The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - OMGANDY

Episode Date: April 23, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week and Emily is joined by Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards. The team make guesses as to Frank's whereabouts and they also discuss Emily's trip with David Gandy, the Queen's Birthday and Johnny Depp's apology.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning. You are listening to the Frank Skinner radio show, but we're Frank-less today, aren't we, boys? It is a Frank-less job. Oh, lovely, Alan. Starting early. Big Daddy has left Uncle Buck in charge this week, so quack out the brewskis, boys. Let's get partying. Gareth, I'm done the top button there. Mm-hmm. Yes, it was already undone.

Oh, OK. But I'll undo another one if you want. OK, I've got... No, no, I'm fine. I'm good with one. It just happened. It just happened. OK. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show. Does anyone frank on the radio or you can email the show does anyone ever email the show yeah okay that's cleared that up um yeah so text us don't dm us so that's for sleazebags um and do all the other things uh you need to do how are you boys i should say i'm with alan cochran this morning and uh i am also with Gareth Richards. Good morning. Good morning. I missed something extraordinary last week because I was away, which I'll get on to. It's a story involving

Montenegro and David Gandy. That's all you need to know right now. However, Alan, I missed some very exciting news about you. Would you care to share? Oh, that I did Coronation Street? Yes! I can't believe that you've just trailed my Coronation Street appearance with your Montenegro and David Gandhi.

That's already like... OK, tell us your little story, Alan. Yeah, I did it yesterday. They were very nice, very friendly. Very friendly. And there was an extremely... What's your part? Are you allowed to say? I am at a school reunion with one of

the regulars like i went to school with one of the regulars and oh yeah i'm only in one episode but and do you play yourself or do you play a character i i play um i play uh i think it's a friendly northern bloke or something like that. That's in keeping with who you are. You're very friendly. Definitely two out of three. Yeah, exactly. Definitely a bloke. Do you have a name?

Yes, Dom. Oh, you're very Dom. I can see you as a Dom. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to go on about it, but they were all very nice. Actually, I'm slightly sad that one of them wasn't horrible and that I can come in and tell jokes about how horrible they were, but they were lovely.

And the excitement in the cafeteria about it being Fish and Chip Friday was off the scale. I do have concerns, though. I've got to be honest with you. Are you going to be one of those people that work together for one day and then you're going to set up a Facebook group and WhatsApp and say, hey, guys, it's Dom. Dom from Corrie.

We worked together that day. Just like me. That's definitely what I do, innit? You know, I used to be a TV warm-up man and I never show up about that, do I? All that stuff. I wouldn't... Well, I'm really excited.

Did you get to go to the pub as well? No, but I was in the bistro. I don't think that's a spoiler alert. There's a bistro on Corrie and Aisha's street? What's happened? When did it get all... Everything's changed, alert. There's a bistro on Coronation Street. There's a bistro. What's happened? When did it get all 70s? Everything's changed, guys. The world is moving forward.

Wow. Even Corrie's got, like, Wi-Fi and a bistro with, uh, you know, chalk writing, you know, slogans that say, oh, you can't be happy, you can't be unhappy if you're near a pie. Who has bistros now? That is so 70s. What do they serve? Coco Van? Yeah, the North.

That's why I was on it. Coco Van, because, you know, that was my nickname. Oh, I should say... Where's Montenegro? Well, we'll get to that in a minute. We'll get to Montenegro. Is it Montenegro or Montenegro? It's in the Balkans. It's a small country in the Balkans. Is that right? Yes, I know that. I just went there with David Gandhi.

Part of the former Yugoslavia. Is it really? Mm. Oh. I know that. I actually thought it was in the Bah Yugoslavia. Is it really? Mm. Ah. I know that. I actually thought it was in the Bahamas or something. It means... I've got no idea.

That is so embarrassing. Is it? It means Black Mountain. Does it? Yeah. And is there... Montenegro. That's what it means.

Is there a Black Mountain there? Is that why? I don't know. I didn't see it. Oh. Okay. Anyway, we need to talk about Frank, because I've heard some rumours about him this morning. Mm-hmm.

Well, have you heard them? Apparently he's going to be the next Doctor Who companion. Oh, my gosh. But is that 100% confirmed? No, I don't think so. I know it is, because I saw on Twitter... Hang on, the rumour is 100% a rumour, but I don't think it is confirmed as a fact. I saw on Twitter, there was something on Twitter which said... This is how all the best news stories start, isn't it? No.

I saw on Twitter. I mean, there was one man with a sort of air gavital when I say I saw it on Twitter. But he was saying he's being touted as the new Doctor Who companion because the logic is that the announcement is being made during the FA Cup semi-final. And he is the only crossover between football and doctor who frank is that what they're saying he's as close as you're gonna get he's the only man who likes both he brought football home yeah did he and he helped the doctor do some stuff yeah what if he is the new assistant or companion or whatever their pa i don't know and he never told us the thing is like alan's going to curry frank's going off into time

like it's tearing us apart what about the rest of you guys yeah yeah you know what it's fine because i'll always have david gandhi absolute absolute radio frank skinner, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Alan keeps literally falling out of his chair. Yeah, I keep leaning on the left armrest. Don't we all, darling, when we grow up in North London? Yeah, yeah. And it sort of collapses. And that time when I did it, Daisy, the producer, honestly rolled her eyes as if to go,

is he going to ever stop leaning on that armrest? Because it's been like four weeks in a row now that I've done it all the way through the show. So I think I'll just leave it now. Just leave it. I'm going to stop leaning on it. By the way, we should say, you can text the show. Do you like the way I just changed the subject because I got bored? Yeah, yeah.

We can... Bored is fine. Yeah, I was bored. I'm very familiar with that. Let me say the bit. You can text the show on 8-12-15. You can follow the show on Twitter. What's our Twitter handle, Alan?

At Frank on the radio. Good boy for a Twitter avoider. Hi, Gareth. Hello. Morning. Good morning. Thank you. 834 has texted,

the doctor's assistant is always a female. Is Frank camping it up for the role? He might. I think he'd be prepared to, to be in Doctor Who frequently. Well, he did wear a sort of flat cap when he was Perkins. I don't think that's camp. Oh, is it not? If not, if it is, then the north of England has got a shock.

I was going to say, you sound quite defensive when you say that. May I also say that the doctor's assistant is not always female there have been many male assistants nonsense in the history of the show nonsense oh men men from well with oh just call you wikipedia gareth with billy billy and um the other one daisy i don I don't know if they're real names or they're show names, but they both... Extraordinary sentences. Don't deconstruct my sentences.

Can you never introduce a band on stage? There's Billy and the other one, not really sure who that is. Both of their boyfriends went in a TARDIS and travelled with them. Whose boyfriends? The Billy Piper. Oh, okay. Billy Piper's character's boyfriend went in the TARDIS. Noel Clark.

Yes. Yes. And the other one. And the other one. And the other boyfriend, yeah, yeah. I think even people, even people who subscribe to WhoAlerts are switched off now. And I would also, I think we should make it clear that it is a rumour at this stage. We can't confirm what it is.

Of course it's a rumour. Because it's never going to happen. What? You really think that? Why not? I mean, it might do. Frank wouldn't like it if you said that.

Never say that. I'm going to tell him. I'd hate to upset Frank. Oh, why don't you, Gareth, I think you're the man for the job. Let's put him forward. Why don't you text Frank and ask him? Do it and in the next break, Gareth, I think you're the man for the job. Let's put him forward. Why don't you text Frank and ask him? Do it, and in the next break, just say, look, just tell us straight,

are you the new companion? OK, have you got Frank's number? I'll read it out on air. He's never let me have it, have I? OK, well, it's very exciting. And if it's, can you imagine, because Gary Lineker might be announcing it, because it's on Match of the Day. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That, wow. Yeah. That's cool. I don't know why they're announcing Doctor Who on Match of the Day. This is the whole point, isn't it? Well, this is why people are thinking it might be Frank. Hmm. Okay. Oh, he's going to be so happy if he's listening from his little, where is he, a camping stove or something, he'll be gathered around.

Oh, I haven't told you about David Gandy and my holiday with him in Montenegro. Awesome. Do you want to hear about it? Yeah, I'm desperate to hear about it. Tough, I'm going to play an advert. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show, or should I say the new companions show, because I'm genuinely starting to think Frank might be the new Doctor Who companion. One of us has just come up with a very good theory. Would one of you care to elaborate? Well, we've had a message on Twitter from someone saying, just listing the previous male companions just to clear that up,

because I don't know if they feel like my explanation of that wasn't enough i'll be honest your explanation was somewhat confused by the fact that the billy you mentioned was a girl and then you were using that as an example of boys that had been in the tardis yeah and i think because you just said billy and the other ones and i said i think i said all the right words but not necessarily in the right order. He says... I like the way that you said that, and I'm rather pleased with yourself.

Yeah, boasting about the lack of poetry. Anyway, as you were. Troy Astarte, I think it is. Oh, he sounds nice. Made up name. He does. He just sounds like he'd be handsome. He can come in the kayak with me and david gandhi

oh i must remind me to talk about that later okay um that's what i said to david he wouldn't leave me alone though ian chesterton was a companion right from the beginning and of course brig um lethbridge stewart harry when you say when you say and of Brig, I have no idea who Brig is. No, well, I don't know who any of these people are either, but they're previous Doctor Who male companions. The plot thickens. Well, I'll tell you what does thicken the plot. But he could be a male companion, Al, in the sort of civil partnership sense.

I'm not sure. Because that would be very modern, and they'd be a lovely couple, Frank and... What's his name? Capaldi. Oh, yeah. The Doctor. Lovely. Also known as The Doctor.

Yeah, The Doctor. Um, Nugget has texted in, frequent texter of the show, uh, and he has said, perhaps Frank began whitening his teeth to clinch the Doctor's assistant gig. That's what it is! He says, have a good one. O.M. Gandhi. And I'll tell you what. He is the new companion.

Well, I've also got another theory. I mean, like, he's watched both... That's why he's got white teeth out! He's watched both series of Broadchurch, back to back, and the new dude on Doctor Who is the Broadchurch guy. No way! Oh, M. Gandhi, Mark II.

This is getting a little bit strange now. Frank, if you're listening, please put us out of our misery he can't he's backstage in a tunnel at wembley gary's gonna bring him onto the pitch is it hang on can i throw a curveball at you guys is it beyond reasonable doubt that it might be someone connected to football that is not frank skinner like we might watch the robbie savage wouldn't that be a big story though like if we turned it on and it was robbie savage was vinnie jones does acting vinnie jones does acting been overlooked eric canton imagine if eric canton ran out i'm the new assistant when the trailer follows the fish i'd like someone a bit obscure, like Bobby Zamora. That'd be great.

Oh, I'd love that. Well, anyway, we could talk about this all morning, and we will continue to, but I'm just in shock, because it's all coming together now. I feel like Helen Mirren, in the detective sense, not in the, you know, I'm 70 sense.

Or you are in a bikini. Yes, bikinis. Let's talk about Montenegro. Oh, yes. If I'm absolutely honest, what islands did you say that it was part of? It's one of the Balkans, isn't it? I don't know where they are, either. They're in Star Trek. Oh, are they?

Yes. No, the Balkans... What flight did you get? It's near... It was a jet privé, thank you. The Balkans... Will you explain, Gary? It used to be in Yugoslavia. And I think there used to be one state with Serbia, but then there was an agreement that two years into it they would have a referendum about whether they wanted to be independent.

OK, that's a lot of information. Basically, it's near Croatia. OK. And it's now one. Okay. Okay? And it's now one of these Eastern European beachy places where the... That is what they're called, collectively. The beautiful go, because no one else knows about them yet. That is good. It is.

Only the media elite. I've been there, Gareth. Yeah. So I will be talking about it. No, that was a really good explanation of it. Yeah. They like to explain things. Yeah.

Great. What currency do they use, Gareth? Sorry, you want to tell us, don't you, Emily? Currents. I talking about it. No, that was a really good explanation of it. Yeah, they like to explain things. Yeah. Great. What currency do they use, Gareth? Sorry, you want to tell us, don't you? Currency. I'd love to. They deal completely in currency. I'd love to tell you, but I didn't put my hand in my pocket once. Did anyone else?

You are absolutely accurate. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is The Frank Skinner Show, by the way. You can text us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. And I'm joined this morning by The Cockerel and by Gareth Richards.

And what will we talk... Oh, I'll tell you what I would like to'm joined this morning by the cockerel and by gareth richards and what will we talk oh i'll tell you what i would like to talk about this morning did i say i'm called emily dean because they might not know who i am daisy i'm emily dean you're emily dean okay uh what about prince george in that bathrobe yeah it's a strange little photograph isn't it where obama and his dad are both stooping they're sort of squatting down to to say night night to him it seems like yes and he met obama last night he looks like the best presented child after a bath ever to me like he's got he's got his pajama top buttoned right up to the top like he's a mod or something like a mod in a polo shirt al you shouldn't be wearing a bathrobe to meet barack obama it's so disrespectful i don't care

how old you are that was my child that's it wear a bathrobe all tight singed at the waist i think it was quite late at night or not late yeah you know for him i think if he hadn't have been in his gym jams there would have been controversy about how late at night he was allowed to stay up. That's a good point, actually. Oh, the old royalist over there. We don't want our future monarch to be kept up late at night by any man.

I know, but I think... I think POTUS would be fine with it. I think POTUS would be like, yeah, yeah, it's fine, he's got his PJs on. I just think the monogram velvet slippers were a touch de trove. And I also think it was a little bit Richie Rich. You know, I can't even be bothered to get dressed for you.

I don't care who you are. There's pictures of him on a rocking horse as well, and it's not like a plasticky, rubbishy rocking horse like my children would have. It's like a wooden royal rocking horse. I think it's so cruel. It's all too much. How many hands high do you think the

rocking horse is but you know i think this is cruel because they should let him play with minions and frozen lego castles not some old rocking horse how embarrassing with his minions you mean like his subjects yeah let him play with the minions yeah Yeah, they're probably quite bad. Oh, no, Mother, I don't think we should have anything like that. No, I mean from Despicable Me. Oh! It also looks like he's saying, hello, this is Mr Obama, he's from the United States. Oh, really, Daddy, is that one of ours?

No, not any more, son. Do you remember Frank did point out, I say Frank, I should say, Peter Capaldi's new friend, shall we say? Yeah. Very good friend. Are they going out? Yes.

What are you suggesting? Doctor Who is the civil partnership. It's clearly going to be a civil partnership. And I like that. Has anyone heard from Frank, by the way? No, no, no, nothing yet. Defo new companion, then. Yeah, yeah, no, Frank has pointed out that Prince George looks like a bit of a bruiser. He don't, there is something quite aggressive, and there was something,

I'm sure he's a lovely little boy, but... I'm not so sure, I think he's got an edge. I think he looks nice. No, that's not based on anything, I just... I just think, if you don't want to look entitled put some clothes on when potus comes into your house looks entitled i don't think i i mean none of my children ever look that tidy during the day let alone at night time right before bed it looks like his robe has been ironed like an ironed robe what a life yeah

What a life. Yeah. Oh, you know what I still haven't talked about? Montenegro? Yeah. David Gendy? Yes. Oh.

Have we got time to talk about it now? No! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think the time has come for us to go over to Montenegro. Sorry, Alan, you were going to say? Yeah, I was going to say, you were away next week. You were away last week, rather. I just got all time-travelling.

It's the Doctor Who thing. Yeah, in a nod to Big Daddy's new role. This isn't like a wind-up, is it? It's not like you're pranking us. You were genuinely away because you were... Was it kayaking in Montenegro with David Gandy or something? Yes, it was a Tuesday in my life. This is what I do. Are your weekends planned by what was left over on Alan Partridge's dictaphone when,

kayaking, David Gandy, Montenegro? How dare you. Is that what happens? It was an extraordinary weekend. I was flown out there. Was it a work engagement or business or pleasure as well? Yes, it was a work engagement. It was with... Gandhi suggested it.

Yeah. I imagine I would have loved it. I really like kayaking, Emily. What are you doing on the weekend of... Hi, Emily, Gandhi here. Fancy a kayak? Now, it's the male model gandhi who not only is not alive sadly but i don't think would have gone kayaking with me on a private jet

oh okay good point all good points apparently they do have the exact same percentage of body fat fat that one said yes no my hat had way more probably i mean it was great but david come on did your gandhi wear sandals mahatma or david text in 8 12 15. i'm team david gotta say david right uh sarah who works on this show did confess to something of a huge crush on DG before I left. As did Alan, as did Gareth, as did Emily. As did Frank, as did pretty much everyone. No, I was kind of, oh, yeah, he's OK. He showed us a video of an ad-lib. And then I saw him.

Yeah, yeah. I saw him in shorts. Oh, my God! He's all right. Yes! That's how I spoke the whole time when I was with him. Doesn't seem like the real you. No, it really wasn't.

He didn't see the best of me. I think it's best if we're just platonic friends, though. I think I'd feel threatened every time we went out with the women going, ah! Yeah. And that was just me. But we went on the private jet. I just want to start, David.

I don't want you to fall in love with me. I think we should just be friends. Just stop right there. I gave him that speech. Yeah, I can imagine it. He looked a bit nonplussed. I've always given that speech. The eyes of the man.

I mean, steel blue. Steely blue eyes. I'm not even going to go there with the body. Because... Steely and blue blue how cold was it hot in here hot in here isn't it um anyway did you take his shirt off sorry my voice went i'm not going to treat him like a piece of meat yes i am uh no we went on the private jet right i appreciate that's not the most inclusive of anecdotes to start with. But I didn't pay for this. This was a Jaguar.

We were flying out there with Jaguar because David's the ambassador, you see. And he's a racing driver as well. Is he? Yes, I think he's got all his, like, certificates and things. Wow. He knows what he's doing. He could have done Top Gear. Well, he overtook me on a hairpin.

More of which later. But I always worry about private jets because I've only been on one once in my life before. Broken Britain. And when I was last on a private jet, an Oyster card fell out of my bag. They don't take Oyster? They don't take Oyster and they look at you

like you're the worst person in the world if that happens. They don't know what it is. This is something like, our reader's broken. Our Oyster reader's broken. You don't take oyster and they look at you like you're the worst person in the world if that happens. They don't know what it is. This is something like, our reader's broken. Our oyster reader's broken. You don't need that today. There's only one type of oyster on a private jet. It's not, there's not anything to do with London Transport.

But anyway, this is me. Champagne, taste, beer, money. So anyway, we get on and he is... You get on the private jet or you get on with each other? We get on the private jet. And, oh, I think I've got to play a song now. OK. Well, I'm on the edge of my seat. Me too.

Well, so was O.M. Gandhi by the time I finished with him. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, do you want to look know the first thing I said to David Gandhi? Yes. And I think this kind of floored him. I thought, I'm going to come up with one of my best chat-up lines. So we were in the lounge, waiting to take off.

Was he wearing some Marks and Spencer's loungewear that he would, uh, probably has his own name in it. Yeah. Oh no, he's got an underpants range. Oh, I know. Underpants doesn't sound very sexy does it i should say underwear underpants yeah i know i've seen it advertised yeah i've not got anything anyway well i'll see what i can do dave i call him dave now on dave terms if you're listening can you send us some underwear please and for frank because he loves underwear i'd like

it to be worn please and the And the other thing is, Dave, I feel like I'm broadcasting just to you, but the other thing is, Dave, Frank wears snide Calvins from the market with a frayed waistband. Calvin Classics. Calvin Classics. So he could do with some Gandhi, some OMGs.

Me too. Anyway, so we're in the lounge, and I saw him standing there. I thought, I'll go over and make an intro. People are intro people are scared not him i'm gonna go straight over there you know what you know what my opener was my cold opener is there uh hot water in that jug nice nice is that a line that's been used on you before yeah what he said? Is that a line that's been used on you before? Yeah. You know what OMG said? He said, I don't know. And do you know what I said? Immediate chemistry. Yeah. Do you know how I responded? No. Oh my God, that's so funny. So from then on, I knew we were

going to get on famously. you had rapport from the very beginning we that wasn't a pun on the joke but now i realize it's a rather fine joke in retrospect um so oh no i should segue between david's way as well as kayaking. Wow. Oh, my God, you guys. It's not segwayed, it's seg, isn't it? Anyway. Well, before we get to the kayaking, I also had a Frank incident on my travels. Right. Because Jo Elvin was there, who's the editor of Glamour,

one of my friends. And I like Jo because she's very forthright, she's Aussie, and she tells it like it is. And she had a story about frank i'm gonna have to do her accent now because it's an australian accent but that's okay we're okay with doing australian accent it's not offensive or anything is it well it depends on the accent i think i will judge it she said oh um do you work for that frank skinner she doesn't don't make her sound like Kath and Kim.

She's a very sophisticated, elegant, chic woman. How dare you? But she said, oh, I ran into Frank before. I thought, oh, what a showbiz event in London's Glittering London. No.

She said, oh, no, I saw him in heels. I said, oh, did you? The store, the furniture store. All right. She said, Jerry Q jumped, to be honest. I thought, I didn't know he wore heels. heels i said oh did you the store the furniture store all right she said jerry q jumped i thought i thought i didn't know he wore heels that's one of the special days she said he q jumped to be honest he q jumped in heels i said what was he buying she said a bin i thought frank skinner

buying a bin i mean i love him dearly but come on it's not the most you know no people probably doesn't want to be seen buying a bin in the back of the queue. He thought, I need to get out of here. Skinner brand's going downhill if too many people see me buying this bin. Frank denies it. Oh. Never bought a bin. Did he say that story's a load of rubbish?

Oh, Alan. Thank you. Some of your finest work. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. You can text the show this morning on 8, 12, 15. Please do. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or you can email the show by the Absolute Radio website. We've had a text message from someone regarding, we were talking about Prince George meeting Obama. Yes, we were. And they have said, I spotted on social media this morning, that the rocking horse was given to George by Obama when George was born. Oh, that's rather lovely then. So that's why, yeah.

So I think like... Once again, the royal apologist over here. But I think that's... that was from 881 the royalists the royals they're obviously just like normal people and when a visitor is coming they go oh we'd better get that gift out wipe it down with a jaycloth and then pretend that he plays with it all the time that's obviously what's going to happen there do you think in a thanks for this wooden horse because we haven't got any real horses for him to go on. Yeah, that's really great. It's a slightly more highfalutin version of when Frank cracked out the NASA hoodie.

Yeah. When I came round on... Yeah, he loves that, doesn't he? Post-boxing day. Well, he put it on the next day, and that, to me, was true friendship. Not the only sign from him, but one of the most moving for me.

You've been talking... You're going to miss that guy when he's in the TARDIS, aren't you? I'm following him in. He's not getting away from me. So the Queen turned 90. Was it 90 this week? 90th birthday. That's right. I mean, she has two birthdays a year, so she's really only 45, isn't she? Wait, what?

Does she have two birthdays? Doesn't the Queen have two birthdays a year? she's got an official birthday and a and a real birthday oh she's got all sorts love i don't know which one this was but she um there was there was loads of sort of i was going to say incidents but that makes them sound like terrible festivities yeah festivities is the best celebrating our monarch pomp Pomp and ceremony. Yeah. Born to reign over us. What have you two turned into, like strange footmen?

The first was the cake. There was a lot of cake. Nadia from... No, Nadia was from Big Brother. No, I think it is... Nadia or Nadia? Nadia. From Bake Off.

Winner of Bake Off. Off of Bake Off, as I like to say. it is it is nadia or nadia nadia from um bake off she was a winner of bake off off of bake off as i like to say she baked her a cake which i've got to say was absolutely horrible did you get a slice it looked awful it was purple and gold and it looked like wallpaper from a 1970s semi you'd know about that um i didn't like it she might have been told to do it in those colors yeah but you can have the colors but still have a nice cake can't you it's a bit wonky i thought i didn't look like it was leaning slightly but i'm no expert on cake i didn't love it she said that she was a bit under pressure and um and i yeah it's uh it must be quite stressful all right pretty mercury calm down dear like the queen said will it cut

she said to her about it no mom this is one of those non-cutting games what about prince philip said what's inside what do you think's inside it's a lemon drizzled liver i think or an orange drizzle well i think the Queen has had problems in the past cutting a fruitcake that the WI made. Oh, I see. She's very worried about fruitcake. Has she come a Roy Cropper with comments? Yeah, she's, I think, hard icing and then tough fruit, like a rock cake. I mean, nobody can cut a rock cake.

That's why it's called a rock cake, isn't it? But a firm fruitcake is the Queen's fruit tonight. She's no novice when it comes to cake cutting. She's done it before. She didn't even eat it. She didn't eat any of it. You can't eat any of the fruitcake. the queen's she's no novice when it comes to cake cutting she's done it girlfriend you can't eat any of the girlfriends got form do you know that's rude um i tell you what though that knife the ceremonial knife that didn't see the knife what was it like on it was huge big long knife machete did she take a machete to the cake yes is it like is the cake a night now yeah because it's been like you know when she does with the sword on them it was practically it was so long

it was like it was simtar it was one of those things you see on the front of an airport novel it was that sort of a knife i mean i was quite impressed um yeah so we but we need to get onto the photograph. Because there was a photograph of the Queen taken by Annie Leibovitz with all her... Is it great-grandchildren? Yeah, well, there's actually three photographs released in celebration of the Queen's 90th birthday, which, I'm going to be honest, in the digital age, I think is stingy. Three photos. Oh, if I count, you spoil us.

What happened to the other three thousand that you took that day yeah didn't like three photos is breakfast oh god people post three photos well we need to talk about these photos because the children it was i mean where are they buying their clothes 1943 shop in fact qes they look like look like. I think it listed where they bought their clothes. I think one of it was from M&S. Oh, that's where, you know who has an underwear range there? Or underpants, as I like to say. Oh, yes, David

Gandhi, the best looking man in the world. Jealous much? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about when you met the queen yes well it was very exciting so tell us no wonder you're such a royalist yeah no wonder um well i was at school back in my school days um i was going to windsor boys school at the time windsor that makes sense yes so i think that's how they wrangled the booking oh yeah it wasn't it wasn't jonglers when you say the booking um and

there was a new building being opened lovely and um the queen was coming to have a look at it and to open the building she's going to have a look at it like she's got a snagging list. Yeah. Oh, someone could have rubbed that bit back. She's her job. She comes and has a look at things. She's a snagger. Do tell, what was the building? It was sort of like the sixth form building, I think, and there was a new drama studio, which I, um, was, I did drama in that drama studio. Okay, that's a lot of info. uh how was the queen she was quite small

and sort of um gray what was she wearing um clothes it's queenie sort of the sort of thing the queen wears she's wearing an added an adidas tracksuit a full shell suit like elton john actually it was elton john. What was she wearing? This feels like that Michael Parkinson and Meg Ryan interview. I got confused because it was someone queen-y. That's the mistake he's made there.

I can't remember exactly. I was wearing my school uniform. Did you speak to her at all? No. Words didn't pass between us. But, it was on our history lesson oh well she would have been known a lot about that yes um and so we all had to like make a fake newspaper page and draw it out and um she came and had to look round at the stuff

and um i don't want to look around at the stuff like breaking bad she sounded sleazy the the history teacher showed around and yes to be honest and i understand it completely but she didn't seem impressed no she looked at my work she stood at my shoulder and looked at my work oh well that well, that's exciting. Come on. And passed no comment, good or bad. Because it was, like, the British monarchy, and she was just going, oh, that's great granddaddy. She must be related to all of that.

I've done a history of royal assassinations. I don't know if that was... No, but, you know, I understand. She has met JFK, she's met the Beatles, she's met Nelsonelson mandela seeing my weird history sarah harding she's met them all she met sarah harding i'm sure she has i i didn't meet the queen that was a good anecdote wasn't it but i didn't meet her but i was at buckingham palace once at some sort of garden party event and i saw her oh yeah and i was with my goddaughter

who uh betty who was having a sly fag i'm not gonna lie uh she's on the electronic ones now so it's fine i'm sure she won't mind mentioning this and i suddenly saw the queen and we were by these bushes and then i saw the queen walking through the bush towards us near the bushes she was coming out of the bushes. What had the queen been doing in the bushes? Well, no, the difficult thing was I said, Betty the queen. But of course I realised she probably thought I was using some inappropriate nickname for her.

I wasn't. Can I just say I'd like to apologise? She might have been in the bushes looking for a corgi or a doggy. Look, what she was doing in those bushes is her business and remains her business. I don't want to get business and remains her business. I don't want to get all up in her business. I'm fine with not doing it.

She's very good with people, the Queen. I'll just read this. She met up with the town crier, Tony Appleton, and he had been the one who'd announced the births of Prince George and Charlotte, which is nice. So he said, when he met, and he met the Queen in Windsor, and he said, I said to Her Majesty, I introduced your two great-grandchildren to the world, he said. And she laughed and said, oh, did you?

And that's the way she has with people. Can't buy that kind of communication. It's better than my lines on David's Candy. We should say, I would like to know if any of our loyal readers have had any royal encounters. Yes, kiss and tell stories. They're not kiss and tell stories. We haven't got the pockets for those kind of lawsuits. Can you text us in on 8-12-15?

Because we'd love to know. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about the Queen on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about the Queen on Absolute Radio this morning. Well, specifically royal encounters we're discussing, aren't we? Yes, Ronan in Reading on 908 has said, during a visit to Oman where my dad worked in the embassy, the Queen was introduced to all the families along the line.

My little sister was caught on camera picking her nose in one shot and then shaking Her Majesty's hand in the other Another reason for always wearing gloves I like that child That's true I don't know if it is though I hope it is though I think that child's a bit of a little

I don't mean in a mean way I just think, you know, I'd like to believe people are honest Are you calling the listeners liars, Alan? I think that little girl was a bit of a Corbynista waiting to happen I'll tell you who's an honest listener. 631 sent us a blank text, and then a few moments later sent us a text saying, I sent a blank text. So hats off to 631.

That's 631's version of I carried a watermelon. And Samuel Wilson has said, Prince Harry gave me a Mars bar. Seriously. So that's cool. That's a... I like that. That sounds like a News of the World headline back in the day. I like a humdrum version of a religious encounter.

Yes. Of a royal encounter. That'll be how you are knighted in the future. When Harry... You know, when William and Harry are knighting people, they'll just give you a Mars bar. That'd be good. 354 says,

I have a kiss and tell story. When I saw the Queen, Jean Sim... I'm, I have a kiss and tell story. When I saw the Queen, Jean Simmer... I'm going to stop this kiss and tell story. Tony Wogan were there. Oh, that's nice. Kiss and tell, kiss and chat show, you see. Oh, I see. It's not nice.

It's a silly joke. It's a silly joke, no more. But you know what? This is Absolute Radio, and it's the home of the silly joke. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So, I mean, Emily, you've been, you know, playing the big gun, So, I mean, Emily, you've been, you know, playing the big gun, talking about going to Montenegro with David Gandy. But you're not the only one having travels at the moment, Em. Oh, why? That's all I want to say. Where have you been?

Last weekend, well, Laura and I went to Newcastle. Oh, how was it? It was good. It was for gigs, so, you know, but it was the end of Laura's... Oh, was he doing a benefit, Ryan Giggs? Is he hard up? No. Please give generously. Like comedy gigs. You've misunderstood.

Okay. In your role as a stand-up comedian. In the role, yeah. Do you know, Gareth got quite firm with me and I found it rather erotic. It was more erotic than O.M. Gandhi coming out of the sea. Wow. Anyway, continue. Well, Laura drove because when we're in the car together,

she has to drive because she gets very car sick. Oh, really? And controlling. Oh, right. It doesn't work if we have massive rows if I drive. But then the thing about that... Save that for your relationship counselor, maybe. I'm used to driving, so if I doze off, I wake up in a terrible panic.

Oh, yeah. Have you had that? I've had that as passenger, falling asleep and then waking up worried. It's horrible. Because we're so used to being the driver all the time. I've had that recently. I think it shows you... And falling asleep when you're driving is very bad, isn't it?

That is one of the things that they consider bad, yeah. I think that shows you both in a wonderful light oh but you're responsible men who take responsibility for the other people yeah so you're in the car in newcastle yeah so we're at newcastle now you got there we got there i was just worried things might go off to a service station and we might spend some time there and no marks and spencer's yeah let's cut to the chase we did go to a service station and we might spend some time there. No, Marks and Spencer's. Let's cut to the chase. We did go to a Marks and Spencer's. I hadn't written that down, but if you want to hear about that.

Did you pick up some underpants? No, it's mainly chicken and salads that they're into. The Marks and Spencer's is simply food. Yes. Very good. I think we got some school shorts for Ethan. Oh, lovely.

And, but I... Of the motorway service station. That's rather cruel. I embarrassed myself in a Japanese restaurant because I ordered green tea. Hang on, where are we here? Are we on the motorway still? No, we're at Newcastle now.

Okay. We've been to Marks and Spencer's in Newcastle. Did you buy the shorts? Which was good. They had... Marks and Spencer's have an Alexa Chung range at the moment, Emily. I know, and I love it. I absolutely love Chung. And what she's done, she's gone back through the archive of...

She's gone back through the archive? They call it the archive at Marks and Spencer's. There's a cave full of all the stuff they used to sell. It's like a man cave, except it's an archive. It's a play on words. The Alexa range. Yeah, they basically, it's oldie, oldie, worldie Marks and Spencers stuff that Alexa Chung might wear.

That sounds good. There's a trench, there's, oh, there's all sorts. It's really oldie, worldie. They built a World War I trench in Marks and Spencers. Sounds good. And it's all that sort of vibe of warfare. And they've got nylons and cigarettes. Yes.

No, it's a... I love... We had a discussion about whether anyone other than Alexa Chung might wear those clothes. What do you think? Yeah, I would. You're the fashion expert. I would too. Not giving you the comedy chops you want here, am I?

So what happened then at the Japanese restaurant? Well, there was something floating in my green tea bits in it and i picked it out and it was a piece of rice oh in fairness well in rome yeah and so i was like oh no i'm gonna have to i'm sorry about this i can't drink it's got rice floating in it in it. I think you're about to complain. And this might be the greatest anecdote I've ever heard. So we're going to have to leave things there. But sorry to leave you on tenterhooks.

We'll be back in a minute. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth. Yeah, so I'm in Newcastle in a Japanese restaurant and I've ordered green tea and there's some... and there's rice floating in it. See, I think that...

I already feel like I can guess an explanation here because it comes in tiny cups, doesn't it? Yes, what the green tea does. Isn't that sake? No, green tea comes in a little. No, I'm being sincere. I'm not being sarcastic. I think maybe they put the grain of rice in there

so that they can use the small cups, because otherwise, like, rice is quite absorbent, isn't it? Well, that's what you're meant to use for the mobile phone going down the toilet. That's right. A little life hack for any of our readers, if your phone goes down the toilet. So you're saying they put rice in to stop the inside of a cup.

I don't think they should put rice in. Rice and more poison here. A cup to stop it getting damp. Too full. Anyway, no, so I thought I'm going to have to complain about this and there was two ladies working in there and so I summoned up the carriage and I said

Was it just two ladies working in there? I think there were other people in the kitchen making the food. Okay. I didn't investigate. Front of house, There was two ladies. There was a dumb waiter. Like, I mean, an actual... That's how they got because the kitchen was upstairs.

The kitchen was upstairs. He was just quiet. That's what I mean. And, um... We just did a dumb waiter joke. I know we did. I know. Um, and... We're the first people for about 57 years. In fairness. I said, excuse said excuse me um there's something floating in my green tea could i remember what you've just done a dumb waiter joke and now you're

gonna say the waiter there's a fly in my suit rice rice in my and she said no it's green tea that's part of it it's roasted rice roasted rice it goes in green tea, that's part of it. It's roasted rice. Roasted rice, it goes in green tea. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! She sounds like me with David Gandy. Yeah, she was. Oh, so it was part of it. It was a laugh of disdain. She should have put, I think,

that is unusual enough. I've never had that. I've had enough green tea in my time. So she was suggesting you were ignorant about foodstuffs. Yes. Part of the deal. I am very thoughtful about foodstuff.

Is that one of your rules? No, that's one of Will.i.am's strange identities. so at the gig right in newcastle stand and we're back at the gig yes i had a very so was the japanese meal in newcastle yeah that was in newcastle okay okay um i was doing the gig right see what you think about this were you doing the gig right though i was doing the gig wrong i was doing it right okay good and um i say i do a joke about my children so i've got two children and then a guy in the front row shouts out ethan wow that's your child's actual name that's my child's actual name now i understand the situation that that was someone who is a... He must have seen me before.

I assume he must have seen me before. Or maybe he listens to this show. Now, it turns out he is a listener. He is a listener who has already tweeted in today, by the way. He's tweeted us? But as ways of letting someone know that you are aware of them and aware of their work, I think shouting out their children's names

is a fairly chilling one. Yeah. Just to let listeners know, if you want to let us know that you know of us and approve, research, like, relatives, like, don't, you know... Yeah. And we were, you know me and laura were away for the weekend ethan he's in the van our children with their grandparents this is an extraordinary

story we are going to have to go to the news and let's hope you're not on it gary back soon you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio this is the Frank Skinner radio show he's not here this week I'm awfully sorry but I'm afraid he's otherwise engaged you can text the show though

on 81215 oh by the way I should introduce myself my name is Emily Dean and sitting with me this week are Gareth Richards and Alan Cochran. Do you like how formal that was? I like sitting with me. Did I say sitting? I love sitting with me.

It's very funny. My cohorts slash co-hosts. You can also follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We sort of have a text in this morning. Well, I mean, if i may give people a little soup song of the sort of text that we're getting 787 has just texted um david gandhi and that's the level of communication that we are garnering here well 787 you haven't seen him in a kayak yet yeah is that a special pair of shorts that he had. Yeah. And 135 has texted,

I had a drink with Prince Philip. We've got a Have You Met A Royal text running, haven't we? Who's that? 175? 135 has texted, I had a drink with Prince Philip at the bar of the National Mountaineering Centre, North Wales. That's so Prince Andrew. The centre director and me. Only HRH had a tomato juice.

Oh, did he? And that's from Alex from Forestdale. Tomato juice, a weird drink to drink. Bloody Mary, maybe. Hey. The royal theme. Are we allowed to say that on? OK, fine.

It's a drink. It's a drink. I was genuinely worried when I said that. I'm worried too. We've got a sort of another text. Well, we haven't, but we are convinced if you're, maybe you've been out last night, you're a bit hungover, you've been celebrating something or other. Mm-hmm.

You may have missed earlier this morning, we revealed that Frank Skinner will be the new Doctor Who companion. Okay? According to rumours on the internet. According to one man with an egg avatar on Twitter. It's funny that Gareth and I are so square that we can't quite bear it if you leave that hanging out there without trying to harness it back to the truth.

Square slash professional. I feel immediately uncomfortable about making an announcement like that without somehow tethering it in reality. You're absolutely right, Cockrell. And, of course, he is not officially the Doctor Who companion. I'm just saying... As far as we know. No, but let's...

Can we just re-examine the evidence this morning? The evidence, Alan Cochran. Frank's off. OK. Gareth? And there's going to be announcement of the new assistant for Doctor Who, apparently during the football this evening. I was hoping for something more specific, but yes, you're right.

The football, Alan. He's had his teeth whitened. Yeah. I mean, to me, that is the surest sign. Yeah. He said that he liked the second series of Broadchurch. Well, that clinches it. The writer for Broadchurch is the person writing Doctor Who now. When the writer from Broadchurch didn't like the second series of Broadchurch.

I mean, what the hell is going on here? Even he's just got the first series on his CV. But if he is involved in some way, well, I don't know. Well... I mean, we'll find out when Gary Lineker announces it. People are going to be sitting down to watch the FA Cup semi-final thinking, oh, I wonder who's the new Doctor Who assistant. They're not even going to be watching it for the result of the football match. But anyway.

You say people are going to be sitting down. We're all going to be sitting down. We're all going to be texting. Our WhatsApp group's going to be going wild. The Frank Skinner WhatsApp group. Me and David curled up in our little slippers on the sofa. I said, do you want a cup of tea, Em? Who's this, David Baddiel? No! I think it's David Gandy again. Again!

Me and Gandy. I've got mentionitis. Oh, haven't you? I've got to get that scene to. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. So our textings this morning, we know what they are. It is Royal Encounters. We'd like to know about your Royal Encounters. Thank you, readers. And also, if, in the unlikely event that Frank Skinner isn't the new Doctor Who companion, who would you like to be?

Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Why don't we ask them that? I mean, I only just thought of it, but I think it's a good... Because I would go Nick Knowles. I liked your shout for Robbie Savage. I would enjoy that. Yes. But Nick Knowles could do with the work.

I don't know, I just feel he could. Yeah, Savage is getting quite a lot, isn't he? He could redecorate the TARDIS. He would enjoy that. Yes. But Nick Knowles could do with the work. I don't know, I just feel he could. Yeah, Savage is getting quite a lot, isn't he? He could redecorate the TARDIS. He would look lovely. I like Nick Knowles. He's great. What about the guy off Grand Designs? What's his name?

Um, I don't know, but he talks a bit like this. Doesn't sound like that. You know that other guy? Oh, is he called Kevin, Daisy? Yeah. Kevin McLeod. He'd be good, wouldn't he? There can be only one.

He'd be good in the TARDIS, going, I really like what you've done in here. It looks so small from the outside, but it's really big in here. It's like a TARDIS. I've got an idea for the new companion. Well, you know what I'm going to say. Emily Dean.

David Gandy. David Gandy. But they could play that sort of old spice type music when he every time he comes in because when you see dandy you do feel like that he should be accompanied by an orchestra at all times same age as me did you know that david gandhi's 36 exactly the same as me just comparing you two. Do you think I look older or younger than David Gandhi? Do you think

different species or? Shall I change the subject? Yeah, let's change the subject. Alan? I don't normally get drawn into the world of virals, guys. It's not really my thing. Not since you got married. You're a viral refusenik. Not since I got the cream.

Oh, God. I have watched the... Absolutely disgusting. I have watched the Johnny Depp apology video... Yes! ...rather a few times. Did you see this, Gareth? Yes, I did see that.

I mean, I'd go so far as to say it's my favourite film of recent months. In case anyone missed it. Certainly, that's how Johnny Depp in. Yeah. He's not in very good films. Can we talk about this? Anymore, he's not in very good films. Well, he never has been, really.

What's he been in? 21 Jump Street and that Tim Burton thing with eyeliner. Has he been in 21 Jump Street? Yeah, that's good. He was in the original series. That wasn't a film. Oh, was it? But what's he done other than eyeliner films with Tim Burton?

Oh, he does a lot of eyeliner films. timber oh there's a lot of eyeliner films what other ones a lot of eyeliner in fact this apology video if you know any good films johnny depp there was one recently where he was playing a man who isn't as attractive as johnny depp oh where it was like you know he was sort of like a gangster and he was bald oh i don't know that one he um he looks like a gangster in this apology video. So he was apologising, we should say, to the Australian government, wasn't he? Because he brought his pet dogs, Pistol and Boo, nice names, what do you call a dog after a weapon? Horrible. Yeah. Into Australia and they have very strict quarantine laws. that signed a document incorrectly. She said that she was tired and, you know, made bad decisions.

She made a bad decision through tiredness. Yes. So they smuggled the dog in. Beautiful irony, I thought. It said in the paper that he was there filming the last of the Pirates films and I thought, he was filming a Pirates film and he got done for smuggling. Brilliant. When art reflects life and life reflects art, absolutely great.

I enjoyed that he was extraordinary in that video oh i shiver me timbers all these dogs don't have the right papers but we're gonna take them into the country anyway ah yo ho ho yeah he's got a he's got a mafia look about him and a mafia voice and they're really disinterested, I mean, I can do disinterested, but he really... He says, when you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly. Oh, that's because a guy told him that he was going to destroy the dogs, and an Australian politician said, they'd better get out soon or I'm going to destroy them. Aussies don't mess about, do they?

No. They're plain speaking people, and I like that. It just went very, my associates would like to speak to you i i thought it was actually sinister i thought and i noticed he had a leather pendant around his neck oh always in your 50s love it's all going to be richard hammond i think that's holding in a jew lap though in it he's uh he's probably got that baggy throat thing happening it's like a halter neck just keeping some stuff in there, isn't it? Did you think... I mean, I think they're a nice couple, a very handsome couple.

I've never heard of Heard until now. I've never heard of Heard. It means when you hear something in the past. No, no. But Amber Heard, his wife, I've never heard of her. Oh. I know. It's got Heard. The thing that I love most about it,

it was a bit like when a kid is forced to apologise for something and says, sorry. Yeah. And doesn't mean it in the slightest. I didn't buy the apology. No, there's something they did very wrong about the apology. That is, they made it like... Well, should we...

Do you want to hold fire on this? I'll tell you after the... Hold your high horses. It's not a song, but FYI. Well, you'll find out in a minute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what, the switchboard has lit up.

Has it? The switchboard has lit up since we slightly... I mean, did we slightly criticise Johnny Depp's acting oeuvre? No. I think we did. We didn't say he was a bad actor. I suppose we just were questioning how many really decent films he'd been in. Well, 475.

Seems like he's doing movies for the money recently. 475, Lee in Rugby has said, Johnny Depp has done lots of awesome films without eyeliner or timber and blow black mass once upon a time in Mexico, fear and loathing in Las Vegas, Sleepy Hollow, to name a few. Bit of a silly comment on such a talented actor. You're right, Lee,

and I think you're taking this exactly as seriously as it deserves. You know what, Lee? Black mass is the one where he's bald and dresses up like an ugly man. Yeah, I mean, in that list can i just say i didn't i don't remember pete bradshaw reviewing it like that in the guardian the one where he's bald and dresses up like an ugly man also fyi that's not going to endear us to leave from rugby who's already quite angry with us leave from rugby i'd like to apologize you know why i could be facetious here but i know what it's like when you hero worship someone, oh, I'm Gandhi, and people criticise their work in any way,

and I respect you, so I'm sorry for that. Although he does wear eyeliner, come on. But you're right, he has been in good films. What was that film, Donnie Brasco? That wasn't that bad. This is what we should do. We should apologise in the style of Johnny Depp. Oh, yes, OK.

Which is, like, because he's tired, his apologies... OK, Gareth, let's all do our Johnny Depps, Gareth. Yeah, so... So, this is apologising for me for criticising Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp is one of the greatest actors that the world has ever known. He is good at pretending to be other people and people should watch his acting and enjoy it very much

thank you johnny he is a great actor and his acting is really good i don't remember johnny going on this much the reason why people don't criticize him is because he's really good at acting okay thanks johnny when i said what I said about Johnny... Johnny, we're done here. The joy of Johnny and Amber's video is that between the two of them, they only apologised for 38 seconds. They didn't really manage that much. And that was for

a crime. This was just for a joke on a radio show. I think they should have had orange boiler suits on. It would have driven home the message more. You know, what I also think is at the end when they finish it al he just says thank you and then looks really awkward and looks to camera i don't believe him yeah i think there should have been a clapperboard coming cut like because they're used to that they must have had a clapperboard lying around from one of those films um there is counterbalance to this by the way uh sophie

longtime reader has said, yes, that film where Johnny plays an Irish gangster is called Black Mass. It looks like the best film he's done, because, let's face it, he's not a very versatile actor, is he? Even Fear and Loathing, potentially a good film, he mumbles all the way through. In What's Eating Gilbert Grape, it's saved by Leonardo. And, yes, the leather thong in his 50s, shudder. I think

she's going to have to issue an apology. Maybe we've been all duly harsh on him. I'm quite good at apologising, I think. I think I'm alright. What I do is... Oh, really? Can you teach me how? Yeah, I just look at the person and I go, I'm really sorry about that thing. And I mean it. Do you know what I do? That's my life hack for you all out there.

You don't do that terrible I'm sorry that you feel that way. No, that's the worst. Oh, oh no i'm sorry if i upset you someone's been on the receiving end i'm sorry for upsetting you i'm sorry if you are so feeble and sensitive do you know what i say gareth often to people on the end of the telephone when i'm trying to sort out admin, life admin, I say, oh, I'm so sorry, I obviously haven't been clear enough, let me start again. How do you feel about that?

It's a touchingly sincere apology for them being an idiot. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're not abusing Johnny Depp anymore because we've done that and we've apologised for it and we've moved on. Johnny Depp is an excellent actor who I respect

and his work in acting has... It has to be protected. It must be protected. His reputation has to be protected. Just apologise protected however just apologize quickly don't do a lecture about it just say sorry we tried to sneak the dogs in we shouldn't have done that sorry we got caught sorry about that we will recap on our other spinning plate of a texting which is have you ever met a royal um gareth of course has uh has met friends with the queen i saw the queen in the bushes you saw in the bushes but you know what I mean.

Natalie has texted, I served with Prince Harry in Afghanistan. Oh, OK, Natalie, that's impressive. That's a top trump in it so far. You win. And then we've got 042 has texted, when I was eight, the Queen came to my St John's Ambulance after school club to celebrate its 50th anniversary. We all lined up and got told only to address her if she addressed us. So when she told me I looked smart, I thought I had to respond,

and all I could come up with to say was, you do too, ma'am. Oh, that's rather nice. That's polite. I like that. That's nice. I love a St John's ambulance anecdote. Yeah, they're... They're one of my favourite emergency services. Are they? I love them.

That's nice. Suggestions for new doctor who assistant we're also spinning that plate um catherine hepburn because he's the time lord so he can have anyone in time good point yeah so it's still quite a strange choice if i'm honest and widdicombe no that's from kevin stringer Absolutely no explanation of that at all. Kathy Burke. Oh, Kathy Burke would be great. She'd be excellent. She'd do more acting, shouldn't she? Yeah.

I love Kathy Burke. And someone's emailed saying, picking up on Kevin MacLeod, surely George Clark for his amazing small spaces. Oh, okay. You know George Clark from Channel 4? Yeah, that guy. Oh, it's great in here. It's really small. Yeah. That's what he'd be like. Well, all of these would be good. All of these would be Oh, it's great in here, it's really small. Yeah. That's what

he'd be like. Well, all of these would be good. All of these would be good, but you know who my favourite would be? Frank Skinner. Yes. Yes. That's good. Oh, please let it happen. I'll do anything. Which we have announced today is definitely the Doctor Who assistant. It's not happening. We're gonna get in real trouble, aren't we? Yeah, I know. But he could be this. What about Obama? He'd be a good assistant. Do you know what? We still believe. What about President Obama? It could happen. Yes, we can. He's, uh- That's not gonna be. There's more chance of the big fat hairy bikers. They'd be good as well. They know

where they're going. No, they wouldn't. They could cook as well in the TARDIS. Oh, that's true. Do you want a stew? Something like that? I just- I just think there's one man for the job and we all know who he is And his teeth are looking surprisingly white right now Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio

Have you heard about a new restaurant That is opening It's a pop-up restaurant I think in London I hate pop-up restaurants I hate pop-up shops Tell me why Do you like I hate pop-up shops. Tell me why. I've got a really weird thing about pop-up. Pop-up books?

I don't mind pop-up books. Pop-up books I'm totally fine with, but I think they should be pop-up and everything else should just be, you know, real. What about if someone pops up to see you? Don't like that? Yeah, that's a pop-in, I think. I'm all right with a pop-in,

but even then, depending on who it is. Yeah. You don't strike me as a sort of person that would like an impromptu unscheduled visit. Do I mind? I just feel nervous of ringing the bell. Depends on guest. Okay. Depends on the guest.

Well, I don't know whether this pop-up restaurant will be your cup of tea for a number of reasons, Adam. Is it a tea shop? I don't know. Is it just a pure coffee shop? It's going to be called Bonyardi, and it's... Oh, yes, I know about this. It's naked. You can be naked. It's a pure coffee shop. It's going to be called Bognardi and it's... Oh yes, I know about this. It's naked. You can be naked. It's naked. The dress code is naked. Well, so you go... That really is a pop-up restaurant. Let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a few I'd like to go there with. Yes. OMG. They're going to have to have

very unattractive staff in that restaurant, aren't they? I mean, that is going to be a problem, isn't it? I mean, that is going to be a problem. I mean, if you got a job there, how embarrassing. Yeah. I was considered unattractive enough to get a job at Banyardi. Is it called Banyardi? Yes.

Hang on, it's a restaurant where you go for lunch with no clothes on. Are you sure it's not an anxiety dream? That sounds like... Oh, and they get given robes. Like a sort of pre-operative gown. There's lockers where you can get changed. Oh, you seem to know an awful lot about it. I've researched it.

And then they give you a robe. And then when you get to your table, you can then take your robe off. So you don't have to walk around jangling about. Right. It's just like when you're at your table and it's got a lot of piercings you probably should have mentioned that that's what he means by the jangling about i just it's not appropriate what if there was what if there was an accident with some hot fat well it's the the food is going to be describing an attractive but portly person

by the way i'm just saying with genuine hot fat on extremities. It would definitely make a difference to what you order, wouldn't it? Like, I wouldn't order, like, a ramen soup in case I burned my chest, like, with a little drop or something. I wouldn't order anything. I wouldn't want someone to see my stomach getting bigger as the meal progressed. I mean, I just think it'll be candlelit, no doubt. It is candles. There's a lot of naked flames. I'm worried about all the naked flames.

There's a grill, there's candles. I've had a lot of naked flames in my time. I'm not going to be leaning over the table, let's put it that way, with those candles. And my problem is with, like, when I order something, I'm always looking at what everyone else has got. Do you know what i mean i always feel like everyone else is getting a bigger portion than me and it's not gonna be good for people

with that psychology i don't think people are getting a bigger portion than you i used to think that and then i met gandhi absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What were we talking about? Because I was really loving it. Oh, the naked restaurant. Ian Angel has said, how come they haven't called it naked lunch? You know, as in the book, I guess. Yes.

Well, that's a good point, Ian Angel. But then, you know, not everyone spends their whole life... Punning. Quite. Although that is what I called this talking about this idea when I came up with it, naked lunch. I don't think men... I mean, how can I put this delicately? Stop doing all the puns, Gareth.

No, I was talking about the naked restaurant. Oh, right. I think men get the better deal, if you know what I mean. I think women do look better in those situations. Oh, right, I see. What I'm saying, yeah, I think we, I think men get the better deal, if you know what I mean. Oh, I don't agree. I think women do look better in those situations. Oh, right, I see. Women get the better deal. What I'm saying, yeah, I think we look better naked. And it's definitely...

Me, Sarah and Daisy, specifically. It's definitely more hazardous to eat out Sons clothes for the gentlemen. Like, it's definitely more of a... I just don't want to see those old hairy Shire horse legs. I'm sorry. It's not conducive. I'm so glad that's what you said i was really worried that that was going to different also well we could do naked radio

oh frank would be furious is this are we still broadcasting or is this a game of spin the bottle or something what's happened here i just feel if i'm going to strip off i want to be paid that is a rule that i have lived my life by. I mean, don't you think that's fair enough? And I don't think it's a bad one, Emily. I'm going to charge. Go, girl. Go, girl.

This is... Well, you had girl power and this is what it's led to. Am I right? Well, no, I'm not saying I want to. I'm just saying I'd rather get some cash for my trouble. Have we accidentally booked the Emily Dean from Babe Station today? Is that what's happened? There is one, isn't there? Would you go, Gareth? Um, no. I'd rather get some cash for my trouble. Have we accidentally booked the Emily Dean from Babe Station today? Is that what's happened?

There is one, isn't there? Would you go, Gareth? Um, no. I don't like being naked. Okay. In front of other people. Okay. Alan?

I'm not hungry. No, I'd go. I'd be in there like a shot. So are you okay with nudity, Alan? Like changing rooms, et cetera. Are you one of those people who... No. Hang on, there's a naked changing rooms. I've never seen that episode.

No, I don't know. I probably wouldn't go. OK. Well, OK, so I can exclusively reveal none of us will be available at Banyardi. However, do talk to my agent regarding the other naked appearance. I will need cash monies though. Listen, before

we go today, I should actually congratulate a couple of members of our absolute fraternity. Richie Firth, who's getting married today. Good luck and congrats you're well done. Best of. Yes. And someone, what are they going to play at the wedding? There's always a guarantee. There's always a bit of a

chakran, isn't there? They'll have planned all that out. In fact, I dare say they've talked about it on the breakfast show.han isn't there oh they'll have planned all that out in fact i dare say they've talked about those contributions they'll have planned all that out thank you um and jet the lovely jeff lloyd had a baby boy which is very exciting a little absolute baby i bet he's not wearing a bathrobe when he meets the controller uh it's been so nice having you this morning our lovely readers thank you alan thank you gareth thank you me thank you david gandy, for existing. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning

from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.