that was I tell you what I mean I thought well I tell you what I knew the Birmingham Mail would cover it I am the Birmingham Mail would cover it. Yeah. I am the Birmingham Mail. But not the broadsheets.

Were you surprised by the broadsheets? The Telegraph. What's it in there? I don't know. Telegraph. And what I liked was the news story. It was kind of like this news just in. Frank Skinner and David Baddiel.

But Frank, we've had one of our tweeters got in touch Dave1971 yes can Frank the soothsayer find time to talk about the lottery numbers too and he's quoting you from this show on the 16th of June

right I tell you what I'm imagining is going to happen in the World Cup okay England will have a penalty shootout and because everyone will think I tell you what I'm imagining is going to happen in the World Cup. OK. England will have a penalty shootout, and because everyone will think, here we go again, but because we've brought the great sort of juju magic of a bloke who missed a major penalty, because it's his team,

the great god of penalty shootouts will think, you know what, I owe this bloke one, and that will turn it all around. The Frank Skinner Show, 16th of June, 2018. Thank you. A timestamp on the air. Well, I'm not going to predict anything today. I'll go on.

But of course they invented pornography this week. Did they? I think they've wasted quite enough of my time. So let's get them out the way and get on with it. There's such a bleak... I don't know if you know much about the Swedish team.

There's such a... You know the Scandi Noir? This thing that people... It's like that. Yeah. It's all these grim-faced figures standing in a bleak wasteland. Right.

So it's going to be a really grinding you wouldn't believe they were the country that also brought us dime bars

you love dime bars yeah but so much joy from all that dour it's like finding that North Korea invented

dealie boppers do you think they did no it's probably how they get in their wifi the best of Frank Skinner on invented dealie boppers. Do you think they did? No. It's probably how they get in their Wi-Fi. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you see the press conference at Chequers yesterday?

I did. It had this feeling of a sort of Disney movie press conference. Do you know what I mean? If you had the sort of world leaders in a Disney movie, it felt slightly unreal. I have to say, I've always felt that Donald Trump is an intrinsically

comic figure, you know. We've made sport of him on this show, but I don't really want him in our garden, if you know what I mean. I'm sort of easier with him

when he's somewhere else, but I got a bit... it used to be a thing that people used to shout at us when we was kids in the West Midlands, he's get off down your own end if he's kicking a ball about and I sort of felt that a bit

but I did I felt, I'll be straight Theresa May having to be nice to him because we'll be having to trade, we're a bit short of money, so we've got to be nice to him. I know.

Oh, that was painful. I know. I do know what it reminded me of, film-wise. Go on. Not a Disney franchise at the time, but it is now. Do you remember when Jabba the Hutt took Princess Leia as prisoner choice at the time, but it is now. Do you remember when Jabba the Hoth took Princess Leia as prisoner in that

metal bikini with the chain around her neck? It was a bit like that. That is a great analogy. It really is. That is what it was. It is. I so felt for her because she's got to be, she's got to be yeah, that was funny.

I'd rather let the people starve if I was Prime Minister. But that's probably why I'm not Prime Minister. Yes, I think you probably would. We're not all cut out for it, are we? Can we have a phone vote? If we had a phone vote, would you rather have England... Twitter poll we can do. England win the World Cup or Theresa May have turned round

mid-press conference and just said, oh, I hate you. We can do that as a Twitter poll. Let's do it. What would people rather have? Okay, let's see. I would have, you know what, whatever had happened to her, she could have stayed at our house. I'd have put her off rent free. Ambassador, you're spoiling her. I just think, wow.

If someone said, I know all about the economic implications and all that, but sometimes you've just got to tell people when you hate them. Yeah. Oh, man. He said at one point, I would give our relationship, in terms of grade, the highest level of special. And then I think he went even higher in true Trump fashion. The next time...

Even higher than that. The next time I'm in a restaurant and the waiter comes over and reads the specials, I'm going to say, what would you say was the highest level of special of those? See if they pick it up. 211 has texted, haven't we already played the ultimate British joke on Trump

by making him land at Stansted? Yeah. That's a great point. He doesn't even know. He doesn't know. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking earlier about things that people narrowly missed out on. Yes.

Like the Red Arrows, for example. Or Rationing was one of mine. Yeah, was it? Oh, yeah. You missed out on that. Were you not one of the powdered egg children? No. Rationing actually went on after the war, didn't it?

Carried on for a while, yeah. Yeah. Have you still got powdered egg? I've never had powdered egg, I must say. No. OK. Can you still get it? I'll try it live on air. If you can get it, let's have it next week, powdered egg. Oh, say. No. Okay. Can you still get it? I'll try it live on air.

If you can get it, let's have it next week, powdered egg. Oh, lovely start to the day. Always got one eye on the show budget, hasn't he? Yeah.

I'll see if I can develop trench foot and I'll tell you what that's like. Frank, I'll tell you what I still haven't tried yet. My battered safflower. Oh, you didn't get one.

I'm really sorry, but the World Cup took over my life. You wouldn't know what that's like, Frank. I think you'll find the World Cup didn't stop a lot of'm really sorry. I know, but the World Cup took over my life. You wouldn't know what that's like, Frank. I think you'll find the World Cup didn't stop a lot of people from laughing about it. The two go happily hand in hand. Good point.

Good point, well made. Anyway, I'm going to try one of those. Oh, God, I had an email last night. Big wow. I don't know if I'm supposed to announce. 1982. Maybe it's supposed to be secret. Well, then you had an email.

Oh, come on, tell us. Oh, you've got to tell us. Oh, hang on. You've not got some money that you just have to email somebody in another country, have you? Is it that? Is it a crown prince? Have I mentioned to you guys that I was involved in a road accident? Because I don't remember it, but it turns out I'm entitled.

No, I had an email. I'm probably, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this or not, but when has that bothered anyone on this show? Yeah, exactly. So I'll read it to you. Go on. Oh, my God. Oh, I mean, I mean, getting number one was amazing,

but then I got this and I thought, well. Heavens to Betsy. Here we go. Hi, Frank. I got this and I thought, well. Heavens to Betsy. Here we go. Hi, Frank. Domino Pizza would like to offer you free pizza, drink and sides for a year. Shut up. Come on! Come on!

Well. Are you having it? Are you interested, yes or no? I mean, I've never been so quick on the phone. Are you interested? Am I interested? And sides? Sides is the one.

It's not going to match your regime, though, is it? No, but I can work around it. I can get fat for a year. Yeah, but Frank, are they going to have your picture up in the shops now? No, it says no obligations, just free pizza. You don't even have to read it out on the radio tomorrow. What's in it for them?

That's a thought, actually. No, but I did. I wanted to tell you about it. It's amazing. Maybe they'll do. You know, like by royal appointment, for you and David, it'll start getting getting little three lions

I don't think David I don't know if David's gone he got pizza land he's not going to have to come round to yours for a slice of yours that would be depressing

get him a side give him a side what is a side what do you have as a side probably like chunky wedges salads potato skins

that sort of stuff that's a side I don't think that's a side oh I know chunky wedges salads potato skins that sort of stuff that's a side then you can wrap it in the pizza that'd be amazing look David and I have got the dominoes call

well that's how it works isn't it when one domino goes over oh yeah they all do then the next that's just gone right

up our road they've all got it. Oh, anyway, it was an exciting moment in my life. Obviously, it'll be even more exciting if David hasn't got it. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Frank, I've been dying to ask you this morning. Look, are you still number one? Well, I've got, have I got news for you? Oh, I've been dying to ask you this morning. Look, are you still number one? Well, have I got news for you? Oh, have I got extra news for you? Have you? Here we go. Congratulations. And jubilation.

You may remember that in going to number one for the fourth time with the same line that we broke a record last week um do you remember that yeah yeah it's obviously it's break how often do you break a record in life a proper official record that's in like you know the guinness book of hit singles type thing never is the answer you're after mate anyway but this week This week... Extraordinary. Congratulations and jubilations. We have broken the record, me, David Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds, have broken the record for the biggest ever drop from number one. Honestly, I'm not making this up.

We have dropped a... What about this for a coincidence? We have dropped a record break in 96 places 96 come on I know 96 so in one week

we've gone from 1 to 97 I mean that is that is that's big time are you just as pleased by breaking

this record as the previous one you know what? I think I am. When I heard about it, I just thought, that is... Because we knocked George Ezra off number one, and he went down to number two. Whereas we...

I mean, it's absolutely... It's like being Steve Brookstein. If you remember him early. I do remember Steve. Early X Factor winner. It is like that though. It's like you're a mega one week and the next week you are nothing. We're in the top 100.

Let's not knock it. 96 places. 96 places. Come on. That is, people just didn't say, oh, I don't like it as much as they hate. They went from loving it to be smart. Well, I don't know it as much as they hate it. They went from loving it to be smart. Well, I don't know about that, but it just stopped. Sales stopped.

It's almost as if it was tied to the performance of the England football team in some way. Yeah, in a way, they owe you. Oh, so yeah. You ever beat any of those at an event? It's like the perfect ending to the whole adventure. The whole memes thing and all that. Then we end with a fabulous record-breaking swoop into the depths.

Treat those two imposters just the same, Frank. Truly we Icarus-like did fly too close to the sun. What about impressions that most people can currently do? Okay, you did a bit of a shout-out. Peter Vernon has been in touch. impressions that most people can currently do. OK? You did a bit of a shout-out. Peter Vernon has been in touch. I was going to say, I can't do him, not sure. Wow.

Do you want to hear his suggestions? Len Goodman, seven. Oh, yes, that's that one number. Yeah. Seven. That's good. I interviewed Len Goodman, and I said I thought he was the only person I could think of

whose catchphrase was a number. Yeah. I can't think of any. Well, I would say it's quite an achievement. He's responsible for transforming the identity of the word seven. Yes. Because very few people say that without saying... Oh, yeah.

Seven! I would say him and number Johnny Five from the robot thing. Remember the robot film? Short Circuit. Oh, yeah. When he said number Johnny Five. Yeah, but. Remember the robot film, Short Circuit? Oh, yeah. When he said number Johnny Five. Yeah, but he had words in it as well. Yeah, you're right.

Well, the word was number. Len was a purist. And he also cites... I mean, he would have killed that Brad Pitt film if it had been popular before that. Go on, carry on. Who else have we got? He also cites Bianca from EastEnders saying...

Rickag! Yeah. That's good. But is that modern? Well, maybe we're only capable of the one-word impression now. I know, but Ricky, that's got to be 30 years ago. Yeah. Peter Vernon might be 85 and still alive.

Even Len Goodman isn't still on, strictly. I don't think people get that now. Peter Vernon might be 85 and still alive. Even Len Goodman isn't still on, strictly. Peter, are you 85 and still alive? I don't think he will be. I'm going to go 55. Okay. I'm going to say he's 51. How old do you think Peter Vernon is?

What about if we had a text inin based on our old Peter Bernanies? Let's do it. That would be, we'd finally, our scorched earth policy has finally reached its zenith. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So let me tell you something. A few weeks ago, I got a call from my manager to say that Room 101 had been dropped by the BBC.

It happens. So I was interviewed by The Times about a few days later and the bloke said so you're doing pretty well you've got this, you've got that Room 101 goes on and on doesn't it I said Room 101 is dead Why do you have to say it like that?

I don't know Why did I have to say it at all? The publicist asked me afterwards It's just so Jacob Marley It is a bit, I know. And the publicist, Lucy, is very professional, was sitting... And currently on medication, as you would imagine.

Sitting in on the interview. Did look anxious. But anyway, so it was said. And then I did, I recorded Loose Ends. Oh, yeah? Do you know that? The popular Radio 4 show

with Clive Anderson I do clashes with this doesn't it a bit later today no it's on quarter past six I think oh right

I call it Ends Not Women Ends Not Women oh I see because Loose Women is a different programme oh I see

got it so I was on I was on there oh yeah talking about a play that I've got on in Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. And they said, so Room 101 has been dropped. And I said, yeah, that's right.

It's gone now. I got the phone call. And I thought, I'm on a show here. This is a whole new genre. People go on and plug their new projects. I go on and mourn the passing. This is going to be what people do now.

You've had a couple of shows just lately. Yeah, I thought I'd come on and publicise that. So I've actually been doing press for Room 101 being pulled. I can imagine bumping into celebrities now in the wings before chat show saying you

plug in or morning yeah so yes can i just say talking of your plugging tour yeah uh can we discuss your appearance on the one show i haven't had a plug-in tour for a long time i wasn't yes i was on the one show so Oh, I've been doing the rounds. Were you doing that about Room 101? You wasn't just on it. No, we didn't. Oh, you never did that. We didn't get round to it. You were very future-focused.

My anti-publicist was furious that I hadn't mentioned the Room 101 thing. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, one of the things about Theresa May... We're cooking the books, how dare you? She's got 150 cookbooks. And you know my view on the numerical lie,

which people always do. I said to you earlier... Can you remind people, Frank, what that is? The numerical lie is saying, yeah, I absolutely love Annie, you know I saw you remind people Frank what that is the numerical lie is saying yeah I absolutely love Annie you know the movie I've seen it like 25

times you've seen it seven times yeah and we all do it I catch my when I said I've done the one show probably 20 times have I done it 20

times I might have done it 14 yeah yeah the thing is if you're round you always round up we'll check on IMDB so that it's a factual show I done it 20 times? I might have done it 14. Yeah. The thing is, if you round, you always round up. We'll check on IMDB so that it's a factual show. I think it's because you think it makes, you know, the excess makes you seem more interesting. Maybe, yes.

Or 150. You may need to seem more interesting. And also, having more cookbooks wouldn't make me think anyone was interested. Why did she say cookbooks? That's her thing. She also did a thing that politicians do. You know when they're on question time

and they think they're going to get a round of applause and they lean back as if here it comes and then it doesn't and they look terrified for a split second. She did a version of that waiting for a laugh where she said, I like to cook and that has the added benefit of you get to eat it. And she was expecting a little chuckle. She had material out. Yeah, what about the National Obesity

Crisis layoff in Prime Minister? You get to eat it as well as make it. But the 150 cookbooks, she can't have, how many do you think she's got? Well, 28. Hang on, I work out how many books are on a shelf? Oh, well that depends. It are on a shelf. Oh.

Depends on the shelf. It's just like the string question, isn't it? So what I would say is no one's got seven shelves worth of Coke books. She'll have all the, all the Jamies. Oh, yeah. What about my... I think she's going to have, she's more of a Delia fan.

Do you know when I interviewed her... Otto Lenge. Oh, my God. She's got Otto Lenge. No, I think she always walked like that. Such a Frank Skinner. Piece of gold. It's a golden nugget.

I interviewed Jamie Oliver, and as part of the interview, I cooked a cake from his book, and it's the only time I've ever followed a recipe in my life. Darling, just so you know, people don't normally say cook a cake. No, they say bake. Okay, I baked a cake.

Cook a cake. And so I baked a cake and I followed the instructions exactly and something very strange happened to the cake and it's like the butter that I put in

refused to take part in the experiment and it rose to the top of the cake and formed a sort of a crust. I mean, a squidgy, sort of yellowy crust it formed on the top. And when I got it out and showed it to Jamie on air, I honestly thought he might cry. And it was like his entire career was being challenged. And he'd say, no, you must have, no, you can't have,

what did you do when you started asking me technical questions? And I said, honestly, I followed it to the letter. He said, no, you can't, you can't have it. And it was like quite a big thing for him. Frank Skinner in the Rogue Butter. That'll be one of his autobiography chapters. I've got

two of his cookbooks. Me and Kath wouldn't look at a cookbook. They're in a one of his autobiography chapters. I've got two of his cookbooks. Me and Kath wouldn't look at a cookbook. They're in a cupboard that he's never opened. We've got quite a few. We've got about ten. I reckon we've got 20, maybe. We've probably got 15 when I'm talking to Dan. I can't be able to just tell the truth.

I got Mrs Beaton's cookbook. Oh, yeah? She signed it for me. Because she's quite a popular figure on the S&M circuit. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, you know, I have a six-year-old child,

in case you don't know. I'll just give you two facts about me I'll give you three I'm from the West Midlands and I support a football team called West Bromwich Albion in case you don't know also I have a six year old son now these two worlds

clash and collide when he told me a few weeks ago that he supports Tottenham Hotspur. Oh. He does. Yeah. Now, it's a tricky thing because I do think you should support, you know,

sort of a local team. It's that England team that's done it. I knew that was going to happen. It is. That's what it is, you see, because most of the, after the World Cup, it's the closest thing to watching England. They play at Wembley and they've got about five England players in the team. So what we've been doing is we've been watching on the telly

some of the highlights of Spurs games. Thank God for the Champions League where they're on a losing streak. So I've been showing him them. So I'd show him, say, Spurs lose to Barcelona and then West Brom wallop in Bristol City without mentioning any disparity between the two competitions.

There's going to be a terrible scene, isn't there? You lied to me! Yes. And then he, it's a bit like Anakin in Star Wars. I think he's pulled between the dark side. Oh, yeah. And it is so,

because you don't want to indoctrinate. I've already got him at a Catholic school. I mean, I've got to back off eventually and let him be an individual human being. Yeah. But he did say to me, I'll tell you what, he said,

what about if, he said, I like Wes Bromwich, he said, but maybe, he said Tottenham could be my premiership team. I said, hold on, said he. There's a logic there, though.

I know, but there's a long-term bleak. I know, but that's so insulting, isn't it? I mean. Wow, I mean, that hit me hard. And then. I like that. A bit like I have gone FC as my

second team I've never really had the second team thing yeah you could have Huddersfield Town as your Premier League

team if you want no they're on a terrible that's a short term solution oh see it's alright

when you do it he actually said to me He actually said to me, can I have one of those shirts with the black chicken on? I said, what is that? Well, I thought he was into voodoo. So he let die. He meant a Tottenham shirt. All right. I've never, ever heard it called the black chicken

and I must have, I have read about football for 50 years. But you know, if they brought out a song with black chicken

on my shirt, I mean, it's just never, he's completely caught with a new name for the Spurs. The black

chicken. Yeah, the black chicken shirt. I hope Harry Kane, if that's not his autobiography title. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, the Black Chicken show. I hope Harry Kane, if that's not his autobiography title.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah, bearing the Black Chicken by Harry Kane. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This referee's called David McNamara. Oh, that referee. Do you know him? Do you know this referee? Well, I do now.

Well, I'll tell you how he's become famous. He's become a ledge. He's become a ledge because instead he rejected the traditional coin toss in favour of the rock, paper, scissors decider. Yeah. Didn't he? And the game was at Man City Reading for the ladies football. Yeah.

Women's Super League. But he's got into a lot of trouble. Not a little bit, but a lot of trouble not a little bit but he forgot his coin didn't he we should just say that he didn't do it on purpose i think i think he forgot his coin and realized that it was a televised game and and needed to it said he left his coin in the dressing room to which i ask you don't have another one no one in that whole stadium has a coin how badly off are these people that's's a good point. You don't want to... Did you say Lenders Tempe? Also, I don't know what Tempe is.

They've been throwing them at him, so he could have just used one of them. I just said Lenders Tempe, and they don't even think Tempe exists anymore. Okay. It was on telly, this match. So, you know, they're very keen on getting everything happening at the right time. Yeah.

So I think if it hadn't been, he would have delayed it and gone and got his coin. Yeah. But... And Rock Paper Scissors isn't that bad, is it? I thought it was actually very inventive of him, which obviously is why the FA didn't like it.

It could have been a lot worse, couldn't it? If he'd gone with nicest eyes. Man City had the nicest eyes. That would have been... Which captain's got the nicest eyes? That would have been a real... I think that's fair enough. If you decide on the body part beforehand That would have been a real... I think that's fair enough. That would have been terrible.

I think if you decide on the body part beforehand and it's in a sealed envelope, obviously... Yeah, but he'd have forgot that. Well, the head of the Women's Referees Association said, he should have been more prepared. He should have had a coin he forgot he forgot the coin, that's it

what's the point in saying that she also said get this that it was a moment of madness it made me think when I read that, very sheltered life. Do you know Daniel Johnson, the singer-songwriter?

Yes. His dad was flying him back from a gig in a small plane. They had an argument. Daniel Johnson switched the ignition off and threw the keys out the window. What would the female referee boss describe that? Really big moment. That's a very, very big moment.

You've been a very naughty boy. Yeah. For those of you who are anxious, his dad, who was an experienced pilot, managed to crash land in trees, which is what, that's the secret of doing it. But even so, I think it was a really good idea. Well, everything that I can think of

that he could have done instead would have taken longer. Like, keep up his competition, that would have taken longer. Tarot cards. Tarot cards would have taken longer. You have to set them up on the pitch, blow away. Minority. Then you get death and it's a real buzzkill.

What about if he'd done a riddle? Three, two, one. My first is in fish, but not in sea. He could have brought on... My second's in bird and not in tree. They're going, hold on, let me just... He'd been shouting, captains only, no conferring.

Yeah, exactly. He could have brought on Dusty Finn. They started to mob him over the riddle. What does he get about the bird? Get back, get back on just the captains. Or he could have gone, I'll tell you what he should have gone. He should have gone fortune teller fish. Oh, that would have been good.

The trouble is they often give an unclear result. Well, the trouble, not only that, Frank. If you didn't have a coin. Well, that's, who hasn't got a fortune teller fish in their back poche? The only trouble with the fortune teller fish is that some of the, I don't find it, I find it a bit strange, if I'm honest. Because it says, I think it's motionless, is dead one. That means you're dead, yeah.

No, it says dead one. Why dead one? Why rub it in? It means you're a dead one. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then it does fickle and Why dead one? Why rub it in? It means you're a dead one. Oh, OK. Yeah. And then it does fickle and envy. It's not going to work for the two halves.

Terrible. Has anyone finding a body put one of those fishes on a palm to see whether they're dead or not? Instead of feeling for a pulp. I mean, it seems wrong to go for what essentially is a party item. The NHS have provided with them this is terrible

no I'm not a fan I don't like the fortune teller fish I mean I'd never be without one depending on how well the pitch

was maintained maybe a mud wrestle could have gone I think if he'd have suggested that he'd have been suspended for more than

three days even bigger trouble yeah but notice Frank he's got to get the old wrestling card. It's all about the grappling. It's all about the grappling. Gets in every word, doesn't it?

If it had been a man's game, I'd have been all right with it, but I just think it's gone to a wrong place for breakfast radio. Yeah. If it's a woman's game, are they all right to be calling themselves Man City? No. Surely they should call themselves Woman City. Wouldn't it be great if they be calling themselves Man City? No. Surely they should call themselves Woman City. Wouldn't it be great if they had

called themselves Woman City? I would really respect them. Me too. Yeah. What about Huddersfield? This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you something before we go to the outside world?

Sure. It's a music station where music matters. Is it? Yeah. OK. And I was consequently, as part of my presentorial research, I was watching the, I think they're called the MTV EMA Awards. Oh. I love that you know that.

Yeah. I only knew it because it was like, they kept saying it. What do they stand for, EMA? Have we got that? European Music Awards. Oh, okay. Is that right?

Yeah, it's not as tricky as it might sound. Can I just say... What does MTV stand for? Music Television? I think it does. Yeah, well, since when does television have two letters like that? Good point.

Anyway... It's a nice argument to have with yourself. Yeah. I used to watch... I don't know if I've told you this before, but I used to watch MTV in blocks of about eight or nine hours when it first came out. Oh, man, I used to so love it.

It is a bit... It's so depressing. Man with your lively mind. I used to live very near to a KFC. Stop boasting. It was just perfect. Anyway, I haven't watched it for a while. And so the awards, you can imagine there's lots of, you know, people coming on.

Who've got awards for you can't imagine what. Anyway, they were all very nice. And then it said after the break, it's me and Kath are watching it. Kath is my partner. We're both maybe a bit old, to be honest, for the EMA Awards. I don't think she's as old as Janet Jackson. Very hard to tell with Janet Jackson.

She looked, her face had got a slight Casper the Friendly ghost, a slightly transparent element to it. Anyway, it said after the break, marshmallow will be on. So Kat said to me, wouldn't it be brilliant if a bloke came on and his head was just an enormous marshmallow? So we was laughing about it. So he comes back and there he is bloke who's had just an enormous marshmallow no yeah yeah it was like the most in a light relief oh it was

great because catherine said and we'd laugh like we when we first went out, we laughed about the ridiculousness if such a thing was to happen. And then there he was. Big one. He was white on the night. I don't know if he has a pink one. Oh, he didn't go pink. He might have a pink one.

Maybe he does. Even the Britney, he said, in a costume change. Maybe he's got a pink one for when he comes back off his holidays. Yeah. Most of the time. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We've received a text message from Lee on C. John Lewis Christmas advert. Oh, yes, the new John... I think we talk about it every year. I think so, yeah. It's a real event, the John Lewis Christmas advert Oh yes The new John This is a big I think we talk about it Every year I think so yeah It's a real event

The John Lewis It really is What would have happened If his mum had got him Some plasticine for Christmas Rather than a piano Maybe a sculptor Please discuss

But then again But no Then again Mould Yes in case Make up your mind Before you sing the song But then again, mould. Make up your mind before you sing the song. In case you haven't seen the John Lewis Christmas advert. Spoiler alert. It's actually the life of Elton John.

Yeah. It's a biopic. So it begins with him in a dressing gown in his house and playing the piano, and then it goes backwards not the piano life yeah right back to the very uh first uh when he gets his first piano yeah and in between that you see him in his sort of 70s 60s on the on the private plane all that i don't know but how do you feel about this advert

because people have said it's not Christmas enough but it obviously does get a Christmas present I've got to be honest I surprised myself I felt a little tearful I felt tearful

obviously they moved oh Frank I'm so relieved I thought you were all going to shout at me no I found it quite moving so did I I thought it was

really moving weirdos I cried I had a little tear in my eye. Oh, come on, guys. At the end, there's a big pass and he opens it and he's got a piano. Yeah. Now, I know in the real world, the Elton John, the child, would have probably said, an upright?

How dare you? Didn't I say I wanted a grand? But in this, he's very sweet. And this is the moment, obviously, when he... And it just made me nostalgic for those days when people used to get famous for being able to do something. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, I can see that. If John Lewis had had Kim Kardashian

and we'd seen her as a child opening the present and it was botic implants. I don't think I would have been so moved. Or maybe one of the vloggers getting their first... Zoella. Zoella getting a big box and opening it and there's just tinsel and the parents say, see how you like it.

But Elton John, I did. I was teary at the end. I was moved. I wasn't teary on Rui, don't think that for a second. I haven't gone into management on the strength of it. And there was something quite marvellous about having the originale singing this song, which we've heard other versions of over the years,

but it was what I believe Terry Venables called a key tapper. A key tapper? Oh, yeah. You remember that's what he said when he heard Three Lions? He said, oh, a key tapper. Because he did actually tap, he tapped his car keys throughout and said it's a real key tapper, isn't it? Which worries me now I think about it, but that's another story.

Yeah. It's funny though, his flashback is so selective. Like, all his life is sort of seen through rose-tinted glasses. That's what I was thinking. And then he was wearing some. Yeah, exactly. I thought they did a good job on the child, Elton John. He's got, especially around the mouth, he looks like Elton John.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, no child wants to be told that. But I think he does. There is an odd moment in the middle, though, where he's sat at the piano and he genuinely looks like Ian Brown. Does he? That's a mind you, mate.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what it does. I saw an interview with Elton John saying how much he'd love doing the advert and all that. When I said saying how much, he didn't actually put a price on it but he said

how much actually to be fair to Elton John it said he gave a part of his fee to charity he did yes but I mean

that could be a pound in the poor box a part I think a part is not a percentage welcome to Dickens London everyone

we want a more accurate fraction a pound in the poor box yeah what percentage was it a part oh thank you To Dickens, London, everyone. We want a more accurate fraction. A pound in the paw box. Yeah. What percentage was it? A part. Oh, thank you, Sir Alton.

Put that in the ledger, will you? Cratch it. One part. Sorry, Alton. I'm doing the quill. Can you hear that? Right, catch it. Have an hour off and that'll be your annual holiday.

Keeping it Christmassy. Keeping it Christmassy. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What about when it went wrong last night with the equipment? What happened? One minute there were fireworks.

Well, there was fireworks. This is Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran, who had a sort of a light show thing backdrop going on. There was a point where I remember... I didn't like the screen. I remember thinking, it's very clever, this thing. Like it never happened before. Like someone going to the first talking picture,

the jazz singer with Al Jolson. Yeah. Anyway, so, yes. So he's singing, and there was fireworks on the back, and there was a cracking, so I thought it was a sound effect for that, but then all his sound went completely. Really quite dramatic.

We were right next to the sound desk for that, but then all his sound went completely. Really quite dramatic. We were right next to the sound desk. Yeah. And I was a bit disappointed that they weren't getting... Because I felt like saying, come on, mate. There's one bloke and a guitar, you know. It's not Vangelis.

Jean-Michel Jean. We were all close. Why weren't they getting abused, those blokes? I love it when you complain about people not getting abused. So anyway, so Ed, I'm going to call him Ed. Call him Ed. He then sang... Well, he told everyone to shut up.

Yeah, well, he said shut up. He said, this won't work if you don't shut up. And what I was hoping, he'd say just absolute silence. And then he would have said, you're fired, mate. To the bloke on the back desk. But what he did was he played his guitar and he sang. And it was lovely. I loved that bit.

It was my favourite. Me too. I would have been happy with that volume all night. Yes. And silence from the audience. And the audience shut up for five minutes. Although him singing it quietly like that and us standing next to the sound desk

did mean that I could hear it really loudly when the mic on the sound desk went, go to engine B. Yeah. I was thinking, where are they flying to? Ironically, the one person who wasn't quiet was the bloke whose fault it was. That we think is fault.

No, there's no question about that. But no, he's talented. I was very surprised that the audience don't go, She run! She run! Well, you made up for it by doing it yourself. Well, I thought it would catch on. It didn't. I saw you trying to get it to catch on.

It didn't. I don't know if his crowd has a huge overlap with the football crowd. It just didn't strike. No, maybe not. There was a lot of Japanese people at the back. I presume they were over for the England game. They're doubling up on their...

Oh, yeah, I should think so. Sheeran and Harry Kane. What a weekend. A lot of people do this now, don't they? they're doubling up on there oh yeah i should think so sharon and um harry k a lot of um a weekend a lot of people do this now don't they facetime it and then they they to all the phones they're holding up the phones which is nice because then they're obscuring their own view of the actual gig and watching it through their phone but they were facetiming and i was fascinated though with all the family members I could see that's all I could see people's children just on these screens I thought they were just videoing see I was the grumpy man at the back not grumpy but I was thinking not grumpy not you no not me

I can't think of a an artist that I would thank my friend for phoning me from the concert of. Like if they were, if anybody, I mean, for a start, I very rarely answer my phone. But if they did, if one of my friends phoned me and said, oh, I'm at such and such a concert. I thought you'd like to watch it through my phone. I think that would be friendship over, wouldn't it? If I had one criticism, I'd say there was a lot of songs about love. Oh, yeah.

Now, this is what happens when you surround yourself with yes-men. What he needs is someone who's going to say, Ed, word to the wise. Word to the wise. You're milking the love thing. If you're aware of it, but most of your songs are about love. Talk about something else.

Didn't you once suggest architecture as a song topic? You would. Well, actually, you'd be a love... You once suggested architecture as a potential song topic. Why not? You'd be a lovely friend, because I'd like to think that you could fulfil that role for him. Yes.

The truth teller. I'll say, you don't have to get rid of the love. I've got, you know, two or three songs about love and then I've some songs about, you know, getting a, say, getting some shoes re-healed. Someone like that and an interesting bloke who you met there and it made you think about your life compared to his life. But romantic love. I mean, you're...

You just frowned at me as if I've been writing loads of romantic love stories. Well, all he's doing is he's, you know, he's alienating the people in long-term relationships. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did, this is an error, I Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did. This is an error, I think, on the eating out front. I had a chop about one of these big, I can't remember what county.

You know, the big ones have got a county. Oh, yes. So it was like a Derbyshire chop. I'm thinking a Derbyshire neck, which was another name for a goiter. Oh, was it? Massive neck tumour. That's nice. Yeah, anyway.

Breakfast radio era. Absolutely. And I had this chop. It was fantastic. It was just like one of the great chops. It was a big chop as well. One of the greats. Yeah, one of the greats.

I don't know how the chop described like one of the greats. A lot of chop described like one of the greats. Chop of the week. It was a really brilliant chop. And I loved it. Good. It's great. It had the handle. The fat was done to a crispiness. So it was great. Perfect. Lovely. And it was a big, big mama of a chop.

Of a chop, yeah. Did you have anything with, I just want to envisage this also, you had the chop. Anything else on the plate? Oh yeah, yeah. Bread and have anything with... I just want to envisage this also. You had the chop. Anything else on the plate? Oh, yeah, yeah. Bread and butter. I had some green vegetables and things.

Okay. Yeah. They don't warrant any specifics. They were fine. They were just vegetables. They were fine. But the greens helped the protein go to where it should. Is that right?

You need to eat your greens. No, I eat my greens. But, you know, the greens, you don't get excited about. No, they're not as fun. The chop was the churro and the rest of them were like the girls allowed, the vegetables,

the rest of them. Exactly. Barnsley chop, maybe. I don't think it was Barnsley. Oh. I might have remembered that. Someone's saying top of the chops.

I've had a Barnsley chop. But yeah, like the prettier girls at school would hang around with a plane and mate. So they looked even better. Yeah. Well, the chopley chop. But yeah, like the prettier girls at school would hang around with a plainer mate. So they looked even better. Yeah. Well, the chop looked great.

And then I went back to the... Strange love rival for Kath, the chop. So a couple of nights later, I went back to the same restaurant. Oh. And I made that classic mistake. I tried to relive the chop. It's like, you know, anything in life. Never go back.

You can have a party with the same, a brilliant party, invite the same people the following week, and it just doesn't happen. Diminishing returns, my friend. Yeah, and it was fine. It was fine. But in a way,

it retrospectively diminished the original Chop experience oh that's a shit you killed off experience number one why didn't I

just leave it there Chop one yeah I've asked myself that a hundred times since

you've been back a hundred times no just lying in bed thinking about it lost Chops thinking about it trying to remember

what the first Chop felt like before it was... Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Imagine going to bed thinking of that. Oh, no, I don't need to. I often go to bed thinking of meat, food that I've eaten in the past. What about when Gary Barlow used to wake up

when he wasn't allowed carbs or chocolates, when he had to lose weight for that, and he woke up and he was licking the pillow because he dreamt it was a Twix? That's a bit like the old, I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. That's like when I woke up, the pillow had gone. I love that joke.

Oh, man. But this wasn't a joke. This was this man's life. Oh, I'd let Gary Barlow's pillow be covered in gel. Yuck. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio

Here's a question I haven't yet watched any of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here I'm enjoying the yet Well the thing is I'm about to start Because I'm led to believe from a perusal of the tabloids That Noel Edmonds is going to join it. So he's not on it yet? He is in it.

Oh, he's in it now? Oh, he's in it, my friend. Oh, I thought he was only about to join. No, he arrived a couple of days ago. Parachute? Did he really? Well, he, Noel, is a bloke who has barely changed since about 19...

I mean, I can't think of a celebrity off the top of my head who looks... You know, he provides continuity in an ever-changing world, Noel Edmonds. He has barely changed at all. And I don't know if he's got a very, very ugly portrait in his attic, but I always think with those blokes that it is fear of not being recognised.

Right. So that's why they keep exactly the same look. If he got rid of his beard, like him. Yeah, yeah. I was in a... David Baddiel wrote a short film about an incident, partly about an incident that had happened with me and him. So he said, well, you come and play yourself,

but you need to play yourself in 1996, or whatever it was. So I put on some clothes from that era. And I combed my hair pretty much like it was then. And I lived quite near then to London Studios so I walked along the river to the studios on the way in. And I've never had so many people

recognise me. Because that's how they, that's you know, I'm still that bloke from fantasy football to most people. Right, yeah. So if I had kept that exact look, I could you know, I could still be... You could have lots more people taking selfies.

So that's what it is. You could have loads more chats about football than you currently do. That's why Willie Thorne, the snooker player, has kept the moustache and dyes it black so people think, oh, look, there's Willie Thorne. Yeah. Well, the good thing about Noel is he's Willie Thorne yeah well the good thing about Noel is

he's is he nearly 70 and his I'll tell you exactly Alan Cochran his hair is still lovely and blonde

even though he's 70 it's a beautiful blonde colour Frank he's still sunning I think you think if you put sunning

before you have like a month in Australia it's going to really come off. I thought he still talks about Son. It's still going to come off. Take off the mark.

No, he's one of those blokes, Noel, who there are three ways to do well in telly. You can be funny, interesting. Let's write this down. Okay. Well, you know, I've got my notepad. Here's the three categories you can be to do well. Funny.

No, I haven't got that. Number one, funny. Number two, interesting. Number three, lucky. Right. Okay. Lucky, you're the leader. Another word for lucky is a broadcaster.

If you're ever described as a broadcaster, that means... That's how I describe myself, I think. I'm happy to go with the lucky. I think lucky's good. No, no, but you're a quotable person. Quotability is the test. Oh, okay. How many Noel Edmonds one-liners can you come up with?

None. But I do have some challenges on things Noel has said. Frank, he's getting a cool 600k. No, respect. I believe the tabloids. That's a lot of Cuban heel boots. things Noel has said. Frank, he's getting a cool 600k. No, respect. I believe the tabloids. That's a lot of Cuban heel. Yeah, that is. But you know, my fear, get a robot.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Number two on your list for success in television is to be interesting. Well, that's possible. You can do it with that. It's an ingredient. I think Noel Edmonds is interesting, but he's really... Off stage, though, really.

Yeah, I think he's in danger of not being as interesting as he really is in some of these interviews that he's done. I wish he was weirder on telly like he is off. That would be more interesting. He said that he's prepared to retire from television if he wins and he said that the British public might have had enough

and he said something like that he's like Marmite and I thought, oh, that's a bit uninteresting comparing yourself to Marmite because people either love it or hate it. Does he mean from a distance he looks like X-Crum? And he's got a chromium yellow top. He said, I'll tell you exactly what he said, Al. I've had a fantastic relationship with the British public. I may be Marmite.

So have I. One at a time, mate. I may be Marmite, but there's a hell of a lot of people that seem to like Noel's version of Marmite. Alan likes it when Noel talks about himself in the third person. I was just going to say, great third person work there. I don't know if there's a hell of a lot, but I always... Very 70s TV presenter, hell of a lot as well. I don't...

People... See, I think with Noel that people... I don't think people mind him being on telly. I don't think they feel strongly about it like that.'t think people mind him being on telly i don't know if they feel strongly about it like that i don't mind him being on i don't i mean he's more nesquik than marmite but when he was massive in the 70s but i don't mind the fact you can still get it so straight after the cliche of comparing himself to marmite in a love or hate way he then goes 50 years is long enough um the The British public might have had enough. I mean, we've got enough problems with Brexit.

And I was like, oh, that's another... He's two in a row. I will forgive him if he just really wants to talk about Brexit. If he spends the whole time in the jungle just discussing Brexit. I don't think he'll win it, though. How is he in the locusts? Never mind that. I really want to know what Claude Juncker has said to Theresa May.

But he does. It's interesting because when he was saying that thing about if I win the crown I'll quit TV for good. I mean, are you on TV? I mean, you're not on TV. You can't. It's like Pete Best saying I'm leaving the Beatles. Or Andrew Cole retiring from international football.

That decision is somewhat out of your hands. Also, if he wins it and gets a phone call the following week saying we want you to host this game show, do you think he's going to say no because he's done a deal with the British public? No deal, that's what that'll be. Oh, lovely. But if someone says I'm like Marmite, they

suggest that some people really love them, and I don't know if that's... Who have you heard anyone say God, do I love that knowledge? Well, it's funny you should say that. This is going to be the Jonathan Ross story.

No, he was one of my first crushes when I was a child. Was he really? I really was quite obsessed by him. And he was on a show called Saturday Swap Shop, which you'll be familiar with. Oh, yeah. And I just used to look at the telly and I thought, if I just had a man like that, everything would be okay.

It was a swingers' family, late night Channel 4. I remember it, yeah. Well, Jonathan Ross told me, and you must know this story, that he once sat next to Princess Diana, and she said, I'm very envious of you because you meet so many famous people. And he said, well, you know, you meet more famous. She said, oh, yeah, but I meet sort of statesmen and stuff like that. But I'd like to meet more, you know, celebrities.

He said, well, who would you most like to meet? And she said, Noel Edmonds. And he said, I'm sure someone could. It was like when Lucy Pinder said to me that her ambition was to hold a chimpanzee. I said to her, surely your agent can sort that out. It's a very similar ambition in many ways. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Someone said it sounds like Frank has had a rhyme with Noel in the dim and distant past. Hashtag a problem shared. Care to share why? A grudge exists. No, I don't have a problem with Noel, I'm sure. I have no idea if you're having a row with Noel.

I think it could happen. Oh, it could. But, no, I think he wrote to me once, actually. Did he? Yeah. Love letter. I asked him to be on the chat show and he wrote quite a long letter. Saying he wasn't up for it?

I'm talking about television, I think. Just talking about, you know. Oh, really? In a sort of, you know, we know, don't we? Oh, that's nice. Okay. I'll tell you what, though, he did a bad thing. What, Noella?

Yeah, he did a thing which I cannot excuse. I'd like his calendar, Noella. I would as well, that'd be good. I wonder what he'd wear for December. Big jumper? Probably. Anyway. He started the

ironic Christmas jumper of course anyway was it ironic well you're right it wasn't when he first don't you think

okay hashtag a problem shared what happened crinkly bottom that's all I have to say on the comedy front okay he

said I couldn't barely bring myself to repeat this, but he said, so in the shower, do people wear their swimming costumes or do they go in naked? I don't think the British public are ready for Mr. Happy and the Twins. He did say that.

And no, for a start-off, if I had any sort of share in the Mr Men franchise, my legal people would have been in, like, a shot. What about Jedward? They'd have something to say as well. Oh, Noel, please, Mr Happy and the Twins. I think Noel is like, you know the mandrill ape? Yes. Whose private part look exactly like their faces. I think Noel is like you know the mandrill ape whose private part look exactly like their faces

so they can be attractive from both sides that's what I suspect bit of sodding I think Noel is the type of man I think he calls his life partner my lady oh maybe, I don't mind that

but Mr Happy and the twins. What did Hitler call his? A single parent? Hitler called his the exclamation mark. Please, please stop. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't want to boast. You do?

Yeah, I do actually, you're right. Who am I trying to bribe, kid? My tree is something of a work of art this year. Oh, yeah. I'm really proud of it. In what way? Well, I've gone for a really strong theme. I've gone for blush baubles and a glittery gold bow at the top I'm sorry

bow I know I know I could see your face curling up with horror what's your tree theme please it's it's a real trees yours real no well that's that's our theme really it's a real tree with the usual decorations that we put up every year on it looks fantastic I fantastic. I mean, Kat does a great job. Lovely. A great job on the tree. What about you, Al? Austerity? Austerity.

They should sell Austerity. Which are very... You're so good at titles for stuff sometimes. Austerity is a really good business idea. Slightly tragic. We bought the Auststerra tree this year since Malcolm lost his job. I mean, you don't want to hear that.

Oh, now I'm worried about Malcolm. I can barely think about my own tree. What do you have your... What's yours like? We've got a tree covered in Michael Bublé's, you know, like Bublé. I love that tree. Because it almost sounds like bauble.

Yeah. Bublé. No, it's somewhere you're coming from. He's got a lovely voice. That's all right. Yeah. You don't have to defect. Didn't he once contact Magic or something here?

Because they're talking about him. Someone criticised him. He did. And he gets in touch. I think he might... Because he was very nice to you when you did... I think you did Graham Norton. Oh, he's lovely on Graham Norton.

Me and him were like best buddies. Great. Oh, yeah. Sounded a little bit jellybags there, Al did Graham Norton. Oh, he's lovely on Graham Norton. Me and him were like best buddies. Great. Oh, yeah. Sounded a little bit jellybags there, huh? I like him. Yeah, great. No, he did. He got in touch with the radio station.

There's someone who was rude about him. But it's all right. If you're listening, we love you. I respect him for that. Of course you did. He's got a fine singing voice. Brilliant. There you go.

Yeah, archery's pretty standard. Trad. Okay. I don't think there's anything that eccentric on it. None of us have the golden boot at the top. Now, the best tree of the year so far, no one's going to top this, Harry Kane of Tottenham in England has got a tree,

and his golden boot that he won for scoring the most goals in the World Cup is on top of the tree. That's the angel thing. We should say it's not actually the real J.P. McCoy. Oh, isn't it? No. Oh, because I was thinking it was a feat of engineering, because that would weigh a bit.

Is that a pond? On the top of a feat of engineering. A foot of engineering. Very good. I believe it's a commemorative boot that he was given by a sponsor. I like the idea of putting a big award on the tree. It's a brilliant thing. I do.

And I thought, we've got that spray snow on our tree. And what I've done is I've left a section of it unsprayed with snow. And I've put my award for interviewing Al Gore there. Oh nice. As an echo of climate change and global warming and it works it works beautifully. I thought maybe the Baird medal would make a nice

ball ball for that. Lovely. I'm going to get all the awards. All the awards. I like the climate change medal in the tree that's been ripped out. It's lovely. I don't know if it was ripped. They all are, dear. It was eased.

Ripped, Doug. It was eased out. And we take it back to the dump, so it's probably organically thingied. Nice for Stig as well. Can I just plant it? People don't do that, do they? People do sometimes, I think. Do they? I couldn't be bothered.

You know, come on, it's a Christmas day. You still in touch with Al Gore? Yeah. No, he occasionally flies over just for a cup of tea. Flies back at you. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. flies back at you.