The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Powder Blue Shirt

Episode Date: March 18, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away so Divine Miss Em is sitting in Big Daddies chair and is with Alun Cochrane and Gareth Richards. The team talk wise drivers, dad dancing and a disruptive booking.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm not Frank Skinner. I'm Emily Dean. I'm in Frank's chair this week because he's away. He's experimenting with doing three days a week as Chancellor of the Exchequer. So we'll let you know how that works out. While he's exchequing, I'm joined by two very lovely boys. Alan Cochran.

Morning. Oh, I quite like that. It was a bit like we'd had an ill-advised one-night stand. Morning. And Gareth Richards. Good morning. Squeaky-chaired Gareth Richards. How are you, boys?

Very good. Oh, my chest moves too. Why are you both squeaking? We can't move a muscle. You know why that is? I'm just experimenting with jingles because I can. You can text the show on 8-12-15. I didn't do the business.

Big Daddy will never forgive me. Yeah. You can... He's too busy counting all the coffers now. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So I've got a couple of,

I've got so much to talk to you about. We can either talk about, would you like to kick off with my dog? Because I did, I bought a dog. A dog that lived. How exciting. Or we can talk about my driver. My dog or my driver.

Just the Ds at the start of the show. Yeah, I sound like Paris Hilton at this point. This isn't a regular driver. This dog or my driver? Just the Ds. Yeah, I sound like Paris Hilton at this point. This isn't a regular driver. This is a guy who picked me up. That sounds worse, but you know what I mean.

Alan Cochran, you choose. Well, I'm not that decisive. Gareth, you're... I want to hear about the dog first. Okay,

let's do dog. Oh, he likes the dog. Okay, the dog, then the driver. Well, I bought a little shih tzu.

We like to say that from now on are we going to call it puppy how? obviously I was going to go comedy breed give him a chance see how he turns out it was very important to me that the name would inspire laughter

which it does it seems to he's called Ray I'm quite in love with him and 11 weeks and no he doesn't sleep in the bed It does, it seems to. He's called Ray. I'm quite in love with him. And 11 weeks and no, he doesn't sleep in the bed. Because this is what everyone asks all the time. And those are the two answers to the questions. How old is he, being 11 weeks? Yes.

Not how long have you had him? No. You've had him a week. He's 11 weeks old and he doesn't sleep in the bed. He's in a puppy playpen, which is, I've bought quite a fashionable one. My friend said it looks like i'm shocked i'm not saying it's rose gold but nearly yeah there's a lot of sheepskin it's so cute though and i am i am completely in love with him but i have newfound respect for you people that have children because it's a lot of work isn't it looking after another being it is although i think um children when they arrive are less mobile oh really

they're more like slugs or something yeah it does like they don't yeah they scamper so much straight away okay so you probably you've probably got more work going on i mean i know that's controversial to say that is i'm surprised at this tax that you've probably got more work going on. I mean, I know that's controversial to say. That is... I'm surprised at this tax that you're taking. It's good. How's the feeding going? I don't know the differences. I find Gareth to be the exception to the rule here,

which is that I find people with children hate finding them being compared to the care of a dog. Why? Because what I would say... Well, they need to get over themselves firstly my problem is secondly to be fair i have no memory of my children being younger than two i've just blocked it all out have you right so make of that what you will yes that's true i mean people have said to me you're right al people have said look they don't they don't communicate

with you there is a difference here and i suppose they won't care for you, you're right, Al, people have said, look, they don't communicate with you. There is a difference here. And I suppose they won't care for you when you're older. But the other thing is about the dog. If you train it well. I know, but they won't turn around to me when I'm 16 and ask for money and swear at me. That's a good point. Well, I don't know. It depends how well I train him.

Yeah. But is it a bit like going out with a really good looking man? Because you get all this attention when you go out and everyone's like, oh isn't he amazing oh he's so gorgeous and then you have to go home and then he goes to the bathroom on the bedroom floor and falls asleep that's my life right now What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, the dog. So my little Shih Tzu... Puppy. Yes. I love him, Al. That's nice, yeah. He's tiny, isn't he? I mean, he's not going to get much bigger than...

Oh, no, he will grow. Will he? Yeah, he will grow. He's got three growing spurts, I believe. Is that right? At the moment, you can't see him with the naked eye. No, that's right. There's a magnifying system as

part of the rose gold. You haven't got a brown rug, have you? No, I've intentionally not got a brown rug. However, the only thing that's concerning me and I don't want to abuse the show while Frank's away for my own means, but I will.

This is a shout out to all my friends and family and those who love me. Please don't buy me a load of dog stuff. I mean, I love the dogs, but you know it's like when people take up the piano and they start getting, they get a treble clef key ring for Christmas. Or a piano key tie.

Oh, you're the piano person. That'd be great, actually. I mean, I can imagine now. I was going to say, now that you do the grappling, I bet you get a load of grappling-based products, but I've just realised you received one this morning. Would you like to share? I got my new gum shield with the cockerel written across it in gold

just so that I can't go to clubs with any real anonymity now. Who got you that? The show, this radio show indeed. Correctamundo. Thank you, thank you everyone. And we've all punched you in the face this morning. It's a celebration. Working a treat. Don't say that. The listenership might think,

oh yeah, I'll have a go at that, that sounds great. There'll be a queue at Golden Square by brunch time. I mean, I, for one, would like to share an image with you if you feel comfortable see how you feel this morning but I think you look

pretty sinister and not a little bit alluring with that gum shield on that's what I'm going for not a little bit not even a little bit not even a little bit

so I was thinking that the word puppy often precedes fat but the dog's like a little slip of So I was thinking that the word puppy often precedes fat, but the dog's like a little slip of a thing, isn't it, currently? It's not going to become a fat dog. This is a good point. People say puppy fat, don't they? They do say puppy fat, but I think it's wrong.

Well, I tell you what... Not all puppies be fat. Oh, I'll tell you what, I like this. I like this new character development. But Al, I tell you, they also, they do go through a stage called the uglies, I believe. The puppy uglies. Do they?

Yes. Mine hasn't got to that yet. I'm still in my place. Well, let's just hope he makes the grade. Yeah. No, no, of course. I will tolerate him however he ends up looking. Have you already missed the puppy uglies?

This is just like having children. It really is. Do you think he's already had the puppy ugly before he got to you? How dare you, Alan? Alan has met the dog already. Oh, I see what you mean.

Well, I hope so. Yeah, maybe he's gone through that difficult stage. It would be weird if he suddenly had them at like six months when he's like a little dog really. I don't know how long is he a puppy for?

What's the time span? If any of our readers know how long one is a puppy for text us in on 8-12-15 15 years aren't they? I'm not sure When does he stop being a puppy? I mean that's the question we can't answer.

Yeah. I suspect I'm going just for a year old, just because that feels like a nice round number. Okay. Well, human years, dog years. So if it was 16 for people, that's like two and a half dog years, is it? Aladdin? Yes.

Adam's got a calculator out. Back of the envelope. There we go. He's's got a calculator out. Back of the envelope. There we go. He's always got a calculator out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. Emily Dean on 8-12-15.

Gareth, that's a jingle. Maybe you could put a little tune to it. Okay. Have a, maybe workshop that while we're on air. Meanwhile, I want to talk to you about this guy who picked me up. Well, a driver he was, called Florian. Take a day time. Yeah, I will.

Big story. I won't do absolute radio nights. Frank's going to show nights. My driver called Florian, which I think is a really beautiful name. Nice. He was Romanian. And I'd ordered this car to go and meet my dining companion and I got chatting

to the driver. It's a bit of a story like Dorothy Parker telling it. Dining companion? Yeah, and we were going to meet Oscar Wilde. I'm trying to protect the names of the not so innocent. He was quite a philosophical chap, Florian, which I like in a driver.

Although with a driver you don't want him also always to be Florian, which I like in a driver. Although with a driver you don't want him also always to be Florian in it. I see. You see? I see. I see too. He made a joke.

Yeah, I saw it. I saw it. It happened. I just say Alan saying, I see, was the most devastating response to a joke I've ever had. What's the most devastating response to a joke you've had? Texting on 8.15. Oh, I once saw a comic.

This morning. I once saw a comic who will remain nameless, dying at a gig, like really going badly, told a very good joke, and an audience member went, too late. Oh, dear. Oh, that is a sick burn.

It was excellent. So, Florian, I really liked the measure of Florian. We talked about, he had, I'm struggling because this is going to make me sound a bit entitled but we both had Benzies it turned out. That's absurd. Go ahead. We talked about them

and he said I'm going to do an accent. Is that okay Charlie, producer? Are you okay with that? I'm just one but Florian sounds like it's going to be fine. How does everyone feel about this? If you've got any concerns text me on 815 and I'll stop. He said, what do you drive? I said, I have a Mercedes.

He went, yeah, me too. I said, yeah, I know. I'm in the car. He says, nice car. Good car. I said, yeah, it's a great car. The reviews are in. He said something extraordinary to me then.

He said, I tell you what, Emily, if you take care of your car, she's going to take care of you. Oh, wow. I mean, that's not actually true, is it? Until we've got full artificial intelligence where the car can look after. Look, I'm not sure she's going to arrange for my care home, the car. Also, I mean, apart from his slightly old world order use of the word she for the vehicle, other genders are available, Florian.

Well, you know, I think it's a one area. And machines. I did feel, I think that's true in some ways you could apply that to a lot of areas of your life the producer Charlie I take care of her, she go and take care of me that's right but mostly she takes care of you

I mean there are avenues of life where it doesn't work my eyebrows, I take care of them they do absolutely nothing back for me, just nothing I'm getting work you know my eyebrows i take care of them they do absolutely nothing back for me just nothing i'm getting nothing back from my eyebrows i mean it is how it works with with parents it works like that that's they take care of you you take care of them money you take care of your money she gonna take care of you yeah i mean i like yeah all right i like the cut of his gym

do you fair enough i mean it doesn't work for everything and i understand about the eyebrows which i think is an absolutely brilliant observation my my problem with him is that he's given me a flashback i once got pulled over on a um on a vespa 125 in the central london area by a quite an aggressive traffic cop with a Scottish accent and my back tyre was a little bit flat and I hadn't been riding the Vespa for very long and he said

you've not been riding motorcycles for very long Mr Corcoran, let me give you a piece of advice look after your tyres and your tyres will look after you and I hated him from that moment on whereas you've taken it in a much more positive way those guys can get together

so we've had a tweet in from Hayley and it's to Frank on the radio love room 101 you have me in stitches every week. So she's clearly listening closely this morning. Oh, that's good. Well, we don't normally accept praise. We'll pass it on.

We'll pass it on. I mean, what's Frank going to say? The show's gone to pieces. We're accepting praise. Oh, yeah, he doesn't like that. No, having said that, I think... He's not here. He's not here. So we'll store it up and put it on. We'll have to apply rules like that. No, having said that, I think he's not here. So

we'll store it up and put it on. Apply rules, then show up. Yeah. If he any more praise for Frank, we will read it out today. I'm concerned about the way That I think he might like. The praise hour.

That can be nine till ten. The praise hour for Frank on Absolute Radio. The reason I like Frank, well, I mean, I could do three hours of praise for Frank. There you go. Excuse me, Gareth. Well, don't vomit. Because you just said, which is rather embarrassing, you said, we've had a tweet in.

I like to at least make it look as though we're inundated with correspondence. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, another. Just put in one of the... We've had yet another tweet. Exactly, Alan. I always do that.

Yeah. Now, but meanwhile, I'm in the bends with Florian. Oh, I love this. I love the fact that drivers are now wise creatures giving you little bits of... It used to be they were just racist and now they've sort of moved on to sort of stoicism,

and it's a wonderful world, isn't it? This is progress. Well, I felt I learnt a lot from Florian. And, I mean, it was quite mafia-sounding advice. You take care of her, she take care of you. And we've already established, Alan, not that practical. Right. However, he wasn't done.

We saw we inched forward in the traffic. There were some drunks staggering around, as they tend to. And he said, they're going to have a long night. I said, yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right. I said, I think they're drunk already. And Florian said, if they're drunk already and Florian said if they like it

they choose it now I'm not so convinced about that one and then did he go until it starts to choose them no he didn't go that meta on me are all of his arguments about you pick a thing

and then it picks you is that how it goes I grant you it's quite a basic structure he has for his philosophy. Good thought. However, he then went on to say something which I did see some truth in this. We were talking about after he'd said if they like it, they choose it, which, as I say, I was less convinced by that. I wouldn't put that on the cover of his forthcoming

Wit and Wisdom of Florian book, available at Amazon. But then he said, when you drink, what do you win? You win nothing. Excellent. You lose the night and you lose the next day. Wow. What do we think of that? That's true.

8, 12, 15 for the hungover. Frank Skinner on the radio. Now, now, 15. For the hungover. Frank Skinner on the radio. Now, now, come on, gents. I love gents. Creaky. What's that? He's creaking again. Oh, you're creaking?

Oh, OK. So, when you drink, what do you win? That was Florian's last bit of wisdom. Yeah, Florian the driver. That was the wisdom that he imparted to me. He said, when you drink, what do you win? You win nothing. We should just say that he was driving you

rather than you were attending a casino. Yeah. What do you win? Well, I'm all out. Yeah. And some drinks, you have a competition, you know, like a can of something, and it's got a competition, and you pull the thing,

and it's got a certain symbol, then you win. That's true. If it was a promotional symbol, then you win. That's true. If it was a promotional drink, you would win. But I would have felt really petty bringing that up with him. Maybe. For some reason. But you have a better way with people than me. Depends on the people, Gareth.

As we well know. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I once had a taxi driver who insisted that people's expectations from a relationship were wrong. And he said, you know, a lot of people, they expect to be compatible 100%. And he was going, 100% is just not realistic 70%

and he kept discussing relationships in the percentage that people should expect to get on and I was sort of tempted to have, are you sure 68? No, 68 no, 72 me and my wife, I don't know I couldn't begin to put a percentage on how much my wife and I are

compatible but he thought 70 was all right. So what did he mean as long as you got on 75%, 70% of the time, or that you would say your personalities were 70% aligned? Yeah, he thought that the reason for divorce is that people thought that they were going to be 100% aligned and that they weren't. They were 70% aligned and that he should just, the other 30% you should give somebody a break, like let them walk out the room and do what they want for a bit,

rather than going, come on, let's get on. That's what he thought was the problem. Do you know what? I'd take 10%, to be honest. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show. Frank's not here this morning. I'm Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215.

You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And speaking of Twitter... That was Gareth Richards, by the way. Hello, everybody. Many tweets we're having in. One of the many, many tweets we've received. Good.

Can I just say we read each and every one of your tweets. They're a pleasure to read. But not out on the show. But not publicly. It would take too long, wouldn't it? It depends on the tweet, doesn't it, really? Yeah. We don't get too much abuse.

No. As really. And this is from Kevin G Conroy And his question is Has Frank lost interest in the show? Well I mean that's a big question I don't think so He's busy doing his portfolio career As Chancellor of the Exchequer

Very committed to the show He's very flattered He has great love for us. He's our big daddy. He's not going to leave us orphaned. I just made a mistake there. What did you say? He's got a lot of plates in the air, but it's plates spinning and balls in the air, isn't it? You don't want plates in the air. They're all going to come crashing down.

Exactly. They're the juggling analogies that people use. That's not good. And I was talking about my driver earlier, Florian. Oh, yeah. And I had a very nice tweet from one of my regulars, Annie QPR, who says, wonderful, Florian. I do hope your dinner date wasn't a letdown after such wisdom and entertainment.

It was lovely, Annie. But Florian is quite the man. I mean, you know, I recommend him. Yeah, speaking of driver wisdom, I was in a taxi the other day, and on one side there was a cemetery it's a big cemetery that's in bournemouth and then the other side it's all houses and the driver said to me do you know that uh none of the people who are in these houses are allowed to be buried in

that cemetery i was like really why not he said oh because they're alive he He's got material. He's got jokes. That's a bit of local. Driver's got local jokes, Al. Do you know what? I was like, did you write that? Were you feeling the whale gel of the driver? I was like, just unstop. I mean, I think that's not bad, to be honest.

I was like, that's good material. He goes, yeah, it's a good icebreaker, you know, get a conversation going. Well, it's like when my mother was in Manchester and she said, that's good material. He goes, yeah, it's a good icebreaker, you know, get a conversation going. Well, it's like when my mother was in Manchester and she said, what's the population of Manchester? And he said, well, there's four in our house for a start. Decent material. Come on, drivers of the world, come forward.

I mean, you say, you know, has Frank got other fish to fry with these drivers out there? It's competitive, I tell you. So what else has been happening well um big news this week um it's been all over the papers is that prince william um did some dancing okay thanks for that news update it's been all over the time i do want to get back to the dancing because i've studied it quite forensically, as you can imagine. Powder blue shirt

picked up on the way to Euston Station. But we'll be back in a bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. We were talking

about Prince William. Yes. You were specifically, Gary. Poor old Prince William. First time that's ever been said. He had a lad's holiday away in Verbier in Switzerland. Is that how you say it? Yeah.

I like your confidence in this story. A lot of question marks in a sentence that doesn't need any. I suspect when he got on that plane, he said, in a kind of joking way, he said to one of his mates, Guy or Monty, leave your ball and chain at home. I suspect he did. They went away skiing. And there's some controversy about it because it was Commonwealth Day.

Yeah, that's right. And so the royals were getting together to go to a Commonwealth Day service. Yeah. Not Wales. Do you guys go to a Commonwealth Day service. Yeah. Not Wales. Do you guys do anything for Commonwealth Day? Oh, I didn't do much for this year's Commonwealth Day. I have a Commonwealth party. Do you?

Yeah. Not many people turned up this year. Everyone was skiing. We had a low-key Commonwealth Day in our house this year. But so people are saying he's shirking his duties. The Daily Mail were especially vexed about him going on holiday because they said the Queen considers Commonwealth Day as one of the most important dates in the Royal's calendar.

And I thought, well, who cares what their gran thinks? My gran thinks the Countdown Conundrum's an important part of the day, but I don't. I don't spend any time worrying about it. Also, in fairness, I think this was kind of sweet justice because the Queen has to, basically on Commonwealth Day, endure a lot of bad

dancing, to be honest. And now we've had to see William doing it. But, I mean, I don't know where to begin when it comes to the dancing. Powder blue shirts? That's where you're going to begin, I'm gonna begin i'm certain friendship bracelets oh they love a friendship bracelet the gap yeah royals i've talked about that before though that's their version of the all-inclusive holiday wristband isn't it like they're so rich they're just i i'm i'm prince

and they just put their hand yeah not Prince he's the Prince the Prince our Prince I tell you what I'm going to get me some lads time I love the lads why has he got a powder blue shirt on a skiing holiday surely you want Nick wears because they don't have

any leisure wear what's he's not going to crack out a Yeezy hoodie have you seen what he wears normally he wears full regalia full uniforms with like medals on

that is so dressed down. A cash brunch is taking the ermine crown off. He wears a dinner jacket to bed. Much like Top Cat. And Frank, rumour has it. So there's a bit, there are two videos doing the rounds. Yes. One, yes, I have analysed them forensically in the manner

of Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect. In Exhibit A, Your Witness, he is standing under a light with a sort of pink tinge and dancing to I Got Five on it. Would either of you care to... Do you know how

that goes, that tune? I'm not really a musical artist. I got five on it. There we go. But he's right underneath the spotlight. Don't do that if you're getting a bit threadbare in the top cupboard. Yes, indeed. That's true. Bad lighting. I did feel that the Twitter commenters

who were saying, it's fine for him to let his hair down, that should be a sale. We were talking about Prince William and his dad dancing. Now, can I step up to the plate for Prince William just for a moment? Wow. Sure.

Nine words. That's what you're after, isn't it? Playing the long game. It's all gone a bit David Beckham. I think he is pretty good at dancing. Wow. I thought his moves looked alright yeah

that is good what did he do wrong I don't dance I've lost the power of speech I don't dance because

no it doesn't look good and I've never seen a man dance and thought oh maybe I should dance because he looks amazing

but I thought he was doing pretty well. Ricky Martin, shake a boom boom. Yeah, but that's not going to happen for me. Well, it might happen for you. It's not going to happen for me with Ricky Martin. Let's leave that one there. That was a big disappointment to me.

Yes. Yeah, he's a pretty good dancer. You don't think it's bad? I don't think it was bad or good. I think it pretty good is over egging him. Oh, come on. He was doing the air traffic controller hand movements. He's military.

That's part of his life, isn't it? He drives an air ambulance. Just be glad he didn't have two table tennis bats in each hand. He may as well have, Al. He was doing air push-ups. I know you're a fan of a gym. I'll tell you what he was doing.

What? He was putting his hands in the air like he just don't care. And if there is a time and a place in life to not care, it's when you're a prince before you're a king. He looked under the people lighting

with the bald spot. There, I've said it. No euphemisms. I've said it. He was dancing. It's gone. The hair's gone. He was dancing like there was... The hair's gone. He was dancing like there was no one watching.

We can have one rule for the royals and one for everybody else. Can I give you a piece of life advice? Sure. In the manner of Florian. Never dance like there is no one watching. Always assume you have an audience of at least a thousand when you're dancing. You've written a whole really massive bit of advice there.

Never dance like no one's watching. I think that's true. I think that's a bad advice, dance like no one's watching. I think this driver has swayed your whole ideology and philosophy of life because I think you're discounting some important key bits of life with them. All I will say when it comes to dad dancing, I do have strong views on this. Because I have seen the dad at a barbecue,

Mustang Sally, bootcut jean and a sneaky peroni. We've all been there. I mean, come on. And there's just a certain type of music. And I think he got excited. He heard a bit of dad hip hop. And that I Got Five on it is a bit dad hip-hop so alan i can see you're objecting i'm agonized by this constant use of the phrase dad dancing

agonized and i'll tell you why yeah i feel so and i know i know they're a tiny tiny constituency but what about like professional dancers who are also dads whenever they hear the phrase dad dancing they must think i'm really good at. Why are people saying that my dancing's rubbish? We have to stand up for minorities. Exactly. I'm glad you're putting it out there for the privileged male. I think, I mean, he also danced, William. OK, he danced to Pharrell, who I believe Frank calls Farrell,

in an attempt to make him sound a bit more West Bromwich. Farrell. Again, if anybody in the world can dance to the song Happy Now, it's a prince. I thought you were going to say it's Frank. Although Frank famously, I mean, Frank's now very famously associated with dancing in his pants. And judging dancing, he's always, you know.

He's all about the dance. I just think you've got to be careful with the dad dancing. In fact, I would like our lovely readers to text in on 81215 for the kind of I want to know the ultimate dad dancing songs they may have incidents but those songs that you associate with dad dancing I've got Mustang Sally definitely I'll take you Mustang

Sally and I'll raise you I'm too sexy for my shirt laughter laughter oh wow powder blue shirt sexy for my shirt. Oh, wow. Powder blue shirt. I've got to say that's going to be hard to top.

If you can top the cock rules I'm too sexy for my shirt, then text in on 81215. We're talking about Prince William

and his person who has children dancing. Let me just say because Alan got his person who has children dancing. Let me just say that... Because Alan got offended by the phrase, Dad, dancing. I also got offended by Piers Morgan in the newspaper saying that William was... Well, he'll be very upset to hear that because he hates offending people. He's a really circumspect guy.

He said that William was dancing like a raver, unquote. Yes. And I thought, what raves have you been to, Piers Morgan? There's a guy in a powder blue shirt with his hands in the air like a bit of a dork. Saying, hey, lads, come on. That sounds like a brilliant rave, Piers. I mean, it was hardly Bez, was it?

Yeah, exactly. Come on. Some guy with Vicks Vapor rub on inside a beekeeper's helmet or something like that. I believe. That's a real raver. I love it when Alan talks about his dark past. I believe he used the phrase gallivanting like a raver.

Did he? Which is very what your nan would say. That's what my mum would say. She loves gallivanting. Yeah. No, I think we can agree that wasn't very happy Mondays. We've had many suggestions. Oh, yeah, we were talking about dad dancing, the ultimate dad dancing anthems.

Go on. Yeah, the safety dance, Men Without Hats, the ultimate dad dance song from 111. Okay. I mean, I suppose so. I would say that was more of the You're Thinking, Dad. I would say that was more You're Bookish, Dad. But anyway.

Baggy Trousers, Always a always with the men in my family at gatherings i mean that could be a suggestion for a song or it could just be that the men in her family always wear baggy trousers to gatherings yeah no i definitely i'm gonna let baggy trousers you're gonna let i'm gonna let you have that it's all quite clothing based isn't it men without hats baggy trousers blue shirts house of pain Yes. Oh, that's so dad. That's because they're men of a certain age. If they jump around,

it will be House of Pain. Also, that's... The following morning they'll be on the Neurofence. Dad's having a final little moment before they've got to get home for the babysitter.

Yeah. Jump Around comes on. They like a sweet home, Alabama? Good. Mine would be Stronger by Kanye West. That I would pay to see

that is going to get me on the dance floor Gareth do you ever dance then never have you ever danced only by myself how does that work

I always dance like there might be someone watching so I make sure no one is you see I can see Alan being a bit of a ravey davey type

back in the day you remember when Peter Crouch used to do his famous robots? That's what I bring to the dancing party, is sort of a slightly robotic movement. American Pie, awful. Memories of woeful dads dancing to this at a wedding. Hilarious.

That's not a big dancing song, is it? That's not how you solve it. Everyone on the dance floor! I tell you what Green sleeves Come on Oh Come on

Hi guys When my husband and I got married My friend Neil The dad of two girls Did a spectacular dad dance To You Can't Touch This By MC Hammer Stop Hammer Time

I hope he was wearing chinos at the time From Eunice Can I just also Ask you another question, which is the whole idea of him going on holiday, Wills, when there are two kids at home. I mean, I don't have two children at home. I have a puppy, as we've established,

but he'll be fine. He'll go in the kennels. How, and I don't think that's, those arrangements are available for children. How would you feel about that? What do we think about this idea from going on the lads holiday anyway? Yeah, I resent all this, all leaving a wife and two children for home.

I've come here today and I've left a wife and two children at home. I've left Laura by herself at home to look after two children. And, you know, this is, you know, work, but it's also fun. Do you know what I mean? You have to live a life. You alright Gareth? Also it makes her sound really useless like she's at home with the kids

and I'll be honest industry secret, I think she might have help. I just think there might be help. She might have prearranged that her sister comes round and makes a sandwich or maybe there's some other staff around. I don't know.

You know what I'm loving? There's help. You and Gareth, it's all gone a bit Dad's on the rampage. Mustang Surly. That's next. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We are talking, well, we were talking about Prince William, but I realise you're the guest in the house. Me? Gareth Richards? Yeah. What about you, Gareth? What have you been up to?

Oh, so much has been going on with me. OK. Busy, busy, busy. I'd like you to maintain the reference of yourself as Gareth Richards all the way through this. Is it an anecdote involving you in a supermarket? Because they tend to be.

I've done so many things, but yes, I have been shopping. This is the big news. And this never fails to make me happy. I'm a dad, I'm getting older. We're all getting older.

When you say you've been shopping do you mean retail therapy or uh like you know big basket full of foodstuffs work yes no retail like buying things to make myself feel better that does not sound a bit worrying that doesn't happen no that does not happen because yeah um i don't need to devise it either spending money tends to make me anxious okay yeah no i can see that gareth i can see that quite weak um so where do you go yeah i can see gareth yeah i just need to go and get some retail therapy came to her morrison's bernardo's yeah so so what's happened so i was in in Sainsbury's and doing a big shop, which slightly adds to the weirdness.

Also, Garris anecdotes always sound like the beginning of a Kirstie McColl song I'm buying. Go on. And it was very exciting, guys. I got ID'd. I was buying two bottles of wine. Wow. Wow.

And I got ID'd. What was the wine? They asked for, I think, probably... Ten pounds at Jacob's Creek. Chardon of wine. Wow. And I got ID'd. What was the wine? I asked for, I think, probably... £10 at Jacob's Creek. Chardonnay. Okay. I tend to not go straight to Jacob's Creek because sometimes it's not on offer.

It's a very decent wine, by the way. In case they're considering sponsoring the show, that's unlikely. Anyway, let's not get into that whole murky area. Gareth? Yes. And, I mean, that's a big deal, isn't it? I mean, I'm 37 years old.

37? 37 years old. Oh, we've been here ages. Let's not do that. Don't worry, Em. Don't spook. 42. Why not?

I'm not a horse. We're not going to go round the group. Don't worry, Em, don't spook. 42, why not? I'm not a horse. We're not going to go round the group, don't worry about it. I've gone round. 37, 42. Oh, is that the time? 37, 42. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth.

Yeah, so I was ID'd trying to buy alcohol at 37 years old. And so what is the, do you know what the cutoff is? 18. 18. Enlightfully in there. There's an age where they have to ask you still if you're not over. 21. Is it 25?

25. Sarah. I don't understand. Sarah, one of the millennial correspondents on the show, has just, she motioned 25. Is that 25? 25. Sarah. I don't understand. Sarah, one of the millennial correspondents on the show, she motioned 25. Is that correct? I didn't understand what Gareth's question was. The age that you're...

So if you seem like you're... If they're not sure that you're over 25, they have to ask you. Right. So that's the rule. It's not just over 18 or even 21. So 21-year-olds, if they're buying alcohol and they don't get ID'd, they should be a bit miffed because it means they look over 25.

But 25 seems quite old. I mean, my worst drinking years were behind me by then. Me too. I'd done my part here. No, no, they weren't, actually. They weren't. Sorry. I was just getting going at 25, looking back at it.

I was going down memory lane there. Anyway, enough about me. I'm always thrilled to be ID'd and I'm never put off by how qualified I think the cashier is to make that call. How old was the cashier? The cashier, I mean, he was older than me, but I stand by my belief that those people,

the one thing they definitely need to do is be able to tell how old people are and that they're not too young to buy alcohol. Anything that made me suggest they're unqualified, I'd dismiss. You don't think he was concerned about something else like a scanner or a rug, letters, that was down by those little triangle things?

Do you ever get off for IDL? No. And in fact, I've got... Well, you no longer buy alcohol no i don't but also a couple of bits of um standard i'm now at the age where when i mention my age on stage the whole crowd go oh wow no i've noticed when i mention my age which i don't um but on the rare occasions i do people just say all right yeah they don't say which I don't. But on the rare occasions I do, people just say, all right. They don't say, oh, you don't look it.

It's fine. I'm comfortable with it. And hey, we're all special in our own little way. No, but I was delighted. And also, then you have to show the ID. And you're like, look, look how old I am. You got it wrong. You must have been so excited.

The unusual thing about it that it, about it the unusual thing for me was that I was with my children. So I had a five year old and a seven year old with me. And what's confusing

about that is, I mean, I guess I could have had children quite young. So if he thinks I'm 25 or just under 20, I mean, I guess I could have had children quite young. So if he thinks I'm 25 or just under 20, I look under 25, I could have had a seven-year-old just about. That's one way. But then the other way to look at it is he thought I looked

so young that he thought we were a gang. Like a sort of Stranger Things gang. Yeah. And I was just the one who they thought, we thought I looked the oldest out of us. So you think you look about nine. I don't know, which, because it doesn't... Did you all have bikes or something tied up outside?

I just want to say, Gareth, this is a truly great day for you. If that's true and that man did think that, all I can say is congrats, you're well done. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm not Frank, I'm Emily Dean. You can text the show on 81215,

you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. here with gareth richards i'm here with alan cochran i'm frank no you're not frank either we we love him and we miss him but he's otherwise engaged gareth you frank i'm gareth richards uh what else has anyone been contacting us from the outside world? Yes, 171 got in touch to say it's ask 21 in England and ask 25 in Scotland. What's this that we were talking earlier about when you were asked for your ID? I thought that was a rugby score momentarily, but it's not. If anyone working in an alcohol shop out there, alcohol shop off licence, wants to ask my age, I'd be really happy.

I won't tell them. Ask your happy. I won't tell them. Ask your age? I won't tell them. Dave in Grimsby has said, I stopped getting asked for ID at 15 years old. That's what Grimsby will do to a man. So when they ask you for the ID, which it's been a while, I won't lie, do they say to you, how old are you? In an accusatory fashion.

Or do they just say, are you over 25? Say, how old are you? And then when you say the number, they go, prove it! So you go, how much? Passive aggressive. I'll tell you what we haven't talked about this morning, boys. I think you know what I'm going to say. Architecture. No. G to say. Architecture.

No. Gareth Richards. No. We've talked about you quite enough. There's a few news stories out there, but one of my favourites was the... I think I've guessed already. What is it?

Hashtag GBBO. Golf British Bake Off. With Noel Fielding. Hello. I mean, absolute scenes, as I believe the millennials say. Curveball, curveball booking. Apparently George Osborne turned it down

based on being too busy. He said, I've already got six jobs. And they said, oh, OK, we'll go with Noel Fielding. I mean, to quote Frank, who knew? Noel Fielding and cakes. That looks like he hasn't eaten in 20 years. I feel for Noel Fielding today because. That looks like he hasn't eaten in 20 years. I feel for Noel Fielding today because the papers are full of people

who've turned down the job that he's just got. It must be an awful... I just think I'll just have a coffee and flick through the... Who turned it down? Well, they did ask George Osborne to host this show before I decided to. Nine people said no to it. And I've said, yes, what's wrong with me

that I'd like the sound of it? Well, I think people maybe thought it was a somewhat toxic property yes because of the history and I think the thing about Noel Fielding I mean I'm pleased he's got the job because I really like Noel Fielding and I like the fact that he's the kind of person that a lot of people would shout weirdos at and I think as I want people like that to get as many jobs as possible. Yes. Because I think that's good. We've got enough men in coach driver's sleeves shouting lefties.

Yep, that's me. Yeah, that's not you. You have got coach driver's sleeves. But yeah, no, I think he's a good appointment. I mean, I think what was strange about it was that he doesn't, he looks like the last time he went near to an oven was when he was lighting a cigarette off it, to be honest. Or he looks a bit like he might sort of live

in some sort of old coal furnace oven. He's got an otherworldly vibe. It's going to be him and Sandy Toksvig. He said he worked in a cake shop, though. Oh, really? Well, that got my suspicions. Cake shop? Well, he called in a cake shop, though. Oh, really? Well, that got my suspicions. Cake shop? Well, he called it a cake shop.

Does he mean a bakery? Yeah. I mean, he called it a cake shop. It couldn't mean a cake shop. He said he got sacked for lying on the floor and he was eating the merchandise lying on the floor. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a problem. Well, why was he lying on the floor?

On day one. Get your feet under the table a bit first before you start eating the merch. I mean, no, I don't want to cast aspersions. Was it because of the cakes that you were lying on the floor? Big night. Big night before, first day at work. And what did Florian say about alcohol?

Yeah. I'm not suggesting. I mean, he's a bit of a party animal, but I think it's a good booking. It's what I believe is called a disruptive booking. Do you know about this? No, but I'm guessing. So like a booking that's going to ruin everything.

No, it's a buzzword they use in Silicon Valley, disruptive, and they use it to apply to things like new technology things that are truly innovative so let's do something disruptive in a good way exactly right yeah yeah so he's disruptive in a good way yeah he's definitely he's gonna be surreal yes well the person the person unicorn flapjacks yeah that's good um what are you gonna say gareth you may speak shampoo hairdresser brownies I don't know I'm not good at that sort of thing the person who's weighed in on it

is Serge from Kasabian yes that's his good friend there's no comment from Noel so I guess he looks similar they're just all friends with people with the same haircuts as them you have to have that hair which means on a good day

with the right amount of Elnett hairspray, I can go a bit that way. A bit Dorian Burns of a feather. I'm in with a shout as well. Brilliant, you could get a spin off there. These are my new friends. Nice. Sergio said,

if Salvador Dali can do a chocolate ad, he can do Bake Off, which is um bizarre to liken him to one of the greatest artists of all time well i know what he means though yeah i think he's worried that people are going to be saying he's kind of sold out doing that just you need to make sure none of the clocks melt i also I don't want him putting on any weight because skinny jeans are part of his brand. Oh, yeah, you don't want him having, like, a big muffin top. In a bad way.

Obviously, there'll be muffins, but... I don't know, though. He's just going to have to swap the skinny jeans for the elasticated waistband. Back of a Sunday supplement. It comes to us all. Frank Skinner on the radio. back of a Sunday supplement it comes to us all we're talking about Noel Fielding the golf British Bake Off host

the new host surprise booking but they're all surprise bookings aren't they except for Paul Hollywood so who are the other ones in it? Sandy Toksvig Paul Hollywood Paul Hollywood was already there, he's entrenched Who are the other ones in it? Sandy Toksvik. Oh, I love a bit of Toksvik. Yeah, I think everyone loves Toksvik.

Paul Hollywood was already there. He's entrenched, I think you'd say. He's a bit of a dad dancer. He's a bit Mustang Sally. He'd get up on the dance floor, wouldn't he? With a brown slip-on shoe and a boot cut. He's a boot cut, definite boot cut. Foot tapping.

And the cookery writer and presenter, Prue Leith. Yes. That's right. That is quite a foursome, isn't it?

I just, I don't know what any of those four have got in common other than that they're the new hosts of Great British Bake Off. What are they going to talk about

during the recording breaks? I can't think of anything. It's just... That's why I like the disruptive casting of Noel Fielding. It is disruptive. Great British Bake Off. What are they going to talk about during the recording breaks? I can't think of anything. That's why I like the disruptive casting of Noel Fielding. It is disruptive. Sandy Tick, yes, I can see that working. I can see Prue Leith. I can see Paul Hollywood, even Mustang Sally.

Sandy Toksvig said a nice thing where she said, I'm already on Channel 4 in the afternoon, so it'd be nice to be there in the evening, as if it's all live. Like, she's just going to roll it in. I'll just bring two outfits, yeah? She's of a certain age. She's playing the game. I like it.

She's everywhere. I love that about Toxvig. But he's an interesting character, isn't he, Noel? And I think it's nice and good for them to have someone on TV, as I was saying earlier, who's just not a basic bloke. Was it him that said that Salvador Dali did a chocolate advert, or was that said on his behalf? Well, should we go over to Gareth or Serge

from Kasabian Correspondent? Gareth, have a scene. This just in, it was Noel's close friend, Serge Pisorno, from the band Kasabian, and he said Noel phoned him up to have a chat about it. Because when you need wisdom. Yeah. If you haven't got a driver to hand.

If you haven't got Florian, you scroll down to the S's. For a rock star. Like when Noel Fielding looks for wisdom, he goes to a rock star. Brilliant. Who looks almost identical to himself. Well, Gareth, you may not know this. Apologies for the name dropping. Title of my autobiography.

That would be a great title. He sat next to me and Frank at Wimbledon search from Kasabian. He wasn't very all England tennis club, but I like that. And at one point during the proceedings, at a tense match point moment

he said to Frank and I think Frank offered him a palm of violet oh Frank had got some free sweets because he loves a freebie and he said palm of violet Serge Serge went no thanks no I don't listen to that rubbish

is he northern I don't know I'm not quite Is it Northern? I don't know. I'm not quite sure. Leicester. Leicester. Oh, is he from Leicester? Quite a tricky accent, Leicester. Very specific.

Very. Leicester. Leicester. I can't do it. I lived in Leicester for seven years. Can't do it. Wow. Whereas normally, I'm like a chameleon.

In fact, I've heard you're the man of one voice, haven't you? I can do David Mitchell. Hello, everyone. I'm David Mitchell. Do you know what? It's like he's in the room. So we were going to talk about...

I just did a bit of breathing, which I didn't like on the mic. I just think it's not a very nice way to open a link, is it? Me going... Some people might have loved that bit of that link. How do you think so?

Yeah, you know, heavy breathing fans. I hope you enjoyed that. link is it me going some people might have loved that bit of that link how do you think so yeah you know breathing fans haven't you enjoyed that um i mean this week was it this week or the last couple weeks just the most wonderful thing that's happened to me in a very long time is this about I did when buying alcohol, I guess. Okay, can we just... Going over to the Serge from Kasabian correspondent, Gareth Richards. I don't share a lot of viral videos, but when I saw the Kelly... I'm very glad to hear it. The Kelly family video about the guy,

is he in South Korea? No, he's a South Korean expert, isn't he, that guy? Yes, I think he might be in isn't he, that guy? Yes. I think he might be in Washington or something, I'm not sure. He's doing a video on Skype with the BBC and then his family invade in the background.

Oh, yeah. And what I wanted to just... You say his family, I say my spirit animal, Marion Kelly with the yellow jumper, but we'll get back to her. And why I think it's a video for our times is he starts off the clip starts with him saying scandals happen all the time

the question is how do democracies respond to those scandals and then what happens next is just the perfect like visual image of that yes A visual riposte. His little girl is the brilliant contrast between how serious and professional he is and then how completely carefree and jaunty his little girl struts in

doing a little dance. And how does he deal with the scandal? He tries to push it behind him he suppresses it he tries to suppress it and go and and so the next videos come out which is them talking to the family and he's explaining it and that's really lovely and he says there were toys behind him that's a lie sean spicer because there weren. There were six books on that table. Another video I've studied forensically. She comes in,

she has the sort of manner of a young Liam Gallagher when she walks in. Doesn't she? She's swaggering. We're going around with it. Sunshine.

I almost expect her to say sunshine. Love it. She is extraordinary, this child. I absolutely love her. Have you seen her clothes? Yes. Press conference too. She had a Bur this child. I absolutely love her. Have you seen her clothes? Yes.

Press conference too. She had a Burberry trench on and she's four. Did she? Yes, a belted Burberry trench. Absolutely fantastic. I absolutely love her. But you're right, she does. She defines the word jaunty, Gareth.

Yes, she's amazing. And he deals with it. I mean, I sort of feel quite sorry for him because he's tried to pretend that he's very professional and I'm in an office live, coming live to you with my special news reports and I'm very intellectual. And then old sunshine comes strolling in and it's all gone. That's it.

I watch this clip mainly to learn how to parent. Because if that was me, there would be an awful viral video where I'd say, get out of my office! I'm doing a video for the BBC! How many times?

I mean, it would just be awful. Awful. And there would be category C swear words. Everything. Well, while we were trying to do that link, OJ Ball came into my line of view. And he's distracting, I won't lie. He's disruptive. So I was going to shout at him, but I won't.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Professor Kelly. Yes. And his rather marvellous family. And it's strange because, I mean, obviously they've become something of a sensation. And he seemed a rather reluctant celebrity to begin with. Oh, he's taken to it now like a doctor walks him.

He's loving it. Well, yeah, they'll be getting the deals now, won't they? Oh, yeah. What are they going to sponsor? Well, they'll be child-based, won't they oh yeah what though well they'll be child based won't they like the little walker that the baby's in there'll be something like that

door locks actually if you could text us in on 81215 if you could think of any sponsorship deals that could be thrown the Kelly family's way that would be good something to do with keeping children out of the room I mean I don't know how much money there is in the child gate.

It's supposed to have been heavy against the door. It's done. Was that what you do? Can you hear that? I should clear it, really, but I'm tempted to just do it off the mic. Is that vocal fry? I think they call it vocal fry. Oh, please don't do that, Alan. It's absolutely disgusting. Alan, please don't do that.

It's kind of a mark of... It's a mark of how things have gone with the internet is that for, like, for ten minutes, everyone thought it was hilarious and loved it. And then people started saying, abusive father, the way he treats those children. And as Alan has said, if he's an abusive father, we are in trouble.

There was also someone having a bit of a rant, saying that, I'm sorry, excuse me if I don't find this funny. I admit that I'm imposing a tone on this article, which wasn't necessarily present, but that's how I felt as if it was written. And the lady concerned was saying, I mean, this just sums up the patriarchy to me. This is the patriarchy and everything I hate about it.

This poor woman is running around looking after the children while the man's in the office. The man is not in an office. The man is in a little room off the kitchen pretending he has an office. I felt quite sorry for the man. He tried to pretend he had a nice study and it was all professional.

And then sunshine comes in, followed by baby in the stroller going, followed by manic mother. And he makes a very good point is that he says, we don't lock the door. The kids are allowed to come in the office very well. And that was very clearly not a child who was frightened of her father. She wasn't fearing. She was as frightened of her father. Yes, she wasn't fearing the repercussions. She was as frightened of her father as I am of Frank.

In fact, I'd like to think it's sort of much like the show when Frank sums up my contribution on the show, the girl in the yellow jumper. But he said this Professor Kelly afterwards, he said, I'm a little bit wary of the fallout from my academic credentials. Oh, come on, mate. Just as we were warming to you, now I think you're terrible.

Yeah, sorry. Come on. Don't be like that. No, his wife said people should just enjoy it and not argue. And I think we should all embrace that mantra. Do you know what? I think that is a very good piece of life advice. Is his wife called Florian

by any chance? We were talking about the Kelly family. We were. Because they've done an interview about the interview that got them all the attention. I find that one less fun to watch.

It's not as funny. I mean, the kids are kicking off still. I found it more predictable. Well, older Marion in the trench coat. There's no stopping that woman. I think they need some older generation people to stumble in. They need some extra family members. Maybe insane grandmother.

Or this original grandmother. It's not quite a sequel, is it? They've not raised the stakes and so at the end the same news presenter who's asking did the original interview says

I had a suggestion on Twitter that maybe you should buy your wife a spa date to thank her for all the work she did in that video. Filthy creep. I think he should, and he was very gracious, but I would have been like, yeah, that's an interesting

I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Why doesn't everyone mind their own business? Leave us alone. Stop judging our family. I mean, it's just you know, poor Prince William all over again. He's left a wife and two children in the other room.

Gareth's got a lot of pissing for the establishment this morning. You're right, though. It would be great. BBC correspondent. If that was the Professor Kelly's breaking moment, I think you should get your wife. What are you getting your wife? Mind your own business. No, he just lost it.

If he had any smarts about him he would buy that spa day he'd record it he'd say me and my wife are here enjoying a lovely couple's spa day and guess who'd be

coming in what song she has yeah I don't want them to end up being paraded as the comedy family for the children it was good enough for my childhood mate

wheeled out at dinner parties two in the morning do your act never did you anyhow Comedy family. For the children. It was good enough for my childhood, mate. Wheeled out at dinner parties, two in the morning, do your act. Never did you anyhow. Seven years old, you're doing a wedding speech tomorrow for the Times Foreign Correspondent, thank you. Can we just talk about this? Can I just say, stormed it. Well done. Alan, over to you.

I did a gig this week, but I had something of a parking nightmare. It was a gig quite close to my home. A Mancunian gig? Yeah, and I recently have had an unfair parking ticket. I was filming a little thing in a sitcom that's coming out. Ooh! I didn't know about this. Gigs, acting work, I mean, you know, humblebrag everybody.

What, are we allowed to know what the sitcom is? yeah next week I'll talk about it another time okay okay I want to drive through to this if you'll

drive through pardon the pun I went to Hartlepool to do the filming and checked into a hotel and they told me oh our parking space is across there

in that bay yeah well you I am now but the hotel did not tell me you need to come in and get a voucher. So I parked there, got a ticket, gave the ticket to the hotel the following day, saying, oh, you didn't tell me about the voucher. They said, it's all right, we'll sort it out.

Month later, I get a ticket, 100 quid fine. So then I'm in touch with the hotel. They're not helping. Wow. So I've had an unjust parking ticket recently, cut to last Monday night when I go off to do some new material at a gig, and I can't find a parking bay that is, I thought it was just going to be on the street,

but it was in a big campus thing. It was all money. So I had to park. I hadn't brought any money, and I had to leave my car un-parking ticketed for the whole gig that I was doing. And where did you leave it? Just in the street? I left it in a bay.

In the bay. As if I'd paid. And I was thinking, I'm going to go back to a ticket. I cannot remember a single word of new material that I tried at that show. Because you were so stressed. I was so stressed. So you're waiting to go back to the bay. I think this is a good cliffhanger on which to leave it.

Okay? Well, I think my 12 minutes of jokes were basically parking ticket parking ticket parking i think that's all i said for 12 if you want to find out in a minute whether alan got a ticket bear with french skinner on absolute radio surely not there must be some mistake we left you on something of a cliffhanger we did i say something because there's cliffhangers go. It's not broad church. You left your car in a bay. I left my car in a bay.

Somebody had said you need to put some cash in. I enjoyed that. And I did that thing of walking down to where the venue is and then I mentioned to the venue staff,

actually somebody else that I was walking with said to the venue staff, Your voice is quirky, clear it. Oh, he's parked in, excuse me, he's parked in a bay

without paying but is it fine like do they come round and the guy went oh no they come round a lot and so like the stakes were raised you were in a

they come round type of scenario yeah exactly and I was thinking oh this is stressful but there was also a bit of a almost a masochistic bit of me

that was thinking well I've recently got an unfair parking fine for balance. At least I'll have earned this one. If I get one, it'll be rightful. I'll deserve it. Very complex.

It is, isn't it? So then I did my 12 minutes of new jokes, which sounded to me like blah, blah, blah, parking ticket, parking ticket, parking ticket. All I can think of is parking ticket. Get back to the car. No parking tickets. Oh, man. Do you know what? I'm so excited for you. Get back to the car. Yeah. No parking tickets. Oh.

Oh, man. Do you know what? Almost worth it. I'm so excited for you. All right, almost worth it. And now the unjust Hartlepool parking ticket that I got a couple of months ago. Has that been cancelled out then? Metaphorically speaking.

I feel like that's now only 50 quid. When I pay it next week and it's £100 I'll feel like it's only 50 because I should have had two really, shouldn't I? Has this changed your views on there being a creative deity? Because that's a perfect balance

in the universe. Into the final link of a commercial radio show. Thank you Alan. I feel like I've just wandered into the junior common room and two very annoying undergraduates are sitting there. Hang on. If you don't mind me saying.

Because I'm in a junior common room and I can drive. You're in the junior common room, which makes you annoying. Fair enough. I was one once. Yeah, it's fine. So I'm allowed to say that. Well, so how are you feeling about all this now? Well, it's that thing, isn't it?

It's almost like, you know, when they say they're losing your wallet and then you find it again and it's worth having lost it because you really appreciate it. You know, I feel pretty good about it. And you start, pretty, pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty smug and pretty good. All right about it.

Well, I enjoyed your parking anecdote and I'm pleased for you. And now I understand. That did not sound true, did it? Welcome to me. You have parked that anecdote and we'll move on. Oh, lovely. Ending on a pun. Well, was it a pun?

Not really. Not really. What was it? It was just a sentence. Something I said. Ending on a sentence. Another great autobiography title. It was just something I said.

Thank you so much for joining us this week. Thank you, Alan. Thank you, Gareth. Frank will be back with us next week. Be seeing you. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11 on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.