The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Novelisation

Episode Date: May 7, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Alun and Emily. This week they discuss Frank's trip to a Jazz festival, Lineker and pants gate and the Obama's dancing.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Kicking off the show here on Absolute Radio. That number again? 3594011. No, make that up. That's not our number. Don't call that. That's just a number. It's 81215. I feel sorry for 3594011 now. No, don't say it again. You've said it again.

Well, you said it first If you want to text us on the Frank Skinner show as it's called, we're on 8-12-15 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio Email the show via the Absolute Radio website This morning I am with Emily Dean Well, she's all you'd ever want

She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to dinner. Alan Cochran. I'm with Alan Cochran. Everybody wants a couple of fools. And I am Frank Skinner. Oh, oh, oh. He's the loneliest

man in the world. Anyway, here we all are together. What a lovely intro. I enjoyed that immensely. I enjoyed that almost as much as the first word on the show being boo-de-ful, which is how you started to do it. He may be dead, Bernard Matthews,

but his catchphrase lives on. The way catchphrases often outlive their owners. I don't think there's any may about it. Yes, he may be dead. Well, I don't think there's any may about it yes you know well i don't know i i have him in the elvis category he's been seen at a few places it's a question mark oh can i just say i invited frank to a screening of an elvis film lovely film coming up elvis when elvis met nixon cc's your pa uh sent it to you nothing didn't hear a word i said oh would you like to go and see this i thought that was a i thought it was a text to um an email to uh my girlfriend the best place to wear this is on the radio definitely guys

that's stinging i'll take it up with your pa how dare you. Well, I'm sorry about that. I apologise formally in public. Thank you. I've got no admin problems to bring up. OK. That I can think of.

Glad to hear that. I sent Daisy another frog picture. A frog update. You know my frog monster from last week? Oh, I sent Daisy another frog picture. Eh? A frog update. You know my frog monster from last week? Oh, yeah. Well, it's... Kath drained its pool. Oh, did she?

With a syringe, or... Like, was this... No, she just put a hole through the bottom of it. Right. And now it's sort of more exposed. So I'll get someone to post that. Then if there's any more room... Yeah.

Whatever. What would be... Amphithologists? Yeah. I'll get someone to post that, then if there's any more, whatever. What would it be, amphithologists? Yeah. I don't know if there's such a word as that. No. But if anyone else can tell us what this mysterious thing has happened, that'd be lovely. I went to a garden party.

Come on! No. I went to an, I. Come on! No. I went to an... I'm calling it an exhibition, although I believe it's officially termed a display. The lady at the museum told me because it's not big enough for an exhibition. Of target book covers. Oh, yeah.

Target books. Now, here's something. I know one of the things I'm always doing in my later life is saying, do they still blah, blah? Yes. But Target books, what they brought out was a series of Doctor Who novelisations. Ah.

So you'd watch... Let me at them. So you'd watch a story. Please. So you'd watch a story and then, you know, you could read at some point in the future the novelisation of it. There used to be a lot of that about. Yes.

Do people still... I remember that, Frank, because I had it with Grease, the movie. Oh, yeah. And then there was a novelisation of it. And I loved that. But could I read Broadchurch, for example? Could I go into a bookshop and get the novelisation of Broadchurch? Oh yes, I'm sure you'd be able to now.

In the modern world I think that the answer's yes to almost everything you can say. I think they've died out. I honestly think that there are no more novelisations. I can't remember seeing any about. It's the end of times. It is. If there's no novelisations what's the end of times. It is. If there's no novelisations,

what's the point of carrying on? You know what I blame? I blame the Netflix and all that stuff. Because what you used to do, you used to miss an episode of Doctor Who and think, oh, I'll have to read the novelisation because there's no way I've ever seen it. Oh, you could never catch it again.

I miss missing things. Do you? Mid-life more. Locker, you don't present it again. I miss missing things. Do you? Mid-life more. Lucky you don't present a show about catch-up TV then, isn't it? Tis really, that's the worst thing I could do. Me and Kath used to... OK, let's leave it there.

Yeah, but we don't anymore. Now, we used to read to each other quite a lot. Yeah. Do you ever do that, Al? No. I mean, I read to my children. I remember you told us that you'd read The Dan Brown. Yeah. To each other.

That's it. I like it's called The Dan Brown. I momentarily forgot what it was called. The Da Vinci Code, yes. Yeah, I don't want anyone to think we read another Dan Brown, other than his best work. Yeah, we did that a lot. I remember once

I had a real sulk. We'd had an argument about something and afterwards we read to each other and I was so sulky and upset I deliberately didn't listen to her reading. I just let her read into the ether which i thought was fair but that um that brought me to have i ever told you about my grapes of

roth dilemma oh not on air i thought you got them seen too somebody said to me um that's why i'm on this cushion somebody you'd have respect for that. Somebody said to me, have you read The Grapes of Roth? Okay, which is a straightforward question. Of course. And I hadn't, but I had listened to the audiobook. And I said, yes. Oh.

Because I had. It had been read to me. And, God, it so nagged at me interesting moral poser yeah i mean i still think about it now i shouldn't have said that i should have qualified it i was trying to save time but you know don't save time and lose morality that's my tip for the morning absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we've heard from the outside world, haven't we? We have.

It's about Target Books. Oh, yeah. In 2016. Well, they are. Some of them have been reissued recently, so... Well, Duncan Steele says, I still have all of my Target Books. As a child, I could spot a Target logo on a book spine in a shop at 100 yards.

I know what he means, but Duncan Steele surely should have had a series of books about his own adventures in fighting crime. Just on the wrong side of the law, Duncan Steele. I should say that this exhibition, by the way, I would recommend. It's at the Cartoon Museum. Oh. Which is near the British Museum. Oh. And it's the original's near the British Museum. Oh.

And it's the original art from the covers. I thought you said cartoon. I didn't go all the way to cartoon. That's a fact book of flight. Yeah, so it's the beautiful art from the covers.

Monica has also tweeted us to come home. Oh, I love that name. I've always loved that name. I love it because my dad had a sister called Monica and he always used to say our Monica.

As in our Monica. And as a child, I used to say, Ah, Monica. As in, Ah, Monica. And as a child, I used to think, Ah, Monica. And then he would knock me to the ground. We didn't know then, you see. Monica, with a K, says, Broadchurch novels do exist. There are also official short stories. You are kidding me.

You are Catherine Kid kidson to each of the series two episodes well we know series two is obviously the biggest stories to each individual episode oh that'll be an online thing oh what like fan fiction fan fiction that'll be i don't think it'll be fan fiction you don't think so she sounds like she's credible this woman because of the k you're thinking you think you thinking East European common sense. Maybe I am. Stereotyping it. It's very worst. Or best.

We're in a liberal society now. So did I do a bad thing when I said I'd read The Grapes of Wrath? No. I think you had a red in inverted commas. But I don't know if I... I didn't say, yes, I yes i have read i think on the scale of things it's still above somewhat above when someone says have you read a book and you've just seen the film because the audiobook at least you've you've listened to what was written i

definitely wouldn't do that although in the past i don't know why but a regular lie of mine would someone i love this section of the show. Someone would say, have you seen, and then it would be a film. And I'd say, yeah, I have, yeah. Did you? I have seen that. And I hadn't seen it at all. Why did you lie?

I don't know. And I saw a Canadian comic called Norm Macdonald who did a routine about exactly that. So it's not, it wasn't, it made me feel good that it wasn't just me. But yeah, I used to, used to claim. I think if the film's big enough, lie big, as we know, and I used to say I'd seen

Ghostbusters, I've never seen it, still haven't. Well now I say no. I've seen Ghostbusters. Oh come on, look at me. Oh but it's good. How am I going to see that? The window's past darling. It's in Ghostbusters. Oh, come on, look at me. Oh, but it's good. I'm not going to see that. It is good. The window's passed, darling. Oh, no, it's...

Well, just have a look at my picture of the frog. You've more or less seen the whole film. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text, Frank, that I think may steer the show in a much different direction from any of us had anticipated. Is it a death threat? No, it's...

I don't read those ones out, I just ignore them. Frog news! Hi, Frank and team. I was sat in the garden last night and found my dog crunching on something he'd found in the garden. It turned out to be an old, dead, dried-out frog. He loved it. Somehow need to get him more., dead, dried-out frog. He loved it. Somehow need to get him more.

Maybe your listeners can send them in. Just a thought. You can probably buy them. There's a lot of admin attached to that, and I'm not up for it. I don't know if you two are. Like, distribution of dried-out frogs? Well, it's the sort of thing I bet you might do.

That's not going to be at Heston. You know those sort of herbal cure shops? That's the sort of thing you'd buy, powdered frog. Yes, yes. And then, like the powdered frog, then you could make it, do it with milk for him, like Nesquik. Like a little brew. Frog-flavoured Nesquik, never caught on.

Like a protein shake that somebody would have after the gym. Yeah. You know when you work with people now and they arrive with like a Tupperware container with something disgusting in it. Do you do that? Yeah, yeah. I terminate those people's contracts immediately. I do. I can't bear it. Don't turn up a Tupperware. I've not been eating enough. I've not been eating enough. You've honestly got a Tupperware container. Yeah.

Trying to turn himself into a killing machine, that's all. Honestly thought this morning when you played Emily's jingle music... I love my jingle, can I say. My jingle's immense. I thought I might get my cockerel sound again that's gone by the wayside. The whole idea is it's a new... I like the new ones. New dawn. Yeah, I've pressed update on those.

I wonder if we could bring out a novelisation of this show every week. Oh, man, now you're talking. Oh, I'd love that. That's what it's called, Now You're Talking. Monica. Cockerel looked anxious. Well, actually, he said, I arrive with a tub of air contained. There was an eerie silence.

Another one. But then we're used to that. Monica has been back in touch. Ah, Monica with a K. Becoming something of a friend of the show. Good. I don't trust audiobooks. What? She says with her customary Eastern European frankness. Yes, I don't

trust them. What if they skip bits? You can never be sure. No, no, but it says on a bridge. They couldn't trust them. What if they skip bits? You can never be sure. No, no, but it says on a bridge. They couldn't put on a bridge if it was a bridge. She says you can never be sure. That wouldn't be worth it. That'd be the end of their business

if they did that. What about that time I'm with Monica on this. Two years in a row I bought a diary that had days missing. That's because it was in the 99p store.

79 pens they were. Really? Days missing? They had days missing. They were great. I had the week off. I didn't put any gigs in but that's not the point,

is it? It's odd because in the 80s I had complete diaries. I've had many, many days missing in my actual life. So it's, you know, you're better off this way, right? That's poor in a diary.

Yeah, yeah. There's certain expectations. You don't expect to buy an abridged diary, do you? The publishers have done it for you maybe the winter i wouldn't mind losing a week or so you know the over judicious edit of the diary frank still uses an old diary he loves nothing better than using an old diary for a notebook indeed you had a let's 2007 for some years. But what's great, I still use that.

What's great about it, you're scribbling. You turn a page to continue your scribbling and it says something like, take the dog out. It's got a little note from 2007 to remind me. I love that. That's my only real connection with the past. Yes, I've got old. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've got this news just in from one of our readers, Suzanne Hutchinson. Long-time listener. Hutch, I call her. Having to finally give in and add frank and alan to my odd celebrity crush list just lovely that's fine that's actually happened this morning yeah that moment she's gone oh that's it i've had enough i think it was the kung fu fighting thing do you think yeah i don't

know i don't know if my lonely loneliest man the world helped much. Maybe she thought she's in with a shout. Yeah, could do with the company. I think it gives you a quite erotic melancholia. I'm worried about how many dead people are on my celebrity crush list. They're all people who played sexy women in Flash Gordon. Sci-fi. But that's much nicer for Kath. I think there should be a rule in relationships that everyone you fancy should be dead.

I sometimes feel a bit guilty about fancying the dead. It's slightly disrespectful. Yeah. Yeah. Can I just say when I'm no longer here, please fancy me. Okay. You don't when I'm alive, but you know. No, but you know, I was saying I was talking to Daisy about this, our producer, that you get to a stage

with people where they're so far into the friends lane that you can't they can't change lanes yeah I know there'll be people listening saying well I know I had this friend for ages

and then one night we had a couple of drinks you know what happened but I don't want to hear about it so don't text us in about that no I went to a I went to a jazz festival this week. Oh, I'm sorry.

You get about, don't you? What shall we talk about now? You get about. Do you know, I know this because I called Kath and she picked up the phone and I thought, where the hell is she? And the music sounded like it was a 70s shopping mall or something. Yes, well, that particular... The trouble is with jazz, it's quite...

Lots of different types, and a great part of it is, I mean, beyond awful. She said, where are you? She said it was a jazz festival. It was an absolute nightmare. Well, it was that sort of 70s... You know, when you used to get, like, jazz, which sort of funky jazz Maravishnu orchestra type stuff. And that is pretty bad. I like the sort...

This is my kind of... This is the kind of jazz that when I hear it, it just makes me feel buoyant. Oh! Come on, that... Doesn't that make you happy? Is that jazz? It does make me happy. Sounds like a Mickey Mouse film. I wish we'd wiped the dust off the needle, but other than that, it made me happy.

Oh, yeah, well, no-one's said that to me since the 80s. Do you know what that sounds like? Mickey Mouse feet George Formby. That's really my dream combo. One of the earliest collaborations that recorded music. That's Tiger Rag by the Right Noble Orchestra, if you will.

But doesn't it just make you feel happy? Your little face made me happy during it. Well, there you go. That makes me feel like doing a black bottom. It's a dance. It's a dance. Don't look at me like that. Don't you trust me?

If I was Tiger Woods or Tiger Drew Honey, I'm just going to carry on. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin on. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So what I was saying with Tiger Rag by the

Ray Noble Orchestra. You remember Tiger Rag? Yeah. Come on! I don't want them dancing at home. The people who are listening on FM in Birmingham. Dance! Oh, you've stood on the dog's bowl.

If I was, as I was saying, if I was Tiger Woods or woods or tiger drew honey that would be my um car horn sound what it because i have you never thought that the car the car horn manufacturer people yeah i've been very very slow on exploiting the you know the way the ringtone thing has gone through the ceiling? Oh, yeah, yeah. You can commercially sell ringtones, and people make... You know, there's probably ringtone millionaires. But the car horn... There was a time in the 70s...

Remember in the 70s, there was... La Couture... Frank's got a crazy frog, haven't you? You know La Couture... You'd occasionally hear that. Or I wish I once... And I thought, this is the beginning. I thought, when I'm an older man,

I thought, it'll be a variety of things. You'll be able to get all sorts. And it's never happened. No, they should have your song of choice. I'd just love it. I'd have beautiful Christina Aguilera. Just to calm everyone the hell down. I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit here

on behalf of the car horn manufactured people. They seem to have gone with the alerting people of dahinja noise. It was still alert people. If a young child stepped down in front of me chasing a ball and I pressed and it went...

HE LAUGHS You'd still know that there was a car coming. Yeah, yeah, that's at your point. But I just... I don't know why they haven't gone into it. Is there a legal restraint on what your car horn can be, do you think? Yeah. Fair enough, I don't know. Yeah, I think it has to be a certain volume for sure volume we can handle i think it can be it would be much nicer if you had all sorts of lovely songs playing yeah imagine that watch it watch out frank watch out that woman

then she'd start realizing menomastect this during this section she'd stop, realise she'd made a mistake. During this section, she'd be white, nodding her acknowledgement, you know, sorry about that. And I'd be steadily moving away. I just worry that she might start sashaying. You haven't said sashay on here for a long time. Not for a while.

Remember you were reprimanded by a reader who said he's always saying sashay. Come to think of it, you haven't said it since. I have, I'm sure I have. I think you said Sade once. Yes, Emily. Andrew says, Thomas Dolby is a ringtone millionaire. I think he invented

the Nokia ringtone. What? What? That's a classic. the Nokia ringtone. Well, they... What, um... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Yeah, well, I'd like to. Sure will. And it's my show. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, well, well, Frank, you've lit up the switchboard, if I may say. You've lit up the switchboard. We've had quite a few car horn texts. Yeah, right.

Phil from Preston. Hi, Frank and team. Not wanting to take Alan's role as car expert. I prefer motor and correspondent, but potato, potato. The MOT rules say it must be one tone. Long time reader, Phil from Preston. Oh, so, um, how did... How did that ever get through?

I guess those guys must have been operating outside of the law. You are. I mean, there was lots of them. I'm not on about one or two. Well, there were many rule breakers back then, but people have smartened up their acts. I think they've got that wrong. Oh.

Well, 984 has texted, I tried to get the Dukes of Hazardhorn put on my mate's van while he was on... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I tried to get the Dukes of Hazardhorn put on my mate's van whilst he was on... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I tried to get the Dukes of Hazard Horn put on my mate's van whilst he was on honeymoon. How did that go? But the guy in the shop said it was illegal.

I don't know why. Oh. And that's it. I'm a bit worried about that because the whole stars and bars thing has been a bit marred with, you know, it's all a bit dodgy. Whereas La Cucureca is still completely untarnished.

580 has texted, Hi Frank, I think cars before 1970 need to produce just an audible tone. For MOT cars after that have to have the high-low standard horn. Oh, see what's happened is that rules, red tape bureaucracy, has quashed the individuality of drivers. Absolutely ruined everything. Well, Paul's got a lovely sentiment out, which is 393, who says,

Frank has hit upon the solutions to road rage. Who could get angry if you get cut up by someone who cuts you up, but whose horn plays the Pink Panther as they pass by? I absolutely agree with that. The world will be a much happier place. Peace out, Paul. Peace and love, peace and love. That is absolutely

true, though. If someone had sort of cut in front of you and you... LAUGHTER MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC Actually, that might confuse some...

Oh! By now, your car is laughing. Surely he's laughing by now. As I think I've said before, I hate that, because it just makes me think of watching a box set with you and it making me cry. Anyway, we should fight for the right. I love it, Frank. It's one of your best ideas ever.

I mean, what if you drive a classic car and you've got the old... That's two-tone. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll tell you what we haven't talked about this morning. Lots of stuff. Well, there's been some huge footballing news. Well, that's true. Gary is going to get his pants out. Oh, that, yes. Yes.

Match of the day. We should say why. Yeah, congratulations, we should say to Leicester City. Congratulations. No, we don't say stuff like that. I think we should. What do you mean? What, someone, a representative of Leicester City will hear this and think,

oh, that's nice. That's like when people say, no, I'm dedicating this to, and you think, well, what will that do for them? Nothing. It was 5,000 to one. That would have been a nice bet. How many times have we heard those odds? It would have been a nice bet.

Apparently it was. Did you read it? They had the same odds for Elvis being found. Did they? I've got it. I've got 2,000 to one bet on Bernard Matthews. Have you? Yeah, he's out there somewhere.

And so Gary Lineker had said earlier in the season that if Leicester won, because this seemed somewhat unlikely at the time, am I right? And so he said that he would present Match of the Day in his pants should this happen. Yes. And now he has to. There is an out clause there, of course, because presumably

I'm guessing... He'll probably get that stitched up, I should think, via out clause. I'm guessing... I'm guessing that every week he presents Match of the Day in his pants. Oh! I could be wrong. It could be Richard Bateley. Well, I must tell him this

because I have spoken to him about Pantsgate. Oh, have you? Have you? But we'll get on to that in a minute. Well, I must tell him this because I have spoken to him about Pantsgate. Oh, have you? Have you? But we'll get on to that in a minute. Well, if West Bromwich Albion win the Premier League, I'm happy to appear on Question Time in a pair of open-clad clonkers, as a mate of mine used to call them. I'll go split

crotch. I'm saying that much on Question Time. Well, Frank, I'd like you to advise Gary. I think that would take away from some of the policy discussion on Question Time. I don't think. It depends what they're discussing. I'm going to get you along for a night out with Gary, where I'd like you to advise him as pants advisor.

It's too late now. It's tonight, isn't it? He has to wear that. He's not doing it tonight. No, I think it's the first one of next season. Oh, do you? Do you think it is? Shall I tell you when it is? Because I've spoken to Gary. Sorry, I haven't spoken to gary i thought that was in the articles about it that's what i've read there's articles there's definitely articles about it would you like to know yes what does gary say about it okay i'm

going over now to uh emily dean i'm with gary here no i have spoken to gary about it gary said his exact words were, well, I suppose I'll have to now, won't I? Well, he will, but I think surely he should do it tonight on Match of the Day. I don't know whether I should confirm this, but, oh, what the hell. He will be doing it, but it won't be tonight. It will be the start of next season. That's just gym time, isn't it?

He doesn't need gym time. That is gym time. Well, that is totally gym time. Otherwise, he'd have been on there tonight. He'll be gone. He'll be doing it. They'll be, you know, they'll have lost their first game 4-0 at home. And the whole thing will... You've worn pants in public before. What's the matter with you? He's done 36 crisp

adverts. Surely his humiliation threshold is high, high. Don't say that! Well, I'm sure he'd be the first to admit it. I don't think he'd list them amongst his best work. Yeah, although, Frank, you've appeared in your pants publicly. I have. How did you find it, and did it come back to

haunt you? Well, I found it eventually. It is. I used a magnification device. Do you think you'll look similar to Gary? No, I think Gary's, obviously, he's a former professional athlete. Do you think you'll look similar to Gary? No, I think Gary's obviously a former professional athlete. I look... I thought you looked lovely in those Y-fronts.

No, but I was... When I did that, when I first did that dancing in my pants, try YouTube. I, um... Someone said to me, do you work out? Did they? And I looked like Gandhi. I don't mean... I don't mean the model,

I mean the Indian statesman. Not David. No. Gandhi G, let's call him that. I did. Oh, I'm Gandhi. Yeah, I mean, it sounds scrawny and awful. That's part of the...

But I'm in comedy, you see, not sport. It's fine, isn't it? I thought you looked lovely. But I do think you came to be defined by the pants moment for a while. I did a bit. And I just think you need to give Gary advice about this. Frank Skinner is pants, that sort of thing. I had lunch at Crystal Palace before a game,

and a very sort of stately African lady came over to me and said, I loved it when you danced in your pants. Russian, was she? Yes, she was. Are you sure she was referring to that clip, or that unfortunate night out? Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about that. Me and her went to a blues.

I'd forgotten all about it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Gary Lineker... GL. ..in his pants. His pants. And I'm...

I think in... I just think that's really poor, leaving it till next season. I think in the initial thing he says... Well, don't have a go at him. Come on. ..I'll present Match of the Day in my undies, which I think is an abbreviation of underwear, so I think he the initial thing he says I'll present match of the day in my undies, which I think is an abbreviation of underwear, so I think he'd be perfectly within his rights to wear

singlet. I think he could do like the Victorian strongman thing, you know, like a sort of pants and the vest combined. Oh, I hope he doesn't do that. Just go on tonight, wear your pants, take the banter, and that's the end of it. Wear your pants and take the bants. Yeah, exactly.

As they say, nowhere on earth. Well, my only worry is... Look, it's a big deal. The Prime Minister has been discussing it. Oh, that annoyed me. Keith Vaz, who's something of a friend of the show, we brought him up before a few times. He was the one that asked, wasn't he?

He posed the question. He had his Leicester scarf on. Oh, God, yes, he did. Did you see that? Yeah, I did. Ugh. I didn't... He asked if he should keep his promise?

I'll be all right in a minute. I'm all right. It's come down my nose a bit, but it's all right. I just hope if Gary, when he finally gets round and stops drawing it out and gets onto his... Stop saying finally gets round. Stop defending him. He might be your mate.

He's also a public figure, so he has to take the rough with the smooth. Oh, well, I'll sit here and be horrible about him, then. I'm not being horrible about him. I'm saying I hope he doesn't do that thing that footballers do when they start of pulling your waistband forward with your thumbs and then peering downwards

that they do before matches. Yeah, but they won't just do the shorts, will they? It's got to be at least a boxer brief. I know, but I hope he doesn't do that. One of the great temptations of elastication. I don't think a boxer brief. I don't think boxers are a good idea if you're going to host the television. I mean, you did three minutes.

No, boxers are all right, aren't they? No, I think... Do you think it's got to be wife arms? There's a danger of fallout with a boxer's brief. No, I won't. What? There is. Well, I asked him what he was most's got to be wife arms? There's a danger of fallout with a box of... No, God, what? There is. Well, I asked him what he was most worried about,

and I can't repeat it. Oh. No, I did see him. He said a funny thing about it. Frank, you did it for three minutes or so. I know. I did it in a play, though. I did a six-month run when I had to be... see my naked, with my behind, my behind completely exposed.

Did you have the tortoise? Completely exposed and with a hint of gapage. And I'll tell you, I've never told anyone this before, I don't think, but it was called Cooking with Elvis, the play. So I was, there was a moment of physicality with one of the female characters, this is on stage and I have to sort of

take my trousers down and lean forward with my bottom face in the crowd and I started to, after about a month or so in, I had a reaction to the stuff that the stage gear was washed in. And started to get quite a lot of irritation and reddening.

How can I describe this? In the cleft. In the bumblee rings. In the cleft. This is a horrible anecdote. And every time I leant over, I thought, how much of this terrible redness is being... I mean, I think from... I looked from a distance like a Venus flytrap. And that was...

So it really does. But I'll tell you something, when I was doing that show, I have never washed so thoroughly in my life. Yeah, I can believe that. Talk about fine-tooth comb. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say, people will believe we have our show written.

We really don't. Nobody will believe that. Don't be ridiculous. I would like to try a novelisation of the show one week. Would you? Said Frank. Yeah, exactly. Said Frank with a twinkle.

Said Frank haughtily. How do? He could never be haughty. We've had a text saying, was Frank wearing Y-fronts when he won Rear of the Year? Love, Becky and Gary. No, when I won Rear of the Year, which I think was... Frank sat back to regale us with an anecdote.

No, I was just letting it settle. You've got to close my mind to it. I was asked to wear long johns with a Pretty Polly insignia on one of the buttocks. Oh, yeah. And I said, I don't really want to advertise that. And so they raced around and they got... Although it was the Pretty Polly sponsored really the year. Oh, yeah. Do you remember Pretty Polly? Do they still exist, Pretty Polly tights?

No, I don't think so, darling. Have they gone? See, if I'd have worn that, they'd have probably still been going. They might do, but I haven't worn tights for about 10 years. Have you not? On account of working in the fashion industry. Have they gone? Are they completely out of fashion? Oh, goodness, yeah. You can't wear tights. What, regardless of denier?

No. No tights. Not even a hipster tight? No tights. Wow. Bare legs at all times, darling. No, not in the winter, surely. In the winter.

Wow. The things you girls put yourselves through. The things we learn on this show. So anyway, and then, so I did show, I was in Long John's, but Carol Smiley, my female counterpart in The Winner that year, she just wore a tight leather trouser and said, this is all you're getting. Did she?

And she looked great. Respect. She did, I remember the photo. Me too. Oh, yes. I remember it well. So have you two ever had cause to undress professionally? I don't know the way you lowered your voice.

It did get a little bit like that, didn't it? Frank whispered in a husky tone. I met someone who'd been a professional dancer and he said, yes, yes, I've lifted my legs for money. Beautiful description.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Alan, when were you naked? This morning, I'll admit.

Yeah, yeah, showered. Yeah, but publicly, have you done it? Yes. I mean, I may have told you about this a couple of years ago, guys, but I was in a sitcom called Trying Again and got cancelled. No biggie. You did mention it. I had a scene in that where I was in just my boxer shorts. Did you?

I don't remember that. How do you remember? I thought I'd seen them all. It doesn't sound that... Was that the hotel room scene? It doesn't sound that big a deal, but there's loads of crew, isn't there? There's loads of crew on a TV thing,

so in the end you are walking past you know 15 20 people in your undies and they give you a robe but the thing i don't fully understand is that the scene that we were filming i was in a bed so i didn't really need to be in just boxer shorts but i do hate the way that when you get a scene like a couple in bed and stuff yeah and then you know the things and he's got his pants on, she's got a long, long... I think nobody sleeps like that when they're young and in love. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't that. But also, I ate very differently back then, so I was eating quite a lot of bread and pasta. I wear a virgin opera sleep suit, like everyone else does. Do you? Oh, are they one of those, Frank? Yeah, I wish I hadn't said virgin and opera in the same sentence after

the previous topic. I sleep in a cryogenic pod in real life. Do you? I don't know what everybody else is like. I've often thought about one of the things I love about cryogenics. Can I just mention this? I'd love to start this. If you love something about cryogenics,

8-12-15. Can that be your text in? I love the fact. Instead of car horns, we're going about cryogenics, 8, 12, 15... Can that be our text in? I love the fact... Instead of car horns, we're going to cryogenics. That Walt... Everyone thinks... When you talk about cryogenics and people being frozen, you know, and so they can be preserved at a later date... Yes.

Everyone thinks, first thing, Walt Disney. Mm-hm. Yeah. That's the one person I know... I know, I do. ...who's been cryogenically preserved. Oh, Michael Jackson, I I thought has he been? I don't know

I interviewed Latoya Jackson is it Latoya? and I said to her she was talking about his trial which was still ongoing and I said well obviously if he's guilty let him burn

and she just nodded she was with me on that which was still ongoing. And I said, well, obviously, if he's guilty, let him burn. And she just nodded. So she was with me on that. Anyway, Walt Disney was not cryogenically preserved. Oh, was he not? No, he was cremated. Complete rubbish. But what I love about that, he was cremated. So not only is he not on ice,

but he's nailed the stuff that you put on ice to stop slipping. There couldn't be more wrong about what happened to Walt Disney. When I was... I went naked for Petter. Did you? Oh, I'd rather go naked than wear fur. No, no, the Arsenal goalie.

Petter Cech. Petter Cech, yeah. And he gave me a Petter Cech as well for £45.50. How he valued it, I don't know. I thought he meant he'd given you a once-over, like a check. You have to get... Yeah, everything's fine, Frank. Carry on with your life.

That's decent material, to be fair. That was. That Petr-check gave me... Do you like it? Yeah, I like it. I'm glad I decided against the black helmet remark. Yeah. I was until you decided to say it. No, I decided not to liked it. I'm glad I decided against the black helmet remark. Yeah. I was until you decided to say it. No, I decided not to say it.

Do you know, working in my industry, fashion... Say it to the left. Turn to the right. You have to become very comfortable with the naked body. Because people strip off all the time. What, in the office? Sounds awful. No, in the fashion cupboard.

We might run in there. If you're changing or you're going to an event and there's people, there's interns milling in and out. There's men, mainly gay, to be honest. And you just, often in bra and knickers. And it's good. It's good. I mean, they don't pass judgement, ever.

The gay man might say you look great. It was the same when I worked in a drop forging in the West Midlands. We were often in our pants. No-one turned them. Well, never mind what they didn't turn. When I did the petta thing, me and David Baddiel did it together. You know that I'd rather go naked than wear fur? Mm-hm.

And Hagrid turned it down, apparently. Oh, did he? We lived together then, Dave and I, but we'd never, ever seen each other naked. Really? No. And that morning, he was standing in the hallway and I just walked past completely naked and went,

Morning! I just went past. I just thought I'd get it out the way. And how was it? Well, he laughed. That was all I was after. Why he laughed, we'll never know. But I remember turning up.

There's a lot of people there on the crew. Like, they'd all turned up to have a look. A gander. As soon as I got in, the bloke went, Pants and socks, pants and socks. Because they want the elasticity marks to fade before they do the photo. That's what the glamour models have to be careful of, isn't it? The pants and socks.

Because sometimes if you look at the picture... Do they wear socks? Well, in the pre-retouching days, you would sometimes see that, the odd pants and socks mark. But I love that. I love that bit of reality. OK. And relax.

Absolute. Absol relax. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was locked outside of the house once naked. Now, how did that happen? It happened because I was a teenager at the time

and we were playing strip poker. As a teenager? the time and we were playing strip poker as a teenager no with girls you've lived no it was with girls in a fun way no lovely ok

when I say lovely that's going to be horrible ok but we were playing it in a sort of funny way yeah in a giggly way not in a sleazy way but my friends it turned out

were rather horrible because what they did was we all played this, and then they said, oh, let's run around the garden. We were at my friend's country house. And they said, let's run around the garden for larks. And I said, oh, great. And they said, oh, you go first. And I ran out and they shut the door.

The big oak door slammed shut on me. I think that's an acceptable prank. Do you? Yes. Oh, OK. I think that's an acceptable prank. Do you? Yes. Oh, okay. I didn't like it. Our Terry used to sleepwalk and he sort of come round, he was naked in his garden. Yeah.

And he'd shut himself out and stuff. Must happen a lot. There's probably naked people all over Britain. There's probably naked people listening to this right now. I bet there are. I bet there's at least one naked person sitting listening to this show. On public transport. Yeah, it's a numbers game, isn't it? I don't worry about it, though. A friend of my mother's met her other half naked. Naked? Yeah. That is a good story.

They were doing a self-improvement course and they all had to strip off as part of it. course and uh they all had to strip off as part of it and then they met and they bonded now what worried me about this was that firstly she's she's uh got a rather fabulous body so but what i would say is that what about if he goes back to the locker and there's bootcut jeans in there and a matrix oh yeah i like to know what people's taste is i often judge people by their shoes so do i always have done yeah yeah um and um you know how many warm-hearted socialists have i spoken to and they look down and they look like they get their shoes on prescription uh but but there is a also a big plus to meeting someone naked for the first time. You're not going to get one of those,

I've made the worst mistake of my life moments. No surprises. Although maybe surprises. I haven't been surprised since the 90s. So maybe that would be nice. I'm not on the market anymore, can I make that clear? I can hear a groan of disappointment going across Great Britain. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 907 has texted, I'm assuming that this is a meeting naked story. Okay. I met a guy on the beach in Mexico. We met up later for dinner and he was in dungarees it's not rainbow I said, he didn't speak English so well so he just adjusted his straps

yeah well there's a hazard well dungarees are super fashionable they are very in aren't they I've been pondering them, I'm not going to lie I think you'd look great in them you would look a bit Geoffrey from Rainbow in them that is part of the problem. But how do Mexicans ever get a suntan in those hats?

All right, Donald Trump. Donald Trump, he makes me feel fine. Blowing down the back roads. What about Donald Trump's taco? Did you see that? No. Oh, there's a picture of him eating one to show that he wasn't racist. Oh, I thought you meant...

Donald Trump's taco. I thought you meant he was lorry driving. I've just heard that. He's a big one. Keeping his driving hours at the right... So he eats Mexican food, so that makes him... Yeah. He said, here I am enjoying a lovely taco.

I love Hispanics. He did, it said that. It did, it said that. He can say it. Anything Donald Trump said I love Hispanics. He did. He did. It said that. He can say it. Anything Donald Trump said will be all right. He can. But the weirdest thing was the taco was resting on a picture of his ex-wife in a bikini. Is that right?

Yes. Brilliant. I love a still life. Yeah. I have an email from email corner here. Do you want a jingle? I don't know if you've got one. Well, I've got one somewhere.

Don't worry then if you don't want. Okay, get off. In the meantime, while you find that jingle, shall I read you a text? This will do. Oh, yeah. But let's read that text anyway. Yeah.

Andrew says, I've always thought a trip to the swimming baths would make a good second date. Why wait six months to be disappointed? Yeah, that's very good. It's not very good. No, that is. I don't like it. I'm sorry, Andrew.

Frankly, you're lucky if you get us back there. You get what you get. Oh, no, you're assuming that Andrew is just talking about women. Yeah. But it's a two-way street. Same goes for men. Yeah, if I... Sometimes it's a three-way street. Same goes for men. Yeah, if I... Sometimes it's a three-way street. I consider I'm lucky if I get you

back there. Sometimes the swimming pool's got a slower medium and a fast lane. I think what Andrew's saying is if two people go swimming early on, they both get a chance to assess. What he's saying is he wants a relationship based on someone's body. No, he's... Which I don't like. What he's saying is he doesn't want to waste... Why don't you get off his back?

What he's saying is he doesn't want to wait six months to then see or for them to wait six months it's a life hack where you'd really like someone and love everything about them and then decided that you didn't like them when you saw them in trunks

yes I said trunks to you it's happened to me many times I mean as the victim really trunks to you. It's happened to me many times. And me. I mean, as the victim. Oh. Really got off to you both. And Suzanne Hutchinson, I'll be talking to you about your crush on the boat. Are you one of them women's libbers? One of them.

Oh, dear. Wow. There'll be nylon burning in a minute. Wow. The old brassiere goes up. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Many have. They have. It's been fruitful. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I was about to read us an email before we got our contractual commercial obligations and music playing, and here it is. Hello, Dr Skinner and the Skinettes. You've been promoted there academically somewhat, I think. I have got two honorary doctorates. Oh, well, there we go, then. I'll take it back. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. I'll almost overlook the appalling comments about the swimming pool on the second date. Look, let's clarify this. If you have a second date at the swimming pool, I mean, I have two problems with this. It means all you care about is the body. I'm essentially frightened of...

No, but you are... When you first go out with someone, you are gathering facts of all kinds. Are you not? And so, you know, those little flash frames. Somebody said something, like I went out with someone who described Fever Pitch as a novel. OK.

And I thought, we can't go out anymore. Done. That's an absolutely valid reason. Yeah. Someone not looking as nice, we can't go out anymore. Done. That's an absolutely valid reason. Yeah. Someone not looking as nice as you hope in pants is not. But I'm expecting, I mean, if, speaking of someone who looks terrible

in swimwear, I'm prepared, you know, ultimately. Yeah, Gathy would still date you. Well. I don't know about that. Also, I'm uneasy in the swimming pool. I'm scared. That's not what I've heard. I'm the know about that. Also, I'm uneasy in the swimming pool. I'm scared. That's not what I've heard.

I'm the one who suffers. I just think you're assembling facts early on. And I just like the chaps. I appreciate your visual creatures primarily. I just feel it's my duty to point this out to you. Oh, don't. Sexist. I wasn't being sexist. I just like the fact that the chap was suggesting...

You were just being sexy. No, I wasn't being sexist. You were just being sexy. I like the fact that the chap was suggesting... You were just being sexy. No, I wasn't being sexist. We're saying we are. You were just being sexy. I like the fact that the chap was suggesting a system for life. Anybody that's got a system, I admire, because I haven't got any systems in place. Okay. So I'm impressed by him. Anyway, I have this email.

Hello, Dr Skinner and the Skinettes. I've been a fan of the show for a couple of years now, and after listening for a few months, I built a very clear picture of the three of you in my mind's eye. Oh! So much so that I've avoided seeing clear picture of the three of you in my mind's eye. Oh! So much so that I have avoided seeing any pictures of Emily and Alan. Doesn't bode well about my television career, does it? Anyway... Alan is absolutely furious. Obviously.

He's been on many of the leading panel shows and I think assumed... I'm sure it won't get any worse. ...that everyone immediately knew what he looked like. Obviously, Dr Skinner is a household name. Oh, God, it's getting worse. And everybody knows his face. So is Domestos. He is something of a national treasure.

Everybody knows his face. Everybody knows my face. They continue. Nathan, my image of Emily is one of... Oh, hang on, I'm just getting ready for this bit. Yep, strap in. My image of Emily is one of... Oh, hang on, I'm just getting ready for this bit. Yep, strap in. My image of Emily is one of a quietly attractive,

impeccably presented lady. So this is another argument for the swimwear on the second date. Yes. Why? Now, how do you interpret quietly attractive? I'm not quietly attractive. Oh, what, you think that sounds like I'm unattractive? No,

I don't know. I don't mind. Darling, am I extra? I'm unattractive? No, I don't know. I don't mind. Darling, am I extra? I'll take anything I can get. I'll take striking. Um, yeah. Striking is good. Okay. I'm happy with quietly attractive. Is it like quietly confident? Because that's not, that's no longer my currency. I'm just worrying. It's not my currency anymore. It's not your currency once you're over 25 I'm having an image of Attraction

I look down at my graphic equalisers On this desk But it's like a volume switch If you're number 10 You're say Julie Covington Circa 1970 Attractive Don't know that reference.

But I imagine everybody that's listening to Absolute on a Saturday morning will. I'm happy to be a two because I'm absolutely hilarious. So it's fine. Good shout. Do you understand? Oh, you're definitely more than a two. That makes me, yeah. I'm happy to be a two.

Shall we work out what scores we are? Let's not. Let's not. Okay. I'm very happy to be a two. I mean, you might not mean it like that. You might mean quietly attractive as in delicately understated. I'm very happy to be a two. He might not mean it like that. He might mean quietly attractive as in delicately understated. I'm really happy to be quietly attractive.

Thank you. So Emily is one of a quietly attractive, impeccably presented lady. I'm very happy with impeccably presented. Whilst Alan... I think it's suggesting you... A little bit bookish, which I like. You know when a cat sits in a patch of sunlight on a carpet... Yeah, I love that.

...and it does that thing with its eyes when they slowly open and close it's that kind of that kind of confidence happy with that confidence i call it yeah okay whilst alan is an understated cool mod type even though he's often self-deprecating oh i thought that was ministry of defense yeah i don't think it is i think it's just a typo. He's secretive enough. Yeah, he is. What, to be M.O.D.? Deep as the ocean, as my dad used to say. I don't think I'm secretive or deep, but we'll go with it.

Yeah. Should I take the plunge and Google the team? Also, have you ever been in a similar situation and been surprised, good or bad, when you actually saw what they looked like? Yeah, on the swimming pool. bad when you actually saw what they looked like. Yeah, on the swimming pool. Avoiding praise, so keep doing the show as I listen to it and you are paid to do it the way you do it.

P.S. I had to be very careful sending this message via the website, not to see a pic. That's a good point. Well, well done, Nathan. Thank you. I'm pleased about that. I mean, the mossing is correct. Can I say, he's judging me by my photos

and he hasn't seen the upgrade on my teeth I mean, the mod thing is correct. Can I say, he's judging me by my photos. Yes. He hasn't seen the upgrade on my teeth in recent times. No. So I'm even better than he thinks. I'd say that's taken you up to a 2.2 on the graphic equaliser. He's made a glaring omission. If I get Absolute to Photoshop my teeth on the website,

up to their current standard. Yeah. Yes! I think you are the cool mod type, there's no question about it. I don't think so. I mean, I've got a few Fred Perrys and John Smedleys, but I'm definitely not a mod. I don't know what a John Smedley is, if I'm mistaken. Oh, you'd like that, fine.

The mods have got too many rules, and I'm just not a rules kind of guy. No, but this is what he means by a cool mod type, you know. You're not going to arrive in a pair of... You're not going to have a parka. You're not a Liam Gallagher. But what you are is, I'd say you're a quiet mod.

Yes. If I can use that phrase again. Quietly moddish. Quietly moddish, yeah. I'll take that. I'll take that. I mean... It's lovely. When I was a kid, I used to listen to Radio 1 all the time. And it was Johnny Walker and all those people. And I knew what very few of them looked like. I knew the ones that did Top of the Pops, obviously, what they looked like.

But a lot of them, I had no idea. And it's always disappointing. I get it now with podcasts. If you see someone from a podcast, you think, oh my glory. Oh my glory! Oh my glory! Yeah. Go back to the swimming pool chat. Yeah.

It's, um, sometimes it's, what we use, what they don't have, absolutely, when you go into the BBC, they've got those postcards. Oh, yeah. With pictures of the DJs on, like, pulling those faces that people only ever pull in photos. Yes.

When historians find photos of people from the early 21st century, they think they constantly had their eyes open as wide as they could and their mouth. But we should have some of those little postcards, absolutely, with our lovely faces on. Oh, can we do that, Daisy? That sounds fun. They won't have the money here, do they?

I asked her and she just gave me a dirty look. We waited two years for carpet. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We heard from the outside world, Al, didn't we? We have. It's a text message from 443, football manager, obviously. Oh oh very good i like it i think a swimming pool you can't actually have a four

four now i know but i know where he was coming from okay i think a swimming pool that is a good idea i've got a toothpick out frank i have i've just had some almonds and they i find they linger around they do where did you get the toothpick from then? It's in my pocket. Really? Do you always keep one in there? You know what Chrissie Hines said? Got toothpick in pocket. You know, I've never known you used to keep toothpicks in there.

OK, sorry, as you were. I think a swimming pool date is a good idea. Swimming against the tide somewhat there. I think a swimming pool date is a good idea. I'm not a great swimmer and would want a partner who could save my life in an emergency oh okay that is the sort of logic i like them yeah and then if that date goes well you could have like a um barbecuing party for the third date yes and that's a lovely reason to pick a partner another day it could be could be like rudimentary

mechanical. I'd like to go out with an A&E triage. Exactly. So if I drop at any moment, which, you know, could always happen and she's there, or he. Andrew has now said, can you stop referring to me as the swimming pool chap? My name is Andrew. Emily,

fancy a date? Thank you, Andrew. But unfortunately, you're going to make me go to the swimming pool i'm afraid um that's i refuse to do that deck but thank you very much for the for the offer deck dockery pretty much every week i can relate to at least one thing frank has to say which leads me to think i'm officially middle-aged it's become a bit Dennis Norton. You know you're middle-aged when you start listening to the... You alright, Dennis?

Someone get a minute! Is he dead, Dennis? I think he is. 8, 12, 15. I thought it was his family. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. All right, yeah!

Baby! I'm going to read a text, baby, from 456. Oh, can you two not call each other baby? Makes me a little bit illy. Thank you. I'll read this, because I don't think Emily would. She's too bashful. As a middle-aged male, I love the show,

even though Frank's a baggy. And having seen the pics, and Emily is at least a nine. So he says Emily's a nine. She wouldn't have read that because it's, you know, she's bashful about such things. Looks like the old graphic equaliser's going up a little bit, Frank, from the two that you gave me.

He might be German. OK. Thanks for that, 456. And from that, I try not to be too much of a professional grumpy pants. You know, I don't want to be the show grump. Try harder. I don't want to be the show grump. But one of my bugbears...

You're both grumpy as each other. One of my bugbears has happened this week. This May the 4th day when people celebrate Star Wars. But one of my bugbears... You're both grumpy as each other. One of my bugbears has happened this week. This May the 4th day when people celebrate Star Wars. Oh, Star Wars Day. May the 4th, it's Star Wars Day. That's in the news this week. Have you seen that? I like a pun, though. I'm glad that the whole celebration is based on a pun.

When you say you like a pun, the other day at your house you made a pun and you were so happy. Whilst the rest of us continued talking, you just sat there laughing to yourself and punching your own knee in excitement. Punching? I think when a man is at his own hearth site, he can behave as he wishes. There's no judgement from me. I'm just illustrating how much you like a pun. I do love a pun. And Ray the Fourth is a good pun. I know we do love a pun And May the 4th is a good pun

You think it's a good pun? The first person who made that pun Respect to Munda But those people that don't know It's based on Star Wars May the 4th be with you And it's May the 4th be with you Those people would be better off in a home

I wondered Is this May the 4th be with you. Those people would be better off in a home. I wondered. As George Formby used to say. Is this May the 4th day? Is it slightly offensive? He'd be far better off. Far better off. He'd be far better off in a home. Sorry.

Is this May the 4th day a celebration? Yeah. Is it slightly offensive to people with a lisp who would say May the the force be with you? Well, we've got Chris Eubank on the line. I've got Chris. Oh, good. Go on, then.

Hello, Chris. Good morning. Chris, we're talking about May the 4th day. I asked, it's a... I find it very... dispiriting. It's a very bad line, Chris. It sounded like you said dispiriting. sounded like you said, dispiriting.

No, I did say dispiriting. What are you getting at? Chris, you back there. It's a terrible line. Sorry. We'll try and see if we can get him again later. Well, anyway, I'm going to say I don't like it. OK.

But I'll tell you who got into it. The Obamas. The Obamas had to... I heard the Obamas. Sorry, Chris. I meant to turn you down. Did you mention the Obamas? Yeah, I'll come back to you. He's persistent in the extreme.

Isn't he? Persistent, he calls it. He does? Yes, the Obamas. They got into it. They had a little dance with the Stormtroopers. Oh, the Obamas. Yeah. Oh, God.amas. Yeah.

Oh, God. I worry. I'm starting to think, if I was a black public figure, I would make it my business not to be cool. He's definitely... Not your song. I think he's definitely on that trajectory, though. You know what I mean, though? He's becoming less cool with every day.

Oh, he's so cool. If I was Barack, I'd say, you know, when's Merlin coming back? You'd say that, whoever you were. No, but everybody would think I was that person. He's got to be cool. Imagine if he said, I love your peaky blinders. Yes.

And the Queen would have said, how dare you? Someone would have had to explain what it meant and all that. Frank, where's Chris? Pardon? Where's Chris? Chris is outside. We've lost him. what it meant and all that. Frank, where's Chris? Pardon? Where's Chris? Chris, where's Chris? We've lost him. We'll try and get him back,

but it's very difficult weather conditions. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had a text. Hi, guys. With reference to May the 4th, my friend sent me an email on Thursday.

Revenge of the 5th. That's good. See what they've done there? That is good. That's from Jane in Wordsley Stourbridge. Stourbridge. Stour. Stour, isn't it?

That's Chris Eubank's favourite film. Wouldn't it be better to have sent it on the 6th? Revenge of the 6th. It's more like it, isn't it? Revenge of the 5th? No. This is the problem with texting a pun to a punner. You can't help but copy-edit it.

Personally, I would... It's all right, we'll all know. I would say that Revenge of the 5th is probably more accurate. I'm leaving now. He's starting to go African. I hate it when he does that. I've been out with him before and he does that. Yeah.

Where were we, Frank? We were in the White House with Michelle Obama and Barack. So they did that thing, well, they played Uptown Funk. Mm-hmm. Where does that go? Oh, you're going to make me sing it? Uptown Funk! Oh, no, that's not how it goes. There's a great line in it. I'll take that on purpose. mm-hmm where does that go oh you're gonna make me see that get the stretch i don't expect you to know that is it old said uptown funky one it said uptown fun how is that is it i said oh i know that funky i'm finished said uptown funky one

it's all right i'm happy to talk through through you. Michelle Obama said it's her favourite song. Oh, Michelle Obama. She said, this is my favourite. And then Barack... Her favourite. ...starts saying, come on, come on, stormtroopers. And then he says to one of the stormtroopers, come on, man. Don't call stormtroopers man.

I just don't say man if you're the president. Well, I just don't. Never. This whole story is a bit Tony Blair in bit tony blair and jogging gear it's whenever a politician does anything ordinary it's a really amazing thing people are doing this at home every night dancing to songs like this we're stormtroopers like this people dressed in star wars outfits but that wasn't really the story was it's the stories you know they're just like ordinary people guess what no but you know, this, I'm afraid,

touched into one of my worst phobias, which is people in costumes, dancing. So, like, football mascots. It makes me feel physically sick. Or, like, Mr Blobby or something. I cannot bear it. I just feel very vulnerable. There's a man in there, a poorly paid person on equity minimum. And he's having to dance, which should be about joy and abandon, and I find it so melancholic and poignant.

Thank you. I think one can be happy inside a mascot costume. I don't. You grew up with too many out-of-work actors. Well, I was in a mascot costume for Albion Norwich about three years ago, and I found it very, I felt very secure in there. Did you dance to Uptown Funk?

I think I danced to Disco Inferno. But we've all got our favourites. How's one of Russell Grant's favourites? Is it really? I love that one. I'd quite like to see Donald Trump dance to Sex Bomb. Oh, if Donald Trump gets in.

Actually, Sex Bomb has the two first things he's going to do when he gets in. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I drove in this morning, I went past a blue plaque on a flat which had got John Lennon and George Harrison on the same plaque. So I don't know if they ever boarded together. It's a bit like you and David Baddiel. Very similar.

Is there any blue plaque action for you and David? I feel that's pretty unlikely. Not since I've had them whitened. Whilst we're in our politics corner, I'm calling it, firstly, we'll say hello to the new Big Daddy. There's a new Big Daddy, isn't there, in the chair? A new London Mayor? Yeah.

Remember, that's only just in London, though. If you're listening to this in Birmingham, you think, who cares about that? But they had other votes. Those orange and yellow ones. I don't know what those papers are. I thought they were receipts in my handbag. If you're listening to this in Birmingham, you think, who cares about that? But they had other votes. Yeah. Those orange and yellow ones. I don't know what those papers are. I thought they were receipts in my handbag.

If you didn't vote, then you won't get this. Anyway, Zach Goldsmith. Yes. He got himself into a few scrapes. He did. I'm afraid, during the campaign. For reasons I won't go into, but there was one reason I will go into, which was he shamed himself when he was asked about the Bollywood Festival.

Did you see this? Yeah, it was at the Asian Festival he was at. Oh, yes. And he said he absolutely loved Bollywood movies and Bollywood... All things Bollywood, I think he said. You'll find his exact words were, I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a Bollywood theme, I lap up. Mm-hm.

OK. He said, I lap up. Fair enough. And the interviewer said, oh, you're a Bollywood fan, so have you a favourite film? Oh, no. And he said, and I was so obsessed by this, I can quote exactly what he said. I've made a note of it. He said, well, no, I wouldn't be able to... Let me think. No, I'm not

going to give you one. Oh. I can't think of a favourite. You can't think of any, mate. That's what you can't think of. Any. I could have said... If he'd have said Brandy Garley... LAUGHTER Who would have picked him up on that?

What if the interviewer had said, hang on, I went to school with you? You know what I would have said? Charlie Kelly. Yeah, Charlie Kelly. What about that song? But you've helped me, because if I'm ever running for London Mayor and I'm asked that, I'll say that.

Yeah, Barangi Gali, yeah? Is that what you'd have done? Would you honestly have sold it out? I'd have tried that. You wouldn't? And if they'd have said that we've looked that up, then I'd say, well, my... I'm not saying my pronunciation is top-notch.

You know, I mean, for the... mean it for the spirit, not the letter. Yeah. You tell them. You can't say, I will lap it up. I just wouldn't have said it. And then not know anything. I wouldn't have said it. It's not good enough.

Oh, yeah. He didn't remind me of it. What else is he going to lie about? Was it Rob Brydon who said to... Who was the guy who does Sunday Brunch? Oh, Tim Lovejoy. Yeah, Tim Lovejoy had a Ramones T-shirt on that show. Yeah.

He said, what's your favourite Ramones track? And he just looked like he'd had a seizure. Yeah, see, I've got such an honesty policy, I would have to admit, oh, it's just a T-shirt. But it would have been all right to say that. Well, I didn't used to, but now I've embarked on the skin away, as I call it, which is the truthful path, I find it hard to lie. And as Frank said, it's a harder way to live.

You'll have fewer friends. But that's the path I've chosen. I'll tell you what, I've certainly proved that. Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world You heard it here first. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't understand this Zach Goldsmith lying to impress them thing.

I've never done that. I've never. I almost go the opposite way of saying that i don't know about stuff when actually i know a little bit about stuff the only thing the only thing that i've ever said the only thing that i've ever said that i like that i don't is people and that's it just as a general like people but other than that you know i can't think of a lie that i've told. I'm too honest. That's my trouble. I can understand that.

I met Daryl Hannah once. Remember her? Worked with them all. Yeah, he does that. During my Terrible Brits night. How was she there that night? And I said, so what kind of music do you like, Daryl? And she went, hip-hop.

In a look which said, please, if you ask me one question about hip-hop, I will have to hang myself. What did you do? So I understood. I understood. I thought, you've lied, it's fine. Very good of you, that. Yeah, but there was terror in her eyes. Oh, Frank. It's easier with music, though, I think. I mean, mean to be honest I used to lie a lot

Particularly when I was growing up Before I embraced the skin and way of truth And I do I used to lie about if people said Movies what movies have you seen I lied for years that I'd seen the Blues Brothers You did that as well I did I said I'd seen the Blues Brothers

Why do we do that And I had never seen it but what I realised Is it was well I don't do it anymore, but it was very easy to get away with it because people so love their own opinions, they won't ask you. And what about that bit when you go, oh, yeah. No, and I'd say, what about that bit?

And then they'd finish the sentence. It's fine. See, my fear would be that I would say, yeah, yeah, I've seen that, and they'd say, I'm not sure I understood it, did you? And then I'd have to go, ah, no, didn't i used to um keep blood pellets in the pocket for that moment so i'd just start blood would start coming out of my mouth and i'd say i'm sorry i'm yeah the only time i've lied to try and appear cool was um someone asked me if i was cool and i said yes although i suppose if you're lying to appear cool if someone asks you if I was cool, and I said yes.

Although I suppose, if you're lying to appear cool, if someone asks you if you're cool, you'd say no. Yeah. That's making you cool. So that's the conundrum I'm leaving you with, and as a Catholic, I rarely leave people with a conundrum. But, um... Oh! Yeah, next adverts, apparently.

Does that mean adverts for next? Probably i look forward to it i'd like to know i'd like to know what they're doing what their spring summer it's going to be it is the end of the show oh we should say goodbye then never say goodbye say goodbye yeah i'm uh i'm desperate for a coco rita that is is the elaborate non-alcoholic cocktail I tend to have after the show, if our regular listeners are interested in my small life. And thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.