The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Pringle Socks

Episode Date: September 28, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has spotted some strange pilot behaviour and has a stair-gate update. The team also discuss Drake's Celine Dion tattoo plans, the Jorvik Centre and quilting.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Too much spit, I've got too much spit, how did that happen? I thought I nearly drowned. Oh, you don't want to go like that. Did you think about opal fruits or something?

I must have actually just had a flashback to opal fruits. Oh, wow. Why did you say that? Oh, I've started salivating. Because they're made to make your mouth water, aren't they? I literally happened just there. I saw an open spot. Probably 25 years ago I saw an open spot.

If you're not familiar with comedy terminology, an open spot is someone who's not being paid and is trying to get into comedy. We've all done it. And he got on stage and he had a packet of opal fruit. I don't think he's still working. If he is, he's probably not doing this. And he held this and he just stared.

Wow. He stared at this packet of opal fruits for about a minute and a half in complete silence, and then he just went, and his mouth was full of water. It's a good joke. Yeah, I should say the slogan for younger people, I don't know,

was opal fruits made to make your mouth water. Yeah. Now, of course, called a Starburst. Starburst? I promise I'm not going to go down a, what are your favourite retro sweets? No, let's not do that. Do you remember Marathon?

We'll have to... Pacers, what about Pacers? We're doing it, we're actually doing it. There are people doing that right now on radio stations, enjoying themselves. Save your 50 pence. If you people doing that right now on radio stations, enjoying themselves. Save your 50 pence. If you send any in, we won't read them out. Send it to someone else, though,

because they might like that content. Yeah, well, oh, that's a little bit... Did that sound a bit arch? I thought you were going to say save your 50 pence and buy some Starbucks. I was going to say elitist, and then at the last minute the word accurate elbowed it out the way.

So, yeah,, have we heard from this outside world we speak of so much? I'll tell you what, we've had a lot of seen Frank Skinner on tour text messages and emails. But don't worry, they're all clean. Happily There was a time

that would have sent a shiver through me. Some of them raised a few questions. Was it Astrid? Was it? Yeah, but Ali, it used to be Saul Frank Skinner on tour, and I'd think, oh, no. And now I think, where were you? The Anglo-Saxon exhibition.

Yes. It's a little bit difficult to edit out the praise, but I'll try. Thank you. Just driving back from your Leicester gig. A lot of praise. Just gig a lot of praise just deleting a bit of praise there poor Enrico and Luciano

aka Italy 1 and 2 they then say a favourite gag punchline so I won't read that PS we also stayed in the old rectory Rosalie

is it Rosalie? Rosalie Rosalie Gower but we had to book three years in advance, dot, dot, dot. I think we booked a long time in advance. There's a suggestion there that we just stepped in. I thought you might have jumped the queue through fame.

Metropolitan elite. And then they add, I love telling people I've slept in the same bed as Frank Skinner. Yeah, but did they see any ghosts there? Oh, they've not mentioned that. They've been too busy with praise for your show. Okay, well. That's from Lynn. Thank you, well. That's from Lynn.

Thank you, Lynn. That's very nice. Now, I told you what happened, didn't I? Everyone was laughing at me for being worried about the ghost thing. They're not laughing now. Maybe I didn't. Yeah, exactly. And then my brother-in-law said,

who went for a wee last night and then got mixed up and came into my room and everyone went oh no you haven't told me that no you know some people love that sort of thing obviously who's the woman who used to be on Blue Peter

who does all the ghosty stuff Yvette Field she'd have been there. Do you know what she loves? She loves... She loves the dead. Well, she loves... That's her thing.

Yeah, she loves one of those lights, slightly bluey lights on her face. She loves... I'll tell you what she loves. It's so odd that someone just

touched my coat. Someone just touched my coat. I know. You can't well be working with her in the current climate. I've got a career to think about. I want to ask you a question.

Go on. Before we do more. If this is completely normal, then, you know, I just haven't seen it before. I was about to get on an aeroplane to fly to Dublin. Fancy. to get on an aeroplane to fly to Dublin. Fancy. And the pilot

was leaning right out of the window of the door on the cockpit wiping the windscreen on the plane. Like a lorry driver. Yeah. Did he have an absolutely filthy little teddy bear strapped

to the front? Yeah, Michelin man. But is that a normal thing? It unsettled me a bit because I want them to be, you know, sort of specialist professionals. There was an element of a friendly neighbour saying, I'll give you a lift to Dobbin. Hold on a minute, just to this windscreen. You know when they say, sorry about the mess?

Well, it would be a bit like watching Buzz Aldrin get one of those scrapey things out. Well, I took a photo. So we'll put it up on our Instagram. If anyone else has seen, it just seemed like, surely they have other people for cleaning the windscreen. Or gadgets. I have other questions about this,

but we'll come to those questions after this. Frank's just shown us the picture. We have pictorial evidence of the pilot. Not the first time I've said that. But he paid up.

What's on a plane windscreen that you need to clean off? Flies. Do you remember I asked this on air and people went mad at me. I said, do they get squash flies on their windscreen? People said, you think they fly at 35,000 feet? But they have to get up there, first of all. Well, exactly. Do they have...

I mean, I would only lean out if it was bird poo normally but surely they don't get bird poo on an aeroplane windscreen. Well, it might happen. I suppose it depends where they've parked it. If they've parked the plane under a tree. Oh, yeah, I think it was under a tree on a normal suburban street.

Now I've come to think of it. Yeah. It's an extraordinary image. Birds probably get plane poo, don't they? Do you? On them? I mean, I'm sure we must have discussed this before. I still don't know the answer.

Do planes literally drop frozen human waste into the atmosphere? Is it an urban myth or is that true? Because you hear these stories. I'm looking to you, Al, as a sort of transport correspondent because I hear stories about a block of ice came through an old lady, it's often an old lady, through an old lady's roof or something. Yeah, I mean, I also like these stories,

but I think the answer is if they did do that, then it's not anymore. Like, there must be, it must be just getting contained and brought back to depot now isn't it they still say in trains that don't use the toilet when it's out of station that suggests it just drops straight through onto the tracks

yeah I think that might have been the case it can't be falling out of the sky I've got to confess to something go on I have left train stations and I've sort of slightly, I mean, you can't open the windows now, but I've always thought, I've always slightly imagined

that there might be unmentionables on the tracks that we leave behind. Why else would they stop you going in a station? But why do, we don't never see them at the station. It's not like you've ever been stood on a platform, the train's arrived, gone on, you thought, oh, the smell. It's not like you've ever been stood on a platform, the trains arrive, gone on, you thought oh, the smell. No, that is true. But you do see mice and they will eat anything.

I was at the Jorvik Centre in York this week, do you know it? You've been on a school trip. Well, you know, I like to keep up with the, I mean it's not strictly speaking Anglo-Saxons, it's more like the enemies of the Anglo-Saxons. But it's the big Viking centre.

I know, the old Viking centre. They've got a big famous poo there, a big famous Viking poo. Heavens, no. No, they really have. They really have. They've done all the analysis on it, and it's a beauty.

It's an old one. Rob Doyle has got in touch. Someone else who's been to see your show and says, I don't care about the no praise stuff. OK? OK. He left De Montfort and he was happy as Larry. I'm just using that because I like the phrase happy as Larry, OK?

Yeah. He doesn't think it's upset. No, I like happy as Larry. It's good. It just made me think of Larry Grayson. I was on the Raw Variety with him and he absolutely died. Oh, wow.

And the phrase happy as Larry didn't seem... What about Larry Olivier? I think me and Larry Grayson and Ronnie Corbett all absolutely died that night. Oh, really? Yeah. It was a tough old night. I'll tell you what I liked about the Jorvik Centre, they've got

the animatronic figures. I love. Oh yeah. I love an animatronic. That did very well in this studio. It got a chorus of nods of the animatronic figures. You know like the gorillas in the Rainforest Cafe. Right. With the slow blink, the unsettling

slow blink. Oh, yeah. It's a bit like, you know, the old ventriloquist Dobby's had the old... I'm demonstrating, trust me, it's great.

Just laugh anyway. The Lord Charles, yeah. Oh, man, it was... I do like that. What's your best ever animatronic figure you've seen operational?

The slowness of them. Yeah. Occasionally they'll do something that really is quite realistic, a little shrug of the shoulders or something. I like it when you see it with the older sort of Disney figures. When you go to It's a Small World perhaps, some of them built in the

60s. Oh yeah. And they're a little bit primitive, the technology. It's a small world. Oh yeah. Is that the wrong tune yeah but yeah favorite animatronic figure let's get this let's get this sorted on absolute radio anyway we've heard from some of our readers frank oh Well, there's a lovely animatronics from Mike Dunning sent through to us on Twitter. He says,

we make animatronic characters for Christmas displays at shopping centres and centre parks and such like. Great use of such like. And it's, well, it's extraordinary, the character he sent us. I believe it looks like, is it a reindeer? I'm going to get one of my boffins to assist me. I mean, the character he sent us. I believe it looks like...

Is it a reindeer? I'm going to get one of my boffins to assist me. I mean, the fact that I'm asking that question is possibly... But it looks like it's definitely got slow eyes. Oh, good. Huge slow eyes. That's what you want. Dull eyes.

Very unsettling. Lord Charles, eventually, had a poppy, and he had the slow blink. Very, very unsettling. Yes. Well, you're a pretty little thing, aren't you? And the animatronic characters I always notice as well tend to, I don't know whether it's to do with the technology,

but they tend to have about seven eyelids as well. Do they? They have a lot of eyelids in order to, there's a lot going on there. If Lord Charles the famous ventriloquist if they did a biopic who would play

Lord Charles do you think Jacob Rees-Mogg yeah but he doesn't he doesn't Xander Armstrong I could

he could carry it off 404 has texted in and it's Adam from Harlow and has given us He could carry it off. 404 has texted in. And it's Adam from Harlow and has given us a two-pronged attack here. Morning, Frank and team. Blocks of ice appear on the undercarriage of aeroplanes

due to leaky plumbing. Reassuring, isn't it? That's really reassuring. Drip by drip it forms. It's gone a little bit... Yeah, it does. Drip by drip it forms. It's gone a little bit... Yeah, it does. Drip by drip it forms. It's gone a bit Stephen King.

Until it's too large and plummets down to Earth. P.S. Favourite animatronic is the Hall of Presidents at Disney World. They've recently added a Don Trump. A little bit over-familiar, I think. Not often you're called Don. I mean, that reminds me of when... It's Donald or POTUS to you

Donny that reminds me of when Frank called Ronaldo Chris I think I also said Bob Mugabe

on this you can be over familiar with these with these people certainly Don did I tell you

about my conversation with I must have told you about my conversation with Tim Rice about animatronics? Did I tell you that? Oh, God, you didn't give him advice, did you? I said, you know, I went to, I said they had the grand opening of this

Museum of Popular Music in Sheffield. Oh, yeah. I said, and they had you, like you were like a, like a, in a suit, like a waxwork suit, and they had like a white sphere, this white sphere on their head. I said, and they projected your face onto it, onto the sphere.

And you told us about the history of popular music. And as I spoke, I could, from his face, I started to get a very strong sense that it had actually been him and not and not and not his face not his face projected onto a sphere and I said yeah and it was like um I said I was right at the back where I was, I was right at the bat. Where I was, though, I was right at the bat. That was hashtag orcs.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had a troubling text in about one of your shows here, Frank. Oh, yeah? Great show on Thursday night, Frank. I was the guy in the audience who shouted out, it was Barbarella's, Frank. Oh, yes, I remember. Do you want to elucidate on that?

Barbarella's was a nightclub. Sounds like it. So I was talking about nightclubs in the 70s or whatever, and he said it was Barbarella's, yeah. Well, that bit I was not so troubled by, but then he, I think it is, leaves with, we had to pay £35 for the parking. Unbelievable.

Next time we'll get our tickets for Birmingham. £35 for the parking? I don't want to say it, but that means that the car park was more expensive than the Frank Skinner ticket. That's not right, is it? I thought you meant one of those parkings, you know, like a bread roll. No, that's unbelievable.

Where did they park then? I don't know. Don't make no sense, do it! Don't make no sense, Captain! I feel your pain, though. I feel your pain I feel your pain now that's awful news awful

that is the tickets are only 25 yeah outrageous I mean we've had I say only if there's anyone listening

who's saying yes well it's alright for you I'm in a bed I know I've been there I don't think anyone's going to be quite in those dire straits

where I haven't been is Flamingoland, where the producer was telling us about. Have you ever heard of that before? Is this where your friends have been? It sounds like maybe gentlemen from the city go there. Oh, do you think it's... Oh, yeah, that's got that...

Hello, flamingos. Oh, I don't like it. Oh, Flamingoland. Yeah, hold on. All right, Charisse, yeah, just leave it there,oland. Yeah, hold on. All right, Charisse. Yeah, just leave it there, love. Yeah, what's your say, mate? Misty.

Misty. Yeah. Are you thinking of going, Fran? Well, I've never heard of it. Have you got any gigs near Grimsby coming up? Can we ask? What is Flamingoland? It's just like Thought Park.

It's just... Thought Park. But does it have flamingos? Yeah, there's like a wildlife thing. Oh, I'm in. Okay, it has flamingos. Yeah, there's like a wildlife thing. Oh, I'm in. Okay, it has flamingos. I'd be a bit miffed if it didn't. There's a thing I see.

Can we... On the motorway, I don't know which exactly motorway it is. Al might know this. Oh, yeah. There's a sign for Birdland. Oh, I don't know that. And I always think...

Hello, Birdland. Do you ever have this? This could be a new feature. I'd like to have been at that meeting. Where they said, so we're going to have all these birds in this place. What are we going to call him? What about Birdland?

Yeah. Yeah, it'd be fine. Come on, we've got other stuff to do. Yeah, exactly. It's got that kind of filter. Birdland. Yeah, fine. The Birdland. Oh, we forgot the name. Well, I've got other stuff to do. Yeah, exactly. It's got that kind of filter. It's been too long. Birdland. Yeah, fine. Birdland.

Oh, we forgot the name. Well, I've got to go. Well, come on, we've got a quarter we want. Birdland? Yeah. Okay. See you, what, Tuesday?

Plain score. Yeah, so, I'll tell you what, have you seen these new things they have in Marks and Spencers when you can get, if you spend 20 quid in Marks and Spencers, you get tiny miniature versions of things that they sell.

What? What? It sounds like my absolute dream life. So you get like a chicken and mushroom sandwich. Oh, shut up. Or a chicken and sweet corn sandwich in those little, you know, plastic things that they come in, but tiny. No, like borrower's products.

But I would have voted against that in the meeting. I'd have said, well, that's, who's going to want, what kid is going to want that? But Boz collects them, and his mate, his mate Jude, they sort of swap it, they're swapping, like, you know, chicken soup, mini

chicken soups. Oh, hang on, can you eat this produce? No, no, they're just tiny. It's like a toy. It's like the... Do not eat the mini Marks and Spencers foods. But if I'd have been about to eat it... Is it like the Hamburglar toys?

I don't know what, I don't like the sound of that. The McDonald's toys. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. To the tear that Buzz was in Burger King, and there was a terrible...

You know that painting, When Did You Last See Your Father? And it's a boy in a courtroom and all these men looking at him. Spanish Inquisition. He's absolutely under the... It wasn't actually the Spanish Inquisition before anyone texts him. It was... No, I was asking the question. I was saying, was it the Spanish Inquisition?

No, no, it wasn't. What was it? No, it wasn't. Anyway, I don't know what it was. But anyway, stop blaming the Catholics. That's what I'm saying. Well, that's why I noticed an edge in his voice. So he was in Burger King and he was ordering his happy meal and the woman said,

imagine this as a question for a seven-year-old. She said, ice cream or toy? Oh! And we just waited. And he went... And I watched the horror of making this enormous... I mean, that's as big a choice as a seven-year-old could make.

And in the end, he went, toy. And I felt almost instantly... You know, when you make a big decision, almost the regret of the one that you didn't get bites in. No kid should be put through that. The road not taken. Come on, Burger King. No kid, no kid should be put through that.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I should give you a... Remember I fell down the stairs last week? I do. In an incident. You've been haunting me, that. It's an incident I've come to refer to as stair gate.

Oh. Which I think Catherine might have to get some stair gates fitted for me now. But it was a shock. I did realise it was pointed out to me, that I did one of those when I fell. I did one of those Oliver Hardy. Whoa! I did one of those things.

But I went to the doctors this week because the pain was continuing. Oh, no! It was very kidney area yeah so I went to the doctor and uh she was a very no-nonsense kind of doctor so she did an examination I told some of the symptoms and stuff and then so I took my shirt off and she said uh yeah I did some breathing and she said, I know what it is we don't need an x-ray, it's a cracked rib

and I said I said, but it's at the back and she looked at me and said she's French, she said, what are you talking about and I said, well it's at the back there's no ribs at the back are there she just looked at me like

and ribs, there are ribs at the back, did you know that no, like and ribs there are there are ribs at the back did you know that no i've got to be honest i've always seen ribs as part of the frontal torso area i think there's a bit of tend i tell you i see you know like the silk section on a waistcoat i said that that is like tendon yes but then if you i I'm feeling now, I'm not showing off and I can feel a rib. Well, I've been looking at Viking skeletons

just a couple of days before so I should have been across it. Make sure you clear your history, mate. But she said, but she said to me,

she said, yeah, she said, and I'm pretty sure it's that one and I went, ah! And she said,

yes, yes, it is, it is that one. So we've got to the bottom of that. That's very painful. Very painful. It's very painful,

but it's not as if I'm on some gruelling tour at the age 62. And it's hard. The difficult thing, I've had sore ribs in the past. I'm not diminishing your problem with that. No. I'm saying the sore. I said I was tired, and and you said we're all tired dear I did do that

I quoted you ever since but you said you've got cracked ribs and then I said oh I've had sore ribs I feel like I demoted it slightly but I've had bad ribs and you can't rest them because they always move whilst you're breathing good use of air

maybe tell you what Good use of air Great use of air It was good that I haven't heard that since Amos No but she did one of those detective things, she said you haven't been taking painkillers have you? And I said no and she said no I knew that because I can tell by your breathing, because your body is

compensating for the crack root by breathing in a very shallow way she said you carry on like that you'll get a chest infection i thought what i came in here with a kidney thing and then we've got a chest infection the whole thing so so we do need doctors that is the uh option you can't just guess at home conversation last week you and i had a painkiller conversation i said i'll get some painkillers take take them. I just think pain is a guide, isn't it, for where you're supposed to lean and not lean. Oh, stop being all hair shirt about these things.

Just take them, Jeremy. That's my gig. Keep my German landlord out of this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, you may recall that one of the things i talk about on this show um on a regular basis is part works this is when you buy a magazine which often has some sort of thing with it no it's not 1979 yeah and you build it into um well the one i was talking about recently was Build Your Own X-Wing, which was you get an X-Wing as flown by Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars movies,

and you can build it over a period of two years. And the magazines are, the first one is 99p, and then after that they're 999 each, and it works out at 950 quid for the model. How long does it take sorry frank the uh what period of time do you get the two years two years yeah and then i was uh last year some of you um last week rather some of you may recall that i was uh celebrating a new one that I'd seen which was called I think Learn to Learn to Sew Quilts with Peter Rabby

or something of that. Patchwork Quilts. Yeah, Patchwork Quilts with Peter Rabby. I think the first part again was nice. Now, Emily has done further research on the Peter Rab Rabbit quilt part work.

Oh, yeah. How's it going? Over to our reporter. Do you know that... I didn't realise this show required any investigative journalism of us. There's a radio show on Radio 4, which I've only recently discovered.

Am I at my depth now? No, you've got your driving thing. It's called more or less. Oh, yes. Do you know? And they look at statistics. How much is less? Statistics that are casually used.

Yes. And they say, we'll go over to Emily now, who's found out more about this. So let's try that. Thanks, Frank. Exactly. Looking into the great Peter Rabbit quilt scandal. So, firstly, I've discovered that these people, i.e. you...

These people. ..who collect these part works are called hobbyists. Oh, yeah. OK? Isn't that just people who do hobbies? Mm-hm, that's right. But people don't do them anymore, really. Oh, come on.

Anyway, the Peter Rabbit quilt, it's the weekly part work. 99p for the first edition, Frank. Of course, of course. Pull them in, pull them in. This is how they get you. The hustlers. It's like the mafia. It's not like the mafia.

But the second part work. Go on. £299. Oh, that's gradual. Not on. £2.99. Oh, that's gradual. Not bad. Hold your high horses. The price then rises to £4.99.

Oh, it's a ramp. For a further 88 issues. These people, I mean, this is terrible. It's like moneylenders. A total cost of £443.10. For a quilt? You can get the premium subscription deal, which will end up as £522 for the quilt,

which, by FYI, is 82 inches by 69 inches. OK. Now, I haven't bought a quilt for many a long year. Yeah, that's what it was. I've just got the thing in. I noted it on my phone. The advert says, learn the art of quilting with peter rabbit yeah that's what it actually said um so you are learning the art of quilting so maybe you're paying in some sort of instructional way because you could apply this to other quilting jobs yeah sorry go on i see quilting as um as as a thing that the poor used to do to create quilts.

And now it feels like the poor are being priced out of quilting. The poor are always being... It's like skiing. The poor's traditions are constantly being taken out. Oh, that's what I said there. Yeah, look at the ripped jeans. It's all right when they say it. We absolutely cornered the market on ripped jeans.

True. And now... Can I say, more importantly, I've just realised, Frank, that Peter Rabbit can join our merry Donald Duck top cat band. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I'm referring to? Of wearing a top and not bothering about the lower end. Yeah, he just wears his dead father's jacket.

That's all he wears. I mean, wow. He's not just dead father. Some are disrespectful about wearing your dead father's jacket and nothing else. I mean, if someone said to you, if you were going out with someone, a date, let's say date number four, they said, look, I don't know if you're all right with this, but I like to, one thing I like to do, you know,

is to wear my dead father's jacket and nothing else. You'd be out of there, wouldn't you? So I don't... What? I don't want anything to do with this. Thanks for it. I don't want to see... You're not going to see my Mrs Tiggy Winkle. Also, Peter Rabbit, wax much?

I mean, he's a bit of a mess all over. Also, it's not... It wasn't even like a natural cause. He was killed and then baked in a pie. Is that a thing you want to bring up in the bedroom? I don't think so. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you need to do your business?

No, no, carry on. Oh, OK. Donna's got in touch. What did you say that? I thought, I'm just forgetting, I thought it was start of the carry on. Oh, okay. Donna's got in touch. What did you say there? I thought, I'm just forgetting, I thought it was start of the hour. Thank you, Al. My little grandson Harry collects those toys. You were referring

earlier to the M&S, a sort of borrower's collection. Yes. And hasn't got the chicken and sweetcorn sandwich. Does Buzz have a double he could swap for a pint of milk, a chicken and mushroom soup and a chicken Kiev, please? M&S have now stopped doing these. Some sort of swap shop.

Yes, I think Buzz is just a washing up liquid short of a set. They do loads of the products. I've heard that about him. It's not a very nice thing to say but I think you have to accept these things.

But I'll check that out. I'm happy to do some trades. Well, this is rather wonderful. We've also had an email. Frank, you could go to Flamingoland next Wednesday before your show at Scarborough. It's on the way. Oh.

See you on Wednesday at the show, not Flamingoland. No, I'm sure there's many things at Scarborough that one can see I like the idea of you having some fun after, I'm not saying that your Jorvik Viking Centre wasn't a fun afternoon I've got to tell you it was brilliant

I went to it many times I think if you're a Yorkshire school child even the whole county regardless of how far it is from York, you'll go into Jorvik Vikings Centre. That's quite right. It's part of it. I'm a little frightened of the Vikings. When we got outside, we had Viking burgers

that were sold by a store which were made with wild boar. Oh, really? A full experience. Nice. Come on. It's interesting how the Vikings have been turned into sort of benign superhero characters. What. Come on. It's interesting how the Vikings have been turned into sort of benign superhero characters. Yeah.

What an unpleasant type. Not as benign as they are now. The thing you have to say when you're talking about, if you're a historian, you have to say, look, I know the image is of them, you know. Like Liam Gallagher. Of hitting monks in the chest with an axe. But in fact... That wasn't the image in my head until now.

In fact, they had interest in poetry and, you know, they were great craftsmen. Oh, I'm sure they did. So that's what you have to say now. Oh, come on. Charles Bronson writes poetry. We know. Well, you know, they had all that,

but they still hit monks in the chest with an axe. That was still, I would say, that was their brand. The other stuff was when you've been out with them for a bit, you discover that they do ornamental jewellery. Yeah. Listen, Faye's dad has got in touch with this. But where did they get the gold? I want to know.

They ripped it off the front of Bibles on Holy Island. Okay, all right. We've all had a drink. Oh, sorry. Exactly. I bet they said that a few times. The Vikings. I know the sneak point.

Black. Fay's dad has got in touch with the show. Fay's dad? Yes. He says... Oh, no. Did you not go home last night? Breaking news from Fay's dad.

He's just sent us... Fay is our assistant producer. I can't believe we got that. Oh, no. Did you not go home last night? Breaking news from Faye's dad. Faye is our assistant producer. I can't believe we got that. Well, what if it's really terrible news? It's the only way he could get in touch. He's got a phone off. Oh, no, the cat's been obliterated in a propeller. No, he forwarded an interest, or sent a link, I should say, to an interesting article about toilets no longer emptying onto the tracks as of I believe

it's 2019 this year that this is happening. That'll be something Faiz Dad had in his toilet article scrapbook. She was telling us about it. So it did happen, but it no longer does. It only stopped this year. I believe so.

Wow. But you don't see it on the track, as we keep saying. Well, I believe it empties not at platforms. I believe it enters as the train is moving. Oh, I see. So if you was to walk the track, it would be an unhygienic journey indeed. This is the reason for it. I mean, there's a quote here from someone saying...

They say it's leaves on the track, but now... Yeah, we know. Someone has said a quote, it's disgusting. I've been out there with the track workers and you see it coming like a plume of steam. It's totally unacceptable. What? Oh, dear.

In 2019, people are just firing this stuff out of plan Can I just say wonderful use of plume Why don't yeah Pum I would have called it

Why don't they get to the station and they It's like when I was on a train and we just left King's Cross and the woman said

would you like some breakfast and I said I'll just have poached egg on toast please and she said we don't have any bread. I said, we've just left one of the world's great cities.

And she said, yeah, but we can't just go off and get bread. Yeah, they can't pop to the shops if they're in Catering. But somebody could. They'd load up, wouldn't they? I know, I don't like that. I think it's like a calf when you see one of the waiters walking with eight pints of milk or something. Yes. Al, I actually

I lose confidence so quickly in the entire operation. I don't want to see I'm happy to eat the bacon sandwich, I don't want to see any activity involved in the pig becoming deceased. Do you understand? No, but I

remember Kath asking for mango once in an Indian restaurant and the waiter said, no, we don't have mango. And then I saw the manager talking to him and then the waiter left in like a blue car coat and came back in with a little plastic bag with mangoes. And I think that's great service.

That is good. We were leaving, as I say again, we were leaving, it's the beginning of the journey, King's Cross. I think that's great service that is good we were leaving as I say again we were leaving it's the beginning of the journey King's Cross I think maybe we should get some bread

for the journey to Scotland no we won't need bread why would anyone want that that sort of obscure very avant-garde

dish can I just tell you no don't because the producers oh sorry is the face gone shut the head

it's actually pinching me on that fleshy bit under my armpit to make me shut up. It bruises, you know? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On our Absolute Radio radio station, which not everyone I know is listening to

because some listen on 80s, 90s. We played Don't Stop Me Now. Just. The thing about that one is they call me Mr. Fahrenheit. Yeah. Who calls him that?

I always imagined that Freddie had a few mates at the meteorological office. He, yes. He used to meet for drinks, and they called him. They would call things like Mr. Rain, who worked there from... He's an old man. Old man who worked there from the beginning. But it was like Mr. High Pressure Front and stuff like that.

Because I think they were quite... Were they sort of academics, Queen? Did they do astronomy and stuff? I think they were quite... Were they sort of academics, Queen? Did they do astronomy and stuff? Well, they were very... Brian May's academic, is he? Oh, he loves the planets and things. He loves it. Hedgehogs he loves, does he?

Is it hedgehogs with him or is it something else? Peter Dobson looks wonderful. Oh. Do you know what? They might be my favourite celebrity couple. Really? I absolutely love them. Okay.

I could be quite a nice friend for theirs. They've stayed together. I think Mr. Fahrenheit might have been more, that was a sort of slightly sneery name, more sort of like,

because he was always complaining about the temperature. Oh, here he comes, Mr. Fahrenheit. Oh, really? Do you think? I thought it was because he was on a crazy night out

and he was so hot to the touch, they called him. But they don't establish what Fahrenheit he is. He could be. Anyway. Anyway, nevertheless. Hey, we've had an email crazy night out and he was so hot to the touch they called him but they don't establish what Fahrenheit he is he could be anyway nevertheless

hey we've had an email that's made me think there's a Frank Skinner imposter doing the rounds please can I say a massive thank you

to Frank for being absolute gentleman on Sunday that's not it brackets his York show he waited with my wife even guiding

me on her phone to his location I remember i was lost and posed for a photo when i eventually found them all whilst his entourage were telling him to get in the car it finishes in the car it finishes great show guys frank is a true national treasure now there's a lot i agree with in there but the idea that you can give directions to anybody sounds preposterous. I know, I think that's an exaggeration. But that's why I waited more than any other reason.

She said my husband really wants a photo with you but he's got lost, he can't find his way to the stage door and I thought, oh that, welcome to my world. So I did, I waited for him. Eventually he turned up at the end of the road holding the phone which i've done with kath so many times and she's guided me down instagram boyfriend can i

just say also i like the idea of the entourage a bit i'm imagining sort of elvis's mates urging you to get into the car exactly are there this is the, speaking of the, when people give you directions on the phone, do you know the classic trope of something happens to the pilots of a plane? Maybe they're falling out the window while cleaning the windscreen or something. And a passenger gets it and the air traffic control talk them down. Yeah. And they say there's a button on the left

and all that you can't get in the cabin now so if anything happens to the pilots that isn't a plan B anymore

I think they've got one of those hand held remote control gadget things back at base have they they can bring it

down like that yeah it's like a emergency brake glasses. The only time you see people using remotes in a film, they're on a pond. You know what I mean? They're in a lovely London park

and they're moving a boat across the water. But maybe it would work with the plane. But it's true. No one will ever be talked down again on a plane. These we have loved. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. again on a plane. These we have loved. There's a news story this week about none other than Celine Dion, whose work I'm aware of,

and the rapper Drake, whose work I'm less aware of, but I, you know, I know he's a media presence. Anyway, Celine Dion, according to the newspapers this week, is begging Drac to think twice about getting a tattoo of her face. Yeah, interesting. They've done a pun with think twice, because that was her song. Maybe think twice. I didn't know that. They've reeled you in. It's a pun with Think Twice, because that was her song. Maybe Think Twice.

I didn't know that. They've reeled you in. It's a pun. I thought she'd actually said Think Twice. I didn't get it either. I mean, who'd do a pun on a song lyric? I suppose she's worried that tattoos, you know, they last forever. You know, the art does go on.

Yes. Oh, lovely, Frank. He's even competitive with the headline writer on the tabloid. That's why he's on the big books, that sort of stuff. I always, yeah. You're not wrong. What about, you see,

are you familiar with Drake, Frank? Can I just establish? I'll tell you, I saw Drake twerking with someone, I think. Bit of gossip. But the Brits, I was there. I know, because I was there. Was it Riri? Was it Rihanna, I think, yeah.

Dated, I believe. She'd be better off saying her prayers. Liana. She's the most scantily clad, the most no faith in the material. Yes. Of the female superstars. Yeah.

You know, she's got a lovely voice. I know, Linda, how lovely he is. Just trust your lovely voice. You don't have to. Yeah. Anyway. Do you know what line bling, Frank? Which is not a million miles from Celine Dion's point

that she's saying to Drake, hey, the face isn't the... She actually said my face isn't my moneymaker or something. Yeah, but it's so hard to get an accurate representation of her vocal cords on a tattoo. Good point. I liked how... I liked Celine's reasoning.

Yeah. Which is skin ages, she said, and she doesn't want her face to look all wrinkled as his skin ages. Is that what she said? I thought that was... She's quite a funny one, I like her. She said she's quite old, so if there's

a cold winter, he could just wait and have her actual face. The other thing is that she, I think she is the classic why the long face. Yes. She is the gherkins at the jar with a chin celebrity. And maybe he's got very thin forearms and he thinks, oh God, I can't think of anyone who'll go on now.

Hold on. Right. But then I think that's an example of someone who has got a lot of faith in the material. I'm not sure of a few, Bob. Hasn't gone for the fixeroo. No, God bless her. Respect. But it might be that he's thinking...

Respect to Mondo and God bless her. Respect for the non-fixeroo. He might be thinking, in an ideal world, I would have put Emma Bonten's face on here, but I don't have the width. Wow. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Absol Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Just to interject on the Celine Dion and Drake news. Oh, yes. Just briefly going to skip across. Hi, Mr Skinner and team. They have flamingos at Twycross Zoo. If you drive past slowly on the A444,

you can clearly see them through the fence for free. Yours truly, Angela. Just going to write that down, A444. Where I live, they have pink bin bags at one road and some mornings, if the necks have been knotted correctly, it looks as if flamingos are hodling under a local garage. I'm going to get those pink bin bags. I love pink.

Pink bin bags. Oh, by the way, when we're talking about animatronics, we've just bookmarked Celine Dion. I was an animatronic parrot. Did you know that? I did a pilot for a thing called Woodcock set on a pirate ship with Prunella Scales and Imelda Staunton.

And I played... Is this a fib? No, no, this is one of his... I work with Ian Fleming as his clean room. Very difficult to separate out. And I played an animatronic parrot on the pirate ship. And when I got there, there were parrot on the pirate ship.

When I got there, there were two professional puppeteers. And you sit in this big harness thing. And I said, well, if I'm going to do the voice, I want to operate the parrot as well. So I had two big... I looked like something from a sci-fi movie. I'm strapped in this thing. And I can make the parrot sort of tilt its head and open its beak and all that,

so I operated it. Okay. The reason they got me, have a guess why I was cast as the parrot. It's to do with my accent. Is it Jasper Carrot? It's Jasper Parrot was the name of the thing. Oh.

I thought this was one of your funny lies. No, no, this is absolutely... Did you? I was still waiting for the... Occasionally his real life is so ridiculous. When we say lie, Frank Sinner is one of the most honest to a fault sometimes. When I say lie, we mean he likes a fantastical embellishment. Like a flight of fancy. Improv. Flight of fancy. I honestly thought when I joined the show,

that story you tell about that game of baseball, I genuinely thought that that was a Flight of Fantasy, that it was like a fever dream. But that's one of the real ones. Yeah, that's... Amazing. Now, it sounds like I make stuff up there. You'll know if I'm...

No, we've just established that. I gave you a very lovely sort of Oscar-worthy tribute. I know, but people often think I'm making stuff up, which I'm not. I think you're referring to things like the fact that I invented the name Gap. Exactly. I think these things you do know. Now on the head, though. And what was the Ian Fleming one again?

My mother was the cleaner at Goldeneye. Yes. His Caribbeanye. Yes. OK. It's his Caribbean home. Yes. Yeah, but other than that, I... Well, it is hard, though, sometimes to tell the difference because you will start stories saying,

well, when I was over at the Archbishop of Canterbury's last week, and it's true. Yeah, well, there you go, you see. Anyway, I was an animatronic parrot in the pilot Woodcock. And Prunella Scales played the captain of the ship who had a beard. And I saw her. I saw her at an opening night two weeks. And I said, Prunella, I have to be honest with you.

I never was quite sure whether you were supposed to be a woman captain who wore a beard, who wore a false beard, or whether you were actually playing a man. She said, well, neither was I, darling. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Drake.

Drake. And Celine Dion. And the tattoo. And he's said, he hasn't done it yet, but he's suggested he wants to add Celine to his collection. Now, when we say his collection, Drake has 35 tattoos. Of people. I would say probably at least 50 to 60% of these are of human beings.

Do you want to hear a selection? Oh, yes. We have Lil Wayne on his upper arm. Okay. We have his father's prison mugshot. Oh. I'm sure they were nicer photos. Yeah, I bet his dad said, why did you use that one?

Oh, I look terrible. I look my collars out. He's got glasses on in it as well he might have taken his glasses off no that's harsh he has a bottle of Dracar Noir aftershave because it sounds similar to his name

Dracar isn't it babyish is he doing swaps for the M&S I'm the same I've got a massive cockerel tattooed across my back. Oh, yeah. His surname's Cochran. It's OK.

We all held our breath. We all. I'd realised that. I had. Sade. That's a good one. That's a good one. That is a, yeah.

The CN Tower in Toronto. Now he's Canadian though, isn't he? So what? I mean, I'm from London. I have a post office tower down my spine. I wouldn't mind the post office tower. Not on my spine, man. Sorry, everyone.

Absolutely repulsive. Absolutely repulsive, of course, is our new station. Rihanna eating ice cream on his left bicep. Wow, I mean, is he our showbiz correspondent, Drake? It's sort of sweet in a way, isn't it? It's like a modern version of the Bayeux Tapestry. He is. Oh, you've got it at one.

416 is area code, in case he forgets it. Is it? No. Yeah, I'm going to get 0208. But he might move. 0208. 416 is area code in case he forgets it is it? no yeah I'm going to get 0208 but he might move 0208 he'll just cross it out he'll just get another tattoo

this is what I don't see you can get cover up I met a man who'd had me tattooed on his chest did you? and he said yeah and he was a good

looked like me and he said yeah you're next to my ex-wife and I said have you learnt nothing about the perils of commitment. And he said, yeah, you're next to my ex-wife. And I said, have you learned nothing about the perils of commitment here? And he said, I keep what you might call an inky diary, so I like to have a record of people from my past and stuff like that.

Is he still in prison? No, he works on the waltzes. Okay. A portrait of his uncle Steve. Yeah. Drake's uncle Steve. Yeah. Cool.

You could have our Keith, Frank. I'd be happy with that. His grandma Evelyn, his mother. I was thinking that... Denzel Washington with a trumpet. Okay. That's true. It's Denzel Washington with a trumpet.

I was thinking that Celine was fairly random but not at all is it on here he also has several owls

snap I knew I was going to have the same tattoos as him eventually three I don't know if they're ring bearing

as it were three unidentified portraits the Beatles crossing Abbey Road. I believe that's a boastful reference, because sometimes they boast the rappers, to him breaking the Beatles records.

Oh, is it? What record did he break? He sold more than the Beatles. Oh, they sold? I mean, over 150 million. I like the idea of three unidentified portraits. What is this? Like missing people?

They were just... Like the milk cartons? No, what it was, was it was an apprentice tattooist and the likeness wasn't good enough. Oh, I see. They could just be anyone. Yeah. Well, one might be Robin Givens, Mike Tyson's ex-partner.

Oh, well, of course, Mike Tyson, you know, he's got Chairman Mao, Che Guevara, he's gone very sort of real gravitas. I think he's got an ex-wife as well on there, mind you. They do go for the wives. They've learnt nothing. But he's gone for the big, you know, the big scary...

What's that film with Robert Cape for you? Oh, yes. He's gone for that kind of get in prison and get some scary things. Of course, can I just say, Drake has missed the most obvious tattoo that he should have got. Never mind Dracar Noir. What about Charlie Drake? Yes.

Oh, yes. Charlie Drake on your chest. Well, of course, I haven't been able to wear a crop top for about three weeks. My Prince Andrew on my Put the music on! Hurry! Hurry! Play it!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank just briefly we've put something up on our socials this morning which I'd just like to explain. Oh, yeah. I was in Devon recently at the Appledore Book Festival. Oh, never heard of that.

Nice. Well, you have now. Oh, please, go to Appledore. Will do. Oh, it's fabulous. I was invited by Jeremy Vine, I think he's the patron or something. Jeremy Vine, Appledore. It's very fruit, basically. It's very fruity. I think he's the patron. Jeremy Vine Appledore. Very, very fruit. It's very fruity.

I think he's the patron. It's absolutely beautiful there. Anyway, while I was there, I'd been invited to the Chocolatiers. It's that sort of beautiful painted fisherman cottage town. Okay. And horrible people like me are moving in probably. But it's still got that untouched, unspoiled element.

Anyway, the chocolatiers, they invited me to have a look. I went in. I thought I'd be getting the red carpet treatment. They go, she's here. They didn't. I walked in. They went, oh, hello. I said, oh, yeah, I was told to come in.

They went, oh, OK. Oh, no. Oh, no. But I thought I'd better buy something while I was there. So I found these. They're called, Do you want to read out what it says? Oh, well, let me just put on my spectacles. OK, everybody. Oh, grumpy old gitmints.

Yeah, I thought they'd be nice for you. Well, I eat a great many mints. I don't know if you're aware of that. You know what's happening in the tour car? Yeah. Almar, the tour manager. You know when you get that thing in the car, that weird elasticated webbing that you get in cars and on the backs of plane seats?

Oh, I hate it. I hate it. When I get in the car, there are four packets of extra strong mints in the side webbing. Four? So I can just reach, yeah. Oh, Al, I love an ESM.

Oh, God, yeah. So anyway, I've got you these mints. Oh, lovely. And I can refill that tin. Well, you can refill it because I've got the confession to make. That's nice. I started eating them.

Excellent. You did what? So I'm going to hand them over. There you go. Thank you. Okay, there you go. Does that mean... They are lovely.

By proxy, does that go. They are lovely. By proxy, does that mean that you are also a grumpy old git if you're eating the grumpy old git mints? I am now. It's not like the Hulk where my jeans started ripping and I started saying odd things to people like, why don't you rework that sound of music? Also, I can put some of my ibuprofen in there. That's a good idea.

We can put a little bit of Russian roulette in the tour car. On the way there. So, it's, yeah. By the way, if you've had a tattoo that you regret, why don't you tell us what it was on 8-12-15, I'd like to know that.

I went out with a woman who had a revolver, for example, tattooed when she was about 17. And then she had several processes trying to get it removed, but you could still see ghost revolver. All right. I think she felt it didn't give the message that she... Who do you think the unidentified portraits are on Drake's body?

I mean, that would be... Who would you most like it to be? Arge. If Arge was one. I quite like the actress who played Grokbags, who's no longer with us. Yeah, that would be a good one. And Paul Coyer, the former Scottish TV presenter.

Wincy Willis. Wincy Willis would be... Oh, come on. What are you talking about, Willis. Wincy Willis would be... Oh, come on. No, I still hear people... What are you talking about, Willis? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I wonder what Drake's passions are apart from music. He likes ladies. Well, yeah, but he can't... You can't get loads of tattoos of ladies. No, no. People used to, didn't they? What did she do, guys?

He made all his money. money well not all his money this man sold 150 million records however yeah that's a lot you know what's good for the drake um he's good for the rihanna he should have got i mean i would say hotline bling that was what broke drake yeah well yeah is he broken yeah he should have had a phone of some sort okay given that that's the symbol although he likes the owls he thinks owls are spiritual and can i just say he follows the he follows the nazarene raised a catholic was he really raised a catholic and the father i think he's very you was the i think he was something like played the piano or was a drummer for Jerry Lee Lewis. Yeah.

Okay. And he was in prison, of course, we know from the tattoo. Yeah. He played for Jerry Lee Lewis. What a guy. Loving Drake. I mean, I'm not prepared to listen to his music, but I think I can admire him from afar.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I can't help but admire him from afar. What about Debbie Thompson, Al, in Banger, County Down? What about her? My sympathies over your fall, Frank. I fell down the steps in front of hundreds of people during a Jules Holland gig in the Waterfront Hall in Belfast. Very slippery wooden steps and I had precarious high-wedged boots. Oh, that's an accident waiting to happen. I will forever refer to it as my Waterfront Fall.

A bit like Watergate. So I think you should give it more of a name. Mm-hm. I like... Well, I think Stairgate is perfect. I know, but Stairgate could happen any time, is what I'm saying. Yes. I like, well, I think Stairgate is perfect. I know, but Stairgate could happen any time is what I'm saying. Yes. I like to specify. I like the idea that one of Jules Holland's band

ran over to a sister in black Doc Martin boots, jeans, a pinstripe jacket, earring. Maybe some spats. Yeah. Kangol hat backwards. Yeah. I like to think, Al, that Jules was carrying on regardless with his boogie woogie.

Oh, yeah. Oh, relentless. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. He had a black shirt underneath the pinstripe. OK? I'm thinking T-shirt underneath the pinstripe. We were also discussing sort of music news, I suppose, with Drake, the rapper.

Drake. Who's been pondering getting a tattoo of Celine Dion's face on his body. Bit of breaking news, Celine Dion has said that she's going to flip the whole thing and get a tattoo of Drake's body on her face. Oh, no, she's gone too far. Yeah. The face tattoos. Oh, no, she's gone too far.

Yeah. The face tattoos. I knew a guy and his brother had on his forehead death to all skinheads that he'd had done in the late 60s. Oh, he could have got something nice in there. He wasn't to know that so many people would be bald these days. I know, but I mean, it wasn't even like it was revealed when his hair, I don't know if his hair did go, I mean, it was there to be seen. Well, also, that would have been tricky for you

because you were a fan of the skinhead escapes series. I know, and also I think there are social implications of going around at the time with death to all skin. Yeah. I mean, it could have led to an altercation. Was it written so that the person that you're looking at could read it rather than he could read it in a mirror was it, you know like ambulance

on the front of an ambulance I guess it was just written as death to all skinheads I have to say I'm interested that you mention that because I've been thinking about that quite a lot because I've got a pair of Pringle

socks and when I put them on I've been thinking about that quite a lot just lately because I've got a pair of Pringle socks. Right. And when I put them on, I don't know if you're aware of Pringle socks, but the Pringle is only on one side of the sock. Oh, yeah. So there is no guidance in the packaging as to whether you're supposed to face each other

for comfort and security or whether you're supposed to face each other for, you know, for comfort and security, or whether you're showing to the world. Yeah. I wonder which it would be, given what the brand would prefer. You advertising the fact that you're wearing their socks or the security element that you refer to? Well, I wear them facing out. Do you?

I do. What about you, Al? I mix it up out do you i do what about you al i i mix it up it depends really on what my hand hits first because i don't care oh god you don't care i was reminded the other day i saw somebody that i hadn't seen for years and they reminded me of an old bit of my stand-up where i used to discuss wearing odd socks but not odd socks that were too wide apart in thickness and i used to say, you can't wear a really thin sock with a really thick sock. They have to be of a similar ply. Yes.

And I'd completely forgotten it. And now I very rarely wear odd socks. I won't wear an odd sock. It looks like an affectation. Listening to you men talking about fashion all day. Honestly. Doing my head in. If you wear a ring,

say you've got a ring with an initial on is the initial to the world or is it to you well you said Del Boy what do you mean

you know what I mean so is it is it like so when they look at your hand if you hold your fist out they'd read it or do you like it

when you look at your hand I've got a rosary ring on and the cross combine harvester and the cross is facing me you see when I look at it

well Frank you're right if you had a necklace for example with Frank on it or F would that be for the benefit of the world what we're talking about here is the nurses watch question

is do you wear it for the world or do you wear it for the world or do you wear it for you? Yeah. I was talking to, when I used to do like fitness things about a year ago, I was speaking to my instructor and I said,

that's an unusual slogan on your T-shirt. And she said, what is it? I've never read it. I thought, what? It could be anything. Could be death to all skinheads. Maybe the T-shirt design should be upside down so that the wearer can look down and see them.

What about that for a theory? Can we just say... Might not look as good, but yeah, good point. I think it would look as good to you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you know Drake is credited with inventing the phrase YOLO What? The phrase or the initial

Oh sorry it's an acronym I do apologise You only live once He did the YOLO thing He's an absolute mind of information. He is, yeah. Well, I think the Catholic thing has swung at girls.

Oh, he definitely got a promotion in Frank's eyes when Ross found out that he was a cradle Catholic. I might have a listen to Drake Essentials on Apple Music. Start with Anna when the heartland bling. You'll love that one, Frank.

I don't know if I can listen to a song with bling in the words, but we'll give it a try. Oh, I know what you can listen to. I've got it. God's Plan. Just dropped. What? God's Plan. Absolute banger. It's just dropped. Okay, I'm going to investigate Drake. I'll keep you posted.

Okay. I'll bet I said that about his dad. As an atheist slash agnost, somewhat sceptical, secular atheist, am I allowed to listen to God's plan? I don't see why you should. I listen to Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter for almost 12 seconds. Al, you can listen to it, but just watch the video.

Don't listen to the lyrics. Oh, OK, that sounds good. OK, can I just say something, Al? We put up a picture of the grumpy old gitmints I bought for Frank. Gits, M-I-N-T-S. And Jason... C-E.

Grumpy old gitmints. We could get back onto me going on about That's M-I-N-T-S. And Jason... C-E. Can we all get mints? We could get back onto me going on about shepherd's pie and why it ought to be mashed potato. Also, how horrible would that be? I got back from Devon last Monday. Yeah. Well, it's slightly M purples at the outer section. Mints.

No, it's mints. Jason Sheff, who's one of our regulars, has got in touch. Oh, yeah. He said it should say in small print, although grumpy old get mince, not for sharing. Oh, nice. I like that, Jason Sheff. But sharing, of course, is caring.

That's what they reckon. Don't ever forget that. There we go. Depends. It's not if it's at SDI, obviously. That's a extraordinary thing to say. Well, it's not SDI. Is that the right word? It can be.

Anyway, it can be. S-T-D, you mean, but I don't want to keep talking about it. What do you mean? I did not mean that. I would never say that. Get out. That's such an old man's thing to get the... I'm so out of date on that arena of life. Yeah, I guess.

Go and listen to God's plan. What the STI does stand for something? Is it dialing tone or something like that? What's that, darling? Oh, never mind. Oh, yes. So I'm just rambling there to myself. You're there, you're there, Marjorie.

Marjorie died in the 80s. Leave him. Frank, you were talking about part works this morning. I was. Rob has got in touch to say, hi Frank, Emily and Alan, we part works. There was once a magazine called Mathematical Pie

for children. Oh yeah. P-I-E. And was once a magazine called Mathematical Pi for Children. Oh, yeah. P-I-E. And you got a slice every week. It's quite a nice pun, really, isn't it, as well? Yeah. For many years, it printed digits from the infinite decimal representation

of the mathematical number pi, P-I. Of course it did. Well, it's, what is it, 3.7? Oh, I can't quite remember. Oh, and then it carries on. Do you build a 3D Lego pie symbol? 3.14, I think it is. 3.147 blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Recurring. Yeah, yeah. Okay. This seemed like the ultimate tie-in for a part work. Anyway, in one issue, they announced they'd made a mistake several issues earlier. Oh, no! So the entire concept was dropped. Oh, wow.

Yes. Living proof that you cannot have your pie and eat it. I know, I know. Well, that's it. I don't think I'd have bought that one, but I like the fact that it exists. Yes, I do as well. We've also had a bit of update about pilots cleaning their aircraft windows. It's not a euphemism, by the way.

No. This is something I saw on the way to Dublin. Yeah. Frank saw a pilot lean out and basically take a bit of kitchen roll to the screen. Yeah. Not during flight. No. Did he have a chamois?

He looked like it was just a bit of old something he'd picked up. It didn't look like he was, you know, looking at tissue or something. I mean, if people are going to get annoyed

about the environmental impact of the wet wipe that he used, they should remember that he's a pilot. Exactly. The picture is on our Instagram,

so have a look. You can make it bigger as they say. 477 has texted. I haven't said that for a long time. Mr Skinner. I wouldn long time. Mr Skinner. I haven't said.

Mr Skinner. It is perfectly normal for pilots of low-cost airlines to lean out the window and clean the screen. Very short turnaround times makes it impractical to call the maintenance team to do this kind of job. Happy flying. Brian Smith, captain. Oh, hi, Brian.

I like that. Happy flying is a good send-off yeah oh brian you're nearly as good as what about when i was on a plane he said hi i'm your captain ken royale great captain name but what i like is he hasn't said captain brian smith he said brian smith captain it's great always end on the key word. That's my experience. What else we got? Well, we've also got someone who said, Hi, Frank. This is from 882. Over recent years, you appear to have adopted the walking posture of a vicar.

Classic, head down, clasped hands behind back, pensive in thought. Just an observation, nosy Hampstead resident. Oh, wow. Wow. This is one of my neighbours then, identifying my body language. Dee Baddiel. By the way, you know, I've never read an Ian McEwan book. Oh, I highly recommend.

Well, I've been sent his new novel. Yes. No, it's a novella. Oh, can we do it as a book club, guys? No, I'll never do a book club again. Oh, yeah.

I did one with my family and oh my God, the tension. Ours went well, but anyway. Yeah, so it's called The Cockroach and it sounds like

it's a Brexit novella. I heard him discussing it the other day. I don't know if this is the place to start with Ian McEwan, but everyone keeps saying to me, you should read to Ian McEwan, so here we are. Yeah.

Okay. Here we are, I'm going to go for it. I think that's a good one. Come on. Okay, so... You haven't answered the vicar question. Why do you look like a vicar? I don't think...

Do I walk like that? Yes. I don't know how I walk. I don't think about how I walk. I'm thinking about stuff when I'm walking. There you go, like a vicar. Yeah, lost in thought. Like a vicar.

Touch for the very first time. Maybe not even that. Oh, Fleabag. Yeah. He was a priest, can I say that? If it had been a vicar, it wouldn't have even been a big story like it. I don't understand.

What a difference. They are celibates. Priests. So obviously then the relationship becomes more complicated. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.