The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Parking

Episode Date: June 13, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank offers some parking tales and some tennis tips this week. They team discuss Mossy, Friend of the Show Elton John and the 'The trouble with Girls' science boffin story.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. That's 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

There now. Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There now. All my housekeeping is done in a little gobbit at the front of the show. Lovely. Thank you very much. Congratulations to Van Morrison, who is now

Sir Van Morrison. I tell you what, he's done well for himself. He has. Is it Sir Lenny Henry? It is, and Lenny Henry said... This isn't for me, this is for... Sir Henry, Frank, sounds a bit like a 70s ventriloquist act. I don't like it.

Sir Henry? Yeah, it's just a bit wrong. Well, it's Sir Lenny, though, isn't it? Oh, isn't it? OK. I think they go for the first name. No, but he said everyone who has done anything for Comet Relief shares in this award so I could call myself

Sir Frank that's nice when do I get it when do I get to wear it the mantelpiece then we find out so I think is it raining is this what it's come to we're starting with the weather Oh, soon then we find out. So, um, I think, is it raining?

Is this what it's come to? We're starting with the weather on today. Sorry, I'd like to thank the police, everyone. What I'm setting up is I went to the seaside this week. Oh, lovely set-up. I'm setting up the contrast, you see. Lovely set-up. Seamless. Yes. Well, it would have been.

How's your week been, Frank? Sorry to ruin your joke, Frank. It wasn't a joke. I'll say it wasn't. It was scene-setting. How's your week been, Frank? Sorry to ruin your joke, Frank. It wasn't a joke. I'll say it wasn't. It was scene setting. How was the seaside, Frank? Oh, it was lovely. I went to Whitstable, which, if you don't know, is in Kent.

Oh, yeah. And, oh, man. I'll tell you the first thing. The parking was absolutely impossible. A partridge? Is it raining? The parking? No, but I drove round the town. It's upsetting, isn't it? I was on my seventh or eighth circuit of the town.

No, I feel your pain. You know when you start to get that feeling in your stomach there might not be anywhere at all? I can't leave this car just anywhere. Did I tell you about when I lived in Birmingham and my mate drove us... We were going to go to Oxford for the day, and he drove us to Oxford, and we drove round and round, and he couldn't find a parking space anywhere,

and he went, oh! And he drove us back to Birmingham. With me sitting in complete silence on the way back, because I was too frightened to speak. He was so furious, he just completely gave up. And every time I have a moment like that in Whitstable, I have that flashes before me. Am I just going to turn round?

I relate to that. I'd do that, I think. Oh, no, you can't do that. You know what I'm enjoying about this? It's just the visible excitement on the cockerel's face. As you saw, you mentioned parking. I really want to get forensic about the parking problems of Whitstable. But speaking about parking what about when you actually find somewhere I mean it is like it's better than being knighted. Yeah it's amazing because it's more somewhat more real and practical about it. The papers have overlooked that for today

haven't they that Frank Skinner finds parking space. They've overlooked that. Frank, do you put the, what I call the possessive indicator on to say, this is mine, no other brother's coming near me? Well, I got in close on this, but the thing is, it was one of those when it was old couple about to leave. Well, that can mean anything. You couldn't get the sandwiches out,

couldn't you? I bet you I was there, I'm no kidding, I was there, I bet, eight minutes while they were... while they remembered how to drive again. That's what it felt like. Have you got... get the manual. Is that the gear? That's the gear, isn't it? It felt like that.

But they pulled out and I went into the space. Honestly, I can't tell you the elation. I did, I felt... Talking about it, no now reliving it now i'm quite emotional did you give them a little wave as they emerged did i was sick of them by then and did you stay elated on the seven mile walk to the center of whitstable or was it just like was it a space that was pretty handy he hasn't even talked us through space insertion yet no but the joy well i tell you what i i went formal i went i went i went in head first into the space rogue yeah no why why so because i'd waited so long i just wanted to get in there before something else happened i understand

i don't i don't i mean i'm a big fan of reversing in, but I rarely have the courage. I thought about reversing in and just lost my nerve at the last minute. For me, reversing in is like doing a degree. Because, you know, deferred gratification, do you know the idea of that? You put all the hard work and difficulty in because your reward will come later. And is there any better feeling than walking back to the car knowing you've reversed in so it's going to be a straight forward?

Oh, lovely. That you've done all the hard yakka. But I didn't do that. More parking later. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got an update for you from... Is it true? Can I just ask before you do the other?

Is it true that if after a meal in India you belt, they take that as an enormous compliment? You just said it was, so I've taken it at face value. OK, pardon? I'm not sure it's in India, that. Oh, is it? Where is it, then? Is it your house? Is it just your house? No, I'd be... I'd throw them out.

I'd physically throw them out. Would you? Physically? Yeah. All right, just so you know. So here's another update. Frank, there is free parking on Whitstable seafront. There's also a lovely old-fashioned cafe with sumptuous sea views. That's the owner. That's the text from the owner.

Yeah, that's right. Mike, he says. Well, I, um... That would have all been used up. Bear in mind, we didn't get there till about three. Oh. You know, I have a radio show to do. Nobody told us that.

Rachel tweeted to say, I live in the centre of Whitstable, and I always find a space. But what? However, however, hold your high horses. Okay. However, I always have a sigh of relief when parked. Well, it is lovely.

And I'll tell you what was the extra treat, is because I was with the family, we took a while to unload once I'd parked. So we had three different people slow up and say, are you arriving or are you going? And I had the pleasure of saying, no, no, we've just got here, sorry. So much fun you just spent the whole day by the car fielding other people trying to get in this bus. It made me realise that I would be perfectly OK

being the person who says, I'm sorry, there's no more room in the lifeboat. Has that only just dawned on you? Exactly. No, I thought I might struggle with it, but no, I'll be fine with it. Frank, what about when I found a parking space, brace yourselves, right outside the gates of London Zoo?

No, that's... I of London Zoo? No. That's... I was king of the world. That's it. King of the world. You can have those lucky breaks when someone who got the really good space is just gone. I mean, that is...

People were pointing at me going, look at that woman. They couldn't believe... There were apes. There were great apes pointing at her. I parked outside the Royal Albert Hall for a big concert. I just got there and somebody was... That's a bit of 70s, driving to the Royal Albert Hall. a big concert. I just got there and somebody was... That's about 70s, driving to the Royal Albert Hall.

Somebody was just tootling away as I got in, just straight outside. Brilliant. Aww. I remember that. That was 15 years ago. If you've got any stories about parking you've enjoyed in the past... Your best 8, 12, 15.

I think it's the best texting we've ever done. Yeah, I do as well. David Padilla. You know, I did a parallel park on my street with my mum and my wife in the car, and I said, Booyah, which my daughter says all the time. I didn't even realise that I was in the car with other people, but I'd nailed the parallel park, and I went,

Booyah. It takes confidence. You see, David Baddiel drives a lot, I find. And I always laugh at him for this, because he drives into the centre of London all the time. He drove to the BAFTAs, which I find extraordinary. Well, it's a combination of confidence and not wanting to play the campfire.

I don't know which is the greater pull of the two, but I have my theories. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about parking this morning... Well, no, that was one aspect of my trip to Whitstable, is that it took a long time to park, but I made it.

It's an aspect that the people have picked up on, I think it's fair to say. Am I being applauded nationwide? Well, people are joining in. Not the first time you've asked that question. People are joining in. 032 has texted, when I went to see Ramstein with my dad.

We are leaving America. America. We managed to... You've turned into Dracula, Ramstein. Listen to this story. We managed to get a parking spot underneath the covers of the O2 next to the tour bus. Shut up. What? Surely you weren't

supposed to be there. I bet there's a space. There's spaces everywhere. Rammstein? You were at the O2. Yeah. Really? That's the bit of this story that you think's impressive?

It must have been Indigo Bar. I don't know who Rammstein are. Rammstein are a sort of German thrash metal type band. One of Jonathan Ross's

favourites. Shouldn't they be in the big room then? I'd be surprised if they filled the big room. There's not that much call for it these days, that kind of music, is there, Frank? Let's be honest, it's you and Jonathan Ross listening, and that's it.

That's it. And I don't think either of us went. No wonder he parked next to the tour bus. It's not like you've been conspicuous or anything. Jonathan in a canary yellow suit. You haven't gone far to what? The gig was on the tour bus. OK, well, that's what a result that is.

Isn't it? I mean, there are more people texting and stories of successful parking. We've had so many. But what about, well, 538, hi, guys. Not sure about guys, but anyway. I'm not sure about hi. Is it a legal hi, or?

I think that is a legal hi. Okay, fine. He's texting a radio station. Hi, guys. Re-parking. My friend and I... Re, I like you say. He's clawed it back.

He wasn't anticipating a comprehension exercise for his email, but there you go. Re-parking. My friend and I drove to Manchester on Saturday for an evening out clubbing. Oh, I'm getting the picture. Legends. And couldn't find a single car parking space after driving around the circuit for one hour. Oh. Good use of circuit.

The horror. We found a car park with two spaces, but it was only open until midnight, and to no avail, as we intended to stay at the club until 2am. At least. Hence we gave up and drove back home. And even had to top up petrol on the way home as we'd wasted so much.

That's from Julia in Dale Hall in the Midlands. See, I think the secret is that you can park a little bit out of town and walk in, and it's absolutely desperate. Yeah. Anyway, I also did something I haven't done for, oh, 15 years or more.

Oh, God. I played tennis. Did you, Frank? And I'll tell you what I did. I hit this ball. Now, one of you will know the rule on this. I hit this mighty lob into the sky. It went up, it bounced just about six inches over the net.

And then it came back and landed on my side. Oh! Now, we had a bit of a debate about whether that was my point or not. So did it initially bounce in the opponent's? It bounced over there and then it came back to me. Now I thought, if I can do this on a regular basis, I could beat anyone in the world. Sarah, who's working on the show today,

is shaking her head as if she's... Who looks like a bit of a tennis buff. Oh, she is. She's saying no. What? What's that? It's got to touch the racket. So if it's not hit his racket, then he's fouled. Well, it hasn't got to touch the racket, has it? What about an ace?

Well, then, because you've won the point. Yeah, so you have won the point. Yeah. So Frank has won the point. Does that mean I've won the point if it doesn't touch his racket? Yeah, if it bounces again before... I'll get back to you. OK.

Well, honestly, I could be Nadal if I can do that on a regular basis. Yeah, you could that point I could be Nadal If I can do that On a regular basis Just do really high lobster Don't call him Nadal What's his name? If you're playing him Don't call him

Hi Nadal What's his name then? Nadal Oh for goodness sake You could call him Rafa If you're on the list I love the days When he'd have just been

Ralph Nadel You know what I mean? That doesn't exist It's got his name. No, but Terry Henry, because we used to anglicise names in the good old days. Now we have to go,

Jose Mourinho. Joe Mourinho he would have been. Oh, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the swapping of nationalities across the globe. But, you know, when in Rome, let them call you what they want to call you.

Every Indian bloke I knew in the 70s was called something like Fred or Dave. They just couldn't be bothered. They couldn't be bothered. Put the music on. They couldn't be bothered to explain the real one. Play it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. I'm not sure we've got absolute conclusive answer to your tennis question, but 240 has helpfully texted I'm sure that tennis query works in table tennis. That's it.

Okay, but I haven't really answered it, but it's good to know. It's good to know the two worlds haven't completely become diverse. My boyfriend, who, as you know, is something of a boffin, he knows about this kind of stuff. He says it is definitely your point. And Sarah, we've established on the show, is a qualified tennis coach.

And she didn't know. She had to Google it. She had to Google without... I was playing tennis with a tennis coach. But Sarah says it is Frank's point. In that case, I could beat anybody in the world if I could do that on a regular basis. You couldn't.

That's the if. No, I couldn't. Of course I could. If. Because how could they possibly... How can you beat someone who hits the ball and it bounces back over the net? It'd be like the Fosbury flop.

You know, somebody does something who changes sport forever. Like the reverse sweep. The reverse sweep? Yes, it's something that Sooty told me about. It's absolutely disgusting. Yeah, but you couldn't constantly recreate that shot every single time. Do you think people might catch

on to what you're doing? Yeah, but if I've never worked at it, no one's ever worked at it. No one know I can do it. All I've got to do is have half an hour on the court, I could win Wimbledon. Half an hour. Half an hour. Well, it might take longer than that. Who needs the 10,000?

Just half an hour will do. Yeah, but because I've got a shot that basically ruins the game. Yeah. That brings me endless victory. I wonder if they've ever encountered that. I'd be paid off. I bet I'd be paid off by the national tennis.

You'd be paid off, Frank. I would. Who's just going to spend money on that? You wouldn't accept that. Wear a FIFA when you need them. If they were running tennis, I'm sure I could make millions out of this. They're just paying me not to play. I love the whole idea that they're paying you off.

Because I'd ruin it. I'd ruin tennis. The other person would just be starting. They wouldn't even take their trackies off, the other person. Here's the thing though, how's it gonna start? Let's imagine that I'm a world class tennis player, you're playing me. Okay. So it's your serve. Let's say it's Ralph Nadel. You serve it to me and I crack it back. Okay. And then you absolutely welly it up into

the air, do you? That's it. And it bounces in my side of the court. And then it's over. And then it's back over to your side. My point. Steve laughs Steve laughs What's your problem, What's complicated about it? What if I run in and just let it, I just nudge it back your way? It's not as easy as, you know, it bounces and then it's over the neck. I don't think you realise the difficulty.

Once it's gone back over the neck, it gets very, they don't normally have to cope with playing shots the other side of the neck. Do you serve underarm? I bet you do. I do not serve underarm. Wow. Certainly not. I wish I'd gone in for a bit of underarm about third serve in,

because I'd smell terrible on the upward stroke. And I serve with the flat hand. That's something a tennis coach... Because I used to throw the ball in the air, it used to go a bit wayward. Now I don't really throw it I put it on my flattened palm And I just push it into the air And then I hit it like there's no tomorrow Beckwith

And off it goes There you go Tennis tips Get everything in this show Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, the whole day, the whole seaside experience

culminated with a barbecue on the beach. Oh, disposable that you'd taken with you. No, no, we dug a hole and filled it with wood. And made a fire. Made a fire. And you were recently accused of serving underarm at tennis and now you come up with this macho story. It's just a question. Well it was and to be honest

I was, when I say we did it I mean I was there when it happened. What is it about men and barbecues? Went to Whitstable with Bear Grylls did you? That's going to be my opening line for my new tour. What is it about men and barbecues? But why do men get obsessed about these barbecues? Why do men get obsessed about

these barbecues? It wasn't just men who were there. Oh, come on. In fact, one of the main perpetrators was a 13 year old girl. Perpetrators? Of the barbecue. See, they know how to do it. I wasn't suggesting there were any crimes committed. No, but because they live near the beach, they know what you do. You dig the hole

and then you light the fire and then you can just fill it in with sand after nothing, you know what I mean you haven't left anything ugly but I had I'll tell you what was really what was a fabulous walk down memory lane waking up on

Sunday morning with smoky clothes I thought you were going to say waking up on the beach with your clothes still on, I'm not being rude but that's a walk down memory lane yeah it was my clothes bobbing say waking up on the beach with your clothes on. I'm not being rude. But that's a worked-out memory lane. Yeah, with my clothes bobbing up and down on the sea. You know, waking up with smoky clothes used to be the absolute standard thing before the smoking bag. Awful. I hated that awfulness.

Oh, but the barbecue tang is lovely. Yeah, but also, there must be a technical explanation for the fact that wherever you stand next to a bonfire, the smoke is coming at you. That could be the Skinner effect. That could be it. It's like I'm a smoke magnet. Yeah.

Have you noticed it? Wherever you go, the smoke comes after you. Yeah. It's true I'm a smoke magnet. Yeah. Have you noticed it? Wherever you go, the smoke comes after you. Yeah. It's true, Frank. Anyway, I had five sausages. Lovely. Lovely. And cooked.

One of my favourite stories you've ever told. I suppose with your history of eating raw sausages, the barbecue holds no peril for you. Oh, no, I don't care. It's like that Frank has bothered to tell us that he had five sausages. Well, I remember. That's an alright appetite, five. I'd had four. It's like that Frank has bothered to tell us that he had five sausages. Well, I remember. That's an all right appetite, five.

I'd had four. Did you have any burgers as well, or just the five sausages? No, no. Alan, I just want to get to the bit where he nearly had four, because this is really exciting. No, I had four. Please don't let me miss this gold. And I could have done without the other one,

but then I thought, you know, I'm going to go for the complete hand. A hand of sausages sausages i love the idea of i've eaten them out of a glove if i'd known i was going to have five there wasn't a lot of that you could have added as a thumb well they're just skinny skinny fit ones or the now these were proper they weren't those yeah oh god yeah good for you are they good for your sausages yeah i haven't heard that i must admit that's one of those one of those crazy health things yeah that's completely i'm not a proper doctor but you can take it from me they're good for you but when you have a sausage on a beach you really feel like you've cheated nature

because it's all sand and water and it's all natural phenomenon and then you brought in that thing that man has done to nature is you've taken an animal and made it into a neat little package for eating. Perfect. Lovely. Okay, you can condemn the human race. You know what? We're pretty clever. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner

Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show. Some have, some will do. On 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio. Webby. And we have got various textings running, haven't we? Like, tell us your stories about how well you've parked at some point in your life. It's not how well you've parked. It's in your life. It's not how well you've parked it's when you get one of those parking spots that you just shouldn't get. When God has

smiled on you. It's worth it and it just puts. Oh when you're so adjacent. Puts a spring in your step doesn't it? You walk an inch taller. It's the best thing ever. Anyway we have news of a friend of the show. I think he's a friend of the show. Sir Elton John. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Not newly knighted. He's, uh, he's a long time. Um, he, uh- In tracksuit or stage wear? Uh, stage wear. Okay. Stage wear. It's one or the other, really, isn't it? He was, he was always-

Not the white, he hadn't gone for the white shell. No, he was, uh- I love him in the white shell. You know what I like? I like when he's angry in the white shell. Oh. He's not a stomp in the shell. The white shell and the box fresh trainers. Well, he did get a bit angry, but he got angry at, um, I suppose he got angry at bossiness.

It's hard to know who's the most wrong in this story. He likened a steward at one of his concerts. In Gloucester, yes. To Hitler. Hello, Gloucester! As she tried to stop crowds from surging forward during the gig. She, uh, like, she was saying, don't go there, and he said something like, you know, it's not China.

If they want to enjoy the music, they can. Let them get on with it. And then he compared it to Hitler, which makes me think he's got a terrible grasp of history. Yes. No, what he said, Al, was you put a uniform on and you think you're Hitler. Yeah.

As if Hitler is some behavioural standard to be aspired to. I know but he has never sounded more 68 years old. That's exactly what old people say to people like traffic wardens and stuff. Get a uniform on. Also you don't see many

bits of footage of Hitler in the high-vis vests where he's dressed like a steward. No, I wouldn't say he was low-profile, though, by nature. The problem with it was that they were... But then, hold on a minute, he said, you think you're Hitler, but you're not. As if it would be

alright if it was Hitler. You know, I'd take that from Hitler. Well, he seems to be saying, hey, you've got a long way to go before you reach those heady... Also, can I point out, Hitler was brilliant at crowd control. Yeah. That was his specialist area. He was actually very pro people putting their hands in the air.

He was. It was essential. Can you not edit this podcast to Frank saying Hitler was brilliant? That would be good. I think also, well, this problem seems to be that the people in the cheaper seats were moving forward, weren't they? Yeah. Because they couldn't see. Yes, they did that.

It was meant to be a seated gig, wasn't it? What happened is people, you know, they did that thing, the band comes on stage and then they want to stand at the front. When you say the band, one man in a sequined jacket. Well, no, I'm sure he had a band with him. Birmingham Grandmother Hair. But when they saw Sir Elton, they raced forward to the barriers to stand.

Well, you would. And the people who'd paid a lot of money to sit at the front couldn't see anything. That's what happened, basically, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, the one who's emerged unscarred is his actual mum, who had a look-alike round, so it's totally fine for her.

No problem at all. Yeah, true. Well, she... I have to say, the China thing as well. Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have even registered with him when he said, we're not in China.

Yeah. But I heard a rumour this week that West Bromwich Albion are about to be bought by a billionaire Chinese person. And suddenly, I've taken a much more liberal attitude to their entire civil rights record. I've thought, you know, it's difficult. It's difficult controlling that many people.

Sometimes, you know, you have to have the iron fist in the velvet cloth. It's amazing, isn't it, what changes the opinions as life goes on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 619 has texted, perhaps China will force all less citizens to be Baggies fans, one billion plus at the Hawthorns. We couldn't hold it.

Going to need a bigger stadium, that's what they say. It's up about 28 and a half, I think we can handle. Is it really? Yeah. Yeah, but you know, they'll be welcome. You always see them at the old Liverpool games, Man United games, the South Asians.

Yeah. Spend a lot in the shop, apparently. Hey! Well, come on! You know, this is business. Come on! It's business. Unbelievable. It's all for the good of the club. Come on. It's business. Unbelievable. It's all for the good of the club.

That's what it's all about. Okay. Shall we go to email corner? Yes, I think we should. Hurry. Let me see if I can find the damn thing. Oh, dear. Here we go. I have to read the emails because Alan had absolutely lost it.

Here we go. Hold yourselves in. Tremendous stuff. Okay. Do you want me to read the emails out? Okay. We've lost Alan. Temporarily. Someday in the Lindor chocolate factory in Cologne. It was great and well worth a visit.

Top tip, go in the afternoon and it's not busy. No mention of the shop, fortunately. That's from Sarah, who loves the show. In case some of you are thinking that this is a communist code that's coming, I should explain that I went to Cologne recently to see the cathedral with some of my comedy colleagues and we were going to go to the

chocolate factory, the Lindor, and the guy, the actual guy who drove the chocolate express to take us there said it's a bit busy. So we didn't go. And now it turns out if you go in the afternoon, you're alright. But a Sunday afternoon? Yeah, a Sunday afternoon. so we didn't go. And now it turns out if you go in the afternoon, you're all right.

But a Sunday afternoon? Yeah, a Sunday afternoon. You might not have been there at the right time. You know, did I ever tell you my mother used to work in a chocolate factory? Did she? She worked for Bluebird Toffees. Do you remember those? Oh, I do.

And then she worked at a cake factory. Yeah. And then she worked in a fish and chip shop. Oh, yeah. She had a plan, didn't she? If you think about it, it was bringing stuff home to feed us. Yes. Yeah. She remember, I remember, she brought home, she had a plastic bag she brought in, quite a big plastic bag.

Yeah. And she got in and she emptied it onto the turkey plate. Now the turkey plate only came out at Christmas normally because it was the biggest plate in the house. You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw it. And what it was, was an enormous, I'm going to call it a wodge. I don't even know if that's a word.

An enormous wodge of marzipan. Ooh. It was like a mar... You know that bit in Close Encounters when he makes the mountain of the mashed potato. It was like a mar... You know that bit in Close Encounters when he makes the mashed potato? It was like that. It was there. I would say it was there for six weeks on the time. When we walked

past, we'd just have a bit. Just break a bit off. Gradually. I remember my mum and dad having an argument that was sort of partly muffled by Julie. In the very white heat of the row, they both had a bit of heart attack. Half the thing, and it was called...

Yeah, so... You know, that's the thing when people say if you work in a chocolate factory, you'd never eat chocolate. It's not true. You eat more because it's free, and that's what human beings are like. We've had some chocolate this morning, but more of that... Lovely. We have, yes.

I was sent some chocolate by a company called Divine, who do the fair trades, so we can eat it with... I know Daisy won't like this, because Daisy, if you notice, is slightly obsessed with the Lindor. I bet she's been to the one in... Oh, is she? I was in my management company the other week. They had a large bowl of the Lindors. Those are the red ones, aren't they? I went to take one in. Oh, is she? I was in my management company the other week. They had a large bowl of the Lindors.

Those are the red ones, aren't they? I went to take one. She said, no, no, don't have those. She didn't. Have one of the hazelnuts. They're the nicest. She didn't. That's so sneaky, isn't it?

And she also, every Easter, without fail, she brings in a Lindor Bonnie. Oh, yeah. I think, like George Clooney, she might be an international brand ambassador. Yes, yes. So we're looking might be an international brand ambassador. Yes. So we're looking into this, don't worry. We've got all sorts on staff.

Tennis coaches. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We are still in email corner. So I'm going to continue. And this email is from Pat Lyon. OK. Age 63.

Oh. She would be with that name, to be fair. I hope she's all right with reading out her age. I suppose so. Well, don't include it. I never do. Hi, Frank. I saw you on Celebrity Squares the other week. She's 63.

Is that the demographic, do you think, of the squares? Probably. I enjoyed it. Centre Square, as I say, the ultimate acolyte. He also says Centre Square. And you stated, one of the things most people don't know about you is that you switch the shower off whilst having a lather. Did you say lather or lather? I see, OK, maybe I should say lather.

I think the word is lather. I don't think it's a North-South thing. Well, that's why imperial leather is a pun on imperial leather. I don't know if it is, but let's pretend that it definitely is. Just a brief resume. What I do is I get in, turn the shower on, get wet, turn the shower off, soap up, turn the shower back on again to rinse.

That's my method. We had a lot of people discussing that it was like a military thing or a Navy thing. I think the Navy do it to save water. Like, they don't have plenty of water around. Anyway. You don't want a squid coming at them. So Pat says, I thought this was very commendable, saving water, the earth, and my water bill.

Oh. Maybe a bit of a deal. Just went a bit 63 years old at the end. She went teenage girl doing project, 63-year-old. So I thought, I'm going to do that. I'm having that. Yeah. Went thoroughly wet.

I turned the shower off. I'm loving this story. Yeah. And proceeded to lava. Good. Sounds wrong on my voice. voice that's fine humming my chandelier which is one of my favorites at the moment i don't know i know that it's a good song is it uh sea air is it yeah thoroughly covered in suds i tried to turn the shower on again

my hands were too slippy to turn the knob and I had to get out of the shower to dry my hands. Are you with me so far? Yes. I opened the shower door, but having forgotten I'd adjusted the shower head, which faces the shower door, to its highest point, turned the shower on again for it to warm up. Consequently, I'm now mopping the bathroom floor and walls where the shower has showered everything in sight. My point is, I'm not mopping the bathroom floor and walls where the shower has showered everything in sight. My point is, I'm not feeling the love for you today.

You are either telling porkies, God forbid, or being famous, you just shout and someone comes and turns the shower back on for you. Please tell. I'm saving up for a wet room, but by the time I have enough money, I'll need to be wheeled in. That's Pat. OK, well, Pat, I speak of sooth, I can tell you. I realise now as I hear this that what I've... You've heard this? I don't have, like, a dial that you turn.

I have a little lever, so I'm able to... I actually use my little finger on it, come to think of it, to turn the lever, to turn the water back on. A bit like one might pull a fur killer. A what? A wishbone. Oh, yeah. You'd agree with that?

Because I have seen people do the wishbone with their strongest fingers. Oh, no, you can't do that. That's so wrong. No, that's like Googling, Frank. Well, I think you're trying to retain control of something which is all about randomness, you know. It's about magic. So you have to use the little fingers for that. Yeah.

Total agreement. Excuse me. We don't often get that. Nick Piction has said lather, as in rather. Yeah. I think for you... Lather, as in rather. I think...

Lather, as in... I wonder if it's a North-South thing. I think it is a North-South thing. I think you probably should say it. To be true to your roots, you should say lava. Yeah, like bath. I used hotel flannel, by the way, last weekend. To turn the

shower back on? No, to clean myself. Can we talk about parking again? Oh, I've got some texts on parking, don't worry about that. I like using a hotel flannel. Why do you like using a hotel flannel, Frank? Well, you know you're not the one who has to clean it. And also... Because at home you're doing loads one who has to clean it. And also... Because at home you're doing loads of laundry.

It just gives you a bit of distance from the job. A bit of objectivity. You know what I mean? Suddenly it becomes a straightforward cleaning job. The fact that it's you is neither here nor there. I would never use a hotel flannel. Really? I agree with the sentiment. Who has been there previously? It could have been the

Yankees using that. They're all boiled once every six months to save the planet. Trust me. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am always looking for a just helpful rule of thumb

to identify what I would call the not we oh yes you know people you think oh they're not oh you mean people yeah people who are not not i just you know i not to be avoided exactly but maybe if there is a lifeboat decision they're the ones that's not going to get on i believe it's called nqos isn't it it? What's that? Not Quite Our Sort. Oh, OK. That implies a snobbery, actually, which I don't think you're suggesting. It's more just not like-minded. Not we, yeah.

Yes, exactly. I get not we. Not we makes sense to me. There's a Doctor Who episode called Kinder, and I think in there the author people, the people on the other side, are called the not we. Oh, OK. By the way, incidentally, I received, can I say,

a free book this morning called The Drosten's Curse, which is a Doctor Who book by A.L. Kennedy. He's written a Doctor Who book. Excellent. When you get a free lovely shiny hardback, not even a free one, but, I mean, I think I paid for one about eight years ago, and, oh, I can't wait to get in there.

Exciting. I might read a bit in the car on the way back. What about that? What an excitement. Anyway. Look, free books. It's all going your way today, isn't it? Don't read in the car.

You'll feel ever so sick. Oh, no, yeah. But it's hard, you know, when you've got... Well, exactly. Tell me about it when you've got the new Doctor Who book. New book. It's not just you that gets some freebies. I got some beard oil last week. What about what I got this morning? Vegemite chocolate. Anyway.

Can I say thank you for my beard oil? We should try the Vegemite chocolate. I reckon that'll be... Yeah, we could. I think we should. Anyway, so I came across the latest in my... I think so far we've had cigars, cough links, aftershaves. Pinky rings? Oh, yeah.

Pinky rings. These are not we people, yeah. Pinky rings is actually from Laverne and Shirley, who suggested that. I'm not sure I agree with that. I think it's... My new one is people who say ain't. Is it? Oh!

Frank, I'm with you. When they say things, I'm sorry, but that ain't gonna happen. That kind of use of the word ain't. Because I'd probably say I'm sorry, but that ain't gonna happen. That kind of use of the word ain't. Because I'd probably say ain't myself, but you know, well, listen to me, that ain't a problem. No. No, you are definitely not we.

I'm sorry if we've got any ain'ts on, but you can always stop it. Oh, I hate ain'ts. You could choose not to do it. I have so many like that, Frank. It's definitely about things that people are making decisions to do, though, isn't it? That's why it's not that bad to say it. Because they're deciding to do it. I have so many like that, Frank. It is definitely about things that people are making decisions to do, though, isn't it? That's why it's not that bad to say it, because they're deciding to say ain't. Yeah. Anyone who uses ain't, you see, my equivalent of that is anyone who goes on about needing coffee,

particularly on Twitter or something. Hashtag need caffeine. Or a cartoon of Garfield saying I need my coffee. And also they pretend it's like an addiction. Try the Central Reservation. That is not an addiction. No, true, it's not a proper addiction. They think it makes them more interesting though

if they need coffee. Do they? Yes, I think they do. I think that is it. It's interesting, I hate coffee. You hate coffee? You're drinking it now, love. I'm drinking... You're drinking a cappuccino. I'm drinking skinny decaffeinated.

I'm totally good as least... I want to join in if there's a run. I don't want people to go out on a coffee run and I don't have anything. Yeah, that would be rubbish. But... You want to get value for money, that's why. I can't.

The stuff with the caffeine and stuff. Stuff with the caffeine? I mean, come on! You know what? When it comes to coffee couldn't, I can't. The stuff with the caffeine and stuff, oh. Stuff with the caffeine? I mean, come on! You know what? When it comes to coffee and me, it ain't gonna happen. It's, uh, it's been a hot week, uh, and I think I saw some people that were not wee the other day.

I think, um, going shirtless in the street or whilst driving a car. I mean, it's... Driving a car? Driving a car. Oh! I mean, maybe I've got very sensitive nipples, but I think the seatbelt would chafe I really think the seatbelt would hurt me Can you imagine the cock crawl? With no top on

It's not me Driving through Manchester I've driven the car with a bikini top once I was hot Sorry Respect I've driven with no shirt on. And you know the thing you pull out of the cigarette lighter thing?

Once it's cooled down, I've just put that straight in my navel. Stop the sweat building up. I made that up. That didn't happen. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. M Night, not Shyamalan, but just someone called M Night, has tweeted us, you're talking about non-we, a turned up collar on a polo shirt. Oh, I'm with you on that. Yes.

Totally with you. And actually while we're on... Don't you do that, Al. No, never. Oh, no. Not at all. How embarrassing. Absolutely not having that.

Okay. No, and also, while we're on the subject of sartorial decisions, I find it very difficult to wear a round-neck T-shirt with jeans and shoes. Like trainers and T-shirts. I know what you mean. Maybe a desert boot with a polo shirt, but that's technically a shirt, not a T-shirt. A desert boot is borderline trainer as well, I would say. Kind of, yeah. Can I add to my non-we-el?

Sorry. Yes. Is birthday cards with any reference to alcohol at all? Oh, yes. I cannot bear that. No, mine not with any reference to alcohol. Well, it seems like I will only drink on two occasions, when it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What about t-shirts that say, take me drunk, I'm home. If found, please return to pub. Are you so warm one of those, Al? I hate those. I hate those.

We've also got a couple of texts in. When I lived in Birmingham City Centre, I always got a space because there's a single car length of single yellow line at a certain road junction that no one ever had the bravery to park in. Right in the middle. Never got a ticket. Pete from Birmingham. Ooh. That's good, isn't it? The thing I'm most impressed by is your very hasty substitution of the word bravery for what it actually said.

Yeah, yeah. He went a bit more parochial. Yeah. Reparking. If I can't find a parking... This is possibly one of my favourites. If I can't find a parking space in Gloucester, I double park, lift my bonnet up, take my radiator cap off and leave a note on the screen saying I've broken down. That's excellent.

That's genius, isn't it? I'm going to do that. Yes, you just need to put pen and paper in your car and know how to take the radiator cap off. Is that from Sir Elton John? Yeah. And he was in Gloucester the weekend. He's doing that on his Bentley, innit? That's a great idea, I think you could get away with- Ooh. It's good, I like that. I just wouldn't know how to open my bonnet,

is the only problem. No, me neither. Well, I wouldn't either. I could open the bonnet but I was finding the radiator cap that I would need to- I don't want to take the Hanes manual just to- What about when the AA man comes and he says, oh, can you just start opening the bonnet? And I go, yeah, just a minute. And I'm just, I'm just like trying to buy time because I don't know how to do it. What about I couldn't start my car once and a bloke pulled up very kindly and he got the old crocodile leads out, you know, the jump leads and said, I'll start if it wears your

battery. I said, um, I had no idea what it was. We looked for 15 minutes, then he said, sorry, I've got to go to work now. LAUGHTER The secret is know thy car. That's my advice. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating. I had a moment this week where I really relished the joy of being in a relationship. I was away working and I was in the hotel and I ordered room service. Steak. I'd done some exercise. Best steak. Why not? Oh, not favourite food steak biggest influence on career

my dad what you'd be if you weren't a football electrician yeah is this the question and answers in a football game

what drink do they like beer no often it's red bull and vodka oh is it I don't know if they say that in the questionnaires but the ones I've been out with, that's what they drink.

Well, I ordered a steak. Ordered a steak. And it came, this hotel was quite fancy. And it came, you know when you've got your portion of chips, maybe a big mushroom that sometimes looks a little bit shriveling? Oh, yeah, the big mushroom. I love the big mushroom. I don't love it.

Sometimes it stares at me and I think, who wants that much mushroom? It's enormous. And it looks a bit, you know, sometimes look the... This one also came with, if you could imagine the size of a tennis ball, maybe slightly bigger, chopped in half,

of roasted garlic, like a whole... Yeah, exactly. Absolutely disgusting. No, I like that. I looked at it and thought, oh, that'd do me a lot of good if I ate that. But then I'd really smell at the gig.

And then I thought, I'm married and I'm hundreds of miles away from my home. I can smell at the gig. It doesn't matter. I'm only going to speak to hundreds of people through a microphone. That's the only thing that followed that sentence. And I'll only speak to like two or three people backstage. And I'm not, as it were, on the pull. I'm married, so I can stink of garlic

and I thought I could eat that whole thing because I'm married. Got about a third of the way through it and I started googling divorce lawyers because it's not that nice. You don't want to eat a whole half tennis ball of garlic, let me tell you. But I did. I wouldn't eat that. I'm sure it did me a lot of good.

Do you remember when Harry met Sally? When there's a couple and Harry and Sally... Don't mean the bit that we're talking about. No, no. Okay. He's not going to do that. Please say he's not going to do that. They've split up, Harry and Sally,

and they go to visit this couple they know and talking about their individual, you know, nights looking for partners and stuff. Yeah. And they tell all these, you know, I went to this bar and I met this guy and I met and they tell all these you know went to this bar i met this guy and i met this girl and all that and then they go and uh the woman turns to her partner after they've gone and says don't make me go back out there let's stay together forever and i sort of that's that's how i kind of feel i've i've i do feel that but i'm not going to

be a smug married, I'm sorry. No, it's not about a smug married. I do like the joy of letting yourself go when you're in a long-term relationship. I see you're both embracing it. Absolutely. This is why I admire the homosexuals. They keep going to the gym even when they've settled into a long-term relationship. But I think the marriage thing, that will finish them off.

The temptation will prove... You are unbelievable. You'll be a lot more fat homosexuals than married, you see. They'll think, oh, forget it. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, I'll tell you what we've just been doing. Yeah.

Eating a Vegemite chocolate. Yeah. Sent to us by Philip Wieldon, who's in Melbourne and is a fan of the show. Mm. Mm. You know what? I think it's all right. I think it's absolutely repulsive.

Yeah. We're all different. I did not enjoy it, but I'm not sure if that's the taste or just my consciousness, because I realise the air miles that that's travelled the world to get to us, and it's just... Big shout-out to you, Philip. Gross.

Kind of you. Ain't going to lie. No. Yeah, exactly. I ain't going to enjoy it. Well, I did enjoy it, so maybe I'll take it home. Well, you're going to take home a lot of quality chocolate and the Vegemite chocolate. I'll just FYI, maybe I'm going to take it home means I'm taking all of this home and hands off.

No, no, I'm prepared to spread the fair trade, which is a club I used to go to in Birmingham. And, yeah. Well, it's talking of ain't. 453 has texted us. Good morning, team. For me, it ain't going to happen if someone tells me what line of work they're in

and then adds, for my sins. Oh. He goes on, the horrific effect is multiplied exponentially by the length of the knowing pause before the punchline. Oh, yes, that's a very good point for my sins. Although, couldn't that work if he was like a priest taking confession? Well, that'd be up for other people's sins, mainly.

Yeah, I mean, that's the twist on it, really, isn't it? I understand. Anyway. Alan did that voice. He does his comedy voice. Oh, I've got another one here. Sorry. Tweeted. This is from Enrique Pones. Just checking that's not rude. No, it's not. People who say that's hilarious instead of laughing.

Oh. Yes, I'm not. What about people who do neither? They're the worst. They are the worst, yeah. Do you know Enrique Pones? No. I think he's been at a lot of my gigs.

No, but thanks for the tip. I can't bear that. People are saying funny. Oh, really? Oh, that. I can't bear that. People are saying, funny. Oh, really? That's... My phone's full of those people. Comics are like a lot of them, aren't it? That's really funny.

Whilst looking stony-faced. That's hilarious. Anyway, what were you saying, Al? Thank you. I also spotted a downside to being in a relationship this week as well. You know, I was talking about eating the whole clove of garlic and really enjoying being married. I, er...

I'm a bit messy around the house. All right, Lionel. And there's this bit of, um, yeah, there's this bit of our bedroom that's just sort of covered in stuff that I've chucked there, like books and pens and bits of stuff. Really? And I saw a whole load of... That's absolutely terrible. It is awful And I saw a whole load of-

That's absolutely terrible. It is awful. I saw a whole load of cash there. I saw like- Steve chuckles Whoa! Sorry, this sounds like a Shane McGowan bit from- I saw folded up- it is a bit messy. I saw folded up notes and some coins. Folded up notes? Yeah. It's a gypsy horse fair. Steve laughs Steve laughs And my wife was in the house at the same time, but I knew that she was right the way downstairs, so I phoned her from our own home, I phoned her from Top Deck, and I said, you know this, uh, cash by this messy pile that I've got in the bedroom?

Yeah. Like, there's 27 quid here or something. Alan had counted it, of course. I counted it, yeah. I said, uh, is it, is it mine? Because it's been lying here for a while. Didn't you check your ledger that you took? The bedside table. Honestly, this is what she said. I said, is it my money, this cash by the bed?

And she went, um, yeah. But literally, I could hear her deciding to not lie to me about my own money. I mean, that is not good, is it? I'm a little alarmed by the use of my own money. Well, it was my own money. I mean, a bigger man than me would have put her housekeeping up so that the temptation was removed, but instead I've put it down a little bit to punish the thought crime.

It's sort of Downton Abbey you seem to be running there. I think thought crime's... You'd have been a great Catholic, I can tell you. This is good. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a bit of criticism. Oh no.

From someone on Twitter. Look, I don't have praise, I don't have criticism, that's the deal. We're normally so popular. Okay, well shall I not read it out? Go on, read it. I know you've gone this far. Chesney Wald on Twitter says, you're elitist idiots. Just because you think you're

only excluding certain types of posh people. What's this about people who say ain't? No, I think it's about people with their collars turned up on polo shirts. What? Are they posh people? Yeah, they are often posh people. I thought they were moths.

He sent a clarification. Sorry, I meant cliquey idiots. Oh, really? Okay. Okay. I love that area in France. I would dispute that, because we've also had an email from someone, John, saying, the wee crowd.

Hi, team. Read the concept of turned up collars not being suitable for wee. Try going to Wales and applying this opinion. Raised collars on polo shirts, a.k.a. rugby shirts, and any other upper-body attire is very much vogue, and therefore you'd find yourselves very much being them. Keep up the good professional job you are employed to do. They've really learned not to gush

praise, haven't they? Yes. I think that's fine. When I go to Wales and everybody's got their rugby shirt on, collar turned up, I do feel isolated because I can't do that. I just don't, I mean, I don't like that. I'd still rather you hadn't read any of this out. Of course you would. I just like the idea that everyone totally agrees with everything I say on this show.

And in life in general. That makes me an elitist idiot, I guess. It ain't going to happen. I guess you're right. It ain't going to happen in any way, shape or form. Spikey, at Spikey, says it is what it is. That's a good one. What about when people say, well, it's like everything, isn't it?

I always pick up something like a bottle top and say, well, is it like that? You do. They don't like it. No, it's funny that. I find it's good we're all different, isn't it? It's not what you think it's like. I know, but I don't want to be called the latest idiot. My own hearthside.

I think it'd be fine. No, he's now reduced it to be cool. I'm going to be cool to the latest. Did he hit my own hearth side? I think he'd be fine. No, he's now reduced it to cliquey. Yes. I'd say I'm more creaky to be honest. Anyway, of course he's entitled to his terrible opinions. I'd say I'm cheeky. Oh, maybe I'll

quit the show now. That's it. What if I quit the show on the strength of that? I'm thinking about it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So it's not just me that's had trouble with my wife. There's other people in the news that have got trouble with girls. Let me quote.

Let me tell you about my trouble with girls. Three things happen when they're in the lab. You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticise them, they cry. Yes. Not my words. The words of Sir Tim Hunt, is it? Yes.

A Nobel Prize winning boffin, as the newspaper describes him. Oh, I love his boffin. Prize-winning boffin, as the newspaper describes him. Oh, I love his boffin. He does look like he's about to do a TED Talk in every photograph that he's in. He does have an extraordinary amount of nasal hair. Does he? Have you seen?

Hey, don't ever go for it. It could form its own philtrum. You'd think somebody with access to a Bonson burner would soon have that out. Yeah, Not necessarily on purpose. No, indeed. Just by being a boffin. It's an... I like

the idea, I must admit, of love in the lab. Do you? I thought what happens in the lab stays in the lab. That's Vegas. Easily confused, though. George Michael told me that. I know that was laugh. Oh, God.

No, but I like the idea of a scientist falling in love, because you don't think of that and doing that kind of thing. They're so sort of, you know, clinical and kind. Well, I tend to think they're above all that sort of stuff. Well, I think below. Oh. I've cried in a science lab in my time, but that's because I left the top off the ammonium hydroxide

do you remember that stuff? no it was like football toilet in the 1960s times 50 it was really strong stuff it was the great joy of the chemistry lab was the ammonium hydroxide

to see who could cope with the fumes probably did lasting damage, but hey, you've got to make an omelette. Don't use ammonium hydroxide, that's my advice. What do you make of it then? I feel for him in a way, because he did say that he was trying to make a joke.

He said... See scientists, stay away from... I stay away from science. Well, exactly. That's exactly the problem. I think his first two, he was going for the comedy rule of three, which for the readers who don't know, you say two things and then the third involves a change of direction that people are not expecting, so therefore the surprise. So he said three things happen. It's already got comedy rule of three, hasn't it? You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and then

he's going for the big surprise. You criticise them and they sounds like all my relationships not what happened though except for my present one may i add people took it at face value didn't they and thought oh my god he's he's just convinced that he's surrounded by sobbing women and that's not i don't think that's true i don't know did he actually oh i don't know i mean i cried a little bit at the latest idiot so i'll be honest with you you know you couldn't be sensitive without being female let's make that clear true well yeah I don't know. I mean, I cried a little bit at the latest, idiots, I'll be honest with you. You know, you couldn't be sensitive without being female, let's make that clear. True. Well, yeah, but let's be honest.

When I read this, I was absolutely mortified because you've never fallen in love with me, either of you. No. Have you? Well, no, but... You've actually said no. Well, there's reasons for that. The women in my life, it's a bit like... You know actually said no. Well, there's reasons for that. The women in my life... It's a bit like...

You know when you approach the Blackwall Tunnel and it says, please stay in your lane? Yes. See, I put women in the friends lane. And I used to... I got friend-zoned. Yeah, you got friend-zoned. And then I used to...

You know, women who I thought were like, you know, we never know you. Attractive. No, not attractive. But once you get to know them and they become friends, it's very hard for them to move into the other. Come on, let's not beat around the bush. We haven't had any chemistry whatsoever.

Can't move out of friend zone. Well, he's talking about chemistry, surely. That's the whole point. I think it's a good thing there's no sexual tension on this show. It'll make me feel ill. Well, I don't know. I think it's a good thing there's no sexual tension on this show. It'll make me feel ill. Well, I don't know. I think it might give her free salt. Do you think he's ever made that joke, though? Can I just move us back a sentence or two?

Well, you're worried about talking about sexual tension on the show. What are you trying to hide? No, I just wonder if somebody's ever made a pass at him and he's said to them, I'm sorry, I just don't think there's any chemistry. And then they've looked down and around them. Yeah, exactly. I bet he didn't ever make that joke. And if he did, he probably got it wrong.

He will now. Has he resigned? You have to resign. I don't think he's retired yet. He's had to resign. I think if you say anything wrong, he's resigned. It's a shame, really, though. Make a joke that doesn't work and then you have to resign. It doesn't apply here, does it? No, it's never stopped me for a second.

It just spurs me on, I'll be honest with you. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the laboratory. We're still in the lab. We were working in the lab late one night. My eyes beheld an eerie

sight. My monster from its slab began to rise. Anyway. What's that from? That's Bobby Boris Pickett and the Crypt Kickers. I've remembered. I was working in the lab late one night. Yeah, what's it called?

They did the... The Monster Mash. Monster Mash, yeah. Oh, of course it is. The thing I would say about Sir Tim Hunt is that he's a Nobel Prize winner, so he clearly knows his onions when it comes to the old science stuff. I don't think that's what he specialises in. Yeah, but I do worry slightly that he's resigned, so we've lost his contribution to the world of science because he made a rather poor joke.

Yes. Sorry, I mean that. I'm a lady, so I'm allowed to say that. I think we've lost his contribution to science because political correctness has gone mad, yes? No, I'm not saying that. It's the PC brigade. I wasn't saying that! It really is. The police, as I call them. I wasn't saying that. I just think what he is is someone who's not very good at making jokes.

Yes. Yes. That's his worst crime. And I love him for that. I think he was trying to be honest. He's opened up a whole world of the imagination for me. I had never considered for a second that they have love affairs in the laboratories, the scientists. And it's the perfect...

You know that moment... Why, Miss Vachinsky, you're beautiful. When the glasses come off. It's going to be, that is it. Why, Professor Wehrhart, you're very beautiful. Please, I don't have time for this. I have to put more cigarettes in the beagles. That's all that.

You love Frank's contemporary view of science. Yeah, that's what it's like now, isn't it? Something electric passed between us. It was a Van de Graaff generator on a trolley. It is... I mean, this show has got a lot of female staff, hasn't it? And I think it has affected me. Have you ever had a note of regret in your voice?

No, no, not at all, but it has definitely had an impact. I like the thought of Emily as staff. Here's a thing. Thanks a lot. Here's a thing that has genuinely happened, because I work with women that are very much in the friend zone. I like everybody that works on the show, but I don't know if you remember this, Frank.

I thought you were going to say that are very beautiful or something. There was quite a long conversation between the ladies on the show but I don't know if you remember this Frank. I thought you were going to say that I'm very beautiful or something. There was quite a long conversation between the ladies on the show once during a record where they discussed that men seem hot when they take their t-shirt off using one hand and they pull the t-shirt right off. So I'm listening to this thinking that's interesting. I went back I said to my wife oh the girls on the show were saying that men seem hot when they take their T-shirt off like that. My wife went, yeah, yeah, I can get that. And since then, I've nearly pulled my shoulder out

about five times a day trying to take a T-shirt off in that way. And she knows that it's learned behaviour as well. So my wife's looking at me thinking, but you know I know that the girls have told you that that's ridiculous. We're keeping the spark alive in your marriage. You should be grateful to us. Or she could be looking at me thinking, what a loser. You're so trying to be sexy because you've heard that that's a thing that women like.

You can't win, can you? No, it's... I'd be better off not knowing. Frank can't do that because of his shoulder. I just can't do it. Maybe that's how you did the shoulder. Why? Have you not tried?

Oh, it's impossible for me. Well, nothing's impossible. No, honestly. I really, really can't do it at all. Maybe that's how you did the shoulder. Why? Have you not tried? Oh, it's impossible for me. Well, nothing's impossible. No, honestly, I really, really can't. As Karl Lagerfeld once said, how much is impossible? Well, I had to get my personal assistant to deck it off with one hand. Not so sexy. I just, you know, she says, skin the rabbit, and I just put my hands in the air. And it's not as sexy.

I think I have to accept that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't want to wrap up things today without discussing Kate Moss.

Because she's been up to her old tricks, Frank. Yeah. I don't know if you saw this story, she- I did see it. Has been a silly Lily. I couldn't work out what she'd done, really. I'll tell you what she's done. So she was escorted off, I believe it was an EasyJet flight.

I think it was. Alan's the forensic newshound here. Could have been a Ryanair, I'm not certain. I think it was EasyJet. She was escorted drinking vodka from her carry-on. Is that bad? We've all done it. vodka on her carry-on. Is that bad? We've all done it. Says a lot about your past. Is that bad?

There is a simple why around this. Don't sell alcohol at airports. Okay. There you go. Sorted. Thanks, Mary Whitehouse. Next problem. Although, if she'd had it in her hand luggage from town... She wouldn't have got it...

She wouldn't have got liquid. If she'd got it from Turkey High Street... She wouldn't have got more than 100 mils of liquid through. Turkey High Street? I don't know that. No, she's in Turkey. She might have gone, I'm just going to get down to the high street, get a bottle of body for the plane.

I like the idea of Alan telling the Uber driver, Turkey High Street, please. She also called the pilot an offensive name, which Absolute Radio say we're not allowed to repeat. But put it this way, it wasn't what Frank once called Chico, which was foolish devil. One of your finer moments. But she got

escorted off. And I've got to say to these celebs, I mean, if you're going to go on easy, Jet, you can't behave like you would on your first class or your private jet. This is the thing. What they didn't realise is what that buys them, it's not just more legroom. They are buying that seat for entitlement. So you can behave a little bit like a monster, aren't they?

So you're arguing that you can actually behave worse the higher up the seat chain you go. You sound surprised. I would say that's true. Interesting social observation there. Based would say that's true. I would say that's true, yeah. Interesting social observation there, Emily Dean. Based on personal experience, yes. Wow. This is if you're a celebrity. Yeah.

I think most people think easy jet, you can behave any way you like. Yeah. I think, I'm a big fan of taking on your own refreshments, I must say. Pretzels, they try too hard. Yeah. What do we gain from the shape of a pretzel? Not a lot. What do we gain? Unless it was just a plain biscuit, it was no different.

Anyway, I've always thought it's great to take your own food on a plane or drink or whatever. You take a little pack-up. Have you got a little sandwich box? Would that make me a bad person? No, I was just inquiring. No, exactly. Just curious.

And also, what I like about kate mossy she's a sort of a major star but it's such a fabulous i used to see the girls in birmingham with a bit of vodka in the handbag under the table in the pub just topping up you know it's cheaper i do like that she behaves like a rock star though she really does they're too well behaved these people now i i like that she's still got it star, though. She really does. They do well behave, these people, now. I like that she's still got it in her. I don't think she did much, did she? I mean, when she spoke to the pilot, where was the pilot? Was he just wandering about? That's a good question.

I'd say, yeah. Yeah, but don't be rude to the pilot. That's not a sensible thing to do, is it? That's a hell of a pilot. And other things not to say when you get on a flight. No, but police meeting her at the airport, that doesn't... Can you imagine the police station gets a phone call, Kate Moss, as, you know, doesn't seem extremely minor,

would you like to go and meet her? Court. If they had called me, I'd have gone and met her off the plane. It's Kate Moss. I bet they were all giggly and woo, messing, you know,

messing about with their walkie-talkies and making rightfuls of themselves. You know what men are like? are us, are they? No, but you know men around, men around attractive women,

they're all, woo, they'd be all giggly. Especially attractive women that have had half a bottle of vodka. Yeah. Probably thought they had a chance. Yeah, six coppers doing the madness walk along the tarmac.

Oh, dear. Pathetic. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I did like about because Kate Mosh had been away she'd been away with friends hadn't she Sadie Frost and all that

having treatments celebration of her 50th birthday I bet Grimshaw was watching that thinking hold on a minute that was my invite? Remy's at everything. But there's a picture of her in stripy pyjamas. Yes.

Yes, on the Instagram I saw that. She looked great. She looked fabulous. And I'm a big fan of the stripy pyjama. Oh, yeah. I know it's seen as a bit, but I still... Well, you like it in an Andy Pandy way. I still wear, I don't always wear the trousers,

but I favour a stripy pyjama. And do you know what I love? I always get the breast pocket. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. What is it for, do you think? The breast pocket? In pyjamas.

Oh, I've never really thought about it. Kate Moss keeps a little bottle of vodka in there. Oh. I think other people use it for other stuff. Isn't it for a toothbrush or something? Oh, that's a good idea. In bed. No, just when you're wandering around doing your ablutions.

I use it for a mag light. Oh, yeah. Wake up in the night, hear a noise. You know that scary shadow in the corner? Sometimes it's just a coat hanging on the door, but terrifying. Not once you shine a torch on it, though. Exactly. Thank you for that. Less frightening.

I did actually feel for the people that she went away with, because it says in the article that she's been, like, a supermodel for 25 years now, Kate Moss. And then it said that they'd all been going on beauty treatments together. Her and these other women of around 50 years old. Seems a bit of a shame that they're going, oh, yeah, yeah, we're all going to go for a beauty treatment. And Kate Moss is there going, yeah, I've sort of got enough beauty. I've been at the top of the beauty thing for 25 years. Why don't you all go for a beauty

treatment? I'm just going to suck lemons and then when we meet back up, I'll still be more beautiful than all of you guys. Oh, I sit in, Hans. No, that's what she, I mean, she's been told it. Well, I always sit in. No, they're all all alright for normal women. They're all alright? But she's been at the top of the beauty

pile for a quarter of a century. I mean, that's amazing, isn't it? Yes, congratulations. And she's a good looking woman. It's nice that we're ending with a tribute to Kate Moss today and her enduring beauty. Yes, respect. A great advert for all young people that vodka

keeps you looking young and beautiful. Okay, coming up is Andy Bush. Not just Andy Bush, but Andy Bush live from the Isle of Wight Festival. Whoa! Y'all y'all. I can see him now, hands raised. Come on, everybody!

Boo! Boo! It's got to be... This is what they want, youth! Anyway, and back here, back with the parents. Yes, thank you so much for listening

today, even the haters. At least they joined in. It's a good Lord Spares Us and the creaks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week now get out