The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Post-quill

Episode Date: March 9, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Liverpool on his tour where he rudely awaken at his hotel. The team also chat about the Queen posting her first Instagram and Tim Apple.

Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with the comedian Alan Cochran and the popular author Emily Dean this morning. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, and Frank on the radio, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Wow. Still novel, isn't it? Still novel, the old Insta. He holds that word in front of him, slightly alarmed by it.

Yeah. Don't you, darling? I do. You know, every morning before the show begins, we have a discussion about stool heights. Yes. It's not a biological thing. No, it's not very medical. We're talking about how everything's,

the set, the desk in here, if you press a button, it goes higher or lower, but the stool is still a little behind technically in that it's one of those where you have to, I don't know what you do, I don't do it. It's manual, yeah. Yeah, it's manual. It's manual, it's shifted.

Yeah. And I think I'm getting a little bit higher every week. You really are. I think Doherty wants some. Yeah, I'm ending up, I think, the way I see me doing this show is, do you know the uncle in Mary Poppins who's on the ceiling and can't come down?

Yeah, yeah. That's how it's going to end up. Yeah, I see that as your role. It'd be a great publicity shot. The problem is, I appreciate perhaps they don't want to be bored by this stuff, but I have to say, the higher the desk, the colder it is at knee level so I've now taken to wearing a coat as a sort of blanket

I'm sorry it's come to that I mean it's quite Queen and Prince Philip though it sounds like some sort of wartime freedom fighters or sort of Lord Haw Haw who wasn't I suppose he was a freedom fighter on the other side.

I've never heard him being described as that. Oh, my dad used to go on and on about Lord Haw-Haw. Couldn't forgive him. Oh, really? Don't know much about Lord Haw-Haw. He seemed like he bore a bit of a grudge, though, your dad, to be fair. Lord Haw-Haw was... He sounds like a laugh.

Yeah, exactly. I'm glad you chose that option. He, I think he was from, he was Irish, but I think he lived near where we came from. But he used to broadcast on behalf of Nazi Germany, saying things like... Oh dear, there we go. Saying things like, come on, give up.

You know, you've got no chance. All right. And he used to name factories near to us, apparently, because he knew the area, and so we're going to drop a bomb right down Albright and Wilson's chimney, and that'll wipe out the whole area. Anyway, the next track...

I don't like the sound of Lord Horne. No, no, I think he was hanged as a traitor. Oh, was he? There you go. That's radio for you. First link, traitors. That's right. That's rightio for you. First link, traitors. That's the number. Not just traitors.

How was a traitor? I love this show. The first in our series of radio stars of the past. Could be a long one. Why don't you just give up? Shamed radio stars. I'll tell you one of the things. Yeah, how long have you got?

One of the things I love about working at Absolute Radio, and there are many things, is that you do get some free stuff. Oh, yeah. There's no lift, but you get free stuff. I don't know if you know, but we're owned by... Bauer. By Bauer, yeah, the German company.

And they also make, they met Mojo and Q, who are two fantastic music mags. So I get those. Strange ad. Yeah, but they are free. I really love, I can wallow in Mojo. It's like a warm bath. He really loves it.

He does, doesn't he? But I arrived this morning and a whole new twist on the freebies thing. They had free salt. What? Free salt in reception. Are you sure it was salt? It was definitely small sachets of free sea salt. And I thought

what is this what it's like doing radio in Eastern Europe? Hey, Vladimir, we have free salt this morning. It's a bribe. Don't touch it. Next week, toilet paper. But how did this happen that we've got free salt?

I mean, it's... And also, as you've often said on this show, you are not in favour of the condiments. No. Well, I'm a Catholic. A Catholic. Yeah, but I must investigate it further. I'll ask our producer during this break.

We've had some news in on Lord Haw Haw. Lord Haw Haw alerts. OK. Dear Frank, Emily and the eminent cockerel. Thank you. The eminent cockerel. I you. The eminent cockerel. I'll take that. Lovely. Lord Haw Haw went to my old school, Dulwich College.

I used to live near it. Did you? Yeah. Although the school, that's why he called you eminent, the school denies all knowledge of this fact and has removed all mention of him from their history. Oh. I was going to say, poor Haw Haw.

Yeah. Interestingly, they've also adopted this policy with another famous former pupil, Bob Monkhouse, which I feel is a little harsh. That is. You can't bracket Bob Monkhouse with Lord Hor-Hor. No. Lord Hor-Hor was a fully-fledged traitor.

And I find... You don't often hear people called traitors in the modern era do you? for a time I had a doctor who was posh at a level of poshness where it does feel

like they've got some sort of mental problem it's when the eyes are permanently closed people say to me permanently closed and you know people say to me how didn't you know that tara palmer tomkinson was um well i'm drunk when she's on your chat show years ago but the with the posh the very posh it's so hard to tell just slur anyway he wrote a prescription for me and i said, you know, they make this joke about the handwriting of doctors, but yours is really nice.

He said, yes, when I did handwriting at school, I rather tried. He said, in fact, we were taught handwriting by Traitor Blunt's brother. Meaning Sir Anthony Blunt, the Traitor Blunt. I was like someone from Treasure Island. I'm very much enjoying bringing back treason and traitor. Exactly. To commercial radio. I don't know what you'd have to do now to qualify for that.

The bar has gone way, way off. It's almost impossible to imagine. But anyway, we found one this morning, and I find when you pick a haw-haw or a prickly pear, and you get a saw, Paul. Anyway, yes, exactly. Very good.

So, yeah, we've got to the bottom of... Oh, you've established where the salt was from. Yeah, Saltgate, we've got the answer to. Yeah, are we allowed to name the brand? Is that okay? I'm just checking with the producer. Well, they're doing an official sponsorship with absolutely, we probably have to name the brand or we lose 10%

of our wages. Oh no, we can't have that happen. No, I can't. I think that's another thing we can't have happen. I'm not sorry, I've absolutely lost over, I'd rather try. Andy Bush is doing a search

for our colleague Andy Bush on this station is doing a search for Britain's best fish and chips

I thought well we've said on this show before you have Frank you thought that was every fish and chip shop because they've all have that hanging on

they've all got a thing saying best fish and chip shop award from Sound Servants it's like pork pies you can't buy a pork pie that hasn't won an award for best pork pie that's a good point um i nominate the yanksy in uh charlton kings in cheltenham personally which is also a chinese takeaway and some people say i wanted to chinese takeaway you never get nice fish and chip. Yeah, funny that. Try the Yangtze. They've got the lot.

Have they? Yeah. Ah, yeah. And the old elderly relative, you can see through the beaded curtain. Oh, yeah. Sitting there. Oh, I love that.

I do love that. Oh, I love those beaded curtains in the takeaway. Yeah, they've... Does anyone have them in their homes? Beaded curtain or multi-coloured nylon strip? Oh, I mean,

I know what you mean, they've both got their I like the beaded curtain because they remind me of

goldfish excrement. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On that subject, when you're writing, you know, writing, like tappy-tapping the keyboard. Yeah, I don't call that writing, I call that typing.

Right, when you're typing. Yeah. Sometimes I will open a bracket to put an extra thought in, be it an email or some, you know, prose. Yeah. And then in the middle of that thought, I'll have another thought and open another bracket, and then when I read it back, I go, you've opened too many thoughts here. Oh, pros. Yeah. And then in the middle of that thought, I'll have another thought and open another bracket. And then when I read it back,

I go, you've opened too many thoughts here. Oh, no. I mean, I blame the parentheses. Yeah. Very good. Absolutely wonderful exchange. Very good. We had an email in entitled Scouse Delight.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I'm hoping Alan picks this up as part of his deep dredging Friday night trawl. For the people who sometimes wonder if I'm in on a Friday night doing that, it's just that I read the ones that arrive on a Friday night. I crawl through the old emails. I've known

you here. Texting me at 3 o'clock in the morning saying I've found a good one. I mean, I did suggest... I'm hoping you're doing the email troll when you send me those texts. It's a much different text, actually, but... Subject line. I'm sure you didn't discuss it on air.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, we've had an email. They say you should never meet your heroes, but I had the absolute pleasure... I try not to read praise, but this is full of it. That's the new channel on absolute pleasure. And what time is that on? That'll be the Friday night trawl.

What would absolute pleasure be? Well, I think we know, Frank. No, it's a breakfast show. It's a music brogue, so it'd have to be songs that represented pleasure. Oh, like about... Happy. Well, like fairground music, maybe. Maybe they only played songs with the word pleasure in the title.

For Your Pleasure by Roxy Music. It's a bit limited, Frank. I know. I mean, they'd have to abandon the no-repeat guarantee. I just have songs associated with, like, maybe circus or fairground music. Oh, yeah. Might be a bit strange. The absolute circus. Oh, what a circus.

Oh, what a show. Then send in the clowns. It could be the absolute circus. What a circus. There must be a Nelly the Elephant. I mean, there's loads of options. Yeah, there's tons. Anyway.

Sorry, Alan. The Elephant? I mean, there's loads of options. Yeah, there's tons. Anyway. Sorry, Alan. This person, I think a chap, saw you at St George's Hall in Liverpool last Saturday, 2nd of March.

The show was excellent. Oh, no, don't. I'm trying not to do the praise, but there's quite a lot. Lucky enough to have a bit of banter with Frank throughout when picked on a couple of times. He then says a few jokes that he especially enjoyed, but I'll keep those quiet, because I think they might be spoilers. Yeah.

After thinking the night couldn't go any better, Frank... I don't want to hear the end of this email. OK? He risked it to mingle with us commoners whilst walking to his car. Worried I'd get a Ringo Starr related, no, you're all right.

But Frank kindly posed for a photo and autographs. Perfect round-off. Thank you, Frank. To use my favourite Skinner-related sign-off, cheese then, Ross the Dumb One, who travelled from Lincolnshire. Is that what you called him? That's a bit cruel, Frank.

It was a plug that came all the way from Lincolnshire for a gig in Liverpool. Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? It's lovely. I think it's very nice. It was lovely. And he was very impressed. I had to delete lots of praise then as I was reading that. Well, that place I played,

St George's Hall, Charles Dickens played there a few times. Really? Yes, one of his favourite northern gigs, apparently. Does this count as my work with them all when I say that about Frank? Also, when you say played there... Well, they'd just put a desk on stage and he'd write and about a couple of thousand people would turn up and watch him.

Every now and again, he'd look up and go, trust me, that was a brilliant bit. You guys are going to love this. Yeah, exactly. In a year and a half. The scratch of the quill. If he did any robbing out, you'd go, whee!

Rob the crowd and stuff like that. They loved the refill. The refill moment. I suppose he had a feather. Did he have a feather? Would he have had a feather? Dickens. Texting on 8-12- a feather. Did he have a feather? Would he have had a feather? Dickens. Texting on 8-12-15, did Dickens have a feather?

What would he have written with, Dickens? I'd call it quill. No, no, but he was post-quill, wasn't he? Post-quill. Post-quill, pre-Biro. He's in that terrible... Definitely not Biro. That terrible no-pens land in between.

Yeah, be a feather. What did Charles Dickens write? Anyone who saw him at the St George's Hall? He probably had a really big one then so you could see it from the... You know those pens

you get at the seaside? He probably had one of those for the cheap seats. A sort of gladiator states on his hand pen. Dickens or not. Somebody could sell after as well. Sign, sign.

Oh, there was merch. But then then again what would he sign it with oh sell a copy there was a lot of there was a lot of merch yeah there was some old curiosity shop there was some lovely branded merch for that

little t-shirts apparently came out for an encore and read Little Dorrit I mean it's too much they don't want that much for an encore. Frank Skinner on the radio. So, yes, by the way,

when they did a big refurbishment on St. George's Hall, someone was telling me, and Ringo Starr did a gig on the roof. Oh. So I said to the audience, did anyone actually see Ringo Starr's gig on the roof here?

And the bloke said, yes, it was very good. And I thought, that's a nice heckle, that, isn't it? Because he hasn't gone the whole hog and used some sort of abusive word. It was a very reasoned and balanced review. Of course, yeah. I think roof work is often difficult. I mean, it's a theme. There was Brian May, of course, on top of Buckingham.

And then the Beatles, of course. The Beatles. And the guys in Strange Ways. Oh, yeah. Did they actually do music, though? No, they were just... They just had some banners, but they were... Sat about, really.

They were rather tatty looking. But there is a tradition of roof gigs. I'd say the Let It Be one is still the top. Well, hang on, Ringo didn't do that after that Let It Be one, did he? Oh, yeah, many years after. Embarrassing. Back to the roof. But he said, OK, back to the roof.

Lonely up there on the roof. So anyway, I stayed over at the Hope Street Hotel in Liverpool, which is right in the... That's not the Beatles-themed one, is it? No. No, that's all it is. Well, everything in Liverpool is a little bit Beatles. Well, no, that Beatles-themed one is the Let It Be suite.

I mean, everything is Beatles-themed. I wouldn't mind staying there, actually. Hang. No, no. Free stuff. No, no. It's Fringe Benefits, the Beatles hotel. That's me.

Anyway, in the middle of the night night as I think the piano man once yes in the middle of the night I was awoken by a full fireworks display. I mean Really? And I don't mean coming from some distant like Stanley Park. I mean it sounded like it was in the street. It was really adjacent and very

very loud. But it wasn't like, I get this a bit at home because I live next to a big patch of parkland type thing. And when I was a kid, you'd get bangers in the street, you know, in the night. I don't know if bangers, do they still sell bangers? I would have thought, it's a very Terry Time warp, isn't it? It was the most minimalist of the fireworks. It just went bang and that was it sort of i associated

very much with the football the wooden football rattle i mean you don't see the banger these days anyway yeah so i i get i'm woken up if i'm woken up at home it's often by a sense of a display you can hear it anyway this was so loud it was somebody it was felt like it was in the street loud. It was somebody, it felt like it was in the street. So the next morning at breakfast, a guy said to me, I said that, he was, I said, excuse me, I said, the, I said, excuse me, for any children listening. I said, those fireworks, is that a normal Saturday night thing? He said, no. He said, sorry about that, sir. He said, the Liverpool team are staying here at the moment. You are joking.

He said, and we think it was Everton fans trying to wake them up before the local derby. Yes, that's happened for other matches, hasn't it? That doesn't sound like Everton. for other matches, hasn't it? That doesn't sound like Everton. Well, in the 1970 World Cup, when the England players were in Mexico, they used to get one of those mariachi bands outside.

You know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. They used to get that outside their hotel at three or four in the morning. So again, a grand old tradition, waking up the team in the middle of the night. I've heard that there are some other breakfast show hosts that do that to you, Frank. In the Hampstead area, I'm just saying. Yeah, but to be fair, they are in bed with me.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, the fireworks. Yeah, so the fireworks. Yeah, so the fireworks. So I didn't get to the bottom of the mystery if it was Everton fans, but it was a nil-nil draw, the thing. So you could say it worked quite well. I like an Everton fan, an Evertonian being called mischievous. Yeah.

an Evertonian being called mischievous. Yeah. So I was... Then my tour manager was there and he'd been at breakfast when the Liverpool team had suddenly emerged en masse. Oh, yeah. And they went out of the hotel just in their street clothes,

not dressed as, you know, Liverpool. Right. And sorry to interrupt, what are the street clothes? I'm assuming very expensive. Well, it was a bit drizzly, so there was a few hooded tops actually up. Probably 1,500 quid apiece. Yes, so they turned right and they went round the block, which takes about ten minutes max,

and then they come in, so they come in the other direction. And then they went into a little room for like a conflab, as they used to call it. Oh, yeah. But why do that? I'm so excited. Who did you spy then? All of them.

Was Mo there? Big Mo? But why would they do it? Apparently Mo was very, very, he was very nice to the autographed waiters. Was he? Which I always judge a man on that. He seems a nice boy.

But I wonder if they've got something, you know, that they, apparently they urinated on every lamppost. And I wonder if they've got something, you know, that they... Apparently they urinate it on every lamppost. And I wonder if it was a... I wonder if it was a territorial... No, no, they didn't. No, I made that bit up. It's such a weird... Why would you do a little short walk like that

before your morning? Do you think it's like... They actually went for a Sunday morning constitutional. They went for a stroll. In the age of super training and sports psychologists, they went for a Sunday morning constitutional. In the age of super training and sports psychologists, they went for a Sunday morning constitutional. Not a joke or anything? No.

Maybe it's like a superstition that they never turn left on a match day. So in order to get there, they had to go around the block to get into that room. They're at home, but what if they're lost in London for an away game? So what about on a plane? I mean,

they've got to turn left on a plane, let's face it. I think so. Do you think maybe it's that they're like, who was that writer years ago

that used to walk out of their front door fully dressed and walk round their house and into their back door and up to the room that they wrote in? Almost like a journey to work

to separate the man from the artist. I've never, never heard that. I wish I could remember who it was. Was it Milton? Might have been. He was blind.

It might have been Lord... It was Milton. Okay. We better not end on that. I read about a scientist who, when he went and did a bit of writing, because they write, they use words as well as the numbers not many, they're mainly

numberish and drawings they like. They like drawings yeah but he did a bit of proper writing as well and when he did that he used to, so if he thought I'm going to do some science writing today he'd get up and he'd put a suit and tie on

because he thought such was the importance of his work that he felt he had to do it formally dressed. Fair enough. Excellent. Frank, can I share a quick fish and chip shop observation? You can. Morning, Frank, Alan and Emily, the author. With reference to your comments

around award-winning fish and chips and pies, the same can be said for when outlets claim to be the oldest. Not in this studio, no one's claiming that. OK. I found a fish and chip shop near Covent Garden that claimed to be the third oldest fish and chip shop in London. Somehow this has far more credibility. Now, what does that remind you of, Frank?

It reminds me of Blackpool Tower, a plaque that says, the world's 122nd highest standing tower in the world. I really, I'm more impressed at that than the first, though. The first tallest. Or when I had a brief encounter with Britain's third richest man. It's so good. Those are the people.

That's why I named my son Buzz. I didn't want to go straight to the top. First man on the moon, second man on the moon. They're the interesting people. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with the comedian Alan Cochran and the popular author Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. We've had a missive in from Dave in Margate. I recently saw a bakery which claimed it was the oldest Cornish pasty maker in the country. It was in Herne Bay, Kent.

But that can't be in Kent, can it? Sounds like a pork pie to me. Thank you, Dave. Excellent work. It can't... The oldest... Well, good point. Cornish pasty can't be in Kent. Well, I don't even think you need to finish that sentence. I mean, we know.

Well, hang on. They did say they claimed it was the oldest Cornish pasty maker, so maybe it's like a gadget. You know, like you get an ice cream maker or a pasta maker at the back of the cupboard. When I first used to come down to London and do gigs from Birmingham, I remember a comic saying to me,

have you been to Brit Lane and seen the doughnut making machine? Mm-hm. I said, I thought there was some avant-garde band. And it was, it was like a metal spike. And you go into the shop and they get the doughnuts out of the oven. These are not the doughnuts with the hole in, they're like, you know, the round...

Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, is this how they put the jam in, Frank? And they put it on a spike and pull a lever and the jam, like a hypodermic needle, goes into the centre of the thing. Oh, I love that. Do you know, I had a friend who once worked in a factory and he said they get good at messing around with the kit.

Well, Frank worked in a factory. Yes. But he worked in a donut factory and he said they knew that they could put in too much jam and just stop at the point before it would explode and then send it out into the world. But if you work for so fun... I'd love an explosion jam. You'd feel so happy if you had one out of every ten.

I would imagine the look on the faces and the jam. You know, I haven't heard one of those stories for years when someone at a car factory put like a fish in the door panelling. Used to be the most practical joke thing. Or someone would get sacked from a company and they'd phone

the speaking clock in Tokyo and leave the phone off the whole call weekend. I hated that it was called Tim. They just took E off the end of it. No, that was rubbish. The other one, of course, that was meant to be the ultimate revenge on an ex,

was that you would sew prawns into the curtain hems. Oh, yes, I've heard that one. Now, who can be bothered with that? I know. Who's going to start sewing? I've got an in-thread over. I'll tell you about you. When I'm heartbroken and outraged,

the last thing I want to do is needlework. Yeah. Also, if you were ever going to have a look within yourself moment, I think it would be kneeling at the hem of the ex's curtain, sewing prawns in with the juice going all over your clothes.

Absolutely pathetic. It'd be a real thimble of your despair, wouldn't it? And those... Oh, ow! What if they walked in, Al, and saw you as well? Wouldn't you don't need them? You'd never recover.

Just those terrible, you know, those horrible black eyes that prawns have, those looking at you admonishingly. Oh, how disgusting. Oh, my God. You think prawns have got awful eyes, haven't they? Even worse is their posture. I mean, they're so hunched, prawns. They need some Alexander technique, don't they?

They do. I mean, the way they sit, it's disgusting. It's such a bad influence on children. Indeed. Frank Skinner on the radio. Frank, I would like to talk about World Book Day because I had an event for one. First of all,

well, I had two things I'd like to talk about. Firstly, I had a bit of a huge honour because my friend's daughter decided to dress up as me on World Book Day. Oh. My friend Catherine's daughter, Violet. Yeah.

I was sent a picture of her wearing giant black sunglasses. Tick. Yeah. Huge, sweeping pink coat. Great. Very me. I think you'll agree.

I didn't know you could go as authors as well as characters. Well, exactly. It was for the memoir. It works, doesn't it? I suppose it does. yeah, of course. She had Gucci trainers, respect, and the dog, her dog,

had a long hairpiece attached to its collar to look like my dog Ray, who, as you know, is quite her suit. Like a dog in a wig. Yes. Brilliant. But what this made me think of was why do we stop

World Book Day when we become adults? Because, for example, I would love to see Frank as Samuel Johnson with the white wig. There's something, you'll see that soon.

Holding a dictionary. There's something tragic about World Book Day. It's like, you know that. Do you think so? Why? The fact that books need that. I know. For people to, do people think World Book Day, I might try one of them books.

Good point. Well I think also it's because they're very loose with the definition of book. I mean there's a lot of films going in there as well. Let's be honest. But I like that idea of adults have to dress up because it would be more challenging if you went as Kafka and everyone lies and says their favourite book is by Tolstoy. But you're meant to go as the character from the book.

But then if it was Moby Dick, you wouldn't go as the whale. Yeah. I don't know who I'd... You'd go Samuel Johnson. Yeah, but again, I know he is a character but if it's from a fiction book you want to be someone, again I don't want to be Sherlock Holmes, I'd rather be Doctor Watson but would people know Doctor Watson

you'd just have a suit on they'd just think you had a suit on you could be Alan in Treasure Island that's who you could be that would be good. Surely that should be me. Noel Edmonds' favourite book, by the way, is Jeremy Clarkson's Born to be Riled.

Is that right? Yeah, I read that recently. That was the other thing. Yeah, I saw that on World Book Day. They had a list of people's... Born to be Riled, I like that a lot. They had Adolf's favourite books I read and... Adolf's favourite books.

Adolf's. You've got them on the brain. Adolf's favourite books. read. Adolf's favourite books? Adolf's. You've got them on the brain. Adolf's favourite books. Oh, Adolf's. Okay. Not Adolf. We've had Lord Hawthorne and Adolf. Okay.

Is that even a theme show? Oswald's coming up soon. Later on the show. But yeah, I was really, I enjoyed that, reading that that was his favourite book, Born to be Rob. I find when I've seen, I saw a whole collection of celebrities talking about their favourite books. Oh, yeah. And Wind in the Willows was far and away the winner.

Was it? Yeah. But I thought, not what's the last book I've read. They waxed lyrical, as they say, about Wind in the Willows. They love Wind in the Willows. Frank, I also had a bit of an unfortunate incident when I was promoting my book. I was a bit rude to someone.

Brilliant. Well, I felt... Accidentally. You know what I actually found myself thinking? I thought, that was really Gittish. Can't wait till Saturday. Yes, I do.ish hmm and I want to tell Frank because I know even though I've behaved appallingly there was a one person who will back me up on this behavior well well let's say do you want to hear about

it oh yeah okay so I was doing a radio interview and I took Ray with me. Sometimes they ask me to bring Ray. Ray is... Sorry, Raymond's my dog. Yes. What kind of dog is it? Shih Tzu? He's not in the kinks, yeah, Shih Tzu. Yeah. And the person who greeted me,

you know, there's a person who greets you sometimes when you get to these things. Talent handler. Exactly. Wrangler, I think they say. I don't know. Wrangler. Great gene. She said,

I was holding Ray and I said, oh, hello, this is Ray. She said, oh, I'm afraid I'm not a big fan of dogs. Okay. Well, I thought,

oh, yeah, I mean, she seemed lovely but it's a tough opener when I'm holding a shih tzu. Yeah. Okay. I've got a shih tzu in my hand. Especially if she wasn't, I mean, she seemed lovely, but it's a tough opener. Yeah. When I'm holding a shih tzu. Yeah. Okay, I've got a shih tzu in my hand. I suppose she wasn't, you know, if she's the talent wrangler,

she's not supposed to have opinions. Good point. Or if they are, she's supposed to take them directly from the talent. I knew you'd be with me on this. Exactly. So anyway, so then I responded in what I feel was a very direct, calm, measured way. Did you throw Ray up as though he had to bring his claws out to hang on to her face?

Seeker. Isn't that what they used to say to the tap dogs? They say teddy boys sometimes with their big pockets in their coats with a cat in. And then throw it at somebody's face. I love the teddy boys. Let's go for a fight. Have you got any cats on you? Yeah.

I'm walking down the road heavily laden with your cat pockets overflowing. Frank, who wants to know? You're like a jacket made, mate. Can you put a cat pocket

on the inside? So anyway, I said to this woman after she said, I'm not really a fan of dogs. There was a lady standing by the lift and I paused and I said to the woman, they're a bit like humans, only nicer. Oh. So take it how you will.

Maybe it's a joke, maybe it's not directly aimed at you, but I said it. The woman standing by the lift said, yes, I agree. Now, I don't agree. I don't actually believe that. No, certainly not the devil dogs. Well, quite. There are some lovely humans and some terrible dogs, but I wanted to make that point in a passive-aggressive way.

I don't think that's too bad, though, because it wasn't aimed at her directly, I don't think. OK. It sounds more like a sort of spontaneous philosophy. OK, well, we're not done yet. Oh, great. Oh, no. Shall we have a break here?

Because the producer's looking anxious on the clock. So this is part one of the response part two we're on a cliffhanger about emily dean's um gittishness get us you'll learn from the best style yeah let's say by the way on the subject to world book day when i was on about not aiming too high, that my son went to school as Ron Weasley. Excellent. Love it.

Which is, that's the key. Don't be Harry Potter. Be the mate. Well, it's a bit like Fancy the Drummer, which was always my policy. Yeah, exactly. OK. I mean, I say that, it still treats you just as badly, really.

Or Fancy David Baddiel in the Newman and Baddiel days. Oh, come on. I've told you, I always think I preferred Baddiel. I know, but that's because... Why? That was seen as the sort of, you know, the more, the less obvious choice. You're suggesting I was virtue signalling by liking David Baddiel. Yes, that's exactly what's been suggested. suggesting I was virtue signalling by locking David Bedeen. I think you were saying it's like...

That's exactly what's been suggested. It's like when you want to hear people say... I was going to say women, but I don't know if you... Can you still say women? Can you check, please? I give you authority. It's funny. That's what's important for me in a man.

It won't work for you, all right, love. Not looks. The times I've been dumped for some humourless hunk. Oh, well, at least it hasn't infected you in any way. There's a quote I used to use quite a lot. Do you remember a film called Barfly with Mickey Rourke? I do remember it. Based on the writings...

And Faye Dunaway, was it? Yeah, based on the writings of Charles Pekowski. Was it? And there's a bit where she leaves him for this sort of more obvious, you know, good-looking and honky bloke. You know those sort of blokes, Al? Yeah, I know those.

I like the balanced way in which Frank says that. And the character says, who's been dumped, says, oh, anyone but not Eddie, with his obviousness and his unoriginal macho energy. So fantastic. I've used that line a few times. Have you? Oh, Frank. Anyway.

Out of you and David, then, who was the obvious one? Then I think I became the alternative choice. Oh, with you and David? Yeah. Text in on 8-12-15. No, don't. Oh, the dog handler, Frank. Yes.

Oh, yeah. So, well, she was a talent handler. Waiting for a lift. Waiting for the lift. You've already been a little snarky. I've already been a little snarky just by saying dogs, they're like humans, only nicer. As we go into the lift, I thought, well, I don't want to address her again, but I understand where Frank comes from.

I don't know whether it's an age thing or I can't let it go these days. I can't just leave it. So I get into the lift and I'm holding the dog and I say, and she gets in with me and I say, hello, sorry I've got a dog so if you're not a fan of dogs, look away now. Oh dear. I mean it's over the top, Frank. You weren't

letting it go. No, and the people in the lift are bemused because it's a crowded lift. They're thinking, why has she that odd tone in her voice? Did she just turn her back on you? No, to be fair to her, I think it was lost on her. I think she just thought I was a funny woman and was saying odd things about the dog all the time.

I always think if you take a dog into a crowded lift, there's at least three people who think, thank God I can now break wind. who think, thank God I could now break wind. I mean, I'm guessing, but I think, yeah, because the dog's such an obvious source of gas. Oh, no. Yes. Well, I think, yeah, I think that, oh, that's good to know. That's what happened.

And then I did the interview, which was lovely. Finished it, came out, and it was fine. She was nice. It was, everything was sorted. I had to get the last slam in Frank great a man came over and

you bit him reached into his reached into his cat pocket I lifted up my leg no I didn't and I said when she was standing there and he petted Ray

and I said oh how lovely you're obviously a dog person I mean come on Frank it was three slams I'm thinking probably that they probably all went over the head do you?

Do you think so? I think if someone is I'm very I am a bona fide snowflake I'm one of Britain I'm very, I am, you know, a bona fide snowflake. I'm one of Britain's oldest snowflakes. Are you, eh? I am.

I am very sensitive to remarks and criticism of all kinds. But I think there's a lot of people where they wouldn't have even picked up on it. Why? Can I ask you a question? If I was you, I'd send an admonishing letter. Why can't we let it go, Frank? Well, we should let it go. Okay. I think letting things go.

I once went to a, accidentally actually, I didn't go to a lecture. I was going to say I went to a lecture about meditation. I was once sitting in a dining room and a man came in and gave a lecture about meditation that I wasn't expecting. Oh, nice. And he said he got to a level of meditating where he caught someone up in his car accidentally and this great brutish man got out. His obviousness is unoriginal. And started really swearing and pointing and banging on the window at this bloke.

And the bloke said, I just meditated. Wow. And I just, I wasn't really, I could hear the noise, but I wasn't really aware of what he was saying. Yeah. And I thought, that's a gift. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We need to be more like that now. Sounds like you got a hiding after it. No, I don't think he got, I think he just drove into oncoming traffic. He was still meditating. What we need is a vinegar manufacturer to send vinegar in, don't we? To go with the salt in the... Oh, I love that. Do you know I love vinegar?

Oh, yeah. Do you? But you mean real vinegar for chips, or do you mean like apple cider vinegar? No, I mean Sarsens. Oh, OK. I saw a brand named... Sorry about that. Don't say vinegar, say Sarsens. Oh, OK. I saw a brand named... Sorry about that. Don't say vinegar,

say sarsens. That used to be their... That was their slogan. Yeah. We've had Daniel Skipsy, who's occasionally irregular. Skipsy! Occasionally irregular. I don't know why I did that.

Just felt appropriate. Thanks for all the worried about occasionally irregular. I admit, it's a little strange. Daniel Skipsy has said, my friend's daughter wasn't sure who to go to school as on World Book Day, so I suggested she could be Rebecca and not turn up at all, which is a lovely, sophisticated literary joke there.

Would that be Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm? I assumed it was Rebecca as in the Daphne du Maurier novel, where she is the deceased wife who is a ghost. Very, that's very good. Well, she starts off a ghost, to be fair. She doesn't get murdered throughout. That's very good. No one ever goes as the woman who sets fire to the house in Jane Eyre.

No. Or Rochester's wife, is it? Yeah, it's that thing of... They had a different approach then to mental illness. She's locked in a room at the far end of the house and sets it on fire. That is a different approach, you're right. It is, and let's face it, it's not as good as the modern one.

Yeah. But he got his come-ups because the house went down and house insurance then was in its infancy so I'm guessing it was virtually non-existent, I mean the policies were terrible I imagine do people go as Jane Eyre I wonder I don't know

I think because it's a kid's, as you say it hasn't gone into adulthood well it should do, that's all I'm saying we've also got feedback I don't think it's kung fu. Jack it out. Feedback. Dickens writing instrument.

Hi all, Dickens would have used a fountain pen, which became popular in the 19th century. Is that right? That makes sense. That is the sort of stuff this show is all about. Now, I bet you... Can I get a witness? I bet you that there is...

Some of Dickens' fountain pens are probably at the British Library or something like that. Yes, I suspect so. Wouldn't you say? Yeah. I enjoyed Alan reading a text out about Dickens' fountain pens followed by, can I get a witness? Which is an extraordinary juxtaposition of words.

I enjoyed it, certainly. Okay. I'm being pressured. I mean, the time pressure this morning has been absolutely phenomenal. I mean, I can't live like this. We just have ultimatums every three minutes. Exactly. Here we go then. Brace yourselves. Frank Skinner on the radio.

I feel like we should discuss the queen who has put a picture up on Instagram this week She's always copying me You think? Well she started Twitter in 2014 which is I think a similar time to when the show started

The queen started Twitter? Yeah She did Jack Dorsey Jack Dorsey. Jack Dor? He loves a bird. He's from the 90s. Is that why it's called Jack Dorsey?

Is that why they called it Twitter? Because it's invented by Jack Dorsey? No. Could be, though, couldn't it? I don't think so. It might be. I think it's called Twitter because... It would be tenuous and disappointing,

but it might be. I don't think it would. I'd be happy with it. Apparently it's called Twitter because... It would be tenuous and disappointing, but it might be. I don't think it would. I'd be happy with that. Apparently it's called Twitter because birds sing about what they're doing right now and that's what it was meant to be. It's like micro-blogging of what you're doing right now. So really, I think... Is that what birds sing? Do they say, I am on a... Yeah, I'm on a telegraph pole.

I'd love to hear that. I heard geese. I think at the time I was applying on the realm deodorant this morning. Oh, yeah. Lynx. And I heard, no, no, I didn't need one. And I heard geese. You know, a V formation of geese went over. And whenever you hear them, geese went over and whenever you hear you hear them

so they went over going oh oh oh oh oh oh and I thought that did it to them all the time

I felt like one of them was going I can't fly I forgot you're alright Steve you're alright you can I can't

I can't fly oh oh Steve you're fine honestly you're fine that's what it felt like can I say that was a bit like growing up with actors I can't fly! Steve, you're fine! Honestly, you're fine! That's what it felt like. Can I say that was a bit like growing up with actors? But I am... Frank, I'm fascinated to know that birds talk about...

Do they live in the eternal present, then? I think so, yeah. Well, they've obviously read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. But how detailed... Mindfulness experts. How detailed do they get about what they're doing? Oh, I'd love to hear what the birds say. Yeah, crying her eyes out, of course, a lot of the time, according to Prince.

Oh, yeah. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Queen. And what I'm saying is the Queen is just one step behind us. We do Twitter, she does Twitter. We do Twitter, she does Twitter. We do Instagram, she does Instagram. Well, she did the sort of Instagram. I'm going on Grindr tonight.

We'll see how long that takes. We are in the local area. She did the sort of post that I have to say I think you would do if you had your way Frank which was she posted a letter from the 19th century which is like Charles Babbage She put a photo

on Instagram of an old letter it's like a sort of house of cards house of mirrors of communication isn't it? What I love about it it's like a big moment that the Queen is doing Instagram. And so she basically, she does a letter from 1843.

She's adopted a sort of a softly, softly approach to advancing technology. I think she should have put her selfie up and called it One-stagram. Yeah. Oh, come on. That's very good. She, well, that's the thing

She doesn't get writers in though She's better than that I'd have liked it Get ready for this one I'd have liked it If somebody said You should put a hashtag on the thing And she'd have gone

Hashtag And relax What would be very meta is if Hashtag! Oh, and relax. What would be very meta is if hashtag a hashtag started trending. So the letter was from Prince Albert, who I know you're a fan of his work. Prince Albert. Yeah, that rings a bell. Oh, dear.

Oh, my goodness me. But what I loved about it was that she made the whole process so ladylike. And I think we can all learn something from how to use Instagram. She had a glove, a long black evening glove, which she took off when she pressed send. She took the glove off. Now what she should have invested in are the gloves that you can use gadgets. The ones where you can take the end of the thing. With the sheer panel. Yeah.

They probably don't do those in long evening gloves. Black silk evening gloves. She took the evening glove off and she gave it a little shake and then she pressed send. I can't see a person in a long glove and not think of the witches they're all dull things she thinks she then took a wig i always think of all creatures great and small she does all around birthing yeah that term balmoral Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. Whatever. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with the comedian Alan Cochran and the author Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can I ask a question? We were talking about the Queen sending her first Instagram post, complete with black velvet evening glove, recently, and she sent, in case anyone wasn't listening before the hour... I think she had done it. She works with an East European puppetry group on Tuesday afternoons, so she'd probably come straight from there.

Well, it's funny you should say that, Frank, because I want to... I have a question for both of you with regards to the velvet curtain for the commemorative stone unveiling. She did a bit of unveiling, I noticed, while she was there, and it said, you know, this Instagram post was sent by, it was at the Science Museum, Her Majesty the Queen.

Oh, nice. Why do they stick to the miniature velvet curtain, somewhat like a puppet show, for all unveilings? Because technology's advanced sufficiently that one could have an electronic screen and avoid scenarios like we had the other week where she tugged on the curtain, never quite opens fully. I don't think, I have to say, curtain technology is still very hit and miss.

Yeah. I have, you know, how many curtain cords have you pulled when it hasn't gone, it's only gone half the way? How many curtains? Yeah, yeah. And don't get me started on blinds. Oh, and now when they have those little flimsy hooks and stuff like that

absolutely hopeless they can put a man on the moon I know what was unfortunate for the Queen was that she pulled on the curtain always miniature as well never do full length

why do they do the puppet show curtain have you seen the price of velvet per square metre She pulled on the curtain, always miniature as well, never do full length. Cheaper on the velvet. Why do they do the puppet show curtain? Have you seen the price of velvet per square metre? Come on. My problem with this, and I think I mentioned this after I went to the launching of the William Hartnell plaque in England, is that everyone who turns up to an unveiling

knows what's being unveiled. So they're doing it as if it's, ta-da! As if we're all going to go, oh, William Hartnell! But of course you all know, so you open it and you go, yeah, that's exactly what we expected. The sudden open curtain is all about the unexpected. It's the gratuitous reveal. Why don't they just say there'll be an unveiling

on Tuesday on 7.30 and leave it at that? And then you go and then it could be anything. Well, what I liked about the Queen, Frank, was that as the miniature curtain, the sort of borrower's style curtain got stuck, and then people sort of clapped, you know, a few runs on the village green style. Yeah.

And she got irritated. You could see because the curtain had stuck and she pulled it again because it was slightly obscuring Her Majesty the Queen on the stone. She didn't like that. Well, also, she did slightly, she slightly built up the Charles Babbage letter in an erroneous

fashion. What do you mean? Well, she said in this letter in which he told Queen Victoria and Prince Albert about his new invention. In fact, the letter begins Sir.

And what he's done, Charles Babbage, he's written to Prince Albert and I'm thinking she won't she won't understand what she's actually

her first ever Instagram post is an example of Victorian sexism is that the example we want to set on the week

of World Women's Day International Women's Day that thing yeah when you all the kids go to school dressed as women rewriting history. On the wake of World Women's Day. International Women's Day. That thing. Yeah, when all the kids go to school dressed as women.

Yeah. Which is fine now. And she signed it off ER. ER. I mean, you don't sign off the Instagram post. That's what you say when you give someone something in the backcountry. ER.

That's what she said. She probably someone something in the backcountry. Here you are. That's what she said. She probably handed it over, wrote it and said, here you are. And somebody said, oh, we better put that on the end then. I was glad to find out that she'd done it as part of the science thing because I thought she'd just joined Instagram. She'd gone rogue. Yeah, I was thinking, well, what about the people around her? I know it's a bit indelicate, but surely if she'd joined Instagram,

Charles would be thinking, I've got to be honest, this is just more admin for me eventually. Well, that's the thing. When she's gone. He's trying to work out a password. I don't think he thinks like that. Corgi 1. What about the map?

I don't think he should have sang I want to be king. That song from The Lion King. I just can't wait to be king. He shouldn't have sang that at the 92nd birthday. That was very inappropriate indeed. What about the dignitaries that stand by at these official occasions? You know what I like?

They're always a bit of a lot of stuff. And they talk in this tone, the tone of hushed reverence I call it and they say and over here your majesty will you have this and then

this is 92 it ought to be over here your majesty whoo they are when she sent the Instagram post

the man went ah success did he yes it was a very posh man nice showing the Queen round. I think he rather tried.

Frank Skinner on the radio. I was a bit worried when the Queen did this picture on Instagram because I honestly thought for a while that she might have joined Instagram. And I don't know if I want to live in a world where the Queen is doing all the Instagram clichés, you know, like putting up food pictures. I've been guilty of that. Instagram's my only one.

I haven't got any social media, but I put up the odd food picture. And I don't want the Queen... Like, I think we'd all smell a rat. Are you paleo? No. I imagine you're obviously just like a tiger's diet. Just raw meat.

And then maybe like six blades of grass. But I think we'd all smell a rat if the Queen started putting up Prince Charles' sausages. Oh, yeah. I think they might have. Hashtag sponsored post. I think the Prince Charles does a port pie. An award-winning port pie.

What if she put up a big plate of cooked swan and then put hashtag just me then? Oh, yeah. She would, yeah. Hashtag living my best life. pork pie. What if she put up a big plate of cooked swan and then put hashtag just me then? Oh yeah, she would. Hashtag living my best life. Yeah. Or if she started making those Instagram mistakes that you see in the tabloids where she put up a selfie of her in a new top and then in a mirror in the background you saw she

had no skirt on. I don't want that for the Queen. That'd be terrible. It worried me. I'd love it if she got into it. Or just made a grandma sponge. There's been another mistake. Oh, I know what you're talking about, Trumple Stiltskin. Always.

Yes. Big fan of his work. He loves the Trumple Stiltskin chat. No, not quite. I just think, you know. He was chatting to Tim Cook, the Apple chief exec. Is Tim Cook a famous person? He is now.

The way they read about him in the paper, the way they wrote about him, it sounded like he was like a Steve Jobs everyone knew he was. I think that's his job now. Yeah, he's the Steve Jobs of... But is he that well-known? Should I know who Tim Cook was before this story? Well, you be the judge of that, dear.

OK. I mean, I agree. I know what you mean. I think he's suddenly, he's everywhere, obviously. Suddenly after. Angry Anderson. Yeah. It's a great moment there.

So he was at this official meeting, wasn't he, Al, to discuss, was it, education, technology and jobs? Oh, God. I mean, who's going to be at that meeting? Donald Trump. Who's going to be at that meeting? And him. meeting wasn't he Al to discuss was it education technology and jobs oh yeah who's going to be at that meeting Donald Trump and him who wanted to be at that meeting oh I don't think many of them well you did once Donald Trump started going off topic well I'd be happy to be at a Donald Trump meeting

just for the anecdotes what was great was meant to be quite a straightforward workforce based meeting and he says he thanks Tim for creating new jobs for the American workforce. And then he says, we want to get them legally, though. We want them legal. And then goes off on a big tangent about the border and human trafficking and stopping drugs. You've got to have a theme in life.

I liked it when he said, Al, he said, drugs, it's been going on for a million years, actually. Very, very long time. Yeah, he always said that. A very long time, a million years. Some of the creationists that he works with are thinking, hang on, a million? Why does he need to tell us it's a long time? It's not, we know a million years is a long time.

No, but he's got that, When Bruce Forsyth was on Bruce Says Play Your Cards Right, he used to tell a joke at the beginning. Yeah. He was younger then, quite a bit younger, and he used to say, right, I was home last night and I was having a cup of tea. So I was at home and I was having this cup of tea, So I was at home, and I was having this cup of tea. So that's me at home having tea.

And it was like such a distrust of the audience. It was like, do you get it? Do you actually get it? Okay, before I do the punchline. And it's a bit like that. And this is a very bad event. It is bad. Really bad. This is a bad...

Is it all right, Donald? We get it. I think he knows his crowd. Yes, they like to deal in superlatives. You have to make it totally clear. But it is one of my favourite bits, though. Have you seen Matt Ford's Donald Trump impression? Oh, it's extraordinary.

Yeah, and Matt Ford does rock and roll football on's it's extraordinary yeah and he Matt Ford who does rock and roll football on Absolute Radio very talented man he does a brilliant and the best bits is when he

when he does that you're very very much very at that best bits at the end I love him for that also the pronunciation of people he says people

in a sad way does he very terrible people we haven't actually said the mistake that Trump oh sorry well done shall we do a cliffhanger oh if you like okay what did Very terrible people We haven't actually said the mistake that Trump made Oh sorry

Shall we do a cliffhanger? Oh if you like Okay What did Trump do wrong? Find out soon That could be quite a long article And also Sounds a bit more salacious than it's actually going to be

Well I'd like to share A communique I've had from a Mr D Baddiel. Oh, yeah. You may recall, Frank, earlier on the show... Is it related to Osher Baddiel? I don't know, but earlier on the show, you were talking about... Well, perhaps... I feel safer if you put it in your words, to be honest. It was to do with the aesthetic appeal of yourself and David.

Well, it was also about being the sort of the other one in life, like being both Aldrin Roth and Neil Armstrong. Yeah. And I said that when David Baddiel and me got together, then people, I think I became the sort of alternative choice. The alternative to the drama. Whereas when he was with Rob Newman, he was the alternative choice.

So it's all relative. OK. David... It's like Danny Minogue. If you like Danny Minogue, better. Yeah. OK. I did.

Yeah, you're right. David has said that an early gag of yours, as in Frank Skinner, when you started working together, was this. It must be nice for Dave to be the handsome one for once. Discussion point, perhaps. Who is the target of that joke? Text in on 8.12.15.

Well, that is a great philosophy problem. Alan Cochran, who would you say is the target I think they both are who's the victim Frank's taking a scattergun approach to his targeting he's taken them all down with him I would say

that you need some extra information that Rob Newman who Dave worked with previously was a very handsome man. Yes. You go on about this. I don't need that extra information, though. Yeah, OK.

All I would say, I mean, I'm just analysing who comes out of this worst, and you're saying Dave was the handsome one for once, but you are suggesting you've never been the handsome one. So at least, you know, in the rock, paper, scissors, stone or whatever, you come out of it worst. Okay? Yeah.

I don't know if I've never been the handsome one. Oh no, I've taken it too far. When I had that upstairs flat at Notre Dame. Can I say I think you are a very handsome man? Well, you can say. It matters very little to you. No, I don't care about that. What you care about

is being funny. Indeed. But, you know, you've still got it. Yeah, exactly. But, I mean, when you're a double act, you are funny together,

but you can't be handsome together. No. You can be ugly together. That's what we discovered. Yeah. Some comics say you can't be good looking

if you're a stand up what do you boys say I think that's changed that's changed oh Alan got in quickly if Laurel and Hardy had looked like Bross would they have been

as funny Bross went well they're absolutely hilarious but that's another story Henry Normal who is a

is a is a is a sort of a now I think you'd call him a comedy impresario. Yes. He was a performance poet when I was starting out. And he said to me that he thought

one of the advantages I had as a comedian was that I looked like I'd been kicked about a bit. Kicked about a bit. I think that's probably true because whenever a good looking person starts saying something you think oh yes yes well I do, inside I'm thinking

oh yeah yeah no one wants to hear you they only want to see you whereas with me they don't want to see me that's why I'm on the radio it all makes complete sense. We've got the listenership, the crowd, on a bit of a cliffhanger about what Donald Trump did. Reminds me of that time I saw somebody on the bus googling just Donald Trump. Not Donald Trump

has done. Who is this guy everyone's going on about? People keep mentioning him. I should really mug up. But, yeah. With Tim Apple, yes. He called Tim Cook from Apple. I watched him.

Did I tell you I watched Home Alone 2? And Donald Trump's in it. Donald Trump's in it as a sort of guest, a genial guest appearance. Yeah. Oh, yes. Well, there was a point when that was his shtick, wasn't it? So, sorry, Al. Yes, he did.

He would pop up. He had a sort of... Yeah. Yeah, he had a sort of... Who would you compare him to? Alan Sugar. Yeah, a sort of cartoon friendly quite villain

but I suppose he was the sort of what Duncan Ballantyne used to be over here yes

ok you are my Ballantyne imagine if in 20 years Duncan Ballantyne sorry

is it Bannatyne you know it's Bannatyne ok I'm it's Bannatyne. Okay, I'm going Bannantine. No. Did I tell you I used to have a flat opposite him? I watched him being measured up for a suit once. What, like rear window?

Glad that's how that story ended. Strange Alfred Hitchcock film, in which Frank Skinner, I mean... Imagine if he became Prime Minister. Bannantine. Yeah. I mean, it's possible isn't it it worked for Trump anyway look he called Tim Cook Tim Apple

and much mirth has ensued online we're very grateful to you Tim Apple do you think he thinks of him as Tim Apple because he's such a company man do you think he actually thinks of him as Tim Apple? Because he's such a company man. Do you think he actually thinks of him as Tim Apple because that's his company?

Yeah. Well, he's had previous with Ethel from EastEnders. Mispronunciations. Well, he called her Ethel EastEnders. Yeah. He called Benjamin Netanyahu Betanyahu. Yeah, but that's when I misspoke. He misspoke with Nambia as well, didn't he?

Instead of Namibia? Yes. He also met the woman Marilyn Hewson from Lockheed Martin, which is a big company there, and he called her Marilyn Lockheed. See, I think that's how he thinks. Lockhead. He's basically thinking about the way people put them in their phones. Yeah, I think that's how he thinks. Lockhead. He's basically, he's thinking about the way people put them

in their phones. Yeah, I think he's a big phone user. It's like that. So I think that's... I think he just watched that John Travolta, do you remember when

John Travolta introduced the lady from Wicked, Idina Menzel? And he said, would you please welcome the wickedly talented Idina Menzel. Idina Menzel. And he said, would you please welcome the wickedly talented Edel Dazeen. It was the way he was stalling for time.

No, I think he said, the wickedly talented, the one and only. And you can see the fear. You're trying to remember. Edel Dazeen. Well, I think it's like, you know, I told you I was checked into a hotel. I was working for a production company called Liberty Bell. Oh, yes. And they checked me into a hotel as Frank Liberty.

Will you please welcome the wickedly talented Frank Liberty. So it's a similar thing. They just used the first name. Say what you see. They didn't look any higher than the heading on the notepaper. That's where they looked. Frank Bell would have meant much more sense. Would have.

Frank Liberty is lovely, isn't it? I'll tell you what else it reminded me of. I remember John Wayne got a sort of a lifetime achievement type. For wearing chaps? For being brilliant. I loved it. I know, darling. And it was presented by Henry Winkler. And the reason it was him is at the time...

Is it Winkler? Why does it say Winkler? It's a bit German now. It's got to be Winkler, surely. Alan, have you ever called him Winkler? I think it's Winkler, but I'm not sure I've said it out loud. Do you call the great opera writer Wagner? No, I don't. But I like him.

I've never heard him called Henry Winkler. I always call you Henry Winkler. Isn't it wickedly talented? I thought it was correct. Anyway. Henry Winkler. Wickedly talented. They obviously got him to... They obviously... They obviously got him to present it

because... Because Happy Days was enormous at the time and John Wayne came up and to get his big, outstanding ovation. Yeah. And he said, thanks a lot, Fonz. And called him Fonz throughout the...

He obviously had no idea he was called Henry Winkler. Well, only Henry Winkler, to be fair. Yeah, John Vane. That would have been... Actually, anyone could be called John Vane in Hollywood. And he has got that vein. I don't know if you know about that. Oh, God.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We should say Tim Apple, as he shall henceforth always be known, did obviously changed his name to Apple by using, for his Twitter handle, he put the Apple symbol after it. But it can only be viewed that way by other Apple operating systems.

Oh, really? Well, there's no Apple symbol. On Samsung or Huawei. I think you see it differently. I mean, perhaps, Trump doesn't strike me as very Apple. He's a bit more Windows, I think. Windows 96.

You reckon? I'm going. OK. I don't know, he likes a big corporation. When Tim Cook... Yeah, no, he thinks they're a bit arty. When Tim Cook switched that to the Apple logo, in the tech world, that counts as being hilarious.

Like, that's... To them, that's the funniest thing. Didn't Andrea Caw do a similar, slightly more minimalist version of the apple? And of course to Gladys Knight's backing group. Yes. They took it a stage further. I like the...

I love his pips material. It's good. I like the idea of the nerdy joke it reminds me Frank of the open university bloopers and they say I said 1.429

sorry I meant 1.428 of course I'll tell you what I was thinking about though with the symbol thing you know for example

I I heart and then like we've got I heart news yeah or that t-shirt in bed the other night lovely for example, I Heart and then, like, we've got I Heart News. Or that T-shirt

in bed the other night. Lovely. The old I Heart New York and all those things. Yeah, yeah. And I was thinking, why didn't they go

the extra mile and have a picture of an eye next to a heart? Oh, a bit horrible. Speaking pretty much emerges.

It's not some weird body parts party. Well, I mean, come on. I think that would be awful. Yeah. I do. Well, I'm wondering if there are... Because I thought, actually, my eye suggestion

is better than the accepted heart. Because eye does sound like eye. Hearts look visually appealing. Eye's a big eye. How much of the eye would you include? It'd be symbolic, like the sort of

big brother eye. It's still not very good looking, the eye. I'd be happy with it. The heart, you know, it's touch and go it doesn't mean love no no

I wonder if other internal organs were considered well didn't wasn't love coming from somewhere else not that long ago like Shakespearean times

it came from the liver or the something the spleen the spleen are you asking the question where is love yes where is love?

Yes. Where does love come from? Does it come from up above? I just think heart's a bit vague, that's all. And I think eye's a bit ugly. Okay. Well, speak for yourself now.

Now we all know where we stand. I wasn't speaking in a Cornish dialect there by the way. I was reading Dr. Johnson's Journey to the Western Isles of Scotland. Oh, here we go. Saw a load of dictionary for breakfast. And he actually wrote a dictionary. But in it, there's a bloke who, he's the laird of the island of,

now it's spelled... Yeah, I went out with him once. It's spelled M-U-A-C-K, but commonly it was known as the island of Mok. Right. And then there were so many people with the same surname because the clans... There'd be so many McDonald's or so many...

Yeah. That they used to call them according to their property. So Johnson says that in normal conversation, he was referred to as Isle of Mock. So what do you think, Isle of Mock? It was like, honestly, that was how they did it. So actually, Trump is continuing that into the 21st century. So I think we have to respect him for that.

And I think he's of Scottish descent, isn't he? Yes. It all makes sense in the end. Can I just say, Tracy Craig has got in touch to say the eye is definitely more appealing than the real heart. Oh, yeah, definitely. She's the vivisectionist. We used to cut up bull's eyes at school.

Look what you could have won, though. In the bad old days. Enjoy your breakfast, everyone. They were horrible things, but I was thinking of a more stylised eye than an actual. We don't want aqueous and vitreous humour dribbling down. What a way to end the show, Frank. With humour?

Horrible words to use. I'm glad of any humour on this show. Anyway, speaking of this show, next week will be the 10th anniversary of this radio show. Yay! Can you Adam and Eve it, as they say locally. So we'll be doing some sort of special celebratory thing for that but I think that's yet to be revealed

I love a teaser I do love a teaser and thank you for listening to us this morning and we'll be back for the big ten Ben 10 will be our guest if only we could get Ben 10 he'd be absolutely perfect it's not as simple as that.

So, yes, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. Get your weekly Frank fix. Listen to the show as it happens on Saturday morning from 8 until 11 with more music and fewer ads with the Absolute Radio app.