The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Reptile Centre

Episode Date: July 23, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team talk Tangle Teezers, leather jackets and surviving in the heatwave. Also Frank reveals his holiday sat-nav nightmare.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Sorry, I couldn't hear myself for a second. That's always scary. You all right now? I think so. I can hear a voice. Shouldn't be telling me to do that, should it? It's just the moment when he just loses it. It's going to happen on air, I hope. If it does happen, I'd rather it happens on air.

I said to the director, me and David Baddiel were interviewing Prince Nazeem, and he had a reputation for losing his temper. And he's a professional boxer. I said, look, if he attacks me, keep filming, whatever happens. Not the first time you've tried that old trick. Now, anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215. That's 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio webby. I've got my shoulders out today, Frank. I've always been a fan of the female shoulder. Good news for all of us. Much underrated aspect of the female shoulder much um much news for all of us much underrated um aspect

of the anatomy yes i think we have discussed um maria sharapova's shoulders before she was disgraced of course i didn't realize she's officially disgraced now i think she is isn't she i think we discovered that they were enhanced in some ways, her shoulders, by some sort of chemical thing. But I was talking about the fact that she could have maybe three or four parrots on the one. Oh, yeah. It'd be like a studio flat to a parrot. Room to walk about.

You see, the thing I love about the shoulder... Come and stay on my shoulder. There's loads of room. You can stay with us for a bit. Rrrr! You saw it. There's loads of room. You can stay with us for a bit. Rrrr! Can you hear me? It's all right. There's no one around. There's no humans around.

You can just talk normal. Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. That's really kind of you. Thanks. The thing I like about the shoulder is it's playful, a little bit mischievous, but it's saying, no, I'm not coming back on the first night.

Oh, OK, yeah. I don't know if that's true of Jane Russell on the first night. Oh, OK, yeah. I don't know if that's true of Jane Russell in The Outlaw. Oh, OK. Or indeed many of the other women you've encountered over the years. And also, you can put a hand on a woman's shoulder, I think, without too much controversy, unless you don't let the thumb rest. Oh! You know, that bone that comes across.

In the crook of the clavicle. Is that the crook of the... I think you're in the crook of the clavicle. Is that the crook of the... In the crook of the clavicle. I thought that was a book I read at school. A novel by Meryl Mabry. In the crook of the clavicle. When they touch the clavicle, I feel ill. Wait, who's they?

Well, anyone you might encounter. A gentleman. Eamon Holmes. A gentleman callers. Actually, I like Eamon Holmes. I won't have that said of him, but you know what I mean. Sports masseuses. And now it's time for a book at bedtime.

Tonight, Paul Jewell reads In the Crook of the Claverclaw. Paul Jewell? Very good. We've had some lovely correspondents from the outside world. Did you do all the business, or did we interrupt you? No, I've done the business. OK. We've had someone, Kate o'neill has texted in a photo kate o'neill is that kato as in the the assistant of the green horny and the surname is neil or kate a woman only yes break oh apostrophe kato neil's a really good name if i if i became

a woman i might that might be the name i took on okay Okay, I'll bear that in mind. It's got a coolness about it. Good for the tabloids to have a story in the first link, innit? Frank Skinner said... The initials are con, so they should be careful. He's good. He's got all the bases covered. Kate O'Neill has tweeted us a lovely photograph of a T-shirt that's been made, saying, please will you show frank my sister's t-shirt she calls it tie shirt i'm assuming that's a grummy thing yeah well it's black

country really okay we won't split hairs she refers to it as dodley um and the t-shirt says yeah i ain't no taunting omo sheriff yourself very good pronunciation i was all right i think it's the best t-shirt I've ever seen in my life. That's coming from someone in the fashion industry, is quite a thing. We should say, if there's any new readers out there, this comes from a man that was... He worked with my mate and he decided he wouldn't swear anymore, so he came up with some new words, one which was taunting and and fratting there was a famous thing when he said he was with him in the car and somebody

blasted the horn and he said it was a fratting papping um and we're bringing fratting back but but one man yes one man at his works um and this is what the T-shirt refers to, was calling him ugly, I think, or someone else ugly. And he said, well, you ain't no taunting Omar Sharif yourself. And now there's a T-shirt, some 30 years later. I should say it's a reference to Omar Sharif, in case you think it was some strange reference to that cowboy T-shirt that Sid Vicious occasionally wore. The Centennials are going to be very confused by all these references.

Yes, well, I'm explaining them as we go. I know, you are. That's it, I come with footnotes. At the risk of further confusing any new people to the show, we've also had an email just entitled Flying Ants. And when I opened it, all it says is, It's started. There's nothing else. There's no from, there's no enjoy the show at nothing. I should say we've much discussed the Flying Ants phenomenon that one day. It was last week Frank because I had loads of our readers getting in touch via Twitter. That corroborates it. It started. I think it coincided with the hottest day of the year.

They're no fools. Although you say that, is that the day you want to be wearing the extra wings? Hottest day of the year? Well, also, you know why they all come out? Because the Queen wants to mate. I don't pick the hottest day of the year for that. How do they know what the Queen's up to?

What about if someone's just tuned in and the first do they know what the Queen's up to? What about if someone's just tuned in and the first thing they hear is the Queen's got to make? I mean, that's going to disturb everyone. You know what happened to David Baddiel's show? That kind of talk. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, do you remember last week we were talking about shop signs?

Back in five minutes and all that. Yeah, and Al and I were lamenting the fact that you never get those little red arrows pointing towards the clock anymore. Oh, they were good, weren't they? I, um, oh, I had a thing, if there's anyone listening, I had a clock appeared on my dashboard last night when I was driving. What? What do you mean appeared? You know when you get little symbols light up on your dashboard? Oh, I always get the coffee cup.

And you think, what's that? What's that for? A clock appeared. A clock? Yeah. A little tiny clock. Oh. Any ideas?

Yeah. Have you pressed your cruise control button? Oh, I don't know if I got one. Oh, yes. That's what you've done, I think. Where is that? Yeah, you've definitely got cruise control. Excuse i'm the motoring correspondent hang on i was first well i don't know the answer but i get a coffee cup on my come up on mine do you what does that

mean well i run mercedes and ask them they said it means that you need to take a rest because you're driving erratically, but I have it on 24-7. Oh. Oh. Oh. Awkward. Yeah. Hashtag aw.

I'm pretty sure it's not the car that's the problem here. Oh. Where do you find that? Can I just say I paid full price for mine? Thank you very much. I think you need to look at your steering wheel and see if you can find a little button that has the same clock-like symbol. OK. We'll do it.

Press it again and it will turn it back on. Here we go. Hang around. This is men talking. Here's my response. Will do. There you go. And just in case people are thinking, well, that's good to know that you can say that when men are talking, but what about if it's a negative response?

Here it comes. No can do. Oh, men. Yeah, I'm a strange. So, we've had... Hairy as well. Unnecessarily hairy. Yeah. Is that about my beard, do you think?

Look weird with crossed legs as well. Can't cross your legs properly, you people. I was once at a party... You look odd with crossed legs, put it that way. I was at a party at your friend Gary Lineker's house when he bet Will Carlin 50 quid he couldn't cross his legs. And such was the expanse of his thigh muscles, indeed it was true he couldn't do it.

Really? Yeah. That's my excuse too. That's exactly why I can't cross my legs either. Anyway, we've heard from these lovely people. I think they might be framers or gallery owners. Very nice civilised people. And they've got in touch with reference to the back in five mins

saying, here's my pithy door sign, hashtag back in five minutes. It's actually a hashtag now. And door sign hashtag back in five minutes actually a hashtag now and it says back in 10 minutes it may be less depending on how long after the sign going up you arrived that's a very good point wonderful i like that you see what i like is if the shop says like back in five minutes i always think well i might have got lucky here yeah i mean they might have just gone but even if they've gone, I can do five minutes. If they haven't, I might, I mean... But then, I imagine, what if things happen to them on the way?

Yeah. On foreseen circumstances? Well, that's it. They might be really popular in the village. I wish they wouldn't come in. I wish they'd just have a sign that says back. Back? Oh, I'll be back. Back sometime. It's too vague. Or just a photograph of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yeah. It'll leave you to work it out. I, um, the most common joke in comics when I was a kid, like, cartoon joke, was, um, it'd be something like NASA, the door at NASA, and a sign saying, gone to launch. Oh, nice. That was, and there and a sign saying, gone to launch.

Oh, nice. And there was a cowboy one at the sheriff's office, gone to lynch. Nice. Where are they now? That one's a little bit off colour. Well, yeah, they were simpler times. We didn't know.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I've been on holiday this last week. Oh, has you? I had a staycation, as they call it. Oh. Did you have a steak? It's all gone a bit Brexit Britain. I didn't have a steak.

I went to, I was in the New Forest. Oh, I love it round there. Nice. Do you know why? It's Hall City. There aren't those horses just in the... They roam. They do. They roam wild. They're... Horses, do you? Yeah, they're everywhere.

Really? Well, I think they're ponies, officially. Yeah. They're big ponies, I tell you that. Huh? They do some big ponies. Anyway, um, there was, uh, we decided to have a bit of a... So it's you, Kath and Buzz.

Yeah, so we decided to have an outing. So we set off for the new Forest Reptile Centre. Do you know it? It's a lovely place to go on a heatwave. Lovely smells. Well, they're used to it, of course, the reptiles. They lap it up. Love it.

So we... 2.2 miles, it said on the sat-nav. Right. So I thought, nice. And 90 minutes later... No. I was still searching for it. Oh, dear.

I tried absolutely everything you could think of, putting different things in. There was a place called Emery Down, which is nearby. I put that in just in case there was a sign. Emery Down, of course, reminded me when I was in the army with Dick Emery. We went on that. He got shot.

That was a terrible... Terrible lie. Oh, you are awful. Oh, yeah. Is that what you said to him? What was his final word? I didn't like him that much. You are awful, and consequently, I care very little for you.

No, but I couldn't... I mean, I drove around and around and around looking for this place, and I had the postcode and everything. So what was it called? It was called the New Forest Reptile Centre. And it's not listed on the sat nav? I'm starting to think maybe the chameleons are having too much influence on that place.

That'll be it. Unfindable. But it's so frustrating because you know you get to that, I'm not going to give up on this, it exists. I've got adverts for it yeah absolutely absolutely did you find it no really you just gave up though no i have 90 minutes and in the end like why didn't you call it why didn't you go back to the hotel it's carsick 2.2 miles. We asked people, you know, local type people, you know, in smocks.

In a League of Gentlemen manner. Yeah, and they were saying, no, I don't know. The hotel could have helped. How old was the leaflet that you were looking at? I know, we went online as well. And it was talking about events that were happening there in recent times. I was thinking, do you know what a trap street is? A trap street?

I was thinking it could be the landmark sort of equivalent. A trap street is, I don't know this from Doctor Who, but I'll tell you as if I know it from general knowledge. People who do street maps are very wary of doing all the hard work and then having it copied by someone else who puts them yes so they invent streets and stick them in there so that if the other person puts them in their thing they can prove that they've copied it that is good yesver little cartographers. So I'm wondering if this was a trap reptile centre. Yeah.

That had been invented to sell people. That sounds a bit Pokemon Go now to me. Yeah. Well, you catch some great beauties there. Anyone, look, if anyone has ever been to the new Forest Reptile Centre and can establish that it exists? It's got a very regional radio. Hold up there.

Here's Tony Braxton. I think the reptile centre needs to be monitored. Oh! Needs to be monitored. Yeah, monitored, yeah. Come on! I think I struggled with this last time you did a monitor-based joke. He loves a monitor-based joke.

The only person in the world who does. Are you suggesting I'm recycling? Outrageous. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. 945, Jamie and David on the M3 of Texted. We went to the reptile centre in the New Forest. Exclamation mark. Jamie and David on the M3 of Text is we went to the reptile centre in the New Forest! It was very hard to find two exclamation marks, but

we managed it! There we go, that's that. Delivered. And we've had the rather more enigmatic That could be a trap text. The rather more enigmatic 129 simply says I have been to the reptile centre. And lived.

Well, I don't know what else I could have done. Well, 160, like yourself, says, Hi, Frank, I'm with you on the search for the new forest reptile centre. I went looking for it, still never found it. Oh, 160. You are not alone. What do they... Do they not want people to go there?

What are they up to? What about a brown sign? Yes! A brown sign is so depressing. 1973, San Aridais. What, you think it's more depressing than not finding a thing and then having to talk about it on your radio show the following week? I would have found that centre. Oh. As God the following week. I would have found that centre.

Oh. As God is my witness, I would have found that centre. You would not. Because I would have. What I would have done is gone back to the hotel. I would have called the PR had they refused to help me. I would have said, look, have you got press people? I need to talk to you about this.

Find me that centre. Someone else has found it. You gave up, Frank. Never give up i'll get 90 minutes because my child was crying she'd been in the car so long 2.2 miles exactly we went we stopped at a field right yeah so we'll stop at this field at least it's sort of the countryside there was more excrement in that field than i have there was horse excrement there was i think it was a rabbit could have been goat it's a fine line there was certainly dog excrement there was borderline human i couldn't tell for it but everywhere we went do you remember those

posters used to get on the wall and in the in school the the wildlife of Great Britain. Oh, yes. Well, if they had won the wildlife of Great Britain, open brackets, excrement, close brackets, that's what this field would have been perfect for. Was this instead of the reptile centre? This was what we did. So we ran around in a field of excrement instead. Well, thank David Cox has been in touch.

It's an elaborate hoax. I also attempted to go there once and found nothing Well I mean, I'm glad it's not just me Because you're suggesting that I didn't put the effort in Honestly, I'd try and try I feel really bad, because you know what Safety in numbers

And I should have believed you yourself But now others are getting in touch I'm starting to think maybe it is an elaborate hoax. What is this place doing? Surely it wants visitors. What are they up to? Yeah. Have they got a phone number? Have they got a webby? Have they gone under? I'm worried that they've gone under.

What if the reptiles have escaped? Pouring scorn. No, they haven't gone under. There was recent posts on the thing all they need is like a say a uh at some sort of reptile a lizard pointing yeah not a good sign no a lizard pointing and that could be the or a man hire a man work experience in a leopard print tabard to point the way. It's deceiving, the leopard print. I'd be expecting big cats. No, I know, but I'm thinking

what do people instantly associate? You don't want a snakeskin tabard. You can't see the subtlety from the road. What we're talking about here is a place that presumably lives on its visitor. Football stop. Yeah.

I mean... What are they up to? What if it is just in the shape of a big chameleon? And when I passed it, it was just green. I couldn't find it anywhere. Maybe there's someone listening from the centre, if it exists. You'd think.

You'd think. I don't know how big it is. Oh, good point, yeah. Well, I don't know how big it is. Oh, good point, yeah. Well, I don't know anything about it. I've never seen it. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Howard is claiming that the reptile centre is definitely there on Google Maps satellite view. Who's going to go to that trouble, though, Howard?

Except you, obviously. Good on you, Howard, for your thoroughness. But I... Well, we've had a rather controversial review. Someone doesn't like the reptile centre, I'm afraid. Well done them for getting there. They said you're on about the new

forest reptile centre. You are. I like you're on about. It does exist. We both thought about it. Oh, God, sorry about that. But you're fortunate. Frank got a frog in his throat, ironically. I think they're amphibians.

Doing my best. I found the amphibian. Frank got an iguana in his throat. Because it saved you your hard-earned money, and I'm afraid I found it not very good there. Oh, obviously i'd love to be able to either um well deny or um agree with that he says he lives in southampton yes very adjacent oh is it okay the new forest reptile well maybe could be in scotland for all i know maybe it's the Forest Reptile Centre, and it's new, and it's in Sherwood Forest.

Oh, that could be it. Darren from Dudley, Abinya, says, perhaps it's like Jurassic Park, and all the reptiles have eaten everyone, and it's all overgrown. That's why you can't find it. I like the idea. I once sat in a sushi bar in bournemouth it's upstairs

it's called something like funky sushi or something like that and i looked down and i could see a crazy golf um course oh yeah including that one of them was a big clown's face with its mouth open that you had to chip a ball into. And it was overgrown with grass and dirt and stuff. And I thought, well, that's my career. Anyway. Why did you bring that up? What happened to you? Because you're talking about overgrown. Yeah, Jurassic Park, yeah.

I'm worried about you just launching into a sad anecdote about your career thoughts. No, I'll tell you when that moment happens. I'd suggest that the the question why did you bring that up could be a much repeated question on this program well richard denning which i'm going to call the possibly the communique of the century says i was born at the reptile center hold it in 1963 but it was not a reptile centre then. I thought it was like some terrible version of The Fly.

It was just a forestry commission house. We lived there for three years. It was called Holiday Hills. It's on the main route between Cadnam and Linters. Holiday Hills was one of the things I tried in my sat-nav, can I point out? OK. Well, he was born there, Richard. Richard, that is absolutely fantastic. If only you had some sort of bog inside you, and then we could have...

He's moved now, of course. It doesn't help, really. It's a lovely story. It's not going to help me find it. Well, nothing's going to help you find it. That part of your life's over and you need to move on. I mean, I'm not in the area anymore. I'm not going back down. It's no good somebody saying, here's a fail. But no one has done that.

Imagine if somebody did. Imagine if somebody sent in really good directions and you just went. And me and Emily had to do the rest of the show. There are. There are no really good... What is it about the countryside that you can put in a postcode and it just takes you somewhere about half a mile up the road?

Oh, yeah. Why, that's happened to me loads of times. There's nothing to these people. Yeah, they love a yomp, don't they, the country folk? They don't mind that. That's it. Just get out and walk. That's why they look so healthy and turn us on like us.

Because drunk driving is such a commonplace there, they think it's not even worth giving an accurate location because you're going to overshoot by at least half a mile just braking. Just a triple spinning handbrake turn is going to take you into another road. And relax. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. SatNav's work on longitude and latitude.

Maybe yours had the wrong latitude. Is that a pun on attitude, do you think? I don't think so. And then he says, Matthew in Glasgow, I think, which I like. Oh, I see. This is probably, Satnav might be wrong. I don't, but I tried lots of, I think I put in four different things and I asked the locals,

to be fair to the reptile centre in the New Frost, I don't know why I should be fair to them, as they're so elusive. I love it when you do a Jamie Redknapp to be fair. Yeah. To be fair. Someone who said it was terrible, we've had the counter-argument, haven't we?

Yes, we did. Who said that they had a great time, but if I'd have found it, I'd have made damn sure I had a great time there. Well, it was actually Carol Hughes. Carol Hughes? Yeah. It sounds a bit like a 1960s Dolly Bird.

Yeah, from the Liverbirds. Yeah. She says, your man from Southampton is deluded. The reptile centre is excellent. Well, I don't know about deluded. He has a different opinion. Oh, it's all gone a bit Brexit.

So, sorry, Carol. I've also had, Frank, I loved your monitor joke. In fact, it was so good, I can't gecko over it. Oh, Ian Angle, the child. Gecko over it. No, it wasn't. I tell you what, Angle's had a very busy morning with the old reptile centre refs.

Oh, anyway. Well, that's... I'm taking that now as irony, just so they can get in their own pond. But that's fine, I'll take my prize where I can get it. Well, that's... I'm taking that now as irony, just so they can get in their own pond. But that's fine. I'll take my praise where I can get it. What about that? Oh, sorry.

Let's say that was Tarzan. OK, it was Tarzan. Oh, dear. You had one thing to avoid. I know. I don't know where that came from. I mean, you just can't wipe your entire hard drive. I do. You're a bit of

a git. Oh, yes. I forgot that. But I love you. Thank you so much. I have to go to Adverts where I go and gargle. I know I can't gargle. Oh, God. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 80s, so you don't need to send us those. We're working on it. Yeah? Yes. Sorry. Sorry. I said sorry, can't hear me off the adverts being played simultaneously. It's hard out there for a... Oh, leave it. It's a jungle out there. We need to talk about the heat, actually, don't we? It seems hard. Everyone else, that's all anyone's talking about.

I love a chat about the heat. And also I like it because it's quite smooth FM. It's not one of ours, it's okay. When people in Britain talk about the heat, they're usually grabbing the front of their t-shirt and just shaking it like that. Oh, I love that. I love it when they do that. Oh, the heat waving it.

I don't like to say it's too hot, but it's too hot. Well, you can complain if it wasn't. Yeah, yeah. People use the numbers as well. It's going to be 28 tomorrow. Yeah. Like they know what that means. Come on.

What are you, a scientist? I think not. Yeah, it's going to be 28 tomorrow. Like they know what that means, come on. What are you, a scientist? I think not. It's going to be 28 tomorrow. No, it's the 20th. Can I say, by the way, before we go on, we'd like to send mega congratulations to our producer, Daisy, who has had a baby boy. A child? A baby boy today. Well, last night, actually, I think it was, wasn't it?

He's got a dimple apparently lovely yes he doesn't have a name yet but congratulations and she won't be listening obviously because she'll be um i suppose she'll be tucking into the placenta at this point but um that's what they do now the moderns but um it's fantastic news and lovely and and i got a text from i can't wait to get the clothes. And I'll tell you what I like. I got the text, didn't include the weight. No.

Often, though, they send the weight of the baby. It's funny that, because I wondered the weight. No, you see, I think it's true. We've discussed this before, and I find it an oversight when they don't mention the weight. I think it's indiscreet, the weight. Well, I always text people my weight just so they know hi running 10 minutes late but that's own four that's the point though isn't it is that if i

said to you i've got this new girlfriend yeah i'd stand 12 you'd think well come on that is so reductive you know she's a person yeah we're babies yeah can't wait to get them on the scales. Leave them alone. Anyway, that's great news. Where were we? The heat. There's lots of advice. You see, I don't relate to this. People say, oh, hot out there. Let's cool down. Never wanted to cool down in my whole life.

Really? You know I love the heat. I'm an exotic creature, Frank. Yeah, it's one of the strange anomalies of your personality. Because I usually associate really liking hot weather with the foolish in society. People look better Dubai and come back. My dream temperature is Lagos Airport. Oh, really? Is it? I've never been to Lagos Airport, but I bet it's a scorcher.

It's sizzling. It can be difficult, though, can't it, for some people, the terrible heat? My family and I went for dinner the other night. Too hot for lamb, if that's what you're going to suggest. I wasn't going to suggest that. But, you know, they give the kids pencils in some pubs when you're waiting for... My daughter asked my wife to sharpen the pencil for her, and my wife sharpened the pencil and started sweating.

Wow. She went, oh, God, it's too hot for this, it's just exhausting. Well she isn't a pencil sharpener or a Stanley knife. No it was a pencil sharpener, just normal, like it's not that- Oh yeah, it's not too bad. It shouldn't be that cardio but add in the heat and um- That is- I should mention my wife is the uh 35 stone woman but that's aside, that's just a- No I've always respected you for that, sticking with it. A lot of men would have been squeezed out of that house.

Not me. But they give advice, because they did one of these things this week. Did you see that? One of the papers did, you know, here's how to keep cool in the heat. And some of the advice I found a bit strange. Eat fish. That's weird. I mean, they said, I couldn't work that axle,

I've never thought that. No one fries up a bit of haddock because they're, you know, feeling the heat. They said that's to do with it will help you sleep because it has melatonin in it. Oh, that's... You don't want to be thinking that long term. Doing the heat. You don't want to think that long term. Stick your sheets you don't want to think that long your sheets short term thinking stick your sheets in the freezer i mean who's gonna do

that also i don't want it as a smelling of old potato wedges you're right if you've got that much space in your freezer you're wasting electricity if you've got that much space in your freezer and you're cold get in you're You're hot, I mean, get in. I just, nobody does. I've heard of the put the pants in the freezer. Yeah, so I'm going to eat the food after my pants have been in there. And what about another tip was put completely sodden socks on. So soak them. Oh.

So they're dripping wet. Oh, that sounds quite nice. I might give that a go. Shall we do it this morning? Well, I'm not sure it's hot enough, to be honest. I mean, you've got to remember, you know, when you get to my age, it can be a matter of life and death, hot summer.

Mr Skinner knows help is on its way. I have to be... I can't use... You know, those people, I call them people, with those little mini fans that you... You know what I mean? I know them. Two AA those little mini fans, you know what I mean? I know that. Two AA batteries and a little propeller.

If I do that now, I find my throat billows. I don't want that in my life. We've been texted, just wondering if Frank's umbrella hat doubles up as a sun hat in the current climate. I must admit, I haven't sorted out the umbrella hat. Again, new readers, when I first saw the umbrella hat, I thought that was the end of the handheld umbrella hat. I thought, that's that.

That's that dog. Hasn't caught on quite like I expected. Maybe if they market it as parasol hats, we're aware this summer. While we're on that subject, of course, another thing that the hot weather does bring out is poor clothing choices, I'm afraid. I've seen a hell of a lot of what I call coach driver sleeves out there on the shirts.

Yeah. And you know I have a zero tolerance policy with regards to them well i've been on uh holiday this week so you can wear kind of i wore a rara skirt for three days totally yeah but but i've just been i mean absolutely the old shorts t-shirt because you go to the i have given up shop um well i live there i was born there before it became unfindable. Yes. I went to a wedding recently on a very hot day and the photographer wore one of those short suits. Oh!

Do you know what I mean? Like a proper tailored suit. Do you know, that's so hipster. It's very East London because... Yeah, well, he had a bit of that about him. Did he have the beard? Well, he had a bit of a beard and he was slightly balding, which gave him very much the appearance of that man from um money supermarket.com adverts who does those sort of

twerking he really did look with the shorts and stuff if i was balding i'd go for the beard distraction if i was balding i'd jump under a car you You could get it sorted. No. I am... You're finished. Finished? I was a bit overly hot last week, and I don't know if you remember, but when we did this show last week,

I had some very thick denim jeans on that I wear. I didn't really notice how thick they were. Thicker than your average denim. Yeah, they're a selvedge denim. It's a high-quality denim. What, a 25-denier? It was 12-ounce, I think. What was a denier?

Oh, more like 60, Frank. But may I just say that I also, you know, as I've discussed on the show before, for day wear, underwear, I'm a boxer short guy. For exercise, I prefer to be held, but for boxer shorts is my day wear. Oh. But in the heat... The most disgusting thing you've ever said. Well, strapping. Twice now. to be held, but for boxer shorts is my day wear. Oh. But... What about your energy? The most disgusting thing you've ever said. Well, strap in.

Twice now. Strap in, because I've got something to finish this. Strap in? No, thank you. You strap in. In the hot weather last week, oh, my gossips. So clammy. Oh, no.

It's so clammy. Frank! No. I genuinely feel sick. I need help, guys. I'm trying. Oh, no, Frank! I genuinely feel sick.

I need help, guys. You remember when Frank was talking about his tummy sloshing last week? That's how I sounded when I walked on at the comedy store last Saturday night. Oh, please. Disgusting. This is horrible for me. I'm pregnant, I've showered, I've got a beautiful top on, my hair's washed. You look great, but we're talking about me for a moment.

And I'm stuck with two old men talking about gossips. I wasn't talking about gossips. Don't drag me in on this. We're talking about the heat. This is a heat problem. I took my child swimming this week, and he was being a bit naughty afterwards. So I'm in the changing room with him.

We're both naked, and I'm telling telling him off and he's shouting and stuff. And this bloke said to me, you've got a handful there. And for one minute... LAUGHTER But now he's talking about my son. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Now, do you remember I left something, I left things, I'm sorry, on something of a cliffhanger week? I think it might have even been the week before last. Do you remember, Frank?

I do, yes. It was, was it a neighbour's cliffhanger? Well, it was a story to do with my neighbor and we all like a neighbor's story oh yeah something a little bit uncomfortable about it isn't it which is what we like the idea that i might get home and you know she might be standing there in a little house coat local beef yeah yeah waving a mop at me angrily i don't think that will happen but i would like to get the reader's opinion on this. Okay. So this started, I actually showed Frank an email that I got from one of my neighbours on the way to Wimbledon, weren't we? We were. And I found the tone of this rather pass-ag,

if I'm honest. So it involves a tree, which is in my concrete patch, which is in my concrete patch and it's the branches hang somewhat near to her window oh yeah she was concerned about the branches becoming intrusive which was a fair enough point so i called out you two's gardener and he trims my foliage for me and he did a lovely job thank you paul and i was expecting an email back what What would you expect? Saying, thank you so much, that's great. Shall we have a glass of champagne? Come over. And I got this. No, dear Emily.

No, hello. Nothing. Just, I see your gardener has had a hack at the tree, which no longer threatens my windows. Full stop. I appreciate I've done the voice. Yeah. But... As I've done the voice. Yeah. But...

As I've said before, emails and texts should have stage directions. Mild irony in brackets. And then you could add that. Yeah. Firstly, I see your gardener. It just sounds somewhat suspicious of my motives. Yeah.

And your gardener sounds a bit like your fancy man. Yeah, it does a bit yeah is he no it's been in a concrete pack we've got a lovely relationship and it doesn't it no but he hangs around with you too so you know he must be a respectable character i've heard the edge is a very demanding character when it comes to precision but he's not worried about shade of course in his garden of the edge He's always got the hat on. He would be keen on the edge, though, wouldn't he? He'd want precision. You don't want a name like

the edge and not have precision. He's a hard-pressed monster. If I was the gardener, I would have claimed to have been called the hedge. Imagine that awkward moment. What's your name? I'm called the hedge. What are you, joking? No, I've always been called that awkward moment. What's your name? I'm called The Hedge. What, are you joking? No, I've always been called that.

Oh. But anyway, come in if you will. OK, can we return to the analysis of the email? What's her email continuing? So then, she says... What's her email address? We'll sort this out. I also felt your gardener made it sound just a bit sleazy

as if we're in cahoots maybe I'm over analysing but imagine being in a relationship with me then we get to had a hack at the tree now come on that implies as Frank you did say at the time Frank you're in deep my friend like me

you said that implies he went on a mad spree with a chainsaw also that he didn't do a great job so you know there's still a bit of branch there so there's a little bit of an insult to you like me. You said that implies he went on a mad spree with a chainsaw. Also that he didn't do a great job. Yes. So, you know, there's still a bit of branch there. So there's a little bit of an insult to you for booking a gardener that just goes hacking. Yeah, but we know why she booked him. Oh, yeah, we do. Oh, he had a bit of a hackle, right?

Don't worry about that. So, also, the tree which no longer threatens my windows. Can we discuss that? Passag. Well, I suppose... It's a very inflammatory word, threaten. I mean, the branches are gently... were gently brushing against the glass. Also, they were actually touching glass, as they say.

I mean, they were getting close for comfort. Oh, I'm touching glass. But they weren't standing there with shotguns. I there trying to think of someone who could say silver surfer maybe see like a sort of glass figure kind of can't think of any famous glass character what about a sommelier pardon a sommelier could say that yeah yeah a sommelier yeah yeah yes he spends his days touching glass if he was touching glass he would? A sommelier? Yes. He spends his days touching glass. If he was touching glass, he'd be even sommelier than usual.

Oh my goodness. Oh, James Martin here. I had to make a sandwich. Use bread. I always use butter. Makes it a bit more sort of buttery. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, that was my slight issue with my neighbor and i just felt it wasn't as friendly as it could have been i mean it's hard anyway i'm a bit like frank i like a face-to-face confrontation i don't like hiding behind an email knock on on my door. But also, the email is not... Call her out. You're calling her out.

Knock on my door, I'll take you down. No, she's a very nice woman, but I just think in this instance, I think perhaps the email could have done... I think if you want to get the best out of people, start a missive with dear and end it with best or regards. Don't end it with threatens my windows. Yeah, maybe describe it as your lovely tree

instead of threatens my window. Well, that's not the first time that's been said. I get emails from people who start high frank. What's up with that? Well, why don't you like that? Am I a character on Glee? Harsh, you are so harsh. I would say categorically you are not a character on that.

Do you not think you should start emails with hi? No, hi. If anyone says to me, hi, friend, I think, oh, come on. Most intolerant man that ever lived. I don't know about hi. You can't start an email with hi. So how would you, your ideal dream scenario email starts with what? Re would be the first thing it would say.

Re your garden. We went through a phase of having Re's for the people addressing this show, didn't we? I like, I'm happy with Deer. It's a shame that Deer's gone, I think. I, yeah. I hate Deer. Do you? Oh, okay.

Your manager is the best at sending emails they're never longer than three words at a time no well these phone messages are we're friends y'all that's what i don't leave a message just i'm a man now i'll just give him a missed call i won't bother leaving a message you're all about respond to a missed call you're busy guy. You know what I wouldn't mind doing? You know when I do one of my walks down memory lane and ask the question whatever happened to? Yeah. Remember her? Hold on a minute, see if I can find that

baby. Here we go. Whatever happened to you? Earache. Oh! When I was a kid, everybody had earache. It was an epidemic. There was barely a kid in our class who didn't have at least one wad of cotton wool in one of his ears.

Because of the earache? Yeah. Why did that die out, then? I think maybe the lack of playing with marbles in today's society has also coincided with the lack of people getting marbles jammed in their ear and earache. That was a rare cause. I would say the main cause of earache, as we were told,

was that great enemy of humanity, drafts. People sat next to a window that wasn't properly sealed. Oh, I thought you meant the board game. No. Relatively harmless. Which I've never played. That's one of my... Never played drafts. Maybe that's because I was pronounced it drafts. But I've never played it.

What do you do? Move those round things? What brilliant thing, though. What's the point of it? Catch the round thing. Yeah, you nailed it there. What I like is whenever you say you've never done something, you're always greeted with disbelief. So if you say, I've never played drafts,

never played drafts! Yes, I have played drafts. Oh, I thought you said you... Oh. Anyway, earache, I think, has basically gone. So I'm... Like Stitch. Yeah, like Stitch.

Which was, you pointed out, recently. Yeah, but it was so massive. I think people have... I can remember, Sid, you used to have a hot water bottle that held on the side of your head. And also, Frank, I seem to remember children taking days off school with that sighted as the reason.

Yeah, my earache. You would say, oh, they're not coming in today, they've got earache. Now, I don't think that would pass muster. They'd just say, well, but earache. You would say, oh, they're not coming in to say they've got earache. Now, I don't think that would pass muster. They'd just say, well, that's life. Come in. What about this? I know I disapprove of us becoming obscure on this show, as you know. Yeah, you must keep it really mainstream.

From the same family as Whatever Happened to Earache. Whatever Happened to... Neuralgia. Gone. Ne to you? Neuralgia. Gone. Neuralgia? Neuralgia. Pain down one side of the face. Gone.

Completely gone. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're all right there? I'm all right, carry on. We've had a text, I think... He went doing what he loved best. Yeah, yeah.

Coughing. I didn't think you could see it under the desk. Really? And it's wrong for me to say gosset, apparently. But this is fine. It's just a word, gosset. Wow. Too many consonants.

We've had an email... we've had a text rather, that I think is offering Emily some advice. Re-email, I'd mail back. Are you for real? A simple thank you would suffice. That's from Debbie, who sounds confrontational, frankly. Oh, you know what, Debbie, Debs and I, I think we're going to get along just fine.

Very clear communication. You wouldn't say that if she lived next door. No, because we deal with I think we're going to get along just fine. Very clear communication. You wouldn't tell her if she lived next door. No, because we deal with things. We're like two cats in a sack. No, we deal with things. We'd have a little rout, be over, we'd open the champagne. Yeah, job done. Yeah.

It's all about the champagne. All your neighbour routes seem to be about the champagne. Yeah, that's because that's all I keep in my fridge, that and an eyeliner. You don't have champagne in your fridge, do you? I do, I've got two bottles at the moment. Champagne is one of the funniest things. It really makes me laugh. They're gifts, Frank, and they stay in the fridge. I know, but I was in a posh restaurant at the hotel,

and I heard the woman say, yes, and if you order this moment, you begin with a glass of champagne. I just really laughed. yes and if you order this moment you get it you begin with a glass of champagne i just really laughed people just think a champagne is like the best exciting yeah thing it's like pop it's just like pop not really good stuff frank oh no but champagne i told you about when i had to i was going out with a woman and we split up i told you about this didn't i she went to uh nicky clark nicky clark Clark's hairdressers. And he said, oh, I was Frank, and she burst

into tears. And he went into a slight panic and came back with a glass of champagne. LAUGHTER What's the... What are you celebrating? Or... Oh... Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. Anyway, look... Nicky was... Can we just say on the lockdown... Eh, Nicky!

Eh, Nicky is the best! Eh, Nicky! Hey, Nicky, it's the first bit of air! Hey, Nicky! Hey, Nicky! That's right. Now that we've fixed the problem on Absolute 80s, why don't you make it seem like it's still there? Why don't you make it a worse problem? Frank, what I was-

Hey, Nicky! See? Sorry. What I was going to say, Frank, was that Nicky, please don't do it again- Nicky Clark. Was on the Loch Ness Celebrity Parade that you went on with David Bad, Frank, was that Nicky, please don't do it again, Nicky Clark, was on the Loch Ness Celebrity Parade that you went on with David Baddiel, was he not? I'll say he was, he was a centrepiece.

You know it's been 20 years since Loch Ness Celebrity Parade. Has he? How do you know that? 20 year anniversary. I've got ways. Got diarised as a reminder. Well, I think it came out the same year as Three Lions. Ah. That's why, no offence,

that's why you and David were invited. You had like a six-month window. What was Nicky's big moment? Doing Di's hair. Oh, yeah. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So,

we've had another email. Do you think that's nominative determinism? Oh, God. Okay. All right, yeah. Anyway, so what were you saying, Alan? We've had an email. I lived in Sydney.

It's entitled Weather. I lived seven years in Sydney. The summer temp averaged 25C to 32C. No one took any notice. Just carried on with daily life. What a bunch of wimps the British seem to be. A bit of warmth and everyone is moaning. I can't count how many comments I've heard on different media outlets whining about it. Stop moaning, it's great.

Yours, Paul Stewart. Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. But what happened to Australian tennis? Anyway. What happened to Australian telly? Oh, it was never good. Right, I catch ya. I was being driven, oh I don't know, I love bony. What about the Australian telly? Oh, it was never good. Right, I catch you. I was being driven... Oh, I don't know, I love bony.

What about the Young Doctors? Sullivan's. Young Doctors? Lots of good stuff. Bonnie's Bar? Are they all smoking drunk? So, look, I was being driven in this morning, I'll be honest with you.

And I saw a sign in the shop window that said, Real Leather Jackets Upstairs. There's Ron Atkinson loitering around outside. It's this idea of real leather jackets. I know, you know, we don't often see these about now, but these are the real thing. Upstairs, don't tell anybody.

Right. And I got in and I thought, first of all, it was too hot to even think about real leather jackets. Yeah. Pah! I thought, poof! I thought, first of all, it was too hot to even think about real leather jackets. Yeah. Pah! I thought, foof! I thought to myself, I used both hands to wave. I came in, I picked up this morning's Daily Mirror, and on page, I think it's 27,

50% off seven-pocket leather jacket. Oh, my goodness. Seven pockets. I mean, I'd be so tempted to have a small framed picture of of the seven dwarfs but it's and it's got um i'd like to think where dopey will be i think i'd be in the russian athlete's pocket so uh seven pocket leather jacket seven's in a different color so you're supposed to say seven pocket seven and then it's got uh 59.99 with a cross through it i mean why put it there at all surely you're gonna plan an advert better than

that don't put a price thing on us wrong yeah cross that out really bad and they crossed it out with a big crossing as well. It's not like they've done it discreetly with shading. I mean, you know, you can still get Tippex. You can. It's not as popular as it used to be. Or retype it. Whatever happened to Tippex?

29. It said, bound to take the fashion world by storm. So look out for that. I think we need to put that up on the socials. Seven pocket number jackets. Where are the seven. Hang on. You've got two breasts. Well, I'm looking. If you know what I mean. On the picture. I'd say two breasts, Frank. Let me guess. I haven't seen it. Two breasts. Two breasts. Two, I'm saying, let's call it hamstring area. Hamstring. It's a jerky. Oh, it's a blouson. Yeah. Okay. Two waist.

It's a jacket. Oh, it's a blouson. Yeah. Okay. Two waist. Oh, that's four. Where's the other? Well, actually, there must be... One inside.

The one internally to the side. Where the other one in is... It's a... Well, 8, 12, 15. Where is the seventh pocket? I want it to be right across the back, like a cyclist's jacket. You know, the... Oh, like a postbox.

Yes. If anyone's got the... I should get a leather jacket with one of those.. If anyone's got the seven pocket leather jacket, let us know where that other pocket is. I wonder if it's one of those sometimes you get on the upper arm for your house keys. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner. I'm accompanied by Emily Dean and Alan Cochran on this occasion. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, or, um... Or don't. Just listen to it passively.

Good point. Well, the big story this morning, everywhere, is the seven-pocket leather jacket. Page 27 of the Daily Mirror, I think it is. They're saying, they're saying, bound to take the fashion world by storm, the new fashion showstopper, hyphen between show and stopper,

was 59.99. It could have been the new fashion show Stopper Which of course it would have been Well because it puts a halt to anything fashion If a supermodel came down the catwalk wearing a seven pocket leather jacket, somebody would stop it

and say hold on a minute he's supposed to be wearing lovely flimsy frocks The Louis Vuitton menswear show which I recently attended in Paris. Hell yeah. Front row. I saw it. I was there. I wasn't. No you weren't. No I wasn't. If someone had

walked out in a seven pocket leather jacket oh I would have loved that Frank. Well it's the sort of thing the designers when they come out in the end they come out with ripped jeans and t-shirts like we don't care about clothes. We think that's our job. We've actually had an email, because we asked where would the seven pockets be. I mooted the idea of the cycling-style lower back pockets,

which, you know, when they've got their packets of biscuits in the lycra bit. Oh, I thought that was for a... They've got all sorts of... Cagoule. Yeah, a lot of... They fit a lot of stuff in there. It's a stretchy fabric, the cycling top.

We've had an email, seven-pocket jacket. I'm guessing that the bottom pockets are doubled up, with one pocket being top entry and one side entry. Oh. This makes the lower pockets equals four, plus the two breast pockets and an inside pocket. Inside pocket for your Interpol ID card. He continues, just like my seven-pocket puffer jacket.

Oh. Then he praises us, which we can't read out. It's not on your idea. No, fair enough. I think they should say include some doubling up after the number seven. Well, Jake Conran, as he points out, it could just be one, I'm afraid. Sometimes two pockets can magically occupy the same area. I think that's...

That's essentially what you're saying. Yeah, top entry, side entry. I hadn't thought... What I would have liked is the same four pockets on the back of the jacket. Yeah. Oh, like when there's some... LAUGHTER

When ladies' tops have got the buttons all down the back and it looks like they're in reverse. Yes. You could get that with a leather jacket, pockets. Oh, but you'd be worried if you... What, you mean four as in the windows of a house, of a traditional house? Yeah, yeah.

If you look at the... Yeah, it looks like four windows on a house. Looking at it now. In the mirror. If the back, it had the same ones. So there'd be stuff you wouldn't put in the back pockets. Well, that's eight pockets. I mean, that's a whole different kettle of fish eight pockets.

Well, you wouldn't put your cigarettes in the back pockets because you lean back on the bus. And what are you going to put in the back pockets? You're going to have mischievous schoolboys just undoing the top pocket, taking a cigarette out, maybe even taking a disposable lighter. Well, what are you going to put in those back pockets? Stuff that you don't need that often.

Playing cards. Three playing cards and a Euro note. Stuff that wouldn't break if you leaned on it. You know, chamois leather. Penknife. No, I don't know about penknife. Let me think about that one. My foundation. Extra strong mints, because you don't need those all the time, do you?

That's the title of Emily's new book. My foundation. My foundation. Yeah, last week I did Why I Use My the time, do you? That's the title of Emily's new book. My Foundation. Yeah, last week I did Why I Use Mysterizer. My book's selling well. What about Rasmus has tweeted us. One for phone, one for wallet, one for OysterCod, four for actual oysters. Four oysters?

Quite surreal. I usually get mine by half dozen. Well, that'll help you in the heat wave, the fish. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, this news just in. Someone has tweeted us. Don't call me Justin, I've told you that. Frank, just gone past the new Forest Reptile Centre.

That is not true that happened three seconds ago yeah made up i've gone past it all right frank it was probably half a distance yeah um we uh we could discuss could potentially discuss one of my favorite things that has been in the news this week which is that the Dragon's Den people years ago turned down the Tangle Teaser. Do you know the little hairbrush? Are you aware of the Tangle Teaser, Emily? Of course I am. Do you have a Tangle Teaser? No, but my nieces are big

fans of the Tangle Teaser. Well, I'm a big fan of it. Well, my daughter is a fan of the said Tangle Teaser. And nothing makes me happier than the dragons turning something down that then goes on to success. Their position is one of arrogance, isn't it? Like, that is their gig. Yes, they are very much in the I know chair.

Yeah, I'm certain. And I find any, like... And they cannot dress. But, um... LAUGHTER The other thing is, when they turned it down now, I think they've been a little bit hoist by their own baton, because I think what they did was,

they thought, I've got such great hair puns here, which are negative in tone. I'd rather get my terrible hair puns in than invest in what is clearly a very good business proposition. Hence you had Duncan Ballantyne saying it made him want to pull his hair out. Peter Jones said it's harebrained. Yes, but then James Caan said, a waste of time. Ricky laughs Absolutely no.

I mean, come on. Ricky laughs Yeah, he could have said. So he could have accepted it. Yeah, he could have. I don't think this will even be on the fringe of success he could have said. He could have said all sorts of things. He could have said, I'm giving you the brush off.

He could have. I mean, you and Alan would have been in your absolute element. Well, I haven't been asked to be a dragon, funnily enough. Of course you haven't. You're not an entrepreneur. Well, I'm a sort of an entrepreneur, and then I sell me. Oh, yeah. Slum landlord as well. Well, I used to

in Birmingham in the old days. Can I say? I needed the money for a drink. Well, I'd invest in you as a brand. Thank you so much. Well well i was invited to get on board early with ketamine and i thought this won't catch on is that right yeah i could have been a rich man now you turned that down yeah i came back i suppose at the time you were busy with gap weren't you is it gaps that you were yes he lied he invented the gap. I wasn't saying invented. I was at the meeting. I suggested the name.

You were. And I was... You always say that, but you have no idea about my past. Yeah. Anyway, I... Sadly, you have a lot of idea about mine. I've got... I can't picture a tangle teaser, I want to be honest.

Can you not? No. I mean, when... How would you describe it? I'd describe it almost... It's a hairbrush, is it? It is. Can you not? No. I mean, when- How would you describe it? I'd describe it almost, um- It's a hairbrush, is it? It is. Kidney swimming pool shaped.

Ooh. When Deborah Meaden described it as a horse brush, I don't think she was a million miles. It does look a bit like a horse. No, it was horse. Just so you know, it was horse brush. That's what I said. Okay. I was just checking how you were spelling it.

Horse brush. Um, and the teeth on the brush- Yeah. and the teeth on the brush yeah they are positioned in such a way that you're able to i mean you're able to get through the hair without it hurting they do work actually i don't know if the other ladies here have ever used one no i can see that but um i can recommend it wholeheartedly i haven't used it i mean my hair is so matted, I have to use a Toblerone. That's the only thing I can get through. That explains a lot, actually.

There's some little lumps of new garter in your hair. Do you actually comb, Al? I've been considering going to a combed fashion, but I don't at the moment. I love an idea of a comb in the top pocket, don't get me wrong. Yeah, I like that. It's very 1950s murderer. Maybe that's comb in number

seven. Oh! Pocket number seven. Yes! Yeah, because also, if mischievous schoolboys steal it, it's not the end of the world. No, they're cheap. Now, I've just been to a gymnasium typetype dressing room.

Oh, yeah? I was swimming, I wasn't working out. And there was free combs when you came out. What about that? Free combs? Free combs. No. Have a comb, have a comb.

People said, have a comb, go on. Unbelievable. I've never heard of such a thing. I said, what are you talking to any high for like that? You know, apparently Donald Trump's hair is so sticky and it's hard. You know that front bit? Right, yeah. Well, I'm not surprised.

It won't move. He sprays it to keep it there. Well, you know he does it himself. He refuses to get a hairdresser. Oh, good for him. Respect. Good for him. Respectamundo, as Frank would say. I think Salmon Village for smoking has had respect. And Donald Trump for refusing to get a hairdresser.

Donald Trump is building a wall around his forehead. Yes. Well, I, as you know, I'm something of a hero in the S&M community. When I invented the strangle teaser, which is, if it's used properly, it's completely safe. What is the safe word for it, though? Hold on, I'll tell you more in a minute. This is Frank Skinner of Sniff Radio. I have to say, my respect is due to the Sean P.

He's the guy that came up with Tangle Tease. Oh, OK. Or the Tangle Teaser, I think it's called. He's called Sean P. He's the guy that came up with Tangle Tease. Oh, okay. Or the Tangle Teaser, I think it's called. He's called Sean P. He's not called Sean P, is he? Sean P was working as a colour technician at Vidal Sassoon. What's the P? Just the letter P?

Isn't his name Pirrup? Puff Palfrey? Oh, maybe his nickname's Sean P. Why are you turning him into some P. Diddy character? Waiting for P to have a vision. What I liked is it says in this paper here, it says that he had a light bulb moment. Yeah. He realised that he could- and then it said, in the years that followed, he spent

much of his own money and time creating prototypes. That's the bit that I think really divides the inventor from the civilian. Yeah. That's when you need a shed. Yeah, I mean if I said to my wife, I'm gonna start creating prototypes, I think she'd be very worried. I think there would be, you know, we haven't got a shed, Yeah, I mean, if I said to my wife, I'm going to start creating prototypes, I think she'd be very worried. I think there would be, you know, we haven't got a shed, I'd be doing it in a cellar. I was in a bar once

in those days. Well, you say once. I was in a bar at New Street Station and the trains were delayed, so I was in there a fair bit, and there's a man came and sat next to me. It's long before I was a much loved celebrity. Borderline national treasure, I'd say.

Yeah, I hadn't even started the colour. Before things like seven-pocket leather jackets came into your earth. It's great. Who buys a leather jacket when it's this hot? It shows tremendous foresight to even imagine it not being hot. Well, this is what happens. I have to start buying winter coats soon. This is my world, you see.

I'm in awesome winter already. Well, to be fair, the Daily Mirror also had an advert for a night before Christmas. Nightmare before Christmas for cuckoo clock. So shop early at the Mirror. What was we talking about? You were talking about when you used to drink. Yeah, so this man came over and we were chatting and uh he he was talking about joe orton he was the inventor

of letter set do you remember that of course i do yeah he used to scribble over it and it appeared on the paper it's like an early you'd use it to do projects so for example roman britain you'd write you'd put that over then you'd put the pencil on it not only that but on the back of shredded wheat you used to get like a city scene a dark city scene and then you'd get a sheet of Batman Robin and

some villains and you could scribble them onto the scene absolutely brilliant but he ended up getting a bit drunk and advising me against a particular physical act, which he said was a trap for germs. I had so many nights that started well like that and then just went horrible. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've been corrected, actually, Frank. I think I said that right. Hello, Frank. Your alga hasn't disappeared. I still suffer with it at least once a year. Ruth. I thought it was back pain.

Sorry to hear that, Ruth. Your alga. That's sciatica, isn't it? I tell you what, something you don't hear mentioned much of back pain was lumbago. Oh. That's good. I'm sorry to hear Ruth suffers. I always thought lumbago was one of bat pain was Lombago. Oh! That's good.

I'm sorry to hear Ruth's offence. I always thought Lombago was one of the ones who won Miss World. There's a good story. They were always Miss something. It sounds like one of those South American countries. Yeah, Miss Lombago. There's a good story in one of the tabloids today that Viagra may cure the pain of sciatica. Someone did a noise, didn't they?

Is that Frank? Frank? Giving us a little reverse burp again. Is it my stomach again? No, you know those gurgles? You know you've been talking about sloshing? Yeah. Which I absolutely love.

Unstoppable. In case you didn't hear last week, sloshing is when you have a drink and for some reason, you, instead of becoming an absorber of fluid, you become like a receptacle and you can finish a sloshing about like you were a bottle or something. And as Frank said, obviously I'm a sensitive human being. You did something just then. Now what's this, which is when the throat goes all of its own accord do you know that what about when i was lying in bed one night and i could hear

i live by uh hamster needs i thought it took me um about four or five minutes to realize i'd been frightened by my own nose terrifying anyway what else is well i'll tell you what else we've heard from some of our listeners i should say readers i apologize in australia rebecca has said delighted delighted to watch Alan's star turn, Groping Beth, on Hashtag Corrie, which aired in Australia tonight. Oh, that's from Australia. Clam up to the cockerel, cockatoo. Coro Street, just aired in Oz. Lovely little turn.

Up there with Jason the Asthmatic. So hold on a minute. When did that go out? A month ago in England. Yeah, I would say so. That's like Great Britain. While we still can. Oh, so sad. Or maybe it was less than that.

It was during the football, it was during the Euros. But the fact it's just gone out in Australia. Yeah, it seems like. They're a few weeks behind. Did they send the tapes out on the Queen Mary? There's a delay. They're always a little bit behind. But you'd think in the modern day, with the streaming,

you'd think it would be immediate. Because they'll be on the internet and they'll say, oh, it's a shame about Albert Tatlock dying. And they'll know before it's actually happened. Yeah, it's very difficult. My appearance on Coronation Street led me to be recognised. You know, I was talking the other day about

how I vary the butchers that I use. I went into the butchers in Stockport where I pop and this guy in the butchers, he said to me, one of my lads says he's seen you on Coronation Street. I said, oh yeah, that was me. I said, how did he say he'd seen me? He said, the guy that buys turkey drumsticks. The guy that buys big turkey. I went, I can't be the only guy that buys turkey drumsticks the guy that buys big turkey i went i can't be the only guy that buys turkey drumsticks surely or you'd stop selling them yeah how many do you buy oh usually two they're massive though well do you know what if that's your equivalent of the man with the golden gun i'll take that you should take that he's got a turkey drumstick. If I worked in a butcher's and someone come in and bought

any more than two turkey drumsticks, I'd assume they were juggling at home. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a quick 5-5-6, whatever happened to the cramp you got if you went

swimming within 30 minutes of eating. That's gone. Is that fully gone? People would get off swimming for that. I won't risk it. I once remember Mad Magazine did a spoof of those true life magazines you used to get with people saying

things like, you know, my husband was a vampire and stuff like that. And one of the headlines, it was about a non-sensationalist and one of the things on the front cover was, I went swimming after a heavy meal. And on the subject of... On the subject of Dragon's

Den and the Tangle Tees, my favourite invention, my favourite modern invention is still that spinny swimming costume dryer that you get in some posh hotel gyms. Oh, yeah. You know, when it's that and pausable telly where you can rewind a bit. Yes, yes. I mean, I must have...

Brilliant. I must have rewound David Cameron humming outside 10 Downing Street after that speech about 45 times to try and work out if it was accidental or not. What about Pete Burns and George Galloway in a blue morph suit on Celebrity Big Brother over 10 years ago? How many times has that been paused on my screen? I do quite

a lot of unilateral no ball decisions on the cricket, so I'll go back. Often you see a replay and there's a no ball and they don't even mention it. Yeah. Oh, what's going on? What is the world coming to?

This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. So I've been considering shaving my beard. Off? This week, yeah. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. For a very specific reason. I was on stage the other night, I was performing at a, an event, so I was reading from an autocue and-

Oh. I could feel- One of his culprits. I could feel moustache hair sort of bending its way from my moustache upwards back into my nostrils and I couldn't, like I sort of fidgeted and then and i was convinced like maybe i've created some kind of you know uh salvador dali but short but going back in and i was coming and i kept sort of fidgeting with it i thought what can i do so i think shaving it off entirely is probably you don't think it's ingrowing i wonder if it's an ingrowing hair ingrowing hair but an

ingrowing beard so i come one morning and the whole thing's going back in. But I don't know if you noticed this. You wouldn't be able to get that off. During the Euros, I noticed that Rio Ferdinand, he had a beard, but he'd shaved just the little bit in between nose and moustache. I don't understand that. Well, I'll be honest, I laughed when I saw that. But this week I thought, I think he might be onto something.

But in what we know is the Fultrum area, is it? Is it the Fultrum? That's right. Yeah, but the thing is with that, is if you're going to get... Like, I got a beard because I was too drunk to shave for about eight years. That, do you know, that picture of you in the beard? Yeah. It's one of my favourite photographic images ever.

The joy of a beard is you don't shave. You don't have a beard and be shaved. Yeah, I don't want the beard and maintenance. And I think, I don't know. You've got to do grooming. I think Rio might be doing a bit of colouring as well with the beard. That's like saying if you have long hair, well that's great, you don't have to bother with it.

Yes you do. That is the point. You need to do grooming now. There are whole beard shops. Oh no. I'll take you to one. It explains the Amish. Have you considered, uh, tangle teeth? That might be the answer. you considered, uh, Tangle Tease? I could do that, couldn't I? That might be the answer. Well, look, um... You alright? I'll be alright in a minute.

As we used to say, there's a little bit of meat in that one. It's all gone a bit... Why's he gone a bit unaccustomed as I am? So I googled best man speeches on the internet. It was a bit of that. So, um... What am I saying? So, um, what am I saying?

Yes, so, um, thank you so much for listening this morning. And Al is having some time off now. See you soon. Oh, no, I miss him. You know, he'll be back. Are you going to leave a sign that says back in... Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so, look, thanks very much for listening. Congratulations again to our producer, Daisy Knight, who was done the ultimate bit of producing, I suppose. Because it's like a human life. OK, so, yes, thanks for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.