The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Oasis, regardless.

Episode Date: November 17, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss their group outing to see Ed Sheeran, the John Lewis Elton John advert, Taylor Swift's methods of avoiding paparazzi and the game, Rock, Paper, Scissors.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Them's your options. Morning, boys. Morning. Hey.

We've already had some outside world world I'd quite like to kick off Can I just say We haven't done the We haven't done In jingles Yeah we used to do our own Individual jingles Oh come on then

Oh yeah Let me see if I can I can't I can't actually see Maybe it's been edited It might have Oh well let's abandon that I'll try

I've got a new one for you So I'm with Emily Dean edited it might have oh well let's abandon that i'll come on i've got a new one for you so i'm with emily dean well she's all you'd ever want she's the kind i'd like to flaunt and take the um i'm with alan cochran and i'm frank skinner oh jingle heavy I love that so we've got

I might start with a whatever happened to if you're okay with that morning frank and the gang this is from 848 whatever happened to whispering commentators nowadays

even in the more tranquil sports most commentators holler as loud as they can. That is from one of our regulars and my faves Hennas from Gravesend. I think what happened was partly microphone

development in the sort of lip mic and also putting them in sealed boxes whereas Whispering Ted Lowe, the famous, obviously because of his nickname, you might guess he did a bit of whispering. Yeah.

He was literally sitting on a table next to the snooker players holding a normal microphone, so he really had to whisper. His answer phone message, I remember, was, Hello, I'm not here, so I'm afraid you're snookered. Yes, so that's what happened. Sorry, I've answered it in a factual way instead of a lovely, whimsical, nostalgic way. No, I liked it.

You answered it in a sort of Norris McWhirter way. Whatever happened to people saying, and here's a clip, you won't believe this, honestly, it's the funniest thing ever. And it was always a clip from Brazilian television, going, Goal! They used to play it once a

fortnight, one of those. Yeah, I've got it. I've got it. That's what they do. We had slim pickings then for the virals. We only had about three virals and Dennis Norton had access to those then for the virals. I mean, we only had about three virals and Dennis Norton had access to those exclusively. That's true, yeah. I don't think slim pickings had any. Slim pickings was the guy from...

I'm trying to think of a quote of his from Blazing Saddles that isn't politically incorrect. I can't think of one. Can I check that one first. Not easy to quote Blazing Saddles. I can't think of one. I checked that one first. Not easy to quote Blazing Saddles. But he spoke like that. He had a very, really good voice.

But, yes. I quote Blazing Saddles often off air, but not during the show. He's so alt-right. Yeah. I know. Anyway. We've also had an email entitled Zoella Gift Set.

I think she's becoming a friend of the show. Who's Zoella Gift Set? That's what she should be called. Chased her name by deed poll. Oh, that would be very good. The email goes, As part of your ongoing documentation of Zoella merchandise, which I like,

I feel it is only right to share with you the sad tale of a Zoella merchandise, which I like. I feel it is only right to share with you the sad tale of a Zoella gift set I saw on Facebook Marketplace at three pounds, unwanted, unopened and abandoned. I can only imagine the markdown on that. Picture is on Twitter as I can't attach. I don't think we'll follow that up in between. Unwanted, unopened and abandoned.

There's a great autobiography. I want to know what's in it. Three pounds? What is it from? Facebook what? There's in it. Three pounds. What is it from? Facebook what? There's a leaf. Market place. What's that?

Apparently there's a place where people buy things on Facebook. Weirdos. Facebook Market Place. You go to the shop like the rest of us. I think this is a thing. I think the rest of us don't go to a shop. They go online, don't they? Well, that is a shop.

Oh, obviously. Didn't Susie and the Banshees have that song? Facebook Market Place. Oh, obviously. Didn't Susie and the Banshees have that song, Facebook, marketplace? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Someone will be singing that somewhere. Isn't Facebook in the news for doing terrible things about their rivals?

Well, yeah. Have they? While also stealing all our information. Data. Yeah. I know, I'm all for that. Oh, OK. Are you? while also stealing all our information data I know I'm all for that I find that so convenient the stealing of my data yeah

you know I put on I look at the West Bromwich Albion news now website for my latest things there's an ad for the new Doctor Who box set. I mean, they're saving me. It's perfect for you, isn't it? I can't have my information

if it's going to be that convenient. Yeah. Well, things have changed now. Why? Well, you don't have to clear your history quite so often, okay? I don't know. Yeah, but in those days...

Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. There's a song that goes... that goes... Do you know what I mean? Then you are imbeciles. Let's move on. You know that song. Come on.

I thought I knew a bit of it. Can you do it all again? I'm not doing it again. No, because guess what? I don't want to be that woman on Nevermind the Buzz call. And that's what I feel like. Every listener is saying, how can they not get that?

Well, text in on 81215 if you are. I wonder if it's the Muppets. There was a bit in the middle where it sounded like the Muppets. Is it a modern song? It's time to play the music. I think it might be 80s. Anyway, forget it. Next. Is it a Muppets remix?

Next. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what's next. We've had a lovely message from Katie saying, Morning, Frank. What did you think of Ed Sheeran's, or I should say Ed Sheeran as Elton John referred to him. Oh, is that right? Yes. What did you think of Ed Sheeran's

performance last night? Brilliant, I thought. We had a works outing to Ed Sheeran last night. I just wanted to make absolutely sure. And

yeah, I thought he did really, he's a very talented young man. He is. Well, we had a disaster. I sound like Brian Clough. Yeah. We had a disaster before we even started. Did we? Well, yes. You missed out on this admin, perhaps,

this admin-based nightmare. We got knocked back, didn't we, Frank? Oh yeah, we were given Access All Areas stickers. Except we weren't. And then the lady giving them out went, ooh... The red puffer. She actually peeled... The red puffer.

She said, the bloke said, can you put those on, please? When she gave them out. It was so embarrassing. So I put the sticker on my... That's a good impression of the bloke, though. Yeah. I mean, it will be lost on some of you, to be fair. Just for us. Well, I think everyone who's been to a gig has of the bloke yeah i mean it will be lost on some of you to be fair just for us well i think every everyone has again been to a gig as a bloke

so i put it on my jumper and then she came over and peeled it off well daisy the producer had gone striding ahead in hers with a sense of entitlement i think she knew we shouldn't have had that and. And the woman in the red puffer who we've been told to look out for, like some sort of bizarre spy movie, she said, no, can you get out, please? We need to retrieve that ticket. I know, it was very awkward.

I wouldn't mind, but she didn't put them back on the thing to give them to someone else. Screwed them up and threw them on the... Put them in her pocket, I think. So she would rather nobody went backstage than we went backstage. I didn't want to go back. What am I going to say to Ed Sheeran?

He might have seen that time on Room 101 when I did an Ed Sheeran lookalike, which was one of those sushis when it's white rice with a big prawn on top. I mean, you know, never know where that's going to go. You had, you know what I was pleased for you last night, Frank? You had a lot of compliments on your jacket. That was true.

And you kept going up to the Absolute Radio bosses saying, do you know, that's the only time anyone's ever, and you said it quite pointedly in front of me. Every time I put that jacket on. And it's a talking piece, the jacket. Shall we say what the jacket is? It's not a jacket you wouldn't notice. It's a tan leather.

Yeah. And it's got very big lapels. Just plenty of room for an Access All Areas sticker. But, as it turns out, inappropriate. I'll tell you what there was as well every time I put that jacket on because it's a bit distinctive I wonder if this time more than any other time

maybe this time there'll be compliments I like that I went for the football song and you went for the Broadway music I went for Liza Minnelli. Yeah, Frank, you kept saying, you said, you just complimented me. That's the only time, and it happened twice,

and then I felt bad, and I said, look, I've just known the jacket a long time. Well, it's one that I get out, and then because it doesn't get compliments, I put it away again. Put it away again, yeah. Because I lose faith in it. Yeah, doesn't get compliments, I put it away again. Put it away again, yeah. Because I lose faith in it. Yeah, it's easily done, isn't it? Yeah.

Someone says, please tell us a song. I'm singing it in the car. Can't name it. Thank you, Rosie. Well, one of our readers will know it. Well, morning all. Frank, give a little respect. Oh, that explains it.

Is that it? I think it's by Erasure. Yes, of course. I'll have to sing it. I said it was 80s, didn't I? You did. Give a little respect to... I'll tell you why I asked about it.

Oh, I know it now. The reason I asked is I found myself singing it around the house of late, but at the end, I don't know any of the words, so I go... And then I go... And I thought, no, that's from Dolce's Shut Up With Your Face. That's a mash-up with Dolce. And I thought, why?

Well, it's not... And that might be my confusion. The only lyric I know to it is from the wrong song. That's right. But it's Respect. Oh, thank you. Who was that from? That, well, there have been so many.

Rosie. That specific one. Well, that wasn't from Rosie. That was actually, I'm just going to call them 709. Well, thank you so much, because that has put me out of my miserable. So that's brilliant. Oh, so I was close we've got to know respect but

yeah but Dolce and Eraser I wouldn't be buying that coat we're probably playing it we're probably playing it on Absolute 80s next aren't they don't they make stuff Dolce and Eraser

don't think about it yeah I won't be buying Dolce and Eraser Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

What about when it went wrong last night with the equipment? What happened? One minute there were fireworks This is Ed Sheeran Ed Sheeran who had a sort of a light show thing backdrop going on

There was a point where I remember... I didn't like the screen. I remember thinking, it's very clever, this back thing. Like it never happened before. Like someone going to the first talking picture, the jazz singer with

Al Jolson. Anyway, so yes, so he's singing and there was fireworks on the back, and there was a cracking, so I thought it was the sound effect for that, but then all his sound went completely. Really quite dramatic. We were right next to the sound desk.

Yeah. And I was a bit disappointed that they weren't getting, because I felt like saying, come on, mate. It's one bloke and a guitar you know, it's not Vangelis Jean-Michel Jean we were all close, why wouldn't we have why weren't they getting abused those blokes

for their incompetence I love it when you complain about people not getting abused so anyway, so Ed I'm going to call him Ed call him Ed he then sang... Well, he told everyone to shut up. Yeah, well, he said, shut up.

He said, this won't work if you don't shut up. And then what I was hoping, he'd say just absolute silence and then he would have said, you're fired, mate. To the bloke on the back desk. But what he did was he played his guitar and he sang. And it was lovely.

I loved that bit. It was my favourite. Me too. I would have been happy with that volume all night. Yes. And silence from the audience. And the audience shut up for five minutes. Although him singing it quietly like that

and us standing next to the sound desk did mean that I could hear it really loudly when the mic on the sound desk went, go to engine B. Yeah. I was thinking, where are they flying to? The one person who wasn't quiet was the bloke whose fault it was. That we think is fault. No, there's no question about that.

Yeah. Also, people, everyone knew the word. I didn't, but everyone knew the word, so lots of people. Yeah, those guys next to me really did. One of the reasons I... Because I basically went to see why he's become a major star. That was why I was... I think you saw it in that two-minute period.

Well, I felt all these people knew every word and they were singing the songs. So, obviously, they're all basically rubbish, the other people singing them, all the people around. And so it was like the X Factor auditions going on all around. And in the midst of it, you can hear one voice singing it really well, and that's his. So it's a bit like, you know

when there's a shipwreck and you're thinking I can't last and then you see like a small chest of drawers floating and you think oh hold on to this. He's like that. He's the little life raft. So he's reminding us how good his voice is by having lots and

lots of people singing the song at the same time. That was my theory. But no, he's talented. I was very surprised that the audience don't go, She run! She run! Well, you made up for it by doing it yourself. Well, I thought it would catch on. It didn't. I saw you trying to get it to catch on. It didn't.

I don't know if his crowd has a huge overlap with the football crowd. It just didn't strike me as... No, maybe not. No, there was a lot of Japanese people at the back. I presume they were over for the England game. They're doubling up on their...

Oh, yeah, I should think so. Sheeran and Harry Kane. What a weekend. A lot of people do this now, don't they? They FaceTime it and then they... To all the phones. They're holding up the phones, which is nice because then they're obscuring their own view of the actual gig and watching it through their phone.

But they were FaceTiming. And I was fascinated, though, with all the family members I could see. That's all I could see. People's children, grannies. Just on these screens. I thought they were just videoing See I was the grumpy man at the back not grumpy but I was thinking

Not grumpy, not you No, not me I can't think of an artist that I would thank my friend for phoning me from the concert off if they were for a start I very rarely answer my phone

but if they did if one of my friends phoned me how would you know i'm at such and such a concert i thought you'd like to watch it through my phone i i think that would be friendship over wouldn't it well someone did do that once i'm not going to name the friend or the concert so it's a bit of a boring anecdote but they did call me and um for me to listen to a gig I was too ill to go to and I put the phone down. I just, I can't listen to this. See, that's quite right. I'll either be there or I won't.

If I had one criticism I'd say there was a lot of songs about love. Oh yeah. Now, this is what happens when you surround yourself with yes men. What he needs is someone who's going to say, Ed, word to the wise.

Word to the wise. You're milking the love thing. I don't know if you're aware of it, but most of your songs are about love. Talk about something else. Didn't you once suggest architecture as a song topic? You would. Well, actually, you'd be a lot...

You once suggested architecture as a potential song topic. Why not? You'd be a lovely... You once suggested architecture as a potential song topic. Yeah, why not? Why not? You'd be a lovely friend, because I'd like to think that you could fulfil that role for him. Yes. The truth teller. I'll say, you don't have to get rid of the love.

I've got, you know, two or three songs about love, and then I've some songs about, you know, getting a... Say getting some shoes re-healed. Hmm. Someone like that and an interesting bloke who you met there and it made you think about your life compared to his life. That kind of thing.

What about, what's wrong with a bit of erasure respect? Yeah. A classic still singing it all these years later. Got to know respect. Was that not a love song? Joe Dolce. I don't know what. Joe Dolce is an example.

I think it was Grand Parental Advice where love is implicit but you don't have to upfront it. But romantic love. I mean, you're... You just frowned at me as if I've been writing loads of romantic love songs.

Well, all he's doing is he's alienating the people in long term relationships. Can I ask you a question? Sure. He's from Suffolk, is he? Who's this? Ed Sheeran.

Sheeran. Welcome. Thank you. And he does a thing that lots of people do, is he talks in his normal accent, and then when he starts singing, he goes into the American accent. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now, a phrase that you hear bandied around a lot now is cultural appropriation. Yes. Is that not an example of... You're taking the American tradition, which comes up from blues, jazz, country and western, the fusion of all these things, and you're from Suffolk.

Is that not cultural appropriation? I think the people that use terms like cultural appropriation would say that it's not because America isn't like an oppressed minority. Well, you could say that the parts of America where jazz and blues came from may be, it's an oppressed minority. we're about this for a bit of politics the radio wow you could but it's very difficult to police isn't it that's why i think oh i liked it better when we were talking about erasure a little respect i'll tell you what i do think might be cultural appropriation is playing a guitar like a drum what about the drums

yeah drums might want to like keep drumming for drums well look oh is that what he does when he slaps it when I showcase my new Bangra song

later in the show can I do the accent no X-12 15 here's a question there's also no here's a question for you

you do like you do like a redhead though Frank you go with your question always but also, now here's a question for you. You do like a redhead though, Frank. You go with your questions. Always. But listen, I think there's a cut-off point in the

American accent thing, isn't there? What do you mean? I think George Ezra, for example, is nearer the cut-off point. Oh.

Right, yeah. Because he's getting, it's getting deep. He's only a stone's throw away from there's an old man called me so sippy now if I came out now

as an unknown and sang like that would I be in trouble? I don't think so what if I said ribber I think I'd be in trouble sorry Alan you were saying do you think you know the loop pedal

Ed Sheeran that was impressive you know he does little loops and it works on the guitar it's funky isn't it and vocally

yeah and vocally sorry Alan is there a gap in the market for that with a ukulele that's what I was wondering I thought you were

going to say it was stand up comedy no what you could do is type if you know if you've got a shoe-a-fire gag near the beginning, tape the laugh. And then if you don't get one, later.

You know that story about Little and Large when they were doing that live show? And the sound man had been told to turn the laughs up because it wasn't going that well. And I don't know if it's true, but I was told this. So every laugh, they cranked up the volume on the show. And they did one that got absolutely nothing, and you heard...

So you don't want the silence to be louder. That's what you really don't want. Anyway, he's a talented man, I'll say that. Well, and he also, I'll tell you what he favours clothes-wise. I mean, you probably are aware of this. More chimpanzee look. What's the chimpanzee look? A T-shirt over long sleeves.

Oh, yes. And that seems to be the new, that's I'm a bit of a serious muso, because I noticed Chris Martin does that as well. Well, it looked like bandage. I thought he had his elbows bandaged, like Ben Stokes always had. I thought maybe it's the weaknesses in the ginger.

Or maybe they have to arm wrestle to prove themselves over and over again. But I always like to see a ginger doing one, as you know, I have a ginger child, so that was good. And more power to his elbow. Absolute, absolute

radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about Ed Sheeran this morning. Sheeran. Sheeran. David Ingham has a Correzione with regards to Ed Sheeran. Hold on, let me see if I can find...

Correzione, Correzione, ole, ole, ole. He didn't play that one last night either. Ed Sheeran is actually from Hebden Bridge. He's one of them that moved. Yes. Like me. To Suffolk. Moved to Suffolk.

Okay. Bet that was a long track to write. Well, that's good. Thanks for letting us know that. Yeah. He did close with Ilkley Moor Bar Tat. I wondered what that was about. Yeah.

Where has the bean since I saw thee? Where has the bean since I saw thee on Ilkleymore Bartat? It's not often you see the Brighouse and Restrick on a loop pedal, is it? No, exactly. Can I just say, he's one of yours, Frank. What's that? Ed Sheeran. He doesn't follow the Nazarene, does he?

The family are Catholics. Oh, the family. Well, that would explain the hair as well. The ginger. Yeah, that would be Irish emigrant family. You think? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

Okay. That's my theory. Speaking of the Irish and Correcciones I I was at a party I didn't expect to go down that particular cul-de-sac

this morning now historic apologies I I was I was at a party the other night and I saw... Big wow. Famous...

Well, you were there as well. Famous and no one else, guys. I saw a famous Irish person and I said, I'm currently reading person and I said, I'm currently reading your... I said, do you write kids' books? I've got the right person. He said, yeah.

And I said, I'm currently reading one to my child. He said, oh, brilliant. Which one? I said, the one about the danger thing. And he said, no, that's David O'Doherty. Oh. Are you joking me? Yeah. He's joking me. And I said, no, that's David O'Doherty. Oh. Are you joking me? Yeah.

He's joking me. It's awful. And I said, oh. And then I remembered he was Chris O'Dowd. And I said, oh. This is awful that he did this. I said, why? Why do you think?

And he said, oh, it's all right. He's a friend of mine, David O'Dowd. I said, well, it's all right, he's a friend of mine, David. I said, well, I knew he was like an Irish comedian bloke. Oh, my God. He was lovely. He was fine with it. We spoke for a long time. He was a very nice man.

Much taller than I thought. Now, I've become one of those people, and I've had this, who they meet you and say, oh, you're not as tall as I thought you was, and all that. And I always say, well, you must have as tall as I thought you was and all that and I always say well you must have a big telly aye

and all that you know I had a lovely chat with Ian Brown oh yes from the Stone Roses big fan of yours Frank really

wasn't expecting that don't tell you that I'm wrong no but you just don't expect Ian Brown to be doing anything that involves

absorbing any sort of popular culture I expect him to be oh anything that involves absorbing any sort of popular culture. I expect him to be in some... Oh, he's interested, I think. Yeah, oh, no, exactly. But I thought he'd be in some muso firmament all of his own. But he said, you know, he said, oh, yeah, absolutely, play me, I'm really grateful.

I need to thank us. That's nice. I know. I would have... Charming man. I would have spoke to him, but I never... Someone else's... I never moved

at this party you know when you stand at a party and people come like being the Pope someone comes up and then someone else comes up

it was like that the world revolves around you sometimes those nights just happen I was near the food I'll tell you where you were near

he was stood next to the Jeff Brazier outside yes not actually Jeff Brazier it was a select party it was a Brazier but people did keep saying to Jeff Brazier. It was a select party. It was a Brazier. But people did keep saying to me...

I wasn't part of a picket line in the 1970s. People did keep saying to me, it's true, I don't know, people had a sense they had to go and talk to you. Because I was chatting to Rob Brydon and he said, should we go and talk to Frank? And I thought, why?

I think it gets a bit catty when you get to my age. Oh, right. Because you think if he dies now, say if it's a bit catty more you can when you get to my age because you think if he dies now say if it's a bad winter we'll have one of those anecdotes, I was only talking to him a couple of months ago, he thought I was David O'Doherty as it turns out so I suppose

the slide had already started Frank? Frank Skinner Show with Frank Skinner and Emily Dean and Alan Cochran You can text us on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website I am

I'm going to contact Yoko Ono and say I like her. But you've done that to people before with mixed results, haven't you? I haven't done that since Ola Bart, I don't think. Did you actually write her a letter? I did write her a letter, yes. Oh, that's quite sweet, really. Alan Bennett, have you also written to Alan Bennett?

Oh, yeah, but I was asking him to write a play with me. And what did he say? He said, of course, I was asking him to write a play with me. And what did he say? He said, of course, I know who you are, but I'm not a very good co-writer. That's what he said. It was very sweet when he should have said, how can you even think for one second and write a play with you, you idiot?

But he was too nice for that. That's nice. Yes. So, anyway, that same party, I met Sir Tim Rice. Oh. Oh, yes, he's always charming. Yeah. I've met him.

Charming. Charming. Funny. And I wanted to ask him. Now, our readers might know the answer to this. He has a pale jacket, can I just say. You'll never see Tim Rice in a dark jacket. Never.

He was in a pale jacket when I met him. Of course he is. What about if Andrew Lloyd Webber died? Oh, yeah. At the funeral. You think he'd still wear a light jacket? He'd still go pale blue or a stripe or a tan. That would be wrong.

An armband. That would just be wrong. He's got the three men in a boat vibe and I love it. Anyway, I can remember going to some place where he was telling the history of music and his face was projected onto some sort of sphere. So it looked a bit like his head. And he was saying,

and Elvis Presley, and he was being projected. And I really wanted to ask him, but after my Chris O'Dowd, I lost my confidence. Well, you could have got it. I mean, it could have been anyone. I guess it was Andrew Lloyd Webber or something. Well, what worries me is it might have just been him. Not his face.

Where were you, Tim? I remember this really dome-shaped. No, that wasn't me projected on a globe. That was my head, actually. That would have been very awkward. Yeah. You know, I have a sort of a weird thing with Sir Tim Rice. Oh, do you?

What do you mean? It's a confession. Me and Sir Tim Rice were in the long room at Lord's, very famous home of cricket place. And he came over. We were at an evening do, and he came over. Michael Atherton was there and stuff. Oh, yeah.

And Tim Rice came over to me, holding his phone, and said, Michael Jackson's died. So he's the bloke who told me that Michael Jackson had died. And I think that I still remember that as Jackson had died. And I think that... It bothers you, that kind of thing. Well, it's just, it was... You know, people say, where were you when blah, blah. I was in the long room at Lord's and Tim Rice told me.

I'm prepared to sacrifice Michael Jackson to have that anecdote. Oh, my goodness. Not everyone might feel that's justified, but we're all different. Just remember that. And I bet he was wearing the pale jacket no mark of respect for Jack O's passing. I don't think he carries

that, I mean maybe we should all get to an age where we carry a black armband just on the off chance someone we know is going to go down The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8, tune in live for the full Frank experience.

We've received a text message from Leon C. Oh, that's interesting. He's called Lee from Leon C. What if he was called Leon? Oh, yeah. And then his surname was C. That would be even more...

That would be really... If I was called Leon C, I'd move to Leon C. Yeah. Because... Do you know what? You would. You're probably the only person I know who would do that. I would. I would. It'd be such a waste not to.

You'd put yourself through all sorts of inconveniences for a laugh. Through hoops. Yeah. Of fire. Anyway, he's got in touch. Frank Allen, the Divine Miss M. John Lewis Christmas advert with S.E.J.

That's one of his mates. Sir Elton John. Hyphenated. John Lewis Christmas advert. Oh yes, the new John. I think we talk about it every year. I think so, yeah. It's a real event, the John Lewis.

It really is. What would have happened if his mum had got him some plasticine for Christmas rather than a piano? Maybe a sculptor? Please discuss. But then again... But then again... Mould.

Make up your mind before you sing the song. In case you haven't seen the John Lewis Christmas advert. Spoiler alert. It's actually the life of Elton John. Yeah. It's a biopic. So it begins with him in a dressing gown in his house

and playing the piano and then it goes backwards. Not the piano. Cold and flashback. Life, yeah. Right back to the very first... You go through... When he gets not the piano. Cold and flashback. Yeah. Right back to the very first... You go through... When he gets his first piano.

Yeah, and in between that, you see him in his sort of 70s, 60s, on the private plane. All that. I don't know, but how do you feel about this advert? Because people have said it's not Christmas enough, but it obviously does get a Christmas present. I've got to be honest, I surprised myself.

I felt a little tearful. I felt tearful. I was a bit moved. Oh, Frank, I'm so relieved. I thought you were all going to shout at me. No! I found it quite moving. I loved it.

So did I. You loved it. I thought it was really moving. Weirdos! I cried. I had a little tear in my eye. Oh, come on, guys. Weirdos!

At the end, there's a big pass, he opens it and he's got a piano. Yeah. Now, I know in the real world, the Elton John, the child, would have probably said, an upright? How dare you? Didn't I say I wanted a grand? But in this, he's very sweet. And this is the moment, obviously, when he...

And it just made me nostalgic for those days when people used to get famous for being able to do something oh right yeah yeah I can see that if John Lewis

had had Kim Kardashian and we'd seen her as a child opening the present and it was botic implants I don't think I would have been

so moved or maybe one of the vloggers getting their first in a car. So Ella getting a big box and opening it and there's just tinsel and the parents say, see how you like it.

But Elton John, I did, I was teary. I was moved. I wasn't teary on Rui. Don't think that for a second. I haven't gone into management on the strength of it. And there was something quite marvellous about having the originale singing this song, which we've heard other versions of over the years,

but it was what I believe Terry Venables called a key tapper. A key tapper? Oh, yeah. You remember that's what he said when he heard Three Lions? He said, oh, a key tapper. Because he tapped his car keys throughout and said it's a real key tapper? Oh, yeah. Don't you remember that's what he said when he heard Three Lions? He said, oh, he had a key tapper. Because he did actually tap, he tapped his car keys throughout and said it's a real key tapper, isn't it? Which worries me now I think about it, but that's another story.

It's funny though, his flashback is so selective. Like, all his life is sort of seen through rose-tinted glasses. That's what I was thinking. And then he was wearing some. Yeah, exactly. I thought they did a good job on the child, Elton John. He's got, especially around the mouth, he looks like Elton John.

Yeah. I mean, no child wants to be told that, but I think he does. There is an odd moment in the middle, though, where he's sat at the piano and he genuinely looks like Ian Brown. Does he? That's a mind you mate

yeah well I tell you what does I saw an interview with Elton John saying how much he'd love doing the advert

and all that when I said saying how much he didn't actually put a price on it yeah but he said how much actually to be fair

to Elton John it said he gave a part of his fee to charity he did yes but I mean that could be a, it said he gave a part of his fee to charity. He did, yes. But I mean, that could be a pound in the poor box. A part. I think a part

is not a percentage. Welcome to Dickens London, everyone. A pound in the poor box. What percentage was it? A part. Oh, thank you, Sir Alton. Put that in the ledger, will you? Cratch it.

One part. Sorry, Elton. I'm doing the quill. Can you do that? Right, catch it. Have an hour off, and that'll be your annual holiday Keeping it Christmassy Keeping it Christmassy

No, but in the interview he said it reminded me of when I first played my grandmother's piano and I thought, whoa I thought it was a gift and now it's your grandmother's Well, this is the thing they altered reality a bit for this.

I mean, what it needs is a shot of his grandmother getting up Christmas morning looking around going, hold on. Hold on, where's my piano? Poor grandmother left, loved, loved,

played the piano all her life, loved it, gone. I liked her because she was in, do you remember Tantrums and Tiaras? I do. The documentary, and she featured in that, the self-same grandmother. Oh, really? And there was a great shot, I remember because he was in, do you remember Tantrums and Tiaras? I do. And she featured in that, the self-same grandmother. Oh, really?

And there was a great shot, I remember, because he was going off to he said, well, I've been nominated for an Oscar. And she went, you've got loads of those. He said, no, I haven't. This is the first time I've been nominated. She goes, no, I've seen them. You've got them. No, I haven't. This is a special one. He got a bit touchy. What she meant was that she'd seen

very bronze naked men standing in his garden. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Elton John. Well, yeah, some people are getting in touch. Ah. And...

Not Yoko. No, Yoko hasn't been in touch yet. You never know. She does randomly follow people. Oh, you're not on the Twitters? No. Well, you are technically with the show account. You never know. Paul, for example, not moved at all with the advert for John Lewis.

Well, that's alright. I know. We're all different. How much has he been paid to get on TV? He's got a film and concert out soon. Yeah, but if you start thinking like that, you're not going to be moved by anything. I tell you what, one thing that moves me about it is that, you know, we've had the pets on trampolines, the old man on the moon,

random kids with monsters and stuff. I think it's nice to put celebrity back centre stage where it belongs. It's gone very... We don't want to see Christmas as a sort of ordinary people event. No. Exactly. Not on the telly.

We want a big star. Yeah. No, I just find it... I like the idea of a little kid getting a musical instrument, persevering, become a major star. Isn't that a moving thing? Yeah. I mean, there's not a lot of that.

There's not a lot of the persevering. Like, there's not a lot of him sort of playing badly. No rocking. There's no him getting up in the morning, eating six raw eggs and then playing a cantata. It would have been nice if the advert had included the 20,000 hours of piano playing really badly. Maybe the film will have it.

There's things missing. I'd like to... 2,000, sorry, Frank, 2,000 performances of your song he's done live, he reckons. I'd like to have seen him when he's about 50 walking down the road past the sport shop and suddenly stopping frozen when he sees his first shell suit and thinks, oh, I'm having that.

The game changer of his life. Or that moment when his milk hair fell out and was replaced by his grown-up hair. I wonder if he put it under his pillow. I'd like him to walk past the shop with orange wigs. Is there a hair fairy that if you put your milk hair onto the pillow, it comes and brings you the new hair? So, yeah, there's things.

I can't help being moved. I've never heard a few people now say, I can't be moved by that. It's just a promo for this film. They told us off. That's exactly the tone that they could be moved by that. It's just a promo for this film. They told us off. Oh, calm down. That's exactly the tone that they're texting in as well. Right.

It's Christmas. We watched it with our childish unspoiled parts. Exactly. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, you know he wrote that in 10 minutes? The song? Well, did Bernie write it?

Yeah, Bernie, you're right. Bernie wrote the words, didn't he? So Ella, how long for that calendar? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She took a while. But She was very proud of it. Oh, God. Yes, I think the way it worked is that Bernie sent him words and then he said if he had a go at it for ten minutes

and if he didn't come up with a melody, he'd abandon it. So I suppose every Elton John song's been written in ten minutes. Oh, yeah, so quickly He's a quick worker, isn't he? It's odd though, because you see him playing classical piano at the school and I always think of him as really on the big chords

But it's nice to think that he's starting off through the classical route as I believe they're saying across the pond. The newspaper website that I looked at had John Lewis advert live, like, you know, like updates. Wow. Like, this is what we've got with 24-hour news.

It's like they're in Iraq or something. So-and-so has said this about the John Lewis advert. I wonder if they considered calling the shop Elton John Lewis just for the Christmas. Oh that would have been a good product tie. What a great idea. I'll tell you one thing that I did miss and this is a serious point.

It's at the end when he looks at the piano. He's looking as a kid with his glasses on and then he reaches out and presses one note on the piano there's a there's a picture of ray charles you know that who was um was blind and wore dark glasses and there's a shot of him playing and you can see the keyboard reflected in his glasses and it's a really amazing shot because obviously keyboard meant everything to him. As to Elton, what they should have done

is had it reflected in the kids' glasses. You know what, that's a bit like after a comedy gig when you sometimes come up and give them a little note. I do. I like that. Well, they never asked me. They asked me to do the advert, in fact, but they couldn't think of anything to get as the big parcel at the end.

Anything clean that had inspired my career. What if they'd had me doing it? Imagine people thinking, what, Frank Skim? Who cares about him? They could have just turned around and there just would have been a spotlight on you with the mic. And have a child playing me. Yeah.

There's a bloke in the middle who plays him. You get quite close with him in a straw hat. Is that an actor? They all have, yes. It was three actors with very heavy prosthetics. But imagine they got the call. They want you to play young Elton. They would have thought it was the biopic.

Oh, yeah. I don't know think they got... I think the mother had a lot of Elton John look-alikes in the address book. She hired one for a birthday party. So it probably just went to her. Left that bit out the advert, didn't it? Yeah.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Anyway People are saying that They never did that moment when he went from singing I remember when to People are saying that the real star is the little boy

who plays him at the end People are saying that but real star is the little boy who plays him at the end. People are saying that, but people say a lot of things that are incorrect. Freddie Henderson, his name is. But I think he may have got himself in trouble. What did he get himself into, Al? A little bit of trouble. Apparently the scene-stealing youngster, according to the article I read. Is that hyphenated?

Yes. I love it when you talk spontaneously like that. He said, I was just, you know, running down the stairs into the lounge, standing there until they said cut. And I think all the grown-up actors went shut up, don't tell people it's that easy.

I remember reading that Steve McQueen made a big fuss about this door he had to go through and they had to change it and all that. And one of the other actors said, what's wrong with that door? He said nothing, but go through and they had to change it and all that. And one of the other actors said, what's wrong with that door? He said, nothing, but you don't want him to think it's easy.

I love it. So yeah, Fred, he'll learn fast enough. Yeah. God bless him. It's a tricky journey, the child star. Yeah. So for the best. Tell me about it, love.

I mean, come on. And how many looking like Elton John roles are there out there? I don't think even Elton John would get one, no? No. No. The thing is, though, it said, one, someone said it was defending it,

because there's been an attack, every John Lewis ad is attacked and defended this time of the year. And someone was saying, it's good that it encourages young children to take up an instrument. But does that mean that there's a sort of a message behind the John Lewis adverts generally? So the pets on the trampoline, was that a sort of a message behind the John Lewis adverts generally. So the pets on the trampoline, was that a sort of an attempt... To exercise.

To keep pets outside to avoid the devil dog. What about the monster under the bed? What was that indicating? Was that Elton John? It was last year, wasn't it, with the elbow? Sorry, that's not a very kind thing to say. Yeah, the old man on the moon was probably a thing about, you know, people are living older, where are we going to put them?

But it did say, I note, John Lewis made a point of saying, John Lewis has started to stock pianos since this ad. I understand for that. Well, I've never seen a piano in John Lewis before. Have you? Text in, 8, 12, 15. Well, I wouldn't seen a piano in John Lewis before. Have you? Text in, 8, 12, 15. Well, I wouldn't have really registered one. I think they've got two available that are product tie-ins. I think one's like 800 or 900 quid and one's about 150.

Oh, nice. A bit of advertising for John. I don't find that very moving at all. You referred to John Lewis as John just now. I don't know why they didn't just use me saying they've got two pianos, one's about 900 quid. Fantastic.

Never knowingly underplugged. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Zayn Malik has been in the news this week for letting the cat out of the bag. I've just had a thought. Can I say something? Oh, yeah, go on.

You know these people who work as lookalikes and some are good and some are not that great? Yeah. And sometimes you see them all gathered together in one place for a thing and it's very funny. You know how Elton is a sort of a guru to celebrities? Why didn't they have a shot of him with them all sitting around him on the floor, sort of cross-legged while he spoke to them about life?

Sorry, Zayn Malik. Zayn Malik's been in the news because he apparently has inadvertently let slip some rumours that Taylor Swift gets carried around in luggage so that she doesn't get mobbed by fans. Apparently there's quite a lot of internet chat about Taylor Swift being carried around in luggage, hand luggage. I think she's slightly bigger than that.

I imagine she'd fit in a snooker cue case. She's a small... She's a tall one, though. Is she tall? Oh, so she'd be a snooker cue case rather than a five tenner right

and he's he's let the cat out of the bag apparently so to speak yes okay yeah

so it's it's true yeah and there's there's pictures in the paper of like two roadie types carrying like

a big box oh yeah just walking past fans who obviously don't know that she's in there yeah it would have been great at the end of the Elton John advert when they took the piper off it was Taylor Swift

I know there'd have been a chronological issue but that wouldn't have mattered it's a bad choice of present for Elton have you had to go to any... It's a bad choice of present for Elton. Yeah, yeah. Have you had to go to any extreme lengths to get out of one of your tour dates?

Do you need to be covered up in a blanket and wheeled to the chauffeur-driven car or any of that sort of stuff? I think I was part... You know when they have those meals when they have a hog with a goat inside it and then inside that they'd have like a small lamb and it ends up with like a

wren. I think I was third layer in on one of those in order to get out of Birmingham Town Hall. It's a good way to get out though, isn't it? You just need a shower back at the hotel, that's the downside. I always did, dear. Eventually. I imagine you and

David must have needed some form of disguise during the white heat of of disguise. No, we really didn't. During the white heat of Three Lions. No, I was only too happy to meet with the fans at the gig. That's so lovely to hear that. Yeah, exactly. Yes. I thought that's why David grew the beard.

I thought it was sort of a joke shop disguise thing initially, but it turns out it suits him now. Yeah, he can't really do a joke, because you remember he went to a football match in Germany with a mask we bought called Altamana. Oh, yes, I do remember. And people were just saying, all right, Dave. It's just his walk and everything.

He's a distinctive person. But, yeah, I imagine she must get absolutely mobbed. Taylor? Yes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think so. Well, now saying Malick's ruined it.

Yeah. Not the only woman to have ever said that, I imagine. Isn't it heartbreaking? Is he one of the people who she'd been out with? No. No, one of the people. He was in one... I'll handle this. one of the people he was in one i'll handle this okay cool he was in one direction yeah with harry styles who did go out with and you know harry

styles because you loved his video didn't you do you remember the flying video is one of the greats yeah wouldn't it have been brilliant if she'd done it but she's just in the box just the box just the box floating around she is essentially living in a box. Just a box floating around. She is essentially living in a box. But if he was with her, say, in the dressing room, you know, they were kissing, Harry Styles, would they have both gone in the box to leave? Oh.

Oh, together. Because you've got to get him out as well. Well, she's not the only one. It's quite a common practice amongst these celebrities, Frank. Is that right? Jerry, Robbie Williams said in his autobiography that Jerry Halliwell, when they were having

a relationship... Were they? He... Yeah. Late review. I didn't know that. When they were having a secret relationship

at the time, both single people, nothing funny going on. Okay. But they didn't want the press to know. He smuggled her out of

his apartment in a duffel bag. A duffel bag? A large duffel bag. You know, like a sailor's duffel bag. Those big ones. She was so small. She's only five foot. A big North Face bag, like that MI5 guy. You look quite shell-shocked

by that, Frank. Yes. I don't know if I'd like... You've got to have a certain... I mean, one thing, if Taylor Swift, God forbid, is ever buried alive, you know, if she had that sort of apnea thing, they thought she was dead and they buried her, she's so used to it now,

she'd have the presence of mind to be able to stay calm and consider options. I think a lot of people panic. They wake up in their own casket. Use up a lot of oxygen. Yeah. Yeah. Good point.

Wow. So it's a commonplace. Adele. Adele does it. Really? I seem to have a memory when Jose Mourinho was banned from a Chelsea game once. There was a theory that he'd gone in a laundry basket,

been taken into the ground. That sounds a bit more Goodfellas, if you know what I mean. Yeah, and then he spoke on an earpiece or something. I'm sure he was in a laundry basket, Jose. I think if things don't work out, if you're managing Chelsea, you maybe get taken out and the laundry box is there's saying. I think if things don't work out if you're managing Chelsea, you maybe get taken out and the laundry got set. Just saying.

It's a bit oligarchist. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The Taylor Swift thing, do you think she'd go as far as a baggage carousel at an airport? Oh, that would be useful. You know, I've said to you before, when you see the long thing,

you think, is someone a pole vaulter travelling? So it's mysterious, long, thin, zip-up, like sports. Oh, no, but really long, I've seen them. I know those ones, Frank. I always think, what are you doing? What's in there? It looks like a sports thing. It's got to be the pole.

If you... Canoes? No, I tell you, they always... Every luggage carousel has them for some reason, and they always have... Sometimes they have a plastic bag tied at the pole. Canoes? No, I tell you, they always, every luggage carousel has them for some reason, and they always have, sometimes they have a plastic bag tied at the top to mark them out. Do you think, presumably

the pole for a pole vault must have a screw joint in the middle or something. They don't transport them at maximum length, do they? Do you know, can I just say, the producer just blew on her tea and I haven't seen anyone do that outside of a soap opera. It happens in real life.

We've actually had a message about the... I suppose it's in the Taylor Swift disguised arriving at a place theme. 290 has said, I went to a Tina Turner... I went to a... Can I have another go at reading? Yeah. Tina Turner concert. Oh my goodness, that is like a vocal warm-up at drama school. I went to a Tina Turner concert. I went to a Tina Turner concert.

Don't keep doing it. Early 90s in the grounds of Warburn Abbey. An ambulance came through the crowd and Princess Diana got out of it and was taken to her seat by security. Yeah. That's a good way through, isn't it? Yeah.

The old arriving an ambulance trick. Yeah. But maybe she'd just come straight from hospital. Maybe. God bless her. Tina Tonto. If I was ever so famous.

Was she Tonto? I'd quite like to be transported to my gigs in, you know, those trolleys like Hannibal Lecter with the full mask. And people would just think,

oh, it's someone going to Alan's show in cosplay. Behind a Perspex screen. It'd actually be me. I like that. I'd like to arrive made over as Ed Sheeran. That'd be a really bad way of getting in to a gig.

I think we saw him leave last night because me and Emily were walking up the road and you know those metal fences they put for crowd things? Yeah. A bloke came walking. I just want to say, sorry to interrupt, Frank, but just to explain, we abandoned you and I felt bad, but

Frank was getting quite a lot of attention from the Ed Sheeran demographic. Well, you wouldn't carry the box. He had a massive Louis Vuitton flight case that he was determined to get. He would not. And was it Brazil Uruguay as well?

In fact, big with the footballing community. Anyway. So this bloke started walking to... You know those blokes outside gigs who wear those sort of shiny black Macs that you never see anyone else wearing? Except for voluntary policemen. I always imagined they always looked like curates.

Anyway, so he was walking to this, literally holding, carrying one of those metal sections of fence, like walking in front of him like he was a Wild West train. One man frontier. He was very, yeah, you shall not pass to us. I thought he'd be handy guest if there's snow on the ground. Just clear the...

Anyway, he put it right in front of us. He just stopped us in the street with his fence. I didn't want to say anything in case you took a... Now anyway, so and then this car with blacked out windows came flying past so I think

who apparently arrived sort of like five minutes before the gig, I think they're absolutely shot out of there. Yeah. But not in a box. But I think the man with the fence, if I may say, was both premature and irrelevant. Because for a start, there was only a trickle of people at that stage.

Secondly, I know I didn't say firstly, but anyway. Secondly, these Ed Sheeran gig goers, I mean, they're not going to mob him, it's not Bieber-mamia don't you think? I think they might. Really? The guys next to me singing throughout it, they would have mobbed him. Oh yeah, those two guys knew every word and they were singing them to

each other. Yeah, yeah. They've got an absolute radio those things. No, they're not. No, not those ones. They sang Oasis regardless. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. 342 is claiming that the other baggage carousel stalwart is the unclaimed pushchair chair lonely and forlorn. Maybe just during the flight the child learned to walk. Then they get off the plane. It's a long flight. We don't need that.

What about the cling film bag? I don't know that's my novel. You've never seen that when there's a bag just covered in cling film. Do you know, Frank, it's remained a mystery to me, and I want to keep it that way, because when I get to certain airports and I see a funny machine,

and I think, I don't understand those people with their cling film. Have you seen those machines ever? Is it anti-sniffer dog? I can't believe they'd have those at airports. If you want to shield your suitcase from sniffer dogs, queue here. Well, I just wee on mine. I saw a sniffer dog, must have told you this,

on the carousel once, walking along and not moving. Going from, yeah. Do you ever get the fantasy of going on? I wonder if there's some strange German word for it or something. I'm told they stop if somebody, you know, if a ten stone person... How do they know?

How dare you? Well, they feel that you'd be all right. Thank you. I'm just a bat register, I think. Alan, you'd be doing all right? I'm 13 on the nose, I think. If we're going to do weights, I'll throw my hat in the ring. On this, the topic of celebrities leaving and entering,

days of the producer just remind me about the Prince Charles thing when apparently he used to get up early in the morning and one of his bodyguards would drive a milk float and Prince Charles would have a milk float. Yes. And Prince Charles would have a scarf and a cap on, and he'd go around and just see how ordinary people lived. How lovely. Brilliant.

Even then he was in the electric. And you know what I loved? He was seeing... Frank, ordinary people in the borough of Kensington and Chelsea. So nice. Taxi Joe has been in touch to say does that mean Uncle Albert

out of only Fools and Horses was seeing Jerry Halliwell I'm sure I saw him with a duffel bag as well which is a great

observation one of the most famous duffel bag carriers Uncle Albert do you remember so Robbie Williams had

yeah he had Jerry Halliwell in there I would say yeah I, I mean, she's five, she's five foot. She's petite. And she was, yeah. Even so, did he, you said he carried her? Robbie Williams carried her

in the bag out to the car. I believe there are pictures that you can see. I haven't looked that up. Great way to get her. Bit of fun. Yeah. That's a nice thing to have on, Gerry plus Hallowell in bag. Yeah.

Put that to Kath first, yeah? I can't imagine many women who would agree to get in the bag. I would, just FYI. Would you? Would you? I'm small. It's got to have its uses. It'd be good for social media next week

when we put Emily in a bag. What about if you saw David Copperfield, the magician, leaving with two bags? Two smaller duffel bags. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show.

I'd like to talk about a referee this morning. This referee's called David McNamara. Oh, that referee. Do you know him? Well, I do now. Well, I'll tell you how he's become famous. He's become a ledge. He's become a ledge because instead he rejected the traditional coin toss

in favour of the rock, paper, scissors decider. Yes. Didn't he? And the game was at Man City Reading for the ladies football. Yeah. Women's Super League. But he's got into a lot of trouble.

Not a little bit, but a lot of trouble. Well, he forgot his coin, didn't he? We should just say that he didn't do it on purpose. I think he forgot his coin and realised that it was a televised game and needed to... It said he left his coin in the dressing room, to which I ask, you don't have another one? No one in that whole stadium has a coin?

How badly off are these people? That's a good point. Just say Lenders Tempe. Also, I don't know what Tempe is. They'd have been throwing them at him. I just said Lenders Tempe, and they don't even think Tempe exists anymore okay

I don't think I mean we're not probably not talking about 65,000 people but there would have been people there a steward must have 20 people

I'll tell you what in fairness to Davey Mack yeah yeah is that it was on telly this match so you know

they're very keen on getting everything happening at the right time. Yeah. So I think if it hadn't been, he would have delayed it and gone and got his coin. Yeah. But... And Rock Paper Scissors isn't that bad, is it?

I thought it was actually very inventive of him, which obviously is why the FA didn't like it. It could have been a lot worse, couldn't it? If he'd gone with nicest eyes. Man City had the nicest eyes. That would have been a lot worse, couldn't it? If he'd gone with nicest eyes. Man City had the nicest eyes. That would have been... Which captain's got the nicest eyes? That would have been a real...

I think that's fair enough. That would have been terrible. I think if you decide on the body part beforehand and it's in a sealed envelope, obviously. Yeah, but he'd have forgot that. I think you've accidentally hit the nail on the head there

I think one of the problems with this is that he's a male referee and it's a woman's football match Oh no And it sounds a bit like maybe

he wasn't taking it completely seriously Yeah That's why I think they're being hard on him But apparently it does happen doesn't it Someone said

because other referees are making a stand, taking, making a stand with him, and they're saying, you know, not in my name, essentially. They're saying it's not fair, he shouldn't be suspended. No. I mean, the BBC have robbed, suddenly, out of the blue, robbed Doctor Who of the coveted Christmas Day TV slot.

No-one's suggesting they're doing that just because you're thinking, ah, Sonny, a woman, Doctor Who. You seem to be. Yeah, you seem to be. You're the only one doing that. I'm not suggesting that. They're thinking I should just be making lunch

for the whole thing. He won't be happy until it's called Doctor Perkins, essentially. I think I'll miss it on Christmas Day, is all I'm saying. Well, you've got the Olsen John advert. That is true. I have, and that goes backwards in time, of course. Lovely.

Did you hear what one of these referees, Keith Hackett, his name was? He uses... Oh, yeah. You know him? I thought you might be familiar with his work because he uses the footballer's tense in a brilliant way, Frank. He said he's under time pressure. Yeah.

He's gone out to the middle. He's forgotten the coin. Yeah. Okay, thanks for that, Keith. Well, the head of the Women's Referees Association said he should have been more prepared. He should have had a coin that's he forgot he forgot the coin that's it and what's the point in saying that yeah she also said get this um that it was a moment of madness

it made me think when I read that. A very sheltered life. Do you know Daniel Johnson, the singer-songwriter? Yes. His dad was flying him back from a gig

in a small plane. They had an argument. Daniel Johnson switched the ignition off and threw the keys out the window. What would the female referee boss

describe that as? A really big moment of madness. That's a that? Really big moment. That's a very, very big moment. You've been a very naughty boy. Yeah. For those of you who are anxious, his dad, who was an experienced pilot, managed to crash land in trees,

which is what, that's the secret of doing it. But even so, you know, this bloke forgot her coin and thought, well, thinking on me feet, scissors, paper, stone. Come on, God. I mean, come on. What's Ruth Ellis? Come on. Pardon?

What's she called, Ruth Ellis? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. What about Ruth Ellis? And, mate, she was given, she was dealt with quite harshly as well. It hasn't gone that far, thank the Lord. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So he was suspended for 21 days. Is that right? Goodness me. What I mean for good... Can I...

I... I... In my experience of football, I've watched a lot, I don't think the kick-off, who kicks off... I know people sometimes like to play into their own fans at certain half or whatever, but as far as the result is concerned,

I've never seen any stats on teams winning who have kicked off. Right. I don't think it's a big deal. Decider. I agree. In a way that perhaps it is in tennis a bit more. When you consider that referees make appalling decisions

about things like penalties and stuff like that, which are absolutely crucial, or don't punish people for really dangerous tackles. And this bloke's got a 21-day suspension over a kick-off. Yeah. I'm feeling a bit like I'm going to have a free David Mattman and Amara T-shirt. I think you should.

Shall we? Yeah, that'd be good. If we lead the campaign... Do a charity single. I think it was a really good idea. Well, everything that I can think of that he could have done instead

would have taken longer. Like, keep up his competition. That would have taken longer. Tarot cards. Tarot cards would have taken longer. You have to set them up

on the pitch, blow away. Monopoly. Then you get death and it's a real buzzkill. What about if he'd done a riddle? Three, two, one.

My first is in fish, but not in sea. He could have brought on... My second's in bird and not in tree. They're going, hold on, let me just... He'd been shouting, Captains only, no conferring! Yeah, exactly. He could have brought on Dusty Finn.

They started to mob him over the riddle what does he get about the bird get back on just the captain or he could have gone I tell you what he should have gone he should have gone fortune teller fish oh yeah

the trouble is they often give an unclear result well the trouble if you didn't have a coin. Well, that's, who hasn't got a fortune teller fish in their back poche? The only trouble with the fortune teller fish is that some of the, I don't find it, I find it a bit strange, if I'm honest. Because it says, I think it's motionless, is dead one.

That means you're dead, yeah. No, it says dead one. Why dead one? Why rub it in? It means you're dead, yeah. No, it says dead one. Why dead one? Why rub it in? It means you're a dead one. Oh, OK. Yeah. And then it does fickle and envy.

It's not going to work for the two halves. Terrible. Has anyone finding a body put one of those fishes on a palm to see whether they're dead or not? Instead of feeling for a pop? I mean, it seems wrong to go for what essentially is a party item. The NHS have provided with them.

It's terrible. No, I'm not a fan. I don't like the fortune teller fish. I mean, I'd never be without one. What about... Well, I mean, he could have done red or yellow, I suppose, and held the card behind his back. That would have been...

He must have had those with him. That's a good idea. If he had any kind of sheet of paper, he could have made one of those origami things where you pick a colour. Oh, yeah, yeah. Frank. Pick a number.

One, two, three, four. Yeah, they'd have got there in the end. What are they called? They've got a funny name. I think they're called those origami things. No, they're not, darling. They've got a special name. Text us in.

They are. Do you know what I mean? So they have numbers and then colours and then I think they say who you love or something like that. Yes, they're very low-tech fortune. I mean, that's what I love about them. Yeah, depending on how well the pitch was maintained, maybe a mud wrestle could have gone.

I think if he'd have suggested that, he'd have been suspended for more than three days. Even bigger trouble. Yeah, but notice, Frank, he's got to get the old wrestling. It's all about the grappling. It's all about the grappling. Gets in every word, doesn't it? Look, if it had been a man's game,

I'd have been all right with it, but I just think it's gone to a wrong place for breakfast radio. Yeah. If it's a woman's game, are they all right to be calling themselves Man City? No. Surely they should call themselves Woman City. Wouldn't it be great if they be calling themselves Man City? No. Surely they should call themselves Woman City.

Wouldn't it be great if they had called themselves Woman City? I would really respect them. Me too. Yeah. What about Oddersfield? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've been talking about, well, rock. David McNamara. Yes. Papers, do you call it, what do you call this game? Can I just ask a question? I call it Scissors, Paper, Stone. Is that not what it's called?

That was exactly what I used to call it. But apparently these people call it rock. Rock, Paper, Scissors. They don't just call it rock. Surely that would be confusing if they were in Blackpool can i tell you what they call it what um rps did it which i hate and i don't think is a thing because the thing about rps oh that's weird i know this because of this study that they did a couple of years ago. And do you know what they discovered? That rock is the most commonly chosen, or stone for us, Frank.

Yeah. Everyone chooses that. Did you know that already? People overstick with it. They do too much of it. Well, the truth is, if you actually had scissors, paper and a rock, the rock would destroy the scissors and the paper easily. No, the paper covers it, doesn't it? Yeah, but I mean, does that mean that I am constantly

beaten by my duvet? I don't know what you get up to with your friends. In the Doctor Who world. No, but I'm not inferior to my duvet, even though it covers me. Strange, Jude the Obscure. Good point.

Modern telling of Jude the Obscure story. I play Scissors, Paper, Stone quite a lot now because my child has introduced it into my head. I thought you played a lot of female football. No. No, I... It's bad now. So he does it

and he goes I don't he goes and then I think he does three two three three yeah and then he does

so he did that and whenever he he does our paper covers down I always think so what yeah that's not in any form

of beating it that it's covering I know. I'm not happy with that. Don't let the player hate the game. Very good, Al. I'm not anti in the... I mean, you don't need anything to play it.

I mean, the things we've talked about as the alternative for the referee, we needed... That's why Al liked it. It's free. It's a sort of... A lovely game for you kids. Never mind that. We'll be glad of it post-Brexit.

Yeah, for all the family. It's an austerity top trumps. Well, apparently, you're absolutely right, Frank, but you are about a lot of things. Thank you, darling. Apparently, rock is the alpha person's choice. Oh. Well, you can see why.

They seem such nice,'re Christian and the outfits yeah nice piece apparently I suppose it's on my on this rock I will build my church that's what you're thinking oh right

yeah and that tends to be men are most likely to go with rock not my words the words of the survey women most likely to go with scissors

are they oh that's terrible cutting up the suits. Terrible stereotype. I know, but this is true. I think you can say it about populations. I think you're allowed to. I think paper is on such a loser with a rock and a pair of scissors.

Which is exactly why you should always go for it. Paper? The experts say. Hear me out. I'm hearing you out. Because the most obvious choice, forgive me, Frank, will always go for rock. So you rule that out. Scissors is the least popular. Yeah.

Okay? I'll be honest. I often don't know what I'm going for, even as I'm going for it. Shut up. I don't make any decisions in advance. I just play it completely spontaneously. I just let it out. Sometimes it's quite an offensive gesture.

Yeah. They ought to have a finger as one of the things because that is when the paper really comes into its own, is the paper cut. Oh, yeah. So if they included paper and just a bare finger and they had paper, I'd think, well, that's fair enough because that does really hurt

also paper covering a rock you'd be able to I mean the child would pick that every time for mischievous reasons so you'd be able to win them every time

and I love winning over a child fun for all the family yeah scissors I'd never go scissors though surely would you go paper over scissors

oh I don't know what I'm going to do it just comes out I just such a free spirit I love that thing I'd play a scissors, though. Surely, would you go paper over scissors? Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. It just comes out. I just... It's such a free spirit. I love that game. It's a loose cannon at that game, isn't it? I'm going to play it cosmically.

It's fantastic. Oh, no lemons. But when I play with boss, he'll go, I'll go, say if I caught with stone, he goes scissors. He goes, oh, no! You think? Right. You need to leave yourself somewhere to go.

You're sort of the John McEnroe of the rock, paper, scissors world. When we see you at the third time, you'll just be... You cannot be serious! And you can't let them win, that's one of the problems. Oh, yeah. Are you not allowed to? Well, I mean, you'd have to put a bit of delay in there, I think. Well, yeah.

But you, apparently, this survey also said you can, there are tells. You said? There are tells. Tells? Tells. T-E-L-L-S. Are you familiar with the poker system of tells? No, I don't. So it means a way of telling if someone's, you know, what their next move's going to be. Like if they're

balling up their fist, they're probably going to go rock. No, but if they are about to do rock, you will see the thumb inside. I would never do that because that's a terrible fist. If they're muttering snip, snip, snip to themselves, I know what I'd go for. A vasectomy. Anyway, so let's move on.

Where did that come from? That's the end of... I know, but I didn't mean it in that way. So thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

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