The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Play Centre

Episode Date: January 30, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's Frank's Birthday week! He discusses his gifts and his trip to the Science Museum. It's also been the week of 'Slummy Mummies' and placenta eating celebs. Plus Frank's having issues with his Gregory Peck...

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. As you've probably already guessed, if you know the show, you can text us on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show through the Absolute Radio website. Emails, that'll be the next thing, isn't it? They do one for the marathons. Just do them at home on your phone.

Why not? Less strain on the joints. Good point. Can I begin with a tweet that we had recently? Sure. It wasn't this morning, a few days back. This is from, I can't actually understand the Twitter. There you go, I think it's

atbamalula is it based on is it based on that? that was quite erotic, I like you doing that who says talking about nominative determinism which we were discussing last week oh yes, this is when, does your name

have an effect on your career choice? Yes. Well, at Bamalua... Yeah. What about bamboo? You didn't finish it. You mean...

Bamboo! Yes. What does he do, then? If his name had an effect on his career choice? He falls downstairs in a deep-sea diving outfit. He sells bamboo furniture, maybe. Oh, OK. It says, Frank. Oh, OK.

It says, Frank equals honest direct speech. Skinner equals unpeels the facade to reveal the hidden truth. Very good. Found it as my real name. Next. We've also had an email, I think, that is also about nominative determinism, because the title of the email is Names That Lead To Jobs. Oh, I like it, I like it.

Yes. Hello, Frank, Alan and the gorgeous Emily. Keen podcaster here. I really like this one. Yeah. Thought so. Keen podcaster here. Watching TV this quiet Friday night when the weather came on the TV

presented by Sarah Blizzard. This reminded me of your podcast the other week where names lead people into their jobs. If only it had been Sahara Blizzard. Oh, yeah. That would have been fantastic. That's the stuff dreams are made of, isn't it? Yeah, but that's well spotted.

What about Wincy Willis? It's a bit wincy today. People might say that sometimes. No, that doesn't work at all. If they have a problem with D's and C's in their pronunciation like some people do Quincy Willows would work wouldn't it

what are you talking about well hang on don't have a go at him Frank what are you talking about you just said Quincy Willows I'm just trying to think off the top of my head as it were of another weather person we should say it's been a lovely morning because we celebrated your birthday belatedly, Frank. Gaudete, gaudete. I don't know why I did that. It's completely irrelevant to my birthday.

Bit of Latin. Yes, that was very lovely. Emily bought me, I don't know what it's called, but it's a sort of sleep hat. And if you've seen these, you put it on, there's a tiny hole to breathe through, and then if you're on a... We were saying if you're on a train or a plane, you can just lol. And I don't mean laugh out loud.

I mean lol as in the old term. It's absolutely hideous. I would describe it as a sort of a feathered, sort of padded, stuffed balaclava, if you will. Feathered? But with just a mouth hole. Or is it a nose hole? I think it's mouth and nose.

I like the fact that you wouldn't put it on because you'd already waxed your hair. I had respect for that. I didn't want sleep cone hair. I'm calling it a sleep cone now. It's radio. It's a thing, though, that the word lol, as in when your head lols to one side,

is that gone forever now? Yeah. Because when I said then I'd be on the train and I'd just lol, you both looked at me as if I'd laugh out loud. No. If I did laugh out loud at night, you'd just go... Frank, can you also share the last thing. Can you say... If I did laugh out loud at night, it'd just go... Yeah. Frank, can you also share the other thing you got?

We got you a lovely gift, didn't we, the radio show? Oh, yes. Actually, I should read this. Yeah, OK. Daines is racing across to get it. Since you clicked your fingers. We got Frank another gift, which is from all of us. They actually got me the blue plaque that the Heritage Society has never given in to. I've been bought a blue plaque by the team,

and it's a proper... I'm going to bang on it for you here. It's metal. So it really does look completely authentic, and it says, Frank Skinner, born... LAUGHTER Comic, loyal friend and a bit of a git. Which is, I must say, a fair

summary. Not sure about the loyal friend bit, but we'll let it pass. I don't like the tense implied in the last lived here. But hey, maybe you know something I don't know. Wouldn't have thought so, generally speaking. Extraordinary.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet from at Channelswimmer. A Channelswimmer? Well, they've called themselves at channel swimmer. That's their Twitter moniker. Okay. Saying, a blue plaque, what a lovely idea.

Not sure how you're going to guess it on the Central Reservation, though. For those of you who don't know, I used to occasionally sleep on the Central Reservation of major roads in Birmingham due to, let's call it ill health, induced by drink. I was saying that what I'd like to do at Absolute, home of real music, no, where real music matters, is, is that what it's called?

Is that right? Something like that, isn't it? Well, hang on, what's the no repeat guarantee then? Oh, that's old hat, as they say in the sleeping business. What is it? Old sleep hat. Yeah. That's what they're going to call me, old sleep hat.

I'll be there like, that's the version of old blue eyes. You know, old sleep hat, as they call him. I was going to put my full face sleep hat on and get into Absolute early in the morning, go to the zoo, which is the communal kitchen area, in a suit and tie, and just lie on the floor asleep in there and just see what the response was they wouldn't know it was me because i'd be a mouth

and nose would they approach me or would they just call the police immediately that's a good question this is like one of those tree falls in the forest questions i don't know yeah it is the reason i like that pillow face thing or whatever it's called if a comedian falls in the zoo go on carry on i'll be there in a jiffy. It's because I think there's something a bit Doctor Who-ish about it. No, it has the early Cyberman. Well, that's exactly it. Mondasian.

Yes, it has that sort of... When they used to go... I don't know what... They had a sort of a slightly camp sort of Jimmy Carter voice in the early days. What about C-3PO? They used to open their mouth, but the lips didn't follow. So the mouth would open and they'd say, Step into the ship immediately.

Really? Yeah, slightly. Oh, if you don't mind. Yeah. I didn't put the sleep hat on. I did do the hands thing. Can I hold on? Yes, you did.

I apologise. Sorry. I didn't put your sleep hat on because I feel like, you know, you don't want to put your head in it, mine having already been there on the day you got it. That wouldn't be right. Yeah, it's like... We do that in hotels all the time, if you think about it.

We lay on the pillows of strangers. I had never thought about it like that. How dare you? I mean, they... I've laid on the pillows of strangers before. No, I didn't do that, actually. Yes, I did. I did do that. Strange trip

down memory lane. It was, yeah. I always used to prefer to go back to theirs, because I always think that... I don't want to know where you chose to go back. I just don't want to know. No, honestly, I used to... You know it's not even half eight yet, do you? I honestly used to think... I used to prefer to go back to theirs. The reason is not

disgusting. The reason I used to prefer to go back to this. The reason is not disgusting. The reason I used to prefer to go back to this, I always think a murder in your own flat is a much bigger event. There's much more. So there's less chance of me being murdered. Do you know what I mean? If you kill someone in your own flat, that's a lot of stuff you've got to do to get clear up.

So they were less likely to murder you. Yeah, in my own, where in my own flat, they're gone. But, you know, that's a little tip, a little tip there for the philanderers listening. For the paranoid philanderers. The paranoid philanderers. What a band they were. Great.

I saw them at Brixton Academy in 98. They were absolutely in top form. Why didn't you go to a hotel? They weren't playing at a hotel. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. at a hotel. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Me by gun, me by gun,

me by gun mill corner. Like that. An early dip into the corner. Isn't it? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, further to your Atticus Finch eyewear banter last week... We should explain that.

I ordered some new spectacles and they are called... The name of them... Every spectacle's frame has its own name I discovered. Yes. And Roddy would have been a good one.

Why? Roddy Frame? No? No. Okay. Is he Aztec Camera? No. You know what, I've got to say, I know the name, I know I can't remember his name. I think he's Aztec Camera.

I think he is Aztec Camera. So he's years ahead of his time. Anyway, these are called Gregoryregory peck my the one my new ones yeah and um because in the film to kill a mockingbird he wore gregory peck wore spectacles like this in his role as atticus finch we also talked about whether it was nominative determinism that g Peck played Atticus Finch. Oh, yeah. So intertwined.

Anyway, pray continue. Were you aware that your Gregory Pecks is actually Cockney rhyming slang for your Specks? No, is the answer to that. So not only is Frank now the proud owner of a new pair of Gregories, he's the proud owner of some Gregory Peck Gregories, he's the proud owner of some Gregory Pet Gregories. That's great. Isn't it? Incidentally, I also wear glasses and I'm an architect.

I can confirm the frames are neither round nor coloured in a European architect way. I also do not own a black polo neck jumper. Jolly good luck to you all. Paul Jolly. Oh, that's what he's done. Oh, man, he luck to you all. Paul Jolly. Oh, that's what he's done. Oh, man, he's intertwined himself. Paul Jolly. That's an

excellent, if that's his first email to the show, he's knocked it out of the park there. I like an architect called Jolly. Is that nominative determinism that Paul Jolly has sent in a funny Well, no, it would be if he was a comic. No, but he's sent in a Jolly email. Okay. Would it be not nominative determin be if he was a comic. No, but he's sent in a jolly email.

OK. Would it be not nominative determinism if he was, like, an upbeat kind of character? Yes. If he read the word jolly every day and then, oh, oh. Maybe as an architect he goes on quite a lot of jollies. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll take that as well. But on their jollies they drink a lot of red wine.

They're not into the beer or anything like that. No, that's probably true. Can I say on the black polo neck sweater that I noticed the other day, I did this show on what I like to call the iPlayer. Yeah. And I've really started to notice my throat on it. I've been on BBC Throat Watch. It's my new project.

And you know you get to an age where the throat starts to go a bit turkey-esque. One word, Frank? Beard. Two words, big beard. Oh, the boy George. The boy George effect. I know, but I'm thinking

more Scroobius Pip, like fully No, I don't want him with a beard. I haven't had a Scroobius Pip for years. I think... I'm thinking that the black polo neck kind of thing could be the answer for me. Yeah. Because then you're just peering over...

Or maybe an Elizabethan Roth. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. If I did the shows in that, just on that show. Something about that show, it seems to just get right into the throat area. Or an actor's cravat. But I like, because the rest of my face, though I say it shouldn't, is a bit younger.

What's that? Is that my, that's my chair. That's not me moving my throat. It's the vanity alarm. It's the vanity alarm. That's the wind, the wind catching the dewlaps of my throat. It's the vanity alarm. It's the vanity alarm. That's the wind. The wind catching the dew laps of my throat. Anyway,

so I think it would be like the throat of Dorian Gray. So the throat would be hidden away in the attic of my in the atticus of my roll neck jumper. Where the young face people, not young face, but you know what I mean. This is why the new procedure

for ladies who are fond of surgery is the hands, because they're the giveaway apparently. Oh yeah. Yes. So they get youth injections in their hands. A man once said to me that he always looked at the elbows of a woman to tell their age. Oh, he doesn't sound odd.

In fact, we've had some reviews in. He was arrested shortly after that. About your glasses. Oh, yeah. We've got Joe 90's let himself go a bit. Yeah. But then...

Yeah, that's in the throat. It's as simple as that. They're focused on the throat. But then that person has swiftly followed up with, no, comma, you look great. I like that was no. I'm going to give you that. Yeah, thanks.

There's nothing better than grudging praise. Because then you feel like you've earned it. Yeah. Okay, well, that's all good. If we could hop back to Paul Jolly's email, I also do not own a black polo neck jumper. Can I say I really like that? Because I think more of us should define ourselves

by what we do not own than what we do, isn't it? Isn't it a materialistic world where people are like, oh, I've got a flash car, I've got this, I've got that? Whereas he's told us quite a lot about himself by saying, I don't own a black puller. No, I think that's right. That's true, Al. We haven't got a garlic press in our house.

That tells me quite a lot about you. Yeah, yeah. I like that. You could be the new Gillian McKees. It's not we are what we eat, we are what we haven't got. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What haven't I got what we haven't got. Yeah.

I haven't got one of those big mouth Billy Bass fishes on a plaque in my house. That's it. Everything else you've been sent for nothing. I haven't got anything written by anyone involved in Top Gear. In my house. I have three bookcases in my house.

There's not an Andy McNabb to be found. You should remedy that. Get Bravo 2-0 at least. I knew when I said that I looked it out. I knew I had looked to the long source for congratulations. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. We've had correspondence in.

Good. I'm going to call this character Voice of Controversy. OK. He says, this is 876, I don't want to take the wind out of Paul Jolly's sails. That's good. But as a devout Londoner, I must contest. It is my understanding that Gregory Peck is cockney rhyming slang for neck as opposed to specs. So when I was talking about my old Gregory Peck was what I was talking about.

My throat? Yeah. Throat still counts as neck? Surely your throat's your neck. No, I think that's boat. Boat, throat. I know it is. That's boat rice face.

Yes. He continues. What's wrong, Frank? Slept a bit funny. Having trouble with my Gregory. Long may he remain jolly, despite this. Kind regards, Nick Corrector. P.S. Not actual surname.

Good work. I love Nick Corrector. Now, that's very fine. Can I just take this opportunity to say that he's not alone in texting in that Gregory Peck is neck, because I think a lot of people that know Cockney Rhyme in slang have taken it. Remember I once made a mistake.

I called a skillet... Not Descartes. No, no, not that one. Don't even mention it, Brian. My other big mistake. I thought we'd gone back there. I said skillet or... You did.

And meant something else, and the text messages blew up the whole system. My theory was that you had to make a mistake to get people to text in. That's why we don't get many texts on this show. Because it's perfect. I love a mistake. But now this chat has got...

Well, this is good, because it's not our mistake. Yeah, it's perfect, isn't it? 101 has also texted, Al, you were asking what don't we own and what does that say about us, which I think is rather fine. He says, judge people by what they don't own. I don't own a microwave because I'm a loose cannon and I don't live by society's rules.

Tom, Seven Oaks. Good for him. Yeah? It'd be good if he said I don't have a strap on my camera because I'm a loose camera. Oh, Mark's so relieved you said that. Well, I don't think we should, I mean, if Paul Jolly's

made a mistake, I never thought I'd be brandishing the name Paul Jolly about with such gay abandon, but I am. If Paul Jolly's, if he's made a mistake, it's still a funny email that he sent. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm torn between Jolly and Corrector. Oh, yes.

Which team are you? Well, I always think when the crowd, if the crowd say Jolly, I say Corrector. Nice. So I have a general debate about it. Can I just say, Daisy, the producer, has absolutely lost it. I'm sorry to hear that. No, I think the Cockney thing is bins, isn't it?

Nice pair of bins for spectacle. Oh, was that what they meant when they shouted that at me? Yes, that's what it was. Unless you were working on the bins at the time, which I find unlikely. But where does that come from? If there's any more Cockneys listening, just get someone else to mind the stall for a second

and let us know why they're called bins. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some news in regarding Bins. You're asking where you thought that came from, that cockney rhyming slang? For spectacles, we should just say.

Not Bins as in refuse. Robert says, I would suggest the word Bins comes from binoculars. Oh yes, that makes sense Although not rhyming No It's an abbreviation Well you say that

But Daz in Sheldon says bins and receptacles Is spectacles in Cockney Bins and receptacles Wow that can't be right I can't imagine a Cockney having the word Receptacles Well don't underestimate the Cockney Well I don't know a cockney having the word... Receptacles. Well, don't underestimate the cockney. Well, I don't know, I just wouldn't

have imagined it was part of their lexicon. Just because they liked a public hanging doesn't mean they were fools. Who didn't when it was available? And a horse at a funeral, lovely. Horse at a funeral? Yeah. And all black and the chrome with all the feathers. Very dignified, I like that. When I lived

in Hoxton, I used to see the occasional sort of gangster funeral. Lovely, I must say. Yeah. But what else would you say? When you say must funeral. Especially at a gangster funeral. You mean you must. Exactly.

You think, yeah, you want to be an observer, not the man out. I think I would have made a good gangster's mole. You would? Yeah, do you? I think... I know it's a strange career ambition, but, you know, I don't know, I imagine one has

to know when to speak up and when to hold one's peace. Oh, I don't think I'd have been so good at the second bit. No. Yeah. And I've been holding my peace for years. But I would say that I would be an edgy gangster's mole. I could have been a gangster's mole, they're not all heterosexual.

Anyway, we've had a text in from 614. I mooted the idea that we should be defined by what we don't own rather than what we do. It's a great idea. Frank, I do not own a holster for my Nokia mobile phone. I too

like to live dangerously. And he followed it up almost immediately with another text nor do I have a baby on board sign for my car despite having three children presumably they're not all babies I know someone who had a baby on board sign in his car

and he was a vivisectionist and I just thought it was bad taste what about Mark Phoenix what about him he's not back is he and I just thought it was bad taste. What about Mark Phoenix? What about him? That's all. He's not back, is he? He's tweeted us. He's risen again.

Was he in ash? He was in ash for a bit. That's right, yeah. Hot, hot in it. He says, a melon baller. I live in constant dread that come the hour

a melon must be balled and I'll be found wanting. Oh yeah, a melon baller. I don't think I have one of those. I've got one in the shape of a wild cat. It's a jay cougar melon baller. Oh, dear, that was a bit of a struggle. Can we do that again, Steve?

Shall we just leave it? Live? Oh. I'll be all right, then. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? Well, I was just going to mention,

I think this is a definitive answer, which is bins equals binoculars. You know why? Because it's from John the cabbie in East London. I mean, come on. He'll know, won't he? Yeah. He sounds like the kind of character that might say, South River, this time of night. Do they still say

that? I think occasionally. When I first came to London, I had a couple of those. I used to live, um, I used to live on a council estate, which was, um, it was quite a nice, it was actually absolutely fine, but they wouldn't go into it. I thought I was trying to ambush them. I mean, me.

Oh, the cab drivers wouldn't? Yeah, so they made me get out at the end and walk in. And there was a lot of people used to say, oh, they won't go this, they won't go south of the road. Why are we even talking about this? This is tedious in the extreme. I apologise to everyone. God, it nearly went ballet link. No, it never. Nowhere near.

It'll never go ballet link again. I'm backing out. 18-wheeler. Yes. 18-wheeler. We were talking about if a cowboy who'd stopped drinking started drinking again. So if a cowboy... Put my feet up.

..who'd stopped drinking started drinking again. So if a cowboy fell off the wagon... Yeah. ..he might well fall off the wagon. Yeah. Actually fall off the wagon. Yeah. That's it. And I enjoyed that.

The repetitive nature of his activities. That's what I liked. But we're all different. I think we've established that. Oh, ballet. Did I tell you about my telephone? No. I broke...

Your mobile phone? I broke my phone. Oh, right. Sorry to hear that. You know when you drop... I have... I'm going to be straight out with you. Sorry to hear that. You know when you drop... I have a... I'm going to be straight out with you. I have an iPhone.

Other smartphones are available. Are they? I had an iPhone and... Now, this is the frustration of it. I was doing a good deed. Oh, what were you doing? You know, we talked about the other week about somebody who did a good deed.

They bought a homeless man a burger in McDonald's and it turned out he wasn't a homeless man. That's right, yeah. It bought a homeless man a burger in McDonald's and it turned out he wasn't a homeless man. That's right, yeah. It was a bit like that. I was in the toilet, in my bathroom, let's call it that. It's a bit less controversial. And it was the day the cleaner came, it was Tuesday, so it was Tuesday morning and I looked at, the seat was up and I looked down. So you don't leave the house?

I always leave the house when the cleaner comes. Well she wasn't in at this stage, it was early in the morning. Okay. And I and what I, I looked down at the toilet and it benefited from a, just a quick wipe round. Absolute

God. I'm on the top part of it, I'm not talking about heavy duty. Lid. We're talking lids. I'm talking, yes. And men. I'm talking about men's problems. Don't drag me in.

Don't drag me in. I'll give it a bit white brown, take the edge off it. Oh, God. And so I did that. And as I did, I put my phone, the phone fell on the floor and shattered, and I thought, well, I was doing a good deed there.

Were you? Yeah. Yeah, I was taking the top layer off for the cleaner. How many people would bother to do that at my, who were at my level? My level? Honestly thought he was going to say my age, but no. Oh, no, my level.

It absolutely, it shattered. I mean, the glass on it. Did it? I was looking at Al's, which is still shattered. How did yours shatter? I hope you weren't doing that. He's taken the osteo... ..remedy.

He's covered it in cling film, which is lovely. The bacteria on that? Well, at least it won't go off. No, I changed the cling film. Well, only rival the bacteria on yours. His phone won't go off. Okay, darling, I know. I get it.

No, I get it. I better go to the... We have obligations on... I'll go to the adverse, but I'll come back to this. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us direct through the Absolute Radio website. I've been given a card to sign for Charlie, and...

She's probably listening to this. It's supposed to be a secret. She could have it on an app. Oh, no, she's gone to get the coffee. But she'll be back in the building, and it's being broadcast around. Oh, well, come on. People always know it's going on. I hate the underhand business. Well, I was rushed. I didn't have time to think of something funny. So that'll be shown around then.

Frank Skinner wrote this. Look at that. Nothing. I don't think she'll show it around. You know what? I've seen what you've written and it's fine. Fine. That's what he was aiming for. I know he doesn't have a joke, though. I hate writing on things. The pressure. What I need to do is have a week off

where I just write jokes that'll go on cards. So do I. Plastercasts, visitors books, that kind of thing. And then I can just rattle them off. You could compartmentalise it. Yeah, I need to.

Well, I knew someone that had that. that they used to say such little people so many times or something like that yeah and that i saw it on about three cards i won't be using that one i know such little people so i saw it i saw it on about three words it's an anagram well frank i saw it on about three cards they did because we were in the same circle of friends and i kept seeing this cropping up and i thought that's the trouble what about by hook or by croak i'll be last in this book that's what people sometimes write they write it on the last page oh that makes me feel physically sick of the autograph jillian mckeith is it mckeith or mckeith i never get to the end. I've switched off by the get to the end of her name. She was on Celebrity Big Brother this week

and she actually said, unironically, my way or the highway. Did she? Oh, man. Did she? Somebody says that. Was she suggesting an alternative route? I wouldn't mind if she was doing that,

if she was voicing a sat-nav. Yeah. You're suggesting an alternative route to your place. I wouldn't mind if she was doing that, if she was voicing a sat-nav. Yeah, yeah. But no, my way or the highway, shut your face. Anyway. So, yes, I dropped my phone, and it shattered. And I tell you what, it became quite difficult to read because of the broken glass, but it did look a bit like a spider web. Oh! to read because of the broken glass, but it did look a bit like a spider web. Oh.

And I got, in the period, I just got it fixed just a couple of days ago. How long has it been broken now? About eight weeks, I think. Yeah, okay. But have you found that you've grown to love it as it is? Yeah, I'm increasingly fond of not being able to read all of messages. Mine broke in the corner, so it looked like a spiderweb going across. What I really wanted was for someone to send me

some slight macabre emails that I could read through it. If there's any gots listening, I suggest you throw your iPhone up the bathroom wall and you get a lovely sort of just pushing open the door of the castle and there's just a bit of cobweb down the corner. Oh, a bit of cobweb hanging down. Yeah, it would have been perfect for Halloween. open the door of the castle. Yeah. And there's just a bit of cobweb down the corner. Oh, a bit of cobweb hanging down. Yeah. It would have been perfect for Halloween. We've actually had a missive about

your phone. Smashing iPhone screen is the title of the email. Thanks very much. I have a Samsung tablet. Other makes are available. And twice I've dropped it at the top of my non-carpeted wooden stairs and it's fallen to the bottom and not a mark on it. He continues. Then, the other week, I was sitting in my wooden stairs and it's fallen to the bottom and not a mark on it. He continues,

then the other week I was sitting in my armchair and the tablet fell to the floor. And I know they keep calling it the tablets, it's very Partridge. Well, I'm constantly thinking of the Roman Catholic weekly journal. Of course you are. Then the other week I was sitting in my armchair and the tablet fell to the floor,

probably less than two feet, and the screen smashed to pieces. Full stop. Good story, bro. What? That's a great email, isn't it? I mean... You see, my first thought, this is a sign I'm getting old, as soon as they mentioned that the wooden uncarpeted stairs,

I thought, I hope they're not going up and down there on stocking feet. One of the first things you're told, that's a danger. I took it to a place to get mended. They said we'll have to keep it for six days. I said, what? In 2016? Sorry, which place was this? The 3am column?

I mean, it was... I mean, that's suspicious. Oh, fine, we need you to find for six days. It was absolutely ridiculous. I mean, the other thing, I once did a programme called The Bobble, where you had to go in a house and they take your phone away. And I had my phone for four days. And when I got it back, I had three texts and two emails.

Oh! Disgrace! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email asking for Emily's... It's entitled, Emily's view on the recent pyjama fiasco in a Darlington primary school.

That's a great title. Extremely specific. What's it about? It's about Cockney Rhy I'm in slang, weirdly. Oh, I see. A primary school headteacher has written to parents requesting they take the time to get dressed in the morning and stop dropping their children off in their pyjamas.

The there, by the way, is the parents, not the children. Emily, is this a new fashion trend? It worked for bananas in pyjamas. It did? Well, I have to say, I should say i should say you see this story i loved this story the woman in particular who'd been chastised by the school yeah she was called i think her name was karen something almost certainly karen routh very good yes. In Darlington. Is that a dog? Is that a dog outside? Routh.

Oh, God. Is it good? But, excuse me, her reason for going to school in pyjamas and slippers, she had actual slippers on, was that she said she didn't have time, she said,

because she'd suffered a dead leg whilst she was on the toilet. And it took her... This bullying's getting out of hand now. It took her too long to recover, to get changed. A dead leg on the toilet. This bullying's getting out of hand now. It took her too long to recover, to get changed. A dead leg on the toilet? She said she'd had a dead leg and she also said she'd forgotten to put a false teeth in.

Genuinely. That was her excuse. We've all been there. Dead leg on the toilet, I know, I know. I don't think you can use that. I would have never used that excuse when I'm late for a 9am with Chanel breakfast meeting. I've got a dead leg because I was on the toilet. Sorry, Thierry.

Chanel breakfast meeting. Now, that's nominative determinism, that woman. She's called Chanel breakfast meeting. A dead leg is what someone from the year above you does that thing when they knee you in the... What did she mean? In the quad. Did she mean she'd been on the toilet so long that she'd fall?

You know when your leg falls asleep as they used to say? Sounds like she needs fibre. On the toilet, yeah. Sort of pins and needles. Do people still say my leg's fallen asleep or has that gone? Um, I haven't heard anyone say it for a while but... Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, no, I totally know what you're

talking about. No one in my social circle, but, you know, it might happen. Now, I should say, in defence of this woman, and in answer to the emailer, I do have what I call a shop's outfit. I do. It's not school run, but it is the

shop's outfit, which is a similar principle. And it's Uggs, it's a parka, it's some sort of a legging, in case a riding jodhpur okay and a big chunky knit and the hood up would i wear that out in civilized company no i went to school with a big chunky knit myself can't remember his name though goalkeeper was it and i worry because if someone sees me yes i do look a bit lottery ticket in the wash nana that is the look i'm giving up however i would draw the line at slippers thank you for your inquiries well mr ward who used to

live in my road when i was a kid was he's he called now? Mr Shaw. Perhaps he's as well. I don't use his name, actually. He used to go to the shops in slippers. And my mother used to say, oh, Mr Shaw, he's got his slippers on again. It used to be a regular thing in our house. Yeah. And then she came in and said, you know, I used to go on about

him and his slippers his wife's gone off with a fancy man oh so this woman wants to be careful reap what you sow yeah but i think she says she normally goes to school in jodhpurs has jodhpurs become a thing that people no i think it's just that she likes horses and so do I, but maybe in different ways. Okay, well, I... That's a worrying... Well, I take Buzz to school on occasion in the morning, my son, and... I respect you for that. I have the problem that I only sleep in a pyjama jacket. If I turn up in that, there'll be an investigation at the very least. For sure.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, we were talking about the love between us all. About, what are they called? Slummy mommies? I believe so, yeah. Yes, they are. Turn up at the school in their pyjamas.

I mean, I personally think that this will wear off. It's just January, isn't it? They've obviously got new pyjamas at Christmas and they're showing them off. I've got two new pairs. It's taken every sinew of my restraint to not turn up at the school in pyjamas. I can't imagine ever turning up in my sleeping attire.

No, you shouldn't. No, but I mean, even if I put my trousers on, I mean, they're neatly laundered. They're in great condition because I never wear them. Have you just got like a cupboard full of brand new pyjama trousers? I've got two pairs, I think. You need to find someone that sleeps in just pyjama trousers. They must exist. If I had a lovely torso, I might sleep like that myself. Also... No, I don't, in case you're wondering. You could buy full pairs.

Sorry to interrupt, but I know a lot about this. What I do find is that this is the slight problem with the leisure wear seeping into everyday life. Yes. So what happens, this is what happens with the tracksuit yeah the jogging pants oh yeah yeah i love that do you i love a tracksuit all right person on jeremy kyle love jogging bombs oh if i could wear them out but we have a word in fashion you can wear we call it sports lux. Oh, yeah. Which means go for the leisure wear, just make it something nice. Make it stylish.

Too expensive, though, isn't it? It's too expensive. No, not necessarily. The high street has some wonderful options. I like the Elton John white chalice. That's my thing. I think leisure wear, if you wear leisure wear, certainly past a certain age, it's a bit I have given up well the mummies that pick up my son

what do they wear? they pick up their children they basically mainly wear gym stuff but I mean not like sort of jogging pants no like the heavily patterned lycra stuff

I don't know if they're going to or from the gym or as if that is just their look. I imagine they drop the kids off and then go straight to the gymnasium. I would imagine. Yeah, I'd imagine too. Yeah, calisthenics, that's what they love. Yeah, yeah.

Good plyometrics, all that stuff. But I feel I need to make a bit of an effort. Do you mean in the gym or in your wardrobe? No, I didn't feel we could comment. No, I know. In what respect? You mean sartorially you need to make an effort? Yeah, I have turned up there shabbily dressed,

but I don't feel good about it. I've told you, you found your look. A man in a suit? No, he looks great. His clothes have really evolved in the last few years. Thank you so much. Coming from you of all people, that really means something. His style has evolved a lot.

They were a life force. Oh, on them, on them, on them. Oh, sorry, we're going to another song now. I was just going to start another. Let's leave it on them. Okay. And then everyone will think, oh. Yeah.

I wonder what they were going to, on them. What was he going to say next? That's a good texting. On the mmm. Eh? I'll say, on the mmm. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've had an email from Sean who says, Morning, folks. Just to say, don't worry, Frank. I, too, have been away, brackets, for six weeks and not received any texts

or calls. Congratulations. He says, I like to think it's because people know that you are otherwise engaged and don't wish to disturb you. Big fan of the show and hope this helps. I generally don't get many texts or emails. Did you get some nice

ones on your birthday? I did get a few on my birthday, maybe eight. Did you text, Al? No. Is that the time? Shouldn't we play more music? Daisy texted. I didn't want to spoil the surprise of us having got I don't think anyone else in this room texted. I did! Oh, you did, that's true.

What do you mean, oh, you did? I should have been one of the first ones you remembered. Oh, no, you did, it's fair to me I sent a lovely text and you said You said, sprawled out on the sofa watching Match of the Day That was correct, I watched Match of the Day At like 11am on my I mean, I've never lived such a life

Oh, danger of decadence But not recently I would have texted you, but I'd rang out a cling film And it just, it ended, all the shards I wouldn't worry because he won't register it anyway yeah that's fine oh come on I mean come on anyway on them yeah oh yeah oh yeah what was it mom's topic oh yeah mum's did you read about uh Colleen Rooney and her... Yes, how did I ever? I did.

I think that's interesting, isn't it? Tablets. The tablets she's having. Well, what's in them? She's subscribed to the tablet, the Catholic Week. She is. She's quite well. You know her and Wayne are above me in most influential lay Catholics, top 100. Are they, Frank?

I mean, it's an absolute scandal. Who else is on that list? A lap stopped to the eyeballs. Is H.I.L.S. on that list? He should be. He is and he will be now. He's done a documentary in order to get on that list. He's so competitive, Adrian.

I'm above, yes, I think I've said this before, I'm above Jose Mourinho, but below the Roonies on the most influential lay Roman Catholics. Oh, okay. Anyway, we should say, for those unaware... Sorry, that was me just sighing. Just lapsing. For those unaware.

For those unaware, Colleen Rooney has... I mean, she's had a child and the... Can we say placenta? I think we can, can't we? She's... Can we say placenta? Hold on. Can we? Yeah. We we say placenta? I think we can, can't we? Can we say placenta? Hold on. Can we? Yeah. We can say placenta. Why do we stand on placenta, Daisy?

It's fine. If she's above me on the Roman Catholic like Catholics, would it be true to say that cleanliness is next to godliness? Oof! Got that. I love your specialist interest. Yeah.

There is a company, and they are... What they actually... This is the name of their job. They are placenta encapsulation specialists. Yes. Niche. She's had it made into quite handy little pills. Yes, so you have it. This is the thing,

I don't know what you, you know when you buy a toy soldier and it comes on a base to stand on? Well, babies have the same thing. Right. They have like a base to stand on. Never heard it described in that way, but I like it. But because they don't stand, and it won't keep, forget the cling film, Al, it won't keep.

So you can have it, you put it in a machine, and little tablets come out. Yes. And then you take it, because a lot of animals, they eat their own. Yeah. Well, that's why, but apparently this is a bit of an urban myth. Not that they eat it, but that it's good for you.

Because animals only do that to stop the predators sniffing around for new prey. That's the practical reason. Animals will eat anything. Some will. Some won't. Pigeons. They're like a kebab and a...

Pigeons will eat anything. Pigeons love a bit of vomit. There's no two ways about that. I would imagine monkeys are more discerning. But am I going to have my vomit turned into tablets? That'd be somewhat reversing the process.

No, it may. I mean, she and, um... Wayne? No, who's married to Kanye West? Kim Kardashian. Both said they felt the top of the world from these tablets. So, you know, it might be right.

I think it's a fabulous idea. I actually went to Buzzy's Play Centre. I misheard it. One of those ball pits, a slide I ate. Mini trampoline. Oh, dear. It was quite a feast. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, we were talking about Colleen Rooney's placenta. How about that for breakfast, right? Yeah, enjoy your cornflakes, listeners. It's all part of nature. She's not serving it up River Cottage style. No. Who was the character that did that? Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall. Oh, yes.

She's having it as a supplement. She's doing it in a pill. It went to an encapsulation specialist. Yes. You know, like I would a fish oil tablet or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Or I would a eucerin. 8, 12, 15, what supplements are you popping?

Oh, no, please don't ask that. Not medication, just supplementation, you know. Okay. I don't do any, should I? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Okay. Maybe a fish oil or a multivit.

Although, the jury's out. Some people say don't, so... Yeah, I don't want to be followed by cats. There you are. I hate it when that happens. I'm not sure I could have a placenta pill, though. I mean, we spent quite a lot of time... I don't think it's for the boys.

Yeah. We talked for quite a long time on this show, the week after I tried to eat ox tongue. Do you remember? Yeah. It's a very fine line. It wasn't for me. If I can't do awful, I'm probably not good.

They've gone through all the Ks with the children, haven't they? They have. Clay, Kai and Kit. Yeah. Funny, being a footballer, calling your child Kit. Yeah. Yeah, do you think she found him up and said, I thought it was going to be a boy?

He did that Kai's associa, usual Soza usual. He just went, uh, Kit? Ball? Boot? What are you talking about? Net? No, it's a boy. Do you think if they'd been surprise twins, they'd have to go Kit and Kaboodle? Oh, that would have been

fabulous. Eee. Embrication. What are you talking about? What kind of names? No, KKK. They get on like a cross on fire. Goodness me.

It's... I've always... What I've always liked about them as parents is that they're not frightened of a bit of fancy dress for the kids. Oh, they love a fancy dress. And really good ones. Elf costume with a gold belt. Yeah, but really good costumes they go for.

And I like that, because kids like dressing up. Yeah. It's a great, you know, it's a great photo opportunity. So good on them. I'm not sure about the baby elf costumes, though. I draw the line at those a bit. Really? It's a bit like putting a cat in a tutu

What's wrong with that? Oh okay I'd only put a cat in a third The most Yeah The Victorians though, they loved to dress the old animals They'd put them in like a proper three piece suit Yeah and they had a great human rights record

As I seem to recall, didn't they the Victorians? Kicking a Yorkshire Terry with a little cravat with a pin in it. Probably straight through the chest cavity. I wouldn't be surprised. There were different times. They also took photographs of the dead. They propped them up. Did they? Yes. I'll show you some.

It was so hard to get people to keep still in those days. It took ages. Absolute. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, the rather lovely Joan Bakewell, Dame Joan Bakewell, has just wished you happy birthday. Oh, the Baroness. That's lovely.

Oh, she also says how old, then. Anyway. Oh, lovely Joan. So, speaking of birthdays, you're probably wondering what I got. Yeah, what did you get? Oh, what did you get? Well, we know I've got a plaque and a crazy sleep hat. Yeah.

And that's just from us lot. Yes, I also got from my iPlayer team, I got what has now become a regular thing for me, the £100 meat voucher. Wow. Yeah. From all your different shows, you must barely buy a sausage. No.

You're out of money. Oh, yeah. I might get a couple of placenta pills just to make up the money. Room 101 will give you those. Could you get them? That's all they're about. Could I buy them with a meat voucher? Placenta pills.

I suspect you could give it a try. Any other gifts? I was taken out for dinner by my partner. Oh. To a steakhouse. Nice. Lovely. Which one? I always feel a bit guilty about having steak.

Not because of the Dan Adamall thing, but it's a bit favourite food steak. It's a bit talk sport. It is a bit. It's a bit David Pleat. It is. It always used to be those questionnaires in the programme. Favourite food steak. Biggest influence on Korea, my dad.

But then... Favourite drink. In the 90s, it was always Beck's lager. What would you be if you weren't a footballer? Electric. But if it ain't broken, don't fix it. Did you enjoy your steak? I did enjoy my steak.

It was lovely. And I also... Condiments? No, I'm Catholic. We got two jokes off that one. Simultaneously. How marvellous. It was branched.

It was like... Good for people listening in stereo. It was like a rod rest. Let's give me some... For the anglers. Certain amount of respect for my Ernie Wise part in that. No, that was a lovely moment. That's how this show should work.

Finally happened. Finally happened? We've been doing it about nine years. I tell you what, we're coming up to our seventh anniversary. We're not. Yeah, seven year itch. That means one of us is probably going to go. Don't say that.

Or one of us is going to get dermatitis. But there's going to be a seven... I'm glad it's just dermatitis, Frank. No, it's exciting, though. Seven years on absolute radio. It is, isn't it? Yeah. It's not the home where music... The home of where music...

Real music is never repeated. It marks my seventh anniversary of me not being an absolute nightmare anymore. Has it stopped you being an absolute nightmare? Yeah. Because I'm quite an attention seeker. So it means that I have this on the Saturday. It's ironic.

It's ironic that absolutes have stopped you being an absolute nightmare. Yeah. My friends have noticed it. Oh, that's good. right there. Yeah. My friends have noticed it.

Oh, that's good. I'll tell you what, Kath got me a massive bag of cherries. Oh, nice. And I have ploughed, man, have I eaten that quite a lot. I love a cherry, Frank. I forgot how good they were, cherries.

I even tolerate the pips. Well, the pips, let's call them the stones. Sorry. Whichever band you prefer, whether you like Tamla or Rock. And we're at it again, Al. We're on fire.

It could be a great double act. Maybe we are. Oh, that's so mean to me. No, I didn't mean it. I'm happy to be the lovely Debbie McGee. As long as I get paid, I'll still turn up. Listen, Debbie McGee isn't happy to be the lovely Debbie McGee. Yeah. Not really happy,

not deep down. So, um... How do you know? No, I'm joking. I'm joking! Um, I... Well, it really nagged at me throwing away all the stones there.

Right. Because there must have been... Oh, yeah. ...50. I thought about drawing them and making a percussive instrument. That's a lovely idea. You know what I mean?

I just thought there must be something one could do with these. Maybe you could thread them or something. Jewellery? Yeah. Do you think this about all stones? No, I just, there were so many of them, and I always like to think, oh I bet you could do something clever with it. If anyone knows any good things to do

with cherry stones, I'd say, come on! Breakfast! What? What do you mean? Sorry, I'm still working on threading them together. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio You can text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter Email the show via the Absolute Radio Website And my goodness We've had a response Oh have we ever had a response to your

I'm going to call it your cherry stone dilemma or sadness. Oh I don't like the sound of that. Yeah it does sound bad doesn't it? You had a big pile of cherry stones left over from eating all the food. Cherry stone dilemma would be a great name for a dietician if a nominative determinist. Yes.

Actually we had a nominative determinism text but we'll come back had a nominative determinism text. We did. But we'll come back to it. We'll call it ND from now on. If you like. It's taken up a lot of time. Yeah.

And I always panic there might be a Descartes moment and we say determinism or something, and I hate that. Well, anyway, that's ND. Answer to your Cherrystones question is guerrilla gardening. So just fling them, I guess, into bits of waste ground and stuff. Oh, not in my garden. Not like Guy the Guerrilla.

No, no, I think it means like, you know, on tips and as you're walking past. It's not that irresponsible. Guerrilla, what are you? Well, there are pros and cons to guerrilla gardening, I believe. I think I read a long article about it once upon a time. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, I can't remember it all, but I'll re-read it and get back to you next week. I don't like the concept of guerrilla

gardening, because I just keep seeing a guerrilla with a lawnmower and one of those baseball caps with a radio on it. Yeah, but you could just to do the ploughing, you could just let the knuckles drag. That'd be a good thing. Well, you have a great bond with the simian community. I do. Are they simian? No, maybe they're not simian. You're right, Frank. Anyway. I'm also getting a good thing. Well, you have a great bond with the simian community. I do. Are they simian?

No, maybe they're not simian. You're right, Frank. Anyway. I'm also getting a silver back. Let's call the whole thing. We also have a text. I have a cherry stone cushion, which is warmed up in the microwave for three minutes.

It acts like a hot water bottle. Wow. That's a good one. And as if to top, that was from Kaz from Swiss Cottage, as if to top that. Swiss Cottage, I could pop round and have a look at it. Cherry Stones, Frank et al. Because that wouldn't be weird if you just haven't knocked on the door.

It might have been. Can I have a look at your cushion? Can I see your Cherry Stone cushion? I think this one you'll like, Frank. Cherry Stones, Frank and all. I dry them and set them in resin and then turn them into pens on a lathe that's from spencer and eastport you love a pen don't you can't turn it into a pen can you he says what about ink and all that stuff oh he's worried about the threat to his peerless 125

the pearless 125 it's actually made of pear picks now find. No, but how does that become a pen? I messaged a pen in which he keeps animals. Well, let them worry about the technicalities. No, it's pens on a lathe. I was thinking if you set it in resin and let it dry, I thought it was going to be like a massage mitt or something like that. That's a nice idea. Carol has texted,

I have 41 gallstones, 25 years old, colour grey with a yellow trim. Should I make a necklace? Oh, that's horrible. Do you think so? Carol. Carol. I like, are they in or out? Don't make a necklace if they're in. Well, do you remember that thing people used to do with, this is another thing I thought as I ate my cherries. It used to be a thing that everyone was, it was a party thing. thing yeah people would put a cherry stalk in their mouth and then knot it with their tongs yes do you remember that and then people go oh no it was it was always the slightly promiscuous types that did that yeah i don't know what would be the advantage in being able to not. No. But, yeah, do you remember that? I do.

All the party pieces of yesteryear. Touch your thumb with your wrist. Touch your wrist with your thumb. Do you remember that one? No, that was with the S&M community. No, no, you had to lean back. No, I do that. In fact, I can still do it. Can you? I've just done it. Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, so, yeah, so the cherry thing. So that was one of my things. How'd you hit it for that? Had you been walking around saying, Oh, I love cherries. No, when I got up on the morning of my birthday, Kath had turned the room into a sort of birthday event.

Can I say she's very good at birthdays, Kath? She gets the balloons out. There was a banner. Yeah, she got her balloons out. That was my birthday. I remember when she did that in Edinburgh. Do you remember? Like, I still win.

But it was really brilliant. She got me some alternative magazines. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's absolutely disgusting. Keep it daytime. Come on. When I first went out, she often used to buy me, I don't want to say alternative,

it just means magazines you wouldn't see maybe on the average newspaper. What? I'm a photographer. average newspaper. What? I'm a photographer. Interzone, the sci-fi and fantasy magazine. Oh.

Really good. A very good football mag called 8x8. Are you familiar with that? No. Really brilliant writing. Anyway, I'm not here to plug the magazine. TLS, Poetry Review. Pilarstov's great. TLS, Poetry Review. Pile of stuff, great. It's TLS, Tube Map.

I think it's the Times Literary. But she took me, this was the highlight, she took me to the Science Museum to see the Cosmonauts exhibition. Now, you know I love a cosmonaut. You love a cosmonaut. It was absolutely fantastic. Oh, was it fantastic I got the

I'll show you my bag Did you get some good haul? Oh that's cool Yuri Gagarin I say I got the catalogue I got a t-shirt I went absolutely crazy

Do you know why I love this? It's like being with a seven-year-old when they just list a shopping list. Oh, but it was so brilliant. I got Buzz Lightyear. They had Valentina Tereshkova's, um, craft and space suit. No way. I mean, come on! Not Valentina's. Valentina Tereshkova's.

They had, uh, Silkovsky, who's one of the first pioneers of the thing, they had his ear trumpet. Not something you see every day. Does anyone still use an ear trumpet? Have they completely been vetoed? No, but I love the idea. I'm going to bring them back. That's what I'm going to do if my hearing starts to go.

It's like, they're very Dame Maggie Smith, aren't they? Oh, just imagine it, though. What did you say? And then the trumpet rises on. What did you say? And then the trumpet rises on. What did you say? What is a weekend? It seems a backward step, given that hearing aids have got so small and good, apparently.

But, hey. I tell you what I quite fancy, one of those Russian smocks, you know? Smocks are blokes used to wear. Oh, they're so hot right now. Are they? Are you kidding me? Yeah, that whole look is very in.

Are you kidding me? That's for the look is very in. Are you really? That's for the peasant chic. He is, I've told you. So trendy. Really fancy. The three buttons, round neck and a belt at the waist. I really fancy. He's a peasant chic.

We had this years ago with the capes. He was a trailblazer, wasn't he? I'd love, I must get a Russian sock. You know, I tried to find him a cloak for his birthday, but they're all a bit creepy. Did you try the cloak room? No, it was, it was really... What a lovely present. It was fantastic.

And she bought me a book voucher as well. She knows you like a book. It's got all the things I like. So, books, meat, and an idealised view of the Soviet Union. That is my birthday. That's all I want. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin want. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Frank, you thanked everyone today and you've talked about your birthday presents, but a bit like when Julia Roberts got her Oscar for Aaron Brockovich and failed to thank Aaron Brockovich, who have you not thanked this morning? No, that's because I've just had a fabulous

shipment arrive. Yes, it's just in. Of cheese. It's a long song. Cheese has arrived. What did you say? I said it was a long song. Who is the cheese from, Frank? The cheese is from my friends at Absolute Radio.

Notably Paul Sylvester and Tony Morey. But, you know, there are many others. I like that. It's a bit corporate gig, that. A chunk of Hereford Hop. Lovely. What a party that was. I wish you well to eat it.

Yeah, some Godminster organic cheddar, but it's got pickled vegetables, not just pickled onions, but vegetables. Godminster, for Frank, it couldn't be more perfect. It's got red hot chilli crackers. He's absolutely still keeping that sort of hamster

dinner party rock theme. That is good. That is nice. Georgian Bexley wants to know, Frank, did you go for a midnight drive again like you did two years ago? I didn't go for a midnight drive. Did you do that on your birthday? Yeah, I went for a drive and I played, for some reason, Quincy Jones Orchestra's theme from Ironside.

Oh, I like that music. Full pelt in the car. Da-da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da-da! Excellent. I suppose if you don't drink, you have to have a novelty birthday party, don't you? Like playing weird music and going for midnight drives.

Well, that was... I mean, do you remember Ironside? Oh, yeah. He was the wheelchair detective. I do, yeah. At the time, you know, people talk now as if the disabled are getting... But he was a disabled star in the...

You know, he was the main character in probably the 60s. That's true. And he used to start, he used to see him getting shots. He used to show the video of him getting shots so that he knew how he'd ended up. Yeah, like he just wanted time to prove he legitimately That's right. That used to give me

nightmares, that theme music. That and Lou Reed. Awful. And I love both. Of course I love both. Hey guys, we've had a text in, someone's clumsily being a meanie to me, but not very well. It's from 316, and it says, I thought you had replaced Alan

with that funny chap from last week. And then it says, hashtag can't say I'm not disappointed, but there's too many negatives in that hashtag, 316. Can't say I'm not disappointed. Exactly, it took me ages to work out. Oh, hang on. So you cannot say that he's not disappointed.

Yeah, yeah, so he is disappointed. Oh, I see. He should have just gone with hashtag disappointed, but bad luck, 316. It's me, and you did not do that very well. Oh. Oh, but look, what do you want to read out? I don't need no negative vibes in my life, mate.

Oh, Mr. T. Oh, really? I don't need no negative vibes in my life, man. All right, Mr T. Oh, really? You ain't going on no plane. Don't want no negative vibes. Oh, anyway, you've done it now. You've read it out. I did, yeah.

I think you're brilliant. Can we just make that clear? I do, too. I like... And I also like this. No, but I do, too. I know. I know you do. We all do.

OK. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We haven't talked about Stuart Pearce. You know, he signed up for Longford AFC. Yeah, the worst team in the UK, apparently. A bit harsh. No, apparently that is what they're referred to.

The worst team in the UK, apparently. Bit harsh. No, apparently that is what they're referred to. They've scored one goal and let in 179. And so Stuart Pearce has signed for them. Yeah. He's 53. It's a little bit like when I signed for Absolute. Well, that worked out all right.

Must be playing a long game. Lost or bald hero joins no hopers. It's not no hopers. What I'm saying is it's all turned round. Yeah. It was a tremendous... It was a marriage made in heaven. I can't believe you said that after they just bought you cheese.

Well, I've got the cheese now. I'm not going to get it back. Can you believe he says anything ever? Anyway, it's... What is this about? What? This Stuart Pearce signing? What do you mean?

I think it's about the importance of non-league football to Stuart Pearce and others, isn't it? Well, go on. Seek your mind. What has the Kaiser chief said? I predict a reality TV show. Oh, right. Isn't that what...

There's something going on here. You're right, there's something up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that what, there's something going on here. You're right, there's something up. Oh, yeah, yeah, I think you might be right. You smell a rat. Back to the shop floor type thing. Uh, I just can't think of any other reason. Has he just signed for one game, or have I made that up? Oh, I don't know.

Now we're going to have to spend the rest of the week thinking what are they going to call this show, if it is a reality TV show. Yes. Pierce of the week thinking, what are they going to call this show, if it is a reality TV show? Yes. Pierce of the Action. Oh! I like it. Can we get Psycho in there?

Oh, Psycho. Here's a text in. What should they call the reality TV show? What's the team called? Longford. Stuart Pierce. Stuart Pierce signs for Longford. Yeah.

The non-league team. Yeah. Apparently, he's-league team. Okay. Apparently he's going to play centre-half. Is he? Which is what Colleen Rooney has for breakfast. Is he playing manager? No. Oh.

No, the manager is Nick Dorr. Is that what he's called? I thought you were going to say Nick Knowles. Who said he's going to be treated just like everyone else. He's still going to have to pay his £5 a week subs, which I liked. I had a flashback to when I played for Battyford Boys Club. So can you explain what subs are?

You have to pay money to be in the football club. If you play in a sort of non-pro team, you play your subs every week and it covers renting the pitch and all that sort of stuff. Sorry to ask a silly question, but some people may not know. No, no, it's perfectly all right. It doesn't mean that the substitutes get paid. No, I knew that.

Although, ironically, when I played for Battyford Boys Club, I quite often paid subs in order to be subs. What did you play for? I played for a team called Battyford. It's an area of Murfield in West Yorkshire. OK. And I played for Battyford Boys Club, which is now called Battyford Sporting Club. This is progress.

Is it Afro-Caribbean based? No. It sounds like that. It's a Yorkshire place, I promise you. I know you're all giggling. No, it's right. I mean, it does sound silly now that I'm saying it out loud. I like that the Longford manager is called Nick Daw.

Isn't that those metal ones with the peephole? Yes. manager is called nick door isn't that those metal ones with the peephole yes skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute radio now i want to discuss this holiday maker i was very jealous of this week he's called alex simon i've remembered a lot of details about this story. He turned up for a flight from Manila. I've been there, can I just say. I genuinely flew over there for a party.

Isn't that glamorous? Pushing the envelope. You turn up for the opening of an envelope. Very good. Very good. Home of Imelda Marcos. You know what? Can I say I use now brown envelope?

If someone says, would you like a cup of tea? I say, yes, please. Brown envelope. That's a collagite. That's good, right? It works a treat. Absolutely works a treat. Because people listening in the Midlands and the North won't know this,

but in London and the South of England in general, north won't know this, but in London and the south of England in general, there's a tendency to make milk, milky, weak, white tea. Yeah. You've got to be specific. I say Vincent Simone's Dreadly Come Dancing.

Oh! Wowee! I have a small Dulux colour chart, and I just sort of circle whichever one I find. Calvin Klein approach. Yeah, yeah, depending on my taste at the time. Anyway, this character... We were like indulgent parents there. This character was en route from Manila to some sort of fabulous island.

Boracay, is it? I'd never heard of the island. No, I hadn't. But he was the only person on the plane. Yeah. There were two flight attendants. What are the chances of that happening? Two pilots and him.

And two stewardesses, I think. Yeah. Yeah, flight attendants. Two lovely stewardesses. Flight attendants. Yeah. Yeah. Is that what they're called?

Yes. Yeah, it's like linesmen. It's not called stewardesses these days. Okay. Flight attendants. Ridiculous. That's so frank. He hasn't heard of it. So Yes. Yeah, it's like linesmen. It's not called stewardesses these days. OK. Flight attendants. Ridiculous. That's so frank. He hasn't heard of it, so then he goes, that's ridiculous.

It is. It's a nice old term, stewardesses. Some very sort of glamorous about, you know, I'm a flight attendant. You're one of those blokes that waves the table tennis bats, bring them in. Can you just remind me what it says on that plaque that we gave you again? I can't remember. The last bit, something at the end. Anyway, he was so excited

because obviously they called his name out. It was a Tannoy announcement and they just said to Mr Alex Simon, please come on board. I think they called him Sir Alex Simon. But you do hear individual people named. Normally they're in trouble though. Normally they're in trouble, though. Normally they're late or there's an issue.

Not just, your flight has arrived. How marvellous. And he's Austrian. I watched a video he made on the plane. Did you see that? He made a video? Are you allowed to do that? Well, if you're the only one.

As long as you can do anything, you're damn well allowed. Presumably he had his phone on airplane mode whilst he was doing it. He didn't make the most of it. He was Austrian and quite laid back. He said, I just asked the flight attendant lady if I could sit near the window and she said yes. It was an unforgettable experience. It would have been great

20 minutes into the flight. 20 minutes into the flight all the other passengers burst over the overhead. Hey! Absolutely terrifying. 20 minutes into the flight, all the other passengers burst over the overhead. Hey! Absolutely terrifying. They were hiding all the time.

There's one thing I particularly like, Frank, when he makes a little joke. And one place you can't joke on is aeroplanes. They take security quite strictly. And he was talking to the flight attendant, or stewardess, as you prefer. And he says, hey, maybe I'll go and sit next to the pilot. And you hear the flight attendant go, she doesn't like it. Why did he do that?

I'd feel a bit self-conscious during the sort of safety demonstration, wouldn't you? It's just you. I'd say, look, it's all right. If anything happens, I'll just follow you guys. It'll be fine. How contemptuous would it be if you decided to read the Influen magazine whilst they were doing it?

Oh, that would be terrible. I feel you'd have to really be more attentive than ever to compensate for this one. Yeah, I do. But then again, if you were very attentive, the flight attendants might think you were getting a bit... thinking I'm sick of this situation. It's tricky. It's not as much fun as you might think it would be.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Would you find it a bit creepy on the plane on your own? I'm not sure I'd... My first thought would be, have I missed a major news story? Is this a terrible place to go at the moment or something of that nature? Wouldn't you? Because she said that she did that thing, the comedy club, people who run comedy clubs, she said I was usually packed.

Yeah, yeah. She did, oh, I should have been here last week. Crammed. So I'd think, why today? Why haven't they gone today? Then I would think is there something happening on this dream island today which people should avoid? Also, at the risk of sounding snobby...

LAUGHTER Take that risk, Em! Go on. Miles of biography. At the risk of sounding snobby, Frank, I just worry that if you are going to have the benefit of being on that flight on your own, but then you're cramped in the little seat.

Yeah. I mean, what's the point? Because you've just got no company. And I do like a chat. Yeah, especially if you've brought your sleeping helmet. You don't need it suddenly. Yeah. I suppose you could just lie in the aisle.

If anything happened, you'd get very good billing though on that flight when you went down. Totally. But this guy, now let me get this right, he's a travel blogger it says. Does that mean that he's a full-time... Oh, I hate bloggers.

Is that his job? I think it... yeah. I wonder if it's temporarily, unless he's got some inherited wealth to fall back on. But how do you make a living out of being a travel blogger? You know I'm not one, don't you? You're looking at me directly as if to go, come on, you know about this.

No, but I know you're on the internet a lot. Or maybe they get pop-up ads. I'm not on the internet a lot. They probably get pop-up ads on their site. Oh, for goodness sake. This is a man. Did that at school? You know, what I did on my holidays.

That was the standard essay. Is a man making a living out of writing that essay over and over? Yeah, you've made a living from showing off, which you did at school, and he's making a living from what I did on my holidays. There's something in that. There holidays. There's something in that. There is. There's something in that. I'm making a fuss

about... I mean, I've been... Making a fuss? What's he making a fuss about, Frank? One man on the plane. I mean, this has happened to me in a cab loads of times. Good point. It's happened to me on a plane. I didn't write a blog about it. Has it happened to you on a plane? I haven't been actually on my own. Linford Christie was there. Oh, really? Yeah. I flew to Manchester. I didn't write a blog about it. Has it happened to you on a plane? I haven't been actually on my own. Linford Christie

was there. Oh, really? Yeah. I flew to Manchester. I think it was just us two. What, from London to Manchester? Yeah. I thought Linford would have just... Jogged. Just gone up the arch of Aldred. He'd have still been there before you. He slowed down a bit. I'll tell you that story over brunch.

Yeah, it's a good one. Oh, it is? I was on a plane once with John Reginald Christie, the serial killer from Fenrilinton Place. Well, it was a good job. It was a busy plane, wasn't it? Yeah, I can't say it was great company. In fact, I abhorred him. Anyway, look, this is enough of this this You're not going to let Alan tell his

Julie Christie Cain story Christie Moore Christie Moore turned up on a plane I once read Agatha Christie on a flight Oh, well, that's lovely So thank you so much for listening today And if the good Lord's bears and the creeks don't rise We'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.