The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Prescription Trumpet

Episode Date: August 11, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team are joined by Steve Hall on this occasion. This week Frank went to Specsavers for a hearing test... who knew? Frank, Emily and Steve also discuss West Brom's new mascot and Chewbacca's living room.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is, of course, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and, and, and... Now hold on a minute, hold on. Because they're thinking now it's going to be David Tennant or something like that. You know, Christian O'Connell used to have... Remember Christian O'Connell? He used to have David Tennant on. We got Steve Hall.

Yeah. Lovely of you, Steve Hall. I was going to say then, I'd rather have Steve Hall, which I love Steve Hall, but would I rather have him than David Tennant? No. Well, that's an intro. Talk about make someone feel welcome.

That's nothing to do with Steve Hall. That's to do with... Your obsession. 55 years of TV watching. Anyway, look, you can text our show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show.

What about that? For an idea. Via the Absolute Radio website. Hi, Steve. Hello. Nice to be back. Steve. It's been a while.

It is. When was your last on? It's pretty much every summer. I do every August when Gareth and Alan do Edinburgh. I return another year balder. Good on you.

You don't look that much balder. No. I mean, I was pretty bald to begin with. Yeah, exactly. While we're on the personal comment. I think you look less bald in headphones. I mean, I was pretty bald to begin with. Yeah, exactly. While we're on the personal comment. I think you look less bald in headphones.

I'm going to permanently wear headphones. It's got a nice comb over her. If I was you, I'd get some beets, some dry beets. Surgically attached. Why don't I just wear them all the time? You look great, by the way. While we're on the aesthetic front, Frank Skinner. I mean, the glasses,

they look great, Frank. Absolutely sensational. Sensational. Frank's got his glasses on this morning. It's a really good look for you. Can I tell you about these glasses? Go on. I did Zoe Ball's TV show.

You aware of that? Yeah. And Steve, are you aware of that? I didn't know she had this TV show. So I was always happy that she's still doing telly. She's great.

Still alive, I thought you were going to say. I know. She's got actually a very lively, funny, interesting show.

Check it out, Steve. I will. You can't just live on American dramas. Come on, I see people

there, they don't want fun. Anyway, Zoe's show includes a book club. Brilliant. A la Ricardo and Judy. Ricardo?

Yeah. Do you think that's her private name for him? I think so. I hope so. I think if he'd been a solo act from the beginning, he would have called himself Riccardo Maidley. A bit like... You know the theory is that Anton de Becque is called Tony Beak.

I think Richard Maidley wouldn't have been able to have resisted Riccardo. He looks like a Riccardo. He does, yeah. He never ages. And didn't he once steal a bottle of Riccardo? Oh, my God. That was not proven. Wasn't it? Wasn't it? I don't know. I think he said it was a bottle of Ricard? Oh, my God. That was not proven. Wasn't it?

Wasn't it? I don't know. I think he said it was a slip of his mind. Yeah, that could happen to anybody. Anyway, so go on. So you've gone to Zoe Balls. Yeah, so one of the things I had to do was read a 340-page Scandi Noir novel. How was it?

When I say Noir, I don't mean there was loads of scantily clad dolly birds in it. Noir. It sounded like a sound from the 70s. But noir as in black. Yeah, as in moody, atmospheric. It's French for black, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Noir. Even that still sounds like a bloke looking at a 1970s... That sounded like a French bloke saying Noah. Yeah. Noah has a hack. Yeah, if Noah had been... Noah must have floated over France.

There were people holding on to driftwood going, Noah! Noah must have floated over France. And other things no one else has ever said on breakfast radio. And anyway, so if you do the book club, which is sponsored by Specsavers, then part of your treat for taking the trouble to read a book and make notes on it

and talk about it on air is that you get a free pair of glasses. That is pretty cool. So you don't have to go to Specsavers. Specsavers go to you. You still have to go to a local branch of Specsavers. I don't want Specsavers in my home. No disrespect to them.

Imagine two men turning up, like the trial, knocking on your door for Specsavers. Exactly, with boxes of frames. Malign authority figures from Specsavers at the door. You don't want that. I was going to be sitting in my own room saying the number one, the clearest. EFJ.

The green. KL. Yeah, I don't want that. So no, I had to go to Specsavers. Brilliant. And then they sent them. Well, no, I'll tell you what happened after this.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I went into Specsavers and they said, right, so I had my eyes tested. Actually, I had my ears tested, first of all.

Did someone say, you need your eyes tested? No, but someone said, do you want a hearing test? Oh. And I went outside and had another look at the sign, and I thought, I should have gone to Specsavers. I walked into a hearing place and said, accidentally. But no, it turns out they do hearing tests at Specsavers. Who knew?

That's great. Yeah. So, yeah, so they said, would you like to do that? And I said I should have gone to, and they said, what? I'm just saying, there's got to be something in that, of that nature. But anyway, so I had the hearing test. It was borderline, I'll be straight with you. Was it? But you know, I'm 61.

And they, apparently they were telling me you can't get a prescription trumpet anymore. You know the old ear trumpet? That's what I've always thought I'd go for, not the aid, but the trumpet. Do you know what? That's what I've always thought I'd go for, not the aid, but the trumpet. Do you know what? That's what I was really looking forward to in my old age,

was being one of those slight Oscar Wilde matriarchs with an ear trumpet. I think you will be an Oscar Wilde matriarch. Yes. But I don't know if you'll actually have the ear trumpet. You'll probably have some sort of cyber ear trumpet. You just touch something on your phone and you can hear people talking in Uganda.

Actually, you can do that on your phone now if you're found in Uganda. Yeah. Try that. I think you'd look great with an ear trumpet. Just you at the front of a My Bloody Valentine gig. Yeah, exactly. Well, you could take the trumpets down

for the bit that's the unbearably loud bit. Yeah, and when I was feeling very sort of you know introverted and i'd just turn it round yeah um yeah yeah but you can't anyway you can't get uh okay you can't get any well the point is the glasses oh yeah so the glasses so i i got my eyes tested and then uh and then they said um right just pick a frame frame that you like. Yeah. Which is great. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid,

I used to have dreams like this about Riley's Toy Shop by the Queen's Head. Oh, yeah. I know you didn't have dreams about Riley's Toy Shop, but I used to dream that I went into Riley's toy shop at night on my own and just picked up whatever I wanted out of there. And it's a dream. And I haven't had that dream anymore since I got famous because I don't need it.

So I just said, well, I'll have these. I tried these on. I said, I really like these. And I thought they looked good. So they said, well, I'll have these. I tried these on. I said, I really like these. And I thought they looked good. Yeah. So they said, okay, brilliant. So they started doing all the, you know, they adjust them for your nose and all that sort of thing.

And I've got quite a deep, my head is quite deep. The distance between my eyes and my ears is about 18 inches. Really? I love that you know that figure. Yeah, well, you know, if I say to someone I've got a big head and they're looking at me straight on and they say it's not too bad. And then if they go and look around the side, they'll see that.

What if they're not talking about the measurements? It's shaped like a furniture van. Might not be the measurements. Anyway, so You haven't got a big head. So I chose the frames and I got a measure from them. I really thought they looked cool. And then the woman says,

I said, just incidentally, if I'd bought these, how much would they have cost? She said, 39 quid. So I did a couple of jokes about, you know, that's the thing, I've got cheap taste, you know. And they went, oh, yeah, you have, you know, because, you know, we got some a lot more than that, but it's interesting.

And I thought, well, they do, and I said, the thing is, they look great, you know. That's not what you said about yourself. You don't mind me saying, yeah. I said, they look great. I really like them. Does it matter that they're, you know, the cheapest pair in the shop?

It doesn't matter. I just like them. What did they say? And they said, yeah, great. I really like them. Does it matter that they're, you know, the cheapest pair in the shop? It doesn't matter. I just like them. What did they say? And they said, yeah, great. So I think they thought, what a lovely bloke. And I thought, you know, I'm quite proud of myself. So as I was leaving, having been measured up, I saw these 149 quid gants. I said, I'll tell you what, you know, I'm going to have these. So they had to say, well, listen, we've measured up. I said, yeah, but I want these. I've made my mind up.

Because it'll nag at me if I just have the 39 quid ones. And the facade just collapsed. Oh, fantastic. Yeah. So these are Gantz, 149 quid. He went from man of the people to Donald Trump. I'll be honest with you, they're not quite as nice as the £39 ones, but they make me feel happier.

You look a bit, at the moment, like you have just been unveiled as the new Doctor Who. It's like I can see what you're wearing. He's saying I was out to flatter me, Steve Hall. This would be your photo shoot. I'd unveil it. Love it, mate. Okay, well, can I quickly add...

Big sexist. Something. Complete dismissal of the new Doctor Who. No, but whilst you're talking about Doctor Who, both of you, Claire has been in touch, Frank. Okay, we're running out of time. The producer's going mad. I'm going to leave it on a Doctor Who cliffhanger.

I've had a text in, and I will just say hashtag Perkins. Features in it, okay? Okay. If it's from Claire, I think I know who it is. I think I know who we're talking about. Well, let's, you know. Okay.

That sounds more ominous than it should. I don't want to leave my girlfriend on that one. It's nothing... Claire isn't his girlfriend, by the way. No, she was in the audience. I know that doesn't exclude anything, but it's been a while. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I left the readers on tenterhooks because I trailed with hashtag Perkins. Yeah. Who was, are you familiar with who that is? Indeed. Oh, I know Perkins.

Okay, that was Frank's character. The nation knows Perkins. And this is from Claire, who's got in touch with us via Twitter. Massive thanks to Frank for humouring my mum on Thursday night at the Soho Theatre. So that's not from Claire, that's from... And signing my photo. And the picture is of

a very handsome little boy and he's got a Doctor Who t-shirt on, which even I recognise as the Matt Smith... Yes. What do you call it? I was going to say incarnation, but the Matt Smith... Iteration. Okay, fine. Oh, wow. He's got a red bow tie, that's Matt Smith... Iteration. OK, fine. Oh, wow.

He's got a red bow tie. That's Matt Smith, isn't it? Yes, that's right. So there you go. OK, that would be Teddy, because he sent me a note as well, passed on by. So Claire, his mum, was at the gig. A gig I did a couple of nights ago.

In the audience, not at the stage door. No. And I don't think I really have a stage door anymore. Is there one at Samoa Theatre? Well, I wouldn't know. Let's not confirm either way. I think there's a sort of fire door I go out through. Do you remember Fire Door?

He wrote some fabulous novels in Russia. The Fire Door Dostoevsky. Wouldn't it be brilliant if... Absolute radio, everyone. Russian literature matters. Wouldn't it be great if we found out that he was actually a health and safety bloke, and that's why

he was called Fyodor Dostoevsky. Fyodor? Can you help with this gig? No writing. I wonder what his real name was. But that's what they always called him. Fire Dog can you help with this gig no writing he's always writing I wonder what his real name was but that's what they always called him yeah

I always picture him in high V's Dostoevsky if it jobs were Fire Dog Dostoevsky very job no you can't go down there mate

you see that's the beautiful thing about radio it's that all our listeners now there's over 80 they were all at the birth of that of that joke

it just happened there and they heard it they heard it form you know what I mean it's not like they were at the conception and the birth I didn't

do it in a room and then come and tell them about it. They were there. They felt it happen. Well, it's that lovely thing. As someone who obviously does this show very occasionally and listens to it, the joy in your voice when you stumble upon something like that.

Oh, well, it's a really good thing. You can't just sit here saying how great we are. No, I'm not talking about how great. I'm talking about the joy. I think it was Johnny Mathis who said, When a joke is born. It was beautiful. So, yes, Claire came and she passed me a note from Teddy

and I signed a photograph. Slightly inconvenient, it was in the middle of a gig. So I gave the microphone to a member of the audience and he told some dull anecdote while I signed. OK. And then I took that anecdote and I gave it life, a bit like Frankenstein with the corpse bits. It's always nice getting a positive heckle.

That's the way to throw a comment. If they interrupt for something absolutely lovely, you can't really slam them yeah well about last night shouted if we pay another fiver will you do another hour um nice um actually this it was so our theater might have been someone in a joining room i was gonna say someone else I think that might have been requested of me in the past in the past life I'm actually I'm going tonight I should probably

we should go to a break I don't know if you know but new listeners yes both of you there's there's a fez a small fez

that the producer puts on my desk and it means shut up have you still got that fez here it is yeah yeah ok because I bought you one from Fares are small fares that the producer puts on my desk, and it means shut up. Have you still got that fares? Here it is. OK, because I bought you one from... Well, Jonathan Ross got you one from Morocco.

Why did you do that? They turned their noses up at that. Did they? I'm not involved in the fares department. OK, I'll pass on your comments. But this fares, this little fares, has lost its tassel. I love that nursery story. This little fares has lost its tassel. I love that nursery story. This little fez has lost its tassel.

Yeah, exactly. It sounds like a very bizarre commentary on naked attraction. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This evening I've got a gig, so a theatre.

I'm not... It's sold out. I'll be straight with you. So I'm not plugging it. Stuff always is, dear. But it's five quid a ticket. I'm not basking in my own popularity. I'm begging them to come, basically. That's why you give out autographs in the show.

Exactly. I'll do anything. I was photographed with Red Rom two nights ago I'm going to you know Somerset House? I do It's in London which is a large conurbation in the south east of England

and tonight Traditionally Frank, can I say where the birth certificates were, which is why I always a large conurbation in the south-east of England. And tonight... Traditionally, Frank, can I say where the birth certificates were, which is why I always gave it something of a wide berth. Aye. But, um... I wonder if I'll pick up the one for the Fyodor Dostoevsky joke. I'd better get it registered.

So, um... Anyway, so they have a... You know, they have you know they have Steve will know about this he's a film buff they have that summer screen thing when you go and sit

and watch things outdoors you ever been there? yeah I know exactly what it is what did I go and see? I saw a matter of life and death there once

lovely fantastic David Niven in case you don't know it bloke dies early on. Spoiler alert. It's not really a spoiler.

I think that's the first five minutes. The main character dies. The rest, well, I'll leave it to you. Late review. Very fine. That was a late review, yeah. Very late review for him. So what's the one you're seeing tonight?

Oh, well, I'm not going to the summer screen thing. That's going on now. Maybe we should do one as a works outing. I'd love that. It's lovely, sitting in the outdoors watching a film. I once saw... I went to the Arboretum in Melbourne, Australia, and there was bats flying around the screen.

Unfortunately, we were watching not Batman. I was going to say, did you get a Commissioner Gordon appearance? Because I love one of those. Do you love Commissioner Gordon? Yeah, one of my favourites. Shimmerwood. He's been through some manifestations.

I still like the 60s TV one. Batman! You really are... They don't talk like that anymore. It's the only Commissioner I like. I think it's Big Mo commissioner I like it's um I think it's Big Mo's brother does it now

so anyway so um Jodie Whittaker or Whittaker as I like to call her is um is uh she's doing a thing

called behind the screen when she talks about films that have influenced her I'm guessing what do you think Taste of Honey oh Taste of Honey

written all over her. Yeah. Peter O'Toole was her first, that was her breakthrough, was Venus, was it, with Peter O'Toole? Is that right? So maybe there'll be a Peter O'Toole film. Oh, Wicked Stevia strikes again.

And there's a bloke. That's a name I haven't heard in a long time. There's a woman called Stella Fox, I think she's called, and she is the set decorator on Force Awakens. Okay. Now, I never really think of there being a set decorator. You sort of think of that in Mrs. Brown.

It's Force Awakens Star Wars. Yes. Okay. You said that in a very contemptuous way. There are some people listening. Yes, okay, you're quite right. ..you know, who might have nice hair and things. But you don't really think of it as being decoration.

It's all... Yeah. You don't get Chewbacca's living room. You know? Well, I wish you did. I wish you did. You're around Camden Market looking for props. All the sofa covering hairs, like when people have got a dog.

I would like... There's a few furballs placed liberally around. Yeah, and on the wall, you know when they have the three ducks, three millennium falcons? Just a permanently clogged shower. I would love, get the look, Chewbacca's living room.

And just one hook for the belt worn across the middle area. Oh, yeah, of course, for the bandolera. Yeah, the bandolera, he just hangs that up. That could be on the back of the door. Yeah. With a plastic carrier bag, we never know what's in that. So, yeah, so...

They're doing blue velvet, by the way. It's one of the summer screens. It's a bit snotty, isn't it? It's a bit snotty, but I can live with that. But it's a good old... There's no way can talk about Kath? Oh, I love blue velvet but it does collect the bits.

Like Chewbacca's living room. It's a lint magnet. I mean, I don't think there's any getting around that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had some outside world. We've had some contact from the outside world.

What, Le Monde al Fresco? Is that a phrase? I think they're two different languages, aren't they? Le Monde al Fresco. I quite like it, that. LMF. I don't think it's the same. LMF stands for something else, doesn't it?

Well, it might be something bad. I don't think it's something bad. Okay, okay. I don't know. Okay. Steve? It's nice being back. If I get gimp alerts now on it, I'll be anxious.

Carry on. Gimp alerts, you can get that on your iPhone. I've got that on my iPhone. It's good to know. Come on! Come on! Carl from Stourbridge has emailed. I used to live in Stourbridge.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Anvil coat. He's offered up a whatever happened to. Okay. He's offered up two whatever happened to. One is whatever happened to dogs waiting outside the butcher for bones or scraps. I know, I had a dog used to do that.

Oh, really? The butcher said to me, you want to feed your dog? He said he's outside. He's outside the shop every day barking. He actually barks. I'm going to throw him a bone out there. Dogs know. Do dogs still have bones?

Well, I gave my dog... We've got our canine correspondent, Steve. Relax. Oh, you had to get the canine mention in because he loves Doctor Who. I gave my dog some marrow the other day. Is this going to be a folk song? I gave my dog some marrow without the bone.

We were on our way back from Scarborough Fair. Oh, yeah. And I've never seen, I mean, he fell upon it like I've never seen. He was obsessed. So they do love, you've got to be careful sometimes with the bones. I think the health and safety it like I've never seen. He was obsessed. So they do love... You've got to be careful sometimes with the bones. I think the health and safety now worry about the splinters. Old fire doors.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. But when I used to do a chat show, we had this vegetarian dog food on.

Oh. And the people said that dogs, this idea that they've got, because of their teeth and that they must be carnivores, they're actually much healthier on a vegetarian diet, et cetera, et cetera. And they actually love eating vegetables. It's a myth that they want meat.

And I said, I don't think my dog ever barked outside the greengrocers. Let's put it that way. Panting for kale. Yeah, all desperate. I don't think there was kale in the country in those days. I've never heard of it. John Kale, I think, was in Velvet Underground,

but even he worked mainly in the United States. So we agree. Do we think that's whatever happened to... I don't know if I'll allow that in, to be honest. Whatever happened to... The bones. I don't think they bark outside butchers anymore I mean

there aren't that many butchers yeah yeah I guess that's the answer yeah the butcher the butcher people don't have stray dogs anymore

do they I don't see stray dogs I mean I didn't I didn't know anyone I knew when I was a kid I knew 50 people

who owned a dog and nobody who owned a lead they just put them out. They put them out and they went off. And, you know, your dog would sometimes go missing for 48 hours. Yeah. And come back looking like a different animal.

I love the way Frank goes down the misty watercolour memories route about these times. Yeah. So, I think that's probably it. I'm going to give it the treatment. Whatever happens to... Yeah, dogs barking outside bushes.

I'm going to give you that. The other Whatever Happened to Your Car, I think we might have to move on. You guys are flying in the face of Fez culture. When the Fez comes out, that means shut up. I mean, I'm just sad that we have to tell anyone about the fez. The reason it exists is so that someone doesn't shout, shut up, Frank. Well, Sarah needs to wear the tassel more.

We need to see the fez. The tassel's gone. I didn't see the fez dispenser. Well, that's the problem. There's no tassel. Can I say, I don't think we should have let Steve's fez dispenser go. I'm sorry, Steve. Bless your heart. That was one of those moments. Can I say, I don't think we should have let Steve's Fez dispenser go. I'm sorry, Steve.

Bless your heart. That was one of those moments, one of those jokes, and I was talking about this on stage, is that you do a joke and you think, did they? Did anyone actually, did they not like it or did they just not quite? And I always think of person typing in office in a 1970s film when a body falls past the office window. And they look round and go...

It happens in Superman, the original Superman. And I just think, did it? Yeah, it was one of those. But I heard it today. Bless your heart. Not only did I hear it, but I brought it to the attention of the British public. That's really genuinely appreciated. All 80 of them.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. 80 of them. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Hello. He's with us this morning. I'm going to try and... Steve Hall is here.

Steve Hall. Steve Hall. Bring out Steve Hall. Sound of, bring out Steve Hall. Sound of a rag and bone man. No, it's the town crier. Oh, I thought it was the undertaker. It's making you headline news. The town crier, that was my nickname at school.

Was it? Because I was quite depressed. Oh, excellent work. So you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yeah. I've had some tweets in.

Okay. I'm in charge of the Twitter account here. Thank you. We have James Mara has been in touch. Yeah. Is that spelled the same as Rooney Mara? Oh. M-A-R-A.

Yes. Yeah, yeah.A-R-A? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if it's... Yeah, and she's descended from the owners of the New York Giants and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Is that right? So Mara is one of the great... Wicker Stevia. Oh, no.

Yeah, Wicker Stevia. I forgot about that. Can we work on a Wicker Stevia jingle of some sort? I don't know what it would be, but just for one of your little nuggets I'd quite like that well because I'm

on the show very very occasionally I'd have to be someone saying Wikistevia and the readers going who

no come on Steve don't be hard on yourself we'd do that I want to do it but if everything makes me want to

do it as a calypso I think that could be career threatening what about if I try and do a calypso without doing the accent,

that would be all right, wouldn't it? Sounds a bit colonial, that sound. Here we go. Wiki, stevia, wiki, stevia, Steve knows stuff. I think that would be all right. I think you stayed the right side of the line there. Yeah, I sort of, you know, some of that police stuff. Coming back from, you think I won't steady sting.

You're on the cusp, mate. I mean, he was, what's it you always say, Frank? The Indiana Jones with the hat? Just getting in and out. Frank always makes a great, I won't say what it was in regards to. Just getting under the metal door. Yeah, he talks about that with regards to a lot of things. Just sliding under the metal door before it's slam-shot.

Yeah. So listen, James Mara. Frank on the radio, I've just had a eureka moment. Emily said on Tenderhooks, and I must admit, I thought it was Tenderhooks. I've just Googled and realised for years I had it wrong. Well, we always call it Tenderhooks. I've just Googled and realised for years I had it wrong. Well, we always call it tenderhooks in the SNM. No, tenthog. But, you know, when you said that, I knew it was tentahooks,

but when you said it, I thought, what are tentahooks? Yeah, yeah. I believe I know. Do you? It's those things you put in the ground to keep the tent up. I think it's connected with, I think it's an old, like, it's when you dry, like, a clothing line. I believe that's what it is.

What are you talking about? I may be wrong. I think it is associated with some sort of drying mechanism. But if Wicker Stevia doesn't know, I'm doubting myself. It's one of those... Like Hill's Hoist. Yeah. I'm doubting myself.

Come on, you had a mangle. It's one of those phrases I've never known. I've learnt something today because I've never said it in my life because I've never known if it's tenterhooks or tenderhooks. There are certain phrases I'm not 100% sure of, so I avoid saying them. And that's one.

So if it's tenterhooks, I'm going to be dropping that in all the time now. I've given you what I call your little confidence back. Yeah. OK. We've had another one. Mr Peter Vernon, who's been a previous star of the show. Do you remember, Frank?

We did a text-in called How Old Is Peter Vernon? Oh, yes, when we had to guess his age. Not easy on the radio. So we had neither his voice nor his appearance, just a text. Yeah, and he's a real person. Well, I liked him as well because he wasn't, yeah, he responded in a classy way. I just briefly worried it sounded like an anagram of pervert. Of pigs or it didn't happen.

No, I think he's a real person, but you've worried me with your anagram thing, which we tried to move away from. So Peter Vernon. That was one I was happy to just fall past the window while I was typing. Peter Vernon says, Hi, Gam,

whatever happened to act your age, not your shoe size? Do you remember that? Yeah. Have we not talked about that before? I don't think so. Oh, okay.

I think that's the first mention for the age, not shoe size. Yeah. Because it's all got very complicated now. Because when I was a kid, there's one shoe size. If you pick one now,

there's a chart. Yeah. It's an international chart if you were to say that in the US presumably where they're all like size 40

they would just they wouldn't understand well exactly yeah like European 43 I am I think is that what it is yeah

so I mean at my age perfectly in Kiss by Tom Jones he sings there doesn't he at your age and at your shoes

at your age mama in Kiss by Tom Jones, he sings that, doesn't he? At your age, not your shoes. At your age, mama. In Kiss by Tom Jones. Of course they do. At your age, mama, not your shoes. So the international audience would have been baffled. I never knew he said that. Yeah. I know he says, think about a dance now.

And then 30 seconds later, you're thinking, well, go on then. I always used to say that looked like they'd sedated, they did a bear in the forest with a sedative dart, put it out, and then put a suit on it, and when it woke up it was trying to get out of the suit. That's what that dancing looked like. I wonder if he says that to get out of awkward situations. This is a good thing if something's been met with science.

Think about a dance now. Yeah. I don't know what... Good text, what does Tom Jones say to get out of awkward situations? Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

It's nice to be back. I feel like it's like seeing old friends. Mm. Don't say that. How dare you? Emily, I'll snatch your head off. Yeah. It's seeing young, hip friends.

Thank you. It's better. Now you've mentioned the hips. I listen to the podcast when I... The hips don't lie. You listen to the podcast? Yeah, when I take the kids down to the nursery. Oh, yeah.

Because I have very little contact. Must be a very long journey. It's about half an hour walk. So you listen to some of the podcast? And then I listen to the rest on the way back. Okay. Well, I... Thanks.

Because I heard you say that Buzz says sharing is caring. That's right. And that's the thing that my daughter, my four-year-old, says sharing is caring. Yeah, I mean, it's not his... He didn't coin me. It's what they're told at school. I think it's from... Does he watch Daniel the Tiger?

Does he, because, like... I think that's where Polly's got it from. It's a thing at his school that they hammer home. Sharing is caring. It's lovely, that. It's a bit of socialism. It's nice. Yeah?

Well, I basically have very little life now. And so I live in chaos. As you said, you've got kids. Yeah, a four-year-old and a two-year-old. And so we live in such chaos. We've taken on the services of a cleaner. First time we've ever had a cleaner. It's a strange thing.

Speaking of socialism, how did you feel about it? Oh, I feel absolutely horrible. I used to help when I first got a cleaner. I felt so guilty about it. I used to start tidying alongside her. Well, do you do, I like to do the pre-tidy. Yes, absolutely the pre-tidy. Because you can't see what the reality is.

This woman said to me, it's better if you don't help. So I stopped. I had a very spooky moment with our cleaner. There's a lovely woman called Joyce. Here we go. Here we go. Can you get the head of the channel?

I promise this goes nowhere. The fact that I have to have that. I'm thinking Marlon Brando for some reason. Did Marlon Brando go out with his... I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger might have had some sort of relations. And indeed a child was born. I think there's something to do with Brando and his cleaner. Possibly.

Could you look into that, please? One of the show boffins. Someone will. If people... If you Google Brando and his cleaner. No, but you know, our audience know everything, basically. So someone will know about Brando and the cleaner. So I managed to... Brando and the cleaner, I know,, basically. So someone will know about Brando and the cleaner. So I managed to...

Brando and the cleaner, I know, I know, it's serious. I basically terrified Joyce, our cleaner. I was showing her a picture of Polly. They'd just done a little graduation thing for nursery. I didn't know you called it that. Oh, God. Sorry, carry on. Absolutely.

No, go on, carry on. So I showed she'd wanted to see Polly was wearing this nursery graduation gown. Hank, open your crisps and your microphone. Oh, God. Sorry, carry on. Absolutely. No, go on, carry on. So she wanted to see Polly was wearing this nursery graduation gown. Hank, open your crisps and your microphone. Oh, sorry. A nursery graduation gown. It's just a fun dress-up thing for... What? For the kids going on to primary school.

It's a rolled-up scroll. They gave her a rolled-up scroll and a purple mortarboard and a purple gown. Wow, this is hothouse, isn't it? It has an ermine trim on it. Not quite that flash, but it wasn't far away. And they loved it, and it's one of those. Congratulations. So I was showing Joyce the cleaner, and so I showed her my laptop.

Who presented the scroll? I had Derry Kessler, I think he was called, the head of the was called. Head of the Gasport. Head of the Gasport. Richard Attenborough, thank you. Brilliant. And who did the nursing? They did, no, I was hoping it might have been Steve Terry, the former Watford central defender.

Jimbo of Jimbury fame. Could have had Miles Jupp from Balamore. Oh, yeah. Emma from The Wiggles, that would have been. Anyway, can we just, Steve was showing Joyce's laptop. So I showed Joyce my laptop, and she looked like something had crossed her grave. She looked terrified, and I briefly panicked,

thinking, oh, my God, what have I left open? I thought I've deleted, so there can't be anything. And it wasn't... Thankfully, it wasn't that. I checked my laptop. It wasn't that. It wasn't any of what you might think if you know me. Oh, no.

No, no. Oh, no. I always manage to re-establish the creepy vibe within, I've done that within less than an hour and a half of being back. Yeah. But what it was, it was an email. Oh, Steve. Advertising.

I'd bought tickets to see Paul Weller, who's doing some gigs on the South Bank with an orchestra. That's worse than I thought. Weller with an orchestra, I fancy a bit of that Is she a rocker? She saw a picture of Paul Weller Is it the old mods and rockers? She looked really confused and she said why is there a picture of him on your

and I said well I bought tickets and she said I cleaned for him Oh! Shut up! Oh no! I thought of all the coincidence so I said can you tell him I'm a fan and she did said, I clean for him. Oh! Shut up! Oh, no! Shut up! I thought, of all the coincidence, that's... So I said, can you tell him I'm a fan? And she did. Oh, really? So she passed...

So you're communicating with Paul Weller via your mutual cleaner? Yeah, and she said he's an absolutely lovely bloke. But she then came back next week and said, she said, oh, I said to Paul, and I said to Paul that you're a fan, and he said, oh, thanks. Well, I mean, what else could he say? Yeah, but Frank, you had Daniel Craig's cleaner.

You have now got Paul Weller's cleaner. And I've got you two's gardener. Not just Daniel Craig, though. I think she did Walliams. Did she? And also, I think she did... Did she do HBC? She did Eleanor Bonham Carter and Tim Burton.

I wish I imagined lots of cobwebs in those houses. Well, she said to me, I don't think you dare move the cobwebs from Burton's place, but she said to me once, can I leave a bit earlier tonight because I'm going to a film premiere? This is a cleaner. Was it Summit Fish?

They do a thing called Summit Fish, Tim Burton. Yes. Big Fish. Big Fish. Yeah, well, it was that. So she went to the premiere of that, so she had to go and get changed. This is a cleaner.

I mean, for goodness sake. It's a different world, isn't it? I wasn't invited, can I point that out? So, yeah, that's nice to share. It also slightly worried me that we're probably paying more

than we should for a cleaner if we can afford the same cleaner as Will or perhaps Will is not so keen on handing out

the cash perhaps he pays low I don't know I met him once very briefly he seemed he's friendly lovely

lovely handsome man as well yeah is he a handsome man aside from he is in my book dear okay okay Friendly. Lovely. Lovely handsome man as well. Yeah. Is he a handsome man? It's hard for... He is in my book, dear. Okay. Okay.

When's your book coming out? I'm looking forward to that chapter. All in the time, dear. Do you do like a... Do you know when footballers do My Best Eleven players? Do you do one of that of hot... Hot blood.

But words. Yeah. Oh, that would be good. I shouldn't have a word. Yeah. Oh, that would be good. I hope Sue Pollard brings one out. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

So, I was on the train with Frank Skinner this week, Steve. I'm making it sound a bit suspicious. It wasn't. No, it wasn't. It wasn't like briefing cam.

No. Oh, look at me, Ben. It wasn't, It wasn't like Brief Encounter. Oh, look at me Ben, Bruce. It wasn't, here in love with her, weren't you? It wasn't that sort of vibe. It was more, we were chums on the way back from Edinburgh. Ah, lovely.

But we talked till Newcastle. We did. Love that. We sat airline style because we talked till Newcastle, then Frank had work to do, and he's very self-disciplined, which is something I try and learn from. But another family came on, didn't they, Frank?

They did. Characters, they were. And so we sat airline style. And then I suddenly heard him burst into chaos of laughter. That's not the way of saying it. Well, there are, but that's the way I'm choosing to say it. And his laughter's infectious, so I started laughing too, but I didn't know what I was laughing at.

And finally he shared it with me. And Frank, would you care to tell us what it was? Well, because I was in Edinburgh, I missed West Brom's first home game of the season. New readers, I should say, that I support a football team called West Brom's first home game of the season. New readers, I should say, that I support a football team called West Bromwich Albion. I like you asked to offer it as an apology. I don't think it's an apology.

It's just an explanation. Not everybody likes football, especially West Bromwich Albion fans often. But anyway, they unveiled at their first game their new mascot. Yeah. Now, I should give a bit of background to this. I'm sure everyone knows that football teams have shirt sponsors.

It's a sad thing in a way because football shirts are beautiful, iconic, historic, culturally significant, emotion-inducing things, and then you put a big, ugly sponsor's logo. And it doesn't matter who the sponsor is. There has never been a football shirt that's looked better with the sponsor's logo on it, in my opinion. Anyway, Albion recently announced their new shirt sponsors,

and they are a company called Ideal Boilers. We'll be the judge of that. Yeah, and I think there was a suggestion on the internet that that would be, some fans would find that a difficult thing to have written on their chest. Spare a thought for Virgin Media. To be fair, yeah, to be fair to Ideal Boilers,

I mean, they're a proper old-fashioned company. They're somewhat like 1906 or something. Really? They're a heating company. They make boilers. It's not like a low-rent dating app. No, certainly not. Oh, my God.

No, but so, I mean, I'm happy with Ideal Boilers personally because it's better than, you know, online betting. Yes, absolutely. You know, they bring warmth, not poverty and despair. So I was happy with that, especially when I read a quote, which I actually wrote down, a quote from their website, which is sort of their... I like that Frank's typed

into Google, Ideal Boy. When they were coming to sponsor us, you know, it's a big thing for the club, so I thought I'd look to see what their slogan is. Continually working to meet ever-changing domestic heating

needs. And that's a good thing, isn't it? Yeah, that's great. Now, when they first announced the Ideal Boilers thing, there were several Albion fans on the internet saying, are these shirts available without the logo? Which I thought was a bit disloyal. Yeah, yeah. So they wanted shirts without logos,

and I think some of them wore without tears. So, yeah, so anyway, it happened, and then... Oh, it happened, my friend. Yeah, and then they unveiled the new mascot on Saturday. And it's a dancing boiler. I mean, like a big white, I think they call them combi boilers, don't they? Well, as one disgruntled West Brom fan said on a fan site that I saw, it's not even fluffy.

They could at least stick some goggly eyes on it. No, it's not fluffy at all. If it came to your house, you couldn't have it in the kitchen. You'd have to bring it in the utility room. It's a white good. We've got a dancing white good representing Le Club, to some extent. I have to say, there was some moving footage of it

when I say moving I mean it was animate, I don't mean I was brought to tears by it, although I did laugh a lot and I passed it on to Emily on the train to see it and it's a sort of unbelievable thing, a big dancing boiler, but you know what, I've already

as it were warmed warmed to it. I think we've had more publicity because of... I think he's officially called Colin the Combi. He's called Colin the Combi, Frank. But he's boiler man to everybody. He's boiler, but also what I liked about it, and I appreciate the tassel is... What does a tassel do, Frank?

Quivers. Oh, quivers oh quivers thank you um he has adopted a sort of liam gallagher swagger when he walks a lot of mascots do that though he's really pronounced though but i think the the the crowd were chanting stuff about um you know of the get a life variety to the man inside it, which was a no need. What I really like the idea is this bloke went to the job centre and they said, there's a job going at West Bromwich Albion. And he went in and they said, OK, would you mind wearing a boiler suit? And he said, no, I'm fine with that. I liked it.

And then he got that one. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I've watched the video of Colin dancing. Oh, yeah. It's a hell of a thing. It's really funny. It's quite joyful. I like to think it's Alan Pardew in the costume.

No, that wouldn't be joyful. It's sort of funny because it's so stocky and cuboid from a distance. Well, it's a boiler. Yeah. I briefly thought it might be Harry Maguire's head. Oh, no. I mean, he's a national hero, for goodness sake. They said that out of love.

I've really got to like it. I think they're on board for two years. Brilliant. They also said we've got several other surprises up our sleeve, so let's see how that goes. Does this mean is Baggy Bird still? Oh, yeah, he's still there. He's still there?

I'm imagining that that's a little bit in the tunnel. That's a bit tricky, The new one turning up. Can I just say the respect for West Brom as well? Because I like the fact that they haven't hidden it. They haven't been discreet. These are the people paying the wages. If you take the cheque, then, you know. Yeah, yeah.

Well, exactly. I think it's fair enough. I don't know if, about hiding it, I don't know if ideal boilers would have just allowed the boiler to be a sort of underground income meat-o-fit. What I'm suggesting is if you have, let's say, for example, Fly Emirates, it is quite a discreet, you know, you have it on the shirt, but you don't have the mascot

coming on as a business class seat, do you? Yeah, all dressed as an aeroplane. Yeah. But I think you should be forced to reflect your sponsor. I think they should do that. They should do that from now on. Just a can of crown paints.

Well, if they can find a way of somehow warming up certainly the Alfreds' line stand through in the winter months, I think that would be a brilliant move if they could do that. I think that would be a brilliant move, if they could do that.

I went to a game at the Hawthorns for the first time. It's brilliant. It's a real, like... First of all, he told me I look like the new Doctor Who. He said he loves the Hawthorns. He's after this game permanently. I went with Russell Howard, and we'd been given seats by Adrian Charles.

In fact, it was very sweet. What was the match? It was when you beat Arsenal 3-1. I like him even more. I don't know. Yes, it's a beautiful place, I must say. And I think only enhanced by Colin the Combi. Yeah.

It's up there with the classic. Have you ever seen the Partick Thistle mascot? Is that like a big star? Yeah, yeah. It sort of looks like Lisa Simpson's been drawn by Picasso. Yes. And that became kind of a cult favourite as well. We were once sponsored by the No Smoking campaign.

Oh, was it part of the cigarette? I think it was 85, 86. So no, on the shirt, there was a picture of a cigarette with one of those, you know, there's no entry red, like a red circle with a red. So that was the sponsor for the year. And all the publicity for it was the Albion team. And the caption was, champions don't smoke.

Oh. We won four games that year and were relegated. But you could also smoke at the ground at the time. So all the players had no smoking signs and everybody was smoking on the terraces. It was a strange time. So there's been a bit of a history. It was a strange time. So there's been a bit of a history.

We also had one that I just had an enormous big phone number of the sponsor. It's like a house. Listen, it's a great way to find a boyfriend. It's a massive phone number on it. I just think, oh, can't they Google it or something? We don't have to have the phone number. But anyway, I should say the money's got to come from somewhere. I'd rather it come from Ideal ideal boilers than so many places.

And I love your naked honesty. Thank you so much. Is that the new Channel 4 programme? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You were talking about West Brom fronting an anti-smoking campaign. Did you see the reveal of Santi Cazorla at Villarreal? Yeah, we should say that Cazorla used to play for Arsenal. And he, as you intimate, moved to Villarreal.

And what they do, I mean, I've seen a few various versions of this, but often they'll bring a player out onto the pitch to wave and he'll wear a shirt maybe or get a scarf. Yeah. There was, I think, when, I could be wrong about this, but I think when Ronaldo arrived at Real Madrid, they had a special thing and the people,

they didn't just do it at the game, they had people come into the ground just to see him arrive I think that was Ronaldo so it's got more and more of a thing more lavish

but this Santa I mean I've never seen anything quite like this before they had a magician they did

so straight away I'm in and the magician's name is Junker so I briefly thought it might be the chair of the European Commission taking time out from Brexit negotiations.

Well, I can tell he was a magician because he had a black waistcoat. Yeah. And that's not, I know, it wasn't a suit waistcoat like Gareth Southgate. It was a showbiz waistcoat. Was it brocade? It was just a shiny black, yeah, fabric. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

And they've got this glass capsule, haven't they? It's sort of like a shower in a two-star hotel. Yes. Not unlike the things from the original Star Trek series when they used to be beamed up and down. Yeah. That kind of thing. Okay, I'm going to go for sugar canister

in an American diner so we've all got a different interpretation of it okay I'm going to go for in an old shop the tube where they used to send a message

from another department they'd put it in like an egg a vacuum tube and send it down in case you said a vacuum tube that is the winner

I like that and anyway they had one of those on stage probably about eight feet high and then he gives it full magician

za za za and his arms are moving those gestures that they do that no one else ever does it in the whole world outstretched arms

outstretched arms pointed at the thing yeah and then the canister fills with smoke the West Brom 85-86 team would not approve of

Lord of the Dance music in the background slash Game of Thrones it can't be smoke it must be dry ice I presume so and then of course Santee emerges now we should say Santee's little

but he's not there he's not there it's an empty big tube and it fills with dry ice and you think what on earth's going on or maybe you don't because you know what's... And then you see the yellow kit and Santi magically

appears, but Santi's quite little, we should say. He's petite. He's about 5'5", I think. So when he comes out, you think, oh, he's tiny. And they struggle to open the capsule so there's a bit of awkwardness. They don't quite smoothly open the capsule, so he kind of stumbles out. See, they could have used him in the sawing a woman in half thing,

where he could have been in one compartment, and they could have, like, threatened him. They could have had, like, say if they'd have had, like, someone who wasn't that great. Let's say, I'm trying, obviously I can't think of a football that would fit that category. But let's, for the sake, say they had a very, very old man. Yes.

And then when they opened the thing, then he just came out the bottom. That would have been good. And people are really excited. The people are cheering. And it's just unfortunate he's missing the first six games due to smoke inhalation. Yeah, but what I didn't...

Do you think he said abracazorla? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. I've given him a little jingle every time, so Steve Hall he's the loneliest man in the world you can that's a bit too upbeat for me that tickles his fancy

you can text the show at 8.12.15 follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website I've had a few missives in. John Round has been in touch. John Round, okay. I hope you're svelte, John. He says hashtag Boilerman hopes

to maintain his anonymity. He's going to be bigger than the stick. And then he's forwarded a link, which I haven't opened yet, but it's a link to a story about that, apparently. About he's going to remain anonymous. He wants to maintain his anonymity. That would have actually been the perfect way to unveil Boilerman, would have been in the same way they unveiled Santa Gazzola.

If there was a load of steam. And then a still fully working boiler. And then the plumber saying, oh, this is going to be a nightmare to fix. Yeah, oh, this is going to cost you. You just know it's going to be Adrian Childs, don't you? Yeah, oh, it's an absolute nightmare. And of course, the reason he hasn't come out and said that is

because he's not actually wearing a suit. It's just like a white, white Velcro body stocking. It's a

misunderstanding, the boiler thing. The thing about Boilerman, if you've just tuned in, by the way, Boilerman isn't a friend of ours.

He is the new West Brom mascot. Yes, and Adrian. Friend of the show, I'd like to think. And the thing about Boilerman is the white tights. I just think it's undignified for a man of any age.

You can't have a boiler in the different coloured tights. Oh, you're absolutely right. The boiler must wear white tights, yes. He's very much the test match boiler rather than the one-day international. If you don't like Boilerman, just chill. I would like to see Boil man playing in a celebrity cricket game in that outfit.

Wouldn't that be fabulous? He looks a bit like a fake speed camera as well. He could just terrorise motorists or get them to drive sensibly by just standing near the curb. I mean, he's got a lot of room in there. He could actually... Well, you say that, we don't know what his physique's like. What if he's actually, you know, that's made to fit? I like to think it's like a little cabin inside.

You know, he's got shelving and stuff in there. Yeah. But why is there with all the mascots? Sorry, Steve, I was just going to say. Why hate the waist so much? I mean, they're always lumbering creatures. Some are a bit... Well, they're certainly more slender than that. This is in Gunnersaurus Rex.

That mascot race they used to do was always very unfairly weighted to the more svelte mascot. Yeah, I mean, Boilerman, I think, would be strong. Well, Nicky, sorry, Frank, I was just going to say, Nicky has got in touch to say, do they still have the football mascot race? I don't think the boiler would do that well without legs, but it would be funny. Well, it has white tights. He does have legs. Yeah. Oh, God, he's got legs.

What are you talking about? There is a man in there. You know that, don't you? I say it might not be a man. We don't know that for certain. I'm being a bit sexist. Yeah. Boiler woman. Yeah, we should have revealed him the way they revealed Cazorla.

They should have had a big square. Yes, it is. The trouble is, though, I suppose, is that it would have looked like he was leaking steam. Yeah. It should have been a very bad advert for ideal. Yeah. Not ideal.

We were trying to work out how that trick was done, weren't we? We were just chatting during one of the songs about how the Cazorla illusion works. Are we allowed to talk about magic? Are we allowed to speculate about magic? Oh, yeah, we're not... Let's face it, we don't know, so we're not going to give away a classic secret.

I'll do the magic music while you discuss it, Steve. So we were debating, is there mirrors? I'll see if I've got some magic music while you discuss it, Steve. So we were debating, is there mirrors? I'll see if I've got some magic music. I was thinking some kind of mirrors. This will do. It's magic to me. Yeah, we figured mirrors around the bass that would just reflect the grass,

so it would look like it's part of the pitch but it's just basically mirrors I don't have an explanation other than they do it with mirrors Smoking mirrors is what you're basically you've broken it down to the most mundane thing ever said

about illusions Thank you Steve for that enlightening investigation into how it was done. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Darren has texted to say Boilerman should wear orangey brown tights so then it would look like the copper pipes going into the boiler. Oh, nice. Really good idea. Imagine if he had to wear orangey brown.

I don't know if you can even buy them in that colour. Hello, I'm looking for tights in an earthenware. I don't think you can buy boiler outfits. I think it may have been made especially. I'd be surprised to find he got it off the peg. Orange brown tights, though. I mean, who's got to go and buy those? First day on the job.

If I was doing that job, I don't think I'd be worried about the orange brown tights if I was dressed as a combi boiler. Well, that just illustrates the difference between us. Well, yeah. He's got, whoever he is, they've got good legs. Yeah, they do. It's a extraordinary thing to notice. If it turns out to be a woman now, of course,

that'll be a dark and unacceptable remark. Do you know, he had good legs, Boilerman. Congratulations. Do we know it's a man now, for sure? Well, Dave from Birmingham says, I played football with the Boilerman. Oh, OK. And he's actually pretty with the Boilerman. Oh, OK. And he's actually pretty quick.

Boilerman would win the mascot race. Oh, but does he mean as Boilerman? No, I thought he meant in civvies. I'm imagining he's a bit like Zorro in the West Midlands, that no one really knows who he is. Sort of like the Northampton Clown. And he's a representative of the local gentry. We're talking about him like he's just a player.

The Boilerman. Well, he might be a player for all we know. I was saying off-air just now, my concern, though, about Boilerman is that there's going to be a spate of... Yes, I said spate, and I'm not using it for cancellations. Or burglaries.

Copycat mascots. Sort of faux ironic. Do you feel me here? Yeah. And I won't like that because the charm of Boilerman is its naivety. Oh, yes, that's true. It's very, yes, it's primal. Yes.

The Cazorla thing, I remember when players used to, when they used to have a big signing at the club they used to they used to take like a little trestle table onto the pitch

and a bloke would come out using a three piece suit and he'd sign the great if you compare it to a magician making a man

appear in a tube of smoke the bloke would come on he'd be handed a biro and he'd sign the contract on the table and then that would be it. It would be. I mean, I don't know if it was the actual signing of the contract

or if it was a mock. But it wasn't the red arrow fly over as far as visual display. So they'd just come on and sign it and it'd be a big round of applause. Now, of course. This could be a trend.

I'd like to think, if there's more magic in football, if someone scores and they go to the crowd and make a 5pp come out of a kid's ear. Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to touch the crowd. That's my experience. You know, I was the mascot at the Albion once.

Shut up. I was. Oh, yeah, didn't you? Was Adrian a mascot as well Albion once. Shut up. I was. Oh, yeah, didn't you? Was Adrian a mascot as well? Me and Adrian, yeah. He was Baggy Bird and I was Baggy Junior. That's a bit rude. He's lost weight recently.

Yeah. Yeah, and we didn't tell anyone. It wasn't announced. We just secretly were inside the two outfits. Do you know what I love about that? I can imagine you being quite good-natured and excited and Adrian going, this suit is an absolute nightmare.

It's so hot. He loved it. The big thing with Adrian is that he wanted to be Baggy Bird because Baggy Bird is the senior partner in the thing. So me and him went

to Queen's Park Rangers as... He said, I thought we could go as Batman and Robin because it's like dressing up. I said, fine. And I thought, I won we could go as Batman and Robin because it's like dressing up. I said, fine. And I thought, I won't even ask who is who.

I know for a fact. He says, I'll get the costumes. I say, I know you will. And I know it'll be the boy Wonder. Yeah, and sure enough, he turned up in the Batman outfit. Here's your, here's your flag. Never even questioned it. You're lucky he didn't pile me off with Commissioner Gordon.

That was the joy of it, though. You get your photo took with a lot of fans when you're the mascot. When you walk round the pitch at the beginning, they come and they didn't notice me. So I'm having my photo. I'm a giant throsh in this. Don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah.

I meant the bird. Yeah. Yeah, Adrian was dressed as a tube of can of stanch. So I was putting my arm around people, and for the first 20 pictures, I had a broad grin on my face. And then I thought, what am I doing?

Why am I doing this so I just stood there just staring blankly like I was looking at a wardrobe in a shop with my arm round people and it was fine

it was fine it gives you tremendous freedom a mascot outfit that's your equivalent of like you know when famous people go to Comic Con

dressed as you know in cosplay that's your version of Comic Con they wear masks yeah but nobody nobody knew it's never announced on the day or anything we were just um that's brilliant yeah what a fabulous way of so you could be boilerman i could be you don't know yeah i like the way you're saying boilerman yeah i've made him i've made him sound like an old i don't mind that mind that. Can you say Steve is allowed to say that? He was Jewish. I like the idea that

Boylan Man might be someone on the witness protection programme who's just keeping a low profile. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So we've been chatting football, so it feels like the right time to mention the right honourable Sir Gareth Southgate. Ah, yes. Lovely.

Obviously the nation's beloved at the moment. And as if we couldn't already love him more, it turns out he's a big fan of Bake Off. Yeah. Yeah. A big fan of Bake Off. He's, quote, obsessed with it. Yes.

Is this supposed to make us love him more, did you think? I thought the way the papers have presented it, it's as if he's even more homespun. Does it make him like you less? I'm worried about it. Go on, then. Well, it's that he's desperate to do Celebrity Bake Off I hope that

I went to see The Sound of Music Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Sound of Music on the opening night and after it there was just one thing with the way they did

the curtain calls which I thought didn't allow us to give full applause to the star the music came in so he came over and I saw him after and he said did you enjoy it

I said can I just say just one thing about it and he looked at me and he said please don't and that's how I felt when I read that Garrett Southgate wanted to do Celebrity Bake Off please don't no because

I think the brilliant thing about the World Cobb is he came over as a man of integrity

and I think if he doesn't do that it's a danger you think it looks like he's sold out

yeah it just looks a bit cheap it won't be cheesy unless it's a cheesecake

what worries me is I can see them now and they'll make him wear an apron and it't be cheesy unless it's a cheesecake. Well, what worries me is I can see them now and they'll make him wear an apron and it'll be in the shape of a waistcoat with three white buttons down the centre. Yeah, and he'll be a cupcake. World cupcakes.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, Frank, you've got it in one. It'll end with a Panettone shootout. They'll say, it's crumbing home. Yeah, it will. It'll be all like that. There'll be too many, Sandy will be going,

are you tackling that Madeira? They'll make him slice a cake with his face. I just, I just, I would,

if I'm not by any strength his advisor, but if he said to me, if he wrote to me and said, what do you think about this?

He wrote to you like Jane Austen in 1895. What does he email you? Okay, if he emailed me, if he wrote to me and said what do you think about this? Like Jane Austen, 1895. What does he email you? Okay, if he emailed me, I forgot about that. That form of communication. I would

beseech him not to do it. There's obviously the worry that what if he comes up against a properly decent baker? He'll probably get through the early rounds playing some less good bakers. He's going to get found out. know, he'll probably get through the early rounds playing some less good bakers. Oh, yeah. And then he's going to get found out. Oh, you see.

Well, he might deliberately lose one of the rounds against some of the lesser bakers. He says he has bake-off parties, though, bake-off themed parties. Does he say that? Well, is it a friend said? Doesn't it mean that there was a cake at one of his parties once?

How do they work, the bake-off parties? How do you have it? Because if you go to a party dressed as Paul Hollywood, that doesn't look like a cake party. That looks like a seedy swingers party

if you go as Paul Hollywood. Oh, Frank. Can I say absolute right? They completely disassociate themselves. Paul Hollywood is a very fine professional. We all respect.

I imagine that you turn up and he bakes the cake. Oh, does he? He's not going to have multiple ovens, is he, Gareth? But I thought each person would have to turn up with a cake. So Raheem Sterling with a tort. You know, you have to present your cake. Well, I mean, that would be...

I wouldn't mind going for that. Harry Kane with a Battenberg. Hello. And then he chooses his final 23 from there. He has different... Yeah, that's how he chooses the squad. No, well, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind going to that part. But that's in his own home.

I don't mind what Gareth Southgate does in his own home. I just think he's the first England manager for some time who's got the genuine affection of the country. And I think he needs to be a bit careful. You think he's one soggy bottom away from losing the affection of the nation? Well, Gary Lineker certainly was. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. On the subject of Gareth Southgate and... And the Bake Off. And New England.

Should we call them New England? Yeah. Isn't he like when Tony Blair arrived? Yeah, he is. Yeah, he's a bit England 2.0. Yeah. Yeah, you're being good in 2.0. Yeah.

So I went out to buy an England football shirt for my six-year-old, Buzz, at the weekend. I sort of forgot I was in Scotland. So I went into Sports Direct on Prince's Street in Edinburgh and said, have you got an England shirt for kids? How did that go down? I think he looked around the shop and I thought, first of all, he was looking to see if he'd got any. And I thought, Julian, you must have looked around the shop before.

I think he might have been looking for a hidden camera or something. But they hadn't got any. And he was relatively okay about it, but he just was looking at me like, what? And it turns out it's a different contrary. Who knew? I tried to help Frank in the task, didn't I? I started ringing around, and one man said to me,

you won't find one of those in the whole of Scotland. Yeah. And then the receiver was replaced. Quite roughly. I thought it was, you know, we're all... God's chilling. Yeah, we're all God's chilling, certainly. Given how close the independence vote was,

there would be people, there's a few English people who reside in Scotland. And they hadn't got any Remember Culloden iPhone covers either. They're angry about that. No, so I thought, you know, after I'd sort of dwelt on it a bit, I thought, you know, I guess it's fair enough. I know there's a bit of a rivalry, sort of one-way

rivalry. So I thought it was a stupid thing to do. I'll wait until I get back to England. Maybe a more apposite place to buy an England shirt. So sure enough, on Monday I went out

I went to Sports Direct. I better not Monday, I went out. I went to Sports Direct. I better not say which branch it was. I went to one in North West London. And I went in and I couldn't believe, I said to this bloke, do you, and he went,

yeah. I said, the balls, how much are the balls? 18 quid. And then I went another bloke, and he was, yeah, I don't know. So I got a ball. In the end, I got a World Cup ball. I went to the counter, and I said to the bloke, I said, have you had bad news?

Genuinely, I said, has something bad happened. He said, what do you mean? I said, everybody just seems in a really terrible mood. And he said, it's just the shop. Wow. I don't even know what that means. So I was talking to my PA

and I said, I got buzzed at World Cup football. He said, oh, great. I said, I went into at World Cup Football. She said oh great. I said I went to a sports place to get it. I love your sentences I was talking to my PA. And I said it was like a sort of

surly police interview. You know when the ones who know that they're right and they don't want to tell you anything. No comment. And she said oh was it Sports Direct? the ones who know that they're right and they don't want to tell you anything. No comment. No comment. It's really difficult. And she said, oh, was it Sports Direct?

There you go. Shut up. I know you get a lot of huge mugs at Sports Direct. What's that mean? Both mug-wise and human-wise. No, but I would have thought it was an uplifting place to work amongst sport gear and stuff. You know, sports, one of the, you know,

the great enjoys. Depressed by Mike Ashley's transfer policy at Newcastle. Yeah, I don't know if, if maybe they get a lot of awkward, difficult customers

and stuff. I really thought. Almost like people walking in saying that something bad happened. I feel like, yeah, no.

I was asking. I really felt like I'd walked into something awful. Yeah, yeah. You know when you get like a go around someone's house and they've obviously just had a big row? It was like that.

Actually, to be honest, Frank, you do often miss out on some of these retail stories because we had to break the news. So you might have thought there might have been financial problems because we had to break the news to Frank Horner that BHS didn't exist anymore. No, that was a shock.

Yeah, but I still think that there might have been something terrible happened in that. Yeah, yeah. Goodness me. Anyway, I'm not dissing the company. Well, I have. I suppose I have now, accidentally. But that wasn't my intention. Anyway, I got a World Cup ball and I got an England kit for my child. Oh, has he worn it yet?

When I went online in the end. Well, you always do, don't you? He hasn't worn anything else since. It's brilliant. Oh, it takes me back. Not that my parents could afford one, but I think they drew one on my bare chest. Extraordinary.

So I'm trying to find a way out this link. You know, when I keep going I have a fan that I like to get out and I whoosh. I was going to offer. So are you getting It's Coming Home delivery? If you've ordered it online. It's not what I dreamt of, but let's leave it at that. Oh God. At least it wasn't me.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And can I just confirm, Frank was suggesting earlier that Marlon Brando had a relationship with his cleaner, and you were correct. See, I knew I had a memory of some terrible quote from him about how it all began. With her cleaning under a table.

Oh, dear. Yeah, I know, Marlon. He's a great actor, but in many ways an animal. Anyway. Some review. David Lister has got in touch to say David Essex's mum was a cleaner for Paul McCartney. Is that right? Lovely bit of info there. Brilliant.

I love it. You got sent a note by Paul McCartney today. Well, did I? Okay. I got, I got, I got this is a bit perhaps we should put a photo of this on our what's it called? Twitter, darling. Twitter, yeah. Our producer announced it, didn't she?

With a flourish. She said, oh, you've got a message from Paul McCartney. So obviously I was quite excited a message from Paul McCartney. And it's was quite excited, a message from Paul McCartney. And it's his new single, I think. And there's a little note that said something like, all the best, Paul. I think you'll find it said cheers. Cheers, Paul.

But it looks printed. You know the printed autograph? I'll tell you, I once wrote to Dennis Law, the footballer, and said, can I have your autograph? And he sent me back a shredded wheat advert. A sort of flyer for shredded wheat. Who hands those out? And it had his autograph printed on it, and he thought that would do.

That's cheap, isn't it? I've really gone off him now. So I would love to know if people think it's a reel. To me, it looks printed. Yeah, you love to know if people think it's a real, to me it looks printed. Yeah, you have to look closely. I'm leaning towards printed. Can I be honest? I don't think you had to look that closely. Really, you think it's printed?

Yeah, it's definitely printed. I mean, why bother having a separate compliment slip with a printed T.S. Paul, honey? Yeah. What a shame. It's still a nice thing to get. Come on. What, a printed Paul McCartney autograph?

I used to collect Beatles bubblegum cards when I was a kid and they all had the printed autographs on. Yeah. I've got a house full. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I have got all four autographs. You have, mate? Yeah. Wow. Of the Beatles? Yeah. Shut up. I have, yeah. You've got to be careful with Beatles autographs

because they had women working at the office who used to do all the autographs. But this was, it's a sort of a menu from a flight from the Bahamas when they were flying back from filming Help. And it's signed by all of them, except John Lennon signs it about six times, suggesting that

he might have been drinking on the fly. Because I showed them to Ringo Starr and said, these are real, aren't they? He said, I don't think so. But that's just because he's Ringo Starr. I'm pretty confident they are. You can compare the printed one from Paul.

Maybe the print is not even his. Maybe he's got someone who does it for him now. Are you suggesting I go compare? Well, I certainly won't do that. Anyway, I'd love to know if it's the real, perhaps we should put it up, there'll be a calligrapher listening.

It's the real McCartney. Yeah, the real McCartney, very good. Do you know, I really, if there's a calligrapher listening, that would make me very happy. That's exactly the demographic I want for this show. Yes, I like to think we have a hardcore following of calligraphers.

In their little studio. You know? Whatever happened to calligraphy? That would be a good whatever happened to. What were you talking about before? I was talking about a Doctor Who thing called Sharda. Oh, yeah. Oh, good, I'm glad we got back to that.

It was never completed. And I said it didn't happen because of industrial action. And Steve Hall said... Whatever happens to... Industrial action. Yeah, you just don't hear that. You don't hear that phrase anymore. Due to industrial action.

Yeah. Now, it might be because Margaret Thatcher broke the unions in the 80s. But I just don't think it's to industrial action. Yeah, now it might be because Margaret Thatcher broke the unions in the 80s, but I just don't think it's called industrial action anymore. Can I just say Steve has got in touch, not this Steve but another Steve. It was Adam Ant's mum who cleaned for Macca.

Adam used to walk his dog. Well, I don't know. I can't confirm that. That's quite a big Adam Ant or David Essex. Big stylistic difference there. Well, I don't know. I can't confirm that. That's quite a big Adamant or David Essex. Big stylistic difference there. Well, I don't know. I think either one is a good story. Isn't it?

Absolutely. I just heard David Essex's cover of Ghostbusters for the first time ever. I've never heard that. That's a staggering thing. It was only a winter's tale. I didn't know you had that up your little sleeve. Oh, man.

I celebrated David Essex's, I think it was something like his 49th birthday. Can I say he liked a waistcoat, Frank? Yeah, we were in the Sahara Desert and we sat round a campfire. We sat round a campfire. We sat round the campfire and I was sitting next to Victor Abugo, the English rugby

legend. I hope that didn't happen website aren't listening to this story. And we sang Hold Me Close in the desert to David. Love that song. Fantastic. As he looked a little bit sheepish and coy about the whole experience

he's a frightfully nice chap and then we had him on here and it messed things up sort of got on really well in Africa I had him on here and we didn't he was a guest and I didn't play a single

from his new album and he took a gin me oh dear that was an awkward awkward day altogether shall we leave it on that? Yeah, let's leave it there. It was only a winter's tale.

Yes, I think it was on in the winter, so it actually was a winter's tale. Okay, I think we've run out of time. Oh, we've got time for you. Can't leave Basil with his head in a vice. That's what they used to do on the Basil Brush Show. Why don't you just trust me,

you young people? Thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. time next week. Be seeing you.