The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Portmanteau

Episode Date: November 8, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank was away so Emily, Alun and Steve Hall were let loose in the studio. They discussed the new John Lewis advert, manliness and Katie Melua's unfortunate Spider incident.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Emily Dean. Sorry about that. It would normally be the Frank Skinner show. He's not here this morning. I don't know what the reasons are, but can I say it's mightily suspicious that today is the last episode of Doctor Who? I think those people treat it as like a sort of holiday, isn't it? It's like Christmas or something for them. You think he's nesting already?

I think he's cold and sick because it's his special Doctor Who day. And I think for those people, for men that still live with their parents, that's a big deal. Frank has, of course, moved out of the family home. We miss him unbearably, obviously, but if you haven't switched off already at the news that he's not here, I can tell you I'm joined today

by the adorable cockerel. Morning. Good morning. And the luscious Steve Hall. Good morning. Steve, you received quite a lot of ribbing last week. I did. About your attire.

I was ribbed for Frank's pleasure. In great detail. Possibly the worst thing you've ever said in your whole life. Oh, I doubt that. We attacked you for wearing a jacket. I did, yes, indeed. I've deliberately gone in your whole life. Oh, I doubt that. We attacked you for wearing a jacket. I did, yes, indeed. I've deliberately gone sort of more casual. I was away last week,

but it sounds like the whipping boy status was fully taken up on commercial radio. It's a shame, that, because that's one of the things I like about this show, that there's not a whipping boy where people just get bullied. Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from from me this morning.

Hey, do you know, we got in the papers this week. No. Yes, because Frank told his Kate Moss Halloween story. I say papers, it was the online edition of the Birmingham Chronicle or something like that. Excellent. No, but he did, because you know he told this story about Halloween.

Oh, you weren't here, sorry, Alan. I wasn't here, and confessions early on, I haven't heard last week's show. I've got to do all the business. You can text us in. I was very well dressed. That's all I heard, yeah, yeah. Stop talking.

I'm talking. Text in on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show. Have we got an email? Yeah. What is it? Something Absolute. Something Absolute Radio website.

I don't know what it is. We've actually already had a text of encouragement. A text? One text? A text of encouragement. I'm going to say it. It's a text of encouragement, so bear with it. A, no frank, question mark, question mark,

not sure about this, like, I don't know, cheese sandwich with no pickle, bangers and no mash, chicken madras, peas, rice, Bombay potatoes, matapaneer, kemanan, poppadoms, but no tarkadal. OK, let's see how it goes. Let's just call it jam on toast. Just make sure it's sliced bloomer, please.

That's from Neil in Penge. Thanks for your encouragement, Neil. Yeah, thanks for comparing me to jam on toast. Don't text when hungry as well. We'll do our best by you. If I'm jam, can I at least be Fortnum & Mason's jam or something? Lovely. I need to... I've got a lot to talk about this morning.

A lot of it centres on me. But I do need to talk to the Cockerel. We're going to have to have this out on air. Oh, OK. What have we done? Well, there was an incident pre-show, which I'd like to share with the listeners. Steve Hall, you were there as well. The Cockerel is doing his show at the moment.

Tickets still available. Too right. It's called, what is it? Cockerel Me Neither. Alan Cockerel Me Neither. Okay. Whatever. Soho Theatre, Tuesday to Saturday.

That's getting embarrassing. I'm fine with it. But we were talking about the show, and I said, in what I thought was a very nice, friendly gesture, oh, I'll have to come along. Was I going to come? No. Oh, weren't you? No, I might have come. I've got a lot on.

I've got the Hunger Games premiere on Monday. But anyway, I said... Tickets still available. Tickets very much not still available. I said, oh, I'll have to come along. And you said, isn't it a bit late for you with your civilian job? OK, Steve Hall, a few words on that, please. Well, I mean, obviously, your civilian job is very well, you know, you work very hard at your civilian job.

Unlike this one. But possibly the cockerel meant that because you might have other commitments at the Chiltern Firehouse. Yeah, that's... I thought you were brunching at Chiltern the next day and I thought, you can't be up listening to me tell jokes until perhaps 11.20.

11.15. You called me a civilian and I will never forgive you for that. Oh well, this is a bad start. We're on for three hours. We're going to have a lot to get through. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, I've got to talk to you both about my near-death experience. Are you okay? Well, you'll soon find out. Because I had a choking incident this week. Oh, it does. Terrifying. Was it a crucial moment in a penalty shootout?

Oh, no, I'll set the scene for you. I was at the headquarters of Instar magazine, which is my civilian job, Alan. What time in the morning was it? It stops me turning into a complete monster. It's been civilified. It's very handy, I find it.

It's very good for you. Civilified is good. I was working. That's what we do in civilian jobs. I'm led to believe that, yeah. I was probably, at this exact moment this week, I would probably have been watching the Ray Romano sitcom on telly on Channel 4 because it would have been a morning, you know, in football shorts, something like that.

Do you watch a lot of Jeremy Kyle? No, I don't. I don't really put the telly on Channel 4 because it would have been a morning in football shorts, something like that. Do you watch a lot of Jeremy Kyle? No, I don't. I don't really put the telly on during the day. He so does. It goes on at 9 o'clock, doesn't it? Anyway, I was working in my office. I was actually googling underwear, I seem to recall. I wasn't working. I would have

been doing much the same. Turns out we've got more in common than we think. Anyway, I suddenly got gripped by what we call in the fashion industry, hanger. Do you know what that is, Alan? Oh, yeah, we've covered hanger many, many times. Steve, are you familiar with the concept of hanger? Indeed.

Well, what is it? It's slightly confusing in the fashion industry. There's hanger and hanger. Yeah. It's one of those portm hanger and hanger. Yeah. It's one of those portmanteau words. Correct. So it's hungry and angry. Very good, yes.

At the same time. Very good. Very good work. Tune in next week on Radio 4's... Steve Hall, Cambridge. ...extremely we love. No, you're actually Oxford, aren't you? I am, yes.

Ugh, how ghastly. I did terribly. Oh, it issues much. Anyway, I ghastly. I did terribly. It issues much. Anyway, I had terrible hangover. So, all that was available in the office was some promotional chocolate from Claire's Accessories. You know what it's like in your day job, Alan. So, I took a bite. Some of the other ladies were there from Insta.

I took a bite. I found myself suddenly in the middle of a terrible coughing fit. Oh, no really bad and i and i suddenly thought i can't breathe i can't actually breathe i think what had happened is a bit of um hardened promotional icing sugar had fallen it got trapped at the back of my throat so i was choking so the instar ladies reacted in what i can only describe as a very fashion way lucy who who's a willowy blonde, stood there looking at me whilst I gasped my throat and went Oh God, how awful! Didn't help me at all,

didn't rush to assist me, just said Oh God, how awful. Chloe, they're all called things like Lucy and Chloe. When you say she's a willowy blonde, do you mean she looks like Warwick David? No, I don't, funnily enough. So Chloe, who was on the phone, she didn't say, I'll call you back, the deputy editor's choking.

She went, could you just hang on one second? Put it on hold. Didn't actually put the phone down. I later discovered she was ordering flowers. That's what she couldn't break off from. That's pretty impressive. Yeah, we might want to add to that order. Send the gift basket to New Look and can you do us a wreath?

Because the deputy editor's just writhing around on the floor because of some chocolate. It was awful. So then those two are kind of flailing around. One of the other ladies, thank God, had the presence of mind. Claire, she came rushing over. She said, pick her up! Pick her up! Oh, really? Yeah. She'd be useful in a bar scenario.

Yeah. And so she did. She grabbed me from behind. She gave me what she later said was the Heimlich manoeuvre. Really? I didn't know that the Heimlich manoeuvre involved grabbing you by both breasts, but apparently it does. Right. Well, now that that's out there,

there could be a spate of Heimlich movies going around the country this afternoon. But the icing sugar was dislodged, and I'm here to tell the tale. You're here to tell the tale. It's a happy ending, isn't it? That's good. So another civilian survives. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I'm joined by Alan and I'm joined by Steve. Now, we need a text-in this morning. I always forget to do a text-in. Can't let the standard slip while Frank's off.

When he's been off previously on ER, I've done things... What was the worst text I did? How much is a wall? Yes, I did do that. Did builders text in? They did a bit, yeah. They did.

I think mainly... The answer boiled down to it depends how big a wall you want, really, didn't it? Very philosophical response there from the building community. I wasn't sure what to do this week i actually asked a friend what he thought and he came up with a great idea which is what's the best shape coin oh good good good shout yeah that sounds very unconvincing no i like it you see i that's quite growing on me i think that's good i would go i was going to say 50p but i'm also quite a fan of the pound coin. Pound coin's good. The drum

sort of architecture of it. Yeah. It's quite dense. It's a very, the aesthetic, the act of putting a pound coin into a quiz machine or a jukebox. That's a wonderful feeling. It's not something Alan's ever felt before. No, I keep mine. What's your favourite coin, Al? Best shaped

coin? Oh, no, I agree with you on the pound. Straight away, I thought of pound. Do you like the pound? Where's their talk? Were they thinking of replacing the pound coin? They're not having mine. Updating it. I think they were going to redo it to make it better for security. It was going to be 12-sided like the old Thrapney bit. Don't say that on the radio, please, Steve.

What about when I said this week to someone, this was awful, I was paying my therapist, actually. I don't know why I give her cash. We'll have to discuss that next session. Anyway, there was a £10 note in there nestling and I said, sorry about the £10. They're going to have to stop phasing these out soon, aren't they? She looked at me and I think it might come up.

My attitude towards money. So you can either text us about your favourite coin or the best shaped coin, actually. Have we got any other texts? What else can we text? Yes, I wanted to discuss it's the epoch defining John Lewis Christmas ad. Oh, we need to talk about the John Lewis ad!

Alright, let's talk about the John Lewis ad. Okay, well I'm quite excited. It's become an annual tradition now. Christmas. Yes, I love it. Christmas has definitely become an annual tradition. The John Lewis ad is as big a part of Christmas as blocking the toilet on Christmas Day.

Oh. Around about 8pm. Absolutely disgusting household. And I feel the same way about the advert. Do you? Do you not enjoy it? I find it slightly uncomfortable, the fact that it's an advert and people treat it as this romantic thing. Have you seen the advert?

I have seen the advert, but I know what you mean, because the advert has merch. You can buy books and teddies for the advert. Can I say I love your use of merch there? I find that weird, though, because the advert is an advert. Yes. For it to have merch, it's like... Yes, that's why it's an advert.

It's like my Alan Cochran at the Soho Theatre flyer. Ticket's still available. It's embarrassing, Steve. It's like my flyer having a separate pamphlet that you could buy on the night. Oh, you can also buy the pamphlet of the flyer for £1.50. That's the frustrating thing, to watch the advert online, you can also buy the pamphlet of the flyer for £1.50. That's the frustrating thing, to watch the advert online, which is hosted on certain news sites.

You had to sit through loads of adverts before you could watch the advert. I just want to get to the advert! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Have we had any texts in, please?

We have. We've had texts about... That was a bit beggy-beggy, wasn't it? The please. You're not meant to do that on radio shows. We've had texts both about the favourite coin. What's your favourite shape coin? Oh, that's good. What do they say? Well, one text, 206, says, Best shapes coin is one that a mid-40s dad can extract

from three-year-old son's money box without making noise to alert young ears. Can I marry that man, please? I love him. He's into parenting in modern Britain there. And we've also had a text from Paul. text to be fair it's what my parents did so they just made me sign the back of the check saying the advert promotes penguin trafficking that's a good point it does if you think about it oh the john lewis advert the john lewis advert yes penguin and arranged marriages exactly the more you look at this ad, the more... Also, can I say, that penguin, what a creep.

He's got game. He is the most fit. Well, we'll get on to him. I've got a lot to say about that penguin. We've had a tweet from Martin Williams. Put your libido before your mates. That's basically what he does. I don't approve of that. Sorry, we've had what, 30? Martin Williams has tweeted to point out that

Christmas ads always have a little boy wearing an old-style dressing gown and slippers. Yes! Yeah. Why are the children in ads, in those John Lewis ads, they're always 1950s children that don't exist anymore with a tank top and a shirt? Are they what I call BBC children?

Instead of like... Or are ITV children wearing velour onesies? What we call modern children now would of like... ITV children wear velour onesies. What we call modern children now would be like chewing gum and with their hood up and just perhaps, you know, with like a flick knife. Something a bit more aggressive. He would be entering that penguin into a penguin fighting ring.

One of those Asbo ankle bracelet things. With a tag on. Next year's John Lewis advert will have a tagged child. Electronic tag chic as I call it. Yes. So this penguin character. Tag on. Next year's John Lewis advert will have a tagged child. Electronic tag cheek, as I call it. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, so this Penguin character. Yeah.

Shall we just proceed, in case anyone hasn't seen the John Lewis ad? Yeah, there's a Penguin in it. There's a child. They're watching Pingu on a John Lewis telly. We can't name check every single John Lewis product that's in this ad. No, because they all are. Yeah. He does a lot of stuff with the Penguin, doesn't he on the trampoline they play lego all sorts and then at the end it's revealed that it's his stuffed toy so it's a pretty direct theft of calvin and hobbes but

that's a you know it's a very very particular gripe i've got i love it when steve gets a bit technical when he gets gripey yeah can say, you've skipped straight to the end. You've missed out the bit where the penguin gets a little bit creepy. The penguin, he starts watching It's a Wonderful Life, which is, you know, quite specialist, if you know what I'm saying. Christmassy. Yeah, but he gets fixated on it. Then he sees a couple kissing at the bus stop, quite an elderly couple.

Right. And he gets obsessed by that. So the child rewards him. But why is the penguin checking out human beings, getting off with each other? I think it's absolutely disgusting. Why is this normal? Yeah, we're normalising

this penguin looking at other creatures. That's not right, is it? Well, no, it's what he's looking at the creatures doing that I find offensive. In their amorous state. I'm going to say it, the penguin is a voyeur. Yeah. He is. We shouldn't be allowing this, really.

They reckon that the advert cost a million pounds to make and it's part of a seven million pound publicity campaign. I mean, I couldn't see that million pounds on screen. I know it all looks fine. I've done a bit of research and that money mainly went on Sprats. And the kid in it got £350 for a day's shoot

but the rest of it is Sprats. I hate the fact that they say it went viral. If it costs £7 million, it doesn't go viral. Charlie bit my finger. That's something going viral. That is viral, yeah. A frog and a chimp behaving unusually. That's viral.

We're so pleased with our £7 million underground hits. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What were we talking about? Oh, that penguin. We were actually running various strands of text-ins, Emily.

Oh, we juggle here. I just took a selfie of myself. And you normally do take selfies of oneself. I was going to say, Natch. Yeah, but Daisy, the producer, caught me saying, as I took it, I am cute. Of myself. Wow. That is I am Zlatan levels of ego. Good for you. Good for you.

We've actually had a text from Gordon from St Albans who said Emily, you also had a what's your favourite private jet story as a pony. Oh God, I did. Which I had forgotten completely. I think I did. That was my woman of the people summer. And a text very much for you

Emily, I despise one and two pence coins too small, dirty, coloured and there is nothing literally nothing one can buy with them thanks I should point out they said dirty coloured rather than the way you enunciated it no, no, no, I think we knew

I inserted an extra comma do you know my godmother used to throw them in the bin and I know that is disgusting, I realise that. That's funny. But I quite liked it. I always do keep the change with one and two P coins, don't you? Oh, as in... It's gone very silent here.

It's gone very silent. No, I do. No, you don't, Alan. I do, I totally do. Out of everyone in this studio, you were the... I put them in the charity pots that are next to the till, usually. Oh, that's nice. I always remember my student list.

I once paid for a double-decker with nothing but two peas. That was a dignified moment in my life. That must have been embarrassing. That was the dignified moment in your life, I think. And you being at that lovely Oxford as well. How embarrassing. Yes. Oh, the penguin.

The penguin. That penguin. Yeah, I just... Of all the aquatic... What is it? It's an aquatic bird, isn't it, Steve? I think you can say that. Yeah.

Is that what you call it? It's my least favourite. Is it? I just... There's something untrustworthy. Put it this way, I wouldn't... A lot of people find them very clownish, like they're naturally funny, the penguin.

No, but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my iPhone with the penguin. I just think he'd have a look. Yeah. He's got those little darting eyes. I don't like it. It's slightly tricky in the arm department to use it, you know. Would he be looking through your phone for shellfish?

Shellfish? Yeah, why not? Shellfish? Nearly. Nearly scans. Do you know what? I like to think it's what Frank would have wanted. What? He'd be very proud. That terrible pun. Absolutely terrible pun. Also, yeah, I don't know.

I just, I don't know what it is. I just have a slight irrational dislike of them. So you acknowledge it's an irrational thing. Yeah, because everyone says they're so cute and aren't they lovely. And I think, well, are they? They've got horrible, cold, darty eyes. That weird cape thing they wear all the time. And they stink.

You've made them sound vampiric. Yeah, they are a bit. I get that with animals sometimes. There are just certain animals I'm not, I don't, you know. They wear a cape and they stink. You make them sound like my goth mate at university. But that's irrational, isn't it? Whereas some fears of animals and dislike of animals...

I hate moths. I hate them. Moths are awful. Do you? Why don't you like moths? Well, because they're creepy. They come out at night when you're just about to go to bed. Like when you're turning the lights off and they're like... And you're feeling all vulnerable. They're just not nice.

And they do that weird feathery thing when you kill them. You know, when they sort of go and they turn into like a weird... Yes! Can we just say Absolute Radio does not endorse the murder of moths? They ate one of my jumpers, so I'm pretty fine with it. They've started this.

An act of moth murder. Exactly. You know what I'd say about the moth? I'd call them party friends. What? Well, they only come out at night, don't they? No, there's nothing cool about them. There's nothing cool about them. She only comes out at night.

She's a jumper eater. Is that one of your own penned songs? Is it Hall and Oates? Oh, here she comes. Very good. Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. Okay, calm it down.

This is sounding like a pub now. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking about all sorts of things on Absolute Radio this morning. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner. I'm with Steve Hall and, um, Alan... I forgot your name. No, I didn't really.

Um... I was going to call you Lecoq Sportif. Yeah, I'll take that. And then I was going to call you Alan Cockrell. Yeah, no, you can't blend those two. Alan the Cockrell Cochran. I love you, Cochran. You're a darts player. So what are we talking about?

Best shape coins. We've had a text on that score. Have we? How extraordinary. What have they said? 514. It's a crown, of course, is his best coin. Have you ever held one? It's like a florin on steroids. They don't make them like that anymore. Oh, I love a florin. Can I just say that's actually from Neil again,

who was the chap that compared us to Jam on Toast earlier in the show. So he's stuck with us. So is he the only person texting us? No, but I think it's interesting that he said that he was going and now he's stuck with it. He's obviously, he's digging it, yeah? We don't normally read praise.

We've had quite a few tweets from people who saw Frank last night in Cheltenham and loved it. And as he's not here, I feel we can mention praise in his absence. Oh, please mention? And as he's not here, I feel we can mention praise in his absence. Oh, please mention praise. I have no problem with praise whatsoever. Go on. Lots of people saw Frank last night.

Ferocious Styles is their Twitter handle. Oh, they're talking about his clothes. That's rather rude. Ferocious Styles is when Harry gets a bit leery. I love that rapper. Yeah, so also, I want to get back on the subject of animals. By the way, people should text in, you can text in about coins. Why don't you text in, is there an animal that you irrationally dislike?

I've already said I don't really like penguins. I feel ambivalent about a lot of the animal community, if I'm honest. I'm not like, you know, celebrities. Can I put that quote on your tour poster? Might help ticket sales. Do you know these celebrities that bang on about how much they love pandas or chimpanzees? If I was ever famous enough to warrant that, I'd just... And they went, all right, Alan, what animal do you want to save?

I'd be like, my dog. That's it. That's it. It all stops at my dog. And then I'm the one that loves to leave Save the whales No, save my dog My actual dog But it's perfectly fine anyway, thank you Can I tell you what I don't like? I mean she doesn't love fireworks

I don't like slugs Oh yeah, what's the point? I don't know what's the point That's rather rude No, can I tell you what I don't like about slugs? Not good for the garden, are they? I don't care about that because I have a gardener. That's his problem, not mine.

He's also U2's gardener. I think I've pointed this out to you before. Us two. No, Volo's gardener. He just turns up even though I haven't asked him. But what I don't like about slugs is that they've got an inability to hide their true feelings and I don't asked him. Brilliant. But what I don't like about slugs is that they've got an inability to hide their true feelings, and I don't respect that.

There's no poker face. If I come near it, they all shrivel up. Yeah, yeah. Don't do that. You've got to have some cool about you. That's the thing about slugs. It's their lack of gumption and bravado. That's the thing that really annoys people.

They've got awful physiques, no contouring and no eyes. Other than that. They have nothing to offer me as creatures. There's things where it's an irrational. There are things like pigeons I'm not fond of, but I think that's fairly rational. Ostriches, I have a very irrational dislike of. My tummy just rumbled, which is always a great moment.

It's the mention of ostrich. I don't like ostriches because they look like Bobby Davro doing an impression of Mick Jagger. That's one of the reasons. The very specific reason not to like an animal. Are they your worst animal? Susan has texted, frogs I don't like, they always jump out at you

when you least expect it. Slimy, yuck, yuck. It's a good point, though. I don't like frogs. I like frogs. Let's see more right. OK, I can't think of a better note on which to leave things. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. We miss Frank a great deal. We don't know where he is. Where is he, Daisy?

Oh, don't just shrug at me like that, like an angry teenager. We've had a few people texting saying, you've barely mentioned him. Is he fine? Is that what they said? Yeah. Oh, we've got to give him his propers.

Now he's at that age. People have'll have to make sure don't say that is it all right he's doing his lovely little show yeah man in a suit yeah he's uh he's a busy man in a suit isn't he i'm launching my rival show homeless man in a suit have you got over that whole jacket yeah no i'm recovered it was it was good fun anyway i hate to pull you back to your actual business, but it's the top of the hour, isn't it? What does that mean? You're meant to say who we are and where we are. I've just done it.

Have you just done it? Yeah, I did that at the beginning. They can text the show on 8-12-15, I believe. And they have been, actually, with their least favourite animals. I can't believe he suggested I didn't do my business, Daisy. To be honest, I think I might have been. First thing I did when I came back. Why didn't you sit here, I think I might have. First thing I did when I came back. Why didn't you sit here then?

I might have been reading the text messages when you did it. I like the way you said it as if it was your dog. Have you done your business? I've opened the back door. Don't treat me like a whippet, although I do admire the thinness of the whippet. Oh, they've got amazing things. They're my thinspiration, the whippets. Thinspiration, I like.

Is that a well-known? That is another portmanteau. It is. Is that a well-known one? It is in my house. Oh, that's great. Thinspiration, the whippets. Thinspiration, I like. Is that a well-known... That is another portmanteau. It is. Is that a well-known one? It is in my house. Oh, that's great. Thinspiration. We were asking what animals people have irrational dislikes of.

Oh, yes, what animals do you hate? I hated slugs because they had no eyes. Well, some of them are quite rational. 543 has texted, slugs are actually homeless snails. Yes, that's true. Good point. 817, I hate monkeys. You're just. Yes, that's true. Good point. 817, I hate monkeys, you're just try-hards.

You're not people, stop it. From Abby. I love that. The PG Tips adverts of yesteryear must have driven her mad. I love the idea of monkeys being try-hards. And Les in Aberdeen, re, I still like a re on a text, re worst

animals. I have a strange phobia of hedgehogs. They move unnaturally fast. Do they? I think they're an oddly attired animal, certainly. I think they might be one of those ones that can scuttle like... They're scuttlers. Anything that scuttles. They can move like vermin.

They're not, like, you expect them to be kind of plodding hedgehogs, but I think they can really shift. Good point, Les. Tortoises are a bit faster than I would have thought as well. Are they? I've not encountered them. Well, I think Nicolaire said this cliche about them being slow, but I find them speedy, these little creatures. That was all part of their betting set-up with the hare.

Yeah, yeah, they were playing the long game. That's the full story of the hare and the tortoise. It was actually a dodgy Chinese betting room. So you can text us this morning about animals you hate, and also we're doing best-shaped coins as well. We established, what did we like? I liked 50. That was quite Route 150. But we all liked pound coin.

It's a very used... What did you like, Steve? I'm a fan of the pound coin, but specifically for a jukebox or a pub quiz. OK. I'm indifferent the rest of the time. OK. But not a pub quiz, a quiz machine, I should say. Oh, yeah. Oh oh no the act actually the act if there's a if there's a good old-fashioned pint

glass going around oh yeah and it's a quid in to join the quiz that's a that's a lovely thing when you win a pub quiz and you get a tankard full of pound coins yeah you shower yourself when you win also what sort of world do you inhabit yeah Yeah. Where do you stand on the dimpled? I've never worn a pint glass. Pint glass. Oh, I love a dimpled pint glass. So do I. Oh, I love that.

Okay, I'm glad we all established what pint glasses we like. Steve Hall, I need to talk to you. What, what, what? Absolutely. What, Steve Hall is home alone? I am indeed. My delightful wife and delightful four-month-old baby have gone back to the wife's native land of Australia for a full month.

Brilliant. I mean, terrible. I think you mean they've been transported. But we'll be back in a second. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Steve Hall, so you're home alone. I am home alone, and it's a weird thing to go from being a new dad and having the domestic set-up to suddenly...

Cans of Stella littered all around the city. Exactly, being on my own again, living like a student once more. Men behaving badly. It's men behaving tragically. Are there socks drying on the radiator? There are socks drying on the... Yes, indeed. Just get on with it and don't...

I've been doing lots of... It's quite nice. I've been sort of making the most of the time. I've been doing lots of slightly weird single-man things to do. So I went... I dined alone at Claridge's. What? On Wednesday.

I saw you Sherlock Holmes. I got regard... And they were looking at me like I... Like it was my last meal before I went on some weird killing spree. We need to go back. What on earth possessed you? Did you ring up and book a table? Who does that?

Even I don't do that, Alan. No, the sad thing is I booked it months ago. What? I booked it about the moment the wife told me she was going to go back and use the maternity leave to visit the family in Australia. I was straight on... Phone to clarity!

Because Simon Rogan, who runs Long Clume in Cubria, and it's his first proper... What are you talking about? I don't understand. It's a radio show! It's a wonderful place to eat. Particularly if you're a man who might have only just woken up half an hour before his booking was there. Steve, can I ask you a question, though?

I can't believe this. I mean, is this the equivalent? Is this like a man would arrange to go to Spermont Rhino, perhaps, if he was a more unsavoury character? Yes, it's my version of that. I've done many, you know, I've done... Honestly, I thought you were going to say, oh, there's pizza boxes all over the house.

Now you're dining alone in Claridges. I've been to Claridges, I've put myself on Tinder, I'm having a lovely time. I went to see Interstellar. This is my favourite thing I've done. I went to see Interstellar on the night it was released. And at the Odeon Leicester Square they announced it. Probably anything more depressing. It was the first day.

He said, you are the first paying audience to see this film anywhere in the country, and this is the first film that we're showing at this cinema in 70 millimetres since, and you think he's going to say something like Lawrence of Arabia, he goes, since Armageddon in 1998. Meanwhile, over at Claridge's on the east side, what,

so you booked a table for one, did you actually say the words table for one please thank god for online booking otherwise i might have looked a fool and a weirdo and did you have the full gastronomic experience i didn't go i didn't go tasting menu i'll save that for for the when the wife's back in the country but it's i did a la carte they were clearly thinking i was going to do a runner as well i went to the toilet did you have the jacket on? because if you were wearing that no I didn't have the jacket on

but you had just woken up and you'd gone to Claridge's for a meal for one yeah I understand why the staff looked at you quite closely because that looks like credit card fraud absolutely yeah and it was at the end of the mall when I visited the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and thought, oh, dear God.

I quite like you for doing that. I mean, it's extraordinary behaviour, don't get me wrong. But I like the Victorian in you. I also hadn't told my wife that I was doing it. So she'll be listening to this. Oh, here we go. She'll listen to the podcast of this in Australia and it's going to be horrified.

Hadn't told my wife I was doing it. Table for one, my eye. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner.

Yada, yada, yada. Daisy, the producer, she just did what I'm going to call a very frenemy thing. Are you familiar with the concept of the frenemy, Steve Hall? Yeah, I am indeed. My frenemy's frenemy is my frenemy. Yeah, that's what they say, isn't it? Thank you very much. That doesn't help illustrate the concept.

Is it another portmanteau? It's the friend slash enemy. We've had a right portmanteau day, haven't we? I'll tell you what she just said to me, which is a very frenemy thing to enemy. We've had a right portmanteau day, haven't we? I'll tell you what she just said to me, which is a very frenemy thing to say. I just took a selfie. Yes, another one. Of course.

And it's what I do during the breaks. And Daisy said this. Daisy looked at the photo and then said, Nice filter. Actually, she said, nice filter. Oh. Nice filter. She could be complimenting you on your nose. I don't know, some sort of a horse?

Yeah, anyway, so she said nice... Stop that. She said nice filter, so thanks for that, Daisy. You'll be getting something back later from me. I think it's time in the show. You know where we haven't taken a wander over to recently? Let's do it. Oh, memories, Al.

Rushing again. Yes, brilliant. Can't stop moving. Can't stop your mouth chewing. I decided to... Stop that, Steve. I decided to mix it up by going over to Matthew Mays' composition. Normally we go for Toby Riding's.

Yes, they're both getting name-checked. They won't believe it. Wow. But I went for Matthew Mays this week. Just because, why not? Amazing. So... We have heard... Will you stop coming out with puns?

It's really distressing me. I never did. You know I hate jokes and puns. Who's up? Enjoy the career in comedy. That's why I don't like puns. We've had an email from Simon in Bolton. He says, dear Frank and the crew,

he thought he'd keep it generic as the cockerel wasn't in last week, so if he's not in again, keep bases covered. who says, bus station. Let's not get into a big thing about what people call a round thing of bread. In Bolton, it's a balm. I was overjoyed to learn that the price was only £1.94 when most would round up to a neat £2. However, elation was soon turned to despair when from a £5 note, I was only given £3.05

change. Surely any establishment that plays fast and loose with its pricing would have a stack of coppers! Steve's getting quite into character now. But no one wants to be the guy who complains over a penny. Steve, you're not going to get an acting part out of this. What's the lowest amount

of money it's acceptable to complain about being shortchanged over? This is embarrassing. That's from Simon and Bolton. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. Lovely reading there, Steve. Thank you. He adds relatively new reader, but he didn't mean Steve. He meant himself as a listener to the show. I don't understand.

You know I've got maths blindness and I get panicky. So what does that mean? It means that he was shortchanged to the tune of one English pence. Oh, don't complain over one pence. No. Especially not if you're on a date, I would suggest. Yes, that was why I was single for so long. Well, this is in Australia, they do rounding.

Yes. So they get rid of the pennies and the coppers, because it just goes up to the nearest five. When you say rounding, what, in any sort of establishment? Yeah, yeah, so particularly supermarkets, but most establishments, yeah, if it's £3.96, it'll go to £3.95. So if you were a pom and you were to stand

there and say, I want my change, they'd look at you aghast? You'd be carrying on the pom's reputation for whinging. Oh, yeah. Whinging poms is a thing. I like the idea of the penny pots, though. That little penny pot. What are they? Some places, some countries have like a little penny,

so if you buy something that's £1.99 and you don't want your penny, you just put it in the pot for the next person that needs it if they need change to get to... You know, if they're buying something at £1.93, let's say. I mean, I don't know what is priced at £1.93, but... It's a really, really sort of careful

version of paying it forward. You don't just buy the pertinent. Someone said pay it forward to me recently. I loved it. What a nice thing that is. It's beautiful, isn't it? In a minute, we'll be discussing other things people have said to us recently. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in email corner this morning. We are indeed, and I'm going to read an email that touches on a subject from last week's show, which I was in absentia, and I'll be honest... Where were you? You've been hard now, boy! Where you been? I was at home. It was half term, and I just...

Sorry, I don't know what happened to me there. I try and be around for one weekend of each half term. I don't know why, because, you know, the kids are really annoying by the end of half term. And can I be honest, they won't remember. No, exactly. I don't know why I'm ever there, really, looking at it like... Anyway, let's read the email, shall we?

Because it makes you look quite hot, having kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. Here we have an email. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan, brackets, or the unjustly maligned jacket sporter, yeah. Here we have an email. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan, brackets, or the unjustly maligned jacket sporter, Steve. Oh, Steve. That makes me think it was quite vitriolic, the attack.

The Divine Miss M read out a tweet... Not entirely undeserved. Oh, OK. There we are. It's starting again. It never went away. The Divine Miss M read out a tweet of mine where I joined him with the wholly unjustified barricading of Steve about his jacket. It was just a bit of fun.

The intense excitement of hearing Miss Dean read out my tweets with perfect intonation and pace was soon killed off. Can you just say that bit again? Yeah, while you're trying to drop a hint to Steve about how he should read. The intense excitement of hearing Miss Dean read out my tweet with perfect intonation and pace was soon killed off by Frank resurrecting 30-year-old jokes about Kim Wilde

being my sister. I'm joking, Frank. He redeemed himself by coming out with the entirely new joke of me being a Kim tribute act. I was once again excited about getting a mention. This was quickly dashed again when Emily said she could never be my friend because she would laugh too much at my name.

Oh, I thought it was because I'd been intimate with him. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotion. Maybe you have, we don't know. What's his name? Tim Wilde, yes, really. No, I don't remember that, you say? Yeah. Well, Tim, it's a rollercoaster of an email. There's so much going on in there. Thank you for your support, really. No, I don't remember that, you say. Yeah. Well, Tim, it's a rollercoaster of an email.

There's so much going on in there. Thank you for your support, Tim. What, over the jacket? Do you know what? I think Tim Wilde could... I'm talking. I think Tim Wilde could be a lovely little friend for you. Yes.

Let's hang out. I'm just saying. Tim, if you're listening. Yeah, he'll be at Claridge's on Wednesday. How? This way he wouldn't have to book a table for one. True. And I could be friends with you.

But then they might go, who are you waiting for? And I'd say Tim Wild. And they'd say, they would snigger and say, you mean the really bad cover version of Kids in America? Oh, Steve. Well, OK, well, let's see if we could maybe... Daisy, have we got Tim Wilde's number? If we could hook you up with Tim after the show...

Me and Tim the Wild Boy. Yeah, I'll pay for the dinner. What? Well, all right, I'll go. This has turned into a really weird episode of Take Me Out. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Charlie, don't ruffle those papers when we're on air.

Put them down. Thank you. Wow. I'm just testing it out. I like being in the big daddy chair. Yeah, drunk on power at this time of day. Actually, it was vodka. Oh, yeah. There you go.

It's a cocktail of power and vodka. Yeah, there's all sorts going on. It's a very Russian-sounding cocktail, if you know what I mean. Abramovich-sounding. We need to talk, because we're all in the broadcasting industry, guys, so I don't need to tell you. Except for the civilians amongst us. We're all wearing the broadcasting industry, guys, so I don't need to tell you. Except for the civilians amongst us. We're all wearing cans, yeah?

I mean, what normal people would call headphones. Yes. I'm afraid I need to do some sense of public health warning. Oh, yeah. Have you heard about Katie Malua, who... Malua? Malua? Mano, mano. Mano, mano. She had scratching noises in her ear

and went to an ear specialist. It's about 80s isn't it? Yes and the guy said oh there's a little spider in there I'll just hoover it out and he hoovered out a little spider that had gone in from some old headphones that she'd used whilst on an aeroplane I think to

drown out the sound of the plane she said but that sounds silly. Surely she means to watch a film. She said she'd been hearing rustling noises for a week. And that strikes me as a very un-arachnid thing to do, to rustle. To rustle. Yeah. They're not very rustly creatures, are they?

Would you say, Steve? I would imagine not. They're more tiptoes, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Sneaky, like the penguins. I guess one's inside your head. Maybe it sounds different. Yeah.

Yeah, and it turned out that it was called a jumping spider. Well, given the fact that it's been in her ear for one week, I think we can rename it now. The doctor found it. Because it's obviously not done that much jumping, unless it was living in each ear for a little while. She didn't know until she went to the doctor. Because I don't...

Do you think she's gone private? Do you think she's... I mean... I'd imagine. So she's doing... I don't know. If he hoovered it out, then she's gone private? I'd imagine so. I think if he hoovered it out, then she's gone private. You say hoover. He used a Dyson as well.

NHS, I think they might have just put some hot wax in there or something. They just go, come on, come on, how'd she come? They said they used a suction device. That's so a hairdryer, isn't it? And then he said, there's £2,500, please, for that. Because that's how private doctors talk, in my experience. Is it?

Yes. It's quite weird for a singer, because you would hope a singer would produce an earworm rather than an ear spider. Oh, yeah. Poor Katie. I realise I don't know many of her songs. I only know,

this is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been, feeling 22, acting 17. What's the difference exactly exactly that's the most baffling lyric can you text in if you understand what that means i mean i know it's been a while for me since i was anything like that age but what is the difference no offense to any 17 year old all 22 year olds out there that's the same age as far as I'm concerned. Unless by that she means she keeps bringing a fake ID and remembering that actually

she's allowed to drink in the pub. Why? Is she acting 22, feeling 17? I think she's feeling 22, acting 17. Oh, that's a whole different ball game. That's a whole different ball game. Is that growing up too fast? Is she like, oh God, I've already got a mini cash ice, this is way before

my time. But five years? Come on. Yeah, I don't know, I don't get it. What happens in five years? Yeah. Well, quite a lot. Unless maybe she had one of those nightmares where she's sitting her A-levels again. An anxiety break. Oh, passed, it's fine. And I'm a

worldwide pop star. It's OK. It's turned out all right. Didn't you hear the B-side, which was Invigilator Blues? I love that song. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Something tickled your fancy, Cockrell? We've received a text message that I think will really help this 22 versus 17 debate. Oh, yes.

Hi, Emily et al. That's and all, isn't it? It could be and al. I mean, Steve's just been left out on his table at Claridge's. Hi, Emily et al. I'm 22, it continues. My name is Will. Hi, Will.

Hi, Will. Hi, Will. The main difference between being 17, brackets, which was recently, and 22 is that I have now probably finished the rollercoaster that is puberty and I'm in more debt than I was when I was 17. I think the song is a thinly veiled tackling of youth debt. Excellent work, Will. Oh, thank you very much, Will. Yes, I like you. You're very welcome.

Yes, you are. Well, we've cleared that up then, thank you very much, Will. Yes, I like you. You're very welcome. Yes, you are. Well, we've cleared that up then, do you think? That's great. I mean, I imagine... Because Ms Malua was... Malua. Isn't she one of the richest under 30 or something like that? Probably, yeah.

Not anymore. Oh, did she get entangled in... Well, no, I just think possibly 35's knocking and she's getting louder. Oh, right. I think 30's happened, hasn't it, for her? Oh, is she that young? I think she's, like, maybe 30. I think she was very young when Mike Batt discovered her.

OK. Mike Batt discovered her. Mike Batt discovered her. Yes, and she sung the other... I think she's 30 years old. I've just looked at the article. Oh, is she? Oh, how irritating.

She sung Nine Million Bicycles in Beijing, was it called? Yes. It's another strange one. Is this what we're doing? Are we forensically picking apart song lyrics? Welcome to my crib But what I found strange about that Was that she says And I do remember the lyrics quite clearly

It says that's a fact Well no it's not Because it's constantly moving and changing that isn't it? The bicycle stats Yeah she's using it as an analogy to their relationship, saying it's as constant. So good luck with that relationship. It's a much better lyric of it.

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing and that's a guesstimate. That's an ever-changing set of figures. I so would have bought that. Yeah. So this whole spider business, Al, I mean, it's kind of strange. Well, I thought it was odd. I like the Daily Mail's caption that said, Baffled doctors removed it.

Baffled? Baffled? Surely they're... I mean, I'm a civilian when it comes to ear surgery, but if someone said, oh, there's a rustling, I think it'd probably be like, in my top ten guesses, there might be a tiny spider in your ear. It's not something you want to read when you see a doctor's name.

I don't like baffled onlooker. I don't like baffled doctors. Unless they were baffled not by the medical situation. They were going, what do her lyrics mean? And they said in the article, spiders like, they talked to a spider expert about it and it said spiders like nice warm and slightly moist places

which made me think uh it's surprising that we don't find them more in uh recently baked cakes which could change bake off next season just it's lovely it's moist it's a bit warm oh my god it's full of spiders do you know what i want to know though how did the spider go with that food for a week they They fill up. Do they? Apparently they don't need to eat as much as we think they do. I thought he was on the five too. I think he needs to get the Victoria Cross from fashion that spider, not eating for a week.

Can I say that I do advise eating? Occasionally. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning because he's taken the weekend off to watch Doctor Who. That's not true, he's on tour. You can text the show on 812.15 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. And I'm joined by Alan Cochran and I'm joined by Steve Hall in the house.

We've had some nice texts this morning. We've had a variety. In fact, we've just had one. Morning, I love the 50 pence piece. It has a lovely feel in your hand. And it continues, Jam on Toast Guy, you shouldn't have questioned Emily's capability to host the show. She is a great wingman to Frank's top man. There we go, we'll take that. Oh, I like being the wingman.

Irrational hatred of animals. Robin from North Devon has said it. Yes, that's the other rather unusual text we're doing this morning. What are we doing? Irrational hatred of animals, best shaped coin, and was there something else? Oh, what's the difference between 17 and 22? Okay, sorry, as you were, Steve. Robin

says he doesn't like stick insects. They're pretended to be something they're not. Yes, I would agree with that. I would 100% agree with that. had an email from bobby uh who just in capital letters wrote i don't like giraffes that's a good point i bet bobby could tell us how much it would cost to build a wall as well he seems to like it i don't like giraffes good eyelashes but the proportions are all over the shop giraffe are you listening if you're listening, find your neck in. Very good. Very good.

There you go. Yes. Have that for free. So the cockerel is back with us. I'm back. This week. He's doing his little show. I've been off, yeah.

In fact, I'm going to stay at Steve's place when I'm here. You're not. Yeah, yeah. The two of you together? It sounds like he needs someone to go there and tidy up a bit. Yeah, yeah. He's got to keep me out of clarages. Take him out for lunch, you know.

I'll say something more normal like, you know, we could get the set menu in Café Rouge. Yes. Just act normal. You get to go to Ginger and White with me. I don't know. That sounds absolutely disgusting. Is that your swingers club? It's a cafe.

It sounds good to me. I don't like the idea. You see, I think you need to rein him in i think uh his wife's gone away and i think he's splashing the cash a bit when that's why he's having these lunches at carriages when i live alone uh i live almost the entirety of august alone and uh i was genuinely surprised at how much i still had to pick things up i thought i thought picking things up was partly because i live with children and there's just stuff and it's just life and yet it turns

out it's me i'm the problem yes i'm the guy that's putting things on the floor or things just end up i suppose it's gravity we're all working against gravity do you find out washing do you find that you see i live alone as you know and standards can Yes. And I'll tell you what I find. I have a guilty secret here, which is I sometimes, if I put a jumper on and it's inside out, I won't bother to turn it the right way around. Also, I think... Why should I? When you're living alone, you can really go crazy with layers that don't match.

Yes! I've got a jumper on, but I'm a bit chilly. Oh, there's a parka jacket nearby. That'll do. And you just wear anything. You can... There was a thing... My brother went through a period of putting on every article of clothing

that he would get for Christmas. So by the end of getting all his presents, he sort of looked like a Michelin Man figure. And if I'm in a place on my own and I feel cold, I can end up a bit like that after a day. I think you're right. It does result in eccentric clothing choices, which explains the jacket last week that Steve was wearing.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So I've had last week off the show and I don't know if you've noticed since I've returned that I'm definitely, definitely, unquestionably a more macho guy. Yeah? Have you spotted that? You're much more her suit. I'm definitely getting hair here. There's a pheromone in the air. Well, here's the thing.

You've got a Henry VIII vibe going on. A week ago yesterday, newsflash, I passed my full motorcycle licence, ladies and gentlemen. Well, that's macho. Well, ladies and gentlemen well that's match eh? well that's the thing, I passed it no I've got a full, I'm allowed to ride any motorbike now, anything I can ride anything and my wife said to me does it make you feel more manly?

with a tone in her voice that frankly sounded hopeful like, will you ever seem manly in my life ever? It just... And I've sort of had a recurring theme of manliness in this week, just last week. I've got a new nickname in the family.

I was waiting for my son to come out of school. You know, the schools now do that thing where they all sort of queue up and then the teaching assistant has to know that your dad is there. Right. And so they sort of come out like... That seems sensible.

Yeah, they come out like hostages being released. I've actually suggested that they should put their hands behind their head, but nobody's taken it up. That's basically what I think it's like. But there was this teaching assistant who I recognise, but I don't know, and my son was behind the door. That's a bit worrying, isn't it? No, it's fine, it's fine.

My son was behind the door and I could see it's fine it's fine my son was behind the door and i could see him and he said oh my dad's there and he said which one my son pointed at me and he went that guy with the beard i saw my son look at me and laugh in my face i did the same when frank suggested you for the show originally and And he came out and went, that guy with the beard, that guy with the beard. And since then he's been calling me, not his dad, he's been calling me that guy with the beard around the house. Which I think is quite a macho nickname, isn't it? Yeah.

That guy with the beard. A very good Edinburgh show title for next year. I've been calling him the boy without a beard. Can we call you TGWTB? Yeah, we can really abbreviate it. I did that quickly, didn't I? That was very good. Really good.

So you can drive a motorbike? I can ride a motorbike. That's impressive. And, yeah. You're so impressive. You can do like a northern version of Chips. I could do. I mean, I'm available for acting work if any's about.

I'm trying again, got cancelled. Motorcycle cop in Chips and Gravy. Chips and Gravy's good. You see, the thing is, Al, you're quite a manly type. I'm not, though. Let me finish. This is my call. Thank you. OK. I would say, no, I think you are quite manly.

I think there's something about you. There's a lot of testosterone. It might be the height. It's the height or the hair, isn't it? I'll tell you what I feel. Had you needed to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre,, isn't it? I'll tell you what I feel. Had I had... Had you needed to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre, I don't think you'd have hesitated in grabbing me. No. I think you would have been...

And I mean that in a totally platonic sense. Oh, I see. Alright, I didn't. Steve, let's come to you. I feel you are quite in touch with your feminine side. That's no bad thing. I am indeed, yes. I would say... I'd say you're gentlemanly rather than manly.

Would you say that's fair? Yes, I would go with that. Alan is rugged. Alan has that. You would trust Alan to clean gutters. Alan has a whippet. Alan has a... I'd just say you really shouldn't trust me to clean gutters.

Alan has a barely controlled rage. I've got no... I've got no DIY skills whatsoever. I got envious last night because my friend built a fire. He's got a real fire. What, is he a caveman? No, like a fire in his house, like in a hearth.

Yes. And he built it. That is very manly. He made a proper fire. I love that. Whereas my wife and I once hired a yurt, and the man who owned the farm had built us a fire, and we still had to phone him and go we

can't like this can you come and do it and he had to reassemble it going oh i don't know what i don't know how you've managed this i like the building of a fire though that's very manly my favorite manly things okay just fyi i'm taking the bins out love it yeah i do that oh lovely we'll get a text from my wife saying you don't. Okay, number two, carving the meat. Love it. Love it. With a John Lewis electric carver. Oh, my days.

Number three, taking the Christmas tree out. Do you know, I actually delayed. This is honestly true. I delayed breaking up with someone once. Take the Christmas tree out. I'm so sorry. frank skinner show listen live every saturday morning from eight on absolute radio oh i know what i wanted to talk to you boys about this morning what about uh they're apparently making a movie well there's a rumor they they're making a movie based on the coalition negotiations sounds gripping

smoking hot so Miriam Clegg was interviewed Nick's wife and she's very fit isn't she Gonzalez Miriam Gonzalez I sounded a bit like Alan Titchmarsh she's very fit actually isn't she she I sounded a bit like Alan Titchmarsh. She's very fit, actually, isn't she?

She keeps the original surname to avoid being tainted. She came out with an extraordinary suggestion, though. They were talking about who would play, which is a conversation we often have, and we'll get to that. So park that thought. Who would play you in the movie of your life? In Nick Clegg's case, well, some names have already

been muted. So there was Dan Stevens, Benedict Cumberbatch. Nick's coming out of that, well, some names have already been moved. So there was Dan Stevens, Benedict Cumberbatch. Nick's coming out of that pretty well, I would say. Ricky Gervais. Mm-hmm. Still OK. Then she suggested the part of Nick Clegg should go to George Clooney. Yes.

Is George Clooney on offer, she said. Her exact words were, I would prefer a handsome one. I mean, that's remarkable. To be honest, I think this comes from the exact same source as my wife saying, does it make you feel more manly? I think it's one of those, like, I'd love to upgrade my husband's conversations. I want to know who's playing Vince Cable, Ron Gosling. When you start with your wish list, and then you can get, So the reality of who would play it would be Dean Gaffney. And then there could be adverts with,

It's Dean Gaffney! I'm thinking Ken Clarke, Matt Damon. Nice. Why not? Why not? But I like the fact, it's actually very touching and moving that she sees him through such rose-tinted glasses still after all these years.

He's all right. He's all right, but he's not George Clooney. He's not George Clooney, all right. I think when she was given the interview, she said that, and I'm sure she held up a bit of paper that just said, please help me. But whilst we're on the subject of who would play you in movies, I just, I've been rather unkind to myself,

but I suggested briefly during a link that I thought Julian Lloyd Webber would be a good choice to play me in a movie. Tish, tish, tish. briefly during a link that I thought Julian Lloyd Webber would be a good choice to play me in a movie. Other choices... Yeah, I also think Jackie Stallone. Maybe in a few years. How about you, Steve? To play me or to play you? No, no, no. Well,

shall we talk about me? To play you, I think... There's an old... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I was not going to say June Whitfield I promise An old actress As they put a hand on the button for music Claudette Colbert

The 1934 star of 1934? In her prime Are you out of your mind? Have you met me before? Are you out of of your mind? Have you met me before? Are you out of your actual mind? Have you ever seen it? It happened one night.

That phrase, in her prime, should have come way sooner in that sentence. She's a very beautiful actress, I promise. She's also 178. Can someone hand me a shovel? I'm going to keep digging. That old woman. You actually started it like that. In her prime, as in if they made the film about you in 1934.

Okay. You look like Claudette Colbert. That's in if they made the film about you in 1934. Okay. You look like Claudette Colbert. That's a good thing. Okay, thank you very much, Steve. I should never speak again. Daisy, I want him out of here. Alan, who would play me in a movie? In her prime.

You really need to say that right at the beginning. Yes, you do. In her prime... Well, let's get on to Steve, actually. No, no, no, Steve, you've said your piece. You'd play yourself in a movie. You wouldn't trust anyone else to do it. Steve, you've said your piece.

It's my turn now. Steve, you would be played... No, I'm going to be kind to you. I think you could be... David Baddiel and you could share a role. Oh, yeah, why not? Would you be happy with that? Yeah, I'd take that.

I don't think David would, but there you go. Alan Cochran? Yes. Possibly, are you familiar with Chris Marshall? Yes, yes. We used to be on the VT internet. Maybe, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way... Viggo Mortensen.

I'll take that. I was thinking more René Zellweger pre-eye surgery. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. What's going on, Alan? Charlie, who works on the show, is next door with some strange goggles on for a laugh she's just mucking around it's almost like Frank's away

the whole crew are mucking around the lunatics have taken over the asylum I don't like these David Brent antics I don't like admin based jokes can we go on the show please we were looking for people to play us in films and 753 who is aka Trev in Crowborough Can we get on the show, please? We were looking for people to play us in films. Oh, yeah. 753, who is a.k.a. Trev in Cobra,

has said, I think Laurel and Hardy, brackets in their prime, would be perfect double act to play Emily and Alan in a movie. OK. I'm taking Stan Laurel on that one, I'm afraid. Yes, thank you. No, I can do an Oliver. I can do an Oliver Hardy. I'd be very happy with that.

He was the funny one, in my opinion, and that's all that matters. I need to talk to you. I've been having problems with my onesies. I have two onesies. Right, I thought that was some sort of toilet thing. No. I thought it was modern Frank's. I've got a problem with my onesies.

You can get cream for that. They're both rabbit themed. One is pink and one is white with a rabbit hood detail. Nice. On the sort of trunk area. They're absolutely adorable. They sound cute. I'm hard to resist in them.

Both have hoods with ears. Sometimes I leave them dangling. Other times I place it over my head. Nice. Depends how I'm feeling. Were you wearing this when you received the Heimlich manoeuvre? No. Other times I place it over my head. Depends how I'm feeling. Were you wearing this when you received the Heimlich manoeuvre? No. But I was wearing it. I felt

I had one of those days, you'll understand this Steve being home alone at the moment. I just felt lazy. You get very lazy when you're on your own sometimes. Lovely. And I was very tired. I was very lethargic. I just thought, you know what I'm going to go to bed in my onesie. I actually can't be bothered to take it off. So I didn't want to do the pyjamas malarkey,

so I fell asleep in it. In the onesie? Yeah. It was the worst decision of my life. Oh, really? I woke up, I'd say pretty much on an hourly basis, I was being woken up. Firstly, there's a bunny tail on the back.

Yeah, I find it hard to sleep with that. Which was really digging into me. It was awful. My ankles when I woke up were red raw from the elastic because i think it's quite cheap fabric they've got a bunched ankle have they there's a bunched ankle oh no and worst of all the carrot zip motif was constricting my neck and threatening to strangle me oh i don't like this oh dear um sounds like the rabbit's turning on you. Yeah, yeah.

You've been possessed by an evil onesie. I don't recommend it. I don't know if anyone else has fallen asleep in a onesie, but they're not. Do either of you possess a onesie? I don't possess a onesie. No, no. Not at all. I'm really glad I went down that avenue. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text from Smoke in Wimbledon. Wimbledon? From who? Smirk? Smoke. S-M-O-K-E. Oh, I'm sorry. Smoke. I'm assuming it's a nickname. Yeah. Wimbledon, though. Quite convenient to get to the Soho Theatre

next week, innit? Tickets still available. Are you actually begging people to stay on their sofas now? This is awful. Alan Cochran, 10pm. Very funny man. It's on the Northern Line, innit? I mean, it's very convenient. Anyway, um... Good jokes. Very manly. He's passed his motorcycle test. I have, yeah. Also, the good thing is you can pick up one of Steve's jackets on the

Northern Line. I woke up so hot in my onesie that I was hallucinating and I had to strip to nothing in my lounge asking my husband where all the people came from. Excellent. I love that onesie anecdote. I wanted to ask one thing before we go.

Yes. Last week, Emily, you were about to go and do something quite unusual. Oh, was I going to take the tube? You were going to undergo a medical procedure? Is that the correct way to describe it? Don't make it sound like I've had my face lifted. You look really well. Oh, I went to have an IV drip.

What? Yes, so this is what they do now. You get a vitamin drip. Apparently, Simon Cowell, I'm just whispering. You are whispering as if this isn't being broadcast to the nation. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Simon Cowell, he does it, and Cara Delevingne does it, I believe,

Lily Allen, all those sort of people. OK. The idea being that you restore all the vitamins that have been lost through, let's say, the party lifestyle. Yes. And you hook yourself up to an IV drip, but you can still behave like an absolute monster. It's brilliant.

Nice. Sounds brilliant. I don't indulge in the party lifestyle quite so much anymore these days, just because I'm significantly older. You're not older than Psyco, are you? Apparently I'm older than Claudette Colbert, according to Steve Hall this morning, who was in a film in 1934, was he?

Indeed. Thank you for that, Steve. Oscar winner. So I had the drip. The woman who administered the drip, she was a strange character. I asked her what was in it, because I wanted to know what she was putting in my body. She said I had very good veins. Yeah.

Which is handy to know. So the party lifestyle didn't ruin that. No. Excellent. She, it wasn't that kind of party. She said I had very good veins. I said, great. And then I said, what's in it?

You've asked me that four times. So have you met me before? Bit of a control freak. Because this isn't really going to work. I don't think I'll still get along very well. So I had the drip. She said, you'll feel so energised you won't sleep tonight. And I went out, spent £1,000 on a wardrobe I didn't need,

and then slept for four hours. So the moral of this story is, if you want to spend a lot of money and sleep a lot, have an IV drip. Boys, it's been so nice having you this morning. Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Alan. Frank will be back next week, which I'm sure will come as a blessed relief to some of you.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio