The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Red Arrows

Episode Date: April 22, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank Emily and Alun discuss how being on live TV is effecting Frank's dreams, the new romance between Kylie and Prince Andrew and why Charles Bronson no longer eats Colman's mustard.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our little show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi Frank. Hi. Morning. Hi.

Hi. That's it, people think they've accidentally tuned into glee. Yeah, lovely to have you back. It's nice to be back. You've been so busy. Oh, what to bear thinking about. Well I'll tell you, now I know something that you don't like Emily is people, um. That's the end of that sentence. Yes, I thought that was me. like Emily is people... That's the end of that sentence. I thought that was me. Is people telling you about their dreams? Yes, I believe I once said it was more boring than people

telling you about their problems. Well, but I would like to share just a brief dream I had the other night, which has been nagging at me. Can I just say, I quite like it when we do dream analysis on the show. I don't know if that... And then the shark ate the bubble gum and I was running down a corridor. Can I just say, I quite like it when we do dream analysis on the show. I don't know if that... Well, I...

Yeah, but don't do... Oh, then the shark ate the bubble gum and I was running down a corridor. No, no, this was... It was a bit more... It was horribly believable. I was crossing the River Thames on a bridge with my partner and suddenly, unexpectedly, there's no special event, the Red Arrows appeared in the sky.

Have you ever been surprised by the red arrows? 8, 12, 15. And, I mean, in a public display context, not individually in any way. They didn't appear in my bedroom. Keep it clean. I don't want to hear about them being in... Someone's proofread a document and just doodled in all the margins. I don't want to say I went into a urinal and they were there in V formation.

But anyway, they were in V formation in the sky. The usual red, white and blue smoke. You know, standard arrow procedure. Do they have... What I was thinking about this after I woke up, do they have a military role, the Red Arrows? Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. I imagine them sort of pointing out enemy camps

with their pointy formation, over here kind of a way. You know the opening titles to Dad's Army? Yes. I don't know if they've got reverse. Do they have reverse? I don't know if they've got reverse. Do they have reverse? I don't know. On planes? No.

I see them as purely decorative, these characters. Well, I wonder, though. I wonder if they... Because I think they're... I know they look like real men, if you know what I mean. I mean, men. Because I've seen there's a signed photo of them on John Coulshaw's wall when you go into his flat.

Is there? So they look like tough guys. Are they ex-military personnel? I think they are military. Oh, lovely. I love a military. I think there still are, yes. Any military listening, hello.

But does that mean that... I'm just saying, shout out. You know in Ain't Half Hot, Mum, where there's the sort of, the Ents people who go around, you know, meet the gangos, the boys are here. The boys who entertain you. Are they that? Are they basically just entertainment? So they don't do any war?

Do you think they might straddle the line between entertainment and warfare? I don't know. I'm confused about their role, but someone out there will know. But presumably, guys, that display aviation, it looks quite harrowing, some of it. Arrowing? That's what it looks. I wonder if, say, at the Nafi, they've got an outdoor snooker table, if they could use the shadow of the red arrows to line the reds up,

if the triangle was missing that. Just a thought. Anyway, they crashed in the dream, I'll be honest with you. I wasn't sure whether to bring that up, but down they all went. It was awful. Absolutely awful. Good morning, everyone. Yeah, and now, there was a blue one at the front.

And what did you do? What are you doing there? I know, it was like a nib dipped in ink. There was one blue plane at the front who suddenly stopped. No, we're not having an interloper in there. No, he did like, can I just say, I feel really sorry for you that you dream about red arrows. I mean, I have dreams about relationships and friends and things like that and conversations, but you dream about red arrows. I mean, I have dreams about relationships and friends and

things like that and conversations, but you dream about plane formations. I mean, they're not every day, aren't they? One rarely sees the red arrows. Certainly after my dream, I'll be turning up in my dream again. Anyway, the blue one at the

front stop, they crashed and all fell into the sea. So, be careful if you're a red arrow. Anyway, the blue one at the front stopped and they crashed and all fell into... Let's see. So, be careful if you're a red arrow. These are the sort of dreams you have when you're doing a live TV show. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Now, we've had an answer to your Red Arrows question. OK. And it's from Sanjay, a.k.a. 255. OK. It begins, hi, Paul. All right. The Red Arrows. Are we going to trust this bloke's information?

I mean, let's give him a pass on Paul and see how the Red Arrow stuff is doing. The Red Arrows are part of the RAF. I think I established that. Already you've got off on such a bad foot with Sanjay. No, no.

They are the RAF aerobatics team. The pilots who fly them are all front line squadron pilots. They have to apply and go through a selection process to be part of the Redron pilots. They have to apply and go through a selection process to be part of the Reds team. They change every year. They've even had a female pilot on the team.

I hope this helps. I'm not sure about the word they used the word even. Even, yeah. Because you know what they drive like. I bet she was the one in blue. Maybe. But she said I don't look very good in red. And then suddenly put the brakes on, you know, a hedgehog. I bet there was a hedgehog on the cloud.

They spend too much time gossiping when they've got their formations to be doing. I'm glad that they've got lady arrows. Well, Becky from South Staffordshire also says all red arrow pilots have previously been pilots in the RAF and when they finish their time with the Red Arrows they go back to their duties. Okay, fair enough. So it's like a year off. Yeah, exactly.

Gap year. When I say a year off, I would not want to be flying a foot away from four other aeroplanes. The middle, the bloke in the middle must just spend the whole flight going, not even, he's got to be flying like that, can't even look out the window. The bloke in the middle must just spend the whole flight going, Oh! Not even...

He's got to be flying like that. Can't even look out the window. Oh, keep going! Really braced for it. It's a really stressful year off. Oh, what a stressful... Tell me about it, Paul. ...frontline duty.

I mean, I don't know how many outings they have, the Arrows, but you've got to say in a year they're going to be doing 20 jobs. Yeah. All this is another good texting. How many outings can you expect in a year as a red arrow? Yeah, exactly. If you text in on 8-12-15 to Paul at Absolute Radio, Paul is waiting for your text.

Ever been surprised by the red arrow? I still had no answer to that. Can you believe it? No, we've not had an answer to that. It did make me think, though, the horrors at the end of the dream of seeing them go down. I mean, there was nothing graphic,

but even so, just seeing them drop, I did think maybe it's time to stop the red arrows. It's an accident waiting to happen. Well, I mean, that's quite a big leap, Frank, just because you had a dream. Yeah, if you'd seen what I'd seen. I think it might have had more to do with... It's just not safe, that's quite a big leap, Frank, just because you had a dream. Yeah, if you'd seen what I'd seen. I think it might have had more to do with... It's just not safe, that's what I'm saying.

Too close! I think you rightly analysed it as being possibly an anxiety dream to do with live television. I think it perhaps could have been that, but even so, it did bring home the fact that the red arrows do fly, in my opinion, a little bit too close to each other. Yes, I know what you mean. And I think that has its pitfalls that's all i'm saying sure i mean you know i'm self as i gain i or lose nothing by what happens to the arrows other than you know my basic humanitarianism i'm just saying guys you could do you could put a foot either side we'd be happy

you could put a foot either side, we'd be happy. We'd be happy with a looser arrow. OK? Why not just have one big, enormous, pointy plane and just paint some other planes on the bottom? Then paint the sky on it and everyone would think, wow, look at that, and everyone would be safe. I like the red arrows. I love the red arrows. I don't want to

see them perish. We've had some correspondence in from Jo. Yeah. And she's not 100% happy with us, Frank. Okay. She says you mocked him. I'm not going to do a tone of voice, because you know when people do a tone of voice...

I've told you that people should text an email with stage directions. Yes. You mocked him for saying even women, him being... I'm calling this so far, in brackets, firm, but not reprimanding. Yeah. This is when Sanjay referred to even women being the Red Arrow pilots. You mocked him, i.e. Sanjay, for saying even women. Yes.

But maybe it was because you'd gone on so much about them being manly men in the Red Arrows in the first place. Three exclamation marks, Joe. Oh, Joe. Joe's got a point, I'll be fair with you. I was basing it all on John Coulshaw's apartment decoration of the Red Arrows, where they were all

male. That's right. I mean, had there been a female on that, that would have put it in my mind. But you're quite right, I do think of them as... Yes, I was a hypocrite. Joe, you're right.

But it's also that, you know, forgive me for this, Frank, and I put myself in the same bit of the Venn diagram here, but neither of us are as alpha as a manly red arrow. Well, I'll drink to that. I don't think I'm as alpha as a female red arrow. I think, in fact, I'm the most alpha person in this room. I think that probably is true. I think I would look at a photo of the Red Arrows all standing up

and the song Macho, Macho Man would just be playing constantly in my head. Oh, you love that one, Al. Brackets and woman. But can I be, if I'm going to be completely honest, which I do like to be. Yeah, you do, don't you? Sorry. Stealing myself.

I've got a sense of worry. When I was at the Coleshaw flat and I saw the portrait of the Red Arrows, I started left to right and I think I got through about three of them before I got fed up. Because, you know, at the end of the day, although I respect the Red Arrows as an aerobatics team,

I don't need to know them individually. Was it signed? I mean, I think the RAF have established they're all replaceable. They get a year and then they're gone. Very replaceable. Was it signed? It was signed. Lovely.

Wow. In red, white and blue. Wow. No, not really. Now, we've had some people, I appreciate it's been quite Red Arrows heavy this morning. It has a little. I think that no one's answered my, have you ever been surprised by the Red Arrows heavy this morning. It has a little. No one's answered my,

have you ever been surprised by the Red Arrows texting. Well, I will guess again. Actually, they have, Frank. Alan, over to you. I mean, I thought we'd already explored some quite niche text-ins on this show, but have you ever been surprised by the Red Arrows is up there. 587, Tom in Mansfield.

We were surprised by the Red Arrows, Frank. Following our wedding in Derbyshire, we were surprised by the red arrows, Frank following our wedding in Derbyshire we went outside for the photos and just as we lined up, the red arrows flew right through the valley everyone wondered how I'd persuaded them to do that did they get them on the photos though?

imagine that for a wedding photo you and the bride and the red arrow. I mean, come on. Just the chemtrails flying behind you. Oh, that is brilliant. If they could have just married and maybe some tin cans off the back of the plane.

Lovely. And then KT351, another surprise by the red arrows. Yeah. Just keep them coming. I live and work in Lincolnshire where the red arrows are based. That's where they're based? I often witness them. No!

Wow! I often witness them. Good use of witness. I often witness them practising their acrobatics. I like that. It sounded slightly snidey. I often witness them practising. I wonder how they do that.

Does one of them go up and then two? Do they start off in a very loose formation and get closer? I think one goes up and two fly underneath with a big net. Well, thanks. They've got all the... They can communicate with each other as well. But how do you begin? You can't just line up the planes in a V formation on the tarmac

and take off like that and you're off. There's got to be a way of gradually... Does one of them, do they talk to each other and say, I'm going to do a Z formation now? They say stuff like, move over! Get over! They do that a lot. No, they're calm.

They're as calm as that pilot who landed the plane on the Hudson. But even so, how do you start with the Red Arrow? Remember, they're all new. They're new every year and nobody knows how to do them. They can't all be new on the same day. It said they change them. Surely they change them one at a time. How do you think?

I just want to ask the producer, how long have we done on the red arrows this morning? I reckon it's 34 minutes. It's an interesting question, I think. Let's hope so. It's 34 minutes, Frank. How you start as a red arrow. I wonder if they have, like, sponge on the tips of the wings

to start off with. Right. Like some bumpers. Yeah. You think it's like bowling? Guess what, guys? This news... Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. This news just in, guys, from David in Turkey. Hi, Frank, listening to you in Antalya in Turkey yesterday while wandering around, we had an impromptu display from the Turkish Red Arrows. Oh, so that red and white, they must go. They were red and white, six of them.

No, I didn't know there was a Turkish Red Arrows. Oh, how come their fesses don't blow off at that speed? Skinner, Dean and Cochran together in the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Yes, so I do think that my red arrows crashing dream was a, what do they call it? Stress dream, not stress. Anxiety. Anxiety dream. Yes. Because I have just started a live TV comedy show and they don't do many, there's a reason they don't do live comedy on telly. Yeah.

Because when a joke, when you say something and it gets nothing, it's an ugly and unsatisfactory and awkward thing. It's one of the things that has changed over the years of television comedy, isn't it? Everyone gets a lot. Is it Johnny Carson or whatever? And he used to just do jokes that didn't work and move on. And now they just put on the ones that work all the time.

To be fair, I watched your show, Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, I believe it's called. It's called that. Damn app I call it. I would like to say you stormed it. You are my keenest supporter and I appreciate that. Well, I know. Well, I've called it because it's you and Jonathan Ross.

I don't call it Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain. I call it my address book. So I call that show. So I haven't missed it Don't Ask Me Ask Britain. I call it My Address Book. So I call that show. So I haven't missed it, but it's really good. I loved it, Frank. Can I just say, though, on the live comedy thing, someone told me that Little and Large in their latter years did a comedy thing,

and it was, I think, they weren't getting the writers they used to get, and so some of the gags weren't going as well. So what the sound men used to do is they would turn up the volume after the punchline to make the gag sound louder. And occasionally they didn't get a laugh at all. So they'd do a joke, and you'd hear, so they'd say, yeah, well, I told him if he wants to do that, he should get his own. So the silence actually was louder.

I mean, you don't want amplified silence after a joke. But you must have been happy with... Well, I haven't been happy since September 24th, 1986, but it was all right. But I did think it might be an interesting idea while it's on. It's only on for six weeks. It's every week on this show we add the joke that I did

that went worst as a feature. Are you sure you want to do that? Hank, really? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this idea. I absolutely love it. I feel like all my Christmases come at once. I think, I mean, some weeks there might be more choices than others.

You might be spilt for choice. Can we, okay, I will agree to your demands. Okay. I'm a, sorry Al. I'd just like to play slight devil's advocate in a moment. You know one match of the day when... God, dark as hell, I haven't been dead two weeks and you're taking over the devil's advocate title.

You know one match of the day... Now you know how Nick Hancock feels. Yeah, give them like a bit of space. Now Paul Merton was after Nick Hancock feels. Yeah, give them a bit of space. Paul Merton was after Nick Hancock. You know one of the frustrating things about when they interview sports stars and they won't discuss the bad bits of the game. They go,

we've just got to move on, we're just concentrating on the next game. They totally delete the bad bits. You want to do kind of the negative image of that, the total reverse, and you want us to interview kind of the negative image of that, the total reverse, and you want us to interview you about the worst... I want you to interview me. No, what he wants to do... You know Frank likes to sift through the innards.

Yeah. That's what he does. OK, let's do it. I think it fits in with the no praise policy on this show. I don't know if it does. The condition, I do love it when you incorporate an inappropriate jingle into the forensic analysis. So that would be... I'll see if I So that would be a small request there.

I mean, we need a sort of a worse joke. Yeah, so this is, we'll have a think. So this is Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, and Frank... Let's see if this will work. Don't. Don't. That would do it, wouldn't it? I'm with you. OK, we'll come back with the worst joke I did

on Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain last Tuesday. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So you trailed before that, right? You trailed... I did, sorry about that. But I've gone and got some Dettol and a J-Cloth. And it's absolutely fine.

I mean, I'm 60. What do you expect? Exactly this. Still at least... It'll help me when I wander off. You'll be glad of those trails. You trailed the gag that didn't work on... Well, I think...

There'll always be more than one. I think it might be an interesting feature. It's just... I'm mooting it. That's all I'm doing. I'm just mooting. Love a moot. Yeah. Mootiful.

I'm just suggesting that my least successful joke of the week might be something that might be an interesting feature. Okay. We've got a jingle. And, yeah, I've got a jingle sorted i've with a little adaptation that's what that's worked fine i think okay um so my personal nomination for this week was before you begin this is uh as your therapist i would just like to say rather than thinking of these as in inverted commas bad jokes i'd like you to think of them as underappreciated jokes. Possibly.

Deserving of better, maybe. Let's call this feature, and some of them did fall on stony ground. A bit wordy, but yeah. Yes, so I think this week it was someone mentioned Kim Jong-un

and I said, ah yes, Kim Jong-un, he's my favourite goth. It got absolutely nothing. I mean, nothing. And people didn't move on immediately. There was a moment where I could hear people thinking about it and then rejecting it. They didn't even reject it as a knee-jerk. They just went, no, let me...

No, that's not good enough. And they moved on. I accept that. Well, I was at home. they just went, no, let me... No, that's not good enough. And they moved on. I accept that. Well, I was at home... And you absolutely split your sides at the My Favourite Goth. Well, I thought it was funny. Did you? I did.

Well, you know he's one of my favourites. Typical of you to fly in the face of public opinion. I didn't think it got what it deserved. But, of course, I was sitting there thinking, oh my God, and they're not laughing at this. No. And I was, but then you got so many other laughs throughout the night, come on. I know, but we're not here to talk about the laughs. I know, okay.

Well, Daisy and I, the producer, had a constant WhatsApp exchange of events as they happened while the show was going on and we were a bit nervous. Well, I was a little bit. I mean, let's face it. Live TV, isn't it?

Yeah, indeed. And at one point... It's career-threatening. Well, I texted Daisy. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to share our text. Oh, OK. I said, thank God this is good.

It makes my life easier on so many levels. Yes, well, knowing me and Jonathan. Yes, it would have been... So what do you think of that joke, Al? It's all right. Wears black all the time. He does wear black all the time. He's got the shaved sides.

Looks like he dyes his hair, but it probably doesn't. Yeah. Because he's North Korean. True enough. They've just got a bit of the goth in them. There's no getting around it. Can you say this? I think you can say that.

I regard goth as a high compliment. I'm thinking of going to the Whitby weekend. Imagine if Kim Jong-un went to the Whitby weekend. Oh, wouldn't that be brilliant? I mean, that would be a new story, wouldn't it? But is there something, to return to the scene of the crime, is there something nice about the fact that it's live TV and you just move on really quickly?

Well, there's nothing nice about... ..after a joke. And also, I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but he has not moved on really quickly. No, I haven't moved on at all. Here we are discussing it on a Saturday morning. And for the next six weeks, apparently. Possibly.

What I like is there's people all over the world worried about Kim Jong-un, but I'm the only person who's worrying about him on this basis. I bet they've got a good aerobatics team, the North Koreans. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? I bet they've got, like, 60 of them. And if they have a crash, is he bothered? Get another 60.

Yeah, just drag out the next one. That's how he works. It's about a team. Yeah. Anyway, I think that. If you've got any other offers, I'm happy to take them. I didn't see the show, but I might just say that maybe people weren't sure that you meant just that Kim Jong-un was a goth, that there was something else coming next.

Yeah, but I find when you do a joke and people think there might be something else coming next, that's not a good sign. Or they might have been running through who their favourite goth was. Yeah, this is very good of you. You're so kind now. A little wonder list. Yeah, everyone at home's thinking,

I'd have thought Robert Smith. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Burton. No, it was a joke. Too late. Too late, the moment's gone now. Who's your favourite goth, eh? 12, 15.

OK, that's another texting on the way. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a tweet from Kenny Dowling. I was going to say Kenny Dowling for a second.

No. I just want to take us Dowling for a second. No. I just want to take us, I want to provide us with a little ramp out of the worst joke of the week. Okay. I don't think we should call it that. It's too extreme. What are we calling it again, Al?

Joke that doesn't work. And some of them I thought... And some of them may fall. On Stoney Ground. We'll just call it Stoney Ground. Stoney Ground, exactly. This is a ramp out of Stoney Ground. That's the sequel to Broadchurch, I believe.

Tim Dowling. Yeah, Tim Dowling has said, no, Kenny Dowling, had said, listening to the Frank on the Radio podcast, so this is one we did earlier, and I got Divine Miss M, that's me on Twitter, deal with it, Divine Miss M's Zapruder film reference, and Frank didn't. Hashtag feel clever, hashtag that never happens, hashtag Google it.

Oh, I didn't get that. I didn't. I mean, what in the wide, wide world of sport is Zapruder? Zapruder film. So the Zapruder film was the, I mean, you know, I want to keep things light. Yeah. But it was the name of the person who took the footage uh of from the grassy knoll oh the kennedy assassination okay well you were right to put that in the same section as my

kim jong-un joke and now which is another figure i've been blown away together yes i thought that was a you know a nice place for it well i think jamelia did crawl over my body after that joke but that's but that's a private thing It was a nice place for it. Well, I think Jamelia did crawl over my body after that joke. But that's a private thing. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text our show.

Many have on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show. Many have. On 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you will. Well, we've had some texts in, Frank, because you were returning

to the scene of your... I don't want to call it a failed gag. It's all right. You didn't think it went very well, a gag you did on Don't Ask Me, I'll Speak. It fell on stony ground. Yeah, we were calling the section stony ground. It's a, I can call it that. You didn't think it went very well, a gag you did on Don't Ask Me Ask Me. It fell on stony ground. Yeah, we were calling the section stony ground. It's a regular section every week. Well, for the next five weeks, anyway.

And the gag involved the mention of Kim Jong-un and a reference to him being a goth. 490. My favourite goth. Your favourite goth, I do apologise. An honest observation on gothgate. That's the title ofh, I do apologise. An Honest Observation on Gothgate. That's the title of the... I like that.

Already 490, I like your work. That does sound like Jonathan Swift Tale of a Tob and stuff like that. Brilliant. Would you like to hear the Honest Observation? Yeah. I don't think you're ready for this, Jelly. No, I'm alright for an on-ob. I think it got lost in the general noise

of the show. I had to rewind to hear it and laughed all by myself. Parenthesis, late review. That is lovely. What's the name of that person? 490. Thank you, 490. That's making me feel really personal.

Exactly. That's me reaching out. Now that's nice. Thank you very much. That can definitely happen. I sometimes worry that when i'm on panel games uh the things i say get lost in the general noise of the show so i think i think it's a thing yes really because i'm an introvert thing hashtag introvert i find it i find it physically difficult to interrupt people to crowbar my jokes in and i suppose that if it's

a live show it's not like you can say it again and think, oh, they'll lose the other one. You never want to say it again, though. Whenever people do that. Never go back. When you do a joke, it doesn't get a laugh, and you think maybe they didn't hear it, then you do it again, and it gets something less than silence.

You can have silence minus. Yeah. Totting, you really don't want. That would be a good autobiography, something less than silence. Yes. The blank blank story, fill in the blank blank there. Yeah. Tutting, you really don't want. That would be a good autobiography. Something Less Than Silence. Yes. The blank, blank story. Fill in the blank, blank there.

Yes. Who you think that would be Something Less Than Silence. My Panel Game Career by Alan Cochran. A heartbreaking memoir. You're very good on panel games, actually. I thought you said heartbreaking, but comedians have been buying it

for quite the opposite reason. We've also got 685 texting, the cult's Ian Astbury was my favourite goth until he morphed into Bon Jovi, or Aeneas in Dundee. Did he actually? I don't think he literally morphed into him. Oh, OK. Well, I dated someone from the cult.

Oh, did you? Yes. From the cult or a cult? From the cult when I was younger. Oh, do you? Yes. From the cult or a cult? From the cult when I was younger. Oh, do you want to name... You don't have to. It's okay, you don't have to. I was only pausing because I'd forgotten his name.

He was called Billy Duffy. Oh, Billy Duffy from the cult. These we have loved, ladies and gentlemen. That's not the strategy part. Okay. Favourite goth, though? He was very nice, though. Favourite goth?

No, he's not that... Oh, my favourite goth is Susie Sue. Oh, yeah, she's a very good... You okay with that one? I'm happy with that. You can't really argue with that. I mean, she... I mean, she was a goth before... You know, I think she started as a punk, but when you look back, I know you think, oh, she's got the

goth genes, if you know what I mean. I don't mean those very tight black ones. I mean, she's sort of inherently goth. What about Marilyn Manson, Frank? You mean genes? Yeah, I mean, to these people, you know, we don't mean those very tight black ones. I mean, she's sort of inherently got... What about Marilyn Manson, Frank? You mean jeans? Yeah, I mean, to these people, you know, we don't want to blur this too much. No, don't want to start putting emos in there

or punks, as you say. No, exactly. Exactly. But I'm here, I'm still happy to hear other people. I like your civilian goth. I like it when, you know, you're doing your parents' evening or something and a teacher walks past

and you go, goth, goth teacher. Yeah. know, you're doing your parents' evening or something and a teacher walks past and you go, goth, goth teacher. Yeah. Al, you're so right. I like a goth in an unexpected environment. Well, I'm a door office goth. What you need to do is... Goth serving you in a shop, hello.

Yeah, yeah, that sort of thing. What you need to do is to drive to more small English villages. Where there is always, there's often two goths. One becomes a goth and the other kid we know makes things you know what I know how to bond here

and they sit in the cemetery drinking cider I always loved those thank god they exist because the countryside without them what would it be yeah

8, 12, 15 12.15. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. In general, would you say the experience was a pleasurable one on your new show? Yes, in general. But I think it's always important to remember one's failures. Oh, is it? I think so. I think that's how we construct the rope ladder to greatness i think we need to send a group email to all sports stars then because

they don't do that they're actually coached to do the opposite of that well maybe i'm doing it wrong um dwelling on you know the one well it wasn't just one but i mean that one in particular but i think that's why don't you do that with anything if If you have a date, say on a first date, it might go really well, but you always think about that maybe I shouldn't have brought up the S&M community. That kind of thing. Yeah, maybe not. Yeah. But

not on the first. I'm thinking four. Do you think four would be about right? Yeah, four's good. Yeah. But anyway, have we heard anything else from... Yeah, Bob in Sheffield. Hi, Bob in Sheffield. about right yeah of course good yeah but anyway have we heard anything else from uh yeah bob in sheffield hi bob in sheffield hi sheffield i knew this would happen by the way i knew this suzy sue was not a goth banshees fans and punks are like a gathering of posse as we speak not me though i did say i did point this out this distinction i'm just saying we're going to get

into a whole goth i don't want to get into a whole goth can of worms here. Well, they might, but... OK. Well, I just would like to apologise. I just... I thought... I'm not saying she was actually a goth, but I thought her look... I'm talking about the aesthetics... I think she had a bit of inherent goth. I honestly, seriously regard goth as a high compliment.

It's just someone who's a bit thoughtful, it's one of the few teenage subcultures that aren't associated with violence. I agree with that. And they read books. And then it's a compliment, Bob and Sheffield. Yeah. OK.

So come on, relax. Come on, relax. Don't threaten us with the whole cutlery tradition. Hate it when that happens. So, yes, it's tricky. I mean, Bross, would you regard those as a goth band? No, I would regard them as a pop band. Chris Eubank told me.

Strong work. Matt Goth. That was brilliant. Strong work. I mean, that could be in a little section called These We Have Loved. That's called The Goth Joke That Worked. That could be called. It sounds like a children's book.

Can you imagine if you were in, let's say, Dawn. A little goth joke that could. Dawn Books looking at the children's section and you saw one called The Goth Joke That Worked. Wouldn't you think I'm getting this? Oh, I would so get it? May I say that I think the Stony Ground section of the show could also include a section where

you then come up with a different joke on the same topic. Now you're making it some sort of a challenge. Risen from the ashes or something like that. I'm not Annika Rice. What? I didn't mean to expose that on air. I think it's nice to leave a bit of ambiguity

with the am I Annika Rice thing how come all my pay slips say the Annika Rice radio show what's happened to you pay slips I like the fact we've got pay slips who are you employed by George Graham that'll do well on absolute 80s

the pay slip bit I tell you what I did. I went to the Rose Theatre in Kingston-upon-Thames the other night. Oh, nice. To see, can I say, if you can get out there, there is a fantastic play on there called Junkyard. Did you say it's a groundling on a cushion or is it one of those... You can go on the floor, can't you?

No, it's a stand. Can you go on the floor? Go on the floor there, yeah. No, not on this night. You couldn't. Oh, OK. Well, you can. You've obviously got mixed up. I'm a bit embarrassed on your behalf.

I've played it. Have you? I mean, worse things have happened. Live. Yes. You're quite right. Anyway... Got you back, Al.

There was a drinks reception on the upper floor I was told I'd already been to it once so I went up there and it was that sounds very ambassadors reception chatted to people

yeah so I went back to the drinks reception in the interval opened the door and it was completely the wrong room you know I have problems with

oh yeah and it was a group of teenagers sitting in a room with a man at the front and he turned to me he said um this is a heart of darkness workshop and i thought maybe they were discussing the my favorite goth joke together frank can we say that if anyone ever walks into this studio by mistake that's just what i'm going to say to anyone who ever walks into this studio by mistake. This is our Heart of Darkness workshop. That's just what I'm going to say to anyone

who ever walks into this room again. I'm going to say... Yes, Paul? Anyway, so I walked in and a lot of young people, mainly teenage girls, looked at me

and started giggling. I don't think they knew who I was. They just thought an old man in a young person's environment. Always funny. Seems an extreme reaction. Laughter. And it was that sort of, you know that sound that you start making when you get to about 25, that... That. There's a lot of...

No, it's because you're on the telly and they recognise you. I don't think they did recognise me. You don't just laugh at people because they're born before the age of 1995. I think the young do. A man on the train the other day... Weirdos. A man on the train said, I was going to ask you for a selfie, but then I realised my kids wouldn't know who you were.

Why bring that up? All of which could have gone unsaid. All of which? He could have ran through that whole dialogue just on his own. Also, stop living your life through your kids. You were a person beforehand. Totally. What if you wanted a nice picture of France?

Good show. Clearly he didn't. Good show, Emily. Good show. I took that as inferred. Obviously, I don't want one. I was going to get home and say, look at that, and then just say an old bloke, and that would be that.

It's not that big a novelty. Anyway, I've got the tiny face which tells me I'm talking for too much. I'm going to trail with... There's a very good goth text. Okay, we'll be back. I'd like to know how the workshop went. I'm going back.

I actually did go back, but I'll explain that in a minute. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 048 has been in touch. Ree Goths. Morning, team. Sadly, I believe Goths, much like the name Barry, are dying out.

I press you to find a Goth born after 1992. Long-term reader, first-time writer, praise redacted. Well, I would like to hear from any Goths born after 1992, just as proof first time writer Praise redacted Well I would like to hear from any goths born after 1992 Just as proof Well they won't be up yet It's a pernickety point But I think the name Gary is the one that's dying out Not Barry

I think Barry's fine If they're up they'll be in the cemetery of Little Middington In Leicestershire And in fact we've had an email titled Favourite Goth that I think probably is going to win our beautiful text email today. Beautiful text email? It's wonderfully put together, unlike my sentences. Listen to this.

Anagram that you can send in, what did that mean at 12.15? Well, listen to this. Beautiful text email. Let's see what you think to this. It's a full text email. Let's see what you think, Frank. It sounds like a Japanese translation. The English countryside without a goth is like a wide expanse of sea without a little boat on it. Beautiful, but missing a certain poignancy.

My favourite goth is a guy who used to frequent the same rock pubs as I did. He must have been close to seven feet tall and still insisted on wearing enormously sold boots. It was like meeting Darth Vader. Oh, the big thick here. Yes, they love a thick sole, the Goths. I was reading Yvette Fielding was...

You know, there's a new series of Most Haunted coming up. I didn't, actually. She did. we mentioned it on the TV show thanks for paying attention welcome to my life one of the things obviously when she's plugging a series

she has to tell quite a lot of lies so she says they asked her if she saw a ghost and she said yes I saw a seven foot bald man. Oh. During the series. I thought, was he standing very adjacent to a zebra crossing?

And wearing a sort of hooped top. Anyway, what else? Oh, yes, heart and dart. You were going to tell us, You were in the middle of a workshop I was having a workshop with some teenagers You basically walked into a room and they said Sorry, this is the Heart of Darkness workshop I went in the wrong room

And a man said This is Heart of Darkness workshop I should say, in case you don't know Heart of Darkness was a novella We'll call it, by Joseph Conrad The film Apocalypse Now was based on it. And I said, oh, and there was a lot of... And I said, it's a really good book.

A bit pathetic. And then I went out and then I thought... How many people in there, Frank? Oh, I would say... 30. What? So I remember it. Anyway.

I'm just glad that it was about the book, that you hadn't walked in and there's just a cadaver and a bloke wearing big rubber gloves saying, this is the heart of darkness. This guy was really evil. Or a very obese man in the corner. Yeah, saying, the horror. I actually mentioned the horror, I think.

And then I thought, I'll tell you what I did. Oh And then I thought, I'll tell you what I did. Oh, you didn't. I'll tell you what I did. I said, I'll come back at the horror bit. And then I thought, actually, I'm not sure he says that in the book. And also, then why not got to that bit in the book? Oh, I did spoilers at the Heart of Darkness workshop. It doesn't get any lower than that.

Anyway, as I then left the room, I thought to myself, now they think, if it's just in the film, they're going to think I've seen the film and I'm pretending to have seen the book, which I read about in the paper this week. It's happening a lot now. A lot of people claim they've read Lord of the Rings and, in fact, they've just seen the films.

It's become a new thing in the non-reading age. Well, people do that with The Great Gatsby as well. don't mean the original a bit like the graph like god you can read the great gatsby in two days i mean it's like gruffalo anyway so um well you can read that anyway um i'm a speed reader so what this is what this is what i did i went back in to the room. I'd left. I went back into the Heart of Darkness workshop. Why did you go back in? It's pathetic.

Yeah, but they've told you you're in the wrong room. I'm right, I'm right, I know. I went back in. Just leave it, Frank. Just leave it. Let's find out what it is. I'm interested. And I said, I said, I love that bit where he comes back from Africa

and he walks around thinking of all the people in the street. They don't know what life's about. He's the only one who really understands. And that's only in the book. And I did that. I went in and I did that. I realised, not when I'd done it, but after I'd done it, I went in that purely to prove to one man

and a bunch of teenage girls that I'd actually read the book. Now, how pathetic is that? I 12.15. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. What are we going to talk about now? What do you want? Oh, it's like, it all went a bit Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain, Super Silence. I'll tell you what we need to talk about this morning.

There's, I mean, I'm almost tempted to call him a friend of the show, but I don't know how you two will feel about that. He's a prince. Kim Jong-un. No. It's Prince Andrew. Not anymore. Oh, Prince Andrew.

Yeah, because we... Do you want to tell the readers what we do with Prince Andrew? Well, there's something about Prince Andrew. He's been involved in a few minor scandals and suspicions. So for some reason, whenever he appears on the telly, I always say, here he is, here he comes. I don't know why. It's from, I think, Watson and Oliver, their sketch show.

Oh, is it? But it was just, it was in a completely different context. I don't know why it fits him, but it's sort of... He's a bit of a lover. Here he comes. Here he is. The old rogue. I think it's also how they greet each other in The Sopranos.

Oh, is it? Whenever anybody walks in, they all go, here he is. Well, that's more apt. Yeah, maybe. I think there's something very... There's a bit... If I can say this, there's something slightly gangster, sort of. He's a bit G. Do you think he's a bit G?

I think Prince Andrew's a bit G. You sure you don't mean P? The prince? He's a bit P. He's got a sort of Mr Big, sort of. Well, he has. In so many ways. I mean, I've got...

We'll get on to it. Prince. Can you have a Prince Big? They say opposites attract. That's what I call him. Prince Big. They say opposites attract. From now on. So Mr Big is with Mrs Small. Not Millie Small who sang

My Boy Lollipop. No. Try more pint sized pop princess. Sid Little. Little by little. Autobiography. Claire Short. Former Labour MP. Autobiography. Claire Short. Former Labour MP. Tiny Tamper. I'd forgotten all about Claire Short.

Titchy Strider. Toxvig. He's whiz. Hardly even known. I mean, is this true? Come on. How can that possibly be? It's the strangest coupling since Darius Dinesh and Daisy Lowe.

Well, I think it's stranger than that. I think it's stranger than Pamela Anderson and... Julian Assange. Yeah, Julian Assange. And that takes some outstranging, doesn't it? It really, really does, yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's true, but please let it be. Because it's extraordinary.

Well, it seems to be well documented. He's smitten, apparently. 100% smitten. I love the idea of being smitten with Kylie Minogue. I mean, talk about late review. That happened in the 80s, didn't it? But also,

I love the return to real percentages. That's how you can tell that he's a prince, because if he was a footballer or a pop star he'd be 110% or 130%. Maybe he's not that keen at the moment. That's exactly the worry, isn't it? Because the biggest ever crush evidence I saw

if we go to English footballers and Australian soap stars was when Matt Letizia of Southampton dated Marilyn from, was that Neighbours or Home and Away? That was Home and Away. And I believe she played Emily in Home and Away.

Yes. And he had such, he was so in love that she went back to Australia and he flew as far as, what's the capital of Malaysia? Kuala Lumpur. He flew to Kuala Lumpur just to keep a company and then he flew back on his own. Wow. Can you imagine that?

And then they split up and she went out with the WH Smith there. Did she really? Oh, that was a great did she? That was a good did she. I felt like I was with the girls there having a gossip. Did she? WH Smith, one of the great initialed names. Initial names have disappeared now.

That's right. So the thing about Andrew and Kylie... C.R. Smith, of course, were pence, weren't they? I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind going for as a texting. What? Most famous single initial names. We'll go T-Rex. Single initial, not allowed to then, no J.R. Hartley-Rex. Single initially. You're not allowed two then.

No J.R. Hartley. No, I think single. I'll just put my favourite. J. Giles Band. I'm going to go J. Giles. J. Giles Band. Very good. No longer with us.

H from Steps. That's no. He's got to have a surname. I've got a good H one. What about this one? H. Samuel. Oh, come on. Come on!

Top that! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should say we've been talking a lot about goths this morning and it is Whitby Goth Weekend. So I'd just like to send... It's actually this weekend, is it? I believe so.

I'd like to send all my best wishes and support to all the goths out there. Do you know why the goth weekend is in Whitby Goth Weekend. So I'd just like to send... It's actually this weekend, is it? Yeah, I believe so. I'd like to send all my best wishes and support to all the goths out there. Do you know why the Goth Weekend is in Whitby? No. Because in Bram Stoker's book, that's where the ship lands with Dracula. Lovely intel. I think it's Dracula.

This is actually a Heart of Darkness workshop, though, so... Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm in the wrong room again. Always with the wrong room. So, what were we talking about? Do you remember our other... This is our second Heart of Darkness reference. Do you remember I couldn't remember the name of the main character?

And I wouldn't let you tell me, and I spent two days and then woke up in the middle of the night, Kurt. And texted me at 3am. 3am, saying, yeah, I've got it. It was just one, yeah, thank God there were no spelling mistakes in that text. Yes. I mean, we've got several text in plates spinning today.

Not just any goths born after 1991. We've also now got single initial names, haven't we? Yes. TK Maxx, somebody has texted. Is that a single initial? No, but I like it. I'll tell you something interesting about TK Maxx. Do.

In America, it's TJ Maxx. Oh, you know Gary Oldman's sister's on his numbers. But do you know why, don't you? Zing. Do you know why they changed it? No. Because they assumed that if they brought it over to the UK with TJ Maxx, that people would think it was just Tom Jones' old raincoats.

Oh, God! Sorry, but once you'd pulled me off on the Gary Oldman, I had to come up with an ending. That's the thing with the comedian, you have to come up with an ending. That's the thing with the comedian, you have to come up with an ending of some kind. Yeah. Well, John Barrowman goes to TK Maxx. Does he?

Yeah, I was talking to him once. He was going through his whole wardrobe. He was saying how sometimes he mixes and matches designer and, you know, TK Maxx. He went Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, TK Maxx, TK Maxx. That works. I love John Barrowman. So do I.

Frank, you're right to be pleased with H. Samuel. It does have a ring to it. Oh. Trayvon. Come on. Jacko in Essex, reader 384. One of the great staged deaths of all time. Oh.

Wow. That's a shame. What if he was in Essex, though? Working as a Michael Jackson lookalike. He's not in Essex. 646. L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard.

L. Ron Hubbard is very good. Yeah. Yeah. What about Mr. T from Steve and Wordsley? By the way, just to the producer, can you not just take me saying L. Ron Hubbard? That's very good. and use that as the trailer?

I don't want people to think I've gone I'm on cruise control. I mean... Okay. Anyway, we were talking about Prince Andrew and the punk-sized pop princess. Oh, we all were. No, we all were, I know. We did all.

Now, the other thing I like about Prince Andrew is he's a hair... Hold on, what was the first thing you liked about him? Well, I'll give you the two. The first is he's a hair product refusenik. He is, he's very fluffy. You two have both got lovely hair, but it looks slightly styled. His is, it's feathery very fluffy. So, you know, most men, you two have both got lovely hair, but it looks slightly styled. His is, it's feathery and fluffy, and you know you've talked in the past about those yellowing pictures in the barbers.

He looks like one of those. He does, actually. He favours a side part, doesn't he? Without any product. He could be, though, in the barber's portfolio of pick-your-hair-cut. He is. Andrew could be in there. But you're right, he doesn't use product.

And he favours, I think he's off duty. He's either suit or he's polo shirt with a Chino, Microsoft inventor Chino. And sometimes, if you look, you can see he's got a bit of crown hair. You know when you get crown hair from the ermine edge? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we all do.

They think the ermine will prevent it, but they're heavy. They forget how heavy those crowns are. I get flat cap hair. Do you? You know, different strokes for different folks, isn't it? How can I put this? Look, I don't think you're going to be troubled by crown head, if you know what I mean.

No. But I think he must wear... I mean, skips a generation, I've heard. Skips a generation. The thing but I think he must wear... I mean... Skips a generation, I've heard. Skips a generation. The thing is, and the problem is... Prince Charles would kill for crown hair. I mean, maybe literally. The thing is, Kylie is something of a fashion icon.

Is she? I believe she's... Yeah, she's a Dolce & Gabbana ambassador. Is she? In a way, aren't we all? A Dolce & Gabbana ambassador? I think? In a way, aren't we all? A Dolce & Gabbana ambassador? I think I'm more of a TK Maxx ambassador. Does she take Dolce & Gabbana to starving people in the third world?

Yeah. Wait, can you be an ambassador for that? You're asking me, but I am wearing a T-shirt today which says, Fashion Stole My Smile, which is a Victoria Beckham T-shirt. It's VB. I thought it was D&G for a second. That's not D&G. Stefano and Dominica. Are you a Victoria Beckham ambassador?

I'd love to be. Oh, yeah. I'm a... M&S. What would you be an ambassador for? I'm a monsoon attaché. Attaché. I used to be a... River Island minister without portfolio.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We're talking about Prince Andrew and Kylie Minogue this morning on Absolute Radio. Yeah, you heard, people. It's true. You heard. It's like hearing Alan de Botton is dating Katie Price or something like that, isn't it? It's just a weird... I can imagine that.

That's got to be a fact. You can imagine that. That's Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe type thing. True enough. Yeah. True. Although I bet people talked about that at the time. I bet they went, have you heard?

I think people accept that if someone is attractive, it can break down a lot of barriers. Yeah. Well, they're inseparable, apparently. Who's this? Prince Andrew. Oh, I don't want to think about that. He got in touch after she split up

with her last boyfriend. This made me laugh. To offer his condolences. His condolences? What had she done? Killed him? Offer his condolences. The vultures circled her as soon as they hear you.

The condolences. You can imagine. It's not even a night's move, is it? She picked up the phone, saw P. Andrew come up on the screen, and I bet she went, here he comes. Here he is.

I mean, I read that in the papers. He offered his condolences. I know. Legend! He's a total legend. I just hope he treats her well. Well. Okay?

Yeah. Because, you know, he's been through a fair few. Has he? I believe so. Well, of course she is in many ways, Koo Stark, too. Because, you know, he went out with Koo Stark in his early days. Do you know who Koo Stark is? I don't know who Koo Stark is.

She was a very, very pretty actress who was in... A soft porno film. Oh, I don't know. We can't say that. Can you say that? I don't think we can say that. The producer looks fine about it. OK, I'm horrified.

She looks amused more than worried. She was in films that were shown at proper cinemas, but they had a saucy element. She's laughing, it's fine. Oh, I remember her and Victor Spinetti on a carriage, which I didn't like at all. Well, I did like then, but looking back, wish I hadn't. But the point is...

But he obviously had the eye... In his early days, he thought, what I'm doing with Prince, I'm going to do like a Prince Rainier and get myself a Grace Kelly. He went for Koo Stark and the Queen said, I don't think so. And that was the end of that. Now, I don't know how she's going to respond. Put it this way, he's had the yellow sticky with celebrity girlfriend over his desk for a number of years and he has finally got around to it you think that's crumpled in the wastebasket now i should

think so but um the queen i don't think has any idea of the television show Neighbours or even of the concept of Neighbours. Very good. I don't think she has. They don't have Neighbours, do they? No, she wouldn't know about that. You never hear anyone say, oh, yeah, I live next door to the Queen, actually.

What are you talking about? When the Queen meets Kylie and she says, so what are you known for? She goes, Neighbours, Mum. And she's going, come again? Yeah, exactly. No, I'm still not getting it. What is this concept?

And then she'd say, I should be so lucky. And she'd say, oh, that's what they all say. All the girlfriends. But it's quite, you can't accuse her of having a type. I mean, Kylie. No. Because we've had Jason. You really can't.

Michael Hutchence, Prince Andrew, everybody talk about pop music, talk about. having a type. I mean, Kylie. No. Because we've had Jason. You really can't. Michael Hodgson, Prince Andrew, everybody talk about pop music, talk about. Well, Lenny Kravitz. Did she win out with Lenny Kravitz? Yes, Lenny Kravitz to Prince Andrew, come on. I mean, they've both got a back catalogue to be worthy of discussion.

Have you seen Koo start recently? Still a beautiful woman, but she's gone for the long grey hair. OK. You know when some women just think, no, I'm just going to let it go grey and leave it long? I don't know how many cats she's got. I'm guessing between 12 and 20.

But she still looks great. She looks great. But of course, he's upgraded. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. She looks great. But of course he's upgraded. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, I wonder what Angry Anderson acts like. Oh, now there's a name.

Angry Anderson brought out a song called Suddenly when Jason Donovan and Kylie Minow got married in Neighbour, Scott and Charlene. Yeah. In fact, I often play the band on this show. Slight Joe Dolce accent there, Scott and Charlene. Oh, was it? So, yeah, and he brought out Suddenly, which is what wedding nights used to be like, of course.

Yeah. He was bald. So everything happened quite suddenly. Yeah. Not anymore. You're OK, Frank. Well, it's true, isn't it? Wedding nights used to be like a really big thing

because they used to be like, you know. Right, yeah. And now people have lived together usually for ages or if they haven't lived together, they've at least. That's quite sensible, Frank. I know, but, you know, spoilers. I think the spoilers are quite healthy, though. Do you?

Yeah, you can... Oh, I like the idea of... You want to know what you're getting into. Anyway, we shouldn't get too far into wedding nights, but I think angry Anderson is now absolutely livid Anderson when he's, you know, with Prince Andrew. Do you think he's going to have to rewrite all this stationery? He can get some more printed.

Do you think he's got money, Angry Anderson? I don't know. Yeah, because I always say that he was in the days when you made money, you could retire off one song. But did he have other hits? He didn't need to have other hits back then, love. One was enough, yeah. What if he had anger management

and now he just does chill out music? Maybe he runs an anger management company and he's called Anger Management Anderson. AA. If anyone out there knows what happened to Angry Anderson, I'd love to hear it. I know we could Google it, but I don't like it.

Very strange textings this morning. Golf's Angry Anderson. It seems the weird textings are never running out, doesn't it? But she's basically been out with beautiful men, hasn't she, Kylie? Yes, I'd say that's true. So she's making an exception now. A long line, every one of them since she was broken. Maybe she's thought, you know, they've all treated me badly in the end.

Who was that sort of Oliver somebody? Oh, he wasn't nice to her, I don't think. And it's such a surprise when a male model isn't nice to you. No, exactly. I mean, you know. I think she maybe needs to venture into pastures new. It's not working out with the... Well, she's certainly done that.

Yeah, royalty. Yeah. But she's probably had enough of Hearts Broken, and she don't want to take that any more. That's my verdict. Now, I saw a picture of her in Spectacles. Is that something she's been doing for a while? She's advertising some Spectacles.

She is an ambassador. You're kidding me. She's an ambassador. Oh, for someone else now. Yeah. Spec Savers? I think it is Spec Savers, yeah. She's an ambassador.

That's why she's going out with Prince Andrew. That's going to be the advert. I think it's maybe one of those stories. Shot of them together. Her and it's going to, she should have gone to Spec Savers. I think that's it. I think that's what's happening.

With a male model, and they'll cut to a male model sitting looking at his watch outside a cafe. Like, you know, she's got their own. Yeah, David Gandhi at the cafe. Yes. She's advertising. What's happened to Kylie Minogue?

She's got one minute, she's like, sexiest woman in the world. Well, she's still sexy. I turn away, I look back, she's advertising glasses and going out with Prince Andrew. Yeah, it is strange. It's a strange... Have I been asleep for about 15 years?

Like some sort of Rip Van Winkle. Oh, I've just got an itch. I feel a bit sorry for the princes. Why? Because their uncle's going out with Kylie Minogue. It's a bit like... Oh, wow. The boys?

Yeah, the boys. They don't know Kylie. They've got all the fish to fry now. Do they even know who Kylie Minogue is? They must. Yeah, she always does these things at the palace. Oh, is she one of those palace turner-uppers? Duran Duran?

She's a palace turner-upper. The ones that something Daisy producer watches likes them. Yeah. Who else? Quo. It used to be ones that something Daisy, producer watches, likes them. Yeah. Who else? Quo. It used to be Quo. Well, we can't mention them all. What about when...

What about when... We can't mention them all, Frank. No. What about when Brian May got on the roof of Buckingham Palace and played a guitar? I mean, come on. I know. Where were the police snipers?

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now there's a bit of news I'd like to raise this morning. OK. We haven't mentioned him in a while on this show, which is a shame. Is he Prince Andrew again? No.

OK. Which is a shame, because he's one of my favourites. Charles Bronson, fiend of the show. Fiend of the show? Oh, Charles Bronson. I mean, that could be a section on this show. Yeah, fiend of the Show. Fiend of the Show. Oh, Charles Bronson. I mean, that could be a section on this show. Yeah, Fiend of the Show.

King Jong-un. I think you'll find he's now called Charles El Salvador. That's correct. After Salvador Dali. Of course. I believe,

because he's an artist. Where does the L bit come from? Isn't it Charles El Salvador? It is. But he thought it was a bit of a pun on El Salvador

and it is a reference to Salvador Dali. He's not going to call himself El Salvador like H is. But he thought it was a bit of a pun on El Salvador, and it is a reference to Salvador Dali. He's not going to call himself El Salvador like H. Samuel. No. OK. No. He thought he'd mix it up a bit. Oh, Henry.

There's a writer called Oh, Henry. Is there? I mean, not... Oh, Henry! Yes. There's a hole in my bucket. Isn't the Fifty Shades of Grey person an initialed person? E-L...

Oh, two. E-L Nesbitt. Yeah. Is it Whistie? No. I want to say Whistie. No, that's... E-L James.

Who's E-L Whistie, then? That's Peter Cooks. Oh, that's right. E-D James. Anyway, these are multiple. I'm on a single. No, he doesn't allow multiple. Single initial.

Can I just tell you, we've had an email. P-D-D-M M People LL Cool J. LL wrong. No, but LL Cool J Why do you say wrong? Because of the J. It's not wrong. No. None of the same J is the single. You didn't post this weird rule about one initial. Yeah, exactly.

You know what LL Cool J? This is a Gary Oldman sister. LL Cool J stands for? Yes. Good. Are we all saying it together? One, two, three. Ladies love Cool James. Lovely. Anyway, back to Charles Bronson in the cell.

I think that's our first ever community rapper name reciting we've ever done, aren't we? Have we done much speaking in chorus? I don't know. It was like the start of watching antigone or something like that wasn't it oh what a lovely island that is wrong room i've told you it's heart of darkness workshop this morning so meanwhile over in uh maximum security prison can i just tell you on the subject of salvador you want to leave charles bronson think about it I'll come back to Charles. Okay. I must have told you,

I went out with a woman once back in Birmingham who said to me that the only reason, when we fell out, she said the only reason I ever went out with you is you look like James Woods in Salvador. You do look a bit like James Woods. People don't even remember him now, but she went for that reason. You do look a bit like James Woods. People don't even remember him now, but she went for that reason.

You do look like him. But is that a good reason for someone to go out with you? I've had worse. I mean, imagine if Prince Andrew said I'm going to go out with you because you look a bit like Danny Minogue. I'd be absolutely furious. She'd be more furious than Angry

Anders. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were on Charles Bronson news, weren't we? Or have you got more El Salvador? No, no, I think I made my point. You just stepped off to return. Basically, here's the news. Charles Bronson, who I think people would know

as Britain's most famous violent prisoner. Britain's most dangerous, I believe. Most dangerous. And he is boycotting Coleman's mustard because the brand shares a name with his fiancée's ex-boyfriend. I mean, there's so many bits of that sentence that made me juggle there. He's not a fan of Chris Coleman. He's what?

Well, anyone to do with Coleman he doesn't like. Yeah, it seems a strange thing, though. I mean, I'm not sure he entirely understands the concept of the boycott, which I think you're supposed to do because you disagree with the company's political movements or whatever it is that they do. And I don't think him... How's that going to affect them? Also,

I wonder if he realises that he may not have that much choice on what condiments he gets if he's in solitary confinement or jail. Well, I think you're a bit out of date on that. You're kidding me. I imagine there's a whole condiment selection. No. I don't think you're a bit out of date on that. You're kidding me. I imagine there's a whole condiment selection. No. I don't think anyone's going to be forced to eat a brand that they

don't want, are they? What? Even... I mean, what is this? Charles Bronson might force them. Even Britain's most violent offender can say I'm not having that much to do. I don't think... Can I say, in defence of Charles Bronson, he's never killed anybody. Okay. Okay. When you say defence, what we mean is it's okay for us

to talk about him no i mean it's okay to talk about him because he's a celebrity i think it's fair to say but um i don't think you can call him the most violent when there's people in who have he's called britain's most dangerous prisoner that's what he's called most dangerous yeah because he's constantly getting into scrapes right Frank. Scrapes? I can understand that. Scrapes? Like, who is he, Frank Spence? Oh, I've been in a scrape again. He once covered himself in... Was it butter? He covered himself in margarine.

I got top of margarine, Betty. He was planning something and he didn't want to be grabbed. When you say planning something... When he was planning to go... I don't want to know. He was going to do something naked and buttered. It was grappling. Was it grappling?

Yeah, as in he wanted to attack someone, I think. Yeah, you don't want to be fighting. And he put the butter on himself so that he couldn't be caught. I mean, it's a cleaner. He's no fool. My daughter once covered herself from head to foot in Vaseline in her bedroom whilst playing, and catching her to wash her was a real undertaking. Yeah. It it was you know

that slippery fish thing it was like that i used to have a uh a nine and a half pound carp yeah and when i took that from one room to another it was the same problem you couldn't get any purchase yeah had it been a perch it would have been different but i couldn't get any purchase so he did some little drawings i love love his art, by the way. I think it looks good. Sorry, it's not here. Yet. I know. He's done some

drawings. So the first one, there was a picture of a cartoon of a mouse that he's yelling at. Saying, you little vermin, don't you dare bring that in my cage again yes the mouse has brought him the coleman's mustard of course yes and as we know he is now eschewing the coleman's mustard in favor of french yeah i seem to remember that the man who went out

with the widow of big daddy wouldn't have brown sauce in the house. Is that right? Daddy's sauce. Thanks for helping me out. Well, where were you with my favourite golf? Yeah. And Prince Andrew, because of his jealousy of Jason Donovan, has stopped shopping at JD Sports. Has he? Yeah, doesn't go.

Where he gets his stuff from now, because one often sees him in sportswear. What's his sport? They're often associated with sports, the Royal Family. Andrew. Oh, golf, I reckon. You reckon? No, I've never seen him play golf. Oh, the Polo shirt and the Microsoft Inventor chinos, I told you. Interestingly, considering all the Scottish connection, you never see the Royals playing golf. No. No, he's on golf courses doing business

Charles used to play polo didn't he yeah he did pony and trap thing was Duke of Edinburgh pony and trap thing whatever you call that thing I think the boys are quite rugby oriented it's carriage driving

carriage driving I believe it's called. Carriage driving, a bit of that. Yeah, I think... He didn't have Kustar and Victor Spinetti in the back. That's how they met. He arrived with them. Well, Andrew was... He was in...

He was in Red Arrows, wasn't he? He wasn't a Red Arrow. No, but he was in Aviation. Imagine squeezing him into one of those little cockpits. He was a pilot. Iezing him into one of those little cockpits. He was a pilot. I think that was the problem eventually. They said, we can't get you in here. Was he a marine?

He'd be the only red arrow who had a convertible. So he'd get his enormous head in. Imagine that going back. All right, all right, guys, everything's fine. It's the speed gun. I wish I'd gelled. My hair's all over the place. We just had a text from 540.

It appears to be from Blondie Hitler's dog. We've just had a text from 540 It appears to be from Blondie Hitler's dog We've just had a text from 540 Congratulations A little bit Inspector Clouseau as well there on my second rendition I'm going to have a third go at this Third time lucky We have just had a text from 540

that made me lol You know we've been doing favourite goth texting My favourite goth is Darren Goff. Oh, lovely. Yeah. Although, I will say this, I mean, if he were a goth in real life, imagine the torch, bless you.

Two sneezes of a morning. Two sneezes of a morning. Once I went twice a kiss. One more to go. If Darren Goff were a goth, it would be a torment being a cricketer, wearing white all that time. That would be terrible.

He must yearn for a long leather coat. If he could get into the New Zealand One Day team, he'd be all right. Would he? By playing black. Probably not Matrix-style black leather jacket. Matrix. No. No. Matrix. No.

No, indeed. It's a good job they've got a new companion on Doctor Who or Charles Bronson wouldn't be able to watch it because it was Charlotte Coleman. Not Charlotte Coleman. Jenna Coleman. Jenna Coleman, yeah. God bless Charlotte Coleman.

The thing is, he's in... Meanwhile, over in Wakefield Prison, Yorkshire, Charles Bronson has, I mean, the woman he's marrying is Paula Williamson. She was an ex-soap star, I believe. Oh, yes. And he already did his own composition of My Way.

Oh, yes. Which I think I sent to you, Frank. Yeah. In case you missed it. Who knew? Again. Yeah. He changed the lyrics, didn't he? Yeah, which I don't think is actually legal unless you... No, so maybe we shouldn't say... Although the parody laws have changed somewhat. He doesn't strike me as a man who's worried about law-breaking, Frank.

No, nobody's above the law. Do you think he's thinking, oh, God, copyright law, this is going to be an extra three days on this sentence. What if he brought it out as a single? Then he would have been in trouble. He's already in a bit of trouble. Are we allowed to say what he changed the lyrics to?

Or will we get in trouble? No, then we'll get in trouble. Oh, OK. We better not say it. I don't know if we will, but let's be safe. Better safe than soz. The thing is with CB... CB? They could play it on CB radio they could play on CB radio. He's very CB radio.

You know, he got the girl at the end of the day. He's the victor. To the victor goes the spoil. So I don't know why he's still angry. I know exes can be a looming figure in a relationship. But he's been through a few girls. Has he? Yes.

And he's had through a few girls. Has he? Yes. And he doesn't want... He's had enough of Hearts Broken. Well, I don't think he'll ever have enough of Hearts Broken. But there's a picture... What about Arms Broken? There's a picture of her with her previous fiancé. Coleman. Yeah, Coleman. Yeah.

Exactly. Let's just call him Coleman. And, weirdly, this is pre-Bronson. You know what I'm going to say? If you see this photograph... I know exactly what you're going to say. Can you tell me where the photo is taken, Al? There at the grave of Ronald and Reginald Cray.

I found that a bit... And she's wearing a Cray's T-shirt. It's almost like she's got a thing. Yeah. For the underworld. I think having your photos... I mean, as you know, I was recently at the grave

of Colonel Sanders. I let you have an exception, but I normally ban cameras in cemeteries. Yeah, I think it's a little bit... I mean, maybe that's... Crass? I don't know.

I made me uneasy about it. Oh, me too. It is somebody's grave, after all. So for Coleman, who's now no longer with her, I think he could move forward. No longer with us, I think he's uneasy about it. Oh, me too. It is somebody's grave, after all. So for Coleman, who's now no longer with her, I think he could move forward. No longer with us, I thought you were going to say. He's no longer with her. He could move forward thinking, well, perhaps I'm a goodie,

and therefore she doesn't like me. She seems to be attracted to baddies. She was wearing the crazed T-shirt at the grave. She's now going out with Britain's most dangerous prisoner. Perhaps I'm actually a goodie. You know, it's nice sometimes to have a nice feeling about yourself. Well, I understand that Timbrook Taylor, when his relationship's cracked down,

consoles himself with a similar thought. And Graham Garden. I'm not going to keep going. Oh, go on, do them all. Two out of three ain't bad, as I believe Meatloaf once said. Murray, he was talking about buying chips. He'd ordered three. After two lots, he said, oh, I'll tell you what.

But come on, guys. Two out of three. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're near the end of the show. Tune in next week when there'll be more stony ground from my life. Looking forward to that. Oh, yeah.

Can't actually wait. I mean, I actually think I will think about that every day. I think it's quite feasible there'll be a joke that goes so badly or make my favourite goth look like Del by falling through the bar flap. But anyway, that's someone to look forward to. Thank you so much for listening today. What else

can I add? I think, is it World Bookshop something tomorrow, anybody? There you go. It's those kind of plugs that put things on the map. Bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.