The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Not being funny but...

Episode Date: January 24, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss their least favourite phrases and whether they are 'cool'. Frank shares his new showering technique and the team hear from Miss Birmingham.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. And that fluttering of paper signifies that I'm about to say this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the absolute radio

website you betcha that's all you need to know we already had a tweet in from someone oh yeah um yeah i think it was someone uh saying can you recommend a non-alcohol wine that doesn't taste like four asterisks yes so four asterisks what a what a comic convention that was um yes iceberg e-i-s-b-e-r-g they do all the whole round the riseling is the standard but they do a nice red do they oh lovely they'll be delighted if they're listening, won't they? They won't be listening, will they? Well, they might be up to something. Well, they won't have a hangover, come to think of it.

They might do alcoholic wine as well, so check. But, yeah, that's the best, definitely. Okay. Lovely start to the show this morning. It is a lovely start, yes. Um, yes. So, I'll tell you what, I, um... What about I got you a birthday present this morning?

Yes, that's true. And I'll just say, the team, it hasn't arrived yet. It's a bit embarrassing. The team hasn't arrived. No, the team had bought you a present, but it hasn't arrived yet. Yes, that's quite exciting, though. That suggests to me that it's something alive. Yep. You know, you only get half a racehorse. We got you the whole thing Did you?

We'd spend the extra because we think you're special Okay I like the idea of it being in my bed You know when people buy half a racehorse It's actually in there like in the Godfather Right Frank, what did I get you? You got me a TARDIS biscuit barrel

Yeah Great present Will be heavily used, of course get you. You got me a TARDIS biscuit barrel. Yeah! Great present! Will be heavily used, of course. It's any sort of Doctor Who memorabilia, gratefully received. So yeah, it's lovely. I'll describe it to you. It looks like a 1950s or 60s

British police box. And the amazing thing about it is that there's more biscuits on the inside than it looks like there should be from the outside. Yes. Yes. You know, because it's a tart. I know, I'm with you. I'm with you on it, don't worry. Yeah? Pizzas,

go put pizzas in it. Yeah. It's like Mary Poppins' handbag in that regard, isn't it? Well, is anything really like Mary Poppins' handbag? I, er... Oh, yes, it is my birthday this week, and on that theme,

I heard one of my most hated phrases this week, and occasionally I moan on the show about, I have no justice for this, there are just some phrases that make me feel poorly when I hear people say them. Well, when Daisy said, my bad, this morning. I'm quite all right with my bad. You know, it's still new to me, my bad.

One of my all times has been, in any way, shape or form. I mean, that one, that makes me... It makes me, just for a few seconds, hate the person who's just said it. What's the big problem with it? In any way, shape or form. Do I have to say any more than that? Just repeating it is not

elucidating on the problem, is it? I just... Anyway, the one I was going to refer to is, it was Tom Baker's birthday this week. Of course it was. I'm keeping the biscuit theme going. And I saw someone describe him as 81 years young.

Oh! That I hate. I mean, if you're 81, you're 81. There's no getting round it. 81 years young is not going to make you feel any better, is he? Do you think he's thinking, actually, I hadn't thought of it that way.

Yeah. Definitely not. It's like when people say you know alive and well it's like if they then and then they say they're dead and well it's not

you know it's just not true you see that's quite tabloid they like to say that in the same way that they like to describe someone

as living in a leafy North London suburb yes and having got a deal for a cool million cool million yeah I I that thing about saying Yes. And having got a deal for a cool million. Cool million. Yeah, I... That thing about saying 81 years young

suggests that the term old, as in, you know, three years old, 30 years old, 80 years old, should have some sort of gradation. Like, you should be three years young and then you should be, like, 40 years middle-aged. People wouldn't like that. I've always felt for the French women, that moment you get into a shop and someone calls you madame

for the first time instead of mademoiselle. I slapped them round the face. That must be a big moment, hadn't it? Well, it is for them when I slap them. Yes. I won't have it. But those women who are on the cusp, I'd always go mademoiselle, play safe. Back me up on this. Well, I'd always go, I'll play safe.

Back me up on this. Well, I'm just going to get a T-shirt saying, Mademoiselle, forever. Oh, that's good. Not remotely creepy. I'm 70. I saw a woman in Bournemouth with a T-shirt that said,

forever beautiful. I'd like to see her again now. And say, do you remember that T-shirt you had? Life's funny, isn't it? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text from 449. Morning, Frank. How do you feel about costing Ray Mears £10,000? Well...

We should explain, shouldn't we? Yes, in case you don't know this story, Ray Mears went on Room 101, which is television. You know television? I'm aware of the medium. It's a television show, I do, Room 101. And he... It's a lovely little show, that one.

He condemned caravans and the people who enjoy being in them. Quite, um... With some with some vigor vehemently and uh he had taken a booking to speak as a caravan sort of convention yeah which he spoke about you know the joy of caravanning seems like bad planning looking back on it going to the mail yeah 10k planning looking back on it. 10K. He's getting 10K for it.

Was it a cool 10K? I think it was. Well, it wouldn't be that cool if it was a Caravan convention. You might want to check your diary before you make these jokes. I defended the Caravan. Thanks to the corporates. Very much so.

I think what he didn't like is that the idea is he takes the sort of wilds into our homes. Right. Whereas with caravanners you can take your homes into the wilds. That's true, yeah. So it could put him out of business. It's all a bit sanitised for him as well. Yeah, it probably is a bit.

But he likes to sleep inside I think a hollowed out ox. Me too. I don't know, I'm not sure about him. I did it once and the aorta flapped down during the night and just tickled my face, kept me awake most of the night.

I should have stripped that out, but you know, you're tired. You think I'll just do the major organs. The aorta can wait till the morning. Yeah. It's a good story. It always can. It's one of Frank's oxtails. Oh! Yuck!

So, um, yes, he got pulled and he lost his ten grand fee. If you're listening, Ray, sorry about that, but you brought it on yourself. I tried to talk you out of it. Frank! I was just going to say, in that situation, would you feel any compulsion

to apologise? Would you text and say oh, sorry to hear about the caravan gig falling through? No, he chose to put caravans in. He did say, why are they white? They should paint them green at least, which I thought, it's a great plan except for people that drink heavily in caravan sites

and then they're on their way home walking into a big green caravan. I like caravan. I like caravan. That's a bit Barbara Dixon. What? What did I do? Caravan. Caravan.

What did I do? What did I do? I don't know what I've done. You pronounced it in an interesting way. Did I? It's normally caravan, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I said.

No, you didn't. You said caravan. You did not say that. You said caravan. You were on the verge of saying caravaggia. Yes. I can barely hear you guys or me today, so I don't know, maybe it came out. You did not say that. You said caravan. You were on the verge of saying Caravaggio. I can barely hear you guys or me today, so I don't know, maybe it came out.

You went a bit... What have you got there? Caravan. Are you a muff, son? Caravan. No, that's a head fan. Caravan. Caravan, anyway.

Oh, no. Played that up. Is this like Descartes all over again? It's in the ballpark of Descartes. It's worse. Oh, no, come on. It isn't worse than Descartes. I can't think of anything worse than that.

Descartes sounds like something if you go to work and you push your desk with you on wheels and take big handles and then you arrive so you can sit where you like. He didn't know. We've taught him something. Oh, no, it's not right to mock. Look what happened to poor Alicia Duval. I'm not being funny, but that is an irritating phrase, according to Julian Fraser.

And he knows about phrases. That's his job. When someone starts a sentence with I'm not being funny. Yes, I often hear it going through my head while I'm doing this show. But it's more of a warning alarm going off than anything. I think it's good that people say it when they're not being funny, though. It's good that they acknowledge that. I nearly always want to interject, I don't expect you to be. People say I'm not being funny, but I always think, yeah, yeah, I know.

That's not your job. Absolutely got the status quo. No, you're not. Another one, I read a thing, didn't I? I listened to it on the radio, and this guy said, so we went to this Welsh mountain, he said, blah, blah, blah, blah, and yours truly. And when people say yours truly, for me, oh. Oh, that's awful.

Especially in the age now where the letter has died, so people don't even write yours truly anymore. Yeah, that's true. The outdated phrases are ones that really jar. I told my son that he sounded like a stock record the other day. What did he make of that? He's seven years old. 1940s dad. He sounded like a stock MP3. Exactly.

He's got no cultural reference at all. He's got a stock CD still. I remember when we did, I once did a TV show called Fantasy Football back in the old days. I'm aware of your work. I'm not being funny, but I remember that. We had a letter from a bloke who was like a sports presenter. A letter?

Yeah, a sports presenter on some... And he signed it, and I don't think he was being ironic. He signed it, yours in sport. Nice. And I have used that a few times on autographs i think uh gary de la ca should have that on his business class that's good i'll tell you the other one i like you never anymore moggins oh my god to move it moggins no it's always followed by here i say that quite a lot he Do you use that still? Yeah, yeah. Can I be honest? He does.

Yeah, well, I've never heard it on the show. Don't keep your best friends for elsewhere. Doing my best work in the gym. Yeah. It's all right on the training ground. Yeah. When it comes to the big match. Who has to carry it?

Muggins. Hank, what about, um, it'd be rude not to? Oh. Yeah, what is that normally referring to? Is that when you're offered food? Yeah, it's people in IT ordering dessert. Well, it'd be rude not to. Mississippi mud pie.

I've always been a big fan of I Don't Mind If I Do, though. Oh. You like that? Yeah. You want a drink? Ooh, I don't mind if I do. I like that. Someone's emailed,

Phrases We Hate is the title, and the email says nothing except, When it's gone, it's gone. Oh, that's up there with, It is what it is. When it's gone, it's gone. I think It Is What It Is is the new, at the end of the day. Yeah. If you know what I mean. There's a lot of phrases in there. And it's gone, it's gone. I think It Is What It Is is the new At The End Of The Day.

Yeah. If you know what I mean. There's a lot of phrases in it. You're doing a lot of these. What about Dave Pearson says I'll tell you for why? Yeah, that is an odd one, isn't it? You do that. Why do they do that?

I do that. I don't like For The Simple Reason either. Oh, I've never heard that. Is that a Birmingham one? For The Simple Reason. Oh, shut up. Anyway, sorry, this is not bringing out the best in me.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. You've got some good phrases, Frank. Little bad phrases. Dan Skipsy. Can I phone a friend? Oh, Dan, I'm with you on that.

I don't like that. He's a very lonely man, Dan, though. He presses his buttons when he hears that. Arundel Spy. I hate the phrase touch base. I'll touch base with you. Hashtag wrong, he says. Yeah, I remember when that first came in

and it felt very exotic and American. And now everybody says it. And they don't say it with a sort of slightly embarrassed tone. They just say it as if it's normal. No, we're all touching base all the time, aren't we? Well, speak for yourself. I like it when... I'm touching base at the moment, but I think I can hold out to the next record.

Absolutely sickening. I don't know, it's terrible. I apologise. Horrible. Hi, no, it's terrible. I apologise. Horrible. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. It's the use of I gave 110%. There is no such thing. That's from Kat in Cardiff.

Well, is there no such thing, though? There's 110%? Yeah. No. No, there isn't. Guess what? My trainer, Lionel, he says hunnit for 100%. Hunnit.

That's all right. Hunnit. 150%? Hunnit fitty. He never says that. He does. Oh, no. Hunnit for 100%. Hunnit. That's all right. 150% hunnitfiddy. He never says that. He does. Hunnitfiddy. Is he a fan of Dick Fiddy? He must have been mentioned on the show for a while. God bless him.

Speaking of words, I'll tell you what I did this week for the first time in my life. I completed a cryptic crossword. Wow. And I'll tell you how it happened. I listened to a radio show on Radio 4 by David Baddiel. Remember her? And

in which he talked about how he'd always found it an impenetrable thing, the cryptic crossword. And they gave some examples of clues, such as bar of soap, 6-6. Any offers? Oh. Bar of soap.

No, I can't do this kind of thing. Rover's return. Oh, yeah, that's cool. You know, Daisy, the producer, gasped. Yeah, so I was inspired by David Baddiel's radio show. And it was one of these when you could go to the website to look at notes on how to do. So I had a look at a few things that I had no idea about cryptic crosswords. I've got to say Bar of Soap, the brilliance of it, it just keeps hitting me.

Yeah, it's fantastic. It's quite extraordinary. So Bar of Soap, the brilliance of it, it just keeps hitting me. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's quite extraordinary. And so I thought, you know, that's it, I'm going to go out into the world armed with these tips and went and did my first ever one. What about that?

That's brilliant. So what I've done, again, is I've made that a retrospective New Year's resolution. Oh, right. Conquer Crypto Crossroads. Anything that I do now, I think, I can put the label, it's January, put the label New Year's resolution and then tick it off. Nice.

So, yeah, that's going well. Also, this week, and this is a... What about this? I've discovered... I mean, I am an older man now. Mm-hm. I have discovered a revolutionary new way of showering. Oh, I hate it when you talk about things like this.

Handstand. No, not the handstand. I abandoned that. Kept getting stuff in my eye. After the broken nose incident. I kept getting all brown in my eye. What I do is... What's wrong with you? I was having a shower

and the water was not going down the plug hole so it was starting to fill up so I thought this is going to be like a James Bond thing if I let this go, it's going to be like up to my chin so I thought it's going to overflow

so I turned the water off to let the levels drop a bit. Oh, that's a nice idea. Mid-shower. So, yeah, so I thought, well, I'm not going to stand here like a fool. I'm going to start soaping. So I was already wet, obviously, so I soaped without the shower on. So no water on, so it's just me wet. Are we talking one rover's return, as I call it now?

Just the one rover's return. Yeah, so I had a bar of soap, which was wet's just me wet. Are we talking one Rover's Return, as I call it now? Just the one Rover's Return. Yeah, so I had a bar of soap, which was wet, I was wet, so I rubbed it on. I went completely... It was just white on me. Can I just say, while you're doing this, I'm obviously picturing it, but you are wearing swimming shorts. OK. Just to clarify, the pictures in my head have got you decent.

OK, if that's how you want to think of it. I was soaped up. So I was completely covered in white soap. I looked like... Say, you know that film The Snowman? Yes. If they'd made that in response to the obesity crisis, and made The Snowman much slimmer,

that's what I looked like. And what's great about it, two things. First of all, well, I think I should come back to this because I've got some adverts to play. But I think when I've explained this to you, you'll show like this for the rest of your lives. I very much doubt it. Well, never say never.

I hate that phrase. I never use it. That's because I'm... Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Don Real says... John Brackett's real. He likes to keep it that way.

We have a text from John Brackett's imitation. He says he doesn't like anything French. A certain je ne sais quoi. See, I love a French phrase. I look forward to saying it. I can feel my lips start to tense up. You really French them, don't you? You go for it.

Oh, God, I love it. Steve Austin. Wasn't that a six million dollar man? Oh, I loved him. My most hated phrase, I feel you. It's just creepy, he says. I don't know that one. Oh, you do know. It's very American. Oh, I feel you. I feel him. My most hated phrase, I feel you. It's just creepy, he says. I don't know that one. Oh, you do know.

It's very American. Oh, I feel you. I feel you. Is that a bit like me sight you? There's nothing like that. What's that? I was very friendly with this West Indian girl. She used to speak quite posh.

Well, posh for Birmingham. Seemed posh to me. Then she'd phone her family and say, yeah, OK, OK, OK. Would she phone a friend? She'd phone her family. Would she say never say never? And at the end of it, she'd always say, OK, OK, me say to you.

And it used to come out of nowhere, because she was so well, you know, well, not that it's on, but I mean, she's sort of received pronunciation, and then this really deep West Indian would come in. But I don't feel I can use it now in the modern age. I'd like to use it myself. No, don't use that. No.

It's a pity, isn't it? Why not? We've had a cabbie texting saying... A cabbie's texting? I'm sure he'd have no qualms about using that. He says from cabbie, well, actually you say that, but he's gone for, you scrub up well, and her indoors, her indoors is awful, isn't it?

In fact, quite a lot of relationship ones have been sent in, like, my other half. of relationship ones have been sent in like my other half. Yeah Phil Harrison says can't stand my other half. I don't know whether he's referring to his partner or he doesn't like the phrase. Yeah he texts that in every week. He thinks we're his solicitor. Yeah her indoors

I don't know I went out with, I wrote to a woman who's a long term prison inmate, a hollow wife. You know how people write to them? Yeah. I used to refer to her as her endorsement.

Her endorsement, yeah. Makes sense. Those women who write to the murderers. Yeah. God, they're a funny lot. Is that what you brought us here to discuss? I don't know. I don't take this the wrong way,

but are some of them similar to the ones that write to you? Don't take that the wrong way. I don't know the answer to that, but I'm not condemning those women. Someone already has, though, haven't they? No, they've condemned the blokes. Oh, that's right. The women are all right.

That's right. Why do they do it? I still haven't explained my show a bit. We haven't got on to my show a bit. Oh, go on, Sam. I'm standing here soaking wet. Okay, so you... Metaphorically. Well, now I've got to play some music now. All right. I mean, we've got the

news, we've got adverts. We're just padding. You're going to be wet for ages. You're going to catch a chill at this rate. Luckily, I'm heavily covered in soap. I'll have to revitalise the old anecdote,

maybe go back to the beginning. You can do that. Yeah. It all kills time, doesn't it? I feel you. Thanks. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

So, yeah, so, if you recall, I had to turn my shower water off because it was... my cup ran over. So I ended up soaping up without the shower on. Just two things about it. First of all, it's a very... it's much quieter. Once you turn the water off in the shower, all you could hear was...

I don't like this sound effect. quieter. Once you turned the water off in the shower, all you could hear was psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. I don't like this sound effect. That's really terrible. That's me soaping up. I know, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. That's all you could hear. So I got completely white and covered in soap. And I'll tell you one thing you realise.

You're like Charles Bronson covered in butter. Yes, what a night that was. And I, what you night that was. And I... What you realise is when you're soaping up in a shower, you're fighting a losing battle, because the water's coming down. No sooner are you putting the soap on than it's been washed off immediately.

You must have noticed that in the shower. Yeah. It's, you know... It's like a fourth bridge kind of scenario. I don't use a bar of soap. Don't you? No, I've never used soap. Oh.

Because I'm not on a ship in the 1840s. Aren't you? No. I tend to use a shower gel. Oh, okay, you use a gel. Well, anyway, it made me realise it's much more efficient. And then you really look forward to getting the water back on because you're getting a bit cold you're ready and then on it comes and it's oh it's fantastic

i really would recommend i just show like that all the time now how long do you stand there for in the soap a couple of minutes just till you're completely covered and then i might throw in no i might like a 90-second marinade. And then I just rinse it all off. But it's much better. A shower is a very impractical place to apply soap to the body. True. Because it's constantly being washed off.

No one's ever mentioned that before. Thank you. So you can have that. You can have that. Not charging anyone, that's yours yours Yours to use and to enjoy And to change your sweet lives You're already sweet lives ladies and gentlemen This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

With Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. Try the webby! There was a slight pause before you remembered my surname there. It was a bit like Pinter was talking about me. Stop showing off with your drama

school background yeah yeah big show off me big show off um good use of webby very chagas in big brother when you do that thank you was that on the web he says sometimes we're still they're texting in they're loving this phrases that they hate. OK, and what have we got? Five, four, six, there's nothing worse than, how are you in yourself? That's from Joe. Yes, that is a strange one, isn't it? You see, I have to say that Joe has used one I always pick people up on, and that is when people say, well, there's nothing worse than.

Because they often say, I can't really say what I say. No, I know, but the thing that I use... No, I know, but you pull out an atrocity, don't you? I pull out a great atrocity or natural disaster. Yeah. And they say, well, there's nothing worse than even fingernails on a chalkboard. You've done it to me, and I felt humiliated.

And I'll say, well, what about the genociding? And then you'll mention something terrible. Yes. And sometimes I'll stick with it and say, well, I don't know if that is actually worth... And I respect them for that. Oh, good, I stuck with it. Yeah.

379, I can't stand people who say, I tell it like it is. Because when you tell them it like it is, i.e. their children are ugly, they get angry. People don't like that. And we've had one, I'm just being honest. Hi, Frank, Miss M and Lecoq. Greetings and salutations. angry people don't like that and uh we've had one i'm just being honest hi frank miss em and lecoq greetings and salutations a phrase that winds me up is i pay your wages which i rate customers say to me fairly often yet when i ask them for a pay rise they always decline it makes

no sense we all pay each other's wages i bought a book the other day so i must pay the wages of everyone at wh smith cool i'll get them to come round and clean my house. What he should have done is when he bought that book, he should have took a small set of scales with him. Put it on there and if anyone had come over, he could have said to the people from WH Smith, I weigh your pages. Very good.

That's lovely. It's pretty good, you know. It's not funny, but spontaneity wise. It's not funny. You have to respect it. It's not funny, but it's if I'm in spont- it's not funny, but spont- spontaneity-wise. It's not funny. You have to respect it. It's not funny, but it's pleasing. Yeah, it's alright. That's one of my mottos. I know, you know, I'm not being funny.

I'm being, you know, intricate. Guess what we've just had in? An invitation for you. Yes, the word is invitation, not invite. Invite is an American corruption, as my father often told me. We've had an invitation in for you from Miss Birmingham. At Miss Birmingham. Is it for people who miss Birmingham? No. That doesn't apply to anyone. That is, take that back. Can I say I'm an honorary Birmingham, and I love Birmingham's, and they all know that.

Okay. I've got a big demographic there. So Miss Birmingham. What, the actual lady or the organisation? No, the organisation. OK. I definitely think we should ask Frank Skinner to come as a celebrity judge for Miss Birmingham.

Wow. At Miss England News, hashtag Absolute Radio. I mean, there's all the hashtags. It looks very official. Yes. You've been asked to be a judge for Miss Birmingham. That is the most sort of traditional British comedy thing I've ever heard. That is how most comedians in the 50s and 60s met their wives.

Yeah, I know. Bruce Forsyth met Willa Neelya at the Miss World thing. Interesting pronunciation of Will-Neelya. Oh, is it? Will-A-Neelya. He said it as if it was two people. Will- of Will-Nelia. Oh, is it? Will-A-Nelia. You said it as if it was two people, Will and Nelia. Yes. They're a nice couple.

Is she on The Voice now? Will-I-Am-ia. Well, anyway, you met her. Was she Miss Costa Rica? Well, you've already got your life partner. Although I have to say, Kathy's got a figure good enough to be in Miss Birmingham. You said a mouthful.

It is, I mean, I'm sure it'd be a lovely day out. They're a bit more... Lovely day out? They're a bit more respectable now, aren't they? A lovely day out. I don't think they have the swimsuit section anymore. I think they have the swimsuit, but they ask them questions like, what do you think of Russia and the

Ukraine and like it's all that sort of stuff now, innit? I think they have like the national dress. Obviously it'll be representing the various regions of Birmingham. What are they going to wear for Birmingham? Nice. Well, there'll be someone, you know, from Like a coal sack. If I said that, imagine the trouble with my accent

if I said that. There's no coal. There's no coal in Birmingham. If somebody came in from, you know, I suppose, Bourneville, they'd be dressed as a bar of chocolate. Right. Yeah. Hail, Zoe. A different bar of chocolate.

Yeah, they could be dressed as one of those salt and vinegar. You know those big plastic salt and vinegar bottles you get in cafes? They're all made in Hailale's, aren't they? Is that true? Yes. Oh, lovely information. That's a great detail. I kid you not.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I have a question about coolness, actually. David Cameron... You're asking the wrong bloke. Well, you say that, but David Cameron was interviewed on Capital Extra by a DJ, and he was asked... Not one of ours. No, not one of ours, but he was asked several questions to identify whether or not he was cool.

Apparently the guy said... Well, I could have told him that. We all want a very cool prime minister because we've got a cool American president. Can I say I don't? The last thing I want is a cool prime minister. Well, I think that may be what we've got, is an uncool one. What could be weiss?

Yeah, so he admitted that he sounded very old because he said he couldn't understand why everybody's interested in the Kardashians and that he preferred Brian Ferry to pop stars Jay-Z and Iggy Azalea. Iggy Azalea. I mean, I'm not saying I'm uncool

but I don't even know who that is. Who is Iggy? Who is Iggy Azalea? She's an Australian. She's kind of a rapper. Oh, it's a she? Oh, it's a woman. Oh my God, how embarrassing is this? See, I think Iggy's the book. You said, it's a she and you went, it's a woman. Oh, my God. How embarrassing is this? See, I think you used the book. You said, it's a she, and you went, it's a woman. Well, I don't know.

I haven't heard of Iggy Azalea. Why not? Sounds like a sort of a 1970s glam rock flower arranger. Oh, it's a woman. God, this is embarrassing. Well, I don't know. We don't play Iggy Azalea, so does she have any true value? No, she's not on the Absolute Radio playlist. I love Iggy Azalea. So does she have any true value? No, she's not on the Absolute Radio playlist.

I love Iggy Azalea. Do you? I believe Robbie Williams played one of the songs when his wife was in labour. Oh. Yeah. Did she do that song? Oh, baby, I love you, I love you.

Oh, baby, come back to my place. Oh, baby, love you, love you. Oh, baby, come back to my place. Was that her? No, because no one did that song. No, I just made that song up. But I bet she's done a song remarkably similar to that. It might have been called Oh, Baby instead of Ooh.

Yeah, that's right. Respect to her, though, whoever she is. Whoever she is. She's got a bit... She's proud of her curves. She's one of those friends. Oh, she's one of those. OK, everyone's doing that now.

In an age when we're trying to encourage the youth away from the obesity crisis. It's not obese. We've got, we've got, um... She just doesn't have a figure like Zola Bard. No. Zola Bard's probably a bit chunky nowadays. That was your dream.

That was Frank's dream woman, Zola Bard. It'd be worth a Google search, wouldn't it, if she is. Zola Bard? Yes. Um, well, a Google search, wouldn't it, if she is? Zola Budd? Yes. Well, yeah, so, carry on. I'm amazed that he knows who Iggy Azalea is, David Cameron. Yeah, I wonder if he did. He didn't, I don't think.

Oh, he didn't? He's like you two. Okay, you two, I've heard of them. So is everyone with a phone these days? Yes. But what do we think is cool? What's coolness? What's coolness? What's coolness all about?

I used to have a little thing in my stand-up where I said... I thought you were like you were setting up a topic, the way you said that. I'm interested in it. I'm interested... Like... Was it a bit like the time and the place? I used to have a thing in my stand-up where I said...

But what is coolness? At 12.15. That you could tell that you're getting older when you stop chasing cool and you start chasing nice. I'm glad you said when you stop chasing cool. You think, oh, I look nice today, that'll do me. There's a point where you don't want to look cool anymore, you're just delighted with nice.

Like, oh, my sweater looks all right. Yeah, I have to say, on one level, I hate cool. But maybe that's just because I'm not cool. I was cool for about four weeks, I would say. When was that? When I won the Perrier Award in 91, and I used to wear a biker

jacket. Well, that doesn't sound very cool. Well, I think I was cool at the time. I was hanging around with someone. Oh, like Shaken Stevens? No, I was hanging out with someone from House of Elliot. What's House of Elliot? What is House of Elliot? Oh, come on. That was my cool summer. But since then...

But, see, I often wonder, do I hate cool because cool is an empty, hollow, weak thing? Or is it because I'm not cool, so I think the way to handle that, you know, is to hate cool? That's this morning's texting. 8.12.15. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. The cockerel's waiting for me to swallow my banana cake before I speak.

I didn't quite manage it. I can see he was enjoying my distress. I'm afraid the pause made me do a massive grin. I thought, how's he going to deal with this? Yes. Frank? We don't have to do that quickly. We've just had this news just in from Miss Birmingham

and other things I didn't think I'd say outside of 1984. We hope to see you, the finals take place at the Mac Burlington Hotel. I don't know if you're familiar with that. On the 15th of March. Beware the Ides of March, I say. It's called Birmingham's McDonald's Burlington. To the contestants in Miss Birmingham yeah there you go well you said

it would be a nice day out yes um I think they might be looking for a celebrity judge that might not say beware the ides of March maybe they want a slightly different casting bracket of celebrity. Keep that in mind. Nylon. What's he called, Nylon? Who's Nylon? Who? Rylon. Oh, Rylan. Nylon. They want Rylan in Nylon.

Nylon. Nylon fits her, doesn't it? Iggy Azalea, who's he? Nylon. Honestly. I saw him when I did my pool test on you. You're listening to Absolute Twenties. I think it's a lovely offer,

but I don't feel I can be a judge on Miss Birmingham. Judge not as you should be judged. After you've said the eyes of March. And I'm worried that there might be a girl come teetering on wearing a skimpy bikini and I might stand up and shout this is Cameron's Britain.

And ruin the whole evening for everyone. But God bless you all. And I hope you have a lovely day, and I hope it's warm for you. I'll be a judge. I'll be the judge of that. That's what I could have said, though. That could have been my response.

Miss Birmingham, I'll be the judge of that. That would have been a great response. But, you know, good luck to them all. Caroline MacDonald has tweeted us to say, I can't stand our bless. And then pretend sympathetic faces. I'm a Catholic. I can see that.

She claims a lot. I once was in a New York hotel, the Royalton. Do you know? No. And I bumped into Gordon Ramsay in the bar. What was that I bumped into? He was sitting down talking to some associates. Associates? Don Corleone?

Was he making a television programme? And I went over and I said, Do you mean some writers? I didn't know him well, but it seemed wrong not to say. So I went over and said hello and how are you doing and glad it's all going. Continued success, I said, I think. And as I walked away, I heard him say,

Oh, bless. That's patronising. I didn't know how to take it, I'll be honest with you. It's left me, when he comes on now, I think... I think that's lovely. It's better than what Dame Judi Dench said about you, which was? I thought this was a place for celebrities. Yeah.

But, you know, she got killed in Skyfall, so here laughs last. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. 451 says Frank Skinner is clearly cool.

We're talking about coolness on Absolute Radio. That's nice, but incorrect. My girlfriend mistook Graham Norton for him last night. Yeah, well, that happens all the time. Watching TV, I should say. That doesn't make me cool, does it? That I look a bit like Graham Norton. Oh, he's pretty cool in my book, in my house.

Oh, thanks. I've got three questions that I'd like to ask you, which I like to think are a sort of test of coolness okay for me i know a little bit more about this subject than the two of yous because your day job in the fashion industry are you cool pretty much okay pretty much yeah no i don't think i am i would say i was cool once i'm less cool now okay but i still have a better handle on these things than you two. For example, I wouldn't say Iggy Azalea who's he? No, I wouldn't say handle.

Unless I was talking about the Messiah. Question one. What would you do with an Aperol? An Aperol? Peel it. Alan? Um, I'd dismantle it. No, you would drink it. Oh, would you?

Why, what is it? It's a drink. Is it alcohol? Yes. Well, then I wouldn't drink it. Wrong. I meant I'd dismantle it by drinking it. Question two.

What do you think about the war on drugs? I am all for it. Alan? It's a band. Yes! but minus marks because you said band oh they're a band they're a rock group yeah i would have said go in the hit parade i think the group's actually better oddly uh question three what do you think about the serial killer in shoreditch Mm-hm. What do you think about the serial killer in Shoreditch? It's a nice pub.

That's what I was going to say. It's actually a nice cafe. Frank, you're very... It is a... It's a serial-based cafe. Is it spelled C-E-R-E-A-T? Yes, yes. Oh, I can't go there. And finally, what's better for the front row,

a block heel or a pool slide? Better for the front row? Yeah. A block heel or a pool slide? Yeah. The front row of a fashion show. Yeah, I'm going to go, I knew that, I knew that. I didn't know that.

It's called- Block heel, I'm going to go block heel. Frank Skinner? No way! Pool slide! Oh, come on, Frank. Because it's like pool side, you see. It's block heel, it's obviously block heel.

That's women in bikinis, so you're pool slide. Oh, God, you're so uncool, man. Both are equally acceptable. Oh, right. Thank God for that. Can I ask you a question? This tests how important you think cool is. Because some people say, I don't care about cool,

but we all care a little bit about it. So here you go. You're on your way to a premiere, a film premiere. Or just a sort of a posh do, okay? Yeah. Where there'll be paparazzi and stuff waiting outside, okay? On your way there, you see Lembe Alpik has fallen off his Segway.

Yes. And he said, oh, I was going to that do. Can you give us a lift? So you know you're going to arrive with Lemby Hopi. Do you leave him on the ground or do you say, yeah, Hopi? No, you leave him. You leave him. Yeah, you leave him there.

I wouldn't leave him on the actual ground. That would be inhumane. No, cut him like dead wood. I would call him a cab. I'd get my driver to go and pick him up. But you wouldn't be prepared to arrive with him, the actual ground. That would be inhumane. No, cut him like dead wood. I would call him a cab. I'd get my driver to go and pick him up. But you wouldn't be prepared to arrive with him, I'd say. Absolutely no way. Okay, fair enough.

He's gone. I understand. I'd emerge from the car like, you know that when the Frankenstein monster comes out holding that young woman? I'd come out like that without a pick. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'd come out like that without a pick. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. If I could jump us back a subject, Frank, to your showering technique, we've had an interested email from Bob. If you're just tuning in, you get wet, switch the water off, soap up, when you're fully soaked, put the water back on, rinse. Yeah. Frank, the method you used is called a ship's shower. Oh, God, I'm really nervous.

Yes. Ship's shower, and it's traditionally used by the Royal Navy on board ship to reduce fresh water usage. Is that right? Isn't it good? I've heard that, that I've accidentally plugged into a naval tradition? I know. And I laughed at you as well. I've offered mine to show you

about my hornpipe. I'm not going to answer. Oh, is it? He adds, sometimes in reduced water situations a leading hand will supervise the ratings, showing to make sure that water is preserved.

Oh, right, so they must be just keeping a... I hadn't even thought about the water-saving element of it. Yeah? Well, we did have somebody else say that they do it in the... Maybe I can do this as a comic relief thing. Somebody else said that they did it in their caravan. Yeah, that's what they said. I don't think that would be an interesting comic relief, if you don't mind me saying. What is it to have me naked?

Watching you showering. Well, you know, some people would like it. The elderly. We've had a text in from Eddie. Oh, yeah? Who begins thus. Hi, Frank M and Lecoq. Morning. I too share Frank's method of showering, and weirdly, it's because of all of you.

I was in the shower listening to the show, but couldn't hear what part of a particular Venn diagram the cockerel was in, so I turned the shower off to listen. It was a sort of idiotic eureka moment, and I've been showering like it ever since. Keep up the adequate work. That's from Eddie.

Nice. That's a weird coincidence. All the coincidences are interweaving into some massive matrix of probability. Indeed. All right, Stephen, I think... I've got a question that would uncover if somebody was uncool, because I think this is a good question as regards uncool.

Have you ever driven for a period of time wearing sunglasses, turned to face your wife, who sees that one lens is completely missing? I'll confess, I have. You have done that? Yeah, I did that. I think I was driving for... Oh, this isn't someone's text.

No, between 30 and 60 minutes, and I turned to Fraser and she went, you know that you've only got one lens in those. I thought I hadn't got a clue. It's odd that you hadn't noticed that. It's very weird. How embarrassing. Was it dark? It was very weird.

No, I wasn't wearing sunglasses in the dark. Sunglasses, of course, is one of the great tests, isn't it? Of coolness. Well, it is on, if you see a young person in sunglasses, you think, oh, you know, cool. But if you see an older person in those reactorite rapids, I think conjunctivitis, which is less cool. I do.

I think cataract operation. Yeah. Yeah. Or I think hip man. More with a particular kind of suit. I think hip man. Yeah, I get a bit spooked by people who wear those kind of... Spooked? The rapids.

Is it Duncan Norvell? Was it Duncan Norvell? Who was the comic that used to go, I was walking down the road the other day. Spooked. He was called Roy... That could be a good text. He used to say, chase me, Duncan Norvell.

Yeah, that's right. It's the same one. It's the same guy. It's the same guy. Frank? Yeah. Yes. There's been some correspondence in, which we might have to return to later, from Miss Birmingham.

Oh, God. It's, um, they're not happy. Oh, dear. Have I upset Miss Birmingham? Well, do you want to know what's happened? No, well, we'd better play some music first. I'll brace myself. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

You may recall we've been caught up in something of a scandal with the Miss Birmingham competition. Yeah, well, they asked me to be a judge. You said. I said judge not. You said. At a survey. At a survey i surveyed i suppose i said but i did i did wish them the best of luck and all that that's nice with it oh yeah they've said

um there's no bikini anything hashtag in the past it's a charity evening for hashtag beauty with a purpose okay now um I think that's fair enough. But more importantly, there's been another... Well, of course, this was just my whole way of finding out if there was a bikini section. Of course there was. Now that there is, I'm not going. Absolute filthy creep.

Well, guess what? I am. Hashtag filthy creep. Yeah. So this invitation, Emily, if you'd like to judge, there's also a Mr Birmingham, and we'd love to have you. I'm there. Are you going to do it? Of course I am.

100%. I'm in. Send me the invitation. Talk to my agent. Birmingham Hilton, I'll see you. I like brackets. Talk to my agent. I would love to judge.

I'd be honoured to judge. Hashtag Mr Birmingham. Are you saying I'll be the judge of that? Yes, I am. Okay. Brilliant. Okay. So I'll report back. I look forward to, I am. Brilliant. OK, so I'll report back.

I look forward to that little report. Not as much as I do. Well, what will they be wearing? Bikinis. I'll report back. OK. OK. Do you think they wear shorts?

I'm guessing chamois leather posing pouch. Maybe just some white shirt cuffs. Do they do that? They don't do that anymore, do they? They don't do that? I don't think so. Oh, OK. We've had a text from Anne-Marie in London.

I don't know if this can be true. Surely not. My husband turned to me in the car after driving and proposed and I answered, you know you only have one lens in your shades. Can that have happened to two people? I suppose so. It's bad luck for him.

It's not from your wife, is it? No. It's bad luck for him on the very day he proposed. But obviously she said yes as they're still together. That's right. And she calls him husband. So she probably thought that made him a bit more lovable. And that's one of the things

she did. It's a guy who needed help and she's the kind of woman who likes to help people through life. She's a handrail. She's a human handrail. Okay. OK. OK. OK, what else? Well, just one quickly. Dancing Robot Music tweeted to say,

asking you two about what's cool was like asking Vladimir and Estragon for directions. Hashtag literary burn. Very good. Bikettian texts. Very good. Eh? Not enough of those.

Are we going to sash out to email corner? I had an email this week from Spotify. Did you? Do you ever get emails from Spotify? I've never had an email from Spotify. Spotify is not that kid at that music fan at school. Hank, you sound more like Spotify. You don't go Spotify.

Oh, sorry. Caravan. Sorry, it doesn't come with a pronunciation guide. Anyway, they do these things where they say, you've been listening to, do you get that? So they say, as you've been listening to The Four, maybe you'd like, and then they recommend a band. And they recommend a carburettor.

Yeah. So I got one. It said, as you've been listening to The Four, you might like a band called Love. As you've been listening to The Kinks, you might like Donovan. And then it said, as you've been listening to George Formby, you might like this.

And they were recommending Rolf Harris' greatest hits. Wow. I thought, update, I think. Update required. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner required Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Why not text us on 12.15? That's not a rhetorical question Why not indeed? Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

You know what? There you go, we're in Email Corner. We haven't been for a couple of weeks. It's been a while, hasn't it? It's a prime shame because I sound one of the sexiest I've ever sounded in that. I would say so. Yeah, well, in certainly top three. And we've got an email here that's actually very much on task

for your subject of annoying phrases. It's, hello, Alan, Emily and Frank. Interesting ordering. Yes. I'm fine with it. I've only just noticed that. I'm not. Let ordering. Yes. I'm fine with it. I've only just noticed that. Let's move on. I'm seeing it like it's like a list of a gig.

You think? And then I'm the headliner. Solid opener, Helen Cochran. I'm doing my Oh No You Don't material. I'm fed up of hearing the phrase, give it up for. This is done in the context of wanting a round of applause on TV programmes and stage shows, etc.

Do you find compares doing the same for you guys? And have you felt like asking the audience what they are happy to give up to see their performers? Whatever happened to give a warm welcome for? Alternatively, what would you rather hear? Regards, Gary699. It's all right if you're introducing dry January. Yeah, give it up for dry January.

Would you ever say that? I think I might have in the moment of panic when I haven't planned, please give a warm welcome. I probably have said give it up for, but only during Lent. That's one of my rules. I don't think I've ever said it. You've never said it? I don't think i've ever said it you've never said i don't think i've ever said that no i suppose what you're asking um to give up is their unappreciativeness so give up your unappreciativeness for yeah in order to welcome yeah i like to appreciate this

ladies and gentlemen set aside your cynicism for 20 minutes so please welcome yeah yeah that would be an odd intro wouldn't it no i think well that's that's i think that's the subtext i was once introduced as um at the jongleurs in batter say that club you love a french and it's uh i was introduced as the comedy king from the old bull ring. Oh, boy. That's good. I think it was Bob Mills. Genial Bob Mills.

As he was always described in Time Out's listing magazine. Is that right? Yeah. When it used to be slightly passive-aggressive. Yeah, when it used to be very PC. Experienced was always the death knell. Mine was comedian Frank Skinner. Wow.

That was all I got. I quite like that. I was happy with that. Yeah, I'd be happy with that. Or the trendy Londoners. Did some of them have a problem with you? They did in those early days, yeah. Because, yeah, it was lots of people shouting about Nicaragua.

And I was shouting about Nicaraguan. Elastic. It was something of a culture clash. What else have we got in the corner? We've got another email. Nobody puts email in the corner. This is from... Oh, no, they do.

This is from a very happy reader, 997. OK. Doesn't he live next door but one to the police station? Yes, I believe so. Dear friends... Practically next door, probably, to the police station. Can we do that again? Yeah.

Live, you say? Yeah. Oh, God. Please bring back idiotic eureka moments to your readers. We sort of did earlier. Yeah, in case you don't know what an idiotic eureka... Because there's new people joining us all the time. It's like we're a boss.

Mm-hm. What we used to have... A boss or a bus? No, he means bus. A bus, an omnibus. B-U-S. Mm-hm. A boss or a boss? No, he means boss. A bus, an omnibus. B-U-S. B-U-S, yes. OK. An idiotic eureka moment is when it takes you a long time

to work out something that lots of people have worked out. The classic example was when Frank saw the BT adverts and only realised that Maury Lipippman's character was called BT because it stood for BT. Somebody else mentioned Sooty and Sweep. Yes, both chimney themed. I still don't really get that. That's not complicated.

Yeah, well, nor am I. Okay. So 997 says... I wouldn't go so far as to say that. Nor would any man who's ever been involved with me. No. I can't get over far as to say that. Nor would any man who's ever been involved with me. No. I can't get over the moment I worked out why Usain Bolt made his signature arm movement, Lightning Bolt, three exclamation marks,

or as we say in the writing business, Screamers. Screamers? That's what you call an exclamation mark, yeah. Oh, the exclamation mark. Also, I heard this week... I don't quite... I didn't know why you did that. No, but you and I had a massive argument about it. Did we?

Yeah. You saying bolt, I told you that, you know he does that arm movement? I think he's reflecting a lightning bolt, and you said that's absolute rubbish. Oh. And you said he's just putting his arms up like that as a gesture of kind of victory. What do you say, Alan? I thought he was sort of putting one arm up as like a hole and his other finger was like the bolt,

like a bolt going in, you know, a bolt, rather than a lightning bolt, like a dead bolt, if you will. Why would he do a dead bolt and not a lightning bolt? Because his name's Bolt. Yeah, so why wouldn't he do a lightning bolt? Much better. Yeah, you're right. It's probably the lightning, looking back on it. It's probably higher percentage.

Why doesn't he pretend he's on a horse, hold a pair of reins, and then suddenly start and then just come racing off. Bolt off, exactly. Yeah, you've got a lot of options with this surname Bolt, hasn't you? Because that's what it's a Robbie Fowler goal celebration. Mo Farah. Mo Farah? Mo Farah! You know when he does Mo Farah?

You know when he does Mo Farah, Farah everybody whatever will That's what the crowd should sing when he comes out. You know when he does, Moe, farrah, farrah, everybody, whatever will be. That's what the crowd should sing when he comes out. You know when he does the so-called Moe bot? Yes. You can picture that image. With the M on the top of his head.

What is that? I think it's an M. Oh, you see, I think it's an enormous heart. I thought it was a heart as well. It's making his whole body an enormous heart. That's what I thought. Saying that he loves the crowd. Oh, no, I just thought it's an enormous heart. I thought it was a heart as well. It's making his whole body an enormous heart. That's what I thought. Saying that he loves the crowd. Oh, no, I just thought it was an M.

Or maybe he's got, like, a big spot right in the middle of his bald head and he's having a go at that. Right in the middle of his bald head, don't like... No, I think he needs to squeeze it with his poor fingers on his side. So his arms are like the aorta and his buttocks represent the left and right ventricles. That's how I saw it. He's a one-man science lesson.

He is. That's what he is. He made for our, for our. He's doing Grey's Anatomy live. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of sort of I'm Spartacus photographs. People tweeting their photographs of them also with the Doctor Who biscuit tins.

Oh, brilliant. That's lovely. Thank you, Nigel. Nigel Andre. And thank you... I can't pronounce your name. Glenellis Hughes. Fabulous. It's hashtag we've got one of them. I think we're also staying in the corner

but you were just talking about Usain Bolt's celebration and Mo Farah's and even as you were saying it it dawned on me

that Mo Farah's surname is Farah. Do you think there's ever a point when he's in the changing rooms and he says has anyone seen my trousers? And they that Mo Farah's surname is Farah. Do you think there's ever a point when he's in the changing rooms and he says, has anyone seen my trousers? And they go, the Farah trousers. You know, Farah trousers.

Yes, I know Farah trousers. Anyway, we've also had a text from... No, no, let's stick with that. No, we've had a text from Simon in Catford. Morning, talking of celebrity signature poses, Robbie Keane used to pretend to shoot an arrow from a bow when he scored. I remember that. Steve laughs Yes. But he adds, he always got it wrong and

let go of both the bow and the arrow. Steve laughs That could have killed him. Which just wouldn't fire anywhere. It'd all fall out of his hands. Quite a flaw. That could have been very dangerous indeed. Gravity would work. I remember Steve Ovette. Do ya? Used to do ILY. Yes, for his wife. Yeah. This'll be good on Absolute 80s, won't it? The Steve O'Vett story.

Yeah, exactly. They had such thin frames, the runners then, didn't they? Well, you know, you don't get many fat runners. Distance runners. No. The sprinters, they go for the upper body. On the subject of um, eureka moments, idiotic eureka moments,

Mary J Blige. Oh. Is that a pun on much obliged? Much obliged. I think you've already wondered this out loud. Yes. And I still don't think it is. Isn't it a big thank you to all her fans?

In the way that Derek Okora says to the world of spirits, if you would flee us now, spirits, we'd be very much obliged. Does the way that Derek Okora says to the world of spirits, if you would flee us now, spirits, we'd be very much obliged. He says we'd be very much obliged to the spirit world. Does he say thank you, driver? To his, what do they call those people that you get in?

The familiar. What's his familiar called, Frank? Is it Joe? Yeah, very good. I think it is Joe. That would have been a good texting. Can you name Derek a call as familiar? Put that in your cryptic crossword. Aye, and pass it.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Would you say Sir Elton John is a friend of the show? I mean, we do talk about him quite a lot. Yeah. He doesn't have his own jingle, does he? Does he not? No.

Surely. He should have by now. Okay. But I was very... Friend of the show. He's cashing in. My little kind of place for the kids. I'll just sit on it.

Thank you. Sorry about that, everyone. Mars ain't the kind of place... Carry on. He's cashing in. He's cashing in. He's cashing in his chips. Turns out he's not got enough money,

so he's doing a bit of an Elvis. He's doing one of those residencies in Vegas. Oh, yeah, he's not got enough money, so he's doing a bit of an Elvis. He's doing one of those residencies in Vegas. Oh, yeah, he's doing Vegas. Have you read? The tickets are going to cost £660. Just wave into Mike Reid. Why not just call it £700 if you're playing with that kind of money?

How much is he going to earn? £7.5 million. That's a house to you. How long... How long's he doing? He's doing 20-something nights, isn't it? Yeah, and he's earning 330,000 per show. Per show?

I mean, to paraphrase an old Arj Barker joke, that is more than I earn in a week. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. 330. Wow. I suppose he's a parent now. He needs of money. That's a lot of money. 330. Wow. I suppose he's a parent now. He needs...

Yes. He's got two, hasn't he? Although I read that he'd actually asked for it all in small denomination coins because he loves the fruit machines. That's why he's doing it. That's in Vegas. He's just going to get it in one massive bucket

and then he's going to spend all night on the fruities. And also those box fresh shell suits. Shell suit and a suit jacket. That soon, that soon. He's a fan of a yoga pant and a suit jacket. I would love to train him. No disrespect, but two kids, I don't know how much furniture he's bringing in.

Mike! I don't know, he might be, you know, he might be a dot-com millionaire for all I know, but I'm just saying... No, but he makes, he's a director, isn't he? I think Elton... I think they're flogging the willing horse. Poor old Elton has to keep getting out there. Is it Red Rum?

24 Nights. Oh, it's like when they make Red Rum do those races and he was past it. 24 Nights, we're in Vegas. That's the song he's written, that's the best he's written. Frank, what about when we went to see him? I still can't believe that. You went to see him? Yeah, Frank and I, Absolute Radio. BC, before Cockrell.

Was it BC? Yes, it was. I think you were too cool, you were an elbow gig or something. He played at a small... I was probably an elbow gig, or I am clued even cooler. What's that place, Daisy, the Union Chapel? Union Chapel, in Islington. Nice, nice place to see.

Beautiful, beautiful place, And he played there. I've played there. Me and Elton are always treading the same boat. You've played there. Yeah, I've played there. Yes. Yeah, but come on. I'm going to take that.

I'll take that, yeah. But fair play. I got 331 grand when I did it. He was knockout. He was knockout. Knockout. He was knockout. Did he have the yoga pants and the suit jacket on,

or was he doing it in full garb? He had what? Was he in full garb? I'll tell you what he had. He had a sort of Versace black frock coat. I'm going to call it frock coat. Yeah. You know, it has the sort of conductor tails on the back.

And then I did notice... Lightning conductor tails. Yeah. It dragged on the road, like those things you see on the back of cars. Obviously. So he's earthed at all times. I was watching an intimate gig with Elton John, so what was I focusing on? The clothes.

So I did notice there was an extra bit of fabric cut around the armpit area, just for stretch. It was a stretchy, gauzy fabric. I was dreaming of a shell suit. I love it when he wears the shell suit. The moment before he came in, there was a bit of silence.

I was waiting for coming from the wings. Were you having a shower? Just the sound of his thighs against each other in his shell suit. You know what I wish he'd had? Like a pool slide. You know the nice shoes you wear around, like the flip-flop around the pool. I would like that. It meant like he'd come in on a slide.

Yeah, like a credit card advert. Like a shoot out of an aeroplane. Come down and shoot straight onto his stool. Brilliant. That would have been the best thing ever. He got very into Crocodile Rock, though. We can't do this, because it's obviously not a visual medium, but Frank does

a very fine impression of Elton singing Crocodile Rock, though. We can't do this because it's obviously not a visual medium, but Frank does a very fine impression of Elton singing Crocodile Rock with a slightly rictus grin. Yeah, he does. Because he really, he was unsure at first when he, and then he got into it. He was, by God's sake. He wasn't unsure, he was angry. Yes, he was angry. Yeah. But, um, but anyway, I mean

that is, that is enormous money he's getting in there. Yeah. But, you know, that's because money he's getting in Vegas. But, you know, that's because people want to pay the tickets to see Elton John. But also, it leaves him free then. I mean, I don't want to tell him how to live his life, but he could do that month in Vegas and then take the rest of the year off if he wanted, probably.

Do you think that's what he'll do? I wonder who did tell him how to live his life. Whoever it was, it was a flamboyant character. him out of Livvy's life. Whoever it was, it was a flamboyant character. Skinner,

Dean and Cochran together in the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had a

little bit of clarity I think possibly. All right Frank Spencer. A little bit of clarity. A little bit of

clarity. You know you said £660 a ticket for Elton John. Yes. 990 is saying, Emily, it'll be a round figure in dollars. $660. £660 is about $1,000. No? Question mark. Okay. Is it?

No, I would say about £850, I'm going. Do you think we're bringing back the feature Al Addy? Welcome to absolute bureau de chauff. Anyway, it's expensive. What's the most you've ever paid to see anyone, Al? I'm guessing around £4. Oh, ouchie, as my daughter would say.

Ouchie. No, I paid over £100 to see Jerry Seinfeld in Canada in 2003. What was that noise? Someone dropped something because they heard Alan had spent £100. Frank punched a table. Yes. Per ticket. I bought two as well. Whoa. Yeah.

I like that Alan thinks it's a rarity to take somebody to a concert. You paid over £100 to see Jerry Seinfeld. Well, at the time, him coming over and doing arena gigs here hadn't really entered the consciousness. And I was thinking, he's on in the city. We're nearing the end of our trip to Canada, and I thought, well, let's just see somebody that I don't have the opportunity to very often, which is very much what people will be thinking

when they see Elton John. They'll be thinking, this might be my last chance. No. They might be. Is it No. They might be. Is it now? They might be. What have you heard? No, they might, though.

Look, how many times is he going to carry on touring? You don't know. I'm with Frank. You don't know where you're going to be. Elton will carry on forever, won't he? Oh, he'll carry on. He'll be doing vomits for us and all sorts. Bernie!

He'll be up there forever. Bernie! But it's also... Do you remember him in Crossroads, Elton John? No. Now, I paid... Why, you've got plenty, honey. That's not the point.

You've got plenty! That's not the point. You've got plenty. I was about to say, you've got plenty of stories of people that you bought tickets for. The accountant at Coop Bank said to him, you've got plenty. Yeah, but you've got to remember that when you get to my level, you resent paying anything to see a kid. Yes.

Because it's a slap in the face not to get a free ticket. When I first joined this show, I said that I'd bought a new suit from a really nice place, and you went, you paid for it? Well, I think I said that as well, in fairness. I think we all said that, darling. It's a lovely suit. Anyway, that's not the point, is it?

I can't join in with this. I haven't paid to go and said that, darling. It's a lovely suit. Anyway, that's not the point, is it? I can't join in with this. I haven't paid to go and see anything ever. I paid 135 quid for a Kate Bush ticket. Well, I paid two... Aladin? No, it's Aladin. Bear with me, 270. Is that right, Aladin?

Yeah, yeah, I was about to do that. Confirmation in. So, yeah, for me and Kath. That's nice that you've now told her what you paid for a birthday present. How romantic. Don't worry, it was on the ticket. What can you do? I don't pay the ticket.

Booking fee. Otherwise she'd have assumed I'd got it free and I can't be having that. I paid £8 for Nick Hayward in about 1985. I honestly think that was the last time I paid for a gig. No, Bobby Brown, 1988. Wow. Last time I paid. a gig. No, Bobby Brown, 1988. Wow. Last time I paid. That's a lovely story.

He'd pay me now. The thing is with Kathy is that she's a mega Kate Bush fan. She'd seen her once, but not performed. She spoke at some fan convention. So it was a big thing for me to get her this. And as I've said to you before, then she got a free ticket for the friends and family the night before, so my big special moment was on the mind.

Oh, wow. But even so, I owed her one because I once took her to see, when we were first dating, I took her to see Madonna. I paid about an hundred quid ticket, second row. We were right there. Might have even been first row. Right there for Madonna. And at the end of it, I said, so where was it?

She said, well, you know, it's all right. I said, well, you're the big fan. She said, I thought you was the fan. I said, no, I thought you... You know those things? I thought it was your mate. I was... Wasn't he with you?

It was that. So we sort of went accidentally to see Madonna. Don't get me wrong. She's, you know, nice. No, she's not nice. She's talented. I don't think anyone would say. Horrible, I believe. No one would say she was nice, but she's talented.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I need to actually touch base with you guys about... I don't know if this is a recent development, and in fact I think I might slightly blame you, Frank Skinner. I have become one of those people that sings in everyday conversations

when someone says a phrase, and I suspect it's Frank's fault. Sorry, you know you say you suspect? It's a hunnit fidee, Frank's fault? Sorry, you know you say you suspect. It's a hunnit fitty, Frank's fault. For example, around the dinner table, my wife said that she was going out tomorrow, the other day, and my son said, you're going out tomorrow? And I said, she would go out tomorrow, but she hasn't got a stitch to wear,

and did the full yodel. Great, great. Again, a seven-year-old looking at me like, I don't get references like this. My son was playing Minecraft and he said, is this the only way in? And I said, the only way is in, baby,

for you and me now. Yowls and the plastic population. How embarrassing. Terrible. But it has taken a new and extremely insensitive low. This will be music to Frank's ears. my wife's phone rang and it was the doctor and she said, oh, they just want to talk to me about my cholesterol and I said, my cholesterol, da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da.

What else could you say? She just looked at me as if this is not appropriate behaviour. Her cholesterol's fine, by the way. you say? She just looked at me as if this is not appropriate behaviour. Cholesterol's fine, by the way. You should have seen the excitement on Frank's face when you started singing My Cholesterol.

I love it. I love it. That is my life. I love it. I take my current one, because I go from one tune to the other. My current one is You Know Crazy Horses by the Osmonds. What do you sing? You know, when it goes That one. But originally it's that.

So anything now that fits into Crazy Horses... Twice during this show we've had references to people. So earlier, in my mind, I was going, Lembit, old pig. And we also... I don't know who mentioned it, but Stephen Hawking. It's very much my current thing at the moment. Frank also is fond of,

I'm afraid we can't reveal any of the names, but if any unsavoury characters are involved in a controversial news incident, Frank likes to incorporate their name into the tune of The Simpsons, don't you, Frank? Yes, that's right. I do. I think it's a way of coping. He'll go,

and then he'll go, Charles Branson. We're allowed to say him. Yeah, he's alright. He's one of the acceptable ones. According to Spotify All the bets are off Say what you like So I do that one

You don't stick with a particular tune You're more versatile It's more if it comes up in conversation If a phrase comes up And also I seem to be doing it predominantly to my family So I'm a bit worried about As a parent, when I say, no, you can't have that,

then going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no limit, which is confusing parenting, isn't it? Because it's no, and then there's no limit. I think it's good for children to have music in their lives. Not from their dad singing stupid stuff, surely. No, I think... I don't... I can't tell you how much I approve. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Just so you know, Dan Butler is confirming Derek Akor is familiar, is called Sam, and he is an Ethiopian character. That's true. Much obliged. That's absolutely true. Well done.

There you go. Yes, of course he's called Sam and he's an Ethiopian character. I knew that. Don't sing about it. Natch. No. Yeah. Al?

I seem to recall around this time last week we were discussing me doing a few little interviews to publicise my forthcoming small tour. I did a couple of the shows last weekend. Saturday night, I did the Lowry Studio Theatre. Lovely. Had a great time. I was going to sing Wigfield when you sung that, and I restrained myself.

Saturday night. That would have been fine in this instance. Really, really enjoyed the gig. And my wife and another couple who we're friends with were there. And I'm going to pat myself on the back comedically. A gentleman got up to go to the toilet, tripped on the stairs and staggered up them. And everyone laughed at him. And I knew that I couldn't move on to the show again straight away.

So I improvised around it until he had visited the bathroom and returned he didn't miss any of the show and i kept them laughing all the way through so that was the end of the show did it it was done good got in touch with my wife afterwards met her we're walking to the car and she said that was really good you know five stars i'd give it five stars i thought that was fantastic we get in the car and she said um yeah you had a really mixed crowd the bloke next to me was asleep all the way through it i thought why have you even brought that up? Why have you told me that? Right, you would go absolutely mental if I said that to you.

So we then met the couple in question. To be fair, I believe I remember reading there was a tsetse fly infestation at the Lowry studio. What does that mean? Tsetse fly carries sleeping sickness. Yeah. Oh, does it? I'm wasting on here.

I'm not up with the flies behaviour jokes. Can I say, that says so much about Frank, that that is his instant reaction is, I'm wasted on here. Not that it didn't work, no one liked it, it wasn't that good a joke, I'm wasted on here. It's a perfectly acceptable joke,

if you've got the reference. That's perfectly acceptable. We drove to meet the couple that had been to the show as well and we met them in the pub for an after show drink. I'm anxious now that one of them's going to say something that's going to upset. Walk in. Honn it, Fiddy. Walk in and the gentleman said, yeah, good show.

Did she tell you about the guy sitting next to her who was fast asleep? I was thinking, what is this? What is wrong with you people? I had a belter. I improvised during the whole trip. A guy tripping up for you. It means nothing. Nothing.

Yeah. He could have been, he could have been dead. It's the part of you. I think he was breathing heavily. I think he was heavily asleep. I would be happier to hear that he was dead than he was sleeping. Oh, definitely, yeah. I imagine the publicity I'd get for that in my career.

It'd be great. Do you hate it when people say you see frank how do you think it went no say that to frank he just hates are you the same don't say anything to me other than that was absolutely brilliant yeah other than that i'm happy to talk about you know big brother i was pleased with five stars but when she said that i thought that was a five star show i was very pleased with it i've only got four and then don't bring that up i don't think you can have a five star show where one guy's asleep next to your wife. That's not great, is it? No.

Depends what you're into. To be frank. Somebody sleeping with your wife while you're on stage. Oh, awful. Anyway, I'm sorry we've ended on a bit of a... I'm sorry, too. It was a good gig. I think the subtext of this is

go and see the cockerel on his tour. Yeah. Keep it light, Walt, which is my new catchphrase. Yes, nice. Anyway, yeah, so thanks for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Get out.