The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pip

Episode Date: August 5, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Steve Hall and Emily Dean. It's been the week of goodbyes, both Prince Philip and Anthony Scaramucci left their positions and the team discuss! Frank also gives his opinion on Dunkirk.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show... Oh no, it's not Alan Cochran. Sorry. What am I, chopped liver? You can... Yes, this is Frank Skinner with... What a start.

It's good to be back. The worst ever start with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is is Frank Skinner. What a start. It's good to be back. The worst ever start with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us. Hello. This morning. Hooray. I'm going to have to be like... I feel I should be like sycophantic posse

and sort of clap now because you didn't get the mention. But you know, he was just on a roll. When the genius is on a roll, you have to just let him go with it. I love genius on a roll. Yeah. Especially with a dill pickle.

Anyway, you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's the worst opening to the show there's ever been in nine years. You haven't heard it when I've presented it. Well, welcome.

Of course I listen to it. I'm like, it was like when Hank presented the Larry Sanders show. Haunted. So, hello, Steve. Hello, lovely to be back. Welcome back. It's been a year.

Has it been a year? I love having you here, and I'm saying that in spite of the fact that you're wearing a short-sleeved shirt. So there you go. Coach coach driver sleeves in the house. Has he got pens in the pocket? He's got a coach driver sleeve. He's checking on all the seats as he goes down.

I like coming here because I always learn that I'm wearing the wrong thing. I can think I'm looking okay and then discover I'm hopefully wrong. I'm not saying I don't like it. One of my favourite TV adverts at the moment is, and I profoundly disagree with online betting, but there's an online betting ad with a coach driver. And everyone's at the football ground and he's looking at, and he's won, he's picked the right scorer or whatever. And the actor, whoever he is,

who probably thought he'd be playing Sir John Falstaff by now, but he's playing this coach driver with no lines. It just is a little look and a nod that he's won. And it's perfect. Yeah. It's absolutely...

He is a great actor. That guy. That's Rob Tofield, I think. Do you know who he is? Do you know who that is? You are having a laugh. Having a laugh.

He's from a very lovely comedy duo called Colin and Rob. They went on a long journey for their name. Do you know people in ads and things? This is an extraordinary skill. That's great, but you've identified the obese coach driver. Particularly now you've called him obese.

Well, he's playing obese. I'm not saying he is. Well, why don't you say playing? I mean, does he look like he's ad-padding? No, he looks like he's ad-planning. Someone who knows him now might say, oh, listen to the Frank Skinner podcast. You get a lovely mention

but then it's stop listening as soon as your name turn your radio off straight away. No, no, but no, no, no, listen, because I think it's important about this point. Yeah, go on. I went to see Don Kirk this week. Oh, did you like it? I thought it was fantastic. Yeah, go on. I went to see Don Kirk this week. Oh, did you like it? I thought it was

fantastic. However, No review. My, my big in brackets about that is why

every young soldier who was in it was absolutely beautiful. They looked like oh, someone had gone

into a catwalk modelling thing for Joseph and said, look, guys, I'm sorry, but we're calling you up. You've got to go to Donker. And they were all... Harry Styles is one of the... Well, I know H. Styles. Harry Styles doesn't stand out as being good-looking. They're all good-looking. Daisy, should we get some tickets for this one?

No, but I saw it when they say it. That's our Chippendales night out, Frank, at my age. But I... Where is the ugly people lobby? No, but where are... Why are there... You know when there's something and say there isn't black people in it or is there enough women in it

or there isn't enough people with working-class there enough women in it or there isn't enough people who work in class accents. Those people stand up and say hold on a minute, where are the ugly people sitting? Hold on, are you saying everyone in Dunkirk? Dunkirk needs to check it. Because the nines and the tens are getting an awful lot of air time these days

and actually the teeth are too good I would imagine. They are terrible teeth. But I accept that. It needs to check its perfect cheekbones privilege. I used to work as a medieval teeth double in films. So, you know, I've taken advantage of the perfect teeth. But honestly, it's a brilliant film, but come on.

It's a very good... It's a staggeringly good film and it's now forever ruined. Well, also, I can't go to that. I wish your mate was in it from Rob and Dick. Colin and Rob. Colin and Rob. He would have been brilliant.

You're telling me there were no big-boned people at Dunkirk? My, you can imagine the little boats arriving and saying, do you mind waiting for the next one, mate? We'll have... And what about Cabran? He's in it. Has he aged well? Oh, he looks great, yeah. Oh, does he? OK.

One thing he's got is his upper lip. Oh, it's like that. I don't think it was ever stiffer than it is in this film. He's so British officer. It's fantastic. Okay. I think one of the fighter pilots plays Morrissey in the new Morrissey film as well.

Is that right? I wish you knew more information, Steve. You do know. And which comedy double act is he in? Yeah. He's too beautiful to be a comedian. Sid Little plays Himmler. Actually, I think you can get away with that,

if you change your glasses. Who do you think should play Himmler from popular comedy? 8, 12, 15. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I ate at an unaccompanied asterisk. Oh, I know. I remember I was in Gaul once. No, but you know when you see an asterisk,

you look to the bottom of the page for an explanation. Who was his fat mate, asterisk? Obelix. I think he was that bloke from Colin and Rob. I know this is a late piece of advice for him, but if you're carrying that kind of weight, don't wear blue and white striped trousers. I mean, I appreciate he's not only a cartoon character,

probably no longer with us, even in cartoon terms. It was so long ago, but the clothes. And he had a bare top. No, blue and white striped. A torso and a blue and white striped trouser. Who wears that if you're overweight? Maybe he'll come back, he's lost all the weight and he's now waiting for a skin transplant

and it's just a grotesque cartoon to look at. That's not his style, are you? Yeah, but when they make the live action version of Hit Your Mate or Walk Straight Into That Park, I'm going to cast, next thing I do, I'm going to cast him in it. I couldn't tell from that second in the advert that he's a really good actor.

And I tell you what, I think he could play a really moving drama-type part as well, but he won't get the part. He'll go to some model who's rubbish. Well, exactly. God damn it! I was just having a bit of a moan off air, listeners slash readers. Moana, that's what we call it. Because I remember the day, my parents' day,

when these people went into acting. They had snaggled tooths, they had bruises, they had, you know, not the best of figures, some of these people. William Hartnell's teeth, they were unbelievable. Not unbelievable. There's a whole fan site dedicated to them. There should be. But when did it suddenly become, as you say,

that the prerequisite was being, you know, Stone Cold Fox? Those people have always got work. But, you know, not everyone at Dunkirk. That's just not fair. Yeah. Ridiculous. I'll tell you the other thing as well. I want to work out whether this is me getting older.

Yes. Or whether it is a trend. Yeah. or whether it is a trend. But to me, I would say maybe 65% of the dialogue in Dunkirk... Have you gone around... It's like that. I missed most of it. It's all right, because there's not much dialogue in it. And, you know, if there's an aeroplane coming and somebody says something and they run away,

I know it's the equivalent of look out, Steve. The script was written by Norman Collier. Oh, was it? It's the new naturalism, though. Yes, so I've heard. They love this new naturalism. I like Brief Encounter. You were in love with her, weren't you?

I like everything enunciated. When the kegs get knocked out. Oh, look at me, Ben. That's all we like. No, I've almost, oh, look at me, Ben, but he's... That's all we like. Yes, I do. I don't know. If I was on here on a Saturday morning saying, OK, morning, and... People would turn it off.

But I was speaking to someone who directed something and said to the actor, sorry, I couldn't quite tell what you were saying then. This is a true story. And the actor said, no, no, no, that's my style of acting. It could be Peter Beardsley and Kenny Dalgleish having their own radio show. Well, really, I was just an IMAX.

It's not like it was, you know, it was mega loud stuff. Let's get ready to mumble. I love it. That's what they should say when you enter the door of RADA. They should say that. It really, honestly, drove me crazy. I've got some thoughts on acting. I want to romp on you, actually.

Oh, I look forward to these. Well, you've acted. Steve, have you acted? I have acted a tiny bit. Have you? What have you been in? I've been in the sitcom We Are Clang. Oh, yeah? My own sitcom. That's good. And that's pretty much never acted a tiny bit. Have you? What have you been in? I've been in the sitcom We Are Clang. Oh, yeah?

My own sitcom. That's good. And that's pretty much never acted again after that. Well, I was in quite a few things. Oh, you were in a lot of things. Too numerous to mention. I was a child actress, Steve. I don't know if you know.

I know. You were in SOS Titanic. Oh, we should. Yeah. Actually, I think we had a communique. We should talk about that. We had a communique. We had a communique. SOS Titanic. Oh, we should... Actually, I think we had a... We should talk about that. We had a communique. We had a communique.

SLS Titanic. Yeah. And, well, I mean, I could list them, but, you know, come on. Well, they're the truth feeds, obviously. Yeah, Nanny, the professionals. Brilliant. Yeah.

Nice. Well, then I'm in good company. I look forward to it. We've had a couple of suggestions for who could play Himmler. 803 says Stephen Merchant. 317, Henning Ven. That's route one, isn't it? Stephen Merchant's a good call.

I think he'd be great. He's a bit too benign, though. Well, I think that... And shines through his lovely face. You find that with Himmler. No, no one finds that with Himmler. No, but he looks like he might be, and then he's disgusting.

Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. Disgusting. The Nazi's one of the few people you can talk about like that on air. There's no one saying, you know, that's very harsh. It's not like when I was body shaming Obelix, which I've done this morning, I felt really bad. 099 suggests that Simon Pegg could play Himmler if he dyed his hair. Yeah, I think that's a good cause.

I didn't think this would be a genuine texting, who could play Himmler, but here we are. We can move through. I think I could probably... Could be a Himmler. I think I'm skinny enough. And also I've got the temper for it. What's happened there?

This is a strange turn of events. You've only put yourself forward. It's all gone a bit Perkins. Now we understand. You've played the long game. There isn't a Himmler movie. Can I make that clear? Yet. a bit perkins now we understand you played the long game there isn't a him the movie can i make that yet um though you know off the back of don kirk who knows yeah do you think the inhabitants

of dunkirk feel slightly resentful that we've slightly appropriated their spirit as it were oh the spirit of dunkirk we've made it a brit thing, but of course it's not British, is it? Yeah, Dunkirk spirit, that's true. It's like us saying the spirit Parisienne or something about ourselves. Yeah, so if they did anything that was really sort of lovely, you know, communal and upstanding, they couldn't say, oh, that's the Dunkirk spirit. Because people would say, no, no, I think they'd find that's a British thing. Yeah. How would we feel if we had the spirit de Birmingham? If the French people talked about that?

I'd be all right with that. The Dunkirk spirit involves leaving Dunkirk as well. Yeah, it does. Getting out of there by any means possible is what it involves. It's true. I think the people are Dunkirkians. Really hard done by Frank. Hard done.

I mean, late review and all, but still. Yeah. And also, if you live in a place that sounds a bit like William Shatner's CV... LAUGHTER Of course, the music is by Hans Zimmer, speaking of... Is it?

Deutschland. Yes. Yeah. He's good. I was on the one show with him once. This is when I felt... Worked with one show with him once this is when i felt what with them all steve this is when i felt i'd been more trusted by the media because you know when i started off i was seen as a slightly loose cannon i think as a bit of a loose banjo cannon

you were but you were a bit seen as a bit hawaiian shirt japes and now i'm so trustworthy that they gave on the one show which is live prime time television with hans zimmer they gave on the one show, which is live primetime television, with Hans Zimmer. They gave me a picture of him, and they said, can you draw a funny moustache on this? Wow, that's trust. And I went for, like, the handlebar job. I think I might have gone for Fu Manchu,

which I know is borderline, but compared to where I could have gone. It's good, because you'd worry, if you hear Hans Zimmer, you'd worry that someone's about to hand you a walking frame now that you're 60. Oh, here we go. Oh, Steve.

The guy with the eyes. Oh, Steve. I've been framed. Anyway, here's one of the acting. You know, they're all about real, real, so you don't have to be heard. But in real life... IRL, I believe the kids say. Yeah, IRL, when you're talking to someone and they

say what you say is what did you say you never see that you never see that in drama wouldn't it be great if that was written into dramas yeah what what i was saying i I'm sorry, I can't. What are you saying? Oh, someone mispronouncing something and someone correcting you. I'd love that. Or somebody just saying the wrong word. Well, you'd love that. It's like Alan at a desk art

and someone said, oh, actually, it's day cart. Yeah, do I just say the wrong word in life? Yeah. Yeah. There's a really emotional scene where, oh, sorry, I spat on you when I said that.

Yeah. And they say, what? Sneezing. Sneezing? Almost no sneezing, unless it's a major plot point. Or the mobile should be going off a lot as well. It should be.

I mean, not in Dunkirk, obviously. There should be stuff like, to be or not... Hold on. Or not to be... They weren't real, these people. Sorry, you've got some pesto in your teeth. Just sort that out.

I can't look at it. Carry on. Well, they do do that in Deadpool. You've got something in your teeth, yeah. He's being tortured by a bloke, and he says to the bloke, actually, you've got something in your teeth. I recommend Deadpool.

It's very, very fine. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet just now from Johnny Mullins saying, I want to hear more about Emily's acting career. On 0898. We've previously been contacted by Tetra Archangel

who said according to Not one of yours Frank Oh ok, the Archangels Thought they were your lot Tetra Arch, but wasn't Tetra I'm getting mixed up with Petra Oh it's very Why don't people just call him Steve Williams

Steve Williams? Steve Williams? Yeah. Remember him? OK. And they say, according to IMDb, you played Child Uncredited. Oh, come on. Well, they call it The Titanic.

That is the one. I don't understand. You can say, according to... What's the initial? IMDb. Internet Movie Database. According to IMDb,'s the initial thing? Internet Movie Database. According to IMDB, you play child uncredited because that's a credit, isn't it?

Child uncredited. That's true. How do they know this? Well, I like the idea of being child uncredited. That might be my album title. That was the old days. That was like the modern version of little children should be seen and not heard.

Now, well, they used to occasionally, and I'm going to name and shame these people, if they needed us to shoot some more scenes, they would, on this very film, they would come in and the producer personally gave us five, said, do you want five pounds? Brilliant. And then we had to roll,

I mean, it was pretty unpleasant what we were having to do. We had to pretend we were really hungry and we'd seen food for the first time in ages. So we were stuffing our faces full of food. Well, how does that happen on Titanic? Oh, no, that wasn't Titanic. Oh, excuse me, that was Memoirs of a Survivor with Julie Christie.

Oh, wow. I mean, I was going to say, they had food on the Titanic. Yeah, but, you know. The problem is they also had water. No, that I was playing someone in the upper section of the boat. Oh, I see. Fair enough. I section of the boat. Oh, I see. Fair enough.

I like that the film was called SOS Titanic. The SOS needed, just in case anyone thought it was the Titanic with a really happy ending. Isn't that their way of saying we're caught into the chase? Yeah. SOS, interestingly, SOS, I believe, stands for save our souls, doesn't it? Yes, I believe so. That's what we look to you for, Frank. In an irreligious age, you'd think they'd have changed that.

Yeah. We didn't know back then. What would it... Save our skins. But then it sounds like you're leaving your body to dermatology. Someone says I can hear every mouse click. Oh, really? Yeah.

Someone says I can hear every mouse click. Oh, really? Yeah. That's like George Eliot at Middlemarch saying, if you felt everyone else's pain, it would be like being able to hear the grass grow. There you go. Absolute radio, where real literature matters.

I always imagine that the horror of hitting the iceberg Yes. I always imagine that the horror of hitting the iceberg would be slightly softened by seeing about 100 penguins fall over at the same time. Do you think that would be true? We didn't act with actual ice, as I recall. No. There was a lot of int night. But did you have to stand on, like, floors that were at an acute angle? Did you have to do a lot of int night. But did you have to stand on, like...

We stood on deck. ...floors that were at an acute angle. Did you have to do a lot of that? No. Or did you have to jump for better? They fix it in post, love. They fix it in post. Where did you film it?

Some studio. I can't remember where. Some studio? Well, I can't remember. I was about seven years old. A London-based studio. I might have been... How did it happen, then?

Oh, you rascal. Don't you think, I'm going to ask you a Jewish question. Steve is Jewish, so I can ask him this. Don't you think that if you became a rapper,

you could do a lot worse as a Jewish rapper than being called Iceberg. Oh, yeah. It'd be perfect. You can have that, Steve. Find a new career. Well, I don't think I can do the Jewish rapper thing, and I think people would like it,

but you, obviously, are. Yeah, go for it. Have you ever rapped on stage? I bet you have. We, I mean, we did. Come on, you have. We did, yeah, we did do a... I mean, it's one of those things,

you know when you look back on a comedy career and you do things, you kind of go, I hate it when a comedian raps, and then you go, oh, we did that exact thing that I've just said I hated. Yes. So we did a rap. I did a rap with the obese comedian Greg Davis.

Oh, I wouldn't say he was obese. There's no Obelix. No. He's more of a... I'd say he's just... I wish I hadn't started that was obese. There's no Obelix. No. He's more of a... I wish I hadn't started that sentence. You know what? I'd say he's impressive. Ronnie Biggs once said...

What about Gareth Malone? Oh, yeah. You know him, the choir master? I know him. He'd be perfect, wouldn't he? For what? Himla. Oh, right.

He's got the haircut and everything. He looks good, actually. Yeah. We've had a couple of correctionis coming in. Yeah. Where to start? Correctioni, correction. Olé, olé, olé.

Go on. A couple of people have texted to say that SOS doesn't actually stand for anything. Rubbish. That it was just easier to type in in Morse code. Well, because it's dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. Yeah, and someone, 628, has said that it's just dot, dot, dot dash dash dash dot dot dot yeah and some someone nine two six two eight has said that it's just dot dot dash dash dot dot which has blown my mind this conversation what do we do the rest of the show in morse code um i well why didn't they just make it s then that would have been easier, wouldn't it?

Well, 990 says, when I was about six... When you say 990, do you mean... No, I mean the prisoner. Oh, yeah. Says, when I was about six, our family drove through the Birkenhead Tunnel,

Birkenhead, which had emergency telephones signed with SOS to show where to get help. I asked what SOS meant and my nan said Save Our Souls. This led me to believe there was some kind of prayer station at regular intervals in the tunnel. Which I think is quite a good idea, really.

It's a lovely idea. Yeah. The Save Our Souls station. Well, people always say... So you're saying it didn't stand for Save Our Souls? Supposedly that's an urban myth that has... What kind of an urban myth is that? I know, I know.

I mean, it's not up there with Marilyn Manson being the kid from the Wanda years, is it? No, no, honestly. And then a few people have also pointed out that the Titanic hit the iceberg in the Northern Hemisphere. So there would have been no penguins. 393 says no penguins. Yeah, I'm sure you know.

You heard it here first. There are no penguins in the Northern Hemisphere. What about the North Pole? None there? I think they're all south of the equator, your penguin. I don't know if I can afford to live in the south. So much price here, isn't it? Yeah, they must have a few, Bob.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Speaking of which, I went to the Natural History Museum this week. Oh, I miss my evenings out with skeletons. I miss fashion. You can always come out with me.

I got to be honest, of all the human beings I know, I'm probably less interested in natural history than anyone. Oh. But my son wanted to see the dinosaurs, so we went and we generally looked around. Have you been to the Natural History Museum in recent times? Not since they changed the... They got rid of the diplodocus.

I've not been since they got rid of... I think they called it dippy. Yes. Well, they have a lot of stuffed animals in there. Don't take this the wrong way, but I see it as quite 70s, which is why I haven't been in some time. Well, the stuffed animals, how can I put this? Because I'm really,

although I'm not interested in natural history particularly, I'm very glad it exists. My son, we had five hours there. We had a lovely time. But they've seen better days, the stuffed animals. The koala was basically white. It looked like they'd had it in the window.

I'm not joking. It was like a snow koala, for such a thing. Snow-ala, they'd call them, wouldn't they? Do they have snow in Australia, ever? 8, 12, 15. It happens sometimes, yeah. Do they... Oh, I don't like that.

No. Honestly, it wasn't. It's broken Britain, Frank. They're not paying the bills for the cleaners. It wasn't good. And I had to explain because my son had recently been given a toy koala by an Australian friend of mine. And, of course, he was confused at the difference in shade. Is there a snowy koala by an Australian friend of mine and of course he was confused

at the difference in shade. Is there a snowy koala? Of course there isn't, and if in Australia I think they've all got chlamydia as well. They do, that is a big problem. Probably shouldn't talk about that on Breakfast Radio. They go to university, they act recklessly. I'm just taking a little picture

of the producer's face when he said that. No, I'm just doing it as a health warning. And, Frank, not only that... This one looked like it had got something. It looked like it had seen a ghost, this koala. You don't want to hang out with koalas. They have STDs and they're... There's no easy way of saying this, but they're strung out most of the time.

On the eucalyptus, they're druggies as well. This one looked like it had been working on Britain's Most Haunted. It was so pale. Oh, dear. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. Hold on, I'll see if I've got a suitable... I like it, I like it. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So we're in the Natural History Museum

and you were really disappointed by the somewhat threadbare koalas. Threadbare, that's a good pun. Although they're not actually bears, I think, are they? One of the great discoveries of the 21st century is they're not bears. Koalas. Horrible eyes.

I like their eyes. I find them gross. I think the eyes on toy koalas look more like their eyes I find them gross I think the eyes on toy koalas look more like real eyes than the eyes on koalas and that's always a good thing so yeah the albino koala and generally

I mean I feel bad saying it but they need a whole new batch of stuffed animals. And is it still all right, taxidermy? Is it one of the things that's gone under the political correctness sledgehammer? Oh, that's true. I think a lot of this, because the new blue whale, I think it's really old, isn't it? The bones of the blue whale.

It's something like the late 1800s, I oh is it that old wow i think it's either that or you're the one who called it the new blue whale and certainly the diplodocus was similarly ancient well it would have to be i'm not suggesting they top up the dinosaur bones. No, but they look terrible. They look like really bad pyjama cases, most of the animals in there. Did they? Maybe there'll be koalas in the same way that we can donate ourselves to science. Maybe there'll be a koala that will happily donate itself to the Natural History Museum. Well, I tell you what, I wouldn't want its eyes. Gross.

They've got Darwin's pigeons in there, gross they've got Darwin's pigeons in there which was the pigeons that Charles Darwin used for some of his ghastly experiments I think are they the real ones then?

yeah they're his actual pigeons you both look astonished well no I just always think it's like in the London dungeons when they say here are the actual rats that caused the plague. And that puts the fear of God into me. Yeah, I don't know. Is that fair enough?

What if the Perspex broke? Well, these are actually in a box and they're called... They're all in a box. Everything starts in a box. They are just pigeons, though. Are they just normal pigeons? But they're Darwin's pigeons. I reckon someone's lost them at some point.

I reckon that's the sort of thing. Someone would go, oh, God, there's a dead pigeon in here. This is disgusting. Then they'd throw it away. No. They were Darwin's pigeons. What about 953, who says, Steve Hall has a hot voice? Really?

The 3D reality, though, is terrible. It's very disappointing. I wouldn't say terrible. I'm trying to champion ugly people this morning. It was a joke. I'm a cross between ugly people this morning. It was a joke. I'm a cross between David Baddiel and Mark Watson. In case you're wondering. But science, which is very, very cool nowadays,

you can't get round the fact, for all its coolness, and its being on trend, it is the regal home of vivisection. I mean, it's very big on gassing things and cutting things off. So, you know, Darwin, they look fairly unharmed. He must have been a good taxidermist. I presume you mean Charles Darwin's pigeons, not John Darwin the Canoe Man's pigeons. Now, didn't you fancy his son?

Of course I did. He was one of my obscure crushes. The son of John Darwin, Canoe Man's pigeons. Now, didn't you fancy his son? Yeah, of course I did. He was one of my obscure crushes. The son of John Darwin, Canoe Man. And I only had one photograph to base it on, and it was quite a serious feature about him in the Sunday Times magazine, and I may have cut it out. He died? John Darwin, the Canoe Man.

And they played Row, Row, Row the Boat at the funeral. I don't know if that's true. No, it's not true. It's believable that John Darwin would have pigeons because that's maybe how he communicated with his wife. I tell you what, there is a very... Because I don't want to say... It's a very interesting place if you're into that sort of thing,

just rubbish stuffed animals. But they have a simulation of a Japanese earthquake, which was top notch. Oh, I think I've done that. So you go into like a supermarket. Supermarket, yeah. And you can see on the CCTV the real thing and the floor's moving under your feet.

Wow. I've been on that, Frank. That's exciting. We went twice. We had two earthquakes. We had an aftershock. That was great. So I'm interviewing Al Gore this week.

So when he brings up earthquakes, I'll say, yeah, I know about earthquakes. I mean, you drop that in, that's quite impressive. I know about earthquakes, Al. Don't have to tell him. I've been there, done that. And on the simulator at the natural... I don't have to tell him that part. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Actually, that's true of alcohol. Is it? It's what he does know that's going to hurt maybe all of us. Yeah. We've just had a text from 8.12 suggesting another Himmler being Sven Gore and Ericsson. Not bad. Not too bad. I love that he's 812.

That's why he listens to us. Oh, perfect, yes. What if he's age 15? Oh, come on. That'd be amazing. Too good to believe. Yeah. So this week saw the bowing out,

speaking of the Natural History Museum, saw the bowing out of one of the greats of British culture, Prince Philip. He's finally retired. Love Philip. He wore a bowler hat and a Columbo mat. That was in the last opera.

Sort of shades of a clockwork orange to that bowler hat. I wish he'd worn the white overalls of the bowler hat and had one eye very made up. That would have been brilliant. But there was something about the bowler hat i wish he'd worn the white overalls and had one eye very made up that would have been brilliant there was something about the bowler hat and the sort of brown mac that did look a bit um removal man in the 40s yeah the gas man yeah yeah i rather liked it and they played for he's a jolly good fellow they used to say that when i was a kid. Some people would say he's got a face as long as a gas man's mack.

Are those the days when the odd job man would dress properly? Yeah, so I suppose it is. You can't get round the end of an era. It absolutely is. But it's kind of weird because obviously he's retiring and you know how

sometimes when people retire they then become more irascible and a bit more racist. Which in his case kind of beggars belief if you can go further than that. Well I think people used to just general extreme comments of all kinds

from the elderly. People used to be more tolerant of than they are now. I mean I was looking forward to that freedom. But I think now, even if your gran says something, you're supposed to really tell them off. I think you're supposed to get their arm really high up their backs as well until they say something different. I found it quite moving.

Because he's done, what was it, 22,219 solo engagements. You know what, I tried to do the math on that, of how many a year. How many a year is that? Can we work out? Can we get some boffins on that, please? I think it's about 322

a year. That's amazing. It's pretty much one a day, this character. It's only a few days off a year. That's amazing. Can that possibly be? Well, there's pretty much one a day, this character. There's only a few days off a year. I mean, imagine the level of small talk he's done. I wonder if there's any he thinks, if he thinks it's more, there's like some that have to go

to the dubious solo engagements committee. Oh, right. Get chalked off technically. Steve, stop wobbling the table. The assist is given to Prince Andrew. Stop wobbling the table, Steve. Reminds her of SOS Titanic. He's the poster boy for plus ones the world over.

He's the poster boy for the get back love, which we've all had. Well, you haven't, Frank. But at the premiere when you turn up and you're with someone famous and they say, get back love. Do you think people just hand him a mobile phone to take a picture of them and the Queen

without saying, would you take a photo? That's what they did to Kath. They just give her the phone and then they put their arm round me and she's supposed to guess the rest and not worry about common politeness. Does she ever then deliberately do a bad photo to... Not deliberately. Well, I had this at the boxing with Frank

and other things I never thought I'd say. And someone said, oh, let's take a picture of you. I thought, I don't want to be on your roll. No, it's... But generally, let me say, people are lovely. They are. What I've been enjoying... Because obviously the coverage of Prince Philip

has been quite in-depth, there's things I didn't know. They've been doing the full list of his quotes. There are things I'd never known. You know the famous ones. Be careful what you're saying. Oh, no, no. No, this is...

Less so the offensive ones. That's not who the greatest is. I loved... Apparently he told a 13-year-old child who wanted to work in space, and he told that child, you're too fat to be an astronaut. And I'd never heard that one

and apparently he said to Tom Jones after a Royal Variety performance he said what do you gargle with? Pebbles? and I quite enjoyed that it doesn't mean anything like so many things that the people laugh at with the Royals doesn't actually mean anything

what does it mean that? he said to the Marines he he said uh you should all be locked up that was his parting shot because they've done a charity run they've done some big yeah yes that might be an insight into his view on the treatment of mental health we don't know he's um we should be nice about him this week i I think. I imagine the local wildlife are a bit nervous to hear that he's retiring from public life. See if he can catch a new koala for the... I didn't know that one of his titles is Baron Greenwich.

That sounds like a tasty geezer. All right, it's Baron Greenwich. I think he sounds like someone from Danger Mouse. Actually, isn't there in someone? Baron Greenback, is it? Yeah, Silas von Greenback. I don't know. I must catch up on Danger Mouse.

Didn't they redo it recently? I've never seen it, darling. I think Alexander Armstrong was one of the voices. He's in everything, Alexander Armstrong. Here's a question. Does the Queen wear a paper crown at Christmas? Alexander Armstrong. Here's a question. 8, 12, 15. Does the Queen wear a paper crown at Christmas? Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, on the subject of royal duties, I learnt recently, and I was really taken aback but wouldn't you say if if you were approaching the age of 100 what is one of the things that you would absolutely expect it would be a signed card from the queen you want that telegram yeah yeah um card from the Queen. You want that telegram, yeah. Yeah.

Now, you get the card from the Queen, but the signature is printed. Is that right? Not actually written. So did it used to be her actual signature? Which is obviously what, what's the point of a printing? Do you remember when I told you I wrote to Dennis Law and asked for his autograph

and he sent me a flyer for shredded wheat? I do remember that. And he's had his printed autograph and I was disgusted. The Queen's doing the same thing. Not that she's been advertising shredded wheat. If Philip gets that in four years' time and it's printed, he'll just be like, come on, Liz, you could have... I think it's poor.

I think her argument is she's getting older and so is everybody else. Aren't we all, dear? Yeah, but the argument is there's more 100-year-olds than there used to be. I wonder how many hundreds... What are they called? Centenarians? Not centurions. Centenarians. Oh, yeah, lovely. Thank you.

But how many are there per year? You'd think she could manage a proper signature. Someone's a hundred. I think that put me off. It did. I think you've got to make a bit more. We've all done signings when you do like a thousand in a go. That's going to keep it going for a bit, surely.

Yeah. Collector's cards, that's what you should get from the Queen. Yeah. The only way I've ever signed my autograph a thousand times is as a teenager, practising. I'll never have that. I'm sorry I brought it up now. Hashtag orcs.

One of the songs that they played for him was Life on the Ocean Wave. Oh, I love that. And I realise that's one of those songs where I don't know any of the words. There are certain songs where you just repeat the title all the way through. A life on the ocean wave. A life on the ocean wave.

A life on the ocean wave. I just repeat that the whole time. The matey remix. Yes. New matey's a bundle of fun or whatever like that, yeah. Yeah, so A Life on the Ocean Wave 2.0. It'll wash the bath as well. That's a little bit before my time.

It advertised it by saying it cleans your bath as well. That was the point of Macy is that you didn't need to the ladies, back in the day it was the ladies. Yeah, probably. They didn't need to do that. They didn't need to scrub the ring. It was all done. Wow. I, probably. Yeah. They didn't need to do that. Didn't need to scrub the ring.

It was all done. Wow. They should bring it back. Yeah. I don't know if it's actually going away. I'm bringing matey back. I think it might still be around. Frank, I like that you just moved on so swiftly from I'm bringing matey back. I don't get that. What does it mean? I'm bringing sexy back

was a Justin Timberlake song. Oh, well, I didn't know what the damn thing meant. I was just moving. Now I'm starting to sound like the Duke of Edinburgh. What about when Tim Rine did an impression, or did it for Let's Dance for Comic Relief, and you were the judge? He had a white hat.

It looked a bit like he worked in Tesco's fish debt department. Oh, I remember that. But he had the white hat and the white suit. That's what he sang. Do you remember? Yes. Yeah. The Duke of Edinburgh looked so red debt department. Oh, I remember that. But he had the white hat and the white suit. That's what he sang. Do you remember? Yes. Yeah. Duke of Edinburgh looked so red at that.

Yeah, he did. His face looked so red. Actually, I've worked out what he looks like, Frank. He looked like he was coming out of Sotheby's moving a work of art with that overall coat and the bowler hat. He was moving a painting from Sotheby's. In the bowler hat, he looked like if Darth Maul had got a job in the city.

That's what he looked like. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I think it was quite a classy departure of Phil's. I'm glad there was no tears or anything like that. Oh, not with Pippi. He just, he didn't even look back. Yeah. And I'm a big fan of that,

because when I leave parties, I do what's called a French goodbye, Steve, which is rude, essentially. I just leave. Don't say that. I don't say goodbye to the host. I thought you were going to say you kiss everyone with tongues in a French goodbye. Well obviously that's an Emily

goodbye. But I just think it's better because I don't want to ruin their evening and if I say I'm going they'll think the whole party's over. And also just that sense that everyone's leaving, it makes you feel panicky. I just let them sit there in their ignorance. Well I've often, I've spent longer

saying goodbye at a party than I spend sort of being at the party, if you know what I mean. And I like to leave without saying goodbye because then I can later claim that I stayed a little bit later than I did. Can I give you a little tip, Ed? Always say, about 11.30 I stayed till. I've been doing it for about 25 years. No one's ever questioned it.

Normally I left at nine. But I say, oh, it's 11. that's 11 30 quarters to 12 midnight gets dangerous because they might notice 11 30 i think people when i leave now they play a life on the ocean wave whatever the next line is well if anyone knows that that i think it begins a life on the ocean wave. It's got to be something like something, something life for me. I had this problem with Frosty the Snowman. My whole life I've gone, Frosty the Snowman.

Was a very. He's got to be was a very. Wasn't he a very something? Very special guy. Or is that Jeremiah? You had a relationship with him? Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Yeah, Jeremiah was a... He was a good friend of mine.

I'm getting a bit worried about Frank's relationship with Frosty the Snowman. I always found Frosty the Snowman a bit aloof. What about you? Like that Doctor No, very negative. Very negative character. I think that there's... There was a bit of sort of anti-royal in the comments.

Oh, was there? What did they say? You know, stuff like, it's not really work, is it? Because I think some people are angry that Jeremy Corbyn had said, congratulations on a very well-earned retirement. Right. And you think, steady on, comrade. Don't knock the house of cards down you've built

now, mate. No one talks about my pippy like that. But when I did the math, I think he's done... I just think it is work, isn't it? Turning up, especially when you're 90. What about when they played Sailing, Rod Stewart? Did they play that?

Yeah. I like it when the band has to play a modern tune. Have you got the set list? For the Royal Marines, farewell to the Duke of Edinburgh. What else would have been on it? I've got it on my... It's a playlist I've got now.

I listen to it every day when I have Can You Wear Stronger? and then the Royal Marines set list. It's all... Star Wars. It was all aquatic themed. Oh, was it? Because of the Marines and his history in the Navy.

So maybe it would have been My Heart Will Go On. They could have done My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. Yeah. I love that one. I love working out to that. If he'd have done something really bad he'd have had to sit on the nautical step.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Do you know what I don't like about the... When they get their most praise, the royals, is when they've done something which the press have decided is down to earth.

And the last thing I want the royal family to be is down to earth. I want them to be at a level of poshness that they operate as like laboratory specimens that you can look at from the outside. That's their job, isn't it? I can look out the window. So obviously he was being praised for the nonchalant way he finished. So would you want him to just kick a peasant?

No, I'm not saying go that far. This sometimes comes out with Steve, though, Frank. He did go to a private school, and privilege sometimes gets the better of him. You're right, though. They were doing it as if he was so down-to-earth. I was wondering what they wanted him to do, like if he kissed the badge or sort of turned it like a...

If he kissed the badge, that would have been great. If it had been like a footballer leaving. I'd have loved that. If he'd have done that clapping above his head. Oh, I'd have loved that. That would have been really... Throwing his shirt into the crowd. Gives his shoes to a ten-year-old child waiting by the gate.

Throwing a towel at a middle-aged man. Resulting in a tussle. What's happened to towel man at Wimbledon? If he had his name printed on his back and just pointed to it with two thumbs. I think he has to have it printed on his front now just sort of as an aide to memoir. And you've wandered around clapping in the manner of sort of Martin Keown at a testimonial.

That would have been great. Yeah. I don't think these things through. No. My pro-royal thing is that there's a lot more gingers now than there used to be. And as the father of a ginger child, I think it's important they have champions.

He used to just be, well, he used to just be the corgis. And then Fergie. Oh, Henry VIII, in fairness. Was he ginger? Oh, was he ever? And, of course, he wouldn't have got any acting work. Yeah, Fergie, of course, who married in it. But now Harry is probably the... Harry's the ginger.

He's the champion. Well, Diana brought it from her family, God rest her soul. Is the gingers in her family? Yeah, her brother. The brother who gave the lovely speech. Duke of Earl? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Him. Was he ginger? Yeah, I think so.

It's all good news. There's a picture of him as a stroppy teenager in the wedding in 1981 and he's got very long, lustrous ginger hair. Calm down dear. They've got Titian in their game. Do you think when they play cards together

the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh that she says stuff like, oh I've just got a me flush. Just got a Jack Queen me and a me flush. The thing is at their age a me flush they The thing is, at their age, a me flush, they might need to reach for the tenor lady, that's it. But do they do jokes about being the queen and stuff?

I really hope they do. I bet it gets old, though, come on. I mean, how old are these people? Yeah, but that's good, because they will remember. They can do the same jokes every day. It's an enormous plus. If they got rid of the royal family, which some people talk about, apparently one of the big problems is who would you put on the coins?

Oh, yeah. Who would you put? Then it would just be national treasures fighting each other. Claire Baldy. Yeah. I would put Gary Lineker. Yeah, I think you, Frank. You could be in the right. Now you're being ridiculous.

Can you imagine if Frank was on a tenor? Oh, come on. When I did have that one, I'd stand with Pavarotti. Yeah, but who would you put on? If you didn't have the Royals? Because, yeah. Well, you'd have to have people who never go out of style. And that's the problem,

is that people get into so many disgraces and scandals. Yeah, you have to have people who never go out of style. Otherwise, if they'd done it 20 years ago, Neil Morrissey would be on the coin. It doesn't make any sense. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do other countries, can I ask this, do other countries have their current monarch on the coins? Oh, good question.

Well, I don't know the answer to that, but... In America, it's like George Washington and stuff. Yeah, it's an old president. Like Donald Trump wouldn't be on a coin. I don't think he'd fit. Mike Pence would just be confusing, wouldn't he? I'd love it if Donald Trump was on a coin

but the hair was just cut off at the end. Didn't quite make it on the whole thing. There's not a poor Donald. I've had a suggestion from Susie Applin. You're familiar with her, Frank? Yes. Acclaimed producer and an idea friend. She says David Attenborough.

Has to be. What do you think of that suggestion? He needs to sort the koalas out at the Natural History Museum, first of all. I hadn't thought... Someone who wasn't a sort of statesman type. Is he national treasure then? Is he liable to be,

is there anything going to come out about David Attenborough? Because once you've stamped the coins, you don't want a scandal. Is that from when he was controller of BBC Two?

Oh yeah. Well I just think of all those, all those antelopes he's allowed to be tear to pieces for the entertainment. Oh that would be

how heartbreaking if there was like an outtake from a lonely planet or something like that. With him actually tearing apart an antelope. Are you familiar with Frank Hughes on David Attenborough? No, no. OK, Frank, would you just remind Steve?

Are there Catherine Jenkins levels? No, I just find that if I saw an antelope by a waterhole and a lion was coming, I would shout, lion! I wouldn't just, I wouldn't not only let it happen, but film it. I like, so almost like you're playing football, like you're shouting, man on! Would you feel happy about filming, if you was out in the jungle and you saw a lion ripping apart an antelope,

would you feel happy about filming it? That's a good question. Or would you think, after this is a bit ghoulish? You can't call David Attenborough ghoulish. He's a natural history expert. So you're like his entire career in natural history is some kind of

weird fetish. Not a fetish necessarily but I wouldn't If it happens, it happens. He thinks it's amoral to stand by. I think to not warn somebody who's got a lion creeping... You can't warn the antelope. Why not?

Well, how are you going to tell them? You just shout. So do you reckon there's an outtake when the little lizard escapes the snakes that you can actually, in the background here, Attenborough go, oh, damn, he got away.

I bet if you was to look back at those old ones, you'd see the odd six-inch nail right through the antelope's hoof. I suppose Churchill's, you're obvious. Yeah. Yeah, but people would probably object to him now. No, they probably would. Do you know what I mean?

Too associated with smoking. Cigars. And the obesity crisis. Let's face it. The smoking thing, that's why the French don't have Joan of Arc. We've always got to go for fictional characters. It'll have to be sort of Mr. Ben or Roy. Sherlock Holmes.

What about that Obelix? He's got a lot of air time this morning with the blue and white trousers. Roy of the Rovers. Roy Cropper. He sums up. Andy Cap. What about Shakespeare? That's neutral.

Yes. He's on the money already. No, but on the coins. Oh, on the coins. That's neutral. Yes. He's on the money already. No, but on the coins. Oh, on the coins. It's interesting. These very famous, like Jane Austen, they get on the notes. They get on the money.

But the Queen keeps the coins to herself. You're right, she won't share those coins. No. Anyway. What else? We've had a text from 653 on the subject of natural history. 653 went to the Natural History Museum in Ulaanbaatar in Mongolia. Wow.

And said that there was a parrot hanging upside down from its perch and the fish had googly eyes stuck on. Why do they say googly eyes? Like joke shop eyes? Those ones on springs. The parrot, that could happen over time, couldn't it, the parrot gradually

slide round. Do you know what? If I was going to commit any sort of act of vandalism, that would be, I'd sneak into the Natural History Museum, I've got contacts everywhere, and stick on those googly eyes onto all the exhibits. I would love that. Albino koala with the googly eyes.

If you saw them, it would only embellish. Because you might get away with it for decades because there's so many animals there, it could just be... They just need some more sawdust. I'd get away with it. I'd be like the Scooby-Doo villain. I'd be like the caretaker. This is the Marty Feldman parrot. Yeah.

He said, what's the... You're very politically correct, Steve. This is the Marty Feldman parrot. Yeah. You're very politically correct, Steve. What's the PC stance on taxidermy in 2017? I think it's still acceptable, I'm going to guess, but presumably you have to have written consent from the parrot or something like that. I think it's all right with roadkill. That's what I want to do, is I want to collect roadkill and then put together a composite animal of the surviving... Frank, someone's suggesting Ozzy Osbourne on a coin, Andy and Lynx.

That's not going to work. No, I think you might find he's got... Actually, his skeletons aren't even in the cupboard. I think he destroyed the cupboard with his bare hands. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. After you.

See, this never happens in acting. I know, it's so true. Let's do that again. It's so true. It happens in life. Yeah, it always happens in life. Steve? Well, we've been talking about Prince Philip standing down after a very long time. Yeah. Of course, in the news this week, there was someone who left their job

after a very short time. Oh, yeah. Mr Scaramucci. Anthony Scaramucci. The Mooch. Can no one say anything about Fandango, please? Because that's a very basic bloke. There's been a lot of people doing that on Twitter and I won't tolerate it.

Yeah. And it's interesting, my mind goes more to Scaramanga from the Bond films oh I like that in you that's not good, that gets the thumbs up yeah it does, I like that yeah, who's the one in Enemy of the World when Patrick Troughton plays the doctor and the enemy, isn't he called something like

Scaramanda oh yeah, I'll probably know that, let me have a think oh no I don't yes, well this plug came out of nowhere and like Scaramanda. Oh yeah, I'll probably know that. Let me have a think. Oh no, I don't. Yes, well this plug came out of nowhere and what I liked is that someone said that Mr Trump, President Trump, thought that

his comments to a reporter were inappropriate for a person in that position. This is from Donald Trump. And man, you've really got to go off the scale if Trump's going, oh, hold on a minute. Remember where we are. But the people with the MAGA caps,

they don't like... They like to work clean. What, the Make America Great agains? Yeah, sitting on the porch on the rocking chair. I don't know. Some of the things that he has said about ladies for example they seem to forgive that all right oh that's okay yeah but you just can't use category c swear words no which i believe he did yeah and to a journalist on the record that's the most remarkable thing

it's not just it wasn't on a hot mic or something like that it was he specifically phoned a journalist to say these ridiculous things but i know we all have our problems with President Trump, but has there ever been a more exciting time in American politics? It's fabulous. Every day. It's amazing. It's like Captain America Civil War. It's like everyone's falling out,

and it's endlessly... I've stopped watching box sets. You don't need to watch any entertainment at all. You know when he said he wanted to get rid of fake news, he's done it by replacing it with so much real news there's no room for. Fake news sounds pretty tame. They do say the secret to happiness

in all these self-help books and all sorts of therapy and things and retreats, they always say the secret to that is to really not care what others think of you. And in fairness, that is how he lives his life. I have a grudging respect for it. I would have been up all night thinking this will look really bad. I can't

get rid of him already. I sort of think that he does care about how people think about him. He just said he misjudges it a bit. I mean, I can't get round the fact that he's endlessly fascinating you know why no other american president has ever been yeah like people like a hundred years from now when we history lessons at school when you write about

the significant figures of the past you can you know there are reasons why someone did what they did whereas i feel sorry for any history student a 100 years from now writing about this period. So we go, what were the motivations? He goes, well, he was just a bit sleepy. I'm jellybags of anyone writing about this. I think it's brilliant. But I do like that Scaramucci said he was focusing on his family, who appear to have all abandoned him,

and his work in the private sector. Well, my favourite thing he said was that he hated the backstabbing in washington and where he come from they went in for front stabbing yeah yeah yeah and i'm all for front stabbing he really was that's that's a good thing like he was like an extra from saturday night fever yes the way he would say something i'm more i worry about people that say you know the neighborhood i grew up you know i was thinking that say, you know, the neighbourhood I grew up in, I always think, oh... On Main Street. You know when you get to someone's house and you say, I parked my car, and they go, oh, round here.

You want to be careful. And you think, oh, don't. Met yourself a hero. Because two years ago, somebody hit somebody in a pub three miles away. How he left, but we were talking about leaving. He said, I'm going to go dark for a while. I think that's quite classy. He said, I'm going to go dark for a while. I think that's quite classy. He said, I'm going dark. And I like

that. He's going underground. It's very Lex Luthor, isn't it, approach to departure. I'm hoping he remains in the public eye. I'm thinking I might like Scaramucci. Good for him. And what's the shortest job you've ever had? 8, 12, 15. We've had a few responses already to what's the shortest time you've ever been in a job.

Yeah. 567 says, The shortest job I ever had was in 2009. I was late for my first day in a call centre. I got so angry and flustered, I reversed into an air conditioning unit on the side of the building when trying to park. I got out, looked at the damage and thought,

stuff this, and drove home. So never got inside. Oh, never got inside. What I'd like to do, if I made a short film about this, is to cut to everyone dead in the office from heat exposure. David Hatton, bro. What about 718?

Hi, Frank, I once had a job watching machines make football scarves, and my only job was to stop the machine if the cotton reel was about to run out. I lasted three days. That's not bad. My uncle who got me the job could not understand why I'd given up such a good job that's Stefan from Nottingham it's a good job

if you want to someone in a pub says what do you do you've got the conversation he's suddenly rocking straight away I work on the football scarf machine I'd be happy with that if you're watching the cotton and your name's Joe and you'd be cotton with that. If you're watching The Cotton and your name's Joe,

and you'd be Cotton Eye Joe, that would be the... Oh, that would be good. Have you had any short jobs? I was fired from a job after two days. I was doing pot wash at a local restaurant. I beg your pardon? What's that, you wash pots? Yeah, it's literally just the washing up boy, and I was so terrible at it,

a bloke just directly went, get out of third gear. And they took me to one side after my second day and they basically said, this is the wrong job. They really appreciated it. They said, you're a nerd, you need to do something with computers, anything physical you can't do.

Considering they'd only known you two days, they were over-familiar. But you know what? I love Get Out of Third Gear. Oh, that's good. I mean, about washing pots, the idea that there is a fifth gear when it comes to washing pots.

It's the thing, when I'm doing the washing up, I sometimes say it to myself as a little pet me up, Get Out of Third Gear. Well, I suppose, yeah, if you're doing it slow, if you're a it slow. Yeah, well, I... If you're a lot luster. Well, and that's the thing, I was taking pride in the work, so I was trying to make sure they were clean.

What's wrong with third gear? I mean, this was the 80s, I presume, or pre-speeding, when it was considered good to go fast. Now, third gear is the ideal gear, I would say. Well, what about yourself? I've had a few. But I worked for... I did canvassing for the Liberal Democrats

for nine hours. Nine hours, and that was it? Yeah, because I did some hours the day before and then I did three the next morning. Did you wear a rosette? Yellow sweatshirt with a shirt underneath? No. I did it, and they would listen in to your phone call,

and you'd have to go through these sort of... And I remember going through these and thinking... Oh, you weren't knocking on doors. I didn't do that. I did it on the phone. And then I worked in a vintage clothes shop, but I smoked all day, so I made the clothes smell. Ah. In Brighton.

But their clothes are supposed to smell in vintage. I thought, but I don't think they want fresh smoke to smell vintage. Well, that's what I thought, but I don't think they want fresh smoke all over it. No, maybe not. When I was a student, yeah. I did a day as crew at Birmingham Rep. Mm. And it was such hard work.

I remember having to climb up these ladders with weights to put on the flies, you know, to get the curtains going. Yeah. And this guy, the bloke who was running the crew was called Sebastian. I'd never met anyone with a name even like that before. And I remember going there, I was so pleased I'd got the job and excited and thinking I'll probably end up as one of these actor managers like Sir Donald Wharfish with my own travelling company and all that

and I never went there too and you know I still look back and think that could have been a great I should have stopped with it, I could have been a theatre person there like you know Hugh Binky Beaumont, one of those sort of

entrepreneurs so yeah, so if you're listening, Sebastian, or anyone who knew him, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I just never got out of third gear. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet from Jules the Chef who says, a good pot washer is worth their weight in gold, and they're always in fifth gear. He actually said, Steve, and that was very nice of you to correct, he actually said they were always in five gear. Yes. Which I prefer in some ways.

And I was a big fan of five. I was wearing lots of their merch. Yeah. Everybody get up. I think that was another thing he said to you. It is simply not good enough, if you're washing butts. I had no complaints

when I was ousted from my post. What, not even rosacea? So, what else? We've already spoke to Steve. Yeah, we want to know what's know if we already spoke to Steve. Yeah, we want to know what's going on in your life, Steve. Well, it's nice.

I sort of, I'm enjoying, I always encourage Alan to do the Edinburgh Festival, if possible, because it means I might get to cover on this. So it's a sort of yearly dipping my toe back in the absolute waters. But if anyone's seen Alan, spotted him up there, the show or just on the street, keep us posted. Where's Cocky, we could call it.

Sort of, where are you, Mark? From the Big Breakfast motif. They used to do a thing in the papers, things like the Daily Sketch. Would have a thing that, our man, he's at Southend-on-Sea

today. And if you approach him and you're carrying a copy of the paper you get £5 or something like that don't hold your breath with Alan if you are £5 you are Alan Cochran and I claim my £5 you're not going to get £5 that won't work

you might get a cuddle so Steve, sorry you were about to tell us about your life. When I did it last night, I think I barely mentioned them. So, since I've been last, probably, I now have two children. I have my daughter Polly. Congratulations. There's three. My son Joe is one.

Lovely. And they just started nursery a fortnight ago, and it's very, very weird. They started together? Yeah, yeah. Starting together, Sue Pollard. Oh, I don't know that one. Oh, that was for a... Don't you know they were starting together?

Oh, Miss Cathcart. That's what I think about. No one didn't know she had a single out. She did. That's the trouble with those spaghetti straps. She was married to one of my gay godfathers. Oh, yeah, Was he a policeman? No.

I'll talk. So I've been enjoying... I have relatively free time for the first time in three years. And it's odd, like, the little tasks you think you're going to do. I live in rented accommodation, and there's a fairly filthy old fireplace there. And so I thought, now the children are out of the house, I shall investigate where the chimney sweeps still exist uh because i wasn't trying i thought it was a potential even whatever happened to but no because it's it's a an industry

that thrives uh you know i think it's probably because they've got vans now when i was a kid you would literally see them walking around with brushes and ladder on their backs. Did you? Yeah. They were peripatetic. Oh, yeah, they were. And dirty, really dirty faces. Yeah. As lucky as lucky can be. I've heard.

Well, I think I romanticised what it would be. And then when a man just does a thoroughly professional job, doesn't make a mess. Was he clean? He was absolutely clean. He was really polite. And I was kind of heartbroken. I wanted a sort of sooty-faced urchin to come in and say,

Go on, blimey, Mr. All, your chimney states are right, old state. You want some ankle-clicking from a sweep. So how long does it take, a chimney job? He did it in 25 minutes. Wow! It was absolutely brilliant. You're right, though. I didn't know they still existed.

It's the sort... Did you look in yellow pages? I did the internet equivalent. J.R. Hartley. My name is Steve Hall. You must have written a book about fly fishing. I'd have put money on that. It's a much smuttier version.

fly fishing I'd have put money on that it's a much smuttier version this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio we've had a text from 011 what from 0?

oh ok out in the left wing who's up in Edinburgh and they said I've seen Alan in fact I am Alan I'm enjoying the show, everyone. Looking forward to having to give out a fiver.

Not. And I've double-checked, I've cross-referenced the numbers, and it is the man himself. Well, if he's enjoying the show, it must not be going that well. Yeah, but the fact that he's spent the 50p. No, no, don't start on that. I say it with love. Al, we love you. There you go.

I'm glad I've verified that it is Alan. I cross-referenced with my own phone. Don't stop showing off. My favourite story of the week involves mistaken identity, so I wanted to confirm it was Alan. Oh, yeah. Because did you hear about the priests in Cardiff? I've told you not to tell jokes like that, I'd say, with Frank here.

He hates jokes that start like that. Seven priests went into a pub. They were asked to leave the bar, weren't they? They were indeed. The city arms in Cardiff. They come in for a quiet drink. Well, we don't know that. They could be.

They came in for a raucous drink. I think one of them had been ordained. I think you'll find it was Father Peter McLaren had been ordained that day. Ah. OK. And so they were celebrating that. And these clowns at the City Arms

said, sorry, no can do. Well, yes, so they assumed... Well, they had a no-fancy-dress policy at the City Arms, so the priests... Yeah. It was ruined. apparently one of the priests had some false boobs on so that made it a bit

I don't think that is true take that back I rescind my comments they felt very bad when they found out and they got them free drinks but I liked

I've read a lot about this story because I enjoyed it there were a number of photographs one they had the pint but then I saw another slightly more off-duty photograph and there was two orange juices and a white wine ah i mean they weren't going to get jaeger bombers were they these chaps i thought they'd all had a pint of guinness yeah any seven men standing

behind seven pints of guinness would look like priests it sounds to me like it was a conga waiting to happen. Yeah. If they'd left by conga. A conga-gregation, if they're priests. Well, no, that is good. That is very good. In Exmouth Market, which is in East London, getting on for East London, isn't it? I had some Jesuits hail me a cab once.

And I loved those Jesuits. How many were there? There were quite a few of them. I think there Jesuits. It's always made me like the Jesuits. There were quite a few of them. I think there'd been a similar... Do they get ordained as well? Does that happen across the board? Yes, it's an order, but they're all the same. Well, they'd had a similar thing.

They were celebrating someone being made. Oh, being made. Yeah, it was lovely. I don't really go in pubs much now. Do religious types still go in to collect in pubs? What does that mean? Well, for example, the Salvation Army used to go in selling the war cry, their newspaper. Oh, I see.

Does that still happen? I can't recall seeing that. Oh, no. There used to be a guy who had come from the local Catholic hospice, Irish guy, and my mate always called him Irwin. And I always thought his name was Irwin. And he just checked that out. It was an old guy.

It turned out he called him Irwin because Irwin was Rommel's first name. And this old Irish guy, if you put money in his tin, would say, many tanks. Many tanks. And because Rommel had many tanks, that's how he got the name. Yeah. Oh, man. Fantastic.

What a journey. Have you ever been mistaken for anyone that you're not? Well, yes. One of the former controller of BBC One thought I was a waitress. And I was in a dressing room and held, I won't name the sex of the person because they might give it away, but held their hand out

for champagne from me. I was wearing a black jumper and a white shirt in fairness, but it was thrust at me the hand in such an imperious manner and I didn't know quite what to do really so I poured it to

the top but then I made a point of going around hugging everyone to make it absolutely clear that this person had made a terrible faux pas. Never worked again, dear. Do you remember an actor called Ronald Fraser? I do. He came up to me at the British Comedy Awards and said, any news on my car? And I said, I'll find out.

And I went over to one of the things, and I said, Ronald Fraser is looking for his car. That's very nice of you. I hadn't got the heart to say, how dare you? I don't mind it when they ask me. Dara O'Brien asked me for a coffee once and I didn't mind. I was producing a TV show. He said, can you get us a coffee, love?

I quite liked it. What about when I was a driver who spoke to me for ages about what a big fan he was of mine and how funny. And he thought when he first came to this country, my show was the only show he watched. And he thought it was hilarious. And then after all that, he said, do you still see the actress who played Betty? Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening today. I'm off to do a podcast with Josh Widdicombe about 90s football.

So listen to that. That's my advice. Legend! Thank you very much, Steve, who will be back next week. And keep those texts coming in. We want to keep a track on the cockerel. We've had another sighting of the cockerel, which I might save for next week. And keep those texts coming in. We want to keep a track on the cockerel. We've had another sighting of the cockerel, which I might save for next week.

Okay, lovely. So, yes, bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.