The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Paris Gump

Episode Date: September 1, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The A- team are back and discussing Frank's unlikely latest obsession, astronauts fixing things and grizzly bears in shops.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and... Hold on a minute, hold on, hold on. Alan Cochran is back, ladies and gentlemen, from a tremendously successful run in Edinburgh. I wonder what that feels like. Anyway, you can text our show on 8-12-15. What are you doing?

Sorry, I'm somehow just messing with my buttons. Wasn't me, can I just say? Can I just say it wasn't me? Or me. Do you want to do it in your corner of your periphery? Anyway, you can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

My desk, my rules. Speaking of the peripheral vision, has anybody else ever had an eyebrow hair sort of... I had one this morning! It's really annoying, isn't it? It's really annoying. I'm not using this morning as a vague catch-all term.

I mean this morning. I'm getting it that you mean today. Excuse me. I thought I'd woken up in a Wild West prison. Excuse me, can you explain what you mean? Because I had like bars going down. An eyebrow hair, what, descending into the eye socket? Into the viewpoint.

Going across the viewpoint, so yeah. I might never get that out of control. No, but your eyebrows are absolutely meticulous. Ooh! Whereas mine, you know, you get to an age. Oh, yeah. You don't have Dennis Healy eyebrows. No, no, but I have to keep them under close control.

When I'm at the Turkish barbers, they always have a good go at the eyebrows. Yes, they're great, I hear, for that sort of forensic work. Yeah, fire in the ears. Yes. Singe. It's nice to have a cockerel back. It's nice to have Cockcrow back. It's nice to be back.

Indeed. I've looked at the emails. Oh, have you? You've done the troll? I've done the troll. Oh, yesterday when I was young, so many, many songs. Sorry. Anything trollable?

Yeah, I've learned something. Oh, well, let's start with education. Let's face it, there's precious little of it about in popular entertainment. What happened to Lord Reith's view of educate, entertain and inform? I don't think that was on commercial radio, but we'll go with it. No, but, you know, we're carrying it on. The BBC have abandoned it.

Morning, all, or evening, if this is Alan doing his Friday night troll. Hugely deserved praise withheld. Can I hold you there? It's the theory that you come in at night and do that troll. I think people do think that. I love that. He stays up all night doing his...

For what Alan's going, it may be in spectacles, you know, and stuff, and looking a bit cash. He just sits in a dark, under a single... Yeah, angle poise. Under an angle poise. No, Frank, I see him with a bit of a journalist's deadline visor. under a single... Yeah, angle poise. Under an angle poise. I've got one at home. Love them. I see him with a bit of a journalist's

deadline visor on his head. Oh, yeah. And the sleeves rolled. Shirt sleeves rolled up, OK? That sounds good as well. You know what I'd love? An angle poise shower. Yeah?

Do they exist? No. They will, Oscar. They will. Anyway, Alan. You could get to work designing it. You come up with a lot of good ideas on this show. I have ideas, man, but I don't have a shed.

We can work on that. Okay. I had an idiotic eureka moment this week. We all know the idiom, when life gives you lemons, which we do, I think. I have never heard that before in my life. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. You're joking.

No, honestly. Are you absolutely joking? I swear to you, I've never heard that. I've never seen Paris Gump. Paris? Paris Gump? What's he called? That's his sister.

What's he called? Paris Gump sounds like a bit of an adult version you might have seen. This is Forest Gump. Paris Gump. It's like, you know that Disneyland was an American thing and then they tried it in Europe.

Hank, you know what I like? Who'd star in Forrest Gump? They also like... Marion Cotillard. Oh, yeah. She'd been... I like the,

you know, the current vogue for I've never seen, I've never done, dot, dot, dot. Well, we did Michael Owen's Tea and Coffee, didn't we? Lastogue for I've never seen, I've never done, dot, dot, dot. Well, we did Michael Owens tea and coffee, didn't we? Last week. I've never seen Paris Gump.

I mean, I'd watch that show. No, Paris, yes. Anyway, I have never heard the phrase, if they give you lemons, make lemons. If life gives you lemons. Clearly I haven't heard it. I don't know it. What is it? If life gives you lemons, make lemons.

Yeah. Well, this person then continues. Let's just take that as the thing that does happen this person then continues it only just occurred to me that lemons were chosen for this phrase for their bitterness i.e when life throws sour difficult stuff at you i just thought it was a case of when life gives you something make the most of it. Okay. Well, can I say, even though I've never heard it before, I did get that instantly. Did you? The bitterness element.

Oh, I didn't. Oh, so if life gives you a difficult thing, make the best of it. Yeah, I didn't at all. Sweeten it. Yeah. So I've learned the same as this person. Okay. Life has given me comquats.

What should I do with them? Just eat them whole. Don't sit on any cold surfaces, that's my advice. Also, don't start getting all confident throwing that phrase around. You didn't know it. Once I hear a new phrase, I cannot leave it alone. What about once you hear this? You've just had a message from official Jim Davidson. Oh, yeah. He says, official Jim Davidson. Oh, yeah.

He says, hello, Frank. Hi, Jim. Is this happening? Jim's account, yeah. He's saying good morning to you. It's nice. Yeah. Say good morning back, Frank.

Say good morning back. You're bossing him around. He's your comedy friend. Morning, Jim. Morning, everyone. That's nice comedy friend. Morning Jim. Morning everyone. That's nice though. Last time I saw Jim Davidson I was we were in the make-up room I think

this morning. Me and him were in adjoining chairs talking comedy and Dara O'Brien came in and it really looked like he'd caught me having an affair. He looked absolutely horrified. I said have you met Jim? And he's going oh yeah, yeah, and he went.

I saw him recently and he said, no, I was just a bit thrown by it. It was great. Oh, man. Comedy. Our brothers in comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 124 has replied to your request for an angle poise shower. Is that what you came up with a minute ago? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I think this might constitute as work bants. They've said only if you have a shower big enough for an angle poised shower head, Frank. So you need an angle poised

shower head for it and then it says Mick the plumber. So I'm guessing... I think I have. I think certainly one of them must be that big. Excellent. Old Van Hoogstraten, property owner again. Well, you know, if life gives you

strawberries. Buy a load of property. That's a modern spin on it. Use a straw to suck out the stalks. Oh yeah, that's good. Frank, we've had a Whatever Happened To, which I'd like to share with you. This is from Bob.

Hello. Whatever Happened To, magic eye pictures. As soon as I learnt how to do them, they disappeared. That's what happened to me. To Paris Gump, yeah. I learnt to do them late. I was a late adopter of the Magic Eye pictures and then they sort of went out of fashion.

No sooner had I got them. I never got them. Never saw through one. The same thing happened to me with... Do you remember those things that were called something like clackers? They were two balls on strings. Oh, yeah. And you used to have to wave it around and they went...

Yeah. I'd learnt them right on the curve of them going out of fashion. Oh, that's so true. Just as they went away. Wow. But, yes. Okay. They're very satisfying. I've used them in other um, yes. Okay. They're very satisfied.

I've used them in other contexts, though. What other contexts? What, the bedroom? Yes, I do use it in the bedroom. Here we go. What the? Here we go. Sorry, Al, it's gone a bit blue since you've been on. I know, now, this is very clean. I find that if I can't get to

sleep, I do with my brain basically what I used to do with my eyes, with those magic eye pictures. Magic, okay. And I just let my brain, you know, the way to see the picture in a magic eye is to stop focusing, to just be. Oh, yeah. And if you work out how to do that with your brain, just get back to sleep again. Little tip.

Yeah. Little life hack here from sleep again. Little tip. Yeah. Little life hack here from the show. Better than counting sheep. Yeah, I don't think counting sheep works, personally. I don't like counting in any... I'm CSC grade four. Do you think maths is going to help me sleep? All it's ever done is get me awake.

Counting my showers. Yeah. I don't know, but this is our Adam. I was woken up the other morning. I was fast asleep. Yeah. And Boz came in. I have a six-year-old son, I know.

And he came into the room. I didn't hear a thing. I was asleep. And the way he woke me up was just by grabbing my ankle. It was really terrifying. Oh, I love that. You know that nightmare about stepping out of bed in the night and there's a hand

comes from under the bed and grabs your ankle. Stephen King novel or something. Yeah, it was like I was going to be dragged to hell. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't. Okay. Just as far as the fridge that was it

okay okay are you wondering how you're gonna get out of this now I'm just thinking if life gives you ready break

yeah make make ready break enjoy it that doesn't work does it doesn't okay it's okay

I can't think of a way out of this I can't leave it like this I feel disgusted with myself 650 has texted if life gives you lemons make lemonade and ensure you submit

the sugar tax payment to HMRC see that's good small print there is that better than ready break? I like advice that comes with parentheses here you go that'll do Is that better than Ready, Break? I like advice that comes with parentheses. Here you go, that'll do. OK.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What are you going up to? I went to Pope's Grotto this week. How's that? Pope's Grotto.

Do you know Alexander Pope, the poet? You've heard of him? Yeah. He was 18th century. I mean, the other Pope's been more in the news in the last week or two. I thought that was like meeting Santa. I thought he sat on his knee. He finally, although he was quite small

and he had growth problems. So you probably couldn't sit on his knee. Oh, dear. Anyway. That's a shame. Yeah. He was...

He was... You'd know his stuff. Oh, I know Alexander Pope. Yeah, you'd know, like, Falls rushing where angels fear to tread. That's one of his. That's well known, yeah. Upsprings Eternal.

He's had some greats. Yeah. And, of course, that's one of his. That's well known, yeah. Upsprings Eternal. He's had some greats. Yeah. And of course his big one, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mine. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's his sort of definitely maybe. Well, I mean, to actually come up with a film title, that's quite unique in the 18th century.

And Happy Birthday to You, he did that. You don't know that. You see? He did that other film title, Superman 3. It's one of his. I think he did that you don't know that you see he did that other film title Superman 3 it's one of his I think he did Paris Gump

but I don't know Paris Gump I think that's mine yeah you're having that that'll probably be bought by a very low bro fashion magazine actually I watched

Superman 3 this week with my child and watching your six year old really really laugh at Richard Pryor is quite an experience. Because you wouldn't have thought that was possible because obviously stand-up is a bit rude.

Right, yeah. Adult content. Yeah. Loved him in Superman 3. Great. Loved him. Funny buns. Travel.

Oh, yeah, exactly. So, yeah, pubs, grotto. What happened in the grotto? So, I suppose we've all, haven't we, when we've, you know, when you realise you're making a few, Bob, we've all fantasised about our own grotto. No.

No? Okay. No. Okay. Never. Okay, well, you know what it is? It's a sort of a bespoke cave. Yeah.

Yeah. Is it like Santa's photo? I feel we've already lost about 20% of our listeners right there. When you've made a few, Bob. Yeah. So what happens in the grotto? Well, what happened was that when Pope started to make a few, Bob, as a poet, he bought a place in Twickenham

and well anyway and so there was a road that separated, a public road that went between his house and his garden that's how you get it cheap so he decided well I'll build a tunnel

from the house to the garden and I won't have any problems with the road. And once he went underground, he thought, you know, I wouldn't mind a little bespoke cave down there. So he got some sparkly minerals and there's two in there, there's two pieces. Some Perrier water, lovely. There's two pieces of the Giant's Causeway

might have brought a couple of bits I mean they didn't know then that was the wrong thing to do but you know Elgin Marbles it's the same principle so they're still in there if you say to someone let's go and see the Giant's Causeway they think oh lovely

Northern Ireland take them to Twickenham exactly much warmer so in the grotto I've got this hopelessly wrong ok

because I assumed it to have sort of in the grotto isn't that Elvis Presley's song yeah what if he'd done

a song about Alex in the grotto doon doon doon doon doon I love a sparking mineral hey is that the giant's causeway in the grotto

Samuel Johnson of course said of the giant's causeway another 18th century he's come very 18th century he said it was worth seeing but not worth going to see oh that's good that's good I Oh, lovely. That's good. I'm just saying, I imagined it.

When you said grotto, I think I saw fairy lights and maybe some scented candles and sort of succulent plants. I thought, what, is there nothing there? Is there no cushions or anything? They haven't made it nice. No, but I mean, he's not still there. No, I know, but I thought someone would have preserved it. Well, it is being...

Well, like some throws. It is being soft furnishings. Scatter cushions. I don't know if there was ever soft furnishings. There's a sort of drawing of him writing down there. He's not on cushions. He's on quite a sturdy... Oh.

It were different times. Yeah, yeah. But it was good. I was in Pope's Grotto, for goodness sake. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not having a go at it. I'm excited by it. Oh. It were different times. Yeah, yeah. But it was good. I was in Pope's Grotto, for goodness sake. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not having a go at it. I'm excited by it. Okay.

I was genuinely excited by it. It's like, you know, minerals. You know minerals. Is that all there was? No, there was the odd statue, but the minerals was the... Oh, there was mirrors. Oh, really?

Some of Pope's original mirrors was in there. Oh, I love that. Yeah. What were they like, the mirrors, then? A bit... Not so good. A bit burnished now. Yeah.

See, what he used to do, he'd angle lamp up and he had the mirrors fitted. Angle poise? I don't think... When was the angle... Now, wasn't the angle poise invented by the same bloke who invented the traffic invented the parking meter? Oh!

Possibly. Yeah, I think it was. Oh, he gave with one hand, he took with the other, didn't he? Exactly. Why didn't they have an angle poise parking meter? Oh, you're pointless. Absolutely pointless. That's probably why.

You need to work on that. Go into the grotto and workshop that. Well, yeah, I've got more grotto. Have you? I think this is getting a bit like MTV Cribs. If there'd been an 18th century version. and Cochrane.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. So you're in Pope's grotto. So I'm in Pope's grotto. I'm in Pope's grotto. I looked up. You looked up.

And it was, another great thing that, that he said, Pope, which I really like, is, if you admit you were, that you've been wrong about something,

what you're actually saying is you are wiser today than you were yesterday. Yeah. And I've been looking for a positive spin on that for a long time. Yeah. I've always found it strange when people don't happily admit to being wrong because of that.

Maybe I'm on the same page as Alexander Pope. I find people who say that never admit to being wrong because of that. Maybe I'm on the same page as Sir Alexander Poe. I find people who say that never admit to being wrong. I mean, you could be the exception. You could be. You could be that. That's a great get-out-of-jail-free for what I find.

I'm sorry I'm wrong. Over. Done. The house, the villa that he built was on the river. He's got villas now? The villa's gone. That's a lot of money

in being a poet back then, wasn't there, compared to now? He did his own subscriptions, you't he? The villa's gone. That's a lot of money in being a poet back then, wasn't it? Compared to now. He did his own subscriptions, you see. He was crafty. Was he a celebrity poet then? So he wasn't a Van Gogh situation? He was a celebrity, but he was a Catholic,

which at the time held people back a bit. So that's why he lived out of town, I think. Oh, OK. There was a time, I think when his his family had to live further out because they put a restriction on how close Catholics could

live to central London oh ok because at that time they could be naughty right who said that to you someone said

bit naughty we were asking about worst away fans yeah and he was saying well you know blah blah blah and he said

he said about I don't know about away, he said, but West Ham at home are naughty. Oh, the great quotes. Yeah, but, yeah, my dad used to, was forever claiming people for the Catholic Church. So I remember him saying to me, Elvis is a good Catholic. I said, I think he was like a, no, good Catholic church. So I remember him saying to me, Elvis is a good Catholic. I said, I think he was like a... No, good Catholic Elvis.

And Bobby Charlton, I remember he claimed. Really? And his greatest achievement, I always thought, his longest shot ever. My dad honestly claimed that Muhammad Ali was Catholic. Yeah. I said, but that's the whole thing with him, isn't it? He said, I'm on about he was brought up a Catholic

again completely untrue and then he threw salt in your face didn't argue with him then hey Frank we've had a message in from someone who says I went to St Catherine's school for 14 years in Twickenham on the site of the grotto I regularly spend time

I think she might know the name of her school, in fairness. Yeah. No, I think it is a convent school. Oh, I thought you were saying it was called something else. OK. And regularly spent... Isn't it called Paris? I thought you were correcting her.

No, I wasn't correcting her. I think she knows her own school. Sorry. OK, so she's a convent girl. We've established that. But, you know, regularly spent time moving from prep to senior school through the grotto to avoid the main road. Oh, but you know. Regularly spent time moving from prep to senior school through the grotto to avoid the main road. Oh, that's good.

We used to run through as kids and turn all the lights off on others coming through behind us, leaving them in pitch black darkness. Grotto fun! It's from Elsie. Oh, just thinking is there any way I could get myself a grotto?

And also, I mean, remember he was pre-nuclear weapons. I mean, he didn't have that big plus. Head of the game. Apparently very cool in the hot weather. What would you have given for a grotto the last couple of months? 8, 12, 15? Anyway, it was great. I got showed around and told lots of stuff.

Did you get the VIP treatment? No, because I'll tell you what it is. I did it slightly. Frank, I like your PA ringing. Hello, I'm looking for a celebrity contact for Alexander Pope's. Well, the thing is they don't open it. It's not open every day by any means. Oh, isn't it?

Because you have to go through the school to get to it. Right. Oh, yeah. So I think it might... Oh, is it one of these architecture open week things or is it well um i think okay i don't know when it opens but it's not it's not regularly you have to check so there was just me and an american academic looking in there did you go for lunch together no we chatted a bit about um 18th century interiors nice i must admit i was

on the back foot somewhat with that, with the architecture stuff, but she's writing a book about it. Oh. Closing a chapter on P's G. Mm-hmm. P's G. Oh, he loved her.

He loved her big mastiff as well. Did he? He did, yeah. There was a... You've got a bit of a mentionitis with Alexander Pope. Is he your new sort of bromance?

I'll tell you what I love about him. He had a big mastiff called Bounce. God. Right. And so that one died, so he got another one and called that Bounce. And I like people who recognise the interchangeability of a dog species.

Like, you know people who clone their dogs. You think, just get another one like that yeah you're paying that kind of money for just get another just get two point not yeah same absolutely i'm gonna have um at least four raymonds i imagine in my lifetime yeah yeah so he just you know he'd just be on the well he wouldn't be on the phone, but he'd just say to his PA, Pope, bounce seven as he's gone down. He's gone. Bounce seven.

Man down. Mastiff down. Get us another one. Bounce seven as thrown a seven. Yeah, go and get us eight. When my dog, who's called Lucky, leaves this earth, should I just get another dog and call it Luckier? Yeah.

Because it's still alive. I like that idea. We'll wait and see. You might want to call it less lucky. Maybe. You're right. Oh, God. There was a book for sale there called Mastiffs and Minerals.

Just saying. I think you can get it through the post if anyone's... Frank We're talking Pope's Grotto this morning on Absolute Radio. Mainly Alexander Pope's underground hideaway. Do you think he called it a man cave at the time? I don't. I hope he didn't. People say that. It really put me off him if he did.

It would put me off too. Do you think he had music down there from a grotto blaster? Oh, come on. Come on. Life ain't so easy when you're a grotto child. So, enough. I tell you what, though, because it's on the river, it's a beautiful part of the Thames where he is there in Twickenham.

And it says he's friends. Where he is, I mean. Sorry, where he was. In the 18th century. Was it 18th century? Yeah, he died 1744. Oh. Anyway.

Bit of a stalker. So, a bit light on the stalking there's nothing you don't know about this man so his friends used to come by boat to visit him so he'd stand down on the jetty on the jetty

you know what if you look along the river there people still got like boats but like small boats like car sized, and that's what they must do around there. Yeah. Drive round. I went out with a California girl. Did you? You remember her, Em.

Oh, yeah. She'd been a surf gymnast in her youth, which I didn't know what that meant, but what it meant was that she was in a bikini and surfing men would hold her above their shoulders for sort of... Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, you know, because it looked good. Yeah.

Okay. And she was saying that she had a friend who'd got a motorboat or a dad had got a motorboat and the two of them or the three or four girls in bikinis I was saying that she had a friend who'd got a motorboat or a dad who'd got a motorboat, and the two of them or the three or four girls in bikinis just went tootling around this thing in California, and they saw John Wayne on his jetty. I mean, come on. I mean, that really is like a dream, isn't it?

And they said, like, no toupee, just out there enjoying himself. And she said, they all went, Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne. And he just looked up and went, hi, girls. And you're just like, oh, man. John Wayne. I was excited enough because Jim Davidson had tweeted us this morning. It's knocked me into a cocktack. Now we've got a John Wayne anecdote.

I think maybe the first John Wayne anecdote of the weekend for a lot of people. Of the century. At least I've moved into the 20th. Getting closer. But we were in 1744 a minute ago. Give us a ramp. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran has returned. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I was just

showing the guys, I'm not going to talk about Pope's Grotto all morning but they tweeted a picture of me the Pope's Grotto Twitter feed The Pope's Grotto crew. In an enormous clash of old and new, the Pope's Grotto has a Twitter feed

Hashtag PG That's a picture of me and you can see I've got a Pope's Grotto laminate. I mean, he looks ridiculous. You think? I mean, he looks lovely. He looks very stylish,

but equally, it's very I'm with the band. I mean, it's like triple A access. But what degrees of access are there to Pope's Grotto? It's access all alcoves. Oh, man. But we did have one

brilliant thing, a Pope's Grotto themed communication. We did. And this is from 329, who says, hi all, I've just booked to go to the Grotto. My son says Frank could sell me anything. Ladies and gentlemen, my work here is done.

You are one of those media influencers, aren't you? What do they call opinion formers? Yeah, tastemakers. I don't know if the grotto's going to hit that kind of height. Is it going to be on Kathleen Moran's risers in the Times this week? First you did it about, what was it, Fortnum & Mason Piccadilly, and then it sold out, didn't it? He takes things viral. And now this.

And then I, of course, the reverse, when I talked about somewhere I thought was closed. Oh, no, I did that with Clinton's card. Oh, yeah. And then it did close. Yeah. We had the BHS. Well, with great power comes great responsibility. Oh, yes And then it did close. Yeah. We had the BHS. Well with great power

comes great responsibility. Oh yes, you're quite right. Can we just also share from Daniel Skipsy, you were talking about Superman 3 I believe earlier and Richard Pryor was it? Yeah. I watched some of Superman 3 being filmed on location in Canada. When Richard Pryor's character, or rather his stuntman

landed in the street after skiing off the top of a skyscraper. I was there. Oh, I remember that. I was about seven years old at the time. Yeah. I will never forget it. And that was one of Buzz's biggest laughs, I think.

It's incredible. He skied down a sort of a glass, sort of gazebo-like roof. Kids like falling, don't they? Oh, they do. Well, that's great, Daniel. I mean, it's no Pope's Grotto. No. But it'll do.

No, no. Is that going to become a saying? Yeah. Oh, marvellous. So we've got Al back. I'm back. From his travels. I'm back.

How was it, Al? It was good. I've been to the Edinburgh Fringe. I don't like to blow my own trumpet and talk about, like, sales and stuff like that. I find it hurts my back for a bit. I'm not one of those, you know, I hate to say this,

but I'm all about just, I'm more interested in the show than the PR. You know, when you, you meet some comics and they love the press bit. They love talking about themselves and I'm not one of those. You're looking at me like that? No, I They love talking about themselves, and I'm not one of those.

You're looking at me like that? No, I'm just talking about... Okay, well, this is a bit ill-plored. Well, basically, a thing happened where I don't really engage with that side of it, because I don't love doing... I might stop doing interviews. Oh, don't stop doing interviews. I might, I might. Well, don't say that to old interview Ian over there.

On the last tour, I did. That's like Gary Cahill retiring from international football. Maybe. Maybe it is a bit like that. But, you know, some people... But I've reluctantly got to admit that I should perhaps engage with the PR a little bit more than I do, because the ticket sales were good, and then towards the end of the fringe, a person who works in the comedy industry,

who books for the comedy store, sent me a text message saying, I don't suppose you can do manchester for us on sunday night and i said no i'm at the edinburgh fringe and he said oh i should have known that shouldn't i and i thought yeah my pr message hasn't even got to the edge of my contacts list of my own phone that's not good enough is it the low profile thing but if people are turning up they were they, and it was good fun. And I had various nice things happen during the gig.

And I've got a bit of a confession to make, but now I feel like it's perhaps not the time because Daisy's just flashed me the 30 seconds sign saying... That's OK, well, hold it. I'm all for a fringe cliffhanger. Yeah, I think it's a bad confession. I think I've got a bad confession from the Edinburgh Festival. Do you know Frank loves a confession? He loves it.

I mean, we won't banish you to Twickenham, by law. Am I going to give you your penance? Maybe. Oh, you're Germaine? I'll give you Miss Germaine. Is he still in the house, Germaine Pennant? I think he got into a little bit of trouble. Okay. Did he? He's not still tagged, is he? Is he still in the house, Jermaine Pennant? I think he got into a little bit of trouble. OK.

Did he? He's not still tagged, is he? LAUGHTER I think those days are gone. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were on a cliffhanger. We were on an Edinburgh-based cliffhanger with a couple.

We were discussing my lack of PR. Fair play to the people that did see the show. They must have seen it as, like, orienteering or something to actually find the show. I think, I might have got this wrong, but I think Michael McIntyre in a previous incarnation, before he was the Michael McIntyre we know, I think he once went up to Edinburgh with just his face on the poster.

No name or date of show. Really? Yeah, I think so. Wow up to Edinburgh with just his face on the poster. No name or date of show. Really? Yeah, I think so. Wow, that's confident. I may have misremembered that, but I'm pretty sure he was convinced to do that by a former management. And did it work? No.

I think it was a terrible idea. I remember a comic... He was unknown at the time, so I think... This is back in the 90s. I remember a comic calling his show sold out. And that apparently led to quite a lot of empty seats because people thought, oh... Wow.

Yeah. So you've got to be careful. It wasn't that self-destructive. What is it now, though? They do the virals on social media. We needed to set up something going wrong, like you tripping or something going wrong. Oh, what me?

Or you were just saying a sort of shock jo going wrong. Oh, what me? Yeah. Or you were just saying a sort of shock jock thing. Oh, yeah, I could do that. And becoming a controversial character. I could do that. Anyway, let's do that. Anyway, you did all right. Here's what happened.

I'm going to tell you what happened. Because, you know, you rent a flat and then, you know, you live in it for a month. Here's what happened. About ten days in to being in the flat that i'd rented which was nice my um wife and children were coming up and so i did a little bit of tidying and i thought oh i'll just change the sheets on the bed in the flat and then 10 days in 10 days in yeah little insight there yeah yeah yeah because my wife's coming. And then I couldn't find sheets that fitted my bed. There were spare sheets for the kids' beds,

but they hadn't been used. And so I just left the sheets that had been used for ten days. My wife visited, and I said, oh... Absolutely disgusting animal. I couldn't find clean bedding for the... And then she stayed for ten days, and I thought, well, there's only five more. Don't say you kept the same sheets for 20 days.

A month. That's my confession. Absolute sicko. But why would you start washing them and drying them after 20 days? You wouldn't think that. I must admit, when I lived in a bed... When I lived in a bed, see, I don't... I mean, I don't know.

I don't remember ever washing them. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, so I did a month in the same bed, and then I drove home and got into clean sheets at home. That's extraordinary. I think that's gross. If you wear pyjamas, you didn't change the sheets ever, because you're not actually in contact with them.

OK, well, that tells me a lot. I sleep in boxer shorts and a T-shirt before anyone texts asking. Boxer shorts and a T-shirt. You've got the skin cells from your legs. You're meant to be. You're meant to change your sheets. Meant to? What is this, de brets?

Hold your high horses. You're meant to change your sheets minimum, minimum, every two weeks. Minimum? Yeah. Right. That's what they agree on, the people in lab coats that write articles at the Daily Mail. DeBrett. Did I tell you I had a singing...

I have to speak to my wife. I had a singing lesson with a woman called Tona DeBrett. Did you? She's the best ever name for a singing teacher. I am familiar with her work. She was in a film called The Great Rock and Roll Swindle.

Well, she taught... A big claim to fame was she taught Johnny Rottener to sing. But I went for a singing lesson with her. And they said, tone is lovely, but she's the biggest name dropper you'll ever meet in your life. And I said, believe me, I've met some. I've met some biggies. So, you know, she's got some way to go.

So I turned up and I knocked on the door. And she couldn't quite get the door open. And then she finally got it open. She said, I'm terribly sorry, this door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch. I was still on the step. I hadn't got in yet. Marvellous. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text message from David496, who I think bolsters my story a little. Go on. He says, when I was at college, we were given one clean sheet a fortnight

and we were expected to move the top one to the bottom and put the clean one on top so each one lasted a month before duvets okay i mean i would have done that if i could have found another i would have thought there is an argument if you are if you're the hygienic type what about if you just turn i like the concept of there being a hygiene out of your voice if you uh you know what i mean the That lot, the hygienic type, PC brigade. If, if, if you, why can't you just take the fitted sheet on the thing and just turn it, reverse it? Oh, yeah.

That might work. Because it smells, dear. I don't get a smell, that smell will be locked in by elastication. Oh, lovely. So, you know. Like a pop sock. Can I just make it clear? I washed me all through the month. That smell will be locked in by elastication. Oh, lovely. So, you know. I did wash me. Like a pop sock. Can I just make it clear?

I washed me all through the month. It wasn't just... Oh, no, we never thought that. I don't want to know about that. We thought for a second you hadn't washed. I did. I don't want you to be judging me too much. All right, the bedding was grubby, but I was clean as a whistle.

I like the idea of the smell trapped in the elastication. When you open it, it'll be like those dry roasted peanuts. It'll be like when you take the fitted sheet off. It's just the idea. People make an enormous fuss about all that stuff. Agreed. What, basic human cleanliness? But in the night, how dirty does one get in the night?

In the middle of the night. 8.15. Keep it daytime. Yes, exactly. Keep it morning. How dirty exactly. Keep it morning. How dirty does one get in the middle of the night? Okay, I'm not going to answer that question. So, Frank, I know you love an astronaut.

Oh, yes. I mean, I think you love an astronaut almost as much as you love a bit of Alexander Poe. Well, let's not go over the top. Okay, okay. But did you see this news this morning uh this week actually it was about the international space station about the leak they sprung there was actually news uh this morning about an american uh well obviously an astronaut who did the orbit of the moon not on

a landing and he said he looked down at the moon and thought, I don't really fancy it much anyway. Glad I'm not land. Yeah, I think that's... Yeah, that does sound a bit like, well, I didn't want to get to the World Cup anyway. Is it basically like those T-shirts saying, I didn't fancy him anyway? I believe there is one you can buy.

Is there? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah, do you like that? So they sprung a leap, which I thought, Al, sounded a bit plotline in some mothers to have them. What a leak, you know, in the international space. Well, there's only one person, I think,

who could perhaps reconstruct how that might have been said on the show. Do you think he might have said, Houston, we're in a bit of trouble? Do you think he might have said that? We've got a problem. I don't think I'm the only person that can do a Frank Spencer impression, by the way. No, they used to be thick on the ground. You're my favourite.

I've got pretty good evidence I'm not. But there's not many left now. No. Because we did have a bit of David Bellamy the other week. Oh, that was good, wasn't it? That was special. Yeah. OK.

But he plugged it with his finger, didn't he? He stuck his finger in the hole of a spaceship. Do you mean Alexander Grist? Yeah. German astronaut. Yeah, German astronaut. Stuck his finger in. Two millimetre.

There's a very funny photograph in the tabloid where it looks like he's pointing his sort of got said finger out like a gun as if he's going, it was this one, everyone. One of my favourite literal photographs. Something they said which hadn't occurred to me when I first read the story is he might be the only person who's touched actual space. Oh, wow. Because his finger must have been against space if it was blocking the leak.

Whereas normally, obviously, if you're in space, you're in a suit. You're always protected from space. So he was actually touching leak. Whereas normally, obviously, if you're in space, you're in a suit. You're always protected from space. So he was actually touching it. Wow. So what about... Well, we should explain what happened in case anyone didn't see. So it was a meteorite, wasn't it?

Meteorite at the International Space Station. I know, but I feel... As opposed to the club space station. Although that's the thing, whenever I hear International Space Station, then I see a picture and it looks like one of those Star Wars toys. And I think I was expecting like a

bar and, you know, departure boards, people in maybe lurex bodysuits. Do you remember when I went to see Polyakov at the BFI? Yeah, do we ever. Polyakov is a cosmonaut. I read this chapter of my diary

all the time. We're so sneery of the time. You know what? We're so sneering of the culture, aren't we? Oh, Alexander Pope, Polyakov. Let me remind you that Polyakov was, I don't know if he still got the record. At the time, he had the record for the most time spent in space. Oh, yeah.

He was the bloke who went up on a Russian mission. Stephen Polyakov, the playwright? No. No. I think he's called Valerie. Valerie? Oh, no. Oh, why don't you come on over?

Didn't, yeah. I mean, why not? It's a big tribute to his mission. Oh, that would be, I wish they'd played that when he'd come on. Oh, Valerie. Oh, I don't, what is this? Why don't you come on over, Valerie? He was very like that.

They showed a clip of them on the space station and he said, it looks like we are just having fun. We do a lot of hard work. So he was quite stern. Remember I told you we had the most enormous chinos I'd ever seen? Oh, yeah.

Billowing. Yes! How could I forget the polyacous chinos? Someone talks about it in great detail. I remember him now. I just think that he was very... Because they said that recently on the International Space Station they tried to play tennis, you know,

and they have that thing at the moment. And that's what he was moaning about, because he said you don't do that, because if you do one of those things, that's all people show, and they don't show you doing scientific experiments. Yeah. Because it's not such a crowd pleaser.

He made a fair point, I think, Polyakov. Polyakov apologist. I'm happy to be quoting him now. Yeah. Polyakov, no, I can't do it. Okay. A polyakophilist. That'll do. No. Absolute. Absolute. do it. OK. A polyacophilicist.

That'll do. No. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One detail I liked in this story about the International Space Station leak was that NASA apparently decided to wait until they'd woken up to tell them about the leak. Yeah, that was. And I thought, oh, let's not spoil their morning.

Let them have a lie-in. Wow. I mean, it's not like telling you your team has lost last night. It's a potential disaster. I didn't even wait until the next day to tell my wife that I'd heard Michael Jackson had died on the radio. Did you? I got in and she said, you know what?

And I said, oh, Michael Jackson's dead. I just went straight to it. When John Lennon was shot, I got up the next morning and my mum had left a note and it said John Lennon shot outside his New York flat and then she'd written dead

and underlined it about ten times. I mean, it was the worst possible. Oh! to find out. In fact, I took the day off and got very, very drunk instead. That seems appropriate. I saw a very strange man who I used to see occasionally. It was a bit scary, but we had a dialogue, and he said to me...

Sounds a bit strange. we had a dialogue, and he said to me... Sounds a bit strange. He said, I didn't expect you to drink on a lunchtime, Tuesday or whatever day it was. And I said, yeah, one of my heroes died. He said, do you know he was one of the fifth best fencers in Europe? John Lennon? Was he?

And he was talking about Sir Oswald Mosley, the British fascist who died just shortly before. Oh, really? Slightly worried that he thought, he assumed that that was one of my heroes. Yeah, yeah, that would set off a few... There's only one fellow we're mourning today. That he didn't make the leap to John Lennon.

No, I don't know if he'd heard about it. He probably wasn't a man who had radios and things. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I'm going to go out and get drunk because I was almost this time. Wow. Different times.

Good fact, though, about him being with us. One of the fifth best faces in Uri. I mean, I should think. The bodyguards had a day off. That's if you be on high alert. Constant code red. Exactly. He was ever drawn. So in the end

they... But that fits in, doesn't it? That fits in with Polyakov saying it looks like we're having fun. Yeah. NASA saying just let him sleep. Tell them the pressure is actually dropping but we'll let him sleep. NASA's saying just let them sleep. The pressure is actually dropping but we'll let them sleep. It's that super calmness. I also

if you remember I saw Ellen Sharman interview. Do you remember that? Oh yes, yeah. The British. I do. And someone asked her if it was like a spiritual experience the first time she saw Earth from space and she said sort of people who have spiritual experiences

aren't very helpful on a space flight. So it's all about... Hear ye, hear ye. You're kind of gal. That is quality. It's all about being calm to the point of, you know... Yes, you need to sort of... Brilliant.

I call it the head of an anaesthetist. I don't imagine they're great comedy. This is why when they come back, they're often not great speakers because they're not, you know, they've done interesting things but by not being interesting. Don't kill off Polyakov's corporate. Frank will go

mad. No, I think being doll is a real plus in space. In life sometimes. Well, I don't know about that. Thank you. It makes life easier. I just know that when they said the pressure is dropping in the internet, that

nobody there would have sung Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure. Because, you know, they just would. They're not those kind of people. Absolutely true. And I sung it whilst reading the story. Did you not? As soon as it said. Yeah.

I mean, you've got to do it. I like the idea, if they had done that, that the first David Bowie vocal to be on the International Space Station wasn't Space Oddity. Or even Starman. Yes. Although I can't imagine the Russians in the background going,

Hey, no, no. No. Oh, no. They used a toothpick in the background going, Hey, no, no. No. Oh, no. They used a toothpick in the end, Frank. Well, first he put his finger in it. Then they used gaffer tape. They had a gaffer tape that was called something else. It was like Krypton tape or something.

Yeah, it made me think, oh, I'd like to get some of that. It sounds like super space tape. I don't want you getting funny tape. You'll probably get it on the internet. Do you think? Yeah. Well, Cass won't think that's weird when that turns up. We had one of those innovations.

I think the most I've ever seen Cass laugh. We had an innovations catalogue, and I sat in bed reading it to her, and they had a cruet set. Oh, yeah. Salt and pepper. And it said, never goes damp and never leaks. And it developed through NASA technology.

A cruet set. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, we've had a correction, Frank. Hold on. Hold on. Absolute Radio. So, we've had a Correzione, Frank. Hold on. Hold on. We've got one here somewhere.

It's all moved. Everything's moved. It's from one of our regulars. Correzione, Correzione. It's from Clive Silas, one of our regulars. Ah, yes. A very decent chap. He says, despite the correction, which is aimed at moi, the International Space Station was punctured by a meteor.

Meteorite, which is what I said, erroneously it turns out, who knew, is what it's called when it's been found on Earth after it has landed. Hashtag pedants corner. No, not pedants. No, no. I appreciate that. Very good point. Yeah. I have to be honest,

I didn't actually know that. I'm not ashamed. I think there might be a bit of meteorite in Pope's grotto. Oh, Frank, you've got to stop going on about Pope's grotto.

I mean, what do you talk about now? Don't stop going on about it. What's Kath going to say? Don't tell Kath. Ian Botham's autobiography. Love, great mention. Exactly.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. The way I mentioned in that space oddity there was Colonel Tom was that his

Major Tom rather? What as in Ground Control? Colonel Tom's a good point. Colonel Tom was Elvis's manager and he was called Colonel Tom. Ground Control to Colonel Tom what's happened to the money? You've stolen it all. It's Major Tom is Tommy's

surname or first name? Oh. Do you know, I think that's a real question for our readers. Yeah, me too. I love that question. I mean, would you call someone... I say if you'd say Colonel Tom, maybe you'd say Major Tom was the first name.

I mean, look at Private Benjamin. Yeah, if there's any astronauts... I think that's a surname, isn't it? Yeah. It was Goldie, wasn't it? No, that was the surname isn't it yeah it was it was goldie wasn't it no that was the actress you can't separate the actor from the character no i'm saying yeah benjamin yeah yeah okay by goldie horn yeah we get to private oh yeah so if anyone's yeah i'd like if there's any there'll be aficionados out there. Or astronauts. Imagine we got a text from the ISS. Yeah.

Imagine one of these... They're up there now. That's the weird thing, isn't it? Alexander got a game. They're actually up there now, floating about. Yeah. Three Americans, two Russians and a German. Walked into a bar.

Everybody's talking about... This is what I love about working with two comics. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist finishing that off in some way. I've got to say, and I don't like to racially stereotype, but if there's a hole in the wall... Oh, tense.

I'm just making that clear. Go on, then. If I'd said I do like to, then we'd have been tense. Yeah. I think I'd go for a German if somebody said to me there's a hole in the International Space Station

to be losing pressure, to just take it easy. Yeah. Because I think I would have been not helpful in that situation. Well, in the absence of a Dutchman there, we'd have to. Is that a Finger in the Dam reference? Yeah, but it's a modern myth. It's not real. You know, I read this story and I thought oh like the finger in the dam and then I had a moment where I thought

have I made that up? The finger in the dam thing, is that a thing? I did a gig at the Orangy Boom Boom Oh yeah. Stop name dropping. And there was two Dutch people in there and at one point water started leaking through the ceiling and I said can you stick your finger in there mate? And he got a round of applause.

And I don't think, if I did that today, I don't think they'd get, no, they did get it then, but I'm talking about how people's knowledge of the world. Well, also, it wasn't a Dutch story. I think it was an American story.

So a lot of Dutch people didn't even know what that was. Was it? Now they've taken it on as their own history. It's set in Holland, obviously. It's set in Holland, exactly. Oh, now they've got statues and all sorts.

Oh, have they? That's great. Really? I like the tourism aspect. But I know your point. I think if I had been in the space station and there was a leak, I don't think it would have even occurred to me to stick my finger in there or a toothpick, which is what I did in the end. No, I'd have been too busy praying.

What would you have... Yeah, I wouldn't have been praying, I don't think. No, you wouldn't. Well, you might have been. If you're ever going to pray, that could be it. That's the time. Yeah, I'm too busy prying. What would you have... Yeah, I wouldn't have been prying, I don't think. No, you wouldn't. Well, you might have been. If you're ever going to pry, that could be it. That's the time. Yeah, I'm not sure.

I just think it sounded a bit amateur hour, some of their solutions to this problem. I like it. Chewing gum would have been the thing. Oh, that would be good. I suppose the Americans had sold all that to the Russians. Oh, yeah.

Why is Alex Ferguson when you need him? They still do. They used to say, if ever you go to Russia, take chewing gum and leave ice. And Coca-Cola. Make a fortune. Coca-Cola. Well, if ever you go to Russia, take chewing gum and Levi's. And Coca-Cola. Make a fortune. Coca-Cola.

Well, that sounds good. What do you take now? If you want to sell stuff on your East European holiday, what do you take now? 8, 12, 15. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Go on, because that sort of enriches the experience, for us at least. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Those are your three forms of communication. Yeah. I was just admiring Emily Dean's footwear as you raised the feathers on the mic and now she's madly paranoid that there's something wrong. No, I thought I might have dropped something indiscreet. I pointed at her and gave her a thumbs up

and she noticed. Well, I've got a confession to make. Oh, right. I love a confession. Well, I mean, don't get too excited. She's in some stolen hotel flip-flops. I ran out of the house this morning in these, thinking I'll take my proper shoes with me. Do you ever do that? Never run into flip-flops, by the way,

kids. They're not. They're an open-toed leopard print Moroccan sandal. But anyway, they're my house sandal. Real leopard? No. I ran out this morning in them, thinking I'll change into my normal shoes, my nice shoes, when I get there. And I've kept them on. Good.

I've got some cheetah slippers. I just find they're faster. Yeah. I haven't, obviously. Don't start with a... OK. So we're finding out a bit about... Do you remember we were talking about Major Tom? Was it his surname?

Oh, yeah. Does anyone know? Well, 623 shed some light on it. Did you know the name Major Tom from was it his surname? Oh, yeah. Does anyone know? Well, 623 shed some light on it. Did you know the name Major Tom from Space Oddity was taken by Bowie from a poster in Brixton, where he lived? The poster was advertising a local Amdram play with a local actor by the name of Tom Major. Oh!

John Major's dad. No. Well, if this is true... I don't think that can be right. I'll tell you for why. Go on. John Major's dad and his mum, I think, were in a proper theatrical double act.

They were professionals and I don't think they'd have been in an Amdram production. OK. You sound like my mother. OK. I'm sorry, dear, but I hope not there's anything wrong with Amdram. Don't start on that. Say what you like about Frank Spinner.

You can't say what you like. He knows a lot about John Major's parents. Yes, I've spoken to John Major about it. Is this one of his... Alexander Poole and John Major's parents. He's strong on those subjects. Oh, he was born in a trunk, John Major. Oh, he knows a lot about subjects. He was born in a trunk, John Major. Oh, he knows a lot about him as well.

Born in a trunk? Yeah. Some sort of elephant ectopic pregnancy mix-up. Whatever happened to being born in strange places? 8, 12, 15. I know someone who was born on a train in Russia. Do you? That's fairly...

Really? That's fairly strange. If there's anyone listening who was born in a strange place, do let us know, because I think they're always interested in exciting stories, aren't they? I think so. We'll find out. I'm interested

in this use of the toothpick to save the space station, because my wife when I read the story, I saw her, she was in the living room as i was looking at the story and i said oh they used this toothpick and she said oh it's like that time that i um fixed a ball cock in the uh toilet downstairs yeah using a lolly stick and a lemon so she taped it into the lolly stick wow and and made the toilet work again and then the plumber got here and said

the plumber apparently said I've seen a lot of makeshift stuff but never a lemon and a lolly stick which is good but didn't leave it there I would have quite liked them to have just said you can use this for a bit if you want I'd bet £10 that you still ate the lemon

if I did I don't know it it might have been an act of malice for the family that you still ate the lemon. If I did, I don't know it. It might have been an act of malice. I wouldn't be capable of any of that. When I first moved into... When I first lived on my own, I moved into a... Actually, it wasn't the first time. The first time I lived on my own outside of academia, I moved into a bed seat in a place called Harbour in Birmingham.

And the bed I, going back to where we were before I'd got no sheets or anything it hadn't occurred to me that they just didn't come with the bed so the first night I just slept on a mattress you can see the buttons on me

the next morning the print of the buttons oh you must have been cold what did you put over you? I didn't say that did you put a tea towel or something or a coat Did Cinderella say that? So, yeah, I'd say... Did you put, like, a tea towel or something or a coat? I think, luckily, it was quite warm when I moved in.

But anyway, the other thing was one of the legs had broken on the bed, so the whole bed dropped into one corner. Right. And so the only thing I had was I had a large tin of baked beans which i put onto that corner of the bed brilliant to keep it upright and you know what it was there for about three years that's great yeah i know what i love it couldn't be any more bedsit cliche

and if ever there'd been a nuclear attack i'd have been all right in that bed so i honestly thought you were going to go for hardback books but straight to the television. It was perfect. It was. It worked great. It was just the right height. This was pre-ring pull. Oh, right. I don't know if I've told you about that injury. A Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio Al you were mentioning there's a lot of life hacks but it's a bit of make do and mend thing similar to the ISS the behaviour of the astronauts on the ISS

I'm no stranger great context work by the way I had to do it I always like to sum up for new readers I am no stranger. Great context work, by the way. I had to do it. I always like to sum up for new readers. I am no stranger to the business card slid in between the recesses of my laptop. Oh, God. That was...

We OK? I really didn't know what that was. You OK? Right to the penultimate word. I know, I know. So the reason being that it removes the grime. Oh, you've never seen that. I'm going to show you later, Frank.

What's it about? What's it about is sometimes your space bar gets a bit sticky. Is it almost like flossing for the keys? You've got it in one hour. Oh, I get you. And what do you do? You just slide it around the edges?

Slide the business card throughout the surrounding area of the keys. Hush my mouth. Like people do with a toothpick, as you'd say. Toothpick? You just go in between the... Oh, I see. Yeah, you've got it.

You go in between the keys and all that. Yeah, it works an absolute treat. Because you clean that laptop, but hidden dirt lies under the surface. We've already established this morning that's something that doesn't seem to trouble either of you too much. Yeah. Do give it a go. I've been making a mistake. I've been just leaving them to soak overnight.

No, that's not me. Did I tell you about that swimming pool I went to? I can't remember if I told you about it. Where was it? At Alton John's house? I was at Soho House, which is where the old BBC building used to be. Oh, right. Oh, yes.

On the 10th floor, there's a swimming pool. This was like a Monday lunchtime. And I went up there and it was absolutely crammed with people in bikinis and tiny little blokes in

speedos. All these beautiful people but you couldn't have put a half a crown piece down on the ground. And it was packed with beautiful people and I thought I'd love to just get out of my pants there and sit here and spoil it.

Like a horrible wears Wally thing. But they were all on laptops. And I thought... Not in their swimwear. Yeah, in their swimwear. Shut up. Oh, that sucks.

I can't go on a laptop in my swimwear. And there were people lying down with the laptop on their belly. Not on the... Working. And I thought, they are going to get the worst tan line ever. They're going to look like

Teletubbies. They're going to get that screen in the belly. And also, if they've bought a cheap laptop, they might well get a battery burn on the tum-tum. They haven't bought a cheap laptop, these people. No, it was all the MacBooks. They've got rich older people to buy them laptops.

It was... Can I just say... That's where I went. No vacancies. Frank, I don't like bikinis near a laptop. I think it's, you know, keep the two worlds separate. Well, it was a very hot day. But Monday lunchtime, I mean,

those of you working, you know, factories and stuff, just think of what's happening in other parts of the world. It's incredible. I'd love to have took a photo, but obviously that could have been tricky. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Well, I'm very excited because we've had a communique from the Pope's Grotto Trust, Frank. Oh, thank goodness. When Pope's Grotto Trust gets mentioned on Absolute Radio, you know we've really arrived. Thank you, at Frank on the Radio.

That's from Pope's Grotto Trust. Everyone will be talking about it now. There'll be Capital will be doing it. There's Pope's Grotto Week. Everyone will be talking about it now. Capital will be doing it. Is Pope's Grotto weak? They're always playing catch-up. Yeah. To balance it out, 729 has texted, are you discussing the Pope's Grotto in Twickenham?

My husband and I were the managers there for a short time. Not the Pope's Grotto. Managers at the grotto? Oh, is that the pub, do you mean? No, maybe they just. Managers at the grotto? Oh, is that the pub, do you mean? They were the... No, maybe they just managed the actual grotto. I think they managed the... I think there was a pub called Pope's Grotto,

which might now just be called the Alexander Pope. I'd like you to know so much information about Pope's Grotto and the surrounding area. I don't know if this helps, Frank, but the T before Pope is not capitalised, so it's, are you discussing the Pope's Grotto? Oh, I see. In Twickenham.

I don't think it is a pub, I think it's Pope's Grotto. I don't want to fall out over... I totally... There's a manager, though. Well, they say, my husband and I were managers there for a short time in 1981, still have the occasional nightmare about the place. That's from Eileen Page.

Oh, come on, Eileen. Yay! Trayvon. Never heard that before in your life. I'll bet. I won't have that said about the grotto. Watch out with Eileen Page. She can turn.

Oh! Oh! Oh. Anyway, that's... I bet they managed the pub that was called Pope's Grotto. Well, Eileen, if you're listening and you can clear this up, that would be really helpful. She must be listening.

What is she, a psychic? I mean, still listening. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah, she might have thought, I sent that message... It's a very bad reception, I imagine. Oh, she might be a psychic. I'm disgusted immediately.

I'm out of here. I mean, let's face it, she wouldn't be the first Eileen to be a psychic, would she, boys? No, that's true. I don't know what the network coverage is like in the grotto. Well, she's not there anymore. I like the idea of them having managers, though, and sort of AGMs and meetings. You're late, start time

at the grotto is 9am, to do what? The trust is a real thing. It's a real thing, yeah. Maybe Pope's grotto trust could tell us if they've ever employed managers I mean they know what they're up to I just don't think that's management You also asked if people were born in strange

places and 814 has texted my son. You know what the perfect answer is going to be. Yeah, 814. My son was born in the Pope's grotto. No. I made that up. It's not going to be as good as that. Everyone just manage your expectations now.

Hang on, I'm just doing it. My son Otis was born in Asda car park last year so people are still born in strange places. Wow, I hope he was born in a child parent slot. They were just going to get clamped for being in the child parent, and he said, come on, see if you can force that. And just as they arrived,

oh, the baby was born and they saved it. Did I tell you what that happened to me in a supermarket? Oh, yeah. We'd covered the windows because it was really sunny born and they saved it. Did I tell you what that happened to me in a supermarket? We'd covered the windows because it was really sunny and Buzz was in the back. He was a baby in the baby seat. And this guy came up and said, excuse me, you're not supposed to park here unless you've got a child. And I opened the door and

da-da! There he was. It was great. Busy body. Yeah, exactly. was it was a great brilliant busy body yeah exactly frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio we should really do some animal news uh on on the show more frequently not just about my whippet lucky and the, and the next one, Lockier. There's been a story this week that a bear, this is not a joke, a bear turned up in a liquor store.

It went in, you know, in America. Yeah, a liquor store. Not like off-licence. I've seen them called liquor stores here now. Have you? Yeah. It's a bit of a sort of East London trendy thing. Is it?

Yeah. It's all changing, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Do you remember 20 years ago, like, there was no UPS vans, and now you see UPS vans here, and you see yellow school buses. It's all... Oh, do you? Yeah, I've seen yellow school buses in England. Yeah, and they've got the...

Right there. They've got the Statue of Liberty now in Brentford. Yeah, it's all different, isn't it? Yeah. People wear baseball caps here. That's true, yeah. Weird. Bad hair day, I always think.

Yeah, eat lots. Just cover it. Eat lots. Eat a bit more. But yeah, the bear, I've seen a bit of VT, as they say in the biz. I've seen a bit of VT, videotape. And the guy sees the bear sort of in between two sliding doors. The automatic doors, yeah.

Yeah, he gets a bit concerned that the bear is going to set off the door. And so he just reaches straight up and just locks it. Like there's a manual locking thing at the top. Yeah. And I thought that was very good presence of mind. Because I think I would have just panicked. I mean, he was a black bear.

Was he on an all fours? Whoa. I think he was. He was on all fours. He wasn't in there to bite Hoffmeister. No. But the reason

that that type of bear, I believe, is not traditionally one of the most ferocious or aggressive. I know, but you wouldn't think that. If you saw a bear in a shop...

I'd be fine with a black bear. It's the grizzly. I personally wouldn't be Googling it if there was a bear in a shop. I'm just saying, of the bears, they're the ones that I'd want to hang out with most. No, they're... Have you not seen that film about that bloke

and at the end he gets... Oh, Grizzly Man. Yeah. Good film. It's a bad ending. Yeah, it is, but, you know, you reap what you sow to a certain extent. Well, that is, you know,

if life's going to give you lemons... That's what I always say. I always say Paris Gump and leave it there. The store was called Quazy Bruce's. Of course it was. I mean, it's going to be one of those places, isn't it, where people are queuing at 7 o'clock in the morning for a drink. I don't like the idea of Crazy Bruce being in charge of the liquor.

I'd be willing to bet money that Crazy Bruce has some sort of shotgun on the premises. Oh, yeah, you could. Well, that'd be handy for the bear. No. Listen. I think that'd be a legit killing, wouldn't it, if you shot a bear in your shop?

Yeah. Someone said they thought it was a man. So it was a man? I've got to say, yeah, but let's just be honest. Sometimes it might be reasonable in that part of the world. Well, in that shop, a man on all fours is not out of the question. A large, heavy set man on all fours. I's not out of the question. A large, heavy set man on all fours. I think that's a reasonable mistake to make.

That's why none of the regulars said anything because they thought they were the only ones who could see. It would be, I mean, it would be, it would be terrifying. Sort of like a stag do figure just dressed as a bear. Is that what you mean? You could, I mean I've seen some realistic costumes but I mean if you... Someone said

they thought it was a big dog. That maybe. That's someone who's drunk isn't it? Yeah. What a crazy bruises. What a massive... Everything looks like a big dog if you drink that much. Yeah. The world looks like a big dog if you drink that much. Yeah. The world looks like a big dog.

Yeah, so Paddington, if you take Paddington 3, Paddington 2... Oh, yeah, take Paddington as an average bear. They could have been filming Paddington 3. Now I think you'll find that Yogi Bear was smarter than the average bear. That's true. What about the hair bear bunch? Yes. Yeah.

They wouldn't have got through the automatic doors, I think, would they? Mr Beasley would have seen to that. Ooh, ooh. Mr Beasley. No one will remember that, but it doesn't matter. No, but it's for us. When did we ever care?

When did we care? I forgot what I was saying. You were saying about... Oh, I can't remember what you were saying. Oh, was it Mara anyway? There could have been... That's the spirit. Padding saying I'm sorry Paddington Paddington doesn't look like a real bear

no he's wearing a hat and a jacket far from that though even though it's fabulous animation you wouldn't think as I said I think when I saw Paddington too he would have been shot with a knockout dart if he'd been in central London there would have been people with a knockout dart if he'd been in central London like that.

There wouldn't have been people waving and all that. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I suppose they are allowed to have brewing on the premises. To have what? Brewing. Brewing? Brewing.

On the premises. Oh, yeah. He's done a pun. I don't know if I get this joke. They're allowed to have brewing on the premises. Brewing. Brewing. I don't get if I get this joke. They're allowed to have brewing on the premises. Brewing. Brewing. I don't get it.

As Donald Trump would say, if I misjoked... Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. and Cochrane. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. We've also got some news just in from Eileen729

who used to be the manager of what was it called? Pope's Grotto. Pope's Grotto. And she said, yes, it was the pub. I knew it. That is now some sort of hotel. Yeah, but I think it's called The. Pope's Grotto. And she said, yes, it was the pub. I knew it. That is now some sort of hotel.

Yeah, but I think it's called the Alexander Pope now. Do you know what I like? We've given him a plug, though. Is that someone saying, yes, it was the pub, and Frank saying, I knew it. That's not the first time that exchange has occurred in your life. No, it's not. Just saying.

But I just don't think the Grotto's is the place where you'd have a couple managing it is what I'm saying well give it time Frank with your help we'll see how it goes we've got various loose ends that we can tidy up let's take up some loose ends

it's not loose winning 196 has texted I hope it's a bit warmer than that I may be slightly out of whack but don't you sweat a few pints during the night? From Sally, clean but not shiny. I think that's about my bedding issues. Sally, I think you might be bedwetting.

I don't think anyone does pints of sweat in the night. Sally claims to be clean but not shiny. I think she might. If she's texting from the tropics, I think that's possible. But I don't think... I don she might. If she's texting from the tropics, I think that's possible. But I don't think... I don't know. I suppose in the recent hot snap...

Keep with. What do you want? When the rain came... The rain? No, not the rain. The rain. When the rain came recently. Because my...

Difficult house guest, isn't she? The rain, yeah. I hear she sweats. Oh, very sweats very demanding very demanding but she's gone back to Dundee now so when the rain finally got

our lawn was going yellow with the sun it was so intensely hot and there was a hose pipe ban at least that's what I told the whole family it bit me couldn't be bothered but anyway I imposed was a hosepipe ban. At least that's what I told the whole family. It bit me. Couldn't be bothered. But anyway, I imposed my own hosepipe ban.

And when it rained, I'm not kidding, I stood by the window and watched the rain hitting. And I said out loud, drink up, old friend. I was really excited. And then Adrian Charles happened to be sitting next to you.

Exactly. And he said, oh, I could do a documentary about that. A fantasy movie, isn't it, Frank? And thus a star is born. Which is, I think, the new Lady Gargant. Lady Gargant and Bradley Cooper. Is it? Yeah.

Used to be Judy Garland, James Mason, times change. Yeah, it's also Chris Christopherson, Barbara Streisand. Do you know Elvis was offered that and turned it down? Shut up. There you go. Because Colonel Tom said he didn't want Elvis portrayed as a fading star. Oh dear. That's a shame, they could have set it in the ground door.

Yeah. Ooh, then one night in desperation, That's a shame. They could have set it in the ground door. Yeah. Ooh. Then one night in desperation, Bounce escaped. A song about the life of Alexander. What's that coming over the hill? Is it a mastiff? Is it a mastiff? Is it a mastiff?

I'd love it if that was your second number one. It was a song about Alexander Pope. Alexander Pope, the musical. I think it could work. It's on. Come on. Just going to get my notepad. Let's get scribbling.

We can workshop this. Thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am

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