The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Offal

Episode Date: March 7, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank and Emily are away this week so Alun takes the reins and is joined by Steve Hall and Zoe Lyons. The team discuss the result of Alun's meat shop, come across an unconventional serving of cheese and biscuits, talk Kim Kardashian's new 'do' and feel the love for Harrison Ford.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning. You're listening to Absolute Radio. This is Alan Cochran standing in for Frank Skinner. You can text the show

on 8 12 15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm joined by Steve Hall and Zoe Lyons. Good morning. Morning. Morning team. Morning. I will be filling in

for Frank. Frank and Emily indeed are away this week. I'm not going to make up any funny lies about where they might be, although that is my temptation always. But let's just say I've had a very quiet week. I did some stand-up on Sunday night. I did a solo show in Wolverhampton. And since then, I have not had a professional engagement.

That's no reflection on how the gig went in Wolver that no no it went well but um as as a self-employed person a week with no professional engagements is usually a like a moment of worry isn't it you start thinking oh my god the bubbles burst how am I gonna how am I gonna meet the bills and then suddenly I'm promoted in my job and I get Frank's seat for a week so So I'm a terrible example to the working world. They all work hard to get promotions. Actually, what you should just do is ease up a bit and it just comes to you. That's the absolute truth. But yeah, we're all self-employed in this show, on air as it were.

When you do get a quiet week, I always see it as a bit of a firewall now because next week's very busy and February was busy. So I kind of, I'm fine with it. But at the same time, there's a little alarm bell in my head that's thinking, oh, you used to be uneasy about this little work. And you can imagine how I felt when I got home one day this week and my wife had both the central heating and the fire on. And I was like, it's a quiet week week you can't do this during a quiet week this is unacceptable yeah one has to go one has to go

and we're in spring now so the fire is excessive what are either of them doing on but does that make you think that when you're away on the road earning a crust she's just got every appliance oh my goodness it must be like a furnace in there. Probably just got the kettle permanently going. Like if you're gonna have two things on, make it hat and scarf. That's what I say. Why have both on? But yeah, I'm not gonna just moan about the bills. Did you utilise your time well though on your week off? Yeah, I had a nice time, yeah, it's been alright.

Did you do anything around the house or? I did a little bit around the house. A little bit of DIY? No. No. You've not met me much, you've not met me much you've not met me much i don't do a lot of the diy i'm not really that guy i don't know i did a bit of writing and i did a bit of mooching i like mooching i like a mooch i did mooch to the butchers um i uh i went to the butchers and i sort

of i have a habit when i do meat shopping where I think, oh, God, what? I don't think I've ever heard the phrase meat shopping when it's not meant as a euphemism. No, it's just very much not. What's wrong with meat shopping? No, it's great. It's just a brilliant phrase. Who's going to do the meat shopping this week?

See, that has no humour to it for me because that's a sentence I would say fairly frequently. Well, we're going to come back to my meat shopping. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were discussing my meat shop. Is that... I don't think it's that big a thing. I think I got over-excited. Yeah, I said to my wife, I'm going to the butchers.

I was mooching about, I was doing some other shops. A little bit of Valentine's. Yeah, I was passing the butchery that's near me, and it's a good one, it's expensive, but I'm not going to moan. And I went in, and I have this bad habit of, when I go into proper butchers, where everything does seem a bit expensive of thinking,

oh, why can't I do what they do on the telly where they buy cheap bits of meat and make them delicious? And so I quite often come out with something for stewing. Zoe, you're looking very upset at what's about to come here. I'm sensing a vegetarian in the corner. No, I'm a big carnivore. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah.

When I go meat shopping, I take a trolley. A wheelie trolley. I come out with thigh bones coming out the top. Oh, that sounds good. I bought a tongue. Oh, no. I bought a whole ox tongue in cellophane. And it didn't look nice.

And I held it up and said to the butcher, what is this? And he said, it's a tongue. And I said, how much are these? And he said, a fiver. So I bought this massive ox tongue. They are huge, aren't they? Yeah. And then went back with all the intentions of,

I'm going to make this delicious, because that's what we should do. If we're going to eat animals, we should eat the whole thing and not be icky because it's a tongue. And it took about three hours, and then you have to put it in cold water. You have to beat it with sticks to make it tender. No, not at all. You do boil it for quite a while, but then there's an unpleasant bit where you have to put it in cold water, and you basically get a sharp knife and cut the skin off the tongue, so you can actually see that it tasted, so it is a bit icky. And then you put it into, like, a dish and you press it. You can pour gelatine on it and you press it with something heavy.

I think I should have used the dish that I haven't been sick in already in the past. Because I think I had a slight ickiness about it being a previous sick bowl. I've just become vegetarian. Do you know, I used to love ox tongue as a kid, you know, the sliced ox tongue. Yeah, yeah, in sandwiches. Until I worked out it was, until my mum said, no, that is top. I was like, I just thought they called it that.

Well, yeah, yeah, I think, um, I think the fact that it is childhood is when it's best to eat it, as was proven in our family when I thought it was disgusting and so I gave it to my daughter as, uh, as beef. Yeah. Special to my daughter as beef. Special beef.

Mouth beef. Maybe that's what it is, though. Maybe we should just rebrand it a bit. Like, in my head, I should just think of it as vitamin beef. Yes. And then it would be totally fine. But anyway, that tickled the taste buds. I'm not a big uncle fan.

I mean, literally. Literally, it tickled the taste buds. It's very funny. It's a tongue. Not just mine. Yeah. Little joke there on 8-12-15 text in if you enjoyed that one. No, don't. Don't text

in just if you enjoyed things. We don't want to exclude the haters. We're so used to you guys. And we'll be back. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. May I just say, when I just moved the faders up for us to begin talking after that track,

that is the most I've worked in the last six days. We've actually had a text saying, congrats on the promotion, Lecoq. Oh, thanks. Are you now setting your sights on the Room 101 chair? Yeah, absolutely. Are you now setting your sights on the Room 101 chair? Yeah, absolutely. Small steps. You just have to do nothing for the next month, Alan,

and then get the phone call. And then get exhausted moving that fader that he's got. What is it? You know, he pulls on a handle, doesn't he? Oh, God. I'd need to... I'd probably need to get fit for that, wouldn't I? I did say that I had the the ox tongue and

that i didn't actually like it my first few tastes of it tasted mainly of horseradish because i tried to hide the taste of ox tongue with horseradish and then i thought i should go sans horseradish and see how it is didn't really enjoy that um and i i feel like I'm sounding like one of those people that is squeamish about eating. I'm actually not very squeamish. And one of the reasons that I buy the ox tongue is that I'm thinking, well, we should eat off, or we should eat...

And I've eaten it in other stuff, haven't I? It's obvious. Like, if you've ever bought cheap processed meat, you've had it. It's been in a hot dog. Cheap bangers. Yeah, exactly. It's been in there.

And I'm a man who once ate a cheeseburger that he bought from a woman who sneezed in her hands as he was buying it. And I was too polite to say anything. It just looked like a gelatin kind of coating. So I'm not squeamish. I just want you all to know that I'm not squeamish. I was just checking this. I wasn't sure what the etymology of offal, the word offal. And it literally comes from off fall. It's like there's nothing fancy about it. Off fall. So it's stuff that's fallen off. Fallen off?

Yeah. Oh, is it? That is through Germanic sources. How does your stomach lining fall off? That's a good question. But just the idea that someone's kind of basically going, would you like this stuff that I got from the floor? Yeah. That's basically the way they're selling it. It's good, though. I mean, it's good good question. But just the idea that someone's kind of basically going, would you like this stuff that I got from the floor? Yeah.

That's basically the way they're selling it. It's good, though. I mean, it's good in theory. And did your daughter like it? Yeah, she liked it. But I like the theory of it. My problem is that I get a bit enchanted at the idea of, oh, it's going to be cheap and nutritious and delicious.

And also, it takes so long to cook that as that time passes, I convince myself more and more that I'm an awful kind of guy. So literally, whilst the tongue was cooking, I was looking at buying awful cookbooks online, thinking, oh my God, if I really love this, I could get really into it. You'd be like a really grotty Jamie Oliver. My only experience of awful is tripe sticks for the dog and oh, they smell. Yeah, don't have them. I mean, I haven't eaten the dog sticks. No, just a lick now and again. My friend used to freeze lumps of

tripes for his dog in the summer and they'd just melt on the sofa. Yeah. Nice. Oh, wow. We didn't go round their house often. It's making me hungry. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's making me hungry. You're listening to Absolute Radio and we've been talking awful, but we're going to move on.

We've had a text from Ian. He says, Alan, as Dick Emery would have said, you are awful, but we like you. Oh, nice, thanks. We've also had a chef has contacted. Dale Ventham has said, we have ox tongue on the menu at work with foie gras, poached quince and balsamic dressing. And there is a picture.

He's tweeted a picture, so if anyone wants to look on the Absolute. I think I'd be giving all of that to my daughter or the Whippet, to be honest. It's been a good week for the Whippet. Honestly, the ox tongue in gelatine, it looked like dog food. Dog got your tongue? Yeah, exactly. Very good. You very rarely see an overweight Whippet, do you?

No. I'd quite like to see one now. I've sort of pictured it in my head. Imagine it's sort of like a potato on matchsticks. Probably Google. Google could be your friend here. Yeah, Google. Fat Whippet. Fat Whippet. Whop it. sticks probably google google could be your friend here in other food news oh yes one of my favorite

news stories of the week did you see the picture of the woman who ordered cheese not the picture of the woman the picture the woman posted she ordered cheese and biscuits at a hotel i did see this photograph and i would urge the readership to uh to google images cheese and biscuits at a hotel. I did see this photograph, and I would urge the readership to Google images cheese and biscuits photo or whatever it is. If you're in a bad mood, it is the photograph to lift any mood. It is, although it makes me feel sorry for the member of staff that did it, because they're obviously from, forgive me, an uncultured family. They just don't eat cheese and biscuits. So they've gone in and been really literal about it, like, well, I don They just don't eat cheese and biscuits.

So they've gone in and been really literal about it, like, well, I don't know, it's cheese and biscuits. Maybe that's what people have. So we should describe it. It's a massive dinner plate, literally a big dinner plate, piled high with, like, six or seven huge wedges of cheese and then Jammy Dodgers, boar buns and custard cream. So not like crackers

for cheese, just biscuits, like real biscuits. It's one of the most perfectly taken photos. The Jammy Dodger that's front and centre just offsets it perfectly. If you were going to do a still life painting, I would like to see Van Gogh have had a go at this. It does have

a still life quality to it. It's very good. I think of all the biscuits, the Jammy Dodger probably would complement the cheese the best. Because it's got a slight... Well, because... Like eating Quinn's Jam or something. Because Quince has mentioned the nice...

It's got that slight sweetness to it. And I think a little slither of brie... On your Jammy Dodger... Yeah. I reckon... This could revolutionise cuisine This could be the way forward We're actually taking the micking out of this

This could be Heston Blumenthal style Yeah Cheese and Cheese board Yeah Nobody knows that it's not good No Nobody's actually said

This was disgusting Because you know It's two things that are nice Cheese and biscuits They're both nice Why not Why come together I don't think they identified

Which hotel it took place in But it could be I think it's the Ritz Or the No I don't think they identified which hotel it took place in, but it could be that the trip... I think it's the Ritz or the... No, no, no, I'm just kidding. Well, it's somewhere reasonable because there's a tablecloth in the background. I love...

Their TripAdvisor page could just be amazing. They did this wonderful thing. Imagine my surprise when I ordered the fish and chips and it came with parts of a computer. Yeah, I just wonder what the Beef Wellington looked like. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So this week was National Book Week. Oh, yes. Apparently I don't have children, and not that interested in books, so... Did you mean to say, apparently, comma, I don't have children? Apparently I don't have children. Not that I know of. I might, yeah.

It just dropped out all over the place. But, yeah, it was National Book Week, which... I don't know, how long has this been going on? Book Day. Book Day. How long has this been going on for? I. Book Day. How long has this been going on for? I don't know. How long has it been going on Steve? It's a few years but this is the first year where the world has taken notice.

No I think we talked about it on this show last year too but it was beginning to get big then. It just seems to me another this is why I don't have children because that awful moment when they come home and they say, I've got to go into school dressed as whatchamacallit.

Such and such, yeah. And then you have a nightmare where you realise you've never been able to sew, knit, stick anything together. Yeah. And you just end up sending a kid to school in a bin bag, just saying. Yeah. You're going as Stig as the... Stig the Dumb. Stig is a great outfit, actually. Stig the Dumb.

Oh, I never thought of Stig. Stig is a great outfit, actually. Stig of the dump. Oh, I never thought of Stig. Not as good as the kid who went to school dressed as Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey. Can I say, nothing has made me happier this week, including the awful, than this story about the child

being barred from the school photograph for being dressed as a Christian Grey character. I did think it might be one of those radical faith schools and that he wasn't allowed because he went dressed as a Christian grey character. I did think it might be one of those radical faith schools and that he wasn't allowed because he went dressed as a Christian. But no. It was... It's a pretty remarkable show. And I love how he's just not apologised. They've

interviews with a kid. Yeah. And he just doesn't care. She says he suggested it. I'm not convinced of that. I love the way she accessorised it. Because she was being interviewed on the radio and they said, you know, what was he wearing? Just a suit.

And they went, anything else? A little face mask and some cable ties. And you're like, wow, that's really thick. An eye mask and cable ties, like a really vain skybox installer. She did give the added evidence of there were only small cable ties. Like, that's not... Well, he's only 11. Exactly. Perfect. I can sympathise with the school

to a degree, because how do you explain if a kid says what's, you know, if a kid asks about it, you go, how do you explain S&M to 11-year-olds? Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they write some really turgid prose. At least he went through with the full outfit, though.

I like that. I like he went through. I once went to a fancy dress party that was themed Creatures of the Sea, and my mate John hired a Captain Hook costume and came along without the hook because he didn't like it. Why did you hire that costume? And he went, I just didn't like the hook. The hook is the thing, isn't it?

The hook is literally the hook. You've come as the captain. You've not come as Captain Hook. And he had one of those sort of, like, costume supply black curly wigs on. He basically looked like Charles II. That was his outfit yeah he just wasn't bothered at all by the actual uh my my son went as um uh what did he go as let me have a think

um he went as tintin and uh my wife spent quite a long time getting his like quiff curled up and we bought him a little jumper and stuff and the night before it he said can I go as something else? We bought it all and his best suggestion was can I go as Captain Underpants which is from a funny book, Captain Underpants and then almost immediately after our faces lit up he went, oh but I don't want people to see my underpants

you can't do that either then Captain Hook and Captain Underpants both need the actual thing He went, oh, but I don't want people to see my underpants. You can't do that either then. Captain Hook and Captain Underpants both need the actual thing. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've been discussing National Book Day. Yes. And I had a great time. I'm wondering, I live in quite a posh bit of town and i saw some kids dressed as uh sherlock holmes i just wanted to get you as soon as you said that

so some kids dressed in deer stalkers and me and my wife were discussing is that a national book day or is that just a uniform well i am i call my son Lord Fauntleroy conversationally because he's from a different era from me. He's posh, like he eats olives and I've got free school dinners. It's very different. There's that kind of chasm. But I call him Little Lord Fauntleroy all the time.

And so it only occurred to me yesterday that, oh, he could have gone as Little Old Ponderoy on World Book Day, but we never. He went in as Tintin, as I said. But at least not Captain Underpants, because I feel sorry for the teachers. I think that would be a great suggestion. I feel sorry for the teachers, because as a teacher, you might not know that that book exists. Yeah. There's someone who went as the monkey with a bright blue bottom.

Apparently that's a book. And your teacher's just going to go, well, you've just made that up. Made that up. He's going to go, well, you've just made that up. Totally. I'm going to go, what are you going to do? I'm going to go as a bogey that swears at teachers. That's a good idea, isn't it? It's definitely a book. Yeah, it's a total... Yeah. I was thinking of just keeping him off and saying that he went in as Huckleberry Finn.

A famous truant. That's alright, isn't it? Got a nice text here from someone who said, I can't see the problem with the Christian Grey outfit myself. He was a businessman. Goldilocks was a thief and Snow White broke in. They raise a good point. All good points, yeah. So if you are going to go as Christian Grey to school,

you'd better have a safe word. You'd better make sure that your fellow students know that safe word for the kids. Break time! That would be a very nuanced bit of detail for the costume. If he just pulled out a piece of paper with the same word on it and showed it to the teachers. If that was the trailer for the film,

I have some very specific tastes. Enlighten me. Well, they're like the Beano in football. Have you got a costume that you would go as? I was thinking about this. I think I would go as the bloke from Portnoy's Complaint. We'd just bring some meat now that is a joke that is very reliant on people having read port noise complaint yeah

zoe we'll move on um probably moby dick yeah yeah just a massive whale in fact that's where ox tongue would come into its own because it looks very much like blubber and i reckon you can make an outfit entirely out of ox tongue. Is that what Lady Gaga was up to when she was wearing the meat hat? Yeah. It turned out we didn't even realise at the time it was World Book Day. Embarrassingly, I was asked by my wife what character I would go as, and without even thinking, I, Jack Reacher.

You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute. It's not Frank Skinner, I'm Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. We're particularly interested in what you dressed up as on World Book Day. You can follow the show on Twitter, 15. We're particularly interested in what you dressed up as on World Book Day. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, and you can email the show via the Absolute website.

I'm joined by Steve Hall and Zoe Lyons. Morning. That's what I have to do at the top of an hour, guys. On the subject of World Book Day, Zoe has just seen out of the window here at Absolute Towers a man you talked about, Captain Underpants. Yeah, I can see him. We have real live Captain Underpants.

He's on about the sixth floor. Oh, he's gone now. I think maybe he's got the radio on. I think if I was listening to this, I wouldn't believe that. I would think, oh, those wacky guys, they're making up that someone's in their underpants nearby. But it's true. It's true, people. Honestly, would we lie to you? He had a good he had

a good pair of pecs on him as well he sure did yeah yeah there you go on a saturday morning that's he was a beefcake lovely yeah um live in world book day he is captain underpants he's got a lot of publicity captain underpants today on it um so there. Did we discuss what you would go as for World Book Days, have we? I said Moby Dick dressed up in tongue meat. Oh, I was quite a depressive child and I think I'd probably go as Winston Smith from 1984. Oh, nice, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just a sort of boiler suit and a comb over. I did think of sending my son just in his normal uniform and when they said, what are you here as, Him saying, I've got a little sister, big brother. Nice.

It's all right, isn't it? Yeah. Or even just say Tom Brown school days. Tom Brown school days. Just a kid in a uniform. Like a kid in school, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It's not that hard, is it?

Have we heard from the outside world about what they're dressed up as? I bet we haven't, have we? We haven't. But let's, 8, 12, 15, let's hear what they would send their kids as. Yes. Because if someone sent their kid as Christian Grey, if you sent your kid just as Jesus, would that have been worse than...

You've got different styles. It could be quite... I'm not talking full... I'm not talking the end bit of the story. That would be slightly bleak. I mean, it is a book. There's no technicality there. And I would say it's the good book.

It's the good book. I mean, I do like a Jack Reacher novel. I realise that people didn't know who he was, but he's quite a gung-ho hero type, and so it just proves what a simple man I am. That's one of the joys of Book Day, is because there are now so many tie-in books. People can send their kids as Iron Man,

and it's not a problem because there are books that exist. Well, that kid that went with the cable ties, he was technically going for a tie-in books, people can send their kids as Iron Man and it's not a problem because there are books that exist. Well, that kid that went with the cable ties, he was technically going for a tie-in book, wasn't he? Daisy's handed me a bit of paper already. Really? We've already gone through a whole link? Unbelievable. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. On World Book Day, we've had a text from Anna that says,

I didn't get dressed up, but one of my English teacher colleagues dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz with wig and basket with teddy bear dog. The kids' faces were so funny to watch when they saw him around school. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I've got a tweet's been sent in. Sam sent in a tweet of his son Ethan dressed as Captain Underpants. So now I know what Captain Underpants looks like.

He's cleverly done the T-shirt which says, it's got written on it, Captain Underpants, in case there was any confusion. That's a good call. Is Captain Underpants bald? Yeah. Oh, right. I think he's an ageing man.

Right. Hence the mild breakdown that's led to him wearing underpants in public. Yeah. Now, I know we don't normally read... They're there for the grace of God. We don't normally read out praise, but I'm going to read praise for a specific reason here. Carl and Heaton Moore has texted the show to say, Hello, Alan. Lying in bed listening to your great show.

It's a good start. Lovely compliment. I wouldn't normally read praise. Lying in bed listening to your great show. My wife Caroline just told me that she heard of someone getting sent home from school on world book day as they were dressed as a character from 50 shades of grey so yeah there's this text had a lot of hope at the beginning didn't it i was thinking great flattery from someone who's obviously listening and now i'm thinking no somebody hasn't listened to any bit of the show. Flattering from someone who's not really listening or is a fool

and has been listening and has immediately forgotten the things we have talked about. Wouldn't it be great if I started just breaking all of Frank's rules and we did just read praise, like Steve Wright in the afternoon. Love the show, guys. I love the fact that he does that. He's a big radio hero of mine. I'm not slagging him off, I want you to know that. I genuinely like Steve Wright in the afternoon. Everyone's faces look really shocked.

He's absolutely fantastic. I think he's great. But, you know, we can't start doing stuff like, what are you driving these days? What are you driving these days? Exactly. Why can't we do stuff like that? See, I am so boring that I would very easily get into this. You know, I've just, I stopped myself this morning when we were talking about my week,

I stopped myself telling you that I polished two pairs of boots consecutively. I mean, that is boring, isn't it? No, it depends. Did they turn out well? Yeah, they turned out good. Brown, they were. Both brown. What sort of dubbing did you use? Just a brown boot polish, but I also realised this yesterday. I put on another pair of brown boots and thought, ah, I could have done these at the same time.

Did you use any Saphir Renovateur? What did you say to me? I thought you'd be right up your street. Saphir Renovateur. No, I'm still not bilingual. It's like preserves leather. It's fantastic. It's the thing that smells best in the world. Oh, I think I've got some of that.

It's sensational. It's not a brand name. I think that's just the generic name. Oh, OK, so we don't have to say, oh, the Safia Rana matters are available. It's got a slight sweetness to it. Yeah, oh, it's awesome. Is it like dubbing? Tastier.

I don't know what dubbing is. I regard dubbing as Tastier. I don't know what... You don't know what dubbing is? I'm not really sure. I regard dubbing as additional dialogue recording. If you've polished your boots this week, 8.12.15 is the place to text. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I noticed, actually, I've got a pair of blue boots. I've got some blue Clarks boots. I mean, who's got blue boot polish?

Yeah. Maybe you could use it as a transparent... Did you hear me burp? That was a little... Yes. It's nice. So unprofessional. Seems you're not alone with the old polish love as well, because a nice parade gloss oxblood for my Dr Martens.

Very satisfying, says 640. And John in Hereford, and I'm saying his name because the final three numbers of his mobile number are 666. So I'm going to call him John in Hereford. I polished my boots five times this week, but then again, I am in the army, so I guess it doesn't count. That doesn't count, because you've been told to. You are literally working for the man.

Thank you for your service, John. Yeah, yeah, sort of. I mean, maybe I should buy blue boot polish, but then for every year in the future, my children will have to go to World Book Day dressed as Smurfs, won't they? Yeah. Nobody's going to get through a whole tin of blue boot polish ever, are they? Or Avatar.

Anyway, we can move on now. I just wanted to touch on, obviously, the Harrison Ford story is quite upsetting this week, but delightful that he's going to survive. Yeah, I didn't find it that upsetting at all. I thought it was great. Oh, really? What a legend. Well, it's heroic that he managed to land it somewhere safe.

Brilliant. But it's always, when something like that happens, there's a lot of outpouring of love for people. Yeah. But it's only when we think we might lose them. It sort of was a reminder to me to tell people that I love them just all the time, but not just... Are you OK? Not just friends and family,

but as in people, like, celebs that we've loved. Yeah. So for no reason today, Brian Kant, what a wonderful human being. Yeah. Nothing wrong with him. OK. I'm worried about you, Steve. This is not the normal you that I know

But it's nice Bert Reynolds, he's awesome Yeah, okay, good Harrison did prove that he was a proper hero I'm going to pick up on Steve's point The hairy bikers, I'm a big fan I really like them Tony Robinson, awesome

This could be the weirdest texting ever Who do you still like? I really like them. Tony Robinson, awesome. This could be the weirdest text ever. Who do you still like? Do you want to say it out loud? Sorry, what were you saying, Zoe? He did an incredible job to land that thing. That's what they're saying. They're saying that he saved lives by not crashing on any buildings or people.

And it's disastrous. The level of anxiety that he must have suffered when he realised the lights had gone out at 3,000 feet, the level of anxiety must have been catastrophic. Not for Harrison Ford. But because he is Harrison Ford, I just wonder if somewhere in the back of his mind there was something going... HE SINGS Yes, absolutely.

HE SINGS I've got this covered. Yeah, I mean... The self-help people say you are what you constantly do. Yeah. You become what you practise. I love... He has.

I love the tweet that his son sent. Oh, yeah. The phrase, for your own son to say of you, he is every bit the man you would think he is. Yeah. That is awesome. That's like a gauntlet thrown down for life. Yeah.

That's how to live a life, that. I mean, the sad thing about that is I read it and got jealous of a 72-year-old man. Because I think the same is true of me. I think my wife would say of Alan Cochran, he's every bit the man you think he is. He's an idiot. He's a gangly fool. You shouldn't be jealous of a 72-year-old man when you're a 40-year-old legend.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I believe we've had a couple of texts in, haven't we? 568 says, I'm a huge fan of Terry Nutkins. What a bloke. 038, I want to say I'm very fond of Philip Schofield Nice Steve, I never thought you would bring a positive

vibe like this to this show but that could be the consecutive months that I've lived with you at the Edinburgh Festival over the years so I'm really shocked shocked and delighted of Tunbridge Wells Also in the good vibe, Emma Treble has tweeted

a delightful picture of her daughter attending World Book Day as the Hungry Caterpillar. You can see it on our Twitter page on Frank at Frank on the radio. It's delightful. Nice. I'm in a good mood. Aren't you? Mutt lifted. I don't know what's become of him.

Oh, he'll take your good mood away. This is from 390. Apparently, re-world book day, I heard a child whose mum made Queen of Hearts outfit, only to hold the children were not allowed to dress as baddies. Only heroes or goodies. Mad! No Captain Hook, no Cruella de Vil.

That's... Is that a stipulation of... It's an unusual subclause. Or do you think she's saying mad as in MAD, the magazine, Oh, that's... Is that a stipulation of...? It's an unusual subclause. Isn't it? Or do you think she's saying mad, as in MAD, the magazine? Possibly. There's got no Captain Hook and no Cruella de Vil. She's just pointing that out. You see, I totally would go as Cruella de Vil.

That is my casting entirely. I'm currently developing quite a marvellous grey streak in my hair. I only need 101 Dalmatians now and the look is complete. I think I'd make a good Voldemort. Nice. That'd be good. Yeah, give that a go. Anyway, can I just jump us back to Harrison Ford?

The thing I really, really like about this is that it interrupted a game of golf. That's my favourite bit about it. Because, in a way, it's almost like a civic duty to crash your plane on a golf course, isn't it. Because, in a way, it's almost like a civic duty to crash your plane on a golf course, isn't it? Because what a dull game. I mean, it really...

And if you are going to crash anywhere, a golf course in Santa Barbara, it's going to be littered with surgeons on an afternoon. Yeah, exactly. It's the handiest place to be. Perfect. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

I take my hat off to Harrison Ford, who's a thrill seeker still in his 70s. Because it started to happen to me. A vintage plane. It was a World War II plane. Has he had it since then? I hope he's had it since then. It's as old as him, I think. Oh, really?

He was born. Wow. You don't have to pay tax on them anymore or something I think. Oh, really? It's the same year he was born. Wow. You don't have to pay tax on them anymore or something like that. Right, yeah, it's a dodge. Yeah, it's a dodge. I get the whole... My brother took me last week. We went to Silverstone racetrack.

We went racing around Silverstone racetrack. And it was awesome! Was this a thing you wanted to do? I really wanted to do it. My brother had been given, he'd been bought the gift of going to go and try the cars there and he didn't want to go on his own so he paid for me to go along with him

and it was fantastic. It was fantastic for many reasons. A, I like cars. B, the character... I do. The show's got a bit of top gear, hasn't it? Yes. And B, the characters that you get on these sort of car experiences

are just how you'd expect them to be. There was a lot of slightly sort of dull-looking middle-aged men, but you could just see the burning ambition in their eyes. They were going, if I hadn't spent the last 25 years in welding, I could have so been Lewis Hamilton. And you could see them just dying to get in the car to show the world what they were capable of

and just their wives hanging out, taking pictures of them. And me, I was the only girl on the track. Were you? Yeah. Yeah. I stalled it ten times before I got out of the pits, but... Is that true? It's true, because if you ever drove one of these cars,

because it's like a proper little Formula One, so they're very pared down inside. Yeah, it's just a... And you've got to start... It's just a chassis and an engine, isn't it? It's just a chassis and a... Isn't it? The gear stick's just a little...

It's a chassis and an engine. It's a chassis and an... You're an expert on these things, aren't you? Yeah, absolutely. Got the wheels. I am the show's motoring correspondent until you turned up. Got the wheels, got the exhaust. But you've got to pull away as if you're...

Apparently you've got to pull away on these things as if you're taking off up a hill in third gear. But you've got to pull away as if you're, apparently you've got to pull away on these things as if you're taking off up a hill in third gear. So you've got to give it a lot of welly. Give it gas. So there's a bit of balance. Give it gas, yeah. Yeah. And then when it hits, the back end spins out.

It's awesome. That sounds fun. When you put your foot down, though, in these things, my God, there you go. Really? Yeah, there's nothing like doing, You're so not interested in this. No, I am. I am. Although, I'm so boring. If I did one of those track days,

I know as I was doing that, I would be doing mirror signal manoeuvre. That's the embarrassing bit. Working your shoulder chest out. There was some guy who overtook me, and I could see he was going too fast. He overtook me and then immediately span out in the corner in front of me and ended up in the ditch.

Excellent. And I just fist-pumped as I went past. A Luigi Death Star. Yeah. Long as you can marry a cat. Because he faced the wrong way. If someone overtook me on one of those tracks, I'd be hoping for a speed camera,

thinking, well, you'll get yours in a month. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about your driving experience. What are you driving these days? What am I driving?

I've got a Formula One car, actually, Alan. It's red. It's got a number 15 on the front. How big's the boot? Can you get quite a lot of shopping in there? You've got to do a small shop. You've got to do a delivered shop in those sort of cars. I can't get anything back from Ikea in the back of that. I only really like the sound of this if it genuinely does transfer into you getting to your gigs a bit quicker.

I want it to be... I can imagine if I wrapped up to gigs in that. No, but I don't even mean using the car. I mean, applyable skills. Do you get... Do you get to drive... Transferable skins. Do you actually arrive at places earlier and less stressed now? I have a greater understanding now of the braking into and out of corners.

Slow and fast out. Is that what they were discussing? Yes, but also consistent speed through the corner. Don't alter your speed in the corner. Don't brake or accelerate too much in the corner. If you're going too fast into the corner, leave it too fast and you'll pull out. That's what I learned. This moment is the happiest I've ever been on this show. Finally, I have made this show

properly at my level. How do you take a corner? Do you drive, Steve? I've never had a single driver lesson in my life. Never? Never. Total loser. Finally, we've got a whipping boy for the show. Because I believe in the planet, yeah, guys? And I'm scared

to drive. Aware of how badly coordinated I am. Have you never driven at all? I have never driven at all. Wow. Next time I drive to London, I'll take you out. We could go to a car park and you could drive around. That'd be fun.

That'd be amazing. You would stove my head in within 15 minutes. Probably, yeah, but that'd be fun too. Yeah, that'd be nothing to do with the driving. That'd just be, this has been a long time coming, Steve. So it's not applicable. For me, driving and riding a motorcycle,

they both came late in life, but they're both about transport. I have no interest in motorsports. I'd never go and watch it. It'd be Donna's Dishwater. It'd be really noisy as well. I once did a thing where I had to do spinny doughnuts for a TV thing. Honestly,

I wasn't particularly any more known or less known than I am now, but I got this call saying, oh, do you want to be flown to somewhere to drive a car? You'll get interviewed by Johnny Vaughan and you have to do doughnuts and figure eights in this souped-up, smelly, like you can smell petrol. Yeah, and rubber. And then you'll be flown home, and the fee is about 20 times what you normally get for a gig. And I did it. It was great fun. And I got home, and I still, to this day, feel like it was a dream.

I don't think it really happened. I honestly think it was a clerical error, and they think they've booked Alan Carr. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. You're listening

to Absolute Radio. I'm Alan Cochran filling in for Frank Skinner with Steve Hall and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, and you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. Please do let us know what you dressed up as for World Book Day,

what offal you like, what other... when you most recently polished your boots. We've got some pretty weird textings running. We've got a few different plates spinning. Yeah. Which celebrities do you like? Oh, yeah.

Someone said, you can't mention Brian Cant without also giving thanks for Derek Griffiths. Good call. They are 100% correct. Yeah. Someone said, on the comment of the kid who went to school dressed as Fifty Shades of Grey Man, someone said he had a mate that went as the Emperor's New Clothes. Got arrested. That's a mother who can't sew isn't it we've also we'd had some a reader had texted to say that they love terry nutkins and someone

has said sorry to implode the mood but isn't terry nutkins no longer with us that text is too late better celebrate chris packham instead yeah also. Like him. He's outspoken. We've got time for that. We've got a bit of time for that. What else, as Frank would say? Now, in the news this week, did you see the new haircut sported by KK? Yes.

Yes, I think I know exactly where you're going here. Kim Kardashian. We're aware of her work, aren't we? I know she exists, but I don't know what a Kardashian is. Through her work in the media. Yes. I'm not entirely sure what a Kardashian is. She's, how can we describe it, Steve?

She's, I think I had to learn it, mainly for this show. I would say she's a rich it girl that is popular through reality television. Is that a synopsis? Yeah, I think that's fair to say. As a potted biog. Yeah. I mean, obviously I'm aware of her and I've seen certain parts of her. I think her family got rich because her dad defended OJ.

Yeah. And then she did some reality thing, didn't she? She did some reality thing. Keeping up with the Kardashians. Almost everything's got Kardashians in the title, hasn't it? Like, she's big on that. And, you know, she's some woman, isn't she? She's a specimen, but she's changed her hair.

That's the news. That is the news. I'm going to say it out there. I'm a fan of hers in terms of her appearance. I think she looks lovely most of the time. But I do not like this new hair thing. She's gone sort of platinum blonde. Platinum blonde. I don't even like the phrase platinum blonde.

I don't think it exists, because blonde, you know, is different from platinum, so I don't know why. It's just two words that don't make sense together. But it's a peculiar... She's one of the most beautiful women in the world, and she sat down to her hairdresser and said, make me look like Draco Malfoy. Yes.

It's Draco Malfoy or a cross between, um, Scarlett Johansson and Alistair Darling because she's kept the dark eyebrows and the white hair. I thought she looked a bit like Julian Assange. Julian Assange? Yeah. You know, there's no walk in the park looking like Julian Assange.

Pretty pleased with that one. Just write that down so it makes you a stand-up show. They must save things like that for, it's got to be a slow news week for someone to unveil a haircut. Because I remember they did it with some of David Beckham's haircuts over the years. Yes. But they've got to be there sort of hoping that nothing

big happens in the news. They might be ready, the hairdresser's about to cut the hair, and they go, there's a new royal baby, cancel the appointment! Yeah, it's a strange thing. And the media response to her changing her hair is odd. The Daily Mail had a photograph of her with her new hair, and underneath it said she'd had brown hair mere days before.

Like it was a miracle. They didn't quite understand the concept of changing your own hair. I thought it looked a bit dry around the edges. I mean that's a lot of treatment on that hair. You're going to have to oil that and look after that.

I totally agree with Nicky Clark. It's a very high-maintenance look, and I think she may come to ruin. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. We're talking about KK, Kim Kardashian,

and her dyeing her hair platinum blonde for World Book Day and going as Andy Warhol and then realising that he wasn't really a books guy. I think that's what happened. Ah, I've really misread this. Have you ever dyed your hair, Steve? I've never dyed

my hair. No, me neither. It's tricky when when being obviously such i'm fairly semitic in my uh in my look and dyed semitic hair just looks terrible yeah you don't get any bleach blonde juice although the japanese go for the they do yeah yeah they do it don't they you know the nearest i've got is i once put lemon juice in my hair and went out in the park and it went kind of a bit like ginger, I'm going to say. It went from light brown to ginger. And then I went and did some gigs in East Asia

and people thought I was a Japanese pop star. It was very strange. Odd time. What about you, Zoe? Never dyed it. Never dyed it? Permed it? Never permed it. Never permed it.

Never permed it. But the thought of that now is making me smile. I've never dyed all perms, Mark. A tight punch perm. I think I might go for a perm. A perm. Just on the top, though, Alan. Just on the top.

My hair is so straight that perming it would be really like teaching it a lesson. It would be properly like you've never satisfied me. I hate my own hair. I'd be happy. The best look for me in the world as a man would be bald head beard. It's the lowest maintenance face on earth. I'm heading in that direction.

You are, and I'm going to be jealous. I mean, literally, there will be a point where you'll get up and you'll just have to pick a bit of sleep out of your eye and then you'll be ready for the day. Good to go. That's perfect, isn't it? My biggest hair faux part of all time was in the back it was probably 13 so we're in the in the days of side partings

and heavy curtains and i would go for that that was my standard look but i got that and then i asked the hairdresser to also put a step in at the back oh nice with a step so that i i was sort of geek at the front and mc hammer at the. Nice. And it just, it was awful. We used to call it a wedge as well. Liked a wedge. I was never terribly, I've never been very vain about my hair. I had alopecia as a kid, so I lost a lot of my hair when I was a kid, which is always great when you're sort of 13 at school.

So I was the only 13-year-old girl in my school with a comb over. Like that old Hamlet advert. Yeah, if the wind blew the other way, the entire top lid came off and it would reveal my eggy head. That would be good. If Bobby Charlton was the subject of a book and you could do,

it's World Book Day, Bobby Charlton. Yeah. I'd have been perfect at that as a kid. Yeah. I had mine shaved in an American flat top, sort of spiking up, but with like, almost like a table. Like vanilla ice? Yeah, a bit like that, but a bit shorter, and

shaved in tram lines on the sides. Pretty cool. Wow. Gangster. I might go back to that, actually. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've got an email from Steve Foster. We were discussing KK's haircut. He says, shows my age, I thought Kevin Keegan had a new perm.

Excellent work. What is it about Kanye in the pictures in the background that is distracting? He's developing a kind of a hang dog expression, isn't he? He's really getting the Lionel Palmer jowls going on.

He is very much the Eeyore of hip hop. He really is. You know there's a photo in the papers today of a jowly dog that looks like it's on a person's head? Oh, from Crofts. That's what Kanye looks like now. He's looking more and more miserable in the background there. I don't know what his beef is. Is it just a celebrity pout? Is that what it is? I think it might be, yeah.

Is that sort of too cool for school? Too cool to break a smile? I mean, I like a hangdog expression. It feels like his face looks like mine should. That's the sort of demeanour that I want to bring to the party. You may have noticed that I've ran out of my showbiz bonhomie.

It was really high at the top, wasn't it? Hey guys! Not really. How's your week been, Steve? Let's find that out. We've not discussed any idiotic eureka moments for a while, and I had a musical idiotic eureka moment. Should we explain an idiotic eureka moment to any new readers of the show? I mean, it's unlikely that we're gaining listeners today.

I mean, I think, to be honest, Absolute have put me in this chair just to flatten out our, frankly, embarrassing Ray Jar figures that have been so good. They thought, oh oh let's just bring it down a bit, but idiotic eureka moments are when you realise something that's been obvious all along like somebody emailed saying that

Sutty and Sweepoff thingy were chimney based names, it's quite obvious and they went, oh yeah that's obvious, so you've had one I've had one recently, I've had two in close succession, both musical. One was, I was listening to, I'd never listened to the Stevie Wonder album,

Songs in the Key of Life. And there's a song on that and the chorus goes, Been spending most our lives living in the past time paradise. And I went, hang on, Stevie Wonder's ripped off Coolio. And I had no idea that Gangster's Paradise was basically based on a song from the 70s and so that was a real revelation then I had an even more significant one

Can I just ask if you've ever seen the video of Coolio, because when he does that he does do finger inverted commas every time, every single time it's one of his things, everyone knows that Low in the mix you hear him say quote and then unquote I had an even weirder one today I'd got a compilation album One of his things. Everyone knows that about Louis. Low in the mix, you hear him say quote and then unquote.

Yeah, exactly. I had an even weirder one today. I'd got a compilation album of Lead Belly, the old bluesman, Louisiana bluesman, who's most famous for the youngsters. Nirvana do a cover of him on their MTV Unplugged album. Sounds good. Lead Belly is coincidentally one of my worst attempts at awful as well.

And it's wonderful. It's a really amazing voice. But there's a song on that, and I'm going through this album, there's incredible tunes. And then there's a song and Lead Belly starts singing, Ha ha this-a-way, ha ha that-a-way, ha ha this-a-way, my oh my. And I haven't thought of the kids' show Whiz Bit in years. And it was a show that used to give me nightmares. So I had no idea that the theme tune to Whizbit was taken from an old blues tune. Was it?

It's based on... Someone thought... If you don't know Whizbit, it was basically... Whizbit was a terrifying yellow triangular cone, like a KKK hat mixed with a block of cheese. yellow triangular cone, like a KKK hat mixed with a block of cheese. And he had a sidekick rabbit called Wooly, who was even scarier than the rabbit in Donnie Darko. This has completely missed me by, Whispit. It's terrifying. It was created and

presented by Paul Daniels. OK, now it's become more scary. So they thought, we've got a kids' show about a magic triangle hosted by Paul Daniels. What this needs is a Deep South blues tune. Speaking of which, we'll play some more music. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

You don't remember Whiz Bit? I don't. Well, it used to give me absolute nightmares. Really? It used to terrify me. I had a poster in my bedroom as a kid that gave me nightmares. And when I look back on it, I think, surely we should have just moved that. But I don't know if it was just a 70s thing

and people didn't think, oh, yeah, we could just take that down, because Alan's terrified of it. What was the poster? I can't even remember. It's just scary. I had a clown that had, like, it hung on the back of the door, and you shoved your pyjamas into it. Oh, yeah. I can't even remember. It's just scary. I had a clown that had, like, a...

It hung on the back of the door and it had... You shoved your pyjamas into it. Oh, yeah. And it was... That terrified me. And again, yes, we could have just... I could have just... You do think there was a really obvious fitness to these things? Remove the clown!

I don't understand. And I don't often remember childhood TV. I don't know if I had some horribly scarring event and I've blanked the whole thing. But the only programme that I remember from childhood is Glenn Michaels' cartoon Cavalcade, which was on Scottish television. And I left Scotland when I was seven. So that's the thing that I've retained from all childhood. When people talk about the Magic Roundabout, I only remember it from now, from seeing clips of it on the news or whatever.

Good story, bro. Well, that was the thing with Wisbit, was that it was like a death charge. This whole show should be called Good Story, bro, for everything I say. That's my feeling. Carry on, Steve. Sorry. It's those moments of absolute...

And the day that I discovered this, the next day I had a photo shoot. So as a result, most of the photos have got a slightly haunted expression by the look of someone who's just remembered Whizbit. Looking over their shoulder for a lump of cheese running after you. Is that what you want

for your Edinburgh post then? Steve Hall is terrified. Have you got a title? It's a weird part of it. It should be. I'm struggling for a title. Have you guys got an Edinburgh show title? I have. Mine's called I'm Not Going This Year and I'll be mostly sat on the beach with a six-pack of beer. That's quite long for the 40-word blurb, isn't it?

That's quite long. No, but we could make that today's texting. If you've got an Edinburgh show title for Steve Hall, 8, 12, 15 would be perfect. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Have I ever told you the story of my Coldplay story? Have you got a Coldplay story?

I knew their original manager, Phil Harvey. I knew him a little bit at university. And he was considering dropping out to manage them. Right. And so he played me some of their tunes when they were just, you know, because they were old friends of his. Right. And this is how good I am at giving life advice.

I sort of went, mate, you know, I don't know. You know, it's a university degree, and you know. And did he stay on the course? No, thankfully he ignored my advice. That is a bullet dodged, I would say. Imagine if he'd stayed on the course? No, thankfully he ignored my advice. That is bullet dodged, I would say. Imagine if he'd stayed on the course. Yeah, if he'd taken my advice. Oh my God, he would love you now.

I could never remember their names, so when I'd bump into him, I would say, I could never remember, so I'd kind of go, how's the coal shed doing? But not doing it deliberately. How are that warm front doing? I've got some advice here from Steve from 312. He says, name of Steve's Edinburgh show should be My Weird Eureka Moment. Oh, nice.

Yes. Yeah. Give it a crack. And then it could be a photo of me sort of having me in a bath, Archimedes style. So how was your actual photo shoot? I find photo shoots the most destructive thing to my self-esteem. Yeah? It's always nice when the photographer, I mean,

you know, they're good. It was a very good photographer, but it's the moment where he sort of had to say to me, can you try and look a bit more human? I hope that's a direct quote. As an example of how bad I am in photo shoots, I went to an exhibition, Idil Soukan is a very very good photographer and she's got an exhibition of her work with comedians on at the moment

and it's pretty much every photo she's ever taken i went to the to the do the rap do for it and uh the only photo of a comedian that isn't in this exhibit is me the photo that she used for my previous edinburgh show is not in there And there is a photo just of a raccoon. That has made the exhibit. You were gazumped by a raccoon. Oh, no. Oh, that is a shame. I feel your pain, though.

I don't like them. I don't like... Yeah. Just... I don't like having my face concentrated on for that amount of time. That's right, actually. And then it starts to twitch weirdly. Because in real life, if someone says, oh, look at that thing on your eyebrow, you can just move a hand and sort of

distract them, can't you? You can really play like the misdirection game, but not in a photo shoot. Not in a photo shoot, it's too much. And if I try and smile, it's forcing that smile and then the top lip just starts to quiver like you're sort of doing a weird Elvis impersonation. Hey, this is natural.

We've talked about photo shoots before on the show and Frank and Emily have given me advice on smiling for photographs and apparently you should press your tongue to the top of your mouth and smile and it becomes sort of sincere. But that's not what I want. Do you shut your mouth when you're doing that?

I don't, but I don't really like my gums. I don't really like my teeth and, I don't really like my teeth, and I don't like the fact that as I smile my eyes are getting wrinkled. I'm aging out about a decade a week on the old eyes. For World Book Day next year, I might go for... Hemoid cream. Yes. Yes.

Yes, I have, yes. Tighten them up. Yeah. Yeah. And the eyes. Yes. But I haven't done that for photo shoots. I mean, rest, really, is the thing, isn't it?

Just good sleep. That was my New Year's resolution for 2014, and it never really paid off. An eye mask and some cable ties. Exactly, yeah. Just get a sketch, get an artist's impression of your face for the next poster. That's just a rough sketch.

But then if that would happen, people would think David Baddiel was doing another show. You know, another interesting thing they say for ladies on the red carpet for photo shoots is to stand there and cross their legs over, so it makes their legs look really long and elegant. And I've tried that, but it just looks like I'm incontinent. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email from a furious Jimmy in Wigan. A furious Jimmy. I said, hi, I thought this was the Frank Skinner show. I've not heard him for the last 40 minutes. Where is he? Stuck on the bog? No, he's off this week, and my normal role of motoring correspondent on this show

has had me elevated. It's a bit like when James May gets to host a television programme, when he gets released from the captors that are Hammond and, what's his name, Clarkson. It's a bit like that, insofar as that people just turn off. So, Frank will be back next week, and I will be back with my motoring correspondence. But, yes, your photo shoot, I just wanted to bookmark that you have to be careful of making a promise in your photo shoot that your Edinburgh show then may not live up to,

because I turned up to an event recently, an event, a tour show, tickets still available, and I've got a beard now, and the guy at the arts centre said, you haven't got a beard in the poster. As if, like, it was a continuity thing I had to say to him. That was seven months ago, mate, and this is not a television show, so. I've had similar to that where I've turned up for a casting and they've looked at my photograph and they look to me and went, you look younger in the photo.

And I'm like, well, I will do. It was in the past. All photos are immediately in the past, aren't they? That is one of the things about them. So, yes, Frank will be back next week. What else? What are you up to this week? What gigs are you?

I've got some gigs, but to be honest, I was thinking of cancelling them and see if I can get a full length job, like, because that seems to be how my career's going. The less I do, the more elevated I become. Just a bigger meat shop next week. Oh, yeah. Massive meat shop. Yeah, I'll probably be cooking hooves by

Friday. Boiling feet. Alan Cochran's massive meat shop. Yes. We were looking for a title, weren't we? I was thinking of wearing a hat in my Edinburgh show this year. In my Edinburgh photo this year. God, I hate my hat. But then you'll get art centres going, hang on a second,

where's the hat? False advertising. Sound like a gangster or something. Anyway, thanks very much for joining me, Steve and Zoe. It's been a pleasure. Frank will be back next week and thank you very much for joining me, Steve and Zoe. It's been a pleasure. Frank will be back next week, and thank you very much for joining us. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll see you again next week. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.