The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - NRG

Episode Date: November 7, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank and Emily went on a date to see Spectre, Frank thinks he may have met Matt Berry at a party and there is some discussion about the No Repeat Guarantee. Also this week the team discuss Serena the Superhero and the John Lewis Christmas advert.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Come on! That's the first time I've ever done that without a note that Daisy, the producer, hands to me sayingute Radio website. Come on! That's the first time I've ever done that

without a note that Daisy, the producer, hands to me saying all those things. And I just wondered, has it stuck? Having done that for whatever it is, five years. When did Twitter start? About 2008, I reckon. OK. But, you know, when you shouted, come on,

then some people reached straight for their devices to immediately email in the show, because you said, email the show, and then, come on! They might have thought, God, this is urgent. Can I just say, the way you said reach for your devices, very partridge, and I liked it. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I had a vision of devices. Oh, yeah, the place in Devon. Is it Devon? I think so. That could be today's texting. We were thinking of one, weren't we? I thought it was Suffolk. Oh, maybe.

This is good. Yeah. I thought I was partridge. Absolute geography. Oh, dear. So, welcome, everyone. Yeah, welcome, one and all. Thank you for tuning in once again.

It's a difficult week for me i need support i don't know i have a i always have a problem with bonfire night oh yeah oh it's your people frank yes fierce anti-catholic ceremony i lay in bed and the fireworks outside you know they went on where i am they went on till about midnight and beyond, people. And to me, it might as well be, the street might as well be full of people shouting, I hate you. That's all it says. I hate you and I want you to be destroyed.

So I'm glad to get that out of the way. Oh, I believe. We had a nice week, though. It was raining at four o'clock as well, and I thought, oh, good, maybe it's going to rain all night and ruin it for the Protestants, but no. I don't think it's just the proddies that do it. No, no, you don't think that.

Sorry. I feel like we've gone back in time as well. Yes. I watched fireworks with an Irish lady who somebody said, do they not have these in Ireland? And she went, No, we tend not to celebrate the burning of Catholics every year.

Oh, yes. Maybe a cigarette of Ireland every year for it. That'd be good, yeah. You might get yourself an Irish lady, like the cockerel. An ice Irish, a Colleen! That's what they call them, isn't it? Is it? I think they're called, they're not called colleagues. Colleen's they're called i think they're called they're not called colleagues

colleens they're called are they yeah not like not like wayne rooney specific colleen it's it's it's a genre it's a female genre right yeah it's yeah so um there's that and um yes but, I went on a date on Sunday. Did you? Yeah. I was taken out by Emily Dean. Oh, you two stepping out together. Honestly, she came to my house, she'd bought tickets for the cinema, she'd paid. Yeah, I paid.

She, um... I booked it through the PA. Yeah, picked me up in my car. In my car? That was interesting. It was my car. Yeah, pick me up. Nice. Pick me up in my car. In my car. That would be interesting. It was my car, Frank. Sorry, I have ownership issues. Frank, what about when I arrived to pick Frank up in the car

and he did the cutest, most Birmingham 1953 thing ever, which was he went, Hey, Kath, come and have a look at the new car. Nice. I mean, please, who does that? Nora went out with a bloke. This would be in the 60s. And he was the first person in our family

we'd had any contact with who owned a car. And it was like a second... We all went out into the street to look at it. It was like a second-hand Mini. And we walked round and round it, like, looking. Yeah. And he said you couldn't sit in it. We sat in it.

Amazing. You've done well for yourself now, you, looking. Yeah. And he said you can sit in it. We sat in it. Amazing. You've done well for yourself now, you and Kath. I suspect you are the only person in that street ever to say come and have a look at the new car. Do you think so? That's what you do if someone gets a new car. You go and have a look. The thing is, the street where I

grew up, there was council houses on our side and private houses on the other. So the other side had several cars parked. There was only one vehicle ever parked on our road before my brother-in-law turned brother-in-law to be. Yeah. And that was Mr. Faraday's oil tanker. Which doesn't really count.

I don't think it was his. Anyway, so we went and... Can I just say, Frank said when he got in my car, he said, oh, lots of leg room. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. It's lovely. I fancy being driven to the cinema by someone.

It was like being... It's not that weird, Frank. It's like being someone's girlfriend. That's what it's like. I may say that. So, yeah, I realise now what a great deal they've had all these years. What, the ladies? Yeah, the ladies.

Yeah. Yeah, so, and we went and saw Spectre to Raptor. Yeah, we went and saw Spectre. Yeah, we did. And, uh... I played Skyfall on the way down to get us in the mood, didn't I? Good. My Bluetooth capability.

It's a great tribute to... What's his name, the guy who does it? Sam Smith. Sam Smith, yes. I wanted to say Mike Smith, but I thought it can't be him. It's a great tribute to Sam Smith. Ever since I've seen the film, I've been singing Adele Skyfall.

Isn't it? What about Un we ordered popcorn and Frank said, is that small or medium? And the man said, he paused, and then Frank said, because if that's medium,

I'm calling the police. He honestly said that. I've never been so embarrassed. It was a tiny thing. I thought it was, I thought it was larger. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was as large as I always do, and Emily had ordered small.

When he handed this thing to me, I thought, I'd better not be large, there's going to be some trouble. You said you were calling the police. Well, I think that would be fair, because we were being abused from a confectionery standpoint. But I'll tell you about the film in a minute. No spoilers. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. When we went to the cinema, when I parked my car, Frank said, oh, that's good, you parked it under a street lamp. Always park it under a street lamp. I love it. Second link and we're already talking about parking. I mean, every week. And actually we've had an

email in saying, it's from Ian, was very excited to see Frank in his car approaching the Royal Albert Hall on Wednesday evening. I saw his eyes light up as he spotted a single yellow line space available mere feet from the front entrance.

He really was. I can't tell you how twice it was. His eyes lit up again. Look at that. The memory of it. Oh, man, I can't tell you. And I had the mother-in-law with me. And she said, can you park here?

I said, I know. It's unbelievable. But you can park here, and I have parked here. Honestly, I could have gone out the car, I could have took a packet of refreshers out of the glove compartment. There are many in there. And I could have hit the Albert Hall. I could have put one hand on my car,

thrown the packet of refreshers and hit the Albert Hall. That's how close I was to it. I mean, it is a big target. I know, but I mean, I was... I tell you what I was, I was very adjacent. Yeah. Oh, were you? Which was very exciting.

So, have you seen Inspector Al? I have. What did you think? Well, it took me about three years to see. Did you go with that Irish woman? No, it took me about three years to see Skyfall. Let's avoid spoilers, guys, because there'll be people seeing it this weekend. Yeah.

But what did you think? I'll speak to those people so late in the day. I'll tell you what, I enjoyed the very opening, you know, that really long shot, the first, I'm not going to spoil it. No, but the pre, I mean, it's a legendary thing, the Bond pre-title thing.

The pre-title. It's always amazing. Really long shot, I really enjoyed. And I don't think this is a spoiler but I think people that are going will expect there to be stunts in it. That's not a spoiler is it? There are stunts in this one. Well I must admit I was taken aback. Yeah. I mean some of the driving

was downright dangerous. Yeah. Well I did that really long intro shot. Lovely looking ladies innit? There are lovely looking ladies. This is people who's never seen a James Bond film before. And there's some lovely looking ladies, innit? There are lovely looking ladies. Is this people who's never seen a James Bond film before? There are. And the gadgetry.

Well, I mean. Well, I'll be honest with you. I think I might be over stunts. Are you? I never thought I'd say that. But I really like that opening big shot. And then just as soon as the stunts started happening, I thought, oh, God.

I like a stunt. I thought it was brilliant. Well stunt i thought it was uh brilliant we thought it was marvelous did you i'll tell you something i did enjoy craigie yeah he's had some stick on this program for stealing my cleaner he has um he's brilliant he's a brilliant jones bond i've decided oh and the tail the tailoring on the man well, the tailoring gives me particular joy because, I tell you what, he's moved into an area of muscular development where I don't think he looks that great in a suit anymore. Right.

Well, this is a problem for the worked out. No, but I love this. It's the rugby player in a suit thing. Yes! When they don't... A suit, a nicely cut suit, will mop the muscular, and that's what I love about suits. I think there's an argument that I look better in a suit than Daniel Craig.

Oh, Frank, don't be so ridiculous. I do, because a suit... You just said, I do. Really, seriously, I do. Because a suit really helps me, gives me a real padding around the shoulder and all that. It's an improvement, whereas with Craigie, it does look, it's a bit PG Tips advert. It's a bit, I'll go so far as to say, it's a bit close protection, isn't it?

It's a bit, I know what you mean. Sometimes he looks uncomfortable. No, he doesn't look, his calves are too well developed. You say too well developed. Yeah, well, so the trousers don't pull down properly. I think that navy blue one that he was wearing was a size too small. I thought that was the cut. So the trousers don't pull down properly. I think that navy blue one that he was wearing was a size too small. I think it was the cut. Now the man is expanding.

They need to sort out the costume. It's constantly. That navy blue one he was wearing. It was a really nice dark blue one, but it was too small. Too small. What about that woman next to me, Frank? She was tutting all the time. She was just, it was such an old reaction to a James Bond film.

She just, there'd be like some violent explosion and she'd go, Oh, oh, oh. Maybe she's gone off stunts. How can you go off stunts? I don't get it. I've just gone off them. I'll tell you what, there was one moment when... I mean, as we know, the important thing about being an audience

for any theatre play, whatever, is, you know, the willing suspension of disbelief. Yeah. And there was a bit where he's walking towards this, again, not a spy, he's walking towards to get this woman and a bloke we haven't really seen before at all just stands up and he just shoots him

and then just carries on with the thing. Just a complete, he hardly looks. And I said to Emily, I said, that bloke's got family. He did say that. And it's just been dismissed like that. Emily, I said, that bloke's got family. And it's just been dismissed like that. And you can't be having those thoughts in a Bond film. No.

But it really struck me, you can't be dismissive. If you're going to shoot people, okay, fine. But don't do it like, look at them, eye contact. It's like a handshake. Give them eye contact, for God's sake. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, er, yes, Spectre. Yes. What's not to like? If you like James Bond films, you've got to like this because it's got all the things. I did not like it. Yeah, it's got all the elements you need.

You know what, though? I am... The ladies' man thing. Yes. It is harder to take each film. Yeah. Speak for yourself. And again, on a spoiler's front, I can't really tell,

but the first woman who he who he gets close to seduces. You know, he meets her in quite odd circumstances and there's very little preamble. That's right, yeah. No, he hasn't got time for that. Yeah, I don't know. I think they should fight. You know that they've been going on

about a female Doctor Who for years? Yeah. Maybe a female James Bond is the way forward. Yeah. No. No? Terrible idea. I think it's a good one.

No, you see, you've got to have that. Nora Bond. Nora. I was listening to Heart this morning on the way in. Were you? Not deliberately. It was on the driver had it on. And they were saying that next year's

most popular Christian name for girls is almost, it's looking like it's going to be Nora. Right. How about that? You heard it here second. I don't know if I agree with you with this James Bond thing.

I mean, they are action films. I don't want to see some woman in a negligee saying, where is this going, James? That's not the point of it. He's in and out. You ever see women in negligees? It's in, like, Confessions of a Window Cleaner, when the wife comes out to the doorstep.

You know, I'm not being super PC about it. I just find it a bit weird. Maybe it's because you've never seen anything else now other than James Bond, do you? And life. Lothario-like behaviour James Bond, do you? And life. Lothario-like behaviour. Yeah, I don't see it in life. Lucky you.

No, not with my niece. But we saw it on the IMAX. That's always a bonus. Oh, did you? Oh, nice. I loved the IMAX. He kept saying, this is IMAX. You know when I used to go to the one at Waterloo in London?

And a bloke used to come out. There used to be a microphone at the side of the screen. And a man would come out and say, Welcome to IMAX, the biggest screen that Europe's ever seen. That was his intro to it. And then I went there, and one day, and he said, Welcome to IMAX, the biggest screen that Britain's ever seen. And he was, oh, there must be a new one built in Geneva.

Yeah, I bet Bond would have been there. He'd have watched it. Last time I went, he said, Welcome to IMAX. Can you see at the back? Is he all right? It was terrible, though. They were so proud of it. I mean, who goes to the cinema

and someone comes out and announces stuff at the beginning? Oh, I love that. Lovely. So, yes, we never do many film reviews, because I've only seen two films in the last year and a half. Moses and an expose on the Scientologists. Shall we... We should rate it in terms of maybe a bottle of Pernod rating system. I give it three bottles.

What's the top? Out of how many bottles of Pernod? Uh, five. Oh, OK. No, I give it four. I give it four. Yeah, I think you should give it four. I mean, I give it four and I've gone off stunts, so... Frank had gone off booze and he gave it four. Well, five bottles of perna, that was

a weekend. Um, I loved it. Yeah, I did. So I'm going all out. As Bond films go, I can't believe we're doing a film. I've gone very Mark Kermode and God knows I've marked a few commodes in my car.

But oh anyway some nice music. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We had a second social sharing thing Emily and me. On the social media or in real life?

No, in real life. Wow. You guys. We went, or as close as we get, we went to a Halloween party. Oh, yeah. We did, yeah. This is what all the talk was of just a week ago when you were both like, oh, I'm not telling him what I'm going as, and I'm not telling her what I'm going as.

Good impressions. I don't know why we actually need to be here. That's what you were like all last Saturday. All Voices by Alan Cockburn. Man of one voice. Yeah. Well, yes, in the end... Your costume was phenomenal.

I went as zombie Princess Leia. Did you? Yeah, the buns took a while. I went as zombie Princess Leia. Did you? Yeah, the buns took a while. I'll bet. What did you do with your hair? Oh, ow. And Frank, would you care to reveal your costume? I went as a grave.

Did you really? Yes. Is that it, full stop, a grave, not like a grave error? I had a coat that was made out of what I believe they call astroturf. I call it Greengrocer's grass. Nice. I had a coat made out of that and then a big tombstone head. Which looked incredible, but it was quite cumbersome.

It was quite Benedict Cumbersome when I was trying to have conversations with you. You'd go, what's that? You couldn't hear because your head was in the tombstone. It was quite cosy in there. That'd be, what's that? You couldn't hear because your head was in the tombstone. I quite, it was quite cosy in there. That'd be nice, actually. It was. Maybe you should take it to other parties where you don't quite want

to hear what people are saying to you. Well, it just gave me somewhere to shelter. Nice. I could see the lure of the veil. Sorry about that.

Because you are, you are just... I'd put Spanx on. You are just hidden away in there, you know, and it's nice and cosy. David Baddiel came as Fidel Castro. David Baddiel said to me, bear in mind I've got this grass coat, AstroTurf coat,

and the head on. And he said to me, have you come as a bear with a tombstone head? A bear? A green bear? David Baddiel said what he says every year, which is he comes rushing up and says, do you know who I've come as?

Do you know who I am? He had a very good Fidel Castro. Yeah, but he gets too obsessed by you recognising which character he is. Sometimes he's worn labels. I mean, it's not, strictly speaking, a Halloween character. If you're going to do just a fancy dress like Emily did, you've got to make them dead and wounded. Not just have somebody from contemporary politics.

Can I ask a possibly vulgar question? Did you buy these outfits yourself? Did you make them out of some leftover butcher's grass that you had? I actually did buy mine online. And then it was distressed, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. With the help of some friends.

Oh, that's good. And I had a hair and makeup artist. Lovely. A little bit of a late addition. I didn't have that. I didn't really need that with the tombstone on. I tell you what I did. I just went to a local stonemason.

No, I didn't. I was recording Room 101, so I asked the art department to do me a favour. Nice. So that was what I did. But it was... I'll tell you what I would like to know. Was Matt Berry there?

You know Matt Berry, the voice of Absolute Radio? Oh, Matt Berry. I believe he was. OK. Why? Well, because I have a memory of going... Did you think it was a man dressed as him? No.

It's a weird Halloween. Was it David Baddiel saying, do you know who I am? Wouldn't it be, do you know who I am? No, I... I may have gone up to Matt Berry. Oh, don't. Can I just walk out the room?

Because I feel sick. No, but this is... I actually would like to know... I'd like to know the answer to this. I think I went up to Matt Berry. What did you say, Frank? No, no, really. I said hello and stuff and he was slightly

unfriendly and a bit off with me. But I'm not 100% sure whether it happened or whether I dreamt it. No, he was there. Yeah, but that doesn't mean it happened. I might have just dreamt about Matt Berry being a bit unfriendly. If you were rude to Frank, Matt Berry, can you text in?

Yeah. On 8-12-15. Or if you were... Let's have this out on air. Or you can just call us down your IDSN line. Or if you were rude to somebody that you didn't know was Frank and you thought just was a talking grave, maybe that was the problem.

Maybe he didn't recognise you. This is the problem with Halloween. Yeah, yeah. I'm giving him the benefit. Heavens, at the 11th hour, I realised it was Martin Freeman and not some weirdo talking to me. No, the benefit is... Thank heavens!

I honestly might have dreamt it. I'm really not sure. The whole evening was slightly dreamlike. Very specialist interest dream. Yeah, it is. Well, if I did dream it, of course, that opens a whole new thing of why would I dream that? It's obviously some absolute radio insecurity

as he is the voice of absolute radio. I think he seems a nice man. I don't think he'd be rude to you. OK, but, you know, I dream about nice people. I can make them anything I want them to be. Well, now you're saying it's a dream. You said it actually happened. I don't know.

Make your mind up, Rob. No, I did not. I queried it from the start. I don't know if it happened or if it was a dream. There's only one happened. I don't know. Make your mind up, Rob. No, I did not. I queried it from the start. I don't know if it happened or if it was a dream. There's only one man who can clear this up. Text us on 812.g. Yeah, but what about if I dream he texts us?

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One last thing about the Halloween party is my girlfriend came over. Oh, my combo. My girlfriend came over to me. My wife's a big fan of yours. My girlfriend came over to me aghast and said,

oh, my God, Claudia Schiffer is wearing the same skin-tight robot suit that I wore last week. Thank, last year. So thank God I didn't wear it this year. I wouldn't be up against Claudia. I know. I actually thought she looked better than Claudia when she wore it, to be absolutely honest. Well, exactly. I mean, no complaints on the body.

It's as if Daniel Craig and me turned up in the same suits. What he'd be saying to Rachel Weisz. Yeah. Oh, no complaints on Robbie Fargo. It's as if Daniel Craig and me turned up in the same suits while he'd be saying to Rachel Weisz, Yeah. Oh, no. He'd say, You all right, Daniel? Yeah, I don't know what these things are doing. But Frank Skinner's wearing the same suit as me,

and he looks great in it. He's never going to say that, Frank. And I look like the Incredible Hulk at a wedding. With the intact jean button. Yes. Jean short. Yeah. I tell you, I saw, it's the advert that everyone's talking about.

Is it? The John Lewis advert. Oh, I've seen it, yeah John Lewis advert. Oh, yeah. I've seen it, yeah. Heard about it, though. I saw it. And, you know, if I look at anything on the internet and an advert comes on,

I don't get through the advert. I just think, well, I won't watch it then. You don't watch it now. This is one of the few things I've watched that didn't have an advert at the front of it. But it was an advert. It is an advert. So it was a bit...

Yeah, they don't put adverts before adverts. Well, they do once they're on the celly, don't they? Because they put them on in little clusters in between programmes. They do put them on in little clusters. You know what? I've never known. Now you come to mention it. That's the whole advert structure. That's probably why they call it the adverts.

Yeah, they do. Rather than the advert. Although you get that in sports sometimes. If there's a very little break between. Yeah, they do. Rather than the advert. You get that in sports sometimes. If there's a very little break between the overs, they just get one advert come on on its own. I'm sorry to interrupt this. However, 612 has texted to say, long-time reader, and then some praise. Listening this morning, there seems to be a social divide

as Miss M and Frank are out at parties watching films etc. And this all comes as a surprise to Alan. Can Alan and Frank maybe share a social situation in the future please? That's from David. The problem is I love Alan but he lives in Manchester so it's

there is certain practical problems with us socialising. Hey next time I'm hanging out in London, killing time between gigs, we'll take in an art gallery or a... That'd be lovely. Or, you know, we'll go to a party or something. I'd love to do that.

We could look at some pigeons. I've never heard such an insincere exchange in my life. Really? How long have you been in entertainment? Stroll around a bookshop, that sort of stuff. Oh, I love strolling around a bookshop. Yeah, I was thinking of stuff that you'd like. Yeah, I think that's good of you.

So, have you seen the John Lewis advert? I haven't, no, but I understand there's a cover of a song I like. It's an Oasis song, isn't it? Have you not seen... Oh, it's moving, the ad. Did you find it moving? I found it, um, odd. Is it real people or is it animation? It's a man.

Well, it's not real people. It's an old man who looks a bit like he's got cataracts and he lives on the moon. Yeah, they love that. You know when they get a milky eye in later life? Yeah, they love a milky. Well, they love that on television because that says age instantly, just like that.

I think in their spotlight entry they put that on. Can do accents, love some horse riding and milky eye. Milky eye. They get more work. Milky iPhone is the thing I'm brought out for the pages. So, briefly, a young girl is looking through a telescope and looks at the moon, goes into an incredible close-up of the moon. I don't know if you can get it.

I mean, it's like she must be at Jodrell Bank. Right. I mean, I don't know. Is she on the hobble? But anyway, she sees a little old man walking around on his own on the moon. Can I say lovely crib on that moon? What is that? It's a shack.

It's no more than a lunar shack. Oh, you don't understand. It's lovely New England, very Hamptons chic. So is it like a rip-off of The Martian? Is that what they're doing? I haven't seen The Martian. All right. Sounds very similar.

So it's an old man who lives on the moon with no breathing apparatus. Really? No, he's just wandering about. So I's an old man who lives on the, with no breathing apparatus. Really? No. He's just wandering about. So I don't know what, I mean he's not, he's humanoid in appearance but he can't be. You know that thing we were talking about earlier about the willing suspension of disbelief? Yes, but

what I'm wondering if... Does it apply to afterwards? Yeah, but his eye's been affected by it, clearly, because he's milky. I'm wondering, well perhaps he's been looking at the Milky Way. Or he's looking in the Milky Way. But he, roomy they call it, don't they? Yeah. He's got a roomy eye.

Right. But anyway, I wondered if it was like a dead grandparent motif to suggest, you know, the dead grandparent's gone away but they're still out there. And of course, in the modern secular society we can't have heaven, we have to put him somewhere we can actually physically see so he's on the moon.

I'm still angry about Bonfire Night. I'm furious about Bonfire Night. You know what I call this? His bonfire shouty screamies. He gets them every year. Get him out of your system. It'll be Christmas soon. I love it. I'm writing a drama where I'm called James Bonfire.

And I come around avenging the anti-trafficking. Looking infinitely better in a suit. Exactly. Well, I'll be dressed as a bonfire, is what I was thinking of. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show through the Absolute Radio website. Well done. Thank you again.

No notes required. Come on! The other thing about that John Lewis ad... Can I just say that during that last song, Frank made me watch the John Lewis advert on YouTube in what I think was possibly the most I'm the boss and you're a staff member moment since I joined this show.

I'd say as more of a proactive friend. A well-wisher. Aren't you glad you watched it now? I'm glad I watched it, yeah. You could join in now. I mean, I'm confused by it. I'm not going to lie. I do think it is like a watered-down version of The Martian.

We went to Spectre together. We went to Halloween together. we went to halloween together i don't want us to know just have watched the john lewis oh that's a good point you're being alienated yeah yeah no pun intended on the moon to say i think that child a little bit of a monstrous ego i mean what does she give this man a telescope so he can see her. I mean, come on, how arrogant is that? How did she get it there? That's like when someone gives them a framed photo of themselves.

Well, yeah, monstrous ego, not allied to a particularly scientific mind. She starts off by throwing paper aeroplanes at the moon. I mean, that's... I know that. It's poetic, but wholly impractical. Yeah. And apparently her father was a dream boy. Eh? I just read in the Daily Star this morning.

Is that right? Her father was one of the dream boys, an erotic dancer. I don't think of them having children. I remember I played... What? The Civic Centre in Thorough. He's worked with them all.

I sense there's a work with them all story coming. I've worked with the Chippendales. I've never worked with the Wonderboys. I thought it was going to be my backing man let me down, but the Dreamboys, they were available. Ow, when you are close. Was it Dreamboys or Wonderboys? What were they called? I don't know. It's not my area. It's very much your area.

I can see you cackling in the front row. That is so on me. You couldn't have got me more wrong. Dream Boys, that's what they were called, I think. Right. Dream Boys, I called them. So I played in Thorough. I got, it was something

like a 1200 seater. I got about 800. You said our Dreamboys. Dreamboys filled it last night. That's a low point. I bet they do. I realised he was pointing at Shamileth opposing pouch in the wings.

Oh, right. You're disgusting. Wouldn't say that's disgusting. There's something beautiful about that. So, yeah. Anyway. So what about that? And now his daughter's communicating with spectral figures on another planet.

Yeah. It's a funny old world, isn't it? Isn't it? We've had a few people texting saying, oh, the advert's message is to think of old and vulnerable people at Christmas. Well, you couldn't be more vulnerable than being on the moon without any breathing apparatus. He would have exploded.

I think he'd explode, wouldn't he? Would he implode? I think he'd perish fairly rapidly. Especially when it's an older man as well. I mean, they can't take a sturdy bout of flu. He's on the lunar landscape without any equipment. Yeah. That's about thinking about the elderly.

Yeah, yeah. I think it was created with Age UK. We've come a long way from 15 bottles of milk outside the door. No, it's telescope. Put the music on. Okay, okay. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together,

The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I will say this though, the advert with the moon doesn't quite match up to the song, does it? Because it's the cover of Oasis, I Would Like To Leave This City, and the song goes half a world away, doesn't it?

Which is Australia. Is that half a world away or is that the whole world away? Australia. Half a world away would be the core, the Earth's core, if you were going towards Australia. Yeah, of course. Arguably. If we're going subterranean, like Arnie Satmunsen.

I'm not joining in this conversation. It's very on me. The moon. What I would say is that... A whole world away. Yeah, but they haven't got Norgallagher, have they? No. They've gone for the breathy Norwegian.

But he'll get the ka-ching off it, won't he? He'll do all right, won't he? Oh, he's having a big old turkey, old noly. A few quid, yeah. I bet they pay well as well, JL. Yeah. Aye? Never knowingly underpaid.

No, exactly. No, it's undersold. He got that gig because he's called Noel. Do you think he is? Oh, yeah, he's very Christmassy. I hadn't even thought of that. Good point. That's why.

Imagine if you have to have a Christmas-themed name. What about if it's been Noel Edmonds? He probably does think there are old people living on the moon with no breathing apparatus. He wouldn't question it for a second. Yeah, I read Noel's big interview this week. He gives good interviews. He does, yeah.

He's the master. He's brilliant. He knows what he's doing. Do you think so? Because other people would say that he's somewhat unfiltered in his opinion giving which I like, I like it a lot if you're going to interview these people can I just say Frank, I would say you're in that school

Frank delivers on the interview front give a good quote, everyone's happy thank you, goodnight I deliver interviews and if you see 12 interviews outside an old person's house near you... No, but there aren't many who do that. No, you're quite right. People just turn up. What are they thinking about?

Yeah, he called Harry Styles boring, didn't he? Harry Styles. He said fame's wasted on him because he's boring. I was thinking he should have met me. Oh, my God. I'd put him right to sleep. Well, I would say that Harry Styles is used for one of its main purposes.

Yes, totally. I remember a mate saying to me that celebrity was wasted on me. Because I had failed to pursue Kate Garriger at a party. He said, well, did you... Who's Kate Garriga?

You know, isn't she called... Kate Garraway. Kate Garraway, then. I'm thinking of Noel Gallagher. I know you are. And, um... As long as it's not Noel Edmonds. Yeah, Kate Garraway.

What's the worrying thing is I said the wrong name, but Daisy laughed anyway. That's the great thing about having staff. So, yes, Kate Garroway. I said I was talking to Kate Garroway at the party. He said, you know, did you try and get... I said, no, not at all. And he said, oh, celebrity's wasted on you.

So, yeah, what a thing to be reprimanded. I mean, she's very lovely, Kate Garroway, don't get me wrong. But who do you think I am? James Bond, 007? 007. Certainly not. I'll tell you one thing I've always admired about her. And I think he says it like it's a Birmingham number.

Yeah, yeah. One, two, one. Yeah. He's always had a very good hairline, Noel Gallagher. Oh. Yeah, he has. Same hairdresser as me, can I just say. Is that right?

Harry Styles looks like an adult film star who's lost a lot of weight, is what he looks like now. He's got, like, a big, um, lustrous mane combed back. Harry Styles? No, I've told you, he's, uh, mum on the school run in West 11. I think you get to a level of fame where you think, I can just look any way I like, no any stupid way. But Noel's always had the very low...

My hairline, as you know, is... This is how people will look in the 25th century. The way my head is. Anyway. Yeah, whereas I think me and Noel and Daniel Craig could put together quite a good The Ascent of Man tableau. Uh-huh. Maybe I should suggest that for children in need.

Oh, you can have clothes on, though. They're naked in those, aren't they? No, we need enough clothes on. I think for children in need, it's all right to get naked. OK. Yeah, it's all right to get naked. OK. Yeah. It's all in a good cause. Because I'd rather do that than wear a nylon wig

and one of those outsized T-shirts. Carry a bucket. Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, we're talking about Noel. Yeah. Oh, yes. Noel Garraway. Yeah. Oh, yes. Noel Garraway. And he was also saying... Something about not only a good hairline, but he's made it can carry off a cagoule. Yes.

He looks lovely in a cagoule. He sort of looks fashionable in a cagoule. Solid in a parka, yeah, yeah. He's got a very good... American-style bomber jacket. You can do all... Lovely eyes. All the different jackets.

Weird. Has he got lovely eyes? Oh, lovely blue. Yeah. He's been saying that he could play the new James Bond sidekick. He said he'd just need a few months in the gym. From what Frank says, he wouldn't need any time in the gym. Apparently he'd look better than Daniel Craig in a suit.

Just chuck the suit on, ready. I'm not sure Bond really has a sidekick. I think he's got that a bit wrong. I hate it when celebrities start toting for work in iconic productions. Yeah. People do that with Doctor Who and stuff. I've heard of that. You should have seen the producer's face when you did that, Frank.

She had her mouth open and she was wielding a biro at you. It was obviously self-mockeries. It was self-mockery, that's what it was. Very allowable. But you're right, Bond doesn't have a sidekick, and if he did, I don't think he would be called, as Noel Gallagher said, Dave Bond, because that would just lead to confusion, wouldn't it?

Because when they were all in the office, they'd be going, where's Bond? Well, which one do you mean, James or Dave? It'd be a nightmare. I know, they've got the numbers thing. It's like this show, you can always just use the numbers. Also, Al, what are the chances of him having a sidekick and friend who he's choosing to go around and do his adventures with?

He shares a surname. Yeah. It's silly. Well, it'd be like Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes. They could be brothers who just both went into sort of that kind of work. That line of work. Maybe. He does have a sidekick.

His sidekick is whichever beautiful woman he's talking about. That's not a sidekick. That's a friend with benefits. Yeah. He doesn't crack open the brewskis, you know. It's not Turner and Hooch. And until this film, the female sidekicks have typically lasted about a third of a movie, haven't they, before they perish? Spoilers.

Until this film, I said. Yeah. But we're not talking about this film. OK. We're not talking about this film, are we? Because we don't do spoilers, do we? No. You know, whenever I drive past a car with a spoiler on it now, I say spoiler alert to my wife. So that's the advantage of living in Manchester. You can drive past a car with spoilers on them.

Oh, you could if you got on a motorway. So that's the advantage of living in Manchester. You can drive past a car with spoilers on them. Oh, you could if you got on a motorway. The trouble is with motorways, people drive so fast, don't you think? All right, Grandad. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Mark Evans has tweeted us. Not Mark Evans.

No. He says, Please stop talking about Bond. I listen to you every Saturday and have to keep switching to Arrival Station as I've not seen it yet. But we... That whole approach has been very careful

to give nothing away. I've said he's getting too big to be in a suit, muscular-wise. That's not going to spoil it for anyone. We might have suggested that there are women in it. Yeah, there are women, and there's a bit of action. I've given away that there are stunts, and I apologise to you, Evans-er. And Frank said

that he shot someone without compassion. Yeah, but that doesn't give any... It does that every film as well. All of those things that we've just said could describe any Bond film, I think. Yes. Why don't you just trust us? Don't give me that, that's why I've gone off to... Yeah, we've all heard that one before. The thing is, I thought you'd gone off me, and that's

why, you know, when I was at work, we were working late, one thing led to another, yeah. Yeah, and when you were with me, were you thinking of that rival channel? So, anyway, email corner. Let's not be aggressive to this one. No, I'm glad he sent it.

Is there anything else from the outside world? Thanks for your correspondence, Mark. Yes, Richard. Oh, my tummy just rumbled. Round of applause, everyone. Marble talk. Thank you. Richard Long has tweeted us to say the existence of Dave Bond would explain why 007 always

introduces himself as Bond James Bond. Of course! That is a good point. I was taught by a Dave Bond in the past, so I know a Dave Bond. OK. And I don't think... I mean, I don't think they're looking for, like, acting tutors to work in MI... Is it six or five?

Who is it that he works for? That's not a spoiler, is it? Six. What about when Adrian Charles nearly worked for them? Yeah, they approached him. Oh, I don't believe that. What did they say? All right, sir, have you got any jobs going in MI5?

They wanted Adrian to work for them because their scramble unit had broken and they thought that he'd just be able to give messages and foreign people wouldn't be able to understand it. They genuinely did approach him. Yeah, they did. Is that generally known? We're not exposing him.

If we're exposing you, I apologise. He's done interviews, he has. If he's blown apart by an assassin this afternoon... I'll send lovely flowers. I'm going to feel pretty bad about it. Oh, God. I'm going to feel pretty bad about it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to the one with me?

What happened to my email corner jingle? Oh, yeah, sorry. Don't get beggy-beggy, dog. Talk about getting frozen out. That's the neediest thing you've ever done. All right, you two were probably talking about the email corner jingle at the party last week, weren't you? No, we started. Oh, we were doing that last night?

When we were hanging out with our new friend Slash from Guns N' Roses? I was thinking about it while I was watching John Lewis. Knee by gun, knee by gun, knee by gun, mail corner. There you go. And I have an email. It's all gone a bit Kenny Everett now. It's just jingle pon jingle. Hello all.

I was listening to an old podcast recently. This isn't me, by the way. I'm reading. I was listening to an old podcast recently. That's it with the actors. You can't tell whether it's their words or someone else's. Amazing first time quality I've got to it. And Frank was explaining the Skinner effect, unofficial name. It's the phenomenon of standing in the sand.

Thank you. Thank you. Standing in the sand whilst the tide goes out and you feel like you are going backwards. I explained this to my boyfriend, who nodded and seemed to understand what I was talking about. I, however, wasn't convinced, so I asked him again and he revealed that he had no idea what this phenomenon was

and had never experienced it. When I asked him why he lied, he just replied, to stop you going on about it, which led me to the question, have any of the team ever pretended to understand something and consequently been found out? Or even better, can they reveal on the show what they have lied about not understanding? No praise at all.

And that's from Laura Jackson. i like the sound of laura jackson i think she has all the credentials of becoming a git i love lj doubt that he understood her and then um then she got then she asked him why he'd lied i like that i love it once it's like colombo once you're on the once you're on their tail he just terrorized them what worries me about this is i feel the relationship could end at any time now i do i agree with you he's threatened by her intelligence it's all gone a bit the husband in educating rita oh know, she's come back, she's got this excitement. Found a better song to sing, have you, Rita? Exactly. Oh, no. Well, I feel partly responsible.

Anyway, it's best to find out now. So, um... Yes, I do always lie about understanding things. Do you? When the man sold me my Benz, I, uh... Yes, I call it that. He spent, I'd say say between 13 to 16 minutes explaining the sat nav to me

oh he talked me through the entire thing we sat in the car it's quite intimate doing that isn't it little hawks and i nodded and i said oh i see oh god that's so clever that's brilliant oh my god really and then i said so does that how do you turn it on again? He looked so withering. I mean, I felt for him. Those blokes, I always want to know those blokes, when they do that, sit in the car, explain. How many people say, oh, I love that smell of the new car.

I love post-service car when sometimes you get it and they've left the plastic bag on the seat. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that. Maybe a little bit of paper on the footwell. I've still got that new smell. Nice. Yeah, it's nice.

It's a nice feeling. Yeah. I'll be absolutely honest. I have never really got to grips with absolute radios. No repeat guarantee. What does it mean? What is the timescale on that? What are they actually promising?

They're not going to repeat a song. Is it forever? No, it's between certain hours of the day. It's like peak time, like nine till five or... So it's just that during that period... Ten till something. See, you're struggling. Yeah, but...

Nobody knows what it means. I understand the principle, not the detail. No, the principle is we won't play the same song twice. Yeah. Already an erroneous idea because, I don't know, when I bought a new... In the days of vinyl, and I used to buy 45s,

there was a thing called leaving the arm up, and if you left the arm up on your record player, it would just keep playing. And that's what I want from a song I like. It's like the fall said, the three R's, repetition, repetition and repetition. So, A, I don't know the basis behind it, B, I don't know what the guidelines are. Yeah.

I don't think it applies to us on Saturday. Does it not? No, so you could play the same song again and again and again. That's a bit of sin relief. Are we meant to do the no repeat guarantee days? Look, I love this station. Hang on a second, I'll check this whole print. I bring my contract with me every week.

It's just right here. Maybe the listeners will know They won't, nobody knows I don't think anyone knows It's like the citizens charter The no repeat guarantee To repeat it now It's repeated

Despite the no repeat guarantee But I don't know what it's promising me and whether I'm at all lured in by it. Anyway, I was just asked what I didn't understand. That was it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. What about Jill from The Wirral?

Oh, yeah. She's texted us. Hi, Frank. I'm a proddy married to a Catholic. OK. I hate bonfire night. I also work in a Catholic school, and I promise you Catholics do celebrate bonfire night with relish,

so obviously they have let it go. Great show. Oh, sorry about the praise. Thank you, Jill from the Wirral. Jill, I call her. Do you? Yeah. I love the praise. Thank you, Jill from the Wirral. Jiral, I call her. Do you? Yeah. I love a portmanteau, Jill.

Maybe that's what I should do every bonfire night. I should go out to my balcony amidst the screaming fireworks and sing Let It Go. Let it go, let it go. You'll be pleased to see we've also got conclusive proof of the no-repeat guarantee, which I think may... Somebody does understand it. Yeah, I mean, I think it may be riddled with error, but let's go for it.

That is from our boss, isn't it? We've had an email entitled, no-repeat guarantee, mystery solved, exclamation mark. The no-repeat guarantee, you won't hear the same song twice between 9am and 6pm. We hate repeats, they're medically bad for you you and they're the last thing you need at work while you're engaging in a result-driven core business singing from the same hymn sheet and chasing a moving target. Listening to the same songs over and over again. A result-driven core business, I love!

Same songs over and over again was proved in a recent study to reduce your workplace effectiveness by around 34%. That's why we've committed to never repeat a song on Absolute Radio between 9 and 6. This is from Absolute Radio. No, I think it's someone that's made it up. So you can get through your workday without the same annoying song drilling into your brain. Tell your colleagues there's a solution to the workplace repetition. The no-repeat guarantee, stick it on at work,

and then there's an asterisk, we made this up, and then double asterisk, we made this up too, which is for the 34% and the other stats. I'm not sure... Charlie, the assistant producer, can I ask you, does it start at, is it from nine till six? Oh, this is so Chris Evans. Ten, I think it starts from nine till six.

You see, nobody knows. Charlie thinks it's ten. I tell you, this is often the case when you say, I'm sorry, I don't understand something. You realise that nobody does. I will often say to people, if they use a word in a sentence I don't know, which often isn't that

often, I will say to them, I don't know what that word means. And often they'll look at me, first of, look at me thinking, is he being a git again? But often they will falter and they're not sure what it means either. So it's always good to...

Well, I had this with Daisy when I mentioned that I didn't know what the men who stand on the pavements with a yellow tripod, what are they doing? You know those men, you walk past them. And they're measuring. She laughed at me, but I don't think she knew either. I said, what do they do

there? What are they doing there? I always sit there looking through people's windows. Maybe they're looking at old men on the moon. Do you know those tripod men, though? Yeah. No, but I went to a school this week. I was looking at schools for my son.

And they said that you had to attend the local Anglican church to go to the thing. And I said that means my son can't come to this school because of the Reformation. And the woman looked at me and said if I was being a git. But in fact I don't think she knew what the Reformation was. What about that?

What I say about that is good luck getting into that school now. Well exactly. I'm glad you've raised the prospect of you occasionally being slightly gittish, because we've had an email that I think is being a bit gittish back to you. It's titled, No Repeat Guarantee.

Does this guarantee extend to Frank's Brit story or his appearance on Doctor Who? Yeah. If not, can a clause be added? No, absolutely that I will not, under any circumstances. And no comic should agree to a no repeat guarantee.

In fairness with the Brit story, you are the villain of your own anecdote. Well, yeah, I'm the victim, man. We've also had a text in from Mark who says, Morning, Frank. Having a meal with family on Halloween night, I caught sight of students dressed appropriately for the occasion. Grim Reaper and Bloody Doctor, etc. I took a double take. As another walked past the restaurant,

it was a Halloween banana. Hashtag have a word with yourself, mate. Mark. I mean, I agree with him about these bananas and oranges, etc. Would you have been happy if it had been a zombie banana? Yeah. I think that's fair enough. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Someone reminded me of the day of an example of my high church Gittishness when we sat at a table with Mick Hocknell at the thing, and I started singing, do you know that hymn? Rich is I, he not nor man's empty

praise. And he said to me oh it's funny, just sing that, because I was thinking of maybe using the melody lines of that to write, to create a new song. And I said no you weren't you've just heard me singing it, and then you've thought of it as a result of me singing it and now you're pretending it's something you've thought of

before. Why would you alienate Hartnell? I know, well, I didn't mean to. I just, I'm very interested in... I mean, that's an enemy you could do without. You know what I like? I like the facts. OK?

OK with that? Sorry, Mick, if you're listening. No hard feelings. Extraordinary apology. Actually, am I sorry? No. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on on the radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. We have had emails and texts and tweets. Emails are plenty. Who would have thought Frank's, I'm going to use the word rant, about

I don't think it was a rant. Oh, for a second I thought you were a shock jock, the way you were taking apart the no repeat guarantee. We were asked to confess things that we pretend we understand that we don't really understand. I had sat nav, Frank with no repeat guarantee. We were asked to confess things that we pretend we understand that we don't really understand. I had sat nav. Frank had no repeat guarantee. Oh.

And you really don't. John, Al, he emailed in to say, Morning, gang, it took me two clicks to surf through Absolute's website to find confirmation that it's from 10 till 5. Come on. However, just to confuse matters... Can I just stop you there? I don't... Charlie has just gone out

and asked Ross Williams, and it's not from 10 till 5, it's from 9 till... 6. 9 till 6. We're trusting Ross. I mean, I love Ross. As far as you matter, I keep clicking. Nobody knows. Do carry on, Emily. I'd like to hear the rest of this missive.

You're a witness. Nobody knows. Do carry on, Emily. I'd like to hear the rest of this, missive. You're a witness. Nobody knows. However, just to confuse matters, you're about to run a competition to play one repeat through the day that we listeners have to catch. Oh. That does seem confusing.

£1,000 you can win, by the way, if you spot a repeated song. Thanks for that. Not anecdotal. John continues. I don't know quite what the time schedule is on it. John continues. Yeah. Maybe if you guys didn't spread your work around so much, you'd be able to concentrate on Absolute's

current policies more. Hey, come on, John! God, art programmes don't present themselves, John. He's got to spread his work around. Fashion magazines aren't going to produce themselves. Yeah. I've got shows to go to. Function rooms in comedy clubs need comics.

I've got international representation. I don't actually use it, but I've got it if I ever need it. Yeah. And I've got a family. I can't survive off three hours of commercial radio a week. Well, no, can I? How am I going to buy my Benz doing this? of commercial radio a week.

How can I? How am I going to buy my Benz doing this? I feel John's pain in the non-understanding of the concept. Yeah. But come on, John, don't take it out on us. You know, we've got families to support and posh cars. Well, maybe we should switch it. I have another email here that's entitled, No Repeat Guarantee. I think you may enjoy this, Frank.

I'm not going to call him gittish, but I'll leave it there. Stupid idea, in my opinion. I like him so far. Would be a far better thing if they made a rule not to play the same track by a group for seven days. So many great songs out there, yet, for example... I like it out there. So many great songs out there. They're all, he's right.

Anyway. She, or she. For example, The Stranglers. If they play them, it's nearly always Golden Brown, or just a couple of others. Or Joy Division, it's always Love Will Tear Us Apart. A quick search, Love Will Tear Us Apart has been played three times since Tuesday. Having a no-repeat guarantee where you listen five days in a row

and every day they still seem to play the same songs is pointless. That's that. No name. Wow. Okay. Yeah. That'll be from someone who's been fired recently. And we're assumed to join them, no doubt.

No, exactly. We carry on like this. Can I establish, I love this channel, I love the playlist. I love the bosses. Brackets, not police, close brackets, but I do. I love the playlist here and all I was saying, I wasn't criticising the channel. I was just saying I don't understand.

I'm calling it the channel, call it the station. Oh, the station. Sorry, sorry, I used to be on television. Yeah, I'm just saying I don't understand. Okay, Mick Clark has tweeted us to say that hymn, what a tune. Hope the no repeat guarantee is not

in effect today. Oh, yes. Well, actually, I sang that bit of a hymn and then Emily pulled me up the lyrics. I did. Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy. I used to sing that in my... But I think, obviously, Richie's I heed not nor man's empty praise is the bit that's stuck in my mind.

Funny that. Especially after the Brits. I know, it was deliberate. But I think that might come later in the song. OK. How do you? On that note, at Keith Fan says,

best Mick Hocknell anecdote ever, hashtag Frank is a git. Well, that's lovely. I'm now introduced to the no police guarantee. Would they be all right with that? Oh, I should know. Don't get me wrong, they're tremendous.

Moving on. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did ye see... A four-year-go? Did you see the story about Serena Williams? Because I think you're a fan of hers, aren't you, Frank? Yes.

Is she one of yours? I think she is. She's... I think she's a bit of hers, aren't you, Frank? Yes. Is she one of yours? I think she is. She's, uh... I think she's a bit of a stunner. Awesome. If you don't mind me saying. Is it all right to say that nowadays? She's not just a stunner. She's got one of those, um, faces

that looks fairly ordinary, and then she smiles. Yes. And suddenly the world's a better place. Like me, in many ways, yeah. I don't know you. I'm still waiting. She's not just a stunner, she's a superhero, officially.

Because... Self-appointed, though. Yes, self-appointed, because she was in a restaurant in San Francisco. A man came past her table and stole her phone. Did she leave it? Did she buffalo, to quote you, Frank? Yeah. She ran off to the thief. I've actually seen the video footage, CCTV, have she leave it? Did she buffalo, to quote you, Frank? Yeah. She ran off

to the thief. I've actually seen the video footage, CCTV. Have you seen it? I've seen it as well. Alan? Have you seen it? I haven't seen it. He hasn't got telly yet. Um, well, it, hmm. Go on. I've read about it, though.

Say what you see, Lloyd. She approached the man. She did. Chased him, didn't she? And she said, excuse me, I think you might have picked up the wrong phone. Which I think is, like, I suspect that the psychology experts would say that she's done exactly the right thing there, whether or not she's read a book on it, because she's given him a way out. I'll tell you what she hasn't read.

Any books with superheroes in them. Right, yeah, yeah. You just don't get that. Hey, Penguin! Oh, Batman! I think you may have picked up the world's largest diamond from an exhibition

at Gotham State Hall, but accidentally. Oh, it was so confusing in there, Batman! I mean, that just doesn't happen. Did you catch Oh, it was so confusing in there, Batman. I mean, that just doesn't happen. Did you catch him, Batman? Yeah, apparently the whole thing was a mix-up. Really?

Really, Batman? Yeah. She said, I know what you mean. I mean, he did, in fact, he did say that. He said, his response was, I'm sorry it was just too confusing in that restaurant. Yeah. But I know that feeling.

Oh, come on. Well, we don't know that he stole it. Frank, she had her phone on the table. What did he think? He thought he'd left his phone on her table. Well, I mean, the CCTV was in black and white, but he didn't look very thievish. He looked like the bloke from The Moon.

He looked like Larry David. He did look too old to do a runner with somebody's phone and he had sort of microsoft chinos on yeah that's why i think he looked like a man who could be confused oh come on so she's building herself up she's basically picking on some poor old bloke who got bewildered in a in an eating house but she's saying that you you know, this should inspire people and that we can all be superheroes. She said, fight for what's right, stand for what you believe in. Yes, well, I like that as a general rule, but can I say Absolute Radio is not suggesting

that you become have-a-go heroes. No. Because that's how you lose parts of your face. Yes, this is true. So do be careful. I'm just amazed that people are still stealing mobile phones. What is he, some sort of retro chick?

He got outside and he was prized a VW badge off a car and did some happy slapping. I mean, is that still a regular thing, the phones? What, the phone fest? Someone tried to steal mine not long ago.

So, 2010. Yeah, men on motorbikes. Oh, my goodness. Also, she calls herself a superhero, but she just chased the guy. I would quite like there to have been some kind of, like, USP. And she's a tennis player. What I would have really liked is for him to run off and her to jump into the kitchen

and pick up, like, a lightweight frying pan and maybe some big potatoes and like tennis serve right on the back of his head he gets a minor concussion and she just picks up her phone and walks back in. That would have been awesome, wouldn't it? I'd like to have seen it though. She's a dynamic

figure, Serena. She claims she got a standing ovation when she walked back into the restaurant. But no, she probably does that anyway. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what, I, um, incredibly, over the years,

I, I had, I met, um, David Tennant before he was Doctor Who. Oh, yeah. Um, but obviously I wasn't so excited. Right. He's a lovely man, isn't he? It's not like me to leave things to the last minute.

No. But, I mean, he was a Scottish actor when I met him, not the 10th. Not the Doctor. But he did Room 101 on this last series. Oh, yeah. So I got to meet him proper, which I've got to say. How did you find it? Well, you know,

I am a bit of a fanboy at heart and when you meet somebody like that, sort of, you know, somebody who's, certainly someone who's been the doctor, but generally in life, someone who you're I'm not ashamed of the fact that of the fanboy factor. Some people like to very much, oh, you know, they're just people

but if I meet someone, like a celeb, sports person, who is, you know, I'm excited. I get, I tell you what, I feel like I'm being ever so slightly tickled when I meet them. Right. Just a little.

Yes. Yeah. But you admit that and I like that. Did you giggly? I did get, I got a bit skittish. Right. He does. I did.

I was, I'm not going to play it down. I walked into the rehearsal and there was David Tennant. And yeah, I did. I felt like I was being slightly tickled. That's nice. Yeah, it was exciting. I had my first instinct. I remember when the Rolling Stones were raided for,

there was an enormous drugs raid on their house in the 60s, and Donovan was there, you know Donovan, the English folk singer? Oh, yeah. And he was, when they went in, he was completely naked, and he jumped onto a policeman's back and held on so tightly they couldn't get him off. I did think that was a thought that crossed my mind. Could I get away with doing that? But I thought, well, he's doing Have I Got News For You,

so I think I'd be noticed over his shoulder. Yeah, he'd look like he'd got a really weird Frank Skinner backpack. Yeah, he'd look like a mutant ninja turtle. So, yeah, so he was on Room 101. Lovely. He put in Capaldi Eccleston. Oh, no. No, he didn't.

And Matt Smith, which I thought was a bit vicious, but, you know, you can't argue with those people. No, he didn't really. He didn't. No, but it was... He's charming, isn't he? It's just, occasionally I'll meet... I mean, obviously, they're often Doctor Who

involved, but I'd properly get excited about it. I know you do, I've seen you. When you described him off there, you were really suffering from a man crush. You kept talking about how good looking he was. He had, Frank had mentionitis.

Didn't you? It's gorgeous this. Describes what he was wearing and everything, didn't you? He did. He looked so nice. He looked fit. He's got lovely blue eyes. He's talking about his twinkly eyes.

Brown eyes. No, but respect. I mean, if he came to it, you know, if it was the end of the night and there's him in one corner of the party and Jürgen Klopp in the other, I'd have to klop it. Oh, would you? He's my big man crush at the other. I'd have to klop it. Oh, would you? He's my big man crush at the moment. Is he? Yeah.

Jurgen Klopp, in case you don't know, is the manager of Liverpool FC. Yeah. Oh, he's such a dish. I don't know what is with the klop, but... LAUGHTER Yes, I'd like to... I have this thing about giving him a haircut.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to... I have this thing about giving him a haircut. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to clip-flop. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to bring a story to your attention, Mr Skinner, and, well, particularly, I think it will be news that you will appreciate. Liverpool is set to become the first city to open

fast walking lanes. You've long been a fan of pedestrian racing. Indeed. But now they're going to have... It would be handy if I was pursuing Jurgen Klopp. I'd be shocked. What's going on about Jurgen Klopp? It's Liverpool. I know. It does link.

I know, but come on. Calm yourself. Every minute he mentions it. Yeah, if it's not him, it's David Tennant. He's changed. Well, you can't talk about women like that anymore, so I've had to just... You say with a certain note of regret in your voice. Yeah, don't you?

There's a certain note of regret. It's not like the old days. No. You can talk about me like that. I couldn't care less. That wouldn't be right not with a colleague colleague the research conducted by argos revealed that shoppers hate this is where i found it problematic as well wow well you know when you hear about people in

research centers and stuff like that, or people you fund research. I don't know, Argos, what have they got? Some sort of laboratory. Where are you working at the moment? I'm in the Argos lab. Argos research unit. It's amazing, I've got a great job there, I love it. And also Argos sponsoring a thing that's meant to save

us time during retail. The shop that wastes more retail time than any other, because you put your order in and then you sit around while they get it from out back. That is something I don't understand as well. How to order things in Argos. I went in there once. There was a very

betting shop style by-road. And I did not understand anything and I just walked out. There was a magazine. There were pens hanging off strings. It looked like a doctor's waiting room. I know, it was a bit like putting a bet on is the experience. You're punching a code and then you wait while somebody drives around

the forklift truck out back and then 15 minutes later... There was a machine that you're meant to put numbers in. Yeah. And they've got the gall to tell us to walk quicker. It's like the old catalogue club, but all done in one. Yeah. I've got a soft spot for Argos, I must admit. Me too.

A lot of these people, it's the only time they pick up a book. So, yes, in case you don't know, the background to this, I often used to talk on the show about pedestrian racing. So I like to walk fast when I'm out walking. I don't mean like when I'm out walking on a country path. I mean just down the road. And I would spot someone in the distance and think I'm going to catch them up and overtake them.

And I was never quite sure whether they knew or not. Sometimes you'd be shoulder to shoulder for like three or four minutes trying to get past as they accelerated. But yeah, I did this all the time. Yes. I'll tell you what I do think we need to implement is pedestrian hand signals.

You know, like some cyclists do that up and down arm to indicate that they're slowing down. Yeah, I don't know what that means. That was something. When they do that. It's in the highway code, mate. But I think... Is anyone listening to this show,

is there anyone listening who read the highway code even a second after they passed their test? I mean, you do sign a contract to renew your highway code knowledge every year. Do you? You sign a contract with that? Yeah, it's your driving licence. I never signed that.

It's your driving licence. Is that what it is? I should have told me on that speed awareness course. Oh, I love that you've remembered that. Yeah, I've remembered driving licence. I never signed that. It's your driving licence. Is that what it is? They told me on that speed awareness course. Oh, I love that you've remembered that. Yeah, I've remembered everything. I loved it. It's like clicking agree on terms and conditions. Exactly.

It's totally that. When have you ever understood terms and conditions? Well, who's ever read them? T's and C's, I call them. I could have signed up all my house and everything away. What about when they make you listen on the phone when you're buying something? I'm just going to read some things here to you.

I'll ask my PA what they're saying. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. My girlfriend went as the Grim Reaper to the Halloween party, but with one notable omission. Just before she left, she said, oh, I'm not carrying that around all night.

So she didn't take the size. Excellent. I think that's fair enough. She said to her mother, could you stitch it into the back of the outfit or something? And I said, how are you going to get in the car? She said, oh, just don't bother with it. I'll be like, just like a monster thing.

Brilliant. I once went to a fancy dress party, and the theme was Creatures of the Sea, and my mate John had hired the outfit Captain Hook, but didn't like the hook, so he left it at home exactly the same, and we said, well, what are you? And he went, I'm just the captain.

Not Captain Hook, the captain. He looked like Charles II, though are you? And he went, I'm just the captain. Not captain, the captain. He looked like Charles II, though. There's a lot of people who arrive in stuff, and then after about ten minutes, they take it off. Well, what about Rhys Shearsmith? Because his entire costume involved, I think he was magic, that horrible. So he walked in carrying his child. Oh, what, a puppet? Yeah, as the puppet.

Which was incredibly impressive. But then he was stuck carrying the child, who must be a good seven or eight, in his arms for some time. Also, that really means that you can't gossip with grown-ups if there's, like, a seven or eight-year-old in your arms. You can't do any adult-only conversation. Should have grown up in my family, love.

That didn't really make any difference. No, but he looked a bit of a fool for the birdie song. He's just standing there. Yeah, I kept my tombstone on throughout. Can I say that? I've heard that. Yeah. Exactly, you couldn't really tell in that outfit.

It's just like a big... If you imagine a stone balaclava, it was like that. Anyway, so the pedestrian racing thing, one of the problems with it, it's a bit like the no-repeat guarantee. Most people, I think, just won't understand what it is, where you're supposed to go and where you don't go. Yeah.

Especially, you know, I find the people who walk slow often think slow, in my experience. Oh, I'm so fed up with people just coming to a dead stop, like, as you're walking and they're right in front of you, and then they just, you know... I hate it. We need something on the street. Is it just outside the one shop, though, this? Um... The one shop? Is that that shop that Alex...

Yeah, Alex Jones. It's only open in between seven and eight every day. Very tight. Now, what I've started wearing when I shop is a bicycle bell signet ring. Oh, that's a great idea. You just get behind me and give them the old ding-ding and they, you know, they sense,

like a fly landing on an animal. They look around, sensing that something's going on. My wife thinks that I have... My wife? My wife thinks that I've broken a social boundary because you know when people are walking towards you, adults head down looking at their phone and you know when you do that thing where you step to one side thinking I'll get out of the way?

No, I don't. I walk straight at them. I do. I honestly do. I try my best to get out of the way but if they then veer towards me and then I step back again and they veer again, I think, well, I'm going to have to do this. And I clap my hands quite loudly underneath their face, sort of, so that they look up like that. You don't. Yeah. Who's the git now?

So when someone's walking towards me, I'll go like that. And I made a woman shriek recently and my wife said, that's really... Well, not many of us Can say that Wow That's the end of my story Clap hands Yeah Because I want them

To look up And not walk into me Because otherwise They're going to get A fright from walking Into me Do you think People think

You're a bit strange Yeah probably I'd be monstrous Respect Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner monstrous. Respect. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went,

you know I went to the Albert Hall and parked right next to it. I went to see Charles Aznavour. Oh, yeah. She made me the face I can't forget. Oh, is that who it is? Yes. He's amazing. And he came on at the beginning. What about, now imagine

You went with your mother-in-law, didn't you? I went with my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law. I said to my mother-in-law. So, um, she, uh, he came on, and what about if a comic did this? What about if I did this? Some might say I should. He came on and said,

thanks very much for coming tonight. He'd done a song, and then he said... I hope he said it in French accent. He did, yeah, and he said, thank you so much, but let me just say, I just want to tell you, my voice's not as good as it used to be. Certainly not as good as it was ten years ago.

Oh, sure. He said also, my memory. These are tele-prompts, which I have the lyrics. I mean, it completely blew the gaff on the whole thing. I bet you quite respect that. Totally. Love it. If I came on and said, look, I'll be straight with you, I'm not as funny as I was in the 90s,

would people be all right with that? I mean, you know, obviously they'd probably say it on the way out, but, I mean, to offer... But we never tell you that, in fairness. No, but respect. It was quite... There was something quite exciting, exhilarating about him. Oh, I love him for that. He was brilliant.

Good voice? At times. Oh, it's gone off a bit, hasn't it? He said, luckily, I wrote a lot of songs where a broken voice is quite apt. Oh, don't put yourself down, Charles. No, he was all right, Charles. You know, to be fair, he's 91. Yeah.

And still gigging. And also pretty delighted about the rules of Scrabble changing to allow proper nouns. You'd think, as N'Vo, that's got to be worth a bundle of points. It's not really an A, the Z. that's got to be worth a bundle of points. It's only really the Z. It's got a Z and lots of V. Heavy on the vowels. Anyway,

thank you so much for listening and unless you work for Absolute, in which case you're probably furious. What if we get sacked? You can't be sacked for misunderstanding, can you? Well, we'll let be sacked for misunderstanding, can you? Well, we'll let you know next week. OK.

Or someone will. And, yeah, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.