The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Rough Book

Episode Date: June 4, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back and joined by Alun and Emily. The team discuss Buzz's Birthday Party, Zlatan and Tom Hardy's security measures. They also reminisce about 'rough books'.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Lovely to have you back, Frank. Thank you, it's lovely to be back. It's terrible that Muhammad Ali has died, a major part of my growing up

I was just watching him on the telly there was a guy called Howard Cassell that used to interview him quite regularly and Howard Cassell once thought the way to handle him was to use big words so that Muhammad Ali wouldn't be able to know what he was talking about and slightly put him down

a bit, And Ali was saying, I'm so marvellous, I'm the greatest, I'm the greatest of all time. And he said, you're very truculent. He said, I don't know what truculent means, but if it's good, I'm it. Straight in, straight in. He also said that he was so fast

that he could put his bedroom light off and get into bed before it got dark. My kind of man. He was. Exactly. Yes, absolutely magnificent. Getting up with my dad at three o'clock in the morning to listen to fights on the radio.

Anyway, let's be light-hearted. Yes. Let's be light-hearted and talk about your son's party. Yes. Oh, my God. Sorry, I sound like I'm a bit... You sound a bit snotty. I am a bit snotty.

I didn't want to use that word when people are having their breakfast. Or more likely, with our listeners, have hangovers. Do you think they do? Might be having their supper. They might be having their supper now with four beds. There's a high demographic of hangover sufferers, I think. Do you think, on Absolute Radio? This time on the Saturday morning, the whole country.

I've got that, do you remember those two return tickets to Nottingham advert? Yes. Which was an advert for Vic. No, it was Chins. Help you breathe more easily. Oh, was it Chins? Yes, that's right. Do you still get Chins? Yeah, can you still buy tunes?

Yeah, I think so. They were like, Can you still? That's a very one of my favourite things, can you still? Does this still happen? That's a very 70s thing to see. I mean, you'd only see them in a minicab. I haven't seen them for a long time. I don't know if you can. They were sort of the medical profession's

answer to Spangles, weren't they? You remember a few weeks ago we were doing sounds that you don't hear anymore. You remember that? Oh, yeah. Three weeks ago, I went to see a... I think gargling was on. I think it was, yeah. I went to see a rock band the following

week and the next day I had the tsss. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. I really thought that had stopped. How did you? But it was back. No, I don't know. week and the next day I had the tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Yeah, they do. Do they? People shout Alan now, have you noticed that? Alan? Yeah, it's a thing. Oh, at your gigs they do. Well, yeah, they do. They don't shout it to me and Frank. But it's also a thing. Like, it's a thing where people go, Alan! And then somebody at the other side of the concert goes, Alan!

No. It's a thing. No, it's not, darling. It's just a really bad thing that I've got the name that is in question. I didn't know that. Well, I've already learnt something this morning. Frank, I've got a bit of housekeeping to do, which is your...

Is that why you're wearing that quilted housecoat? I was surprised at that. You've got a bit of beef with David Seaman. Oh, yeah? You going for dinner? So, no, Frank was on a documentary. I bet he loves beef, don't you? Oh, God.

Oh, he loves beef. Favourite food, Frank? Favourite food, steak. Favourite food, steak. Favourite drink? Biggest influence on career, dad. What would you have been if you were in a footballer? Electrician. Favourite drink, Frank?

What do they like? The one they didn't own up to beer often, I think. Oh, no. Oh, no, they said beer. I think they said top deck shandy. Well, anyway, so there was a documentary this week. In my experience of drinking with professional footballers, it's vodka and Red Bull.

Can we not talk about my experience of drinking with professional footballers? But anyway, for the autobiography. Well, mine ended when we all went home separately. Anyway, thanks for that, Frank. So there was a documentary this week, which may I say was very fine, when football came home, was it called? Alan Shearer was front here, but you and David were in it. Yes, I have.

Marvellous. I cried. I haven't seen it, I must say, at this point. I cried. Oh, that's lovely. And that wasn't just because of your clothes. However, on this documentary, you referred to David Seaman and you told an anecdote about him, didn't you? I did.

Do your anecdote for us. He approached me think it was we were at a um a premiere this is in the days when not only I got interviewed I invited the premieres but so did Alan Seaman David I thought you David Seaman sorry who is Alan Seaman Alan Alan oh yeah I've got Alan on my mind. David Seaman is a bloke. Do you remember those crisps, Smokey Beckham and Saul Lineker? David Seaman was the guy who didn't get the phone call. Anyway, he come up to me and said, Frank, I've got something I've been wondering about. I was going to say pondering, but he wouldn't have said that. And he said, who is Jules Rieme?

Well, he says not. He was asked about this. Some fans were giving him beef about this on Twitter. And do you know what he replied? Go on. He's a little liar and wait till I see him. I can't believe it. I would swear I'll take him to the European Court of Justice.

We'll have to worry up the way things are going. But there is no question that Alan Seaman... No, David Seaman. David Seaman. You've Alan'd me up all morning now. Alan Seaman this, Alan Seaman that. David Seaman definitely, definitely said that. I suppose he's going to say he didn't let in that goal

from the half-way line. Oh! Oh, the memory plays tricks. He didn't let in that goal from the half-eye line. Oh! Oh, the memory plays tricks. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, yes. I'm just checking to see if we've had any correspondence from Alan Seaman.

I don't think we have. We have had correspondence, though. 869 has texted in, Morning. Yes, I have a hangover walking the dog. Could you talk a little quieter, please? OK. There must be another solve to that. Another what? Solve?

I've never heard that term before. I like it. Oh, well, I like to mix up my syntax. By the way, on the subject of who's out there listening, I met a woman this week in Hereford. Oh. I've been to the pig auction there. Have you? Did you get one? I didn't buy one. Oh, okay. I was browsing.

What's the point? What's the point of going after you'd bought that estate car especially to get it back home? Window shopping, were you? Could you put it, would it be legal to just put one in a passenger seat with a safety belt on? I don't know, I've got some friends who own two pigs, so I'll ask them. Yeah, but they've got quite small pigs, I don't know if that would work. No, they were miniature pigs when they bought them, and then they found out they were done.

They weren't miniature pigs. Anyway, that's another story. Okay. So they end up buying the whole hog. Oh, lovely, Frank. Anyway, I... You met a woman. There's a guy called...

Yeah, and her husband, who's called Rodri, listens to the show. I think he listens live as well. And he's a remote area medic in Kurdistan. Wow. Which is a job and a half. So we don't do... Quite commuter as well.

We don't do shout-outs on this show because all our listeners have got hangovers. They don't want that kind of volume as we've established. But, Rodri, if you're listening in Kurdistan, we love you for being a remote area medic. Does that mean he just does people's private parts? I had to go to the remote areas clinic myself.

They said Gerbiline would have done it, wasting my money. Frank, are we ready to talk about this party? I don't normally call you darling, by the way. I quite liked it. Because I was there, and I should say, during the show last week I mentioned it, but I didn't go full

forensic. Okay. As I felt... That you weren't on the stand. The witness was not on the stand. I wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth. Yeah. Well, I... Because from my perspective, there were some extraordinary things going on. Yes. My son, who's called Buzz, after Buzz Aldrin,

who I believe is at Waterstones today in Piccadilly, doing a book signing. What's happened to this show? Exactly. I just mentioned I don't get a retainer from Boz Aldrin. I go through Time Out and read out what else is on in London. Actually, I think I did get a retainer from Boz Aldrin, one of his old bottlers I signed up.

Working for me. Anyway, yes, so my son was four, and so I thought I'd have a birthday party for him. Now, the significance of this, particularly for me, is my first ever memory, as far as I can piece it together, was I remember sitting on the bed and saying to my mother, I'm four today. It's a memory I can date quite accurately.

Yeah. Unless you were just wrong when you were a kid, which also happens. Unless I forgot the bit where she says, no, no, no, you're 14. I'll kill that typist. No, so I know, and I have a friend who knows about stuff like this, and he says children don't really remember anything

until they're about four. Right, you know, nothing specific. All right, Buzzkill. Yeah, OK. So I thought, well, he'll remember this party, so I want to make it, you know so I want to make it particularly special. Oh, he'll certainly remember it. Yes, well, I have to say he loved it.

I found it one of the most stressful events of my entire life, including all my performing career on live television, enormous gigs, and this. This. Once seeing Catherine Jenkins approaching from the opposite side of the alley with a pitchfork. Can I tell you, there was a moment when I realised you might be quite stressed, was when I overheard you saying to your manager's assistant, who said, can I get you anything?

And you said, a bottle of brandy would be nice. Yes. Of course, he knows better than to take me seriously on that. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sitting here now. But yeah, oh, God. Other people's parties I've grown into as I've got older. But when you actually organise something yourself, you spend the whole thing just worrying about it.

It wasn't until the first bin liner came out to clear up that I had a headache for the whole thing just worrying about it it wasn't until the first bin liner came out to clear up that my i had a headache for the whole event and it went when i saw i realized that it was over you also got locked outside and when we let you back in you said oh well it was better than being locked inside yes yes i was a little negative also there was a woman cleaning up there and i said where do we put the bin liners? And she said, you must take them away. You! I thought, yes, all right.

See if, you know, the next sentence was going to be, because of the Nazis, find them here. But she was so aggressive and unkind to me. Oh, dear. At that stage, I just... She's lucky I didn't just fall to my knees and sob like a... Some sort of. Oh, dear. But at that stage, I just... She's lucky I didn't just fall to my knees and sob like some sort of... Oh, Frank.

Well, Buzz had a lovely time, except he had same-dress nightmare. He did, yes. There were two Supermans. That's the trouble with superhero themes. Same-dress nightmare is always a risk. That's a hazard, though. That's, you know...

And life will deal him, you know, the skills to cope with that, I think. It's a good early lesson. No-one went to Clark Kent and then became Superman later. But, you know, they're four. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I hired some entertainment for my child's party. I won't... Can we say it was age-appropriate? Yeah. Oh, yeah, so I hired some entertainment for my child's party.

I won't name... Can we say it was age-appropriate? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Last time you mentioned entertainment, I missed you. I won't name them because I'd like someone else to fall for it. They were... I thought they sounded like you last time with the Brits.

I was a bit disappointed, I'll be honest with you. Oh, that's a shame. You were, weren't you? You made that quite obvious. Yes, it was two people, a man and a woman. It's not relevant where they came from, but they had that sort of Bela Lugosi accent. And they did... Well, I'm going to call them songs.

Songs from the old country, I'd call them. I was speaking to your friend John, and he was a witty fellow. When they played Hakuna Matata, because I'd requested some... Oh, I didn't hear that. No, well, you did hear it. You just didn't recognise it.

Buzz, to his credit, recognised it. But I'd asked for some. They'd said, do you want any requests? And I said, well, he loves the Lion King, so I'll do that. And John said to me, it sounds like they've never actually, that someone's told them about Hakuna Matata

rather than they've actually heard it. He also said to me in a very actor way, they're saving themselves, these lot. They're saving themselves. And the reason he said that was that one of the first things the woman said to me was, we must start now. And I said, God, a woman hasn't said that to me in that accent for years.

And I said, no, there's only four children here. She said, no, but we have a rehearsal with Britain's Got Talent. And one of them was me without heels. Sorry, Frank. She said, we have a rehearsal with Britain's Got Talent. Yeah. Oh. So I thought, well, obviously they're putting a second, but they're going to be amazing.

I don't know how they got on. But, no, I mean, I don't know how on earth they got on. But, so they, how can I put it? They had a matinee feel to them. Right. They felt, yes. Saving some energy for the late show. And they also kindly offered to supply the goodie bags.

I would say they redefined the whole concept of the goodie bag. They were quite minimalist. You know when you watch a cop drama and they have that bag that's things from the crime scene. Oh yeah. It was like that.

A forensic bag. Just with a bit of fingernail and a sample of some blood from the clothing it was like that well that's not true there was a lovely 24-page photocopied booklet about how you could hire them oh yeah there was yeah there was their brochure was in there for sure yeah but um other than that goody was not the word was he baddie a brown bouncing ball i don't know you could buy brown bouncing balls what worried me is they had 14 rabbits in the van it was um but you know the kids didn't seem to notice,

and that's the great thing about kids. And that's also, of course, what children's entertainers so often rely on. You did take it very seriously. At one point, you were wandering around so stressed, and you came over to me and went, they're just not playing to their audience. No. I know, but, Frank, it wasn't a corporate.

I mean, they were four-year-olds. It was... It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. But Frank, it wasn't a corporate. I mean, they were four-year-olds. It was... It's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. And if they're listening, thank you so much. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So anyway, I continued the week by taking my son away. And we did lots of activities. I have to say, the party was a success, amazingly.

That's not the spin you've given it so far. No, because from where I sat, I could see there were many terrible things. Well, there was one terrible thing. Well, there were two. You didn't have a go at them because you felt sorry for them. Well, I was going over to have a what the hell was that? And then the woman was so apologetic, I slightly crumbled.

She apologised? Yeah. Really? She said, I've never done it for this many children before. I was very nervous. She said, I think there were some good moments. Oh, wow. And I said, I think I missed those.

Oh, wow. And then she looked pained, and then I thought, I can't continue. I can't handle. So I said, look, it's fine. They got their eight quid each, yeah? So, um... Yeah, but Frank had a dilemma, Al, because he was torn between not thinking they were good enough

to continue performing, but also wanting to get his money's worth. Right. So complaining that they weren't doing the full hour, as he kept calling it. I booked them for an hour. They're not doing the full hour. I want more of this thing. I want more of this thing I don't like.

Is it a Groucho marx thing when he says the food's terrible here in such small portions yes yeah so it was like that i want my wanted my pound of flesh yeah absolutely also i didn't want a big argument scene at a children's party yeah and you know you should never bother me. Did you feel a slight performer's kinship of, hey, we've all had tough kids, guys? No, I felt a performer's kinship, thinking I would have done better than this if I'd have done it. Yeah.

I mean, some of your stuff is not for four-year-olds. No, but you know what? I would have modified it. I reckon I could knock up an Hakuna Matata. True. Anyway, it was done with. So then we went on, we did stuff. And I did something I hadn't done since I was about 15.

I rode, rode, rode a boat gently down the stream. Oh, nice. And... How was it? Tiring. Well, it was... I realised I'd learnt nothing from all those years on the disco floor. Oh, yeah?

Going ups, ups. I'd learnt... I sort of thought that that might have given me just a general sense of rhythm. Yeah. Sort of a mini head start. Not transferable skills. I've always thought that it was the popularity of that song

that led to our years of rowing domination in the Olympics. No, I think it was something else. Do you? Yeah, yeah. You think that's Rolex? I think it was rowing. in the olympics no i think it's something else do you think that's rolex i think it was rowing yeah i think it was lack of available books to read or something no uh well yeah maybe um but i maybe is there a past time where people have to lean forward and then lean back again yeah but let's not talk about that now okay um so i um i thought know, I know, I've got that, I know what you do.

So the first thing I got on and someone said to me, excuse me, you're facing the wrong way. And I had that shouted at me before as well. And I said, am I? I said, isn't it, it's pointy bit first, isn't it? You didn't say that. Yeah. Another one of my catchphrases.

We've got to stop. We've got to stop doing this now. This is turning into absolute film. It did. So I ended up, this is how I was told to sit, in the middle of the boat. Sorry, was this just a well-wisher or someone responsible for the boat hire? Well, I was at a rather exclusive resort. Yes, I think I've been there as well.

In Oxfordshire. And so the rowing lake adjoins the swimming pool and a place where people sit outside and drink, I'm guessing, Bacardi and Coke. Right. They had that look to them. No one drinks that anymore, Frank. You know the Bacardi adverts were the beautiful people.

It was like that. And I arrived as if Jamie Vardy had arrived in a rowing boat. And they said, so I ended up, the pointy bit was behind me. So I was going backwards. Now, that's what this bloke, he like he'd he'd yachted so he probably knew yeah um but i the truth is i couldn't see where i was going no now barzit was sitting facing me remember he's four years old um he kept leaning across to try and see past me to see if there's any bikes coming every time he leaned the whole boat I mean I was

wearing a life jacket and so we'll see I wore a life jacket I mean this thing was next to the swimming pool bar area and I had a life jacket and it was about two feet deep that lake I was so frightened it was a bit deeper than that maybe four feet but I was terrified so and the other thing I've always had this

thing and maybe if there's any of our readers might know this, what's always worried me about a life jacket is what about when it takes its flotation moment, if you're facing downwards, would it then keep you facing downwards? No, it tips you onto your back. Are you absolutely sure?

Yeah. Well, I wasn't prepared to risk that. No, you don't want to test it. No, but, um, so I ended up going backwards, the pointy bit behind me, I couldn't see where I was going, and I had a series of incidents. Uh-oh.

We'll come to that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Um, we've had an email from Sarah, and it's entitled Children's Parties. So I thought, oh, Frank will probably want to know. Maybe it's some useful advice or some comradeship in the world of children's party throwing.

Hi, I'm unable to sympathise with you, Frank. Read Children's Parties. I have twins. The horror of organising their parties has scarred me for life. Still, on a brighter note, you've got this for at least ten years. Sarah. Oh, yeah. Cheery, isn't it? Well, at least she gets

all her eggs in one basket, as it were. That's true. That's not a gynecological statement. That's how she got twins, yeah. No, but I mean, you know the fancy dress. You know, they're going to be Jedward every year. Jedward? Not Batman and Robin? You went for Jedward?

No, he's got it. Batman and Robin don't look that similar. That would be weird. Batman and Robin were twins. Because wouldn't there have been quite a big row? But hold on, why do you get to be Batman? With the same age? And then there'd be a huge row,

and I was in therapy for the rest of my life, because I had to be Robin. I'm three minutes older than you. So what that makes you a bad man forget about it was that a big thing for boys then to be batman instead of robin i went to um a west brom away game at queens park rangers and there's a tradition that we all wore fancy dress at the last away game of the season oh please tell me you didn't go with Adrian Charles. And Adrian Charles I went with. And he said, let's go as Batman and Robin. I didn't even bother asking. I just

thought, okay, I'll get my Robin outfit ready. He wouldn't have considered for one second that I could have been Batman and he could have been Robin. Oh. Oh man. Yeah, it sounds quite awful. I had my fill of them.

I've been breaking news. Yeah. Chris Davis is on the Twitter, is very impressed, saying, I love that Frank knows all the nautical terms, the pointy end. Yes, but is there any more? Perhaps Chris. Chris Davis was that?

Correct. Chris Davis could maybe tell me if that's correct, that when you row, the pointy end is behind you and you go backwards. Is that how you're supposed to row? Oh. Yeah. Because it has... Why are there no wing mirrors on a rowing boat? Well, that's a good point. Because that's

exactly what I... I was desperate for a wing mirror. Well, just use your compact. That's what I do. Couldn't you just check your blind spot? I didn't have my compact. I don't powder anymore. It gets on my collar. Especially if you've got a coat with a fur attachment. Couldn't you just do an over-the-shoulder glance, like a motorcycler?

I was too frightened to do that. I thought if I did that the whole day, I'll be trapped underneath it. Remember that boat that was trapped at sea for about three days underneath his boat? I thought about that. You were in a lake in a private members' bar. I know, but... You could have waded out of. I don't know if I'd have that. You were in a lake in a private members bar. I know. That you could have weirded out of. I don't know if I'd have got help.

There's a bit where I got stuck next, I literally got stuck next to the outside swimming pool. Oh, that's not embarrassing. Who was in there? Melvin Brad doing laps? I mean, how embarrassing. It had six people in, three men, three women. There were six of the most beautiful people

I've ever seen in my life. Worst places to be stuck. But what is it about... How humiliating. What is it about the park were six of the most beautiful people i've ever seen in my life and it was places to be stuck but what is it about how humiliating what is it about the posh that even if they're just in their swimming costumes you recognize them as being posh before they've spoken it's just something about where they stand and they look look very long necked and very women yeah and their swimming costumes are made of that red corduroy that poor people can't buy. Well, I didn't.

So I was literally, I'd got myself trapped against the swimming pool outer edge. I can't bear this. It's like Natalie's the gamekeeper. And I couldn't work it out without our life jackets on. And these people go, uh, uh. And that got no help from them. They were literally too posh to push. So I was stuck there for probably about four minutes, and it just looked... I felt like I was some bloke who'd just come in

to have a closer look at these women in their scanties. But it was... Oh, I had to use the oar to push myself away. I couldn't get very good purchase. Do you think they thought that maybe you'd just come awry and you'd been on a canal in Birmingham and you'd just ended up there somehow? Maybe they did think that.

If they'd heard of Birmingham, they might have thought of that. Or they might have thought it was, you know, skin us about. Finally, Jeremy Beedle had been replaced. But, oh, dear, it was so difficult. But I genuinely would like to know if I was facing the right way. OK. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So when I finally got back to the sort of landing area, I couldn't work out how I could reach across and actually tie it to the, you know, moor it, as they say. It was very moorish. Yeah. I thought if I move across there, the whole thing's going to tip off. And obviously Boz couldn't help. So I called across.

There was a guy having a sort of a cocktail. Turned out to be Alan yentor and i said excuse me and he said yeah i said could you tie that i'm sorry but could you tie that rope he didn't yeah and he was he was okay about it and i said could you help my child to get out as well he's only four so he took his hand and got him out and then he looked at me and he said, do you want me to help you out as well? And I said, yes, I do. So he actually took my hand. I got up in my life jacket.

That's weird. And climbed on. You had a humiliating climb down whilst climbing up. Yeah, exactly. But if that man is listening, thank you so much. I like that you had the life jacket on. I know. I mean, Hank!

Oh, the anguish of it. But I tell you what I did do at that same place. When you check in, you're not in a hotel, you're in like a cabin on the ground. Oh, it's a cabin in the woods. It's lovely. One of the things that you get is

a bike each. Well, as you know, I'm lovely. Sounds really nice. And one of the things that you get is a bike each. Right. Well, as you know, I'm not a big cyclist. Although you can ride on two wheels, but it's the roads that put you off. About four years ago, I had a lesson. Right. So I thought, Kath kept saying to me, why don't you ever go on a bike? It was one of those gearless bikes.

Yeah. Like what the hipsters ride. Fixie. Was it a Fixie? Oh, it was pale green, and they looked lovely. But I was too frightened to go on it. And even Buzz was saying, why don't you go on it, Daddy? I said, no, no, I don't.

So he was on his with his stabilisers on. It's all right for some. Yeah. And eventually, on the last day, I decided to give it a go. So I got on my gearless bike. No helmet. What do I care? And I started. It was fantastic.

Oh, good. Really, I really, really enjoyed it. It was brilliant. Oh, that's nice. I know that's a slight late review. It is cycling. The bicycle. Did you stay upright then? I did stay upright, yeah, Oh, good boy.

Which at my age is not easy. But the great thing is I had a suit on. Oh, that's nice. And so I didn't feel I was part of those men that have to wear the lycra and look like they're ready to kill. You're a lycra, aren't you? Yeah. I was so happy and proud of myself.

And when I got back to the cabin, having done two circuits of the estate, Boz, my four-year-old son, applauded me. Oh, you'll do anything for applause. It's the best applause I've ever had in my life. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8.

Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner experience. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Hiya. Hiya. That's my new catchphrase. What do you think? I think it was originally used by Susie Walker. Married to Ian Walker. Married to Ian Walker, the Tottenham goalkeeper, who was one of the great champions of a hairstyle.

I believe it was known as curtains. Oh, I had curtains, yeah. She had a programme which Frank and I, I think, are the only human beings ever to have watched. Was it a programme or was it an insert? No, it was a programme called Hiya with Susie Walker. Yeah, Hiya with Susie Walker, and it began with... You can guess how it began.

Yeah, I can. God bless her. Where is she now? If you're listening, Susie, drop us a line, 8-12-15. Well, hang on... If only to say... Hiya! Hang on, we're still waiting for David Seaman to to drop us a line no word yet no well he's he's racked with guilt that's why he's busy he's busy with that dancer he's googling he's finally

googling jules remay before he texts i'd like to talk about tom hardy this week if uh if i may um he's been in the newspapers you he in Tube the Obscure? Thomas Hardy that was a late review it's never occurred to me that Tom Hardy is the same name as Thomas Hardy I like that you said he's been in the newspapers he has

I mean the actor idiotic eureka moment that was I mean the I would say bruiser tough guy actor is that a fair description? I think we talked about him last time when he was in Legend wasn't he? Playing both craves

One of your favourite films I haven't seen, but I did moot that it would have been quite easy to sign him up for that, I don't think the agent I don't think there was much haggle, because he would have loved playing both craves. I know, but it's quite clever to think we'll have the same. I still think he did it for equity.

I believe he's playing that. Oh, yeah. He's playing both Batman and Robin in the next film. He was in Batman, of course. Was he Bane? Is that what he was called? I don't watch those films, darling. He played a friend of the show, Charles Bronson.

He did. He did play Charles Bronson, the prisoner, rather than the actor. Anyway, the actor himself has said that he regularly replaces burner mobile phones, which are the cheap ones that you can buy that are sort of untraceable or less hackable. This is new to me. I've never heard of a burner mobile phone. The phrase burner would have been popularised by the television series

The Wire, Frank, which a lot of people would have watched on box set. But you are again, you're again the box set. Also am. It doesn't surprise me that Frank hasn't heard of burner mobiles considering you wear his life jacket in a rowing boat. Yeah, true. Well, those two can...

Well, I just think you're not on the... So you buy a mobile phone and keep it for how long? It doesn't say exactly, but I imagine about 15 minutes. Yeah. What? And then you get another. Yeah, I think he just constantly... No, that's contact lenses.

He says... Oh, is it my mistake? Can I tell you what he said? Yeah. He says it's the only way to prevent being hacked, and he said, we're burning numbers left, right and centre. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of upkeep.

Extraordinary thing to say. You see, this is how the Nazis, they're burning numbers left, right and centre. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of upkeep. Extraordinary things to say. You see, that's how the Nazis, they're burning books. What does he mean, he's burning numbers? So he changes his number a lot. He changes his number every single time. Oh, if you're his mate, you'd be constantly getting one of those, this is my new number. This is my new number, TH.

He probably doesn't even put Tom Hardy in case people don't read it. Or he might even put TH. H. Yeah, he might even put T. H. Yeah, he might. I was confused, Al, when he said... People would think it was him from Steps. In the world of mistaken identity, could you make a bigger error than getting Tom Hardy mixed up with H from Steps?

What's this? The guy who put H from Steps is playing both Chris? And Charles Bronson. That would be the worst casting of all time. Don't get me wrong, H from Steps is not a man without talent. I've heard him sing, and he sings like a bird. And I believe he pronounces it H from Steps as well. H, does he? He doesn't.

He can't. I don't believe that. Guess what he said, Thomas Hardy? He said, I don't touch iCloud. I've been advised not to by my security specialists. I'm with him on that. I'm with him on that. I try and avoid iCloud, and my mate mocks me

because we were once trying to get somewhere. What's he called? Mocks me? My mate mocks me, yeah. My mate took the Mickey. He took the Mickey old school because we were driving somewhere and I had my phone and he said oh just put it in google maps or something and I said I haven't

got the location thing I'm not doing that so I don't know where I am and he went you need to grow up now I've joined the location services thing but I don't say blimey like he's Kim Philby I mean it's not that. Can I just say, by the way,

on the subject of H, while we're on H for a second. Yeah, H. I interviewed Sarah Cox. Oh, yes. And Sarah Cox dropped... She was baptised Sarah Cox with an H on the end of the

Sarah. Oh, yeah. And she dropped it when she started modelling because it sounded a bit cooler to not have the H. And I said, you must have saved, over your lifetime, you must have saved quite a bit of time on autographs. Yeah. And I said, if we contacted H from Steps, found out how much time he'd spent on autographs,

you could work out exactly how much time you'd saved. I mean, it's a fabulous calculation. So if you're listening, I hate you. Drop us a line. Sorry, I dropped you. No, I was just going to say, I find it slightly extraordinary that he does have security specialists. Is that

unkind of me? Because he's in Peaky Blinders. And he's got security specialists. Is that necessary? I don't have... I'm very password one. Myself. I always think the one will fool them. They won't think to try that at the end. Oh, I see.

So I always have password one on everything. You really shouldn't be saying this on the radio. Why have you just told us that? Okay, I'll change it to password two. I'll never. I mean, they're never going to work that out, are they? No. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Tom Hardy on this. I think people are too liberal with their security. They just sort of flop about through life and they don't think. I've got a little thing that I do that I am... I'll share this with you guys. Top tip here.

When I stay in a hotel, which is quite often, I fairly frequently put my trainers right behind the door so that if an intruder comes in, they trip up over them. Or get caught. You know, their shoes get caught. You know, like, when you come back and, like, the kids have left their wellies right behind the door.

You can't get the door out. You can't get the door out. Like, oh, God! Why don't you travel with a wedge? That's a good idea, actually. Yeah. I'll get you a wedge. Oh, thanks very much.

I saw you one off. Thanks. I could make you one at home. Thanks. I don't know. It's the extra luggage that puts me off. Oh, I'll make one from a balsa. Oh, thanks very much. I saw you one off. Thanks. I could make you one at home. Thanks. I don't know. It's the extra luggage that puts me off. Oh, I'll make one for a balsa. Oh, okay.

That's fair enough. Do you genuinely put those trainers up against the door? I do, yeah, because I think... Sort of gangland style-y. I think it makes an intruder less scary if you think that they become like an angry dad. Like, as they walk through, go, Who's left their shoes behind this door? That's not as terrifying as...

Why don't you just sleep by the door? On the floor? Isn't that scarier? Well, that would wake you up. Wouldn't it get to be quicker? That would wake you up, they'd fall over, they wouldn't be able to open the door. You're hitting so many...

Yeah. ...bottoms with that one. That's a good point. Never thought of that. Anyway. Or I could sleep on the other side of the bed and make, like, a fake Alan out of cushions in the bed. Alan!

Alan! Yeah. And then there's a bang on. It turns out it's just Mox Me. If you fancy a beer at the bar. Mox Me! Mox Me! Legend!

I'm also concerned about Tom Hardy's security specialists slash analysts. Right. Because presumably he pays quite substantial sums to these characters. And the advice they've come up with is throw away your phone, which doesn't seem terribly sophisticated. I could have worked that out.

Well, I mean, I... What I've seen of Tom Hardy's work is very fine. But I... I don't know, I... Has he got something to hide, Tom Hardy? Because I don't think I have anything I'd be that bothered. I mean, you say Tom Hardy, I say Tom Heidi. Let's call the whole thing off No I can't

leave any information which I'm that bothered about getting out there I mean obviously I don't want someone to steal my identity It would be a bit awkward when they turn up here on a Saturday morning I think we'd be onto them in a flash though. Not if it was Stephen Tomkinson No true Or Graham Norton I think we'd be onto them in a flash, though. What if it was Stephen Tompkins, then?

No, it's true. Or Graham Norton. No, well, if somebody bought £11,000 worth of jewellery in Fiji with my credit card number, I remember. Yeah? Yeah. Just mentioning that. It's gone a bit tense. I'm over it.

Jewellery? Yeah. Oh. It wasn gone a bit tense. I'm over it. Yeah. Jolly. Yeah. Oh. It wasn't me. Lovely phone. All right, Shaggy. Yeah.

So I wouldn't want that, but I can't think of anything in my private life that's that. Salacious. Well, most of it I talk about on the internet. But I don't know, you know. Has he got kids and stuff he's got a child I think he was concerned about his parents having like their phone calls listened to and stuff there's collateral damage of fame isn't there I guess I have to say I um what I see a lot now in crimes

and stuff is that they the police tell you what they've googled recently and uh i thought be a bit so i went i had to look through my google history to see what i'd be embarrassed about oh yeah and two weeks ago i listened to on youtube i i watched the video for the passengers by elton john oh that's embarrassing you know that one yeah Why? Yeah. Why did you listen? How does he go? Deny the passenger who want to get on. Who want to get on.

Want to get on. He want to get on. Yeah, and I don't know if I'd want that in the papers. But there you are, I've said it on here. I wouldn't want it in the studio when it's happened. Deny the passenger. Deny the passenger. You see, I thought it was another, you never tell without them.

Certainly not tell with you two. Yeah. You never tell without them. Certainly not tell with you two. You do it. Yeah. So, apart from everything else, was things like Patrick Troughton marriage. That's so depressing.

You have a look at your Google history. It's much duller than you expect. Not in my case. You say Tom Hardy, I say Tom. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. During that song, I popped down to reception

and signed a delivery for £11,000 worth of jewellery from Fiji for Frank. It's been a long time coming, I must say. thousand pounds worth of jewellery from Fiji for Frank. It's been a long time of coming, I must say. Has that actually happened? Have you got security measures in place? You're not really using password one and stuff like that, are you? Tell me you're not.

I'm going to say no, I'm not. That's perfect, yeah. Thanks, we rehearsed that to put them off the send. I think I'll be all right. I do do that thing. I did it recently. I had to write something in public.

And I was basically just writing down an idea I had for something, a sort of comedy idea. And I was on the train. You know, we have that... Oh, I like that I was on the train. You know, we have that... Oh, I like that you were on the train. Yeah, thanks. And, you know, when you sit with three people around you, and I actually did that thing of leaning on,

putting my head on my arm, like you used to at school. Oh, yeah. So people couldn't copy. Oh, yeah. I'm so paranoid for that. It's right to be paranoid. How many people have said to him, I'm having that? Exactly. Pretty much every comic idea. Oh, that's true's true well i was sitting next to joe pasquale

it works well you don't need um security advice just get your arm right across yeah your arm across yeah i didn't like people that did that at school i don't know i mean i love you obviously with all my heart't like people that did that at school. I love you, obviously, with all my heart, but, you know. Well, that suggested to me that maybe you were thinking of doing a bit of copying. That's all I'm saying. Maybe. Copying.

Yeah. I don't, I find, you know, when you go to put the PIN number in the handset in a restaurant, I like when you get those waiters who are so they're so sort of professional about it. They turn

away. Oh, I like the look of it. I mean, as if I was on botany mitrosis. I mean, absolutely, I don't get I don't want this in my life! They do have a sort of... I don't want to get that pin number away from me! I mean, they recoil get that pin number away from me! I mean, they recoil, that's the word.

It is like you're performing a lewd act. It's like people are getting changed at Wimbledon, you know, when the ball boys and girls hold a towel up and look away like that. Oh, I never look away. Well, when I do Frank Skinner On Demand, the popular chat show on BBC iPlayer... Well, hang on, we'll be the judge of that. You can't say that about your own thing. say it's popular i like it um i have to get dressed in situ as it were do you and um i'm getting a lot of

weird rule there's quite a lot of female staff right and uh i get a lot of those look me right in the eyes while i'm taking i think they they're alright with the trousers when the shirt comes off they're slightly appalled but they, do that look like you know the breastfeeding look that you do when you look straight into someone's eyes nothing, nothing would move your eyes if a ninja suddenly leapt, you wouldn't look

I get a lot of that I'll tell you what I would like to know, if there's any of our readers here who know about this sort of thing you know when you put your pin number into a thing and it goes you know it does it does you get a little note yeah oh yeah if i learned what note um belong to which number would i by hearing be able to hear what their pin number was? Oh, I love that question. Could please... I absolutely love that question, Frank.

We're on 8-12-15, or as I call it... Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some texts, Frank. Good. Well, we've had a tweet from Justin Walker, who says, referring Al to, you know, you were talking about leaving your trainers at the door.

Justin Walker, hiya. Hiya. To foil any potential intruders. I think it's a good technique. Well, Justin agrees. I'm with Alan on this. Also, I also do the trainers slash door thing in hotels. Wow.

And then he's done an emoji of a little monkey covering his eyes oh which i think expresses i do it but i'm slightly ashamed of it oh well that's see no evil daisy's a youth correspondent and she nodded okay i see the frank skinner show listen live every saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, the train, specifically trainers, there's a suggestion that the tread on a trainer will get better purchase on the carpet. I think it's just what these people wear. I just put whatever shoes are to hand.

Who's going out into the world in sportswear? It's absolutely outrageous. See, my leather-sol sole shoes will just slide along the carpet. Athletic men like me and Justin Walker. Yeah, okay. Hiya. We've also had a text actually. Can I just say,

do you remember the one about people... Is this a joke? No, no, people used to take a hair... Oh, yeah. And put it in their diary or something like that. Oh, yeah. And so if anyone had opened it, the hair would fall off. Oh, I wish I'd known that one. That was in the spy book that I learnt to tiptoe from when I was a young man.

Oh, when you got your tiptoeing technique. Yeah, you got to tiptoe on the edge of the stairs. Oh, wow, cos I had Osborne Book of Ghosts. Oh. And similar things to catching ghosts. There was something where you would put... When I say catching, I don'ts and similar things to Catching Ghosts. There was something where you would put, when I say catching, I don't know what you were meant to do with them

once you apprehended them, but you would have to put talcum powder everywhere and then you'd see their footprints. Wow. But when you get them, I mean, who are you going to call? Good question. And what clothes are they wearing, Frank? This has been my constant bug there.

How do their clothes come back from the den? So there's a lot of naked spirits walking about. You think, actually, perhaps I wouldn't mind seeing one. Yeah? You know, if they're a bit of all right. Yeah? They're all right. Ghost lost.

Good point. Ghost losters, it could be called. You can make a program. Oh, ghost losters. They've got a bloke who goes around throwing talcum powder over female ghosts just to say, whoa, it could be cool. You could make a program. Oh, ghost lusters! You've got to blow a cacos around, throw in talcum powder over female ghosts just to say, whoa, she's alright. You have

so many ideas for television shows on here. Yep. Ghost lusters. Almost like your heart's not in radio that you have that many ideas. Don't take that back. We've got an email. Dear Miss Emily, Mr Frank. Just sign me a contract, for goodness sake. It's the worst possible time to say that. Don't say that to everyone on the air.

It's all right. OK. Security breach. Another one. Dear Miss Emily, Mr Frank and Mr Alan, please, please, please, all caps, please, please, please, stop saying PIN number. It's PIN, which stands for Personal Identification Number.

PIN. What you are saying is Personal Identification Number Number. Stop it. Oh. Can I explain? is personal identification number number. Stop it. Can I explain? It's quite echoey, this studio. And we are just actually saying pin. But then the echo, the N is echoing.

Actually forming the word number. As often an echo, you find will sort of develop an abbreviation into the actual word. I don't know if you've ever tried that in a tunnel or in some sort of large chasm. Agreed. No, but this person sounds like, if I may be so bold, a bit of a git. And I like that.

Oh, God, well, you know, I built my life on that. But, yeah, it's a good point, I think. Yeah. I'll never, ever say pin number again. Oh. You say, you just watch me. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, we've had some pin news. Ah, yes. Pin number news. Oh. Sorry, everyone.

Sorry about that, Frank. That's all right. Oh, you could hear a pin drop from there. Team Frank, one, four, and seven all have the same tone, as do two, five, eight and three, six, nine. Ah.

Presumably to help people who can't see buttons, like Roger Moore or the elderly perhaps. Cinderella. Whilst avoiding the security pitfall you fear. Do you understand? Yes, I do. So 147 is interesting. I'll bet you Willie Thorne advised the security services on that, the master of the 147 brain.

But there's still... So you can narrow it down to one of three. So there's two tones. What about zero? Two tones? Too much, too young! Too much, too young. I just think, you know, you hear about criminals,

they always say about criminals that you'd expect them to be, you know, you get the occasional burglar who gets stuck in a window story. But often criminals, you always feel that if they use their obviously sharp minds in the legit world they could do well in that as well so you think it wouldn't take there wouldn't be a shortage of criminals clever enough to just learn those learn the tunes yes so you could stand next to someone and go, and think, I've got that. But what you're saying is he can narrow it down to three, and then once you get four numbers, it's probably one of those... You know those mathematics things where you think,

well, that's going to be 20 to 1, it's 48 million. Yeah. I mean, if you were the sort of, you know, the man behind, I can't remember his name now, A Beautiful Mind, you might be able to do those sort of calculations. No, he's an actor. Oh. Who was the man he played? John Cunningham. I'm going gonna need to re-watch that film oh yes whole different we know who we mean what i mean is if you were some sort of whiz kid mathematician who knows yeah yeah i mean it would be better

than having a number system for las vegas from a money point of view probably not sure it would you don't think so? Well, it depends on... Well, that's this week's text. What would be better? It's a strange thing to fall out over. Here's someone... I heard a better one this week, things to fall out.

What was it? Two people at a wedding I was at, and this actually got a bit unpleasant. I mean, properly, like a bit physical. Oh, hang on, I'm just going to settle down by the fireside. So it's not, I'm not making light of it, but what happened, the way that the

row and the scoffle started was two men had an argument about whether Chicago house music had entered British culture via Manchester or London. That is a good row. And they got so aerated that it actually came to... Came to fisticuffs.

To wedding, yeah. After I'd restrained myself with the entertainers at my son's wedding. Yeah, that's surprising. Who'd have thought that could have happened? But, I mean, that's a bit of a unique one. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 8-12-15, please. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, if you will, and email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you overmind to, as they say in the West Midlands. Now, I'm getting a little obsession at the moment. Oh, yes. And that is with... Are you familiar with the work of Zlatan Ibrahimović?

Oh, God, yes. Very. Why are you delving into a plastic bag like a pensioner? Sorry, I'm all ears. OK. It doesn't seem like you've got your focus on uh i'm listening no but you look like someone getting out of 10 by 8 of perkins outside absolute radio for a signature sounded a bit knocky then do you want me to tell you the last thing you said that's what i

always do when i'm accused of not listening anyway i am quite obsessed by him because he's something of a colourful character, isn't he? Oh, he is. Can I say Zlatan Ibrahimovic, he is a fantastic footballer. Yes. That's true. After that, things get more complicated. He's won a trophy every season he's played since 2001. Yeah, but is he in the Radio Hall of Fame?

No. No, I don't think so. Okay. So he's in the news a bit here because he might sign for Man United, is that correct? Well, there's a rumour. I think it's because

Manchester City's... I know a lot of our people don't like football because they're bookish types on gearless bikes. But just quickly, Man City have recently, Manchester City have recently signed a man called Pep Guardiola as a famous manager.

Manchester United, obviously their arch rivals, have signed Jose Mourinho. And they hate each other. I could do 20 minutes on their clothing choices. They hate each other of old. And one way to wind up Pep Guardiola is to sign Zlatan ibrahimovic because those two have also had a massive massive falling out in the past so i think it might be like if you um

live next door to johnny depp and you hired amber heard as your pa it's just yeah i think because he's 34, Zlatan, you can't be brilliant forever. Thanks very much. I know there'll be people thinking, listening to this, think, well... But, Frank, what I love is that he refers to himself constantly in the third person, doesn't he? Oh, he does, yeah. He said in a post-match interview, I started watching and then I became obsessed. Because he says, well, you're no Zlatan. Yeah, but to be fair to him, his book is called I Am Zlatan.

It's not, he is Zlatan. Yeah, but to be fair to him, his book is called I Am Zlatan. It's not, he is Zlatan. To be fair to you, we're talking about football and you've used the phrase to be fair. Yeah. Which I congratulate you on. At the end of the day. Yeah. May I heartily recommend the book I Am Zlatan

to anybody who might have any kind of low self-confidence problems because it is like a holiday in a monstrously big ego and you can't help but think, I've been doing myself down a little bit. I should be more confident because it is just amazing. Is it brilliant? It's brilliant, yeah. It's a great book.

What's the best, is that the best autobiography you've ever read? It's up there. I mean, I think it's got a laugh out loud in most chapters. Well, you know mine, Frank. I've mentioned it before on this show. Don't tell Kathy and both of them. Oh, yeah, but you don't honestly. It's one of the best ones ever.

Can I tell you what I genuinely love? And this is a surprising choice, and I'm not being ironic or trying to be funny. I Owe You Nothing by Matt Goss. Really? It's brilliant. Yes, it's brilliant, because it's all about how they were ripped off. Your manager here, I noticed, his little ears are pricked up. Because what happened, John, is they weren't told the difference between net and gross.

So just so you know, Frank, something to look at. Well, my book's already with the publishers. What's your, oh, and obviously I love your book. That and that goss. Big fan of your books. What's your favourite? Tom Baker's autobiography. Is that good? People love that. Absolutely amazingobiography People love that

I'm guessing what we've got here Is three autobiographies Even if you don't have any interest in that area Some people tell a great life story So I think that's it Try them Tom Baker's is absolutely marvellous I'm not quite sure you can still get I Owe You Nothing

By Matt and Luke Goss This is the age of eBay. It's worth a read. I owe you nothing. That's the name I use in hotels when I check in under a false name. Mr. I owe you nothing. I think that would be spotted. What about Zlatan's 14 tattoos?

He's got a lot of ink. Two playing cards, red dragon, grey koi fish, feather. What's that all about? Going through them all. Buddhist monk, and only God can judge me. Yeah. It's a bit basic, isn't it? I've got to disagree on that.

I once saw somebody who had only God can judge me on her tummy whilst she was shouting at her kids and smoking, and I thought, wrong. Yeah, what about if he ever does Britain's Got Talent? Demonstrably untrue. The rise, I think, in multiple tattoos, the rise in that popularity coincides directly with the fall in popularity of the Roth book.

That's where we used to do all our doodles and signs and stuff. And now people just do them on their backs. Fools. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Little snapshot into the self confidence of Zlatan. He was asked what he was getting his partner for her birthday.

He shrugged and replied, nothing, she already has Zlatan. Thank you, Les. That's what you said to Kath. That didn't go so well. Yeah. Probably readers out there. She didn't know that I knew she was having an affair with Zlatan.

Oh, imagine if she was having an affair with Zlatan. Yeah, I think I'd probably leave it. You know what, I think... I probably leave it. You know what I think? I think he'd... I'm not going to mention him about it. You don't even know, when you saw her name suddenly appear on his arm after a match.

Hold on a minute. I think, though, he'd just committed that quite typical error of he'd forgotten his wife's birthday and then someone asked him and he thought, I'm going to face this out. I'm going as big as possible. Nothing. She's already got Zlatan.

No, but that thing about the birthdays, a lot of the tattoos he's got is his family's birth dates. That's right. Oh, so he can remember them, like prison break. No, but when you get the phone call saying, where's my card? You've got nowhere to go, if you're happy with that. He, um, Frank, in I Am Zlatan, he tells us one of those, you know, he had quite a deprived childhood. But the story he chooses to tell, I didn't feel was the best example. Because it was one of those, we were so poor.

And it was, we were so poor, my father and I had to carry a bed from Ikea. It's not that poor. I mean, they were in Ikea. They were buying a bed. They've gone into Ikea. They looked up. They bought the bed. Bear in mind, he's Swedish as well. So they sort of live in Ikea, they were buying a bed. Yeah. They've gone into Ikea, they've looked up, they've bought the bed. Bear in mind, he's Swedish as well, so they sort of live in Ikea.

I mean, it's not Dickensian deprivation. No, you're quite right. My favourite We Were So Poor was the Milton Berle one. We Were So Poor, we thought knives and forks were jewellery. 11 grand's worth, I heard. Oh, yes, indeed. Yeah. I've got, down my left forearm, I've got password one.

Oh, yeah. Just in case I forget it. Yeah. No, I don't have any. Do you, you guys don't have tattoos? We have done tattoos, yeah. Have we? I have one.

Oh, you have got one? Oh, good. I remember now. Yeah. I did talk tattoos. I do remember now. But I haven't got as many as Zlatan. And I haven't got anything like his.

Katie Potrick on your forearm. That's right, yeah, yeah. It's an odd one, but, you know, big fan. And I've got Nick Knowles on my clavicle. Not for the first time. I can't think of anything that I'm so confident will be in my life forever that I would commit it to ink. Well, what do you love?

I know, but you never know if you're going to love something forever, do you? Yeah, that's true. I mean, probably, you know, the most important thing in the universe to me is my four-year-old son. If I have his name put on my hand and then he becomes a serial killer, I'm going to look pretty stupid. Oh, think on the bright side. Well, I'm just, you know... You should aim higher as a parent as well. Well, I'm just to look pretty stupid. Oh, think on the bright side. Well, I'm just, you know...

I think you should aim higher as a parent as well. Well, I'm just saying a tattoo, you know, a tattoo is not just for Christmas. Oh, true. Just remember that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing...

I'll tell you what happened. Sarah, who was the assistant producer on this show, who is 23... She was a centennial. ..said she had never heard of a Roth book. Yeah. So I presume, I know in our regular theme of Do You Still Get, I presume that Roth books...

Roth books used to be a thing where you wrote your sort of work that you didn't want it to be seen by teachers. Oh, is that what it is? Your preparation. And you wrote things like Emily for Barnaby. Uh-huh. Yeah. For example. It wasn't a terrible log of physical encounters. When she said she'd never seen a rough book,

I just lent a Bravo 2 Zero by Andy McNabb. It's a rough book, isn't it? It is a rough book. I loved a rough book. It was good. I still sort of use a rough book, isn't it? It is a rough book. I loved a rough book. It was good. I still sort of use a rough book. I have notebooks that I use for that very thing. Yeah, yeah. That's lovely. Sort of my initial thoughts.

Always covers up his notes, though. He's writing with his hand over. By the way, speaking of rough books, I've received what looks like a page from a rough book from someone called Esma today, who sent me, well she sent me some pork scratchings amongst other things. Result?

And a mug. Well, I'm genuinely pleased about it. They're the new superfood. It was only me and you in the room that seemed like that's a good thing. I was honestly told that they were a superfood because they're pure, they're protein. They are not a superfood because they're pure protein.

They are not a superfood. They're pure protein. Protein and fat. They must be protein and fat. They are not out. They are not in any of those eat clean books. It's good fat, though. Chapter five, pork scratchings.

It's good fat. Pig fat is good fat. It's not good fat. It is. It's great fat. Anything that you buy from behind a pub bar is not good fat. I'm going to acknowledge that. What about nuts?

What about them? They're good fat. Basically everything except the peanut is pretty good, yeah. Okay. Well, we've had a text. Also, you get to see that woman in the bikini if you buy enough packets. Exactly. I mean, let's look at it.

Anyway, Esme, thanks very much for sending me some superfood and a Doctor Who book and a mug with the Black Country. We had a lot of pork scratchings. We had a pork scratching text this morning. Did we? Did we? Good morning, Frank. Talking of pigs, have you ever done the pork scratching tour at the KV factory in Tipton?

I never have. We did it as kids in the 1980s and I can't read the rest of that now Because this has gone mad Because they collapsed from salt Over salt Yeah, it's from Fresh Love I acknowledge that there's a lot of salt

Here we go, it's back now We did it as kids in the 80s Well, I say to all We used to go through the skip outside And get reject bags out And sell them in the pub in Owen Street Phil J That sounds good

That is entrepreneurial, I think On the subject of women in bikinis We've had an email Owen Street, Phil J. That sounds good. That is entrepreneurial, I think. On the subject of women in bikinis, we've had an email. You heard. We've had an email from a lady who must have been listening a few weeks back saying swimming dates a few weeks back. Oh, yes.

Do you remember we discussed the benefits of an early date going swimming? No, I don't want to talk about this because you two disgusted me. Emily got furious. You were horrified. The email begins, thought this will interest or, because you two disgusted me. Emily got furious. The email begins, thought this will interest or horrify you if you're Emily,

had a third date with a man last week, which ended up in my hot tub. Nothing sleazy, and as a woman... Well, nothing sleazy, hot tub. Nothing sleazy, and as a woman in her late 40s, I'm not without the jiggle, to be honest. He's younger and... What does that mean?

I don't know. He's younger and a lot firmer. Sounds like an underground magazine. He's younger and a lot fitter. It's in the jiggle this week. I don't know if they get away with it. Read firmer. Not an issue, and I'm meeting his kids tomorrow.

All went rather well, I think. Oh, I'm glad to hear that. It's not a downer. Like, an early swimming date can be... But if she'd seen any unsightly scar, she wouldn't be meeting his kids this week. You know, you've got to find out early. Oh, you two are disgusting.

I'm not. You are. Because it's a two-way street. No, it's not, because women don't judge men in that way. Get out of here. It's true. She said he's younger and a lot fitter, so she's judged him in some way. I once sat with a woman at Warwick University, and I was, although I say it as shouldn't, being not only fascinating, but highly amusing.

And I realised she was looking over my shoulder as I spoke, and I looked round, and there was a man with no shirt on digging a hole. Yes. And he had a fantastic physique, and I thought, that's what we have to accept. They say... Well Well that's fine. They say they get laughed into bed but the truth is it's muscles they're after. It's not. You see more ugly

men with pretty women. Hi Kath. Yes you do see that. She's listening at home. It's not true I think you're very attractive. Do you see many true ugly men? Discuss. Absolute. Absolute. So, Frank, you've been talking about rough books. Oh, yeah.

415 has texted us. In my rough book, I had copied a sick note from my mother for future use. My teacher found it, and needless to say, I wasn't off sick for the rest of that year. Like Becky. But you don't write a sick note on your rough book page. You're asking for trouble. No, you can't do that. Well, she learned that lesson, didn't she, Becky? She did. Indeed. Maybe she thought it was a feeling rough book.

Oh, yes. Feeling rough. Oh, by excellent work.ura ferguson has tweeted us laura ferguson about 10 minutes to get it laura ferguson from the three degrees i'm off to a wild west fair and food festival today fancy trying out your everyday cowboy outfit i think she's asking about on a date i don't know if you'll have to be naked no but the point is that wouldn't be an everyday cowboy outfit because that would be going to an event that's wild west theme my thing is my thing is you know maybe i've got an interview with simon

mayo and i turned up as a ranch hand for no reason at all that's that is that's the liberated liberation of fancy dress that I'm trying to achieve. I'm thinking now, what about if I had an Absolute Radio tattoo with the Absolute Radio logo? That would be, yeah, I mean, that would be interesting. I'm not saying I'll love it forever, but it's an important part of my life. Don't let us stop you, that would be my... But where will I put the purple pointy bit?

That's the eternal question, Frank. Yeah, I'll just move it to one side. It'll be fine. Oh, God! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating Out I believe we were considering sashaying towards the email corner, which we haven't done for a while, have we?

Mm-hm. Good that, innit? Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, my grandma used to sing Green Teeth. I don't know the tune for Green Sleeves. What? It says to the tune of Green Sleeves. You don't know the tune for Green Sleeves? I don't. I of Green Sleeves. You don't know the tune for Green Sleeves?

I don't. I can't remember it. That's my bae. Go on, give us it. Henry VIII. Oh, yeah. Give us the tune. Green Sleeves. Thanks.

So what did she sing? She used to sing Green Teeth. Green Teeth in your horrible mouth. That's the trouble, we're not living down south. We don't have a toothbrush in our street. And the only one we had to be used for doing the Alsatian's feet. Very good. My grandma used to sing Green Teeth, Green Teeth

to the tune of Greensleeves when we were kids and hadn't brushed our teeth in the morning. And she would go on singing it until we gave in and brushed them. She would also sing The Mother's Lament, which I also do not know, but I'll bet you do. No, I don't know The Mother's Lament. Your baby has gone down the plug hole. Is that what it is?

Well, that's what she sung. I thought that was My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. Oh, yeah, you're right. She would sing The Mother's lament whilst bathing us and then delight in pulling the plug out whilst singing the chorus Your Baby Has Gone Down the Plug Hole, Your Baby Has Gone Down the Plug. The poor little thing was so skinny and thin it should have been washed in a jug. Lovely woman apart from that.

That's what it says. And that's from Dale. I like the sound of that, Grandma. I do. My dad used to sing a thing called Ike McGlight McGlegging. What was that? Well, it basically went Ike McGlight McGlegging, Ike McGlight McGlegging. And then it went, I took him to school and he stood like a fool and wet right down his legging.

Oh, God. They were simpler times. They were. We didn't know, you see. Tony Adams. Didn't know the damage that was being done. My grandmother used to sing Hey Big Spender, but that's another story. Was your grandmother Shirley Bassey?

Good song. That would be a great revelation. We had a bloke live next door called Ernie Weston, and the only song he ever sang was, I've never heard it in any other context, but you'd hear him get up in the morning and you'd hear him in the yard and it used to go, Little Georgie Washington never told a lie.

Little Georgie Washington never told a lie. Little Georgie Washington never told a lie. Little Georgie Washington. And that was all, that was it. Over and over and over. And that's where I think I've got my interest in American history from. You think so? Yeah. He should've got my interest in American history from. You think so? Yeah.

He should have got some writers in for that. I used to know people in those days who just, they had one song that they sing that you associated them with. Yeah. People sang more, see? We didn't have the Wartmans. That's true. Is it Wartmans or Wartmen?

What's the plural for a Sony Wartman? I don't know, darling. No one's used it. At 12.15. Sony Discman, Sony Discmen. Sony Walkman, Sony Walkmen. You decide. Now, we've got another email.

Have we got time for this email? There's always time. Hi, y'all. Susie. Just catching up on the podcast and listening to you suggest a brown envelope as a cup of tea colour. Yes, that's what I do. If someone says, you want a cup of tea? I say, yes, brown envelope, please. And then they know what colour

to go for. Very good. Wouldn't you say, Sarah? Very good. Although in the modern world... I thought you were requesting payment from Absolute Radio. In the modern world, people probably think it's some kind of special tea that you're after. No, brown envelope tea for me. Well, Sam says, I think I've got another alternative to this. How about

using biscuit colours as a description? E.g. rich tea, hobnob and ginger nut. Ah. I like it. So if you didn't have milk, it'd be a bourbon. Yes. And also you could actually use two biscuits. You could say somewhere between nice and ginger nut, please.

Oh, I like that. Nice biscuit. I think they are called nice. I, I like that. You know, a nice biscuit. Oh, I think they are called nice. I think it's a myth that they come from nice. I'd go... That's some rubbish. Maryland chocolate chip cookie, hold the chocolate chip. Ah.

I like the colour of the biscuit, but not the chip. There's a moment when every cup of tea is an Oreo. Yes. Oh, yeah, Frank. Yes! Yeah. I drink a strawberry fruit tea, but I'm unusual in that I put milk in it, so I just say, I'll have a Jolly Dodger, please.

Oh, that's a good one. What about, but the trouble is, if you say, oh, I'd love a nice cup of tea, people are going to think we want a really milky one, so it looks like, that's the trouble. I go for Farr and Ball paint colours, Mole's Breath. Mm, I'll have a cup of tea, O far and ball paint colours. Mole's breath. Mm. I'll have a cup of tea. Ode-a-nil. Yeah.

Lovely thing. Yeah. Eggshell. What about... Do you remember the old joke about the bloke who goes to the barbers and said, I'd like my haircut like James Dean? Mm. And the bloke completely shaves his head.

Totally. And he says, what have you done? Don't you know James Dean is what he looks like? And the bloke says, yeah, of course I do. I've seen him 15 times in The King and I. It's a Yul Brynner joke, which I admit is not very topical, but my point is that people might think they know what a biscuit is, but there could be confusion.

Are you with me? Meanwhile, 091 says Frank what's a Sony Walkman? So one of our centennials listening there over in Telford. Yeah I'll tell you something a Sony Walkman was the soundtrack to my life for so many years.

But I was in Hereford. I thought it was the gramophone. I was in Hereford the other night and I went to the pedestrianised town centre at about 10 o'clock at night and I saw three youths sitting around a ghetto blaster brilliant old school this is 2016

old school were they breakdancing? no they were slouching they were traditionalists I didn't even know you could still get them They were slouching. Oh. The traditionalists. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I didn't even know you could still get them.

I thought they'd all, like, have one, say, tiny iPod thing, and then they'd have some sort of tri-ear plug. Like a Bluetooth thing. Yeah, so they were all joined to it, you know. I think it's a trendy thing. It's like a retro, back in fashion. Yeah. You've been terrified. Yeah.

Absolute. Absol's like a retro. Do you think so? Back in fashion, yeah. Have you been terrified? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just wanted to... I just wanted to hark back to that email that we just discussed about drinking tea

that's coloured like rich tea, hobnob, ginger nut, etc. It's from Sam, this email, and he says, reader number 1251, he adds, PS, my dad has recorded the dates he changed the battery in his radio since 1985. Oh, I love him. I would like to see that ledger book

I'd love to see that ledger Frank It's a rough book We should say to new readers that we've been discussing what people keep a record of Didn't we get an email that somebody I had a man in the audience remember who kept a log of every film he'd seen at the cinema That's right When he saw it, what time of night We've also had people record the dates that's right when he saw it what what time of night we've also had

people record the dates that ants start flying each year yes well flying ant day i get an alert every year about that i am quite i think we missed it this year i do find that exciting i must admit it's very exciting my dad when he took the batteries out of anything he used to put them in a box um keep them all but it wasn't box, it was sort of a tub. Because he always figured if you had two, three batteries, maybe they hadn't all gone. Right. And one day he was going to get around to testing them all individually

and see if there was any left with any life in them, but he never got around to that. I think we've discussed this previously, but I always loved the little cushion on the top of the battery. Oh, yeah. The black leather cushion. Yeah, yeah. What's that about? And certain gadgets. It's got a little Oh, that. The black leather cushion.

It's a bit, you're friends in the S&M community. It is. It's like a wired cushion that you fit onto the top of it. Yes. I mean, why? Why some machines? No, I do. I'd forgotten all about that. It's a lovely little springiness to it. Lovely action.

I think that was the forebear of the soft play centre. What, the black springy battery cushion? That's where it all began. That is good. I get jealous of people that actually write this down. The SBC. I think writing it down... Springy battery cushion.

Writing it down is impressive. Every time I fill my car up, I press the button on the dashboard that puts how far it's gone back to zero, so I know what a full tank gets, like 580 miles or 560. But I don't go to the trouble of writing it down because I haven't got that commitment that they've got. I admire them for it. When I take you out for one of my test drives,

you look forward to that. What about when I take Alan out in a Ferrari? If we ask our readers to send in their discarding SBCs, their springy battery covers, we could use it to line your martial arts studio so people don't get hurt if they're thrown up against the wall. What if people actually send them in? Or, Frank, we could record another little song

for the European Championships this year, because they're like egg boxes on the recording sheet. Yeah, or we could maybe make a sprung dance floor. We'd have to get a lot. Send them in. 429. Don't send them in. Don't send in your springy battery covers.

That was light-heartedness. Okay, Sarah Champion is coming up. And thank you so much for listening this morning. It's a really, really sad day, because one of the great men of all time has died, but this is a comedy show, and thank you for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. we'll be back again this time next week now get out