The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Parenthesis

Episode Date: March 4, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel and asks the readers for their favourite songs with parenthesis. The team talk the Oscars blunder, Em's ladies night out and great obscure part-works.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with my virtual boyfriend and girlfriend, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, you can email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. Yeah. On to Webby. Play the Webby, Joey.

Just interested in our changing roles. Extraordinary. It seems I've now got a lot more on than I initially anticipated. I don't think that was brokered in my contract, but anyway. Well, it's lovely to be with you both again. And Alan is wearing a Paisley scarf. Oh, yeah, I haven't taken my scarf off yet. I don't think that's gone unnoticed, my friend.

No, it's very... I'm not one of those people that wears a scarf indoors, but it's just a bit chilly, isn't it? It's very odd. David Essex on top of the Pops, 1974. I'll give you that. Yeah. I'll give you that.

I think he... I like the scarf, but I don't really wear a scarf indoors. I was just chilly. Well, I believe... Shall I remove it? Is it distracting? No I don't really wear a scarf indoors. I was just chilly. Shall I remove it? No, don't remove it. I like a bit of... No, I love it when someone's about to solve crimes in Norway, which is what you look like, in a good way.

You know, people already want a photograph of the scarf for social media. Remember when radio used to be an audio medium? No, people want a bit of... Every radio website, there's a bit of VT footage, photos. It's all got to go. We've had so many visual aids

this morning sent in on the Twitters, Frank. We've had so many pictures of cats, because on your other project, Room 101, you and Lawrence Fox, your man crush, Lawrence Fox, I believe, put cats into Room 101, you and Lawrence Fox, your man crush, Lawrence Fox, I believe, put cats into Room 101. Is that correct?

Yes. Well, that hasn't gone well. That's all I'm saying. People are very upset. I did worry if he might get a little bit of flack. The cat fans. A lot of male celebrities do. These cigarettes are getting worse.

Oh, dear. And we had a picture sent in. Holly Sellers says, Who knew? Which is the new Frank Skinner phrase after the Brits last week when he said, Little mix, who knew? Yeah.

Who knew that when all the coins are put together, they make the one pound shield? I didn't. Mind blown. Now, what this is, if you put 10p, 2p, 5p, 1p, 20p and 50p, all in a sort of shield shape. Yeah. The sections of the...

Oh, it's too complicated to explain. I understand it. What you're saying is the coins of the realm are jigsaw pieces. Yes. Oh, lovely. I knew you'd do it, of the realm are jigsaw pieces. Yes, oh, lovely. I knew you'd do it, Frank. Yeah. I didn't know.

Who knew? I did not know that. I'm going to show you the visual aid. It's extraordinary. The trouble is I no longer keep the brass end of coins. I just throw them away, discard them. I throw them at, well, passing vehicles. You mean in your pocket? What do you no longer have in your pocket? Pennies and tomsies, well, passing vehicles. You mean in your pocket?

What do you no longer have in your pocket? Pennies and toms, he said. He doesn't need that kind of money. What do you use them for? Well, I thought you were going to then go into a brass pocket, but you didn't. Oh, that's a shame. How do you ever do that when I'm walking away from a cash point?

It was a nice attempt at a set-up, though. I know. No, thanks for teeing me up there. I missed it completely. We were all taken up the shard last night. Yeah. In no particular order. We were. And it was

splendid. It was very nice. Très bon. But I'll tell you what it was not, was a posh Chinese restaurant, which is what I had been led to believe I was going to. Yes, I thought it was a Chinese restaurant. And my first moment of thinking, this is what I had been led to believe I was going to. Yes, I thought it was a Chinese restaurant. And my first moment of thinking, this is an unusual Chinese restaurant was when there was bread rolls and

butter on the table, which I've never encountered in a Chinese in all my life. And I thought, I don't think this is a Chinese. A whole loaf of bread out. There's a loaf. Do they do bread, the Chinese? No. No. Don't like the bread? No. Okay. Carbs from rice, innit?

Oh, they do the rice. They do the rice, yeah. I love a bit of rice, the Chinese, but I thought, you know, I like a bit of rice, but I don't mind a bit of bread as well. You don't have to just, you don't have to pick one. They've picked. The carbohydrate thing, it's not multiple choice. You don't have to just pick one and stick with it.

But what there was nothing, there was no rice last night was there? It wasn't a Chinese. No. That's how we know. So that's, I don't know if I'm describing a meal by what there wasn't. No pasta. It's good. I'm not complaining. I very much enjoyed it. No, no not complaining for a second. I very much enjoyed it. It was

it was one of those places where the portions are not as a man who's losing weight at the moment, deliberately, you know, you don't want a big portion. And they were... I mean, when the fish... The fish, there was a... We ordered the fish.

I ordered the fish. It was... If you'd wanted to take it home, if you'd have said, can I take two of these home in a doggy bag? A doggy bag. you'd have said, can I take two of these home in a doggy bag? They'd have bought you, doggy bank I think is on the shipping forecast. If you said, I want to take two of these home in a doggy bag,

they could bring you a Twix wrapper. Yeah. Because they were fish fingers, essentially. Yes. They were lovely. High-end fish fingers. What about my 63-degree egg? Oh. 63 degrees?

What about it? It was called 63-degree egg. Yeah. Was it nice? Oh, it was absolutely 63 degrees. Why was it called a 63-degree egg? Because that's the temperature at which it was cooked at. Oh, Pete, for goodness sake.

But as Al said, they didn't have any third-degree buns. No. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, it was one of those. Do they still call it sort of cordon bleu cooking? That seems to have disappeared as a phrase. Yeah, and there was Nouvelle Cuisine. Do you remember that?

Oh, yeah. Both of them much mocked. They were in sort of sitcoms, weren't they, as if it was like a terrible thing, like, cardon bleu. Well, I noticed that Charlie, our producer, actually left a bit of lamb last night. Did he?

He did. And the portions are so small, I don't think anyone had ever, because he said, Madame, you're... And I bet they got in the kitchen and said, where are we going to put this? There's no bin. No bin.

Nobody ever leaves anything. I know. So that was very radical, leaving a bit of lamb. She was right next to me and I said, what, that's going back? You could have spoken up earlier. You didn't want that. I'd have had it.

Although I was in the Mercure Hotel in Sheffield this week. Right. Just to give you the flip side of my life, and I went down to breakfast and there was, incredibly as it was Sheffield, I have never seen so much cutlery as a place setting in my life. There was like three knives, two forks, two spoons, and it is just Sheffield, they have such an abundance of cutlery Yeah, it's all left in the back, they might as well use it

When I said to the waitress, I said you can tell it's Sheffield and she said, yeah That was probably the highlight of my stay at the Mercure The Hotel Mercure in Sheffield. So it was a lovely night. It was. There was a bit where we started showing pictures from our phones,

which is also always a sign that the evening is going down the lavatory, I always think. It's a general symbol. The lavatories were extraordinary last night. Oh, yes. Only photograph I took, the view from the urinal. We don't want to know about that. Honestly. It's the only photograph. Yeah, yes. Only photograph I took, the view from the Urine.

We don't want to know about that. Honestly. It's the only photograph. Yeah, what's the name of that bloke again? Arthur Miller. They did, I thought they handled, the restaurant this is, the please leave now, very elegantly. Yes.

Because we had an early booking, didn't we? We did. And they suddenly said to us, Madame, sir, would you like to make your way through to the lounge? Yes, why don't you move to the lounge for coffee? And, Frank, I looked at the lounge. I thought it looked so inviting, that lounge. Yeah, you know what?

I will go to that lounge. I will go. Don't push. Stop pushing me. I'm going. That's what a great idea. And then, of course, we sat in the lounge. I mean, it took took what, four seconds

for that table to be, you know the people waiting It was one of the most diplomatic kicks up the behind I've ever had in my life It was beautifully done It's a great skill to be able to move people about

A comedian said to me very early on I don't know if i should name him when i started he said uh when people he said i learned my technique from the parish priest he said that when you shake someone's hand put your other hand on their shoulder and just move just keep moving them along the conveyor belt and uh he had an element of that, the maitre d', the majordomo. Is that the same thing, a maitre d' and a majordomo? Hey, 12.15, guys, come on! Let's hear those brains ticking this morning on Absolute Radio,

where real music matters. You said it! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. So, incredibly incredibly last night's dinner was a birthday celebration. My birthday was 28th of January. You've been really

stretching it out, haven't you? It's like the Pope's Year of Mercy. It's going on. I had, you know the Pope's Year of Mercy? No's going on. I had, you know, Pope's Year of Mercy. No. Google it. And I had a birthday dinner last Sunday. Did you? With

David Baddiel and Moana Banks. He took me out. Nice. I could see, because I've lost a lot of weight, he looked at me and I could see he was thinking I've landed on my feet here. I actually, I went for it. And then a meal last night,

and I've had two gifts this week, two birthday gifts. Lovely. What are we talking, are we talking a month later? No, more than a month later. Yeah. I love it. I'm happy for it to go on all year. I was bought A Journey to the Western Isles of Scotland by Samuel Johnson.

I was going to say. Oh, I thought you'd been bought some tickets. Yeah, I know. And this was the 1775 edition. Wow. You know, when they have all the, when they have like Fs instead of Ss. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. I don't, why is that? I Oh, I like that. I don't.

Why is that? I think I used to know and I don't know anymore. I'm not sure. Because they've got Ss. Yeah, they've got access to Ss. They only put Ss at the end of words, but if there's one in the middle, it'll say stuff like boffin-uffs instead of business.

Yes. That's a very fine present, though. Oh, brilliant. Good gift To hold something that someone from the 18th century has held I mean I often hold something That something from the 20th century Something from the 20th century has held

We've put up some of the food by the way From last night onto the social media We've put up food pictures Yes I'm afraid And already Coco has been in touch to say What's that meal supposed to be called And what are the contents of it? OK.

Well, Frank calls it the Star Wars Village. There is one that looks like the Star Wars Villages that get attacked by people like Darth Maul. You know, they live in like, they're sort of adobe towns, but they're slightly space-age. It was very grammable, wasn't it? Really? Yeah. So grammable, that meal.

What about how excited I got when we'd ordered dessert and then out came pre-dessert and he said, this is your pre-dessert and explained what it was. We had an amuse-bouche. Well, you don't want a big climb up to dessert. You want a ramp. Pre-dessert, brilliant.

I mean, normally my pre-dessert is a savoury, like a main course. That's a pre-dessert in real money, innit? But this was not a main course. Tell me about it. I am. Be a good thing for a chat show host to... Tell me about it.

Good catchphrase. Be a good title. Frank Skinner's Tell Me About It. Oh, that'd be brilliant. In which he listens to people telling him about stuff. Yeah, I hear you've got a film out, Tell Me About It. Yeah. That sort of thing.

No, you've got a film out, Emma. So? And the crowd all get, Tell Me About It. Yay! And then they tell you about it. That sounds good, right? And that's just your catchphrase all the time. People stop you in the street. Oh, no, you don't say it to people in the street in case they do stop to tell you about it. No, they will tell you about it. That sounds good, right? And that's just your catchphrase all the time. People stop you in the street.

Oh, no, you don't say to people in the street in case they do stop to tell you about it. No, they will tell you about it. It also bends on the it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, if it's an operation on some sort of gland, I don't tell you.

You could have don't tell me about it as a sort of a... Like a rebuttal. Don't in parentheses like you get song titles do they still do parentheses in song titles?

oh surely they do brackets, Steve they're mean brackets, don't bother googling it yeah yeah I wonder what about that for a text in what's your favorite song title with parentheses yeah how many people get four what's your can you think i don't know i'm trying to think now um i don't know isn't saturday nights all right and then is it brackets for fighting

yeah maybe maybe he's planning to bring out several singles about things that Saturday night was all right for. This is a good texting. And after the fighting one, you can never tell a good texting. Who knows what might rouse the beast? Certainly at my age. Frank Skinner on the radio. So we were talking about the parentheses, stroke, brackets.

I think we're on. Songs, yeah. Parentheses, open brackets, brackets, close brackets. Phenomenal. Yeah. And what's your favourite song title? I think we've had a few. We've had loads.

We have Emily. That's not one. Emma, Emma, Emily by Hot Chocolate. We've got What's the Story one. Emily by hot chocolate. We've got, what's the story, morning glory, Oasis. Which bit is up? What's the story is in parentheses. What's the story is in brackets. Yeah.

Yes. Parentheses. And Sarah in Leytonstone has texted saying, don't you, brackets, forget about me, close brackets. Which ironically I had forgotten about. But then she goes on, brackets, Sarah, bracket, in Leytonstone, close brackets, bracket, long time reader, first time writer, close bracket, close bracket. She's done two close brackets. She's taken the joke and ran with it and I like it.

If only it had been from Hingham, bracket. it had been from Indian Bracket. I don't understand. When you actually stop to think about it, why on earth would you have brackets in a song title? It's extraordinary, isn't it? Just a bit of fun. Just a bit of fun. Yeah, but no one's ever, until now, I'm not really,

I mean, someone will say to me, well, actually, there is a Facebook page called Brackets in Song Titles. Yeah, there's everything on the internet. Yeah. But it does suggest that maybe they should have gone back to the drawing board and done a bit more editing. Well, what about they just, so it's called Don't You,

and then brackets for it. What about they just say, let's call it Don't You? Yeah. And then some exec said, oh, I'm a bit worried, you see, that the hook is forget about me. Could we get it in there, but maybe in some sort of secondary capacity? Yeah. I suppose I could put it in parentheses.

It's a deal. Margaret from South Norwood has said wishing, and then in brackets, if I had a photograph of you, block of seagulls. I don't know that. That doesn't sound like a sentence, wishing if I had a photograph of you. Oh, I do know the song very well. Where does the if come in? I don't know that that doesn't sound like a sentence wishing if I had a photograph of you oh I do know the song very well where does the if come in

I don't know that song I'm not well I can sing it but I don't know what go on sing it if I had a photograph of you no no no don't come in there

I want to know where the if well I'm if I had but it doesn't there's lyrics don't go wishing if I had a photograph of you well then it's a

it's a false bracket. I'm sorry. Yes, I think it might be. It's a folly. It's the song title equivalent of a folly. Linda has texted, how about je t'aime brackets moi non plus. Oh, I forgot. Moi non plus.

I didn't even know the French had brackets. Whatever. I like moi non plus. Brocaille. Open brocaille. Everything I do,-plus. Broquet, broquet. Open broquet. Everything I do, I do it for you, Brian Adams. Where's the bracket in that? The girls are gasping here.

Everything I do is in brackets. Apparently it's called I do it for you. Why bother? So you're making a really long title. Well. We'll find that. You know what? I'll find all this out, the other words around the title.

When I listen to the song, you don't have to lead me in. 713 has texted, I think, the best grammatical use of brackets in a song title, Meet Love, I'll do anything for love, brackets, but I won't do that. Now, that is good grammar. Yeah. That's good.

Because it's added to the point and it is... I don't think it is. I don't think you'd begin a bracketed part of a sentence with bot. It's a conjunction. Meatloaf. Do I look to meatloaf for my English grammar? I do not. Imagine if you did.

Yeah. Imagine if meatloaf was your English teacher. Me at home. Meatloaf. Sorry to bother you again. I recently started a sentence with a preposition, I'm told. What do you think? Got there.

Yeah, I think he'd refer to that bracket thing as a bot out of hell. Frank Skinner on the radio. Seems like brackets are something of a thing. Yeah. Fake Plastic Gent says, Elton loves brackets in song titles. Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting. So I got that one right.

That's one of the few brackets I remember. And the bracket starts for fighting as well. And then So I got that one right. That's one of the few brackets I remember. And the bracket starts for fighting as well. And then we've got, and Rocketman. I think it's going to be a long, long time. That cannot be. What is why? Which bits in brackets? I don't understand. I think it's going to be a long, long time.

It's called Rocketman. I mean, can't they just... Is the comma not sufficient? It doesn't go next to it could just be the comma what's wrong with the comma again with Elton why bring it up

you've got this problem with him spoiler alert yeah I mean keep some mystery with the rocket man remember we had this before if I was a if I was a

if I was a sculptor sculptor then again no then again no well you know you've got a robber haven't you they'll bring it up if you decide against it. But this one, and I think it's going to be a long, long time.

That's ages away from the initial. Rocket Man. It ought to be. In brackets. I don't know what he's saying, but he's definitely. And very close to. Yeah. And I think it's going to be very close to... Yeah. And I think it's going to be a long, long time.

It's way down the line in Rocketman. Well, this is what happens with Flock of Seagull. That wishing aspect is just so far away. And actually, we've got another incidence of the double bracket. The Stranglers, 768, just pointed out, getter, close parenthesis, grip, open parenthesis, on yourself, close parenthesis, The Stranglers. So get a, and then grip is the only word. It's called grip.

Grip is the only non-bracketed word. Grip would have been fine as a title. Grip. Yeah. Yeah. I suppose. Dan Skipsy, I can't Get No Satisfaction. Oh, yes.

I Can't Get No is the bracket. Well, actually, we've had an email about exactly the same song. People might think, I'll bet this song's all about satisfaction. Yeah. But you see, that would be a nice surprise. I suppose I don't want people to think, well, my life's going well.

I'll buy this satisfaction song. I'll be able to empathise. Oh, turns out it's about somebody who can't get no satisfaction. There should have been some sort of warning about that. Did they think they were going to complain? Lynn and Phil have emailed saying that the bracket's around the I can't get no, so perhaps Mick was going to release a reprise where he did manage to be satisfied.

Lots of... Left one rolled over the pocket there. The next one is called Latest News On. Loads of. Further thoughts on. This is Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Also another double bracket alert from Andy Midwinter. The Beastie Boys. Brackets, you gotta... Is that Andy... Fight for your right. Brackets, to party.

Oh, yeah. So it's called just... It's just called Fight for Your Right. Andy... Open brackets, Midwinter. Andy will be sending us one a couple of weeks' time. Andy, open brackets, Spring. Are we bracketing ourselves

by just asking for song titles with brackets in should we be going for other punctuation then er well I think we don't see many a colon or a semi-colon

I haven't seen a colon since I gave up surgery of course you get your feet now don't you feet Rihanna yeah oh they like a feet

feet's the modern way isn't it I mean if you couldn't put in and I think Rocketman brackets and I think it's

going to be a long long time you should you could argue there's enough room for you ring and just say featuring

don't don't abbreviate Feet if you've got room for I think it's going to be a long long time anyway maybe we've... What I really want to know from someone is why this...

what this phenomenon's about. Elton, are you out there? I think it's going to be a long, long time if he is out there. It is before he replies. And let's hope it's not a voice message. It's been a long, long time. Thanks for calling, Elton, but I don't know what you're talking about. I know.

Yeah, so that's that. Tonight, by the way, I'm live on BBC One. Are you? On Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. A show where, if you remember, I became so desperate for laughs and comedy that I snogged Greg Davis. You did? I didn't see it, but I've heard about it oft.

Oh, I'll never forget that moment. This show, as you relive it. It's like the Ikea monkey. I chart the days to the anniversary of it. Well, it's like the Ikea bookcase that somebody might cling onto after a ship has gone down. It was like that. It was any sort of... bookcase that somebody might cling onto after a ship has gone down. It was like that.

It was any sort of... Is it flotsam that floats, isn't it? I believe so, yeah. Any flotsam you can get your hands on to keep you afloat. It was like that. So what's your role tonight? I'm a judge again. Wow. I'm going directly against the advice in Matthew's Gospel.

Which is what? Judge ye not for as ye judge, so shall ye be judged. Though I think one probably is judged as being whatever you are as a judge on this. The other judges are Catherine Ryan and Jo Brand. Oh, lovely. If I snog one of them, it's going to be a different dynamic. It's going to feel more like opportunism.

But I tell you what is interesting. Do we need to...? Have you got the fares? I'll tell you after the fares has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Well, it's the fares bracket has arrived. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 8-12-15. Lots of people have this morning, I'm happy to say. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What's the latest news on the brackets before I tell you all sorts of brackets coming in I think we are going to turn the heat down slightly on the brackets

I think so but what would you say was the chant number one I don't need this pressure on close brackets by Spandau Ballet were they going to write chant number two later that's from Karen which was actually pile on the pressure chant number two later? That's from Karen. Yeah, chant number one. Which was actually

pile on the pressure. Chant number one was I don't need this pressure on. I mean, yeah, it could have just been called chant number one. I think what he meant was if you call something chant number one, there is pressure on you to produce other chants. And that's what he meant. He wrote it and then

thought, you know, I don't need this pressure on. The whole thing got printed. I think that was a note to the meant. He wrote it and then thought, you know, I don't need this pressure on. Then the whole thing got printed. Oh, that's a shame. I think that was a note to the publishers. He was saying, I'm feeling pressured in the manner of the Mambo No. 5 composer. It's like when Jeremy Corbyn said... Mambo No. 6 was a nightmare. Do you remember when Jeremy Corbyn said,

strong message here during her speech, and he just read it off the autocue? I loved that. I think that's what's happened with chat number one. 387 has texted, also the group was brackets not was. Really? Was not was. I always thought there was not was,

but I didn't know there was brackets. And Stu has texted, this is possibly my favourite, can I just say there are no brackets in the text here? It says, you haven't mentioned wham, young guns go for it. There are brackets in there, but I can't get them in as I'm driving and Siri doesn't understand. What is it with Siri?

Well, I don't know, but I like the way Alan Cochran says wham in a very coasty young way. Oh, do they? Wham, young guns go for it. That was a good impression. Thank you very much, Al. young wee young guns go for it that was wow thank you very much Al I was saying that I'm

judging tonight yes you were saying one of my I don't think it's a dilemma because obviously I would be nothing would alter my actual judgement but one of the acts is from the Kiss FM breakfast Because obviously I would be, nothing would alter my actual judgment. But one of the acts is from the Kiss FM breakfast show.

Oh, really? Ricky and Melvin. Oh. Now. Rigged. You need to declare from the off. In case you don't know, you see, in our little building here, there are many radio stations, including Kiss, Magic, Planet Rock. Heat.

Heat, we've got. The Light Programme, I think we've got. Yeah. Radio Orwell. Yeah. Yeah, we've got lots of things. I think we've also got, I think, at least three local cab firms operating there. Yeah.

So I spent the night with Ricky at the Brit Awards. Lovely lad. Also did a nice review. So it's going to be difficult when I blow those out the water. But hopefully I won't have to. Oh, then what if they're great? Russell Grant is on. Is he? Russell Grant is on. Is he?

Russell Grant is on. Russell Grant. Of course, he'll already have come to terms with their final decision. Yes, he will. Probably last Tuesday or something. Who knows what's happening? Well, you know I'm a big fan of Russell's.

Oh, yeah, well, he's a big fan of yours, apparently. Yeah, he's a medium, but one would think he's at least an extra life oh dear oh dear but would I say I'm looking forward to it tonight? No Why not? Because I think it's

it's a bit like being funny through a portcullis on those kind of things., is it? But you know what I mean, it's for a good cause and I love watching people sing and dance more than anything. You do like that. And there'll be a lot of oversized T-shirts. What I need to remember is that thing that... And I think I'm the only comedian ever to say this

in any sort of broadcast form. It's not about me. No. broadcast for. It's not about me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We're getting a was not was news in. You know, we said that it was was

brackets not was. I wasn't convinced that was correct. Well, two different people have texted, but I'll read Gregor in Lewisham who says, morning team Ab Fab where real music matters. I believe the band is pronounced Waz, not was. Hence the not. Oh, I see.

That is all. Gone Waz. Gregor in Lewisham. So there you go. And Waz, I think, is the slang term for urination, is it not? Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. Can we check the absolute handbook?

I think you can take a look. I'll have a look. Some additional. I am so sorry, everyone we check the absolute handbook? I think you can check aloud at this time. I'll have a look. Some additional... I am so sorry, everyone. Why are you doing that? As long as you do immediate apologies. They advise Tinkle.

Oh, do they? Oh, are they? Was it compiled by Kenneth Williams, the absolute radio bloke? He did Blighton, apparently. Dr. Tinkle. One of my favourite characters ever on screen. Was that...

He says, was that shooting I heard or just a horse backfiring? Mr Fiddler. Topical comedy. 3-3-1 concurs. Was not was. Was so called because... Sorry, was not was.

Was not was. Was so called because Don's surname is pronounced to rhyme with jazz. Ah. Oh, so his name was Don Was. Don Was. Okay. There you go. It's, what an educational morning it's been.

Every day's a school day, as you like to say. We're having, okay, Dandy Man is similarly agreeing with all about this was not was. Yeah. Don Was. That's good to know. Was not was. I've called them was not was a million times. Me too.

Well, not a million. I think it's... I've got it. I think it'd be in my journal. So I think tonight, it'll be the first time I think I've been on television since I've lost quite a bit of weight. Oh, that'd be nice, Frank.

It's your debut as a thin person. The last time I lost the white, it was, yeah, it was all the terminal illness rumours. Start up. So I'm looking forward to that. He's just making it clear.

I'm well on the radio now. I think I'm well, but can any of us be sure? 8.12.15. There's a photographer who's got in touch with us, Frank. He says, hey, Alan, Craig here, your personal photographer. Where have you been? Oh.

Would you care to explain before I read the rest of this, or shall I read the rest of it? Craig's a good friend. I like him. OK, he has a question for Frank. I don't think that explains the personal photographer in brackets. I mean, if anyone here was going to have one... Yeah, it's surprising it's me, isn't it? Every time I shoot red carpet, I like that expression,

and Frank is on the list... That sounds like somebody talking about their relationships with celebrities. I shoot red carpet. Shot red carpet last night again. Who was it? Frank is on the list. He's always on his Todd. Why is he not using his plus one?

He's also never there at the end. Is he sneaking out? That would explain the no plus one. Well, my... Of course, my partner is sometimes my plus one and she does not like having a photograph taken so there's a lot of photos of me

looking off to the left going come on come on and her sulkily saying no so I don't know I don't really hang around, I don't do the after things too late for me 60, they should be glad I've turned up for the beginning But I don't really hang around. I don't do the after things. Too late for me. Yeah. 60.

They should be glad I've turned up for the beginning. It's too late. Yeah, it is. Well, there's your answer. It's not as rock and roll as you might have thought. I mean, I wouldn't trust a 60-year-old man on a nice carpet. Frank Skinner on the radio. You know what we haven't talked about? The biggest story in show business news ever, it seems.

It seems? Oscars blunder. Oh, yes. I speak as somebody who hosted a low-level awards do on Tuesday night. You'd never have made those kind of mistakes. Has there ever been less pressure on little nun TV comics hosting awards than there was this week?

Well there you go, every clown. Oh god brilliant. I'm looking forward to it because it's a new beginning for me because I host a lot of these sort of you know I'll give you a few examples I've hosted the Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathroom Awards. Oh Gary's a discount. I've hosted the Super Meat Bedroom and Bathroom Awards. Oh, Gary's a discount. I've hosted the Super Meat and Fish Awards.

You know, stuff like that. I need to go down. All of them, when you go there, they all say, and the audience are going to be really excited, this is the Oscars of our industry. They all say that. And so from now on, when they say that... The Kitchen, Bathroom and Bedroom Awards.

Is that a Jerry Hall thing where the wife is that? Oh, the maid, the perfect wife. It's for those people. Those women turn up while you're... No. Okay. It's a short answer to that, sadly. But yeah, I don't think they'll be wanting the Oscars

of their industry from now on, which is very exciting. They call everything the Oscars. Yeah. When I won the Perrier Award in 1991, I said, that's like a comedy Oscar, you know. Did you? Yeah. That's what you've won.

Have you won anything, Emily? I came joint eighth best joke at the Edinburgh Festival a couple of years ago. Well, I won. I didn't win it, but I was most Googled person on absolute radio. I think you can chalk that up as a win. That's a win.

Yeah, the rear of the year, which I believe they call the anal Oscar. Isn't that an operation? I'd love to see the trophy. No, you're right, though. It's the benchmark. It is. Don't blame me. And it's become considerably

lowered recently. For those of you that don't know, the wrong winner came up and the best film started speaking. They did two speeches. I believe he said, it's Moonlight, you guys won. I mean, I love

that Jordan. We should say he was the producer who took control in quite a manly way I thought because I've watched that footage so many times now I'd say about 43 times

you have not it's my Zapruder film I've watched Google it I've watched it so many times it's your one sorry Zapruder

what does that mean that was the footage of Kennedy it's called the Zapruder film oh we see I didn't know that it was taken by a man called called the Zapruder film. Oh, I didn't know that. It was taken by a man called Mr. Zapruder. Well, that all makes sense.

Anyway, I've watched it a lot of times now because it's just something so brilliant about it. It's so dark but yet everyone, there's a man who comes on, he knows they've lost and he thinks I'm going to make a speech anyway. Does he know they've lost? Yes, because you see when you watch it as forensically as I do he says, oh, we've lost and he thinks, I'm going to make a speech anyway. Oh, does he know they've lost?

Because you see, when you watch it as forensically as I do, he says, oh, we've lost, we've lost. And then he just takes to the stage and he thanks his wife and then he says, we lost, by the way, at the end. But there are two speeches before, I mean, I don't think they do know. And one of them talks about, I just think, you know, that this film, what I want is,

there should be more empathy in the world. And another guy think, you know, that this film, what I want is there should be more empathy in the world. And another guy says, you know, and more compassion. And I thought, well, here is your opportunity to put these two things to the practice almost immediately. Yes, yeah. It was absolutely marvellous, can I say that? Fade on away, went run away. She wasn't going to hang around, was she?

Well, the problem as well for what's he called? Warren Beatty. Warren Beatty, yeah, is that his most recent face that he's chosen is a smiley face. So even when it was clearly a disaster and he was partly responsible, and it looked like

he was responsible and all that, he still was smiling quite a lot. Like a happy emoji. They ought to be able to do a sort of a Wurzel Gummidge thing where they maybe just turn their head round for their unhappy face. That would be very useful for the Oscars, for even the people nominated. It's not like there's no people with facial surgery at the Oscars.

Yeah, exactly. So he looked like, you know, nothing flaps on Warren Beatty. The facial surgery at the Oscars. Yeah, exactly. No, he... So he looked like, you know, well, nothing flaps on Warren Beatty. But, of course, inside he was dying, Warren. Well, he grabbed the mic at the end and said, can I speak? Can I speak? He wanted to clear his name.

I mean, and then he said, I wasn't trying to be funny. Yeah. We know. We know, Warren. It's not what you're known for. Well, is this the problem is this a problem that that wouldn't have happened arguably to you too because you're slightly more used to thinking on your feet let's say so if you're used to reading out other people's words for a living you just

read it out you don't question it so much it's's just an argument. He did question it a bit, yeah. I like to think that if it said, winner of best film, Emma Stone, La La Land, that I might have thought, oh, is that right? Why single her out? Unless she was in brackets, obviously. I mean, the first mistake of the night is that she was announced as Emma 6.35 kilograms.

I don't know if you noticed that. The French translation. Excellent.'t know if you noticed that. The French translation. Excellent. I was quite pleased with that. She said something after it where she said, I was holding my best actress card the whole time, so whatever story you heard, I don't know what happened, but I wanted to tell you that.

She got defensive. They all got very defensive. Everyone, it wasn't me. She broke into it wasn't me. They all got very defensive. Everyone, it wasn't me. Yeah. She broke into it wasn't me.

What about if Warren Beatty had sang Shaggy's It Wasn't Me? That would have been a class act. He should have just said, can I say something? It wasn't me. I think it would have gone from biggest Oscars blunder to best Oscars ever with that one moment. The trouble is, if he'd have done the voice and all the Moonlight people would have done it. Imagine the full set-up. Honey came in and she caught voice on all the Moonlight People, I would have liked that. Imagine the full set of Honey Came

In And She Caught Me Red-Handed. I mean, I would have laughed. Oh, man. But it was, to me, it's the best thing that's ever happened at the Oscars, not the worst thing. Me too. As many fools seem to think it's the worst thing. How can they think that? Yeah. Absolutely

marvellous. I really, I agree. I mean, I've never, I haven't felt that excited behind an awards ceremony. You know what? I can still feel a bit of the afterglow. Frank Skinner on the radio. So it's all apparently down to accountant Brian,

is it Coolean? Cullian? Brian Cullinan. Cullinan? I believe Cullian? Brian Cullinan. Cullinan? I believe. I think it's Cullinan. He works for PricewaterhouseCoopers. I think he did.

He did. I'm not sure. They haven't actually sacked him from the company. They've sacked him from the Academy Awards, I believe. Yeah, I think that's probably. Because he tweeted, he was tweeting a picture of Emma Stone, wasn't he, during the handover? Well, I did something of a Hesley Wainscrop investigates.

Oh, did you? Did you wear the tweet? I did. I looked at all the timings and I can exclusively reveal... I love this. ..that, oh, I'm obsessed. I've done nothing else all week. He was tweeting, he put the picture up at 9.05pm.

Right. Or 9.05pm. Right. Or 9.03, I believe. Yes. Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway take to the stage at 9.05 and announce Best Picture winner. Where is Brian? For seven minutes, he is missing. That is because he's scrolling through his Twitter feed

to see the response to his posting of the Emma Stone picture he put up. Thank you. Your witness. Can we say excellent detective work? It is, really. So he should really be fired? Yeah, I mean, I don't think he should even have got the gig anyway. He's an accountant.

What was he doing there? He's not showbiz. You need someone from the post office working in the envelope and cards business. But if he is, if they are going to have an accountant, it should be a numbers guy. There should be celebrities walking past feeling slightly annoyed that a civilian hasn't double glanced at them.

But he should be going, I love numbers, I love counting, don't care about... Rain Man is who they really want back there to check that everything's right. I'm an excellent driver. Yeah, I don't think he should be sacked, though, want back there to check that everything's right I'm an excellent driver Yeah I don't think he should be sacked though as I say providing

one of the great No I mean obviously I'm his biggest fan right now, I love his work I wish he was involved every year Wasn't there a woman involved as well? Yes there was Martha Ruiz I believe her name is. You're right,

we should name and shame both of them. She comes on stage at the same time and you see them both, I mean, I do advise if you have a spare few hours this weekend, look at his reaction, watch his reaction,

Brian, whilst everyone's milling on stage because he knows he's a guilty man. And he looks very sweaty. Oh, wow. action Brian whilst everyone's milling on stage because he knows he's a guilty man and he looks very sweaty oh wow awful moment you know last year when they said the Oscars were too white and a lot of brilliant

black films and performances by black actors have been ignored so this represents I would say progress, moonlighting in the best film but they didn't have to hammer it home by at first giving it to a bunch of white people and then physically taking it away from them. We get the idea, we get the sense.

The symbolism. Yeah, we got that this is an important moment. You don't have to really crucify somebody. Maybe that's what it was about. I'll tell you something, if someone says Russell Grant is the winner tonight and he isn't, watch out. Wouldn't want to be there.

I mean, they did seem to take it very well. They did. The Moonlight Lot. They did. They did it very well. Well, it's interesting because this Jordan character, who's the producer of La La Land, is being hailed as something of a hero on the internet

because he sees the moment and was truthful. Yes. Everyone else was milling about and he dealt with it very well. I mean, I think that La La Land is disrespectful to people who stammer. Yes. So I'm glad that didn't win. Well done. I thought we'd gone beyond those jokes, you know?

Finally, someone said it. I mean, if the other one had been called Murmur Moonlight, it would have been just as bad. It's right across the board, that kind of thing. Did anyone actually... What I like is when they come on, these actors who are all brilliant actors, and, you know, they can make you laugh, they can make you cry,

and then they come on and read as badly from an autocue as anyone's ever read. Yeah, strange, isn't it? And they have to, they always use that phrase, the motion picture industry, which always begs me, is that, just think about what you're saying, the motion picture industry stands at the most basic, it's like a telegram has arrived explaining what film is.

That is... Well, the thing is, if you were forced to say that, I think you would probably stop mid-sentence and question that you were having to say the motion picture industry. Well, Warren Beatty wouldn't. No. Just carry straight on. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Alanis Morissette I love her Do you? Good I remember there's something very special about the distance from the bottom of her nose

to the beginning of her mouth You like that? It's just a little bit longer than normal I still remember if I look now I might find it. You know, the memory plays tricks. But it looked like a bit of a journey.

Looks like someone who could be a bit reckless with a runny nose. It's like a philtrum. More time, more time than most with a runny nose. Well, I know you were a fan of Robert McGarvey's philtrum. I didn't know he had a rival in your affections. I call him Bob. We're all different. This could be the next brackets texting.

If you've got a crush on a very specific part of a celebrity... No, we're better not. I don't like that. It could end badly. Too much? Fair enough. Martha Carney, who works for Radio 4, let's call it a rival channel.

Yes. Because everyone was saying that the great thing about Ryan Gosling, of course, he's probably one of the most loved men on the planet at the moment. I'm an animal man. He seemed to find the whole thing funny on stage, even though his film had had the Oscar roughly torn away. But she said, well, I saw him after waiting for a limo

and he had a face like thunder. Oh. And I thought, don't people do... The amount of times people have said to me, come on, cheer up, Frank. Oh, yeah. Whereas if I walk down the road smiling, people would say,

Frank, have you got a mental illness problem? It's impossible to win. So three hours later He might have looked a bit fed up So he was upset about losing best film after all Come on Carney You're working for Radio 4 Give us the facts

He might have just had his least comfy dress shoes on And three hours later He said these are right pinching me Or maybe people were scrutinising him in a somewhat invasive fashion, which is why he was looking a bit glum. Who's that one with the big scarf? Jenny Murray.

Jenny Murray. All the women at Radio 4 wear big scarves. Do they? Is that a rule? Who's that one with the big scarf staring at me? I've got nothing against a big scarf. Or a big piece of statement jewellery. What would a big... A piece of jade, maybe. The only thing.... Or a big piece of statement jewellery. What would it be?

A piece of jade, maybe. The only thing... Yeah, a nice piece of jade. Yeah, they love a piece of jade. I tell you what, the one thing that would have made it more perfect for me is in the midst of all the La La Land celebrations, they'd just cut to the far end of the stage

and there was a linesman standing with his flag raised. Because I always love that when a footballer goes on a big celebration and then suddenly realises that the flag is raised. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

It did remind me of when I when I introduced Joe Wilkinson as Jack Whitehall. Oh, no. What, at a live gig or a television event? At a big live gig in the West End. Oh. That was pretty bad. So what happened?

Not that I wish you to relive it, but what happened? Well, Joe Wilkinson, this very nice man, came on and said, it's actually Joe Wilkinson to me. Like, it was... And they're quite, you know, they're bad standards. They look like, I suppose Joe looks like if Jack Whitehall had been cast to drift

on a desert island for six months. Yes. They're both beardy, man, aren't they? They are, but there is the beard in control and the beard out of control. But yeah, I felt bad about it, I have to say. What about my workplace mistake last year? I think I

mentioned it when I was on a music festival and I was doing my stand-up and then I heard a band playing from an adjacent tent and I went I know this band, who's this? And somebody said it's Bombay Bicycle Club and I went they're really good, why are you all watching this? And two thirds of the audience got

up and left to watch this. A bit of a workplace gaffe, I think. Oh, dear. Yeah, it's... I remember when we had... I think the worst one on this show was when we had David Essex on. What happened then? And the producer said, he's got an album out,

you're going to play a track for him. I said, no, he'll be fine with that. It's not the sort of stuff we play on. Absolute. He won't mind. That was wrong. It turned out that was very wrong. Yeah, he minded.

Looking back, I mean, it was a faux pas. Yeah. And then some. Hold me close. Don't let me go, brackets. I don't know if they're brackets. I think he was going to hold me close. It was by the larynx. That's what, which is probably my favourite

Dr Seuss character, the larynx. Yeah, I like him. On another note, did you hear the advert earlier for you can get all the Beatles vinyl albums in a, like they come out weekly with a magazine. You know that thing, the weekly magazine?

Yeah. Oh, yes. I did not know that. There's only, there's two names that are immediate. I don't know if it's anything to do with them. But when I say to you that the sort of part, what do they call it? They call it the part something.

Part work. Part work. Yeah. What two words bring to mind when I say that? For me, it's Marshall Cavendish. They seem to be behind almost.

Oh, are they? Okay, I like that. I think it might be interesting texting. What's the most unusual part work you've heard? Because I think the Beatles vinyl collection is quite an original idea, but I remember one called Victorian Delivery Vehicles. And it was a different one every week

and with a magazine accompanying telling you about that particular... I loved that. Calonetics, I was a big fan of that. Was that one? Yeah. Back in the day, back in the 80s, Calonetics. So what's your favourite obscure part work?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio, with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 812 15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We've been asking people to text in, Frank, their memories of part works. Yes. Great, obscure part works. Anna Wright has tweeted, I ordered the DVD of Calinetics some years ago, which was a spin-off of the Calinetics years ago, which was a spin-off of the Calenetics artwork.

A spin-off from the part work. Which was by... So it was an exercise, and this was devised, the brainchild of Cal and Pinckney. Yes, but I remember I stopped doing it by going, Oh, no, me nah want nah more Pinckney. Now, I... Oh, goodness me.

The original exercise is calisthenics, isn't it? That's what they do. Calisthenics, is it? I don't know. I thought it is calisthenics, isn't it? That's what they do. Calisthenics, is it? I don't know. I thought it was calisthenics. Let's call the whole thing calambest. Now, that's an exercise I do. Yes.

You get me? But he's pond. He's used his first name to make it calenetics. What I like about the strapline of the part work is that it says the astonishing. I mean, you don't get that often these days, that word, very 70s, the astonishing deep muscle exercise

that gives you a perfect figure. Sounds good. Lovely. See, these days you couldn't market it as perfect. You couldn't say figure? No. Well, that's by nature saying that my figure is imperfect. You can't say it. What about being in Callan's house and when the phone goes,

Callan, it's for you. Yeah, all right, all right. Hello. Yes, Callan picked me up. Oh. Oh, and they say, we've decided to pick up your part work. You start next Tuesday

and the first one, you know, they always do that thing of the first one's quite cheap. Yeah. So you buy it. Oh, yeah. They know you're in. The next one's quite cheap so you buy it oh yeah they lure you in the next one's £10.99 excellent

any other part work? Phil in Rickling has said D Agostini do the majority of part works more than Marshall Cavendish I think you claimed

it was Marshall Cavendish he then adds my favourite was Bill's chief sitting bull I mean I was waiting all my life for that part work my favourite was Bill's chief sitting bull. I mean, I was waiting all my life for that part work. I wonder what order did they do it.

I think you'd start with the moccasins, wouldn't you? Week one, moccasins. Because I think what you're really looking forward to is that at the end you can say, bring on the feathers. Yes. That is the final part work. What was he made of? A load of bull I think.

I don't know. So was it like a cardboard construction? Well I hope it wasn't papier-mâché or something that would have been very messy. I suppose it must have been. You must have got cardboard parts so you got like maybe say, maybe four sections that locked together for the...

But that makes him slightly Metal Mickey. I mean, I always thought of Chief Sitting Bull as quite a round figure. But what about the other week? Do you remember I thought about the English Bull Terrier looked like one of those heads that you used to make out of cardboard. I made Henry VIII off the back of a cereal packet.

Oh. And he was... Luckily, they chose a good head to do because his head is block like you don't want an egg I do want an egg you don't want a head where it's a sort of

jowly globular face you can't reproduce that with cardboard be sensible but I'd love I'd like to build. How big was Sitting Bull? More details, please. We've had various missives from the outside world.

We were talking about part works, weren't we? And 299 has texted, when I was young, I grew up in Australia, there was a serial killer magazine that used for 12 weeks to give away two Top Trump style cards with serial killers in their status. Extraordinary.

It's a different world over there, isn't it? I seem to remember one called Murder. Oh, there were a lot of crime part words. Ian Angle has said in response to your, you were talking about Henry VIII, your mate, your own Henry VIII. He said Henry VIII, serial killer with a C. Oh, of course.

It's a cereal box reference. Oh, Angle. Also, back to the brackets momentarily. Yeah. The bitterest pill, brackets, I ever had to swallow, by the jam. That's from Ritchie Powell. Okay. I mean, slightly unnecessary brackets. No, just the bitterest pill's a good title for it. Yeah.

Why I ever had to swallow. I think they've got mixed up, the idea of a title and the idea of a lyric. Yes. Just tell us the title. And speaking of mix-ups um we've had an email that i think is re the oscars envelope malfunction um one of the most embarrassing things in my life was as a result of an envelope mix-up i once got a birthday card and a sympathy card mixed up in the post and only realized when the girl whose 30th birthday it was came into work

and said 30 is not that sad, I'm younger than you. And I suddenly realised I'd sent her a deepest sympathy card by mistake. But then to my horror, I realised the card I had sent to my best friend's mum and family, whose father had just died suddenly, had lots of balloons on the front, and said, hooray, have a great day. All I could do was imagine the family sitting around the breakfast table when the post arrived, wondering if it was hate mail or something. It was a few years ago and I still blush every time I see them.

Wow. I mean, that's the stuff that people would rule out in sitcoms as being unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah, that is. One year I did my Christmas cards and there was some for Kath to sign and there was a separate pile which she didn't see so I sent out a lot just from me

and I got a few you alright type texts just assuming that we'd split up so it can be I was in a went into some offices this week it was an edit suite.

Why am I trying to talk it down? Yeah. And a runner said to me, do you want a cup of tea? I said, yeah. I said what I always say. I said, brown envelope, please, which is a hint what colour the teeth with the strand. So he came in after me with an envelope for me.

Sarah just clutched her chest in a gesture of deep empathy. Yeah. She knows that feeling. I mean, after and with an envelope for me. But... Sarah just clutched her chest in a gesture of deep empathy. Yeah. She knows that feeling. Sarah, who I think is 24. Yeah. I thought... My heart did sink, though,

because one might think, oh, how sweet, and you might think, oh, he didn't really explain it. But go past all that this was a young man trying to get on the business and the envelope he brought me was white. Oh no. Even if you made a mistake even in mistake

not good enough. Yeah. White envelope. Let's just hope he doesn't listen to your weekend radio show as well. They've got to learn. If you're listening, it's okay. If you're listening, it's okay.

Well, is it okay? Frank Skinner on the radio. Dean Harding has been in touch with whatever happened to. Dino? He might be a clerical man. with or whatever happened to. Dino? Yeah, Dino. Hold on, he might be a clerical man. Yeah, yeah. He says, whatever happened to

the glow of sunbed lights in people's bedroom windows? I don't remember that. I remember it was a sort of blue glow. Oh, yeah. Always in a top floor, generally. So people had sunbeds in their own homes, did they? Oh, people loved a sunbed. We had one briefly. My mother bought one. She'd sit in front own homes, did they? Oh, people loved a sunbed. We had one briefly.

My mother bought one. She'd sit in front of it, smoking a fag. We had a George Foreman. Does that count? They're still going. I don't know how people had them in their house. Oh, they were big things, the sunbeds. They're slipping away.

No. Do you remember what my one occurred to me last night, which was quite obscure? Yes. Whatever happens to you? Fido Dido. One occurred to me last night, which was quite obscure. Yes. Fido Dido. Yeah. It was a sort of a regular character.

He used to be on the cover of books and T-shirts. Yes, I remember Fido Dido. I don't know where he emanated from. I mean, did he have... He did seven-up adverts, didn't he? But did he have a story? Was there a book? Alan Cochran, he did do seven-up adverts. Was there a comic strip?

No, it was Snow White, I think. There was... Was there a comic strip? Was there a book that he came from? Or was he invented as a brand? I'll tell you what. 8-12-15. Fido Dido news required.

When I was a gangly teenager with somewhat spiky, quiffy hair, I was oft compared to Fido Dido news required. When I was a gangly teenager with somewhat spiky, quiffy hair, I was oft compared to Fido Dido before I became oft compared to Peter Crouch. Yeah? That's the evolution. Was that what tall people were called in the way that anyone with glasses was brains?

Yeah. Back in the day? Absolutely. Oh, brains. Or any fat person was Billy Bonta. Yeah. True. Billy Bonta was in Bonter. Yeah, true. Billy Bonter was in the fat chair for many years.

Is he still in it, really? It's great to think that Fido Dido used to sit in the thin chair. That was where people went for a simile. I thought of a whatever happened to recently. I brought my son to London and we were on the tube and I said, oh, there's mice running around on the tracks. Yes. Could not find any. And since then I've been keeping my eye out

trying to find some mice in the underground. Whatever happened to mice on the underground? Have they gone? Has there been a... I don't know, but I know there'll be people all over England saying, oh, I've got to talk about London now. London this, London that. From the bloke on the show that lives 200 miles from London.

What about the bullring? What about the bullring? It's a lovely shopping centre. I was in my, back on my home patch this week. Where's Bromwich? Well, actually, Oldbury, to be precise. Right, literally, at my old house. And there was a big pub, a massive pub down the road from our

house called the queen's head i mean one of those big corner pubs yes i know the ones it's no longer a pub so you think what are you going to do with a big building like that you know what does it It's a 24-hour vet. No. Wow. Who? Why the lodge? I mean, if I've got a pet that gets hurt in the early hours, it's just going to have to wait. You want to be careful after your comments about cats on the television. I know. You've upset a few cat lovers. I was in the hands of a fox.

Oh, yes. But a 24-hour vet is that a viable business? I wouldn't have thought it was as viable as selling alcohol. No. That's the big surprise

if that's a change in society. I mean, animals get ill, you know, they don't just get ill nine to five. True. Can you see it being

busy there? Well, let's find out. It's not like A&E. It's not like a and e it's not like animals go out on the town and get themselves hurt no that's true hey i need to tell you about my big night out well i'm already enjoying that it began with hay ladies night it was do you want to know the cast of characters it's's a song called Ladies' Night. Ladies' Night. Yeah. It was myself. Yeah. It was Charlie and Sarah from the show

and Feet, Sandy Mason, your mother-in-law. Sandy Mason. I love, I think this night was actually set up live on air. It was. It was. You were talking about Beautiful, the Carole King musical. Yeah, not to be confused with Bootiful, the Bernard Matthews musical. No, nor to be confused with Bootiful, the Bernard Matthews

musical. No, nor the Christina Aguilera song. No. And we thought, hey, let's go along to that. Hank says it's good. We went. I arranged for us all to meet at a private members club beforehand. Do you think, speaking of that, do you think

Blonto, James Blunt, is really me if that Carole King has stolen? Beautiful the musical. Yes. I bet he had that lined up. That was on the back burner for Blonto. He could have done that. I saw a girl standing there or some such lyrics, isn't it?

I don't know. He basically, I was a bit worried about Beautiful, Frank. I thought it was going to be a bit patchouli oil. I gave you my full recommendation, if you remember. You did. And you know what? You weren't wrong. We loved it.

Excellent. Sandy Mason was sobbing. Yes. Although I did say to her afterwards, what did you love? What was your best bit? And she went, oh, the seats. She loved the seats.

Turned out the seats were an... seats turned out the seats were an I mean I was all over Natural Woman Feel the Earth Move all the songs Frank the hits in it this sounds like

extracts from my journal in the 1990s I suppose when you're 74 seats are everything she said oh and you know what I loved about Sandy Mason she was very big

on the refreshments. Bellboy at the opera style. Get those. And she went to the kiosk. She was filling up. She got a red cardboard box of Maltesers. I mean, respect. Oh, fantastic.

With the little serrated edge. She was passing them round. Of course, they're much quieter than the bag, the box, to be fair. I thought you were talking about Sandy Mason. Yes. Yes. Of course they're much quieter than the bag the box to be fair I thought you were talking about Sandy Mason Yes This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So we're at the theatre having a marvellous time

I didn't know there were so many hits in it Exactly Well that is exactly what Frank reviewed I think he said hit after hit. It really was. Did I say that? Something like that. Wow.

I mean, as Sandy Mason said at one point, she said, oh, I've got shivers. Huh? Long John Silver sitting next to us.

Did you bring a blanket for her? You've got to be so careful with the elderly, Al. She should travel with a tartan blanket. She is a woman for wearing, like, two coats in the house.

Well, it's funny you should say that, and not in a Warren Beatty type way, because when she came into the private members bar, she had a coat, what I thought was a coat, and I said, oh, take your coat off, Sandy. And it was a sort of velvet, collared-up number. And she kept saying, no, no, you're fine, I'm fine. So take your coat off.

Well, I think it was the actual outfit. I couldn't decide whether it was coat or outfit. Her daughter's always said that she dresses in Jedi chic. That didn't come from me, I'd like to point out. My mother-in-law.

Well, she enjoyed it, we enjoyed it. It was a proper girls' night out. That's lovely. Yeah, we got passers-by to take loads of pictures of us. Did you actually do that? Yes, we did. Outside the theatre. So, Al, you are currently the only person on the Frank on the Radio show

who hasn't yet not seen Beautiful. I'm going to go. I think you should go. Are you going to go? Yeah. I think you should go. Han Solo. I think it would be a bit odd if I just go on my own. Han Solo won't go on his own, Frank.

Well, I don't know. I haven't fathered you, you could take. I'm sure I can find an elderly relative from somewhere. What about our Keith? Oh, please go with our Keith. I've never met our Keith. Oh, please go with our Keith. I've never met our Keith.

That sounds fine to me, yeah. Well, I wouldn't just nip in the pub. When he says, let's just nip in the pub beforehand and you wake up and it's four o'clock in the morning and you're in Scotland. And tell him,

you know those little round ashtrays on the front of the theatre seats? They're purely decorative now. You can't actually use them, Arki. Love you, Arki. Anyway, so thank you for the recommendation. I thought it was marvellous. A good audio.

Ian Angel has sent a joke in, I think. Ian Angel, can you see me? Ian Angel, can you hear me? I think in reference to the pub that became a vet, he said could combine the two at the 24 hour vets. Good for hair of the dog. Oh, we never stopped.

Fine. Didn't we have another? Someone else's pub? We did. I live in Cradley, which I think is another area. And a corner pub by us has now turned into a kids soft play. I think that sort of makes

sense, because I think, probably not a 24 hour kids soft play. Although, I always think the pub should be soft play. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Take the sharp corners off there. It needs to be like childproof.

It needs to be drunk proof, doesn't it? Why have any sharp things, you know? I mean, you might need knives, but I find you can generally speaking test off a pot. Kerry Burke has also said that 24-hour vets, pet A&E brackets, not a song, just an observation, are a godsend, but wow, they're a moneymaker. £100 for consultation before treatment.

There you go. Consultation, and they can't speak. How are you feeling? I'll take that minor burden and get my money's worth. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text and report on the radio yesterday. People are now using vets to get stitched up instead of going to hospital because they ask less questions.

Yeah. I mean, that's where I get all my... It's good to know they ask less questions and they charge £100 for a consultation. Also, when you say, who sent that in fingers in the East End? I mean, come on. Again, that was another entry in my journal.

Wow. So, I've had a bit of a experience, the strange, I believe the French call it. You've been estranged? No, I had a strange experience. The last twice, I believe the French call it. You've been estranged. Oh, yes. No, I had a strange experience.

The last twice I've driven back to London. I live in North London. And the football team I watch is in the West Midlands. So that's the drive. So I think, I mean, I don't want to talk about roots now. I don't mean roots, Natty Dredd. I mean, roots as in... But I think most people would say M6, M1, wouldn't they? Maybe M40.

Yeah. Yes. My sat-nav, I don't know if it's a fault or if there's a ghost in the machine. The last twice, it took me to Kettering on the way back I was taking you off the east country roads

take me home brackets I believe home not Kettering so yes I've been to Kettering twice in the last two or three weeks and nothing about it seems to be an improvement on M6, M1 or M40. What? Is it trying to take you away from roadworks?

No. They overthink these things, the sat-navs. Have you in the past pressed, like, no... Pressed the via kettering button? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what you've pressed. You've pressed avoid Northampton clown. That's what you've pressed. You've pressed avoid Northampton Clown. That's what you've pressed.

Because that's his manner, I think. Avoid toll roads. Have you gone avoid toll roads and it's taken you away from the M6 toll? Is it that? Oh, Al's familiar with that one. Yes. Al's always avoiding toll roads.

I'm not troubled by the M6 toll on the way. I wonder if any of our readers can possibly explain this to me. I actually started, because bear in mind, I've got up, I've got up, I've looked up. I've got up, I've done a radio show. I've driven 120 miles.

I've watched a very exciting football match. And then I'm driving back. I'm on my own and suddenly I'm going down a know I'm on my own and suddenly I'm going down a country line towards Kettering it's quite

it's like an episode of The Avengers there's something weird about it it's unnecessary I even wondered if somehow

I was being drawn to Kettering for some special purpose hmm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

surely not there must be some mistake what happens What happens in Kettering? I've never been there That's the rule That could be I know, I tell you what I'm not saying these two are related but one of the few things I know about Kettering apart from its shoe manufacture

is that Frank Bellamy came from there. And he was a comic book artist. And he drew several things, Doctor Who included. But he drew, Dan Dare was one of the things. Wow. And then I went to my flat in Birmingham this week. As you know, I'm something of a magnet. And I was looking through.

And there was a sealed box addressed to me which has been sealed it's been in this cupboard for ages I didn't realise I'd never opened it so I thought well this is exciting so I opened it, it was a Dan Dare t-shirt brilliant

now, being drawn to Kettering home of Frank Bellamy who drew Dan Dare and suddenly finding a Dan Dare t-shirt something weird I feel like what do you reckon? I wonder if

I don't know what to make of what you're saying I mean I don't are the letters DD I think double D double D is about to loom in my life

I mean that is yeah I'm just trying to remember the diary entry I'm just trying to remember... This is another diary entry. I'm just trying to remember who's doing Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. Katie Price. In an oversized charity T-shirt.

That's what it'll be. But if anyone can... I mean, there'll be people at home now terrified by all this. They'll be putting holy water over their radios. No, they won't. No, they might. If anyone can explain the Kettering thing to me,

before the next show, we'll go into it. Before you learn there again. It's starting to slightly unnerve me. Do you think you're being pushed there? Like when the police deal with rioters and they call it Kettling. Oh, yes. Kettling to Kettering.

Yeah, there is a joke in this that we can't do anymore. Yes, it could be that. Yes. Kettling to kettering. Yeah, there is a joke in this that we can't do anymore. Yeah. Yes, it could be that, but I'm not a man to have psychic experiences, so, you know, or indeed, can I point out, sidekick experiences, before either of you build your hopes up. Okay, so thank you so much for listening this week. Up next week is rock and roll football with Ben Burrell.

Do you call him Burrell? I call him Burrell. Let's call the whole thing soccer. And it's been lovely. And if you watch tonight, can I apologize in advance? I'm not feeling that funny. I feel like all my funniness has been used in this context. And tonight I'm going to be running on vapour.

Still, I'll probably be in Kettering when the show starts. So don't worry. Bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.