The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Not In My House!

Episode Date: June 27, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by The Cockerel and Isy Suttie and tells them about an episode in which he was 'very brave'. The team discuss Obama and manners, Diddy and kettlebells and Frank has a new opinion on The Queen.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Izzy Sooty is with us this morning. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We have technical problems this morning, so I'm more high energy to compensate. What do you think? I think it's working. Yeah, Licken to me. Licken to me. Licken. Can you send Licken to me if you have any,

if you live near a forest? What is... Oh, like... Some say Licken. No, it's probably not what you say, but I already said Licken, so I'll stop with it as a pronunciation. Why don't you get off my back?

You're having a good time! That's what they want. That's all they want. I say lichen. Yeah, lichen is probably right. Lichen. OK. I mean, that could be today's technical problem, actually.

When you said we've got technical problems, I wasn't anticipating this being it. How would you pronounce lichen lichen? Lichen lichen lichen. What about chicken licking? Chicken Leichen. By the way, don't lick raw chicken if you're at home. Good rule.

Good rule. If they're alive, I think it's all right. Yeah. Yeah, just licking feathers. Yes. Yeah, so is he sooty with us this morning? Good morning, is he? Morning.

It's a sort of, one could say that it's not Saturday, it's Sooty Day. Sooty Day. Okay. That's what you should call your next Saturday show. Okay. Okay? You can have that.

Were you looking forward to doing that joke as much as playing the first record? I've been looking forward to doing that joke since, I'd say Thursday it came to me. If you really want to know. Sooty Day Night Fever. Suttie Day. Suttie Day!

Suttie Day! Suttie Day! Suttie Day! I should have phoned Elton and asked him if he'd do that for me. That would have been good. Yeah, what if, can you imagine how he'd respond? How did you get this number? Something like that.

David! Call the police! No, he might have been all right with it. You know, he's the sort of bloke who might have done it if he'd got him in the right mood. I think out of anyone of his sort of peer group, he'd do it. Not out of anyone.

Some of them haven't worked for 30 years. If I'd said, I'll put you a fiver in a greetings card in the post, like your uncle used to, they'd have gone for it. Anyway, welcome, Izzy. Thank you. You've been on the show before as a guest, I think, in the days before we got bored of guests.

Yeah, I think I've been on here a couple of times. Yes, I think you were with us in our formative very, very early on. Before we got bored of guests. You haven't really, you haven't polished that story up much, have formative Before we got bored of guests You haven't really polished that story up much Have you? Before we got bored of guests I think it was you that got bored of guests

Okay, it was me I think myself and Izzy began our careers on this show as guests I've actually played it down I came to hate guests Is the truth of it When they walked in I just wanted to spit in their faces. Not all guests. That's it.

Okay, that's enough. That'll do. So anyone who was a guest who heard that will think, oh, it's either me or me. That's fine. No, I'm not questioning anyone's individual essence. But just the whole thing of the guest thing, having to ask about their latest product.

You have to watch it or read it, I suppose. Well, let's not go as far as to say that. But there was an element to that, yeah. Anyway, it's gone. Forget about it. 0044 has texted, you could liken it to moss. Liken it? Oh, that's nice.

That's absolutely fabulous. It started with a pun. It started with a pun. I'm enjoying it so far. I don't care about technical problems. Me neither. I should tell you, I'm actually holding two wires together. That's how this show

is going out. And it feels alright. I'm wearing gum boots which I had to put on apparently that's what the man said but it all seems to be working and also my hair now all my grey hair has gone back to it's original colour

I could make a fortune out of this but when I say I could make a fortune out of this what am I pointing at you'll never know you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I went to the Oresteia this week.

Is that the eye doctor? No, it's a Greek tragedy. Oh, is it? In three parts by Aeschylus. It was three hours, 45 minutes. Per part? No, the whole thing. That would be ridiculous.

Yeah. Well, don't say it like that. What? This show's three hours after all. Yeah, but they don't have rock set between all of us. Yeah, we've got advert breaks and all sorts of stuff going on. That's true. Comfort breaks, I'd say. So, I loved it.

It was great. Did you? Yeah. And one of the reasons, I mean, it was brilliant. But also, we've been talking recently, Izzy, about the joy of parking when you get really near to where you want to go, unexpectedly near. And I had an absolute result the other night.

I went, I drove to this theatre and I had an absolute result the other night. I drove to this theatre and I thought, because it might sat nav, it took me actually to the door of the theatre and it was crammed, the road, there wasn't a... You couldn't have put a £5 note between some of the cars. It was like that. And then I turned just down this side road and i found one parking and it was tight i thought i probably can't get in this and this i go in sideways

so i got four roller skates under the wheels no i didn't i actually got into the space and i was so proud and all through the the play every now and again I'd think, I don't know, I can do four and three quarters. My car's nice and snug and safe. Just round the corner. Oh, I felt... The next day, it came up to me a few times. Came back to me.

Oh, nice. I had a little warm glow about that parking. The way I imagine an Oscar winner the next morning lies in bed and thinks, oh, fantastic, I won the Oscar, and goes through the speech. I went through that parking incident. I did the Oresteia at drama school.

Oh, yeah? Which part? The whole thing. No, but which part were you? Oh, right. Just the conclusion. The beginning and the end. Gets a bit waffly in the middle, I've heard. I was

part of the chorus. Oh, okay. That's why you deliberately misunderstood my question. No such thing as small parts, only small players. Stanislavski. Is that what Stanislavski said? Yes, not a lot of Stanislavski quotes on the show. No.

Let's chuck some in. No, that's true. I see that more as Christian O'Connell's domain. Yeah. Excellent. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was hard going. We also had to eat energy bars to get us through it,

because it's long. It is long. I wonder if they did that in the one that you went to see. Well, this was a modern version. But I'd say it was so good, honestly, I didn't mind for a second. Although there was a bloke next to me who... He had an Apple phone.

I hadn't seen one before. Not an Apple phone, an Apple Watch. Oh, right, yeah. And, of course, it's never struck me before, but in the theatre, the Apple watch is a constant temptation because it's just there on your wrist. Oh, yeah. It's like, you know, not putting the lid back on the box of chocolates.

Yeah. So every now and again he'd have a little look and he's... A little play around with his new gadget. Oh. That's going to come to... Oh! That's going to come down. That's better. I've got the wrap the way. Glad you sorted that out. Yeah, thanks, goodness. It'll be a new thing at the theatre when they said no watches.

Believe me, you heard it here first, that the Apple Watch is going to ruin theatre and cinema going for everyone. Congratulations. This is anyone from Apple listening. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. congratulations to anyone from Apple listening absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio here's a quiz question for you

you see Aeschylus who wrote the Horus die how did he die it's a famous it's one of the best comedy deaths of any playwright. Oh. Did he go in for the cheese rolling competition in Gloucester?

I know that. I don't know if they've actually had deaths, have they? They've had some quite serious injuries. Yeah. I've seen that hill. It's a steepie. Is it? Yeah, I was trying to think of the most ridiculous death

I could imagine that would be quite a I don't suppose he travelled to Gloucester that much No, they didn't. He didn't get about much. He didn't get about much I don't know this either Well apparently this is a thing that eagles do. Eagles

they pick up tortoises in their talons. Eagles got talons, you've seen that show. Pick up tortoises in their talons and the tortoise then obviously is in trouble. And then they fly over rocks and drop the tortoise so they shatter and then they're able to... The carapace shatters and they're able to eat the filling.

I don't know if it's technically right to call it the filling on a tortoise. It would make them seem a bit like a Cornish pasty. It would, yeah, but as far as they are to an eagle. Yeah, absolutely. So that's what they do. And an eagle did that, and Aeschylus had a bald head, and he mistook it for a rock. So the eagle, this is like the biggest playwright in ancient Greece,

he sees the bald head, he drops it, and it kills Aeschylus. So he's killed by a falling tortoise. Falling tortoise. I mean, nothing fell in ancient Greece. No. There's no aeroplanes. No skyscrapers. I don't know if you knew that.

No. You didn't have to look up, really. You didn't need to look up for your own personal safety. So you're walking along. His last thought, his last thought, even though he was a great playwright, his last thought was to be, well, what was that?

The eagle, when he realised it was Aeschylus, can you imagine? I bet he thought, I'm getting out of here before anybody gets a good look at me. It's a hit-and-run eagle. Yeah. Hit and fly, I suppose. That would have been a tough identity parade.

Oh, yeah. Eight eagles on a branch. Yeah. People going past. Well, I don't know. It's taller. That one's taller than that one. So it's a great, not that deaths are ever great,

but I mean, that is from a comedy point of view. If you're going to go, have a tortoise dropped on your head by an eagle. That's always been my motto. Yes, it's a good one. I think you can get T-shirts on the internet. Keep calm and have a tortoise dropped on your head by an eagle. Anyway, death of East Colistair. I absolutely...

Shall we go back to your parking stories just to see if we can regain a few listeners? How's your parking, Izzy? Come on, be honest. OK, well, I... It doesn't sound like it's good. Sounds like she's had a breakdown of the thought of it. Come on, be honest. OK, well, I... It doesn't sound like it's good. Sounds like she's had a breakdown of the thought of it.

What I do is, my friend John drew me what to do on a post-it, which I keep in a glove compartment. Hold that, hold that. We've got to make that a teaser. I'm going to play some music and we come back. A post-it in the glove compartment with how to park. Yeah. This is my kind of anecdote.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Izzy. Hmm. Parking. You've got a yellow sticky. Is that right? It's light brown, actually.

Light brown post-it. Do they do light brown post-its? Yep let's not get distracted onto the stationery, you love stationery I do love stationery so let's imagine you're driving down the road, you see a parking can I say this is not, oh girls can't

park, it's I can't park and I meant that clear, so carry on. Okay yeah, I drive down, I see the space park and I make that clear. So, carry on. Okay. Yeah, I drive down, I see the space and I stop and I get the post-it out. There's also an emergency

chocolate bar in the glove compartment. This could be a long park. Yeah. What you need is candle mint cake. Absolutely, because it can take me upwards of 45 minutes. So, I get the post-it out, and my friend John has drawn me some diagrams about, you know, because this is for reverse parking.

Yeah. So he's drawn me, like, steps. Number one, check your mirrors. You know, it's quite long. Yeah. He's written it small. Check your mirrors. Did you do that?

Every man for himself, I always say that. Look after your own car. Really, check your mirrors when you're parking. Well, he knows I'm nervous because I, you know, I passed and I didn't drive for ages. So he thought I'll write everything down in case. So I check the mirrors and everything. And then I go back and then he's drawn me a diagram of turn, you know, turn, full lock.

But I get so mixed up as to what way the wheels are pointing. I know, it's a pain. Yeah, in conjunction with where the steering wheel is. Do you ever get out and have a look? Oh, yes. And I ask passers-by. You see, that is the,

if you don't mind me saying saying and I don't want to be sexist but that's the advantage of being a woman is I just couldn't get out and ask or otherwise I'd have to take my own life whereas I think I know you're playing into their hands a bit but I think people will help you

if I get out and say excuse me can you just could you stand under that yeah come back a bit i i think that they'd be disgusting i think people love it if you didn't know me and you were trying to park your car and you jumped out and said excuse me could you tell me and i just went oh don't worry love and jumped in and just parked it for you and walked off you'd feel you'd not feel good would you no but i wouldn't i i mean i think if i was a man i wouldn't mind because then it'd be parked and that's like i there's a finite amount of times in my life

that I'm going to have to park a car, and that's one ticked off that I didn't have to do. Why don't the homeless do valet parking? That's a good point. That's not a bad idea. I'd be happy to give someone a couple of quid just to park my car for me on the street. You know what?

I'm all right at the parallel parking these days, so if I'm ever down on my uppers I'll consider that. Well if you hang around Crystal Palace, you can just wait for me. But you could just have a valet parking t-shirt on your back, it's better than golf sale.

And then just walk around and people as you're driving down the road you'd sit up bloat and say hop in, and you'd get in the passenger seat, then you'd find the parking the road, you'd sit up bloat and say, Hop in. And he'd get in the passenger seat. Then you'd find the parking space. And then you'd maybe phone a friend or something while he's getting that sorted. Gives you the keys. Off you go.

Two quid. Two quid. I like the fact you've priced it up as well. Well, I mean, if you get any higher than two quid, you might as well go in an NCP where it's much easier to park. Good point. I honestly think that... I might have solved the unemployment problem.

Have we got to the end of your parking technique yet? Well, actually, I think there's... I feel like there's another segment to it. OK, that's great. I love the idea it's gone over three links. There's another person involved who I've not mentioned yet. Oh, all right. OK, we'll be back

after this break. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've been talking about parking and we've had an email from a guy called Ed and it's entitled Car Parking. So obviously I thought, well this will be grist to the mill for the show, won't it?

And I'm not sure if I should read it. He claims that he's not being sexist. That's all I'll say. But he now says, this is his email, Given that women can't walk by a mirror without checking themselves out, why is it that they never, caps, use shop windows as mirrors to help them park? This was a public service announcement and in no way sexist. I'm not sure it was, Ed. Well, the first bit, I think he faltered early on. I don't understand how you use shop windows

to help you park. Well, they're like a big reflection, aren't they? If you're at a parallel park, you can see how close you are to the vehicle behind. I can't remember ever parking outside a shop. I've never parked outside a shop. Oh. No. That's a stupid idea. Sorry, Ed.

People haven't parked near shops. All I need is a ten-foot wing mirror on one side. Don't just tweak that round a bit. So, sorry, Izzy. How far in your method did we get? Well, I was checking the mirrors. I think we're two thirds. Yeah.

But basically, if I'm trying to reverse into a space, we've got a little baby now, my boy, one of us sits in the back with her. So he's in the back with her if I'm driving, my boyfriend is.

He now, because we argue when I'm trying to park, he ducks down and shields his head. As if a turtle's going to drop on him. Yeah, exactly. And he goes, I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to tell you.

And the other day, the neighbour... I'm not going to tell you, what does that mean? Well, it means that normally he goes, turn it, turn it, no, stop, stop, you've gone too far. Oh, so he withdraws his advice? Yeah. Oh, that's... But that's because I get angry

and I say, don't tell me what to do. So we're in a bit of a vicious... But the other day I was on my seventh attempt at reversing into a space next to our house and the neighbour came out and couldn't see Ellis because he was ducked down and said, are you all right? Do you want me to do it for you?

And I said, yes. And then Ellis was like, well, that defeats the point of me ducking down. And then we all sort of laughed. Yeah, but it could have been worse. What if the neighbour had said, you know, I've always loved you? And I see you trying to park every day.

Exactly. Yes. I love you and I can help you. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. We could park together. Oh, no, that would have been so awkward. I mean, would Ellis have come up

or would he just stayed down? I think he would have stayed down. Yes, because it would have been too awkward. You know, I was in a taxi once and it's like a... Oh, stop bragging. Yeah. Money to burn, me. Money to burn.

I was in a... I think it's a big Mercedes, like a new version of the... No, a taxi. No, it's a... Oh, those things, yeah. And the driver said, oh, there's a button that you can press on this. Did he say, oh, at the beginning? Yeah, he said, oh. He things, yeah. And the driver said, oh, there's a button that you can press on this. Did he say, oh, at the beginning? Yeah, he said, oh.

He did, definitely. And there's a button where the wheels turn sideways at the back. And so you can... Did he demonstrate it? Yeah. So it does very, very tight U-turns. Whoa. But surely the technology exists now.

You know you were saying that you tried to get in on yours on four roller skates. Surely the technology exists for you to press a button. I've seen that. I've seen it on YouTube. I've never seen it on the road. I think it's a prototype. Smart car, you can just take them in your arms and place them. That'd be good, wouldn't it?

See, I learned to drive in a Triumph Toledo, and it had a watermark on the back window, and I used to use that. It was great parking. Useful. But, of course, I could never reproduce that mark. Unless you just kept that window and put it in the back of your newer cars. Yeah.

It's still there. That's a thought. I don't know how compatible a Triumph Toledo back window is with a modern vehicle. No, true. If anyone knows the answer to that, you can text us on 812 15. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts and emails that I'd like to bring to your attention. One, I'll tell you his name at the end.

Good morning, guys. You're really confusing me today. You know how you can always hear your name When it's mentioned by someone And you look up to see if it's someone who's wanting you Well for the last 40 minutes You keep saying car parking And I keep thinking you were mentioning me Cheers, Carl Parkin

That can't be right It is His email address is Carl Parkin. Yeah, I think it's legit, unless he's very quick on the old technology and a fraudster. Wow. That's beautiful. There's one about the Toledo.

The Triumph Toledo? Yeah. Fintan says, Toledo rear window not compatible with the newer type cars. Thank you very much. You see, you don't have to Google with our readers. No. They know everything.

I suppose there could be a problem if you were to put it inside another car window and then there was a very hot day, it might create that magnifying glass. But I could, if I... Start searing at your upholstery I don't mind a bit of searing in your community if I could put the mark on it couldn't I if I knew where it was

yeah impossible I was standing waiting for a bus the other day much easier bus driving if you're a passenger and uh and a lady went across the road she was actually i think running for a cab and she fell fell in the road quite hard and quite near me so i thought well you know i have to be chivalrous so i went

over and i grabbed you know grabbed i said you're, you okay? And she went, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. She was very keen to get the cab. And off she went. And a man went past and I I think he was gay. Just because he he said to me very brave, very

helpful. And then he went, very famous. And then off he went. I thought I might use that on a poster absolutely made your day didn't it it did it was lovely it's had everything it's had everything it's a lovely story for pride day isn't it isn't it my friend was on a bus once someone tried to get on without paying and had an argument with the bus driver and got chopped off and then he ran across the road and wrenched a rubbish bin out of the pavement and wrenched a rubbish bin out of the pavement and held it above his head and went, is this what you want?

And then threw the rubbish bin at the bus and all the rubbish went down the bus like confetti. Respect. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Izzy Sooty.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Why do I keep saying that? Why do I keep saying that? Why do I keep saying that? Which bit? Over and over. Which bit? The whole of it?

That emailing, texting thing. It's the top of the hour. It's modern age. People can just do it. It's a radio tradition, isn't it? Okay, okay, I've done it. I've done it! House notices.

You know what we need to speak about is President Obama and his heckle put down. Did you see the thing where a guy shouted at him and Obama went, No, no, no, no, no. I think it was a woman. Oh, it was a transsexual. It was a person, that's right. Yeah, it was a person.

Because he got lucky, didn't he? Because he said, can we get this person? And he didn't say, he didn't go one way or the other. No. Orcs, orcs, hashtag orcs. Such a politician. But as a way of putting them down, going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When you're in my house, that was great.

People really cheered that. Yeah. Wait, I said, when you're eating the hors d'oeuvres and the drinking, and we know that's been happening, right? And he got to put them down just by saying, hang on, this is my house, you can't do that. I know. and he got to put them down just by saying, hang on, this is my house, you can't do that. I know.

I find that at film premieres. If they ask you on the way out what you thought of the film, you've got to say you like it, really. Yes, if you're getting freebies. If you're going to eat the gatto. Is that what you go for, the gatto? The gatto at the first Lord of the Rings. Was there a gatto?

Yeah, there was. I mean, it's a fabulous spread, as you can imagine, but remember the g Rings. Was there a Gatto? Yeah, there was. I mean, it was a fabulous spread, as you can imagine, but I remember the Gatto. What kind of Gatto was it? Can we stop saying Gatto? It's gone really weird. I think it was, as Roald Dahl would say, the BFG. Black Forest Gatto. Black Forest Gatto, yeah.

Yes, I remember thinking, and you know what? I didn't love that film at the time. Right. And I remember I'd said to someone, it was like playing Dungeons & Dragons all night with Enya playing in the background. Yes. But I felt bad because the gato was so good, I thought.

Anyway, the wheel of our price. That's what I'm saying. I think I've extended a couple of relationships by making a nice meal when the relationships were on the rocks. Ah. Giving it another... Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Once me and my ex had a big salad

when things weren't going very well. It was so good, he put raisins in it. Oh, a dying salad had turned me. Pie, maybe. Lemon meringue pie. Some terrible people I've been out with, I would have given them another three months for a lemon meringue pie. Would you three months?

Three months, yeah. I mean, I would have involved some psychological torture in that time. But by way of a reprimand, not with any real cruelty. So we're all different. But Obama's moment for me, the bit that I found,

where I remembered that he's the US president, was when he said, actually, can we... This person, we're going to have to get you taken out. And I thought, well, that could mean a lot coming from the American president. That is not a heckle put down that everyone's got at their disposal. It's quite good to well that could mean a lot coming from the American President. That is not a heckle put down that everyone's got at their disposal isn't it? It's quite good to have that power as a comic. Yeah. The bodyguard saying what are you

here? No not in my house. Not on the carpet. Not in my house. Basically that's why I'm not on Twitter. I don't want to be heckled in my own house. That's a good point. Yes. Yeah.

And he does say... He's on Twitter, isn't he, Obama? I bet he is. He is, yes. You think he's doing it? You think it's him that's doing it? I bet he doesn't. I bet it's vetted before he says it.

It must be, mustn't it? I bet he gets barretted on it. Very good. Eh? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I bet he regularly gets barretted on it.

Yeah. Cool. Yes he regularly gets barracked on it. Yeah. Cool. Yes. That's what happens. He also said, though, shame on you, you shouldn't be doing this. Right. Which I think would actually, ironically, make quite a good heckle. If you were on stage, it's a word, shame on you, you shouldn't be doing this.

That's a pretty good heckle. That's good psychological warfare. When the heckler sort of reasons with you like that. Yes. It's worse. David Baddiel told me about, he'd seen a bloke heckled once at the comedy store. And someone shouted, no one likes you, you know, like at school. Oh.

And there was another very eccentric bloke, I think this was at the comedy store as well, he came and he went, no, I don't know, I can't, he did one of those sort of acts and somebody shouted, sort yourself out! So, I don't know how good he's got it.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. On the subject of being heckled at gigs, we're all stand-ups on the show today, aren't we? Oh, yes. We've all done a fair chunk of stand-up. And I'm assuming that we've... There is a point where an audience will not find you funny

no matter what you say, isn't there? Take that back. There is. There honestly is. There really is. And I once saw a comic who we all know doing an odd gig where I think that point had been reached and he told a really good joke and a few of them laughed in spite of themselves and then stifled that laugh.

Wow. And a member of the audience went, too late. Out loud. And he had to go, yep, it's too late. I could have the best joke in the world right now. And the moment has passed. Wow.

You will not trust me. Well, there was a very... One of the funniest men I've ever known in my life was a man called Roger Mann. Is he before your time? Yeah, I don't know. And he, I saw him, he used to do a thing called the Egg Club and he went on and he did his opening five, ten minutes.

It went really badly. I mean, he just didn't get a laugh. And then the first act went on and they had to pull it round again. Anyway, a bit later in the evening, like beginning of the second half, they'd really warmed to Roger and seen what was funny about him and they were laughing. He was just improvising and stuff and they were really

falling about laughing at him. And he said, oh, you didn't like me at the beginning, did you? But now, and they were all on his side. So he did the material he'd done at the beginning. He did it again and it died again because not only did they not

like it but they'd heard it good for him though it's the American version it would have gone really well yes but I'm afraid no on the last tour I did a bloke heckle me

and I forget what it was. It was something quite unpleasant and sort of out of the blue in a gig that was going, you know, good. And I said to him, my put-down, all the sort of witty and clever, I said, I hate you and everything you stand for. And I thought, you know, I'm not quite the cheeky chappy I used to be. You know what? I've had one of those weeks where gigs have just been a bit odd.

And I did one gig on Thursday nights where there was a table of women drinking and discussing every single joke and having loud personal chats throughout the show. By the time I got on, I had to put them down a couple of times saying, look, you can't talk all the way through it. You can't talk. 45 minutes later, I've lost that charm and I'm just being mean to them. And I came off and they were complaining about me. They were so bad mannered that I had to be bad mannered back- and then they were complaining about me. And I felt slightly guilty and thought, how do people like Katie Hopkins

cope when they are actually just mean to people right at the beginning? I prepared nothing. And it was their fault. Like it was totally their fault. Yes. But I ended up being the baddie in this situation. Can I say we've only got we've only got your side of it. If any of those women are listening, do texting. I don't think they remember where they were on

Thursday to be honest but good luck. Yeah. Oh dear is it like that? Oh, I was horrible to them. I always thought the worst heckle I ever had was getting paid to get off in Edinburgh. Is that right? Yeah, in the Comedy Zone, many years ago. What happened? Somebody offered you money to get off? Yeah, it was like 20 quid.

The cocker would have been off like a shed. Could have been out of his hand. Probably given him a wrist injury. Did you take it? I took it, yeah. I respect. God, you could have got ten homeless people to park your car with that. We were talking about the idea of homeless people doing valet parking, and Daisy, our producer, said,

well, they really know the streets, don't they? But I raise the point that how would you know if they had a valid driving licence? Well, look, they don't have to take it that far. We're not going to be picky about it. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We've had a text that I would like to bring to Izzy's attention. Dear Izzy, I'm a driving instructor and a girl, so shut up, Ed. Yeah, Ed. Ed tried so hard not to be sexist. Give me a call after the show and I can explain properly about reverse parking. I stay in Edinburgh, so if you're up for the festival, I can take you out for a remedial parking lesson if you want.

I love the use of the word remedial. Did she say remedial? Yeah. I mean, actually, she split it into two words, re-medial. That's so nice of her. Nevertheless, it is very nice. That's lovely. I'm not going up to Edinburgh, but maybe I'll take a

I am going up for one night actually to do a radio thing. Maybe I'll try and fit in a radio thing. That would be brilliant. I always like a trip where I've got something professional and something personal to do. It feels like it's got the yin-yang. Well, I interviewed Andrew Lloyd Webber once, and I said, what are you doing next? And he said, you know what?

He said, the thing is, I don't have an idea for my next show. I just don't have any ideas at all. He said, if any of your viewers have any, I'd love to hear from you, in a sort of jokey way. He said, if any of your viewers have any, I'd love to hear from you, in a sort of jokey way. And then I heard from him to say that a woman had said, I thought that they could make a musical out of Wilkie Collins' The Woman in White. So I've written a book for it and stuff.

And, of course, that became quite a big West End musical, and it was through that. So maybe this could change your... This could be as big on the parking front. Wow. And I think this should be sort of a full stop on the parking text. I have got one. Just because of poor Carl parking.

I wouldn't mind getting it just a bit... I'm sticking out of it at the back. I wouldn't mind just having one. I've got one. I think this neatly ties it all up, actually. OK, go on. This is from Phil in Liverpool, and he's talking about the thruie,

which is where you drive around a supermarket car park and see a double space, one that you drive into, and then you do a thruie to the next space, meaning that when you come to leave, you can drive straight out, no reversing at any stage. And he and his girlfriend normally sing thruie, thruie, thruie as they drive in. Very good. Well, now I'm in a position where i can park in the parent toddler section that's made

life a lot easier nice did i tell you i parked in one and a bloke came over and said uh excuse obviously saw this gray hair doddering figure get out and said excuse me but you're supposed to have a child to bark and i had like a thing on the window keeping the sun off him and i drew it back in a fabulous reveal and he went oh okay i thought you're a magic act oh so pleased anyway that's please carl parkin we can stop talking about car parking yes so he can relax now. Just listen. As regards Obama's hecklers, no, no, no, not in my house thing. I do have certain house

rules. What about heckling? Not about heckling, no. God, it's like all bets are off for heckling me in our house. But I'm a stickler for table manners apparently. And so I quite often say to the kids,

can you close your mouth when you've got food in it? Can you, you know, say please and thank you? To the point where my mum bought me a little thing with some mealtime rules on it. And it says, keep your elbows off the table, eat your vegetables, try everything at least once, don't eat with your mouth open, say everything at least once, don't eat with your mouth open, say please and thank you, don't talk with your mouth full, excuse yourself before leaving the table, help with the clearing up, laugh, smile and enjoy being with your

family. And that's up in our house. That's up on the wall? Yeah, it's on the wall. And we abide by it. I mean, except for the elbows thing. I'm not that bothered about that. You're not bothered about the elbow? Well, yeah, you've got to relax on one of them. I don't like the idea of my kid coming to me and saying,

I've become a heroin addict because you told me to try everything at least once. You've got to be careful with your advice. It's tricky business advice. Good point. I'm seeing a different light now. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. light now. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. It seems a shame that my mum bought me

the house rules. Surely I'm the one that... I know. I know the table manners. I thought she might have bought them for you. So you were telling your kids not to do it, but you were doing all that stuff. Wasn't it ironic? Wasn't she taking the... Oh yeah, She's maybe saying, you're such a moaner, Alan, that here's

a little pointing out of your moaning-ness. It's a shame. It's a shame. Unnecessary. Put that up on the wall, Alan. I've often thought that. The thing is I get really angry about is people leaving the bread open. The bread open?

You know, see, open the sliced bread and then leave it open. For me, it's mocking the world's poor. You think so? Yeah, because... What if you stand on a loose jar lid? I don't mind that, because that's slow to go off. But if you leave the bread open, you're going to lose at least a slice, maybe, to staleness.

But if you toast it... What about the inherent danger of picking up something that's got a loose jar lid, and you think, I could drop that, because you haven't fastened it. You haven't securely fastened the jam lid or whatever condiment we're discussing here. Yes. Yeah, I know what you mean. But it's not like bread.

I think it's... I grew up in a house where my dad said if we... We had a coal fire then. If we threw bread on the fire, the devil would come into our house. So you've got a thing about bread being kept safe, haven't you? Well I think we were encouraged to think about those that hadn't got bread. But you can toast that end slice

and then it doesn't matter if it's hard. Yeah, the devil can toast it. Hey, on his eternal griddle. That's what you're thinking. You're thinking of George Foreman there. Oh, yeah, that's George Foreman. Who told me he gets a dollar a machine? Wow.

That's a lot of money, isn't it? Yeah. It is a lot of money. I don't like it when people leave, like, three cornflakes and put it back in the cupboard. Oh, yes. But would you rather... It's people like you that started the national

obesity crisis. What? Because people have to eat eating a bit more than they want, because they're worried that Izzy's going to say, oh, why did you put that back in the cupboard? No, because I suppose you could have half... What I often do is if there's not very much left... If there's slightly too much for a bowl, I'll have half of it and then half of another type of cereal.

Oh. No? No, I can see that. This is one of the things that my son rolls his eyes at, because if he has mixed cereal, I would always say, I never had mixtures. When I was a kid, we never thought of mixing cereals in the same bowl. Never occurred to us. And he'll always go, God, I'm so boring around the house.

You've got to add that to the rules now. It just lures me. No, he's allowed to mix seals. Oh, right, okay. I never thought of it. I don't think we thought of that in the 70s and 80s. I used to do it from a very young age. Did you really? Yeah, but I was very innovative. Different world, innit?

I like it when people sift through the biscuits. You know, people say, have you got anything to eat? And I go, yeah. My friend Dan does it a lot, who Alan knows as well. He is allergic to nuts, so he asks about that. I say, no, they haven't got any nuts. And he lifts the lid off and then he goes, meh. With his hands?

Yeah, sort of sifts through them and then puts it back. See, I had a friend that used to come round on a Sunday and then he would go to the toilet, I mean, to sit down, which, to do that in someone else's house, I was thinking, but he'd take the Sunday paper with him. Oh, goodness.

And when he came back, it was like having a radioactive isotope in the kitchen. We all felt quite bad. Can I say, my doubt about Jean-Paul satire was because they're actually called the Jean-Paul Sartre experience. Oh, so it was, oh, I thought Jean-Paul's satire was a really great pun. Well, it was, but it was Daisy's, not theirs. OK. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radioiding Owl I've been thinking about verbal tics this week because my mum's started doing... Alan, ask me a question, I'm going to demonstrate it. I think that's the best thing to do. How are you doing? Pardon?

I was saying how... Pardon? Is she a little hard of hearing? Well, I now feel bad, like... Because basically this week I've been going, why do you keep saying pardon halfway through the sentence? Is it pardon she's saying? Yeah. Okay, so it's borderline

pudding, what you're saying. Maybe she's asking for pudding. Maybe she is. She is. Do you keep her in a cell where you just pass her food through a letterbox? I just pass her steak. She wants some black fudge scat though. Pudding.

You should extend your relationship with her by making her a nice meal. That's my idea, actually, yes. Lemon rump pie. So she's not hard of hearing. I don't think she is. She says that I mumble. Pardon?

Congratulations. That's very excellent. That was brilliant, Alan. You've peaked. Yeah, I usually... Yeah, the last hour of the show is rubbish for me, but this is 9.45. I hit my zone.

The other thing she does is she... I'll explain to them. She would go over there to get the... Which is a trailer offer. Yeah, she's always done that. She's always done that. I do feel bad because she's doing a lot of childcare for me at the moment. As we speak, she might even be listening.

Well, maybe it's just fatigue. Oh, yeah. Screaming in her ear has made her deaf and she's too tired to finish her own sentence and you're here mocking her. Is that right? I think I trail off my own sentences, but I think it's partly that I get so...

Ronnie Biggs. Ronnie Biggs, of course. Yeah. He didn't finish his sentences. True. I think what happens partly that I get so... Ronnie Biggs, of course. Yeah. He didn't finish his sentences. True. I think what happens is I start a sentence and then about two-thirds of the way through I become overwhelmed with how boring I am

and I just sort of... I just get bored of myself. That's not good, is it? Oh, I love it. You see, I'm exhilarated by my own sentences. I think it's important to finish a sentence. Sort of, yeah, means you're living. But if she's doing all that childcare,

maybe she feels she can get time off for good behaviour. Yeah, I think she probably can. I do feel a bit, but we went to the Isle of Wight recently, not with the baby. To the festival? No, because my uncle lives on the Isle of Wight. Oh, what a great reason to go to the Isle of Wight in summer. I know.

Must have been quite close to the festival as well. They must have been preparing for it. Yeah, and he gives lifts to everyone. He used to drive famous people to their gigs and stuff. What, in a catamaran? Yeah. And it's only just struck me that catamaran is very like Caitlin Moran, the writer. Yes.

Oh, yeah, she must have had that before. I don't know, but what if she hasn't? Do you think? What if she's listening to this singing, Oh, yeah, she must have had that before. I don't know, but what if she hasn't? Do you think? What if she's listening to this thing, oh my God, I never thought of that. Actually, I think she's from Wolverhampton. I think she is, yeah. Well, there's posh people in Wolverhampton.

I mean, they're in cars on their way through. Uh-huh. Nevertheless. Okay. Yeah, we went to the, we were going, we went on the train, and I had a letter to post. And she was doing the trailing off in the middle of sentences thing, and we got on the train, and the ticket inspector started to come down, and she started to shout, Man! Man! Man! Man!

And all the men in the carriage were turning round, because they didn't know which man she meant. Yeah. And he was the last person to look at us, and then he came down, and she went, Is there a post box in and then just stopped talking and it needed the the hub of the sentence that yes that needed the i mean that's yeah that's a crucial element yeah did she was there any idea that she thought there might be one on the train yes absolutely because she used to be an inventor and she would have...

She used to be an inventor? Yeah, when I was growing up. She used to be an inventor? Yeah, when I was growing up. Did she invent the sentence shortener? I remember seeing it advertised on the telly when I was a kid, the Ronco sentence shortener. Why do you finish off?

I like man, man, man. She sounds like an alarm. Is she a feminist alarm? Did she invent that as well? Yes, she did. Brilliant. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've had a text that we could just include the listenership in, the readers.

Hi all, this isn't a heckle, but who is your female presenter today? Her voice sounds familiar, but I can't see her mentioned on the website in any way, shape or form. Oh no, they've said in any way, shape or form. I don't know if that's them... Deliberately winding me up. I think they might be. Bad timing. But it's Izzy Sutty.

What would you be most known for? It's probably the thingy, isn't it? Probably voiceovers of tea bags. Which tea bag is it? Tetley. Oh, OK. Jumping off a bridge in Matlock for a bet. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

That's circa 92. Yeah, I'd say those two things. Yeah? Yeah, I'll peep show you. Yeah, I remember that. Is that what you're known for? Circa 92. Yeah, I'd sell those two things. Peep show? Yeah. Yeah, I'll peep show you. Yeah, I would, you know, put that at second and the bridge first and then the teabags. Well, you put the teabags third. Yeah. Or do you put the milk first?

Yeah. You want to go? Oh, no, God, no. I wonder if anyone puts the sugar first. No one has sugar anymore. No. It's less common for sure. We've got a nice, talking about

mums, we've got a lovely text saying whenever my 75 year old mum takes my frail 95 year old grandma to Tesco's, they often park in the mother and child parking space. That is brilliant. They've been questioned

on many occasions, to which my grandmother always replies, I am the mother and this is my child. That's brilliant. Although they should have a bit, like, they should have a bit next to the parent-toddler bit for senior people, like, you know, old people and their children. They should have, like, 95 and 75s.

I think that brilliant. She probably is toddling a little bit, the 75-year-old. Or the 95. The 95-year-old must be. I thought you were going to say, when they ask your wife for parking there, she says, what? Yeah, or before they've finished the sandwich. Yeah, exactly.

I don't. Pudding? Because they do love pudding, the elderly. They do, yeah. Oh, God, they love pudding. We're teaching our baby. We're going to teach the baby Welsh and English. She's only nine months.

Right. So, Ellis speaks to her in Welsh. Yeah. Ellis is your partner. He's my partner. His first language is Welsh, so he speaks to her in Welsh and I speak to her in English. She's making noises which sound like Welsh now, but I think that's just a challenge. Well, they all do. My stomach makes noises that sound like Welsh.

Yeah, mine too. Yeah? That's funny, actually. I hadn't thought of that. When does the portal open for language? It's not a local pub. When does it open? Is this today's texting? Are we going to get texts from... Yeah, I suppose you're absorbing stuff before you can speak.

You must be, because babies cry in an accent, don't they? Did you know that? Did they? Yeah, yeah. So, like, babies in, I don't know, Russia, would cry in a different way. Ho, ho, toy car. Oh, there you are.

Where is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas in Berlin, they'd be like... Yeah. Is that true, or is that one of your jokes? That's not a joke. Good inverted commas there. No, that is true. Wow, I know people laugh in an accent.

Yeah, there's no reason why... No, that is true. Wow, I know people laugh in an accent. Yeah, there's no reason why... No, they do. I noticed that when I played in Ireland, I played in Belfast, and they go, Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! And then when you go down to Dublin, Ha, ha, ha!

Anyway, this is for any babies listening. Why I cry. I'm upset. Give me milk. Okay, I enjoyed that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Izzy Sooty is here this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't know if you've seen P. Diddy's recent news. Do you mean Diddy? I mean Diddy.

No longer. Has he dropped the P? He's dropped the P, yeah. Oh, I still call him P. Diddy. I think I'm a step behind. What was he, Puff Daddy first? Well, he was Sean Coombs, wasn't he, first? And then he was Puff Daddy and then he became P. Diddy, wasn't he, first? First. And then he was Puff Daddy and then he became P.D.D. He's D.D. and now he's just D.D. Now he's just D.D.

And then he'll be D. D.D. man. Yeah. Yeah. D.D. man? D.D. man. You can't have that. No.

That's taken. Maybe just a did. Yeah. He has attacked, allegedly attacked his son's American football coach with a kettlebell. A kettlebell? Do you know what a kettlebell is, guys? I do know what a kettlebell is. I didn't know. I had to Google it.

That is very familiar with the kettlebell. I know what a kettlebell is. It looks like if Mickey Mouse became a Cyberman. That's what he'd look like. Yeah, it also looks like... Do you remember you brought in your bowling ball bag? Yes. Like a bowling ball with a hand. Yes, do you remember you brought in your bowling ball bag? Yes. Like a bowling ball with a handle.

Yes, I do remember that. If you were to fill that with cement, you could sort of fashion your own kettlebell, couldn't you? Yes, well, it's just a weight, isn't it? I don't know why it has to have a special name. It's a weight with a handle. I think, well, I think they started in Russia and they were called poods. Were they? Yeah, I think so. They were used as weights at, like, the farmer's markets or something like that. Is that the Russian for kettlebell? I think it's something like that.

You know, it might be a certain amount of weight, like you put it on, and that's, you know. A standard, maybe they're a standard weight. Not funny, but good info. Can you pass me the food, comrade? I just want to build up my abdominal muscles. Can you pass me the food, comrade? I just want to build up my abdominal muscles. So are we saying that Didi is a communist? Maybe. It's unlikely.

Can you still be in trouble in America if you're a communist? Oh, I don't know about that. Anyway, so what supposedly happened? So supposedly the coach, who's called Sal, was riding Justin badly on the field. I don't know what that means. It must be a technical term. Like telling him off. Yeah, he was telling Diddy, Diddy's sonny, Siddy.

I tell him, what's he called, Diddy, little Diddy? He's called Justin. Justin Diddy. He's not called Justin Diddy. No,dy? He's called Justin. Justin, oh. Justin Diddy. He's not called Justin Diddy. No, Justin Coombs, surely. Yeah, he's called Justin Coombs. But do you think someone said, one of the dads hit the couch with a kettlebell,

and they said, Diddy? And I said, oh, thanks very much. I'll arrest him immediately. They can be quite heavy, though. I'm assuming that he... What rappers? He didn't, he swung it at him, but it didn't connect. You've got to be careful with the kettlebell swing,

because if you overextend at the end, you can really pop your back out. Is that right? Yeah. Also, if you're hitting the face with it, I imagine. Oof. There could be quite a lot of damage. It's not a good story.

He's got the same problem as me with his name. Like, is he? Like, is like, is he? It's like a question mark. Someone said to me, like, is he a boy or is he a girl when I had short hair? name. Is he? Like, is he? It's like a question mark. So someone said to me, is he a boy or is he a girl when I had short hair? Oh. Did he get... Did he do it? Or if you said I've got... Did he hit him, didn't he?

I've bought a new glove poppy, someone could say, is he sooty? Oh, yeah. That's a double whammy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I haven't bought a glove poppy for ages. Anyway. Oh, actually, that's not true. I bought one relatively a glove pop it for ages oh actually that's not true I bought one relatively recently but not for me

I use it in my car for acknowledging when people let me out and stuff I just have him waving from the steering wheel you always get a little smile always get a little smile I actually met someone who'd worked with Diddy And you always get a little smile. Always get a little smile. Oh, yeah.

I actually met someone who'd worked with Diddy. Oh, yeah. Diddy? Yeah. And it's this songwriter guy, and he didn't... What he said, he didn't sound like the nice... He didn't sound like the brightest man, I'll be honest with you. Didn't he, Diddy? He didn't.

He said he was a bit... He was... He was actually the bloke I was talking to was the bloke who, um, he wrote... He wrote the Birdie song so he'd made an absolute fortune. Oh, yeah. And he said

Diddy was a bit of an idiot. I think his actual phrase was Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dom. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dom. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dom. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dom. Diddy, Diddy, Diddy Dom. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together in The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I must admit, the first thing I thought when it said that P. Diddy may have... Diddy may have attacked him with a kettlebell, was how heavy was the kettlebell? Well, yeah, they come in many sizes. It's varying weights. But apparently the coach defended himself with a nearby resistance band. He just held it up like that and it went boing.

And then Diddy himself fell back onto one of those big Swiss balls and then the coach hit him with a foam roller. It was quite a scene. That would have been your favourite thing ever. Yeah, and then he foot-swept him with a skipping rope that was nearby. He just carries on. Foot-swept him?

Now we're getting to martial arts terminology. It's always within grasp, isn't it? Wow. Isn't this... Oh, this is just men, isn't it? This is why we have wars, because men do things like this. Because the coach, I had a look at a picture of him, he had a very big neck.

He did have a big neck. And that's always a worry, I think. But did he's been arrested for it? I don't like a big neck, man. I don't either. Has he been arrested? Yeah, he was arrested for it. And one of the counts that he was arrested for

was of making a terrorist threat, which seems a strange thing to your son's sports coach. I think he might have said, I'm going to destroy you or something like that. I mean, that sounds like it's just conversation during an argument, isn't it? I don't know. I don't know.

I imagine he's... Yeah. Yeah, got a temper on him. But it's not all bad times. I don't think he's got a tiny temper on him. Tiny temper? No, I don't think so. There's also been a good diddy in the news this week.

There's a chap that was watching a baseball game and holding his child, and he caught a baseball. Can I say, before you tell this story... That's it, I've told it. No, hold on. I was once with my dad in a pub and he had an argument with someone and he said

I'm going to put my fist right through your chest. He said to the bloke. And I felt a bit actually I don't think I did feel ashamed I think I felt sort of proud. That's a good thing, that's like a superhero. Yeah, but he was being

very aggressive and stuff. But I, the truth is, and I'm going to be honest, I was really proud of him because he was being hard and frightening. What was the fight about? And that's why we have wars. Yeah. Oh. What is it with testosterone, is there? I know. What was the fight

about? Can you remember? Oh, it could have been anything. He could have a, he was the classic, He could have a fight in an empty house. No, I don't really have fights. He had an enormous row. I mean, a terrible, terrible row and falling out with my mum because she couldn't remember the name of Mario Lanza, the light opera singer from the 1950s. Had exactly the same row in my house this week.

Yeah, a little bit. So, sorry, I'm sorry I interrupted you, Alan, but I had a terrible flashback. The good dad that courts the baseball whilst holding a child. Wasn't he feeding the child? I think he might have been. I think he might have been feeding the child with a bottle. I haven't seen this incident because, I tell you what,

I've made a new pledge. Oh, yeah? If I put anything on the internet and there's an advert on the front of it, I stop watching it immediately. Really? And at first I was really frustrated at the stuff I was missing, but now I've just got... I remember in the old days you missed everything, basically. And also, a man is bottle feeding a baby at a baseball match and he catches the ball. I can sort of picture that in my mind.

Yeah. So I'm all right with it. But it was, did it look good? It did, but you didn't see the end of it. No. Where he gets confused and he throws back the baby and keeps the ball. It was a strange scene, right? He threw out the baby with the...

With the baseball. Baseball. I can't make that quite work. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We're going down email way. I mean, normally the emails are addressed principally to you, or they might say Frank and the team, or Frank, Alan and Emily.

This one has got a conspiratorial tone, if you will. It says, Hi, Alan. My wife asked me to contact you to tell Frank Skinner that he is wrong about fainting being a myth because she herself fainted for the first time last night. Can I just stop you there? Is he

ever fainted? No, I felt faint. Exactly. Is that your witness? However, as I was asleep, I didn't witness the incident and so I don't know what to believe. Hold on a minute. So he was asleep? Yeah. So they'd and so i don't know what to believe hold on a minute so he was asleep yeah so they'd gone to bed they'd gone to bed at late at night yeah she's um what's

happened is she's fallen asleep yeah she's fainted did she say oh god how long was i out about eight hours yeah you actually got up twice to go to the toilet. That's not fainting, that's sleeping. Well, he doesn't know who to believe. Also, despite being more than frowned upon, I just wanted to say I love the show. A nice weekly slice of the UK for a Brazil

bound expat. And tell Frank if he thinks there are a lot of people who can't walk straight in England, he should Can I say that in case this sounds like I've been mocking the disabled? I, when I walk down the street, Izzy, I find that people, there are some people who walk in front of you, and instead of just walking in a straight line so you can go around them, and often they've got a couple of bags or stuff, and they move, and you just can't get past... They move from side to side.

Yeah, and you can't get past them. It's like someone drove like that. They need indicators, these people. Yes, they do. I sighed. It's because they're on their phones a lot of the time, isn't it? They're sort of wandering. I think their mind is wandering, so does their body.

The mind follows the body, the body follows the mind. Is that right? Who said that? I don't know. Did you make that up? I think an exercise coach says it on a YouTube video that I've seen. Oh, OK. That's really good.

Yeah, excellent work. I accidentally sighed into a man's ear yesterday. Sighed? Yeah, in Houston. I mean, he was walking right in front of me and then just stopped dead and I went... Because he'd stopped dead, it was right in his ear. Oh, dear. He might have thought it was hot breath. I don't know.

I'll tell you what I've developed. This is a thing my dad used to do. I haven't been punching my fist through people's chests. But he was very big on totting. Oh, really? And I've started doing it. And I mean, I do it exactly in situations like... And you can't stop when it's very...

People really don't like it. I imagine once... Yeah. The thing that annoys me the most is when people don't hold doors open. I don't mean because I'm a woman. I mean, you know, if you're about to go through a door and someone... You'd expect them to hold it open, wouldn't you? I can live with that. What I can't live with is when I hold it open for them

and they don't say thank you. Right. I can't resist but go... Now, what I always do is I say, don't mention it. Oh, you didn't. I go, thank you. There you go. I've gone into some quite tense conversations, is the strength of that.

But you know what? I'd rather be bashed down in the street. Would you? The next thing is I want to adopt my mother's habit of seeing friends across the road and going, woo! Why did she do that? She did that her whole life. Everybody, woo!

Nice. What kind of a call is that? Fun. Did I mention she was an owl, my mother? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were actually still in the middle of that email, actually.

Oh, sorry, did I interrupt? I said actually a lot there. He was saying that you frown upon people walking in a wavy line here in the UK. He says you should see Brazil. A straight-walking pedestrian is a rarity. Lots and lots of lurching, stopping and sideways stumbling

at all hours of the day and night. That's the Lambada. Yeah. Mistake he's made. He's walked into a Lambada procession. Do you think that's what it is? It sounds a bit like the Lambada. I love the idea that everyone's doing the Lambada the whole time there.

Don't you get that feeling about Brazil, that it's constant party time? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't actually associate... God, they're like a high gossip. Do they? First dancers. Oh, dear.

Do they really? In that heat. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The only good note is that they don't often mind collisions. I suppose they are used to them That's because it's a party It's a constant party there

I don't associate the Brazilian with the wavy line You don't associate them with partying? I do associate them with partying Oh I see where you're Yes I'm On the wavy line Straight lines Anyway

You have a Brazilian theme in your fitness. Yeah, I love Zumba. See, I've never heard of Zumba before. I've not heard. I know what Zumba is. It's a dancey fitness class, isn't it? Yeah. Is it one of those that's a bit like dancing, a bit like fighting?

That's capoeira. Yeah, that's capoeira. How many Brazilian dances are there? Loads. Nine? I think there's loads. It sounds like the pedestrians are doing them, to be honest. There's such a good atmosphere at Zumba, though.

I mostly go for the vibes. The vibes? Yeah. Yeah. But I did actually try and drive to Zumba in Annalie the other day and couldn't park and just carried on driving. Just went home. Yeah.

You probably lost more calories through stress... Yes. ...in doing that than you did. That's definitely true. Zumba career's been really affected by the parking, hasn't it? Did I tell you the... I must have told you this before, that someone told me the way to learn the lambada

is imagine you've got a pencil up your bottom, pointing out, and that you're drawing a figure eight. Oh, yeah. And that gives you those wiggles. Try it out. There are people at home now trying that absolutely definitely. I'm doing it. There you go. Oh, can you stop doing it?

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio We've discussed receiving gifts many times on this show But the Queen has had a spectacular gaffe of receiving gifts She's got a spectacular gaffe of receiving a gift. She's got a spectacular gaffe. She has, she has. See, I've driven past it many times. Queen baffled by portrait gift is how Newspaper covered it. Oh, this story. It's a painting of her as a child on a horse.

With her father. Was it a father or grandfather? No, it's a father that's leading it. Yeah, yeah. But she was given the horse by her grandfather. Was it a father or grandfather? No, it's a father that's leading it. Yeah, yeah. But she was given the horse by her grandfather. Okay. I had a strange thing reading this story. She was given the horse, aged four years old,

and she, I mean, I know, like, deep down, I know that the Queen was once a child, but then I read this and thought, she was given a horse aged four. That's quite a big gift. And then I had this and thought, she was given a horse aged four. That's quite a big gift. And then I had this realisation of, wow, I think the Queen might have been spoiled. Like as a kid. Yeah, I thought it's possible.

Yeah, she must have had a lot of stuff. I mean, what's a horse? What's that any modern money? My daughter's just turned four. I did not spend that much, that's for sure. No, well, that doesn't surprise me. My daughter's just turned four. I did not spend that much. No, that doesn't surprise me. We've got her toys, mainly toys.

Some clothes, that sort of stuff. But I think the reason she doesn't like that picture is because the horse is blue. Yeah. So what? But it does look... I mean, if you look at the picture, it does look a bit weird. Yeah, to quote Her Majesty, that's a funny colour for a horse.

Yeah, if I'd have been the German whatever he was, who was he, the bloke? He wasn't the Chancellor. He wasn't. I think he was the President. He's the one on the angle. German's President. It's a circle on the angle.

It's a bit on the angle, in my opinion. When she said that, she said it in a real funny colour for a horse. To me, I've always had a soft spot for the Queen, as you know. To me, I'm finished with the Queen now. Oh, really? To me, that is like, that's up there with English football fans wrecking towns and stuff. You think?

That sort of deliberate celebration of ignorance that you normally associate with, that's the way it's Essex, coming from the Queen. You know, it's a bit of an arty, funny colour for a horse. I think she could have meant it as a kind of backhanded compliment. No. I don't think that. Definitely. I honestly thought it was a terrible terrible moment oh if i'd have been the you know i said i don't start with your i know about horses

rubbish well it says in the paper that's a funny color for a horse said the queen who probably knows as much about equine matters as anyone alive which I think might be overstating it. I don't think she's a scientist. Doesn't know as much about art. No, I do feel sorry for the artist because that's a big gig, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Some woman painted that for the Queen. A picture of her and her dad, a lovely thing

and then the Queen basically has a girl. Yeah, because didn't she also say something like, is that supposed to be my dad? Not supposed to be my father, is it? Oh yeah, not dad. And the Duke says, do you recognise him? And she says, no. But it could have been much worse, because I read the artist interviewed,

and she said, I was looking on the internet for photographs. So imagine if she'd picked a different one, there's some really inappropriate photographs that she could have painted for the Queen. So I suppose a horse with her on it was, you know, at the right end of the photography spectrum. I just think it's rude. Deliberately lowbrow. It's the worst thing that's ever happened.

The Queen or the painting? The Queen. Oh, right. Don't mention the Queen to me. Oh, she doesn't mind a blood-covered stag being the wrong colour. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Good luck to everyone, by the way, who's down in London for Pride today.

Although it's done us out of our brunch. Yes. Because we go to, can you call it, is it all right to say a gay restaurant? I think you have in the past, I want to see why that should change. And every Pride I know I say this, but I don't allow the team to eat there, because I don't think a straight person should take a seat there. I think we should, it's their day, it's not our day.

So we give them a bit of room. Yeah. Come on, that's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And is it still, can I ask a question? Is it still called Gay Pride? Because people only seem to call it Pride now. I think it's just called Pride now, isn't it?

Oh, it's like Diddy. People are dropping, people's names are coming off. It's like an overloaded cart going over a hill. Diddy's dropped the P and Pride has dropped the gay. Yeah. What's the world coming to? I've been thinking about how the Queen could have said that stuff and not been meaning to be horrible.

How? Well, you know, she could have a bad day. She could be a bit hungry. I'm sorry? Yeah, you know when you're at a wedding and you're hungry and you can be a bit gnarky? She could be hangry. Hangry, eh?

Yeah. Yes, but, you know, we pay her a lot of money not to be gnarky. You do. I do, I pay her a fortune not to be gnarky. And that's her job, being nice. That's a full-time job. The perks are all right, aren't they? The perks are okay.

She's a human, but that's her job. If her job was, you know, carrying coal, you'd expect her to carry coal. She got a horse when she was four. What are you doing? That's pretty spoiled. These are two people who've had the best education you can probably have.

And they are... It's that thing about, oh, art, unless it's absolutely straightforward. If it's a slightly sort of int of modern art, we should all condemn that. And it makes it like we're not being fooled by this the way some people are. I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

Are you? You have to do this now as dark as hair. Who was the devil's advocate on Radio 4? You all right with the accent? No. Good luck. It was a painting from a photograph. There's no real excuse for getting the colour wrong on a painting from a photograph. Don't opt out. for getting the colour wrong on a painting from a photograph. Because then you may as well have just handed her the

photo. Like, oh, this is obviously better than the... Well, I just printed it off from the internet. Yeah. I've told this before, but I'm going to tell it because I think Izzy will understand where I'm coming from. I once saw a naked bike ride

go over Waterloo Bridge and it was a lot of completely naked people on bikes and they were protesting about, I don't know what it was, but it was really, they were all in very good spirited and, you know, Tex got to cycle naked

for all sorts of reasons. And there was a guy who had like a couple of kids with him who really looked like Mr. Normal Man and he said, Weirdos. guy who had like a couple of kids with him who really looked like Mr Normal Man. And he said, weirdos. And that is what the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh

were doing. They said anything that isn't absolutely normal and traditional is rubbish. Of course the woman, she did employ a bloke to get her art for her. The Queen. Did she? Sir Anthony Blunt turned out to be a communist spy. Is that right?

Yeah. Oh. I think she should stay away from art. But I'll tell you what, I don't know if Sir Anthony Blunt is listening this morning, but if he's out there... I think he's dead, actually. I'm afraid Putin's PRS will be going up today.

Yeah, three times he's used that. Yeah, but, you know, it gets better. OK, so thank you so much for listening today. Thank you, Izzy, for joining us. It's been a joy. I had about ten cups of caffeine in three hours. Fantastic. No tea joining us, it's been a joy. I've had such a good time, I've had about ten cups of caffeine in three hours. Fantastic, no tea in it just pure caffeine she drinks that's what they like up north

and can I say please, please, please I advise you at 12.30am which is officially Sunday morning to watch England play Canada in the World Cup, it's a quarter final and you know it's a good time to rally together that's the in the World Cup. It's a quarterfinal. And, you know, it's a good time to rally together.

That's the Women's World Cup. Thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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