The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Questions About Chairs

Episode Date: June 17, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun talk about Cher's upcoming musical. The team also discuss wake up calls, Robbie Williams' celebrity tattoos and email corner makes a comeback!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner and I am on a radio show with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran it turns out. Sorry, I just woke up. You can text the show on 81215. 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a tweet from Nugget already saying, where's Funtime Frankie's knighthood? Come on! No, I don't think that's going to happen. Why?

That's the trouble with your secret charity. Not done for ego reasons. What do you think? Can I hear? Can I hear? Alan, I can't. You know why? You know why I didn't have your fader up? You didn't turn me up? I'll be honest with you.

That's something that... You sound miles away. Oh, the whole show. I can only apologise. That's something that naughty DJs sometimes do. Do they? You would never do that, Frank. He's just done it.

No, he did it inadvertently. Oh, right. But if you said something he didn't like or agree with, he'd be his white snake and just fade you out. Mic down. That'll teach you. I think the days of DJ saying he's white snake are over forever. We've moved on.

You might be saying it in an hour on a decade station. Watch out. I wonder, as this is a breakfast show, I feel there's... I've got a food chat sense coming up here. No. As it's a breakfast show, it's something I...

I was in a hotel this week. Oh, dear. Now, this hadn't really struck me before, but when I went up to reception, the woman said to me, do you want a wake-up call? And I thought... Well, I didn't say yes in case she said,

I think you're a bit overindulgent on your radio show. Maybe she was hitting on you, Frank. No, what? What the hell? She might have been. Do you want a wake-up call? Me? Yeah. No, I don't. I might use that chat.

It was far too much acrylic. Okay. She, I think they asked that, but does anyone in the age of the smartphone, does anyone actually have a wake-up call anymore? Well, I do. Do you? Do you? Sometimes, when I've been in a hotel,

I think I like the sense of someone else taking responsibility for it. That's what I don't like. I still have the phone on, but I like the sense of, it's like a human being. It just eases me gently into the morning. Oh, well, if you still have the phone on, that's not fair. That doesn't count. No, it's like a human being. It just eases me gently into the morning. Oh, well, if you still have the phone on, that's not fair. That doesn't count. No, it's my emergency strategy. I wouldn't solely

rely on that. No, there's no way in the world I would trust them to give me a wake-up call. And when they call, because I haven't done a wake-up call for ages. Since the smartphone was so popular. No, they've got it. Well, I think given that it's free, Alan, you should appreciate this if I'm on it. It's totally free. They offer it to given that it's free, Alan, you should appreciate this if I'm honest.

It's totally free. They offer it to you. Why not? Can I ask you, I can't remember. When you get it, is it live? Is it a person? This is very Star Trek. What is this water flowing from your eyes? I'm some weird alien.

But is it a person saying, oh, good morning, this is your wake-up call? Or is it Anna Nova? Well, that depends on your quality of hotel. So I would say at the lower end of the chain, it's probably just that, as you've described. But if I'm lucky enough to stay in a nice hotel, which I have been, it's a nice man. Oh, so it's a personal service? Yes.

No. Anyway, I was... Didn't I tell you about the time I did a show called The Bubble? Yes. Where I was locked away for three days. With no phones, no computers, nothing. We were not allowed to know what was going on in the world. And there was a runner who made sure we didn't cheat,

didn't sneak out the house and look through someone's window with a television or something like that. And on the last day, he said, we've all got to set off to London today to do the actual show. And he said, can you all be up for, you know, we need to leave at blah, blah. And I said, well, the thing is, how am I going to... How will you get up?

How will I know how to get up? He took my phone away. I was all at sea. And he said, well, I've got to go into town today. I'll get you an alarm clock. Excellent. I thought, result, I'll keep that. You know, I'll have an extra alarm clock in the house. And anyway, he went out. He was gone. He was gone all day. So in the end, I went to bed.

And I thought, I don't know what's going to happen now. Did you wake up? But what happened is a knock on the door at 8 o'clock. Oh. I opened the door. It was him. And he handed me the alarm clock. It's the strangest alarm call I have ever had in my life.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, I knew a man and he... Congratulations. Every time he checked into a hotel room, he would... You know when you get a robe hanging in the bathroom? Do I know? It's my reason for checking into the hotel. Well, he would...

As soon as he got into his room, he'd take the robe and put it in the bottom of his bag. And then he would phone downstairs and say, I don't have a robe. Outrageous. Do you think David Baddiel would want people to be saying this on air? No, so this guy was, I can't, I shouldn't say what his job was, but he toured.

He wasn't a performer. He was part of a touring troupe. Sounds like a crew, yeah. He was in the circus, strong man maybe, a troupe. And at the end of, He wouldn't do it. I think he did it most of the time, but he had to be careful he hadn't done it there. I think he said he ended up with 17 robes.

Goodness. That's a business. Yeah. That's a football team plus subs. I won't say his name, but let's call him Pierre for the sake of it. OK. I love that.

Robes, Pierre. Yes, I liked it. Right. for the sake of it. I love that. Robes, Pierre. Yes, I liked it. But I said, well, do you sell them?

He said, no, no, I just wear... Whenever I'm at home, I just wear a robe always. And it felt like a strange sort of obsession to me. You don't need that many robes. Also, if I had a robe, I'd just wash my hands all the time. Yeah. Wouldn't you? Because you're basically a towel. You're a walking towel.

That's what you are. Well, another good thing to do when you get to a hotel is to complain about the room the minute you get there. Is it? Well, you've checked in at this point, so you're a problem. You've checked in. You've looked up.

You're with a footballer. You're a problem, and they want to sort this problem, really. So they will always upgrade you. I promise. Yes, I know. It happens to me. I try it all the time.

Just complain, and then if they say no, just say, well, is Frank Skinner staying here? And if they say, I think say well is frank skinner staying here and if they say you know i think you'd upgrade his room then i'll have his room thank you well i um i went out with a a lady who was the best complainer or the worst complainer whichever way you want to look at it of all time and when we checked into a hotel room i didn't even bother taking my coat off i knew this would not be the first one would not be the hotel room, I didn't even bother taking my coat off. I knew this would not be,

the first one would not be the hotel room. Well, what she missed was you've got to do it with charm. Do it with a smile on your face. She did it with, it was the iron fist in the velvet glove. Oh, was it? Okay. Oh, good. On a good night.

That's when it was in the luggage. She was a woman, I've definitely told you this, who complained about someone's meal on an adjoining table on their behalf. She heard them talking and the woman said, this is a bit cold, this steak. And the bloke said, do you want to complain? She said, no, no, it'll be fine, I'll manage.

And she complained instead. Brilliant. She said, excuse me, but that lady's steak isn't warm enough. She's a handy person to have in your back pocket. Oh, man. Anyway, what I'd like to do today is introduce sort of a feature. Oh, yeah. As soon as I've said it, of course, the producers put a thing to say move on.

Can you believe it? It's very anti feature on it they're worried we're going to tread on the toes of the breakfast show which is a feature fest

they do a lot of features oh man their feature more feature I'll be honest I think their feature heavy

but my feature has been strangled we can come back to your feature and I for one would love to. I hate to delay a feature, though. It's nice to trail a feature, though. Well, just do the feature quickly, Frank.

No, no, you can't do a feature quickly. Did you never listen to that? What was that one that Simon Bates did? Whoa! Well, that takes a while. Yeah. He never did. He never sort of went...

He came around. Susan and Alan, it was doing really well. And then his spine fell off. I've got to make an apology in a minute as well. You've got to make an apology? Well, we've got so many teasers on the go. Let's move on. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a few bits to get through on the agenda. Four bits, I think. I know that was Bernie Winter's dog. There was my apology. And what's your apology for?

My apology is to Mark Eyre, a hotelier, who's just tweeted us to say, Emily, thanks for making all the hoteliers' jobs harder today. Genuine complaints only, please. Now, I'm a woman who's willing to learn from her mistakes, and I apologise, Mark. I think you're right. That was silly of me.

But at least he'll have less robes to wash after what I said. Yeah, true. Yeah, this is true. People will be stealing them left, right and centre. I imagine that you'll see people out on the street now in rob said. Yeah, true. Yeah, this is true. People will be stealing them left, right and centre. I imagine that you'll see people out on the street and they're in robes. Yeah. We've already discussed on this show, Frank,

you pointed out to me how the folly of falling asleep in a robe because the belt eats into the stomach. I actually said road. I was talking about my drinking days. Oh, the differences in our lives. No, it is the knotted. The knot wakes you up in the night. It does. I think it was my drinking days. Oh, the differences in our lives. No, it is the knotted... The knot wakes you up in the night.

It does. I think it was the knot anyway. Yeah. Oh, come on, girls. And then you had some other business, Frank. Yes, my feature. Do you know what they have features? What was that thing called?

No, no, no, no. What was that called? Our tune. No, was it called Our Tune? I believe it was Our Tune, yeah. On account of it called our tune? I believe it was our tune, yeah. And there's family. On account of it being our tune. They even give awards for best features on radio shows.

You know what I mean? They don't do the awards. It's like that thing, what does Christian do? Stuff like win your own rent. Right, yeah, yeah. We pay your bills. What's that one? Yeah, we pay your bills, it's called.

Win your own rent. I like win your own rent. That's better. I should do that. Is this kidding? Yeah. It's not as catchy as No, it is. It's a bit low rent

is what it is. Anyway, I can hear Christian saying, no time for win your own rent. The idea of it being your own. With wicks.

No, so, yes, here's my... I don't have... I'm going to have to do the jingle live. Do we have a jingle? I haven't recorded one. No, I don't. I don't have a jingle budget. OK. Questions about chairs.

So I've got some... Questions about chairs, So I've got some... Questions about chairs, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, you had me at questions. So here's the first one. Do people still, in 2017, fully appreciate the swivel chair? Oh. Oh.

See, I was having a discussion with someone who's quite a senior person about this. When you say senior, in what field? Well, he's got people under him

in an office. Oh, I know. You've got to be a pensioner. No. And he said what he does is they have a

certain time in their office in the afternoon. He told me what it was. They all put on piano is they have a certain time in their office in the afternoon. They all put on piano ties and have a boogie. They all do 360 degrees on their office chairs. Excellent. And it is true that

I don't know if you remember, I remember the invention of the swivel chair. Do you? Well, I mean, it feels, I remember the first one I got on, and I went... I just kept going round and round. I'm on one now. And what swivelling do I actually...

I'm going to go 360 degrees. I'm 45. You'll be... Now, I know this is radio, and you can't see it, but I think if I shout, you'll be... The sound will tell you

where I am in the arc. OK. Here it goes. Ah! And I'm back, you see. Very good. What's happened now is I'm back you see what's happened now is I'm being strangled by my own headphone lead I was concerned by that even before it began

it's like that Bond film when he's in the chair all tied up I mean I did see that coming and I thought I could say something but I'll let it play out I was worried about the hips if I'm honest they make them curly so they extend, not hips no, all chairs. But I was very impressed, but I don't think people,

maybe children when they first get on a swivel chair, they live it up, but I think people just sit on them as if they're ordinary chairs. They're paying extra for that swivel, it's not being used. Yeah, and no one really takes advantage of it. The only person I've seen do that in, I don't know if it was this studio, but it was in Absolute Radio, it was Lee Mack once when he was on this show. Oh, did he swivel?

The only person who's fully utilised the swivel. I remember watching, when Rick Wakeman played a multi-keyboard gig, he would stand and it was so, he was screaming for a swivel. Yeah. He'd just go from one to the next. But I don't think even people say swivel chair now.

They say, oh, it's an office chair. That's right. The swivel thing has been demoted. If you're listening now on a swivel chair, I'm going to count to three and I want you all to swivel. Well, does that include us? Yeah. OK.

One, two, three, swivel! Oh, no. See, I really liked it. I really liked it. Oh, dear, my headphones are falling off. Well, I'm going to have to swivel back, otherwise I can't move. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We seem to be running a feat today that you're calling questions about chairs and I'm calling this subsection of it Go Swivel because you're discussing swivel chairs. James has texted, sent from his iPad,

Frank, I'm on a swivel chair now with my feet up on a stool. It's very nice to swivel left to right. Oh, left to right. Do you know what? That was where I went instinctively. Interesting. Yeah. If you swivel right to left, let us know on 8, 12, 15.

I'm just thinking. You can get both sides of this argument. I used to live on the 11th floor. And I'm wishing now that I'd put on the end of all my emails sent from my high pad. Oh, lovely. If only I'd thought of that. Yeah. You could move back in.

I've got a friend who's in Ice Age, and the end of his emails always says, from the set of Ice Age 9, which hasn't, you know, it's a long way off, but I like it. Well, I've got a friend, that's the end of that. OK. I've got a friend whose email signature, I believe it's called, is apologies for brevity on the move, on the iPhone or something. But then sometimes she'll send me a three-page email.

Oh, goodness. It's not always brief. I don't know. Here's a question for you. My personal assistant sent me an email. That's Siri. No, at the beginning of the year, saying, look, I'm going to start putting a kiss

on the end of the email. She says, you know... I like her Simon Cowell approach, beginning it with look as well. start putting a kiss on the end of the emails. She says, you know... I like her Simon Cowell approach, beginning it with look as well. Yeah, she said, I don't know if she'd actually be in it with look. I might have added that. But she said, you know, I'm very fond of you and Kath and Boz, and I think most of my, you know, dealings, we have... The way we'd work before,

and we'd never voiced this, but I knew it, was that we never put kisses on. Unless sometimes if she went like, if it just went slightly personal. So if it just said, you know, by the way, I was your cold, you didn't look very well yesterday, I'd say I'm much better, thanks.

I'd put a kiss on that one, because I thought that's the moment when it's gone a bit personal and not work. But now, so I always have to, so I put a kiss on the end of all my correspondence to her. Now I'm thinking there is a way of putting an automatic kiss because I notice her kiss has got about,

a gap of about three lines. That's what she's done, Frank. Yeah. So she's made it easy. I'm having to labour over an extra character. Who's paying who, for goodness sake? Yeah, the tails wagging the dog. And I don't feel like I've ever been so relieved

to not have staff with this minefield of social mores. I'm very happy to put... But it just suddenly stopped me This is automatic for you I don't think I think anyone in a long term relationship Will agree with this There's something very tragic about

A default kiss This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had various texts about swivel chairs, but before we do those, I would like to read you Stephen from Smethwick's text. Smethwick. About wake-up calls. We were discussing the wake-up call before in the hotel.

I always go for the wake-up call as it's very rare they stick to the oppressive twelfths. Yeah. Is it? That's what he reckons. We should explain, perhaps, that you... Well, I don't believe that in the... You know, an hour is somewhat split an hour into twelfths. Yeah.

They actually split it into sixty. So I don't see why that your alarm should be 10 past or quarter past or half past. So I always set mine for like 7 minutes past. 1 minute past. I got up at 6.09 this morning, for example. Lovely. 6.07 over here. But I would have thought that in hotels

that they did stick to the oppressive 12th. You'd think, wouldn't you? Like if you ask for it. Well, I think you could ask, surely. It shouldn't be for them. Could you say 6.09, please? You'd get, wouldn't you? Like, if you ask for it. Well, I think you could ask, surely. It shouldn't be for them. Could you say, 609, please? You'd get 610. I'm prying it on. I think they would. I think they'd overrule you.

I think the minute you walked out of there, they'd be saying, who does he think he is? The minute you walked in the join. Yeah. So, yes. We've also had a claim, I'm not going to check it, but Imogen in Harrogate says the swivel chair was invented by President Thomas Jefferson.

For real, she adds. Wow. For reals. I like for real. I like Thomas Jefferson next to the words for reals. Yeah, yeah. How do you invent it, though? It's a fusion of history and modernity, isn't it?

I wonder how he invented it, Frank. I reckon he was probably sat in a normal chair and he thought it would be really good if I could move to... I know, but when you're president... I know president was an easier job in those days. Didn't he have better things to do? We hadn't got the nuclear menace to worry about. If you don't mind me calling him that.

Sorry. But I wouldn't have thought he'd have had time to do furniture mechanisms. Brilliant. In the Oval Office. Did he have an Oval Office, Thomas Jefferson? That came later. Yeah, that's been going a while, that Oval Office.

I don't know if the Oval existed as a geometric shape. Do you think he had a round office and that was why he wanted a swivel chair? Yeah, maybe he had pictures of his career in chronological order. And if ever he felt ill, his whole life flashed before him. Well, that's very interesting, now, Imogen.

Yeah, we're not going to fact-check it, are we? We're just going to go with what Imogen's told us. No, we don't fact-check stuff, are we? No, we trust you i i i hate all that you say something you see people googling it hey are you like uh michael gove we've all had enough of experts thank you is that what you're like we can all do without facts thank you um no what was what have they said about the swivel chair anything else did you say that it was invented oh sean has mooted the idea do you think people in the about the swivel chair? Anything else? Did you say? That it was invented... Oh, Sean has mooted the idea.

Do you think people in the Northern Hemisphere swivel left to right and people in Southern Hemisphere swivel right to left? That's very... I like that. I like that a lot. That's very good. I've got another question about chairs,

if you want to hear it. Lovely. Excellent. Are you going to do your jingle again? Two questions about chairs. He's had a remix. He just changes it as he fancies. Keep jingles live.

You're certainly doing that. Do females balance on the back two legs of the chair. You know when you're sitting down and you go right back? I don't think I've ever seen a woman do it. Wow. Would you like me to answer this question? Yes. On behalf of womankind.

Okay, yes. I speak on behalf of womankind on all matters. So I presume you're not talking about a swivel chair, Daddy-O. No, no. I'm talking about a standard four-leg chair. I can't tell you the joy of going... I'm doing it now, I'm simulating. Do you want the answer to that question?

Well, yes, I mean... Well? Have you canvassed womankind? I did a quick poll amongst womankind. I do it all the time. Do you? But I have to have a ledge behind me to hold on to. Frank, what me?

Let's see. We both went the same way there. As tragic as I went there. Big round of applause for the police. Thank you. I have to have a ledge, I'm going to say it again, to keep hold of. That's my little chute.

I need a chute. And I know, Frank, I'm taking the frisson out of it. Yeah. Aren't I? See, it's the last thing I wanted to hear about the female version of going back on the chair is that there's a bit of extra safety and caution involved. So do you use...

In 2017, I wanted to think that they'd become reckless. Well, surely you have some sort of safety mechanism. I mean, you hold on to the desk, do you? A wall, usually. Yeah, a wall will suffice. But I will, I mean, I know I'm taking a risk. I'll go back. I play with the angles.

That's it about that friend of mine. You're such a daredevil. You're like the SAS. He said he didn't know he was going, he got a ball past and he was doing that and he suddenly felt the cold of the wall against the top of his head. But

see, I think men do it. I think it's a sort of a male. Do you know in heraldry you get the lion and the lion rampant. So when it's up on its legs with the two legs at the front. You know like a cowboy publicity shot

when the horse goes right up on the two legs. Well, I like to think the lion is showing his versatility. Yeah. For roles. But it's seen as more, so I think men, you know, it's like the chair is rearing up, if you know what I mean, in an explosion of testosterone, whereas

meanwhile, Emily's white knuckle on a ledge. Not for the first time. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Your choice. Frank, may I congratulate you on your choice of shirt today? Thanks. It's like something out of Kew Gardens. It's one of the best shirts you've ever worn. It's got birds on it.

We should say not in a sort of Benny Hill way. No, it hasn't got dirt on it. It's got, what's their speech, avians? Yeah. It's covered in avians. Yeah. Lovely. Yes.

Now, I'd like to talk about Cher this morning. Have we done the Cher? I know, I just needed to mention it. It's nice to paint word pictures for the... I felt compelled to discuss the shirt with you. Good, it's... I saw... You really found your look.

I saw a clip of about two years ago of Peter Noon at the New Musical Express poll winner's concert. Peter Noon was the lead singer of Herman's Heart, in case you don't know. And he had on suede boots, tight trousers, and

a floral shirt, and that's been the look I've been after ever since. You know, you just see someone, you think that's it. I know the very look you mean. I love it. My dad wasn't a stranger to it in the 70s. Is that right? I'm going to be in my 70s. Anyway.

I want to talk about Cher this morning. Cher? She's 71. Do you say Cher? I say Cher. I say Cher. I like you say Cher. I say Cher. You've got a bit of a syllable.

Oh, fancy. You say Cher. I say Cher. Okay. Okay. Let's call the whole thing 71. Yeah. I'm a fancy you say sure I say sure okay okay let's call the whole thing 71 yeah because she's my age

aspiration is she 71 amazing looking good on it character yeah she's she is an extraordinary character

sure yeah she is and she announced recently there's going to be a musical of her life so this is next year it's going to be a musical of her life. So this is next year. It's going to be divided into three sections called Babe, Lady and Star,

representing the three sections of her life. So, which I think sounds great, even though they do all sound a bit like horses, those names. Yeah, and also Star. I don't know if I'd want to call a section of my musical that. Is it a... It doesn't refer call a section of my musical that. Is it... It doesn't refer to a song called Star or anything. No, because Babe is obviously...

I got you, Babe. I got you, Babe, yeah. What would worry me... Unless you look like a pig when she was one, guys. Maybe, yeah. What would worry me is if an actress of a certain age was auditioning for Lady and then got the call saying,

actually, we'd consider you for Star, that would hurt, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's bad. He wouldn't want that. Although there is an opportunity on behalf of the production. I don't know if the people that are going to make this musical are listening, but if you've got three different shares at different times in their life,

you could call it musical chairs. Oh, musical Chairs. Musical Chairs. And then you could have a Q&A at the end and they could say, Questions about chair. Yeah. Yeah.

Brilliant. All planned out. I bet the producers aren't even listening. I've heard that Russell Brandy's going to play a chair. All he needs is a back comb. He doesn't even really need that. No, he just walks straight on. That's the older Cher right there.

It's good to go. Perfect. I liked her statement announcing it. She said, There will be a performance in a theatre with actors, dancers and singers. Yeah, I know what a musical is. It was like she was playing Articulate

and someone had asked her to describe a musical. That's like when I saw a handwritten sign on an ice cream van that said, ice cream cones with chocolate flakes. 99p. And I thought, don't give away all the ingredients. Apparently, Freud will also make an appearance in the show. Which one? Sigmund.

Sigmund's in it? I mean, I don't know what he's going to be singing. I wonder where he fits in. I don't know either. I can't imagine there's been a crossover in their lives. She had a lot of therapy, she had a lot of therapy. Oh, yeah, there might be like a psychoanalysis number, the big showstopper.

Yeah. Yeah, that could be. I liked her tweet about the announcement when she was saying what a musical consisted of. I also noticed that she replaced the word bee with a bee emoji. Yeah, she loves an emoji. Like a picture of a bee. Okay.

So rather than saying, there will be a theatre show, it was, there will in words, and then a bee. Oh, really? And then a theatre show. She didn't do a picture of a theatre show. Say to that extra character. She just puts a bee in.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, did it really? Well, the time it takes to press the thing and find the emoji Because if it's not In your frequently used emojis It can be a bit of a Yeah So if I looked up

The lyrics of Nigel Farage It'll be believe Will be written with a B And then maybe Even a leaf Oh Right

If she did that Frank She needs you on board. You're the conmeister. I think the press release for this show might end up being like one of those Saturday magazine puzzles that you see. It just takes about 15 minutes.

If I could turn back clock emoji. Picture of a back. If I could turn back. Picture of a back. I don't like the sound of it. That's going to be hard. Well, there's the picture of the... Bark, you're on Sebastian Bark emoji. What are we going to be hard. Well, there's the picture of the... Bark, yeah, and Sebastian Bark emojis.

What are we going to do for Tern? Do they have a Baroque emoji? Is she Baroque? For Tern, we'll have to do a picture of Turner with the ER crossed out, I'm afraid, like one of those old-fashioned ones. It's all getting complicated. It is, it's getting...

Picture of a swivel chair. Nice. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so Cher... She did a great tweet recently, and she said, where did... I don't know if we're allowed to say this,

but she said, where did this giant posterior come from? Going to chain myself to Jim, can lose it in 14 days, it's not my look. Oh, right. I like that she's decided it's not her look. I never think, I think of her as very slender,

but I suppose she's... She is, but she's 71, the metab slows down. I mean, she's one of the female acts not much faith in the material. Right. Well, she's got faith in material, but the material is chiffon. Yeah, yeah, she's not

trying that. But I mean, she's, I don't quite and I'm sure there'll be lots of women telling me to mind my own business. I can't quite equate the strong, bang-bang woman with the not wearing not much clothes.

Do you remember the ship when she was astride some sort of missile? Well I love a missile as you know in an aesthetic sense. But I do think she's let herself down a bit. I like to bet her in the flares.

Oh he liked the I got you babe. Funny thatlares and the... Oh, he liked the I got you, babe. Funny that, it felt like the floral shirt period. No, but she went a bit extreme on the not wearing much clothes. That became her thing, that's what she was known for. Look, it was the 80s, love, we all made mistakes. And the hair got... I mean, I think that's arguably the biggest hair in show business. Oh, yeah, her hair looks bigger than Brian May's. I mean,

absolutely. Oh, come on. Let's be reasonable. It really does. It's like, do you know those mandrills that their face look like their genitals and that's how they attract other things? We'll leave it there. I'm excited. I would go and see it. Her look has always been

sort of sexy Charles II. Yes. If you had to describe Cher's look. I believe the musical starts with the death of Cromwell. It should. I wish. I wish. She's done a try out already. She said she sobbed and

laughed and the audience clapped after the songs. They were thanking the police to be fair. Yeah. But they gave the songs a standing ovation. Well, yeah. She said she did, I think. Oh, did she? She said she gave the songs a standing ovation. Fantastic. Imagine if she was on

her own standing there. Oh, no. In a gossamer body stocking and a leather jacket with that hair. You wouldn't want to sit behind her at the theatre. No, she's one of the people. You know, we were talking recently about pictures that you see in the paper on a regular theatre. No, she's one of the people. You know, we were talking recently about pictures that you see in the paper on a regular basis. Oh, yes. And one of them

was the Madame Tussauds real person. Oh, yes. Next to the Madame Tussauds. I have a feeling I've seen Cher doing that. Sounds like her. Yeah. I mean, I'm hoping the caption was Cher and Cher alike.

But I'm sure I can see the caption was Cher and Cher alike. Nice. But I'm sure I can see her in that picture with that sort of body stocking low-cut thing on. Yeah. I mean, on both of them. No, it wouldn't be on her, would it? She'd have turned up from the street. She'd have just had jeans on and a nice jacket.

Yeah. I was once on the red carpet being photographed and Cher arrived. Oh yeah. And the photographer... Strange event. The photographer's not only stopped taking pictures of me, they actually asked me to get out of the way

so they could take photos of Cher. Welcome to my life. You know why? That's because I had clothes on. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tell you what, See you in what? Questions about chairs Why

do we never see the sales figures for rocking chairs published Oh when you say published, I mean, is it of that much public interest? I'd really like to know. I have a sense, and it's not backed up by,

I mean, this is, what's the word? It's anecdotal evidence that the rocking chair is in decline, if a rocking chair can be in decline. Is it going the way of the name Gary? Is that disappearing as well? It's disappeared.

There were no births registered with the name Gary. I believe it was last year. Yeah. It'll be back. It'll be back. I don't think now you'd wander into Habitat and see it. You might see one rocking chair that's been there for ages. Dust covered.

You got a rocking chair, Al? Yeah. You've got one. Have you? Yeah. You've got one. Have you? Yeah, I've got a... I mean, it's a mid-century... It's a plastic rocking chair. It's quite a classy...

Yeah. It's quite a classy thing. Sounds classy, a plastic rocking chair. No, it's... All right, it's an Eames... Oh, it's Eames. Okay, now you're talking. It's a chair with really nice wooden runners on it.

So it's only for one. It's not like a nice wooden runners on it. So it's only for one. It's not like a giant, big rocking chair. It's been only for one. I always picture rocking chairs as being massive. It's not some sleazy love chair. No, I don't. Yeah, yeah, it's not. I don't think you can.

Do you have ones that are for more? You can't. I've never been pillion on a... You haven't. On a rocking chair. You've missed out, love. So, yeah, I've got a rocking chair, but I can imagine, as you say, that the sails are up and down.

Oh! Thanks very much. I love that. That's two rounds you've had today. I would say the rocking chair is the perfect marriage of the swivel chair and... The normal chair. I'm not sure.

And what? What you're saying is... No, of going back on two legs on a chair. Yeah, yeah. It's got all that in it, in a safer way. Well, it's the ultimate... I mean, you scoffed at my ledge, but I think that's what the rocking chair is.

It's going back with insurance essentially. It is but one always feels on a rocking chair if you really went for it you could end up on your back. It's like a swing in that respect yeah anyway if you've got a rocking chair

yeah text me congratulations we've also had a few share texts again 740 has said I suggest she tries going blonde so then we could all have our fair share I like that

I like that a lot and 206 has said apparently Thomas Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence on his swivel chair in 1776. Really? That can be true. Oh, come on.

No. Because unless when we see it, it's a big circular sheet of paper with a hole in it. Where is that? We've also had incoming from David on Leatherhead, he says. Oh. Which is a might of its own. No, Leatherhead's quite a well-known character in the S&M community.

I haven't seen him for ages. He's been busy by the sound of it. He's been busy, but he's found the time to type out a message on his iPad. Well, not Leatherhead, has he? No, David has, because he's on Leatherhead. Yes, exactly. So, poor Leatherhead's suffering somewhat today in this heat, I would imagine.

Well, suffering, that's what he loves. It's just that he can just open another zip. So what does he say? I can't really say. Sorry, it's very unprofessional. So David on Leonard says, Hi, Cher is a diminutive of a given name of Sherilyn. So that provides a clue as to the pronunciation. So that suggests Cher, yeah.

No, Cher. Sherilyn. No, Sherilyn. Sherilyn. Yes. So are we going to call that a correction? Yeah, correction. Just so happens. Yeah. Sherilyn. So are we going to call that a correction? Yeah, correction. Just so happens.

Yeah. Correction. Oh, yeah. Correction. Oh, little, little. It's the little things in life. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 058, I have a very trendy chrome and leather rocking chair. I love it. Wait, you see, that's interesting, because I wonder if rocking chairs,

one of their problems is they're a bit set in time. They haven't really evolved. Turns out there's leather and chrome. Oh, yeah. Is that a barber? Oh, like a barber's chair, you mean? Yes. Oh, yeah. Who knows? I'm going to ask you a question about chair, and I don't mean to be unkind about it, but... It's not about chairs.

She strikes me as... I mean, how many hits has she had? Oh, she's had a lot, Frank. Has she? Well, she strays into this Mariah Carey territory in some ways. Do you know what I mean?

You think? Well, I think some of the hits were possibly in earlier decades. Well, I remember a couple of the, you know, the 60s. I got you, babe. Bang, bang, I remember. Believe was big, though. 60s I got you babe Bang Bang I remember Believe was big though come on yeah but we're still

I tell you what there are certain stars oh yeah yeah what about It's In His Kiss that one is that well yeah I'll give you that what I'm suggesting

I do a good job there are some stars who are quite big stars who I think of as the nine items or less stars who haven't really had they've had

there's a few years when they're big but the stardom never really fades Yeah but we're not over nine yet She can still use the basket She's still getting the basket. Yeah.

She's still getting that cue. And even in that, we've got a couple of covers, haven't we? Yeah, a couple of covers when she's pushing it a bit. In the musical, we're going to have people pretending to be Cher singing covers that she sang. Exactly. Well, she must have had some failures on the album. There'll be a new song.

I suppose Bang Bang might fit with the death of Cromwell. I don't think he was shot, was he? I mean, what you're saying is you're more excited about the babe. No, what I'm saying is, has she got enough stuff to sustain a musical? Will there be songs where we're going, I don't know, don't know this one Right. No, I wouldn't know them all Yeah but I tell you I'm not, you know, it's great to

have had any things but there are the nine items or less, you get film stars as well, nine items or less you think of the, you think oh big star name the films Well we did do a text in what good films has Johnny Depp winning? And the answer was none.

I wouldn't say he was... I'd say he was eaten more than... Oh, no, he's perfect, but they're not very good. This is what we established. No haters. I'm not here to judge these people. I'm saying there was a great... What the hell are you doing here, then?

Oh, yes, I am. Sorry, I forgot. I think there was a great explosion of music and films from Cher, and then there was like a vapour trail of chiffon. That's my summary. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, on the

subject of swivel chairs, Frank, we've had a tweet from Keith Davis. I'm at this moment sitting in my swivel chair in my back garden, soaking up the sun, which is extraordinary. I mean, I don't know if swivel chairs can be allowed. That is verboten in a back garden. But it's good if you're sunbathing, if you think about it. As the sun moves, you can slowly, you can reflect the movement of the earth and all that.

It's got something of the wife's moved out, if I'm honest, hasn't it? Doesn't care anymore. And the possessions are all over the house. I reckon if he wore a donce's hat and if you surrounded him with a piece of paper, very similar to the Declaration of Independence signed by him, as he went round following the sun, you could check the time by him.

What I want to know is is the swivel chair permanently set up in the back garden? Yeah, is it outdoor furniture? Or does he go through the process on a sunny day of moving it out there from the office? But what about rain? You don't lug it, do you?

No. You don't lug it outside. No. I mean, this is a bleaker thing, but apparently in Elvis's shower, there was a black leather... I don't know if it was a swivel chair. It might have been.

But a black leather chair. A seat? A plastic-covered chair. A black plastic-covered chair. What was that for, then? Because he used to be in such a state from whatever, he used to sit on it in the shower. And apparently it was quite mildewed and stuff.

Oh. That's a bleak image. On an armchair in the shower, it's not good, is it? I mean, it's very I have given up. I don't know if you've seen my list of things that are not good, is he? I mean, it's very I have given up. I don't know if you've seen my list of things that are not good, but it's not. Mills you black chair in shower is not. I'll tell you

something else that's not good. Share, I don't know if you know, this is a sensitive subject. Share this, share that. This is a sensitive subject, but Sonny Bono, who she was married to, do you know where he died, Sonny Bono? Wasn't it, I believe it it some sort of aircraft accident?

If I remember rightly, he skied into a tree. Now, skiing into a tree, it's one of those deaths. It's obviously a tragic death, but it's a bit of... You know what I mean? I was once chased by a bull. I was walking from Kenilworth to Warwick University in the dark and a bull chased me in a field and I heard the... I could feel it.

And I ran over a stile. I had things in my hands which I didn't want to put down. It was like a constable pacing. It was an electric kettle. It wasn't cheap. You were holding a kettle? painting. It was an electric kettle. It wasn't cheap. You were holding a kettle. Yeah. I bought one.

The ball hit the fence. I mean, the whole fence. And I remember thinking, if I'd been killed by being charged by a ball, they could only put the obituary in the beano. Yeah, I know. It's just one of those things. It's a terrible way to go anyway I just mention it

do you know whenever I see a pizzle now in a field I get tense, they shouldn't be, when I walk recently, I'd like to check this if anyone knows, Shuley Bull should not be in a field with a public footpath going through them

8.12.15. They will get answers to that, which is the joy of this show. It can't be legal, can it? And what can I do? How can I enforce it? Yeah. If I went in and shot three bulls dead in cold blood, would I be justified in that they'd broken that? We've all had a drink. Calm down.

No, I don't think so. Mainly tea, but... OK. 916 has texted you know you were mooting the idea that some celebrities are in the nine items or less queue. 916

has texted, one of the most pithy texts. I mean what I'm saying is celebrities are regarded as major stars. They're regarded as sort of icons. I'm happy to be in that queue. I'm going to go they're one word celebrities as well. They're known by

their first name alone often these people. Yes. Nine items or less one word sting. That's what he said.

I mean if it's going to be Name one solo song of Sting's. No. I mean I know the Russians. What about that

one about old cakes or something like I think it was out of case. Some sort of cakes. I mean I know the Russians What about that one about oat cakes or something like that I think it was oat cakes Do you remember if anyone had a Christmas album and grew a beard? No! It was some sort of traditional

North Eastern cake Let's say it was Blurk cakes Blurk cakes Do you not remember it? Set them free was Blurrk cakes. Yeah. Blurrk cakes. Blurrk cakes. Blurrk cakes. Yeah, do you not remember it? Oh, set them free. You know in videos when someone's by a fire?

Yes. It was a bit like that. Yeah, but I don't think we'd call it a hit. It's not in the basket for the nine items. Are we saying, I mean, do we unofficially let people enter this? It's kind of a bit of a hall of shame. Is the nine items or less? It's not of a bit of a hall of shame. Is the nine items or less? Well, it's not really a hall of shame because they're stars.

They've done well out of it. We're aiming upwards, which I think is always... Is Mariah Carey in that as well, Frank? Nine items or less? I don't know her career well enough. Well, then she's in there. Which probably suggests she is in there. I'm wondering, well you could

water the garden quite well in a swivel chair. Yeah? Like one of those hoses really, aren't you? No, I meant with a hose. Yeah, no, but I mean, oh for goodness. No, but you say. I mean you become one of those sprinklers. Shut up. You disgust me. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Deb's live. Hold it, hold it. I've got to do my housekeeping, for goodness sake.

Terrible. Hello. Hello. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, please. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, please. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

A little bit creepy. I thought that was going to be another please there. Apologies for my earlier interruption. However, Debs Lou has got in touch. Debs Lou. To say hashtag nine items or less stars. It's a hashtag now. Let's get it trending, London.

Brian Adams can only think of seven hits and I've got the greatest hits album well that's of course the test is the greatest hits first four tracks you're a rock

in the car next one yeah I mean we should just point out for the people that are sending us one hit wonders

that's not what we're talking about I'm talking about people who are regarded as major stars yeah so like you've got it wrong. I'm talking about people who are regarded as major stars. Yeah. You've got to be shocked at seeing them in the Nine Items or Less queue. That's the point.

I would suggest an example of someone who's a major star but hasn't got into the Nine Items or Less is someone like Elton John, who's got loads of hits on Madonna or Bruce Springsteen. He's a big, big star. We're talking about people that surprise you with having hardly any. I love your new sidekick who just repeatedly says yes

in a high-pitched squeal. We all dream of a sidekick like that, let's face it. Can I say, we've also had many. You told you're being stampeded by a bull anecdote. Charged, I would say. Charged by a bull. We've had many text messages about that. One from Graham the vet.

Hi, Graham. Who calls himself Graham the vet. Graham the vet. The vet. Everyone with Graham has to have a L after their name. It could be a surname, though, couldn't it? Graham the vet. Like Graham Leceux.

Exactly. The prof, didn't they call him? Because he once read The Guardian, Graham Leceux. And he bought antiques. Who's an outlier in any changing room? Graham Levet. It is illegal to keep a dairy bull in field with footpath. I thought as much.

How can I enforce that? Well, he doesn't give us how to enforce it. Spray can. But there's further info. Not others. Cows with calves are more dangerous. And he gives us an exclamation mark. But I tell you what, I get the impression,

I could be wrong about this, if you keep your distance from those, then you'd probably be all right. But whereas a bull will charge. I mean, bulls and charging, they go together like horse and carriage all the animals today

bulls and charging do they still have a ring in their nose the bulls some of them do I thought you had no I'd like to see one doing one of those buzzer games when you have to go through the bent wire without making it buzz. Wouldn't that be great?

I'd love that. Really craning its neck to get round the curve. I like that they have that sort of alternative lifestyle aspect to them, the bull. Yeah, exactly. I'm really sad for the work they did on you, but I like the ring aspect. I like the ring. It's a bit Glastonbury. Yeah. Well, we've just heard from Graham the vet.

Ryan the farmer has also texted. We're getting all the animal correspondence. Ryan the farmer, please. Yeah. He's texted. It's like Joe Lataxi. Who also agrees a female cow with calf is far more likely to, in inverted commas,

kill you than a bull, Frank. Well, I know. I don't know why he's gone for the inverted commas there. I've read terrible stories of these things. But, like, there's something... I had it in my mind that a bull and a public footpath was an illegal combo. And I'm glad to have that verified.

I mean, you try and brush up on various contraventions of British law. Well, I like a walk. Me and my partner, we love a walk. And it's quite frightening, I must say. It's quite low down on the list of priorities in terms of major concerns. Well, it is if you're walking in a field

and then you see, you know, menacing looking cattle. What about 196? I was chased by a big boar across a field. Oh, Brian bless him. And vaulted the gate with seconds to spare. That's what I did. Luckily, I was a good sprinter.

I think I was trespassing, though. Well, it was dark when I did it. I'd gone through there earlier and seen the boar. It hadn't done anything. And when I went through in the dark, like I say, I felt its charging feet. Wow. It had got crazy charging feet, that bull.

I'm not sure about John. He says, would you put... He's given three options for nine items or less. Now, would you allow any of these? I think possibly one, but not all three. He said, would you put Meatloaf, Rod Stewart or Christopher in nine or less? Rod Stewart's had more. He doesn't...

I wouldn't put any... I don't think... Christopher, come on. I don't think Christopher... I don't think... Christopher, come on. I don't think Christopher's quite got the star status, God bless him. Meatloaf? He's had too many. Meatloaf's quite...

He's quite a good call. I don't think he's had nine hits, has he? Oh, I wouldn't say that. I don't think he's had nine hits. He's... No. Okay. And he goes,

we need to have a jingle for our nine items or less. Nine items or less There you go, it sounds like something that one of the nine items or less people would have had as an album track Filler, that's what they call it And I bet Meatloaf's had a few of those Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Oh, come on, 437. I'm not having Manolo in Nine Items or Less. No.

I wouldn't. Mandy, Coco Cabana, Ready to Take a Chance Again, I Could Go On. Yeah, loads. Who said loads? He wrote, said, I Write the Songs. So Mandy's about a dog. Was that the only reason?

Is that what came out? It was actually about a dog. Oh, was it? Yeah. I think he had a dog called Brandy and he did a sort of a jokey song about it and then thought, actually, there's something in this. Nice.

Could it be magic? I mean, you know, come on. Yes. Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. I saw a man sing that in a club I was doing in Cannock. And when he said she was a showgirl, he did that, you know that hourglass mime that men used to do when they described women?

Oh, he didn't. She was a showgirl. Yes, we know what a showgirl is. Keep it clean. Anyway, what else? I don't like to think what he would have done to indicate Rico, who wore a diamond. Let's leave it there. I'm sure he had views on him. When you say what else, Frank, we're in pop news corner, I would say. We've been discussing Cher for quite some time.

It's made the news this week that Robbie Williams has had a new tattoo in memory of Roger Moore, who died last week. He's had, like, a stick man, like, in the style of the saint. And, of course, Roger Moore, I believe, used to be Robbie's motto. I think that's right, yeah. Yeah, maybe it's just there as an aide de mémoire. Yes, I think so. I like that he's a celebrity who gets tattoos

honouring other celebrities. Yeah. I think it's quite good, because he's got the two Ronnies as well, hasn't he? Has he got the two Ronnies? He's got two pairs of glasses on his neck, I believe. Is that right? Well, that could be the Proclaimers.

No, he loved Ronnie Corbett. He did it in honour of Ronnie Corbett I like the fact that he was of the two Ronnies his main thing was Ronnie Corbett he's a Corbett fan it's like being an Ernie Wise fan I like that apparently according to this article

he's got Ronnie Corbett, The Beatles and Jesus Christ which I find a strange lumping in of Jesus with the celebrities. I was going to say, I wonder if they're topical. They die, he's upset, and then he gets it done, but probably not true of Jesus. Might have got it done at Good Friday's, the first he'd heard of it. I think we've already discussed on this show, fellas,

the first use of that, and I might stick with it. He's got 1023 as well which is in honour of Jonathan Wilkes his best friend. Oh yes. Remember him couldn't quite get famous that one. Yes. He's got 1023 and do you know why?

Because Jonathan Wilkes' initials are the 10th and the 23rd initials of the alphabet. Oh that's nice, though. That is, yeah, yeah. Are they still banks doing that? I think so. I hope so.

Mr Wilkes. Yeah. So I wonder if he hasn't done it in a bit of, Oh, Roger Moore's died, I'm really upset, straight to the tattoo parlour, get it done. You know, and time's a great healer but not of tattoos basically. What I like though, he hasn't

had a picture of Roger Moore. He's had the Saint logo which is the old matchstick man with a halo. I thought that was Keep Britain Tidy. That's what it looks like. I used to have a Volvo, A Corgi car

Lovely And it was the Saints Volvo Oh nice You know you could get like the Batmobile and all that I had the Saints Volvo And on the bonnet It had that symbol of the Saint And I used to think

Where is he going to park this? He's going to get vandalised by felons For sure And it really nagged at me that they'd put the logo on the bonnet, which is the saint would never have done that. Still, it's the inspiration that man, isn't he? I suppose he is,

yeah. Yeah, moment on the lips. You know what? I love that he's gone for the saint, though, because I've got to be honest, and this isn't to do with Roger Moore, God rest him. It is to do with Bond. I find a bit basic bloke, if I'm honest. I mean, present company accepted, because there's nothing basic about these two, let me tell you.

But it's a bit, oh, I love curling up with a glass of red wine and watching a Bond film. It's a bit basic. I don't mind a Bond film, but Bond himself. I'll be honest, I quite like a Bond film. But Bond. But you know what I mean. Bond is a bit... It's a bit man of a road. A bit of a ladies man. A bit of a nice watch man, if you know what I mean. Really nice watch.

Cards, cigars. Also, how can anyone unironically go into a casino? Just the word casino makes me snigger I must say I bet he stinks of aftershave He looks fast cast

He sums up the combination of just the sort of man I wouldn't want to hang out with Well that's my problem I bet his front room reeks of cigar smoke But little cigar Cigarellos I don't know, I think he's the sort of man who'd like a Sobrani Black Russian of cigar smoke and... But little cigar... Cigarello.

I don't know, I think he's the sort of man who'd like a Sobrani Black Russian. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're a big fan of various musical artists, Frank. Would you get a tattoo like Robbie, a tribute one? Oh, yeah, like he could get Adam Ricketts, because you're a fan of his, a tribute one? Oh yeah, like he could get Adam Ricketts because you're a fan of his, aren't you? Oh yeah, Adam Ricketts. Imagine if Frank got a tattoo

of Adam Ricketts. Well, I'm currently writing Joe McKell through the musical. Oh yeah. Now, that's what I'd like to do. People say, who's that? And when you explain when I say it's Matt Turbot Oh yeah. Someone that Sarah's just told me about.

I didn't know he existed. I mean, Robbie got the character of the saint. You might just get a saint tattooed. I wouldn't mind a saint, actually. What if I bought Vince Cable? That'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it? Who's that? Who's Emily got? You could have it on your elbow.

You don't have to put the eyes. You'd be more or less done. I must admit on the topical thing Adam West died this week, playing Batman now that was such an important part of my childhood

everyone now says it was very camp and it was very tongy, I didn't get any of that, to me it was serious drama I took it, I thought it was deadly serious as well, And I could imagine if I had to have a tattoo this week in the emotional, because I was genuinely upset that Adam West had done it.

I mean, I'd want Burt Ward on it as well. Well, they didn't get on, it's awkward. Didn't they? But no double act. Apart from me and David Baddiel. True. They all ate each other. Ant and Dick apparently had to be pulled off each other it's a strangling isn't it a strangling

is that right they get on no I think they do get on actually they live on the same street Mark Pugach I wouldn't mind big Mark Pugach on the back Mark Pugach Frank's got a Mark Pugach tattoo

it'd just be great I'd like that to be said about me Frank's got a Mark Pugach Really? I might get Nick Knowles Nick Knowles would be a good sound But if I had Adam West and Burt Ward Because Burt Ward's still alive Then I think I'd start counting the days a bit

till Bert went that's what I wouldn't like about it then when I read that Bert had gone look at the tattoo and think well I'll put that to bed now

yeah you've done that already I don't want to be thinking like that about Bert in a way it's like having a ball rolled over the pocket

in snooker it is yeah but I don't want to do that with Bert Ward's life no true I was always fascinated a bit like Arsene Wenger,

sounds a bit like Arsenal and manages Arsenal, Burt Ward, of course, he was always described as Adam, as Bruce Wayne's Ward. Right. Dick Grace, you know, that Robin was his Ward, Dick Grace. Yeah. And he was called Ward. I wonder if that was involved in the casting,

the nominative determinism. Yeah. 8-12-15, if you think that's the case. I might get a Commissioner Gordon tattoo. Oh, yes. That'd be good. It's like the drama syndrome, which I always like. You know, don't go for the main roles.

Or Alan Napier, who played Alfred the butler. I would actually, I would consider an Alan Napier. Well, that'd be good. I'd probably go Bruce Lee. And then if the tattoo artist wasn't very good, I could just say to people, it's Ian Brown. You know, Ian Brown looks a bit sort of Bruce Lee hairstyle. Oh, yes, they look similar, yes.

Well, I met Emily Sandé recently. And I think she's, was she Dame Emily Sandé? No, no, come on, calm down, dear. Okay. She's OBE. OBE, yeah. I met Emily Sandy OBE. That's just made her sound African.

Yeah. OBE. She's got an Order of the British Empire. Yeah. And she's got Frida Kahlo on her. She showed me, in fact, kindly. Oh. Not in a controversial area.

Where has she got it? On the arm? On the forearm. Okay, handy. Good lighting as well. But quite good light on the moustache, but I think that's okay. Does she incorporate hair on her arm for the moustache?

That's what I'd do. She doesn't do that, and I didn't want to say that. A, I hadn't thought of it, and B, I didn't want her to have not thought of it once she's had the permanent commitment to that level. I would do that and I didn't want to say that A. I hadn't thought of it and B. I didn't want her to have not thought of it once she's had the permanent I would do that if it were me It's a good thought It's a little on

coin but it's good This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Now then Questions Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Now then. Questions about chairs. Do people ever still, you know that thing when you turn a chair around?

People used to do this quite a lot. You turn a chair around and you sort of lean on the back of it and put your legs either side. I know it so well. la christine keeler yes yes but i don't mean like she was naked i think when she did it naked yeah yeah but naked um but people used to do that a lot men in particular would do that when they'd talk to you they'd turn the chair around and lean on the back i haven't seen it done for years do you know what i think you've stumbled on i think you've stumbled on? I think you've stumbled on the overlap in between questions

about chairs and whatever happened to you. Oh, I think I have. We've crossed the streams of two different beats on this show. Luckily, I have on my sleeve. Whatever happened to you? People turning the chairs round.

It was more a male thing. I think you're absolutely right. Well, I've never done it. I always thought it suggested quite a lot of confidence to turn the chair, just because you leaned like that. Can I tell you, it's the equivalent in chair world to if we can enter the vehicle. And I've been to chair world.

I think it's on Broad Street in Birmingham. The world of chairs. It's the equivalent to extending the arm across the passenger seat to reverse. Oh, yeah. What about the reversing done with what? It's just that part of the hand at the base of the fingers. And just one hand round and round

and you're cleaning a window. Yeah, it makes me feel sick when I see that. I've never managed to do that. It's a real skill, isn't it? Good. Keep it that way. But I don't know if I could ever be two friends with someone who did it.

It's a bit Bond films, isn't it? James Bond might do it. It's a bit James Bond. Love Bond films, mate. I like Bond films. I know you do, but it's the difference between liking Bond films

and basing your entire life and worldview on James Bond. In fact, come to think of it, Victoria Corrin-Mitchell, when she was Victoria Corrin, I think, did Room 101 and wanted to put in James Bond for all the reasons of his sexism. I like that, yeah. And I said no. And the next day, when I thought about it, I thought, you know what, she's got a point.

Yeah. And I emailed her and said, you know what, day when I thought about it I thought you know what she's got a point and I emailed her and said you know what the more I think about it and she emailed back it's no good now 276 has got in touch regarding turning the chair around. Oh, yeah. To say Fonzarelli turning the chair around. Oh, yeah.

I do think that the Fonz, and someone else has mentioned Henry Winkler, a.k.a. the Fonz, used to turn the chair around. I remember he would sort of scrape it up quite aggressively. And then the leather-jacketed arms on the top of the chair.

Yeah, he would turn the chair around because he was that kind of guy. So many bits of rebellion about that story, isn't there? The chair's backwards, he's got his leather jacket on, he's the Fonz. His office is a toilet. I know the feeling, love. Yes. Excellent. But yeah, I think it was when, wasn't it those advisory moments?

I mean, for a sort of a suggestion that he was some sort of hoodlum, he had a sort of counselling service. He did, he did. And I think that was his counsellor moment was when he spun the chair around. Is there anyone else who I can actually think of someone doing it? Christine Keeler really has cornered the market on it. But they weren't all in the sex industry. There must be some black and white moose.

You know when the remark hits you a bit later on the way back? Yeah, yeah. There must be someone, Frank, in a moody video. I've got a feeling the late George Michael did it in the Careless Whisper video, if I may say. Really? Yeah. I realise now that when you said a moody video, you meant

atmospheric rather than it's a moody video, isn't it? I got it off the market. Not something you'd buy in a pub from one of your friends. I didn't know that term. Does moody mean stolen? It means snide. A little bit. Do you know snide? No. You need to hang out with the underworld like me and Alan. We're really connected. I'm not need to hang out with the underworld like me and alan oh um okay we're really connected i'm not gonna hang out the underworld just to prove my vocabulary we could hang out that we

have not for many many a year and oft um is that the phrase email corner we've not been there for yonks oh email corner hold on where's i might have to put it in the sat-nav. It's been that so long since I've been there. You could do it a cappella if you wanted. Here we go. Me by gun, me by gun, me by gun mill corner. Wow.

I'd forgotten what it even, I'd forgotten it was you, Alan, doing it. It's yonks since we've been there. Hi, Frank and team. A football slash fashion accessory, whatever happened to? Oh, yeah. Oh, we're going to do one of these as well. Whatever happened to this?

It's jingle crazy this. He'll be falling on stony ground next. Whatever happened to the little bag goalkeepers used to carry onto the pitch? In the golden era of English keepers in the 80s, they would all carry out a little bag containing spare gloves, a cap, chewing gum, and would be placed in the back of the net. Love the show.

Saturdays always seem better when Frank says a heartwarming how marvellous. Normally we don't read praise, but I do identify you as someone who uses the word marvellous more than others. I used to. Last time we did Eaton-M, last time I did Email Corner. Yeah, this might have been... I forgot it now.

Back in the 80s. I was probably a bit chubby then as well. Lovely to be back in Email Corner. Yeah, isn't it? A bit more roomy for you this time. It is. Rattling around in your size zero. He's quite right, the goalie's bag.

Excellent. I remember the goalie's bag. There must be someone who does it. What was the favourite, guys? I always imagined it to be a nice velvet. Well, I don't think you could... No, you're thinking of the FA Cup draw. I love that.

No. I did the FA Cup draw once. Did you? And I did the fourth round. Did you? He really has worked with them all. He's done it all. And as soon as I finished...

Was it Graham Kelly, Frank? Was it his tenure? No, it was... Oh, because I liked... Jim Rosenthal was there. OK. I can't remember who I did it with. I liked it when Graham Kelly admonished Tony Adams,

I told you this, because he did a joke, and he said, don't do that, please. Oh, yes, yeah. It was certainly Sans Pugach, if that's what you're wondering. It was certainly sans Pugach, if that's what you're wondering. But anyway, sans Pugach is what I would refer to all sports shows. Don't have your mind. SP will actually be in the Radio Times.

I'm going to do it to all shows that don't have him on. Oh, that would take too long. But anyway, he... What was I talking about? You were talking about when you had the velvet bag for the FA Cup draw. So I finished the cup draw and as soon as I got off the thing, there was a text arrived from a friend of mine. It said, is it true about the warm balls? And what the theory was that the big teams,

they used to sort of steam their balls so when you felt in you wouldn't pick two big teams against each other so their balls were a bit hotter than the other one. It isn't true I can exclusively reveal it isn't true Did they give you a briefing before the velvet bag draw?

Yeah well we don't get the they arrive in the velvet bag and then they go into... I think it was Guinevere the week we did it. Yeah, like a lottery draw. And do they give you a briefing and tell you what to do? Yes, they say things like, you know, number first. Or you only say the number, I think. And then they say, I think that's what happened.

Yes, that's correct, yeah. And look out for underlining. Because you don't want to call the number six a number nine. You know what I mean? Yeah. It that's correct, yeah. And look out for underlining because you don't want to call a number six a number nine. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was very exciting, though. Yeah?

Yes, I did. I feel bad that I can't remember who I did it with. What, who was the FA? It was a football person or a footballer. It would have been just pre-Graham Kelly then, wouldn't it?

No, but this was a footballer. Oh, the footballer. Yeah. We could check that on Wikipedia. Yeah, if anyone knows who Frank presented the FA Cup draw with, please do get in touch. Yeah. But you've that on Wikipedia. Yeah, if anyone knows who Frank presented the FA Cup draw with, please do get in touch.

But you've only got about 35 seconds, so hurry. We'll read it next week. OK. Are we out of here now? I tell you what, we haven't actually really discussed... What about this? What about this for a suggestion? We start next week talking about the goalies' bags.

Let's do it. Hey, Starsky used to sit on a chair backwards, says 161. Did he? And a lady called Jillia sent us a lovely picture of an elderly gentleman in Rome doing what she calls reverse chair posing at its best. So I'm going to retweet that. You see, was it Starsky that wore the big cardigan?

Yeah. See, that's why he did it. He had so much wool at the back it would have been all crumpled. He'd have been forced forward in the chair. Whereas sitting round, it probably hung, I bet it hung maybe between 8 and 10 inches

below the level of the seat. I'd love to have seen that. It'd be like one of those toilet roll covers. Frank? Paul Elliot Paul Elliot thanks 245 look if anyone has got any

goalkeepers bag stories send them in we can include the whole thing we can start off with a whole goalies bag feature I'm looking forward to that there'll be goalies listening I should think it's the summer, What else are they doing? Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning.

Bring on the feathers. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.