The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Paternosta

Episode Date: April 4, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Zoe Lyons and Alun Cochrane. Frank had a showbiz week and went to the opening of Sweeney Todd which was spoiled by a coughing fit. The team discuss April Fools, job interviews and Frank's adventures on the paternoster - who knew?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. Morning. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Good morning, Zoe. Thanks for joining us today. It's always lovely to see you. Nice to be here for you. You bring a breath of sea air. Thank you. A whiff of salty air. Yes.

She lives in Brighton. It's not that she just smells a bit. She works in a chip shop in Ealing. A pet seagull sat on my shoulder. I love seagulls, you know. Do you? Oh, no. Yeah, I'm pro-seagulls.

No. Yeah. You love an underdog, don't you? Oh, is that a maverick? Yeah. They are. They're little characters, the old seagulls. I had a standoff with a seagull in my car the other day.

What was it doing in your car? It would not move. It would- it wasn't in my car, that would have been a bit weird if I'd just- Well, you were in your car. That would be terrifying. I was in the car, Sigurd was on the road, and it wouldn't shift. And it was that thing of, am I going to have to run over you? Really? Hold on, I don't know the end of this story. I do. So yes, you did have to run over. It did waddle off, but it gave me a proper look as it sort of... Yeah, like, yeah, come on. Excellent. I was once, um, Alex Jones of one show of fame

tried to put them into Room 101. I wouldn't have it. The seagull? No. Characters. I'm with her. Anyway, uh, it's lovely to have you here. And it's lovely to have you here as well, Al.

Don't get me wrong. But, you know, you're a bit of a fixture. Um, I'm a fixture, yeah. We don't have to make a special deal out of it. Thank you. That's what I think. So, um, first thing, can you know, you're a bit of a fixture. I'm a fixture, yeah. We don't have to make a special deal out of it. Thank you. So, first thing, can I say, I was making a sandwich last night, and I took

two pieces of bread out of my bread bag. You call it a bread bag? Is it in a bag? I'm already loving the story. It comes in a bag, doesn't it, bread? I don't mean I've got a special bread bag that I keep bread in. Like a bread bin. Bread bin, of course, I find very deceptive

because it sounds like it's been thrown away. No, it's where it's kept. Yeah, rubbish. Anyway, so you wouldn't have a meat bin, would you, where you kept your meat? So this bread, I actually took a photo of it and sent the photo to Daisy because I thought that it looked a bit like an Easter bunny, the slice. You know when you get bread where they've just,

they've completely thrown away the idea of the rectangle altogether and it's all indented in the middle. And I was putting cheese slices on, who are slaves to the rectangle. Very keen observers. Yeah, the two together, there was horrible overlap. They were like cloud-shaped. Was it sliced bread?

Sliced! What happens? Was it punch bread? No! Was it like artisan? No, it wasn't artisan. Oh, you shouldn't... It was Easter Bunny bread. No, but not on purpose.

We'll put the photo on the... I'd like to see the photo. I'll show the photo and we'll put it on the goddamn website. It's about time this thing was stopped. What is it? You get the big air bubble in bread? The hole in the bread, though, is unacceptable. That's where the mayo falls through. If you've got a hole in the middle... though, is unacceptable. That's where the mayo falls through. If you've got a hole in the middle...

What falls through? The mayo. Oh, the mayo. If you haven't got any sort of... They said the mail. The mail. Yeah. The daily mail falls through the hole in my bread.

You could post mail into one of those slices with the air bubble in the top. I think you could go to a premiere taking one of those slices as a clutch bag and nobody would even notice. Just hold it by the arched cross section and you could turn up with one of those slices of bread with the air bubble in the top.

The price we pay for bread, what is it, eight quid a loaf? I think a slice in some shops. Eight quid a slice, yeah. Somebody should be in, puncturing those air bubbles early in the process. Yeah. Because we're not getting the bread that we know we're being led to believe we're getting. Yeah.

That's my little protest. There you go. It's not right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've got a text in from reader 536 about seagulls. From my neck of the woods. My sister lives in Hove and she was heavily pregnant and walked into Tesco for a bar of chocolate. Walked out the shop, opened the bar to take a bite.

She felt a flapping and a sky dog, brackets, seagull. Never heard that expression before, but I'm quite enjoying it. Had swooped down onto her right shoulder and stole her galaxy bar. That was three years ago. It happened again three weeks ago in the same place, but he stole her dairy milk. I'm not sure if it was the same seagull. That'd be really freaky. Well, I don't know.

I'd start to worry if I'd been stalked. I imagine they have pitches. They're like buskers. And often it must, like the same seagull must think, do you remember that time that I got that dairy milk here? I'll go back here and hang out again. I reckon they do think that. Yeah, why not?

I once had a seagull steal a lamb chop from my lit barbecue. Wow. That's what I mean about them. They're absolutely fearless. They're like raffles. They're like rats raffles the the victorian jewel thief all right they're not like raffles like you get in the pub where you can win like a leg of lamb yeah unlucky yeah lose a leg of lamb more like but that i mean a whole bar of

chocolate result that was in it for a seagull yeah that's that's a good idea. Or is it? Can they have it? Well, the weird thing, every now and again in Brighton, you'll be walking down the street and a starfish will land on you. No. Yeah, because they'll pick up the starfish from the seafront, the seagulls, and then they'll carry them so far, and then they'll go, now this is a bit heavy, and drop it. And I've had a starfish land on my head.

Well, you should put it in your pocket and save it for a rainy day. I will. What I do is I nail them to the ceiling of my bedroom so it looks like I've got a sortfish land on my head. Well, you should put it in your pocket and save it for a rainy day. I will. What I do is I nail them to the ceiling of my bedroom so it looks like I've got a sort of universe in my head. That's a great idea. It's the more organic version of the fluorescent stickers. I think if I lived there, I'd just have it on the side of the bed for jewellery. For rings.

Dangled stuff. It looks a bit like Janet Jackson's... Remember when she had her wardrobe malfunctioned? Yeah, I do remember. It was like a starfish... I remember it well. ...nipple stamp. Maybe it had been dropped there by a seagull.

We don't know. Yeah, exactly. Everyone blamed... What's his name? Justin Timberlake. I think they did, yeah. Turned out it was a seagull. Nearly ruined her career.

Did he? Yeah. She's still alive. Yes. Oh, good. No, I Yeah. She's still alive. Yes. Oh, good. No, I was thinking of the wrong one. We've also had an email. It's the brother, wasn't it?

It's the brother who died. Yes. Yes, it was. I like the idea that he's quantified by how famous she is. The brother. But, you know, one of the family went down. That's all I know. Jackson Down, I think that was the headline.

I think it was, yeah. Jackson Down's a very unsuccessful animation. Have you ever seen it? Yeah, was that the precursor to the rabbit one? Yeah, exactly. But it's mainly Joe Jackson eating him with a big leather strap. Jackson eating him with a big leather strap. Red thighs shining like fire.

We've also had an email. Do you remember Joe Jackson's quote when Michael Jackson died? He said, where some verse strange went on, one minute he was live, next minute he was dead. So he said... That's the normal order, Joe. It's good to meet a fully qualified doctor

at the scene now, isn't it? Yeah, don't mean many of them in the Jackson house. Anyway, that's the topical stuff out the way. The wacko jacko routine. Exactly. And the wardrobe malfunction. Oh, dear. You're listening to absolute 90s.

That's what they should do. That's what they should do. Wardrobe malfunction. Oh, dear. You're listening to absolute 90s, isn't it? That's what they should do. That's what they should do. On the Decade stations, they should be doing, on absolute 80s, they should be doing minor stripe material. If we could get on absolute 90s, I've probably got some stuff about the Millennium Bug still kicking around.

Yeah, I've got my Golf War stuff. Yeah, we'll have to sort this out. Because of what they're doing, the presenters are living in the modern world and the music's in a different decade. They need to even things up a bit. Yeah, totally. I'm all for that. Let's compose an email to the powers that be.

We can action this. OK. We've had an email. See, they don't have email at absolute 70s and 80s. Oh, that's troubling. of trouble, isn't it? Write it on parchment. Get your fountain pen out. My peerless 125.

Yes. We've had an email about something I said in the show, but I'm very happy to come back to it if you want. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, in Small Cars. Now, I don't know if you remember a mere week ago, you got a bit tense about my suggestion that fat men in very small cars was funny to look at. I don't think you can say fat anymore, Zoe. You're extremely

politically correct. The larger fat man. Extremely politically correct. Honestly sounded like he was going to say you're extremely fat, didn't it? Does it sound like I'm sat here cross-legged in a poncho? No. Which I am. Yeah.

I should say, in case you don't know, Zoe is 38 still. So this is a tense moment. And currently sat in a chinky cuento. Yes. Bless you. Well, where you get your food from is your business. So the email, hello, listening to the podcast of last week's show, I was very amused by Alan's suggestion,

no, it's very amused there, of recruiting a fat man... That'll be on the Edinburgh poster. Very amused. Of recruiting a fat man to be the new presenter of Top Gear and be squeezed into small cars. It reminded me of a school friend 30 years ago.

He was big and ginger-haired, a kind of spherical Ron Weasley, and inevitably his first car was an original white Fiat 500, which are the tiny little ones. Okay. Another friend who went on to become a journalist described watching him get into his car as like

watching an orange squeezing itself into a ping-pong ball. I'd pay to see that. That's power trade. Yeah, that is beautiful. We'll have that one. Rather than fatty abuse, that is...

I don't think I did any fatty abuse. No. Of course, one thing we don't have on this show is anti-gingerism. No?

No, I've got one in the family. Changed my view completely. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

That's that That's done with now I've out-trode it Forget about it Out-trode, good That's what they call it Faded out Very slick

Can you never look at me and say find it out again? It's very bad for morale. I gave you a proper dirty look as I did it as well. You don't get really dirty looks. No. I tell you what I haven't had for years, the glad eye. Do you remember that?

What's the glad eye? It's what you give someone when you fancy them. And they used to call it the gladi i got one this week did you oh it happened so rarely that i properly noticed it i was like yeah do you want to give us the details um i think it was the gladi it could have been just the wandering eye. Yeah, yeah. The lazy eye. To be fair, actually, they were wearing sunglasses, so they could have been looking anyway.

You can't get the glad eye from someone in sunglasses. Unless they pulled them down onto the crook of their nose. I'm really disappointed. That would be sexy. That would be a good glad eye. I convinced myself it was the glad eye. You know, I don't know what's more embarrassing, being caught in a lie or catching someone in a lie.

I've often thought that. So I went to the Dome this week. Oh, yeah. You know the Dome. The much-mocked Millennium Dome. We should be doing this on Absolute Northies. I know, yeah. I went to the Millennium Dome.

And to see... I'm not calling it by its new name. No. If people want to get their brand on this station, then Dan will pay for it. Yeah. So I went to the Millennium Dome to the Elvis exhibition.

Uh-huh. Are you aware of this? Yeah. Sorry, every time you bring up Elvis, I always go, uh-huh. And you never notice. No, I never notice. It's been four years or so that you still haven't noticed.

I've finally broken you. You've had to do it with a footnote. Well, I'm an Elvis fan, and so I went along. Do you know Elvis? I've heard of his work. Yes, exactly. And it was, I liked it. It's clothes and stuff

he owned mainly which you have an interest in yes there was a leather wrist strap stroke support from the 1968 TV special why support? well people used to wear those

when I was a youth those leather wrist straps. You know the ones with, like, three little buckles that go across? And they used to call them wrist supports then. Right. And I think that was their justification, that they weren't wearing them just for vanity, which obviously they were.

I mean, to be fair, some of them were heavily into archery, so that was different. Was Elvis into archery? No, I don't think Elvis was into it. Not So that was different. Was Elvis into archery? No, I don't think Elvis was into it. Not that I know of. Just as well he wasn't, I would say. Yes. I think there could have been some terrible stories

based around that. Audience members just dropping from the balcony. But, yeah, so I made me think, you know, I'm a bit sensitive about my thin wrists. I'd love to get myself a black leather wrist strap, but I don't know if I could carry one off. Cuffs. Yeah.

A bit like a cuff. Like a Wonder Woman cuff. Like a goth would wear. Like a Wonder Woman cuff, yeah. Like a Wonder Woman cuff. Wonder, wonder, did you say Wonder Woman cuff. Like a goth would wear. Like a Wonder Woman cuff, yeah. Like a Wonder Woman cuff. Wonder, wonder, did you say Wonder Woman? No, Wonder Woman. As in a woman who wanders.

No, Wonder Woman, she had the cuffs, didn't she? That'd be a good name for her, and a kinder name for a bag lady. She's a Wonder Woman, who wanders. Yeah, lovely. I don't know if I could carry it off. It's a bit like, you know when you see those blokes who wear, like, leather necklaces with seven or eight beads just at the front?

Yeah. I mean... You know, they're basically saying, yes, I've done yoga on the beach. Yeah. I have surfed once. Yeah. I have a problem with those people.

I don't want to fall into that particular trap. You with me? Yeah. I think you might be able to carry off the leather cuff, though. Do you think? Don't wear it on the same day as your leather crown. No, one's gold and one's black. It all goes a bit off-rampant.

I don't know whether I'd go for leather. Maybe knitted. It's a different... Yeah, it's a different look, but... Like a tennis sweatband. The trouble is I'm hoping to do a little bit of falconry with it. And I don't want him to get his talons

caught in the knit one, pearl one. That would be awkward. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh yeah, I tell you what they did. They were selling, you know, the classic white jumpsuits from the 1970s. Obviously, they had the originals of several of those,

but they were also selling facsimiles. One of them was about four grand. What? A facsimile? Yeah. A fax? No. What? A facsimile? Yeah. A fax? No. No, not a fax of one.

An approximation of it. Yes, exactly. Oh, I'm totally confused. Why would you want one of Elvis's old faxes? People love memorabilia. Oh, no, you could say get more for one of Elvis's old faxes, but this was... Hey, send me through some more meatloaf.

Stereotypeping the king. I actually... I thought it'd be nice to buy one of those 70s jumpsuits, but not wear it professionally, just wear it round the house. Yeah. Imagine gardening in one. White, though. That'd be all right.

People play cricket in white stuff. That's messy. They get covered in green stains on their knees. That'd be quite good. People play cricket in white stuff. That's messy. They get covered in green stains on their knees. Yeah, but that'd be quite good, wouldn't it? Having a Elvis jumpsuit with green bits on the knees and stuff. And lots of stuff in their pockets. And if it's a bit cold, maybe wear a tank top over it to cover the split chest thing.

I think they're rarely accessorised. He wears a big belt, that's about it. Quite a dramatic collar on them. Oh, yeah, the mandarin collar. There's a big collar. Is that what it's called? A mandarin collar. Is it?

You weren't on the show when I had my bolt holes. I had a big spot on either side of my neck. I had a kill for a mandarin collar. They were absolutely lined up it looked like i'd removed like the monster had took the ball created well kid had you know got had a couple of days off and thought i'll take the bolt out yeah had to go through an x-ray machine exactly that's it the frankenstein monster at an airport that That's what I look like. Anyway, I didn't buy one in the end.

I was with Tim Vine, popular comedian Tim Vine. I like Tim Vine. Yeah, he was tempted. Was he? Yeah. He had one of those mock-up photos done with him and Elvis got his arm around him. Oh, that's nice. It looked fine.

I like it when celebrities get things like that done. Uh-huh. Because you could think, obviously, you couldn't meet Elvis, but I'm sure he's got pictures of himself with arms around all sorts of people. Yeah, probably. Lizzie, I think, from Prisoner Cell Block H. Oh, yeah. I think he's telling me he's got that on a T-shirt, which is excessive.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Oh, I've had a very eventful week, might I tell you. I went to...

To the night, I went to the opening of Sweeney Todd. You do love the musical theatre, don't you? I do. So, at the... Are you familiar with Sweeney Todd? Sondheim? Yes. Yes.

Yes. I went there. It was Emma Thompson and Bryn Terfell. Really? Doing it, yeah. So I got invited to the opening. I was pretty excited, to be honest with you. Got in there and it was, I had a great seat.

Fifth row, middle of the row. Oh, that's good. I was two seats away from Jane Torville. Oh. That's good. Martin Lewis, two seats away on the other side. What, the money-serving expert? Yes.

Really? He must have booked them way in advance. Well, they were free. I always, when I phone up, I say, what's the closest seat you've got to Jane Torville? Uh-huh. And I realise I'm on thin ice. It's rubbish. That's rubbish.

Can we cut that live? Oh. Should have been told. So anyway, I got there. Brilliant seat, middle of the road. Show started. Fantastic opening to the show. I thought, I'm loving this.

And I just felt a bit of a tickle in the throat. And then I had, like, the most enormous coughing fit. Like, a coughing fit when you think, I might either die. You know when you start getting a bit lightheaded? Yes. Because the air's not really coming in. You're getting a bit, ooh. Ooh, baby.

I got a bit like that. Ooh, baby. Yeah, and I was coughing, and I could sense hatred all around me. You know, there's big stars on stage singing, and I thought, I've got to get out. And I raced out, and you can't really race out from the middle of a row. See, what was a benefit to your seat was then a problem immediately.

Yes. You're right, the whole thing turned on a sixpence. And I also stood on some woman's foot, I mean, quite hard. Like a strappy gold shoe, you know, I had no protection. You didn't have a blade on the bottom of it, did you? No, it wasn't her, I went the other way. I thought, I'm not crossing Jane. I don't want to end up side by side

at the end of Ravel's Bolero on the floor, the two of us. So, no, I stepped on some poor woman's foot. And I find that people tend not to wear metal toe caps to opening nights of musical theatre, so there was no protection. Anyway, I got into the bar and my coughing fit continued to the point where a member of staff came up and asked me if I was all right. And I was just drinking water.

And then they said, would you like to come downstairs and watch it with the latecomers? Oh. So I assumed that was a folk band who were going to be playing after. So I went downstairs and there was about eight people sitting in this little line of chairs, watching it on a screen. The tardy. Yeah.

Exactly, the tardy. And so I sat there. I mean, they were disgruntled as you can imagine, because they'd turned up for a lovely night out and not told they couldn't come in. And then I had another bit of coughing thing. So, their night, which wasn't

going great, I couldn't even hear it on the screen because I'd just been moved. It's as if they'd said look at the coughing fit, can we move him over as a punishment for the late comers and further punishment? Because I don't think the

screen really hits them hard enough. Did you get back in for the second half? Well, it was that creaking, by the way, that's Captain Ahab who does his walk just above us this time of the day looking for the big white one. And, uh... There he goes. And, um...

So what we were waiting for is what I believe they call in the trade, a suitable break in the programme. Yes. So a man came out, sort of a senior member of staff, and said, OK, we're just coming up to a break. We can stand you all at the back. And I was thinking this night, I was looking forward to this night one minute you're sitting next to Jane Torville

the next minute they did bring round a tray of cakes for the latecomers that's quite nice when Martin Lewis hears about that he'll be in the latecomers queue for the free cake well I don't know about that at the end of the day

if you've got Emma Thompson Brintur for one door and particularly Valerie, the other one, you'd probably go for the music, wouldn't you? Maybe you wouldn't. I'm not a massive musical fan, so I might go for the pastry. You're saying you're not a massive musical fan. 38 Stone. Anyway,

well, I'd turn down the pastry, because I'll end up just spitting. Oh, yeah. It was lent as well. I didn't want to go into the lent thing, the late commerce. So, anyway, we all got up to go in, and I was even two miles away from going, so I thought, a coffin fit at the back.

And then this man just grabbed my forearm, reassuringly, and said, we've got you a box. And I thought, does he mean to stand on? Like, you know, on the terrace. But I ended up in my own... Result, I ended up in my own little box. Nice. And it was...

No one else in it, just me. I could have whittled in there. No one would have known. That's great. I whittle now occasionally, Zoe. Maybe you don't know about this. I don't know about this, but I'm quite interested in it. You know what whittling is, obviously.

Yeah, a bit of wood. Manipulating wood. Yes, exactly. Wood manipulation. Yes, I didn't. There was no wood manipulation in that box. Can I point that out? Good, good.

But they rescued, God bless them, they rescued what had begun as a terrible evening. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That was good. Thanks. Are you happy with that?

Yeah, yeah, I like the way you said that was all right. That was good. Thanks. Are you happy with that? Yeah, I like the way you said that was all right. That was good. I wanted to pick your brains about April Fool's Day this week because I'm normally very anti-practical joke, but this year... That's odd, isn't it, as you're a comedian by trade? Yeah, but I don't think practical jokes are always funny, are they? Jokes, I think, are quite often funny.

Well, jokes aren't always funny. You must have noticed that. But they're often funny. But, you know, practical jokes are often a bit mean, aren't they? When it's all done, like, people go, Oh, right. I'm not a lover of the practical joke. No, me neither. But I think...

What about the impractical joke? Much more fond of those. Is that when you pretend to be good at DIY? I mean, why are they called practical jokes? They're not at all practical. They're very opposite of that. They're frippery. Yeah, isn't it as opposed to verbal?

Like, it's a trick. I don't know. Is that today's texting? That's today's texting. Why are they called practical jokes? The textings on this show, Zoe, they evolve organically. We don't think about it. That's the way to do it. Best way to be. I think it was

Mr. Ponch who said, So anyway, what happened was... There goes the captain again. I was... You need some WD-40 on that. That's not the chair, it's my spine. Oh, sorry. I noticed a bit of leakage around the coccyx since then.

Oh, yeah. Since then, they're just like a pile of pennies, my spinal bits. The fluid's gone. Anyway, so did you... I did a couple. I did a couple. And me being anti-practical as well. But what happened was I was being driven home by a friend who'd been on at the same show

the night before April Fool's Day. And I thought, I've got like two hours to think of something, haven't I? I could think of something. And I've got a seven-year-old boy who I thought, if I get him with the right thing, he'll be quite excited that he's been tricked by his dad it'll be fun so I got up and I said to him and my wife I went oh it's a shame about that power cut this afternoon and I said there's like

a programmed six-hour power outage because they've overused the grid they were talking about it on talk sport last night that's what I said. I said Talk Sport. You said on Talk Sport. I thought that made it sound quite credible. You've got to hinge it up with some fine detail. Didn't want to go too detailed, so Talk Sport was perfect. My wife works from home, so she was like, oh, no, I'm going to be six hours without power.

My son had a swimming lesson. I said, look, I'm really sorry, but when you go swimming, it's going to be cold because they can't heat the water. But think about it. Swimming in cold because they can't heat the water. Yeah. But think about it. Swimming in cold water could one day save your life, so we'll still go. And he's looking like... Yeah.

And then... I like your spinning pipe. Yeah, yeah. She went downstairs and Googled it and caught me. So that was that done. But then I realised, oh, I'm up at half past eight. I could get my mum and my brothers. I've got until noon, haven't I?

Blimey, you're on a roll. Yeah, why not? Flushed with success. Sent my mum and my brothers a text message. Because you know I've recently passed my motorcycle test towards the tail end of last year. I sent them a text. Here we are, group one.

Early start this morning, back in Stockport where I did motorbike tests. Sit my HGV licence in an hour. Wish me luck, people. And a kiss. It's a random practical joke, isn't it? The I'm doing my HGV licence. I like that one, though.

Pretty good, though, because they're thinking, well, he's an eccentric, Alan. He's obviously just trying to get a licence in every vehicle going. It's one that Ali G never thought of. The I'm doing my HGV licence. Well, I then got a few different replies saying, you know, Bess, look, you're so strange, it's a weird thing you're doing. And I said, you know, I'm going to get a licence for this

and then I might start flying light aircraft. And then I sent a group message saying, failed, turns out an emergency stop in an HGV is not as easy as I thought. I feel bad about the pensioner I startled on a zebra crossing, but I'm determined to take away the positives from this experience.

Quite good, that, I thought. It is. I find it a bit painful as I failed my first driving test because I hit a pensioner on the Zephyr Cross. You did not, Frank. I did. Well, you are a one-man practical joke. That's what I'm saying.

Yes, I honestly do. Was it April? It was in April. I can't remember her name. Oh, it's jokes like that that make life worth living. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I wasn't very good this year.

I was busy. I was too busy to do practical jokes. That's what the football managers call a good problem to have, isn't it? It's a good problem to have, yeah, exactly. What I did is I got in at about, I suppose, about 5 o'clock, maybe a little later, but it's not important. And I grabbed my son's hobby horse on the way down and I could hear him in the kitchen. And I just put the hobby horse's head around the door on its own and waited. And then I heard

hysterical crying. And it had really frightened him. And he had like a big massive crying fit. So it wasn't... Is this at five in the morning? No, no, this is five in the evening. Five in the morning, that would be

terrifying. Yeah. That would be more like something from The the evening. Oh. Five in the morning, that would be terrifying. Yeah. That would be more like something from The Godfather. Yeah. Yeah. If that had been a hobby horse, though, in The Godfather, it wouldn't have been so. Is a hobby horse just a horse's head and a stick? Yes.

Oh, OK. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But, I mean, I didn't share much stick, so it could have been a... I think I was picturing a pommel horse, you know, like the gymnastics thing. Well, if that would have been...

If that poked its head round the corner, then, yeah. Yeah, does it? Terror would have ensued. No, not really. Zoe, no, I had a bad year. Did you, Zoe, you... No, I'm not a practical joker. Do you actively not do one?

No, I actively not do them at all. I thought I was the victim of one at one point. You made me feel childish now. I took a job that you know every now and again doing this profession you take a job that you think I shouldn't really be doing this but it pays alright and you think well I'll spend

the money on something nice but then when I turned up to do the job it was one of those ones that was so awful that I actually thought I'm like the victim of a practical joke. I thought there might be hidden cameras somewhere to say who would take a job like this. Oh, this desperate woman would. This desperate woman with a seagull on her shoulder, waddling her 38 stone. You thought it was the Zoe Lyons' exposure.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Solutions of grandeur. People saying, oh, I thought there was more to her than met the eye. Yeah. Okay. You're not prepared to tell us what the terrible job was? No, I still need it. Good Lord.

Okay. You bite the hand that feeds. I've got a hang... I've been sent here a text. We've been sent a tweet, rather, a tweet from Jamie Smith. Smith with a Y. Is that a smythe? Mm, could be.

Let's call him Smythe. Smythe. Smythe. It's linked to your oppressive 12ths, which I know that you are. Oh, yes, this is a bit of a theme on the show. In case you're new, my alarm went off at 6.09 this morning

because I don't see why it should have to be five past or ten past or quarter past there's a lot of perfectly good minutes in between well leading on to this jamie has sent you a picture of a of a traffic uh speed limit sign that's uh depicting a speed limit of eight which is quite brilliant out there isn't it's quite random that is excellent so that's just the kind of there, isn't it? It's quite random. That is excellent. So that's just the kind of thing... Quite hard to keep to, isn't it? Well, they all are. It is.

Impossible. But at least the five on the dial is quite easy to aim for, and eight on a speed dial. I'm damned if I can do less than 95 on the motorway. I mean, I find it hard to do eight in the HGV, because I'm often unwrapping a Yorkie simultaneously. Were you watching out for those seagulls? How beautiful

the whole thing's been drawn together, like a fabulous pomp bag. You know what a pomp bag is? No idea. This is a pomp bag. Oh, I'm enjoying it. This is helping the people at home. What do they call them, something else now? Drawstring bag that was free with something.

Yeah, that's what they call them. Free bag. But because we used to have our pumps in them at school. Oh, pumps? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were saying pomp. Like circumstance. Yeah, well, you're not used to the accent.

I understand that. I'm doing my best. But I can't go RP just for this morning. It'll upset everyone. Shall we try it? Yeah, why not? Now go RP just for this morning. It'll upset everyone. Shall we try it? Yeah, why not? No, it's time for the advertisements. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We've had a text saying Hi Frank, Alan and Zoe, in order of how much I recognise you from this show. Practical jokes describe the person more than the joke. Someone who couldn't think of a joke so just elaborately injures you instead, i.e. someone who is practical and not at all cerebral.

Rubbish, in other words. Yours, Eduardo Suarez. Good name. Excellent. That sounds to me like it might be a cerebral joke. Yeah. The name. I once was in a paternoster.

What? With a woman. You know paternosters? No, I don't think I do. It's a kind of... It's a non-stopping lift. So there's two open doors next to each other. And there's a lift that goes... It's named a paternoster because that is... It's a lift that goes, it's named Apatynosticus

and that is, it's a reference to rosary beads. So it's like if you can imagine these compartments are on one big rosary bead and they go round and round and people, you get in and jump out, they don't stop, you have to time it right. Do they go between floors? Yes. How do you not decapitate yourself?

Because you're careful. What? Sounds like a health and safety nightmare. That's a health and safetyitate yourself? Because you're careful. What? It sounds like a health and safety nightmare. That's a health and safety. That isn't health and safety. Are you sure you're in the lift and not the dumb waiter or something? I don't know. I mean, presumably they still exist.

Anyway, I was at Birmingham Polytechnic where they were a regular thing. And I'd gone in one day accidentally I got in the wrong paternoster so instead of getting up the one getting down I got in the one going up and I was on the top floor anyway so I went up into the machinery it was like a weird thing there was like all big you know cogs and stuff and then I shuffled across and came down the other side. So I thought it was quite a lark. So a couple of weeks later, a girl, who I quite fancied, got in with me, and I held her in. She said, no, we have to get out, this is the last floor, and I held her in as a joke.

Uh-oh. And we went into the top, into the machinery. She was having a complete panic attack, and then it stopped. Uh-oh. I think the weight of two people was a little bit too much for the cogs. So we were stopped in complete darkness. And she had a proper panic attack.

She was punching my chest like that. And I remember shouting, Why have you done this yeah and i couldn't come up with a good answer to that uh mainly because um i couldn't get any air into my lungs because my chest was being punched ferociously and we had to wait for uh you know to be released and stuff so um it can go very wrong and And also, the ones you get in the paper, you know, the spaghetti trees and stuff.

If you've got any Paternoster-related practical jokes, text 8-12-15. Or just anyone who can back me up that they exist. I've got to Google that when I go home. Don't make up a Paternoster. I've never heard of a paternoster.

You might. You are very inventive. It's not my fault there's a hole in your knowledge, Zoe. Dear Lord, that's a dear one. A paternoster-shaped hole, evidently. There was a not a very good April Fool's on the Doctor Who websites. Oh, yeah. It said that, Did anyone believe this? It said that Peter Capaldi had been sacked

because he'd punched a Dalek in... Yeah, but it says, in the eye stalk. I doubt if anybody fell for that. I'm glad it existed in a way. Yeah. But, no, not good enough. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I think we should come back to April Fool's Uno Momento, but before that, we've got to deal with Paternoster Watch, because you said, if Paternosters do exist, let us know, and the switchboard's gone crazy. Well, I know they exist. Switchboard's gone crazy.

Sally Lyons more or less called me a liar. I have never heard of one. Just off the top of my head, George from Leicester Uni, there was a Paternoster, and they used to dare each other to go over the top. Hi, Frank, there's a Paternoster lift in Sheffield Uni. I've also been in the forbidden roof space. I went to Birmingham Poly, 85 to 19, was held at the ground floor.

It then switched off when we went underneath in pitch black. It was 8pm, so it took a while to find a caretaker to turn up. That is the self-same Paternoster. Is it really? Yeah, Birmingham Poly. Maybe Paternosters are a Birmingham phenomenon. There was one in the Muirhead Tower at Birmingham Uni. Is that what you mean?

Is that a different one? Well, I don't know if it's called the Muirhead Tower. It's Goster Green. I did the giant cog journey over the top most weeks from Isabelle in New Cross. You say so? You thought I'd made it up. Perhaps my favourite one, Frank,

I knew a girl at school in the 90s called Sarah Paternoster. Hope that helps. No praise for the show. P.S. On absolute 90s, I still know her. I like that. That's good. That's good. That's good.

Are they now out of circulation, though, now, Paternoster? Have they gone? Have I missed my opportunity? Well, no, apparently. Chris they now out of circulation, though, now, Paternoster? Have they gone? Have I missed my opportunity? Well, no, apparently. Chris from Worthing tells us, Frank, shame on your co-hosts for their lack of Paternoster awareness. Strike them from the pub quiz team. Plus, behind the carpet Paternoster in any B&Q is the best place to take a nap if you're an employee there.

There's a carpet Paternoster? Carpet Paternoster. Just simply for moving carpets? Apparently so. Or it's carpeted. For a covered map. I love a carpeted lift. Oh, yeah.

On the walls. Yeah, on the walls. It's brilliant. Oh, it'd be great. Rub on the lift walls. If the building collapsed, you wouldn't even know. No. You could be any side up and you'd still have carpet underfoot.

So, yes. There's someone who sell them. They're called a paternoster merchant. As opposed to a patern merchant, what we are called, of course. Indeed. What ever happened to death pranks? Death pranks? There always used to be a celebrity who died at school.

Diana Ross was dead for years. Yeah, yeah. Secretly dead. I think they happen on the social media now. The girl from Aqua. Somebody has to put the brakes on them. Remember the girl from Aqua? She died.

She didn't, but she died in folklore. Yeah. Paul McCartney? Yeah. I mean, I suppose you could say almost anyone. Oh, no, but there was a few that were... Paul McCartney was based on the fact that everyone else had got a brass instrument

on Sgt Pepper's and he'd got a black one. Oh. That's a sign of bereavement. And also on Abbey Road, they all had shoes on crossing the zebra crossing, but he was barefoot. Like one would be buried. Oh, OK. Yeah, zombies are generally barefoot, aren't they?

Yeah, I don't know if they turn up for photo shoots quite so much as we might think. Or use zebra crossings. Yeah, you'd think you'd be a bit more reckless. A cavalier road crosser, yeah. If he was dead already, you'd be ambling across the M5. Probably one of them that you ate on your driving test,

didn't you? Just a zombie. Come to think of it, the entrails did come out all over the body. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Probably the best April

4 is that Perrie Edwards had told Zayn Malik that she was going to leave Little Mix when he left One Direction. And then she went, no, not really. Leave Little Mix? Do you think I'm mental? They're massive. That's like the pop equivalent of You Hang Up First, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like the pop equivalent of Sid and Nancy. Yeah, it is, really, yes. The failed suicide pact. I don't know if that was a suicide pact in the end, but it's a better story than what it could be. We've got one text just to bring closure to Paternoster Watch. I once got pate nostrils when my pal shoved a cracker in my face during a drunk buffet.

I was smelling liver for months from Big Al Binko in Brighton. I've deleted a little bit of praise there for the show. Thanks for that. It's a lovely story, though. Yeah, it's a good story. Smashing. Zoe, what's happening? I've had a pretty good

week this week. I had an interview this week. I was, um, not an interview. Fallback plan. Yeah, fallback plan. What an interview, like a job interview, right? Almost like a job interview. And, um,

I, um, I'm going to do a little bit of volunteering work, and for that you need to go along and have a little interview. She's so good-hearted. I've got an awful lot of spare time.'s what he's gonna say love to share no i'm very much available so i thought i would share my resources around and i thought i'd try and do a little bit of volunteer work which i think is a good thing to do i think it's a good thing to do in a little way so um i went along.

And you have to have an interview, obviously, because they can't just take anybody. They pretty much do, but they do have to interview first. And it was the first interview I realised I'd had for about, probably about 20 years. Yeah. 20 years. And this was a no-pressure interview.

You know, it wasn't for a job. Did you have to dress smartly? I brushed my hair. Yeah, over to the side. Sort of think... Phil Oakey style. No, think more Bart Simpson on a Sunday. Sunday hair. Sunday Bart Simpson hair.

And because I hadn't had an interview for so long and it was no pressure there was absolutely no pressure here at all, I reacted really oddly, though. It was really odd. They asked me a question about my hobbies and I thought I might just burst into tears.

I don't know why I felt like that. They went, what do you like to do in your spare time? I went, I really like to do a bit of running. Oh, no! I like skiing, but I don't know whether that would be appropriate. Volunteering, I just please... I thought you were supposed... Remember when you didn't'll be appropriate for volunteering. I just, please, I need a minute. Remember when you didn't have any?

Well, I never had any hobbies, so whenever I got asked, it was always walking and watching films. Talking, walking, breathing. I learned, when I got a bit older, instead of films, I took the S off the end. Films. Because films sounds much more sophisticated Yeah Than films Yeah

I like films I like film Yeah Oh dear Any sort of film I know yeah Did you get the non-fide job? I think so

You haven't heard yet? Oh dear I haven't heard yet You have to have a police check and all of that stuff Oh yes You know I don't think I've done anything wrong But my memories

My memory's not so good, you know? Who knows? A couple of blackouts over the years could jeopardise everything, couldn't it? My dad always used to say that if anybody got murdered on his route back from the pub, he'd never be 100% sure he hadn't done it. There's always that niggling doubt, isn't it? I'm hoping he never said that in an interview. I don't suppose he ever did an interview. But the thing that struck me was how easy it is to say really inappropriate things in interviews.

Because I know we bang on about, you know, teaching kids how to do interviews for jobs and stuff these days. And, you know, come on, just sell yourself. But actually, when you're put in that situation, I completely melt down. And I'm used to talking to people. I'm used to being on the stage. I'm really, really bad in interviews.

I've got to discover this. I'm properly bad in interviews. Well, you probably never need to do one again, so don't worry about it. Do you reckon? That's the joy, isn't it, of stand-up? I did one for a job, and there was just me and one other guy in the room.

And he was a bit like this, with glasses. And I thought, I i said so where are you from and he honestly said well you know wherever i hang my hat oh no and i was so appalled i said what hat and he said no it's like a this is like a it's like a song. And I made him explain it to me, even though I knew exactly what he meant. But he got the job. You were interviewing him? No, no, we were both waiting to be interviewed. But he got the job over me.

What does that tell you about life? You had a better imaginary hat. Yes. Yeah, I think I had a plumed fedora. No, you'll never get it with that. You were going up for Jobs' hat models, weren't you? Oh, yeah. Did I not mention that? Oh, God. I'm terrible at anecdotes.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I might sign up for some voluntary work and just deliberately mess up the interviews now it sounds like quite good fun I always dream I've got things like I'm usually on a college course

and stuff like that and I haven't been turning up to I have that dream a lot of missing things like I've got a job and then I think why... I have that dream a lot. What, of missing things? Like I've got a job, or I've got a job that, like... And then I think, why am I doing this job when I've got my glittering career? I had a casting this week.

That's very stressful. Yeah, that can be stressful. How does that go? I don't know yet. You know, you have to go and you have to learn lines and... They ask about your hobbies. In any way. I know you have to go and you have to learn lines. Did they ask about your hobbies? In any way? I think they have to check that now.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, Gandhi the Musical. Is it? Yeah. You'd be brilliant in that. Yeah, I had to go in and sing. Gandhi, baby.

That's the opening bit. Yeah. High register, though, isn't it? Gandy. Can you come out tonight? No, I'm on hunger strike. They're asking him out for a meal. Is that what they're...

Exactly. I'd hope at Gandy the Musical that they have big white curtains that went up at the beginning of the show, like a sort of toga. That'd be quite... What, to reveal an enormous bare bottom? That would get my vote.

Yeah, I don't know how it went, really. As you say, it's quite a high... My falsetto was indifferent. The Guardian. That's the look, though. That's the look. Thanks. I had a Viva when I was at university.

Are you aware of a Viva? Yeah. Not a Vauxhall Viva. No. If the exam is... If you're borderline. If you're borderline, you go into like a verbal discussion of what you've written. What you actually meant.

To see if you can talk them over. Decipher what you were trying to write in crayon. And I was, well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but there was a bit in this book about an astronomer who'd gone mad and he said the guy who's like the expert was interviewing me and the thing is you suggest that he longed for

power over the planets and of course he does and he just comes upon it. I said well no he does. And he said well I can't tell you no he doesn't. And I no, he does. And he said, well, I can't tell you no, he doesn't. And I said, well, he does. And he said, well, should we get the book and have a look? I said, OK.

So we got the book and had a look. And this other guy was with him. He said, oh, no, no, he's right. He does. And it was one of those, I was right, but I knew it wasn't a good right to be. So I failed that. Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, so the secret in life is to not always be right. But that day I thought, no, no, I'm going to be a bit of a git for the rest of my life. And I've stopped with that, Zoe. No, it's working. Thank you very much. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran

and Zoe Lyons You can text us on 81215 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website What have we established this morning by text? That Paternostas exist? Paternostas do exist, yes. And

I think that might be about it. Okay, but that's something. Yeah. That's nearing off it. We did have a text earlier that I didn't bring to your attention. You mentioned that you'd had some strange-shaped bread. Hi, Frank and staff.

I found a blue plaster in a loaf of fresh bread, just cut past it and carried on with the loaf from John. That could have been off a premiership footballer. You know that tape that you see with them on their... Hi-vis tape. ...holding their muscle. I don't think it's for hi-vis. It's the case when he drives onto the pitch.

They don't want to get run into. Well, not unless you're taking your driving test again. Oh, yes't think it's for high-phases. No, it's not. It's for the drives onto the pitch. They'd only get run into. Well, not unless you're taking your driving test again. Oh, yes. And it's all gone horribly wrong. Yeah, that stuff. That stuff that holds your muscles together. Yeah, that sounds good, that, doesn't it? It's like an ectoskeleton. You are.

We've also had a text from Reader195. My mum thinks you've got a fantastic smile, Frank. She says your nose crinkles and it touches her foolish heart. My mum is 55, by the way. Oh, that's lovely. I'm really glad I touched your nose. You're listening to Absolute Flattery. Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds great. I think when we get to our age, we can share the odd compliment. Oh, that's nice. And also proves I don't have Botox, of course. No. No. No. Not on your nose, anyway. Don't people have it all over?

Yes, you can have it... You can have it... In your nose? You can have it... Can you have it in other body parts? Can you get rid of bingo wings with Botox? I hope you can have it in your Botox, because Botox in the Botox.

I know, I know, it's serious. Seems right to me. Anyway, we have a running theme on this show, Zoe, which you might not be familiar with, and that is the fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has got a cat. Something of a friend of the show, really, isn't it? It's featured about three or four times on our show, this thing.

There was a picture of it using an iPad, I remember, on one occasion. Yes. And he claimed it actually could operate an iPad. But he's an eccentric character. I think Karl Lagerkahn's collar's too tight. Karl Lagerlaut. Karl Lagerkahn, I like to call him. OK.

Yeah. Yes, he's a man who, he likes a clasp. He likes a very high collar, but he's quite... No disrespect, but he's in his 80s now, and I fear that... Is he really? Yes, he's 80, 81. I fear if he ever took the collar off, his head would just sort of roll over like a slinky.

Perhaps he's got my papyrus throat. I've got a dewlap developing. Perhaps I think he's keeping the whole throat tethered. The whole thing up. Yeah. I might get a Diamante clasp. developing. Perhaps I think he's keeping the whole throat tethered. I might get a Diamante clasp. Yeah, it could go with your wrists, your leather wrist. Oh, you've got the whole outfit there.

Oh, God, this has been like the accessories catalogue. Neck scaffold. You are going to look a picture this time next week. But a picture of what? Yeah, Lagerkant's collar is less of an accessory, more of a scaffold, I feel. I think it's essential as opposed to accessoire.

But what about Chopette? I was reading about his over-pampered putty this week. It is incredible. The cat has earned about three million euro in the last couple of years doing a couple of advertising campaigns. Is that morally acceptable? Absolutely. If I had a cat that could do that, she'd be out there every day couple of years doing a couple of advertising campaigns is that morally acceptable absolutely if i had a cat that could do that she'd be out there every day bringing in the bringing in the

i have to say i once did a uh i did a corporate gig personal appearance with red romp oh yeah that's an odd green room conversation prior to the show isn't it exactly more straw thank you. It wouldn't be the first time I'd co-ridden my co-host in the dressing room. Anyway, Terry Wogan's listening. Hello.

But I did wonder, because I think he got quite a lot of money for a personal appearance, Red Rom. Red Rom. Horses, once you get the colour right, they look pretty much the same, don't they? And I thought, well, if they've got a stables, you'd specialise in that colour horse. You could be doing 10 gigs on the same night. Yeah.

Well, yeah. They don't look the same. They don't all look... They look pretty much... They'd notice if you rocked up with a Shetland pony, wouldn't they? No, no. Red Rom's... Maybe Christmas. Off the telly with a Shetland pony, wouldn't they? No, no. Red roms. Off the telly, he's a lot shorter, isn't he? Christmas when he got desperate when Booking's really kicked in.

With Great Danes going out. Yeah. But you could get away with half a dozen red roms. Oh, yeah. But, um, uh, Chepet is quite a... This is why Carl apparently loves this cat so much. He is unique. No, but that's...

He's not, is he? What he should do is collect cats that look like Chippet and put them all out at the same time, make a fortune. He's a rich man. He doesn't need to. Doesn't need to deceive. She's got sophisticated taste, apparently, the cat. She won't just do any advert.

She won't do cat food advert. He won't let her do food. No. She's too classy for that. Yeah. She's too classy for that. Yeah, she advertised Vauxhall Opals, which... Is that right?

Yeah. They're probably actual opals. Yeah, opals. That were mined in Vauxhall. Yeah, probably. Just next to the Thames there. It has two maids to look after it. That's one of those that's got the easiest job in the world.

Well, both of them. I mean, they're both pretty easy jobs. But the one that is not pulling their weight the world. Well, both of them. I mean, they're both pretty easy jobs. Can you imagine? But the one that is not pulling their weight is having a right old time of it. Can you imagine how much time they spend on the smartphone? Those maids just sitting there. I bet they have to bring a charger to work. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Frank's had too much toast, ladies and gentlemen I really mistimed my run how unprofessional I apologise was it misshapen to Carl's cat never does this

no hey Carl's cat has made like that three million quid just from two different TV advert jobs that is big money and it makes me think if the cat applied itself, it could make even more money.

Like, from what I can gather, that's just being a model on TV adverts, not even the catwalk. Sounds like she'd be a natural at the catwalk. Yeah, and it never does any radio stuff. No. But the catwalk. Yeah. The cat, it's a cat.

Yes, I get it. It's a catwalk. I'm with you. I mean, I just can't understand why a model wouldn't be on the catwalk. Yeah. It's a cat. Yes, I get it. It's a catwalk. I'm with you. I mean, I just can't understand why a model wouldn't be on the catwalk when it is a cat. It's perfect for it. I accept that. You say three million euro like it's a lot of money, but it's pittance compared to Ugly Cat. Why?

What's Ugly Cat? Ugly Cat has made, I think, about $60 million. Yeah, but is it happy? What is Ugly Cat? Ugly Cat is simply that. I mean, I know. It's just a... Is it What is Ugly Cat? Ugly Cat is simply that. I mean, I know. It's just a... And is it a famous Ugly Cat?

Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat. I haven't seen Internet Phenomenons. It's an actual thing. Grumpy Cat. I've certainly seen any of them. I know about Charlie biting a finger,

but that's behind the curve. I went out with a catwalk model. Did you? Did you? Yeah, i really did it feels like it is they got a certain look about them the catwalk model hungry drawn um but she um she was um she won't be listening you know that they don't like them they like them beautiful with a twist if you know what I mean.

So they like them... So from some angles, I would look at her and think, God, she's astonishing. And then other angles, I'd think... Yeah, it's really weird. Just the turn of the head. And that's what they like. They like unusual nowadays.

Oh, right. How about that? But Shoe Pet... Shoe pet is not unusual, is it? It just looks like a cat. It's quite a pretty cat.

Is that Jimmy Chew's cat? Shoe pet. Yeah. Ironically, Karl Lagerfeld is always with shoe pet

near enough, isn't he? Shoe pet is the one thing he doesn't say. Shoe pet. Oh, God. Brilliant.

I feel we're in a deep pit. We're sifting through the litter of jokes. But last year, it earned slightly less than Cara Delevingne. I feel sorry for her now. I feel sorry for beautiful, rich Cara Delevingne. I do. Cara Delevingne, what does she actually spend money on? Eyebrow tints.

Cat food. Well, she doesn't, does she? She gets free. She's down to get free makeup. She gets free makeup. Free clothes. She must get some free clothes. She lives on vapour.

Largely. She steams vegetables and then puts a tail valve around her head and inhales it. I mean, she's spending less on food than the cat. Yeah. So she wins on all the... Well, not on all fours. I mean, she's spending less on food than the cat. So she wins on all well, not on all fours. I fancy the cat on that.

If the pair of them fell off a balcony, the cat would land on his feet, but Cara Delevingne would take ten minutes to land. Like a leaf. We'd be taken by the wind. So she'd be alright. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I went to a screening this week.

Oh, you've been everywhere, haven't you? I have. Elvis Exhibition, Sweeney Todd and the Thunderbird screening. Oh. Which was like, you know was the preview of the show that starts tonight actually on ITV and I was a big fan of

the original Thunderbirds and in fact all those Jerry and Sylvia Anderson puppet shows where are these Zoe? I know you're a young woman but you must have heard of them even now occasionally if I'm driving home from somewhere, I'll get in the car and go, oh, now I am. Which is what Robert the Robot used to say in Fireball XL5. Oh. I find

that very satisfying. I'm going to do it again. Oh, now I am. Which of the Decade stations should that be on? Sixties. Absolute Sixties. Absolute Sixties. That's going to be my big jingle. On absolute Sixties. For drive time. Perfect. On our way home at drive time. God, I've got this

worked out, the Decade channels. And that was the one. You'd have liked it, though. There was a character called Venus in XL5. Right. It was a sort of a sexy blonde Scandinavian. OK, I'm listening.

But she was a scientist. OK, handy. An advanced space scientist who also did all the cooking. Oh, super. She sounds great. Now, that would have been a job interview. Do you cook? I beg your pardon. I'll crack on with building the Hadron Collider

after I've done the hoovering. That sort of thing. She sounds awesome. Different times. I showed my son, Boz, who's nearly three, I showed him an episode of Fireball XL5 recently. Did I tell you this? No.

And he said, I said, what did you think? And he said, it's like a drawing. And I thought, what are you talking about? And he kept saying, it's like a drawing. I couldn't, what he meant was, I realised he'd never seen anything in black and white before. Oh, right. And he was trying to explain that.

It's like an etching. Yeah, that's what he should have said. The fool. And did you watch any of these, Al? Yeah, I remember them. I mean, I don't I don't, like, YouTube them like you seem to, but you know, I remember them. What do you mean, I've got the DVD box?

I like the Thunderbirds. I like the Thunderbirds. Yeah, I like the Thunderbirds. I like the jerky movements of the Thunderbirds. I quite enjoyed those. See, all that's gone now. This is sophisticated modern animation. Is it CGI and all that stuff now? I really liked it. I mean, this is the first episode,

so there's a lot of action in it. I was exhausted after. It's action upon action. It looks fantastic. And I tell you what, Lady Penelope now is pretty hot. Really? I mean, I think it's all right to say this about animated characters.

Yeah, I thought she was quite a good looker as a puppet. Oh, come on. Was she? Yeah. I thought she was a bit Katherine Jenkins as a puppet. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but do you know what I mean? She's got... She had good hair as a puppet.

Again, a bit Katherine Jenkins. OK. Yeah. And do you remember the angels from Captain Scarlet? Harmony Angel, they were like pilot women. They were absolutely fabulous. Harmony Angel, Rhapsody. Did they also do the cooking?

Cacophony. No, I don't think they did. Travers the Angel. Cacophony was..., I don't think they did. Traverse Theatre. Cacophony was... Lynn. Your nickname when you went to the musical theatre. I think it was. But it's an interesting tradition, the fancying of puppets and animated characters.

Because it's the last... It's now one of the last outposts of sexism because you can talk about, you know, fancy that lady Penelope, whereas if it was can talk about, you know, fancy that lady, put her down to pee, whereas if it was an actual film, you'd feel that was morally incorrect. Look at the strings on that. Exactly.

How long have you fancied puppets? How long is a piece of string? Have you ever tuned into womenlargejaw.com? No. That's a different kind of a website. It's for men who like women, well, women,

anyone who likes women with big jaws. Like abnormally big jaws or just a strong jaw. Not like, you know, people who would have been in freak shows in the 19th century.

I mean, people like, um, who's on it? Minnie Driver. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like, I think I can appreciate a larger jaw. Yeah, we used to look it up. Yeah. I think I can appreciate a larger jaw.

Yeah, we used to look it up. Yeah. Look at Will. I don't plug much on this show. But when you do, it's weird. I'm writing that down, Frank. Put womenlargejaw.com. Womenlargejaw.com.

Gina Davis is on there. Okay, yes. Selma Hayek. Yeah. Actually, I do quite like a larger jaw. Well, there you go. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Thank you. There you go. That was my train journey. Aren't you glad you came, Naz? That's going to brighten up my larger jaw. Well, there you go. Oh, OK, thank you. There you go. That was my train journey. Aren't you glad you came now? That's going to brighten up my train journey. Yeah, lovely. It's perfectly respectable. I mean, it's head and shoulders shot.

It's the jaws they're after. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. If I was going to do a website about women with large jaws, I don't know if I'd call it womenlargejaw.com. Couldn't they have come up with something better than that? Well, even the syntax is wrong. Surely it should be largejawedwomen.com.

But it's not large, it's not even jawed, it's just jaw. Women large jaw. It's just a bloke just putting down basic, it's what you'd Google it under. Yeah. Yeah. Wonkyelbow.com. I don't know what that would be.

There you go. I've discovered a new pleasure. And it's... And relax. Is it daytime? Is daytime pleasure? I can broadcast this. I want to share it with you.

I thought you said, is it daytime? The new pleasure. Oh, are you nocturnal? Very much like a chinchilla. I just sit amongst shredded newspaper at home in the dark. Oh, lovely. People go, what is it? Is it a hamster? Is it a rat? I've discovered the pleasure of actually using coupons when shopping.

This is a new pleasure I've discovered. Do people still do that? Yes, and it's coming back with a vengeance. And it's... My other half, bless her, she's very good. She's quite frugal. And she will keep coupons when we go shopping and you get, you know, you get your little coupons or three quid off your next shop. And she always

puts in a drawer. A drawer. And I haven't used them. A coupon drawer. A coupon drawer. There must be other stuff in the coupon. There are keys that we no longer know what they're for, with odd key rings on, some plasters and some chalk. Don't ask. But recently I have started remembering the coupon,

because that's the first thing with a coupon, you've got to remember that you've got it. And I've started remembering to take the coupons to the shop, and I can't tell you what a buzz I'm getting from it. Oh, please do. I got five quid off me shopping the other day. Five quid, practically free. You know, I just wanted to punch the screen,

the self-service screen in delight. It's brilliant. A lot of people are doing it. There was a woman in the news this week, Jennifer Drew, she estimates she has made savings of over £17,000 in three years just by using coupons. Brilliant. I mean, she's bought a lot of stuff she doesn't need.

She's got 52 tubes of lotion and tons of nappies. I don't even know if she's got a kid, but there you go. I think she's got a child, but not of nappy age anymore. That's the bit that I find... Yeah, but you can wear them like pants. Yeah. I mean, I do for long drives. Also, they keep.

Clean the floor with them. Grandchildren. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do for long drives. Also, they keep. Yeah. Clean the floor with them. Grandchildren. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad of that. Also, people love a retro nappy. Yeah.

A retro nappy. Yeah, they do. Well, I, um, I don't know. Even when I was completely broke, I could never be bothered to use, actually going with a coupon. I'd rather eat tree bark. I don't take them to...

Right, if you're using a self-checkout, you don't have to... Nobody has to know you're using a coupon. What do you do? You just have to swipe them. Oh, you can scan them. You can scan your coupons. And then nobody need know you're being... See, I use the online coupon. I occasionally, when I'm in the middle of booking a hotel, I'll open another tab

and just Google that particular hotel's name and discount code or something. Really? Did it yesterday, 30 seconds work, got a fiver off my hotel. I mean, if I could do that every 30 seconds for an hour, that would be quite a big saving, wouldn't it? Yeah, but it wants to do that. Probably do like three less gigs a year. Me. Five quid in 30 seconds, Frank. I was in a major high street chemist named after footwear. Oh, yeah.

And I went up and I bought, was it shampoo I bought? And the woman said to me, we've got to buy one, get one free on this. I said, what do you mean she said you can have another one for the same price i said i only want one she looked at me like i'd got a death to all skinheads tattoo on my forehead you know that you know that look she was pro the skinhead look she gave you that was just i didn't know why would the skinhead that was the look she gave you I did know a man

why would a skinhead be buying shampoo I actually knew a bloke who had death to all skinheads tattooed on his forehead and he got some stares I'll bet yeah I only wanted one what shampoo do you need it's not perishable is it

I've turned down the odds buy one get one free on perishable food stuff because I think it's a waste of food if you have it and then you don't eat it. But you could have just popped the shampoo in your bag and put it in a downstairs cupboard or something. I got lamb chops the other week. Twelve. Twelve in a box. What? I mean, it's twelve.

Yeah. That's a serving for two in my household. Yeah, especially once the seagulls have been. Yeah, but my girlfriend wouldn't eat a lamb chop, so basically the last five, oh, to get those down. I was, it was like, we only drink tequila. I was having salt, lamb chop, and then biting a lime. It's killing me, honestly.

How much stuff do people need? I know you're all thinking it's all right with your money, but I tell you, when I was completely destitute, I still never touched a coupon. I think you're missing out. It's a real buzz. Back then, your priorities were different, though, weren't they? Yeah, if they'd had them at Threshers, it would have been different.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Now, can I ask you two a question? This is sort of a survey. When's the last time you had hiccups? Oh, I get them, I get them, yeah, when I bolt my food down a bit. I have to... So in the last month, say, would you have had them?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, probably last month, say, would you have had them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, probably last six weeks, I would say. Exactly. Now, when's the last time I had hiccups? I can't answer that. That's the phony. I mean, I'm a big fan, but I just don't know. Thanks, I appreciate that, at least. Well, I haven't had them for

twelve months. What? Okay. Have you been checking your diary? Well, I haven't had them for 12 months. What? OK. Have you been checking your diary? Well, I just... Exactly. You know, I find them really annoying. Oh, yeah? And, you know, they've just gone away completely.

You've just chosen not to have them anymore? No, they just haven't happened. And this week, I did that, really eating something, and I thought, oh, this is a definite hiccup. And it just sort of went, oh. And then it went that was it and I thought it's really weird that hiccups have gone out of my life completely and then I had a thought now bear with me you may remember I've talked about this on the show but um it's probably been about 12 months ago now. I was in a second-hand shop in Birmingham and I saw a medallion of Pope Pius XII.

Remember her? And so I bought it. Now, Pope Pius XII, I don't know how good you are on popes. He was pope during Second World War. OK. It's not my first subject, but I'll believe you. Okay. I mean, you know, you argued with me on Pater Nostus.

This one there, trust me. Don't think I did. And I think since I've been wearing the Pius XII medallion, I haven't had hiccups. Wow. Now, you might think, well, what's that? But hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. But Pope Pius Xii died of um heart failure

partly weakened by an incredibly long bout i mean i'm like a over a year's worth of hiccups what he was the hiccup pope wow so he really called the hiccup pope but he was he's called hitler's pope which is i know it's got more of a ring to it, but the Catholics don't like it as much. They'd rather be associated with indigestion than fascism. I know that might be hard to believe. But since I've been wearing the Pius XII, a man who had hiccups for many, many years,

hiccups have gone out of my life. So has this XII oppressed your hiccups? Well, I suppose any pope has got a... Is he an oppressive 12th? Yeah. Yes, I think he might have. I think, basically, I've been party to a hiccup. It's a small miracle.

Hiccups-based miracle. It'd be more of a miracle if the next time you have hiccups, you hiccup just a loaf of bread and some fish as well. Well, it's Easter. We'll see what happens. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I understand Pius XII is currently up for sainthood canonisation.

And, you know, they need miracles to prove it. So do you think I should go forward? Is that what happens? Is it like... You have to prove at least two miracles. Like a big magic competition, and if they get it, they get... It's a bit like... It is a bit like that. No, it's good, isn't it? I didn't know that was the system. I'd let him know.

What if I turned it round with my no hiccups thing? That's good. That's a bit spooky. He must have been... I might phone Arthur know. What if I turned it round with my no hiccups thing? That's good. That's a bit spooky. He must have been... I might phone Arthur C. Clarke. Does Arthur C. Clarke still do his show? I think so. All the good stuff's going off telly, isn't it?

Yeah. First Top Gear, now this. So anyway, Zoe, thank you so much for joining us this morning. It's always lovely to see you. I hope all our readers have a smashing Easter. I don't know what constitutes a smashing Easter in most people's houses. Chocolate? Breaking an egg, yeah.

Yeah, a bit of egg. Bacon and egg, you say? That's every weekend for me. So, yeah, thank you for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.