The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pepperccino

Episode Date: September 21, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has had a moral dilemma and has been to Hull on his tour. The team also debate the difference between cottage and shepherd's pie and are looking for the best email sign offs.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, it's me on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show at 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's just I used to have a big, you know, TV chat show called The Frank Skinner Show. Yeah. So, you know, that's all I'm saying. Are you mooting the possibility

that we should christen this show a different thing? No, no. Oh, come on. I'm a bit of lemon over here. Yeah. It reminds me when I went to the Grand Old Opry in Glasgow. It's a bit like that. Oh, that must have been nice.

Frank Skinner is hosting The One Show. This was actually an old tweet from last week. But I'm just wondering if when you do that, you say, is it called The One Show? No, well, we had quite a debate at the beginning about how much I don't like the theme tune of The One Show. Why not? Well, because...

Imagine, would you have had the nerve to go to the producers of The One Show of the one show why not well because one imagine would you have had the nerve to go to the producers of the one show and said yes I've finished that song you wanted for the one show

here it is one da da da da one da da da da blaring trumpets one that's it

yeah no how do they wrap it up also the woman's quite screechy who what woman the woman who sings one

yeah I think it's a communal voice isn't it okay is that chorus yeah maybe it's a Spanish mother calling her

child back in for dinner Juan da da da da anyway oh here Frankie Howard part work Anyway. Oh, here. Frankie Howard. Part work alert.

You know, I'm a big fan of the part work. Yes, darling. For new readers, I recently purchased part one. Part ones of part works is one of my great collecting things because they're all 99p before they then zoom up to whatever it is a tenner but i bought um build your own build your own x-wing recently just the first part um which we established was not for uh your old girlfriends um no exactly no very fine but i I did I worked out it would cost I found out it would cost

£950 to build in its entirety but I saw a new one the advert starts and the voice says

learn the art of quilting with Peter Rabbit I thought come on in 99p first part

you'll get a needle I should think, some cotton. Yeah. It's a start, isn't it? The irony is there is a character, I think, called Cottontail. Cottontail, there is Cottontail. That's what they should have gone for as the masthead. I was always a Tiggy Winkle fan myself.

I've heard that. Nevertheless. Wow. So, first link. Oh, I had a... No. You're right, I'm turning into Frankie. Oh, no.

I had a moral dilemma last weekend. Oh, come around. I had three possible... We know how these end up. I had three possible events I could attend. Oh, yeah. Fulham versus West Bromwich Albion. Yeah.

Not that far. You know, so that, to me, that was an away game. It's much nearer than a home game. A screening at the BFI from the Doctor Who classic series. And I would have met for the first time Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant. Lovely. The sixth Doctor and his assistant. Oh, we knew that.

Of course. Purple, Green, Leanne Brown. And also, and the other one was a kid's picnic. Guess which one I went to. Kid's picnic? Yeah, of course. I mean, this is what happens, isn't it? And I thought, well, you know,

I've missed out on these other two things, but I would have liked to have met, you know, Perry and the sixth doctor, but hey. So I thought I've done the good deed. I had a nice day at the picnic as it turned out, but it meant I went home with the warm glow. I got home and the first thing I did when I walked in the house was fall down the stairs.

Oh, no. Oh, no, you had one of your fours. Oh, man. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? It's really horrible because it's like falling over. Oh, I actually can't bear it. Because I fell over with her and then I slid down the stairs and there's like a second where you're thinking,

will this ever stop? Will I ever stop sliding? Also stop may i point something out about your stairs which i'm sure you need no reminder of they do curve round they do did you fall into the curve um i actually felt i fell post curve but i told someone about this i mean it was really it's a bit like I fell and then, you know, when bullies used to stand either side of you

in the corridor and all sort of punch you as you went past, that's what the stairs were doing to me as I went down. Now you know how we felt. Yeah, exactly.

I wish, looking back, I'd see it all come back to me. Oh, that's a lot of stairs, I'd say. It was horrible, actually. I lie on the stairs and Kath ran out and I said, don't'd say. It was horrible, actually. I lie on the stairs and Kath ran out and I said, don't touch me, don't touch me and I just lie on the stairs.

I got winded from behind. Yeah. I didn't even know that was possible. Oh, yeah. Oh, fine. It's now going to be the title of my memoir. Winded from behind. Yeah, but I lay there and I thought, have I broken my back? You might want to see what other memoirs are going to market

at the same time in case there's a few of us with that title. But while I was still lying there, I was thinking, you know, I need to change my life. It's a real sort of like a big moment. There's no time for contemplation straight after a fall. But the irony... It makes everything poetic. I must move on because I think the producer is getting outraged.

That's what Kath said when you fell down the stairs. Yes. More. Honestly, it was horrible. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so that was, it was a terrible thing, the falling down the stairs. You feel shaken, don't you? Post-fall.

Really? I've still got, I think I've, you know when you get a really hard... You hurt your coccyx as well. Yeah, I miss, but I miss that bit. I sort of went, it hit the kidneys, you see. So it was like a big kidney punch. Listen, I've got to tell you this. I have many, I've had,

I have many gifts arrive on this show. I've had some real beauties. The way you said that, you sounded like Omar Sharif or something. I have many gifts arrive on this show. What's had some real beauties over here. The way you said that, you sounded like Omar Sharif or something. I have many gifts arrive on this show. What's the thing they use on the youth on the network thing? Gift?

Hashtag gift something. Hashtag gifted, yeah. Oh, do they? Hashtag gifted. I mean, this morning the readers have utterly excelled themselves. Right. Your cups are running over.

They are, yes. Leave it. Yes, all right when they say it. Yeah, leave it. So, I'm just reaching across. A man has drawn for me, and I'm going to tell you his name. He's called John. John? John. John?

John. I think that might be all I've got. And John has done a drawing. Oh, no, I've got one here. John Hadnam. Oh. He has done a drawing, an amazing drawing of me as captain of West Bromwich Albion.

Uh-huh. And it's a team shot, and the team is of my heroes. Wow. So it's mainly the doctors from Doctor Who. Right. Behind me, all in West Brom kit. Marky Smith, I think, is also there. But the front row, from left to right,

George Formby, Muhammad Ali, me, Elvis and John Wayne. Good lineup. But it's really good. That is a spectacular. There's others but I'm going to stagger. I'm going to stagger my gifting today.

What a lovely thing. It is. It's spectacular. Also this week, I was in Hull. Kingston upon Hull. Oh, that's where the producer comes from. It is, yeah. You've been to Hull and back. Yeah, exactly.

Well, I phoned the producer asking her for things. That's lazy. I phoned her for recommendations. What sort of recommendations? So she said... Carvery. No, she said there's a place called... What was it? Filthy Stevens.

Let's leave this. What was it? Thieving Harry's. Thieving Harry's, yes, which was very nice, I must say. I'd recommend it if you're in Hull. But there was two guys in there sitting next to us. And it was me, my... Who's asked, please? My tour manager,

Omar, and Pierre, my support act. So we were sitting, ready for me, and there was these two guys, and they were going... Got really excited about something. And this one said... I'm going to try the accent, Sarah, forgive me. He said, stick around, there's going to be a really funny thing in a minute. He one, I'm going to try the accent, Sarah, forgive me. Go on. He said, stick around,

there's going to be a really funny thing in a minute. He said, if you want to see the angriest man in the world, stick around,

this will be brilliant. And I said, what's happening? He said, look at this. And he tipped a pot of pepper into a cup of cappuccino

and then mixed it all up. He said, my dad's coming in a minute. He said, he's like angriest man in the world. Stick her out for this. So he really, really built it up. And they were sitting. They'd sit for a bit

and then they'd go... Just in anticipation of dad turning. We were getting anxious. I mean, he really put a lot of pepper in. It was... So did the Dad turn up? More after this. I can't wait.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, where were we? I feel we left us on tenterhooks. It was a cliffhanger, wasn't it? Yes, so these guys said, stick around, is what they said. Stick around. What on earth was that noise?

That's Frank's. It'll be Frank's phone. There's some weird Doctor Who noise on it. Oh, sorry. You can always hear, there's like the TARDIS or some alien or something. Sorry. The TARDIS.

That was completely, that's the least professional thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, come, come. I've had a news alert about Tom Watson in the middle of an anecdote. What was it? I'm glad it's about Tom Watson. I thought something had happened to one of the doctors. He shot down people in a McDonald's.

Hank. I didn't see that coming. Hank, stop it. That's me. That's the biggest news story ever. Well, I was going to say, it makes a change to your usual news alerts. A Cyberman got divorced.

It would be a shock, though, because Tom Watson's lost weight. You wouldn't think he'd be in a McDonald's. Yeah. Anyway. Right. a shot though because Tom Watson's lost weight you wouldn't think he'd be in a McDonald's yeah anyway right so these guys are saying stick around

was what they said stick around we should say in case people are just joining us because this is a great beginning to an anecdote I have to say

Al what happened some mischievous people sat near Frank have filled a cappuccino full of pepper. Yes, for their dad. Stick around if you want to see a man get very angry. Oh, and it's in Hull?

Yeah, it's in Hull, yeah. Which I'm told that's not a great Hull accent, but give me a break. Yeah. I mean, it's the North, that accent, you know. So anyway... He's not practised it as much as he has his Margaret Thatcher that he unveiled

during the week so anyway he arrives the guy he's one of their dads I think he was a big strong looking

he looked like a man who could could handle himself yeah could handle could if he'd have got I'd be keen

because we were sort of trapped in a corner behind the pepper cappuccino let's call it the of trapped in a corner behind the pepper cappuccino. Let's call it the peppuccino. Oh, I like the pepper cappuccino, though. And I thought, if he does become violent, we'll be very close. We'll be ringside seats,

more ringside than I would like. Anyway, he arrived and he was very... No, all right. There was no hogging. No. What were you expecting? Do you want to go to therapy together? And the guys went into, you know, local rep mode.

We've got you some, we've got you a coffee, Dad. You know, very straight. Anyway, he had a big man-sized swig. How were you feeling when he took the swig? I could feel the pulses in my throat. You know those pulses? There's like a heartbeat that happens in your throat. You know that one?

Yeah. I could feel that. And he said, he took a big swig, he put it down, and he said, there's pepper in that. And it wasn't at all, you know, stick around if you want to see. They should have said stick around if you want to see some genuine northern melancholy. Because he said to me, he turned to me and he said, do you think that's a nice thing to do to a man my age?

Still working? Still working. I mean, it was like some, you know, socialist tract. Brilliant. It's all kind of a bit Arthur Miller play. Yeah, and so one of them said, I'll get you another coffee, sir.

It was so... Do you know, it started off French Fosse, and then it went Samuel Beckett. Yeah, exactly. Alan Bleasdale by the end, to me. The build-up had been so like a festival. You know, it was like the opening of The One Show. Oh.

Pepper, da-da-da-da, pepper, da-da-da-da. And then at the end, yeah, and he just sort of got pepper in it. Still working. I mean, it's the poignancy. That's the thing. It was post comma the sentence

so what did he say man my age still working oh god unless it was man my age full stop and he was directing

that at you as a question I've never felt more back amongst the working classes I would have ousted Tom Watson

there and then. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We actually received a text message about your gig in Hull during the week. No refunds. Good to get that in straight away. Yeah, exactly. But that's not what it's about.

I actually get people out saying, I'm desperate to see Frank and I can't get tickets. And I just, you know, I mean, what can I say? He's a popular man. I don't try and pull any favours for old friends that are trying to get in to see Frank. I think, you know, use the proper channels. Anyway.

Just seen Frank at Hull City Hall and wanted to clear up the medical wristbands the entire audience were wearing. Yes, yeah, I spoke to... There was an older man. Oh, right. And he had what I thought was a hospital wristband. I thought he'd...

I said I was looking for the drip on him. Did you make fun of him? Well, I wouldn't say I made fun of him exactly we spoke about the wristband I meant well yeah oh good but yeah it was something with the toilet

yes the toilets at the venue were being renovated so we were all kindly given special wristbands which allowed us to leave the venue to I'm going to change a word here to use the public toilets across the road from the venue. Have you ever heard of anything so incredibly third world? I hope Frank enjoyed his time in the city of culture.

There are two things about this. One is why do you need a pass to use a public toilet? Good point. And the other one is, as I said at the time, whenever you see anyone with one of those, they were like little, very noticeable wristbands. Whenever I see anyone in London, it means that you can get into the hospitality area

at a Rolling Stones gig or something like that. In whole, it means you can get into a public toilet. And people say there's a north-south divide. I know, I don't understand. Oh, by the way, my tour manager, Omar, I said to him, I mean, I've been feeling sorry for myself for the fall down the stairs, because my kidney's still hurt from the mighty thump they took.

I said, he said... So, sorry, I said, how was your Saturday? I said, I fell down the stairs. It was really, and he laughed. The tour manager? Yeah. And I said, he said, was you doing that thing? And I said, what?

And he'd heard the radio show last week. And I was talking about, as a kid, I had the idea of if I jumped from the bottom stair one day and then went off, he thought I was trying that at home. I have to say... At age 62. I have to say, Omar's thought process has been echoed by a few text messages as well.

Oh, has it? I mean, I have to say, I think the window for me trying that jumping from the top of the stairs has gone in my life. Oh, okay. So other people have thought it wasn't.

It was ironic. Don't punish them for paying attention to you. No. No, I wasn't. I would never punish anyone. So I was,

listen, I was at a hotel in Hull. I won't name it. The Doubletree. And anyway, £ 1.59. Strange post. 1.59.

It goes off and it's the old... I thought it was Pat Sharp, do you think? Alan Carr was in the room next door. He was having a great time. Anyway, it was an alarm, but the alarm did that for a bit and then says please leave one of those and it was terrifying oh don't say you had to leave the building but of course the joy with me is that in in hotels because the duvets in hotels are basically like low-lighting cloud they're never they're nowhere near the toggage I have at home.

I sleep in so many clouds. I just got up, put shoes on and went straight. Oh, do you? Yeah, I was, you know, I already had a thermal top, a T-shirt and a tracksuit top on. Inside the bed? In bed, yeah. What about, oh, really?

They're always, I'm always cold in hotel beds. The duvets are a disgrace. And I'm not singling out Double Tree, which is actually a nice hotel in many aspects, although that was probably the quietest my room had been all night was when the alarm went off. Oh, dear. You know, when you think, oh, that must be the air conditioning,

there was this sound going... Can I play... Am I allowed to play something off my phone that I recorded? Because I had this problem. You know, I moved rooms not long ago as a result of being too close to the bar and I could hear the dishwasher being slammed shut oh and i said i don't i don't

well this was my room i'm going to apply this now i recorded it because i i couldn't i could scarcely believe it frank up against the wall so i recorded i switched off all the aircon and everything so that i knew i took the card out of the power thing, and it was still making this, this was my room, I recorded this, I think, at about 3.40am, I think it was, I could be wrong, but early hours, here we go. I hope you can hear that at home. You can hear it.

I think Kraftwerk had the room upstairs. I was going to say, put a solid beat under that and that's the kind of stuff I drive listening to. And that was really, I mean, incredibly loud. She's our mother and she's looking forward. So that was a lovely restful night. Can I ask what you do in those situations? Well, what I should have done, looking back maybe,

was I should have phoned down. But if you phone down, I mean, if I watch that video, I actually close in on the bedside clock to show what time it is, ready for the conversation I was about to have at reception the next morning. Stanley Kubrick. I want to have a look at this scene. If you phone down then, you've got no chance really. It was three o'clock in the morning.

There won't be an engineer in the building. I'll tell you who you get. You get your nylon waistcoated, bless his heart, the youth. Yeah, exactly. And it's going to be 5am by the time you've settled. So in the end, I put earplugs in, which still sounded like that. Pillow over the head. Hope for the best.

I pulled my tracksuit top off a bit. That's rather cruel. It wasn't there for all. But, Ark, have you ever heard anything like it in all your life? Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Can I say a rather lovely thing happened is both members of the staff sent their parents along to see both the boys.

Oh, is that right? Sarah's parents were sent off. I mean, I say sent off as if they were unwilling to see Frank. And Faye's parents were sent to see Alan in Stratford. I did a gig at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre Good for me Lovely

Meanwhile in Hull Hull truck They got a Hull truck I actually really liked Hull I must say So I did see a man out walking with no shirt on about 7 o'clock at night. Was it a nice day, though? It wasn't that nice.

It's a nice day if you... Filled it up. Yeah. Well, Colette says, Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Lovely. Very nicely. Very polite.

I was just eating some crisps and was wondering, does Frank still have crisps, sandwich and local postcard as his rider on tour i've i've dropped local postcard to be honest i don't have i don't have enough oomph in the business now to get to make those kind of demands can i just say that it sounds like oh i was doing a very good job of sorting out some of your stranger demands well i say well i had one um i had one beef. You sorted out the hotel lovely. On the ride out.

And they were lovely, by the way, the hotel. Can I say? I should say the Doubletree Hotel, the next day, were incredibly apologetic about the brutalist room. Most Alan Partridge thing you've ever said. No, they were, though. They were very, they were, because, you know, sometimes they say, obviously, I'd got a recording, which said. No, they were, though. They were very... Because, you know, sometimes they say...

Obviously, I'd got a recording, which helped. Yeah, yeah, that helped. But sometimes they say, oh, well, could it have been your phone or something? No, they were very good about it. Can I say I used my ingenuity to fix a room last week. I was staying in a pub that had, like, nice... Oh, there's a gastro, like nice, en suite guest rooms.

Yeah, yeah. Lovely. And there was a light in the ceiling. You know these ones where you've turned all the lights off, but there's like a safety light, like a little green bulb, too bright. It was really bright.

And unusually, my wife had come, we were attending a wedding, so we were staying, normally it's just me. Yeah. And I thought, I can't have this. Not when I've, my wife had come we were attending a wedding so we were staying normally it's just me yeah and I thought I can't have this not when I've

not when there's both like with his me I just I just get on with it put two pillows over my head or whatever and I said to her we need something

like have you got a plaster or anything I've chewed some gum wow and then stuck a little bit of the wrapper over the light. Oh, shut up.

I've got photos. Frank recorded it. Wasn't it sizzling? No, no, it was fine. It was absolutely fine. I didn't even complain. I just took it off the following morning. A little top tip for any listeners

who have an ambient lighting hotels problem. If anyone was thinking of, if they spotted Frank or Alan and thought, oh, I'll steal that celebrity's phone don't bother there's nothing to see here I might put some vocals over the sound of my hotel room one this is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Can I just do a quick thank you?

I've already told you about one fabulous gift. I had a gift today which not only was I delighted with, I can honestly say I was genuinely moved by it. This is from Pete, as far as I can tell, and all the team at Designworks, and you will not believe this, but some of you will know I once played Perkins in Doctor Who. Did you? The chief engineer. Have I never brought it up before? I did not know that part of your CV. The Chief Engineer. We lived through that. On the Orient Express in space.

Yeah. And Design Works incredibly have made a figurine, I'm going to call it, of Perkins, which is absolutely, I can't tell you, I don't think I've ever received anything which has given me such a whiz bang. So I'll put a picture of it on our Instagram. It's brilliant.

Really, thank you, a million times over. I mean, it's going to pale somewhat next to the picture of the chewing gum wrapper that I stuck to a light in a hotel. And what was Frank's reaction? He was very impressed. Oh, yeah. Yeah, top end, I think.

He said, that's top end. Top end bit of a bodged light covering. It was very sweet, you two congratulating each other over all your make-do andand-mend hotel business. Yeah, I'd fixed an electric kettle in a... Not the double tree where the kettle was found. The famous Katy Perry song. Yeah.

I... Fixed an electric kettle and I liked it. Can I say in every instance, I found it very sweet because I would always have called the authorities or an authority figure, even if that is a 16-year-old in the nylon hotel blazer. Yeah.

I just don't want to get involved in those shenanigans. I don't want to put my hands in sockets and, you know. For me, it's the idea of repacking in the middle of the night and changing rooms. I know, that was what put me in the craftwork room. Well, you had all your clothes on. You had several outfits worth of... Yeah, but can I tell you something about the craft work room. Well, you had all your clothes on. You had several outfits worth of... Yeah, but can I tell you something about the craft work room?

This is the only moment I've had with... Can I say, they should rename it that. The Craft Work Suite, from now on. I've had... This is my only moment I had with the tour manager, Omar, so far. Is that he's... When I told him about this room and playing him the recording at breakfast,

they were all, God, that's terrible. But then he said, what I did with the key cards, he said, because the rooms are all the same, I just handed them out randomly. I said, so hold on. So that should have been Pierre's room that I was in. And I likened it to when... Omar, can I just say I do apologise?

When Buddy Holly got on the plane that someone else had bought the ticket, the plane that he perished in. He should never have been on that plane. That doesn't sound rather dramatic of you at all. Do you know what, Alan? He said that to Omar as well. I did say that.

Oh, you did, yeah. I also said it's all very odd. Pierre having a good night's sleep. He's doing 20 minutes. I'm say that. Oh, you did, yeah. I also said, it's all for old Pierre having a good night's sleep. He's doing 20 minutes, I'm doing an hour and a half. Good point. Equally, Pierre,

I apologise to you as well. You tell him. I'll tell you. I went on a terrible night. God save your souls. And for what? Anyway. It's all going well.

Apart from that. Omar sorted it all out he didn't wait to be asked he got on with it thank you yes okay you are you've become his defender

what is it with you and Omar you see one pair of pink duck martins and they've won you over instantly Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio by the way it's a quadruple rollover tonight.

What's that? On the lottery. Is it? What's that? What's a little rollover? Quadruple rollover is when someone hasn't won for, what is it, five weeks or something like that, four weeks. Oh, that's nice. What I like about it is a lot more people buy lottery tickets that week. Do you do lottery? No.

But I am fascinated that people think, it's a quadruple rollover, I'll get a ticket this week. Because I wouldn't bother for the normal four. You know, it's not worth it. It's in for like four million. Yeah. But if this is big money, I'm going to have a go at this one. Just bear in mind when you buy those lotto tickets,

it rarely ends well. I'm sorry, it doesn't for the lotto, you know. They do revert to their previous... They've ceased to be celebrity figures, haven't they? In the early days. It's a shame, really, isn't it? Yes. Where are they now? Let's not find out.

We've had some emails in. In the ground. We've had some emails in the ground. We've had some of them. Email? We have had some emails now. Just a quick email Do you want the email corner jingle? If you've still got it, dust it off.

Email. Timing was a bit off. It was good, I thought. Just wanted to communicate the rumours that goalkeeper David James and his partner Nadia are to dance a foxtrot to the tune of Three Lions on Strictly Tonight, Prisoner 561. Yes, I've heard that.

You've heard that rumour? that room i must say we never really wrote it as a as a dance piece well let's see how that goes well it's not a you look wonderful tonight i mean i love that song i don't know if i'd have it as first dance unless i was marrying a footballer i remember um a norwegian um dance with the stars, or whatever it was called, and a footballer doing a sort of keepy-oppy type dance routine. Really? Yeah, that was terrible.

That sounds absolutely awful. Because what will be good about it, it won't be me and Dave singing, it will be their live jazz guys oh football is coming home hey Barry Connick Jr

so many jokes so many tears it's all gonna be that yeah everyone I said everyone needs to know

the score they have seen Everyone, I said everyone needs to know the score. They have seen it all before. Yeah, it's going to be. They're going to murder it. You know what I can't wait for? And I'll be dancing. No, just no. There'll be lots of brass on there.

And I'll be... Ah, ah, ah, dancing. Football is truly coming home. Yeah. David James floundering around like a great porpoise. They'll have... Oh, can you imagine the set-up as well, Frank? There'll be some sort of... They'll have to set it up like,

obviously football themed. You know, when they dress the set, there'll be props akimbo. There'll be, yeah. Some sort of gloves. Do you think they'll get him to do a deliberate, because he was known as Calamity James. Yes. They'll get him to do a deliberately drop the ball thing.

I just don't think. No, I know at the end what will happen. You know when they end up in the final position? What's the end to that song? Get out. I mean, I don't think that'll happen for weeks. No, carry on. Oh, God.

It's not a prediction. It's not Mystic Meg. I mean, we don't do predictions on this show. No. Anyway, I look forward to seeing it. So does he. Yeah. We're on to email two in the corner.

Email two now. Shall I deal with this one now? Can I do the jingle one more time, see if I can get the timing better? Sure. Email. Yeah. That's very... Not much of a gap.

Bassoon? OK, this is from Tim Waterfield. OK. Catching up on the podcasts, I heard Frank speak recently about misheard lyrics in Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy. Let me stop it there. What I don't want anyone to send in is misheard lyrics in Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy. Let me stop it there. What I don't want anyone to send in

is misheard lyrics like, you know, the comedy misheard lyrics. Me ears are alight. Yeah, or, you know, spare him his life for these hot sausages or anything like that. We don't want... That is good.

Yeah. No. We don't want that. No, you want capital two doors down. We're talking about... We're talking about a different... How would you describe these sort of... Shall I...

We need to go to a break here, but... I just want to end on, just to give people an example of what it's like, where in Frank's version, courting letters was an improvement on the original cards and letters. Yes, and this is about when you genuinely mishear a lyric, but the one that you heard was better than the original. Yes. So I honestly thought Glen Campbell said courting letters

from people I don't even know. Yes. Which I think was good because courting suggests he was this bumpkin, which is what it's about, this guy who comes into the big city still using the old terminology and courting letters which from people I don't even know are even more outrageous that they should be so

intimate as strangers it's actually cards and letters which is rather pedestrian Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio we were mid email yes we were if that's okay tim waterfield we were on to um lyrics that you've accidentally improved was the topic i think so this So this was regarding, he cited Rhinestone Cowboy. Yeah. You'd mistaken courting letters,

and you thought that was an improvement on the original cards and letters. Definitely. Tim Waterfield had a similar experience recently, he says, with Aretha Franklin's I Say a Little Prayer. The moment I wake up Before I put on my makeup, it's coming home. Sorry. A little preview of Strictly later for you. Those of you who don't know the song. The second verse

starts, I run for the bus, dear. Do you remember that? Yeah. And to my ears, the next line was, and while running I think of us, dear. That was always... And while running I think of us, dear. Okay. Yeah. This was always one of my favourite lines in any song. The idea that someone is so in love that they even think about them

through the panic of running for a bus. Oh, that's a good point. Very good. I like that. Imagine my dismay when I... You like that. That's good, though, isn't it? Imagine loving someone so much,

you think about when you're running for the bus. That's amazing. At least that would be a bit of time out from the agony of loving someone. Well, that's it. It's the idea that you're so focused on that task, and yet... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Toss. And yet... Oh, dear. Imagine my dismay. No, stop it. Imagine my dismay when I recently discovered that the line is actually, and while riding, I think of us, dear.

So she's actually talking about a situation which is essentially dead time. Yeah. When it would be pretty damning not to think about the other person. Exactly, on a bus you're scratching around for things to think about. You'd hope they'd crop up, the person you're obsessed with. So Tim's interested mainly, I sound like he's on a dating website,

but he would like to meet readers who have other examples So Tim's interested mainly, I sound like he's on a dating website, but he would like to meet readers who have other examples of what he calls the BML, the better misheard lyric. Yes. Great abbreviation as well, Tim. So you're improving it. I mean, we had a debate. Yeah. Well, it wasn't a debate.

You corrected me, in fact, recently. Sounds unlike me. Yeah. It was a fully blown correction. I can't find the jingle. Yeah. Anyway, so, um, this one will do. Around her neck

she wore a yellow ribbon She wore it in the springtime and in the month of May. That's depressing. Yeah, I think we used that when... During the Civil War? No, when Pep Guardiola used to wear a yellow ribbon for Catalonian independence.

That's right. Nevertheless, we were talking about Heart of Glass. Yes. And you said to me that... I'll tell you the lyric. Yeah. Once I'm loving it with a gas. Yeah.

I've... Seemed like the real thing only to find. And then you said... Mucho mistrust. Love's gone behind. Mucho mistrust. What's the next bit?

Love's gone behind. Yes. Mucho mistrust.'s the next bit? Love's gone behind Mucho mistrust Mucho mistrust So a lot of mistrust Love's gone behind Well I've heard that shouted before But I thought it was

Mutual mistrust Not far behind Now that is a better lyric Because mutual mistrust shows the terrible jungle of a new relationship when neither of you can really trust the other and you're so frightened of losing each other that you end up losing each other because of the exhibition of that mistrust. And not far behind, it's always behind, it's hiding in the shadows constantly. Mucho mistrust. Love's gone behind.

Well, I would argue, if you don't mind, that hers is merely an abbreviated form of what you're saying. She's Christmas future. You're Christmas past. But love's gone behind. It means there's no more love anymore as a result of mistrust.

Is she... When she says love's gone behind... Her tenses are all over the shop, don't get me wrong. Yeah. Is she saying that it's like an eclipse? Oh, I see, no. That macho mistrust is the moon moving across the bright light of love. So love's gone behind.

No, I saw it as a lot of mistrust, but Love's Gone. OK. We've got Lizzie has said... I think they might argue it's pop music and we shouldn't scrutinise it as detailed as this. No, but there's no army in improving anything, I always think. What fun were you at three in the morning in the university room?

Not much. He was mending the light. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Alex from Didcot. And we're being quite strict about the better misheard lyric. They've blown up the big chimneys at Didcot. You know those big industrial chimneys? Lovely slim waist, you see.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, about three or four of them went. I just had my photo took with them a few days before, me and Catherine on a walking trip. Did you? I think they've gone. Oh. Not forgotten.

Yeah. Anyway, I did come. They're quite popular, those demolition videos, aren't they? Oh, yes, I think they are. Yeah. I went to see Fred Dibnar live once. It was a man who was a celebrity demolitionist. That's right.

Can you believe that such a man existed? Great job, yeah. He was very good at it, to be fair. Oh, you don't want to be around a bad one. That's a good way to make money. It's a very Hilary Duvet, the sort of waste disposal tycoon. Yeah. What was she, haulage?

She was pallets, wasn't she? She was pallets, yeah. Oh, pallets, lovely. Pallets wanted. But I think in the end she became a... I like an amusement arcade tycoon. That's my favourite. Alex from Didcot says... She became a haulage czar. Or would it be a czarina? A czarina.

I'm undecided on whether it's an improvement, but I've always had the line for Reverend Blue Jeans from the song of the same name as Reverend Blue Jeans. And I still do now, despite knowing otherwise. I thought it was a reference to feeling godlike, strutting it in some tight denim. Reverend Blue Jeans! See, for me, it makes me think of those

slightly tragic Anglican vicars who try to appeal to young people, as they like to call them, and wear jeans. Sometimes they'll wear a leather jacket and have a motorbike, or maybe do a sermon through the medium of a ventriloquist

dummy who's got a capon hairstyle. I'm sensing you don't like those. No. Which is a shame because I think they're quite attractive. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm not thinking of the Reverend Richard Coles. No, I'm talking about the fleabag thing. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not thinking of the Reverend Richard Cole. That's what you're...

No, I'm talking about the fleabag thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a Catholic priest. Now we're talking a bit of class. Different class. No, it's the leather jacket and the jeans mixed with the... I don't know, with the clergy.

I found that pleasing. Yeah. Okay? Okay. Each to his own. We've got a history of discussing the big food stories of the day on this show. And there's been a news story that's gone viral,

if I may say, where a person, a foodie, has put a picture up online of her cottage pie creation, which uses, rather than the traditional mashed potato, and if I may say a sprinkle of cheese, she's gone with... I'd rather you didn't say that. You don't want me to say that?

She's gone with a layer of potato waffles. Waffly versatile. They are. Clearly they are. Again, demonstrated waffles. Waffly versatile. Clearly they are. Again, demonstrated they're waffly versatile. Does that show our age, though? When I say potato, could you ever say bird's eye potato waffles without finishing that? No, impossible.

No. I can't even say it in my own voice. I have to go in that 1920s amplification system. Me too. Bird's eye potato waffles, awfully versatile. This is the happiest I've ever felt on this show. And then there's what they go with, and then there's a list of things they go with.

I mean, that's ridiculous. I might do my dance to that if I ever went on it. Continue. Okay. Well, she's split opinion. The internet, some of the internet, believe it or not, is outraged. Ah, what? I know.

Someone's finally pushed them over the edge. They're normally so mild-mannered and patient. I know it's a place people go for zen. Who'd have thought that this would be the story that made them angry and slightly abusive? I like the look of it. I say I obviously haven't tasted it, but I like the look of it. Really? It doesn't look gross.

It looks like a modern cottage. You can't please all other people, can you? No, but it looks like it's got solar panels on the cottage. Nice! I mean, this weekend of all weekends couldn't be more apposite. You're right. Surely. Good point. She put it on Rate My Plate. Which shouldn't be a food website.

That should be a pottery website, shouldn't it? Oh, I grew up in London, you see. I would have said feet. I think it could be, yeah. Plate for me. Skull operation website. People have got a plate in their heads. Do you know what I did? I interviewed Martin Kemp once.

He's got a metal plate in his head. Has he? And I said, how do you get on at airports and that? And I actually had a proper professional industrial detectorist, metal detector, held it on his head and it went up. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. Oh, that was classy. Yeah, well, it's that kind of show.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. This character that's done the cottage pie with... I might please let its camera action. Exactly. What's this clown doing?

A quiet afternoon on Dagenham High Street until this joker decides he's going to try a so-called three-point turn. I mean, actually, I hate to be a pedant, but that's been changed to a turn in the road now, so it's not a three. You can do it in... Oh, just to see all the people. They don't like targets anymore.

Yeah, exactly. Can I just ask quickly, is it true that they phased out the emergency stop? Oh, I don't know about that. 8, 12, 15. I don't think you can phase out the emergency stop as a driving phenomenon. No, it's not in the driving test anymore.

Really? I think because it's upsetting for people and triggering. Honestly. Oh, my goodness. I think there might be a phase down. Do not get me started. Don't get Al started. You're not allowed to bang.

You still have to get started. They used to slap the dashboard. They did. With a rolled up A to Z, it used to be. It didn't. I remember it well. Unfortunately, I'd already failed an actual emergency stop earlier in my test

when I hit a pedestrian on a zebra crossing about 500 yards from it. No, you did. I did, yeah. Oh my gosh, he did. I've just remembered this. You can't blag your way out of that, it turns out.

But we still did the emergency stop, even though I had clearly... He knew I struggled with it and still he insisted. Sorry, Al. Sorry, Al. We've interrupted you. Oh, no, it's fine.

We were discussing the cottage pie with potato waffles. I have many thoughts on this. Is it on Rate My Plate? So has this person then suggested, hey guys, I'd love you to evaluate this bit of, in inverted commas, cooking. You've got 4,000 likes on Rate My Plate. And some, is the word appropriate?

Appropriate. You've got some of that. Yes, it did. The downward thumb. I'm now starting to wonder if... Lovely, Paul. Do you remember that time I confessed slash boasted on this show

that I had bought a bag of salad and just tipped some anchovies into it in a hotel? Yeah. And I wonder if really rate my plate should have been where I went with that anecdote. Maybe my pie and cheese sandwich should get out right my play. Sounds yum.

The standards seem... I think I'm sure you do pretty well on there. I've got a friend who when in his cups can't be bothered to make like beans on toast will open a can of beans and just pour cold beans onto

a slice of bread unbuttered and just scoop it up and eat that with his hand. I've eaten them so much. And that is Mickey Flanagan. I don't really get the whole waffles. I mean, I don't think I've ever eaten those waffle versatile things. Wow. And on that note, they're really nice.

We go to the news. We've got several conversational plates spinning, one of which is... Rate my plate. Yeah, we should write those plates. Well, someone, Al, has tweeted us with Rate My Plato,

Stephen Burgess, as the idea for a website. And it's a statue of Plato. Thanks, Stephen. Favourite philosophers. Yeah, I love it. You could just have quotes from Plato and write what you think about them.

That sounds good. That would be really good. Great idea. I'm more of a Stoics guy, but I like the sound of what we're doing. You're a Marcus man. Marcus Aurelius. Yeah.

Bit of, yeah. 240. Pinned at the top, you can have the idea that everything exists in this ideal form that we can never attain and we just see the shadows on the cave wall of reality. That could be pinned. If you want to call me baby. Okay, next. Call me baby. Okay, next.

240 has texted because we've been discussing, what's it called? Cottage pie. We make our pies with a layer of collie mash. Cauliflower is strangely everywhere. Steaks, mash, rice, all from collie. Only been brave enough to mash so far. They're finished finished I can't

I can't eat it since the elephant I it was Stan that put me off it can I can I say one

thing that is confusing me a lot about this whole shepherd's pie sure cottage we've got two kinds of pie haven't we we've got cottage pie and shepherd's pie cottage. Sure, sure. We've got two kinds of pie, haven't we?

We've got cottage pie and shepherd's pie in the world. The two main... Sort of thing a seven-year-old would say. And then there are the sort of the hard pies, which are a separate category, aren't they? The rustic apple and... You've got your cottage, you've got your shepherd's. Your point is...

They're the two rustically named pies. 100. Now, here's what I thought was the distinction, and I've believed this the whole of my long life. Okay. That shepherd's pie... Yes. ...is called shepherd's pie because it's made with lamb.

Correct. And that that is the one that has potato on top because the fluffy mashed potato represents the wall of the sheet. Oh, I never thought of that. It's not collage. I think you might have made that bit up. No, this is what I believed. Oh, okay.

Sometimes if you see a very thin... Let the witness speak. Yes. Sometimes if you see a very thin layer of potato, it's you know when you see them post-shearing? Yes. You can still see some of the razor marks on them. That's like my dog after the groomers,

on his little legs. And then I thought... Cottage? Can I say shearing, that was a great choice by the lambs. Between leather, the lambs said, no, we'll have the wool thing

because you just shear us with the cows. I'm afraid they have to be slayed. It's a good point. But anyway, I thought, I then thought cottage pie, which was beef,

and they don't live in cottages, so that already is struggling. Or the cows. Yeah. But I thought that the crusty roof of that represented more of a roof-like structure. Yes.

A lot of thought into this. You could have... There's a lot of travelling comedy. You could have... You could have... Cottage or shepherd. You could have... Just looking out the window, thinking of stuff.

That's essentially a comedian's life. You could have shredded wheat notice it's what i've believed my whole life you could have shredded wheat on the cottage pie for thatching for example oh that's nice but that's what i thought was the distinction the woolly the woolly mashed potato now here on a on a on a on a cottage pie i'm told that that's where the mashed potato belongs I've always remembered the difference i.e. the lamb because of the shepherds

yeah that's the only way I've remembered it yeah me too I think that's how most people treat this can I say we trusted those shepherds

some don't even know the difference it seems ironic that the shepherd's pie known for the caring of lambs. Watching the flock by night. Is where we find those creatures minced. Indeed.

We trusted him. Well welcome to farming as a concept. Exactly. Oh it's a cold hearted business. It's not so much watching your flock, more weighing them up. That's fine.

You know when you go and visit a farmer and they've got like three dogs lying on the hearth. Oh, there's always a dog. Don't the farm animals think, well, what is this deal? Those animals live in the house, lie by the fire at night, get stroked and spared. Be more useful then, the other animals.

Be more useful, you other animals. Be more useful you get by the fire indoors. That's one thing about Korea. Don't be so tasty. In Korea you get equality. They all get eaten. Yeah, it's true. Communism.

I'm talking about the South even. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so that was my I always thought that shepherd's pie had wool on the outside and lamb on the inside, thus reproducing the anatomy of the sheep. Well, I like what you've done.

It's strong on imagination. But... And I suspect a little short on facts. Well, what are the crusted pies, then? What, on the cottage? And what are the crusted pies, then? What, on the cottage? And what are the crusted pies? Cottage and Shepherds. Are the crusted on the Shepherds pies, then?

They're both the same, I think, on top layer or nearer. So none of them are crusted, in your opinion? What do you mean, crusted? Well, they have a pastry crust rather than a potato. Oh, no, they don't. No, that's a pie pie that's a hard

pie sorry is this last of the summer why no that's a different kind of pie that's more

like a pie you'd purchase at a football match no no or in a gastropub I'm talking

about in a triamins beef also it's a thing that people who have been students

I was a student yeah well I have been students I was a student I was a student we're all students everybody's had a drink but I never I am Spartacus I didn't cook much for myself I find people who cooked

as students basically put tinned tomatoes in every meal they ever had. And sweet corn. Now what I find now is when I if I go to

someone's house and they've made well I don't even know what the pies are called now you've thrown in the crust theory. Don't fall out over the pie.

But when they make let's call it a cottage pie and then in the gravy I can see redness. Oh that's wrong. I mean as they put tomato-y things in the cottage pie. And then in the gravy I can see redness. Oh, that's wrong. I said put tomato-y things in the cottage pie. Get out!

It's supposed to be brown. Tomato-y things? How old are you? Brown gravy, that's what we're after. Not red. It's not really gravy, sweetheart. No, you're right. You are right. Exactly with the nail on the head. I totally agree. What I'm saying is it's not...

I don't think you should be having gravy in the cottage pie because you're making it with... They're thinking, oh, it'll be kind of like Moroccan. A bit like Moroccan, if I do that. Wear the scarf, but leave the gravy alone. That's my advice if you want to be a bit Moroccan. Good advice. Thanks.

Good advice. I think maybe to be a bit Moroccan. Good advice. Thanks. Good advice. I think maybe we had a different cottage pie. I think you and I are back on a green with each other, Frank. It's like those heady days when we were talking about our hotel improvements. You've turned into the gravy gang and I won't have any part of it. You don't want tomato-y stuff in a cottage pie. Well, I think it worries me that you object to it because you think, oh, you and your continental ways. Yeah, the spag bol, but I imagine the cottage pie

to be a bit of everything in it. The disgust on Frank's face. Well, when I suggested it might have a crust on it, you laughed at me like I was a buffoon. But now we can have tomatoes in the cottage pie. I was going to go out on that, but I'm too upset. Cottage pie, ladies and gentlemen, who died earlier today. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a bit of a scurrilous confession come in. I think I might... Shall I say the name and place, or shall I just say... Is it from one of the Royal Family? No. Okay. No, they always use a nondiplume. Oh, yeah.

It's come from Barnsley, but I won't say the person's name. Frank, I've been making cauliflower mash for years. My wife doesn't like cauliflower, but doesn't know I put it in and always says, mmm, they were nice. I don't know what they're putting it into, but I'm guessing it's in the pies. Mashed potato or something. Oh, maybe.

Don't tell her, is my advice. Well. Do the mashed potato. That's why I kept the name. Whether you should secretly feed people things in 2019 is... Oh, yeah, you can't do that. In the age of allergy. I think it's what it'll be called.

Is that our age? In the Insightlopedia. This is the dawning of the age of the allergy. I think the allergy sounds a bit like an ology. Yeah, it does. But I think that's what people will look back on. They study that for their degrees now, the allergy. Do they?

What did you do at university? I got 2.1 in the allergy. I'll tell you something that we haven't. Going back to the original root of this pie conversation, the lady with the potato waffle roof. Yes. I do. On the cottage.

If I can go back to, if we imagine putting gravy on that, one thing I like is it's really going to sit in those indentations. Yes. On the top of the pie? Like loft insulation. Yeah, but I like that. I like the idea of the gravy. Because, you know, the problem with gravy is it slides off into the plate.

I wish you'd stop saying gravy. Why? Because it's not gravy. Well, the fact is, that is a sauce for the pie. It's a sauce in the cottage pie. I'm not talking about in. When I have cottage pie, I want to put gravy on top of the cottage pie. Why? You're killing the food.

In case some idiot's put tomatoes on the inside. You're killing the food. You're destroying the taste of the food. But imagine. You just put gravy on everything. You could put a few bits of mustard, hither, thither. Give them a little square of their own. Hither, thither.

Yeah? It should look like an about-to-be-completed Rubik's Cube. Nice. Oh, I wanted to talk-completed Rubik's Cube. Nice. Oh, I wanted to talk to you about Rubik's Cube. Can we... What, you found one with gravy on it? Can we... Not yet.

Can we discuss some... My son, who's seven, has become slightly obsessed with the Rubik's Cube. Who'd have thought that? Good, good obsession. Yes, he handed it to me not long ago and said, do you know how to get this in order? And I said, I used to move the squares around, I'm afraid. Oh, yeah.

Oh, did you? That surprised me. It's one of my most shameful moments because, do you know, I think I realised at that point that cheats don't prosper. No. Because you could see the residue and I knew I'd cheated. It's a difficult time to stick with the adage, cheats don't prosper, if you look at the world news, though, isn't it?

Yeah. Because there's quite a few fibbers that have really thrived in life. And also the Paddy Power advert. Yes, exactly. With Ryan Giggs's brother. Makes exactly the opposite point about cheats. But sorry, the Rubix. Oh, yes.

No, but it's funny. I was talking about online backgammon the other day, and I was saying, how do you throw a dice on online backgammon? You didn't say die. And, yeah, well, true. And I wondered, I said, maybe you do actually throw a dice at home and you just tell your opponent what's thrown.

And they laughed in my face that anyone would be that trusted. And I would, the idea of throwing a dice on linebacker and then telling the person another number is as alien to me as unaided flight home after this show. Oh. I wouldn't know. Would you even think of doing that for a second? No, I wouldn't, but I don't know how to play backgammon, so it's a big intellectual leap for me.

I don't. I was being hypothetical. Oh, right. Oh, my sheriff, he was. He was a grandmaster. That's right. He was. Do you think... So that means if you were... If you played tennis,

you could always be trusted with the calls. The line call. Yeah. No, because I think the human eye is fallible. Yeah. And I think often those people... Subconscious bias as well. Yeah, there is, yeah, but a subconscious...

I don't think... Those people who call for lying things, say professional tennis, I think... Do you remember when that first came out? Hawkeye. Oh, yeah. I remember we did a joke on the chat show

saying that there's this new technology that's just been invented called Hawkeye, or in Scotland as they call it, Hawkeye the new. Of course it was decommissioned shortly afterwards. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Can I just do... Oh, sorry. No, Terry and Lincoln needs to speak to you.

Terry! Sorry, Frank. Omar Sharif played Bridge, not Batgammon. Oh, I think you'll find he played both. I think you'll find he did play Batgammon. You've had a mare, Terry. Terry. I'm not certain, Terry, but I'm nearly certain. I'd be willing to stand by you on that I think he was a master of both yeah okay

contrary to the jack of all trades sorry Al I think Frank was about to do he's got so many gifts to do I know I've got a couple of more thank yous reader 218 has sent me a couple of more thank yous. Nice cop. Reader218 has sent me a couple of CDs.

Do you remember those? Yeah. They're recordings called It's Just Not Cricket by the Twelfth Man. And he says, as you love cricket and comedy, you've probably heard it already. I haven't. Just in case, Shevan, I thought I'd send it to you. Absolutely hilarious. heard it already i haven't just in case i thought i'd send it to you absolutely hilarious my friends

and myself used to listen avidly on our annual fishing trips so once a year they listened they loved it so much but i'm going to try that and i like you know when you get a sign off and it says um things like um all the best or i used to put Keep Smiling, something I'd seen written in a Wednesday play by a man who went missing, used to send postcards with Keep Smiling on them. Anyway, it's another story. This, my favourite one ever was, we once had one written to Fantasy Football

by a guy from, I don't know, he was in the sports department in Radio Stirling or something, and he signed it, Yours in Sport. Yours in Sport is lovely. But this one I like very much. He closes with Keep Broadcasting. Oh, nice.

That's good. Can I just say 773, Al? I'm sorry, 774. I'm getting confused because 774 says, last night me and Mrs. 774 saw the UK's only dedicated Luther Vandross tribute act at the Anvil in Basingstoke. Next week we're seeing Frank at the Anvil. My wife's comment was,

Frank Skinner will have to go some to beat that. Oh. Yeah. Well, I usually bring a fair amount of dross. I remember Ozzy Osbourne telling me that he'd bought this enormous, like a big heavy-duty pickup truck. Oh, yes.

Thinking that if he had a crash, he would be the one who survived. It was such a junky thing. And then he said he'd parked it outside the music place where it was his HQ. And as he parked it, he reversed it violently into a beautiful car owned by Luther Van Brock, doing quite a bit of damage. Is he no longer with us, can we just say? Who? Luther Van Drosch?

I say Aussie, I hope. He's still around behind me. I was just suddenly thinking of Luther. I don't know what's happened to LVD. It's like that's a thing. That's what they call me in spain so they used to call me on my spanish holidays so now listen last week do you remember this last week i had a someone sent me a book about um rye harryhausen's films yes now this is important it's a good about Ray Harryhausen's films. Yes. Now, this is important.

It's a good joke. Harryhausen the Lost. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you, darling. I'm just going to say, you know, Luther ain't got nothing on that. Yeah, here you are. Anyway, yeah, so I got a book last week called Harryhausen the Lost Movies, which was about Ray Harryhausen, who makes this incredible sort of stop motion stuff.

Yeah. And it turns out it was from John Walsh. I didn't know it was from. Someone I've met many times and who's heavily involved in the whole Harryhausen world. And he said, his letter, Exploring New Years, and thank you, John, it's brilliant. Can I say, if anyone likes sort of anything

slightly sci-fi, fantasy, filmy, animation, get this book. It's a beauty. But he says, Tom Baker and Pat Troughton, both Doctor Whos, have appeared between them in three Harryhausen films. Tom, of course, Golden Voyage as Sinbad, Pat as the blind beggar in Jason the Argonaut,

tormented by the flying harpies, and again as Melanthius in Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. Oh, yes. In my research for the last movies, I discovered a third lost trout in appearance, the TV pilot for Gulliver in 1963. So these are the sorts of letters that I get and absolutely love.

Yeah. It's a brilliant book, though. I'd really, really recommend it. Now, he just says, very best wishes. It's not up there, we're just broadcasting. Shall we have a competition? We can run it over the next couple of weeks of best sign-offs.

Most enjoyable sign-off. Oh, yes. I'll tell you what, one that springs to mind, I'd never seen, but was a commonplace in my youth, was Macho Blind. That seems to have gone. But any genuine sign-offs, we'd love to hear them. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Ross Evans, always use kind regards at work, but the rest of the time it's all the best. Yeah, they're traditional. I quite like kind regards. Stephen Burgess, here's looking at you, but the rest of the time it's all the best. Yeah, they're traditional. I quite like kind regards. Stephen Burgess, he's looking at you, kid. Thanks, Stephen. He wouldn't actually write that, would he, in a

letter? I know people don't write letters, but email, whatever. Would he actually write that? Well, he might say it. Yeah, why not? Or if you write to the gas board about something. Oh, yeah. Is there still a gas board well i know someone who used to have never complain never explain that was their sign off

someone we both know it's been replaced by sent from my iphone oh yeah or sometimes when people adapt that and sent from my wacky device like you know people put funny stuff, don't they? Oh, I know. Oh, that's a bit Speaker's tie, isn't it? Yeah. It's a bit John Bercow jaunty tie. When I get an email from Dennis Leary, I don't know if you know his American comedy comedian.

Yes, I don't know him, but I know his work. And he's a good friend of mine, and his emails end, from the set of Ice Age 9. I always say that. When I first saw it, I was thinking, is there a 9?

And it's just, it's of course irony. Yeah. He's Diablo, is that? Diego. The saber-toothed tiger in Ice Age. Is he?

He's the voice of. Lovely. Cool. Yeah. When I introduced him to Buzz, Buzz was pretty amazed at the voice of Diego coming out of this bloke.

That's great. We've also had a very enjoyable sign-off. Hi, Frank and Chums. My five-year-old son wrote a letter to our cat after she vomited on his bed. His sign-off was, please get lost forever. This has now been his bed. His sign-off was, please get lost forever. This has now been

adopted as our family sign-off. That is great. I've used that a few times. The trouble is that cats do actually do that. Literally, that's when you'd feel bad about it. That is a very good... I can't think of an occasion i'm going to use please get lost oh i can

me too nate h yours in deterioration uh that's like uh yeah i think i'm of an age now that isn't as funny as it might have been oh yeah especially yeah. Especially if you don't see them again. Yeah, the degeneration game. Yeah. Okay. Well. What's this? Someone said to me, three cheers, bye. I thought, wow, that'll catch on.

Never heard it since. Like you with the umbrella hat. Exactly. That'd be a nice friend for you. One, six, zero, we'll talk. That'd be a nice friend for you 160 we'll talk that would be a nice friend Kat says that to me why aren't you friends with

she always says that because I'm not friends I always say there's a bleak silence in the house just the sound of a clock ticking then we continue on a subject completely separate can we just quickly tell you

I don't know if we're wrapping tell you, I think this is, I don't know if we're wrapping up soon, but I think you'll appreciate this one. Eddie Foster met the late, great, legendary chef Keith Floyd. I asked him to sign my ticket and his sign-off was, to Eddie, best dishes, Keith Floyd. Oh, nice. That's very good.

Okay. And who was it used to do a drawing of, like, a kangaroo? Oh. No, um... Why would you bring that up? I shall be in, um... I shall be in Oxford on the 25th. I mention that because it's... I think it's the only gig on the whole tour

that's sold quite badly. That's why I bring it up. It's so embarrassing. I know. Why are you that? What have I done to upset the people of Oxford? What is it? It's anti-bicycle material. Anyway, it's going to be like

McGarvey's funeral on that night. So if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.