The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pole Position

Episode Date: July 4, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team are all back together. Frank joined in on festival season and learnt more than he'd bargained for at a farm. The team discuss Wimbledon, falling over and Peppa Pig.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner. I'm on Absolute Radio. I'm Spartacus. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on the Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show, do you remember those? Via the Absolute Radio website.

There you have it. The information is out there. Do with it as you wish. I like your reference to the Twitter. Yes. You've already upset Sarah on the show this morning. You said pink iPad, false nails, sums up modern Britain. Well, that's a...

That isn't... There's no hint of criticism in that. We can't go on saying that to people saying. It did sound that way, though, didn't it? Well, isn't it nice to symbolise modern Britain? Yeah, well, I could do that. Hawaiian shirt, sums up fifties Britain. That's it this morning. Well, yeah. Fine. No, I think that's all right.

Nails, pink, iPad cover. Other tablets are available. Then that is modern Britain for me. But that is... Am I saying there's anything wrong with that? Well, you left that suitably vague, didn't you? Yes, exactly. I mean, what are you people, anti-modern Britain?

You make me sick, you snobs. So anyway, speaking of being... Snobs? Well, speaking of hating, in a way, hating modern Britain, it was Glastonbury weekend last weekend. Oh, yes. I thought it's about time I went to a festival. No.

You didn't go to Glastonbury. No, I went to the Chalk Valley History Festival in Salisbury. That's for you. I can't go anywhere where they might say the word yay. I can't have that.

I used to like a ray, I used to enjoy that as a young man, but now yay! I think. You're not a fan of that. Whoa! Yay! Where did it come from?

What about weh-hey? Where do you stand on weh-hey? Weh-hey's all right. Yeah. Weh-hey! You get a lot of weh-hey, don't you? Yeah, that's all right. I've built a career on that. He likes that because it's a bit 70s variety show.

Yeah. Also, it's a bit of a celebration of rudeness. Yes. Post-rudeness has happened. Yeah. Yeah. So, also it's a bit of a celebration of rudeness. Yes. Post-rudeness has happened. Yeah. Yo? So, um, yo, well, I think it's impossible now to use yo

in a non-ironic way, isn't it? Okay. Anyway, let's not make me out to be some sort of language bigot. So, I was in Chalk Valley, and it's a history festival, as I say, so lots of people who are keen on history gather together,

and there's talks. Sounds brilliant. It is great. I'll tell you what there's a lot of. Bad hair? Well, a lot of people have deliberately bad hair, because there's a lot of re-enactors. Oh, I love a re-enactor! because there's a lot of reenactors. Oh, I love a reenactor.

I mean, lots of reenactors. So I walked across the field. There was a medieval knight, and he was standing next to Isambard Kingdom Brunel, and there was a Spitfire flying over him. What? Yeah, it was like people thought to themselves, you know what, we're too passive human beings.

We allow ourselves to be born in some period or other. But now we're going to pick our period. And so that's what they've done. They've decided where they're going to come from historically. Good A-list though, Frank. Yeah, I think it was, it might have been a Victorian chimney sweep, but I'm pretty certain it was a

slightly muddy Isambard Kingdom brew now. He had the stovepipe. How were the footwear? Because the problem with the re-enactors I always find is that they let themselves down with the footwear. Is there a Reebok trainer with the chainmail? Yeah, and then a Donny shoe

like from Sport Direct because they know it's going to get muddy or something. Any fancy dress, I think it's always, what is best, I like to just keep it

above the shin. You know, I've seen cosplay, I've seen some Doctor Who cosplayers and stuff, you think, oh, that's a really good

trainers in Hermit. So no, I didn't look down there. I think, I'm pretty confident that the man in the medieval armour didn't have a pair of suede slip-ons on. He didn't have minicab driver slip-ons.

No, but it's, uh, you're right, that. It's the footwear. Why don't we start a business, Fantasy Dress Footwear, where we just do the shoes? I'm where your plans became an actual business on this show. You're so right. Then we could have little Where we just do the shoes. I'm where your plans became an actual business on this show. Yeah, but that one.

You're so right. Then we could have little dealerships with fancy dress things all around the... Ghosts in Adidas Gazelles. Do you remember that? I won't have it. You know Lauren... Good job. Lauren Harris. Harris, yeah.

Used to be, when I met her she was James Harris and her dad ran a fancy dress Yes, he sued the government, didn't he? Do you say her dad if this happened before it's complicated I think it's her So her dad sued the government for mismanaging the economy

but one of the things he was accused of and I he was accused of setting fire to his own fancy dress shop for the insurance money. And he did it dressed as Zorro, so he wouldn't be recognised. Is that right? Well, I'm pretty sure. It was alleged. Can I say yes? I may be wrong about that, if he's listening.

I don't want him coming around my house with a scabard. No. Or even a scab soft. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about footwear and fancy dress footwear, and this is really how people tend to get it wrong. But Ian Angle, one of our regulars...

I think his name's Angel. I know. OK. It's a pun. It's a pun on Angel. But I think our listeners are called listeners rather than readers, but has that ever stopped us? Good point. Good point. Frank, would it be OK if a Robert Louis Stevenson re-enactor

wore platform shoes? What does that mean? Robert Louis Stevenson. Platform shoes. I don't get it. I don't either. If anyone does get it, text us on 812.15. Did Robert Louis Stevenson have anything to do with the train?

Is it a train platform thing? Kidnapped, he wrote, didn't he? Oh. Treasure Island? Platform. This is entertaining radio So anyway 8.15 for the answers

If my boyfriend doesn't get this because he is very bright as you know Frank I'll be very disappointed Can I make it clear by the way I'm not mocking the re-enactors I like the fact that people dress up as historical figures at the weekends I think it's marvellous I like it, it's hot I was telling someone that people dress up as historical figures at the weekends. They do, right? I think it's marvellous.

Like it? It's hot. I was telling someone that I was impressed by people, you know, so many people are just like, you know, at the pub or watching the telly, and that some people have decided to dress as a Norman peasant instead. And they said to me, yeah, they seem a nice lot. They said, I'm not sure about the Nazis.

And I thought, that's a sentence you don't hear that often, isn't it? That sort of slightly like, I'm not sure about the Nazis. But apparently I didn't see them. There were some Nazi re-enactors there. You do worry about the motivation for getting involved in that group. Yes. Wow. Yeah.

It's not a very welcoming look. Stevenson's rocket, someone's saying. That's a different Stevenson. You're getting your Stevensons mixed up. Yes. What, Pamela Stevenson wore platforms on Strictly? Is that what the joke is? No, it's ridiculous.

719 has texted, station platforms. Excellent. As if I've covered that as a possibility. Yeah, but what? Robert Louis Stevenson got a train once. Yeah. We don't even know that for sure. What if Ian Angle, yes, I'm persisting with Angle,

for the first time in his life has decided to go pun free? And he's just asking because he's planning on dressing as RLS. Yes, I'm going RLS. And he's asking about that. And he thinks he might have he's planning on dressing as RLS. Yes, I'm going RLS. And he's asking about that. And he thinks he might have a 70s glam rock vibe with it. And is that okay? Look, let's give him the benefit of the day. He might send in the explanation, the footnote, the key to this

joke, and we might all kill ourselves laughing. Well, he best hurry. I feel sorry for him if he's made an error. Oh. Oh, imagine how he feels at home now. Poor Ian. Someone's saying he invented the train platform, but then there's, like, seven question marks, so I'm not sure that's fact.

He invented the... Robert Louis Stevenson said, hold on, I just put... I think it's a guess. Just put Long John Silver to one side. I've got, um... I've got British Rail on there. Well, couldn't you have some sort of raised dias that they stand on?

Raised dia? Yeah, try that. I don't know what to call them. Anyway, my wife's having her hair done. I'm just watching the platform. What did you say? Oh, yeah, use that if you like. There you are, a little slice from the life of Robert Louis Stevenson.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think we've got to the bottom of Stevenson Gate. Well, I think we're going to have to call it Angle Gate this morning. There's probably such a thing as an angle gate. I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, yeah. Sounds very... Well, 740...

I should explain in the background, if you're a new reader. Ian Angle at Texas most weeks... Who is actually called Ian Angel, but we like to say Angle. Is he definitely called Ian Angel? No, don't ruin it. It's Angle. Anyway, so he'll always be Angle to us. He sends quality puns, doesn't he?

He's a pun expert. And he sends he's a pun expert and he sends in puns every week often very good ones and we've read him out many many times so this week he sent in I'm talking about opening a shop which just supplies shoes

to fancy dress to supplement I'm going to call them corrective shoes because they're correcting otherwise damaged fancy dress outfits. I can't imagine there being any confusion there. No, exactly.

So Ian sent in the message. I think I can call him Ian after all these years. Do we have the actual quote? You were telling it so like he was a friend of yours. I thought you were going after all these years. And he said, what was, do we have the actual quote? You were telling it so like he was a friend of yours. I thought you were going to say, so he turned around and said. Yeah, so he said, what if Robert Louis Stevenson had platform shoes?

I like to think I'm pretty quick on a pom, but I couldn't, he'd lost me this time. No one knew, no one knew. It turns out now I think he's confessed, hasn't he? Well, we've had this news just in from Angle. He says, Frank, you guessed it. I meant the Stevenson's rocket bloke. Yes, George. He says, one all now,

as you thought Marconi invented the light bulb. See, I really like the confession, but then he's turned really quite a different piece of thing. To try and make it like... Hashtag scorpion. I think you have to bear your shame. Oh, Catholic, by any chance. 673...

We might never hear from him again, though. I think he's a broken man. 673 says, I think Mr. Angle meant George Stevenson, inventor of the steam train, nothing to do with Treasure Island. I'll tell you what he isn't this morning. He isn't a right angle. No. No. Oh, Frank Lougheed!

He'll love that. I was suggesting that he might be so upset that he actually hanged himself and that all he would leave as a suicide note would just say, Ian Hangle. But they said, don't say that because it's a bit of a dark subject.

And I said, don't worry, I won't say it on air. So it's a good job... Live, did you say? Someone has tried to save him, though. 426... I'm trying to save him. 426 has texted RLS, let's call RLS...

Robert Lewis, yes. Wrote a poem called From a Railway Carriage. Don't give him an outcloth. Don't give him an inch. That's good though. I think that's good help. I'm going to imagine that they knew that

without looking it up. That would be lovely if they did. And we've got a suggestion for the name of your shop, Frank. Your shoe costume shop. OK. 671 has suggested Souls of the Damned. Yes, now this is...

Keep it light. This is, yes, I suppose, presuming that all, everyone who's famous enough to be fancy dressed is in hell. Yeah. Again, it's been a dark link, this, in many ways. But here, here's the thing. Yes, so here's the shop. many ways. But here, here's the thing. Yes, so here's the shop.

We were pointing out that fancy dress costumes often fail at the footwear. So, I'm going to open a fancy dress shop that just sells the shoes for fancy dress. It needs a punning title. This is Angle's chance to get back.

But all of you, what should be the name of my fancy dress? I've got one. Shoe shop. What's yours? Do you want me to do it now or do it another time? Hold your high horses. Yeah, we'll do it later while you have a chance to think of one

that you're pretending you've got. I've got one. No, too late now. Pull me up, I lost. Go on then. What about shoddy history? You know, because it's footwear. Shod.

Well shod. It's a well-known phrase, shoddy history. Well, it's quite well known. It makes sense. You're right, though, because that's encouraged them now to think, oh, well, I can do better than that. See, I usually shoot them down with a couple of blitzes early, but no, this is the right way. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. we're talking about if I open shop

where we supplement people's fancy dress particularly historical fancy dress outfits with the right shoes you began this as a shared business. You said we should open a fancy dress shop and now you're saying it's become you.

Okay. It's all gone a bit sole trader, if you don't mind me saying. To be honest. Can you give me some respect for that? That's very good. I'm just worried that Alan ultimately hasn't got the money. To equally contribute.

That's so horrible. He's a bit down at heel. Lovely. I'm just going to go on Dragon's Den and get my shirt. What about this for a title? I've had a thought. Now, this is a bit more... Because I said fancy dress.

It's going to be better than Shoddy History, do you think? Well, this is for... Shoddy History's a bit depressing. So this is shoes for historical re-enactors. Okay. The name of the shop is Pasties. Oh. Right.

What do you think? It's terrible. Because she loves the type of shoe called a Pastie. Yeah, yeah. I just don't like it. Oh, shut up. You can't be that aggressive every time someone just doesn't find you funny. I can.

What do you mean? You take that back. 25 years of practice for that. OK, so what about our readers? Do you want the suggestions? Yes, please. OK, we've got a few. 418, fancy footwork.

That's all right, yeah, because it's fancy dress. I've had better, I've had worse. That's all right. You could call the shop Step Back. Step Back. Backward Step would be better, wouldn't it? Would it? But the problem is here, is that we're

historical. You don't say Backward Step in time, do you? You say Step Back in time, don't you? No, but you do say, oh, that's a bit of a Backward Step. 792, how about Soul Searching? I'm no Ian Angle. Oh. No. Soul Searching, yeah, but I suppose if you want it to be business with Soul Campbell. Yeah, and then he went missing. No. Soul searching, yeah, but I suppose if you... Well, if you went into business with Sol Campbell...

Yeah, and then he went missing. Yeah. Which, you know, you wouldn't say was impossible. No. We've got some other ones, Frank. We've got Frankie Dress. That's good. Do you like that?

Frankie Dress. That's from Simon Hedo. That is good. Karen McWattie, Frankie's funky feet. Sounds a bit euphemistic. And then we've got someone who suggested focusing on trench coats and berets, Franks and Spencer. That's not shoes.

I'll tell you what, though. I'll tell you what. I had an email this week from two women. Oh, there we go. It's all gone a bit Alan Clark. No, no, it's not those two women. Oh, there we go. It's all gone a bit Alan Clark. No, no, it's not those two women. From two women, and they're a double act, comedy double act,

and they're doing Edinburgh this year. And they said, and we wanted to put your picture on the poster as part of a disclaimer. And they are called Lizzie Franks and Noreen Skinner. Oh. So they're called Franks and Skinner. Oh. So they wanted to put a picture

on that says, you know, this man has got nothing to do with our show, sort of thing. Which I thought was quite a comical idea. Yeah. So have you given them permission? Yes, I have. Good luck to them. But it did make me... I'll say, with your face on the poster.

And they got a plug out of it as well. I suppose so. Good luck to them. It did remind me though, I think for the first time, I had a mate at school called Frenchy Saunders. And I think for the first time I understood what he had to go through.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think we've come up with, we found it, the name for your fancy dress shoe shop. Tony Bannister. I like him, he sounds like a 70s script writer. He has come up with one. Frank Skinner's Fancy Dress Shop. Yeah, I'm happy with that.

It's not going to be better, is it? That reminds me of a caption competition. I remember, I think it was back in the 80s or 90s, and it was a picture of Garth Crooks, the footballer. Oh, I know Garth. And he was sort of doing a handstand on the football pitch. And the caption that won it was Garth Crooks. So, yeah, it's from that, the same school.

We've also had the suggestion from Craig, how about back to the suture? Suture? Yeah. Although it does sound a bit like Suture doesn't it What is a suture? It's a stitch isn't it No We've had enough of these now

We love them On the subject of shoes I tried a couple of pairs of shoes On this week, and I found it very difficult. Why? Well, there seems to be a method of lacing that happens in a shoe shop that doesn't bear any practical application in the outside world.

What do they do, exactly, when they lace it in a shoe shop? So tight, isn't it? It's so tight. How tight? And also, it was a very standard method. You used to get two pieces of lace coming out the top the same length. They're coming from the same side. What you get is a little thin thing,

and then it's not even in a hole, that last bit, and then it seems to be coming from the same side as the other. What you get is a little thin thing and then it's not even in a hole, that last bit, and then it seems to be coming from the same side as the other. Rubbish! It was a Roman sandal that you were trying on, though, wasn't it? So you had to do that lacing around your calf thing. I've seen a lot of that. They're, they're, they're, they're... Oh, it's high fashion. They're in, they're in. The gladiator sandal.

Oh, they're all the go. Yeah. Yes, I've seen lots of women in the... All the go? Is that working with Albert Tatlock? Yes. I won ten quid on her. No, I won about 50 quid on Albert Tatlock once.

I won't ask how. No. It involved him having to die before Leonid Brezhnev in a betting competition with some friends. Oh, God. Anyway, so you would think, wouldn't you, if I had to write a list now of communities in the country who would know how to lace shoes,

you would think people who work in shoe shops would be quite... Yeah. They'd be up there, wouldn't they? They'd be Champions League position. Yeah, yeah. They, in fact, are relegations now. Really? If there's anyone listening who works in a shoe shop

Actually you probably work in a shoe shop at this time No you wouldn't, you'd be alright Can you just tell me what it's about? What on earth? Why are they going to answer that? Is that really today's texting? It is if you work in a shoe shop They used to be our allies

Shoelaces, you know what I mean? They used to help us Now they're like evil doormen keeping us out. I like the idea of someone... They're like Haylen Pace. I like someone on the idea of the ten minute break

at the moment. Saying, I'm just going to text into Frank Skinner to tell him what it's all about. Well, I don't know how it is across the country. I find in London, you're lucky if you can get a shoe shop open before what, ten on a saturday oh they're lazy assuming on a saturday every saturday for five years two and a half hours to lace a pair of shoes up what did you say you say on a saturday on a saturday 10 as if you're trying to buy shoes on Saturdays. You've been doing this show on Saturday mornings for five years. I'm not buying shoes anymore.

I've slip-ons for me now. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My boyfriend's got a good one. I've heard that.

Oh. Oh, God. He suggested for your shoe shop, I would call it Sling Back to the Future. That's good. And he did send that, I noticed, prior to the other person who mentioned whatever he mentioned. That's the shoe shop.

So loyal. Very good. Yes. Nice to hear, isn't it? Did I tell you I went to a quilt exhibition? No. Oh. I did. What else were we going to talk about? No, I did. I went, no, I went.

I had no idea that quilts were, you know, making quilts is quite a, quite an activity. Funny time of year for it though, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I tell you, they didn't look like they ought to be on a bed. They weren't, they didn't, they were slight slim quilts.

Small tog, not a big tog. Lots of local women had gathered together and made quilts and put them together. It was beautiful. You're not going to get much business at the moment. Tribal. Tribal, it felt like. Yeah, do you think so? Well, it was more of a, I mean, you could use it. People are sleeping naked.

You could use it as, and here's a word I've always loved, you could use it as a, as a throw. I've always loved, you could use it as a throw. Oh, I love that. The fact that something is called a throw because you throw it over. I love a throw. Oh, beautiful. In fact, I want to open a shop that sells throws. I'm going to call it Game of Throws.

Oh, yeah. Lovely. What do you think? Or Throws of Passion. Oh. Is that because you love throws? Yeah. Yeah. Good. I would Or Throes of Passion. Oh. Is that because you love Throes? Yeah. Yeah.

I would worry about Throes of Passion. It just feels like your friends in the S&M community might hang out there. Yes. Hang out there. It did remind me, though, that my, our Nora, who's my sister, her and her boyfriend, when they were saving up to get married, do you remember when people used to do that

they stayed in a lot to save money and what they did was they bought a rug kit and they used to sit together and make a rug have you ever seen them? They're like sort of plastic trellis work and then you

thread the little individual bits of wool through the hole. It's a long and tedious job. Yeah. You have the telly on, you know, a cup of tea and you're in love, it's fine. And then that rug. Those bits sound alright but the plastic rug making bit sounds less good. Well that becomes the base of the rug right i'd love to hear by the way if anyone's got any unusual hobbies at home because i think rug making yeah but you know there's so there's trendy ones now like you know baking and stuff well the cross stitch is trendy is it stitch yeah that's fashionable they all do it now yeah yes you don't know what you're looking like i don't know what that means right you know when is trendy. Mm-hmm. Is it? Cross-stitch. Yeah, that's fashionable. They all do it now. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't know what you're looking for. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that means. Frank, you know when you have a cushion and there's something written on it? Yeah, home sweet home or... Yeah, exactly. That's cross-stitching.

Oh. Like embroidery. Get off my couch or something like that. Oh. Yeah. You should have seen, um, Emily's clutch the other night. How dare you?

Well, it was... I have to say, I've never seen one quite like it. There was no giving it at all. None. What mate was that clutch you had? Hello? She's gone. No, she had a remarkable clutch.

It had... It had naughty written all over it. It had naughty on the front of it. It literally had it written all over it. It had naughty on the front of it. It literally had it written all over it. And it was hard. It was like a hard case. And everyone was passing it round.

Well, I'd never seen a clutch. I'm used to the tiny little, you know, material clutch. But that clutch, it looked like it was made of Mother of Pearl. Do you know the Mother of Pearl? No, I don't. It's a big woman, but she's kind-hearted. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Alan Cochran went to see the Alice in Wonderland musical

by Damon Alborn and really enjoyed it. Am I right? I did, yes. There you go. You'll have guessed from that exchange that I'm with Alan Cochran. I really enjoyed it. Am I right? I did, yes. There you go. You'll have guessed from that exchange that I'm with Alan Cochran. I'm also with Emily Dean. Three of us on the

microphones. You can text our... We're on the microphones, aren't we? Watch us break the mic. We're live broadcast from Alexandra Palace. Yes, this is the beep, beep. No, it isn't. You can text the show on 8 12 15, follow

the show on Twitter at Frank on the radio, email the show, the absolute radio website. We've had a lot of emails haven't we? Oh yeah, we've had a lot about shoelaces and historical shoes. Oh, have we got to the bottom of the why shoelaces are so

rubbish in, of all places, shoe shops? We have yeah um helen has emailed uh driving to work to open up my shoe shop in stitches listening to you three exclamation marks we don't normally read praise but it's in part of it it's just as annoying for us they all come in already laced up in a weird way so i have to adjust them before i give them to a customer. It's not our fault. And then she's got three emoticons which are smiley faces. So I was saying that in my list of people who I thought

could tie laces people in shoe shops would be in the Champions League position. Also in that top four I would say would be manufacturers of shoes. Turns out that these two are... So the shoe shops just can't be bothered to release them. It's a two-headed beast.

Yes. But I said to the doctor about it, he said, just leave it. Anyway, so that's rubbish, isn't it? Yeah. They're coming out of the factories. Is that the problem? They're coming out of the factories. But they the problem? They're coming out of the factories. But they're not laced by machines.

If they were laced by machines they'd be better. Yes. Yeah. Oh dear. Stick to the slip-on. I've got a horrible... I am. I'm going to have to. I've got a horrible vision of a sweatshop with people lacing them. Oh. Oh no. Anyway.

That's ruined that. None of that. What else? What else have we heard about? Well, I'll tell you what we've heard about. We've heard about Wimbledon. Oh. Well, yeah. Because as you may know...

It's getting quite a lot of coverage. Well, it is. And I was there yesterday. Were you? Yeah. We'll get to that in a minute. But... Lovely.

We've actually had an email. Do you remember, Frank? Oh, have we ever? You were talking... I know we haven't switched over to the corner you remember, Frank, you were talking... I know we haven't switched over to the corner, but just to give you a bit of background info, if people don't remember, you were talking about a specific type of tennis shot, weren't you?

Well, yeah, I played tennis in Whitstable recently, and I hit the ball, it went high in the air, bounced the other side of the net, and then it bounced back onto my side without the other person being able to touch it. And we had a long debate about whether it was my point or not or whether it had to be played again.

So it happened at Wimbledon. I missed this. It actually happened. It happened and about 4,000 people have emailed us about it. That's lovely. Isn't it lovely that people could be bothered? Thank you all. We won't read them all out. No, but we had one from Luke specifically who says, Frank, Emily and Alan,

looks like Frank has been coaching, I believe it's Gail Monfils, with the bounce back over the net shot winning this point. Is it on YouTube? Yes, he's provided us with a link which obviously, as he says, won't translate well on radio,

but you have to trust us. Is there an advert on the front of it? I don't know, Frank. See, I've made a new resolution that if I put a YouTube, any sort of video, and there's an advert on the front, I don't watch it, even if it's something I really, really want to see. What about if it's me and Dare the Triffids? Oh, sorry. Sorry, love.

But, you know, we have to fight capitalism together. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. But, you know, we have to fight capitalism together. So, Frank, we were reading Luke's email, and he has suggested that in honour of you, of your rather brilliant observation, he says, I for one will now refer to the raised viewing area outside Wimbledon, formerly known as Henman Hill and Murray Mound, a skinner slope, in a one-man tribute to the originator

of this forward-thinking and skillfully executed manoeuvre. That's beautiful, isn't it? Beautiful. No praise given, as it's not appreciated anyway. Luke. Thank you, Luke. I like the way they feel they have to name that piece of... Whatever it is.

I was watching the Heather Watson-Serena Williams game last night, which was awesome. Yes. And I thought if she wins this, they should call it Heather's Hommock. Hommock. Yeah, Hommock is, I remember, from geology at school was a small hill. Oh, yes. But Heather's Hommock. Hommock? Yeah, Hommock is, I remember, from geology at school, was a small hill. Oh, yes.

But Heather's Hommock. I did not know that. I did not know Hommock. Or as Serena went, they could call it Serena's Raised Area. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, we're all like that. So I went there yesterday.

I liked it. One thing I did find, though, I had got to explore the commentary box oh yes because my boyfriend was doing an interview for a rival radio station oh my boyfriend this my boyfriend that

mention Isis today I know sorry but it's tiny in there it's like a borrower's commentary box yes the radio who was commentating when you went in? Well, we had Pat Cash and Jeremy Bates. Oh, OK. Pat Cash was wearing nail varnish.

You are having a lot of fun. Jeremy Bates was having a go at him. He said, I'll take it off, mate, but don't have a go at me. What do you mean he was wearing nail varnish? It's his new look. I don't know, maybe it was a fancy dress. Did he have a full length black leather coat on? And he said,

anyway, I've got to go see the mission. I'm going to be a bit late. Yeah, well. We watched, it wasn't very early list, Richard Gaskett beats Dimitrov or something. But you know what I decided? I liked it.

Sports people are getting harder to pronounce than they used to be. That's true, yeah. 1962, man. You know what I found, Frank? Is that I kept saying, look, I just want to back the one who's winning because then the sets are over a bit quicker. Right.

I know that's not the right attitude, but it's just, if I back the one who's two sets behind, I'm going to be there till eight. Well, this is the plus of the women's tennis. It's three sets, it's plenty. It's enough for anyone. I like the epic comeback. Do you like the epic comeback? I do like the epic comeback. I haven't got time.

What about this? I was watching, bear in mind that I've already this week seen the England football team women go out in injury time with an own goal. So, you know, looking like they were going to be in the World Cup final and then that went wrong.

And now, Heather Watson absolutely definitely about to beat Serena Williams and then that goes wrong. I'm just starting to think we don't quite have it in this country anymore. Oh, man. No, and I'm going to take that slogan, we don't quite have it in this country anymore,

put it on a photo with the nails and the pink iPad cover. Uh-huh. And then I'm going to put that around the contrary and see if we can rise up a bit of enthusiasm. So it was... She came off, Heather Watson. I don't know, you didn't watch it? I didn't see it.

Imagine how she felt. I mean, she was... It was one set each. I think she was three love up in the third set. Oh, was she? And I think she'd had two breaks of service. Yeah, she had it in her garage. So it was all there.

She was looking, and then she lost. And she was coming off the thing, and someone stopped her and asked her to do a selfie. And she actually did a selfie with this girl and smiled on the selfie. I thought, wow, that's why you'll never win anything. Whereas Serena just stormed past, she'd just won. But she was very gracious in victory, Serena.

Was she? Yes, she was lovely. That's good. She's got a lovely smile, Serena, don't you think? I'm glad you said that. Has she? Oh, she has got a lovely smile. Because you think she's all tough and hard and warrior-like,

and then you think, oh, no. There's a softness there. Heart of gold. Terry Wogan in the Royal Box yesterday. Was he? He had pole position. Did he? At his age.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. How did it scan? Heather. See, they're all essentially middle class. Most people are middle class or upper at Wimbledon. But they can't put a good chant together. Whereas, you know, your football fans... Yeah. With some really clever chants. Often funny, yeah. Yeah.

Whereas, if you was to take the phrase, come on, out of the language, nothing would be said hardly at all at Wimbledon. That's true, yeah. They just shout out the name. Come on, Tim! What didimbledon that's true yeah they just shout out come on tim what did they shout well they still shout come on tim that's always the comedy one isn't it oh yeah they do that come on rafa someone shouted last night he's been out for three days i say come on bjorn that's it yes yes it was uh what about dreddy he's called something of a sensation

What about Dreddy? He's called something of a sensation. Oh, yes, I watched him. Dustin Brown. I wasn't happy with his outfit. Well, I called him Dustin G by mistake. OK. Which was a bit embarrassing.

Yeah. You have to be corrected. There aren't many famous Dustins. So he's a German raster, is that the idea? Yeah, that's correct. Love and boundaries. What? Hasn't he got the laid-back, you know, hey-man attitude of the Caribbean Love and boundaries. What? Hasn't he got the laid back, you know, hey man attitude?

Yeah. Of the Caribbean and then the firm organisation of the Germans. I don't think he's got that bit. That's part of his problem. Oh, okay. Well, he won. Well, he's the world winner. He did win.

He's 102 in the world. I'm probably 102 in the world. That's very low. It is very low for someone that did as well as he did. If we took British bobsleigh. Yeah. We're in the top 100 and I've never done it. Yeah. I bet you I'm going to start putting that in my CV. I'm in Who's Who, you know.

Are you? I could put that in, top 100 British bobsleigh. Are you in Who's Who as Frank Skinner, not for any kind of obscure comedy reason that you were, like... What are you talking about? I thought you might be in Who's Who for some weird... What are you talking about? You're making sense, man.

You can only be in Who's Who for being... For who you are. Yeah. Oh, right, I see. Yeah. Gotcha. They send you an update every year. Do they?

In case you've done anything that year. Obviously, there's people in there who haven't done anything for years. Right. But you update your Who's Who, so you're still... Because it's not who you used to... Who did you used to be to you, are you? Right.

Oh, God, I mentioned this show, haven't I? Do you? That's in Who's Who. Nice. Yes. You expect us to be pleased. It's exciting, isn't it? You're nearly in Who's Who.

That's what I'm telling you. I'll take any mentions, love. Yes, celebrate. Yeah, celebrate. So do you like this dready character? He's got the tat. He was handsome and all that. Oh, handsome. He had a...

You like? Yes. That tattoo... He's got a tattoo on his sort of rib cage. Yes. His torso, yeah. Which he lifted up his shirt and tapped that, which wasn't just a way of saying,

hey, look at... Not only look at my fantastic physique, but hey, you can see the elastic on my pants. It was that. I'm just saying I've got it on Sky Plus never to be deleted. Oh, how Diet Coke builder is that? Of course, we can't say stuff like that, Al. No. No.

No. No. What about the tattoo, though? Did you think it was just him showing off his pants do you know who it was isn't it his dad it's his dad how is that lovely well i thought it was highly celeste at first but of course that was highly unlikely it was some highly unlikely thank you ladies and gentlemen you should get a tattoo of your dad that'll be good i've never known anyone with a tattoo of their dad on their stomach before. No. I once saw a

shotgun a bloke showed me. Yeah? What was he called? A tattoo or an actual shotgun? What was he called? Dix, he used to play for West Ham. Julian Dix. Julian Dix's shotgun, and it got engraved on the, what would you call that part?

Barrel? No, is it the barrel? You know, there's like the silver bit on the shotgun. The plate. Oh, okay. He got his kids. His kids' names on it. No, not the names, the actual images of them. On a shotgun? On his shotgun, yeah.

Who hasn't got that, though? I haven't got, I haven't had that done yet. Anyone I'd ever speak to? Yeah, it was, I think it was an interesting juxtaposition, I thought. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking about... Dreddy. Tennis.

Well, I'm talking about Dreddy. Dustin Brown. Dustin Brown. Dustin. What about when one of the papers said, this was certainly no dreadlocked holiday for Nadal? Dreadlocked holiday? Yeah.

But he wore a vest, which I didn't think you could wear. Sleeveless. Is it more like a tank top? It's like a singlet. I like that Frank's suddenly gone very All England members enclosure. Well, I do, but that's the way it is. The thing is with Wimbledon, it's like

a theme park, with the theme being like silly English poshness. That's so true. And you have to embrace that. That's what it is. And so, you know, there's all this, there's like old people in blazers going Elk! And embrace that. That's what it is. And so, you know, there's all this, there's like old people in blazers going, Elk!

And all that. And that's just the way it is. And all the strawberries and cream stuff, it's like a ridiculous, they're reenactors. They're reenacting like the 1920s posh England. Yeah. And that's fine. That's what it is.

So you've got to join in with that. Federer was moaning about, you know, this thing that you can only wear white. It's ridiculous. But they're only moaning because, A, they all want to look sexy and cool now, but also they want to get their clothing range. Oh, the endorsements, Frank.

He's got the worst logo, that Roger Federer logo. Such a 2015 conversation oh i hate that is that the best he could come rf written a bit whisperly yeah it's up there with the london olympics i am i saw that uh worldwide life fun that's a good and the panda it's a good that's logo heaven if i had a show called Logo Heaven, World Wildlife Fund... Logo Heaven? Yeah. Sounds like a gripping watch.

Where's my Sky Plus before? Fedra. The best Fedra can do. All right. It's all right. It's a bit old school hotel, isn't it? You can imagine thinking, oh, that's really clever.

I guess we like it. I saw that... You know, there's another British guy, not Murray, there's another British guy that's gone through... Ward, you think? Ward, that's it. guy, not Murray, there's another British guy that's gone through Ward, that's it. Now, most of the tennis players wear, you know, perhaps a Nike shirt or a Puma or an Adidas. Yeah, Sean Hopp.

He had on Ted Baker. He had Ted Baker. Nothing wrong with Ted Baker. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it for a night out, but he's playing tennis at Wimbledon. It looked like he was dressed on his way to a stag do or something. The sports people are getting their own back, because there's all these fat people walking around England in sportswear, and they must be thinking, oh, I'll tear what then, I'm going to play at Wimbledon,

I might wear a suit if I get thrown to the... You're going to wear some going out wear. Imagine if you got through and you wore a suit. Oh, I'd love that. As long as it was white, I think it would be allowed. True. If I just went out there in a white suit and a tie. Fedra did warm up once in a suit jacket thing.

Frank in a white linen suit. What, with a terrible RF on it? Yeah, yeah. With his wispy RF on it. A terrible RF. Did you think, he honestly thought that was good. He's a brilliant at tennis, Roger Fedler. But you feel everything else, he's probably just...

He should have his car customised with the terrible RA. I don't know if I'd want to row the Atlantic with him. I don't know if he'd be great company. Would you not? Most tennis players wouldn't be. Dreddy, that's a different matter. Oh, no, Dreddy, he'd keep making me go to things I didn't want to go to. Parties. There'd be less room as well in the boat. Is he a bit foam party's Dreddy, he'll keep making me go to things I don't want to go to. Parties. There'll be less room as well in the boat.

No, but it's all... Is he a bit foam party, Dreddy? Don't go home yet! Another two hours. Is that his German accent? I presume that's how he talks, is it? It seems a bit wrong, doesn't it? It's good for doing impressions.

His parents gave him a VW camper van. I love... Let's get together and be alright! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just going to read you a little text message. Tennis doesn't usually interest me, but I love a bit of Wimbledon. However, I would like to see a ban on the Wimbledon fist pump,

especially when they get replayed in slow motion what about when we combine with come on i think we should just all agree that that's not good telly anymore isn't it they did it throughout and they did um because uh serena when she won a pipe was was really sort of going, I mean, I thought, wow, calm down, love. Yeah, she goes quite medieval. She said, the commentator said, she's actually going to hurt her throat. Girlfriend's gone wild. Yeah, it was like she wasn't...

Girlfriend's out of control. It sounded like it was hurting her throat. Oh, really? She did applaud Heather's shot on the tennis racket, which I like. She did do that. But I love it when the snooker players just tap the table.

Oh, nice. Is that what they do? But they had slow-mos of Serena punching the air and then they had slow-mos of Heather punching the air. They really thought, oh, this is passion. Oh, it's just for the boys, those slow-mos, isn't it? And then they have a shot of someone in the crowd looking really... There was one bloke who was sort of biting his nails,

and you just saw him just have a look at the camera. And I thought, yeah. He was probably paranoid that his mum was watching and she's spent all her life saying, stop biting your nails! If his mum was watching, she was too old to say anything. So I watched Maria Sharapova. Oh, did you?

I'll bet you did. Oh, come on! How did you find her? She played Beegoo? Beegoo? Pengoo? She played Pengoo. Oh, Pengoo. She played Pengoo.

He's the world 102. He's no good on grass. He's all right on ice. But on grass? Yeah. He's rubbish. No, I think. He's the world 102. He's no good on grass. He's all right on ice. But on grass? Yeah. He's rubbish. No, I think she was called Begu. And I tell you, they both wore those hats.

You know those sort of, they're not really hats. They're like some... Visors. Oh. Like the Great Dane wears in that. Yes. You know in that dog picture when they're playing pool? Oh, yes.

The famous dog. They're like visors. The Great Dane's got a visor on. It's like they were in newspaper offices back in the day. The famous dog. They're like visors. The Great Danes have got a visor on. It's like they work in newspaper offices back in the day. Yeah, exactly. Or they worked

in a poker. Do you know when you see people playing, is it roulette where they have like a rake to get the chips? One of those happens.

Excellent. But she has got... Oh, here we go. No. But this is something that you don't hear said about the attractive women. I'm a very big fan of the shoulder. Yeah. Oh!

You know, it doesn't seem to be... It's a body part that's been left behind in the attraction. In the beauty sticks. Yeah. She has got a mate, Sharapova Shoulders. Are they good, are they? No, that's the Russian player she a mate, Sharapova Shoulders. Are they good, are they? No, that's the Russian player she was playing.

Sharapova Shoulders. Well, the collarbone is very in this season. But they are, they keep going. I mean, they're a parrot's dream. If she had a parrot. She could have a whole line of them on her. The room it would have. Could have a family. Don't mention that to me in angle. It's all over Sawpoint this morning. It'd be like a

three bedroom flat for a parrot. They just keep going, though, honestly. I want to ask you something about the rules, by the way. Oh, yeah, we're the people to ask. Well, you know, after my fabulous self-return shot, my auto volley, then I've got another query. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What happened? You have to talk. Yeah, well, we are going to. You know, but we have expectations to talk. You were discussing the shoulder, and we've had a text from John in Telford. A girl I used to work with once asked me if I thought she had a sexy neck. And he's got an

exclamation mark there. But I think neck... Sounds like she was flirting. I think... Yeah, maybe, unless she was... I think my neck's my best point. Do you really? I do. Oh, I've never really noticed your neck. Why don't you wear your hair up then? Yeah, that's a good point. Why cover it with your hair?

Don't be so bashful, Emily. There's a sentence I did not expect to see. In a bun like a Victorian cook. What's my best physical point, I wonder? You've got good calf muscles, haven't you? You've got a good pair of legs on you, haven't you? Thanks, Al. It's all right. You asked. You know what? You've got lovely hands.

Yeah, but hands is not very good. I could do that hand modelling. I've got nice hands too, but... I work as a medieval... I'm a medieval teeth double in films. Wow. Do you know what? Frank Dreddy's got a green tooth. He's got a green tooth?

Something you share, you and him. Has he got a red one as well? I don't know, but he's got a green one. He hasn't gone, Red, golden, green, red, golden, green. Oh! Have I added that bit? I don't remember the Doberman pincher coming to the studio.

What in its sunshade? Who shot is he? Of course, they can only see him black and white dogs. It'd be a rubbish game. Good point. What about... Sorry. We've also had a text on the subject of the tennis and actually on beauty to a certain extent. Hi, Frank. Lovely. This time last year you mentioned

that you wanted to be with the Flat Stomach Djokovic crew. How's that going? How's that working out for you? He did get obsessed by his... It's true. I watched Al Murray and... Did he play Djokovic last year? Al Murray? Al Murray?

He's everywhere. Andy Murray. He ran for MP. He tried to win Wimbledon. I've never watched Andy Murray. That guy. Did he wear the purple blazer whilst he played? Yes, I watched Al Murray.

I watched Al Murray and thought, I wish I'd got a lovely flat stomach like that. Well, look, I'm going to show my... What do you think? He's getting his tummy out. What do you think? Do you know? It's not half bad. It's not too bad, is it?

It really isn't. For a man of your years... Well, exactly. I think you're a very good Nick. I think you're a very good Nick. A lot of men my age haven't got a stomach. What do you mean? It's all done by a machine.

So, you know... Let's give thanks for small mercies. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. OK. Yeah. Again, the talking thing.

Let's not forget that. Well, it's the top of the hour, love. Across the hour. Oh, sorry. I love it when you're wrong. I love it when you're wrong. I found my hand up basketball style. You've had an Ian Angle moment.

Oh, no, it's not that humiliating. So you can... This is the Frank Skinner Show. I'm him. They're them. Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show by

the Absolute Radio website. We've actually received an email about Andy Murray apparently has got a logo. Oh, he's got a logo now. You took Federer's logo to task, didn't you? You did. You mocked it. You used some of your He should have called me.

I could have done a better logo in two minutes. I could have written it and scanned it, sent it back to her. Mm-hmm. Where is this email? Oh, here it is. Andy Murray's logo. It's entitled... Hi, Frank. Andy Murray's loco.

If you ask me. That's a good band name, Andy Murray's logo. Did you know that Andy Murray unveiled his new logo at the beginning of the year? No, I did not. It incorporates his initials and the number 77, a reference to his Wimbledon title. I thought it was the number of years we will have to wait until another Brit wins, dot, dot, dot. So is the 77 how many years we had to wait until he won? I think so, yeah.

Until a Brit won again. What an odd thing to put in your logo. How arrogant. I'm going to bring out a logo that basically disses British tennis. Well, also, it's OK, everyone. Hold on. You know what the thing is with Andy Murray? Is that when he wins, he's British.

When he loses, he's Scottish. Yes. I just want to do that. Let's make it the last time that's ever said by anyone on the planet. That would be great, but I don't think it will be. Come on, I'm asking you to join in, you readers. But, Frank, I just... If you hear anyone say that, just smack them across the face.

I'd go further than that. I'd take them out. No, no, but I don't want to. Frank, I do think that's quite arrogant of Andy. I mean, I like Andy, don't get me wrong, but you can't say... It's a bit 30 years of her, isn't it? Hang on, though.

It is a bit. If you're designing your own logo, I'm not sure arrogance is tempered at that point. I know, but why bring that up? Why bring up the British tennis? It wasn't any good until he came along. It was all a disaster until I came along. I don't think you can do a bashful logo of yourself.

I mean, AM, Murray's Nick, he can do something with that, couldn't he? AM. TV AM. AM, Andy Murray's a morning person. Yeah. Morning, because he gets up to go training. AM. I get it.

Yeah. Judy will have some ideas. Well, it's too late now I remember when Brian Lara Do you know who Brian Lara is? No but thanks for the tip He was a fantastic West Indian batsman

and he played for the West Indies and he scored I don't remember the exact number but somewhere like 367 or something like that It was the world record it was the world record for test runs and he was being

sponsored by a jeans company at the time, someone like Pepe or someone like that so they decided to call the brand the Lara 367, so they called the jeans 367s after his score and then he broke the all-time

first-class record, playing for Warwickshire. Unfortunately, he scored 501. It's really messed up the jeans community. Wow. Might be a precedent there. I'll tell you what I liked.

I saw Sir Terry and Dame Helen, is it Lady Helen, sorry, Wogan, in the Royal Box. Oh, OK. Did you? But I was gutted because I missed Anna Wintour. Oh, she was there. I thought you were going to say Seal. Seal was in there on one of the days. Seal was in there.

He was in the audience. He was lucky getting an invite. He was fine when it got rained off. I'm not being funny, but Kiss From A Rose has been a few years since that single. Does he clap? I mean that single. Does he clap? Yeah. How is he getting invites? Is Joe Dolce in the Royal Box as well?

I mean, please. Seal, that is interesting. Joe Dolce. I don't get invites. Surely I'm more current than Seal. Current? I think you might be more current than Seal. That's what it says on my posters this year. Frank Skinner, more current than Seal. That's what it says on my posters this year.

Frank Skinner, more current than Seal. You've been looking for a Twitter biog, haven't you? That's what's kept you off the Twitter. Well, maybe you don't want an invite, or invitation, as we should say, because invite is an American corruption, of course. But maybe you don't want an invitation because Anna, she took a tumble on the stairs. How embarrassing.

She had one of her falls, I think.. she's 65 she looks great in the winter she um she had a wobble she had a wobble and what happened is she did one of those semi you know those semi falls when you stumble and then you recover yourself which i think worse, because you get none of the sympathy but still the humiliation. Exactly, but you don't get the pain. 65. The bones are basically powder. She had a lovely dress on, Anna. Did you like it?

Oh, beautiful. Really? Really. She's hot to trot at 65, Anna Wintour. A lot of stomach rumbling going on with that one. Because if Anna Wintour nearly falls over, she sacks about five people. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Rusty Lee, she was in the Royal Box. No. You are. Timmy Mallet. Wouldn't it be brilliant? Ross. Wouldn't it if there was like a Willy Wonka, Frank? Golden ticket to someone from yesteryear. I got invited

to Wimbledon once in my life. Yeah. You can tell when it was. I watched Martina Navratilova play. Oh, yeah. And I've never had a hint. I'm not asking for details. Oldest Wimbledon finalist is that right?

good stats but how do you get who qualifies? what do you mean? why are you asking us? they love a shot it's like an audience win they love a shot of somebody famous

they really do do you know they do um someone was saying one of the organizers saying it's middle day tomorrow she was going about middle saturday or something and i thought she was saying middleton day i thought it's now actually called middle they were there all mar middleton and the and the father the middletons take full advantage of the old free i can can't blame them for that. I was. You know, they've worked for it. Have they?

Yeah. I'll tell you who else had a little fall, though. Please indulge me. I think they've got a fancy dress shoes company. They'll come to think of it. Whilst we're on the subject of falls... What about if you had parties? Yeah. Were you only the shoes or the fancy

dress and the rest was normal oh yeah so you went in like gorilla fate or something like that ice yeah yeah glass slippers yeah sorry carry on before I like that I'd go pilgrim Frank oh yeah I like that with the big buckle oh yeah you know what I'm saying? Yes. Because it's iconic, that look. You are. Thank you very much. So I also liked, there was a second fall this week, and that was Mariah Carey. I saw that. I saw that. I didn't see the video of it because there was an advert on it.

Oh, no, there was. Yeah. But, sorry, I really wanted to see. I thought I'd really enjoy this, and then there was something for a Pixar film, and I thought, no, no, I'm sorry. She was on the boyfriend's yacht, Jamie Packer. Yes.

Now, in a list of people it's hard to feel sorry for, number 73, the woman who falls on the steps on her billionaire boyfriend's yacht. On her 450-pound shoes. Yeah, I didn't see that picture and think, you know what, darling, I feel your pain. You just think, well, you know, it's going to be damp on a yacht. No, but I liked him because I liked that he didn't move a muscle.

He didn't even, he had both arms because he was on a waiting sort of dinghy affair and he had both arms outstretched in the man at the cinema on the first date pose, waiting for her. And as she fell, all the staff ran to her aid. He didn't even move a hand, he didn't move his face, he didn't move a muscle. He was a billionaire.

Yeah. He's got people to do rescue him for him. I bet he did move a hand. I bet there was a bit of him when she fell over, he absentmindedly just checked his phone, thinking, oh, there's going to be a little delay here, I'll just have a little scroll through the emails and then back. See, it's the person, someone was telling me

there was a photo shoot with Mariah. Yeah. And she did this thing where she was chewing gum and then when it came to the photo, the personal assistant held her hand out and she just dropped the gum into her hand. Are you not meant to do that? Sorry, Charlie.

I suppose, you know. And I think she was one of the ones that you had to face the other way or something. Oh, really? One of those? You know, I married her. I've told you that before. You married her? I married her. You married Mariah Carey?

Yes. And it didn't work out? No, it was all right. Oh. I don't have any complaints. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Yeah, so poor old Mariah. Oh, you were telling us that you married her.

Yes, I married her. I played the part of a vicar on SMTV. SMTV? And she married Deck. Did she? But I married them, if you know what I mean, because I was the vicar. I've worked with them all. How did you find her?

She didn't come to rehearse or anything. But she knew all the lines. She's very professional but she didn't mingle. But you know, she was an enormous star at the time. I have to say- He's an enormous star now.

Aye. What? Well that was one of the- I mean you couldn't help thinking when she fell- Oh yeah? That she is- Oh aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, come on. When she went for the implants, you know when he says, well say when, and then he said, sorry I said say-

Yeah, yes I heard! I he said, sorry, I said... Yeah, yes, I heard. I heard you, just carry on. I love the idea that's how they do implants. Say when? Like you cover your glass. Stop looking at me, just carry on, carry on. We should say we don't know if she definitely has had them. No, no, it could have been an infection.

But, you know, you think, oh, great, I'll keep going, keep going, keep going. And then you get older, you know, life gets a bit more precarious. Precarious? Could save a life. Oh, precarious! Precarious, that's what they say. Right, that's the next album, precarious. Exactly. All her back catalogue, precarious.

Oh, perfect, perfect. Precarious catalogue precarious. Oh, perfect. Oh, that'd be a good British hit, wouldn't it? Pre-carious, yeah. Very clever. She won't go for it, Frank. No, she won't. I don't think she even listens to the- She never did. Even during your short-lived marriage she wouldn't take your advice.

No, she hates a pun. Hmm. Oh, she hates angle. I'll tell you what though, when she stumbled and fell and- Like Macy Gray. I did think she might have brought it on herself, because it said in the paper she was wearing killer heels. Well, if you wear killer heels, you're asking for trouble, aren't you?

Those big wedges. Thank you for getting it right, they weren't killer heels, they were corky wedges. Corky wedges. Yeah. £450 for shoes made of cork. Corky wedges. Unbelievable.

There's enough corks in our house, you could make a pair of them for about nothing, well, the price of the glue. How come there's corks in our house that you could make a pair of them for about nothing at the price of the glue. How come there's corks in your house? From the wine. Oh. The constant wine. I'm pleased for her that she was wearing

what I'm going to call the forgiving sarong. Yes. Because if you're going to take a tumble, make sure you've got a forgiving sarong on. Yeah. Please. She always looks like she's got very soft skin, I think, Mariah. She then changes into

an unforgiving wetsuit at a point later. No respect to her, though. She did. And went for a swim whilst she had her sunglasses on. She must have to carry some weights

to get to submerge. Dang! With the airbags, do you know? Yeah, exactly. You're never going to get precarious off the ground with talk like this. Oh, precarious.

Yeah. Fight to her people. Handle with Carrie. Nice. That could be another one. She gets to go with George Carey. Jim Carey. Victor Carey, the Booker Prize winner.

Loads of Careys when you think about it. What about an album about the Careys? Stop it! It's just not say anything, though. It's just saying Carrie. Oh, hell. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I feel like we should go to Peppa Pig News, a new section of the show. The Lib Dem leadership contender, Norman Lamb. Me neither. No, Norman Lamb, I think, is in Peppa Pig. He should be. He's one of the characters. Yeah. Why isn't he?

He said that it wasn't out of bounds for characters on the popular programme to be homosexual. Discuss. Oh, that's a hospital pass. I'd like 3,000 words by Monday. Do we know? Well, we should say one of our dearest friends plays Mummy Pig. We should declare our interest.

Should we say that? What if there's children listening? No, it's fine. Oh, don't be so ridiculous. They had a pride march, I think, which had declared our interest. Should we say that? What if there's children listening? No, it's fine. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't be so ridiculous. They had a pride march, I think, in Peppermint. Did they? Well, it was lions. Very good. No, apart from

when they went to Buckingham Palace, I don't think there's any human beings in it. Oh, probably not. They met the Queen, who was voiced by Moena. I like the fact that you're going through actual episodes in your memory now. Sorry, this is Frank's version of

the friends, like the one where... No, but they're all animals. You know, animals are a bit... That's great. When other people are going, do you remember that Seinfeld where you're going, how about when Peppa Pig went to Buckingham Palace? Yeah, she went to Buckingham Palace. But do animals have a designated preference? Seinfeld where you're going, what about when Peppa Pig went to Buckingham Palace? She went to Buckingham Palace.

But do animals have a designated preference? What do you mean? Animals, they're not. I mean, we had a dog once. I like the sound of this anecdote. I mean, well, I have to tailor it somewhat. You've heard the phrase scatter cushions.

Well, they used to scatter when he came. He was... I mean, they're animals. Yeah. Is he sort of in Attenborough? What was he mad for? Attenborough never dwells on, but the fact is... No.

There was a lizard this week that was found to change its sexuality if it was hot enough. They're all at it? Yeah. God, can we say sexuality this time of the month? Of course you can. Let me check the... Some of the things you say... We can, as long as we don't at it. Yeah. Can we say sexuality this time of the month? Of course you can. Let me check the... Some of the things you say...

We can, as long as we don't say it too loudly. Oh, okay. That's fine. That's according to the absolute... I think it's a very good idea. Yeah, me too. And Peppa Pig is perfect, actually. Peppa Pig is perfect. This could be the new Peter Piper pig.

She previously got in trouble in the Politically Correct Brigade because apparently a lot of kids refuse to wear their seatbelt because Peppa Pig doesn't. And so she drives around in the car and they're like, I'm not putting my seatbelt on because Peppa Pig doesn't. Some mainly Scottish kids, wasn't it? They started putting Peppa in a seatbelt. I went to a children's farm?

Stop name-dropping. The other week. I mean, there was animals. You'll probably get another email from that guy saying, I love it that Frank does normal things. Yeah, well, I went to this farm, and there was a lady who showed us around. He didn't say it was Roger Daltrey's farm.

And she said... I was with... It was a nursery trip, so there was... Oh, yeah. It was me. And it was, let me get this right, three female members of staff, 12 moms. Oh, lovely. And 17 children. And seal. There was a seal. There I carry.

There was a seal, if I remember rightly. Right. Any other dads? No, no dads. Oh, you filthy creep. But anyway, we got to the pig enclosure, and the lady showing us around, she said, Right, children, now, why do we keep pigs, do you think?

What do we get from pigs? And I thought, where's this going to go? First of all, she said, Look, this pig is chewing stones and that's how it cleans its teeth. And I didn't know that. But I thought, do I want to tell children this? So they chew stones?

But I thought, it's fine. But then she said, so what do we use pigs for? And she was lovely and really, I learnt a lot. I had no idea that reindeer's feet make a noise so they can find each other in a snowstorm. So do one of me? Good info. Good info, that. But, um,

she said, so what do we, what do we keep pigs? Why do people keep pigs? And I thought she's not going to, uh, she said just bacon, sauce, and I thought, we're trying, that's a link, we're trying, when I say link, it wasn't a sausage, yeah. It, we're trying to not, you know, hammer that home at the moment.

Well, because... I like hammer. Honestly, they just drop off me like windfall fruit, the ponds. I can't stop it. Yeah, because I don't want him to think that we're the sort of people who would sanction the killing of animals for food. Well... I mean, we are.

Sorry about the society he's been born into, then. Absolute Radio, everyone. Yes, we discuss homosexuality and vegetarianism in the same link. What do you mean, fired? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. This Peppa Pig thing, I think, I think is to be encouraged, because I've got to be honest, I think the gay relationships seem a bit less fraught on the whole. Fraught? Everyone wants the same thing, don't they? Yeah. And there's no-one saying, it's fine.

You'd never hear that again. What, in a passive-aggressive way? Well, with the male-female, yeah. I don't know. It's possible to idealise this thing from the outside. I imagine the falling out can be just as bad. Yeah. Interesting. Perhaps it is any...

Taking a siege turn now. Any gay people listening, perhaps you can give us some... Yeah, you can tell us. What about, I had an idea If you had the Peppa Pig, they could have the dating app Call it Rinder Oh, very good That's excellent

Absolutely excellent And maybe because it's a cartoon, Peppa Pig could say I'm gay, let's just draw a line under it Draw a line under it We could do loads of cartoon And pun based. Because we could do loads of cartoon and pun-based stuff. Well, we could. Sorry, was I a little rash?

Was I a little rash? Oh, my goodness me. There is a character called Miss Rabbit. Uh-oh. Oh. I'm worried about where this is going. She drives a bus. Yeah.

She drives a rescue helicopter. And she operates the car crushing machine. Wow. Now, I'm not saying that's hard and fast. But, I mean, there's a suggestion that Miss Rabbit lives an independent life. Uh-huh. So, you know, I mean, it's her business.

Yeah. But I'm saying she is in the programme. They don't have to be out? Is that what Lammy said, that they have to be out? Lammo? Lammy? Oh, I don't know. Anyway.

Guess what we haven't discussed? It's a great show, can I say that? Is it? It is. Peppa Pig. Can you get me the box set? You watch it and you think, after a bit, you know, you think, you know, there is something really pleasurable about watching it.

Is there a particular season you could recommend to me? Well, they overlap quite a bit. Oh, do they? What? But there's a few. I really like the one when Miss Pig, Miss Rabbit is driving the train and the train breaks down and they have to put it in

Grandpa Pig's well it's not she calls it a toy train but you know it's not that one sounds great is that the best one to get me started well it's a place they all work pretty well

the one with the dancing fruits that's um... Hold on a minute. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Got a couple of bits of closure on things that we've put out there.

Earlier in the show. The engraved part on a shotgun is called a receiver from Andy in Huddersfield. Good info. And hi, team. Hopefully someone hasn't already answered this. I'm listening on 90s. The reason Pat Cash had his fingernails painted

was for every game Marcus Bagdatis, I don't know how to spell his last name, sorry, won. So every game that he won, he painted his nail. Oh, I see. Oh, God, I hate those things when people say. Oh, if we did this, I'll shave my head. He looks good, though, the cashmeister.

Yeah, he does. He looks all right. He's always a handsome chap. What about, did you see Andy Murray throw his sweatband into the posh bit? Into the crowd, yeah. You could say every part of it, moreband into the posh bit? Into the crowd, yeah. You could say every part of it, but it's the posh bit. Someone wearing a hat. The chairman of the All England Tennis Club, he threw it to him.

Yes, he did. That's the whole point of throwing stuff into the crowd, is that, you know... A normal gets it. Yeah. Yeah. And then he handed it to Camilla. What did he say he handed it? I think it was like that woman that took the football shirt off that kid the other week.

Give that to me. I'm a member of the royal family. I like she did the poshest thing ever when she received it, which is that she got out a fan. Did she? Yeah. As if, it was a very Victorian reaction, as if she was overwhelmed. Really? You don't think she was just like, this honks.

I watched the Andy Murray Haas game and I doubt there was any sweat on that sweat band. It was one of the most one-sided games I've seen. How is he world number three? I mean, I know he's good for us, but that can't be right, is it? I love the idea.

Andy Murray can't be number three in the whole world. He's British. I am 77. He is. He's going to regret that. I love that idea Andy Murray can't be number 3 in the whole world I am 77 he is I love that radio station he's really going to regret that when he's 77 in the world would it be great if Camilla wore that when he wins oh no

sorry I think we've closed that joke for her it would be nice if Camilla wore that though rather than it being one of those gifts that just gets put on the side. If she actually... If forever now you saw her with her normal clothes on but with an Andy Murray sweatband... Well, it was a big sweatband. I thought he had double casts. And in, like, 30 years' time, they could be doing those... You know those stories that they do about Princess...

What's her name wearing that dress again? Princess Anne. She wore a dress that was 35 years old. Daily Mail, 35 years time. Camilla wears sweatband again. Wouldn't that be nice? It would. She could wear it like a roll neck jumper.

Well, she pocketed it. It was in her bag, Andy said. Pocketed it. Girlfriend's so going to put that on eBay. Prince Andrew would have had it on eBay in a trice. Here he comes. Here he is! Thank you so much for listening,

and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.