The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Prank Skinner

Episode Date: March 31, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss Cricketers crying, Ben Affleck's body 'art' and the Owl ring bearer. Also Frank reveals a strange pet name from his past.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Mm, mm, mm. It certainly is i am i was reading um i think it was the sun newspaper it might have been the mirror this morning it's so hard to tell nowadays and there was a story about leamington spa

was there in the west midlands and it said that fake beggars... Actually, it must have been the sun, looking back. Fake beggars were earning up to £73,000 a year. Ooh. That's very specific, isn't it? It is, isn't it? An opt-to. Presumably that's before and after tax. I don't know if there's any tax involved.

I think there legally should be, but... But opt-to? What does it mean? I think it's probably not being declared. I'm getting an account of involved. I think there legally should be. But what does it mean? I think it's probably not being declared. It isn't getting an accountant. I don't think it's being declared. It sounds like these fake beggars have created a sort of glass ceiling where when they reach the 73,000 and they say, this far and no further, people stop them and say,

here's some change, I've actually reached my 73,000. Thanks for it. Oh, congratulations. Isn't that just another word for Kickstarter, fake beggars? Essentially. I think they're up front beggars, aren't they, Kickstarter? Okay. Yeah, so up to 73,000.

How bizarre. Where did they get that figure from? Have they questioned one who's got 73,000 in a year and that he's their record breaker so far? Yeah. He might not be their record breaker. Is there a fake beggar section in the Guinness Book of Records? Oh.

I've never seen it. Can you still buy the Guinness Book of Records? Yes. Oh. I've got one. Oh, good for you. We got to send some one year, didn't we? We got to send some. It's one one. Oh. Good for you. We got to send some one year, didn't we?

We got to send some. It's one of the perks of doing this show. No, I just stood outside the publisher's address and you fight beggar. And I got one. I said, you need something to read these cold nights. And they brought me one out with a cup of Horlicks. That is nice. It used to be very glamorous, didn't it?

It was an exit. No, the Guinness Book of Records. The one I've got is a paperback. I don't know if they do the hardbacks. It used to be hardback. A huge big hardback, yeah. The Guinness Book of Records and the Bible, I think, was the only hardbacks we had in the house.

It's funny you mention the Bible. We've had an email that I'd like to bring to your attention. Has it been discovered that it's completely true from cover to cover? It's quite a moment for me and you, Al. Especially on Holy Saturday. Oh, well, perfect. Not as sure it has, but anyway. I bet the

publishers knew three or four months ago they've held it back now, so now they get maximum publicity. It's in keeping with our regular feature of whatever happened to dot dot dot, where we wonder what happened to certain things like cars backfiring. Check the C.

You're in the right zone. Check the C, that's my advice. Hi, Alan, Frank and Emily. Can I please ask Frank, whatever happened to hell? As this week the Pope has said, hell doesn't exist. The disappearance of the souls of sinners exists.

What? Keep it light, love. It's quite heavy for Easter weekend on Absolute Commercial Radio, but at the same time, it came up. It is, it's a big story. Isn't it? I mean, the Vatican have denied it. They've denied that hell doesn't exist.

Yeah. And they said... They should know. They said he spoke to an Italian journalist, but they said that the things in the quotation marks should not be seen as quotations. Oh. I mean, that's a general rule.

It's a new rule from the Pope. He's going to completely shut down the whole quotation marks. It's going to really affect my reading of prose when conversations happen. I know, yeah, it's difficult. But yeah, he claims that the Pope had told him that there wasn't a hell. You know when you meet people, like when you meet footballers

and they say, oh yeah, well the manager's going through a talk, they give you a bit of inside information. It's quite exciting. The Pope's done a bit of that. It's actually not a hell. Keep it to yourself. So that's what, I mean, you know, I can't. It's a shocker. Yeah.

It is. It could be a game changer if it catches on. The idea of it being a shocker. It is in our house. Imagine how big a git I would have been if I'd known this. So the Pope thinks there's no hell. That's because he's not married. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So on the continuing the Catholic Church theme, it is Easter. It is. I made a major discovery. Oh yeah,

every Easter, Daisy, our producer. Get yours out. She buys us a lint bonnet. I don't mean a bonnet made from lint, which she's collected from her navel over the previous 12 months. Or velvet jackets. That would be...

Or from one of the rollers I have. Oh, yeah. I've got so many lint rollers. I think the thing to do with a lint bonnet is collect the lint from your navel and then just do the tail. Oh, that's nice. It's a little fluffy.

That would be a nice effect. Just FYI, Frank, Al's bell isn't working. I've heard that. Oh, no, it is. It's back in the game. Oh, it is? Okay, that's good. Delighted to know.

Sorry, Frank, you were talking about hell. No, we've gone past hell. Okay. You may know that every year on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, my food is restricted

to one meal and two collations. Oh. What's a collation? Well, the idea is, a collation is like a snackette, but it's not a very clerical term, the snackette. Would it be like... You wouldn't get that in canon law.

What about one of those little Darylea squares? You could have one of those. A square? Darylea Square now? No, but there are squares in... I'm not going to get into the Darylea semantics. I thought that was breaking news that Darylea had changed, like when teabags did. There are little hams in there.

I remember used one once to mend a white Toblerone. That is good. Used it as a spare part. So the collation is the snack egg? Yes, so the idea, the official thing, is that the two collations shouldn't be as big an amount of food as the one meal. Oh, so the Catholic Church is like

the look for 100 calorie snacks. Two a day, Max. I think that is them. I think, Max, I think they actually say... I love how they've got a jingle. It actually says Maximus at the end, but they've cut it off a bit. Of course.

Do scan. So every year, like yesterday, I went to Mass in the afternoon, Good Friday, but I was starving. Everybody was starving, you know what I mean? Because you're not,

you're just not eating. That must have done wonders for your moods. Well, Ash Wednesday, I find it does. Ash Wednesday was on Valentine's Day this year, so that was asking for trouble. Yeah, it was... Well, so that was asking for trouble. Yeah, it was a... Well, so that's not very romantic

with the ashy cross on your head. Or is that Ash Wednesday? Is that something else? That is Ash Wednesday, yeah. It's the only way I'm going to get it on to Cat's head, is to kiss her with it. Anyway, the point is I was just having a flick through the rules and regulations

yesterday. I am. Seeing if there's any chance I could have something else to eat a bit earlier before midnight. And it says the eating restrictions in fasting in the Catholic Church stop when you turn 60. No. Oh, shut up. Yeah.

What marvellous news. First the bus pass, now this. I mean, I couldn't believe my luck. They're 14 to well, it says 14 to 59 inclusive is what it says. So when you're 60, you're off the hook.

Because you know, old people, they shouldn't really. It's a risk. So does that mean at Pontifex is off the hook? Does it mean what? At Pontifex. That's his Twitter handle, the Pope. Is he off the hook? In terms of, so he's all right on the eating clock.

He's over 60. Yes, he's certainly over 60, yes. I thought you were talking about Pontifex tea cakes. No. That's what he should bring out. Do you know Pontifex tea cakes? Yes. You're looking at me like I've started speaking Swahili.

Do you know them? It's not April the 1st today, is it? No. No, why? Thank God, I thought I'd missed a chance to fool you. I accidentally fooled someone. The Fez has arrived, so I'm going to move on. I'll tell you after this.

But I fooled someone in a very half-hearted way, and it was actually quite a good one, I thought. I'll tell you about it. Okay. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So I was speaking to Daisy, our producer, on the phone. And I said, I'm just going out, actually. I said, I'm going to watch Black Men Walking. And she said, what do you mean? I said, it's a thing I do. I like to just sit in the street and watch Black Men Walking. There was a silence at the other end of the phone. I said, it's a play.

It's a play days. Alright. So I'm wishing I'd save it as an April 4th. Maybe it's the no hell thing. On Sunday the Pope will go April 4th.

There is one. And people will say, yeah but I've been really bad in the interim. And he'd just wave at a hand. That's all cleaned up. Is that part of the job? Part of the job. When I went to see Black Men Walk, it's on a royal course, very good, actually.

I'd recommend it. It's about a black walking club. Right. And on the way, I got the, because obviously I've got an over-60s travel card, I do a lot of public transport, so I got the tube, and it did that thing, the tube,

when it just, they just say, right, we're stopping. No. You have to get off. Yeah. That's it. No apology. Oh, I hate it. And then you have to watch the ghost train, you know, when it goes back into the tunnel. I don't like it, the empty ghost train. Well, they did a thing where they said, they

stopped, but they were just short of Gloucester Road station. So they said, we're just going to have to wait until we can actually get to the station. So you can't do anything. Anyway, so I thought, well, I can walk from here to the Royal Court. So I started, I got off,

I got off at, I got on it at West Brompton. Right. All right. West Brompton Tube. Because it sounds a bit like West Brompton, that's why you like it. That had never occurred to me, ever.

That's why, that's your favourite station. And then a bloke said to me, bit of a home, from home for you, isn't it nice? I said,

what's that? He said, West Brompton. I said, I don't know what you, it was like an idiotic eerie, I said,

in what way? He said, West Brompton, and I thought, oh, no, it had never occurred to me. So anyway, In what way? He said, West Brom. And I thought, oh. It never occurred to me. Yeah. So anyway, I got off the tube when we had to get off.

So I was walking briskly to the Royal Court. It's raining, couldn't get a cab, et cetera, et cetera. And there was a lot of people who were obviously all in the same I was going to say in the same boat but that's just going to confuse it even more and this I heard a bloke say to the there's like a sort of a newspaper seller man

he said to this bloke he said do you know what get to Sloane Square he said you need to go down that road follow Frank Skinner. And suddenly I become a direction. A local landmark.

Yeah, I am actually a landmark. And so he did. I had a look. He was behind me. If they'd just got one of those little flags, you could have had your own little tour crew, like in central London.

Well, the truth was, I was going to Sloane Square, so I could have said, just keep following me, but I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I'd heard what was said. It seemed cheap. Nor encourage the followers. No, I don't want a lot of people following about not anymore

I've had my fill of that now that's nice thanks for that go and see Black Moon Walker it's good Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank I'd like to read you a communique from Deep Fat Friar.

Oh, yeah. If that's OK with you. She says, Frank, I tried to explain what a big moment was to my boyfriend. Do we need to recap briefly on a big moment? Yeah, very... OK. A big moment is... Sometimes people say to you that Big Mo on EastEnders is Gary Oldman's sister, which is correct,

but it's been told so many times now, it's not the unusual rare fact it was. So it's about anyone who tells you something as if thinking there's no way they'll know this, but of course you know it because everybody knows it's one of those. Another example was that Birmingham has got more canals than Venice. And Neville Neville I I heard, as well. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes. Anyway, Deep Fat Friot continues. I tried to explain what a big moment was to my boyfriend, and every example I used, Big Mo, canals in Birmingham, he didn't know. It was an infuriating conversation. It must have been.

Which ended up being me. But educational for him. Well, she says it ended up me just telling him loads of good facts. Yeah, that is, it's always a danger. I think there was a, I think when I said the Birmingham canals, I think, Al, you hadn't heard that, was it? No, I had heard that. Oh, yeah, someone hadn't heard it.

Yeah, there was someone. Obviously not putting their hands up. No, I think it was me. I think it was you. I'm, Al, you hadn't heard that, was it? No, I had heard that. Oh, yeah, someone hadn't heard it. Yeah, there was someone. Obviously not putting their hands up. No, I think it was me. I think it was you. I'm sure it would have been. Well, there's three of us here. Of course it was me. Well, I mean, it might have been one of the staff.

It might. I'll tell you something else. I went to a... It's a poetry show I go to do you know Bang Said They're Gone are you familiar with that? Brilliant Night Out I went to that and one of the poets

I love the idea of the poetry like being brilliant night out it sounds great you made it sound a bit follow the bear it's a bit follow Frank Skinner it's a theatrical event that bear. It's a bit follow Frank Skinner. Yeah. It's a bit...

To a theatrical event. That's all that happens to you. What's that? Follow Frank Skinner to a theatrical event. Yeah. No, it's performance poetry, so there's lots of jokes. Lovely. Anyway, one of the poets was talking about the fact...

Now, you know, we also have idiotic eureka moments, when things that you never realise everyone else knows. He talks about the fact that the McDonald's sign, you know, the golden... Arches. That it's made of chips. It's made of French fries. It's not.

Oh, shut up. I didn't know that. Well, I didn't know that. And I thought, really? So I did Google it. You know, I'm sort of anti-Google, if you don't remember. But it's all right if you don't know. So I Googled it because I was fascinated by that.

Anyway, it's not true. Oh. I know, what a letdown. He's a trickster. But it was worth it because there was, you know, when you go Googling something and you get possible questions come up in a little. Yes.

So things that other people have asked. Yeah. One of them, quite a popular question is, why is the McDonald's sign an M? Oh. Right. Um. Because. Isn't that, you could work that out for yourself, couldn't you? Yeah. Oh. Right. Um. Because. It's a lie.

You could work that out for yourself, couldn't you? Yeah. What questions do you think you get if you put in your name? Well, you know when you look up... Is Frank Skinner, does it say Frank Skinner, bit of a git? Well, if you look up, I haven't tried it. If you look up, and I've looked up other people's name. Mm. You get, you know, you look up someone, I don't know, you look up

Russell Grant and it says disability and you think, really? I never knew that and often it's just nothing but it's something that's been looked at a lot I always think it's wife you get a call out a lot Russell Grant wife

good luck with that Frank's getting a net worth it's his wife and Net Worth I'm going to look that up yeah I enjoyed that play Net Worth

that was that's really good I also I think I saw Oasis there oh puns about Skinner

Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Yeah, there's a park near us that we nearly bought a house in and we drive past it all the time. And every time we drive past it, I say,

we'd be home by now if we'd bought that house. I mean, every time. It's possible to not say it. It's what dads are supposed to do. Yeah, exactly. I'm fulfilling my part in the brief, I think. It's like, mine is, because Kath is a very healthy food person, if we go out and I say, what's that food like?

And she says, it's a bit oily. I always say, it's only quarter one and I don't I don't even change I don't change the time money I say quarter one regardless

I went to Blackpool at the weekend oh how was that it was what it was the

the gathering were you suggesting that was insincerity in my tone? I don't know why it made me chuckle though it was the George Formby Society Convention oh nice lots of ukuleles

well I've been there before with you Frank indeed and I'll tell you what I experienced and this is it's a sort of an underground phenomenon now with you, Frank. Indeed. And I'll tell you what I experienced. And this is, it's a sort of an underground phenomenon now. It's the funny train announcer man.

Oh, yeah. You know, he's... Oh, yes, yeah. I think that's what I'd be doing if I hadn't met him in comedy. Well, there's still time, dear.

You have to have an outlet. You seem to be working your way towards being an usher at a theatre by just shepherding pedestrians there. Exactly. Also, Al, he's got that on the CV, the old train driving experience. Oh, from Doctor Who.

Yeah, exactly. When I was chief engineer. Okay. That's what they told you. So when we was getting off the train, I got off at Preston. He played Always Look on the Right Side of Life. Did he? Yeah, and he talked over it.

Oh, did he? It was fabulous. Because it said, you know, there's that bit, if life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten. He came in and said, not your luggage, I hope. I love him. Now, I know you're supposed to, in a way, not laugh at them, but I thought that was... I really enjoyed that.

It made me feel good. Oh, I love them. Yeah, because people moan about the toilets, the funny toilet and things. But this was a man... This was life. Oh, it was life. Keep train comedy live, that's my idea. That is fair. Yeah. And also, let's face it, come on, you guys.

If you were offered the train toilet voiceover, you'd take it, wouldn't you? Yeah. 100. Yeah. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, um, Black Ports, I went and had a look at the tower, obviously. Yeah? It's still there?

It's something I learnt. I wouldn't call this a big moment. Um, it's the 120th tallest freestanding tower in the world. Right, that was probably about my guess. Do they boast about that? I hope they do. That's rather sweet, isn't it? 120. It doesn't have a league table.

I was hoping there'd be a model of all of them to scale. Yeah. Right. In a big, long thing. Done with chips, going to that poet. Yeah. Yeah, but who knew that? No.

And how was the... Conceived from outer space. Yeah, but who knew that? No. And how was the... Conceived from outer space. How was the convention? No. I'm getting me April Fool's in early. Oh, he's getting loads in. Prankster, Frank. There's no help.

Prankskiner, I call him. I love that. That's one of those things Dad always says. And how was the convention itself? Where real music matters. It was great. There was a lot of people. Another one.

It was brilliant. The president of the society said, welcome home to me. Oh, nice. That's brilliant, isn't it? Come on! It made me very happy. And I got to play the ukulele that George played in Keep Your Seats, Please.

Wow. What about that? Great use of wow, Al. Well, that is a wow. Yeah, but when I was there last, I say last like I go there all the time, Frank said we could go to the shop and I got really excited and I thought they'd be all merchandise. And there was three middle-aged men by a table with two ukuleles and a pint glass. So I'm just saying the shop would let me down. Well, there was more than that. I bought a mug with ukulele cords on. Nice.

And also you could buy a piece of cloth that you put on your chest. You just stock it on your chest. And he said if you're wearing a silky... It's called a bikini. If you're wearing a silky... It's called a bikini. If you're wearing a silky shirt, it stops the ukulele slipping. It gives it a bit of purchase.

Oh, nice. Who'd have thought of that? It's like a sort of frictiony bib. Yeah, exactly. If you're wearing a silky shirt, I won't be going out with you. It's a sort of a ukulele crampon. Silk shirt and playing ukulele crampon.

Silk shirt and playing ukulele, the double whammy. Yeah, I suppose when you think about it, the silk shirt and the ukulele they're not strangers to each other. Almost certainly. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us. We haven't had many today, have we? No, no, we have. OK, 8.12.15 you can text us. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Anybody wondering what the rattling is? It's the bell from the lit chocolate. It's the lit molly. We'll stop promoting. You'd think it'd be slightly muffled by the navel fluff that surrounds it. No, not a bit, is it? But no.

Yeah, I never thought of that. I suppose we are. Well, don't send us, obviously, don't send us free lint stuff. I can't believe that would be a healthy thing for anyone. I never thought I'd say this, Frank, but we probably need to talk about cricket, don't we? At last! At last!

It's not my thing, but it's been in a bit of trouble, hasn't it? Well, they've all been in a little bit of trouble. Who knew sandpaper was a thing? Yes. I mean, apparently sandpaper's evil and dangerous. Well, um... You're going to have to steer us through this. I've heard it said in the S&M community on a few occasions.

Do you also ban it in your community? Certainly not. OK. I'm happy with the tears as well. So, let's recap on the events well basically there is a phenomenon in cricket called ball tampering can you explain the advantage that would be created by that

well if you can get a ball that is you know there's a seam down the middle of a cricket ball if you can get one side of it to be rough and the other side of it to be smooth it makes the ball swing in the air makes it harder to hit. Tell me about it. So, you know that frantic polishing on the trousers?

That's for the shiny side. Oh, is that why they were doing it? I just thought they looked a bit handsome when they did that. I thought that was nervousness. I love it when they do that. I thought it was a tick. No, that'd be a terrible tick to have. I'm like, it was an apple.

But can I ask a question? You are allowed to use saliva. Is this correct? What? Well, a bloke got done for using saliva. He had mints in his mouth, and he deliberately had mints to make his saliva more... More minty?

Well, more minty, but I think thicker. Oh, OK. But if you can really roughen up one side of the ball, you're in with a shout. And people have used soil and their fingernails to... Anyway, so the Australians did this. Now, the Australians, it's a bit of background. They're very sort of Thatcher's Britain.

OK. As a cricket team, very winner or cosser. We hate everyone and very sort of Thatcher's Britain as a cricket team. Very winner all costs and we hate everyone and very sort of aggressive and offensive. Australia? That doesn't sound like Australians. I don't mean all Australians. I mean the cricket team. Aggressive in sporting events. Yeah, but they've taken it to the end

of the reframe. I like, Frank, the Prime Minister, is it Malcolm Turnbull, said, you know they normally come out with the comment very dignified. He said, it beggars belief. Which is so fabulously Aussie. Well, of course, if it happened in Leamington Spa, it would fake beggars belief. Very good.

You know what I'm giving that? Hooray. Yeah. Now, tampering, again, a word that I never hear used anywhere else other than in Baltimore. You know, the delight. Look, we've spoken on here about spate, spate used for burglaries. Right.

Oh, yeah, spate, yeah. Or cancellations. Spate. Occasionally. Nothing except disasters are ever unmitigated. It's only unmitigated disasters. And to be a delinquent just means to be a criminal, but now there's only juvenile delinquents.

You're never of a middle-aged delinquent. Anyway, so tampering's gone into that. But I've watched these men crying, the captain, Steve Smith. And then David Warner was crying. David Warner was crying this morning. I've seen that one. You know what?

What? I'm not buying it. You're not buying their tears? No. Fake news. Fake tears. Fake tears, yeah. Yeah.

I was looking at Steve Smith's cheeks, completely dry. Yeah. Completely dry. Remember the little girl on Britain's Got Talent who got a restart for crying? I do remember. There wasn't a damn bit of moisture on her face. Are you suggesting there's been some tear duct tampering? Oh, well, I mean, I think that David Warner,

they had a... I watched the press conference, no sign of tears, and then they showed a still with tears on the cheek. I think he's probably sneaked an onion. Yeah. Illegally. He probably has. Down his kegs. That's where they keep it, isn't it? Yeah, exactly he's probably sneaked an onion. Yeah. Illegally. Yeah, he probably has. Down his kegs.

That's where they keep it, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. They're going to keep an onion down there. What about when that press conference was on and Daisy, the producer, went, I like his wife's jacket. Well, that was the other thing. Come on, Daisy.

He walked into the press conference with his wife, David Warner, and then they had a really warm hug and then he went on stage. You'd do that outside, wouldn't you? Yeah, totally. Or that morning. I love Frank.

Before he left the house. You know, Frank's such a lovely trad entertainer, he said, on stage. Yeah. Well, yeah, but... I didn't like the dad's hand on the shoulder when the other guy was having his. Oh, I know. I did not like that. That was like when you get, like, you know if somebody gets murdered

and there's a court case and there's, like, all the relatives all arm in arm. I often think the genuine, you know, the close people to the person are looking and saying, who's that on the end? Is that Kevin's girlfriend? I've never seen her before in my life.

What's she upset about? It was just one. You're right. It was the blue Oxford shirted hand. It was just the arm. I hadn't seen, I'm going to use the technical term, I hadn't seen the wide shot at the start. So I didn't know that there was a guy there behind him.

So I'm just watching a guy cry and then suddenly a hand joins the picture. I went, oh! Jumped out my skin. It was a more busy stage. The dad thinking, I'm going to be part of this. He thought, look, if I can't get in this, my hand is going to.

To be fair, I think they were... I do think they were genuinely, genuinely upset that they'd been caught. Right. Well, I'm sure they were. Do you think, if they hadn't been caught, that Steve Smith would have gone home and sat on his own crying about the terrible thing he'd done?

Frank, what about when Steve Smith said, they said, what would you say to young kids disappointed? He said, I want to say I'm sorry, and I want to say I can't remember what else. That's because he was so upset that he'd been caught can I tell you one thing just a bit of background to this

Cameron Bancroft who was the young bowler he wasn't actually crying but he's also banned with the sunblock and the terrible glasses he told this story that Johnny Bairstow, England cricketer, had greeted him with a headbutt. And it was obviously a bit of tomfoolery and not a proper headbutt.

But he leaked the story out and it got Johnny Bairstow into quite a bit of trouble. And him and Steve Smith, the two guys who were actually crying at the initial thing this week, Steve Smith, the two guys who were actually crying at the initial thing this week, sat in a press conference and laughed and giggled together about the fact that Johnny Bear still had gone into trouble, and now they're sitting in a press conference crying. Surely, if there's any atheists out there, that must make you think again. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8

on Absolute Radio There was a strange moment in I don't know they're all interchangeable to me because I don't follow cricket

so I think it might have been Steve Smith or the other one it was one of the crying videos there seems to have been a lot this week we should put a

montage together with the crying game over the top of it. Oh, I love that, yeah. But there's a strange moment in it where in the middle of sobbing he went cricket is the best game in the whole world. And I thought

nah, it's not, mate. No, I think he might have something there. Well, I was watching it on a train and there was a couple in front of me playing travel battleships. Oh. And they hadn't set up like a makeshift cricket green and had a go at travel cricket on the... No, but they could have played.

Do you remember how was that, the cricket board game? I do not remember that. I don't know, but I bet there was an exclamation mark after the house act. I'm not sure of the ones, actually. Was there any kind of penalty for ball tampering on house acts? No, I think there wasn't actually a ball. Oh. You threw a dice.

Well, it wasn't really a dice. A die? I prefer die. Do you? Yeah. Isn't die the singular or the plural? I don't know. I think it's die is singular.

I don't want to fall out over it. No, no, that would be terrible. Why do you and Frank not speak anymore? Yeah, it was over... Yeah, whether die or die is the plural. Can I say something? David Warner, who's my least favourite of the Triumvirate, just don't like them.

He is a difficult man. Yes. Is he the out-and-out baddie of this story? He punched Jack Root. Joe Root, Jack Root. If he'd have punched Jack Root, he'd have been in trouble. He was a bare-knuckle heavyweight champion. Yeah.

He'd have killed him. Yeah. Well, can I tell you why I've taken a gint in him? I didn't like his apology. He tweeted it, and he tweeted it... You know the Notes app on your phone? Oh, yeah. With the little yellow font on it?

Oh, yeah. And there's the trash can icon at the bottom. Oh, yeah. It just looked a bit chaotic. It was a bit tacky and I thought have some sense of occasion at least say it beggars belief. And he said at the end of his apology I need to take a deep breath and spend time with my family friends and trusted advisors. You will hear from me in a few days. It's a bit Don Corleone. You will hear from me. Yeah, Trusted Advice. Yeah, Trusted Advice. The Chicago one. It's a bit Liam Gallagher, as you were.

Yeah, it's all right. Don't worry, David. I'm not in any rush to hear from you. I like Trusted Advice. I've got to check on my mini cashier, sir. Yeah. That's what he will be checking on as well, because I've lost a few quid from it

Yeah It just sounded a bit grand given the situation he's in Yes, indeed Okay Look, I am a sympathy-free I think he's listening, you've told him off, okay? I am a sympathy-free zone as far as the Australian

What do they call it? The Australian leadership team is that what they call it? Australian leadership team is that what they're called concerned yeah for goodness sake don't get me wrong before you text in

I like Australians in general yeah current cricket team you know what they need to have a long hard look at themselves

yeah mind you if I had that kind of physique I'd be doing that every day taking an extraordinary turn. Oh, I know.

I definitely wouldn't get out on that camera. You don't think so? Crude. Crude. Do you know what I didn't tell you? At Blackpool, we had a mad race. The original cab to take me home, to the train station, didn't turn up.

So the bloke arrived and was a mad... You know the thrill of looking at the clock, knowing that you've got a train to catch? Oh, yeah. And it was like a race across town. Every green light is going, yeah, come on, it's brilliant. And I actually got to the train and the doors closed on me. Wow.

And I managed to wriggle in. It was one of the most exciting things I've ever happened to. That is good. I was utterly thrilled. Indiana Jones territory. And there wasn't a hint of applause. Oh, that's a shame. I mean, it was such an obvious thing.

People saw me running down the platform on the train. You'd be willing me on, wouldn't you? Do you know why, Frank? Some people are a tough crowd. Well, I was going to say, first is a very tough crowd. Yeah, that's probably it. I think that's the problem. It takes a lot to impress those people.

If I'd gone into a corner of me, I'd have been ripped to pieces. Like when an exotic bird escapes from a cage and the garden sparrows just tear them. Exotic Birmingham birds. Tear them to pieces. So, you know. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, I'll tell you what else we've had. I just wanted to say we've had a lovely shout-out from Dame Joan Bakewell. Ah, fabulous. Who says, Happy Easter to you all.

I'm not saying she said it like the Queen, like that. But she says, Happy Easter to you all and those you love. That's nice, isn't it? A lot of time for that woman. She was with me at Black Men Walking. Was she? She was. Yes.

What a fabulous woman she is. I love you, Joan. What a way for Kath to find out. What if she just hears that and doesn't know I'm talking? What if Joan Collins has just tuned in? Oh, yeah. Boys, have you seen...

Boys? Ben Affleck's... Will Hay. Have you seen Ben Affleck's Phoenix? I've never been so do you think I'd say if I had? It's been everywhere

darling Well He was well he was at the centre of a tattoo mystery this week Yeah The boy with the Phoenix tattoo

He was spotted with this tattoo about three years ago Three years? Wow. All over his back. If I was medieval, I'd say three summers. Oh, yeah. Three summers ago.

He said at the time he was doing it for a movie. He said it was fake, didn't he? Fake tattoo. He said it was fake. I said, it's tattoos. Yeah. I believe he referred to it as a temporary piece of body art. Did he?

Okay. But it turns out it wasn't. What a weird thing to lie about in a list of the things that we lie about. Yeah. Well, having a tattoo and then saying it's not a real one is weird. And then he was photographed on the beach and there it was in its full, I say glory, I'm not a fan of it. People don't like it, do they?

I don't understand why people don't like it. It's just a big tattoo, like a lot of the modern people have. Someone said it's not colourful enough. It's too colourful. It should be less colourful. When you say someone, I believe that was Jennifer Lopez who said that. Oh, I've heard of her.

Too many colours, she said. It's like, is it the prince, the crown prince in Amadeus says too many notes. Yes, I always go to my art appreciation. I always go to J-Lo. They should be cooler, she said. Yeah. J-Lo.

I think, for me, it looked less... Day-Glo, I call her. It looked less Phoenix and more Godzilla It just didn't look quite like a Phoenix And the flames were red Do you think you should get a cover up of a Godzilla on there? Because that's the thing People get tattoos that are like covered up

So you could get a Godzilla I always say if I put my money into anything At the moment It would be a tattoo removal business. In a few years' time, that is going to be... An actual advice from Frank there. That's going to be a boom industry. What is it that you are investing in if it isn't that?

You often say if I was to put my money... I'm working on the hat umbrella. I still think that's going to sweep the board at some point. He's a property magnate. The Phoenix from the Flames You may know that David Bedil and I used to do a football show way back. Oh yes. And we had a feature

called Phoenix from the Flames. I remember. It was a mistake. Because really the Phoenix rises from the ashes. Yes, not from the flames. But we were young and impatient. We didn't like to leave things to the last minute. I thought phoenix from the flames is a phrase though, isn't it? No, only because of fantasy football, is it?

Hang on, are we thinking that Ben Affleck maybe got a tattoo based on fantasy football? I think he has, because I've never heard it anywhere else. Well, I was suspicious when I saw he had Stato on his left forearm. Was he in the dressing gown? Of course. No, but it's Phoenix from the ashes. That's the idea. That it rises up from the...

But there were flames on that back. Well, I think that's it. I think Affleck's a big fantasy football fan. And he's got his wires crossed. Imagine Ben Affleck sitting there with a beard saying, oh, football was rubbish.

Who knows? Who knows? Once it's out there. Yeah. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, that was my throat. Who did that? I think that was me. Wow. Was it your throat? Yeah, I think it was.

God. I think it's better to be honest. No, no. I thought we'd started playing the frog chorus by Paul McCartney. I mean, I wasn't going to say anything, and then the producer gasped. And when the producer gasped... Yeah. You know. I mean, I think we going to say anything, and then the producer gasped. When the producer gasps... Yeah.

I mean, I think we all, for a moment, thought that it was ourselves, didn't we? I certainly had a worry. How long is this post-mortem going to be? I thought the whole link. I assumed it was the drains. I mean, we've all been there. Anyway, Matt Damon has leapt to the defence

of his friend Ben Affleck. Get this for a defence. I mean this is a big he really likes his tattoo. He said, I support him in all of his artistic impression. So he really likes it, doesn't he? Or is he saying yeah, I don't like it either but I can't

say it. Expression he said. In all of his artistic impression. Expression. No, expression. No, all of his artistic impression. Expression. Expression. Oh, no. Impression. No, expression. Alright, expression. Let's call the whole thing. Yeah. That's not him leaping to the defence, is it? That's him saying

I don't like it either. I was taught not to mock the afflictat. Lovely. I think it's fine. It's like lots of other. I mean it's fine. It's like lots of other. I mean, they all look a bit silly, people drawing on themselves.

But I feel there are people who are real tattoo enthusiasts. And, you know, they... Then there's the followers, you know, there's the joinerinas. Right. And I don't think he's one of the enthusiasts. Right. It's art, isn't it? When it's done well, it's art. Yeah.

I think it looks alright. He's got a nice big back for it. He does have a big back. Big back flick. That's what I call it. Matt Damon, Al, he also said, I do not think it's one, I don't know if he said, I do not think. I'm making him sound very overly formal.

Dr Seuss. I do not think. It'm making him sound very overly formal. Dr Seuss. I do not think it is one man's job to tell another man what he can do to his back. I do not think that this much is. He said, I do not think it is one man's job to tell another man what he can do to his back. No, I agree. I think, well, yeah, someone tell Heston Blumenthal that. Oh, yeah. OK?

Can we just say? I've often said that when I've met with my friends in the SNM community. Well, Heston Blumenthal did what he wanted with your back. He did. He jumped on my back. It's true. Yeah.

The monster. Man's a monster. Jennifer Garner, who I didn't even know had been out with oh she was married to the man for many years was she

all the Jennifers yeah he only dates Gens she was brilliant in the Rockford Files was she fabulous oh okay

she said what I liked about it it was quite she said so hold on she was talking about it and she said so hold on

am I the ashes I take ombrege at that she said, so hold on, she was talking about it, and she said, so hold on, am I the ashes? I take ombrege at that, she said. Now, whenever anyone says I take ombrege, I always immediately think of Humphrey Ombrege, who was the tortoise in a children's TV show called Vision On, which we used to be on in the late 60s, early 70s. Oh, right. And it was for deaf.

It was aimed mainly at deaf children. Oh, yeah, the modern people, they think they've discovered the concern for disabilities. We were there. We were there, way ahead of them. Where's the programmes on telly for deaf children now? Well, actually, that's what I asked myself. Admittedly, they were smoking, probably on the phone.

Okay, that's true. And I'll tell you something else, they didn't return any of the artwork. Oh, right. Kids used to send in their very best, brilliant drawings.

They used to say, we don't return any of your drawings, but we do give a prize to any that are shown. So, the BBC were taking part on a weekly basis

in a child art bonfire. Oh. Can that be morally acceptable? It's actually quite sad, that. Yeah. I can't think of a worse scandal. I suppose in the grand scheme of things. Worst thing that's ever happened.

Maybe there was worse stuff going on then. But still, yeah. Worst thing that's ever come up. Maybe there was worse stuff going on. There's still... Yeah. But the fact that somebody says, shall we go and burn some more deaf kids' art? I mean, that's horrible, isn't it? But you're right, there was other stuff going on. Yeah, there was some other stuff going on,

which wasn't so great. Strange times altogether. Yeah. Maybe a fair song. But I say, it's not like that now. No. No, it's a different world. I love that song. But I say it's not like that now. No. No, it's a different world. Thank God for that.

Good night. I'm sorry, we're carrying on. I don't think we can carry on after that. Okay, fine. God, I nearly did the impression. No. In the mind. Just play the song.

You can often claim it was Tarzan. Get away. Play the song. You can often claim it was Tarzan. Play the song. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what would be brilliant. I have my idea for the tattoo removal business. If I could develop a technology. So say if you had a tattoo on your arm, you really, really shake your arm and it just goes,

like with Etch-A-Sketch. Oh, that'd be good, yeah. That'd be good. That'd be worth millions. Millions? I wonder if that'd be worth millions, darling. It would. OK.

People would be desperate to get rid of tattoos soon. There'd be a problem, though, because if you had tattoos you liked and you went trampolining, you'd have to go and get them all done again. Yeah. Good for the tattooists, so that. Apparently Ben Affleck has said look, you know, I'm fed up

of talking about my tattoo. I'm just going to draw a line under it. The trouble with these full body tattoos it has become a bit Love Island slash Ex on the Beach. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but there's some surprising people. Fern Cotton has got those leg tattoos.

Oh, okay. I always think leg tattoos are a major commitment. Do you? Yeah. Sometimes I've seen them under patterned tights and stuff. It's a conglomeration of imagery. Can't cope with it at all. I think the idea with...

He's saying, isn't he, that he's had hard times in his life and he's risen up again. Charles Dickens. Hey, whose phone just went off? Is that your Siri? I just said, holy water, hard times. I mean, how much more Frank Skinner's Siri could you get? Holy water, hard times, your autobiography.

It's actually on silent. Is Siri giving you papal decrees? Is that what's happening? Siri said, holy water. I've got papal alerts. Wow, that was a bit scary. There may not be a hell. It's honestly on silent.

Oh, wow. Well, he moves in mysterious ways, doesn't he, Frank? He certainly does. I didn't think he moved via Siri. Wow. So what would you, if you had to have a tattoo that summed up your life, it's quite a challenge, isn't it? I'm going to have to

say holy water hard times for you. Yes. Honestly. I think mine would be a clown in a clown boat. Oh, yeah. Reaching and dragging me out from a swirling lake of alcohol. Nice. That'd be good.

Have that on my back. Just don't get too much colour. Go for something cool. No, not too much colour. That'd be nice for Have that on my back. Just don't get too much colour. Go for something cooler. Not too much colour. That'd be nice for a cast to look at. Also, a clown boat presumably explodes and falls to pieces intermittently. Wing mirrors falling off. The glitter horn. I like the idea, though, of the life symbolised by the tattoo. I would like that if it was the Northampton clown,

if you based the drawing on that. Oh, yeah. What about Gary Barlow would have snakes and ladders because of his fabulous up-and-down career? What are you thinking? Eh? Loving it. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

I don't feel like we've had so much contact from the outside world today. Well, it's Easter, dear. What does that mean? Well, you should know. You of all people, dear. What does that mean? Well, you should know. You of all people should know. What does that even mean? Well, it's Silent Saturday.

People are going away. They're getting in on their religion. You can't get away from our frequency, 988. People are contemplating some of the new Pope news that they might want to watch. Yeah, there's no help. Well, somebody texted... It's not official.

You say we haven't had many texts, but somebody texted saying he's also added if there's no hell, there can be no heaven either because you can't have one without the other. Where did that rule come from? I think he put it in an addendum. I don't think he did. Like a PS.

I think they've got mixed up with Frank Sinatra's popular song, Love and Marriage. Do you think so? You can't have one without the other. Do you like that song? We've all been told that in the past. It's all just smoke and pipe, isn't it? Yeah.

Okay. I'm never sure whether it's a Groucho Marx cigar or a Sherlock Holmes part. It differs. It depends on the angle of the biro. Depends on your mood. We were discussing... I'm not vaping.

Ben Affleck's ink. That's what you're thinking. We were discussing Ben Affleck's ink before we went and in other taste news amongst these celebs... That's not like Bad Boys ink. That's his actual ink. Can I ask a question? Sure.

Could I vape in here? Is that allowed? No. The producer just shook her head. And also looked a little bit contemptuous, I might say, at the idea of vaping. Okay, just wondering. You could set the fire alarm off, surely.

I don't think so. It's steam, isn't it? Yeah, I think that's what... I don't think there's a steam alarm. Let's give it a go, see what happens. Why would there be a steam alarm? Good point. Alright, fair enough. Kettle.

I feel a fool. Dangerous kettle work. Anyway. Well, we haven't got a kettle in here either, but... Oh, lovely cup of tea. The Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom relationship is... What a beautiful couple. They're shit.

...apparently back on. They're shit. Can we just... What's their portmanteau name? What are you going to go for? K-Bloom. Oh, I quite like that. K-Bloom.

Orla Perry. Corlando. Actually, I think Orla Perry might be a travel news broadcaster. Yeah. Or Kate. Or Kate. Let's keep workshopping that. I don't feel we're quite there yet.

Or Perry. Okay. Or Perry. Or Perry.. Okay. Orpery. Orpery. Blary. Blary. He's going to be here all morning, isn't he? I think so.

What about Plume? No, they need to split up. There isn't really a good one. The portmanteau's not good. Well, they did split up. And now they're back together again. Yeah. Well, they did split up, and now they're back together again.

Yeah. So they went, they were on a date recently, weren't they? Mm-hmm. They went go-karting in Tokyo for their date? They do a lot. I remember them, they were on a little speed thing when he was naked. Oh, yes. Paddle board. Paddle board, I think you'll find.

Yeah, yeah. He was naked on the paddle board. I always felt she didn't know. She was sitting there obliviously. She was behind her. Oh, really? Yeah. Right.

It's just him being like a prankster. Oh, it was like the surgeon's photograph. I don't know about that one. It's an early sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, that's it. It's an early sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. Oh, that's it. What I want to go, can I send a shout out to the people who got the surgeon's photograph joke without me having to say that?

Respect to you, you are my people. Yeah, and my apologies to those people for not getting it. Oh, it's OK, it's probably an age thing. Yeah. What, the surgeon's photograph? You know what? I, uh... Yes, she, uh... She's back in love with him. Yeah, she's back in love with him. I'm not saying she's

stopped being in love with him. She's let slip a nickname for him, hasn't she? She's let slip that they have, uh... Can I tell you something about... I heard about this thing about the nickname, and there's a video of her on stage saying, you know, I'm playing this for, and then she says the nickname and there's a video of her on stage saying i'm playing this for and then she says the nickname and i watched it and you know when um you watch a video on the internet and then right after you get an advert

so i did that and i watched that video and she said the nickname and then it cut off and the advert came up for Frank's Accidental Salmon. Wow. And I stopped it there and I wish now I'd let it play because I want to know what Frank's Accidental Salmon is. Yeah. Is that targeted advertising aimed at you? Do you think it's personalised?

Yes. Oh, I hope that's true. When you go in for herring and you're just a bit distracted and you buy yourself some salmon. I get bagpuss adverts targeted at me. Do you remember when people used to have newspaper adverts printed with their name on? Do you remember that?

Yes, I had some of those. Used to be a big deal. Now you can go into Pronto Print and get yourself on a mouse mat. Pronto Print? I mean, the world has changed. It really has. Mark, if you like.

You can do what? Key ring. Key ring. I've got a mug. I've got a mug with my name on it. Laptop case. Yeah. It's a list.

What was that? T-shirts, hoodies? Not a hoodie. Hoodies, really? I've got a mug with my name on it. Laptop case. Yeah. Shall we list all the things you can get rid of? T-shirts, hoodies. Not a hoodie. Hoodies, really? You can't get your name on a hoodie? You can. Have you not seen any stag do's? You can't get a man with a gun, I know that much.

What was the name? What was the pet name for Orlando Bloom? Can you remember it? Babadook. Sounds like Babadook. Baba. I think it's Babadook. Babadook. Babad Sounds like Babadook. Baba. I think it's Babadook. Babadow.

Babadow it was. Frank says it was such an authority. Babadow it was. He was famous as Babadow. He's naming a 50s TV star that he's very self-confident on because he watched the series and we didn't. It was Babadow.

It's Babadow. It meant me things. It's Bobado. Bobado? It made me think. It's spelled Bobado in the paper. It's so specific about it. I thought it sounded very onomatopoeic. Do you know what I mean? All right, yeah.

I thought they need to get the bolts tightened on that bedstead. Bobado, Bobado, Bobado, Bobado, Bobado. Hold on, where's my tattoos gone? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, the Baba Duke.

So what do we think he's called? Baba Duke. Baba Duke. Bobby Duke. It's Bobby. There's no Bobby in it. No, it's Bubba. Oh, it's Bubba, is it?

Bubba, I think. I do too. Because I think it's a variation on baby. It's based on Samuel Johnson saying to David Garrick, I'll come no more backstage, Davey, for the white bobbies and silk stockings of the actresses of Excited My Amorous Propensities. That's what you said to David Baddiel, isn't it?

Oh, come no more backstage, Davey. Yeah, exactly. You think it's based on that? Yeah. I hope so. I think they're... God, they would go up in my estimation if it was based on that. They're really into David Garrick.

Hmm. It's one of the things that got them together. Oh, sorry, I've just had an accidental salmon. An accidental salmon? I thought you'd had an accident then on the radio. I, um... Katie said that she was preparing to do a big soul overhaul. Did she?

Yeah. Does she mean start singing soul or is she having some... Marvin Gaye? Like personal... Unless she's opening a fish restaurant. I think she means she's going to change her life. Or footwear, footwear restaurant. Yeah, maybe.

I mean, shop. Maybe she's just going to the cobblers. Don't get so dramatic, Katie. She's getting a she's result. Maybe she's just going to the cobbler's. Don't get so dramatic, Katie. She's getting her shoes resold. Just say you're going to the cobbler's. No, I'm getting a big sale overall. Like one of those... Don't you know, Babadoo?

You know, very posh people buy one pair of good shoes and then just get them resold forever. Yeah, we do. Yeah. We do. No, I have had no i have speaking on behalf of the posh there well in this room let's be honest for sure i mean not out there no but in here i work with a man who had uh who um he went to get some shoes done and he had the soles put on top of the other soles so the first soles weren't removed.

So he had really, really thick soles. And I said, have you had that done because you're short? And he said, no, I went to the stupid cobbler and just put them on top of the other soles instead of taking the original ones off and got a bit sloppy about it. So for about six months, this went. And then I saw him in another pair of shoes

with the same soles on them. Unbelievable. I was lied to. Oh. Me. I don't like that. No. Do I not like that?

Hi, Frank and the team. Re-vaping. As someone who was responsible for evacuating an entire hotel at 6am because I had the shower on too hot, I can confirm smoke detectors are sensitive to steam. Is that right? That's from Steve, fellow baggy. Oh, no.

I've just worried I've left my scale model of Stevenson's rocket warming up in the Holiday Inn. Oh, what am I going to walk back to? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, older Bobby Do... Yes. Bob-a-do.

And her... What are we calling them again? Catando, Cabloom, anyway. Oh, actually, we had a good portmanteau. It was... Portmanteau named for Katie and Orlando has to be CABLOOM, all caps and exclamation mark are compulsory, obviously.

Oh, yeah, CABLOOM. Yeah. Oh, yeah, kabloom. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I quite like it. It works, doesn't it? I like it. Yeah. Well, we've coined that now, thanks to Simon. I like that.

Did ye see the pictures of them out on a date in Tokyo? They went go-karting. Is this when they're dressed up? Yeah. I mean, go-karting, that's not much. I don't think that's a nice thing to do on a date, is it? But I think Katy Perry's sort of wed to that sort of Disneyland lifestyle. Yes, I know it in your cosplay.

Her whole look is all about very bubblegum. Yeah. I think she'll be doing that when she's in her mid-80s. Oh, brilliant. With a go-karting. And that'll be worth seeing. I'd like it. They were dressed.

Imagine the G-Force. Yeah. Fantastic. She's going to be wearing the rubber in her 80s. Well, I'll tell you what they were wearing. It's going to be a lot of talcum powder. They were wearing Super Mario and Luigi costumes. Exactly.

Well, they came as plumbers, essentially. Not just plumbers, redundant plumbers. Because I believe Super Mario is no longer a plumber. As of last year. He'd been made redundant. Yes, he was made redundant. I didn't know that.

Is this the economic downturn in the Euros? I think I saw the press conference with him in tears. Awful. Don't you think, can I offer a theory, don't you think that people only ever have pet names for their partners so that after they split up, they can still refer to them by that pet name

just to cause unrest in the new relationship? Oh, right, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. So there'll be a point where Katy Perry's saying... So there'll be texts saying, Oh, Bobadoo. Who's I'll be for him to go out with? Taylor Swift.

Yeah, how's Tyler getting on Bobadoo? And Tyler's going to say, Oh, hold on, who's Bobadoo? And suggest there's a link between them. There you're right. That's what it is. There will always be a piece of your heart with me. This isn't a nickname.

That's my name. Yeah. It isn't a nickname, but I remember Jerry Halliwell presenting Robbie Williams with an award, I think it was at the Brits. Yes, at the Brits, I remember that. And she insisted on calling him Robert. Oh, really? Yeah.

Because I know him, this is what I call him. I call him, that's our special name. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because I know him and this is what I call him. I call it, it's our special name. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like his name. I mean, she could have come,

gone to the bother of calling him that. Do you know, I went out with a woman that used to call me sir. Nice. Well, can we just establish

she wasn't a, she wasn't a student. No. Oh, okay. I meant a student no I meant a college I meant she called me sir I'm not talking about college she called me sir in our private life I don't mean professionally

oh is that one of your friends in the SNM community she would say to me what shall we do tonight sir are you sure she wasn't calling you sir? I don't. She was just like being haughty-taughty. I don't know quite how to put this,

but was it free, your transaction with her? Yes. Okay. Oh, it was boxy, as I believe they say. Yes, we went out for a... It just sounded quite respectful and maybe suggested that... No, no, no.

Money might change things. It wasn no. Money might have changed things. It wasn't the customer is always right. It was just a little peccadillo of hers that she called me sir. That's what she said to me, yeah. Yeah, I didn't mind it. We're looking a bit like that four. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I really want to talk about this Al he makes me feel fine Al went cray cray at a wedding he was chosen as a ring bearer did you read about this story? how did they do that? chosen or booked? well who was officiating the pussycat?

I think it's a bit of a strange set-up. I wouldn't be getting an owl to be a ring bearer. Is it a reference to the owl and the pussycat? Because they go and buy a ring in that, don't they? Did they get it from a pig's nose? Oh. I believe so. Come on, back me up.

Yeah, no, I do remember this. They go to an island. Is that what the reference is? Yeah, I believe so. Come on, back me up. Yeah, no, I do remember this. They go to an island. Is that one of the references? Yeah, I believe so. So how do you do it, though? How do you get an owl to fly to the best man with the ring? I'm assuming they're trained. An owl handler, but he didn't do much handling.

No, no, but to go to the best, the best man must be smeared. No, the owl had a pouch. Fish pate on him or something. Yeah, exactly owl had a pouch. Fish pate on him. Yeah, exactly. I bet he's absolutely caked in it. I never signed up for this. Nice moment for the bride. Frank Skinner's accidental.

He has to twirl the bacon. You know they twirl the bacon to bring him in. Has anyone got any of Frank's accidental salmon? Yeah, so he carries the ring in a pouch tied to... I'm going to go leg. I don't know what that thing is.

Oh, tied to the leg of the owl. Yeah. I thought you meant the best man's leg ring. Why not put them on the owl's legs? The rings? I don't know. I don't handle owls,

but he was... It might be tricky to get off. Yeah, that'd be difficult. You could have some secateurs at the altar. Love secateurs. I'm afraid the feet are going to have to come off. Is that all right, man? It's going to cost you another K. How much does it cost to book an owl at a wedding?

What would you guess? I would say if you were going to book an owl for a wedding outside of London Cheshire this was. Cheshire, I bet you could get one. I bet you could get one for £1.50. What? I'm going £4.50. What, in Cheshire?

Yes. Oh, I think the last few times I've booked an owl, it was at least a grand. You're going a grand. I get one every week to deliver the week, the newspaper. I get it delivered by owl once a week. Oh dear. It costs £1,000 plus the cover price of the magazine.

I booked three owls in quick succession but I was refereeing the nocturnal Birds football match for sport relief yeah it was quite a game that was

you couldn't see a hand in front of your face yeah so anyway the owl, so they hired this owl, difficult to say hired this owl. Yeah. Difficult that. Hired this owl. Yeah. And he kicked off.

And it delivered, though. It delivered the rings, I believe, didn't it? It did. And it knew where to go. It was noisy. He was flapping his wings. And then... Well, where else is he going to fly? No, but he didn't need to make such a drama out of it.

Well, there is a bit of nominative determinism in here, because the wedding was at peck foot and castle wow you want to see that peck boom that's marvelous um i always think they'd make fantastic cab drivers oh of course because one thing i hate about cab drivers is when you they look at you in the rear view mirror i never look back at them in the rear view. Don't you? I look at their head and I think, they can see I'm,

I don't want to look in the eyes. No, that means I'm going to die if that happens. Yeah, I don't know. But an owl could just turn their head

right the way around and say, so the match last night, sir? God. Absolutely brilliant. With a little 70s haircut they've got the owl as well.

They cut it right on the neck like a 70s football manager. Yeah, they look like Ted Bovis in ID High. But frightening. I wouldn't want one on my shirt. Well, he launched himself for the best man, we should say. He did. And the best man, he fell over, he knocked over the chairs. I understand it was the second best man.

That's what I read. What? Yeah. Oh. Honestly. Good use of I understand. There's a second best man. Yes, there was.

You're right, there was a second best man. Yeah, I think the entire male congregation were seated. Oh, really? Yeah. Especially the poor chap who was number 88. He must have been having to say for the moment that nice guys come last in life. Yeah, well.

He must be saying that. Excuse me. I've heard that. It's not true. Question. They went for Beak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace was their headline. I think you two can improve.

I'm just saying. No pressure on the boys, but I'm just saying I thought you could. Yes, I think. I'm not saying you have to improve now. We'll have a think about it. Anyone, what should the headline have been for Owl Attack's second best man at Cheshire wedding. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had so much owl info.

Oh, good. We have, yeah. So if I wanted to hire an owl for my Cheshire wedding, what will it cost me? It will cost you, according to some of our readers, 350 notes. Wow. 975. We had an owl at our wedding. It cost 350,

but it only flew one way. It wouldn't fly back to the handler. I should have asked for a discount. That's Vicky from Bradford. Of course, they only do nights. So you're playing double time. That's what it is. £350 to hire an owl for a wedding.

Delivers the ring and everything. Brilliant. I'm assuming they don't use eagles or vultures as it may turn into a bloodbath. A game of thrones. However, when you say... What about if it caught the bouquet and flew off of it? When you say it delivers the ring and everything,

well, that's sort of the sole purpose. I mean, that's its one task. Perhaps it brings the knife for the cake cutting. Oh, that'd be good. I wouldn't trust the owl. No jeopardy there. The owl flying above people's heads with a knife. That'd be alright, wouldn't it? 743 has texted

a rather elegant joke. What's the Twitter handle to get involved in the owl chat tweet to who tweet to who praise redacted 743 092 this was our owl headlines hooligan attacks at wedding party

hooligan yeah okay owls about that then. Someone has texted. Yeah, I... Seems obvious to me. I'm anxious. I feel anxious.

I don't know why I feel anxious about that one. As it happens. Yeah, does that... Well, I don't know. Where do we go? Should we just stop the show there? Yeah. Yes.

Is there any crackers? Oh, you've had the crackers. Hang on, is this more Breaking Pope news? Is there any crackers? What? No. What? I don't get that.

Yes. What I felt sorry for the second best man is that he was attacked by the owl. He knocked him off his chair. Yes. He hit felt sorry for the second best man is he was attacked by the owl. He knocked him off his chair. Yes. He hit him with such velocity. And everybody really laughed. Yeah.

And I thought, wouldn't it have been a brilliant April Fool joke if they'd staged that? And then the second best man, while he was on the floor, put a pig's eye into the owl's talon and then it flew back up the aisle with a dangling eyeball and they'd think he'd ripped it out the second best Mac. That would have been great. That would have been such a cracker. One of your April Fool jokes. Oh, man.

Like when you told your mother-in-law the toilet was broken. That was one of my best, I must admit. Yeah, that was one of your best. Yeah, I think they did say in the... When they reported this in the papers, though, they described the owl. They made it sound very sinister. They said he flew over and then glowered at the congregation.

They are sinister, though, owls, aren't they? Do they glower? I don't know if they glower. I think they do. I think they do glower. Well, you know, don't book you know. I've seen them glow. Don't book an hour. I've seen them glow.

They've got big, scary eyes. I held one recently, if you remember. I held an owl and an eagle in the same afternoon. Oh, a bit loose with your affections. You get around, don't you? Yeah. I've never been sacked from the scouts. A bird in the hand.

Yeah. I think I told you the eagle weighed a ton. That was a big, fat eagle on my wrist. Yeah. Heavy. Is it a big bird, though? Oh, yeah, but the owl was all right. They can be quite big, don't they?

I thought the eagle could have helped me out a bit with a bit of, like, a sort of semi-flight. Just hover. Oh, I like the idea of that being his review that they used. The owl was all right. Frank Skinner. No, it was... I'm not sure about the whole concept.

I understand from one of the messages that the OC bought... Yes. Did he buy Richie an owl? Apparently so, yeah. For his wedding. He booked one. Ask Christian O'Connell if he booked one for Richie Firth. I believe the owl was called Magic.

OK. Isn't that the name of that Anthony Hopkins film when he plays that? It is. It really is. Did he ask him beforehand, or did he just go to the wedding and the owl was there? Or did the OC just turn up with the owl? I mean, you wouldn't want to spring an owl on somebody, would you?

In case they're owl-phobic. Well, I mean, I just... I think there are still a few people about that take the whole matrimony thing quite seriously. You know? Do you know what I mean? They don't have an owl bringing their ring and they don't get married, let's say, on a beach.

Right. They do it properly. And in a case like that, somebody gets you an owl to deliver the ring, I'd say, well, I'm sorry, I don't want it. The owl would just be sitting in the car outside. With his head turning round. A tragic figure, yeah, keeping an eye on things.

You could put an owl on the top. You could put it on the top of your car with the blue balaclava on it. It was a police car. That's a good point. Spin its head. Yeah, perfect. Yeah, and maybe you could have a little screen inside

picking up what the owl's seeing. Oh, yeah. Is that doable if you wind up his neuron? I'd watch that as 24-hour TV, what the owl sees. Yeah. Owls live. Well, it'd be like one of those country file things. Yeah.

The late night version. Late night? What are you suggesting? Oh, of course. Hollyoaks nights? That's the other thing with weddings. I mean, they're basically getting these owls up in the middle of the night for them to work. Do you think those owls that do weddings, when they're talking to other owls, in the middle of the night for them to work. Do you think those owls that do weddings when they're talking to other owls are like,

oh, I'm on days this weekend. I've got a corporate next week. Yeah, exactly. Oh, dear. We have to end it there. Beautiful. And so thank you so much for listening. Happy Easter. And if the good Lord spares us. Yes. And so, thank you so much for listening. Happy Easter

and if the good Lord spares us, yes, sorry, there's a man collecting dead bodies on a hand cart. It's gone past.

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast

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