The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Official Scrunchie

Episode Date: June 15, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on Loose Women and took some friends for a bus ride. The team also discuss overly enthusiastic celebrations and double-barrelled names.

Comedy legend Frank Skinner is back on stage with his first stand-up show in four years. I think a man of my age saying my girlfriend is sort of on a level with a man of my age saying my skateboard. Live in London this June at the Edinburgh Festival in August and touring across the country this autumn. It's what I would call an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny. Book tickets now at frankskinnerlive.com This, however, is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. How casually I toss the term Instagram around now. I remember when it felt strange upon my lips. Oh, I love your confidence with the socials now. Oh, Instagram. Yeah, all over it. I don't really know what it is, but I'm familiar with the socials now. Oh, Instagram. Yeah, all over it. I don't really know what it is, but I'm familiar with the word.

Say a picture-sharing blog site? Microblog? Is that what they're called? Picture-sharing microblog. They're called Twitter microblogging, didn't they, when it first came out? I find that picture-sharing microblogs always let me down. What a track that was.

I loved it. Can I begin? Yes, you may the begin. Can I speak au politico? Oh. No, it's not going to be part. But I watched a speech this week by Tory leadership hopeful Rory Stewart. Yes.

Oh, yes. Does he speak well? Is he a great orator? He did all right. He had a circus setting. He never. He did. Oh, did he? Roll up, roll up. Yeah, it was all done in that thing, and then he walked out. He looks like... Did you ever see kids who put their dad's suit on?

Yes. Messing about. He looks a bit like that. Always a thin man. You could read through him. I have another suggestion. A little bit like that, Frank, and also like the man we became slightly obsessed by,

the man who appeared to walk out of the sea and he was a mysterious pianist. Oh yes. A bit like him, a bit suit with no shoes. Yes, he had Frankenstein monster chic. Yeah.

Then he was a hoaxer wasn't he in the end? I think so. I think he may have been seeking some sort of refuge. But anyway, I'm glad you bring up Le Maire. That's the C for our English. Not Boris Le Maire. I'm glad you bring that up, because the thing that really got me about Le Rory Stewart,

and actually I think he's one of the more likeable politicians in the country. He seems like a caring man. But I know seems is a very big word in the political community. Anyway, he talked about some of the things, some of the bad leaders that this country's had. And he said, like, King John wasn't famous for his blot. And it was a sort of Magna Carta joke. And he was sort of forced to sign it.

And he says, you know, we don't want to be known for things like Henry VIII's family values. Right. So he had, you know... Don't throw shade at Henry's. Historical comedy. Yeah.

But then he said, yeah... And then he said... Quite a bit of street, actually. Well, it was, until he said... Oh, dear. And he said, and King Canute's view on the title something or other, and it was examples of bad leaders that the country had had in the past. And King Canute, everyone knows the King Canute story. Here we go, Al. The King Canute story. Lay off King Canute, everyone knows the King Canute story. Here we go.

Here we go, Al. The King Canute story. Lay off King Canute. But you know that, King Canute was, he told the waves to stop coming in. He stood on the seashore with some of his people gathered around him and told the waves to stop. And they didn't, obviously.

No. Because they don't. Yes. They're generally disobedient. So I saw that as an illustration of sort of man's folly. Yes, Bob. Right. The story, I thought the story may well have never happened.

He's wading in. Yeah. But the story originally, which a bloke like, a man with his education, Rory Thingy, who went to, I think, Eton and stuff like that. Eton, Eton. Yeah. If in doubt, Eton.

The story is that Canute felt that his courtiers and that were holding him in too much esteem. So he said, remember, it's, you know, it's God who's in charge. Look. Took him on the beach and said, stop. I command you as king to stop to the wives and the kids. So he was actually making a humble point. Now, surely, with a team of researchers

and a coat so big that he could have a laptop with him at all times and no one would know the difference, he could have checked that out. I'm still reeling from the idea that the boss would say, wait, you hold me in too much esteem. I know. I think I've made that speech in here before. Isn't Razorlight a thing that you can get?

Do you remember those pens you could get? There was a time you could get pens that had a little light at the point of it so you could write in the dark. Oh, I see. Like the film critic pen. Yeah, exactly. I've seen those being used by live reviewers of Edinburgh shows. Indeed, yeah.

But razor light, are they named after... Is there a razor that has a light in it so you can shave in the dark? No, they're too rock and roll for that. Well, shaving in the dark seems like quite a rock and roll thing to do. Johnny Braille, he's not going to be naming it after a disposable razor. Well, Johnny Braille crew. Now, I wonder, what does razor light mean? I don't know.

OK, well, 8, 12, 15. It must have come from somewhere. Agreed. I've been doing stand-up comedy this week. Oh, I know. At the Leicester Square Theatre. Well, as it happens, we've had an

email that references your stand-up comedy. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank and the crew. Long-time reader, first-time writer. Saw Frank's stand-up show last Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank and the crew. Long-time reader, first-time writer. Saw Frank's stand-up show last week, praise redacted. Oh, that's all right. And also saw him earlier in this year

trying out new material at the Comedy Museum. Oh, yeah. At both occasions... Where I belong, I think we'll all exist. They had, at both occasions, there was a drunk woman in the audience encased in vodkas and lime. Is this part of the taunting act?

No. Yeah, it's like... Are you tired? I must have... I've said it on this show before, I think, but it's relevant here. I went to see Diana Ross at the NEC, which I can hardly believe I ever did that. And there was a woman in the front row in a wheelchair,

and at one point Diana stepped down the steps that just happened to be there and gave this woman a single red rose. And it was a really lovely moment, it seems, at the time, when we were less patronising about the disabled. And when we were more patronising, sorry, as we were then. And then afterwards, when I went past the big trucks where they load all the speakers and that,

I noticed they were putting a wheelchair on the truck and I thought, oh, no. Did the crew have to take it in turns to be the person in the wheelchair who gets the single red rose? Or the same woman is watching the show every single night and that's her job. Yeah. So, no, I don't travel.

I mean, I have travelled with a drunken woman in the past, but not one specifically I put in the audience. I think what we're doing, we're getting the kickback from the Sarah Cox, Zoe Ball, Ladette type days. The Ladette, yes. When, you know, the photos of women in the street with their pants showing lying on the pavement at three in the morning and all that stuff.

But, you know, we're equal now. We can all behave as badly as we like. I didn't think this email was going to lead into the decay of Western civilisation. No, I wouldn't go as far as to say that. John and Falkirk. Oh, he's just saying... Falkirk?

Do you say Falkirk? Yes, I do. OK. I'll remember that. I'll think of Captain Kirk falling over. That's how I remember things. I think of Dr McCoy playing the four in his room and Captain Kirk coming in and saying,

who's that? Falkirk. Nice. Carry on. I mean, yours is quite lengthy. Frank's got an entire hour-long episode. The idea of William Shatner walking into... Where are the eighters and eighters? What's that?

Why do you play him, McCoy? Oh, he called him Jim, though, didn't he? Oh, Fall Jim. You're now going to have the wrong word for Falkirk in your head. Yeah, Fall Jim. I was such a William Shatner fan. I did a gala in Montreal hosted by... Campusing, you've ever said?

Yeah. At the Montreal Comedy Festival, they have these big gala nights, and I was on, just doing like, I don't know, for six, seven minutes. But he was hosting. At the end, we all come on in a line and bow, you know, showbiz.

And he stood at the front and did a mat, and then he turned around, and mine was the hand that he shook. Oh. Oh, that's great. Oh, I'm so... Oh, Shatner. Oh.

Anyway. I'm that's great. Oh, I'm so... Oh, Shatner. Oh. Anyway. I'm so jelly bags. Yeah, I've got the face, which means we have to go into a break. So can you bookmark that? Sure. Bookmark that brilliance. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is from John in, and I'm going to remember it, Captain Kirk falling over, Fall Kirk. Very good. Correction, Emily. We were talking about razor light earlier, I should just say. And Frank wondered if they were named after a razor with a light on it. For night time shaving.

I mean reasonably, because there is a penny. Very reasonably. I assume we're all familiar with one of those. And also I once got a pair of, I think Terry Wogan gave me a pair of slippers. Some of the anecdotes

this morning actually. Why now? A pair of slippers with lights on the front for getting up in the night. Did he really? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Was this a dream?

So many of your anecdotes have a dreamlike quality. No, it was when I worked on, I used to, I worked on, I co-hosted a few times with Terry on Late Night Woken. I enjoyed that show. Yeah. Late Night Woken,

you needed those lights on the slippers then, didn't you? Yeah, exactly. Very, very, I never replaced the batteries, I'll be straight with you, I choked them when the lights went. There was a point where just one was going I'm glad

Do you know what I don't like The thought of all batteries on the bedroom floor No Anyway You were saved I'm so sorry I didn't mean to say that Correction, Emily.

John in four curses. Health and safety there with Emily Dean. Yeah. Good rule. I saw Razorlight at Inverness on Saturday. Johnny Burrell was clean shaven. Who'd have thought that would be the least controversial battery joke of the week? If you just heard it in isolation, weird. Carry on,

sorry. Johnny Burrell. A fan of the Razor, it would seem. Johnny Burrell is? Johnny Burrell. Burrell, okay. Burrell? No, Burrell. I don't know, I don't really know He spelt it wrong, you're pronouncing it wrong, he's making it even

worse. You didn't cover yourself in glory earlier with Falkirk, so... Are you going to... What's he called? Johnny Burrell? Very good, Frank. That should be Burrell, shouldn't it? I think so. What about the bloke who was... Lawrence, or Gerald Durrell? No, I'm thinking of the bloke who

was Princess Diana's... Paul Burrell. Paul Burrell. Well, was he Burrell or was he Burrell? Princess Diana's butler, he was the one who went in the jungle and put his hand in the wall and said to the rat, move over, darling, when he was doing the task. Is this a dream? No, this really happened.

I remember him screaming. Yeah. Wasn't he the one who had lots and lots of souvenirs that Princess Diana had given him? Yeah. Yeah, and then, yeah. Okay, anyway, I interviewed Paul Borrell. I still don't know how you say his surname.

Paul Borrell, I would say. I didn't call him by his surname. It wasn't like he was being interviewed by, you know, one of the senior boys at school that I called him by his surname throughout. What did you interview him on then? I used to have a chat show in the old days. I thought he was a strange guest for the chat show.

Oh, I think he was perfect. He was absolutely perfect. He relished a strange guest. Yes, he did. There was a lot to explore. God, I had to put my light slippers on to go into some of the dark corners. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. I was talking about my I'm doing a show at the moment. Oh yeah. Victoria Corrin Mitchell and David Mitchell. Is it David Mitchell or is he

Corrin Mitchell as well now? oh i don't know anyway so what happens when oh you know when you take both the names does the both people take both the names don't know well it's an individual choice 12 15 what happens now well shouldn't he be david mitchell corinne maybe he should um that's never what about... The one that springs to mind is Joanne Wally. Wally Kilmer. Yeah, Joanne Wally Kilmer, who was Joanne Wally, and was quite a big star as Joanne Wally in this country, and then she married Val Kilmer, became Joanne Wally Kilmer.

Wally, can I say, was not in inverted commas. I'd call the truth Williams. Joanne Wally Kilmer because she was a bit foolish. Oh. I don't see her acting so much these days. Do you think the Kilmer thing's... Which prompts the headline,

Where's Wally? Yay. Oh, fantastic. Thank you, everyone. Yeah. I wonder what she is. She was... When I was a young man,

she was known as one of the great beauties. She was the sort of, let's say in the beauty chair. You know my theory that in comedy and stuff, there's a person you go to for each category. So if you talked about, I don't know, if you're doing a joke about drugs, you would have gone to like Pete Doherty or something. I don't know who you'd go to.

Oh, the good looking man for years was Brad Pitt. Yeah. Did we decide who's replaced him in the show now? We sort of went for Beckham, didn't we, for a while? Yeah, but certainly she was... Gosling. That's right. She was one of the great...

Anyway, so I was with... If you're listening, Joanne, drop us a line. It'd be appropriate. Yeah, I think she can drop us a line as a group. Okay. Anyway, so they came to see my show, David and Victoria. Lovely. Not the Beckhams.

No. The Corrin Mitchell, Mitchell Corrins. And afterwards, they came backstage and we were doing all the talking. And she said to me, so should we share a cab? Because they live quite near me. I said, well, I get the boss home normally. Nice. And getting the boss home, you know, I'm off stage about half ten.

I'm out the building by about quarter to eleven. It's hit and miss getting the boss home you know that time of night but I go for it it's free oh yeah bus pass

yeah and and they said well we'll we'll come with you on the bus and suddenly I got incredibly anxious

about oh why was that because I thought what I don't want to be responsible for celebrities on a bus. I mean, I just sit there in danger.

Yeah. You know, anyone who keeps exotic birds will know this. If one escapes, they are torn apart by common garden birds. Is that a fact? I like that you're discounting yourself when... No, exactly. I would consider you, you know, you've been around a long time. No, but I know I'll...

You're a national treasure, Frank. I'll take my chances for a free ride. Yeah. But I did, I felt really sort of, oh, my God, this is my responsibility. I've got two celebrities I have to care for. Was it fine? How was the bus? It was, I'll tell you what I felt like.

You ever see those old costume dramas when there's a revolution of the peasantry or something and the king and queen have to be smuggled out dressed as servants? I felt a bit like I was the courtier who was in charge of getting them onto the coach and making sure the king wore that dress or whatever. It was like that. But I got them home safely, thank God. But I honestly felt

genuinely anxious. Did you? Yes. I don't know how these people that work around the famous, they cope with the anxiety. I still find it extraordinary. But you see it from their side, didn't you? I'm sure they would take no offence if I said you were definitely the most

famous of the three. No, no. And yet you're no offence if I said you were definitely the most famous of the three and yet you're getting concerned but I'm but I you know I was oh no honestly

I'm talking about it now my stomach is do you know how I feel now with you? it's clenched do you know how I feel with you now? go on

walking around the streets worried you're going to get into some scrape all the time no it'll be fine don't worry and even as I was rushed off in the hospital, I'd be

thinking of all those free journeys I'd had that was alright. We've just established from our producer, Sarah, that people do indeed both change their names, that she knows examples of that in her own life.

Millier. Yes. So people like Val Kilmer would have been called Val Wally Kilmer. Right. Well, I'm afraid... Knowing what we do with Val Kilmer, I suspect that's highly unlikely. Yeah. I think they're no longer together as well, are they?

I don't like to throw a spanner in the works, but 585 disagrees. Oh. Talking about taking surnames, Helen Skelton is now Helen Skelton Myler, but her husband is just Richie Myler. Yeah, well, it must be optional, but you would think in 2019 that maybe the guy, it's like the wedding ring, you know. Yes. It's like when I was a young man,

I didn't know any blokes who wore a wedding ring and one wonders why. I wonder why that would become a convention. Also, in answer... Yeah, I think if the blokes... If the woman's going to take the double barrel, the blokes... The man should have it.

Why not? In answer to our poser earlier, Where's Wally, Clive Silas, Joanne Wally was Queen Catherine, Henry VIII's first wife in Wolf Hall. There you go. Oh, well, fancy that. I'm glad. Do you know what?

I bet that Kilmer guy was not very nice to her. I'm glad she's bounced back. That's all I'll say. By the way, talking about that on the bus, recognised on the bus thing, I only ever get, I've advertised this before, I can wear sunglasses, scarf, anything, and still get recognised.

As soon as I cover my enormous forehead, I can walk in through a crowded room. If I had the audacity on the boss to put on a bandana I would be basically invisible I could travel all over London wherever you reckon you could wear a bandana and an England shirt

and carry in like a sort of fake world cup that people still wouldn't recognise Jules Rimet trophy once I've covered the forehead all is well yeah it's true. It's a big difference. Very distinctive forehead, Mr Skinner.

I did loose women this week. Oh, how were the LWs? Follow the anecdotes today. Hi. Hi. The first time I did loose women, here's an interesting... Oh, I don't think I want to... I read the autobiography, love.

Had to lie down in a darkened room for three days. I speak of the television show of that name. Okay, I'm just saying. Phew. But what about this for a juxtaposition of cultures? The first time I did Loose Women, it was filmed in Norwich, and they said,

would you do Loose Women? We'll fly you in in a helicopter. Oh, a bit Noel Edmonds. Exactly. So I said, I'll do it, but can I just put one clause in my contract? Norwich is very close to the Roman Catholic shrine of Our Lady of Walsingham. Could I have a car to take me out there? You did not say that.

And they said, I'll get back to you. They come back and said, yes, hold on a minute, I'll get back to you. And they come back and said, yes, we can get you a shrine car. So I did loose swimming and Our Lady of Walsingham in the same afternoon. I mean, that's quite a combo. And then when I was on there this week,

it struck me. No longer in Norwich, shall we say? No, no. In London's south. It's a double up. SE1 or something. No, no, it's at Wood Lane.

And the guest, I'd forgot this, the guest sits in the middle of the loose women in a very Last Supper kind of a formation. Oh, like a sort of, I imagine it like Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper. You

sat there, lovely. Yeah. Who did you have on with you? Like Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper. You sat there, lovely. Yeah. Who did you have on with you? Like Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper. Touch for the very last time. Well, I'll tell you what was a bit... Who were the... Which Lucys did you have?

The producer's giving me pressure. We'll have to book. Can we bookmark? Yeah, definitely. Okay. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've been discussing people's double-barrelled names

when they marry. Yes. Conjoined names. Yeah, there's probably a term for it, but is it... In 2019, are we living in a place where only the women are taking both barrels? Yeah, you've both got to take both barrels.

Well, 854 has texted, I think, a pertinent question to Frank and the team, just wondering what happens when a double-barrelled name marries a double-barrelled name. Well, there's going to be a lot more of that in the years to come. Well, this is it. Children of Jacob Rees-Mogg marry somebody with da-da-da-da-da. name well there's going to be a lot more of that so yes to call this is it children of jacob reese mogg marry somebody with da da da da it's gonna be god have mercy on them but i think it's gonna it's gonna be a long business card when they then enter the working world isn't it we'll have to stop it it's where do you stop this the next gen is gonna have to stop it aren't they you're gonna

have to just start inventing your own name. Give your family, I think the whole concept of a family name will probably die out. I've said it. You know what might happen is that it might just go so silly that people start suggesting, why doesn't the woman just take the husband's name? That could never happen. It could. Don't be ridiculous.

It could come back full circle. Or why doesn't the husband, yeah, I think that's a great idea. The husband takes the woman's name. Oh, yeah. Why not? I'm happy to be called Catherine. Yeah. It's your choice.

Either would work. I think there'll be so many names hyphenated that they'll just take the initials of those names and do an anagram of this. Yeah. Whatever it is. No, do an anagram. Right. Yeah. Whatever it is. No, not an anagram. What's the thing when you use, like, ACAS and uncle?

Yes. What's it called, that? That's called an acronym, I believe. Well, that's what they'll do. People will have acronyms of all their multifarious surnames. Well, if anyone wants to marry me, don't all run at once. Hey! You'll have to take my name because I

if I'm the biggest earner you're going to have to take my name It's quite likely I will be let's face it, sin on the ground I met a couple at the Brits, do you remember this?

A woman had said to me, her name was, I think it was, oh God, it was Tracy Frank or something like that. And her boyfriend was called Skinner. And one of the reasons they didn't have the hyphenated name is that it would be Frank Skinner. Well, there you go. We've also had 426. You asked. Go on. How do you know? well there you go we've also had 426 my partner you ask

go on how do you know I won't tell you what happened with 740 I look through your I look through

your letter one night my partner is Tombs and I am Ward we couldn't think of a way to combine them

without it sounding like a mortuary signpost or a funeral director's. Love the show. Coral and Linda in Cheltenham. Oh, Coral and Linda. I was waiting for the surname.

We never got this. But we don't know. We don't know what they did in there. Tombs Ward. Coral Tombs Ward. I think Tombs Ward sounds all right. I don't think you'd instantly think... I mean, if you've got tombs in it, you know,

you've got tombs in it. I mean, you've got tombs in it so, I mean there's nothing you can do about that. Oh yeah, when I was on this was on Loose Women Oh yes! What they do is during the show they keep trailing the sort of, the last guest

so you have to keep you're sitting in your dressing room or whatever, you have to keep going out and standing amidst the audience so they can have a shot of you smiling. Later in the show, Frank Skinner. So you're standing there amongst the audience. And they were doing this.

Obviously, it's an audience. There was two men in it. It's mainly women in the audience. And I'd be, I don't know, I'd be a bit suspicious of any blokes that went along. You think they're going there to meet people, aren't they? It's not a single spa, mate. Anyway, so there's the shots of me,

and it's combined. So the show is a mixture of shots of me standing next to the audience. This is the bits when they're not loose women. Can't wait to see these. And the other one is a trailer that they kept showing of This Morning, The Next Days This Morning, which featured George Clooney.

The GC, as he calls himself. Does he? Oh, yeah. And the worst possible joke, people sitting there thinking, oh, we could have been on the Clooney show. We're on the Skinner show. Oh, man, it was really, I suffered by comparison.

Oh, Frank. The grey hair thing, that wasn't enough for them as a regular theme. Did you like your time, though, on LW? You know, loose women, you sit around and have a natter, sell your wares. Do you drink tea out of a mug with loose women on it? I did. I did exactly that. Do they give you tea or water, Frank? Oh, no, I had to have tea.

Oh, good. Oh, I was there about three hours. If I'd have had tea, I'd have been lying across them fast asleep. Like when you see people, you know when flights have been cancelled for days, people just lie across. Your head nestling in Jane Moore's lap. Do you know what? I haven't head nestled for such a long time.

Get back into it. It used to be a thing. That used to be the moment when you first showed to someone that maybe something might be happening. I was head nestling. Yeah, you'd be sitting in a group and you'd just put your head on their lap

and see if they were okay with it. I wouldn't say that was a first date. No, I'd say pre-first date. Oh, right. I don't do that until six months in. What, if you're hanging about in a group, like in the common room or something like that? Come on. Yeah, exactly.

You got it. In the JCR. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah,. In the JCR. Exactly. That's the junior common room. In case you're trying to work out something rude. Yes. Yeah, that was all right for me. You go, oh, she's all right with head on the lap.

Extraordinary. Love is in the air. Whoever it was said that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've got a few crisps there to just finish off. I haven't. I'll regale you with an email that we had during the week. I haven't.

Who would eat crisps at quarter past nine in the morning? Frank's attempt to conceal his tuck. It's a bit Billy Bunter. Yes. I love Bunter. I love Bunter. What, Billy Bunter the fat owl of the remove? Was that his sort of narrative arc?

He just got obsessed by food? Yeah, that was his main thing. I remember there used to be a TV, a Billy Bonter TV show. He wouldn't be allowed now, would you? Somebody called Campion. Not with the national obesity crisis. Can't have Bonter. No, he must have gone way out of fashion, Bonter. Anyway, sorry.

Well, we've had an email. Hi, Frank and Co. After a number of shows discussing the subject, I feel the need to weigh in on the Kinder Egg debate regarding its illegality in the US. Now, let me just give you a brief resume. At Easter, I bought some Kinder Eggs, and I discovered that in America,

because I accidentally bought some Kinder Joys as well, which are a different set-up, and the toys and inside the egg. And I found out it's because in America you cannot sell a non-edible item inside an edible item because of the choking risk. Someone then very wisely said, what about fortune cookies? It's a good point.

And since then, we've had weeks of conversation about it. It's a fascinating subject, I'll be straight with you. It's many tentacled. You'd be surprised. If you haven't heard it, I suggest you go back on the podcasts because people are talking about it as much as Chernobyl. Oh, God, I can't tell you how many times this week I've been asked if I'm watching Chernobyl.

Yeah, I'm not still watching it. I watched it for a few months after to see if it was all right. I don't trust it now. Just occasionally look on my Google Maps. Just so you know, I haven't watched it. You haven't? Frank won't have watched it. I haven't got the channel.

Oh, no, Frank won't watch it. I don't know, I like a bit of a Soviet Russia drama. Yeah, but what are you going to do? It's not on Channel 5. I like a bit of a Soviet Russia drama. Yeah, but what are you going to do? It's not on Channel 5. Anyway, we return to the Kinder Egg illegality in the US.

Our contributor, Paul, continues, The legislation around non-edible objects inside foodstuffs only relates to candy, which implies it's a law made to protect children from choking hazards, not lovers of oriental food from sleepless nights after receiving an ambiguous fortune. Hope this is helpful. I think it is, Paul. Ah. I think you've nailed it.

What's their use, Skinner? And now the saga may cease. Candy. Yeah. I haven't thought of the candy yet. Yeah, so an adult can't choke is the candy yeah so an adult can't choke is the theory that's the theory candy is dandy but

liquor is quicker I think it's what Ogden Nash do you know Ogden Nash the sort of comedy poet thanks for the tip he's good I love a bit of Nash. Yeah.

There's one about, there was an area of New York he didn't much care for. He wrote a poem, the whole poem's two lines and it says, the Bronx, no thonks. Oh, what a man.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, what a man. We've just had a text that I don't want to... Oh, don't exaggerate. Honestly, I'm telling the truth, man. Hi, Frank. The first time I heard your radio show was as I was alighting the Portsmouth to Le Havre ferry. Since then, every time I hear your voice... I did,avre ferry. Since then, every time I hear your voice... I did not hear.

Since then, every time I hear your voice, I think of the Le Havre quayside. Weird, eh? Yeah. That's from Mikey. Portsmouth is one of the many places I've been where there's a plaque saying Charles Dickens lived here. Charles Dickens, I think, might have been homeless.

He got a bat. There's plaques everywhere. There's one in Highgate, not far from me. Yeah, they're all over the place. I think that might, well, as we later discovered, he was a busy boy. He was, yeah. He had a bit of a 90s, shall we say, 1890s.

Some of them say Charles Dickens lived here, in brackets, one night at a time. Yes. I mean, if I was putting blue plaques up, my house would be covered in them.

If we're going to go on the basis of one night. Okay, give us three names. No. Saving that for book two, dear.

Okay. I don't care, it's just with the lawyers at the moment. So, Sam A. I think the FI as well. Don't they have

two or three? at the moment. So, Sam A... I think the FI as well. Don't they have to approve? In Sharon! I've heard that shout a few times. Sam A, please make sure this is, I should say, this is in relation to Fortune Cookie. Okay. We'd put up a social media post saying we might have got to

the end of the fortune cookie saga thanks to an email sam has been in touch to say please make sure this section makes it into the podcast and then let's hear no more of it unless there are new revelations you know what sam i'm kind of inclined to agree with you. But we are doing it. That today was a new revelation, Candy Gate. Yeah. And also, I like the idea... outside of the intimate situation.

I like the idea that people listen to the podcast and think the stuff has been cut out. And that stuff got in. Why, it's...

Why, it's the first day, I heard of it. That's my Gr first day, I don't know. That's my Groucho Marx. Liked it. Thanks very much. Just for people at home who

didn't know who it was. You know when we're impressionists, we used to turn around and fros the

air up and they'd say things like, yeah, I wonder what Frank Spencer would think about this before they

turn around, just in case there's any doubt. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 377, we were talking about blue plaques on the house.

Hi, Frank. In Whitstable, there is a house with a blue plaque saying that Peter Cushing used to live there. Let me tell you something about that. This is from Gwen, by the way. Okay. Why has she brought that up? Because we were talking about blue plaques earlier. I know, but you can't just say there's a blue plaque.

I mean, what kind of a link is that? I think she can. Well, she is. That house, in fact. Don't be so rude to people. I'll tell you why I know of that. It's that I was thinking about buying that house shut up

because how did it go bringing it up and now it's been an ideal story for you apologise to Gwen

it's almost as if Gwen knows this can I just ask is this what it's like being rich whenever you

see a blue plaque you think I might get that house is that what it's like only if they've

played Doctor Who well there's a Peter Sellers one in Highgate which I you think, I might get that house. Only if they've played Doctor Who. Well, there's a Peter Sellers one in Highgate, which I toyed with briefly. It's a lovely cottage. But anyway, here's the thing. We had friends in Whitstable and all that,

and there's a lovely sort of community thingy going on there. Really joined the middle class, I love it. We looked at this place and it was a nice, it was a little place but what it was, the place that we looked at, when Peter Cushing lived there, it was a bigger house and then when it got

sold, they split it into two and sold it as two separate properties and the one I looked at, the other one had the plaque on it and I thought, two separate properties and the one I looked at the other one had the plaque on it and I thought I don't want the one that hasn't got the plaque, even though he lived there when it was a big house I don't want the one that hasn't got the

plaque, I'm out as well well of course if you also in Highgate there are quite a few plaques up there there is a blue plaque with A.E. Houseman on it. That would be great.

So, you know, it was on the market a few years ago. I'm sorry. Okay. In the meantime, 026 says Charles Dickens was born. There it is. It's been a while.

It has. I mean, imagine if you. Oh, there it is. The A house, the alarm. It's been a while. It has. I mean, imagine if you lived there, how often that would be going. I like the idea that the idea of buying a house now has become a sign of richness. Oh, no, I mean, that's specific. That's like in London now. If you see people snogging in London,

you can't say, oh, get a room, because often they just can't. You have to say, oh, get a room, because often they just can't. You have to say, I'll get a room in your parents' house. 026. You have to say, get an Airbnb. Oh, exactly. 026 has solved the Dickensian mystery.

Okay. Not the Edwin Drood. No. But the one concerning the plaque. Charles Dickens was actually born in Portsmouth, or born in Portsmouth, so probably more appropriate for them to display a plaque than most other places.

JW from, unsurprisingly, Portsmouth. Look, I'm happy with Pompey getting the credit for it, but in London, he must be... I've never seen a plaque count of famous people, but I would say Dickens has got to be a runaway leader. Top of the leaderboard. Oh, man, he's all over the place. More black than Pete Doherty's teeth.

Doing the bad teeth. See, that's it. Here you go. We didn't know he was in the bad teeth. Because if I hadn't been in the room, I'd have been in the frame. I'd like to bring your attention to an email that we've received. I can't remember when this came in, but it's not today.

It's one of our historic email corner emails. Hi, Frank and the gang. Long-time reader, first-time writer. I was at the gym the other day. I really like this character, Jim Rack. Two tickets to the gun show, Al. Yeah, I was at the gym the other day and the music I was listening to through my headphones was exactly, caps for exactly,

in time with the music playing in the gym. I was exceptionally happy with this. But when I told my wife, she was distinctly underwhelmed. I was wondering... I think you could take that sentence and put it in a million times. I certainly can. I've heard a lot of those anecdotes.

I was wondering whether any of you had experienced any similar incidents of personal triumph that are meaningless to everyone else. Praise redacted, Russell. Well, I mean, the chat show I referred to earlier. I don't know, it was quite lauded at the time. Oh, it was lauded for a while. I believe it was...

Lauded? It was so lauded that it was headline news, wasn't it? Regularly. Oh, when it went to ITV that it was headline news wasn't it about it regularly when it went to ITV it was headline news anyway we won't go into that

oh let's not talk about that if we hadn't gone there I wouldn't be looking at Peter Cushing's house exactly I feel your pain here Russell because I recently had exactly this

I I don't want you guys to get too impressed now. Okay. No, you're all right. I completed a debit card. I completed. How do you do that? I know what you mean.

Do you want to explain it to Frank? What, you fill it up, do you? No, I think he's saying he saw it out to its full tenure. Yeah. So, you know what, I'm not going to offend Shane. I thought you meant it was like a Starbucks thing where you get it stamped and then you... No.

You saw it through to the expiration date. You know the last three years and then the bank company sends you another one? Yeah. I did the full three without losing it. Oh. I. I did the full three without losing it. Oh! I think I always... You never... No one surely does the full three all the time. Oh, don't say that.

Next you'll be saying you've never cracked your iPhone screen. No, I have done that. Weirdos that don't crack their iPhone. Welcome back to reality. I've done that, yeah, but I quite liked it, actually. It looked like Spider-Man had sent me a lot of pictures and stuff. He had the web on the corner.

I liked it, but then the trouble is with the Apple Pay, sometimes you get shards. Oh, I've never used Apple Pay. Shards of glass. So most people don't get the whole way through a debit card. I think most people are losing it or they're having purses stolen or bags stolen. When I got my, like, oh, here's your new debit card and I'd done the full three years, I genuinely expected to get, like, a well done card from the bank at the same time. Like, congratulations. We've realised that this is the same. Again, this

is a revelation for me. I don't think I've ever lost one. What? I've never lost... Oh, you just don't carry any. Never gets his wallet out. No, I do. Just leave it at home, don't you? I do.

No. Well, I'm famous, it'll be all right. No, come on. He's like the Queen. I mean with the money. In so many ways. Yeah. Now, well, that surprises me.

I mean, the thing about the double barrel, names being taken by both partners, I didn't see that coming. What an education it's been. I would feel a real sense of achievement, Al, if I made it through to the expiration date. Wow. I don't think I've ever done it.

I was really pleased with myself. No, that's good. Well done you. I love that one. People say that. That is, honestly, if anyone says that to me, contact

details deleted. They must have said that when the book started doing well. Oh, well done you. Oh, I don't like well done you. I tell you what I hated when the book came out well. Oh, yeah? Oh, well done, you. Oh, I don't like well done, you. I'll tell you what I hated when the book came out. I can talk about it like that now. Did anyone say congratulations? No one said congratulations, well done.

No, no one said that. I'll tell you what I felt very allergic to. Go on. Yes, but I know it all came from a very genuine place, but I was very allergic to what an achievement. Yeah. All defriended those people. What an achievement,

open bracket, for you. Yeah. Can't quite bring myself to say much. Oh, come on, there was a lot of love in the room. There was. Oh, there was love everywhere.

The Guardian. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Boys, have you been watching, did you see the Women's World Cup? What, the whole thing? Yeah, well last night... I've seen, I've seen... Have you seen some of it? Well, I've been gigging every night, but I've seen a fair bit.

Seen a few. We won last night, didn't we? We did. Which is good news. It's difficult for me to say we because I was born in Scotland. Oh, yeah. So you lost. You actually lost last night.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've forgotten I hate that about you. Yeah, yeah, it's difficult. Not that I don't like Scottish. No. There's a bit of me that hates that about me as well. Let me say, I love that you're Scottish. What I hate is that you're not with us

on the support front sometimes. I find it difficult to say this about Scotland and England because obviously I sound like this, but I feel like that. It's difficult when you sound like one. Like Rod Stewart is very hard to buy into the Scottish thing with him because he just sounded so English.

Yeah. He really did. It's where your heart lies. It's along the path I walked. Anyway. So we're through to the... Sorry really did. It's where your heart lies. It's along the path I walked. Anyway. So we're through to the... Sorry, Scotland. It hasn't gone that well.

England are through to the last 16, I believe now. Yeah. Which is nice. Is it coming home, Frank? Oh, I think. You never know. I haven't seen them really... What's the word for lionesses?

I haven't seen them... I haven't seen them roar. Lovely. But they're doing... Yeah, they're doing uh yeah they're doing good no it's not quite coming home but it's it's downloaded the the cab app right would you say waiting to download can i tell you something i've i i right at the beginning of the women's world cup they had a a person talking who'd been a woman's footballer. Yeah.

And she said, one thing you'll love about, you know, watching women's football if you're new to it, is you don't get diving, you don't get arguing with the referee. And I watched the Australia-Brazil game the other night. There was loads of both. Oh, really? Well, I mean, I watched Argentina and I would just like to say

I'm delighted to report that there seems to be consistency across the male and female Argentinian teams in terms of a sense of fair play. Well, there you go. I do wonder, there isn't so much of, and I wonder if this is a biological difference. I haven't seen anywhere near as much spitting in women's football

as there is in men's. Surely we've got the same saliva glands and stuff. I've never spat. I think it's a habit. Well, I've never... What about toothbrushing? Oh, yeah. In the privacy of my own...

That's true. In the privacy of my own car. I must admit, I've never been much of a spitter. Meaning? Why do people spit? I think some people... Thanks, 1215. It's just the texting we've been waiting for all our lives.

No, I think there's a theory that when you do a lot of exercise, if you're running and stuff... I ran with Adrian Childs once and he spat all... Oh, it was like... Oh. God, it was like running with a camel. Oh. He spat... It certainly it was like... Oh. God, it was like running with a camel. Oh. It was spat...

It certainly smelt like it. He was... He was spitting all the time. Oh, Adrian! I used to run eight miles a day. I don't remember ever spitting during running at all. You're not a spitter because you are, as has been confirmed by your partner several times,

immaculate. Immaculate. No, but people tell me when they do a lot of running and stuff that they can't help it this stuff builds up in their mouth and they're going to

get it out they can help it yeah filthy devils the women footballers I think the footballers can help it as well because I don't think

they spit when playing five-a-side indoors but I think they spit when they play why do they do it outdoors that is a point lovely point from Al

thanks very much. Do you think they're showing off? I'll get my stuff. I'm going to go. I feel like I've peaked. I wonder if it's just like a tick. Is it just like a tick that people spit in? I think so.

And also you're sliding about on the pitch and there's all that spit on there. In the modern world, we've got the avians, the swines. That's why Gary Lineker is sliding around oncker was sliding around I mean they're all there it's all yes but it's maybe they ought to clamp down

on the spitting now Al said that about the fiver sign I'm starting to think it is actually optional of course it's optional dear no I thought they couldn't help themselves anyway I don't think I've seen anyone spit yet in the women's world cup is actually optional. Of course it's optional, dear. No, I thought they couldn't help themselves. Anyway, I don't think I've seen anyone spit yet in the Women's World Cup. And that's, I've been on my out most nights,

but I've watched, say, five, six games. No, but they did get in trouble over celebrating, which we need to discuss. Well, we'll come to that. Un momento. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Women's World Cup and the US team specifically.

Yes. I wanted to see what you thought of this. The ladies got, what did they get into, Al? They got into a little bit of trouble. I love it every time. There was some Twitter outrage, words that have never gone together before or since. No.

Yeah, they won 13-0, and they celebrated after each and every goal. They beat Thailand. Yes, and the suggestion by a lot of people, we say a lot of people, I don't know how large this demographic was, but some people suggested it wasn't classy and that when you have a margin of victory like that

the appropriate thing to do is just to get on with the job but not to over-celebrate because it's disrespectful to the team that are losing. So after 3 or 4-0 they should all treat each goal like... With disdain, maybe. Like when Dennis Law backheeled Man City out of the... No, Man United. Man United he backheeled out of the first.

To be fair, why the results went that day, they would have gone down anyway. Right, yeah. But yeah, so yeah. Ever with the detail. The element, like, players who go back to their club, their old club often don't

don't celebrate I love it when they do it at the Albion though I just think oh thank you no I do I love it I remember Romelu

Lukaku oh yes he scored at West Brom he'd played for us before and then afterwards he didn't he didn't celebrate which was great

and then they interviewed Jose Mourinho who was his manager at the time He'd played for us before. And then afterwards, he didn't celebrate, which was great. And then they interviewed Jose Mourinho, who was his manager at the time, and they said, why didn't he celebrate? There was all these rumours he was unhappy. And they said he didn't celebrate. Is that because he's unhappy at the club? He said, no. He said, I think he loves West Bromwich Ambience.

In a kind of, like he eats raw onions. It was that kind of toad. Cheek. There's a weird bit to this story that I found, I was surprised myself that I got angry at it. Not because of the

13-0, not because of the You're a bit of a gammon now, generally. I am a bit of a gammon, yeah, yeah. Please see yourself for using gammon there. A little bit of a gammon now, generally. I am a bit of a gammon, yeah, yeah. Please see yourself for using gammon there. A little bit of a gammon, but... It's the word I only use this morning. Isn't it lovely? You're the first time you have played.

And now you'll have mentionitis for about 48 hours. Exactly, yeah. But there was a bit where I... But you're a gammon with a lovely pineapple ring on the top. Thanks very much. I, er... Yeah, my hair stood on the back of my head. Who decided that they went together?

Oh, I love that as a combo. I suspect my parents being the most 70s people ever. Was there pigs, a lot of pigs in the Pacific? Is that what happened there? It's a weird, just a thing to say, what we're going to put on this, well, it's obvious, isn't it? Also, can I just say, the presentation people from the 70s,

you can't just put a one ring on it. I mean, you would get served a gammon in a canteen set-up with just one ring dumped on it. And there's an alternative to a fried egg. It's not a very likely alternative, are you? Why not gammon? Why not orange? You know what they say? Why not lemon? If you like gammon, then you? Why not gammon? Why not orange? You know what they say? Why not lemon?

If you like gammon, then you ought to put a ring on it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I'm going to pick up where we left off. I got a little bit grouchy and irritated in the conversation that I saw about the women's football team from America beating the Thai football team. Oh, yeah. 13-0.

Because on the news report I saw, there was some American kind of football pundits discussing the news. And one of them said, yeah, they beat the Thais 13-0. And another one said, yeah, they were 13-0 and another one said, yeah, they were 13-0 and I thought, oh no, no, no, no, no. I'm all right with ladies playing football. I'm actually all right with them celebrating

even to the point of 13-0 but I'm not having 13-0. That's the wrong, you're using the wrong terminology. I think it was Whoopi Goldberg said on The View, which is their loose women. Yes. 13-0.

They say that a lot and they say zero and they don't understand our language, the Americans. Yeah. But I... What did you think about the celebrationi? Well, it's something I was... Celebrationi. I don't suppose any of you...

I don't want to give you a hospital pass, but does anyone know what the half-time score was? 3-0. It was 3-0 at half-time and they won 13-0. Good second half. And five goals scored by... One thing I find utterly remarkable about that is in men's football, the amount of games I've seen where it's been a sizzling first half

and a team has scored three or four goals and taken over and the second half they think well we've won it now relax and it's a

dull 45 minutes to get through I think it's brilliant these women just kept powering forward into the Thailand defence and I

mean you could see they were thinking oh man we can fill our boots here. Because, I mean, the spaces on that forum was... Also, it's difficult, isn't it? Because I sort of understand the point of you to a degree, but then I think, well, if that's your first goal scored,

why should you not be allowed to celebrate? And there were three women, I think, who had never scored before in a World Cup. And you think well actually that's still your goal you can always the whole thing

is from people who don't understand football I think people watching football for the first time I saw an American presenter

a female presenter who said to one of the guys no I believe in soccer the etiquette is not to celebrate too much I thought well it, the etiquette is not to celebrate too much.

I thought, well, it's the first day, I didn't know. In football, the etiquette is, I mean, there are celebrations that are basically, they're sort of based on interpretive dance. People rehearse celebrations in training. There are ones based on elaborate gymnastic things.

I mean, people work on them. Bamiang and Lacazette have a whole two-person dance structure. No, I mean, that's a long now time-honoured tradition. I mean, often you think, oh, sure, I'll put it. And there's ones that come back again, the dummy in the mouth, the rocking

baby. Let's not talk about Robbie Fowler's. But I would say, I think you're right, it's a lack of understanding. These people haven't lived through the dentist chair. No. Google it, children. No.

They don't, and millennials in the studio are looking absolutely, what's that? But they haven't lived through these experiences. They don't understand it is part of the game. Also, I mean, because of the nature of the game, we didn't have a Thailand celebration to compare it with. No. Because they never celebrated. It might have been, for all we know,

that they adopted, you know, that sort of 1950s English thing of the polite handshake. Oh, I love that. What I'm saying is there might have been old school Thais. Oh, dear. Handshake. I love that. What I'm saying is there might have been old school ties. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With this, the thrashing, the US women's team thrashing the tie team,

one Canadian sports reporter actually said, come on, why are they even trying to score anymore? They should have stopped at 9-0. So he was suggesting that it was unclassy of them to continue to try and score goals once they'd got... Out of kindness, sort of thing. Yeah, well, he suggested it was unclassy. Yeah, because obviously... That's a misappointment that those goals count.

And obviously, yeah. But also, 9-0 of course wouldn't be a humiliating defeat. Yeah. If they could hold their heads

high after 9-0. Yeah. I feel like that would be patronising to people that have got to a World Cup. Yes.

They're in the World Cup. It's not like they're beating some people in a training match, is it? Yeah, exactly.

They're in a World Cup. I mean, there is, I would say more than in the Men's World Cup. It's not like they're beating some people in a training match, is it? Yeah, exactly. They're in a World Cup. I mean, there is, I would say more than in the Men's World Cup. One thing, there is more disparity like that. There are some teams who are there really to be, they're going to be walloped over and over. Yeah, because they were like 34th,

I think they were ranked, and America were about, what are they, fifth? When England beat Panama 6-1 in the Men's World Cup, it was a similar category. Yes, that's true. Reminds me of the time that Ronnie O'Sullivan received some pushback from Alan Robidoux because he started playing him left-handed. Yeah, well, yeah. That's slightly different.

It's not like they weren't doing that thing from school of running the ball up to the line and then kneeling down and heading it in. It wasn't like that. If they were doing it like school rules, they would have given Thailand their best player just to make it even. They weren't playing just headers and fancy kicks.

You know, they were a bit more respectful. After 9-0 they should have done just headers and fancy kicks. Can I just say something as well, Al? Slow it down a bit. When they were saying it was unclassy, their celebrations were overboard. They kept saying overboard. I mean, define overboard. Have these people

seen Ronaldo and Luis Suarez, the way they celebrate? I mean, it was nothing. They just hugged each other. They celebrated scoring a goal. Fair play. I know. Why is it, why is that bad? But if somebody wins the lottery, they feel perfectly fine about going on the news. It's the return to Frank's bugbear.

With champagne and stuff going, yes, yes, we are not poor anymore. Ha ha. And people love that. And yet when I'm buying Peter Cushing's house, then suddenly I'm the bad guy. Tell everyone what you said about the lottery winners. All I'm saying is this, is if you've actually earned your money,

you have to be apologetic about it, play it down. If you win it in a game of chance, you can be on telly with champagne. Hurrah! We've got some money through no merit of our own. And here we are posing with a giant cheque. You know my rule? What?

If you win the lottery, it should be part of the deal. You have to wear a top hat for the rest of your life so you can be identified. Yeah, why should they be of the deal you have to wear a top hat for the rest of your life so you can be identified. Yeah, why should they be all right on the bus? We're discussing the over-celebrating American women's soccer team. Soldier. I'm not sure it is over celebrating

because I think we have to factor in that this tournament only happens every four years. So there's sort of a lot of pent up celebrating. There's an expectation. I think you celebrate as much as you like. I speak as a man who punched the air when he got through a full debit card. Well, exactly.

It took three years. I speak as a man. I was talking about, I think the context was, I was talking about there was a time that when you had a tablet or iPhone-y type thing, you used to write with a small plastic pointy thing

and I couldn't remember the name of it. Now, don't say it. I'm so sorry. You talk about over celebrating. This is the moment when I remembered what it was called. Somebody's given us the plural which

derives from Latin. Stylus! Oh there you go. Yeah! A bit Stuart Pearson here. I could have danced all night. Yeah, that I would say is over-celebrating. You think?

Can you imagine if he scored five goals against Thailand in a World Cup? Rather than just remembered something. Rather than remember just anything else, the word stylist. You'll find when you're my age, remembering things mean more than scoring a goal in a World Cup. Although I got very excited when you remembered, successfully remembered,

the name of the man in Brushstrokes, the actor in Brushstrokes. Ah, yes. This was off-air. Just a little insight into our off-air shenanigans. And the main character from Heart of Darkness, well, I remember that. I think it was something like eight days later it came to me.

This is because I won't Google things I don't remember, you see, so this is how it goes. Can I say one thing that I've noticed in the Women's World Cup? Careful! Can I say one thing that I've noticed in the Women's World Cup? You would... Careful! You'd expect, because these are professional sports people, you know, that they would have short hair. Right.

And apart from some teams like China, South Korea and stuff, most of the women have got long hair tied back. Yes. Almost all of them. And, you know, in World Cups, you get the official snack food, the official soft drink. There's no official scrunchie.

Oh. No, they have missed such an opportunity. Well, especially some of the male players now have the man bun. Oh, God, yeah. So you're right. Or Alex Band. Yeah.

You're right. They need to have. They should have them with their own, you know, the country's on. It's a great idea. Do you remember those elastic ones that used to have little plastic balls on? Do you remember those? Do you know, I always associate them with the Brady Bunch. Yes, but you could have little footballs, you see.

Oh, nice. The opportunities missed. You have so many business ideas, Frank. You should go into Dragon's Den. Imagine Frank in Dragon's Den now. I'm just worried that some angry person will now text in and say, oh, you never made jokes about male footballers' funny hairstyles. No.

Oh, hold on a minute. Au contraire. No, but they're all constantly redoing their scrunchies. Yeah. I mean, get your hair cut. It's my time. Yeah. If you want to know where to go,

Frank goes to Mr. Topper's, which costs... Mr. Topper. Mr. Topper, I do apologise. But there's probably a Miz. Which costs £12. Is there a Miz topper? I think it's nine. It's £9.

No, because women wouldn't go somewhere like that because they like nice haircuts. I've actually gone up in the world now. I go to the Turkish barbers in Hampstead where they set fire to my ear hair. Oh, I like that. Do you? It's not that efficient now.

You gave me misgivings first time, but I like it. I've got quite a lot of wax in there. What worries me is my whole side of my head could catch fire, which I think is a fantasy we've all had. A very different kind of Turkish delight. Yes. I remember in Billy Lyre, which was the second novel I ever read by Keith Warthouse,

he sits on the bus, I think, thinking, what would one do, he says, what would one really do if mischievous boys wedged a lighted firework in your ear? Thanks for tuning in to us today. Mucho apreciatum, as I think Marcus Aurelius once said. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.