The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Nostradamus Skinner

Episode Date: October 7, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank saw Blade Runner 2049 and went to the Russian Circus this week. In other news it's been the week of the Conservative Party Conference which the team discuss in some detail.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, don't you know? I love don't you know. Yes, well my son says did you know? I love don't you know. Yes. My son says, did you know? Quite a lot.

Well, I think it was quite PG Woodhouse, that. Yeah, exactly. Well, I've tried many times PG Woodhouse. I've been recommended by loads of people of how brilliant he is. Not feeling it? I don't like it. But, you know I can't all be

I'll tell you what I did like I went to see Blade Runner 2049 Did you? I can't go and see that, I haven't seen the first 2048 That's not like Frank to be so early out the traps

I suspect you'd go and see that in 2053. Well, I like a sci-fi classic. I like the first one a lot. Have you seen the first one, Al? I think so. I can't really remember it. You're a bit of a blade avoider. Am I?

You could be described like that. Could I? With your crazy hipster beard. What? That has a relevance to me watching films well it's it's got the

blade reference I'm working with Wendy's out in debt oh I see right yeah yeah we've got three hours to film I get it

I get it can I be honest give me a break I've never seen it Frank okay which is unusual for me just because I like to keep on top

of my culture yeah but I'm not a sci-fi fan and when it came out I only liked Dallas that was the only thing I watched and it looked as far from Dallas because I like to keep on top of my culture. Yeah. But I'm not a sci-fi fan, and when it came out, I only liked Dallas. That was the only thing I watched, and it looked as far from Dallas as the show could be.

Yeah. What's it like? It's a bit post-nuclear Dallas. Okay. Well, the first one was Magnifico. I saw it, I remember the last time I saw it was in the sort of town centre in Toronto. They put up a big outdoor screen. I remember the last time I saw it was in the sort of town centre in Toronto. They put up a big outdoor screen.

So there was real sort of flashing signs and aeroplanes flying over. So the film merged. It's like I saw... That sounds good. I went to an outdoor film in Melbourne Arboretum, I think it was. Botanical garden type place. And we saw... What's that Burt Lancaster one where they're on the beach when there's fish? From Here to Eternity. From Hereical garden type place. And we saw, what's that Burt Lancaster one where they're on the beach when there's fish?

From Here to Eternity. From Here to Eternity. And there was loads of bats flying about as we watched it. And I was really miffed that we weren't watching a Batman film. It would have been so perfect. Was Commissioner Gordon there? There was no fish there at all. Which is what you wanted.

Anyway, I'm meander. Blade Runner, is it a dystopian thriller? Is that what I thought? Oh, yeah, it's a psychological dystopian thriller, I would say. I've got a developing palette for that, so maybe I should give it a rewatch. I think you'd like it.

Oh, okay. It doesn't zip along, I would say. There's the new one. No, but it's brilliant. Anyway, David Baddiel found me up and said I got tickets for Blade Runner. He didn't even put the 2049 on, I guessed. Right. Yeah.

So he got me... Freebies? Yeah. Lovely. So we went to the cinema and we left it a bit late and it was unreserved seating. I mean, come on. A bit of a scrum. So there was about...

I'm surprised they don't just have a nice Chesterfield for you both down at the front. Yeah, that'd be nice. Well, facing the audience. Yeah, you have that wherever you go. You two. So we ended up sitting

him in the centre of one block and me on the end of another yeah you weren't together no i wouldn't watch the film good seats for the long legged if i went with daisy and i couldn't sit with her forget about it really but you don't talk to her in the film presumably oh hello yes i do how do you well i don't talk but i might say what do you think of that days oh i share a toffee fee i never say anything can have a share of toffee fee. I never say anything. Can you still get those? Yeah. Toffee fees?

Yeah. Wow. So anyway, he was sitting quite a long way away from me, probably... Over the aisle. A horrible evening. I'd say 30 yards. Oh, my goodness. And anyway, the bloke next to me said,

actually, my mate's come in, he's going, this seat's vacant now, he said to me. Oh, muzzle top. So I stood up and went, Dave! Nothing, nothing. I said, Dave! Still nothing. So I honestly, in a cinema, a crowded cinema,

this was the cine world Leicester Square, I went, Dave! Anyway, he looked round and I said... He looked up. I said, this seat is free now. And he waved his hand like somebody refusing an hors d'oeuvre. And he just stayed put. You are joking me.

So a woman then came up to me and said, so can I have this seat for my friend? I said, yeah, I think so. I said, I'm not using it. She said, no. She said, I just heard you publicly snubbed in front of 400 people. Ah! Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, did David ever come and sit with you? No. You are joking. No, he didn't. Was there any post-film chat discussing this? Well, I got a a text from him I didn't get it

till the end of the film but he might have sent it and he said what did it say he said I don't want to make all these people stand up again right

but I think that's part of being in a in rake seating isn't it standing up you know when you're at the theatre people say sorry

sorry what are you going to do you're going to be lowered in by a seaside claw you know a seaside claw? You know the seaside claw that nearly picks up the cuddly toy and then drops it at the last minute? Yeah, never does.

I wouldn't want to be picked up by one of them. The delicacy of the tentacles of the claw sometimes. All the wiring on the top of it. It's a fabulous piece of equipment that deliberately doesn't work, I suppose. Yeah, I think so. I don't think I've ever, ever got anything down the chute with a seaside claw. How do you do on that, you know, the two peas one? Well, I find...

With those shelves, those constantly moving shelves, it's so tantalising. It gives me stomach cramps. Well, because of how tantalising it is. That might be candy floss. What did we talk about the other way? Remember the father and son who did their floor with toppers? Oh, yeah. They could have done all their shelving on the same basis

because I'm amazed the depth of shelving you can get with coinage in those things. They'll stick out. Do you think they're glued, some of them? I think some of them might be stuck together. Maybe not glued. Have I gone too far? Have I gone over the absolute legal?

This isn't Rogue Traders. Let's soak them in a sticky wash, maybe. I don't want Frank turning up to these poor arcades with the camera crew. You're quite right. I don't go in the arcades anymore after the incident. Lovely places, arcades.

Such nice people you meet in there. Yeah, so I... Anyway, I say it was a brilliant film. It's got, you know, Ryan Gosling and all that. Oh, it's got the goss in it? The goss is in it. I mean... Harrison Ford.

So in. Yeah. I can't tell you anything about it because the director had a thing read out before saying don't tell anyone. Really? Yeah, about anything in the film. I think he brought up me with the David Baddiel story.

I mean, I don't think he's that draconian. So did you and David meet up afterwards? We... Or did you just go your separate ways? No, no, we got the tube home. Keeping it real. And I was slightly worried that we sat, we didn't

sit in our normal order. Did he wave you away? So far, he's always on my right. Right. No, he sat on another carriage. He was about 50 seats away and refused to join you. That would have been, I wouldn't shout on a tube that time of the night

and get your throat slit that's a funny thing I love your non-Londoner view of the tube yeah it's fine, I used it last night, it was alright there was no problems not if you're a national figure

oh yeah, borderline national treasure oh my god I'm very much a regional figure. Also, Al, if he's with Dave, two for the price of one. Exactly. That's a hostage situation. Yeah. You two would be nightmare hostages. Yeah.

Oh, the quips, though. The quips. You don't often get very demanding hostages. That's how we'd be like. High maintenance hostages. Yeah, well, I can't eat that. What about my regime? Look, I just want to say... It did make me think, though. What about this?

Would this be... If this was a proper radio show with professional people, the sort of texting they'd have is, what are the best films ever that include a year in the title? Oh. Oh, yeah. But then why do these people do that?

Because then they just get years in. What they're doing is 50 pence a text. Oh, yeah. Right. Dalek Invasion, 2150 AD. I've not seen it Well no one's seen it Al It's a weird thing

Frank's seen it Frank's seen it He's not the only one He's an original figure Thank you Frank's seen all of WC Fields' Herb I don't think any of those have got a year

What about Dracula AD 1972 The slight weird thing of having the AD at the front of the year That's two AD ones actually When did we stop using AD 1972. The slight weird thing of having the AD at the front of the year. That's two AD ones, actually. When did we stop using AD? There must be a war film, Frank. There must be.

1941, Spielberg film. Lovely. Anyway, you can see how tedious it would be if we had that as a textbook. I can imagine the switchboard lighting up even now. Yeah. But what I want to know, 8, 12, 15, when did we stop using AD when we talked about years in general? I mean, I've never heard this year called 2017 AD.

Oh, yeah. That's all the religious ways. Sorry. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went to the Russian State Circus this week.

Did you? You get around, don't you? You get around. I get around. You've got to do it. Ow. Also, that's a lot of Frank's passions in one go. He loves the big top and he loves

the old Russian. It's the first time I've ever seen clowns come out too. I'm filling up. I don't know about you, I'm filling up. Do they have clowns? They do. I can't tell you I get so anxious for the clowns. I always just assume that the Russian state circus, I just see a guy in a red leotard walking on his hands.

Isn't that the main thing? Looking a bit roidy. They all look so roidy. A good piece of roidy. Be a good advert for the Russian State Circus of Bloke just doing that round the local streets. Red leotard on the hands. Odd watch.

You don't have to wash your hands when you're going after that. Yeah, but it's a small price to pay for that kind of gig. What sort of axe do they have? Well, can I say, before we get 5,000 texts coming in, which I know is 2,500 quid, but even so... Not direct to us, Richard. No, no, not direct to us. Otherwise I'd be saying,

hey, what about songs with a collar in the title? There's no animal products in the Russian state circus. Oh, right. Don't they have animals? No animals. Animals have largely gone from the good ones anyway. You know animals? They had their chance in the circus and they blew it.

Not even the elephants? Nothing. No elephants. Tigers? Elephants. What did they do with those little round stools the elephants used to stand on? And the tutus. They were sturdy, those stools.

If you think about what they took. Yeah. They were a feat of engineering. They're probably used just in somebody's Winnie Bago now with a takeaway on it. Strong man's takeaway. Do you know why you can't have elephants in tutus, Frank, anymore? Why's that?

Very cruel. Very cruel. What about the bearded... No lying. Does the bearded lady get any work now? No, but this is all pre-PC you're talking about.

They're called differently haired now. Are they? Yeah. I did not know that. Differently haired. I'll just make that up. That'll help for some

Google searches. I suspect that's what they're called. Don't Google that. Didn't seem... So the animals, they turn out to be troublemakers. Yeah. You know, they had their time in the sunshine, but it's all over.

Well, actually, they didn't have that much time. Probably not enough. Not that much time in the sunshine. In a van or in a big top. Yeah. Well, they had to wear a big top, the elephants. Oh, sure. But no trousers like Donald Duck.

Animals, they got it all wrong. Top cat, Donald Duck. What are they like? Yeah. I mean, if you've got to go one way or the other, go for the trousers. But no. No way, Jose, says the elephant.

So they've all gone back to the jungle. Yeah. So what is there instead back to their jungle. Yeah. So what is there instead? Left a bunch of humans. Everyone's human, isn't it? What do they do? I've got nothing against human beings. Tricks.

Trapeze? Mainly tricks. They did a lot of that. They had... There was one thing that really nagged at me. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I know we've partially shuffled along to your Russian State Circus night out, but you did mention your cinema night to see Blade Runner 2000, what is it? 2049. 2049, I was going to guess at 48. On Sky, if you say a year on Sky, me and Joan Bakewell, the Baroness, once did a 37 links

saying, I think 2015. 2015. Now this year, 2015. No, 2015. So, now this year, 2015. And then the man said, sorry, but on Sky, our policy is to say 2015. After you'd already gone... Really?

Wow. I like the man. Got us warmed up. Imagine that was a tense tea break after that lot. Morning, guys. Surely Toffee Fee are too noisy for the cinema, says Barry.

I think that's a good shout because that was mooted as being a good cinema snack. In what respect? I think they might be crunchy as well. Toffee Fee? Does he not mean

the packaging? Maybe it's packaging. They have that brown, glossy packaging. Yeah. But are they... See, I've never seen them in shops.

They're a sort of thing that... Or in the cinema. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Daisy said you can I've never seen them in shops. They're a sort of thing that... Oh, in the cinema. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Daisy said you can definitely get them. I trust her. She's just mouthed the pound shop. Oh.

Oh, the pound shop. Yeah. Good shout. How much are they? And you've also asked for films that have numbers in it, but you haven't. You've asked not to. Oh, that's right, yeah.

Okay, not a film. Already people are changing it. Oh, what I mean. Okay, not a film. Okay, not a film, but the comic 2000 AD gave us Judge Dredd from Gob in Coventry. That's true, but... It's not what you asked.

No, it's not what I asked. And even then, what you asked, you said, don't do. But it has got ID, which is what I was talking about. True enough. And also, we appeared. Do you remember we appeared in a page of Judge Dredd? How exciting. Yeah.

I've got the poster of it. Oh, yeah, I remember that. It's laminated. Oh, good. Yeah, and it incorporated our names onto the adverts on the side of skyscrapers. That's right. Oh, that was good. Very exciting.

533 says, again, not a film. What do I mean? 99 Red Balloons. It's not a year. It's not a year. That creeps into my songs with a colour in the title It's gone into a thing I said I'd never do I said I'd have to leave radio forever

Maybe that's what's being suggested Not only is it not a movie it's not a year either But I think it's a song with a colour in it That's the bottom two Do you think that's what he went for? It's Nina.

Oh, sorry. No, Nina's song, 99 Luftballons. Nina is that. She did, yeah. She did 99 Luftballons. 9 and 90. 533 then.

I do apologise, Frank. 9 and 90 Luftballons. Very lovely, she was. What happened to her? Oh, yeah. Probably ravaged by drugs. But let's hope not. Let's hope not.

Goodness me. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, she was a very pretty lady. Oh dear, things that you can't say anymore. Anyway, I was going to tell you... We're on absolute labs here. We're on absolute 70s. I'll tell you what always occurred to us

during that conversation a little earlier. Nudist colonies. Oh, yes. Are they still operational? You are so right. I remember seeing documentaries where they were always frying sort of bacon and sausages in the pan. Exactly, jeopardy.

Or badminton. Yeah. A lot of badminton, true. So if the police come, you can use the shuttlecock as an emergency. But they'd make them do that to show, yeah, how the extraordinary nature of it. Yeah. But, yeah, you don't get them, do you?

I never hear about it anymore. I now have a dread that we're going to start getting messages from people saying, I'm out now, listening to the show. No, they won't. I don hear about it anymore. I now have a dread that we're going to start getting messages from people saying, and I would now listen to the show. Not surely, not in a towel bag. My point in a nutshell. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I was going to tell you what wound me up at the Russian State Circus. Oh, yeah. As I say, it's all people. Yeah. The Russian State Circus. And there was a lot of trapeze and high wire work.

And I'll tell you what several of them did, they wore safety wires you know they hook themselves onto safety wires that's not the bit that annoyed you is it? that's the bit that annoyed me don't get me wrong I don't want to see anyone killed

well you do what do you want an accident? I almost certainly don't want to see anyone kill. But there's something I just think, I could do it with that one. I know you could. No, but you know what I mean? The risk is part of what you're paying for.

£30, £36, I think I paid for a ticket. They've got safety wires up. Yeah. And is this for all the trapeze actors? No, a couple of the blokes were a bit like Ian Botham, no helmet. You know, they didn't have the safety wires. Oh, really? Oh, I like those ones.

Yeah, I respected those. It's a really weird thing, but I don't want to see anyone badly hurt, but I did feel short-changed. Yeah. You want to see Jeopardy. I want to see. There is Jeopardy, yeah. I don't mind the old...

The safety net. Because the safety... Down at the bottom. Yeah. Oh, right. I feel that about high-rise window cleaners as well. What, you think

they should just be... Yeah. No, they need to be... I don't... No, but it spoils it. I don't mind that because they're... No, they need to be...

You usually have them paid when you see them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But it didn't... I mean, I couldn't mind that because they're you usually haven't paid when you see them yeah yeah exactly but it did it I mean I couldn't psychologically it's an interesting quibble

because I it's I just feel they owed me a risk to their life and limb in their line of work that's what I felt

wow at least with the safety net there's always the chance of the bouncing out. You know, you see the ones when they land, then they bounce, and they land on the floor, and it's not going to be fatal, but it's going to shake them up, let's face it. But, no, spoiled it for me.

Oh. Here's a question for that. If there was a news, you know when they have stories in the news, and they say an an unknown an unnamed footballer has oh yeah been drinking and driving or a unnamed politician has been arrested outside a nightclub yeah if they said if if it said an on it turns out an unnamed British celebrity can fly. Yeah.

Can actually fly unaided. Yeah. Who would your guess be? For me, instantly, I don't know why this is, Fern Cotton. I just, when I think of her, I picture her against clouds. Well, I tell you what, I think there's something of the Tinkerbell about her. Maybe that's it. She's very sort of, you know,

Disney fairy in a lovely way. But if she could fly, would she be able to resist not using it on popular TV shows? Obviously, she might be using it

on the radio all the time for all we know. True. Yeah. Imagine walking past the studio. Is she still on Radio 1? I'm asking a young...

Oh, she's shaking her head in horror at the idea of anybody Is she still on Radio 1? I'm asking a young... Oh, she's shaking her head in horror at the idea of anybody that age being on Radio 1, which is like, what if she works on this show? But it could be she's... She thinks she's like loose women. She could be doing her radio show from, you know, say, six feet off the floor. Yeah. For all we know. Yeah.

But I think it's an interest in them. If the rumour went out that an unnamed celebrity could fly, who do you think it would be? 8, 12, 15? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had some flying celebrities in. Who do they think? B.A. Baracus would be my guess. Oh, because he was frightened to fly, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. And that's how he covered it up. His catchphrase was, I ain't getting in no plane. No, but he doesn't need to. No.

It's a good point. Yeah, fair enough. It's got to be Brian Blessed just as he was in Flash Gordon. That's what someone says. Zero, seven, one. You can imagine if Brian Blessed wanted to fly, then he probably could. There seems to be such a life force.

I think that's true. You can definitely imagine he will have told an anecdote about how it happened, even if it didn't. I was thinking if he could fly, the chances of him keeping a secret are very low. will have told an anecdote about how it happened, even if it didn't. I was thinking if he could fly, the chances of him keeping a secret are very low. He does tell an anecdote about how he flew so fast in a jet that when he got down, he'd actually gone through time. And he honestly tells that story.

Wow. Has anyone ever said, Brian's a bit quiet, isn't he? Is he all right, do you think? They will soon. Oh, goodness me. I should think, but that'll be the first time. Oh, it comes to us all.

346 has texted, able to fly, the antichrist herself, Catherine Jenkins, surely. Oh, yes, she can. My mum's suggestion was Gareth Malone, which I think deserves some merit. That's a good choice. Gareth Malone's very good. That's why he shaved the side of his hair.

He found it wasn't quite aerodynamic. And he hangs about with the clergy, Frank. Oh, he does. That's true. You should have some Wagner or something as a jingle for Catherine Jenkins. I think Orville could be the celeb who could fly. Oh, I see. He's wished it for a long time.

But I can't. You can. No, Oh, I see. Oh, he's wished it for a long time. Yeah. But I can't. You can. No, actually, I can. No, I think you can. No, no, really, it's not. I mean, apart from, forget the song, hold the song,

no, just stop the music. Can you stop the music? I actually can fly. But you're a, what are you, an owl? I'm not an owl, I'm green anyway a little

Keith Harris Orville dialogue Danny Gorman has suggested Jedward oh hand in hand

do you think a hundred oh yeah that reminds you the older woman who had two monkeys that died

took them to the taxidermist and said can you stuff these for me and the bloke said, do you want them mounted? And she said, no, just hold in hand. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, please do. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Please do. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And we've actually had an email.

I did my Friday night trawl. You know, I sometimes trawl through the emails that we've received last night. And just after midnight, we've had an email entitled Nostradamus Skinner. And it begins, I often listen to the podcast whileostradamus Skinner. Oh. And it begins, I often listen to the podcast while swimming at my local gym. What? Amazing what they can do now. Couldn't that be done?

Yeah, I think it's waterproof headphones. Waterproof headphones? Must be. Unless they mean on the way there, but I think they mean actually swimming. Often listen to the... What will they think of? Oh, unbelievable.

What a time to be alive. I honestly didn't know you could do that. I didn't really know that. I think it's amazing. I mean, swimming laps is boring, so... The great thing,

if you've got the grommets in, you can kill two birds with one stone. What's the grommets? If you've got grommets, you know you get grommets in your ear? Yeah.

Don't know what that is. It's if kids have a lot of... It's usually kids, a lot of usually kids fluid inside the ear oh ok right if they've got a glue ear for example right

they have the grommets and it's like you have to have plugs in your ears when you swim you could use your ear plugs from your underwater walkman

exactly that your swim man your swim man anyway they swim at their local gym can I tell you by the way yeah on the subject of Nostradamus...

Sure. I once... Late review. I once sent a text to someone, and I don't know why, but I referred to him, to Nostradamus. Yeah. Did you say Nostradamus? I did.

I'm happy to be corrected. I say Nostradamus. Okay, well, and I spelt it wrong. Oh. And predictive text offered me nostril. Oh, yeah? Really? And I thought, if predictive text is not working close with Nostradamus,

surely the godfather of predictive text. I should think he must have a patent somewhere if you went through his personal papers. Very good. Trayvon. Yeah. I'm in really good stuff. That's great.

I don't think that's great. I'm using that on my poster. I feel like I need to stop for a moment and just think, that's good. Attention must be paid. But it's a true story, yeah. Frank's material works on so many levels. Has another comic told me only this week?

Anyway, usually the lowest, but occasionally I ascend like fern cotton leaving Stansted. Well, Jason Clogg says I think Frank is asking for these suggestions to put people off the scent. It's actually

Frank who can fly. Oh, well, I wish. I wish that were true. I don't know. I feel like the latent show-off in him would mean that we'd know by now. Oh, I wouldn't be able to keep it under my... Latent show-off? Yeah, exactly.

Apparently, but also we should say, sorry to interrupt again, but I sort of suggested that Fern Cotton might, because she's not on Radio 1, she's not out of work by any means. Oh, no. She's doing a lot of radio, and she does, what did you say she did? Me? TV on Radio 1, she's not out of work by any means. She's doing a lot of radio and she does, what did you say she did? Me?

TV panel? Yeah, she does things. Celebrity juice does she do? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'm sure she does that. Look, we're just saying it's not a Clinton Cards type of situation. No, she's fine. She's got all cookbooks and all sorts.

With Holly Willoughby, I once... You know when you get names mixed up, I did it brilliantly. Sometimes it really works. I called her Billy Wallaby. And it works. I mean, it works. It's not often...

No, I was just saying, I was on with that Billy Wallaby, and they said, who wants... I thought I'd done a children's programme. In Australia. That's how she should be checking into hotels. Yeah. That's a great nondeclude.

Yeah, but there'd be a bit of a look from the desk clerk. Yeah. When you said, Wallaby, Billy. Billy's the first. I mean, they'd be very suspicious, I think. And wouldn't you feel some some sort of some sort of compulsion to hop to the lift? I don't know.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. I'm just going to start this email about the Nostradamus Skinner. Yeah.

I often listen to the podcast while swimming at my local gym and I'm a few weeks behind. Anyhow, this week, while listening to the episode aired on the 17th of July, imagine my shock when I heard Frank and the team

discuss the contempt he has for anyone having a coughing fit. And they've used inverted commas there. Coughing fit. And during the same episode the team debate... Oh no! Wasn't deliberate.

The absolute's just fallen off the wall. The team debated the relevance of a P45. We did. Well, the events that have befallen on our esteemed leader during the tory party conference this week has led me to believe that the show is not only entertaining but eerily prophetic i look forward to tuning in this week to discover what the show has to foretell on domestic and world events in the weeks to come. Well, watch out for Fern Cotton. Yeah, exactly.

From your bedroom window. I'd love that to be on our poster. Eerily prophetic. Eerily prophetic is very fine. Yeah. But, you know, my point was that if I see someone have a big coughing, stroke, choking fit, I never have quite the same respect for them after.

Yeah. And I think that seems to be happening nationwide. Yeah. Why would you go down in people's estimation as a prime minister because she had a coughing fit? I'll tell you what happens. She did, Theresa May, when she had this coughing fit, she did exactly what people tend to do during the coughing fit,

which is this she went excuse me and they say excuse me in a slightly camp way as if they've just said something a bit bawdy like excuse me yeah it's go their whole personality changes and then there's them struggling afterwards i hate it when they carry on when they forge on with the voice that was the mistake. I think you have to just say no, it's not happening. They say, oh, I can't actually listen to it.

She can't give up, though. She can't give up and stop doing it because then all the Tories that said that her speech was like a metaphor would be, would have had nothing to say after. It was like a metaphor. She was so many to carry on, and look at her. She carried on with her sore throat. Sorry, Frank. Sorry, I didn was so many to carry on, and look at her. She carried on with her sore throat. But you sound... Sorry, Frank.

Sorry, I didn't... No, carry on. I was just going to say, they end up sounding like Mavis from Coronation Street. The 30 seconds after the coughing fit, they say, the policy of neutrality. It sounds awful. To be fair, that's just because the conference was in Manchester

and she assimilated very quickly. You know, you pick up an accent in a place. I did, it was the first programme on Carlton Television. I don't know if you remember Carlton Television. I do. And it's a massive, and I said, I can't do it, my voice has gone. And they said, oh, God, it would really help if you could do it. So I did it and his voice, it was awful. And got a lot less laughs.

Oh, really? I got more than Bea Arthur, who died on her. Anyway, but it was horrible. And I remember I was in the green room after and the Chippendales were in there. Oh, yeah. And they were in there.

Not furniture, by the way. No, no, the men. He's worked with them all, Al. Yeah, I know. Did they have the cuffs, Frank? Do you know what? They were still in. They had this thing where they would just wear a dickie bow and collar and cuffs.

And the cuffs. And then black trousers. Yeah. And they'd be completely oiled and bare-chested apart from that. And they were like that in the green room. They hadn't put tracky tops on. I'd like to think that in the green room they hadn't put tracky tops on I'd like to think that in the green room

they were wearing the shirts that the collar and cuffs had been removed from and not the collar and cuffs that would have been gross that's what they should have done

like a little bit like a little bit neutral or something that's what they yeah that's what they should have done that would have been so brilliant

we've put those away now for the next show yeah do they just wear that to black tie then? What do they do then? Do they do black tie and cuffs then? They have to, don't they?

I mean, they looked amazing, but I was standing and they kept really staring at me. Why? And I thought... Jealous of your body? Maybe that. I thought that. You've got a lovely body.

I thought, you know... Well, I just wanted to... Stop that. No, but I didn't want him to think I was criticising. You know we're on air. Stop this. But it's hardly a chip and dial, is it? No.

I didn't mean it to sound creepy. I just meant to say that you're in good nick. Yeah, well, this was probably 15 years ago. Okay. So, you know... Why were they staring at you then? What was the story? Well, that's what I was a bit worried,

whether I'd be able to get to my car or not. But I then realized i was this is absolutely true i was leaning on the mirror they were actually constantly looking in the mirror as my cough turned because you don't want to be um coughling cop if you know what i mean yeah so i. So I did empathise a bit with TM. Theresa May, yeah. Because

it reduces your performance definitely. I'm glad we've established that. I think we have to go out on something funnier. Any ideas? What about My Dog's Got No Nose? How does it smell? It's actually dead.

So it smells, well, it's beneath the earth, but I can't, I don't know how it smells. Now, I imagine very soil-like. Lovely. I just remembered as well, I went out with a nudist once. Oh, did you? Yeah. Did you?

It's only just come back to me. One of the Chippendales? No, no. Was she with a nudist once. Oh, did you? Yeah. Did you? It's only just come back to me. One of the Chippendales? No, no. Was she always a nudist? Or just in your company? No, no. No, no. No, that was the problem.

If you go out with a nudist, you just don't feel special anymore. There you go. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, Theresa May, and then she got handed her P45, didn't she? Oh, yeah. I mean, it was a kind of Disney P45. It had a huge 4-5 on it.

I don't think they looked like that. Well, I haven't seen one for a few years. No, me neither. We're all doing all right, aren't we? None of us can say we'll never see one again, obviously. No, never say never. We live from show to show, my friend. Yes, it was one of them pranks, wasn't it?

Yeah. He's a known prankster. It was Penkian in nature, I would say. Yeah. From the genre started by Steve Penkian in nature, I would say. Yeah. From the genre started by Steve Penk. I don't know if it was started by him, but I think of him as the Grandmaster Penk. You have a looking beadle there?

Oh, there you are. Well, this is... Good point. What about Jonathan Rolfe on Candy Camera in the 60s? I thought you were insulting one of my friends. You're a consonant away from an insult. But this isn't his first time at the Pranking Rodeo. No.

No, he lives in Prank City. Pranksville, Tennessee. He does, yeah. Yeah, he dines on the Prankinferta. Yeah. Yeah, he dines on the prank-in-furter. Yeah. Yeah, he does, yeah. I think we've made the point.

This is that we're speaking of Simon Brodkin. Yes. Who... Was a doctor. He was a doctor, yeah. But he thought this was better. Yeah. He used to give out prescriptions

and now he's actually with my management company. And mine. And yours, Al. Yeah, we should all point out he's a genius. So what happened was he handed it over and then... What would you have done now if you'd been Theresa Mack?

Because she said, didn't she, this is what I want to give to Jeremy Corbyn. That was all right. Quite quick. No, because the problem with that is that Jeremy Corbyn wasn't being roasted. So there's no point. You can't deflect it onto him. You've got to attack the man who gave you the P45, surely.

No, because then she's saying to a prankster, oh, I'm going to give you the P45, surely? No, because then she's saying to a prankster, oh, I'm going to give you your P45. I'm not saying she should have said that exact thing to him. She's a prankster of a P45. She should have reduced him. No, but it shows the power of comedy. If she'd come up with a one-liner at that point, a winner, people have been saying she's back.

If she'd have said thanks, I'm saving that for the bloke who stuck the letters on the wall behind me, she'd have been rocking. Except they hadn't fallen off yet. It would be weird Nostradamus-type. As you know, we don't like to leave

things to the last minute on this show. In Nostradamus-style. I saw Michael Foote speak once. Did you? Into like a political crowd. Not at a conference, but just like a student gathering. Yeah.

And somebody shouted, you're an old fool. And he said, well, yes, I probably am an old fool. And got a round of applause. And I thought, old fool. And he said, well, yes, I probably am an old fool, and got a round of applause. And I thought, oldie. That's actually applying I'm having that to a heckle. Isn't it also

the, it's like he's done one class in improv where they say, say yes. Say yes and run with it. Exactly. He's just gone, yes, I am. I thought her other joke was better yeah she made a reference to Philip Hammond

it can be described as her other joke it's not a good sign in a whatever it was he handed her a lozenge Philip Hammond didn't he

oh yeah Chancellor and she said oh yeah the Chancellor's given away something she held it aloft and she'd obviously thought of it that minute

and she looked quite pleased yeah and she said the Chancellor's given away something for free. And then there was a little, there was a ripple. I think that is... I think that was a decent... It was a common standard comedy. And may I say, I watched Question Time this week,

and there was a woman on there, the first answer she gave, she gave like, you know, two or three paragraphs or whatever, and then she went, and as for Theresa May, at the Tory party conference, she did so many U-turns, I thought I was watching Top Gear and looked really pleased with herself. What did she get? Anything?

Nothing. But it was like her first answer. And it was so obviously a pre-prepared rubbish joke. Whereas at least Theresa May was doing you know, spontaneous Chancellor. You know what, Al? She hasn't got writers in. I thought she did all right under the circumstances.

She's pressurised. She's got a sore throat. A prankster has shown up. I'll give her the lozenge. I'll give her the lozenge, Al. The lozenge joke was decent. I'm not giving her that Corbyn one. I think that's fine.

No, it just was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. I'm not giving her that Corbyn one. I think that's fine. No, it just was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. I'm sounding really Team Jeremy now. She could have got him to sing, No, Jeremy Corbyn. That would be good. Because it works better than, Oh, Jeremy Corbyn.

Because, oh, he's just added to make it scan. Yeah. Which is something that Lennon and McCartney used to pick each other up on. What about... Don't just add a word to make it and McCartney used to pick each other up on. What about... Don't just add a word to make it scan. It's got to work. Oh, nice.

What about when Amber Rudd said to the farming brodkin, she went, go home, go home. She was like the matron at Eton. I loved her. Go home, boy. Well, he found me and asked me to work on him with Brodkins Going Home, the new... Oh, yeah.

His new comedy single. But we've got to go to Prankmeister Studios. And it's too far for me. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Do you think...

Did he get arrested, the prankster? No, no. OK. I think he was nabbed. He was grabbed by the Rosses, which fed his eyes water. But he was fully accredited so he was alright, it was all carefully

planned, I don't quite understand I haven't worked with brothers for a long time you've worked with them all though haven't you Prank or Stiltzkin that's what we call it I have but what

where do they go the pranks that he does is there a TV thing they go on they go on the YouTube YouTube you make money from that once you get 10,000 views you're laughing no I think

I don't think you make money from 10 000 views do you get like here we go the old internet expert i'm just guessing come on guys don't squabble it's not what people want to hear they're going for that at home okay let's say let's say a million views out would you would you say that seven pence i think that's what you get for about a million views is about seven pence i I'm guessing. You start making money maybe about then. Correct. Because he's done a few.

He's done a few. He threw money at Sepp Blatter. He did. Did he? And I think he wrecked the Blue Peter Garden. Was that him?

Yeah, definitely. But he's done it. Oh, he's... Yeah. I mean, that's his best one yeah the blue Peter Garner and he gets no credit for it

no I know unfair I've outed him now really funny there was a rumour there was a rumour that Les Ferdinand was one of the gang

that wrecked the blue Peter Garner are you allowed to say this on the radio well I think you can say there was a rumour oh ok fine

yeah if you can say there was a rumour. Oh, OK, fine. Yeah. If you can't, I've never heard that Les Ferdinand was involved in the murder. If I said that, it's even worse. Good shifting. That sounds like a real urban myth, though. That sounds like one of those Marilyn Manson and the Wanda years myth. Well, I saw Dennis Healy, a Labour politician interviewed once on Breakfast Television and they said, so is it true your wife

had an operation as a private hospital? Which obviously is anathema to a Labour politician. And he said well, you know, there's always, I mean, it was true, but he said there's always something about it. He said it's like all these rumours about Dennis Thatcher and the Mafia.

And I thought, come on! Great deflection. Fantastic work. Do you think Theresa May ever regrets calling the general election? Oh, dearly, I should think. It was very ironic.

Do you think a day goes past when she does her thing? That's sort of real shit. The shiver. You know you have to grab your own forearms? Yeah. Oh! I bet she does that, which is dangerous when she's driving.

Yeah. You've got to be careful. The F fell off, Frank. Pardon? The F fell off. And the E fell off as well. I have to say, when the letters fell off, I thought, contrary to every other thing,

I thought that was the moment I thought she's going to be all right. Why? Because I thought all these signs, you know, of images of her fumbling leadership, the voice going, and brothers coming up. But I thought if things were really going bad, it would have spelt something really bad, wouldn't it? It would have said something like loser or something like that.

Whereas it just says building a country that works or every on. Yeah, which is... That's all right. Yeah, it sounds like she's a Twitterati. Yes. Yeah. Wow. which is it sounds like she's a Twitterati yeah so it's probably worked to her advantage

I would have thought you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio there's also another bit of

furore with Theresa May's speech I love a furore with Theresa May's speech. I love a furore. Oh, good. And apparently it echoed an episode of The West Wing, Frank. You know, the American TV. Oh, yeah.

It's like that episode of The West Wing. It is like that episode of The West Wing. Yeah. Apparently there was a line in it that sounded very similar to a speech that's in that show from 2012 or something. And there's a bit of furore, people saying she's having that, somebody's nicked it. She said our capacity to rise to challenges might well be limitless, which is basically what Martin Sheen, not the man, but the character of, was he President Bartlett, had said?

Right. Exactly, it was verbatim, verbatim. Who's policing that, though? I mean, the people, I can understand when people say, oh, Joe Pasquale does Frank Skinner's jokes sometimes. But who's policing politicians? No, but this is what I was saying to you earlier this morning, actually, as we chatted pre-show.

If you use writers, you don't know where they're getting their stuff from. I mean, I sometimes police this. You know when somebody says to you, oh, I had a dream last night that something... Like Martin Luther. When they say I had a dream, I always go, oh, that's Martin Luther King. And they go, no.

It was, I was driving a car that had square wheels or whatever it is, you know. Oh, a shark. They're never as good as Martin Luther King's, actually, it turns out. And it's his shark in dreams. If you, if you use writers, right, which I basically disapprove of. He's gone a bit Ray Winston

writer. He's writers, right? They, you get your writers who write. Yeah. But what you do get is what I would call your writer gatherers.

Your writer gatherers, they write a bit but then they might just nip in the comedy store on a Friday night and see what's happening with us. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know this. And I think she's got someone and they've thought, oh, it's getting late, get a box set on, we'll find something. Yeah. They're going to be under pressure, like anyone, homework deadline's due.

Yeah. You know. They probably thought the voice would have gone by then, we'll be safe, but no. Another thing about the voice. It's like when Stephen Hawking, only when he brought out Brief History of Time, they only printed the first 50 pages

and left the rest blank, but apparently some out Brief History of Time, they only printed the first 50 pages and left the rest blank. But apparently some people did get that far and he was caught out. Of course, in the old days, the politicians always had semaphore up their sleeve. If they lost their voice, they'd just get the flags out. Oh, yeah.

How? I don't get it flags out. Oh, yeah? How? I don't get it. I don't get it. Where's this going? How many years? He's dropped it now. Has he dropped it out? I think that was it.

But was it a thing? I was happy with it. I feel like it's my fault for not getting it. But can we talk about it more? I'm not sure it's a good idea. Do you want to leave it? Okay. What happened?

Don't you see, how could she have scored, I'm moving on. How could she have scored maximum brownie points? What about if she took the letters behind her and done the whole speech in that really quickly? Oh, that would be good. I mean, as fast as she could, it would have took five to six hours, but done the whole speech in those loose letters.

She would have been like Rachel Riley, Frank. Oh, yeah. It would have been... I'll tell you what it reminded me of. I once did an audio play with Tom Baker, the fourth Doctor. He needs no intro.

No. And I, just in between takes, I just... And I'm going to have to change the word because there was a swear word involved. But as you may know, there was a guy who lived in the black country who didn't swear, so he used to say things like taunting and jaking.

The man who said um who said you exactly know taunting homo sheriff yourself um which uh anyway which one of our readers had a t-shirt made up saying that yes fantastic um i should translate it as you want any omar sharif yeah anyway he was a good looking man. I was... I heard Tom Baker say, Oh, it's like a taunting chest ward in here. I wish he'd been at the Conservative Party conference.

It would have lifted the whole thing. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I could have this as just a tape thing, couldn't I? That I pressed to think about it. Some of the DJs do the whole large sections of the show like that. Do they? Not here. No, but in general, in life. Darren John Chandler has been in touch, Frank. Oh. I'm just

packing for... DJ Chandler. I think I saw him performing. Fuerteventura where nudist colonies are still a big thing. Really? Is there still a nudist beach at Brighton or has that gone? Oh yes there used to be God we drove through

the night once to go there I remember having it after a drink How desperate were you? Well quite desperate and there was just we got there

we got there about 6am Who was it? You and some lads? Me and some yes That is horrible It was horrible

There was just one bloke on the beach Couldn't you have just had a gratin catalogue? That's what we went for Quite a big That is horrible. It was horrible. There was just one bloke on the beach. Couldn't you have just had a gratin catalogue? Quite a big man. A big wobbly man who was very cold affected as well. What a terrible journey that was in the list of terrible journeys. Well, journey home must have been depressing as well.

Well, it was better because I think apart from the driver, we were all drunk, so that helped. Did you say just here by the central reservation, mate? It's the level of my professionalism that I made up that thing about the driver. Anyway. We should really discuss this week our domestic habits because there's been a news story

can I say by the way I do absolutely 100% disapprove of drinking and driving in order to manifest that good in fact I feel that about drinking yeah never mind adding driving

yeah you've gone right the other way on the drinking haven't you I think it doesn't bring out the best in people. You seem pretty prohibition positive. I'd be up with the prohibition. I'd very much like to swing an axe into a keg and all the beer, like you said in films, in the Untouchables.

If anyone's got any beer kegs they want trashing, give us a shout. 8, 12, 15. Are you offering yourself as a personal appearance to go around with an axe? They've got to be full. You want that bit where you use the axe and the beer comes squirting out onto the street. Brilliant.

Messy. He won't do it. No. He wants to pay his tax, never mind getting involved in the prohibition business. If people want the odd drink, it's fine. Just don't drink loads of red wine at awards ceremony and then come up in my face, in my grill,

and talk loads with all red wine breath. The red wine mouth. I used to do some stand-up about red wine mouth. It's horrible, red wine mouth. It devalues everything the person's saying. It sits on the lip for a start off. Yeah. Like a bolster on a sofa.

It sits there. But it goes into the corners of the mouth and goes pink as it's worked by the movements of the lips. It sort of works it pink. Why would you drink something that gives you Tudor teeth? By the end of the evening, everyone's got Tudor teeth. Well, I've got Tudor teeth.

I haven't had a drink since 1986. I'd be happy with Tudor. I've had medieval as a description. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 412, the nudist beach is still in Brighton with a bank of pebbles built up so you can't see it from the beach and footpath

so I just sit on top deck of bus as go past why is he speaking like Tom Chants? I sit on top deck of bus as go past I think it's done by the same people who did Theresa May's death drop he says I think it's the same big wobbly man on the beach

he says never seen anyone good looking. No. Well, the woman who I went out with was good looking. I wonder if she was the only good looking nudist there's ever been. Maybe. Although we used to get Health and Efficiency magazine. There were some lovely women in that. Health and Efficiency. Well, most of lovely women in that. Health and Efficiency?

Well, most of the nudists on the documentaries look like George. It's a real thing, but I don't want to dwell on it. No, don't dwell on it, Frank. Don't dwell on it, please. It was black and white. I always think black and white's not so bad. Leave it. The men on the nudist documentaries always look like George in George and Mildred.

Yes. And they were holding a frying pan. looked like George in George and Mildred. Yeah. And they were holding a frying pan. Well, whenever you get

one of these blokes who champions nudity in public. Yeah. You know you get those blokes who always get arrested. And they always, people wouldn't mind

nudity in public if it wasn't for that bloke. But as you know, I'm a big champion of the naked bike ride. You are, yeah. so I'm not knocking it weirdos

weirdos but I find if you go out with a with a nudist the whole undressing thing is very

no nonsense right oh is it it's not what you want anyway let's talk about something else while I've still got a job

well we can talk about the your home personality psychologists have revealed something this week that apparently we have four distinct types of home organising persona so you're either a decorative

decanter, a heartfelt hoarder, a mindful maximalist or an opportunistic organiser. Wow. Good, depending on... Nice alliteration.

Thanks very much. Mindful maximalist is an old German boyfriend of mine. Well, it feels like it ought to be... Mindfield. An American, 1960s American, but it'd be mindful maximalist the third. Yeah, yeah. An eccentric billionaire.

Yeah, exactly. Who's in love with Jack Lemon, thinking that he's a woman. I'm a Mindville maximalist. Are you? Mindville. Now what does that mean again? Well I think the type is that they sort of run out of space for ornaments

and they buy things without anywhere to store them. Oh really? Apparently they love being with, well what I'm saying is they do a lot of impulse buys. So I'm not neurotic about my home environment, I just think I love that and I buy it. Apparently, a mindful maximalist like talking about their life experiences. Yeah, I think that they are people who keep lots of souvenirs, aren't they? People that bring back rocks from a holiday. Yeah? Yeah. Old Arsenal shirts? Rock. Single.

Oh, I think... Oh, rock. I should be speaking of... Rocks, like, from the beach. Speaking of old Arsenal shirts, though, I had a picture... How dare you? I had a picture on my wall...

Yeah? ...that both had drawn, and it's fallen off, and it's left one of the pieces of blue tat that have now remained, you know it's great when you get them on the wall forming an imaginary rectangle one of the pieces of blue tat that remain

looks to me, I was lying in bed looking at it the other morning, it looks a bit like former Arsenal midfielder Ray Parler in profile the Romford Pele I believe he was called. And I thought, well, I'll just leave that up. Because there's something brilliant

about Bluetail. It's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, if you know what I mean. To be forefronted. You know what, you could put that in a gallery and people would write essays about it. Oh, Frank Skinner's art. But it's a great showbiz, it's a common showbiz trajectory from support to headline. to headline act.

Very good. Brilliant. So which one are you, please? I am a not-that-bothered-but-I-do-rather-like-nice-furniture husband. So which one is that of these categories? No, I'm my own category. Is that a decorative fight? For God's sake.

Decorative decanter. That's very sort of zen, isn't it? Very sparse. Thanks a heartfelt hoarder, I think. My problem with that is I collect decorative decanters.

I've got a house full, a cluttered house full of them. I think I am the, we better go, Daisy's absolutely, she's shoving the small fares

in my face, which is the get shut up fares. I should explain is the get shut up fares I should explain briefly ow ok I won't explain Skinner

Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio so we're talking about these organisation personalities that are in this news article so we've got Absolute Radio. So we're talking about these organisation personalities

that are in this news article. So we've got decorative decanters. We don't think you're that. No. It's Heartfelt Hoarder. I think I am Heartfelt Hoarder. Heartfelt Hoarder sounds like a teddy bear that never took off. Do you know what I mean?

Like they tried to rival Sylvania families, but it never worked. With all lots of little things in a cupboard, in a plastic cupboard. Yeah, never worked. The box describing heartfelt hoarders says, people demonstrating this personality trait tend to be quieter and more thoughtful with a romantic nostalgic streak. Actually, you've got many of those. Yeah, he's romantic nostalgic.

Yeah, well, I'll give you that. Mindful maximalists are people displaying... People displaying this personality type are also to create a welcoming interior to welcome their friends, colleagues and neighbours. It doesn't even make sense, this article. Well, I... The heartfelt hoarder, the way it's defined,

which I think it says you keep clothes you've had for more than 10 years. I definitely do that. Yeah. But I keep them because when I'm listening to Absolute Radio's Decade Stations, I like to dress the part. Makes sense. Yeah.

You've still got things you had unplanned. I just judge your clothes by which show you were doing. Yeah, exactly. And it also says you keep your favourite toy from childhood. Do you? doing. Yeah, exactly. I got like, and it also says you keep your favourite toy from childhood. Do you? Yeah. Well, I didn't,

but I have bought a few back on eBay. I bought a Dandere radio. And Jonathan Ross got you a Johnny Seven gun. He did. He did. And I discovered this week

Tumahara. Oh, no. And if anyone knows better, please correct me, that you can't go out and buy an Action Man anymore. Is that right? Why not? Hara. And if anyone knows better, please correct me. That you can't go out and buy an action man anymore. Is that right? Why not? Oh, gender.

Well, I don't know what it is. You know the classic military uniform, shaven scarf? Of course I do, yeah. It could be the military thing or it could be the gender thing. I'd have thought the military was in its pomp at the moment. Yeah. It does seem to be. Help for heroes, our boys.

All that stuff, yeah. Oh, I'll miss him and his crazy fuzzy hair. Well, it made me think. Do you remember when I did Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, that long-forgotten ITV live panel show? You had some great material on that, Frank. I did. And I had the thing about I always pick up

pennies because I'm trying to train my action man to use a coaster remember that and it got nothing it got nothing on the night

nothing was that a stony ground it was remember that jingle well it very much felt it was it was strangled

by the thistles. Yeah. But now I'm thinking, well, if Action Man isn't out there, then maybe they're just confused. Oh, right, and that's what threw them. Yeah, a young crowd wouldn't know who Action Man was. I'm still working on justifying that joke.

Maybe they were thinking, I'm not sure Action Man is a coaster kind of character. I know, but I wanted them to think a little bit outside the box. That's my job. You're right. I've got to bring them up to me, not go down to them. I always feel with hoarders... You don't think they're listening, do you?

I don't think so. I always feel with hoarders that they don't think they're listening, do you? I don't think so. I always feel with hoarders that they've got to be comfortable with spiders. Because when you move a box that's been there for years, you're basically going to see something scamper across. I had a bag, a carrier bag, with some... just some paper in it.

Sounds a bit J.R. Hartley. Oh, man, there was a big spider in it. I mean, one of those, wherever you feel about spiders, there's a certain size where you feel your heart go. And we wrestled on the bedroom floor. Women in love. It was a bit like that. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, I saw a massive spider in my living room on Thursday night whilst I was watching Question Time, actually. It just walked across. It stood on the rug as if it was watching the telly and then walked off. A member of the family now. As if it was like, you know, more politics. Yeah. I've had enough of this.

I hope so. They're very apolitical now, the arachnids. That's true. That's the right thing. I have... David Baddiel came round my house the other day, sat down in my... Was this after the cinema? No, before, pre-cinema.

They've been seeing a lot of each other. He sat about 50 feet away and wouldn't come over. What was that for? To watch the England game? No, no, he just, you know, met up and he sat down and he said, is your house always going to be like this? Honestly, I'm not making that up. Because my house still looks,

it looks like we moved in yesterday. And we've been there like five years. It's terrible, really. It's like a squat. It's not. It's a lovely house. It's a lovely house, but we've ruined it. I mean, it does look like a squat. It's not. It's a lovely house. It's a lovely house, but we've ruined it. I mean, it does look like a squat.

Did Bo Diddley, the popular 50s rock and roll pioneer, ever live in a squat? Oh, okay. I understand that. I'd love to know. I've got a lot easier than the semaphore one. Can we just leave the semaphore?

No. You know what happens, don't you? What? Yeah, but amongst my own people. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, there's another category in these organisers, and that is the opportunistic organisers. They sound like absolute nightmares.

They sound like control freaks. They sound a little bit cray-cray, if I'm honest. Do these people exit their tidy other people's houses? Outrageous. Well, you know people like that, don't you? I do. There's our cleaner for a start-off. Well, maybe that's a good job for those people.

Yeah. Yeah. And they like to rearrange things. Yeah. And they rearrange cupboards at work, it says. Can I say my mother-in-law, she likes to reorganise the kitchen. Does she?

Yeah, so you go and get, you know, you reach... She likes to leave it so it's clean. You reach for the ketchup and it's in a new drawer. It's alright. A ketchup drawer. It's alright. I remember a woman years ago, I mean probably 40 years ago.

Oh, God, I hate this period of your life. Got in touch with Radio... Makes me feel sick. Radio 1. It's something like the Johnny Walker show or something like that. And she said, she's good, this is a text in and a half from 40 years ago. And she said that she could not, physically, was not able to mix knives, forks and spoons in the same section because she couldn't shrug off the idea that when she was in bed at night they would squabble.

What, you mean she needed to have the divider? Yeah, she needed the divider just for the sake of crowd control. Me too. Segregation. We didn't know then. Different times. We didn't know then. Different times. We didn't eat the fruit. But we were reliving it

in our own kitchen drawer. How ironic. Indeed. So yeah, I, the souvenir, the one souvenir which sticks in my mind is I played in 96, I played Oh, it was a massive year my mind is I played in 96. Oh, it was a massive year for you.

I played softball. Oh, yeah. Celebrity softball in Veterans Stadium, Philadelphia. This is one of those stories that when you first told me about it, I thought it was a dream or some weird improv. No, I thought it was one of his lies. You know when he tells those weird lies. I'll tell you who was in the team.

Should I tell you who the captain was? I will. Was it Nicky Clark? Bill Cosby was the captain. Different times. But we didn't know. We didn't know. He was a worldwide treasure.

He was a worldwide treasure then. Turn the heating down. John Grisham played. Ron Howard. Wow. Meatloaf. Two out of three ain't bad. Exactly.

And as Adam Sandler pointed out, Chubby Checker was a no-show. This is possibly your most name-droppy story. I love it. Anyway, they gave me a baseball bat. A baseball bat that had my name carved into it.

I mean, carved quite deep into it, like an inch. You know, the Superman letters, as I like to think of them. Yeah. So I've still got that. Great. Really? I've often thought, if I ever beat a burglar to death with it, the evidence against me would

be immense just have my name all over it or her I'm not saying they can't climb the I've got the cricket bat with Stuart Broad's name carved quite deeply

so you know Broady's going to go down for it. Yeah? Yeah. Was that his promise? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I say. Go on, carry on.

We haven't actually got loads of clutter, but we've got a cellar in our house that we're about to get converted into hatred from our neighbours. Are you doing one of those? You'll be one of those. No, we're not digging in. We're just getting it lined and turned into usable rooms. Not a super basement.

Will it have a pool table and that? No, I don't think so. Will it have a swimming pool? No, I don't think so. Will it have a swimming pool? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. My manager's got an underground swimming pool. Cool. Okay. Cool guy. Neighbours love him. Yeah, I'll bet.

But I had to lift all the stuff because we've got loads of junk in the cellar. I had to move it all upstairs, either to the top floor of our house or down the street junk in the cellar. I had to move it all upstairs, either to the top floor of our house or down the street and into the cellar of a neighbour who has kindly donated some storage to us. I have no idea. I did that for that woman that lived under George Michael.

Yeah. Stacking up stuff and I had no idea. I did that for a whole day, just moving boxes and camping gear and tonnes of stuff up and downstairs. And my knees crunch. I don't for a whole day, just moving boxes and camping gear and tons of stuff up and down stairs. And my knees crunch. I don't know if that's normal. Do other people's knees crunch on stairways?

That comes from the marshals. Oh, yeah. Oh, does it? Yeah. But by the end of the day, oh, man, my knees had crunched that much. I actually had tinnitus, little and sore knees. Oh, from the noise. Oh, man, I right rack it.

I think you might be a heartfelt hoarder. No, no, it's just, you know, it's just life. Just having, you know, a cellar full of stuff, papers and camping gear. And by the end of the day, I actually hated gravity. People who were there against their will. Oh, well, I've gone off gravity. It's up and down, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yes, it's mainly down, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. If we're going to talk about a general trend... Yeah, yeah. I don't know, I pay someone to fight it for me. Good on you. Yeah.

Nice. Good on you. Thank you. Good luck with that. Thank you. I've lost, if not... Honestly. You haven't.

I am. Your regime has helped me. I'm talking, if not. You haven't. I am. Your regime has helped me. Really? I'm talking in the sock at the moment. Anyway, look, it's been lovely. It's been lovely as ever, sharing with you all. And Sarah Champion is up next.

Yeah. Go on. Go on, next. Yeah. Go on, go on, girl. Nice. Go on, girl. Go on, girl. This is what they need, motivation, the people that work here. I keep telling the management that. Leave it to me.

Mr Motivator. Don't leave it to him. Team bonding weekend and stuff. I know. And also to sing the Absolute song every morning before we start work. We love to come to Absolute. You know that song? Yeah. The receptionists

are rather cute. Don't like that verse. He'll be 70s. He'll be 70s. We never know what'll happen next. But we laugh because it's 50 pence as. We never know what'll happen next. But we laugh cos it's 50 pence a text. You must know.

It's so much love. Anyway, look, bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.