The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Rammstein Van

Episode Date: October 12, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has witnessed a strange moment during a hotel breakfast and has a question about barbers. The team also discuss noisy neighbours and take a trip to Email Corner.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on, what does that mean? On Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And will you follow the show like Pippa used to follow the carnival when I was a kid? Yeah. People just walked behind it for miles.

Well, that was, I followed the bear briefly. Oh, did you? The Hofmeister bear. Oh, yeah. How did that go? Was he wearing a silk bomber jacket and a big,

and a poor boy hat? Oh, brilliant times. Shades. With large, hairy legs. There were different times, though, weren't there? Don't put yourself down. Truthfully, there was less to follow then. The wash your eyes.

Yeah, but people, do people, they don't have carnivals go through the town anymore, do they? Oh, I don't. It used to be carnival day every summer when people were like, you know those big heads that people used to have I think it was a drug that went wrong no it was, people used to do those big papi and maché heads

and wear those and there'd be a marching band and locals would follow them for like four or five miles oh really? dogs, that's a dog kid on a bike I remember the big heads from TFI Friday. Were they similar to that?

They weren't that sophisticated. But more grotesque, which is what I always like in a public celebration. Okay. Hey, now that I'm back, I've had a little look through the text messages and emails that show up, well, mainly the emails, I'm not going to lie, that happen on Friday. They've come in. They're just sat there waiting for me. And I found one

that's got something of a grumble about you, Frank. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of praise for your touring. Grumble grown. Here's your grumble. Can I ask, what was that from? This one's catchphrase. Was it? Yes. I think it might have been the grumble weeds. Do you remember them? Like a comedy group. They could have spent a bit longer on that catchphrase? Was it? I think it might have been the grumbleweeds. Do you remember them?

Like a comedy group. They could have spent a bit longer on that catchphrase. What are we called? What's our catchphrase? Grumblegrown. I think Ross Abbott was a grumbleweed. Was he? I think that's where he began.

Anyway, there'll be more from Frank Skinner's showbiz history. Can I just say, to give you an idea the magic doesn't just start when we go on air because not ten minutes ago Frank was singing a Terry Scott song called Strava My brava Anyway

So we've had an email Morning Frank Cochran and the Deanmeister Whilst looking forward to seeing Frank in Newcastle in the very near future So we've had an email. Morning, Frank Cochran and the Deanmeister. Whilst looking forward to seeing Frank in Newcastle in the very near future, I was disappointed to receive an email this week stating the show start time as 8pm. This leads me to believe that Frank has slipped back into the stronghold of the oppressive 12ths.

I myself shall be leaving the house at 7.17pm, fighting the good fight. And then there's a little praise which I will remove and that's from Geordie Steve. To be honest, I've been regularly going on stage at I think it's 8.47pm. Oh, okay.

That's not so bad. Support act. Cabaret! So is it support act interval? Support act interval me. Right. You see, I like that. And that's you're doing nights. Yeah, I am basically on the night shift.

That's what my great-great-grandfather, Minor, said to my father when he was presenting an arts show when he came back late. He said, you're on nights, mate. There used to be a big discussion about people being on nights or not on... Yeah, yeah.

Anyway. Frank, can I say, we've got someone coming over, especially from Germany, Alan Seaman. Somebody's coming to our house. I don't know about that, because you haven't spoken to Kath about this. But Alan is travelling over especially all the way from Cologne.

That's it. My kind of man. And his girlfriend knows that he's a huge fan and she got him tickets for the show in Worthingtonite. He's not coming over just for that. Yeah.

No, he can't be coming over. He is. If I was the sort of person who said, no pressure then, I would say, no pressure then. But happily, if I was that sort of person, of course I wouldn't be doing this show. I'd be on Capital. Oh. Yeah.

I mean, if you were, we wouldn't be doing this show. No, you wouldn't even have me in your life. That's basically it. So, you know, I know you are a very high standard. So, no pressure, then. Frank's Cale Skinner on Absolute Radio. You mentioned Cologne there. I did.

The guy came over from Cologne. Alan Siemens is on his way over now. Yeah, I'm making the most of itmens is on his way over now. Yeah. That might all stop. Halloween. Thank you. Thank you. I was in Cologne once. I was filming

and I, on the Sunday morning, I got up to go to mass. I was alone. None of the crew shared. Rock and roll. And it was very quiet. I was going to like a seven o'clock mass

so I could get in before the filming thing. And I crossed a road towards this. Someone had given me a map at the hotel. And I heard something along the lines of, Hacktung! Hacktung! And I looked around, I thought there'd be a comic book German soldier there. And it was a German policeman. And I hadn't waited for the green man.

And not only could I not see any traffic, I couldn't hear any traffic in Cologne at all. It was absolutely silent. And he came over, started telling me off in German. I explained I was English. So then he told me off in English that I had to wait for the green man. I hope he said, papers, please.

It was along those lines. Papers, please. He sounds like what we used to call a Jobsworth. Well, I was telling a friend of mine who came over this week. Kelvin, who's a friend of mine, who's a poet. Oh, McKenzie.

He came over for a... No, no, he's not a published poet. I'd be surprised to hear that. So I went to this poetry reading and we were sitting and this story, he told me a story that happened to him in Brussels about the same thing. Oh, really? So, you know.

Bureaucrats. So they have strict rules on jaywalking. Oh, yeah, but really? I mean, honestly. Which we don't tend to have in this country, really. It's not policed, is it? Well, you wouldn't think there's no cars anywhere near, but I'll still wait for the green man. No. Well, you're not fined here.

I think you are in America, aren't you? But, you know, maybe we could learn from those people. Can I just say something, please? Jerome K. Jerome, in his book Three Men and a Bommel, which is in Germany, said that he watched a German child walk 200 yards down a road full of overhanging fruit to buy fruit. And he said that was the difference between us and them.

When I say them, I mean the Germans. Oh, yeah. Here you go. Can I say something? Say something. I'm absolutely knackered. Can you say that? Yes, you. Here you go. Can I say something? Say something. I'm absolutely knackered. Can you say that? Are you? Yes, your love's it.

Of course you're a love. What a strange challenge. Of course you can say it. I'm worried about the testicular aspect. It's got nothing to do with that. It's got nothing to do with that. It's to do with the... I don't know. I can't find it in the manual. While you wait to find some crude etymology are my neighbors um i've had it

i've absolutely had it oh dear the me the music started at four oh come on now. Oh, no. A little bit of Monica in my life. A little bit of Rita's word. That's great. Why are you playing that at 4am? It's not like the party's started and it's all sexy time. I mean, was he seducing someone to that? Is he going to keep someone awake at 4 o'clock? It should be like,

I and I man forward. Bada de Francine. Yeah. I expected a bit of Rammstein. I thought maybe Rammstein. And then, Frank... Oh, remind me about that. Remind me about Rammstein. Can you put Rammstein on hold?

Then, after a little bit of readers work, I thought, oh, great. I rested my head, I thought, oh, I'll get to sleep. Poor Ray. He's got bags under his eyes like a cartoon dog this morning. Then I hear, shake it off, shake it off. Good song. Taylor Swift.

Yes. And then Carly Simon's You're So Vain. Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. And boy, do I hate this morning. You're So Vain. You're So Vain. Hate has gone to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Yeah. Can't get around that. And boy, do I hate this morning. You're So Vain. You're So Vain. I think that was aimed at me.

You walk into the park. But why would you be playing You're So Vain? You think this song is about you? Yes. And I genuinely do think that song was about me. Okay. Okay? I think Beatty is a common theory. Warren Beatty.

Not Beatty, but played by Maureen Lipman in the... Did she admit recently who it was? I don't... Maybe she did. Maybe it's about my neighbour. Anyway, the partying, I've had it up to here. But, I mean, should I be grateful that it's not Rammstein? And what do I do?

What do I do to alert them to this? I mean, hey, you've just done it. Well, I went round, when I was living in a flat, someone was playing music really loud in the early, you've got to pick your target. You don't want to go round someone

at someone's house and be very badly beaten up but I went around I didn't actually know who lived there but I decided to risk it I was laughing because you'd think I wouldn't even worry about that

I would though Al can you come round for me please I went round someone's house I went to their flat and I pressed the doorbell and they opened the door and during the entire conversation I never stopped pressing the doorbell. So the ringing of the... just went throughout the conversation. I felt that helped. It's like underlining.

Right, you at my gaff in four hours. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, someone's been in touch about Neighbours. I mean, this is a big thing, the music of the Neighbours. Music of the Neighbours. Everybody needs good Neighbours. Yeah.

Thanks. All right, Jason Donovan. Nugget, actually, says... Written by? What, Nugget? No, the Neighbours team. Tony Hatch. Tony Hugget? No, the neighbour's team. Oh, Tony Hatch. Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent, I think, together.

I apologise for not giving Jackie her propers. Yeah, well, that's how women are in society. They're all... Oh, sorry, everyone. You say it, Frank. Tell them. I think Tony took care of her propers. Nugget says,

it sounds as if Emily was rather lucky. At least Emily's neighbour played a variety of songs. Admittedly, they were pretty naff

and far too loud, but at least there was some variety. Back when my now wife and I were courting, her neighbour

regularly played Van Morrison's Brown-Eyed Girl non-stop, blasting through the wall of the terraced house. It used to be one of my all-time favourite songs, but that woman...

Oh, that woman I love. I hope that's in block capital. I know it was a woman because I did knock on the door on a few occasions to ask her to turn the volume down and change the record to no avail. In the end, we brought our wedding date forward and moved into a marital home as a result of it. You don't know what, sorry. I don't know.

When he said I've asked her to change it to no avail, it's great if she'd have gone back in and played a heavy metal song called No Avail. That would have made life sweet. No, it's terrible, isn't it? I've had a few of them. I'm broken. It's broken me, Frank.

I had a neighbour and I went round. He had a Great Dane and a glass front door, you know, with a big glass panel. So when you knocked on the door at two in the morning, first of all, you did a bit of activity upstairs and then the dog would hit the glass pane, pause first. That's terrifying. I know.

But the guy was just, he was a complete spaceman and he would say, thing is, I can't, I just can't sleep if I don't have MTV on, I can't get to sleep. And so I said, well, can you have it on a bit quieter? And he goes, oh, yeah, man, that's all too. But that was, I was probably knocked on his door once a week for that conversation. Dog against glass pane.

Well, I'm taking you and Alan round later. Just take Alan. Oh, no. Oh, never mind. I left Rammstein playing all day very loudly. Never mind. You didn't really, did you? No, but I might do.

Hey, Frank, did you have a Rammstein story? Yes. I was walking down the high street? Yes, I was walking... Good bookmarking today. ...down the high street. No, I was driving, I was being driven in the... Our tour party, me, Pierre and Omar, were going along... Three men in a boat.

Yeah, the M1, well, three men in a Merc. And there was a van, a white van, ahead of us on the motorway. It was Friday, so traffic was sluggish. And I said, look at their symbol on the van. It looks like the Rammstein symbol. Shall we explain who Rammstein are? They're a German band. They did, we are living America.

Oh, yeah. America. I don't know their symbol, though. And Pierre said to me, Hold on, but it's got Rammstein written on the bottom. And they've got a particular font they use, a sort of a gothic type. It's the goth energy drink font, I call it.

Yeah, exactly. It's, yeah, it's a bit like, it's got all those sort of, like Norse, I don't know, whatever the thing, all that stuff in Wagner,

all those German legends. Yes, yes. It's very ring. And so it was a white van with the Rammstein, and I don't mean like, I mean professionally done, and the Rammstein thing on the bottom, the name,

and it was just some old guy in glasses driving this van, and I just know, no idea what was going on with that. You don't think they were in there? No, because it was like a transit. Ramstein don't travel in a transit. Well, what if it was Ramstein's father? I mean, you should have said hello to him and see if he said

good done, Margot. If anyone else has seen the Ramstein white van on the motorway, do let me. I'd love to get to the bottom of it. He might just be a big fan, but he's really had it done. I mean, on a show that has a lot of obscure textings

that is one of the most obscure I'd love to know, believe me I'd love to get to the bottom of the white van man but with the Rammstein symbol and name on the back I have a question, the white van man I mean did he look

very British, do you know what mean, did he look very British? Do you know what I mean? Did he look like a sort of... How would you describe him? I would say he looked like he'd been driving for almost three months. Okay. That kind of tired, hair sort of all over the place. But he was probably older than me.

I know he shouldn't be driving. You're right. Prince Philip. Yeah. I'd really love... Oh driving. You're right. Prince Philip. Please help me with this guys. Come on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Might have a bit of an answer

for you for the jobs worth that... Oh, I thought that was going to be Noah Ramstein. Oh, no, Noah Ramstein yet. Oh yeah, this is the guy in Cologne. Okay. So you were crossing the road in Cologne at like seven in the morning and didn't use the green man system. Well, I crossed the green man thing, but I didn't wait for the green man. And then got called back by...

Because he felt there was no need. By the police. Is that German for the long arm of the law? I believe to cross outside of that, that is verboten. Yes, certainly. Well, 457 has said, Frank, the German view is, quote marks,

for de kinder. There may have been a child watching and you were setting a bad example. There was no one anywhere apart from me and the policeman. Don't shoo the messenger. I'm just telling you what 457 has reported as being perhaps a justification.

What were you going to do, hug the messenger? I mean, that's not how it works. Maybe Melinda Messenger. Legend! Where is she now? Where is she now? Oh, I read about her recently. Oh, yeah?

I remember what it was. Presently. Did it say her I remember what it was. Presently. And did it say her current, what she's doing? I'm guessing she's doing some sort of... She pops up on Loose Women, I believe. I imagine she's like, could do fitness videos or something of that nature. I don't know if they still do the fitness videos.

Have they gone? I don't know if they still do videos, darling. Someone sent me one, really. Big muscular man on the cover. Tony something? Hadley. gone. I don't know if they still do videos, darling. Someone sent me one, really. Big muscular man on the cover. Tony something? Hadley. No, I don't. I don't think.

He's one of ours, actually. He's in our stable. Somebody called Little or Small. Sid Little. Yeah, I don't know. Work out with Sid Little. It seems wrong, doesn't it? The little and large could represent, you know,

the before and after of the bodybuilding. Sorry, it's Little or Small. Who's this? Sid Little and Biggie Smalls. And he's no longer with us, sadly. Who's Mr Superfit? Biggie Smalls. Also, I don't know you.

Oh, it could be Joe Wicks. Yeah, maybe him. I know it's not Little or Small. Did you mean Swash? No. You mean Swash. Maybe Swash is a different guy. Maybe we've had some advice for you, Emily.

Oh, yeah. Go on. 616 has texted. Hi, Emily. I had a some advice for you, Emily. Oh, yeah. 616 has texted, Hi, Emily. I had a recent problem with a new neighbour playing house and garage music every weekend and evening. I like that. I filled

in an online form on my local council's website. They wrote to my neighbour keeping my details private, and it has solved the problem. Hope it helps as I know how distressing this is. Oh, thank you, Alison. That's from Alison. I'd better stop playing that house and garage music every weekend.

Well, speaking of distressing, when she said playing garage music, it reminded me of one of the jokes I did on my disastrous hosting the Brits. Oh. Which was... Settle round, everyone. OK, I've had no sleep I cannot hear about this on eight hours

let alone on zero and what I did was I said right no time for some UK garage music and then I sang you can't get quicker

than a quick foot for a day nothing nothing I feel like absolutely ill Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Nothing. Nothing! I feel absolutely ill. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. 338? Hiya. Hey guys, love the show, but please, can you try to pronounce Ramstein correctly? It's killing me to hear Ramstein. Okay. Oh, then I'm going to do it even more 338.

Soz. Well, what's he saying? Ramstein. Ramstein. 868 has made the same point, but with somewhat more detail. I was listening to your discussion about Rammstein with interest, as it's my sister's favourite band. Every time you said Rammstein, I corrected you with Rammstein.

That made for a lot of corrections. Please use the correct pronunciation. That's from Kate in North Shields. Still no news about the Ramstein van. No. Ramstein. Yeah. I'm not going to do it on purpose. You know what I need?

I need a troll. I need an ex-vanation. Oh, lovely. That's what I need. Paul Frank, did you give a shout-out to the person who gave you that little pint of milk this morning? No, it wasn't a pint. I tell you what.

Oh, I do apologise. I was talking about the M&S miniature goods collection. In which you can get a prawn sandwich in miniature. And you keep it in a small bookcase. I suppose it's like a shelf. So it's sort of like doll's house food, which is what I used to eat, those are the portion sizes,

when I worked in fashion. And for anyone who's got a doll's house and they've lost that gross chicken, half a walnut is a great substitute. Boz is collecting them. Boz is collecting them, and he was only one short, and that was the washing-off liquid. Oh, right.

And then I got a missive today from May Lee Chong from Surbiton to Boz and Frank. Hope you haven't received too many of these, but nothing better than the full set feeling. And then it's... And he or she... Sorry, it's not clear. Forgive my lack of knowledge. Can I just say, could we please start adopting

one washing-up liquid bottle short of a collection? Yes. I'm going to sleep. But anyway, so now he's got the set, which is tremendous. I'm so, I'm very happy with that.

Thank you so much. P.S. I don't quite get, won't mention the free plastic toy. Hoo-ha. Have I missed something there? Over to Alan in our studio in Luxembourg.

I think it might have been an environmental thing that they were giving away plastic toys and people were like, don't do that. Climate emergency. You know, all that stuff. No, you're right, Al. That's what's happened. Okay.

That is the voice that they use. I promise. Well, I doubt he'll dispose of it in the near future, but we won't. We live nowhere near the ocean. I'll try and keep it as far away. Look, we are so no plastic in our house. I like the fact that they thought you'd be

inundated with these. No, someone on Twitter was, I mean, they were showing off their collection. They said, I've got the full set. No offer. Ian Winwood has been in touch.

Hello, all. I'm off to St. Petersburg next week to interview Till Lindemann, the singer of... Rammstein. ...who has a solo album

coming out. I'm going to ask if he drives a white van. Settle this thing once and for all. No, it wasn't him. It definitely wasn't him. But if he knows

why an old man drives a Ramstein branded van up and down the M1 on a Friday night what if it's Pear Linderman oh you think

it could be Opar Linderman couldn't they have just changed their appearance like when Michael Stipe grew that massive grey beard

and looked like a completely different human yeah but this would be like this would be eight hours in Yeah, but this would be like, this would be eight hours in the make-up. This would be Dustin Hoffman as the 1,000-year-old man. I mean, it'd be really...

And why? To drive a van up there? How eccentric they are, these rock stars. Oh, I'm going to search for this information. I wish I'd... If the traffic was slow enough, I could have stopped and said, Guten Abend! Guten Abend, my boy! But I didn't think.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world? Yeah, we've just got three spams in our holding bay. Have we? Well, you speak for yourself. We've had a Melinda Messenger update. She's going to be in the new Theatre Royal Lincoln's production of Robin Hood.

Oh, not my barrier. I'm guessing. I'm guessing. They don't get into the cast. No, no. I can't think of another female character in... In what, sorry? In Robin Hood.

Other than Maid Marian. Yeah. I don't think there is one. Because it's Robin Hood and his merry men. Riding through the glen. Orcs. So I was in Nottingham last night. Of course, it's what can't help thinking of Robin Hood.

It says, welcome to Robin Hood country, which took me back to being in Whitby last week and people asking about where is Dracula's grave, they must ask where Robin Hood is buried certainly

so listen ye here I am I was Listen, listen ye here. I am... Hi, Geoffrey Chaucer. I was... Well, I'm on the road at the moment, and I was at a hotel. I think I've started doing at hotels.

He's having for breakfast, because there's a choice of cereals. I double up on the cereals. Two in the same bowl. I have cornflakes. Oh, yeah. And then on top of it, in the centre, I put one Weetabix.

And I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like a magic eye drawing without needing to do that thing where you let your focus fade. It's very attractive to look at. Always with the eccentricity, Hugo. If I was having that, I would definitely go

Weetabix covered by cornflakes. Anyway, so I'm sitting eating my breakfast alone. The others haven't come down. Depressing, Mark. And, oh, I love hotel breakfast. Some people have them in the room, but I love to watch the people

at the hotel breakfast. The amount of awkwardness people experience just walking up to the food thing and back. The most self-conscious walk of all time. There's often a newbie that doesn't know how one of those toasters that rotates works. Oh, yeah, exactly. Jamming it in and making a right mess of it.

And the people are absolutely... The old pros. Pigs, absolutely pigs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They pile up there. Well, can I say something else you find? When you have a dog, some hotel restaurants will... There's an area where you can sit,

and I experienced it myself only recently. Sometimes guests will come over and proffer a sausage for the dog. Really? No questions asked. They just give you the sausage. I don't want your sausage. They give you the sausage. Yeah, to give for the dog. Really? No questions asked. They just give you the sausage. I don't want your sausage. They give you the sausage? Yeah, to give to the dog.

They don't give it directly to the dog. Well, I couldn't do that. My dog's too timid and also I'd have to ask about the calibre of the sausages because she's gluten free.

If you had a sausage dog, do you think that would change? Would they be worried about the dobbling off aspect? It'd be really gross, wouldn't it? change? Would they be worried about the doubling off aspect? Gross, wouldn't it? It'd be like repeating the same word too close together in a piece of prose. Anyway,

we need a copy editor on this. You were watching the self-conscious folk, which, can I just say, is a fabulous observation. It's so true. They tread so gingerly, guys. Oh, man, you can tell. It's as if they feel they're being watched on some microscopic camera that's studying their... I don't care how they walk up.

I do. Well, I do. It's human beings that are most vulnerable. Anyway, there was two members of staff behind the counter, and I wasn't sure whether other people could see them where they were standing. And it was this bloke and this woman talking. They were sort of, I don't know what,

but East European would be my guess from their accent. And suddenly they snogged with tremendous enthusiasm. I mean, absolute clamping on mouth thing. Wow. On company time. I know. And these are people who were preparing food. It's a health and safety nightmare, this.

And I was sitting, and while they were, and they were really, you know, their arms were all over each other. What were they wearing? Were they wearing tabards? Well, it was a risk because of the static electricity in their uniform. But they weren't tabards. They were wearing, you know, these sort of slightly pop landlord jackets. And they were, and then the bloke who was still

still clamped on this woman I saw his eyes pick me out so he looked past her ponytail to me watching them and I felt like I was some sort of you know peeping Tom I was having my breakfast

in a hotel I mean why am I the bad guy now I mean you can't I the bad guy now? I mean, you can't... If you say get a room to people in a hotel, it's kind of like a weird stranger feeling. But the look... Look at this guy. They stopped, but the guy really looked at me like,

how dare you? How dare you see us snogging? That's really shocked me. Really feel sorry for you, Frank, with your breakfast debacle. Well, it was an uneasy... I mean, seeing people snogging is always a bit weird, but I just don't expect when people are working, they're being paid.

I don't like the unprofessionalism of it. They should be tidying up dirty plates. And the accusing look at that old guy spying on us. You don't know they were thinking that. If it's in his face, it was really like girl, you get off us.

You know in the lovelyones when he's looking and he stumbles across a couple in a cornfield and the guy goes mad and beats him up because he thinks he's some terrible peeping Tom guy. We're very close to that. It's probably a good thing he didn't shout get a room and kiss. They said, well, we're full, sir. Yeah. You should have known that. Right. I mean, it's probably a good thing you didn't shout get a room in case they said, well, we're full, sir. Yeah.

You should have known that. Also, you don't want to shout get a room with Brexit being the way it is at East European I was suggesting get a room. Get your own room. Yeah, exactly. I would have felt bad if that had been misunderstood in any way. Did it make you think twice

about having a hot breakfast after your cereal in case things escalated behind the counter where they were? I think I went and got some mushrooms. You don't want to watch a full show, do you? I went and got some mushrooms on toast after that. Because I thought if there's going to be a fight, I'd better build my strength. Like Mickey, was he called Mickey?

Mickey Rourke in Barfly when he's got a big fight and he breaks in and eats the contents of someone's fridge in anticipation of the big boss stop it's kind of like that I've got to be honest I always prefer eating in the room

do you? sometimes they say breakfast is included and I think, I know, but I can afford a breakfast, and I would really rather, I love the tradition of the tray. I feel like Princess Margaret. There's a decadence about it with the orange juice.

I just don't like that vulnerability that you speak of. I find it quite upsetting. Seeing people... Oh, no, I love it. Do you? I could watch vulnerability and awkwardness till the cows come home. It's the clinking of cutlery unsettles me.

No, all that is great. And the great ceremony of having to wait to be seated and the check your room thing and all that. And I'll tell you what I always do. When they ask for my room number, even though I often know it, I'll look at my key card in front of them so they're absolutely clear that I'm legitimate.

I haven't just come in to watch the staff make love. That's where I am now, isn't it? Do you think also there is a lot of judgment in that area? I find a communal dining area, serve yourself. I do, you know, some people do pile the plates high. And if they bring you the hot meal thing, so you can order the extra stuff that you have to pay for, I always say, no, I'll go with the buff.

There's always a sense of, of course you will. You know that? I would judge you for that. Can I tell you a very brief story of a thing I saw last week? Last week I was away. I went to a kettlebell instructional course. I did three days of kettlebells. What tunes can you play?

It's an exercise thing. It looks a bit like a cyber man's head, doesn't it? Yes, very like that. Well, it looks like a kettle that you can't get any water in. Yes, lots of people learn. That's what they call kettle bells. Well, I may be wrong, but is that right? I'm guessing so, I don't really know.

A sealed kettle. It's an old Russian market thing that they used to use to weigh the produce. But anyway, I was at this thing, largely populated by professional fitness people. You surprised me. On one day at the canteen, a guy walked past me with his breakfast, and I thought, that's weird, that looked like a bed of rice on his plate. And he had like a plate of rice on his plate and he had he had like a a plate so full of scrambled egg

I thought the scrambled egg was a bed of rice wow and then I looked again and what was on top of his bed of three perched eggs so he had scrambled eggs egg on egg

with three single perched eggs on top wow egg on egg oh I think he's still the good food guy. I'd like to read you an email that just might change our opinion on the power that we wield here

at Absolute Towers. I think I know the one you're going to read out. We're changing lives. I bet you don't, actually. Hi, Frank and team. I finished listening to a podcast of your show where you talk of visiting the Lewis Chessmen in Edinburgh. This

fired my interest in the subject and I was amazed to see that they are featured in the book and radio series A History of the World in 100 Objects, which even features a contribution from Martin Amis. What? It just goes to show the roots this show can take you down. P.S., did you ever listen to Black Country night out comedy records?

Well, two items here. Regional news programme. First of all, I do like the idea that I like to think that the program is a sort of intellectual and popular culture based advent calendar so you open one door

and who knows what will be behind it and I think it's good to follow those sort of wormholes I think the days behind me being behind 25 are long gone. Well, calm now. Thank you. The Black Country Night Out they refer to, I think they add local comedians like Tommy Mondon and stuff like that,

and the popular Black Country, the Black Country, I should say, in case you don't know, is area of the west midlands uh named so because of the industrial revolution where it was a a key element the houses became covered in soot um from all the industry and so it was like living in like a black town yeah anyway so um yeah there was a double actor with a very popular Black Country act called Enoch and Eli. Which would be Enoch and Eli in

normal. And they would tell stories. So he'd say Oh right Enoch are you still keeping bees? And he says, Oh I took them for a walk this morning. I put them on cotton. I tied cotton on the legs.

Oh, I do. I took them down the park, but I couldn't get in because the gates was locked. And it goes on like this in a perambulating but interesting fashion. Just to ask you a question about Enoch and Eli. Enoch and Eli. Oh, I do apologise. I just just to ask you a question about Enoch and Eli. Enoch and Eli. Oh, I do apologise. I just want to hear you say it. Enoch and Eli.

Exactly. That was my question, essentially. Was it just due to sort of a mispronunciation or what were their birth names? So it would be Enoch and Eli, but everyone would call them Enoch and Eli. I remember a friend, there was a bloke called Tommy Jones, not the Pontypridd crooner.

Oh, I was thinking of Tommy Lee Jones. And I remember a bloke in the pub saying, oh, I've just been down Albury, I bumped into Tommy Dunes. So everything got changed a bit. But anyway, so yes, I did occasionally listen to those Black Country Nights. That was Jack, that missive. Oh, you said with a tone there, like you were anticipating a surname.

I just felt like I'd left a loose end. It's like the football results. You've got to follow that through. So there you are. We've answered that. We've got, oh, I think... I think, no, the producer is actually pinching that fleshy bit underneath my armpit, saying we have to move on.

The fez tassel is dangling into my very nostrils. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. But it's been a very difficult week. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Now I went to the barbers this week to get a haircut Fresh trim that's what the kids say I think they say fresh trim or fresh cut I mean it's all the same words

really and it's just coming back in. Yeah, you know, well, whatever happened, I got a haircut, and I went in there, and the guy... I've been going in there for, I would say, two years, and they've never at any time acknowledged that I have any sort of public face of any kind. All right.

And so I just thought, well, you know, they're Turkish guys, they might not know who I am. Anyway, so I was getting my hair cut and the guy said, what are you working on at the moment?

And all that. And it became, you know, it became apparent, anyway, from what he said that he had recognized me and very uh very diplomatically not brought it up before you know what we you know everything and um what's his name everything everything out everything so he says to me something about, you know,

I can't remember who cropped up, but Brexit cropped up as a topic. Oh, goodness. Yeah. But it didn't get, it wasn't divisive at all.

We were just talking about in general, you know, interest in something big happens every day as a news story. Yes, yes. And then he said,

yeah, he said, uh we've he said we'll miss it when we when it when it goes i said i think we will i said i've often thought i'll miss it on the news and he said yeah he said it's like i feel like like we've you know it's like we've brought you know we've brought it up we've we've been around around, we were there when it first appeared, we've nurtured it, we've given it a lot of attention, lavished attention, and now it's just going to go and leave us, and that'll be the end, he said I don't suppose it'll be the end, he said I suppose it'll still come back with its dirty washing, and bring him back some people, you know, male or female, who we don't really approve of,

but that's who they're hanging around with now. Oh, he went full on. And he did a complete conceit on Brexit. And I thought, this is like a stand-up show. It's brilliant work on the personification of Brexit. And now we've nurtured it and then it'll leave us and et cetera, et cetera. I like this guy.

And it did make me think, I thought I should ask the always impressive listeners on the radio show, what's the best thing that a barber or a hairdresser has ever said to them? Because they're chatting. I don't think mine's appropriate for breakfast radio. Obviously we don't.

Some of it's unbroadcastable. It was in Monte Carlo. Yes, so I'd love to know what those are, because I must have told you about the time that, in fact, I think I put it in my stand-up act, that a woman said to me, having finished, almost finished my hair, this was at Mr Topper,

it was the nine-quid haircut, and she said to me, all it needs now is a bit of a zhuzh, and it's done. And I said, zhuzh ye not, for as ye zhuzh, so shall ye be zhuzh. And got nothing.

I mean nothing from her. Didn't even say what do you mean and it just moved on. We've had an interesting, this is another of your obscure textings, interesting things that hairdressers have said to you over the years. Or barbers. My barber is very keen to say.

He said, we're the only barber in this area. And I said, well, there's one in this road. And he said, no, that's a hairdresser. Oh, he wants to be clear. He's Turkish, is he? Yeah, but he said we do shaves and stuff like that. I hope you thank him in Turkish. I don't know how to do clear. He's Turkish, is he? Yeah, but he said we do shaves and stuff like that. I hope you thank him in Turkish. I don't know how to do that.

I do. Okay. Teşkir denim. Can you repeat that? Teşkir denim. I could Levi's stonewash. Ooh, denim. Come on.

Teşkir denim. A lovely, lovely frame. I'll try. I don't know if it'll stick. It's a risk if someone's carrying it. come on Teshkia Derem a lovely lovely friend I'll try I don't know I mean I don't know if it'll stick it's a risk it's a risk

if someone's carrying an open razor I don't really like being talked to by the hairdressers I like it you know apparently one of the oldest jokes

things that don't surprise me number 371 apparently oh take hairdressers out of that statement true true apparently one of the oldest jokes I don't know where they found this too hard oh take hairdressers out of that statement true true apparently one of the

oldest jokes I don't know where they found this but is of somebody going to the hairdressers and them saying how would you like your hair cut sir

and him saying in silence and I'm pretty sure that Rudy Liquid who's a comic still does that on the comedy circuit anyway

003 has texted. Oh, he hasn't done enough kills yet. I don't know if he's licensed. Are you always licensed if you're a 00? No, I think he's not licensed quite yet. He's pre... I would call it he's on his provisional. Oh, he's got a provisional.

He's got a prov. Anyway, sent a good text in. Frank, Alan and Emily. The barber once said toional he's got a prov anyway sent a good text in frank allen and emily the barber once said to me if you think you've been a good person all your life but when you die you're sent to hell who do you complain to gaz manchester it's a good it's a good question i'd like a true manda and pervading sense of existential gloom for the rest of the day, please. We're also out. I mean, you can't raise it with the Diablo. Well, maybe you could.

You know the old, excuse me, I think you'll find I shouldn't be here. You know those guys. Sorry, I think there's been a problem. Yeah, exactly. Upstairs, a Rooney. It would be like not getting into the VIPip area well there's a thing the closest thing that's ever happened to me to just being in an old joke and people i probably think i've

made this up but it really it happened exactly like this a guy i went to have my hair cut and the guy said to me how do you want it cut and i said sort of kind of like yours actually i'll have whatever you have and he says well i have number two all over and i'm sorry to hear that no and i said um i said my hair, and it was really super short. I mean, like a skinhead cut. And I said, this isn't what you... And he said, oh, mine's grown out quite a bit. And that was a real thing, and it feels like a joke.

And I remember being so embarrassed. I'd never had it that short before, and I didn't have a single head scar. I felt like I hadn't lived. You were no skinhead escapes. No, I just had not lived. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. Follow. At Frank on the radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've been talking about things hairdressers have said. Well, specifically, it's things that... But they've said to you that your bar bra hairdresser,

they're a stock in your mind. The best thing ever. Well, we've had some great tweets. I'll be honest, I'm surprised that it's such a fertile texting, but well done, Frank. Thank you very much. Michael said, his hairdresser said to him, I'll be honest with you, that's not my best work.

You can have it half price. Where is that? Well, I've always got one eye on how much I'm spending. Did I read out who that was from? No. Michael. Oh, yes, thank you. This haircut I had the other day, at the end of it,

the barber said, do you want any product or anything on it? I said, no. I said, I actually did a texting on my radio show of me with and without product. And the audience said, I look better without it. I haven't used it since. I took it absolutely as gospel. That's a good idea.

Leslie Candling. Hold it, hold it. Oh, I do apologise, Fred. It's OK. I didn't realise you were mid. So he said to me, well, he said, a good haircut doesn't need product. That's what I always say.

I said, that's what he said. He said, however, this one, I wouldn't mind putting a bit on it. He's funny. He's funny. He's got his long Brexit analogy. And he's one-liner. He's got his banter. I love him.

Good stuff. Emily. Sorry, Frank. Leslie Candlin, right, let's sort this mess out while standing next to her colleague who caused this mess a few weeks earlier. Lee. Oh, that's hard.

Yeah, we've had all sorts. 942 has sent one that I liked. Hi, Frank et al. My barber heard Yellow by Coldplay on the radio and said to me, I love this song. I used to love Coldplay, but now this is their only song that doesn't remind me of my ex. I pointed out that the

fact he's aware that it doesn't remind him of his ex means that it does in fact remind him of his ex. He cut the rest of my hair in silence. Bliss. Oh dear. We have a couple more that I would like to share. I mean, obviously I don't want this to be the entire show,

but these are too good to waste. The Doggy Network. I did ask. Okay. The Doggy Network. Last visit, the colour in my hair had grown out more than I realised. She showed me from every angle. I said, oh, I didn't realise it was that bad.

Her reply, yeah, it is that bad. And most people would have noticed. I mean, why add the crawl thing? it was that bad. Her reply, yeah, it is that bad and most people would have noticed. Oh! I mean, why add the cruel thing? They've become, hairdressers and barbers have become

like the fool in King Lear. The speaker of, I non-call most people would have noticed because they've become like the voice

of truth against power. There's, finally, Mr Flowers said, a friend of his has, is it vitiligo it's pronounced? Oh, yeah. Elbows, knees and around the eyes.

And she was at Vidal Sassoon around the late 80s and the hairdresser said, I love the way you do your eye makeup. And his friend said, actually, that's a my skin disease. Oh, no. Did I tell you I was going out with someone and she used to get her hair cut

by Nicky Clark. Oh, yeah. And she went to his salon. We'd split up and she was having her hair cut by one of his colleagues and Nicky Clark walked in and said to her, oh that was Frank

and she burst into tears and he went, oh really sort of awkward and didn't know what to do so he dashed out and dashed back in with a glass of champagne How Nicky Clark deals with sadness.

Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. So just, I would like to share a haircut, Al, finally from Ian Walker. Well, I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. Not Ian Walker. That was the curtains, wasn't it? On top of the goalkeeper.

Married to... Susie Walker. Hiya. She had a short-lived chat show called... Hiya. I missed the rehearsal for this week, too.

To be fair, we spent 22 years working on it. It was actually called Hiya. It's Susie Walker. And when she said Hiya,

she peered around a curtain, I believe. Well, I seem to remember her doing it in other contexts. But let's not fall out. I thought there was one when she's just coming out from behind a letterbox. And he goes, hire! Yeah. Not from a gold mouth. Ian Walker, I did once have my hair cut by a wig maker

for about £2.50, which seemed cheap. They thought I knew. They did it because they could see I was desperate and I thought they were a genuine hairdresser. It was a horrible mess. I wouldn't go to a wig maker. I wonder if they kept the hair. Oh, yes.

I mean, I think a wig maker is I wonder if they kept the hair. Oh, yes. I mean, I think that, I think a wig maker is somewhat incentivised to do a terrible haircut for a person, aren't they? Oh, yes, so then they get, yeah, do you want to buy a wig? Absolutely, right. Well, we used to go, when I was younger, my mum would make us go to, I mean, make, you know, but

we had to go to the hairdresser that she went to, which was Vidal Sassoon, and they didn't like doing children. And people were smoking, there was a lot of alcohol. And the man we had, the Italian man, would say the children.

Every time we walked in, he didn't like us. But I do remember one hairdresser was cutting my hair and was talking to my mum about her love problems, and I looked awful. I mean, it really,

she'd taken it, it looked awful. And she said, oh, it looks OK, you look a bit like Juliet Bravo. Now, I don't know if anyone knows who that is. Yes, she was very, Jill Gascoigne, it looked like. No, Juliet Bravo, I can't remember the actress's name, but it's a policewoman. Yes. And I don't think that a nine-year-old

should really look like a policewoman. Was it Gabrielle Drake? That's a good rule of thumb. Gabrielle Drake? Good rule of thumb, that. Gabrielle Drake? No. Oh, OK. And a cataract or something? Anyway, we'll get back to you about that.

She had a cataract. I don't remember. Can you be in the police if you've got a cataract? I'm sure you can. 8, 12, 15. I don't know if it's up there with the height restrictions. Do you know what I did this week I went to the cinema and I did something I haven't done for years

I watched two or three sections of the film through the spaces between my fingers Why? Literally Scared? Yeah You're very easily spooked It was called Dora the Explorer Why? Literally. Because it was sort of... Scared? Yeah. You're very easily spooked.

Well, it was called... Dora the Explorer? No, it was called... It's all those in Amazons. It was called The Aeronauts. Oh, OK. Do you know it? No. It's Eddie Redmayne and the woman from Rogue One.

Oh, yes, I know who you mean. I mean, she's very good. Daisy? Is it a Daisy, perhaps? Ridley? I think it's something Jones. Felicity Jones? Oh, lovely, yes. Marvellous. Anyway, yeah, there were sections in that bit, they're in this Art Air balloon, the ice one has ever been,

when I can't remember what... Do you ever remember watching a film like that? It was so harrowing. And I mean, I'm getting on. It's not like I'm some sort of child. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention it. So there was a scary bit.

It's gone down like a lead. Like the balloon. Gone down like the hot air balloon. Well, I don't want a total spoiler alert, because I might see it. Never going to see it. I would never see a film with anything called Aeronauts,

to be honest. Really? It sounds a bit like there's going to be machines in it. Well, there is, but there's a lot of cyberpunk, but there's a lot of human interaction as well. No, not, no. Not, no, Dave. Email has just come in. Robin Hood's final resting place is Huddersfield

on the Kirklees Park estate. And then they had God's Own County, but I'm not convinced. But anyway. Isn't that your manor, darling? It is, yeah. That's where they bury the fictional nowadays. LAUGHTER bury the fictional nowadays. We've not done many emails that are just there

in email corner for a little while. I wondered if you'd be, I don't know, are you interested in the jingle, Frank? How are you feeling about the jingle?

Can I ask you one question before we do this? Sure. Because something crop top, you know, I occasionally spot sort of ponds and that which I had previously missed. You may have, for some time I wondered if Mary J. Blige was a pond on Motta Blige. I do remember that, yes. I thought it was perhaps overreach, but yeah. That one I may have, yes, I may have had ideas about my ponning station.

But recently I asked about Free Willy, if that was a pun on free will. Yes. And, you know, because it escapes, I think, so it's about free will, it's about making our own decisions in life, not living in an aquatic park situation. Right. I was, when I was recently in Hull Minster, the big church in Hull. Pretty rock and roll tour that Frank is on.

Yeah, well, I was talking to a guy who worked there about, you know, about what it's like working there and the staff and the bell ringers and all that. And he said, yeah, you could write a sitcom about this place. People say stuff like that. You could write a sitcom about this place. And I said, yes, I'd call it Yes Minster. Oh, OK. Which is a reasonable joke in this situation.

That's perfectly acceptable. Yeah, exactly. You know, I wasn't in professional context. Not that I feel I have to aim any lower, but I mean, it was a perfectly sharp and quick response. Yeah. And then I wondered... This is your want.

Is Yes... Now, you might have guessed this years ago. This might be a big Mo thing for me. Okay. Is Yes Minister a pun on Westminster? Ooh. Oh! Is that what he's referring to?

What a great question. Because Yes Minister... I know he says it a lot, Sir Humphrey, you know, Yes Minister. Yeah, I thought it was just about the agreeableness. I thought it was subservient and a bit, yes, ma'am, yes, sir. But it's not a title you'd naturally arrive at. I wonder if it is because it's set in Westminster. Yes, Minister Westminster.

Anyone. If anyone knows. Al, what do you think? Because I'm going to go hard no. Oh, hard no. On that one. It might be another example of overreach. I'm not sure about it.

Mary J. Blige, I hold up my hands. Where do you stand? I mean, if we're going to compare Mary J. Blige and Much Obliged, which I believe is one of the catchphrases of Derek Acora. Much Obliged.

He says to the spirit world, he says very much obliged. It's just an old term used to end letters and stuff. Mary J. Blige says a thank you to her fans, her whole name was a thank you. Yes, Minister. Actually, maybe I've been too hard on him for Yes, Minister. If anyone knows about the

etymology of Yes, Minister, do let us know. Anyway, sorry, would you like me to play the email corner jingle? I have to jump in quickly on this. Timing is everything in this business, as you know. Email. Email.

There you... That was the email corner jingle, but I think that Lindisfarne singing that. Lindisfarne, of course, the home of the venerable Bede, whose tomb I visited in Durham Cathedral very recently. You're listening to Radio 4. What is a Bede? Did we ask this before?

Yes, you did. I've forgotten. That's his name, Bede. What do you mean? That's his name. Extra do you mean that's his name extraordinary yeah um dear frank and the gang first time writer long time reader i was intrigued by frank's comments the other week about west brom's boiler man mascot oh yes claiming that he had sold out somewhat by donning an approximation of the striped WBA, West Bromwich Albion kit, instead of opting for the plain white combi look.

Yeah, I should say that the Boilerman is a sort of legendary mascot that we have at West Brom, and he is just a combi boiler on legs. And I think the point I made, he's like Marcel Duchamp's found art, the urinal. I know Marcel Duchamp signs it but other than that he just presents it as found and that was the great thing about Boilerman

the last match I went to which I think was the Blackburn Rovers game he came out with stripes I'm glad I took a photo of it by chance I happened to go to the Albion at the weekend as my uncle had a spare ticket and although not a supporter of West Brom I would describe them as

my championship team to paraphrase Buzz anyway lo and behold when I sat in my seat and looked towards the pitch there was Boilerman but back in his original plain white attire the only explanation is that similar to when Frank improved Andrew Lloyd Webber's

curtain call there must have been a member of WBA's backroom team listening in on the previous podcast who subsequently reverted Boiler's look. Boiler's look. Yeah, I don't think we know him well enough to be on first-name terms. Mr Boiler.

Does he get letters addressed to Mr B, man? I think we ought to come up with a name-slash-feature for when Frank makes one of these improvements. Maybe an ALW, Andrew Lloyd Webber moment. Praise redacted, but a big hand for the police, Rory. Well, there's so many references to previous things on the show. This man is clearly a regular reader, and thank you for that. That's tremendous news.

If I honestly thought I'd reverted the unhappy trend of making Boilerman more apposite, then I would be proud indeed. I'm calling these the FA, which is the Frank Amends. OK. OK? Every time we get these. OK. Well, I don't know if there'll be that many, but, you know...

Oh, yeah, right, there won't be. You go on, I've told you, you cannot resist giving people notes. So far, I don't know if there'll be that many. Oh, yeah, right, there won't be. I've told you, you cannot resist giving people money. So far, I might have changed an EFL mascot and a West End musical. I mean, it's not a bad old life, is it? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We're still in the corner.

Oh yeah, we're still in the corner. Yes. We have an email through from Andrew Hunter. Okay. Okay. Long time reader, first time contact. Morning, Andrew. Following on from the museum animatronic feed from last week,

does anyone want to recap on that? I don't believe... I think Frank was asking what's your favourite animatronic in one of his more mainstream textings. If we write back to Alan Hunter, will we write... Andrew. Andrew Hunter, will we begin

the thing, Dear Hunter? Oh. That took me ages to get. I'm a bit embarrassed. Dear A. Hunter. Well, he must get that a lot, the gladiator. Sorry, what was the huntsman saying? Snowwhite.

The RAF Museum at Hendon, has the best mannequins as part of the Battle of Britain exhibition. They are pre-animatronic, but if you look at the plain-clothed families as you walk through, they may look a bit familiar. They must have got them on the cheap because they're actually members of the royal family, specifically Prince Charles and Princess Anne.

And what figures are they? They've been there as long as I can remember. It sounds like they're there to represent sort of families, extras, if you will, in this RAF museum at Hendon. But they've obviously not got just general mannequins. They've actually got Prince Charles and Princess Anne, specifically, as members of the public. I remember doing a joke on the chat show which was a man he'd been he did some crime and he'd hurt himself in the process of the

crime and he was he was unconscious was in a coma for like three days or something and when he came round there was uh four policemen in at his bedside and the joke that we did was he thought he'd died and gone to hendon because hendon was the police police academy yes but i was i didn't know the raf thing was in there it's a bit um i wonder where they got those from then. Two swords. Because they do close down some of these places. Oh, yeah.

It's a shame to waste them. I mean, I have, I'm sure Madame Tussauds would deny this. You see, I went two swords. But I often think, do they actually melt? No, I would have gone two swords. Do they always melt the bodies down? Or do they think, you know, if we put a, say if you put a, I don't like the way you think I'll know

the answer to that. No. Rather disturbing question you've got. My part-time job. What I mean is if you've got, say David Bowie

and you want to have one of David Beckham, might you not just change the head? Yeah. Who's going to notice? Yeah. You're going to

dress it differently, it'll be fine. Obviously there's some that wouldn't work. Daniel Lambert, Britain's fattest man from the 18th century. You couldn't do him with the Beckham.

But with some other modern celebrities you'd probably be... You couldn't swap with let's say Conor McGregor? No, they'd notice that. No, but Graham Norton, maybe. The only way they could swap with Conor McGregor,

if they put in front of us one of those seaside peephole photograph opportunities. And then what's the point? Might as well just do a bust. We've had a text in, Frank. 275 has submitted this. Dear Alan, Emily and Frank, after hearing about Frank's rhinestone cowboy debacle, it got me thinking.

Do you want to proceed with your rhinestone cowboy debacle? In a slight sidebar if we go from from Rhinestone to Ramstein someone spotted the van didn't they? You're absolutely right Sorry, someone spotted it Stephen White

emailed, I saw that van yesterday, I'm not going to pick him up on grammar. I wanted to drive past playing Bruce Springsteen as loud as possible and get him to wind the window down, shoot him a dumb-looking smile while putting the thumbs up like I'd confused the two.

But unfortunately, I was too far away. If you find out who he is, please let him know of this attempted trolling so that he understands what he missed out on. Stephen from Solihull. I'm just glad someone else has seen it. I guess you've made it up. When a second person sees the ghost, you can relax.

You feel seen now. I do. I say he was on the M1 yesterday. Alan. So we're back to your rhinestone cowboy. From Rammstein to Rhinestone. Yeah, in Rammstein Cowboy, I thought that he always said

getting courting letters from people. And there's all reasons why that is, it's a really good lyric. And in fact, he says getting cards and letters, which is, so the mistake was better than the original. Now, we don't want to do misheard lyrics because that's right up there with no pressure. More humbly, we want to do accidentally improved lyrics.

Accidentally improving lyrics. Exactly. So... We've had a few, but you have another, I sense, bubbling under. Yes. It got me thinking about Respect by Aretha Franklin. I've always liked Aretha's Respect.

We've had Aretha before in this topic. We had, in addition to the Rammstein cowboy, we had I Say a Little Prayer. And it was when the guy thought... I run for the bus, dear. I run for the bus, dear. And I think of you and he thought, how amazing, even when dashing for a bus.

Before running, I think of us, dear. Yeah. That's right. Whereas, in fact, she's on the bus, dear, and I think of you and he thought, how amazing, even when dashing for a bus. Before running, I think of us, dear. Yeah, that's right. Whereas, in fact, she's on the bus before riding and he said it was while running and it was the idea that during this arduous activity, still they were on the mind. Yes. Over to you Alan, in

Wisconsin. I have always liked Aretha's respect a lot. Oh, hang on. I've always liked Aretha's Respect a lot. Oh, hang on. I've always liked Aretha's Respect a lot less since I realised the true lyrics. I used to believe these were R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Take out P-C-E. This would leave the words rest just as a brief pause in the instrumentation came for in the song as the Aretha was taking a moment away from her scathing attack to just reference the song she was singing. Oh. Rest. In a beautifully fourth wall breaking meta moment. Yeah, like she was saying, and I, pause.

Yes. And I was thinking, oh, lovely. They say, much like Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, when he says, well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift. Yes. And then they add in brackets, I wonder if there are other songs that do this.

Imagine my disappointment when I realised... Can I say one? I've got one. In Greece, there's one where they go, C, C, C, C, C, F, F, C, C F, F, F, A minus yeah exactly I think James Brown says take it to the bridge doesn't he yes and I believe

yes you're right to be fair he's talking to his doctor at the time anyway they continue. Imagine my disappointment when I realised Aretha was simply saying, take care, TCB. The T stands for taking care. So the first take care is completely redundant.

No good, Aretha. Must try harder. Yes. No, take care, TCB. TCB is... Taking care of business. Business, Elvis. Yeah. Obviously.

Okay. This is more... I mean, I'm going to have to go and read... I'm going to have to go back over those pages. But yes, okay. So, I like the idea of her saying, and leaving rest, and then having a little rest in the middle.

Yes. Can I just quickly say, sorry, love your work, but take care, TCB. Not redundant. She's saying, take care but take care, TCB, not redundant. She's saying, take care, take care of business. Two separate sentiments. Oh, so take care, like mine, there you go.

Yeah, all best. And then take care of business. She's signing off all best, take care of business. Well, she was actually running a business empire at the same time. Like I heard a woman say goodbye to a friend on the bus once, and she said, have a great weekend, make good decisions. Wow. And I thought that.

Adrian Charles was saying something. Slightly menacing from a friend, I would think. Adrian Charles says, mind how you go. Yeah. Which sounds a bit threatening. I've always thought that.

Yeah. So look, speaking of mind how you go, we're going soon. Sarah Champion is coming next and oh, let's change it this week. Around her neck

She wore a yellow ribbon She wore it in the springtime And in the month of May I'm not guaranteeing she will be wearing a yellow ribbon around her neck, but who knows? If that turns out, I'll be very pleased. Look, thanks for listening to Good Lord Spares Us and The Creeks Don't Rise.

We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!