The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Roundels

Episode Date: November 22, 2014

Frank tells the team his thoughts on young people eating apples in public and asks 'why do you no longer see people pushing cars?' The team discuss the P-Cap and the Tardis, Emily at the Hunger Games Premier and Jamie Oliver's strange punishment method.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You cannot text the show this morning because this is a pre-record. Between you and me, don't tell anyone else, it's Tuesday. But just don't spread that about. It's, you know, as far as we're concerned, Saturday morning, you know. Oh, Saturday, the weekend.

But in fact... I love that you go Scottish over weekend. Frank. Oh, do you haven't finished yet? You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. They will be ignored. But do it and we'll read them later.

When you said they cannot text the show, you really mean don't, don't you? I mean, they can physically. They can text the show if they want to throw money up the wall. Don't phone it just for fun, as Chris Evans used to say. As we all know. Not to me personally, but he did say that. Don't phone it just for fun. Don't phone it's just for fun, as Chris Evans used to say. As we all know. Not to me personally, but he did say that. Don't phone it just for fun. Don't phone it's just for fun. Oh, if only Anton Deck

had said that, they'd have provided an enormous scandal. Indeed. So, um, here's a thing. What? I was on my way in this, uh, morning, and, um, it's much busier than usual, I oh yeah lighter yeah and um i tell you

what i saw i saw a young woman in the street attractive young woman eating an apple okay in the street yeah now there's no need for anyone um who's that well dressed to eat an apple in the street i know some people live on the street they can can, you know, they eat what they can get. But I felt, and I often feel this when I see young people eating an apple in particular, it's a kind of a, they think they're in a bit of an advert in their brains. They think, oh, this is...

It's so critical of people. This is probably a Burberry's advert. I can't get a Burberry because they don't grow it. Burberry? Seasonally, they're not available.berry because they don't grow up. Burberries? Seasonally, they're not available. Maybe she was hungry, Frank. No, not the way. She was just thinking, oh, I'm so young and good looking.

Look at me. Look how full of life I am. And look at this dripping down my chin, eh? So all that was going on. Pink lady, coxes or jazz? Well, I was in a speeding automobile. I say speeding. Moving.

We were actually stationary in traffic. But, um, I didn't, I don't own any apples well enough. Oh, I do. Pink Ladies are splendid. They're a good apple. Yeah, all over them. Is that what the ones in Greece were named after? They're named after the apples.

Greece as in the musical? Yeah, isn't that the pink lady? Oh, no, they hadn't been invented then, darling. What, apples? They hadn't been invented in the 50s? No, the pink lady apple. I don't think it'd be named then. Right, well, it was named after the women in Greece.

The recent invention of the apple is how we know that the Adam and Eve story is somewhat skew-iff. It's all about the anachronism. What we might have done is retrospectively, an unnamed fruit, we might have placed the Appalachian... Very good. The Appalachian apple on it.

Very good. Appalachian apple is, I believe, the full name of the daughter of Chris... Gwyneth Paltrow. Chris Martin. Yes, thanks for helping with the names. I'm not good at names at my age. I must say.

So what did you decide finally about this woman? Oh God, stop showing off with your apple. Do you know what I mean? You know, when you get some time... Stop showing off with your apple is such a working class. He thinks that's luxury goods. It's like pirates with scurvy, used to say,

when they were taken in by the Admiralty. Ah, don't be showing off with your apple and your two eyes. Yeah. I like that to Frank, that's the ultimate decadence. It was just, you know, you can know in their head, they're hearing like, do-do-do-do-do-do, Burberry is for beautiful, do-do-do-do-do-do. Would you have found it just as offensive if she'd been eating confectionery? No. If she was walking around with her Snickers half hanging out of the edges of her mouth? No.

If she's walking around with her Snickers, what,? Her sneakers what? Hanging out the edges of her mouth. With her sneakers hanging out? I mean, you don't see that as often as you used to, do you? Do you remember that? Remember the rainstorm you used to see at the back? I never see that now. It was a 90s affliction. But why is it...

How could it have stopped happening? It disappeared along with Atomic Kitten. I know, but I don't see how it stopped. People still wear thongs, I'm guessing. No, they've gone for the big pants now. We don't wear thongs anymore. Oh, thongs have gone. Don't say they.

I will tell you what we wear. We've gone for the big pants. I'll tell you what. We don't wear big pants. But why don't we see those? Why don't we see those rising up? Excuse me. Will you listen to me?

Why are you listening to him? What does he know? Why are you listening to him? Well, I imagine he probably looks more than you do. Well, I want to know the answer to this. I'll tell you. You're not asking. Go on.

So tell me after this. OK. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Emily Dean, Noel, extraordinaire.

What's happened to the thong? What do women wear now? Why don't we see them above the waistline of their jeans, stroke trousers? What's going on? Well, Frank, I was asked this very question on Newsnight last week. Is that true? I, er...

By Jeremy Slacksman. Who's their trouser specialist that they have on there now. I thought Emily had been drafted in on a dapper last story. I was just curious. Please. I'll tell you the sort of undergarments we're favouring these days. Can I say, I'm asking this in a sort of social history kind of a way, not a ooh-baby kind of a way.

Me too. I'm highly relieved to hear it. There'll be no ooh-baby in this studio on my time. I have just checked. And I would say what we're going for, maybe Charlie and Daisy could back me up on this, is... I didn't want to personalise this. OK.

Too late. Is a brief. Oh, OK, they're back, are they? The brief is back, but not big pants like Alan seems to be suggesting with his weird fantasies. This is their moment, isn't it, the briefs? It's the briefs. Let me ask this question.

You don't have to answer this. Oh, I will. I will. Could you give me a rough measurement on waistband to side seam, lower side seam? In centimetres? 15 inches. 15 inches. That was a loon pant.

15 inches? I told you, they've gone big. It's winter, isn't it? What would you say, girls? Two centimetres? I think it's much more sensible than the thong. Oh, so much more. Oh, the thong always reminded me of the cheese counter.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, when the wire comes across the slice. Oh, no. You know when the wire comes across the slice? Oh, no, no. Anyway. So that's the pants we're wearing today. Congratulations. I'm wearing Daddy Pig pants. Oh, really?

I've got an affordable stripy cotton box of shorts. Affordable? Affordable. Who could wear in affordable pants? Surely that's some sort of tautology. I mean, that's one of the key attractive points. Where do you get your pants? Does your wife buy them?

What? No. I buy them. Did you say, do you wife buy them? I said, does your wife buy them? Oh, okay. 3G pants. I thought you suggested, I wouldn't buy pants online.

Wouldn't you? Oh, I have done. I've had line on pants you? Oh, I have done. I've had line-on pants before. Oh, I have. Frank, can I recommend figleaves.com? Really? I don't need freebies. I've got them coming out of my ears.

Yeah. No, I know that, darling, and I've always respected you for that. Anyway, so there's another phenomenon, and that's when the young and attractive people have to wait for things. And I know they don't wait for much. No. But if you see them, they won't just stand on a straight corner.

They'll get right up and sit on quite a raised section of wall and lean back. Oh, yeah. And the whole waiting thing suddenly becomes this dramatic pose. And again, you know, they're sort of, oh, this is me on an album sleeve. Why don't they just relax? What's the matter with them? I think it's selfie culture, you see. They're very self-conscious now.

They're always thinking how they're perceived. They are. They're sitting high up on a wall. It's more like selfie culture, isn't it? I don't think I was like that when I was a young man. See they had sherry for breakfast they'd be more relaxed generally i was gonna say you were slumped against the wall darling i was over the wall you could see my pants of course men's pants i see wherever i look yes they're completely women's pants have gone into hiding i think the pant male and female pants are like the man and woman on those weather houses you used to get.

Do you remember the man used to come out in a certain weather and the woman? And that's what's happened with the pants. Never seen simultaneously. Yeah, we must work it. It's probably the whole thing is down to climate change. Well, Richard Madeley, commando, of course. Yes, of course. Famously. Surely that must be affected by climate change. Richard Madeley, commando, of course. Yes, of course. Famously.

Surely that must be affected by climate change. People are having their breakfast. I know, you're right, I forgot about that. Oh, Madeley. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Also on the way in, this morning, I... So slick, the way you did that. Thanks. This morning, I noticed a lot of the shops now in the central of London. Nice, I like that. In the central of London, like the Pardoner in in the central of London. Nice, I like that. In the central of London, like the Pardener in the centrale of London. This show's brought to you by Peeps. Yeah, it's Geoffrey Chaucer.

It's a bit Londinium, wouldn't it? So I notice a lot of the shops now, unsurprisingly, have got their Christmas windows. One of the ones that hadn't yet was Pret-a-Manger. Oh.

Right? What are you laughing at? She's laughing at your French. That's really ridiculous affectation. Whenever you're forced to speak any sort of French. No one, even the man who invented Pret-a-Manger. Even the man who invented French. No, Julian Metcalf.

Did he invent French? No, he invented Pret-a-Manger. Oh, OK who invented French. No, Julian Metcalf. Did he invent French? No, he invented Pret-a-Manger. Oh, okay. Did he? He doesn't go yes, um... The man who invented Pret-a-Manger is called Julian Metcalf. I thought he'd be called Patrice Filippo. That's what I thought he'd be called.

Okay. Yeah, that's what he's called. Anyway. Okay, well, anyway, I went past there and I thought, oh, they're missing a bit of a trick, aren't they, Pret-a-Manger? Because all these other shops haven't got Christmassy names, and they've got the word manger. Oh, yeah. Isn't he? That's true.

So if you said that the French Pret-a-Manger means ready to eat... Well done, Frank. It means ready to manger, which is exactly what we are at this time of the year. What they should have a TV advert with, say, Joseph and Mary going, let's get ready to manger. Let's get ready to manger in straw, kicking up straw, as they dance. Everybody manger.

I'd love that. Yeah. Sounds good. I think that... But they don't have the red cups, Frank. Don't they? No. Oh, that's the rival high street coffee shop. No, but they could. What I'm saying is Christmas

is waiting for them. Yes. It's all set for their Christmas advertising campaign. They're doing nothing about it. I wonder if they even know that it's coming up. Well, they must know the word manger. I mean, Christmas they might just have not i know of course i've heard that julian megcoff not know it's come christmas is coming yeah do you mind

i don't know him i don't know what kind of guy he is well i tell you he's very posh yeah exactly i imagine someone who started a business was posh no way i imagine these turkeys already ordered yes I say, he's not the only one. Oh. You haven't ordered it. I've ordered my turkey. Have you? Yeah.

Do you know, it completely ignored me. Have you really ordered it, Frank? I have. Have you ordered full bird? Well, you say that. We all know who's going to be Marigolds Deep in that turkey, and it'll be Sandy Mason, not you. No.

I've gone full bird. The deal. I've gone, oh, no, I don't like crown. I've got my leather crown if I need that. I've gone full bird. Good, good for you. So what's the deal then? Well, here's what happened. There is

a shop near me called the Hamster Butcher and then, I haven't finished yet, the Hamster Butcher and Providor. Wow. And Providore. I don't know what, French isn't finished yet, hamster butcher and providor. Wow. And providore. I don't know, French, isn't it? And they're very posh.

It's a very posh shop. Oh, artisan. Yes. And Kath wants, she wants an organic turkey because, you know, for the boy, he doesn't want him to have the non-organic bird. She better not have sweets on Crimbo Day. I'll be coming round with some. Yes, anyway, so I've ordered the boy. He doesn't want him to have the non-organic bird. She better not have sweets on Crimbo Day. I'll be coming round with some. Anyway, so I've ordered the turkey.

It's about it's a metric measure which I can't quite... It's a biggish turkey, but not massive by any means. Kilograms. Was it in kilograms? It was, yeah. It's to serve six to eight people. What sort of price are you guessing at? That's this morning's... Oh, no, it isn't.

Six to eight, I'm going to go... £38. Yeah, I'd go somewhere near 40 quid, but hang on, I'm going to round it up to 45, because it's hamsters. OK, well, I'll tell you now, and then we'll discuss it after. OK. The price is...

£89. Wow! Lovely. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Can I just express some sadness that we're doing this week as a pre-record? Because I think, guess how much my turkey was?

Could have been one of the best text-ins this show has ever had. Well, it's a bit church fate. I'm glad that we managed to rouse you with those smelling salts after you heard that the turkey was £89, Alan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alan's not planning to spend that much on Christmas. Yes, £ quid. 89. But, but, before you think that I'm some wild fool

who's spending that kind of money on the turkey. Yeah. What's he going to say? He haggled. He haggled. I was recently, I recently received a gift. It was my end of, we recorded a series of Room 101, Series 4, and at the end of it, it's traditional for the turn, the main turn, to get a gift from the production. I would say it's slightly more specific than that.

It's traditional for you to get a gift and there be some horrible, awkward, embarrassing tale about it on this show. Yes. Well, they've got a terrible record, I'll be straight with you. They have. Hey, guess what, Al? We never get a gift, do we, on this show. Yes. Yes, well, they've got a terrible record. I'll be straight with you. They have. Hey, guess what, Al? We never get a gift, do we, on this one?

No, well, this show never ends. That's why. Where would the gap be where we get our present? Oh, that was so cruel when the Sony judges said that. Anyway, so what was my end of season present from the room when I wanted? Turkey voucher. A fresh turkey voucher.

It was a £100 meat voucher. Brilliant. That is a great gift. For the hamster botcher. And providor! And you love a voucher and the new Christmas is coming up. I love a voucher, I love a turkey, I love a providor! They've absolutely nailed that this year.

Frank, you so dropped a hint about that. I don't believe that was a coincidence. Well, we did do a record, and I don't want to give away things that I said on the series, but I think it was... Probably all over the internet, those spoilers. But one of the turns was talking about buying gifts for men, one of the guests buying gifts for men,

and I said, speaking as a middle-aged man, I said, I don't know. And then I spoke to him, he's like, I don't know, I like your gift. No, I didn't do that. How did that go? Can I say I didn't do that? No. See, I've done stuff on here I wouldn't do anywhere else.

You can feel privileged by that or you can feel insulted. Thanks for that. Well, you know... It's our gift, Al. Yeah, I mean, how much is a radio? Anyway, again, not a texting. So I said, well, you know, I'd want practical things like meat vouchers. I'd be very happy with it, just, you know, off the top of my head.

Yes, because it's 1939. Yeah. Who wants that? And then, so they took me at my word and got me a £100 meat voucher. But, you know, it means that I feel I can splash out on the turkey. I don't mean in a basting way. No, I'm not paying for it. Although it's good, too.

Yeah. And you'll get £11 back. Well, I won't because, what about this? What about the sausages? Yeah, this is it. The saucisson. How often, how often do you get the chance to say to a butcher,

probably not. How often do you get the chance to say, oh, and just make up the short four with sausages. I mean, come on. Come on. Cut one in half if you have to. To make it around 100 quid. Would you go over the 100 pounds? If you said, oh have to, to make it around £100. Would you go over the £100? If you said, oh, actually, Frank, it's £107.28, I don't think you would.

I'd spit in their face. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I saw something the other day, which I must say took me back. I'd forgotten it had stopped. It was a bit like the thong. It had gone without me really noticing. I saw something and I thought, I haven't seen that for ages. I saw someone pushing a car.

Wow. Oh, I love that. When did that stop and why? I think it was about 1979. Was it? When I was in Birmingham there was always people pushing cars. I don't know if we had petrol. I think sometimes you'd see

seven or eight people pushing a double-decker bus. The car was often Datsun Cherry. Yeah. That they were pushing, I found. Well, I mean, I'm a bit older than you. With me, it was a G Registration bottle green Hillman Imp. But now it's gone. I mean, Al, you're our motor correspondent. Am I?

Yeah. Can I put that on like a business card? Certainly. If you need a reference. Yes. 378-433. I don't know. I've only been driving for 10, 11 years. I'm a bit of a late starter. It's surprising you haven't had to84 for three. I don't know. I've only been driving for 10, 11 years.

I'm a bit of a late starter. It's surprising you haven't had to start for petrol. Well, it used to be the measure of a man. The measure of a man. If you saw someone pushing a car, whether you went and helped or not. That's true. You know, there's a great story a few years ago that David Beckham jumped out of his car

at a roundabout and pushed somebody until they got going and then just jumped back in his car and went. Daisy's Garsting. Isn't that amazing? Joking. That's brilliant. There's a man who has the confidence of having wet wipes in the glove compartment. Yeah.

Yes. I suppose he has someone who washes his hands. Yeah, they were in the boot. Yeah. I would. He just stays in there. No, how lovely. Love him.

I didn't miss, when was that story then? I don't know, a year. So people are pushing cars in the north. Yes, but I think what's happened is the breakdown services have become more lean on-able, haven't they? Everyone's got the little card in their

wallet and they just go, I'll just phone them. Yeah, but that thing is just getting it going how long has it been since someone said to you um i can't uh i can't start my car off your battery can i make and get the old dumplings so see that that's why we were a community yeah yeah exactly but this bloke was pushing it with one hand and he was on the phone strongest man i love him this is the modern the modern yeah he's probably tweeting i'm strongest man, I love him. This is the modern, the modern. He's probably tweeting, I'm pushing a car.

Either that or he's got a mate saying, step forward again, step forward again, faster, faster, faster. Help line. That's AA help line. We can't actually make it, but we'll tell you how to mend that car. And then I had another,

well this was a more negative thing. It was car based but it started off as a car based stuff. Get down you're in. That's my territory. No it is I know. You say that you've only been driving 11 years. Yeah exactly. I mean for goodness sake.

I mean I've been driving. I'd rather not say it. I I know a not say, actually. I, um, I know a road on Saturday night. I went out and I got back and I got, I wasn't driving, I got a train and I won't

bore you. Anyway, public transport-ish. And, uh, there was a lot of young women standing in the street, well, I say a lot, five or six young, you know, teenage girls, I suppose 17, 18. Drinkers? Maybe young, 16, 17.

Sorry? Drinkers? Oh, well, it's hard to tell, but they were scantily, I mean, my first thought, and this is how I've aged, my first thought, well, they'd be better off saying they're pro-ers. But there was a feeling of lariness, you know, that one associates sometimes with youth on a Saturday night. And there was a very, very loud teenage party going on across the road.

Facebook party, maybe. Yes, and then, so I went into the house and joined the bosom of my family, as I call Kath, and then we heard this, fireworks, glass breaking, and all that in the street outside. Oh, really? And, of course, my first thought, as you can imagine, is, oh, no, my car. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I went outside. I was a bit tentative, almost, to me. I thought about, oh, just to hell with it, I'll buy another car. Because I could hear the voice of what I can only describe as you-woods. Frank, well, last time I confronted you, I didn't confront them, it was through my window, and they were yelling, and I just banged on the window, and it was dark inside, admittedly. I just had a bathrobe on and my hair up.

And one of them I heard distinctly shout, look at that old man! What, at you? Yes! Oh, well, that's... They're very inexperienced, of course, these young boys. Look at that old man. Imagine what they would have said to you.

But, you know, a middle-aged man confronts... Young girls. Well, not that... Let's ignore the girls. But middle-aged... We've all seen stories. Middle-aged man, you know, hooded youth. It can only... Well, it can only end...

There's a few ways it can end, but it can go very wrong. Yes. As I was leaving, Kath was getting me to sign stuff. Mm-hm. But anyway... Autographs for eBay. You know, signing stuff over to her. Insurance documents.

Yes. Anyway, I went out there. Happily, just as I got to the door, I saw the blue flashing lights of the police. Oh. And I stepped outside and it was all the street was like saw the blue flashing lights of the police. And I stepped outside and it was all the street was like loads. All the neighbours had come out.

Was David Baddiel out? I bet he was. He's a nosy neighbour. No, he was. I'd left him at the theatre. So anyway, it's quite a posh road, I'll be honest with you. Doing well. Yeah, thanks. Don't need to be bashful about it. I am. I'm okay with it.

I'm very okay with it. Yeah. And there was this young lad who was taking on a bit of a football. You know when people, when lads get drunk, they stop talking like this. They start talking like this. They talk like this. Even though they were obviously posh. And this guy said, we hate the police.

And I thought, there's so much wrong with that. First of all, I don't like the sentiment. No. Unless it's the band. But you don't say... Maybe they meant the band. You don't say the police when you're being abusive like that. You do if you go to a private school.

Yeah, exactly, and that's what it was like. But if you're going to a private school, you shouldn't adopt the woo, woo tone. I earned that tone. We've got no business. Lots of impoverishment and suffering. Frank, it's like we don't say no to drugs, we say no thank you.

Exactly, exactly. And, you know, you've got to call them something like the Rosses, if you're going to do that. No, you won't have that said. That's what they say. I know, but it's just wrong. I love the police. They've been very good to me. But anyway, this policeman said to me, oh, are you one of the people that complained?

And I went, no, no. Oh, it was like Nazi Germany. I was terrified. I said, no, I just come out looking for my car. I just checked my car's all right. And he said, yeah, all right, carry on. Carry on, he said. Carry on.

So, you know, like I was in the army. Frank, you did not speak out and then they came for you. I know. So I went and had a look, you know, to see if my car was all right. God, I couldn't find it. I could not find it. I had to walk past this copper twice. Every time he looked more suspicious.

Like I'd just come out to look at these girls. Oh, God, I felt like vermin. It was so... But first I thought my car's been stolen. Then I thought, I'm just going to go in anyway. I know I wouldn't have slept. You didn't have a little shorty dressing gown on, did you? No, I had a silk kimono.

I had one of those plastic stripper gram police woman outfits on. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday fromner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text us this morning because we aren't here.

We recorded this a little earlier in the week because I'm in Doncaster. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Frank. It's cold. I feel the cold. I'm finishing. I feel all the bits here. Go on, go on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You can do that. We can always look at them retrospectively, and if it's good ones... We'd love to see them. We'll do them next week. Yes. I don't know how... As a close friend who loves you...

Oh, yeah, I know what you're going to tell him. Yeah. Mm-hm. There's a Gordon K meets Robert Mugabe slash of chocolate on the top of your lip. Yeah, I know. I hope you're going to do I'm saving it for later and face this out. How are you going to cope with this?

It's my version of sexy girl eats apple. Middle-aged man eats chocolate and does he care? No. Good for you. Well, good for you. Is it there?

It's just gone a bit Eddie Izzard with the lip liner. Okay, you've removed it now. Thank you. But thanks for telling me that's what friends are for. Yeah, still there. Is it still there? Yeah, you've removed it now. Thank you. But thanks for telling me that's what friends are for. Yeah. Still there.

Is it still there? Yeah, yeah. Lick it. Still there. Big old lick. Still there. I don't like Alan going, lick it, lick it.

It makes me feel... Oh, I've got to chill. It might be because I'm in Doncaster. It's freezing up here. So, I'd better tell the end of this story. So, I'd better tell you the end of this story. So, I'm wondering, Paz, any new readers that have joined during the news break? This may be one of the more perplexing links to join on. Yes.

There was a party and Frank was looking at the girls. I was not looking at the girls. I was looking for my car. I went into the street. I've got that at the girls. I was looking for my car. I went into the street. I've got that sort of half-belching thing with people. You know, and you're talking like that. Who wants to hear that? Breakfast.

You know what I mean? People say, you haven't noticed. Of course we've noticed. Apologise or get out. Anyway, so... What about the man in Waitrose? You hiccuped in my ear the other day? Really?

That's disgusting. At least it was in Waitrose. Well, that's what I thought. But it smelt of lovely, lovely taramasa lard. Harder to control the hiccup, though, isn't it? Harder to control the hiccup. Hiccups. Why are you his apologist suddenly?

They're not really hiccups, those things, though, are they? Reverse burps. Stop it. I'm only simulating, this is not real. If I go off stage at the end of my show, and of course I always drag back on for an encore.

But when I go off, I have a drink of water. And when I go back on, I say, oh thanks Sarah for how much for... I bet they think, oh, we should have brought him back on if he was going to be like this. It's good you get the encore, it's worth the work. Anyway, so you're in the...

Yeah. In your street, on the street where you live. So anyway, I finally, I thought, it must be further up, my car further up the road, so I went up, I found my car. You don't have a driveway? No, I don't have a driveway. Oh, my goodness.

Can I say this, it's a very northern story. I found my car. So yeah, so I found my car. It was cause for celebration. I just forgot where I'd parked it, but there is a happy end to this story. Oh yeah? And I remembered then that the reason it was parked a bit further up is I just couldn't find a parking space in my road, so I went right to the top of the road.

It's a cul-de-sac road. So I had to turn. What? Stop. Come on, you can translate that. Just pronounce it properly. It's a dead end.

And so I turn round, I park the car, but joy of joys, it is now facing towards the open road. So when I get in the car, I don't have to do a three point turn. That's such a, I can't wait to get in the car now. I can't wait to get in the car. So you left it there because it's facing out. Yeah. Right. You can just get in and drive. Oh, I mean, imagine it.

I did that very occasionally. I'll reverse into a parking space on a car park and wherever I'm going, all the time I'm thinking that's the hard work done. When I get in that car, it's just freewheeling. I do find when I drive over to see you, your crescent is a tricky mistress.

I am not enjoying how many people are encroaching on my motor correspondent territory. No, no, we should change the subject certainly. But first, but first, music. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin... Music. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, here's a direct quote. Let's make a bit of fun of it. Who said this? You can't smack naughty kids, so I make mine eat chillies instead.

Jamie Oliver. Apparently you can't smack... I think you still can in Scotland, though, can't you? I don't know. What, smack your children? Yeah. I hope not. Isn't that allowed?

I thought that was allowed. I thought that was like a big news story years ago, that you still could smack them in Scotland. Yeah, well, good's it done up there? Nothing. Exactly. It's a shame it's not a texting day. We could have found that out, couldn't we?

I'm missing the readership. Anyway... I am, but I don't know about the hitting your children texting i don't know if i like to like some of the stuff that had caught me no i don't know since i've got one of my own the idea of striking him i find abhorrent no i i mean i haven't struck any of mine wait till he's 15. but um then he'll be hitting me but jamie oliver said it's not very popular but he'll be hitting me, for a second, won't he? But Jamie Oliver said, it's not very popular beating kids anymore. But I'll be in a chair, so. Sorry?

He said, it's not very popular beating kids anymore. It's not very fashionable and you're not allowed to do it. And if you're a celebrity chef like me, it does not look very good in the paper, so you need a few options. I like that he said that. He's being light-hearted. He is. I think he is. I like Oliver.

Oh, yeah. He's being a laugh, you know. He's tongue-in-cheek often, actually. So what did he do, Al? He smeared Scotch bonnet pepper onto some slices of apple. Scotch bonnet pepper? Which, FYI, well, I'll tell you, has a heat rating of 100,000 to 300,000. Very popular.

On the thermometer. Yeah, exactly. A heat rating. What's that mean? 2,000 what 300,000. Very popular. On the telerometer. Yeah, exactly. I hate writing. What's that mean? Wait, 2,000 what? Killer Hertz? It means if she was a bit older, when she tasted that bit of apple,

she would have definitely said a swear word. But at her age, she probably didn't. Is it Killer Hertz? Because that's how much it hurts. I know exactly what she said. What did she say? She said, it tastes peppery. Well.

And he said he was in the corner laughing. And his wife had a go at him. I don't know why he felt he had to go into the corner in his own house. Yeah. He was in the corner. Yeah, but why did that make her? Maybe it was to disguise the fact that he had played this prank on her. Perhaps he was hiding to watch the drama unfold.

I don't know. But in my house, if somebody suddenly went into a corner, I'd think, what are they up to? Yeah, I think no-one puts me in the corner. Yeah, nobody puts Jamie in the corner. That's what they say. What about what one of the people, the Daily Mail commenter said? I know we don't like to dwell on them too much, because it's a bit Route 1, but there was one I enjoyed.

Go on. You can imagine they had stuff to say about this. We'll give you a dispensation. Thank you for the dispensation. Someone said, this could put a child off a dispensation. Thank you for the dispensation. Someone said, this could put a child off sweet or savoury foods for life. That would be inhibiting, wouldn't it? To be put off both sweet and savoury.

That would be what I'd call a result. Sweet and sour popcorn would be his nightmare now I come to think about it. Well, the good thing about this is he's a chef, isn't he? So he knows what he's doing as far as dosage and that is his concern it's like 12. it's like i use tickling as a as a punishment but you see laughter is my business yes so i know how far i i can go yeah laughter is my business it is my business it's not getting round it i know you don't want to hear it said out, but it's true and that's that.

You know, just face it. Alright? Get under it. Yeah, I'm going to say that now deliberately, get under it. Get under it. Let me know how that goes. Because I don't like to encourage climbing. So if somebody says, oh, I don't like to encourage climbing. No.

So if somebody says, oh, I don't think you like it, oh, get under it. OK, what do you think? Yeah, let us know how it goes. I'm disappointed for someone where laughter is your business. Frankly. Well, just because it's my business, I'm entitled to a small tea break.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank tea break. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Jamie Oliver we were discussing, who I noticed in the article I read at least, it says that him and his wife have a combined wealth of £240 million. Wowza. Combined wealth. I think she's got £120

quid's worth of premium bonds. Never know, though. The joy of the premium bond. Yeah, exactly right, yeah. What do you think of the chilli apple, though? Do you do, would you do the naughty step with Buzz, for example? Well, you see... Does he know

the naughty step? Kath dabbled with the naughty step. How did it work? I don't like it. No, but what about for bars? Yeah, no, but it was for bars. And I didn't like it. It felt a bit of a humiliation. It felt a bit medieval to me, the naughty step.

So I never used the naughty step. I have used it myself in an argument. I can't give you the exact phrase that I call it. Not broadcastable. No, it's to do with... I can't even do that. So let's say one of the smelly areas. I love this story.

One of the smelly areas of the anatomy. And I call it the that step, the uh-oh step, because if I'm being a bit of a uh-oh, I think sometimes a good way to stop, because sometimes you realise you're being a uh-oh, and you think, oh, I'm being one now, but I'm lost in it, I have to keep being one. What I do know is I go and sit on the uh-oh step,

and it seems to break the mood. And also it's an admission, you know, a confession. That's an anecdote for Absolute Filth. No, but I think it's... No, I know what you mean. I think anyone who's having relationship problems should maybe consider that as an option. And parentally speaking, I find the naughty step is a... It's a mixed success with it. Like, kids actually quite like the naughty step is a mixed success with it.

Like, kids actually quite like the naughty step if there is an adult bag nearby and you go right here on the naughty step, time out for you for three minutes, and then you come back and they're just rooting through stuff, having a right old time, loving it. Oh, that kind of adult bag. Yeah, like if there's, like my wife's bag.

I was going to say, you dare say that about Sandy Mason. You come back and they've spent three minutes just finding Murray mints or something, you know. Oh, that's, yeah. Great old times. say, you dare say that about Sandy Mason. You know, you come back and there's, they spent three minutes just finding Murray Mints or something, you know, they're great old times. Yeah, they've been, can I just ask a question? Yes.

You can see flashing lights as well, can't you? I'm not having an aneurysm. Do you know what flashing lights is? Who said that? I'll tell you what it is. The studio has flashing lights. It does, doesn't it?

I'm right. Yes, it does. Oh, good, thank God for that. This is because Kiss FM. It's the police that found your car. Kiss FM, oh, groovy. Yes. Or Austin Powers.

Can you record that as a news station trail? Do they ever say, and you're listening to FM, do they ever do that? No, it's horrible. So, Groovy Kiss FM are doing a photo shoot. Is that right, Daisy? Some of the presenters. They get asked to do photo shoots. Well, that's all very well.

In the zoo. I wouldn't mind, but if this was a news item, I would have been warned. Yeah. This contains flash photography. I'm sitting there. I mean, I have no idea what it's doing to my... I don't know, you know, if I'm...

Yeah. We might get glaucoma like Bono. That'd be terrible. Then we'll have to wear those big eye... Big eye glasses. Fly eye things. Yeah. Fly eye.

Touch the sky. Yes. I think we'll play some music now. There's just a thin trail of blood coming out of both of my ears. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, the whole punishing children thing, I've decided that it might actually be beneficial to take PE at my school punishment,

where if kids misbehaved they had to do like squat thrusts or press ups. Oh yeah. You know your PE teacher, invariably somebody Welsh would be like, give me ten, give me ten push ups. Yeah. And so I think- If you say give me five that would be very confusing. That would be, and there would be too many high fives. Especially if a kid is already in trouble and he gives them some. I would say that would be quite groovy.

Yes, you're probably right. But wouldn't it be good if I could get my kids doing press-ups when they're just... Would it, though? Well, they're going to end up stronger when they're a bit older. Yeah, but you see what you're setting up here. The naughtier they are, the stronger they will be. Is that the combination you want?

They'll be able to tear you apart when they're 16. Yes, I think that might be quite good for them though. You'd be better if they were very very good punishing them with press-ups so they'll be look after themselves when they go out and school and get inevitably bullied for being good. Yeah see we used to have to if for example if the transgression was something like I don't know we fell asleep at a dinner party because we were seven or something yeah we fell asleep at a dinner party because we were seven or something yeah um let's say it was something like that yeah which is you know my or another thing that we used to get in trouble for is if we said something like invite instead of invitation because invite is an american corruption

my father used to say yes wow so we know we genuinely would have to write letters of apology to the wrong we had to do it to do it to the neighbours, to the wronged party. To the English language. What, if you'd said in vice? No, not in that case, but once, for example, we were a bit rude to the neighbours. Hold on a minute. Can you give us more details?

If Dad wouldn't have liked that. You can't say details. That is such an American corruption. I think we put... We were obsessed by tricks at the time, and we sprayed a bit of custard pie foam on their windows. Oh, OK. It was a bit rude.

Yeah, it's a bit naughty, that. So we had to write an apology. It was a bit like when people are in AA, I believe they write letters to people, don't they? No. I don't know, I didn't do AA. OK. I used to run the Catholic Church.

Did you? Yeah, we don't do the letters thing. Just cash. Yeah, so I... My brother... I remember my mum hit our Keith with a broom and broke his thumb. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty strict, isn't it?

That's fairly strict. I think he was threatening to leave home and it was a very extreme anti-hitchhiking measure. No, it was, I remember it caused quite a, I mean, he cried like a child. Well, he was a child. Yeah, she was full of regret Yeah. She was full of regret. Oh, and she was full of it.

She was about, say, a quarter full with it. But, yeah, that was quite shocking. I mean, I'm glad those days have gone, aren't you? Yeah. I mean, the broom. Now we've got vacuum cleaners to hit them with. Yes. Or the noo-noo, as my son calls it.

What, the hoover? Yeah. Really? The key is that you give them a friendly name and then they're not frightened of them anymore. She used to be quite scared of the Hoover. Oh, is that right? I noticed Kat's been scared of it for many years.

My wife. Is that my wife? Put it in the sink. I will, love. Where is the sink? Yes. I'll say she's a bad cook, love. Where is the sink? Yes. I'll say she's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as timer. Nice.

Oh, that's it. We're off. Vaudeville, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I think it's time for a little journey. See, wasn't that a belch at the end? No! Do you think she belched? She! I'm sitting here. You're the cat's mother. Is it the my ca- oh! She! She! I'm sitting here. Yeah, okay. Yeah, who's she? The cat's mother. I meant in terms of the recording. I say the cat's- is it the cat's mother?

Yes. That's what people say. Yeah, but why do they say that? I don't know. Is that some of your encore material? Yeah. Ricky laughs When you've done your My Wife Doesn't Use The Hoover routine. Right, so that's a bit more my, uh, laughter is my business tea break material. Ricky laughs Steve laughs Why- Frank, why don't you get some merch printed up with Laughter Is My Business?

Oh, you must have loads of merch. No, I'm anti-merch. Just Sweets is not going to take off, let's be honest. I am fervently anti-merch. I thought you had a lot of merch in the days gone by. I was always forced into merch

and I didn't like it. I prefer gold and frankincense. Yes. How do you prefer... Wouldn't it be great if the Three Kings had bought gold, frankincense and merch all from wouldn't it be great if the three kings had bought golf frankincense and merch all from preta mind you

anyway um what little emails then oh yeah okay yes indeed let's start with carl gould okay he says uh dear well he says messieurs, does he mean messers I think, Skinner Cochran and the delightful Miss M I think he means messers, I think you've got to admit we are messers when it comes down to it I'm not sure I understand the difference but I don't know how French guys you guys have been parading your French about this show

haven't you, I don't well I have, I don't got it I've barely got English I thought of another onomatopoeic shoe, because we were discussing onomatopoeic shoes, weren't we? Is this you talking, or...? No, this is Carl Gould. OK, Carl Gould, of course.

What were some of the examples, Frank? I can't remember. Clog. Well, Flip-Flop was the one I mentioned. Frank, for a long time, tried to make Slipper an onomatopoeic shoe, didn't he? No, no. Do you remember Slipper? We had... Creepy, creepy. I think Do you remember Slipper? It was creepy. Creepy.

I think the one that went a bit borderline was Wellington. And galoshes, people texting in galoshes. They sound a bit like that. I found a mind said ski. Does ski count? Ski boots. Ski.

Yes, it's quite good. But what about my... I got a pair of... That was awful. Snowshoes. Brilliant. Are the shoes uncle? Brilliant.

That was me at my laughter is my business best. T-shirts still available? Laughter is my business. It's limb as well. I like OMB. Why didn't you get some T-shirts? I could help you out.

It could be limb. It could be out on a limb with Frank Skinner, out on a laughter in my business. If I was to come out as homosexual and laughter was my business, that'd be the best slogan I knew. Out on a limb. I mean, if you come out

as a homosexual, it might ruin some of your my wife doesn't do the hoovering jokes. I don't think that'd stop him. Come on, Oscar Wilde, he had two kids. That's what people always say about... Do they? Yeah, people say he's a bit of a... No, I think he's married.

Yeah, Oscar Wilde, he had two kids. I'm smoking. In case you can't see, I'm actually doing... Smoking, my... Okay. Anyway, so Carl Gould has come up with another onomatopoeic shoe. Yes. And it is the Ugg boot.

Yeah. He says. Where do we stand on that? Does he mean because you see them and go,oeic shoe. Yes. And it is the Ugg boot. Yeah. He says. Where do we stand on that? Does he mean because you see them and go, ugh? Yes. Maybe. I think that's it. Is that what he means?

And when you say, where do we stand on Ugg boots, usually on the, uh, collapsed heel, isn't it? Oh, the collapsed heel. Um, I hate to say it, but it's what you get with the fakes. Is it? So, yeah. I know where you've been going, my friend. Oh, no, I haven't got any Ugg boots.

You don't see... I bet Mrs. Cockrell's got a few faux ones. I bet you've got Ugg boots at home. I haven't got any Ugg boots. I bet Mrs Cockrell's got a few faux ones. I bet you've got Ugg boots at home. I haven't got any Ugg boots at home. If I had Ugg boots, I'd happily wear them in the house. Also, I'm wearing a particularly moddish suit today. I don't think it would go with Ugg boots, would it? Well, I don't know.

Ronnie Wood used to be a genuine face. And he wears a male Ugg. Does he? Why have you got a suit today? Is it a defendant type scenario? No. I've got a gig this evening. Okay, fine.

Reasonably shiny one. Lovely. I love a nice Saturday night gig. Yeah, I love a nice Saturday night gig. See how I did that? Nice. Excellent work. Truly, both laughter and chronology Is my business

Not such a good limb That's burned the whole limb thing out Yeah, but you could get some nicer Well, I have a different thing We'll play some music But I feel differently about the org, I must say Absolute Radio Frank Skinner

On Absolute Radio No, I've I mean, I think Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I've, um, I mean, I think, uh, and I don't wish to say this in a salacious way, but I think a skirt and an odd boot looks fantastic. Mini skirt? Yeah. Denim. Denim mini skirt, ideally. And an odd boot.

Quite specific. Sort of, you know, it's more of a, oh. It's a bit Pammy Anderson, isn't it? Oh, well, now, Pammy Anderson, do you remember that she got into trouble with the Ogboot thing? Oh, did she? Because they said it was like animal rights people attacked her for wearing Ogboot. Why would they do that? Isn't it just sheepskin?

Yeah, sheepskin. Yeah. Skin. Yeah. Yeah. You have Yeah. Yeah. You have to kill them to get that off. Otherwise, if you just take the skin off while they're alive, they drop to bits. You can get humanely destroyed.

You can get ones where it's just fallen off, but I think it takes a while. Not the skin. Oh, the actual skin. It's not like the wool. It's the skin. Yeah, yeah. Well. Were people complaining because she looked like mutton dressed as lamb?

Is that what's going on Absolutely outrageous I mean how unfair No she She said And this is an actual quote from Pamela Anderson When she was pulled up on this She said I thought they were shaved

Kindly Nice I mean ignorance is no defence I a court of law, is it? I thought that as well, so how dare you? No, but the normal... Yeah, I did think that. I have to say the normal defence is, I think you'll agree, that people say, well, they eat sheep anyway.

That's true, yeah. That's what they do say. Because they eat sheep, it's okay. What do you say? I say, why is it then the exact opposite with human beings? If I killed somebody, people would say, that's ruined his career, that's quite bad. If I ate them, it wouldn't make it a better crime, it would make it a worse one.

No, you're right. Where's the justice in that? Well. No, I want to know. And yet again, I'm missing the text in opportunity. But where's the justice in that? Where's the justice in that on 8.12? If I battered a big fish to death with, let's say, a beer bottle.

It's like working with gaunt tea. But I ate it. People would say, that's fine. Yeah. Again, I put it to... If I was a murderer who... Cannibalised. Yeah, let's say, that's worse.

That's even worse. Susie, how many pictures are these kiss people taking? They're still at it, Frank. Interesting social... I think they've heard a bit of this conversation and they're frightened to come out of their room. Yeah. Oh, fancy you've been horrible about Pammy.

I have a slight feeling that Daisy's gone into a panic. It's the end of the... What does that say? It's the end of the worry. It's the end of the world. World as we know it. The end of the world. It's a fine song by the R.E.M. Oh, sorry, I thought you were just reacting to the conversation about capitalism.

Don't text us this morning. This is a pre-recorded show. For laughter, dial 1. For music, dial 2. No. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We will read them retrospectively.

And if we love them, we'll do them next week. I like the War of the Worlds quality to that broadcast. It was excellent. Thanks very much. The chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said. Those CDs available in the foyer? Yeah. After the laughter is my business talk.

I never thought I'd say this on this show, but I would like to talk about Doctor Who. What? Yowza. I'll tell you what. It's because it involves interiors, a subject dear to my heart. Oh, does it involve TARDIS interiors?

It does, Frank. It involves, I'm going to call him one of your colleagues, PCAP. Oh, yes, PCAP has spoken. He has. He was doing a talk, he was giving a talk, I think he was being interviewed by Mark Gatiss, who's tweeted the show and is thus sort of an FOS, really. He's tweeted the show?

Mark Gatiss has, yeah. Is that right? Friend of the show. I think you were on holiday or something. Was it BC before Cockerel? No, it was during Cockerel. No, it was, it was. Oh, OK.

Anyway, he was addressing, it was during Cockerell. No, it was recent. Oh, OK. Anyway, he was addressing... It was a lesbian and gay charity event. Mm-hm. And he was addressing fans. And PCAP discussed the TARDIS and implied that he'd like to give it a makeover. He said, it's Matt's TARDIS. Yes.

And then he said he favoured the 60s roundels. Nice. Which I thought would be very... That's your era, Frank. Oh, dare you. Yes. A lot of people yearn for the roundels i must say i kind of like the fact that matt smith went a bit he went steampunk it went all brassy pipe did that thing you know when they all wear brass goggles in steampunk yes yeah which

i did like but he has changed a bit there's a bookcase that wasn't there before. Is that right? And a chalkboard. I hadn't noticed that. Had you noticed that, Emily, in this series? Not in this series. No, you hadn't spotted the chalkboard or the bookcase. Well, when I was on set... Actually, I myself interviewed PCAP this week. Did you?

Did you? What more? And Jayco. Who's Jayco? Jenna Coleman. Jenna Coleman. Oh. Yeah, I'm trying to see if I can do it with the other ones, but I don't know if it works.

Mitch Gomm. Who's that? Mitch Gomm, Michelle Gomez. Doesn't work at all. Samand. Sam Anderson. I was getting into Cybermen now. No, no, he was the loving

Actually he did become a Cyberman Oh I got it right And Stephen Moffat who writes the whole show I interviewed the five of them Steam off Steam off That's what Peter Capaldi said About the look of the TARDIS interior

Steam off And then Stephen Moffat ran in with a pen and paper question. This is a script change. Why were you interviewing them? No offence, but... Well... No, you were the perfect choice. Let's work with them all.

Because the... He's one of them now. He's one of them. The Series 8 DVD is coming out on Monday, in fact. And so... Ka-ching. Yeah. Oh, you're in it.

I don't get any extra. I'm just glad it exists. He will be selling it at his stand-up gig, because he's anti-merch, but he's pro the doctor. That'd be good. Yeah, but it was great. They showed one of the DVD extras was the world tour, when they went off round the world on a tour.

Don't they do that all the time? No, no, they launch the show. There was one great clip I loved. It was this young Brazilian girl saying, you know, it's so good that Doctor Who come to us. And, you know, not much Doctor Who in Brazil. So good. She got quite emotional.

And then she said a bit which I felt very moving. She said, now we can buy official products. And I thought, how lovely. How lucky we are here. But no, it was a very fabulous event. I'll show you the photo.

Well, I also have a TARDIS question. I have an obligation to play a certain amount of music on the show. But let me show you my photo, then I'll talk TARDIS until the Sontarans come home. amount of music on the show. But let me show you my photo, then I'll talk TARDIS until the Sontarans come home. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I have to say, at one point, PCAP was signing postcards with his picture on and I said, could I get one of those? And he said, yeah, yeah, of course. He said, who's it to? I said, um, me.

Oh, you didn't. I did, yeah. Oh, Frank, that's so embarrassing. Well, I wasn't embarrassed. And I think it's quite touching at the same time. Did he manage to write it, even with his arthritic claw hand on your behalf? He said, grrrr!

Easy. Did you, Frank? Did you sign any Perkins for people? Did people ever come up to you and say, can you sign it from Perkins? That happened the week after he was on it. Do you remember when we finished the show? We got doorstep.

Yeah, but I don't sign it as Perkins. You don't? No. Oh, I think you should start. I signed them. It's an odd thing. I came out of a gig the other night and there was a guy waiting outside,

and I don't think he'd been in. You know these ones that wait outside and haven't been in? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And he had quite a big, I mean, a big framed portrait of PCAP, you know, life-sized. Yeah. And he said, would you sign this?

It was a big ornamental frame and that on it. And I said, and he got a few dog-tailed people that signed it. So I signed it and I noticed it had got eye holes in it. Where the eyes were. Now what?

What on earth? What he and his wife do in the privacy of their bedroom? Well, I mean, yeah. I was a bit frightened. Is this going to hang in a stately home where there's some sort of, you know, murder mystery weekend and things are going to get out of hand? Stately home with a massive friend Doctor Who picture, that sounds...

Well, it's not necessarily Doctor Who. He's played other... Oh, so it was a PCAP, not in Doctor Who. Well, I mean, it was Keighley. It was just a general PCAP. It was him as Doctor Who. Imagine if it was Perkins with eye holes. That would be specialist interest. No offense. General PCAP sounds like someone who ran an African Republic in the 80s.

Big friend of Thatcher, yeah. One of my grandfathers, probably. Oh, I had a TARDIS question, Al. Oh, yes, yes, go on. My TARDIS question was, Frank, it's always bothered me, this. I understand what it stands for. I understand, I know it's that blue police box thingy. Why did they make it that?

Why couldn't they make it something that was eternally relevant, like a tree or something? Something that could move through time. Do you understand me? That is a good call. Good call. Relevant, like a tree or something. Something that could move through time. Do you understand me? Because the whole, one of the great gifts of the TARDIS technology. This one going at Steve Hall? It has a sort of chameleon thing. So wherever the TARDIS lands, it changes to suit the environment.

So it doesn't get recognised. So it landed in 1960s London, early 60s. I'm just going to the loo. Hold it. I'm going to say it quickly. It turned into a police box, but then something went wrong with the Carmelian technology and he couldn't get it to change back. So it stocks.

I know even though it looks completely out of place, it is forever trapped as a police box. There you go. I'm so glad I asked that. I like the fact that Peter Capaldi said that he would like it to go back to the roundels one, and I thought, wouldn't it be a great episode for the writers to think about perhaps having the Doctor himself redecorating?

Yes. A whole episode where he was just going i'm not sure i want the eames chair next to that uh hyper missile firing thing he doesn't really fire missiles you probably know some of the gadgets it might be me as an interior decorator saying well i'll do it i'll do it to be back in it i'll do it that'd be great you know if they did interior design in doctor who i'd watch it in a'd be great. Do you know, if they did interior design in Doctor Who, I'd watch it in a heartbeat. I don't think they can blend that many programmes.

Heartbeat as well, come on. Did they do it in a heartbeat? I'm going to bring the countdowns on. What about if he had it redesigned like a heartbeat? That'd be good. What? Oh, that's good, isn't it? Hold on, hold on.

Lovely little actor. Yeah, he's still got it. I am available, I am available I am available I thought you said that twice that you were hypnotising me with your availability yeah another thing that PCAP said

which I thought was a very good point, he said that when the Doctor goes back and sees monsters that have appeared in earlier versions of the programme, sometimes, like the Daleks appeared in 1963, or certainly early 1964, and he said, why have they changed? Why don't they look like those sort of robber monster things? How come they've suddenly got high tech?

They should look exactly like they used to look. That would be good, wouldn't it? Oh, I love it. That would give him quite the advantage, though, wouldn't it? If he was the Doctor from today's Doctor Who and he was against Daleks from yesterday's Doctor Who. Just pull him apart with his bare hands. Exactly. They're only made from old cornflake packets and you've got to spray silver on

them. It'd be like opening a soft centre quality street. Some poor old actor in there. Yes. Oh, I love that. It's a shame, isn't it? I love that. They did alright on the repeats, though.

Guess what I haven't talked about? I wanted to tell you about this last week. Hang on, can we guess? That could take up quite a chunk of the show. Well, I wanted to talk about it last week. You both had things to say, apparently. More exciting than me going to the Hunger Games premiere. Ooh.

Ooh. I took my niece, Mimi. I'll tell you what I did. I used Absolute Radio Headquarters as my changing area. Often do, don't you, Mimi. I'll tell you what I did. I used Absolute Radio headquarters as my changing area. Often do you, don't you? You know, I always do this. I know. It is just a wardrobe to you.

I put my Roland Mouret dress on, and I said... Your what dress? Roland Mouret. I thought you said running away dress. Something you used to put on when you were seven. I thought she said rolling away. I was thinking maybe that's a dress that's pretty roomy that she has put on. Or a Dalek dress.

No, my Roland Marais. Okay. Is he good, is he? Oh, he's fabulous. He's fabulous. Do you wear him with heels? With heels? With heels.

Marais. More heels. You see? Oh, I see. Another team, right? No, it was great. It was good Moray heels. You see? I see. Another team, right? No, it was great. It was good for your tour. Okay.

What colour was it? I want a picture now. Well, it was black. Okay. But very chic. Was it an LBD? Yes, I'd call it an LBD. Okay, fair.

I've got you. Little zip up the back, a bit Kardashian. Okay, easy. Well, a zip. Would she risk a zip kardashian well it is a risk sometimes with that zip it is a risk for me but i braved it i said to the security guard i said will you zip me up babe you didn't i did i was desperate you're kidding me i was desperate that's the best thing that that's ever happened to that bloke in his life he mostly accepts parcels from delivery drivers yeah now he's zipping up the back of a roll and more yeah i mean he does accept gifts but not wow not this like what he must have just loved what he saw your bra strap the security man but he hesitated when

his wife said i was work today when he got home. Yeah. He was very obliging. Yeah. It was lovely. You didn't honestly do that. I did. I said, can you zip me up, babe? I mean, it wasn't right down at the bottom. No, I'm not suggesting he saw any...

It was halfway up. Elastication. No. But he must have saw your bra strap. Spoiler alert, there wasn't any. Oh, goodness gracious. I... Sweat you and Richard Richard Madeley on it.

I've dislocated both shoulders with a squirm of embarrassment. I'm like Houdini. I could get out of this room to the letterbox at the moment. I'm gelatine from the waist up. Oh, dear, dear. We have to have some music. Alan, can you run me down with a cold flat? No problem.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, I'm on my way to the Hunger Games premiere. Can I just say, I don't know what the Hunger Games... I don't know the Hunger Games at all. It's a thing that they play in Emily's office. Actually, it's a thing I play on the motorway.

Who can eat the least? How many services can I go before I have to stop for Marks and Spencer's? Guess what? I always win. No, it's a trilogy of films. You do know what the Hunger Games are. Jennifer Lawrence. I'm aware of the concept, but I've seen none of it. And my wife said the other day, maybe I should start watching that.

Did you ever see Death Race 2000? Nope. It's like that. Oh, OK. It's a sort of a... I am a bit. He's a California man. If you can imagine a reality TVer got to the point where people were hunting each other down

and killing them in order to win a competition, it's like that. Yeah, very well explained, Frank. This feels a bit like Michael Owen chatting to Barry Norman right now, doesn't it? I've only seen eight films. One of them is Steve Biscuit, as we all know. Indeed. When I see Biscuit, I eat it. Very good.

Eh? So, I leave Absolute Radio. I'm going into quite a lot of detail. Leave Absolute Radio? To go to the premiere. It's close, but not that close. And I've got the heels, so I have to put the flip-flops on to run to the premiere in the Roland Marais.

It's raining. On a matter of peak. Mimi, my niece, has to hold my shoes. My patron Rupert Sonson. What was she wearing on her feet? Oh, you know, trendy, big, clumpy shoes that you'd wear. Oh, that's all right. That's the sensible thing about the young girl.

She held the shoes. We went running through the suit. We got there. We were running slightly late. Security guard had taken a bit too long over the dress. I bet. And got to the barriers. I couldn't get in

i said excuse me i'm meant to be going in there's people screaming stanley stanley tucci jennifer jennifer lawrence i couldn't get in i said to a policeman how do i get in nobody shouted emily i said how do i get in me me did i'd abandon her to get to the party blisters on her feet I'd abandon her to get to the party. Yeah, she had blisters on her feet. She was soaking wet. I'd abandon her to get to the party. Anyway, so the police... I said, how do I get in? The policeman said,

you'll have to just push on through, love. Good advice. To me. Do I look the kind of person that pushes on through? Did he say, move along, sir? He didn't say that. But... Push on through.

Yeah, I pre-prepared, because I noted... Last year, you had to queue for about an hour to get in, because you have to hand your phone in, because they don't trust that you're not going to record the movie or take photographs and all this stuff. When you say last year, do you mean the previous Hunger Games? Yes, exactly.

And so I thought I was dreading that queue. I saw on Twitter that a friend of Cathy's and mine, Richard, I think you're familiar with him, he's an agent. I saw Richard tweeted a picture of his tickets. Along with the tickets, the premier tickets, was a wristband saying, phone okay to enter. And I thought, why haven't I got one of

those? So, I got straight on the phone to the film company. I said, I think there's been a terrible mistake. The phone OK pass has been left out of my ticket allocation. Brilliant. They answered the phone mid-premier. No, not mid-premier.

This is earlier in the day. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. They said, I'm terribly sorry. And the pass came straight over. I had no business having one. It was for town island agents. Can I just tell Frank a little story? Yes.

Emily Dean came to my Soho theatre show on Saturday night. Oh, OK. And unbeknown to her, the bar after 11pm, which is when my show comes down, operates a we're only serving people who've got tickets for the show. So can you imagine the look on her face when after a show she was asked for a ticket at the bar. Have you got your ticket? And she looked at them as if to go, I don't have a ticket before the show. How dare you ask? I've ripped it up if I ever had one.

So you have to have a ticket for your show to drink at the bar? After it, after it. Must have been easy to get served. It's a licensing thing. Ouchie. They're buying in rounds. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Anyway, so I'm at the Hunger Games premiere. Having a marvellous time. You got in there. Well, I got my wristband for phone okay. Okay. I was so late by the time I flashed it. It went, no, you don't need that anymore, love. It's fine.

You just go straight to see. Embarrassing. We had a great evening. Great. There was at the party, which is obviously why one goes, really. Can I ask a question? Is Mimi's old enough to see Hunger Games, is she? Yes.

Okay. Mm-hmm. What certificate is it? It's some sort of test, isn't it? Do you represent the British Board of Film Censors? It's quite violent. I haven't seen this new one, but the first one... I believe in exposing them to violence.

I was more interested in... I was more interested in whether or not there were canapés at the Hunger Games. Yeah, it would have seemed wrong, wouldn't it? Would, yeah. Well, there were burgers at the Hunger Games. Were there? Yum. Yeah.

They were pinned to the walls by arrows. We were standing in the VIP area. I say VIP. Anyone could kind of walk in, really. But we're standing, and there's Donald Sutherland sitting down. What? Stanley Tucci, who I know you're a friend of, but still very exciting for me to see him.

Yeah, very exciting. And Mimi suddenly says, Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I said, What? She went, Look who it is! I said, Who? She went, Oh, my God, he's a YouTuber! Oh, no, not a YouTube sensation.

Yeah, a YouTube sensation. One of those that's about 15 and just goes on and on, does the top button of their shirt and then buttons it again. 18 million hits. Brilliant. These people are celebrities now. Are they? This is all they do.

They go, hey, guys, check you later, see you guys. And then they're celebrities. Yes. She was so excited by seeing the YouTube. And then what was the nature of this YouTube sensation? They have floppy hair and they call things like Ollie and Alex. They say, hey, guys. They don't do anything.

They usually do one thing. They just talk and say, oh, this has been my day. And it's been like... Have you done something? Groovy. Have you done something? Just a webcam thing. Nothing.

I'm just loving Frank's idea of a YouTuber. It's a brutal business, though, because they become major stars and then they're gone in a puff of smoke. Oh, I can't wait for that moment. That's the best. You went to a premiere as well. Well, I went to the reverse of a premiere. I went to The Last Knight. Oh, I can't wait for that moment. That's the best. You went to a premiere as well. Well, I went to the reverse of a premiere.

I went to the last night. Oh, was it? Oh, it was the last night of The Infidel. Of The Infidel. The swan song, the curtain call. Yes. The finale. Well, I mean, there's talk of a transfer. Oh, right.

Bosman. Manhattan. David Baddiel. Can I say I saw David Baddiel recently? Oh, yeah? Earlier in the week, yeah? Yeah. And he revealed something about your behaviour on the night.

Oh, go on. Go on, what did he say? Well, you might want to tell the listeners yourself. He said Frank Skinner cried. I did cry. You see, I love musicals. Have they lost your VIP response? No, I'll tell you what happened, is at the end of it,

because it was the last show, and it was really good and funny, and it was great. And so I didn't cry. I think I did get slightly teary towards the end because of the thing, but then the main actor came on and did this tribute to David Baddiel, and everyone in the theatre was clapping David Baddiel. Wow. He was surrounded.

There was like about 12 middle-aged Jewish women all around him, sort of touching him. It was like he was Moses. It was really... I've never been in such an intensely pro-David Baddiel place in my life. I mean, it was like he was an absolute, the saviour of the world. And everybody was turning to him and he was waving to the crowd. It was unbelievable.

I was just overcome by the whole thing. And I did weep. And it was a terrible thing because I was talking to him after and I sort of trapped him slightly by the door. So he ended up standing by the door as people were leaving. As if he was saying, goodbye, have a bit of cake. But I was standing next to him like I was some pathetic attempt to get a piece of the action. But really, it was incredibly moving.

It was his finest hour. And he stood there like he owned the place. Like it was his theatre. I can't believe we know someone that's written a musical, frankly. I know, but the love in that room. Oh, yeah. So it's called The Unsers Games. The new Jewish musical he's written.

A little joke for David Schneider there. Thank you. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have another email here. I thought we should... Do you want a quick call, Nusworth? Yeah, let's do it.

What about the other one? I sound great. You do? Yep. I'd put a pound it's a belch. Carry on. Hello, Frank, Em and Al. Regarding the fashion shredder, they've put that in quotes,

but I don't recall us talking about that No, I think I was away that week, possibly I think I was away Don't ask me about Lorraine This reminded me of an incident from the 90s Where my dad's best friend took one look at his daughter's miniskirt Ripped it off and threw it on the open fire Not so much fashion shredder as fashion fur

That's the best story I've ever heard in my life. And that girl was Cheryl Baker. Taking a Jamie Oliver style approach to parenthood, isn't it? Can I say it's a very retro dad's thing to do, isn't it? Ripped a skirt onto it on the fire, it's like a scene from Game of Thrones. And otherwise, I remember my dad's friend was a very calm, nice chap. Loved the show, loved Hattie. Well, Hattie's quite an insight. Hattie?

That's quite a middle-class name, actually, isn't it? Is it? Well, Hattie Jakes wasn't that middle-class, was she? Don't remember her much. She's the only other Hattie I can think of. Hattie Harry. There's a few Hatties. Well, it's an incredible story,

because presumably he felt she was revealing too much, you know, in his shirt, so he ripped it off and threw it on the fire. Took her and raised her. That's what he did. And left her in a brief. Yeah, I mean, who knows? Because we don't know when this happened exactly, do we?

No, she says in the 90s. Oh, OK. It was the Spice Girls. They were all wearing those little shirts then. Yeah, could have been hot pants, couldn't it? Hot pants in the fire. Do you know a similar thing happened to me? What happened?

When you tried to wear a miniskirt and your dad ripped it off. No, me and my mate. Frank Maloney years. In the days, in my drinking days when I had a very big beard, me and this mate, his grandad died and left behind a couple of large overcoats. I mean, large. And we took to wearing them.

Like two members of Jethro Tull. I mean, large. And we took to wearing them. Like two members of Jethro Tull. I mean, massive. And I loved it. We really did look like weird, like hippie nutcases. And I got home one night. My dad had already said a couple of times you look a right mess in that overcoat. And I got home one night.

He'd had a drink, me dad. Oh, dear. And he sort of, he pulled the overcoat off me, took it up the garden, and there was already a bonfire. He'd been, but, and he put it in the, on the bonfire. He didn't.

It wasn't even mine, it was my mate's dead, dead granddad's. Can I say how much I would have loved your father? I love him. Terrible thing was I had cigarettes in the pocket and I couldn't tell him because he didn't know I smoked. And it was quite... I didn't really have the money then

to spend on cigarettes because I had to spend it on drink. I like that you're more concerned about the fags when he set fire to a coat. No, but it was... Yeah, I'd paid for the fags. What did you say? You had to see the fags come up in smoke. Well, I did.

I remember standing in the smoke thinking, if I inhale that, I might get some of it. All I got was a terrible overcoat hit. An overcoat high. Overcoat high, wasn't that the name of that American... School. Yeah, teen school musical. Overcoat high. It's one of the colder areas of the... that American... School. Yeah, teen school musical. Bound to a bit. Over Kodai.

It's one of the colder areas of the... It's up north. So anyway, it's been a lovely Saturday morning. I've loved it. And coming up next is Pete Donaldson. Thank you very much for listening. And... How are you going to end it? I'd like to say goodbye now.