The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Paid For

Episode Date: December 16, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the last live show of the year! Frank talks sledging and Snowman building and in other news the team discuss the Lenny Kravtiz trouser split from 2015, David Beckham's career and excessive behaviour!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show, just, you know, about anything on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What we should have, of course, if this was a proper radio show, is that we'd have a fabulous yuletide texting. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah. Well, someone has sort of kick-started one. You know I do my Friday night trawl. I'm not putting any money in. I look back through the emails that we've received yesterday. Oh, we know about your Friday night trawl. Well, at 10pm last night, pretty much, someone's emailed whatever happened to,

we have a whatever happened to feature, for anybody that hasn't heard this show before, Ungulls and Gaffs. Used to be a festive stocking filler staple. Is it not anymore? I don't know. The internet's killed it. 688 says, time for Frank to bring it back on the Netflix.

Oh, yeah. I don't even have Netflixflix let alone work on it you probably would if you worked on it though i might get a hot stick oh yeah oh if i sit any closer to that fire we've also had a tweet in from bob who says morning frank emily and al morning morning frank emily Morning, Frank Emery. Oh, not that bob. Thanks for playing my song. Not that bob. Here, great to hear my tunes. We've got any here, street news. Whatever happened to balancing a stack of coins on your elbow and in one swift downward movement snatching them in your hand?

I still do that. Do you? Can I say I'm pretty good at it? Oh, that's quite good. You can. Can you do it? I haven't done it for years, but I say I'm pretty good at it? Oh, that's quite good. You can. Can you do it? I haven't done it for years, but I bet I could, yeah. If we had a few coins, you know, we could do it.

I mean, on air, it's less good on a radio show. I mean, I can't do it. You basically hear a bit of caught, and you hear a kik as they're caught. So, can't do it on the radio. But no, it's that I'm hoping. I mean, I don't know, if you're sitting around doing your Snapchat, you probably don't have those sort of pub games anymore. True. No.

We had a long, elaborate game where you'd take, you know the sort of tissue paper that's on the inside of a cigarette package? Oh, yes. You peel it off the back of the silver paper and then you stretch it over a glass so it covers the top of the glass.

And then you put a penny in the middle. And you have to burn bits of it off with a cigarette. And it's the one. It's like a plonk. It's the one who goes too far and the penny drops in the glass. It's a lovely 70s game. It is. Obviously, the smoking ban has knocked a hole in it.

Nevertheless. So, anyway, what's the strangest thing you've seen on a Christmas tree? 8, 12, 15. Yeah, that's what they want. What's the strangest thing you've seen on a Christmas tree? Well, I would say it's the yellow marigold glove at the top of the Absolute Radio Christmas tree. Yes, there is one in the studio. And it has, I mean, I'm not even going to comment, but one of the fingers is positioned in a way

that I don't thoroughly approve of. It's giving the bird, is that what they call it? Yes. Yeah. It's a face on a marigold glove and it's been put on so it's giving the bird in a rebellious, alternative culture kind of a way. I saw on the internet this week,

I think it was the internet, or maybe it was a sitcom. I don't know. I'm at that age where I don't know my sources anymore. You just said you saw internet this week, I think it was the internet, or maybe it was a sitcom. I don't know. I'm at that age where I don't know my sources anymore. You just said you saw something this week. Somebody had put a bottle of fairy washing up liquid on the top of the tree as the fairy on the top of the tree. Oh, I see.

Some sort of elaborate pun. Oh, I think I saw that. I think it was on the internet. Yeah, on the internet. Good. Such a fine line. Fair play. It took a while for someone to come up with that.

It has, hasn't it? I think that was the first thing I thought. That's been around for a while. It should have happened sooner than now. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I'd thought of that. I've just got a big lovely...

I don't know if I told you about it, Tom. Me and Kath went to buy a... Kath is my partner, in case you're new to the show. We went to buy a Christmas tree, and I said to buy a... Kath is my partner, in case you're new to the show. We went to buy a Christmas tree, and I said to the bloke, are you supposed to water these trees? You know, there's this thing you put water in the container. Oh, in the base?

He said, I don't know. And I said, well, we've been having a bit of an argument about it. He said, I don't want to get involved in that. In a really sudden, frightening way. Also, I suggest you find out. I mean, you can't just say I don't know if you're selling these things. I'm surprised they don't have wildlife on

Christmas trees. You know, little robins and things. Not hanging, sitting. Alright. You know, perched. Oh. Taxidermy. Everything's dangling. Nothing's perched? No. Oh. No. No ones. Taxidermy. That's what he means. Everything's dangling, nothing's perched. Yeah.

We're still talking about Christmas. I wouldn't mind a T-shirt with that on. You know when people say you're wearing a Christmas jumper? You could have a Christmas jumper that said everything's dangling, nothing's perched. It's also quite a good comment on getting a bit older. Absolute, absolute radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If you'll remember, we went to see Ross Noble

in Young Frankenstein last week. And it's at the Garrick Theatre, named after the 18th century actor David Garrick who I think I name checked last week that's something that Samuel Johnson forgivable name dropping in fairness yeah so there's a there's a large portrait of Garrick in the in the foyer and with his arm around a statue of Shakespeare sort a sort of bust of Shakespeare, which kind of makes sense because he was one of the great Shakespearean actors of his age. But it did remind me of a picture I had taken in Louisville, Kentucky,

of me at the grave of Colonel Sanders, KFC fame, with my arm around the bust. Yeah. And so it's one of the few busts you can put your arm around in this current climate

good point and so I think we should post those two pictures yeah we're on it

in a sort of a things are working on it now in a sort of a we know about the social media kind of a way the way when you know when the social media kind of a way.

You know when the BBC say things like we're going to have a programme that features things from the social media? Yeah. As if they're trying to say we're not just the archers. So we're doing that. We're in touch. That's what I'm saying. We're current.

I must say, I've seen you after several days out during the time we've worked on this show. You do a lot of cultural stuff, but I don't think I've ever seen you after several days out during the time we've worked on this show. You do a lot of cultural stuff, but I don't think I've ever seen you look quite so happy as when you'd been to Colonel Sanders' grave. No, it was... Oh, you loved that, Frank. We go way back.

Yeah. People are sending images in. It's the queen of the fast foods, would you say? We've all got our favourites, but for me... Wow, that's fighting talk. Yeah. I don't know, Al. Would you agree with that?

No, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm prepared to say that. I like that. When I offered the High Commissioner Sri Lanka cashew nuts, I'm not sure. How about fish and chips? Well, I'm not casting that as a fast food.

Oh. Really? Okay. Do you go to a place where they say things like... It takes ages. Oh, there'll be a wait for chips. Is it one of those places? You do get those places.

Wait for feasts sometimes. Yeah. I'll just put one in. Oh. I don't want to know about your business. You don't want the cooking. Sorry, what are you saying? I'm just saying we've had people are sending in

perched images oh don't panic perched on the tree don't panic yeah it's on the tree so someone has a rather lovely

white glittery dove oh with a sort of marabou trim on it what's marabou perched on the tree have you ever seen

those white yes a sort of faux fur a A fur-trimmed dog. Yes. Yeah. Wow. And there's a pipe cleaner snake on the top of someone's Xmas tree as well. There you go.

We've got all sorts this morning. Someone else has got a hand grenade on the top of their Christmas tree. Really? Yep. We are the SO15 bomb disposal unit they are in brackets I'm glad that I got to see the funny side yeah

what's their pin number? it snowed on Sunday in our actually in our road my child is five and a half he's only had two snowy days in his entire life. Oh. It doesn't sell much in London.

I don't know why. It's too expensive. And we had some what I might call cold play. What? Cold play. We went out and played in the... Oh, yeah. And I assume that's what they're named after, is it?

What are they named after, Sarah? You're young and you're having a day off. Have a think about that. Get her a paper, some paper and a crayon. Put that out. Yeah, so we took the sledge out. Oh, lovely. But it didn't make me think.

I love sledging. It's such a joyedge out. Oh, lovely. But it didn't make me think. I love sledging. It's such a joyous activity. Really? Yeah. Oh, I absolutely loathe it. Oh, no. I'm sorry, Frank. I don't want this to be a friendship deal breaker,

but can I ask you about sledging? Yeah. What frightens me is the luge, because I think, do you go down on it head first? No. Oh, okay, that's what I've gone wrong. There are people doing that, but I mean, they're just showing off. Okay.

Yeah. So you sit... If I was like 20 and going out with a young woman, I'd probably do that to show her how crazy I was. Can I ask you a question, re-sledging? Where do you hope to end up? The bottom of the hill, generally. But in what condition or manner? I mean, how do you hope to end up? The bottom of the hill, generally. But in what condition or manner?

I mean, how do you stop yourself? What will happen to your clothes? I keep going until gravity stops me. That's my general, that's been my method for many years. You seem to have taken your thoughts on sledging and turned yourself into a careers advisor. Yeah. Where do you hope to end up and what are you going to be wearing?

I mean, I don't see... It's funny you should ask that because Buzz is a great fan of the overturned, the accident he finds hilarious. And I could tell he was deliberate. At times he was leaning right across trying to, sort of like motorbike and sidecar fashion, trying to take us over.

Yeah, I see. But no, it made me think I'd like to do it all the year round. But what we need, one of the great disappointments of my life has been the way the hover, the world of hover has never... I mean, I've said before, we were promised a hover car 40 years ago. But the Hover

sled, surely they could come up with that. What annoys me is they had a Hover mower. Do you know those? I think they still have them. So we know the technology is out there. It's being withheld. Well.

Well. I can't think of an end to it but it was what i like about sledging is there's a slight sense that you've slightly lost control if you're going down the hill but this is the problem with sledging there's never an end to it i mean you'll never end up anywhere good well i like the walk back you know i got I got my 10,000 steps on my Fitbit just walking back up the hill from sledging. Great. I sledged for two and a half hours. You did, yeah.

But it reminded me, I once saw a clip from the Chinese state circus and it was a panda in a little cart being pulled by an Alsatian. A specialist interestian and the panda was playing a trumpet Frank that's very cruel it looks happy

and the whole thing, obviously it's funny I mean, you know I hope it was looked after in all other aspects. But at the end of the day, it was a panda playing a trumpet being pulled by an Alsatian. So it was essentially comic.

But what was truly comic about it wasn't so much the trumpet and the usual form of transport. The whole thing was slightly out of control. Slight, there was jeopardy throughout. That was what was marvellous. That's what's great about Sledge. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've got the giggles, Frank, because I've come across Panda playing trumpet. Yes. And it's a fine thing, I have to say. Yeah, I'm not sure it's morally acceptable. No, I know. I don't know, it might be all right. I don't know if anything's been necessarily hurt.

You never know, do you? Yeah. I don't think the Chinese would get involved in anything unkind to animals. No, it's not their scene. We've had a text suggesting that you missed a pun, an opportunity for a joke. Well, I had to let some of them go.

Brave person, though. They continue, you should have said, the world of Hover has never really taken off. Oh, yeah, well, actually, that's fair enough. Sorry, I just couldn't let it go. It's okay. That's from 351 though.

It's probably, there's a study for it in my sketch pad, I just didn't think it worth it going into oils. Right. But no, it's a perfectly fine pond. Congrats. Strong work. Have we built snowmen as well? You never. I built a snowman as well.

You never. I built one of them for a while. How long ago was this? Sunday. Wow. That's Sunday. How did you decorate the snowman? Did you go carrot?

Tier one, yeah, we went carrot. Okay. Very good. For the nose, we used... Oh, come on. So, I tell you what, obviously we didn't have coal. Traditionally, you use coal for the eyes.

We don't have coal around the house. Horrible eyes. Coal, big lumps of coal for eyes. That is what they did, that was it. No, but they didn't know then. Did you go with stones? Did you just find some big stones?

Happily. Appley? Apples. Green, lovely green eyes. We're calling it happily now. We, uh, Boz had a couple of conkers left over. Oh, perfect. Tiny eyes.

Yeah. No, they were quite big conkers. And I like the fact that conkers were really October things and were now being used in a Christmas scene. Yeah. Man for all seasons. Snowman for all seasons. Does Snowman have lips?

Or is he more of a sort of Kenneth Branagh vibe? We got a mouth. We got a mouth for him. But I used a bit of a branch. I tried to get a bit of curvature for a smile, but I couldn't quite get that. So he became a sort of an... I looked out the

window later at him standing in the garden. He was something of an unsettling presence. This twiggy mouth. Well, he got like a sort of not quite smiling mouth. It was an element of... I don't know. And also, the way I put the conkers in, I hadn't realised,

he looked like he was looking upwards. Oh, yeah. So he looked like he was keeping watch while someone robbed our upstairs. He was sort of a wingman. But they aren't... If you look out at them at night, they do look sort of lonely,

abandoned figures. Also, I blame them somewhat for the ongoing problem with the national obesity crisis, right? Do you really? Why don't they have a svelte snowman? Well, I don't think it'd stay up for us now. Always piling on the pounds. They need a wide base, don't they?

It's very hard. Yeah, that's what they always say. Like Jan Mulvey or something. They always say that. Need a wide base. Yeah, I didn't put always say. You have an oldie or something. People in B&Q, they always say that. I need a white base. Yeah, I didn't put the scarf on it as well. I was telling a driver about it, a driver, and he said, did you put a scarf on it?

And I said, no. I didn't want to put any clouds out the garden. And there was an element, if you liked it, you should have put a scarf on it that's the song Beyonce style you see I would have gone for a top cap waistcoat

you can't get that how are we going to get the arms through the sleeves impossible you'd have to put the waistcoat on and then build the arms around it

why couldn't you do that well because in the nature of chronology the idea of waistcoat before arms that's wrong seems just yeah it's challenging the order of the creator. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, I did a reading at a carol service. Did you?

On Thursday. Lovely. How did you do? It was a four-pronged attack of celebrity readers. It was me, Adrian Childs. Right. I know what you're thinking. There's a theme, but then it veers away

Emily Maitlis who surprisingly is married I said that because Maitlis so you thought I was mean but no and Keris Matthews

so we all did a reading each and Keris got up first and she was doing a Dylan Thomas poem. She did a bit of an introduction. Did she? And Adrian leaned across and he said, Are you doing an introduction? And what did you say? I said, I hadn't planned on one, but I might have to come up with one now.

So I actually did like a very small gig in Westminster Cathedral. How did it go, the gig? I stormed it. Did you? Really. I got up and I said, as an old showbiz saying,

never follow O Little Town of Bethlehem. Oh, yeah. Got a laugh? I think they thought, what does that mean? Why would that be, I wonder? What's wrong with our little town of Bethlehem? There's a general sense of that. You know what a cathedral crowd is like?

They're not totally with you from the beginning. Are you suggesting that some of them will fall on stony ground? They certainly do. But I continued. It's like doing a link on this show. You feel you've got to end on some sort of high. So we talked. I was reading The Journey of the Magi by T.S. Eliot,

a cold coming we had of it. And that was how the material was going. So I said, you know, it's about the Magi. And then I thought I'd better tell them who they are. So I said, you know, sometimes known as the three wise men or the three kings. Yeah. And I said, you know, it covers an aspect of them not often discussed, their travel arrangements. Right.

And then I said, wait for it. I thought, if this doesn't work, I've got nothing left. Okay. This is my peak. I said... Extraordinary review of a reading. I said, because we all think of him just following the star and then, you know, ending up in Bethlehem, you know,

straightforward, but, you know, not as complicated as you think, especially when you remember it was a bank holiday. Oh, lovely. Big-ish laugh. That was it, straight into T.S. Eliot. That's decent. Did Aide do any material? Well, Aid was...

Aid, what's his name? Dave, is he? No, that's the other friend. That's the other friend. Should have been Dave. I haven't got two friends, take that back. Well, he couldn't... It was difficult with him because he was doing Luke 3 verses 10 to 28.

Oh, well, I wish you'd said earlier. I mean, it's hard. Puts it all into perspective. What's the ramp going to be? Tricky, isn't it? Yeah, I mean... He should have just come up and said, Oh, follow that.

He should have got up and said, Luke. Yeah. Luke. And done that about three times. Look. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. I've done that about three times I went to Nativity play this week Seems like it is the season for it

It was at the Catholic Church Don't take any risks, it's actually in the church We like our Nativity plays for it. It was at the Catholic Church. Don't take any risks. It's actually in the church. We like our nativity plays hermetically sealed. And my son, Boz,

was, his role was narrator. Oh, good. Lovely. I think that's the best part. I was always narrator and I was happy with narrator. It made me think, we don't, we don think, you don't get that much grown-up stuff with narrator in it. No, not so much.

Still quite a... I remember going to see the Butterfly Ball at the Albert Hall. Do you remember Butterfly Ball? Are you doing a poem now? It was written by somebody from Deep Purple, did you? I think Ian Gillan, singer. And Vincent Price was the narrator. And it's a great format, the narrator.

Thinking of bringing it back. That's good. What on? Well, they say the narrator role, I read something about this recently. Really? Yeah, what roles they tend to give the children. And I was very pleased and delighted to read that the narrator role often went to the organised responsible students.

Is that right? And the idea that they would hold everything together. So lovely. Well, I don't think I can say that Vincent Price did that. I thought he was flamboyant in the extreme. Nice reflection on your buzz, though. Can I make a guess at what role you took for the audience member? I think you probably took enthusiastic dad.

A borderline over-enthusiastic dad. There's an element of that. I noticed yesterday, I saw a children's Christmas show yesterday, and there was a dad near me who had to be the first to clap or the last to clap on every round of applause. I hope I'm not that bad. And did that strange thing of like, after one bit he did a little whistling

like, you know, through his fingers like, woo woo woo! Well, see, I don't even have that as an option. I've never been able to whistle through my fingers. Oh, okay, well you're off the hook then. Yeah. The best example of a narrator in a movie when it really, really worked

it's an adult sort of a film. Oh, when it really, really worked. It's an adult sort of a film. Oh, there we go. Called Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens. And it's by Ross Meyer. Right. But the narrator role in it, it's a bloke in sort of dungarees.

And he just appears, like he'll appear on the top of a wardrobe. The camera just pans up. So there's been some sort of scene going on. And camera appear on the top of a wardrobe. The camera just pans off. So there's been some sort of scene going on. Camera pans up the top of wardrobe and there he is. And I always remember there was a bit where somebody... You know what a Mickey Finn is? Right. Do you know a Mickey Finn?

No. Oh, I thought it was illegal narcotics. Yes. No, Mickey Finn is a knockout drug. He used to put it in people's drinks. Yeah, illegal narcotics. And literally, it just, you know, it... Oh, is that?

Yeah, yeah. It knocks them out. Mickey Finn. And somebody puts a Mickey Finn in somebody's drink in this film, and then it cuts across the bar, sitting at a nearby table is the narrator in his dungarees. And remember, he says, that lozenge would have stopped Godzilla's clock.

And I thought, this, this is what I want to be, the kind of work I want to be doing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

People do. They do. Frank, I've got a question for you regarding the church. Question. OK. Hang on, that's quite a big question i know right the church capital t capital c there i went to a carol service too this week we're all at it dear i mean there's a lot of them about this is the time for a carol service you're gonna go to well i haven't been to one for a while. I got the candle. 12 months?

It's been about 12 months? Yeah, I think you're right, Frank. I got the thin candle, very thin, the candles you get, with a paper wax holder underneath. Clever idea. Yeah. Didn't take very well. You don't want candle wax on a velvet glove.

No. Were you wearing velvet gloves? Well, I don't want it on my dog who was with me. Oh. Put your dog to church. Yeah, it was a dog's glove. No. Were you wearing velvet gloves? Well, I don't want it on my dog, who was with me. Oh. Put your dog to church? Yeah, it was a dog's trust. Oh. And there were some dogs there.

The speakers were Freddie Fox, Robert Powell. I wouldn't think the dogs would like that. They were all over his torture pieces. He had the purple bingo jacket on, waistcoat. Cat Daly, chased all round the church. Come on on who else

who else could have been there he's happier than a panda with a trumpet was he happy though well yeah there you go

let's not go let's not dig too deeply no no in that one I just think he's no longer with us it's quite old

footage how long do they live pandas 8, 12, 15. Well, we had enough time with panda cars. We've got to have a panda-themed question every week. Nicholas Parsons. Oh, he was there.

Now, I'm impressed because you've worked with him. I've worked with him. Al, you've worked with him. Frank? I've worked with him. I've got to say, only one who went off-book, dear, meaning he learnt it all off by heart.

Wow. Amazing. Really? What is he learnt it all off by heart. Wow. Amazing. Really? What is he, 95? It's incredible. Something like that. But I have a question for you. Read the church.

That's the subject line of my email to you. Right. How do you feel about the youths getting out the phones, doing a Snapchat of the service? There was a girl in front of me and she kept getting out the phone and I did this. I went I did one of those. Good on you. And then I went

quite audibly. And then you went Just see how many that voice she had to come up with. But what was extraordinary was she was a very She was a very beautiful young girl. I would say mid-twenties, long blonde hair, red coat, nice coat.

I could see her Instagram picture. Yeah, you would have been happy. But why did she take a Snapchat photo of Nicholas Parsons? That just seems odd for her demographic on Instagram. She might have related to him. No, I don't think so. They're all up front, dear, his relatives. Oh, were they?

Where do you stand on taking pictures in the church? Well, I'm not keen. I think I have done it overseas as a memento, so I can't completely point the finger. But Snapchat, that's actually videoing, isn't it? She was videoing. Yeah. Also, one other question.

How do you feel about us all sort of invading your manner, as it were, just for a few days of the year? Well, I think it happens more with the Anglicans, to be honest. Because I think a lot of people think they're a bit Anglican, if they're anything. Yes. Whereas the Catholic Church feels a bit like a step up. But when I was a drinking man,

I used to get more annoyed about sort of casual drinkers cramming the bar and you had to wait and get served and stuff. Whereas the alcoholics at the back? Is that fair? I mean, because there was no loyalty cards in those days. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.

Do we have news from the outside world? We've actually got a couple of questions for you. Questiony, questiony. Go on. Yeah, just bear with me because they've just moved. Oh, here we are. Frank, do you like cricket? Because while you jest, English cricket is being battered down under.

But what can I do about it? Well, they're requesting a song. Please play I'll Come From A Land Down Under. We're not going to do that. No. I think Colonel Sanders was battered down under at some parties. On that topic, Noggy, who's a regular contributor to the show, sent me his old

cricket sweater today because I mentioned the fact that I was wearing two jumpers and he said he's got too big for it and I'll be straight with you it's a big sweater but anyway, maybe he was joking but it's Australian

it's the Australian, you know, the green and yellow lovely so it's a lovely thought's the Australian, you know, the green and yellow. Lovely. So it's a lovely thought, but I will never wear it. Oh. So if there's any Australians near Golden Square... Yeah. What if Nugget wants it back now? Come to reception and you can have an Australian...

How's Nugget going to feel about these? That might not be the deal that he thinks he's entered, so that you give it away on the radio. I can't wear it. Can I wear it, especially at this, as they say, time of national mourning as far as cricket's concerned. Well, right.

You could wear it around the house with power cuts. I could not wear an Australian cricket jumper. Really? Wow. Never! What a rule. We've also had a text from 374

who says, Hi Frank, you played a song by the Waitresses last week. Could you play it again or tell us the song title? This is like a prop. Now this is real radio. It's getting a bit proper. I think it's called Christmas Wrapping, isn't it?

Oh, is it? But rapping, not as in A, B, and away and down, none of that. Oh God, it's like watching Hamilton. Terrible. Yeah, not like that kind of rapping. With a W. With a W. No. Yeah. Terrible. Yeah, not like that kind of rapping. With a W.

With a W. Okay. Yeah. I have to say, it's one of the great Christmas singles of all time. My even the best.

Wow. So go for it. You reckon? Enjoy. Oh, on the narrator. Yes. Yes.

I was thinking of checking out War of the Worlds. I think that's around, isn't it, at the moment? You know, that's the stage show. Oh, is it? Oh. You familiar? I thought you meant the radio broadcast, Orson Welles did. I'll be late for that.

Yeah, I was going to say, love. I, for a moment, panicked there, because you once lent me that on CD, and I'm sure I've returned it, but I thought, is this Frank's way of subtly asking me for it back? No, no.

I did give it back. Somebody sent me that to tell me that's in the stage show. I wonder if that's got in it right. Very probably. Yeah, I think. Chances of anything

coming from Mars is a million to one they said. Whoa! It's a cracker. I'd like to see it. And is it coming I think one coming from Mars! It's a cracker, I'd like to see it. And is it coming? I think one coming from us.

It's a million to one, pause. But still they come, see? Listen to people. 853 has texted, Hi Frank, good morning to you all. Best narrator in a film ever is Peter Falk, brackets Columbo, in The Princess Bride. Oh, you know what? Somebody sent me The Princess Bride. Oh, you know what?

Somebody sent me The Princess Bride. I'm going to check that out. Have you not seen it? I've not seen that. Oh, shut up. I've become obsessed. Shut up.

It's one of my favourite films. I haven't seen it. Well, I said on this show I hadn't seen it and someone felt so strongly they sent it to me. You know what? I just realised now

it's still in the drawer. Watch it. I've not seen it either. If I'd known it, I'd have been a writer. Why don't you have a bromance in the same way that David and Frank sometimes watch a football together?

You could have some nice bromance, Dave. Watch Princess Bride. That would be lovely. Come round. Do that in the new year. I'll bring some jogging bottoms in my bag. Do it. If you go on Boxing Day,

you'll get a packet of Poppadoms, which I did. Who's your favourite narrator in a film? 8, 12, 15. Or television. What about Michael Winner's True Crimes? Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.

Start with Michael Winner in an armchair in a big book. Does Shortay's Please Five count as a narrator? No, he does. This character. There's a bit of that going on. There's a bit of that. But Michael Winner, they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

That was certainly the case for Michelle Haywood on the 7th of September, 1953. Oh, brilliant. Absolute. Your favourite narrator. Come on! Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some readers texting in regarding narrators. You asked them in quite an emphatic fashion, and they've responded. Hi, Frank, Liam Neeson narrates the stage show of War of the Worlds from a holographic image.

I saw it a few years ago with Jason Donovan in it as the soldier and Rydian from X Factor as the priest. It was great. Rydian, I Factor as the priest. It was great. Rydian? I don't remember him. You don't? No. With the platinum? Quiff?

Really? You don't remember him? I think that might have been... Even I remember him. Do you? Yeah, and I don't watch it. OK, I remember him as well. Bullying works.

Good boy, good boy. He didn't do it as a priest with a platinum quiff He had a platinum quiff He could have played one of those spaces I can't talk for much longer in this tone until you remember him

You can't You'll hurt your throat Okay And there seems to be a little bit of confusion I think you were asking for a narrator

as in an on-screen narrating presence Yes, I should have been more specific I mean it's a lousy texting, let's face it. No, I think it's... It's not as bad as some that are probably going on this morning.

I didn't clarify. I saw to make the on-camera narrator rather than the voiceover. Yeah, we've got quite a few voiceovers. Yeah, it's not just someone in a booth. There's only one winner, brackets, not Michael. It has to be Morgan Freeman. Not on one film, but two. Shawshank Redemption and March of the Penguins.

No, I don't think it counts. Sorry, love. I think it's great voiceover. I think David Tennant did voice March of the Penguins. Oh. They're often mistaken, of course, vocally. Peas in a pod, aren't they? Whereas Charles Grey, Rocky Horror Show, yes, I'll give you that.

That counts as narrator. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Good. I yes, I'll give you that. That counts as narrator. Thank you. OK. Good. I mean, there hasn't been that many, let's face it. Come on, let's just come to terms with that. No. I mean, nobody suggested Kaiser Soze in The Usual Suspects, thank goodness. We'll move on.

Gone. Didn't happen. No, didn't happen. Shall we talk about, Al, one of my faves, David Beckham, because I like David. Oh, sorry. And it's Christmas,

so let's have a couple of minutes on DB. Okay, go on. He said this week that when he was at Man United, he couldn't like Oasis. He couldn't admit

to liking Oasis for reasons that I imagine will be obvious. Tribal. Yeah, because they're such Man City fans. Yeah. And it would have been plain wrong, is, I believe, the phrase that was used. It was the love that dare not speak its name.

Yeah. And I feel sorry for him on those headphones. Imagine having to lie about what he's listening to. What are you listening to, David? I thought he liked Osher. That's the only person I've ever heard him mention is Osher. Is it really? Yeah.

Strange person to like. See, I think I'm fascinated by Osher. Why? Yeah, I don't know. Goes to a lot of weddings. Sort of very glamorous, but also sort of quite sinister. Oh, right. I know, actually, that's Russia.

Oh. Sorry, everyone. No, no, he does, though. The only music act I've ever heard him mention before is saying he likes Usher. Really? Well, I don't think of David Beckham

as being like a big music fan no so when I read this I was sort of surprised and then I remembered he's married to a pop star like

that's probably why you think he's not a big music fan of all the ones he could have picked I don't imagine they have music at home do you

no I don't think so what can you imagine them putting on well it's this by the sounds of it. I think this qualifies as a late review from David Beckham. I love Oasis. I must check them out, David. One thing I really like about this, though,

is that he's saying, whether or not it's true, I don't know, but he's saying, oh, I was embarrassed to admit that I liked Oasis. At that point in history, he was wearing a sarong as a footballer. He was going out in a skirt. I mean, you know, have the courage of your convictions. Presumably everyone in Manchester, whether they were a red or a blue, liked Oasis at that point. I think there was the mad Chester crowd.

It was sort of more happy Mondays and all that, all that goes with it. Well, he said whenever he would meet with Noel Gallagher, he would just want to talk about football and that was a bit stressful. I don't know if you found that encounter the same. What else are you going to talk to David Beckham about? You don't meet him, If you met him every day,

like conversation number six might be about, you know, fashion. Have you met David Beckham, Al? No, I haven't. Have you, Frank? I have. Me too. I'll tell you something about David Beckham.

Lovely. I worked with someone who was utterly obsessed with David Beckham. Hello. Someone does. You still do. And I was at a do and she was just sitting at a table on her own

and David Beckham comes in in a white suit. She hadn't even seen him. It's like a dream. It's like heaven. That's my heaven. That right there is my heaven. And I said,

all right. And he said, I saw you play me in a sketch a couple of weeks ago. And I thought, which one was it? How bad was it?

He said, you must have a great makeup lady if she can make you look like me. Which I thought, I thought it was a pretty good line. Yeah. And I said, will you do me a favour?

You see that woman over there? Would you just, and she honestly was just looking around and didn't know he was even in the building. You just go over and say hello to her, which I know is a bit of a... He said, yeah, right. Oh, well.

And over he went. So he tapped her on the shoulder, she looked up, and he's got the white suit and everything. I mean, he looks, you know. I would have genuinely thought I'd died, and that was it, and I was being greeted. I mean, there's a tiny imperfection in the mouth, but apart from that, he looked fantastic. Oh, shut up. was being greeted. I mean, there's a tiny imperfection in the mouth but apart from that he looked fantastic.

Oh, shut up. And as I've said before, he is like the Muslim market, rug making and deliberately putting in an imperfection. God, I have something wrong.

So they're not too perfect. And the voice. He went over and her face was absolutely, I mean, like a tiny child at Santa's grotto. And then as he said goodbye, he just kissed her on the cheek.

I thought, good lad. Good lad. So I like him. I like him for that. Great. But I do think now, if he's in the paper saying anything, what's he selling at the moment? Yes. Well, you have to put paid for on all your Instagram posts now.

And he does have a lot of paid for. What does that mean? You're just being honest that you were paid for it, essentially. So if you mention sitting here drinking my whiskey, you have to say paid for it. Because he advertises whiskey now, doesn't he? Paid for. I don't like that from a former athlete.

No. Come on, guys. The idea that professional footballers drink alcohol is something none of us want to think about. Frank, I'm going to have a cashew nut. Not paid for. We got these, we paid for these. But what's he selling?

Is he selling, has he got a new fragrance? What's he not selling, darling? He's got all sorts going on. Watches. Yeah. New pants, pants. A clothing brand. British clothing brand.

I think he's got a spatula. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry to hear that. David Beckham spatula, which is... For fry-ups. Yeah. Big fry-up guy. It's quite a sizeable one,

with just a tattoo in the one corner. Yeah. I think I've got it. I think it's something like the Bechler. Yeah. I think it's called. I wonder how Tom Daley's getting on with that master pan. Oh, that was a good pan.

I still use mine. Do you? Oh, yeah. It's great. What I like is when the coupler compartments use mine. Do you? Oh, yeah. It's great. What I like is when a couple of compartments are empty. I don't feel I have to fill them all. Do you?

It's like, you know, when a new unit of offices open. They don't all go straight away. Is it heavy on the wrist, though? Or is it okay? I don't really lift it much. I just move it about. Okay.

That, again, that's all spatula work, really. I'm not raising... I'm not doing pancakes in it. That again, that's all spatula work really. I'm not doing pancakes in it. I don't know how they'd come out. Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio We've had a text from 485 saying best narrator surely Roald Dahl narrating his own Tales of the Unexpected on ITV Saturday night in the 1980s. Oh, yeah. Terrifying.

That was spooky. Dr Tom, long term. Still on Sky Arts every lunchtime. Is he really? Mm-hmm. Did not know that. Really? I suppose into the same category you could put Hitchcock Presents,

couldn't you? Hitchcock Presents. Good evening. Very good. Thank you. I like that. That's all I've got of that. You can add that to your Frank Spencer. Yeah, yeah. Who else did I do? You did David Bellamy. I did that on stage. David Bellamy. I think I got a

nod from Frank the other day for I am going to marry that girl. Is that Michael Caine? Yeah. Lovely. Very good. Sorry to say, is that Michael Caine? Yeah, brutal. I saw my voice work done. Can I ask, what does David Beckham, is he still, apart from sort of advertising stuff,

if he had to fill in a form with occupation on it, what would it be now? Oh, that's a good question. Sadly, I think you might say ex-footballer. No, you can't put your previous occupation in, can you? You're not allowed. I think it is brand ambassador.

Brand ambassador. Is what he would call himself. Global brand. Global brand ambassador. Yeah. And what's the global brand him? Yeah. Well, yeah, he's an ambassador for brands. Didn't ambassadors used to be like political figures? Yeah.

When did that start? You could be an ambassador for a brand. 8, 12, 15. I think... Tell us when that started. Is it not... Is it happening now? Who could have imagined this?

That their relationship is going a little bit A Star Is Born. I don't know. In A Star Is Born, James Mason marries Judy Garland. Or Chris Christopherson, whichever one is your bag. Marries Barbara Streisand, whichever one you say, yeah. Yeah. James Mason is a big star and he marries this young up-and-coming person.

I know she was a bit more than that, but anyway. And then the level of fame goes the other way and his career goes down and hers goes up. I mean, with a football, obviously, there's an inevitability to that. And at the end of it, James Mason walks into the sea and just keeps walking. Happy Christmas, everyone. I remember my dad, I watch it with my dad,

and my dad said it should have ended with my bonnie lies over the ocean. I says more under. But is that what's going to end, that David Beckham is going to walk into the sea? Because Victoria Beckham, I would say now, is more sort of got legit job. Yeah. Imagine Beckham walking into the sea because Victoria Beckham, I would say, now is more sort of got legit job. Yeah.

Imagine Beckham walking into the sea. Yeah, but he'll be sponsored by someone. I'm thinking if you were in a helicopter flying over the sea, you'd still be able to see the white glow of the box fresh trainers moving across the sea bed as he still kept going. He's been walking for three miles.

Yeah. That was the imperfect mouth. It was a gill. Oh. David Beckham. Aquafibian? 8.12.15. We're just going to get those to text saying yes or no.

No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. It's 50 pence. Don't waste your money. money no that'd be wrong but I think he's at a turning point isn't he would you agree

with me on this he needs a job yes yeah let's find a job for him someone has pointed out he's an ambassador

for UNICEF true I don't know if they're ticking us off maybe well that you know obviously that's a very good cause but when I think UNICEF I always think like

Roger Moore and Bianca Jagger it's very Monaco and obviously it helps people but I think he wants something a bit more substantial he needs something to get his teeth into

he wants to manage someone like, you know, say Stockport and work his way up. I really appreciate the career advice you're giving him. I think it's really kind of you. What, do you think he's happy doing nothing? Can we just take a moment to hope that the current manager of Stockport County is not a fan of the show? Frank's jettisoning him. No, no, he'll be on a penny farthing on his way to the away game.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Just before we go back to Bex, as it were. Back to Bex. Oh, I wish, eh? Zero, nine, two. I saw it when they say it. Yeah.

Got there first. No, I would. Guys, you've completely missed out the definitive narrative performance in a movie. It is, of course, Rizzo in A Muppet Christmas Carol. The guy deserved an Oscar.

That's from Dad. Rizzo? Oh, isn't that... There are worse things I could do. Yeah. I don't know. It's not my... And I seem to remember

she's got herself into a little bit of trouble. Yes, she had. Frank? Which one is Rizzo in The Muppets? I know Gonzo. And I know Cookie Monster. Me know Cookie Monster. Me don't know Rizzo.

Cookie Monster would be a lousy narrator. Why does he eat cookies? Anyway, yeah, I'll have to go and check their heads. I think they're all on Sky Ketchup at the moment. Are they? Oh, paid for. Not paid for. Okay, not paid for. Calm down, dear. Listen. Calm down, dear.

That was certainly the case for Emily Dean on the... Go on. Go on. Go on! We've had some correspondence in via the Twitter. Oh, yes. From the great Raimondo.

He's not happy with us. He was in the Muppets. He's not happy. Oh. What's up with him? Well, I think he might be a David Beckham fan. And needless to say, me too. But he has said neither of the Beckhams need, in caps,

a job, five exclamation marks. Their net worth must be about 100 million, seven exclamation marks, little finger in the corner of the mouth. So, what do you think of that, Frank? Well, you see, the thing is with that raymondo is that's all very well if a job is just about earning money and i used to obviously i used to think that when i worked in factories and things but you do realize that the just having an order to your life somewhere to go

a purpose that sort of sense of a project and a team spirit is in many ways psychologically as important as the money. I know he's a rich man, but it seems to me now he's drifting. He's drifting aimlessly. Have you ever thought of an agony ant, Colm? I quite like that. I found it quite inspirational. I think you'd be good at that. Anyway.

Emily says, what's wrong with David being a full-time stay-at-home dad? It's the 21st century. Good point. I don't think that's what he's doing, is he? Well, no, for a start, he doesn't ever seem to stay at home. He's constantly in the media, isn't he? Is he stay-at-home dad slash whiskey brand ambassador? Yes.

Well, actually, we've had a message saying David Beckham's last contract states he can build his own MLS football team, which, of course, is Major League Soccer. They call it that. And also, I thought where we'd reached in the 21st century was that, you know, there's a choice thing about, you know, staying at home or being a mum,

full-time mum, full-time dad thing. And what I'm suggesting is what George Best once said to me. Clang. Gathered by the fireside, I like this anecdote. I didn't want to get that name that Frank just dropped. Having retired as a professional footballer, he spent the rest of his life trying to replace the feeling that you get when 60,000 people are chanting your name.

Right. So maybe Beckham would be better off, I don't know, get an allotment. Something, you need something. You can't live in the wispy, fluffy world of fragrances and whiskey ambassadorship. I'll see you guys later. Okay.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's not just David Beckham that's been in the news with this week. It's Lenny Kravitz has apparently, finally, the article makes out,

finally put to rest the idea that he was not the one that deliberately ripped his leather pants and left him showing. I like that it's like the findings of the Warren Commission. Yeah, yeah. Finally, the truth will out. It is written up a bit like that. As if everyone was wondering. Can I confess?

This is from 2015. I don't remember this happening. No, me neither. I think that shows you in a wonderful light. Do you remember it? Yes. Do you? Yeah, very much so.

Well, as Frank would say, his trousers ripped and it revealed his gentleman's, excuse me. Oh, did it really? It did, yes. Oh, did it ever? Yeah. He was in Sweden.

It's all right when they say it. He was in Sweden singing American Woman. Oh, yeah. And he squatted by the backing singers. You heard. He did. Oh, did he? Yeah. Never squat in leathers, love. No. Yeah. I mean, you know that with your work in the S&M community.

Yeah. And don't go commando in leathers and i think it was while he was saying woman it was all awful oh it all he went american woman it was this village it suddenly ripped open and oh i mean in a swedish village i think if that happened to me i wouldn't want it to be in scavia. Why? Too cold. Yeah, that's what he said. Well, yeah, exactly.

He says if I'd known that it was going to happen, I would have warmed... Well, exactly. I mean, my point in a nutshell. Yeah. He's only got himself to blame. He was a disaster waiting to happen, that man. The moment he walked on stage in those clothes... Was he?

Yeah, come on. You can't take risks like that. Those clothes were recommended to him by a fashion stylist person who was on their first gig and is now the stylist for Madonna. Okay, Kravitz apologist. I just read the article. Madonna's been waiting

for her trousers to rip ever since. Yes, exactly. Do you think that person then gave Madonna that cape that those people, and she fell backwards? Oh, yeah, she's a hijacker. Oh. He said, I liked his quote,

he said, did I have underwear on? No, thus are the problems that I incur. Yeah. No, that's strange. She's got a bit Shakespearean. Yeah. Thus.

I like the fact that the only two people I know who never wear underwear on the strength of this is Lenny Kravitz and Richard Mabley. That's right. That's a great combo. Extraordinary Venn diagram. Yeah.

Yeah. What about if Judy retired and they did This Morning with Richard and Lenny? I'd watch that. I'd watch it, but I wouldn't want to buy the chair second hand. No, I wouldn't want to watch the summer holiday one

where they go away. They're in shorts. I don't remember the story at all, the ripped I do. I took the precaution of googling the story. I thought, oh, this must be a big deal. I'll google Lenny Kravitz ripped trousers. And must be a big deal I'll google Lenny Kravitz ripped trousers

and I thought, as soon as I put in Lenny Kravitz this is obviously such a big story, it'll suggest ripped trousers, do you know what it suggests before ripped trousers? Lenny Kravitz scarf he went out in a huge scarf, like it's about four foot wide

and there's about a million pictures on the internet of Lenny Kravitz in this scarf. So he thinks everyone's talking about his gentleman's excuse me, and we're not, we're talking about his scarf. Well, he probably thinks if it happens to me, I'll go out and swaddle it with my neckwear. But that's nice, Al, that's infinitely more Christmassy. That's interesting, because if I was Lenny Kravitz,

I would bring out a line of silk scarves called Lenny Kravitz. Very good. Oh come on Frank that's why you had the big box. I think that that would be

that would be a good angle wouldn't it because he could because cravats are thought of as the old man's thing but a sort of rock and roll

Lenny Kravitz one. Yeah. And maybe that what you could have especially ripping one of your nipples comes out. What do you think? Think small. Kravitz one and maybe you could have them especially rip and one of your nipples comes out

what do you think think small that's what I'm saying to him think small and you can work your way

up to the other stuff yes so that's what he should do Kravitz as I like to

call him we were at public school together he was in the Bullingdon club when I was Kravitz, as I like to call him. We were at public school together. He was in the Bullingdon Club. When I was a kid, there was an act

called PJ Proby. Do you remember him? No. PJ Proby was famous for his trousers splitting on stage and got into a bit of trouble about it. Into a bit of trouble. In those days, if your trousers split. And it was all anyone ever saw. But if you looked at PJ Proby on Google,

it'll say split trousers or something like that. First man I saw with a regular ponytail. Oh, I was wondering what that was going to be. And then I saw a picture of him. I wondered what that was going to be. And then I saw a picture of him. I mean, years have heard about this. I finally saw a picture of him on stage with his trousers split and then gone up the knees.

Oh, I mean, that doesn't count. No, I see that every day. I can walk outside and see 50 people like that. Has either of your trousers ever split in a Kravitzian manner? No. That's the problems I incur fashion. I tell you I had a really weird

experience. I squatted down on stage and my trousers split and Lenny Kravitz's private partner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Obviously duringner on Absolute Radio. Obviously, during that, we were all looking at pictures

of Lenny Kravitz wearing a giant scarf. It was, and it does. I tell you what it looks like. You know, in those sort of cartoons and things, when somebody, like in Alice in Wonderland, when they take a shrinking pill. Yes. And it looks like he's walking out with a normal scarf

and he's shrunk. So I was so shocked during that song. Why? That the producer told me that she throws pennies in the bin. Oh, yeah. Wow, eh? Is this Maze Britain? I reckon Lenny Kravitz was actually secretly a big fan

of Kenny Everett and saw those big hands and thought, well, they're basically gloves, those, aren't they? Why hasn't someone done the same with a scarf? I'd like to think that he watched Kenny Everett. Possibly. Written by Michael McIntyre's dad, Kenny Everett. I believe so.

Yeah. And apparently he's also, fair up. This is another revelation. You know revelations that aren't that big revelations. Yes. I.e.

David Beckham used to like Oasis. Yeah. And Kravitz. Kravitz did go out

with Nicole Kidman. Was engaged? Yeah. Engaged. Dead now of course sadly.

What? Nicole Kidman. No she's sadly. What? Nicole Kidman. No, she's not. What? She looks. I was saying this last week. She does look so like Rent-A-Ghost person. She's spectral.

I think she looks like something out of a restoration comedy. Yes, there is something like that. Either she's dead or she does a lot of baking. Just covered in flour. She's so white. I mean, her hair's white. I'm not saying she's got older. We've all got older, but she's actually passed away

and carried on working. Right. Good for a regent. It is a bit steal-your-style Jacob Marley. It is, isn't it? I mean, come on. I mean, how did she go if I remember

in To Die For she was a a red head right but now she's like you could read the newspaper

through Nicole Kidman yeah yeah she's Nicole Kidman dead or alive hey 1215

the bit of that article that I liked was the Australian beauty originally got close to Lenny after renting his Manhattan apartment Rent a ghost

Ghost to rent But he was her he was her landlord That's very rising damp I love it I've read a lot of properties He came down and said I'm Miss Kidman Lenny

Yeah I'd like to have, I'm a Miss Kidman. Yeah. I'd like to have said, oh, sorry about that. And I like her being one of those actually quite 19th... I keep a nice clean house, so I do. I love none of your funny business in the end.

I wish she was like that. Oh, Nicole. You see, when Nicole... Frank had drifted off there. Oh, Nicole. Do you think when she dies, people will say, Frank Skinner always said she was dead.

Anyway, there's something wrong going on there. And the sooner we get to the bottom of it, the better. Well, we got to the bottom of Lenny. Yeah. And we know what's going on now. Yes. I'm going to have to Google that. What?

The ripped trousers thing. Oh, it's all right. Your cast's already done it. Check your history. It's all right. When they do it. When they say it's fine. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radioiding Owl We've had a message here Hi, I remember PJ Proby When I was small my parents took me to see pop actors They couldn't get babysitters I must have been around five years of age And we went to Exeter to see

I think it was Rolling Stones And PJ Proby was on the bill But then there was an announcement That he was not appearing as he had split his trousers. What kind of an excuse for not appearing? He only has one pair of trousers. Also, couldn't get babysitters, never stopped my parents. Come on.

It's a great reason. I'll remember that next time I can't do the show. Sorry, I'll face this gig. Split me trousers. What if the Hulk went on tour? Oh, he couldn't. I mean, he'd miss more or less every... What about when we went to see Young Frankenstein

and Frank was so excited because one of the performers had the serrated edge, which we actually called... What is it called? Castellation, I call it. Castellation on the frock. But we were on about that. It's not called castellation i call it castellation on the frock but we were on about that it's not really cast it's like um it was certainly somewhat what you get from pincin scissors it's those yeah so the triangle flinstonian yeah flinstones um robinson

crusoe's trousers yeah yeah uh all that and interestingly um i saw the Doctor Who Christmas special How was it? Oh my god wait A preview screening Well I can't hear anything about it So excited But I can tell you that That Peter Capaldi wears a velvet jacket With a bit of a Flintstones finish to it

Are you allowed to tell that? As a result I think I'm allowed to say that Oh my god I'll tell you something about I feel tense that you might not be allowed to tell that I'll tell you something about it What I feel tense that you might not be allowed to tell that. I'll tell you something about it.

What they did is that they wouldn't... They wouldn't... Chris Chibnall, the new showrunner, wouldn't let them show the bit where Jodie Whittaker becomes the Doctor. So they cut the end off him. And he says, you know, you've got to wait until Christmas Day. But they just had one... when it went into regeneration, there was just one, well, just a few frames of Peter Capaldi's eyes becoming her eyes.

So there was just a moment when you saw her eyes start to emerge. And I got such a mighty surge of excitement. And now I'm really, really aching for the Whittaker years. Oh, good. Oh, lovely. Yeah, what a weird thing. I just thought, whoa! Yeah.

You just see little bits of mascara coming through. But they used Dude Looks Like a Lady as the music to it, which I thought was a mistake. I thought, surely that's a mistake. You are a fibber. No, they didn't do that. Oh, yeah. Come on!

Oh, dear. Frank, someone has Wayne Rooney on top of her tree. You heard. Oh. Yeah. I think that's okay. There's nothing funny about that. I'm just trying to process it.

It's a child's toy, isn't it? Yeah, my friend has Wayne Rooney on top of her tree. It's a mask belonging to her son. Oh, I thought it was a Curious George thing she'd mistaken. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I think now we should talk about the behaviour of Shane Trench. I'm a school. Michael Winner. I mean, I'm going to read here. It says, a beast man with addiction to Coca-Cola downed 40 cans a day.

He was a chip shop manager and he drank so many of those he became... 40 cans of fat Coke, as they call it. 13 litres of Coke daily. Yep. Which he used to wash down

fish and chips which she ate for breakfast lunch and dinner now I like sorry to interrupt but I like a wash down with

which you don't get much outside of the bean hoe to be honest wash down with I don't really like to wash down my fish and chips

with sugary drinks because I see them as being kind of you know in contrast to the savoury of the fish and chips. I find if you have cold drinks at all with fish and chips,

you get like, you feel like candle wax on the inside of the mouth. Right, yeah. Frank doesn't like to drink beverages with food. No. Just so everyone knows. Fascinating fact about Frank.

Fascinating fact watch. Yeah. You know, it was amazing. Fascinating Frank fact. Just hold this thought, you guys out there. knows fascinating fact about frank fact watch yeah you know fascinating frank fact just just hold this thought you guys out there when christmas lunch look at your glass of water after the cobbler's twigs with that film of turkey fat on the top and then tell me i'm wrong yeah anyway he switched to um the sugar-free version of so Zero. So what was the white thing? This has got a happy ending, by the way. Yeah.

He lost 11 stone. Respect. Yeah, he tipped the scales. That's what it says. Oh, of course he tipped the scales. Tipped the scales at 32 stone. If you did, if you were so big

you actually tipped the scale, to be found, to be found pinned down by Wayne's scales would be the most ironic of predicaments. But he was, you know, he's a big unit and now he's lost 11 stores. He's a eunuch. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I tell you what, I mean, in fairness to the people at Coca-Cola, if he was having fish and chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I don't think they can take the full brunt of the blame. Exactly. But he has, well, Donald Trump has 12 cans a day. Does he? He said in the Times today, yeah.

Really? Because he doesn't seem sort of irritable and sugar-crushy at all, does he? Lovely physique as well. They had a picture of, what's he called, Shane? Shane Trench, 21. They had a picture of, what's he called, Shane? Shane Trench, 21. They had a picture of Trencho. And he was, you know the famous big trousers picture that people have lost weight when they put their thumbs in

and show the big gap. And kick a leg out, maybe. Yeah. Well, if they're stable. He had the big old waist, didn't he? He had the previous trousers on, didn't he? Well, I don't know. The picture I saw of him,

he was just holding up a shirt, not the trousers. Which is quite creased, I noticed. So he's holding up a big... Well, you know my thing about height. Do I have a shirt? Come on. It's creased compared to how it used to be.

There wasn't a crease in it in the old days. It looked like one of those shirts that football crowds pass over their heads. Oh, yeah. But good on him, though. Losing 11 stone, that must take some... He said it just clicked one day. He said...

That would have been his spine. Well, I saw it like... It was like Archimedes in the bath. He just suddenly realised. He was like, why... Well, I bet his baths were noisy affairs. He just suddenly occurred to him, why am I having these wasteful calories?

I don't need these in my life. Is that what he thought? Yeah. No, but he switched to Coke Zero, didn't he? Yeah. He said, I've ditched the sugary drink. Do we think he said that? He used those words?

Did you say it's got less sugar, Coke Zero? I think it has zero sugar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, he could dry water. It's not for me to tell him out of his life. Well, that would be a zero. No, that's true. I mean, it's a pity for him there's no such thing as fish and chips zero.

What would that be? He'd just be drinking salt and vinegar out of his copped hands. Maybe a sprig of parsley. What would that be? Just be drinking salt and vinegar out of his copped hands. Yum. Maybe a sprig of parsley. That'd be horrible, wouldn't it? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, you're talking about this, well, he's not Diet Coke, Coke Zero, not paid for character. Yeah. How many cans a day was it? 40 he was drinking. That was Big Coke. That was Big Coke. I don't know if he's still on. Okay. So I had another, I'm going to call it excessive behaviour news.

Okay. Because I like to knit things together neatly. And I saw this Netflix story. Did you see this? Are you familiar with Netflix, Frank? The content streaming service I believe they're called. I don't. I think we might be on the verge of getting it. Good for you.

Yeah, sort of accidentally. This is like when I got a Betamax. That was a video. That is a shame. I was looking baffled. Technically superior to VHS apparently but not... Late review.

Didn't catch on. He's a very popular figure on the S&M scene. Betamax. Betamax. People love him. So Netflix have been using their sort of data about how often people watch, because they obviously know exactly what you're watching and when,

and they've been using it for ad campaigns, which a bit controversial like east germany well exactly but they noted there were two that they used one was pirates of the caribbean someone had watched it every day 365 days wow in a year which is 365 times more than me yeah never seen any pirates of the caribbean never will, I've never seen... Never looking shocked. I don't want eyeliner and a stupid Cockney accent. Thank you. Do you not like injury?

I, um... I've got the, uh... I've got the box set of, um... What? Of Pirates of the Caribbean, and I've still never watched it. Oh, haven't you? I think I have as well.

Let's give it to some of these Australians. They're not coming for the jumper. I said there's a free Australian cricket jumper here at number one Golden Square. Imagine how many Australians are around here. Nobody's turned up. They're watching the cricket though, eh? It's over now.

How is it? The other one they watched is this B film. B movie? Yeah, B movie. B-double-E. Yeah. No, that's a good pun.

I think that's how the film began, actually. Oh, I just got it. Whoa. A little Greek and Greek. Yeah, I just got it. Oh, come on. Yeah, apparently Jerry Seinfeld

was discussing an idea that he had. Who was? Jerry Seinfeld. He just got it. Oh, come on. Apparently Jerry Seinfeld was discussing an idea that he had. Who was? Jerry Seinfeld. He's behind the film. It is his film. He's behind the film. And he said, oh, I'd like to do a film about bees called Bee Movie. And then it happened.

It all began at a dinner party chat, I think. Someone watched it 357 times. Yeah. Whoa. I've got a theory about that. Go on, then. Narcoleptic. Really?

I think they just woke up at the end of it 356 times and then finally got to the end of it. Well, they found the person now, haven't they? Oh, have they? It's a child, presumably. It's a mother putting it on for a baby. She said her baby son Jackson, spelt with an X, no judgement, she said no other movie works.

It is the only thing that will calm him down. When you say baby, how are we talking? I've yet to find out that information. I think he would probably be under toddler age, though. It's Frank's surprise you're getting a bit forensic here. Yeah, I quite like that. I quite like that I quite like that I wonder if he really

what he wants is another film and another film and another film and it's just I'll just put that I can't be bothered to go through that

yeah yeah it's um I tell you what I'm fascinated by the fact they have the statistical things because I would say

how many times you've watched a film that you really like is one of the most lied about things in Western society. I mean, I love Independence Day. And I've probably... If you said to me how many times you've seen it,

I'd say I've seen it about 12 times. And how many times have you... I've probably seen it seven times. Right. But why do I do that? You've gone for nearly double there. Why? Because what I'm doing is, I'm not telling you how many times I saw it,

I'm telling you that I liked it. Yeah. But more than that, I'm telling you the kind of person I am. Right. That's what I'm doing. If you've ever read any questionnaires with celebrities, they never answer real questions.

When you say, like, what's your favourite record? Of course, it's going to be Kanye West or something. It isn't really. Yeah. It's probably Mario Lanza, but they're not... Well, in my case, it is,

and I would be honest about that, I think it's probably Falco Amadeus. Hmm. I'm sorry about that, but I love that song. I like the Austrian, the slightly sneery attitude

he has in it. Yeah. Frankie's ten months old, Jackson. Okay. So he doesn't have much saying while he's watching.. Yeah. Frankie's ten months old, Jackson. OK. So he doesn't have much saying while he's watching. No. I mean, in my opinion, he shouldn't be watching the telly at ten months old,

but we're all different. Ten months old and he's seen Bee Movie 357 times. That's more than once a day, isn't it? That's a lot. If I was Rita Ora... Yeah. This is a poem I've written. If I was Rita Ora... Yeah. This is a poem I've written. If I was Rita Ora and the inevitable movie of my latest tour comes out,

I would call it Horror Movie. Oh, lovely. She's got to do that, surely. Very good. More or less. Yeah. But now I'm worried about this kid. You've just been to so many good ideas, Frank.

Why are you worried about Jackson? Yeah, I'm worried about this kid. There's so many good ideas, Frank. Why are you worried about Jackson? Oh, come on. Yeah, I'm worried about Jackson. Same film every day. Yeah, he's... Well, she's exaggerating. If she's going to do that, she should put Groundhog Day on for him at least.

I don't like... Screen time's a very dangerous thing for kids. I always say, if you show a kid, I don't know, your iPad or iPhone or something, in order to calm them down, you cease to be a parent and become a serial killer production line. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 308 has texted, Hi Frank, talking about wardrobe malfunctions, have you ever been to Cornwall? I passed a road sign on my way home from work. I wish it had ended there. Might be the greatest text ever.

I pass a road sign on my way home from work every day that points the way to Skinner's Bottom. Oh. That's from Andy. Have we all done? There'll be a time, of course, I'll probably need that for the carer. That's a great Arsene Wenger I don't know

what made me think of that he had a great quote from him and they asked him about why Man City was doing so well you know

Arsenal had this season when they didn't lose any games and he said well we had we had ideas but they have petrol and ideas

oh and come on he meant like the money and also He said, well, we had ideas, but they have petrol and ideas. Oh. Oh, come on. And he meant like the money and also the... Yeah. I think I'm going to use... I'm having that, I thought. Arson. Petrol and ideas.

Arson won't mind. Petrol and arson, that sounds like... It does sound like it goes together. No, I... On this thing about the indulgence in watching things loads of times, Kath went to Cardiff with Buzz on Wednesday afternoon. And that night, I went to the screening of the Doctor Who special. I got in, I watched Match of the Day,

and then I went to bed and watched two episodes of Spearhead from Space, a John Pertwee episode from the 70s. And I think that's what my life would be like if I was a single man. Brilliant, actually. And could I have fish and chips at breakfast, lunch and dinner? I could do it for about five days. Wash down with Coca-Cola. I know I can wash it down with Coca-Cola.

Tea? I think you'd get bored of the sugary drink. Yeah. Yeah, I've never been there. But not the Doctor Who. I've never been there. I wouldn't mind any Driss ginger beer. Oh, yeah.

But anyway. I know, is it shandy they do? I heard that Brickick's in trouble. You haven't. Yeah? After the shocking news about BHS last week. Britvick though. Is it in trouble? Yeah

Britvick's in trouble. I don't want to start a rush but that's what I've heard. What kind of trouble perchance? I think fiscal. Fiscal problems for Britvick. I don't think you've ever closed the show on financial news. It's one of those strains. It's my New Year's resolution.

Great. Weird. Hang on. You're not going to do the Dow Jones Index? No. I think we should just end the show with what companies are in a little bit of trouble. So, look, we are actually breaking for Christmas, but the show isn't. So for the next two weeks, from 8 o'clock till 11 on a Saturday morning,

it is the best of 2017 shows, which I have to say, you can imagine. I mean, this is, in its own right, is amazing. But the greatest hits, I mean, it's relentless mirth. You take the patchy bits out and it really works. Yes. Yes. It's the ballet look this year. That's what the dermatologists are, Michael Jackson.

Now, thank you so much. And have a beautiful Yuletide, and be nice to each other. So, look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, but in greatest hits form. Get out! You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Get out!