The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pleather

Episode Date: February 24, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has had a busy - he's been to The Brits and to see Hamilton. The team also discuss the KFC Chicken shortage and petrol forecourt fails.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Them's the options. And they have. They have, already. We've had one that feels

particularly germane to my life because this happened to me. I had a conversation about this exact thing. It's one of your favourite words, isn't it, germane? Yeah, why not? No, it's a good one.

It's one I never use. Do you not use germane? Not since the Jackson 5. I'm the producer's life partner. Yes, of course. But I useemajesty. Yeah, yeah. What a great name that was.

You don't meet enough Jemajestys in life. No, I've never met any. I'm not sure I've met any. I have met Jermaine. Have you? Yeah, we had a long conversation about how lovely he smelt. You've worked with them all, haven't you? Yeah.

I can imagine he'd smell lovely. He's got a lovely sort of coconutty lemon. And I said, is that Body Shop? And he said, what? And he said, no, I have this. And he gave me quite a long detailed thing about it. Can I be straight with

you? You often ask men, you often talk to men about how they smell. You had a similar encounter with Olly Murs, I seem to remember. That is true. That was one of the Ford ones, wasn't it? Tom Ford. You had a similar encounter with Olly Murs, I seem to remember. That is true. That was one of the Ford ones, wasn't it? Tom Ford. You said you smell lovely, Olly. Yeah, now you come to mention it.

That's two in 61 years. It's a trend. I'm calling it a trend. Anyway, sorry Alan, but good morning. Had an idiotic eureka moment yesterday when I was travelling with a colleague to get some petrol. Sorry, can I stop for any new listeners? Oh, yes.

Because, you know, they were flocking in at all times. Oh, yeah. An idiotic eureka moment is when you don't get something that everyone else has got. Yes. Can we think of an obvious example? Sooty and Sweep. Sooty and Sweep.

The fact that that's a pun on, you know, they're both window, chimney cleaning. Window cleaning. Chimney cleaning. Concepts. Had an idiot eureka moment yesterday when I was travelling with a colleague to get some

petrol. When I questioned which side the pump cap was on, they informed me of the little arrow on the petrol pump indicator on the dashboard which points to which side you fill I must admit, I did not know that. Well, I've heard about this, but I don't think my car's got one. The motoring correspondent. Yeah, I know, I'm outraged. Well, I found out about this game changer some months back,

and I get excited every time I see that arrow. You see, my method is, having had the same car for five years, I remember which side it's on. That's good. I don't. I've twice in the last three weeks gone to the wrong side. I was going to say, bought a new car. No, no.

I remember... A bit Kendrick Lamar. I remember remembering the wrong side once and I parked and I took the hose, the hose right across the back of the car. I was really striding with this hose. Like I was trying to... If you can imagine trying to get an elephant

into a delivery truck. And you had him by the trunk. And I was... Well, I reversed once and tried to park wrong way round and they spoke on the microphone and said, don't do that, please. What about when I was doing an interview once?

At the petrol station? Yeah. Someone else was driving and they stopped for petrol and I was on the phone to drive-in. And they stopped for petrol. And I was on the phone to someone from, you know, the Colchester Gazette. We're trying to build it up.

And I got out the car and I was saying, yeah, yeah. So, well, no, when I first started doing comedy, and suddenly this public announcement system went, and I couldn't hear. And I said, sorry, And I couldn't hear. And I said, sorry, mate, I can't hear. There's some sort of PA system on the garage forecourt. It's going... I said, I'm really sorry about this, mate.

Whoever owned a garage, where they make... And then I could see the bloke waving from inside. What he was saying was, switch off your phone immediately. Because you can blow up an entire garage with a mobile phone. Apparently so. When did that happen, by the way? Well, I always use headphones so they can't see. But if you've ever been on the wrong end of the microphone announcement, it's mortified.

Well, when you're on doing an interview, I didn't even know what it was. It was like one of those where, you know, all line up for the egg and spoon race type announcements. Very echoey. But is it true that a spark... You know when you get sparks fly off your mobile

phone? You know that phenomenon that we've all seen many, many times? I just don't think it's ever happened. If anyone's got any evidence, and don't give us the g happened. If anyone's got any evidence, and don't give us the gory details of people on fire running... What a specific text, Tim, can I just say? Have you ever heard of a mobile phone taking out a garage?

8, 12, 15. But no fatalities? Well, if there's fatalities, just keep them under your hat. Breakfast, keep it light, is what we're saying. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tom from Fleet has been in touch

about car forecourts. I once had a car that would smoke from under the bonnet for no reason occasionally. You should have heard the announcement Tannoy going to meltdown when that happened at the pumps. I bet. Apparently, don't worry, it does that,

wasn't enough to placate him. Well, it turns out you're right, Frank Skinner. OK, OK. Because we've had a number of people getting in touch to say that a show called Mythbusters, if anyone's familiar with that, they busted this myth by proving it isn't true. They filled a van full of mobile phones

and called all of them at once. They said it was very anticlimactic for an hour's worth of television. Because nothing exploded. Yeah, but this is, yeah, this is a known... I mean, it seems like it's a bit of an urban myth. Well, I'd say there's two brilliant things about that. One, well, obviously it's safer,

which is a good thing. But also, and isn't it great, by the way, so this is, I call this 1B, that we've got all these people out there and just know this stuff. Yeah, I love it. Sometimes we're on air all the time, you can just constantly ask questions. Yeah.

I've got this idea for doing a 24-hour show for charity. What do you think? Speak to my people. I think it's an interesting way to raise the subject rather than going through agents in an educational fashion. I like it. I just worry that I'd start saying... Start?

...on guarded. Start, my friend I don't think 24 hours will be that different to three in that regard but at my age

24 hours non-stop what if it killed me what if it actually what if I I'm really sad about that it'd be a ratings

winner on the on the repeats we'd go viral Al yeah I'll get a nice black Versace suit. We're really going to move on

while there's still some charities left we feel we can raise money for. So Frank, do you feel like going back to that garage forecourt and remonstrating about that? Yeah, and saying, yeah, well actually, it was fine. Now the other thing that makes me happy about that

is I'm a great one for going down the sort of listings on the telly, seeing what's on, you know, on the TV guide. Oh, yeah. And I must have seen the word Mythbusters a thousand times and I've never clicked on it. So I didn't know what it was. I suppose you could guess. But for all I knew, it could have been about, you know,

somebody beating up King Arthur. True. You don't want that. But now it turns out that it's somebody putting things straight, so I might click on Mythbusters, because I'll be pretty miffed. Unless there's any Mythbusters

that can cheer me up. Myth. I'll be really miffed if I click on it for the first time and it's this programme telling us about the garage floor. Of course, we already knew. Wouldn't that be life? Also, finally, 313, didn't Frank also ask Thierry Henry how he smelled so nice?

Oh, did you? It was in all the layers of toiletries, apparently. That's three in 61 years. Keep up the good work. I don't remember asking Thierry Henry. Yeah, if you could just elaborate 313 on when, where, how, why, what. I believe in the first rules

of journalism. No, no, that's... I mean, it might well be that they remember and I don't. I concede that that is a genuine possibility. Yeah, and was it public or private? Anyway. I don't that that is a genuine possibility. Yeah, and was it public or private? Anyway. I do remember meeting Thierry Henri. You can barely even say it now.

Yeah, I'm having a bit of Thierry Henri. Oh, very good. I mean, first French joke of the morning. Come on! Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went to the Brits this week.

Oh, big daddy, I love it when you go to the Brits. You didn't go to them for ages and now you've been back a couple of times. It can't stop. You know what, it's a great night out. Is it? When you're not presenting it. Yeah, though I must say, to be fair, I think Jack Whitehall is the first person I've seen properly do well.

Well, next to you, who would obviously be my fave as a presenter of anything, I think he did a very fine job as well. Well, I did it like a man in a Messerschmitt belching out black smoke and flames heading towards the lead-grey ocean. Oh, pretty much scorched earth policy or something, were you? But no, I thought he did a good job. So, you know, fair play. Obviously, on one level, that upset me.

Yes. But I think, you know, I was more pleased than I was upset. And I think that's a sign I'm becoming a better person as I get older. Yeah. How was the seating situation? Was it, oh, my God, there's Stormzy, or was it mind your head's catering staff? Stormzy was on our table.

No. No, not actually. It was actually Storm was on our table. It was Rowan and Keating's wife. Oh, yes. Close. But people might call her Stormzy, you know. They might.

Very nice. And, of course, my mates from Kiss Breakfast Show. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, Ricky Melvin and Charlie. They are the best. They are. If only I'd been born much, much later, I'd want to hang out with them all the time,

as it is, once a year's enough at my age. So is it the same guys that were there last year? Yeah, but they're such a... They have a little reunion every year. They're such nice. Honestly, I hugged them all at the end of the night and told them how lovely they were. Did you have lols? You didn't do that weird hug

that you did last week to demonstrate. I did with... I did with... I have a hug. I was condemned for this. Now get this. I have a hog. I was condemned for this. Now, get this. I have a hog. The 2018 hog, we call it. It's a hog that I do with women, right?

And the nature of the hog is a bit like... You know those things that sometimes they stand outside shops and they're two pieces of wood leaning up? An A-frame. It's an A-frame. It's called an A-frame. So it's an A-frame hog. So we join at the shoulders

and then I lean out so that none of my body is touching anything except the woman's shoulders and arms. It's a very complex strictly move. But you also,

I mean, when you demonstrated it for us, you also offered sort of a stiff arm against the left hip position. I hogged Daisy. It was supposed to be a demonstration.

She said, that is the weirdest hug. And what I do, I keep a distance from the woman. Because I've heard of men who wear a plasticine tray on the whole front and take a complete body mould of the woman and then make that up at home. And I just don't want anyone thinking I'm one of those guys. We wouldn't think that of you. I saw a bloke once

hog a woman on a tube station and I thought he's an opportunist. What do you mean? I just thought the way he did it I thought come on mate. Yeah. So Strange isolated incident. I just thought the way he did it, I thought, come on, mate. Yeah. Yeah. So, um...

Strange isolated incident. Anyway, but then Daisy, of course, told me off for it and took it as a personal snob. Yeah. Because we weren't intermingled in some way. But anyway, that's what I do. You hug the kiss guys, yeah? So, um, yeah.

I like that you know. So the guys, I don't care. No, no such thing as... I don't care about any outlines with the guys. yeah. So, yeah. I'd like to let you know. So the guys, I don't care. No, no such thing as. I don't care about any outlines with the guys. Right. Yeah. With Charlie, I did the distance. Okay.

It's respect. Respect a mundo. Yeah. And what did you think? So I want to know your highlights. I took, my guest was the former England cricket captain, Mike Brearley. Was it?

Mm. He loved it. Lots of strange lies. Yeah. I wish I'd told you. What is it, your personal assistant? What if I found him out the blue? Is that Mike Brealey?

Yeah, so who is this? It's Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, you do. Google it. Also, so 80s to call people up. I'd be happy to. I'm Mike Brealey you're going to call it.

Hello. Do you know him? Do you know Mike Brealey? Never met him. But I think 44 first class centuries, he deserves a night at the Brits as much as anyone. True. But anyway, we didn't go.

Gemma Atkinson was on our table. Oh, yeah, I know, yeah. Who danced there just the week before, I think. Oh, on the tour? On the Strictly tour. She danced there. I thought you meant as a mode of transport that she'd like shimmy into the building.

On that bit, Graeme, she danced all the way there. She got dropped off. There were some blokes, they were congaing their way to a bank in East London. She said, you couldn't drop us off at Greenwich? Yeah, get on the back. And so off they went. That'd be great, wouldn't it?

Why don't we start a taxi service, which is a conga, where you just pick people up and drop them off. I don't know how much people would pay to be conga'd. It's going to be hard to monetise that, but we should say it. Well, let's not monetise it. We could say it opens a nonprofit. It could be a supplement to the money we raise for the 24-hour radio show.

It's like an episode of Grange Hill. We've got to do it quick. Frank, last time you went to the Brits, you gave us a lovely review of Little Mix. Who was your big surprise this year? Was there one act that stood out for you, Frank Skinner? I've got to say, and I actually hadn't, because what I do, I lean across to Ricky,

who's sitting next to me, from Kiss. And in a very... You know that bit in The Nightmare Before Christmas? What's this? What's this? Da-da-da-da-da-da! What's this? What's this? I do a lot of that. And, like, when Thingy came, I still can't remember her name,

but I want to call... Dua Lipa. Well, I was calling her Fra Lipa Lipa, who is a 15th century Italian artist. But Robert Browning, you probably know, wrote a poem about her. Yes. And so when she came on, it was very much, what's this? I also, she was under an enormous stalk.

Did you see it? Yes, I did. She sat under an enormous stalk. Did you see? Yes, I did. She sat under an enormous stalk, which I assumed was sponsorship. Oh. I thought stalk Marjorie is sponsoring a 14th century Florentine artist. Yes.

Truly, I have lost touch. So, yeah, I did a lot of that. But for me, the man of the night, it's got to be Kendrick Lamar. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute rave. So you're a Kendrick Lamar fan, Frank.

Tangerine! Sorry, that's my safe word. I don't know why I just... Okay. Anyway, so... Like I needed to be told that. So you're a Kendrick Lamar fan. Well, I wasn't.

I didn't really know who he was, I'll be honest. He was one of my, what's this? But I just thought, I mean, I thought the rigmarole smashing up the car and that was a little bit... Fourth year. Right. But I didn't mind. I just thought the actual rapping was very, very exciting.

It reminded me why I used to listen. You know, I listened to hip-hop for about five years, sort of. Big Eminem fan, I remember. And it reminded me of what excited me about it. It was just that... It was just an electric thing. Anyway, we're not here to talk about music. No.

We're not. Well, we are a bit. I mean, real music matters. I'm going to be completely... You say real music matters, but there was no tribute to Mark E. Smith at the Brits. No, I noticed that. Did he get on with the Brits?

The Brits, where real music doesn't matter. Well, there was a tribute to Ed Sheeran. Yes, there was. I noticed from Elton John, who hats off to Elton. Well, not hats off. Well, not hats off. He can take his hat off now. But the fact that he just, he goes to the I Have Given Up shop

and that's it. He's like, I'm wearing a tracksuit. I'm not going to put a suit on. This is exactly. He's mafia. Yeah, he's allowed. He's either tracksuit or suit. I turned to one of my fellow table men

and said, when they said to me, when Elton John got the phone call, would you mind presenting this by video? And he thought, I know what I'll wear. He actually thought that. Oh, yeah.

I can wear that. You know, that red tracksuit top, that black one with the red stripe, I'll wear that. That'll look great. Maybe the pink glasses with that. Can you imagine the PA? Oh, Elton, maybe a nice Versace suit I have in closet. Yeah.

Elton, why doesn't the PA say, Elton, don't wear that? Because they'd be sacked. They'd be sacked immediately. But see, that's where he suffered from that tantrum thing. Yeah. It's that people are not saying to him, don't wear that, come on. And now he's going on the Brits in his tracksuit.

I like to think I'd tell you that. Pardon? I'd like to think I'd tell you that. If you had to do a tribute to someone, a ceremony like that that and you put on a tracksuit, I'd be horrified. If I'd have done it, I wouldn't have worn anything on the top. Just a suit jacket? Just because then people think, well, where do the clothes start, if at all?

Oh, nothing at all on the top. Well, they wouldn't know. To be fair, Stormzy went topless in the rain. He did. I mean, we've all done it, love. He did. Have Izy went topless in the rain. He did. I mean, we've all done it, love. He did. Have I ever gone topless in the rain? He's done enough push-ups because he knew that that was coming, I reckon.

Well, I've got to say it was a bit of a moment. Was it? I know it's slightly pathetic, but it was a bit slightly pathetic. Someone doing that and you're going, phew. I did, I think I did actually do that. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't really get that. someone doing that and you're going I did I think I did actually do that yeah yeah but I don't really get that

I like Friar Lippa Lippe did a speech about you know strong women and all that which was great

and very apposite for the night and then came on in you know an outfit which I thought for goodness

I wanted to put my coat round her. And then brought on like 200 very, very sort of slim and beautiful young women. And I thought, come on, let's have a bit of consistency. Let's have some ugly people. Get some ugly people on. Maybe, for example.

That would be funny. I mean, I don't understand. Just to even things out for the night Would she have to announce it Or would people just be like Hang on They needn't be ugly But they don't all have to be

That classic sort of slim beautiful Yeah I'd like it if someone Who was like an attractive academic Maybe came on That just looked a bit out of place Maybe in a wrap dress Yeah exactly Someone like that came on Yeah a bit norm of place maybe in a wrap dress or yeah exactly someone like that came on yeah a bit normie i'd also think if someone like frail if only a piece of what you know what

i might i might just wear like trousers to like the jumper for my yeah for my song yeah because you know why do i have to put myself out there but anyway i don't get into the politics of it obviously but i don't really understand the thing. Well, you'd have to give her one of your hugs, Frank. I'll tell you what I did. And that got up. Can you imagine? You'd be doing the A-frame with her.

I was embarrassed about being in the same arena as somebody dressed like that. There was a woman who had... No, I learnt a new word, and that's always exciting. Oh, good. Have you checked it in the A5 book? No, I learnt a new word and that's always exciting. Oh, good. Have you checked it in the A5 book? No, it's fine. I said to my friend Jo,

I said, what is that dress made of over there? And she said, oh, that's pleather. Oh, yes. I'd never heard of pleather. In your community. No, I'd never heard of it.

I think once Chris Eubank told me that's how he relaxed. He told you never to mix it with business. Business. I'd never heard of pleather before. And there it was in front of me. Yeah. Not much of it. Was it a lady wearing it?

It was a lady. Well, yes. But as my mate's mum would say, she'd have been better off saying her prayers. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What did we eat on the night? Nice food.

Did you make the food? It was dark. Sometimes you've missed it. No, no night? Nice food. Did you make the food? It was dark. Sometimes you've missed it. No, no, I made it. Did you make the food? I still got it. I mean, I know he's not hosting anymore, but let's not have him working in the kitchen.

Well, he's sitting near enough to them. I'll tell you what, though. I did use my over-60s travel card again to get there. Good for you. It's the driver. I got in a car, and then after half an hour, the driver,

he sort of was just driving around into one dead end after the next. And half an hour had gone, and I was less than a mile from my house. What? Yeah, and I said, mate, you're going to just drop me by a tube, and he said, I'm really sorry about this. I'm really sorry. I said, well, really, it's mate, just drop me by a tube. And he said, I'm really sorry about this.

I'm really sorry. I said, well, really, it's fine. Just drop me by a tube. And he said, I don't know. There was a closed road and I just couldn't find my way. He kept going back to where this road was closed. There was police. He said, maybe I could go back and ask the police

the way around here. I said, no, just let me out of the car. They've got other stuff to do, haven't they? Yeah. Directing celebrities to the Brits. You know you need to get out of a cab when they're saying, maybe I can ask the police. Can I tell you what I was wearing on the night?

Please do. I'm going to tell you about my underclothing. Oh, are you? You know, we had a dispute many weeks ago. Al said that he loved bamboo socks. He did? Yes. And I then, I thought it was a brand, if you remember.

I mean, you know. I'm an old man commander. And so somebody actually, Alan never corrected me, neither did Emily to that matter. One of our readers texted in and said, I'm sorry, someone has to tell, Frank,

that bamboo is a fabric. I had no idea. That's bamboo. It was a brand name, yeah. Bamboo and pleather in, what,

three weeks? Oh. I'm working my way through the fabrics. So, there are backing bands. Then I said,

you know don't try and beg for free socks on my show Alan I didn't say I was much nicer than that but anyway

they sent him free socks not that much nicer and Emily and everyone had socks but they said don't give Frank any because he was a bit derisory

and you respected them for that I did but I said I respected them and then we've sort of made friends, and they sent me a little parcel last week. But they sent me not just socks. So I actually went to the Brits.

This is true. I wore BAM socks, pants, and T-shirt. You wore a T-shirt to the Brits? Yeah. Well, I had underneath. It's cold. Oh. T-shirt underneath the Brits. Yeah. Well, I had underneath. It's cold. Oh. T-shirt underneath the shirt.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was... Well, you're so spelt now, you can take the layers. I had so much bamboo on me. Were you like a 70s coffee table? I was, in many ways. It was fabulous.

They also sent me a bamboo balaclava. They never. It was fabulous. They also sent me a bamboo balaclava. They never. But it's quite a... It's almost like a full face. Are you going to use that? Well, I thought I might wear that on the night. I could have got backstage.

I could have said, I'm with the East European poppet troupe. But I didn't try it because I didn't want to get... No, it might have... I didn't want to get manhandled. Yeah. But anyway, it's a great... You've got an itch rank. I have got a bit of an itch.

You're really going at it. I can only wear a bamboo now. It's my problem. I mean, if you're not going to wear that balaclava, it sounds useful for under a motorcycle crash helmet or something similar. I have to say, every time Ed Sheeran was mentioned on the night, I couldn't resist going,

Sheeran! Sheeran! Which is not how his good friend Elton John pronounces it. Sheeran. He said it more like one of the Lion King characters. Sheeran. Yes. It's very strange. If the good job he wasn't giving the prize to Kendrick Lama, people would have expected a llama to come back,

like a rat or something. That would have been Mickey Mouse. Disappointing, actually. If I had a llama, I think I might name it Kendrick. That would be good. Yeah, see how many people got that. I'll tell you what, though. Do you remember when I came in here slightly hysterical one day?

Yeah, it was a Tuesday. I couldn't stop laughing about the fact I'd seen this Harry Styles video where he flies and it was the most lewd... It's the most I've laughed at anything on telly. I mean, for years. Including comedy shows. It won Best Video of the Year.

Yes, I noticed that. Can you... I mean, that... Is it meant to be funny? Well, I noticed that. Can you, I mean, that. Is it meant to be funny? Oh, well, I watched it again. I thought maybe I misjudged it

and I watched it yesterday on YouTube. It still made me really, really laugh. I'll tell you what I did as well. This is terrible.

You know when you get pressed to unmute that thing on mute? I didn't. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes. So did you happen to spot a rather

special lady on the fro this week, boys? On the fro? The front row. Oh. I didn't know that was called the fro. Yes. Sitting next to Anna Wintour, the actual queen. I did see this. Did you see it?

It got a lot of headline coverage, didn't it? Yeah. Because Anna Wintour wore sunglasses and kept them on indoors and the queen wore tweed. She did. Now... Had a blue tweed. But also the queen kept her gloves on indoors. I'm no fashion expert, but it seemed to me that this news story...

What? I've been misinformed. Did you lie on your CV? Fashion correspondent. This news story seemed to be... I mean, the Queen, I think we can all agree, is a posh person, can't we? Yeah.

It seemed to be, posh person wears tweeds and person who works in fashion wears sunglasses indoors. Doesn't take sunglasses off. Is this news or is this no news? I don't know if I fully, I don't know if I got it. Well, I was most impressed by the Queen because, little fashion insiders moment here,

she obeyed the fro rule, the front row rule with regards to legs. You never cross your legs in the front row. Is that right? That's the rule. The front row rule with regards to legs. You never cross your legs in the front row. Is that right? That's the rule. Because A, you might trip the models up. B, it looks ugly. You don't want that.

I can imagine if you did that. And it's... You know those folks who do that, who sit with their legs crossed in sort of public places. And when you walk past, they're just towing. Oh, yeah. They're towing just a bit

I think I've beaten that guy I've got long legs I think I've beaten that guy yeah is that bad? I sort of think why don't you just sit in a different one

and you wouldn't have to keep doing that I feel like I'm on one of those click you know those clickometers that count how many people have gone in every time

every time the toe goes in yeah anyway anyway so you you shouldn't do that it's really not done i didn't know that all good stuff and also didn't know pleasure don't mix the two darling no um and also it looks it looks messy the symmetry in the photographs that's why so you have to have your legs together in with your feet parallel position. Anna Wintour is the only person that breaks this rule. She makes a point of crossing her legs to show that she's high status.

Is that right? Yes. So the Queen... Or she could just be bursting for the look. She could be. A lot of water she'll be drinking. But the Queen, she kept her legs in the designated pose and I loved her for that.

Yeah, she's quite good on that sort of protocol. You'd think she gets briefed on protocol before she goes to things. I'm surprised she hasn't written that. Why doesn't she write a book on protocol? That would be good. So did you enjoy her outfit?

I really liked her outfit because I envy anybody that can wear tweed because I have a tweed jacket and it's never the right occasion for it for me. But she probably moves in different circles from me. I don't know when I'm going to

wear it. Like if I'm, like today I cycled here from a hotel, I wouldn't want to wear a tweed. You could wear a tweed on a cycle it'd be brilliant. Oh, it'd be lovely. Wouldn't it give me a clammy back? No, it's very... It would give you a Miss Marple feel. A bit Miss Marple.

And a bit Hugh Grant cycling to a country wedding. What about? Well, I always... In a rom-com. Many years ago, the manager of the comedy store, who was Camp, I think it's fair to say. You still say Camp? Camp all right?

My parents... Where's my A5? Check the A5 book. They tend to be described as flamboyant in their habits. And I saw him in a tweed suit

and he said yes it's my diary of an Edwardian lady look. Which I always liked. Now I would love a tweed suit but I haven't got

the matching trousers so it's just a jacket and that makes me worry if I wear it with jeans I'll look like Jeremy Clarkson or something. Well speaking of just a jacket and that makes me worry if I wear it with jeans I'll look like Jeremy Clarkson or something. Well speaking of

Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear What's happened to them? Some of the models I think they're doing alright some of the models wore full face crash helmets.

Did you see that? Yes. I saw that. I thought now this would have opened up the modelling profession a bit. If this was the norm.

I mean the catchment area suddenly has gone up 70%. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. My favourite detail about the Queen on the Throw was that, and I don't know if this is true, I should say, but one of the stories I heard was that the editor of Vogue, he cried, I believe, was the story I heard,

because he wasn't told about it. I would say he wasn't there. Yes, I believe he shed tears when he discovered he hadn't been on. Yeah, yeah. So our thoughts are with him at this time. We've had a little bit of a compliment in for Al here. I know we don't normally read praise. We're not going to read that, surely.

We are. Well, we might be. I thought... Anyway. It just says, good morning, our great show last night. And then, thanks for a brilliant night, Ross, one of the bikers. Yeah. Okay.

So, what's the story there? You did a private show for the hairy bikers. That's right. Yeah, yeah. And their mates, Ross is one of the bikers. I bet the catering was out of this world. I like the hairy bikers. They're probably my favourite of the TV cookery people.

Well, I've always felt that, in my opinion, they should be wearing hats and things covering their beards. Oh, the beards things. I can't imagine having anything cut by the hairy bikers that hasn't got a hair in it. I think they seem like a giggle. I'll tell you what the Queen thing reminded me of when I went to, the one time I've been to London Fashion Week,

I went with Tanya Briar. Oh, yes. Remember her? Yeah. And she did exactly that. She explained the whole phenomenon. She was my, what's this? What's this?

And she told me about how this collar had developed and stuff like that. Peter Wilde was there, I imagine. Google it. And, yeah, it was great. It was really interesting. Mm, good. Yeah, good old Tanya Briar.

Did she keep her sunglasses on indoors for the whole time? Only when I told her I had a bit of salt in the pocket in case I was um yeah attacked no she didn't but i know people do i'm aware of that yeah i i noticed at the end though you know when that i mean i used to watch fashion tv a lot do you remember and at the end all these uh beautiful people have gone past dressed beautifully and And then the designer comes out looking like they've slept by a wheelie bin. Yeah. Oh, right.

That night. Unless it's Stella, who always looks great. No, but if it's the blokes in particular. The blokes. No, I just like them. They have made. I do. I don't mind people being casual.

I don't like the idea that people get up and say, what's the worst? You know what I mean? I mean, it's the Elton John, Ed Sheeran moment. Yes. So they come on and you think, well, how did you work in fashion? And they've got a kind of divorce beard. But they're also saying, you know, I'm a bit,

I'm slightly above this, you know, I don't dress up fashionably. Well, don't get these young people to dress up fashionably if you're not going to do it. Join in or get another... Anyway, I'm sure he's a lovely bloke. So he came out for his applause at the end. This is Richard Quinn, the designer.

God bless him. What was he sporting? He was, you know, jeans, I'll tell you what he was wearing. He had a baseball cap. Oh, yes. I don't know if that's protocol. He had like a Czech shirt Oh, yes. I don't know if that's protocol. He had like a check shirt, a bit pickup truck chic. Right. Yeah.

And a T-shirt underneath. Wow. Yeah. Now, I don't mind that if he's, you know, cleaning the car. Yeah. But not meeting the... Or not even meeting the car. Just come out at the end for applause. Anyway, they all do it.

It would be nice if someone challenged him. Maybe come out at the end for applause. Anyway, they all do it. It would be nice if someone challenged it and maybe come out in a suit and tie. Good point. It's a different world. I appreciate that. But the Queen, everyone was clapping except the Queen. Did you notice that? Yeah, she don't clap.

Queen don't clap. Is that right? Yeah. She did not clap. I suppose with the amount of stuff she sees, if she starts clapping... She's got to have rules, Frank. She's got to have rules.

No, but she could have a couple of odorators down the gloves. It's not even that. It's often the impact. It's the calories. She'd have to have a snack bar in between shows. She's watching stuff all the time. But that'd be good for the... Remember the Queen Eats House chocolate biscuit cake?

That's her specialist thing. Clapping's probably the only exercise she gets nowadays. Walking the corgis. She's still doing plenty. Does she still walk the corgis. She's still doing plenty. Does she still walk the corgis? Yes. I think so. Hang on, I'll text her.

Well, respect to her for that. But I thought she could have applauded at the end. I mean, come on. She probably saw his outfit and thought, well, if you're not making the effort. Are you not trying to suggest that she's the original tough crowd? I think she is.

Queen is a tough crowd. I saw a young, attractive person next to her leaned across and said something, which is obviously a joke. And the Queen, just the top lip moved about half a millimetre. That was it. I thought, oh, I know that woman would have been in bed that night. I think I wish I hadn't said it. I thought, oh, I know that woman would have been in bed that night thinking I wish I hadn't said it.

Can you imagine playing? I mean, I was. I was on that woman's bed. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still laughing at what you just said. If you think I'm funny, guys, you should hear me off air. I agree.

327 has just texted. The Queen may not clap, but I have seen her do an air punch and a yes. Have you? When her horse called Estimate won at Royal Ascot a few years back. Oh, that's good. Lovely. Spotted. Yeah.

Can I say I got a parcel from Rachel Worthington from Newport in South Wales. Okay. And you may recall last week I was talking about I'd been to a very dimly lit restaurant and I actually had to use my phone Yes. to read the menu because it was so dark.

to read the menu because it was so dark. And Rachel very kindly has sent me a British Rail lamp, which is quite a big piece of equipment. Wow. And I do dream they've taken it into that restaurant because it was so... What a statement that would be. I think I could probably, if I had a transfer available, I could call Batman with this lamp.

Oh, easily, Frank. Yeah, it's a beautiful... I thought she'd sent me a flat iron. It did feel like it was some Monopoly-type iron, didn't it? Yeah, because my mum used to have an iron that you put on the cooker instead of plugged in. It just got hot on the flame. Did you have a mangle?

I did. Lovely. Oh, yes, and a Tobin maid. What's that? You had a maid? Well, the maid is the wooden thing that you... So you put soapy water in this Tob and then put your clothes in

and then you hold on to this wooden maid, which it looks a bit like if you made a pneumatic drill out of wood. and then put your clothes in, and then you hold on to this wooden maid, which it looks a bit like if you made a pneumatic drill out of wood. And then you just thump the clothes until you think they're clean. I love this. That was how we used to live with Frank Skinner. Yeah, you're listening to Living History. Why my mum didn't have a gym membership. 486 has texted.

We were discussing the side of the car that the fuel cap is on. Oh, yes. And it has led to various anecdotes on the subject of petrol. We were driving through France once when we had to stop for fuel. Once I was at the pump, I couldn't get anything out of it. Then lo and behold, the pump began to talk to me in echoing garbled French. Being the true Brit I am, travelling in a country without knowing any advanced language, something drove me after a minute to shout,

down the speaker. Needless to say, she switched off the pump, came out of her hut and ushered us off the forecourt. And you wonder why the French don't like us Brits. That's from Mark in Nottingham. What? She wouldn't give him any petrol? Sounds like it. Harsh, isn't it?

He was trying. Yeah. I mean, he was having a go, but... Throw the guy a bone. I'm trying to think now that this is what the Albion players went through at that

drive-in McDonald's in Barcelona yeah okay we've had a big moment this week as well

sent in to us now a big moment I'll just explain many of you will know that Big Mo in EastEnders is played by Gary Oldman's sister but even though many of you will know that Big Mo in EastEnders is played by Gary Oldman's sister.

But even though many of you will know that, one is often told as if it's something you've never heard before in your life. And so that's what a big moment is when somebody says, you won't believe this, but... And you're thinking, I knew this. Well, I so know that. I knew it. So this has been sent

to us by Margaret Caborn Smith, who you might be familiar with. I know her work. Comedy actress. What, she's sent into the show? Yeah, she's tweeted me. She said, husband just had a good big moment. Did you know the only one without a beard in ZZ Top

has the surname Beard? Oh, yes. I'm going to let you have that, Margaret. I had forgotten that, but yeah, that is a goodie. That's a goodie, isn't it? That's going in. I didn't know that. I said it like I'm doing one-on-one.

So, what's upsetting Emily? Yeah, exactly. We used to do mock versions of that in the office with me saying stuff like, so let's see what Sir Alan Sugar doesn't like about the works of Sir Thomas Wyatt. It was always stuff like that. My dream choices. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I don't know if people are generally aware of the phenomenon that is Hamilton. Yes. Hamilton is a musical... Smash hit. Well, it won 16 Tonys. You know Tony Awards are like the theatre awards on Broadway.

16. I don't know if I could even name 16 Tonys. If we sat here now. Mowbray. Punis. Tony Mowbray. Both football managers. Straight off the bat.

Tony Greenleash. What about him? West Brom midfielder whose nephew is Example. Is that right? Shut up. That is good knowledge. Yeah. I'm pretty much all out now. Don't text in Tony's.

That'd be taking money by false pretenses. Irish Tony used to sing in the British Queen down Albury. Always used to sing when I leave this world behind. Is Tony Robinson a thing? It's Queen Anne Albury. All right, yeah. Always used to sing When I Leave This World Behind. Is Tony Robinson a thing? Tony Robinson a thing? That's the guy... That's Baldrick.

That's Baldrick, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Tony Hart. Very good. Very good. Anyway, that's not... They didn't win people called Tony, did they? No.

So it's a massive phenomenon. Oh, I know a guy called Big Tony. Does that count? Yeah. Oh, enough with Ton phenomenon. Oh, I know a guy called Big Tony. Does that count? Yeah. Oh, enough with Tony. So, Wes. I genuinely do. It's in London now.

Yes. It's arrived in London. And I think there's a two-year waiting list for a ticket. To go and see a show? Yes. Two years? Yes. I mean, there's planning and there's planning, isn't there?

But anyway, I managed to get a couple of tickets from me and my partner. Lovely. So we went to see... What all the fuss was about. But I tell you what, it's one of these, we had to queue outside. We had to queue on the street.

Okay, I'm out. And there was people... I'm out. I'm out at that point. There was people walking up and down with earpieces in. A lot of them was American people saying, yeah, it's fine here and all that. Then they wanted, I had photo ID I had to take, yes.

Over 60 travel card, always. This was only you? No! Honestly, you really feel like you're, you know. They think everyone's got a potential doppelganger that's going to sneak in. I can see them worried that Graham Norton was going to turn up and have your comp.

Exactly. But so there's a real sense of, you know, you are the privileged. You're the chosen few. I think they might do it as a sort of a publicity. I do. Me and David Baddiel did a show in Edinburgh years ago, the first time we did on plan

which is the thing we used to do, improvised show and we decided not to sell any tickets in advance because we quite like the idea of having a big queue Good idea Lovely So anyway So I went to see Hamilton

And? Awful so I went to see Hamilton and awful honestly I love you for saying that I thought it was awful and it was the I thought this can't be it is this it I honestly thought they were going to stop

after 10 minutes and go nah this isn't it nah this isn't it obviously this isn't it so Frank tell me why tell us why was it the rap? was that the problem? no as you know I like a bit of hip hop

but the hip hop in it is not really the sort I used to be mad about it was a bit more Will Smith. Right. It's very musical theatre rap, if you know what I mean. Is it a bit of a sixth form project? It always looks like theatre and education to me

because it's got like a history lesson in a rap. The performers in it were all obviously super talented performers. Oh, good on them. But they've been trapped in a theatrical nightmare. Frank, you're going to have to be more specific. Hugely successful. Well, I tell you, one of my problems, for a start off, it's about history.

Now, you know, I love musicals and I love history. Yes, I would have thought it would have been up your straws then. I quite like hip-hop, so it should have been made for me. But? But the way they do the history, it's like if you got the Wikipedia page of Alexander Hamilton and thought, you know what, I could set this to music, it's like that.

Right. You know what exposition is, where people tell... Yes. Yeah. They should have renamed the theatre the National Exposition Centre. So you mean it's Clumsy Exposition? Well, there's a bit where when he dies, his wife says,

because there's like R&B stuff in this one, she goes, I outlived him for 15 years, but I built an orphanage. And the backing people go, the first orphanage in New York City. And she goes, yes. That's right. It's like that. And you think, no, we'll work it out. Don't just keep telling

us stuff. Oh, it's not, sure don't tell. You think they've just told too much. No, they leave your send-on mistake and say, this page needs further citations. It is a problem, yeah. I applaud your bravery for swimming against the tide well no but I felt

I so wanted to love it I was so excited the tickets were a birthday present right I was so excited I so wanted to sit the idea of telling everyone I've seen it

it's amazing and they can't go it's my dream maybe that's the problem your expectation was too high I mean normally and it's amazing and they can't go. It's my dream. Maybe that's the problem. Your expectation was too high. I mean, normally, if I saw something like this and I didn't like it, I wouldn't mention it on the show

because I don't want to be... I'm not a critic. Right. I have a soul. Yeah. But this... They're doing all right. They've made a few quid there.

It's like those birds that peck at the back of rhinoceroses. You know what I mean? It's not going to do any damage, but I have to. I wanted to turn round to the royal circle. I was in the front row of the royal circle. I wanted to turn round and say to them at the interval, what are you seeing in this that I'm not seeing? Yeah.

That would have been awkward, I thought. And also, I was worried I might have toppled backwards. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from

Absolute Radio. We're talking about how Hamilton, it's not called how Hamilton, it's called Hamilton, and how you thought

it was terrible. There's no easy way of saying this. Yeah, maybe. I feel bad for them because there was some good. I'll be honest. There was some good rhymes.

One or two good rhymes. Two good rhymes. And also, Catherine Kearney has been in touch to say, I can't believe what you're saying

about Hamilton. I've been counting the days for the last 18 months since we got our tickets. Yes, but I am totally in a minority on this. It's an international phenomenon. So don't worry about that. It's not the first time he's been in a minority on this. It's an international phenomenon. So don't worry about that.

It's not the first time he's been in a minority. No, I'd just like to hear. I'd like to hear from people who have been to see or have seen things that are massive smash hits and didn't like them. I'll be honest, they've lost out on one sale with me because you've almost put me off. Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't want to put people off. I'm paying a fortune and waiting for 24 months. Think of it this way. I'm taking along my ID, speaking to the security guards. You've almost put me off. No, but this is... The 75 hurdles that they've already created for me to go to that show.

I'm the last test. I'm the gatekeeper. I think the way to look at this, to put it in perspective, is there are people, and this is our far-fetched, there are people that don't like this show. I don't believe that. Far-fetched, but... I've written their own.

That's what we've done. Well, they're imbeciles. But it's fine, you know. And I don't like... Well, you'll be interested... I mean, you don't have to read their text messages, but that's not the point. I mean, they'll be able to get their own back when my play about Oliver Cromwell...

Oh, yeah. ..which is mainly dubstep, comes out. Cromwell? It's called The O.C. Oh, is it? Yeah. I'm excited about it do you think anyone ever called

Oliver Cromwell the OC I really hope they did do you think he signed off in a fountain pen O dot C dot

I don't see why not I wish he would but he wouldn't have had a fountain pen obviously oh I'm so sorry too early for that quill I mean

he'd have had one what had he been quill birds bird feathers yeah He'd have had one of those. What have you been, Quill? Birds. Bird feathers. Yeah. He'd have been Quill, just about Quill. Bird feathers as opposed to...

Dinosaur feathers. What else has feathers? Oh, come on. Mariah Carey. Yeah. Oh, yes. Very good. Hold on, the Fez has arrived.

Can you hold it? Oh, now. In case you don't know the show, the Fez is the producer's way of saying shut up, so she puts it next to me in a threatening, you know what happened to Tommy Cooper kind of way. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do it. We were discussing your...

We're going to say dislike of Hamilton and your feeling of isolation from a sea of adoration that it has caused. I've always been amazed that some people actually as a living are critics and that's what they do I just think it's a mean spirited and soul destroying activity and you wonder who it appeals to

and like I say I would keep my mouth shut about this but it's so big, it's such an enormous, massive it's good that the producer, Daisy, tried to win me over by saying that the bloke had written a couple of songs for Moana, the children's film,

but only a couple... Means he wrote 12 and they said, these two are all right. If I was you, I'd put them in Hamilton. Yes. Well, we've had a text in from 731, which I was going to read it earlier, but then the Fez,

Arrivé. The Fez rules. Yeah, Fez rules. Frank, re-Hamilton, I felt the same way about the phenomenon, Book of Mormon.

I haven't seen that. I was the only, don't bother. I was the only person in the audience who thought it was awful. Well, I've seen the Book of Mormon and I liked it, but what put me off it was people... I think it was the idea of people thinking they were quite clever watching it. Do you know what I mean?

I think I just... I think the frenzy surrounding it irritated me slightly. Yeah, I didn't think that about... I mean, there was a lot of screaming young teenage girls who were very, very enthusiastic. And I think it's all right to say this. Would it be fair to say that teenage girls are sort of famous for liking rubbish?

Right. It could be that. I mean, you know, I'm thinking, like, you know, the Bay City Rollers and beyond. Right. Right up to the present time. Teenage girls have got a bit of previous on liking things. I imagine that they look back when they're about,

I mean, when they get 18, 19, they look back sort of ironically on what they liked when they were 15, 16. Are you banking on us not getting text messages from Bay City Rollottlers fans saying... Well, saying I still think they're amazing. There'll be some of those. There will.

And, you know, something for everybody. But, you know, we all like different things. We do. As has been proven by this... It's what I always say in the S&M community. Yeah. It's very important to get that straight. 156 has texted,

can I add all Richard Curtis films and the Bridget Jones movies, all inexplicably popular, but pure drivel? Wow. I like some of those films. Yeah. So we're all different.

We are all different. Well, also Ginger Paul says it's a history of the man's life and impacts made a musical. The exposition is needed. Oh. No, I don't agree with that. Sorry.

Okay. Next. One in the column for exposition you're not aware it's exposition if you take the film lincoln you they don't say this happens and it happens and you did you it's great you're drip fed the facts show don't tell yes there's the rules. But he is pointing out another thing. It is great man history, which I thought had become very unfashionable now.

Oh, yeah. There you go. It's, I tell you what, because it's about, and you can't blame it for this, but because it's about the Americans breaking away from the British Empire.

Oh, right. It is. I did think you... Oh, that's why you don't like... Well, no. Obviously, I didn't like that much. But I did think you'd only have to give this a slight tweak to make it about Brexit.

I think that's happened. I think there may be a... I don't know. I don't think it's got anything like a publicity... Yeah, I thought it could be called The Hamiltons. Oh, nice. About Neil and Christine Hamilton. Who are now UKIP

supporters. I'd go to that musical. Can you imagine? Would you? It would be. You see, the person who gets, for all this stuff, and about the, without doubt, the biggest response, the person who goes best, without doubt, and gets the most laughs by a mile,

is King George III. Right. Oh, absolutely stormsy. Brilliant. Legend! Yeah. He was a legend. He's the bad guy.

Yeah. You know, in the context of this. He absolutely rips the place apart. King George III. Frank's got his eye on a roll in this. He absolutely rips the place apart. George, I mean, if they did... Frank's got his eye on a roll in Hamilton. He likes the baddies. If they did Brexit the musical, you wouldn't give Jean-Claude Juncker all the good lines, would you?

You'd make him a dull and despisable figure. Oh, so many flaws. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had this in from 160, who says on the subject of things that there's a big old fuss about, and they're not so fussed. I went to see Wicked a couple of years ago and thought it was far from it.

Like the cut of that person's jib. Well, Wicked is on more or less over the road from Hamilton and I remember going to see Wicked and I thought it was alright, Wicked. It was a very fanatical crowd. But of course I was thinking well, it's not the Wizard of Oz, dear.

But there are many good things in Wicked, I didn't mind that. It's fine for these people to dislike things. I love the musical. Yeah, and you love history. Yes! 306 has texted, hello Frank, I understand that feeling. I personally detest Oasis and can't understand the appeal of the whiny Beatles rip-offs.

Cheers for playing the track though. Jake. You know, there's room for us all, I like to think. Of course, all this culminates in a very difficult thing. Oh, yeah. Because we were in the front row. You were in the fro? Centre front row.

In the fro. In the fro. The fro of the... No legs crossed. No crossed legs. Of the Royal Circle. Yeah? Yeah. Which is legs. Of the Royal Circle. Yeah? Yeah.

Which is a brilliant view. Great seats. Right. Are you worried the cast saw you frowning? Is that what you're concerned about? Well, I don't think so much that, but there was a massive stand innovation at the end. Don't say you were the only ones that didn't get up.

Well, I didn't feel I could get up. I thought it would have been hypocrisy. Frank. I love it would have been hypocrisy. Frank. I love it. People would have seen. I love it. Yeah, but can I say the ticket was paid for? Yeah.

Free ticket. I mean, I've always said, don't criticise a film if you've hit the gatto. Is that one of the things you've always said? Yeah, when you leave a premiere Hang on, just write that down But I thought I can't in my I'm decorating a pub and I need some

Remaining, the protest vote It wasn't a protest, I just, I clapped because like I said there were some very good performances in it by individuals I'm sure And there was some good rhyme There's also things Were you the only one seated? No, I think the woman next to me was going to get up

and when she saw I hadn't, she thought, oh, maybe it's all right for me to sit there. But then again, we have been together 17 years. Now, there was a woman next to me because Kat didn't love it either. Right. And so the woman next to me I I think, was going to get up. And then she thought, no, I won't.

You're right. So there's just the three. The trouble is we had such a good view. You see, I think a lot of the audience were guessing that it was good. But I thought, is this a good thing? Should I just get up and give the ovation? But then I think, I thought, I'll tell you what I thought. Every standing ovation I do after this

will mean nothing if I get up for something I didn't enjoy. So I feel... I'm sure that's how those performers will see it. They won't care. The place was going crazy. They might have been backstage saying, well, he didn't want to dilute his future ovation giving.

Yeah, I would have explained that to him instead of asking. You know as well as I do that it doesn't matter if that whole theatre stands up. Who are the two you're going to remember are seated? Come on. Okay, but...

We've all been there, love. One of the, at least one of those guys, there's a very good chance they'll be in something that I love in the future and they'll look up and they'll see me standing

and they'll think, you know what, he must have loved this because he didn't stand for Hamilton okay I mean the Queen didn't even applaud

for the fashion guys no exactly well the Queen was sitting next to me it was a bit like you know I've talked about castellation on this side of the show

where around about castles you get that that's what we formed on the front row of the Royal Circle I feel bad about it talking about it but you have to firstly to the iron castles, you get that. That's what we formed on the front row of the Royal Show. That's right. I feel bad about it, talking about it, but you have to firstly to thine own self be true and then as sure as night

follows day, though, can be false to no man. Skinner, Dean and Cochran together in the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. That was a great, I think it was a great moment

at the Brits. I don't know if they showed this bit on the telly, but Tom Jones went up with, who was he with? He was with Jennifer Hudson, I believe. I don't know,

but it was a night, apart from Jack Whitehall, it was a night of profoundly substandard bants, generally speaking. And they went on a night, apart from Jack Whitehall, it was a night of profoundly substandard bants, generally speaking. And they went on and it was going into desperate awkwardness and Tom

suddenly turned around to the crowd and it's that you know when me and Greg Davis kissed on that live show people quite rightly recognised it was desperation. He turned around and he said is everybody having a good time? I thought, that's it. Tom has basically asked for a big hand for the police.

A hand for the police. Yeah. Oh, man. You're feeling fairly robust today, aren't you, Frank? We've got a correctione, and I feel like it's fine to read this to you. Is it? You're just going, correctione, Hamilton is brilliant.

No. I also like that you checked in and gave us an update on Frank's mood. I enjoyed that part of the show. Go on, fire away. I don't want to bruise you, but I feel like you can cope with this. Read Teenage Girls Liking Rubbish.

I was nearly 12 when Wuthering Heights was released. I loved it and Kate Bush immediately, and I still love her and her music now. Not embarrassed at all. Kate in North Shields. Yes, but the thing is with that, Kate, and you obviously just loved her because she had the same name.

Obviously. Funnily enough, my partner Kathy was obsessed with Wuthering Heights. All the Kates and Kathys. No, no, obviously as ever with these things, I'm talking about a general thing. Yes, of course, I, you know, Kate Bush has

moved a lot of young women and men. But yes, Kate, I acknowledge that. I'm talking about as a general herd. Oh, charming. David Cassidy. How's your herd? Just the general sort of boy band thing. I think you're talking about group tendencies.

It's absolutely fine. We can move on. Come on, Kate. In the same way boys get obsessed with World of Warcraft and then later look back with slight embarrassment. Or Doctor Who. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I... You're on fire. Whoops. Ouchie. Now we need to talk, surely, about KFC, which I think you briefly mentioned last week as this story was breaking. Oh, they're running...

They ran out of chicken. They did. Apparently they now are known as KF. Unbelievable. It's one of their initials. You'd think that would be the first thing on the checklist. If they have a checklist, all I hope is get chicken.

I mean, it would be news if they didn't have the little barbecue sauce. If they totally ran out of that, people would be talking about, you know, they've got no barbecue sauce. But it's the chicken. It's the chicken. They've even got it in the signs. Can I just say, you were the first person, you broke this story.

Did I? You had intel, I believe, from one of your butcher friends. I had a little bit of conspiracy theory gossip. Yeah, he's got some butcher friends, Frank. Yes, I know. Yeah. I love my butchers. Okay. Yeah. I love my butchers. Okay.

Big shout out to my butchers. Yeah, of course, we're losing a lot of vegetarian listeners. Yeah, it's fine. It's not the vocabulary. I've already lost the Hamilton. I've nearly lost the assistant producer who's very sulky about me not liking Hamilton. She's really angry.

But you see, she's got the, what do they call them now? Album? Soundtrack. Soundtrack. That's what's been in news. No, no, but I was going to say CD, and then she'd have looked at me blankly. Yeah, she's downloaded it, yeah.

So she's downloaded, and she's listened to it. And that's what a lot of people do, apparently. They listen to it. But as you said, we went to see Stephen Sondheim. We did. Interviewed. And he said, I think, with musicals, what you want is people whistling the tunes on the way out not on the

way in. So if you've got to do the homework to enjoy Hamilton I mean forget it what I have to queue and do homework So we've gone from KFC back to Hamilton Sorry Val. It's really his hot spot isn't it? Via your butcher friends let's use Sweeney Todd as a ramp

I suggest. That, that's good. Okay. Very good. Here we go. Over to you, Al. What about Spamilton? Which is the butcher's... Was that any good?

Spamalot? Spamalot's good, yeah. I mean, it's a complete rehash of what the films are, but I enjoyed it. Great reuse of rehash. Yeah, thanks very much. Thank you.

But honestly, the Colonel, I know I visited the Colonel's grave. Oh, do we ever. Well, I was going to say, you're something of a Colonel fan. Yeah. He will be spinning in it this week.

Luckily, he was buried on a rotisserie. I mean, one thing that guy liked doing was selling chicken. When that was fitted, that would have been worth seeing. It's a shame to rip the trousers. Oh, God, the leg! Yes, no, I did feel sorry,

because he was obviously a proud man with high business ideals. If he'd have heard that they'd run out of... I mean, the American bosses must have been absolutely furious. Well, 900 outlets. One of those phrases you only ever hear during a news story about a sort of problem in retail or the restaurant business. But 900 of them closed.

Is that right? I think it is, yeah. And then people were calling the police. This has made me annoyed. I mean, I don't want to sound like a horrible old bloke, but what Snowflake, Britain, people that can't cope with KFC not having chicken and phoning. There was a time when I lived in Belsize Park,

I lived about 50 yards from a KFC. I went there probably five or six times a week. If that had shut down... It's not balanced. It's not balanced, but it shut down... It's not balanced. It's not balanced. It's not balanced, but it's lovely. It's not balanced. It's not balanced either.

It's not balanced at all. Three-piece, three-piece dinner with Carl Sloan and Lodge Fries. Memories. Three-piece dinner? KFC memories by Frank Skinner. It's not one of your Colonel's suit. He liked a three-piece.

That's where it came from, the meal deal idea. He was sitting in his He was sitting in his Three piece suit On a three piece suite And he thought What shall I call this What shall I call it

Hold it See you got a pencil See you got a pencil That's what happened Wrote it on the lapel Outrageous Absolute Absolute

Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Can we do a hats off to Tower Hamlets Metropolitan Police Service who tweeted Please do not contact us about the hashtag KFC crisis

It is not a police matter if your favourite eatery is not serving the menu that you desire Yeah, it's a fair point Matter is a noun, is not a police matter if your favourite eatery is not serving the menu that you desire. It's a fair point. Matter is a noun again always a police reference there. Matter is used as a noun. Do you know that Emily often calls me Big Daddy and actually bought me a notebook

in which she had the word Big Daddy embossed I think is the word. There were questions asked at Smyth's and I'll leave it there. I'll bet. Have you ever had a Big Daddy in KFC? None of your business, my past. I don't think I have. Is there a Big Daddy?

A Big Daddy, oh man, it's a chicken burger. You look really happy discussing this. No, but what I love about this... You look so happy. It's a chicken burger. You look really happy discussing this. No, but what I love about this... You look so happy. It's a chicken burger, right? And on the... So it's got a burger bap. Yeah.

And it's got a chicken burger on it. And then it's got bacon on it, which you think, fair enough, we've already got meat, but hey, let's have a bit more. Yeah. And then it's got a hash brownie on it. Oh. So it's got a battered potato thing on the back. But when you buy...

When you buy... When you buy... When you buy this enormous thing, which is a bread roll with a hash brownie and chicken burger. It comes with another piece of chicken as a side. It comes with that. Oh, well, I'm just going to have that. I'll have another piece of chicken with it. As a side, though.

It's the other piece of chicken wing as well. No, it's a proper, you know, a breast, a proper batter. Like you're getting a three-piece. I mean, it's just one of those. You have that as well. A lot of food. I love that. Oh, man, the big daddy.

Brilliant. People are incandescent about it. Yeah. I can see why. It's candescent that to gay club in the hospital. It's next to fire, Frank. I can see why, because I think we've all felt a diluted version of

this annoyance when you go in a chip shop and they go oh there's no chips at the moment. I know that. Oh come on.

Or you have to wait for the fish and you think I don't want them when they're that. You've got two jobs fish and chips like how

difficult is that? And the thing that always worries me about that is that I always think if there's a queue the chips aren't quite going to be cooked enough

because they're going to think, I can't wait. I can't wait the full duration. They're always on the raw side. And an undercooked... Oh, no. Oh, no. They were described, I thought, I like this, they were described as a laughing stock

in one of the things. Who, KFC? Laughing stock. Chicken stock was what they should have. You're right. A laughing chicken stock. I mean, there have been a lot of good headlines on this story.

I bet there have. There were a lot of good vlogs. Tell me one. Oh, yeah, go on then. Clocking Hell was one of them. That's a bit boring.

Give me my A5. You said tell me one. I just... Fine. Have you seen their apology? Yes, I have Oh they did a funny little picture didn't they

Well they've got one of those hipster agencies Oh have they Oh have they No socks With the artisanal pies in their nose Exactly

No socks in the office at Mother which is I believe their agency That's why BAM is sending us free socks is that most of the cool people

don't wear socks anymore Right, they're trying to get us to be Like fashion forward leaders I think that could happen Don't laugh about it I think that could happen Let me laugh for a bit please I like some of the vox pops

When they ask people about How do you feel about this And they were doing it I think With a slightly raised eyebrow They knew they were going it, I think, with a slightly sort of raised eyebrow. They knew they were going to get some unintentionally comic responses. They asked one woman, well, and said, what do you think of it?

And she said, this is madness, absolute madness. Is it? And they said, where will you go instead? And she said, Clapham. Which I love as a response. Yeah. Not prêt-à-manger. Well, there's that woman who's furious

that she's gone to Burger King. She's gone to Burger King. She said, I've only been to Burger King twice in my life. I mean, Burger King must have had three million pounds worth of advertising from KFC shut in on that woman saying Burger King, because that's been shared like a final. It's not great advertising.

Somebody furious that they have to go there as a terrible last resort. I mean, in a way, it feels to me like Burger King outranks KFC because the Colonel surely is lower in the pecking order than a king. Great pecking, great use of pecking. That was accidental, actually. Always the best ones. Fantastic, yeah.

Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. I don't know if there's an official page in de Bretts for fast food. Mr. Codd, I mean, he's just a standard commoner. Yeah, the codfather. What else could there be then? 8, 12, 15. If there was a de Bretts of fast food, who'd be in there? Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 694 has been in touch. We were talking. Uh-huh. We did a large section of the show on Garage Four Courts earlier.

Yeah. And 694 says, Hi, Frank frank and co when my friend first got her new car we were teens she didn't know where the petrol went and walked around the car and started to put the pipe up the exhaust i screamed no god that's a metaphor for my life um i i tell you what i did occur to me about the KFC oh yeah couldn't they the batter is you know I mean the batter

is the magic ingredient couldn't they have battered some other stuff put it on fish or yeah or bananas courgette

yeah I'd love a KFC batter on a banana and they're spicy KFB as I well if they if they went with courgette they could still call it KFC.

Kentucky Fried Courgette. Yeah, cat carrots. Yeah, there's all sorts of other foodstuffs. What about custard? Little batter envelopes of... Do you know, I love the sound of that. It'd be a bit like eating a spot, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, it'd be like...

Really horrible. Yeah, it'd be like snogging a teenager. Oh. As far as I can remember. We briefly discussed the hierarchy of the eating outlets with Burger King and The Colonel, and 484 has texted, Hi team, Wimpy must be bottom of the food chain.

Because they're so wimpy. They've not even got a mister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't want some, you know, Cleansons cards thing to befall them. Or has it already befallen them? I don't know. 8-5-7 has suggested,

what about Captain Bird's Eye? Captain is... Oh, yeah. That's a below kernel, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. And not a takeaway, but still with us,

I ate fish fingers this week. No, I like him. I like him. Good story, Alan. Six I had. Six in a go? Yeah. Wow. And chips. I like it. I like it. Good story, Alan. Six I had. Six in a go? Yeah. Wow.

And chips. I didn't know what the... What did you do with the other one? Because I tend to eat them out of a glove. Can we also make it clear, Correzione-styley, that Frank did not mean to say hash.

Frank meant hash. Hash brown. Brown, yeah. What did I say? Hash brownie. What does that What did I say? Hash brownie. What does that mean? I think that's something a little bit naughty.

Is that what they have in Amsterdam? Yeah, yes. Right. Well, obviously, they don't have one of those. I think that makes people hash brown.

Or a chocolate brownie. That's the two things. One of those things that's like chopped up potato with batter on. That's a hash brown, isn't it? Potato hash, yeah.

What's rösti? Oh, rösti. Rösti, yeah. Röst brown, is it? It's a potato hash. What's rösti? Oh, rösti. Rösti is potato. Oh, OK. It's a similar thing, though. What about if you had it with salmon? Horrible. Salmon rösti.

Salmon rösti. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can get it again now. You couldn't get it for ages. That's right. They all closed. We're missing, didn't we?

Yeah, I had to go to Martin Amis. Anyway, it's been lovely. Thank you so much for listening this morning. You can't say guys and gals anymore, surely. People. We'll cut that out in the edit.

Live, you say? Anyway, I keep saying anyway, it's getting on my nerves. Thanks for listening. One minute. We've got another minute. I thought you just gave me the thing. Oh.

What's happened? We've got another minute, apparently. I think you said Sam and Roshni and then got hungry and then just threw your concentration. The producer is now trying to claim and started waving the paper about. And now it's lying. I don't mind lying.

I like having an extra minute, though. What are we going to do with our minute? You know what? I feel a bit like KFC. 7-2-0. People have turned up and the jokes haven't been delivered. Do you know what I feel like? When you say goodbye to someone on the street,

and then you're going in the same direction. Oh, that happened to me with a member of the audience this week. Gary, very nice bloke. We walked all the way to the car park together. He got much more Alan Cochran chat than he bargained for. Bless him. Probably bored. I made, I'm sure that isn't true,

I made something I never do. I made friends on holiday years ago. We really got on very well and when we got off the plane and went to the airport we did we did a hog proper big hogs

not the A-frame not the A-frame in those days he didn't need the A-frame we didn't know we didn't know so we did the big hogs and it's been great and thanks very much

and all that and then of course they were at the taxi rank we basically ignored them I thought you've had that you've had that you're not in the

holiday bubble anymore I'm not doing it again yeah honestly we barely spoke to them you've got to have rules Frank you've got to have

an ending yeah you're leaving here this time okay so thank you again for listening thanks for listening.

Thanks for listening to the last bit that I hadn't thanked you for, the last time I thanked you for listening. Anyway, so thanks for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the crigs don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. No ghetto. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.