The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pasting Table

Episode Date: February 16, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank hosted a dinner party of sorts and has a question about deck chairs. The team also discuss the Gruffalo coin and the secret orange.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio good morning to you both. Morning. Good morning. I love the way it just trips off your tongue, the Instagram, so easily now. No, yeah, it was alien to me at first, but it's great. It's like when you get a hire car and it feels like you've never driven before and then, you know, a few miles down the road you start to, you just think,

you're not thinking about it anymore. Very nice. Yeah. Frank, would you like to hear from Tracy Morgan, who's been in touch? No. Okay. All right.

Okay. No, no, go on. Tracy Morgan, the American comedy star. Is it Tracy Morgan? There is a male bloke called Tracy, isn't there? Yeah. You're not that right. Yeah.

It's near enough. It's probably not that individual. This is from Twitter. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Catching up with last week's podcast, I heard you talk about sight tests. Get this, I'm blind in one eye. I like that she started with get this.

I'm blind in one eye. I should say, by the way, what we were talking about is the monocle. And if you were... Of course. If you've got a problem in one eye uh not mon uncle the um the jactati movie um which is a movie that's always everything is very close you should be able to work out french if my uncle is mon on anyway, it doesn't seem fair to me

that if you've only got a problem with one eye and you have a monocle, you should have to pay as much as you would for a pair of spectacles. And people have texted in and said yes. In fact, they said monocles were more expensive in some cases. Come on.

It's really important the work we're doing regarding monocles. As an activist, I don't think people should be charged. Anyway, let's see what Tracy Morgan... It's the consumer part of our show, which we take seriously. That comic, I don't think it was Morgan. Tracy... Anyway, carry on with Tracy

Morgan. Get this. I'm blind in one eye. Yeah. So only one eye is tested. Oh yeah, makes sense. Yet, I have to in one eye. Yeah. So only one eye is tested. Oh yeah, makes sense. Yet, I have to pay full price for the test. As I'm not classed as partially sighted.

Not even half price. Tracey, that is absolutely disgusting. No, that's just not right. They're doing half the work. No. The monocle campaign, it starts here. I mean, how can you not be partially sighted, though? That's the bit that's amazing to me.

I think partially... One working guy. I'm not going to offer... I was going to offer them a definition of partially sighted like I knew exactly what... Like I had the WHO regulations in front of me. Yes. Now, that seems unfair, Tracey.

I think you should pick it or something. Stand outside and get... It's just not right. Very activism based today, aren't you? I'm going to be one of those people who has comedian activist as my Twitter handle.

If I had a Twitter handle. The handle keeps coming off my sieve, if that's any news to anyone. I'll tell you what you'd do if you were on Twitter. Is that some actual truth? That's truth. Does it? I hate it when that happens. There isn't enough of that on Breakfast Radio. Sieve news.

Do you know I had a collapsed sieve recently? Oh, I wonder what that was going to be, did you? I thought, what went? I was holding the sieve, and you know they have the two little iron handles either side. Wasn't that a Ralph Harris song? Oh, yeah. Some of them have just one handle.

Mine had two, and one of the handles came clean off. It was plaster everywhere. So I'm just saying, be careful. Well, since we're on this topic, I don't think any of us expected the writers to go in this avenue today. No, no. I've recently had to replace a wok because the non-stick surface was coming off and into the food.

I thought it was black pepper for about three weeks. Wow. Wowee. I love that you're still using a wok. Yeah. That is the most hateful thing you've ever said. You sure it wasn't a bit of burnt cassette tape that had gone in there? Oh, what?

I remember when we got a wok and it was really quite a thing. They're great. In about 85. Yeah. Five? Yeah. What's wrong with woks? No, look, nice wok if you can get it.

Oh, goodness. That would have slotted in a treat to Joanna Lomley's monologue. Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app. I entertained last night. I don't mean on stage. I mean at home.

Oh, lovely. Me and Kat don't do that very often. Did you have a dinner party or a house party? I'm calling it our version of a dinner party. Lovely. David Baddiel and Moana Banks came round, our neighbours. They live up on the same road.

Yeah. And David bought Takeaway. Nice. Did he? Where did he go? Did he go to the nice Indian? We went to Paradise. Oh, I know.

You love Paradise. Which is the local, very nice. And I don't know if you know this, but when we moved into the... You know when you move into a house and they say, the person selling it says stuff like, do you want me to leave the... Oh, yeah. And you give them a few extra quid and they leave.

Yeah. They left... The lady we bought the house off left a... We paid her for this beautiful wooden dining table, chunky, really solid thing. It was brilliant. Kath never liked it, but I really liked it. In the end, Kath sold it.

She sold it for, I don't know, probably a tenth of what it was worth. And it went. So we didn't have a table to eat off all right for about two years this is what people think of what is showbiz like yeah didn't have a table and then for christmas because we were having people around for christmas um well i still call it christmas dinner but it's at lunch time yeah i bought i thought well i'll i'm not gonna get a big table for christmas you know um still call it Christmas dinner, but it's at lunchtime. Yeah. I bought, I thought, well, I'll, I'm not going to get a big table

for Christmas, you know. I bought a pasting table. Oh, yeah. Do you know those things that you, uh... Yeah. Like in school when you do, yeah. No, you place wallpaper on. Yeah. You fold out a leg and then sort of stick it and fold out the other one. Well, I don't know, I stand in various

positions. Can I ask you a question? How much is a pasting table? It wasn't much. It's like 40 quid. Brilliant. It's great, obviously, if you're a person who applies butter to a slice of bread with gusto.

It's made for it. Or basting, any kind of elaborate basting. Yeah. You've got plenty of swing. Anyway, we've still got the Christmas tablecloth on it. Or basting, any kind of elaborate basting. Yeah. It's got plenty of swing. Anyway, we've still got the Christmas tablecloth on it. Have you? Yeah. It's honestly the way we live. And it's a very temporary

feel. Yeah, it is very temporary. I think when you get to my age, temporary is temporary chic. So anyway, we had them round and it was a very nice night but I'm a little self conscious about the pasting table

because it's noticeable I imagine you bantered your way around oh I mean I use it as a prop in many ways so when you say self conscious do you cover it with a nice table cloth it's covered with a Christmas tablecloth. Oh, with a Christmas, yeah. But do you put flowers

on and make it look decorative? No. No. It's not your way. No, no, we don't do that. With the takeaway, we didn't take them out of the cartons. Didn't you? Oh, we did. Actually, we had plates and cartons, but we didn't put them in, you know. It's a good system. But I'll tell you what it reminded me of.

I introduced, I have new readers, should know know i have a six-year-old child and um i introduced him to his um first ever deck chair oh nice and he was a little um unsure of it because they look they don't look like they take the human weight if you've never seen them they're a bit geometric rather than furniture like anyway it's always good showing kids you know that when obviously

we're a bit used to deck chairs in this country I regard deck chairs as commonplace but he was kind of he was kind of slightly blown away by it and wanted to know why we didn't have them at home. Oh, I see. And he said to me, the great thing is, is when the material gets too filthy, you can

get rid of it. And I thought, well, that's a fair summary of my career. you can get rid of it. And I thought, well, that's a fair summary of my career. In fact, I like to think that the deck chair is a metaphor for having faith in your material. But anyway, he said, well, why do you have them in the house? You can change the material when it gets dirty and you can fold them away so if you get guests, you can get more out.

Or if you want to wrestle in the living room. Yeah exactly or dance. Yeah or dance. Like when Ann-Ori used to roll the carpet up and put beer on the floor for twisting. Brilliant. I I don't know why they put vomit that was accidental.

But I haven't got any good answers. As to why they're not commonplace any good answers. Why don't we? As to why they're not commonplace in the home. Why don't we have deck chairs in our homes? Anyway, if anyone... Because I think, yeah, I would find it a little depressing, I think. Well, if there's anyone listening who uses the deck chair as regular furniture,

I'd love to hear from them. We've already heard from a few pasting table users. Oh, well, Gwen in Plumstead. Did you see that one, Al? Gwen? She's feeding 20 people at the pasting table. Christmas dinner? Well, see?

We're all at it. Game changer. I have not got an argument for why we don't just sit around the house on deck chairs. I think the beat... Whether I'd be able to resist a knotted handkerchief, I don't know. But then again, I never could.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of deck chair news, haven't we? Oh, yeah. We have had a bit. Jason Bardeen, or Bardeen, I don't know. Deck chairs have always been scared of them. Most dangerous thing in the world. Hashtag finger guillotine. In the world?

Yeah. I don't know why. I mean... Yeah, that's harsh on the deck chair. I think that's overstating it. I can see the finger guillotine argument. In the world. If you have one bad experience...

Sorry, if you mean... He's comparing it to the guillotine, which is more dangerous than the deck chair, I'm sure. Go on, then. I was just going to say, if you have one bad experience with something, then that's it for life. Staplers with me.

And I think... But I love women. I'm very wary of men who say they love women. Are you? What does that mean, exactly? It means say they love women. Are you? What does that mean exactly? It means they treat them badly. Do you think so? Yeah, I think it does.

Whenever the people go, I think sometimes it does. But it's like saying I love women. I mean, I love women. I've got so many female friends, I love women. I actually prefer women. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? I mean, yeah.

That is suggestion, isn't it? They're all the same. It it, that they're all the same? It is, which they're not. 240 has got in touch. When we moved into our first flat whilst waiting for furniture, we used sun lounger and deck chairs. It was like a beach scene as we had beige carpet. Very good.

What I would have got is a couple of starfish. You get those from some of those fancy shops. Glad you said that. When me and David Baddiel first moved into... Your flat? Well, actually, it wasn't when we first moved in. He moved and I moved with him, is what happened. Oh, is that right?

And it was just before Christmas. And he bought a big telly, a massive telly, at a time when there were quite rare big tellies and he thought that if you bought furniture it's arrived the next day but often it's like weeks and so we had

we had Christmas food in the flat but the only furniture, we sat and watched the telly on the cardboard box that the telly had come in. We actually wanted, do we need furniture? A lot of it's overrated. Yeah, I mean, if I had three beanbags, that would suit me for the rest of my life. Well, we've had some texts in, a text from Paul in Worthy Down, who's in praise of the beanbag.

Isn't a front room with deck chairs in it a Wendy house, he asks. And then I find a couple of beanbags in the front room hugely entertaining to watch people get out of after an evening of drinking. And it's easy to store. Also, I was going to say, if you've got the beanbags, you should go over to Al's with the wok. Because it's a lovely 80s scene going on there.

Well, it's not as easy as the store as the deck chair. I'm still fighting for the deck chair. If I lived alone, I'd happily have deck chairs. You're not too concerned about your spine, are you? Because for me, what puts me off re-deck chair and beanbag is I like to be held. I like to beanbag is I like to be held. I like to be held. I like to be held.

Do you? I haven't been held since the 90s. 619 has texted, as an osteopath, I would suggest the non-back-friendly deck chair has been its downfall. Yes! No, but if you put it on the top notch... Oh, had enough of experts. Listen to that.

Listen to the osteopath. Michael Gove over there. I don't think osteopathy has quite, quite made its way into standard medical practice. It's still a bit, isn't it still a bit borderline? I think people say that. Yeah.

I personally. I still, forgive me, but I still think he knows more than you about the spine. Yeah. I think I've met more people who have got continuing injuries from osteopaths than I have continuing injuries from deck chairs. That's a good point. I can't imagine anyone will get in touch about that.

Thanks for that, Frank. Look, I'm just, it's anecdotal, but it's, you know, I give you guys the truth always. Well, there was that time I pretended my mum worked for Ian Fleming as a cleaner. Gold, aren't I? Yeah. But, I mean, that was clearly a flight of fantasy. But I think, yeah, I know...

And you told your mother and all the car had been stolen as of April 1st. That was April 1st. Then you can say what you like April 1st. Different rules apply. God, if I was a world leader on April 1st, I'd get the hell out of people. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. We've had an email entitled WOC News. Don't knock the WOC. My daughter recently gave me a WOC. Is it from Ken Ho?

No. Don't knock the WOC. Or Nick Kershaw. My daughter recently gave me a wok. Is it from Ken Ho? No. Don't knock the wok. Or Nick Kershaw. My daughter recently gave me a wok. She won at bingo. Yes, they are that unpopular. They're giving rubbish like this out at bingo. And then they add, I do actually use it.

Yeah. Slightly confusing message there. Well, it's interesting because I was shocked when you said you had one, but I would use one. I don't know what, I forgot what you use them for now. Stir fry. Yes. Very much, yeah.

Very effective. I'm not anti-wax. Wasn't there a thing with wax that you had to burn? You're supposed to start by burning them and they're no good until they've been a bit burnt. Yeah, I think that's the seasoning process, which actually applies to almost all pans.

You're not allowed to wash them either, are you? That's the other thing. You can't wash your wok. There must be an American 1950s novelty song called You Can't Wash Your Wok in a... My mother once saw me washing it and she went darling, you don't wash woks?

And you had to clean it with oil. That's apparently the rule. Yeah, I think so. I mean, there's so many rules with wax. I didn't know they came with a lot of rules. Oh, the wooden handles. I don't like the wooden handles. They're like Soviet Russia in that respect.

A lot of rules. Yeah, a lot of rules. So we've had 142. Hi, Frank. Don't you think that that famous painting of Jesus Christ and the Twelve Apostles having their last supper looks like they're eating from a pasting table? That's from Paul the Chauffeur.

It's certainly a long, thin table. Well, I think that's to do with the perspective, isn't it? You think? Well, I think it's also, you know, like in Neighbours, I'm sorry, Frank, to compare the last supper you know like in Neighbours I'm sorry Frank to compare The Last Supper to a scene from Neighbours but bear with me

it's fine you know when they would go to Lasitus for example in Neighbours let's say Paul Robinson had a meeting with someone yeah obviously because of the

slightly cheap camera angles they always have people sat on one side of the table don't they? because it's only sort of a two shot or something. So I think that's what's happened in The Last Supper. But also, you know when you get the

waiter to take a photo of you at a dinner and you're all left to lean in in a weird way and you have to sort of stagger yourself. You know, if you look into the camera, the camera can see you. You don't want The Last Supper looking like that with Jesus at the end and like, you know.

Judas' little head peeking up. Yeah, Judas coming right across the other. Sorry if I went, I was leaning across, that's why my voice went a bit quiet. Judas would be doing the little, you know, Churchill sign behind the head. Would he? Yeah, you don't want that. So they probably did the

right thing of going for the long, thin table. Yeah, okay. I like the way that he said right thing of going for the long, thin table. Yeah, OK. I like the way that he said that photo of Jesus and the two other apostles having their last supper, as if I needed a little bit of... Remember the other week they described Adolf Hitler as the former leader of the Third Reich? Just in case.

Adolf Hitler rings a bell. The other one. Helen Jackman. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Me and my partner had to eat our Christmas dinner on the pasting table as we moved house and had no table. See, we were...

We borrowed it from the landlord from the local pub. He even lent us some fold-up chairs. Put the tablecloth on, who would know? But there's something lovely about that, you see, because that's become people helping each other at Christmas. Community. Yeah, exactly. No room at

the inn but you know we can knock your per manger yeah yeah if you want to uh preter manger is that where manger comes from because you eat out of a manger does it come from the french word yes but there couldn't have been any french influence in... Pret-a-manger...in the Middle East 2,000 years ago. Oh, I see. I thought you were talking about where Pret-a-manger got its name from. No, but did... Which is obviously... Is the manger from the same root as manger?

And other questions I never thought I'd be asked. 8, 12, 15. 8, 12, 15. Keep in the commercial in commercial radio. Can I ask you one other... Well, like, the mange is what foxes get, of course, isn't it? It's a disease. Yeah, but they don't eat out of mange.

They just eat out of bins. I hope they don't eat out of my, yeah. Yeah. They love a bin. On the food topic, can I ask a food question? Sure. My favourite bit of an orange... Oh, yes.

...is the inner secret orange that lives at the top behind the orange... Oh, yes. Is the inner secret orange that lives at the top behind the orange? Oh, yes. You know, there's like a mini orange that lives secretly in the attic of the orange. Yes, Frank. What is that? What is a secret orange? I know exactly what you mean.

It's a little orange. I just love it. It's sweeter than the other orange. Why are you looking at us? You're looking at me. Am I eating the unborn children of oranges? That's the look you're giving me. I'm not really seeing this bit of orange.

You've never seen that? I don't think I've seen it. What? Maybe they don't get them up north. Yeah, maybe north, south, divide. Maybe it's to do with the climate down here. You can't get them in a walk. It's like a mini orange that lives

at the top of the orange. I say the top of the orange. Some may argue the bottom of the orange, but we all know instinctively what the top of the orange is. I mean, I think I see it. I don't even know if I eat that bit. Should I be eating that bit? It's the best bit. It's the best bit. It's like ignoring the artichoke heart.

What? Yeah, or not eating the nut from the base of a thistle. We've had some news in about your special oranges, Frank. My secret inner orange. Yeah. We should all, I think, explore our inner orange. Yeah, go on. Yeah, apparently, well, someone has said, 828,

has said, I always call that mini orange the Parsons orange. Oh, as in the Parsons nose? Yeah, as I assumed it was on the bottom, not the top. And then we've got 245, the secret orange is under the navel in navel oranges. The bigger the navel, the sweeter the orange. I've often thought that. That's good to know. Yeah, but I don't know why it exists,

as I mean an orange. Well, that we haven't had answered. No. But bear with, it'll come in. 566, Simon, our Cotswolds art dealer, who's often in touch with matters of intelligentsia, I might say. Absolutely charming.

Morning all. Re-Pretter-Mongerie and French influence in Romano-Judea. Wow. I suspect that the French weren't around Bethlehem at the time of Jesus, but perhaps the biblical stories were transcribed in French and Latin during the Middle Ages. It would also explain some of the names. It's unlikely that a bronzed-aged follower of Jesus

was called Simon, Peter or Paul. All the best, Simon. Ah. Good input. That's good. I don't know if we actually got to the bottom of it, but, you know. But also, Frank's slightly defensive reaction. Yeah, I felt like...

Oh, as if it swallowed a dictionary for breakfast. No, no, no. I'm very happy with people who've swallowed the dictionary. I know you are. I was just thinking about when... You know when I was talking about the tablecloth on the pasting table? Yes.

And a tablecloth, you'll agree, covers a multitude of, well, blemishes and burns. Yes. Cop rings and all the rest of it. There used to be a thing that... I think I was thinking about walks, when people would get a not very nice sofa and they'd say, well, we can always get a lovely throw.

Mm-hmm. I love that it was called a throw. Yeah. Because you threw it over the sofa. A throw, it's still very much a throw. It's very much named after the verb. And it's not like you throw it a throw. It's very much named after the verb. And it's not like you throw it every day. It's retrospective.

Do you remember a day we actually threw the throw? That was a special day. If it was called a land, that would make much more sense. Because it's been there, right? A remain. It's permanently caught trapped in mid-action. It is, yeah. It's like it's been there for ages. A remain. It's permanently caught trapped in mid-action.

It is, yeah. It's like it's been defined by its initial arrival. Don't define it by its past. No. It's not right, is it? No. It's like calling it a migrant or something like that because that's what it was when it arrived,

but it's settled now. It's assimilated. It's integrated. Exactly. It can still be called a throw. Question, do you have a throw? I don't have a throw, no. Oh, dear.

Do you? Yeah. Yes, I've seen your throw. Lovely. I like the feel of velour against bare flesh. I always have. That wasn't a joke. Anyway.

Just a fact. No, ours isn't velour. It's sort of faux leather. Yours is leather. It's faux, I think. You've got a Chesterfield. Yeah, but it's faux. I think it's more of a Macclesfield.

Okay. Yeah. But no, I like things you can wipe. Yeah. That's what I think. You can't wipe for law. In your habits. Yeah, exactly.

That's true. So we don't know what the inner orange is, actually. We know it exclusively belongs to the navel oranges. I don't think we do know that. I think we do. That's why they're called na, because it resembles a naval. We establish we don't get them on an easy peeler. Don't get them on an easy peeler.

532 has invited us round. Which is not a reference to that WPC I went at in the 1980s. 532 has invited us round to try egg fried rice done in a wok. Lovely. Where do they live? Doesn't mention that. Well, what kind of an invite is that? We need more info.

No, that's like those posters you get for raves. We've got a factory. Journey time. Yeah, there's just some strange names. You don't know where you're going, when it is, how long it's going to last. We might have work commitments. Ticket prices.

We don't know if it's Aberdeen. I like the fact that Faye, the youngest member of the team, laughed the most uproariously at the rave material. I like that. It landed well with her. Do they still exist? I don't know. Do they still exist?

Yeah, she's nodding. It's just occurred to me now, it's a shame there wasn't some... If ABBA had got an extra member called Dean, they would have changed their name to ABBA Dean so that all their names were still involved in the thing. Well, if I had a child, that's what I would have called it. Maybe I'll write some Aberfanfiction.

Oh, that'd be a good use of your time. Yeah, I think so. That'd be quite weak, isn't it? I wonder if there is Aberfanfiction. I mean, that would be worth reading. There will be. And fan art of them getting their marriages back together and stuff like that.

I want to check that out. Give me a moment. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Many have. More will.

Follow the son on Twitter and Instagram. And Frank on the radio. Email this show via the Absolute Radio website. Them's your options. Choose a way. Good options. We've had a point of order I'd like to share. Order.

From Alison Black. She says, I cannot believe it. It's not a stolen catchphrase. Yeah. Been studiously avoiding use of that American aberration, invite, in favour of the more genteel invitation. I think I revealed once on the show, my father used to say,

I think he said it to a bouncer once at a BBC party, at a nightclub. He said, got an invite, and my father said, the word is invitation, invite is an American corruption. Okay. Okay. So Alison Black continues. This is, you know, something she's obviously enjoying,

my father's legacy. As per Big Daddy's edict. And what did I just hear? What sort of invite is that? What's next? Lieutenant Skinner. So it was you. You're the bad guy in this.

Did I say that? You did say what kind of environment. I mean, me of all people. Yeah. I apologise, Alison, and I appreciate you picking me up on that. Oh, that's nice. We used to have a pedants corner, didn't we?

I think we are. Then we realised there were four of them. We were just, yeah. Okay, it's good. Well done. Okay. Ali. Ali Black.

Well, another point of order. Frank and team, French Jesus, this email is entitled. Okay. We're discussing the movement of language. Depeche Mode. Yeah, that's right. Your own personal, your own French. I mean, I've no...

Don't touch me. That's not an invitation. There's no proof of the veracity of this point. Just a radical thought. Maybe the French didn't influence Middle Eastern language because they wasn't around. So maybe, just maybe, Middle Eastern language influenced French. Cliff.

Yeah, good. Oh, very good. Good point. I love a bit of linguistics. Yeah, good. Yeah. Oh, very good. Good point. I love a bit of linguistics. Yes, good enough. On the show. What's Big Daddy been up to? Well, I went and saw a bit of art on Valentine's Day.

That was our Valentine's Day outing. Lovely. Me and Kath went to the Dolewich Picture Gallery oh oh it's nice there you used to live near there oh did you

very nice around there yeah I didn't live in that bit your old stomping ground were you in Slade

I didn't live in that bit how did you find the fringe oh yeah I always struggle with that high maintenance

it was I'll tell you what it was it was an exhibition by a bloke called Harold, and this is Harold, H-A-R-A-L-D. Oh. So not Harold?

No. Harold? Don't leave me, Harold. No, not that. It was Harold Solberg, who's a Norwegian artist. So it was lots of... What sort of stuff is it? You know, it's all that mad Scandi stuff

that you get, like, in Scandi Noir. Oh, I see. Is he contemporary? No. Is it paintings or is it sculpts? No, it's paintings. Oh, is it? I like sculpts. I don't know if I've ever used sculpts.

Henry Moore, love your sculpts. You can have that. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on the show before. I'm slightly fascinated by mermaids. Oh, yeah. It's part of me that thinks they might possibly exist. Oh. But he's done some mermaid paintings.

Harold. Harold. And for the first time, they slightly rough, the mermaids. Slightly more favour in the fish than the female, I would say. Oh, right. They look a bit, you know... Seasick. No, they look...

What, do you mean they look a bit like they've been in the fridge for a few days? Yeah, they look a bit ropey. Really, the woman part of them has been slightly taken over by the scaly, slimy thing. Which I like. They're not the sort of mermaids you'd ask for directions. No. They looked... Untrustworthy mermaids is one of his motifs.

Is it? I would say. And his other thing, he does... You know the lonely cottage painting so there's all these trees and then in the distance there's once more do you ever do that on the train

I wonder who lives there I think when you see a house in the middle of nowhere and I once walked, if anyone can help us on this who lives anywhere near the Thames path me and Kath walked the Thames Path when she was pregnant. And we passed, as we come into sort of West London, that bit along the river, there was the most dilapidated boat I've ever seen in my,

a boat that looked like it wouldn't float on land. And it was in the middle of the river and there was a small chimney with smoke coming out of it. All the windows were black and boarded up. I just thought, who? Someone's got to know. And then further on down, there was a caravan with a Cyberman outside. Not moving, but like a...

Did this happen last night in a dream? No, no, this is a real thing. I would love to know who lives in those amazing places. Can I ask one other question? Sure. Have we got time? The fez is on the table. I'll ask

it after. Sure, I mean, we'll have to come back later because we have got this news just in from Christopher. My sieve handle has come off and I don't know what to do. Well, My sieve handle has come off and I don't know what to do. Well, my sieve handle's come off. There's something going on. There's definitely something going on. Built-in obsolescence.

He's talking about drilling holes into the saucepan. No, no, but this feels like a national movement. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I want to ask a question which is a bit, it's a little bit South East England, so forgive me if you're anywhere else, but I will broaden it in a second. But when we went to this exhibition,

me and Kath got Thames Link. Oh, yeah. Which is a train service. Wonderful service. But Kath said to me, Kath won't do the underground. All right. For, you know, sort of claustrophobia reasons. So she said, it doesn't go underground, does it?

So I checked with my personal assistant. Well, I'll tell you what, what was really annoying is that we looked up Thames Link. And I put in things like Thames Link on trigger and question mark. Is Thames Link underground? And I could not get a straight. You know when Google doesn't deliver? It's one of the most inferior.

I've become so dependent. You know I don't look at Google if it's something I can't remember, only if I don't know. But if I don't know, I want to know from Google. I just couldn't get a straight answer. It was being evasive. I don't like that. Really?

Well, you know, the time they spent making animations of women from the 1920s in lab coats and glasses who discovered formic acid for their anniversary, when they could be having straight things, is Thameslink an underground state? And they could not come up with an answer.

And we was like half an hour on the internet. So we got on it. I still don't know. I still don't know whether it was tunnels or whether we were hour on the internet. So we got on it. I still don't know. I still don't know whether it was tunnels or whether we were actually on the ground. But I think Google, we know, we've come to depend on it and it's an unreliable aid. Yeah.

That's all I'm saying. I think you could be right. Thanks. I bet there's an app for that, though. I bet there's an app for people that don't like being on the ground that they can just put in their route and... That's my guess. Well, I think... Do you think we... I think there's an app for people that don't like being underground that they can just put in their route and that's my guess I think there's an app for everything

Oh there's an app for everything I was in the garden with a friend last summer and a plane flew over a plane flew over and somebody said I wonder where that's going

something you don't often hear said I've heard it said since my childhood about planes A plane flew over and somebody said, I wonder where that's going. Something you don't often hear said. I've heard it said since my childhood about planes. But somebody said, I wonder where that's going. And she just held up an app to the sky at this thing and it said where the plane was going. Wow. That's a very specialist app. Isn't it?

Track my plane. Who cares where the plane is going? There's an app called I Live Under a Flight Path. I'm trying to make the Track my plane. Who cares where the plane is going? There's an app called I Live Under a Flight Path and I'm trying to make the best of it. What would you call that app? Is it a plane? I'd do a plane called... The only time I care where a plane's going is if it's heading towards my house.

But I... Yeah, there is an app for everything. Well, I think we have a lack of tolerance now for the unknown. We want guarantees before every journey. We need to know when the cab's going to arrive, etc. Okay, that's my little thought for the day. I liked that. I enjoyed that.

There's more wisdom in that than you'd get in Capital Radio on 12 months. I would like to know if anyone knows that. Does Thames League I mean actually being on it is that a roof or are we underground is that

is that it's she was getting very anxious of course I was getting anxious and I stick my P.A. I knew her job

was hanging by a thread Nick Coy has got in touch oh yeah normally bashful what's he yeah I was going to say what's he carping about

I think we came from two different angles the auspices are good because his twitter handle well that's what the vet told me the stat monster now I don't know about you The auspices are good because his Twitter handle is... Well, that's what the vet told me. The stat monster. Now, I don't know about you, but anyone called a stat monster,

I suspect they know their onions. Oh, yeah. He has news on Thameslink. Oh, OK. Thameslink goes, brackets, intermittently. I'm giving that tone, but I think it's one he would have liked. Underground from just after Blackfriars to just after St Pancras is pretty scary, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Very good.

Someone else has said that. Hold on, so is it a tunnel? Yeah, it's... It goes underground. So they're not at ground level with stuff built over them. They literally go underground. Well, 285 has said that they think it uses a very old Northern Line tunnel. Oh.

Oh, I love that you know that. How do you get a very old Northern Line tunnel? I think it's just a spare. It's like the Northern Line suddenly says I'm going a different way and not using that anymore. I think that's what's happened. Anyway, look, I'm sorry for people who don't live in London because this has gone a bit south-east. Even I will apologise. Yes.

We can easily make it more accessible. A quick email entitled Anglo-Saxon Exhibition. Oh, yes. Frank in capitals with an exclamation mark. I'm going to the BL's

British Library's Anglo-Saxon exhibition today. Is that correct, British Library's? Absolutely brilliant. Very excited, especially because I found out this week that the corrections for my PhD in Anglo-Saxon history have been accepted. So I'm going to the exhibition as a Doctor of

Anglo-Saxon Studies. Wow! Couldn't ask for a better reward. Very pleased to hear that you're a fellow fan of early medieval history. That is, that's brilliant. Emma. Hats off, Emma. Yeah.

That's fantastic, Emma. Can I just say, I don't wish to name drop, but a friend of mine got in touch recently regarding the Lewis chess set, and his mother brought the Lewis chess set over to the public, believe she did it it would have been like in the 70s or something um she had the fan she owned the franchise for the lewis chess set games oh not the actual pieces sorry all right but what i liked is that he had loads

of lewis chess set merchandise he wore a pendant pendant, apparently, with a knight. I said, wasn't it heavy? He said, no, it was flat. A flattened knight. Omar Sharif once appeared at the Birmingham trade fair to promote the Lewis chess set. Did he really? And Rod Stewart bought a Waterloo chess set. Thank you.

Did he? That's my friend Simon, yeah. Rod Stewart plays chess. Waterloo themed. Yeah, that's hard friend Simon, yeah. Rod Stewart placed, yes. Waterloo themed. Yeah, that's hard to picture, isn't it? It is, yeah. Yeah. Still.

Like silk trousers, I'm thinking. Military trouser, I can see him in that, Frank. So that's interesting, isn't it? Also, Emma, the Anglo-Saxonist, going to the exhibition. I wonder if she's going to be saying, well, actually, you know when an expert goes to anything? Yeah, before we've had enough of experts, Emma. Yeah, reading things off the wall saying,

well, you say that, but... Maybe that's what Michael Gove went. He'd been to a museum with an expert and he was fed up with them. Well, I always used to say that if I ever done that virgin... What's the one that goes to space? Oh, yes, the Challenger, was it?

Virgin Interstellar or something like that. I'm not Interstellar anymore. Don't you remember when I met Richard Branson and I put you up for it? Yeah, when I said I didn't want to be on with God rest his soul obviously nobody doesn't think he has one Professor Stephen Hawking

because although he's a great was a great genius imagine the I won't do the voice I think you'll find that that is not the Milky Way it's actually... A know-all quality.

It's actually a byline of the Omega incident, which... Yes, all right! No, can I get peanuts? It gets old. Yeah. Frank Skinner on the radio. Matt Cutler has said it's overground at Farringdon,

which is between Black Prize and St Pancras. I'm literally on it now, fuming with that guy who claims to be the king of trivia or whatever it was. Now, to be fair, he was called the Stat Monster. He didn't claim anything. I gave him that handle really i handed over i bestowed that title upon him it's the stat monster he is to stats what the honey monster is

to honey yeah i don't think we should get too heavily into train routes as a general broadcasting tip oh okay okay but um i genuinely wanted to know i still... OK, it did go underground. I do, however, want to get heavily... Am I going to broach this with my personal assistant who absolutely assured me it didn't go underground? Well, I mean, it's a common issue a lot of people are having this morning. It's difficult, though, because, I mean, you know, Kath was genuinely alarmed when it went underground.

Hmm. But it turned out fine, so she could use that. Turned out nice again. Right, anyway, let's move on. Well, I... There's no time to be discussing HR. Can't we disappear into the furry embrace of the Gruffalo? Not to be confused with popular comedian Janine Garofalo.

Who I worked with last year. Did you? I did. Didn't we have her on the radio show many years ago? It wasn't her. It was someone who'd, I think, once dated her. What, are we going to have her and she pulled out or something like that? That sounds very possible.

Frank, you're absolutely right. It was Jeremy Heddenbeck. We got an ex-boyfriend she pulled out. I mean, that's the line of command we follow. OK. So it was announced, I don't know if you saw this, but it was announced that the Royal Mint are going to release a special Groffalo 50p coin.

Did you see that? Yes. I tell you a weird thing about this. I read this in the Daily Mirror about this, and they began after the roaring success of the Paddington, Snowman and Peter Rabbit coins. I thought, was that a roaring success? Pass me by those.

A roaring success was like Love Island or something like that. Everyone was, you know, the bodyguard. Everyone was talking about it. The bodyguard was big. I don't remember saying, wow! You've seen those? Those 50 pences.

You've seen that Paddington 50 pence? I mean, everybody's talking about water cooler moments. Water cooler moments. Water cooler moments. I like the idea of people coming into work saying, hey, have you seen the Paddington 50 pences? Just getting their wallets out and looking through for 50 pences. Oh, the rendering on those Wellingtons.

I've never seen anything like it. You're in a shop and someone's standing there, and there's your chair, and they go, yes! Yes, Jemima Puddle Dock! No, I don't think it was a roaring. I mean, it's fine. I was pleased. I don't think it was a roaring. I mean, it's fine. I was pleased. Yeah, I don't remember it.

When you say pleased. When I got a couple, I got lucky. Did you? Paddington. I got a Paddington. Still got it. You never. Shut up.

Yes. Do you know, I've never even seen a Paddington. He's got wellies. I'll bring it in next week. Oh, shut up. What do you mean, has he got wellies? No, he's completely naked, isn't he? Well, he is.

Oh, what, he's got one coat? They're terrible things. He is naked, actually. He's tearing apart a hunter. I mean, it's not typical of Paddington at all, the shot they've gone for. It's very, you know, B-sides and other tracks album. He's trapped in one look forever.

And that's my idea of hell. Yeah. You've got to wear a duffel coat when he's 70. But, well, I was excited to get a Paddington. I'll tell you what I got. I'll give you the full. I've got, I got three. I got Paddington Bear.

How old are you? I got Peter Rabbit. And then when I say I got Peter Rabbit, I actually got Peter Rabbit. I did get Mrs. Tiggiewinkle, first of all. Right. But it's a bit like when it used to be we had ESO World Cup coins,

and there were some players who were very much squad players who were never going to play in the World Cup. That's how I felt about Mrs. Tiggiewinkle. But when I got Peter Rabbit proper, I was quite excited. And did you purchase these from the Royal Men? No, no. You got them as change?

I got them in change, yeah. Wow. They had, was there a Sherlock Holmes one as well, I believe? I couldn't find that one. No, there's... I had to get me a magnifying glass. Oh! He's got you.

And Samuel Pepys. Does he? Do you know Samuel Pepys? No. But it's the last time I'm getting changed around his house. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Samuel Pepys, straight round there.

So this is going to sound vulgar for anybody that's just joining the show. Frank's talking about his money. Does that sound vulgar? No, no, it does because they might not know that you're discussing your collection of coins. Well, it's not really a... It's the start of a collection, if you ask me. I think it's the most impressed I've ever seen you by one of my stories.

Hold on, you had to hold on. You've got this in your chain. Yeah, all the off-air gossipy ones. Not even raised an eyebrow, but once it's about collectible 50 pences. Once it's about the old money. What about when Faye revealed that she... Did you own a coloured coin or you'd seen one? No, she shook her head, no. But the coloured coins

are Faye is the assistant producer yes she is sorry extraordinary is it yes can you imagine

having a coloured coin in your possession I've got brown ones and some silver ones no like the Paddington has got a red wellies

and a blue were the coins were they all painted in the early days yes you know when people say our Were coins, were they all painted in the early days? Yes! You know when people say, our statues, of course they were all painted in the early days. It was coins all done.

We could paint our own coins. Yeah. It's not going to be the same, is it? Those coins, though, the coloured Paddington coins, they don't crop up in change. You have to buy them. Is that right? From the mint.

Oh, is that right? The Royal Mint? The mint. What's the mint? What do the mint? Can I ask you this? What do the Royal Mint spend their profits on from these sales? Can I say they're loaded, the Royal Mint?

Exactly. They must put it back into coins, surely. Well. Do you think they just put it into circulation? The money comes. What else do they do? Well, they make the Olympic medals for 2012. Did they? And I think

they make all the Queen when she gives out the knighthoods, Frank. Do they make those? Yes, I believe so. Alright. Well, I didn't know they were soiling their hands with that kind of stuff. But you got yours in change, your questionable ones.

Why do you question me on this? No, I'm just interested because it totally passed me by. I should check my change more often. Yeah, I was thinking I was too. I suspect you do that quite often. Let's be honest, Frank. But Mrs. Tiggywinkle. I'm not in there looking for collectibles.

Not at that stage, yeah. You could grate cheese on the Mrs. Tiggywinkle relief. great cheese on the Mrs Tiki Winkle relief but it's borderline advertising isn't it? Because the new one, the

Groffalo, I mean the Groffalo is a book it's got merchandise, isn't it a bit like a 50 pence advertising a franchise? Well I tell you what, I think if we'd have won, if England had won last summer, I think there might have been talk,

I'm just saying, of a little Chesterfield sofa, a 50p, and skin a bit of... Can you imagine that? There was talk of a Harry Kane £5 note. We talked about it, didn't we? There was, yeah.

Imagine you and David. Oh, I would have loved his little glasses in the relief. We've been on... We were on a crisp packet once, me and Dave, on a sofa. Oh, yes. I'd say that's as close as we've got to being on the actual currency. Legal tender. So, yeah, it's...

The Paddington. The thing is with it, like I said, I think they should stick to the main characters. Yeah. Who are they? You don't want supporting artists. Mrs. Tiggy Winkle. I was pleased to get it, but I wasn't thrilled. Right, yeah, yeah.

I mean, were you even pleased, to be honest? Well, with Paddington, I don't want a Mr. Gruber 50 pence. You don't want the obscure Oscars. What you're saying is you want... No, Judy Brown. Come off it. You want Top Cat.

You don't want Chooch. I want Top... Why don't they bring a Top Cat one out on a string? Oh, that's a good idea. Come on, Royal Mint, you could have that. If you're listening. They should definitely do that. That would be brilliant.

Could I request them? Could I go to my bank and say, I'd like to withdraw £1,000, please, in collectible 50 pences? Can I say, so far, they've done... Snowman. They've done the Snowman, Raymond Briggs. Yeah.

A white person from London. Julia Donaldson. Right. The Gruffalo a white person from London Julia Donaldson oh yeah right Groffler white person from London born in Hampstead Beatrix Potter

Peter Abbey white person from London and who was the other one Paddington Bear A.A. Milne white person

born in London no it was not A.A. Milne was it Mike A.A. Milne was Winnie the Pooh, wasn't he?

Yeah, I think Paddington Bear. Oh, I got that wrong. No, but Paddington Bear was a white person from London. Oh, okay, thanks. Michael, fill in the gap. Yeah, there's a theme. There's a theme that they're not

publicising quite so much is that you have to be a white person from London to get your character on a coin. Okay, I'm just saying it. Everyone's going a bit tense, but, you know, as you know,

comedian activist. We're talking about the Gruffalo. Oh, no, sorry, I have to do my... Oh, I'm sorry, Frank. It's perfectly all right. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Ellen Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There ought to be a way of making Dean rhyme with 15. I'll give some thought to my scansion. Yeah. I've spiralled into a gloom since we've been talking about these coins because it turns out that I might have had several of them in my change and inadvertently spent them. Bound to us.

It's not like you to stress over money. I'm gutted about it. But what happens if we all keep these 50 pences? Isn't that the very antithesis of what the Royal Mint is supposed to do? Oh, I see. Send things into circulation. Oh, I dare say we'll have an economist texting the show eventually.

Well, you say... I've got two Samuel Johnsons, 50 pences, and a Charles Dickens, 50 pence. You haven't spent any of them. You haven't spent any of them there in Skinner Towers. Can I... You referred to a economist.

To be honest, I can't be bothered to check. Wowee. I mean, I understand when You referred to a coin. To be honest, I can't be bothered to check. Wowee. I mean, I understand when it comes to the coppers, but with the silvers... Well, you can't trust the coppers like the old-time... No, you can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers. Go on, Emily. I noticed that in The Sun,

they said the Gruffalo coin will be released from February the 19th, according to money boffins. I like the idea that, who are the money boffins? And do they have those visors on, like in the old films? What do you think they look like, money boffins? I bet they've got one of those eyepieces that you can bring

they'll have a jeweller's eyepiece for looking at coinage. Yeah. I like the sounds. They'd have a jeweller's eyepiece for looking at coinage. Uh-huh. Yeah. I like the sounds. It's the last thing I'd want to be really into is money, I think. It is kind of a weird subject that can fry your head, though, isn't it? Like, the idea that these 50 pences might be worth £104. No, that can't be right.

I was in New Zealand a long time ago, and I said to another comedian that was on yeah on at the festival the weirdest part of the anecdote like I was like a day or two into the trip and I said so how much is kiwi dollars worth compared to a pound and he said something like well uh a pound is two kiwi dollars but because you live in London it'll be more like three. And it really fried my head. I was like, well, how are they going to know where I live when I'm spending it in the shops? And you lived in London, you say? I lived in London, yeah. It's been one. It's just been like one revelation wrapped in another, like a babushka doll based on

Alan Cochran's life. Wow. Is there anything else? Do you know what I love, Al? He reacted to you once being in New Zealand a bit like when, I think, your Nora was dating someone with a car, Frank. And everyone came out of the house in the street to have a look.

It's a second-hand Mini, but we all went out to have a look at it. That's good. It's the first time I've ever been in a car so he let us go inside I don't think it was actually moving

no but it was moving emotionally on bricks yeah we didn't kick the tyres in case can I say

some of these anniversaries are a bit spurious as well though you think well 60 years of Paddington yeah

60 a big deal 40 years of never stop me never stop me dreamies how would the song have gone if we'd said 60 years of Paddington who cares

why bring that up 40 years of the snowman oh yeah 150 of Beatrix Potts I just find it a bit 27 years since the last episode of Howard's Way. Is that the next coin? I think 150 years is a perfectly reasonable anniversary, isn't it?

350 years since Samuel Peep's last diary entry. That's weird, isn't it? Yeah. Come on. At least you can be fairly precise on the date with that one. That's one of the pluses. They said in this article that the Gruffalo is 20, so I think he's moved out of the deep dark wood

and he's at uni. Yeah. Now he's moved. I've got to confess, I've never read the Gruffalo. Now, it's because I don't have, as you know, I forgot to have children, but I, as Gruffalo, I mean, I assume you two are familiar with Gruffalo. Oh, yes.

Well, what's his vibe? I mean, I don't really understand much about him as a character. Well, he's a menacing character. I mean, he's an interesting choice for a coin because he is a tremendous physical threat in the dark, dark wood. But this is what I mean. Is he, you know, he's sort of, he's aesthetically quite challenged.

I think we can all agree. Is that part of his story, his narrative arc? He needs to be frightening. Okay. But the story is something I've always held on to and it's a common trope. And if you meet writers, you can see why. The story suggests that thin and frail individuals

are more intelligent than big strong ones. No disrespect Al, present company accepted. What am I, thin and frail? No, no, you're big and strong. I don't think so. You are, I am the little mouse, Dior Groffalo. How does that make me? Some sort of Mrs Tig Tikiwinkle character.

So the idea is that the clever but fragile and vulnerable little mouse is able to fool others by his sharp razor sharp intelligence. He does outsmart me. I mean him at the end, doesn't he? Of course he'd have hated Samuel Pepys, the little mouse, because I seem to remember Samuel Pepys buried an enormous cheese during the Great Fire of London. That's right. He thought it was going to melt.

That's right. Ah, there you go. Tie the ends together, now we can relax. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11, on 105.8 FM in London and the South East. Gruffalo has a portmanteau name, doesn't he? Oh, Gruffalo soldiers.

Um, sorry. Is it part grizzly bear, I assumed, part buffalo? If you add one of those, you know those sandwich things that cook sandwiches. A toaster? No, not a toaster. A grill. One that you sort of press down. If you had one of them. Sandwich press. Yeah, if you could have one that patterned the Gruffalo,

you could make Gruffalo soldiers to put in your soft-boiled eggs and then sing the Bob Marley song as you did it. That's worth thinking about. Okay. If you're doing a children's party, you can have that.

There's no trouble to go to either. No, not at all. Not at all. I just think it's a rather... If it's Grizzly Bear it's based on, is this it? Why is he... Grizzly Bear and Buffalo. I think it's just a made-up...

Oh, okay, fine. But obviously there's elements of that to... OK. And Groff, Billy Goat's Groff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's quite a lot of... And the Lower Low. You know, what were the Nazis? A lower...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think there's a lot of that in it. I like it. Would you recommend it? I like it a lot. I think because it's the classical aspect of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you recommend it, the classical aspect of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do you recommend it, though? You might not, yes. I would not, though, don't you? Well, this is what I mean. I talk about it all the time. You've mentioned Gruffalo on the show several times. Someone with bad teeth, I will say Gruffalo. Right.

Because they actually do say terrible teeth, I believe. Yellow teeth, I think, is one of their things, yeah. But I've never read it, and I need to stop doing that. No, I don't think so. I think that's allowed. I think some things get a foothold. In fact, I made a note of this the other day because I referenced the film 28 Days Later,

which I've never seen. I haven't seen it. I just said, oh, it's going to be like 28 Days Later because I knew roughly what the film was. I've had dinner with the female star of it. Have you? Yeah. Well, watch it then.

Yeah, watch it. That's my benchmark. Yeah, you watch it. I also do that with I See Dead People. Still not seen it. Oh, do you? You know the film? Well, well...

Films are such a time commitment, whereas The Gruffalo, I reckon you could read The Gruffalo in about a minute and a half. If I ever change my name by deed, Paul, I'm going to change my name to Ian Christopher Dead People. So then my name will be I See Dead People.

Do what? I really can't believe you would do that. That is the sort of thing you do. I could always change it back once I've got all the laughs out of it. I don't think you would.

I think you'd so enjoy the laughs. The gift that keeps on giving. The sun said... My name, it's icy. Now, the Mirror said there's no... They haven't said what the design will be for the Gruffalo kind, but they expect it to use an iconic picture of the Gruffalo. Right.

They said maybe the one from the cover of the book. I thought, this is pure speculation. And also, of course they're going to use an iconic. You're not going to get him just leaving frame. One of them with his eyes shot. Really arty shot. Yeah, it's not like a paparazzi shot of the Gruffalo. Of course it's going to be iconic.

It's on a coin. He hates getting pats to the Gruffalo. Also, let's be honest. How different does the Gruffalo look? I mean, does he have a good side? No. And a good angle? No. He's all bad side. I think for people with bad teeth, that's positive

though. Can I say, if there's anyone listening who looks like the Gruffalo, don't take it to heart. Don't call me. And according to our research, we're talking about between 25 and 30% of the listeners. And yeah, and Black

Tour t-shirts. Converse trainers. I think Dunlop green flashes. Oh, is it? Yeah. Tesco Levi's. But yes, obviously we're speaking light heartedly about the Gruffalo's appearance

it's what's inside that counts as with the navel orange on the coins front I I went with my child to buy some matcha do you know what they are? Yeah.

They're popular football collecting cards. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like the Paninis. And, pardon? They're like the Paninis. Yes, except they're hard cardboard. Okay.

You paused as if I'd said a bad thing. No, I misheard. Okay. So, what had happened is that Boz had opened his pig, you know, his saving pig. Piggy bank. Piggy bank, yeah. I couldn't remember what they were called. I've never heard it described quite like that.

You made it sound like some autopsy, animal autopsy. Yeah. What was that programme when they used to open big animals up? What was it called? Do you remember it? Oh, yes, I do remember that. They'd cut an ox open or something like that. No?

It was the animal autopsy. Might have been. Anyway, it wasn't that. It was a piggy bank. And he had three quids worth of pennies and tomsies. Yeah. So we went down to the shop down the road, and because match attack football cards are a pound a packie.

So we went, and he turned up, and he put an enormous, it was in a bag, all these pennies. It's like the Weimar Republic. They were carrying it around in a bag. All these pennies and coins. It's like the Weimar Republic. They were carrying it around in supermarkets. It's like money has completely lost its thing. Also, it made me think, every now and again in the newspapers, there's a story of a... It's usually a man, I think it's always a man,

who pays a tax bill or a traffic thing in coins to be just be a i can't think of a word i can say on an annoyance yeah yeah to be a deliberate yeah um and it i'm a very big fan of the recurring themes in news um we used to do a thing, foreign objects in food. People found a rat's head in crisps and stuff like that. Very fat cat used to be another. Yes. Absolutely. Smoking monkey, less so, but was quite a big theme, smoking monkey.

So he's in the shop. Actually, if anyone else has got any of those, any recurring news tropes, 8, 12, 15, I'd love to, because they are very... The nice ones. Yeah, they're very satisfying, though. You're absolutely right, though. It's the person challenging the parking ticket.

Yeah, the sort of stroppy bloke pays in coins. Anyway, the... It's the equivalent... Sorry, Frank, I was going to say, it's the equivalent of when I say, fine. But this was the shop, if you remember, where I bought Extra Strong Mints and it said not to be sold individually, where it'd been split in Maltese. And if you split the Maltese, and then if the person who's bought one of the Maltese full price

comes in with a big pile of coins, I think you scratch my card, as the news agents will say, I'll scratch yours. Although he's going to probably repaint, judged by the... Has that ever been a scam? That people have repainted with silver paint scratch cards?

Oh. If you had like... Remember when those potato print things, when you used to cut a shape out of a potato and then print? I think you could completely restructure a scratch card and sell it again. With a bit of silver paint.

There have been a spate, I'm using the spate, A Johnny Spate? In relation, oh lovely Frank, in relation to the scratchies, of false claims. Yes. People, doctor. People doctoring the number.

Yeah. It's happened. I think it's a thing that people do now. When I hear false claims, I think of the old time of paying for gold. That's what I think of. Anyway, he accepted it and he got his three things. And the man, in fact, what we did is we left the money, we went to church,

and when we got back, he finished counting them and he gave him the three packets. Oh, that's nice. How was his receptione, you know, to the coins in the bags? Did he say, oh, no worries? Was he upset about it? I think he smiled. You know how people smile at children? They're sort of like, oh, that coin? Was he upset? I think he smiled. You know the way people smile at children?

They're sort of like, oh, that kind. He did that. Oh, lovely. Good, I like him. If he counted those coins whilst you were at church and it was all done as you got back from church, does that mean that he counted them at Godspeed? You're not sure about that?

No, it's fine. I'm happy with that. Frank Skinner on the radio. You're not sure about that? No, it's fine. I'm happy with that. OK, we've just heard from Phil.....from Barnsley. Phil from Barnsley? Not Phil Barnsley. Hey, Frank, I've just got a Paddington 50p. You do know there are two different ones?

Well, I did know it already in the mirror. One, he's waving a flag outside Buckingham Palace, and the other is on the train station platform. They're both Brexit themed. We've also had 345 texting Nature's Giants was the programme Frank was alluding to.

Ah, yes, Nature's Giants. But Animal Autopsy would have been better, wouldn't it? Yeah. Often I find the mistake is better than the actual thing. And 393, don't think that I haven't seen your complaint about me giving away the ending of The Gruffalo and requesting a spoiler alert, Klaxon. Sorry about that.

I didn't quite give it away. What would it be in a 20-sentence long book? I just thought it was fine. Yeah, I mean, what would it be in a 20 sentence long book? I just thought it was fine. Yeah, I mean, come on. There is a sequel,

of course, that we haven't mentioned. What's it called? Gruffalo's Child. He has children? Well, he has eight children. There's no sign of any,

I mean, he's a single parent. Yeah. What's the, okay, so what's the system there? I think the Gruffalo's Child is what they used to call

in the papers a test tube baby. Or maybe there was a donor, a surrogate mother, perhaps. I wondered if it might be like Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson. It could be his ward. That's right. He might have got a ward. What's ever happened to the ward?

I don't know. I haven't met a ward. Do you know? And I always... It was a Victorian conceit. Well, I always associate it with the sort of... Miss Havisham met a ward. Do you know, and I always, it was a Victorian conceit. Well, I always associate it with the sort of, Miss Havisham had a ward. I always associate it with Dick Grayson.

I don't think I can think of another one. Well, I always think of it with sort of 19th century literature. You know, they would have the ward, wouldn't they? There would be a sense to stay with someone. Millionaire Bruce Wayne and his ward. He had a ward? Yeah. There you go. So the Gruffalo He had a ward? Yeah. There you go.

So the Gruffalo essentially has a ward with him. He has a ward. It's ought to be called the Gruffalo's ward. Does the Gruffalo look like the Gruffalo? The child, sorry. He's slimmer. Oh, a slim Gruffalo. Yeah.

Call me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We can sort the wart out. I know a great woman. Yeah, it's yeah, it looks like it's going to be that you can see you can see the parents. It can't

be it's ward actually because it looks like although they're a species. It's the mother. Come on. That might be a book that's forthcoming. Okay. Gruffalo's mother. Yeah, but I don't know. There's the surrogate. The Gruffalo surrogate bride, I think, is Julie Donaldson's.

I think she said she found the Gruffalo's mum a difficult one to write because there was a lot of legal stuff about her. Yes. Poor old Julia. Who was getting custody. It was just getting her really down. I'll tell you something. Let alone the rhyming couplets.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I asked the... I can't communicate. It was just getting her really down. I'll tell you something. That and the rhyming couplets. Yeah. Sorry, I asked the... I can't communicate. I was going to ask you, how long we got left, generally speaking? Extraordinary. Yes! About a minute of this length and one more.

Sorry, but I tried miming and signals, and honestly, she looked at me like one would look at a wardrobe in a second hand furniture shelf. I've got nothing coming back at all. George Lineker would describe this as absolute scenes on absolute radio.

Well this is absolute scenes. I just remembered something else about coins. Shall we begin it? How long's the last bit? Four minutes, that'll do it. See all I need is a target. But shall we begin it? How long's the last bit? The last bit will be about four minutes. Four minutes, that'll do it.

See, all I need is a target. Simple as that. As a Carlos de Jaco once told me. God, he was a raccoon, two and a half. You were asking for repetitive news stories that pop up. Well, repeating rather than repetitive. Oh, right, repeating, yes. Yeah.

We've had an email in saying, big spiders found in a bunch of bananas. Oh, yeah. That is still alive, I think. An ex-girlfriend of mine bought me a cactus back from holiday. It was a metaphor. But there was a big spider in that. Luckily, it had passed away. But thank God it was a real big one.

Using the euphemism to be sensitive to the spider's existing family members. Yeah, I thought so. No, the other coin thing I thought of is I found in a drawer, I think it was 11 pound coins of the previous manifestation. Oh, yeah. So not the new pound coins. Much bigger. Well, they're not much.

I thought they were chunkier. Yeah, definitely heavier and more sort of medieval. But I thought, oh, I've missed the sell bar. I've missed the spend-by date

on these. Have you then? Is that it? So, I was going to put them in the bin. It's very hard to throw...

That's a real... Very hard to throw money in the bin.'s very hard to throw that's a real very hard to throw money in the bin yeah remind me what you think when i was clear that every speaking of newspaper tropes used to be every now and again you'd get like a millionaire lighting a cigar with a five pound note which i think they made illegal in the end, that you can't burn the currency. So I had these things. I thought, I don't know what to... I couldn't throw them away. No.

I thought I could keep them for scratch cards. Oh, yeah. For example, specially. Or for any big decisions. Oh, yeah. Because if you're going to toss a coin, it's a big decision. It's like if you're in a duel. If I was in a duel, I'd want flintlocks.

Yeah. Because you want it to be an event. Yeah. So if I was going to buy a house, not buy a house, to have these coins specially for that, I thought might be a... Anyone ever been involved in a duel 8, 12, 15 talking of houses Frank

I've just thought that's a local news story what's that it's the narrowest house they do the narrowest house

in the county you know that anyway it turned out good news yes I took them to the bank and they gave me

new pound coins for them, still. Excellent. So they're still, oh, it was like, it was like Gary Barlow. One minute they were nearly in the bin and the next minute they were bright and sparkling again. I was also going to suggest a metal drill and just drill a hole and make a little necklace with them.

That's me, I'm creative. Yeah, we had a story on it. Do you remember the story about a man who paved his garage floor with coins? But there were, I mean, like I said, I think there was 11. There were two pence and one pence. Yeah, I couldn't have paved a canary cage.

No. I could have built quite a nice little staircase for a canary up to the perch. That would have been nice. Yeah, looking back. But, you know, they're spent now. Eight quid's eight quid, isn't it? Eleven quid.

What's eleven? I mean, it might not have made the stairs. It depends on the age of the bird. But anyway, we're not going to... Not the first time I've heard that. First time I've heard you say that. Exactly. I've always gone up the stairs in the past.

Anyway. I made the joke. It's all right. Yes, it's all right. Don't worry. Don't panic, anyone. I can say it. Nothing bad has gone on.

Nothing to say. Just move along. Move along. We've got the police tape around that remark. Something's happened to my voice. You're sounding a bit grumpily. I do feel a bit. Sarah's given me a glass of water.

There's precisely eight seconds to go on the show. By the time I've drunk it, there'll be no time to say goodbye. Hold on. Secret advert for water. This is a sponsored advert. Water. Don't advertise Paddington Bear or the Gruffalo on coins. What's next?

The Pepsi Fiver? So, look, thank you so much for listening today. And, you know, when we're not funny, we're interesting. And that's something you can all take away as a general rule for life. So, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Toodle-oo. Get your weekly Frank fix.

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