The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Red Winestein

Episode Date: January 10, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Zoe Lyons and Alun Cochrane. The team discuss pens, titles and tweeting for loo roll. They also decide that it's not too late for New Year's resolutions.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and with Zoe Lyons this morning. Good morning, Zoe. Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Morning. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Is it via or via? Via. Thanks. OK, that's why Zoe's here. You can go now. My job is done. Yes, so, yes, welcome, Zoe.

Thank you. Nice to be here. It's lovely to have you here. Would you agree, Alan? Yeah, we gave Zoe the little chat about, you know, read some of the emails, but not all. Yeah, don't read the abusive emails. Don't read the abusive, but there's some that have to go in other columns.

Like, there's a miscellaneous column now. This would look like it could be one that she might want to read. It's an email that says, looking forward to seeing Alan. Good morning to you all. I know you hate to advertise your other works, Frank, but can I say it's good to see Room 101 back on Friday nights. But, Frank, what I would like to know is when will your friend and colleague Mr Alan Cochran be appearing?

Well, can I tell you, I have tried my best. I think this is a show listener that didn't hear the episode where we discussed how you embarrassed the producers in front of me. By saying, yes, this is Alan, who I keep asking you to put on the show. Yeah, I think you'd be brilliant on it. Thanks very much. I think there's an anti-Northern bias on the BBC generally. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, I can take that as...

I'll take some solace from that. It's more about the North-South divide than anything else. That's why he's never on the telly, he's only on the radio. Do you know Ian McMillan, Sally? No, I don't. He's a Northern poet. Oh, yes, I do know. Very commonsensical.

Oh, yes, he's got a lovely voice. It sounds like... Sound of a bee. It sounds like you can hear it. You can hear the bee. Whenever I do listen to him, I have an image of tartan slippers in my head. He gives off that image. Yes. I've met him.

He's genial. Yeah. I bet. Yeah. Yeah. You surprised by that? No. It's hard with the Northern. You've got the two images to work with. You've got the friendly and then you've got the dour. I think we know which I'm bringing to the party. I know. That's what I like about you.

There's no grey areas. See, I've got a northern twang without any real northern... My mum's from the north but I'm not from the north. Where are you from? All over. I'm like the travelling robot. Please, I'm going to stop you now before you say wherever I hang my hat.

Wherever I perch my beret. I've only had two job interviews in my life. And on one of them, there was a man who I instantly took to. And I said, where are you from? And he said, well, you know, wherever I hang my hat. And I said, I couldn't resist. I said, what hat? And he said, no, no, it's like a... And I made him explain it to me.

Oh, yes, that's what... Literalism, that's what shoots them down in the end. OK, so I'd like to... Can I tell you a little story? I saw something recently, which I don't... Max Bygrave. I'd forgot they existed. Yeah I don't... Max Bygrave. I'd forgot they existed. Yeah, I think they're Max Bygrave's impression.

He's underused on commercial radio. I saw a pen shop. Now, I was surprised to see a pen shop. Is it just that I don't notice them? Are they all over the place? Do you mean a stationery shop? No, I mean a shop that... Well, let me put it this way it's

a shop that i think that the proprietor's dream was that it would only sell pens and then they'd you know when a shop you know when a shop isn't going well and suddenly they're cutting keys he'd started cutting keys and he'd gone as far as the rack of Zippo lighters. You know, that's another thing where they think, well, maybe I could go as far as the Zippos. But, yeah, I'm worried for the business. But would you? Have you ever been in a pen shop? No. I don't. I'm fairly confident I have not been in a just pens shop.

Like, I've been in stationery shops. Oh, I like a stationery shop. Some people really love them. I do really like them. I was out buying my new 2015 journal only this week. All right, big man. Woo! I'm late with that. Pardon?

I'm looking for 2016 already. Are you? I'm planning way ahead. I tell you what I do. I start the new year in the old year. I'm in, so I'm writing on the inside back cardboard cover yeah okay so i like to keep it in that book as long as i can and then i like to emerge but yeah i love i i delight in a stationary shop but i i don't think i've ever owned a really nice pen zoe

i have a very nice pen but it was given to me it was well hold that, because I don't know if you were told about this, we have to play music as well as talk. Oh, really? I know, it's a nonsense. Best Chat Show, that was our award. Was it chat? Talk. Talk. Spoken word. Spoken, what was it? What was the name of it? Best Talk Radio.

No one knows. We won an award, none of us know what it was. I think it was cycling proficiency. Frank Skinner is his name, and this radio station is Absolute Radio. Also, it said, there was a sign in the window of the pen shop that said, pens bought and sold. Can't be right, can it?

This one's stopped working, I'd like to say. You have like an old biro in your pocket and you say, I wonder how much for this? I suppose it's because- 7p. I suppose your posh pen, you buy the pen and then you get a series of refills. Yeah. Yeah. You get refills.

Yeah. Yeah. I do have a posh pen. Yeah, so tell us. So, my, my, my little brother for a significant birthday bought me a really nice pen. I've got a Mont Blanc pen. A Mont Blanc? A Mont Blanc.

OK. Which is... I love it. It's something I'd never buy myself. But does it... When you write with it, does it feel nice? Oh, the words that come out of that pen. Oh, really? Oh, the eloquence, the flow of language.

No, I mean, I still do... It's like Billy's boots, isn't it? I'm still writing to-do lists, you know. Billy's boots pen, yeah. I'm still writing, like, toilet duck, you know, to-do lists with it. But I do enjoy it. And my Montblanc pen is treated very well. It's like a sort of housebound Siamese cat.

It never leaves the house. Oh, because you're not going to re-sleuthen it, no. And it sleeps on a little leather bed. I think people do do that. I once wrote... I sleep on a little leather bed. Do you? Yeah.

Wearing your leather crown. Someone made you. World of leather, that's what I call my house. World of leather. As part of your membership of the community. Three leather Zs suspended on fishing twine above my bed to suggest sleeping. Nice. Yeah, I think people that have nice pens get quite possessive about them because i once wrote something for a guy and uh and i went

oh is this my pen you know like you do with byros and he too quickly went no it's mine yeah and i went oh is this a really nice pen and it was one of those that's why i don't take him out the house that's why i don't take him out of the house. Him? Yeah. He's Monsieur Montblanc. This is why I don't understand expensive sunglasses, because there are certain things in life which are meant to be lost. You know, sunglasses, umbrellas. You don't want to go splashing out on an umbrella. Yeah, that's why I've always avoided the silver-handled,

sword-tipped umbrella. It's just pointless. I'll leave it on an umbrella. Yeah, that's why I've always avoided the silver-handled, sword-tipped umbrella. It's just pointless. I'll leave it on the train. Yes. Well, I own a Montblanc, which I've never used, and I'll tell you why. By the way, other pens are available. Parker.

Now, when I did the Michael Parkinson show, which I believe was called Parkinson... There was a Parkinson's pen available as well. Yeah, but you got a present, and the present was a Mont Blanc pen, which had inscribed on the side, Parkinson. And I think that's ironic, because I wonder if the closure of pen shops

and the struggle of pen shops across the country isn't because Michael Parkinson is giving away free ones on the telly to people just for inquiring. I'm just as happy with the Sharpie, though, as well, can I just say that? The other end of the market. I get a little excited around a packet of Sharpies. Only if I were writing on a balloon would I use a Sharpie. Oh, I love that sound.

Yeah. Oh, it's the smell I'm after. Apparently, Parkinson's... You know this thing about you get a free Parker pen just for inquiring? It's inquiring about anything. Really? If you see him in the street, say, all right, Michael, I could give you a pen.

Yeah, what's pie? Just anything. Just ask him any general knowledge question. Anything. He wouldn't know that. But, yeah. Yeah. He'd say, Lancashire op. question anything he wouldn't know that but yeah yeah he'd say Lancashire up

no he wouldn't he'd say oh I can't get out of this link I'm trapped somebody help me out of this link come on Zoe

help me out of this link I'm drowned I need Kate Winslet to hold my hand too late you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We chat during the music, obviously.

I don't think we sit here in complete silence. Occasionally we bug out to it if we really like it. Yeah, we will. We will do that. We'll do that interspersed with chat. I didn't do it to the last track, but I've done it to other tracks. And we were talking, and we got on to the subject of voiceovers, obviously,

because we're adverts on and stuff. And Zoe, you've done a voiceover, which sounded fairly challenging. I've only ever done one voiceover in my entire life, and it was for... I ended up playing a... I was playing the part of a red wine stain. Brilliant. You know when you turn up and the was for, I ended up playing a, I was playing the part of a red wine stain. Brilliant.

You know when you turn up and the director goes you'll be playing the red wine stain and you try No, I don't know that. Me neither. My CV's mainly white wine stains. Well, white wine stains are quieter and just, yeah. Of course, yeah. Mine's not alcoholic wine stains.

The only thing, the white wine stain comes in if there's a red wine stain already there. Of course. Mine's not an alcoholic wine stain. The only white wine stain anyone comes in is if there's a red wine stain already there. Of course. That's what I brought to the role. The snubber out. The Edward Woodward of wine stains. The white wine stain. I'll just snub you out.

And I played a red wine stain. I wasn't really aware. I didn't really know how to approach it. So I just... Not having heard many red wine stains in my life, not, you know, the roars of the Rioja, I didn't really know. So I just sort of...

I've heard the effect of red wine on a lot of people. Yeah. Or the effect of a red wine stain on you. Were you tempted to play it a little bit inebriated because it was wine? No, no, no, because... no, because I played it very straight. Oh, OK. I played it very straight.

Yeah, I played it very straight. What did you have to say? Do you remember? In fact, I hadn't even written the script. Oh, you improv'd it. So I improv'd it. I riffed it. Wow. It went something along the lines of, I'm a red wine, stay with me.

And they went, that is amazing. And I went, well, I have found a new niche. I have found a new... You did it like that? Yeah. You went Theophilus T. Wilderby. I think you brought quite a lot to it rather than played it straight. I rock and rolled it up.

Yeah, that's Zoe's straight. Yeah. Wow. I'm glad we didn't say, keep to the radio, but just play it straight sure morning how you doing

so we stopped that wow that's excellent you know what they say in vino vertas they do they do say that that's my one and only

voiceover job I once got auditioned for continuity work but I had a really bad cold the day I went so I didn't get the job they don't like that do they they really don't if you've got neck to but I had a really bad cold the day I went, so I didn't get the job. They don't like that, do they? They really don't. If you've got neck-dup on the weather,

the book of sport. Yeah. No, they don't like that. They sense it hitting the microphone. Big spray. Yeah, it's not good. This is Absolute Radio. And that is Frank

Skinner. We've had another email that I would say is perhaps is Absolute Radio. And that is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've had another email that I would say is perhaps an example for Zoe of the sort of emails that we wouldn't normally read. I like this. Can you please send me more details of how to get Absolute Radio at home and

in my car clearly? I have a 14 plate Ford Focus. Also radios at home, which I can't seem to get absolute radio at home and in my car clearly. I have a 14-plate Ford Focus, also radios at home, which I can't seem to get your station clearly. 14-plate? Yeah, I think he's saying his vehicle is a 2014. You know, like, that's what year it is. Oh, OK. I would argue that is unnecessary information.

I thought he made it from crockery. It's a Greek wedding car. Delivers the bride at Greek weddings. Then they throw it up the wall. Yeah. I mean, the short answer is we personally, I'm going to go out on a limb here, we personally can't

explain how to get absolute radio out of your home. Well, speak for yourself. But, I just don't have time to do it now. I could do it. Really? Yeah. OK.

Don't you just program it into the radio? Am I overcomplicating things here? I would just press search until Absolute comes up. Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, we're all different. I mean, I haven't got a 14-plate Ford Focus. Mine's, um... I made mine out of 13 separate teacups.

Oh, did you? We're all different, as you say. Yeah. I'll tell you what I did this week. I tidied my... There's a room where I work, and it's become... Office? I'm going to call it that.

It's a 16-plate office. Nice. But one of them is one of those big turkey plates you only use at Christmas. And that's what I work on. No, I... It's gone into a bit of a mess, so I did a tidying job.

I'd spent... It went about two or three days, it took me, and I got it absolutely... I didn't just tidy, but I threw away everything I didn't want. I really gave it the fine tooth coat. Did you do a lot of shredding? Well, my PA did a bit of shredding on my behalf.

But basically, at the end of it, I thought, God, it looked great. It looked really great. And I thought, no, this is poor. I thought, I suppose, really, I thought I suppose really that's a sort of a New Year's resolution. And I did, I retrospectively made it a New Year's resolution

that I had then completed. Oh, I see. Now that's not fair, is it? I'm gathering New Year's resolutions like a lint roller. I think it counts. I think it counts I think it counts Is it alright to do something and then say you know what, that's my New Year's resolution

Sometimes I will retrospectively go back in my diary and put in things that I've done so that it makes that week look less dull than it actually was Things you've done later in the year That weren't planned Oh, I see My theory is that if I'm ever involved you've done later in the year that weren't planned but i just thought oh i said yeah so that my

theory is that if i'm ever involved in a horrific accident or something and they find my diary they they think i had a really busy life yeah yeah they were like wow she was busy i don't know how she's the car that went instead i don't know how she even treated this incident in what a smart person you're so many people are wondering about. They worry about their underwear if they're in a serious accident. But you? Yeah. It's your whole life. It's my whole life.

Yeah, I think that's... Schedule. But the trouble is, they might think, well, let's not try too hard to save her. She's had a full life, hasn't she? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We'll just touch briefly there on the New Year's resolution. It's a, I would say it's a commercial radio. In fact, the radio standard, when you go to the New Year, you say, well, so why don't you text in your New Year's resolutions, that number again, 34590111. And sometimes I think we should do more of that stuff. Give them what they want? Yeah, give them what they want.

Yeah, they want to tell us their New Year's resolution. They want 20-second links in which I say, Coldplay, sounding great! Yeah. And then they just want more music. Is this your way of saying, text us on 8-12-15 with your New Year's resolution? No. Is it really? Not really. I didn't think so.

I don't read it. I'd like you to text us on 8-12-15 with my New Year's resolution and the best one I will endeavour to keep. What about that? Right. Mine's to get my PA to do my shredding for me. That's my New Year's resolution. Oh, well, I've already done... I can do that retrospectively.

Does your PA have a shredding machine, or does she just... I know, well, I have the shredding machine. Screwing it through her teeth. No, no, she has a very tiny pair of scissors. What do they call those? Pinsin scissors or something. What's the ones with the serrated edge? Pinsin. It's not pinchin, is it? Pinsing scissors or something? What's the ones with the serrated edge? Pinching. It's not pinching, is it?

Pinsing. Pinsing? Crimping. Crimping. Crimping. So that's this morning's texting. What are those like crocodile mouth scissors called? Pinsing sounds good to me.

But crimping sounds equally good. Yeah, my New Year's resolution, the only one I've really settled on, is teaching my son to swim. He's two and a half. But the more I think about it, when I say teaching him to swim, I take him to lessons where someone else teaches him to swim.

I'm even wondering if it's worth me getting in the water at all. So as New Year's resolutions go, it's basically I've just laid it all on a two-and-a-half-year-old. It's all my responsibility, and a complete stranger. So I think I need one which requires... Because I'm a big fan of the New Year's resolution. I used to start them on, I think it was October the 21st.

I used to start them on, I think it was October the 21st. No, well, I read that the light bulb was invented by Marconi. And I thought, light bulb, that's a good thing to celebrate, because it suggests the big idea. And I think the trouble is with January the 1st... You're going to invent the light bulb for New Year's resolution. Well, I invent something of a similar use. It's been done, Frank. Yeah, that has been done. You can't

reinvent the lightbulb, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. We've had a lot of texts saying pinking shears, by the way. Pinking! Thank you so much for that. Just snip that now. Stop now. Stop. Is that still coming in? No, that's good, but thank you for that.

50 pence of text, we must have made 30 quid. Yeah, I'd say 40 actually. That's what we should do, ask more obvious questions. We've been Clover. Now thanks for that, it's really... In case you don't know this Zoe, our readers, they're better than Google, they know everything.

It's really exciting. It's a hive mind of a superior nature exactly Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio so yeah, so that's about all I've come up with honestly, if someone can send in a new year's resolution for me, I will do it

alright have you got one Alan? no, but I'm going to stop drinking next month after my birthday, so I don't feel like I need a New Year's resolution as well. Forever? Well, probably for a decade, actually. Is it just because everyone else is doing dry January, you've decided to get plastered for that,

and then you're cantankerous manner? I'm continuing to drink during January, yes, because, you know, it's like a honeymoon period for me, and drinking, and then after that it stops. It's going to stop in February, for a chunk of time. You're such a rebel. People get really angry about it, because I haven't got a problem until they say,

why, why, why? People go, why, why, why have you decided to... I just, anyway. So, yeah, that's what I'm doing. That's because they're on the sinking ship of alcoholism, want you to stay on with them yeah i think that's probably down to their level that's what i like to do yeah what about you sell me well i won't be giving up drinking because i'm no i won't be doing that no but i i like a bit of what would you be in a red wine representative that's it actually somebody emailed it and said red

weinstein doesn't that sound like an american billionaire that was oh it does that's good hi i'm red weinstein stop doing the voice you might know me from my works in the carpet industry uh yeah um you must have got that subliminally. That's why you did the vice for the red wine stain. I was so deep in character. I was shag pile deep in carpet stain character. That's where I was.

Oh, it was a carpet stain. Oh, it was a carpet. You kept that under your hat. I was thinking tablecloth. Oh, no, no. I went full carpet. Full of myself. No, no, I went full carpet. So what's your resolution? It's boring, and it'sé, but it is self... Learning new stuff. That's it?

That's it. It's a catch-all. Because last year I learnt to scuba dive. Wow, that's a biggie. Yeah, which is quite exciting. Me and the wife learnt to scuba dive. Paddy, absolutely. Paddy.

The Irish diving course that you can do. Let's just put that on three tanks of Guinness and have a whale of a time. And it was great. But somebody came up to us afterwards, my other half and I, and went, oh, it's great that you've learned. And then looked at us and went,

you're never too late to learn new stuff. It was the first time that somebody... I went, ooh're never too late to learn new stuff. It was the first time that somebody... I went, ooh, started slightly. Can I just tell you as well, Zoe, that it is too late sometimes to learn new stuff. 75 and skateboarding, I wouldn't. Although you live in Brighton. I live in Brighton, you see that quite a lot, to be honest.

Can I tell you that 75 and skateboarding was the corner I lived on in New York in the 1970s. It was a tough area, I'll tell you. It's just general self-improvement. Well, okay, so I'm going to learn how to build a website. Oh, nice. So it's got to have a point to it, yeah. And I'm going to do, like I believe you've just done, learn to drive a motorbike.

Yeah, that's good. I'm going to do, like I believe you've just done, learn to drive a motorbike. Yeah, that's good. I'm going to drive a motorbike. I'm going to suggest there might be some work to do if I'm saying I'm going to drive a motorbike. I'm going to learn how to build a web. A web? I see them in my garden and think, oh, I love the way they catch the morning dew. Yeah.

But they disappear. They're very flimsy, the way the spiders make them. They use substandard cheap materials. They're like the builders of the 1960s. I'm going to use high-tension cable. I'm hoping to catch light aircraft. So I'll keep you posted on that one. We'll see how it goes.

Frank Skinner is his name. And this radio station is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the

Absolute Radio website. There's a little bit of trouble at the mill. A little bit of trouble? Amongst the readership. 545 has texted Think Thomas Amongst the readership. 545 has texted, think Thomas Edison invented the light bulb. Yes, you know what, you're right.

I met a faux pas. I think you said it was Marconi. 476 has texted, Marconi invented the radio, just as Swan invented the light bulb. Not sure he did. I think Swan invented the match. Swan best...

It's like a light bulb, though. Yeah, true enough. Prototype. Yeah, it's true, no? Prototype. Yeah, exactly. 181. He got in there first. 181, I used to live at 181, Bristol Hall Road. Did you?

That's a coincidence. You've got a blue plaque. What's the chances of that happening? In your house. 181 has texted, didn't Thomas Edison invent a lightbulb? Marconi invented the thing you're on. I think he means the radio as opposed to the seat.

Yeah, what about if he invented the office chair? That's a good point, yeah. And possibly my favourite of the lot, 329, they're called pinking shears, Frank. Also, on the previous problem of finding the show in car, I simply utilise the auxiliary function on

the stereo to listen via my absolute radio account on my phone. Voila! Good text in that. That's from John in Dartford. That's worth keeping. Strong work. If we can get that nice and neat around the edges, and then we can just use that as a jingle if anyone else texts in

about how to get Absolute Radio. Actually, while we're... I don't just mean on this show, I mean across the board on this station. While we're on people complaining at you about things that you've got wrong, may I just add, 787, Frank, man, are you for real? Spider web is the strongest thing known to man. In tests the same thickness of spider web and high tensile, the spider web could hold more weight. Sort it out, Frank.

So, hold on a minute. So, if I ran, let's say at a the door of this studio which is locked for security reasons if I ran at that full blast I'd get more resistance if I ran at a spider web That's what he's saying, if it was the same size as high tensile steel

You know what the problem is with this argument? It isn't the same size You'd need a massive spider or like some weird battery farm production line of spiders all working together. It's like the flea. People say, oh, the flea can jump over a skyscraper. No, it can't.

It can't jump over us. It can jump over a skyscraper that someone's had to make to look a bit like the same size as a flea. But sometimes I do walk through my garden in the morning if there are spider swabs across it and just rip through them like a sort of Hulk. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. But one of my worst

things. Ripping through the strongest material known to arachna. Yeah. No, I can see that. But I, you know when you walk along at night past and you just feel the little trimmings of a spider web on your face. It's like just a little. Oh, I hate that. No, I don't like that. Because I think if the spider web. A of a spider web on your face. It's like... Oh, I hate that.

No, I don't like that. Because I think if the spider web... If the spider web on my face, there's a fair chance there's a spider now laying eggs in my earwax. Sounds cosy. That's the way I see it. Anyway. What does your breakfast say about you?

That's what I want to speak about. I've got an article here that says achievers... Oh, you and your articles. Achievers eat hot white toast with the crusts on and dip their butter knife in the jam. I dip my butter knife... my butter wife. Have you met her? Your PA does the shredding and your butter wife does the toast.

Never mind what my butter wife does. No, I always like to leave a trail of butter in the jam. Do you? Yes. On purpose? Well, not on purpose. I hate the idea that life is so austere that you have to think, oh, I'll have to use another knife because I don't want to leave any.

You don't need to use another knife. What you do is you... No, no, no, no. because I don't want to leave any... You don't need to use another knife. What you do is you... No, no, no, no. You take the knife and you slide it in... horizontally into the piece of bread

and then pull it out and it's like a napkin. Into the crust. Use the crust as its own napkin. Hold on. You're suggesting I basically use a piece of bread as a tea towel. Well, yes, but you are going to... It's all going to go down the same way, Frank, so it doesn't matter. Oh, yes. So you slide going to... It's all going to go down the same way, Frank, so it doesn't matter.

Oh, yes. Do you slide it in? It's slightly surgical, but it really works. But you know what? I'm happy to say... I think this is saying a lot about my personality. But I kind of like the milky way of butter on the top of a jar of jam.

It looks lived in. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

Somebody has emailed in along the lines of the light bulb debacle, saying that apparently Edison didn't invent the incandescent light bulb. He was just the first to design a commercial successful version, while he was taking time off from electrocuting cats and smearing his competitors. He sounds a lot more interesting now. I have no idea. I wonder what he smeared them with. I don't know.

Electrocuted cats, I would imagine. What he should have done. Pretty puree. He should have run the cat through a slice of bread. Yeah, that's what he would have done. Or just got your PA to shred it first. No, I didn't. Can I say this is one person's opinion about Thomas Edison?

I don't know if that's true, but it may be. I think experimentation in those days was a bit more free form. I mean, you say it's one person's opinion. 514 has also texted, Chaps, I have briefly scrutinised this Edison. It appears that at a time when electric was first discovered, he went around climbing all sorts for himself, not just the incandescent lightbulb,

but phonograph, electric chair, x-rays, batteries, and all things wax paper. So there we go, that's Neil from Penn. Thomas, I'm having that medicine. It does sound that way. I just wonder where the cats come in with the lightbulbs. I suppose he did... Where was he screwing the lightbulbs in? That's what I want to know.

Yeah, exactly. And did they light up? Yeah. And just for balance. I think you get them to urinate on one bar electric fires. Is that what happens? Yeah, there used to be a lot of cats dying like that when I was a kid, weeing on electric fires.

I've never heard of that for years. No, I haven't heard of that for ages. I don't know what they've changed. Either the electric fires or they've had rubber soles put on cats. Or perhaps cats learned their behaviour and spread the word. Perhaps cats now... Like we did with driving seatbelts. Perhaps cats keep their tails to the ground

like those things you get off the back of cars and are thus earthed. And earthed in wire. Can I say we're not making light of the death of cats? No. Loving creatures, which, well, they're not that loving. They're famous for their coldness. But, you know.

On the subject of balance. So a craftwork, but I love them. Yeah, true enough, yeah. Hello, Frank and everyone. Marconi didn't invent the speaking radio. He invented the radio telegraph. The Titanic survivors were saved because of this. Love, Kate, great niece of Titanic fireman Ted Biggs.

Oh, wow. That's a claim to fame, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know if I'd want to... That's a claim to fame, but if I was Edison, or whoever it was who invented that thing... Marconi. Marconi, sorry. Who I believe was the best man at Mussolini's wedding, or vice versa.

No way. Yes, or Mussolini was the best man at his wedding. Wow. I don't think I'd be bragging about the fact that I'm responsible for the survivors on the Titanic. It's not a thing you really associate with success. Not a big enough group. No, true. True that.

But, you know, well done to the relative. Shall we get back to breakfast? I'm slightly fascinated by this. I'll tell you for why, because I have recently... I would never have white toast by choice, so that means I'm not an achiever. Is that right? I think they're saying something along those lines, yeah.

I'll tell you what I have started doing. When I have a poached egg now, I'll put it in the middle of the toast and then I'll tear the... Well, actually, I get my PA to do it. I tear the side... That bread, which is not covered by poached egg, I tear those bits

off and use them as soldiers. Until I leave the poached egg on a platform of bread which fits it snugly. A plinth. It's on a plinth. And then I eat it like one might eat an oyster.

You shluck it. Yeah, and take the whole thing down. Yeah, so that's a new method. I hope I never see that. That's a little awful. I don't know how I've arrived. I hope I never see that. It would be a very good title for a TV show.

Can we work on what that might be? Speak to my people. Frank Skinner is his name, and this radio station is... Absolute Radio. Your scarf, I was just looking, I can't quite work out the knotage on it. No, it's just... You've done that ethnic thing of winding it around and around like people do with...

Is that allowed? Is it fine to do that? Is that an ethnic thing? I think you can do that. You know when people wear a third world scarf? Oh, my goodness. They wind it around. This is not getting better. This is getting worse. No, it's all right. I'm not saying anything.

They wind it around and around. I think... I mean, I'm... Both of the off-air people in this room, the producers have got their head in their hands. Is that fine? What if I haven't? There's nothing wrong in that.

When I got up this morning and dressed myself in my scarf, I thought, I'm going to go for a strong ethnic look this morning. What about yours go for? I think yours is, but it's very... What it is, is it's tied up nice and high, so there's no tripping hazard. There are two knots in it, though. No, just the one knot.

No, but it's gone round several times. It has gone round several times. Because I've never been in your studio before, and I wasn't sure what the temperature would be like, so I've worn a high scarf and a vest. If you do do your bike test, you'll save money on a snood. Absolutely. Straight on.

You know, I was watching Alan Pardew the other week, making notes in the stand at Crystal Palace, and he's done that thing where you sort of tie the scarf around you in a loop and then you bring it through the loop. Lace it through. You see, I just knot my scarf. Everyone

I see has got a better cooler scarf style than me. I need to. I need diagrams. I thought you looked good as Perkins in Doctor Who. Oh, well, that was I did not. It was done for me by the wardrobe lady. Professional. I was in Doctor Who, Zoe. Did you know that? Were you really?

Yes. Oh! Oh, you should have seen me. Gotta dance! That wasn't relevant at all, but it doesn't matter. If I get really excited, that's how it comes out. Can I just stop this breakfast chat for a moment? Because I'm at the Doctor Who. Which breakfast chat?

We were talking about breakfast. Okay, sorry, I haven't been listening for a while. What happened? I was so mesmerised by Zoe Lyons' scarf. Is it Zoe Lyons' scarf or Zoe Lyons' scarf? Zoe Lyons' scarf. Oh, too many Zoes. I've been working in a beehive.

She hasn't got a beehive, by the way. I went to a screening of the Doctor Who Christmas special. Now, I did this last year as well. Obviously, Christmas was last year, but I did it in 2013. And they have a facility there where you can have a green screen you can stand in front of, and they put you in the picture with Doctor Who and Jenna. So last year it was like Matt Smith and Jenna,

and then it was me and a friend of mine who works at the BFI. So I've it was like Matt Smith and Jenna and then it was me and a friend of mine who works at the BFI. So I've got it on my wall. And this year you can be in with Nick Frost as Santa Claus and Peter Capaldi. So I went and got my green screen done again. And Stephen Moffat was there as the showrunner of

Doctor Who and he said, Frank, you've been in Doctor Who. You don't need to do this anymore. And that hadn't occurred to me. That's great. But it's still on the shelf. Did you get to say to him, I'm a fan first? No, I didn't.

It's a bit too imposing. I just said, yes, Steve, and anything you say. But can I briefly play you this? This is, I'd like to see what you make of this sound. I'm going to put the sound on my phone, which is risky, I know. Listen to this. OK. What do you think?

Bats. OK, what do you think? Bats. No, it's all 707 episodes of classic Doctor Who played simultaneously. Wow. What? Yes. Why? It's a fantastic... Why?

Because one just doesn't have time. It's a fantastic what? What were you about to say? I love the sound of it. It's like, you know you know like do you remember when they drilled deep into the earth and thought they'd found hell they had they had sounds and they thought they actually thought they'd found hell the engineers and there was a type of it sounded a bit like hell it sounded a bit like that obviously i don't associate it with hell but um it made me think when people say to me, have you seen Breaking Bad and stuff,

which, you know, I can't watch an American drama. What I'm going to do is I'm going to watch the box set simultaneously and say, yeah, I've seen it, but I don't really want to talk about it. So thus I am cool, but not bored. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Did anyone send in any resolutions for me to do?

I think they might have on the Twitter, which I can't see. Oh, is it on the Twitter? It's on the Twitter. Oh, well, OK. Somebody sent in one for you. I don't know if there's a New Year's resolution or just a suggestion.

It's called a solo album with classic rock pop songs accompanied only by his ukulele. Nice. All pops, all proceeds to UNICEF. That's from Richard. I like UNICEF. That's so inappropriate for me because UNICEF is like the posh charity.

It's like Roger Moore. One imagines that Bianca Jagger is involved with UNICEF. Probably. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of people who have yachts do stuff for UNICEF. So I like the idea. Obviously it's a good cause, but it's a good cause

almost exclusively people by posh people. People by posh people. Whoops, I dropped me biro. We've also had a text from Andy in Leytonstone saying, our daughter leaves lots of butter in the jam. Once she shouted from the kitchen, Mum,

is there any butter? I shouted back, there's some on the jam. That could be from a 1970s sitcom. Fabulous. That's really top-notch stuff. Yeah, I don't eat toast, so I'm sort of left out by this survey. I've stopped eating

the grains, except for the occasional bit of white rice. Have you? Yeah. May I ask why? I've got rid of the grains, because they weren't working for me. Okay. I mean, back in the day, they just weren't working for me. I've gone paleo. Were they working against you? Yeah. You know what I'm trying to say. You have gone a bit paleo.

I've gone a bit paleo. I was going to ask what that was. I used to eat toast on the morning before doing this show, do you remember? And then for about the first hour and a half, my tummy would rumble during every link whilst I was digesting it. I don't think I digested grains very well. I don't think I do either.

But I'm quite distressed about that because I love bread. Well... Love it. You can get rid of it and life is still rich and varied and enjoyable. I mean, it does mean that I'm left out of this survey because I'm not any of the... I'm not a YOLO, which they say is you only live once. What about the 80s sitcom, Bread?

How do you feel about that? Gotta get up, gotta get up. That one. Yeah. I liked it. I liked the theme tune. What about Bread, the band, David Gates? I don't know them.

Let me try and think of... We're going to keep doing this. Gonna make it with you. I really wish that I could make it, girl. Yeah, I mean... Say, did you ever try? It's not my cup of tea, but... No, OK. Tea as well, that's gone.

I like tea. I like the tea. I'm still on the tea. OK. But, like, this survey says the YOLO, You Only Live Once, goes for thick-cut white bread burnt to a crisp and smothered with a thick layer of jam. How's that, you only live once? Because you could do that every day for your whole life if you wanted. It also seems to be deliberately reminding oneself of the possibilities of cremation.

Yeah, but if you want a you only live once, put something fatal on your toast and then literally you've done it. Black pudding every day. What I'd do is have a rollo. A rollo? Yeah. That's going to remind you of YOLO, surely. Yeah, that sounds tasty. I tell you what I do like, if I'm going to put

butter on and say Marmite Jam, lemon curd, I like to go to the very edges of the bread. That might be mentioned. To the point where when I pick up the piece of toast, I want the outline of it to be on the work surface, like when you spray around a stencil.

Yeah, I'd pull that before then. Would you? Yeah, yeah. I haven't got where I am today to eat dry bread. This is Absolute Radio. I haven't got where I am today to eat dry bread. This is Absolute Radio. And that is Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We've got some New Year's resolutions for you.

Oh, yes. I asked people to send in resolutions for me to do, which I think is a good idea because one never completely trusts oneself to choose the right resolution. You love to take the easy way out. Well, here's a couple for me. Jill Joel has tweeted...

Speak into the mic, Zoe. Sorry, I'm lounging again. Jill Joel has tweeted... I thought we'd get a stand-up comedian on. We wouldn't have to tell them to speak into the mic. I'm deflated. I'm melting! Well, she says, what happened to your news resolution of 2009 to listen more

oh yeah I forgot about that yeah hold on I'm still listening to you know what that is a good resolution because I don't. I'm always on the verge of interruption.

Right, well, here's some more for you. That's it with Catholics. Didn't you also have a New Year's resolution to do some pickling? Was that last year or the year before? I was going to pick on my own roll mops. Oh, no. God, I hope that's not a euphemism. No.

But I tell you, I had to go, and I think I was using the wrong vinegar. There must be a special. That's a shame. Poad has tweeted in, he recommends that your news resolution should be not to mention Doctor Who every week. Uh-oh.

Yeah. I wish you needed to read that out a bit earlier Yeah We've blown it this week, try next week Okay, I'm going to lay off And then to counter that The yin and the yang of life, Richard Long has tweeted in and said, appear in Doctor Who more often

Yes, that's quite a tricky New Year's resolution for me to make I'm going to photobomb the recordings They could just have you in the background every week, like a sort of a version of Where's Wally Are we going to photobomb the recordings? We could just have you in the background every week like a sort of a version of Where's Wally where we just try and spot Frank in the background. I'll just walk past like Eric Malkovich at the end of the show.

Or Hitchcock. That'd be great. We've also had a text. 528 has texted, Morning all. Frank absolutely right with going right to the edges. I once complained at the Royal Dorchester Hotel regarding the fact that there was more bread than filling in my sandwich

that I had paid £11 for. I was asked to leave for causing a scene in the brasserie. That's great. Was that Claridge's, did you say? It was the Dorchester, but other exclusive hotels are available. We mentioned two. Because any more than that, they're not that exclusive after all. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Richard Sir has tweeted in. Richard Sir. Richard Sir. Do you think you might have got that the wrong way around? No, it's a surname. Richard Sir. It's think you might have got that the wrong way around? No, it's a surname.

Richard Sir. It's a surname. I see, I see. The surname is Sir, which must cause confusion on the phone. But anyway, that's not what the tweet's about. He says, I can assure you, Frank. Assure you?

I can assure you that the children who benefit from UNICEF's work are not posh. Yes, but you see, I made this point. I said it was a good cause. I just said I find that the figureheads of it all live in Monaco. Which I find, yeah, but obviously they're doing good stuff. Oh, I wish people would just listen.

And we did cover the various aspects of this breakfast study, but the study was commissioned by marmalade makers and a bakery, so I suppose it is going to be toast heavy, isn't it? They're not going to do stuff for people like me that eat a bowl of yoghurt and nuts. But there's another food-based story. Oh, get you. Apparently arguing with your spouse could make you fat.

That's what the story says. How does that work? I think it's, I mean, it's not actually that cheery. If people have been depressed before and then they have marital rows, it can lead to piling on the pounds, apparently. Yeah, but surely, doesn't, if you become obese, don't you automatically become jolly? That's supposedly the thing.

So it's a sort of... That's how it's meant to go, isn't it? It's sort of self-basting, this thing. It sort of cures itself. And I would have thought that arguing was quite good for slimming, because surely you'd wildly gesticulate in all that slamming doors. Well, exactly. I remember once repeatedly screaming,

why, why, why, whilst destroying an IKEA wardrobe with my bare hands. It's probably one of the best cardiovascular workouts I've ever had. Yeah, you lost seven pounds that day, didn't you? Are they easier to take apart than they are to put together? Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK. I don't remember.

You didn't need an Allen key. I looked at the instructions once. It would really take the sting out of an argument if you were destroying it with an Allen key. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and saying, hold on, where have I put... Where's the bit where it says... Yes.

No, so... So apparently arguing makes you fat, but, you know, sometimes you see a couple where there's one really thin one and one really fat one. Now, if I see them, I'm going to think, oh, they've just met and the fat one's obviously been in a really bad previous relationship. Or he's having a very, very difficult affair.

It opens a lot of doors, this. I have argued with Kath, my girlfriend, to the point where I've vomited, which is a time-honoured method of losing weight. That's like the adult version of screaming till you're sick. It's a time-honoured measure of losing an argument. You puke, she goes, right, that's it, I've won.

Yeah, it's not a bad indicator. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Zoe Lyons this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio webby.

Webby. Interesting. So, Zoe, I feel you've been on two hours now. We haven't really heard about your life. Oh, thank you. Were you recently married? I was recently married, yes. How recently?

16th of December. Oh. Is it too late? I don't think it's too late for congratulations. No, thank you very much. I mean, we converted our civil partnership into a marriage. That's what we did. I don't mean to take away from the...

No, still, yeah. Yeah, it was nice. It was nice. You got a little... Can I ask a question? And forgive me, forgive now the ignorance of the heterosexual. But if two ladies get married, is there still a white, you know, a wedding dress opportunity?

There is. But we didn't go down that avenue. That's not... So are some weddings between two women, they both wear a wedding dress? That must be pretty spectacular. And who comes down first? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? I mean, that is the thing.

I mean, can you imagine? There must be arguments on the old wedding day. Oh, there'll be arguments. It's a wedding. You made a better effort than me. Yeah, yeah. That's what I... There is that problem that one of you is going to stand there going,

I'm the princess! This is my day! I did that at mine. Did you? It's awkward. What I'd do, if I was a lady marrying a lady, I would arrange that we wore the same wedding dress and came down in just an absolute swirl of taffeta and silk.

And when the veil went up, there was the two faces just staring out at the vicar. Nice. Although it'd look like a team wedding then, wouldn't it? I suppose they're about to embark on being a team. I just think it would look like, it would suggest your unity, that two becomes one. But then it's on there.

We didn't do that. Tonight is the night. Go on. The two becomes one. That was our, uh, first dance song. Was it?

No. No, it really wasn't, Frank. No, it wasn't. I need your love like I've never needed.

Anyway. So we're not that romantic. I'm particularly not that romantic. Well, you're not married. Well, yeah, but I'm always being that romantic. Well, you got married, so it must be fair. Well, yeah, but I'm always being my lady wife. Yeah, it's kind of a... Well, no, no, no, no, no, it wasn't a paperwork thing,

but, I mean, a little bit, but, you know, my good lady wife is often suggesting that I'm not very romantic. So on the day of our wedding, I did say to her, you look very beautiful today. So it was a winter wedding, so she was wearing a little jumper, and I said, you look very, very beautiful today. Well, you have to say that. You look like Kirk Douglas

in The Heroes of Telemark. He doesn't have to say that. Good reference. Apparently that's not romantic. No, Kirk Douglas, do you know the film The Heroes of Telemark? He looks really good in that jumper.

Everybody is a he. Yeah, that's true. I mean, that's the sticky wick of it. Is it recent? It's not since he's become an older man? No, that was a film from the 60s. Oh, OK. Oh, well, I bet he did look great.

He did look cracking, but apparently that's not a very romantic thing to do. He didn't look particularly bridal, I'm guessing. No, that's true. I used to compare my wife to Harry Potter when she wore thick glasses and had short, dark hair, and that apparently was a difficult thing to sell as well. Well, I told my girlfriend when i first

met her that she looked like michael jackson she still brings that up now well none of us have covered ourselves in glory in those three admissions no that's true but it's a strange thing because at our when we had our paper signing ceremony to to convert to a marriage the the lovely um registrar said to us, what are you going to call yourself? No, you're going to double barrel your name. And I went, no, because we're not idiots. And also my wife's Dutch and she's already got a double barrel name. So I'd have a triple barrel name. So that's, if there's more hyphen than name, then it's just silly, isn't it? It's just, it's just, no.

It just becomes a list. It's a list of names. So you say, I'll pass the duchy. But then it did dawn to pass the duchy on the left-hand side. That's your business. So, um... But I have an issue now. Are you Mrs Zoe Lyons?

No, because I didn't marry my dad. So that's... And I'm not my mum. I just... You know what I mean? I didn't marry a Mr Lyons.'s... And I'm not my mum. I just... You know what I mean? I didn't marry a Mr. Lion. I know. That really happens in urban areas.

I think that's very much a countryside thing. And they're not official. They just jump over a rig of heather. I've had a real thing recently where I don't really know what to call myself. So the plumber came round yesterday, which sounds... Anyway. And he was filling out the paperwork and he went, Is it miss?

Ms? Mrs? And I sort of panicked and went, oh, oh, oh. None of the above. Just put Miss. But it's not Miss. I don't feel like a Miss. Not if you're married.

No, no, and I'm married, but I'm not a Mrs. Lyons. And I don't like Miss. I'm sorry, I don't. It just sounds a little bit vinegary. It just... Can I... It's just... Can I make a suggestion?

Yes. Mr. works really well for me. You know what? Yes. Well, I don't know why I can't... I'm a cracker vinegary. It just... Can I make a suggestion? Yes. Mister works really well for me. Well, you know what? Yes. I don't know why I can't get that. It's alright for blokes, because you don't have to change your title. I've just started making them up. I'm like, I call myself the Captain now. Captain's good.

Captain's how he lines. He doesn't really suggest you're married, though, does he? No. She's, um, first officer and I'm captain, and that works for us. But it's a real pain if you're filling online forms. Yeah. I think you want something that says that you're married, though, don't you? Well, I just... Or don't you?

I don't care. But that's what Miss and Mrs. does. What about just marriage? What about marriage? Marriage, Zoe Lyons. What about Ringo? Take, I could put that. Ringo.

Do you ever get, because your name is Zoe Lyons, which is like Zed Lyons, so in America, your name would be Zee Lyons. Zee Lyons. Or as in, you know, there was two Zee Lyons I saw at the zoo today, applauding and balancing. Do you ever get that? Like a German lion. Have you seen Z-lions?

You could change your name to Lioness. Oh, that'd be good. Well, she could change her name to Lioness, and I could still be... You could still be Lions. Perfect. She got her head shaved. There we go. Yours went a bit bushy, a bit nighty.

And a full mane. At last we've sorted that out. Frank Skinner is his name and this radio station is Absolute Radio. Just before we return to Zoe's Week, I have received a text, Frank,

about New Year's resolutions that I think you may appreciate. Good morning Frank, Alan and Locum Emily. There you go. Enjoy that title. I'm always impressed with Mr Skinner's vocabulary and the repertoire he has. Perhaps a proactive and

magnanimous New Year's resolution could be to teach the nation a new word, brackets, origins, variations, usage, every week. That'd go down well. I've always fancied Frank as a sage and learned scholarly professor. Love the show, Jenny. Thank you, Jenny.

Coincidentally, he's the name of my PA. That Christmas bonus was not wasted. Well, incidentally, as we were just... I was just singing a Spice Girls number. Here's the thing. When they were absolutely massive, a Spice Girls number. Here's the thing. When they were absolutely massive, the Spice Girls, they had a period when two of them were pregnant. I think it was Mel B and Victoria.

And so they weren't working for a bit. So I thought it would be good to get Mel C. I had a chat show in those days. So I wrote to her personally saying, as two of your band members are currently gravid I wondered if you'd consider coming on the show

during this, you know I don't think I said hiatus, I didn't want to push it and so she did come on the show it was quite exciting to have a Spice Girl on and she said, it's that word you use, that gravity.

I actually got one of the people at the office to look it up, so I knew what it meant. And it means pregnant, obviously, but it's to do with gravity. It's to do with the stomach being pulled down by the weight of it. But yeah, it's using vocabulary to book Spice Girls. Yes. Yeah, that's the title of my new Made Simple I'm going to do. OK.

I'll tell you what it is, though. When you think about titles, I was thinking the other day about Your Highness. You know when you have to say Your Highness to... You know when you say to a member of the royal family, Your Highness? Yeah, yeah. If you actually stop and break that down, you're actually saying Your Highness. So you could...

It's equivalent to saying My Lowness, isn't it? to saying my lowness. Yes. Isn't it? You're actually referring to their superiority in a very, very cold, your highness. Your big up there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Couldn't we meet in the middle somewhere with the royals? They're not like us, though. They're not like us. They're higher. They're actually higher. That's why they get that title, innit? Well, easy.

Newsflash. Easy, though. So what else, Zoe? Well, this has also been the week that I discovered I'm middle-aged. It all came at once. Oh, marriage and middle-aged. Yeah, it all sort of came at once. A couple of little things happened,

and I realised I'd entered a new stage of life. I shouted at some kids on a bus. It felt really good. They were on the bus? They were on the bus too, yeah. I wasn't just randomly shouting from the bus. They were on the bus and they were stood on seats and normally I'd just let it go and

it was in Hove, I have to point out, where a lot of kids are called Banjo and Django and my life wasn't in danger. I might have had some lentils thrown at me. But no, I took matters into my own hands and shouted. I think you might be what they call a have-a-go hero. That's excellent.

Well, you've had a go anyway. Yeah. I shouted at some kids on the bus, told them to get off the seat, and they did, which I couldn't believe. I felt very empowered. Wow, that must couldn't believe. I felt very empowered. I beat it, my chest. I beat it, it. I beat it, it. Same week, I shouted at a cyclist who rode past me in my car, and he

had no lights on in the dark. And I just don't get this. And I drove past him, I lowered my window, and shouted obscenities, I'm afraid. Really? You didn't shout at the lights? Regarding the lights. And then put the window up and drove slowly off and thought, that obscenities, I'm afraid. Regarding the lights. Regarding the lights going there. And then put the window up and drove slowly off

and thought, that felt wonderful. Did it? It felt really good. Until the lights changed and it got to red and then I realised he was still behind me and I had to jump a red light and almost cause an accident. But other than that... Yeah. And also this week I was on a train and I was reading a newspaper

and I'd arrived at my stop so I didn't have time to do the Sudoku so I carefully tore it from the paper carefully down the edges and popped it in my pocket for later and I thought that's it, it's arrived middle age is here like a Velcro slipper it has walked into my life

I have to say if I'm on a train or a method of public transport and I see somewhere opposite me rip something out of a paper or a magazine and put it in their pocket, it makes me feel really happy. I don't know why. I just find it such a nice thing to see. Especially if it's a bogey. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. The thing is, we were just talking about Sudokus. Oh, yes. I've never done one, because I'm not terribly numerate. But it did strike me, because I've often thought, what would it be like to be a crossword compiler? It might not be quite quite exciting, interesting job. But Sudoku, of course, you've got the plus

that if you compile good Sudokus, I suppose there's good ones and bad ones, aren't there? I guess. Yeah. Well, I'm presuming you do them as you write them out of paper, or do you use them as coasters? I think the only thing that makes them different is the lack of numbers,

so I don't know whether there's much that goes into making a Sudoku other than taking the numbers away. OK. What I think about is they are the Mr Bean of the crossword world in that they're international. Yes. Whereas you can't do that with a crossword. No.

You can't say, well, we'll just use the same grid. We'll just translate the a crossword. No. You can't say, well, we just use the same grid. We'll just translate the clues into Spanish. No. I suppose the word Sudoku does give it a slight international feel. Japanese, innit? Doesn't it? Yes. Yes.

Because I don't know about you, I've tried to do Japanese crosswords, and it just isn't easy. Well, they're all down. There's no acrosses. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

That was actually, I think, an excellent joke. It was a very good joke. We gave it nothing for free. I felt like I was. I just got it really late. But, you know, some of them do fall on stony ground. Yes. I am on the cyclist front.

I was once in a traffic jam when suddenly there was a tap at my car window. Well, I wouldn't let her out. It's a joke. And I looked and there was a bearded man at the side window of my car, heavily bearded. This is before beards became fashionable again. Right, back in the day. And he was a thin bearded man on a bicycle.

And he knocked on the window and I thought he was in distress. So I wound the window down and he said, you're poisoning my planet. And I said, no, no, I'm poisoning our planet. But it does make me feel nostalgic. At the time, I was quite outraged by this. But it does make me feel nostalgic. At the time, I was quite outraged by this. I watched him go up the queue of cars, doing it to every car. What were you driving?

A coal-fuelled tractor. I remember you had a Hummer, wasn't it? I remember you had a Humvee. What was I driving? I think I had a Golf. Oh, then they're quite fuel efficient. Yeah, so I wasn't poisoning it that much. But I think he didn't want to single anyone out, so he just told it. But it reminds me of a time when cycling was done by people like that,

sort of, you know, slightly hippie-type people who liked the simple things in life and probably, you know, had maybe made their own bread and stuff like that lived in a yurt yeah and it takes me a nostalgic time for the cycling where a cycling now I think I've mentioned this before but as a result of the Olympics it became a sort of you know a macho thing

and now people who do it well they're a bit aftershave and talk sport. If you know what I mean. Frank Skinner is his name. And this radio station is Absolute Radio. We've got some information that's come in. I love information.

You love information. Whereas inflammation, I don't like. You're not a big fan of that, are you? It's a tiny little difference in you makes all the... Just one letter. I lived in Italy when I was pregnant... Don't think it's just one letter before you text him. I lived in Italy when I was pregnant with my son.

The way of saying pregnant in Italian is ingravidanza. Ah, yeah, there you go. Which confirms your use of the word gravida. That's a good ingravidanza. Yeah. I like that gravida. That's a good engravidanza. Yeah. I like that. Nice. It's a bit like bonanza.

Bonanza. Yeah. Yeah, in bonanza. I can imagine four pregnant women on horses coming through a burning map of Kansas. Please give your seat up for a lady who is in bonanza. Engravidanza, I'm going to use that. We've who is in Bonanza. In Grava Danza, I'm going to use that. We've had more suggestions. Is she in Grava Danza?

We've had more suggestions for New Year's resolutions. I like this one. I'm very much behind this one. Let cars queuing at junctions out more. I'm totally behind that. I'm totally behind that. You don't mind abusing cyclists. No.

You're charging at kids on buses. Yeah. But when it comes to junctions, it makes sense. But only one. I only let one out. Well, let one move. Let one move. It's the dance of life. It's the dance of life. And then if you have been let out, always give the double blinky thank you.

Otherwise the anger. But I tell you what I find that every time I let someone out, they almost always turn right at the next side road, and they turn from the middle of the road, so I'm sitting behind them, thinking, why did I let this idiot in? But that hasn't stopped me doing it, because I think sometimes goodness is more important than convenience.

Absolutely. Believe in better, believe in better. And, of course, cleanliness is next to goodness, but only in a really rubbish dictionary. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This story in the news caught my eye this week because it found me a good use for Twitter, I think. You're on the Twitter. I'm on the Twitter.

And less of a Twitter troll story, more of a Twitter role story, this. It was a young man called Adam Greenwood who was travelling from Euston to Glasgow on a Virgin train. Oh, yes. And went to the little boys' room, shall we say, and discovered, after completing the operation, that there was no toilet roll in said water closet. Oh, that's a terrible moment.

And tweeted his... Water closet. Water closet, thank you. And tweeted his depicament. And Virgin Trains responded and sent a roll down the carriage to him, which is marvellous. That is great. When you say roll down the sent a roll down the carriage to him, which is marvellous. That is great. When you say roll down the carriage,

they didn't stand at one end of the train and roll it straight down. Roll down the carriage. That is lovely. It was lovely. It was a headline that was begging for poetry. Yes, it was. I resisted. Yes.

I resisted, they resisted. It's great. It's great. They got one, too. I think fairly briskly they got him a toilet roll. Yeah, they tweeted back and said, which carriage are you in? And he was a very astute young man. He'd taken the letter of the carriage he was in. Well, I read that he sneakily opened his door quickly.

And had a look. Had a look to see which carriage it was and then shut the door again. Yeah, that's what I read. But surely when you went, wouldn't you take your ticket with you? Yeah, that would have to carry... Actually, if you had your ticket with you... There you go, job done. Yeah.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah. Depending on what sort of... If this happened before they'd been examined. Tickets, please. Yes, I can explain. I've put mine in a carrier bag. And the corner's missing because I cleaned under the nails.

But, um... Yes. But you see, there is a lesson to be had here. When I first lived with a lady, I'd left home some years before, but I was living on my own, and then I moved in a person, a cohabitant, a woman. You're being cagey about this.

Yes. It's some kind of lawsuit from that. I never actually... You can't reveal anything. I'm going back to my own trepidation, because I never told my dad that I was actually living with someone, because, you know, we're Catholics, and he wouldn't have made him happy. But I think, well, he did know, but we never spoke of it openly.

And then one day, my girlfriend said he took us on one side and said, can you make sure that he never leaves the house without a fresh, neatly ironed handkerchief? And if this man had taken that advice, he wouldn't have needed to have tweeted it. He'd currently own one less handkerchief. Yeah, well, they do wash. It'd be the smell of burning handkerchiefs.

They do wash. They do, yeah. Wouldn't it be on... It'd be stuck to a train spotter somewhere. A thrifted guy out the window. And you know what? Would that be a bad thing? I once had to pass a lady toilet roll under...

It was East Croydon Platform Station toilet, which was a very lonely place. I'd like to play some music, and I like the idea of cliffhangers going. This will take some beating. Frank Skinner is his name, and this radio station is Absolute Radio. Zoe left us with a cliffhanger. Yes, I once had an experience on East Croydon train station platform toilet,

which is one of the loneliest places on earth. Okay. And they're horrible toilets, because they haven't got the seats either. They've got the sort of nailed-down seats. Oh, yeah. They used to, do you know what I mean? Yes, yes. It was like being in a young offender's centre. Anyway, so I was in there, do you know what I mean? Yes, yes. It was like being in a young offenders centre.

Anyway, so I was in there and the door, I was in the cubicle and I heard somebody going into the cubicle beside me and then a second later, in a really northern accent as well, I see somebody just going, oh, no! Oh, it's not.

Are you sure it wasn't a red wine scene? Yeah. I went, can I help you? And she went, oh, no, toilet paper. And I went, don't worry, I'll pass some to her. And I'm a bit prudish anyway, so I don't really like having a conversation. I don't really like having a conversation with somebody in a cubicle beside me. So I sort of gathered up enough of what I thought would be enough

and sort of handed it underneath. Oh, you didn't give her the whole roll? Oh, no, no, I needed to keep some back. Of course, yeah. But she carried on talking to me. Oh. While still carrying on. Oh, no.

Yes, so, um, she carried on talking to me while she was obviously still, um, on. No, you don't, you don't want that. No. And, uh, apparently she worked for a choir and they were like, I've been doing quite a lot of work with the choir and, uh, some of them have got the voices of angels! Oh, dear. Yeah, so I had, uh, yes. I've been doing quite a lot of work with the choir, and some of them have got the voices of angels! No idea. Yeah, so I had...

No, just awful. Yes, yeah. I had to just leave. I left. I just crept out of the toilet, and she just kept talking. Probably still there now. She's still there. Talking about that boy soprano.

Yeah. Well, on that... Sorry, I've learned a bit of tone. One might say a slightly acrid note. Yeah. We come to the end of the show. Thank you, Zoe, for joining us today. Thank you for having me.

It's been fabulous. Well, thanks, Alan, as well. I don't normally thank everyone. Cheers. Who thanks me? No one. Thanks, Frank. Cheers. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio

back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio