The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Rusty Bantz

Episode Date: October 6, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank returned this week and had much to discuss, including an incident with an intruder, Theresa May's awkward dance, Martin Bashir's back catalogue and there's a return of Nominative Determinism.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Big Daddy's back. Welcome. Thank you, yes. The whole place wasn't the same without you.

Shit. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, well, didn't I miss three shows or something? I know. Yeah, anyway. The readers were very worried. Were they? Yeah.

They should have been. I had pneumonia, for God's sake. Did you? Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, I know. Well, I did. I didn't even sake. Did you? Yeah. Shut up. Yeah, I know. Well, I did. I didn't even know that.

I haven't... It was an enigma wrapped inside an anorak. Yeah. Well, keep the doctor out of this. Yeah, I... I haven't had any banter for four weeks at all. I've barely spoken. You know what I mean to anybody?

So, can you let it give me a slight ramp this morning to banter land? Are you a bit Rusty Bants? Is that what we'll call you this morning? Is there a stage dwarf called Rusty Bants? I don't know. Can you still say stage dwarf? I've been away a long time.

Is this banter? I think you can say it before I got ill. Any alarm going off? Well, in the last three weeks, yeah, I'm afraid that's no longer... Do you know there was a point where I was having nine pills in one go? That was messy. Legend? Legend?

Is that wrong? I realised that it actually works a bit like Eleven's. It's like a little snack, nine pills. Quite a feeling. Takes the edge off your appetite. That's all right, isn't it? Yeah. It is, honestly.

Doesn't it? It constitutes a snack if you're having nine pills. So nine pills, so you'd have them in the morning? Yeah, I'd have nine in the morning and then I'd have some more later on. Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and talk about my illness. I did want to... I don't mind. It's better than hearing about people's problems.

I went to... Let's be honest. I went to the hospital and there was a woman sitting staring at me, an older sort of... I don't know, I would guess she was maybe Spanish or something like that. An older woman, very posh, lots of designer stuff. I know, but I'd come to visit you. She was older than you, even.

Oh, come on. And she said to me, I know you. And I said, oh, you might. She says, is your programme 1021? And of course I just said yes. I hadn't got the breath to argue. And she said yes, very nice. This is a great review.

Because I didn't have the heart to tell her it had been decommissioned. I mean, there was enough blateness in the waiting room. Never mind talking about the demise of 1021. Exactly, they were worried about their own demise. She might think you were on Beverly Hills 90210. It really looks like that. But if she's gone away thinking that

it's not the end of the world, is it? You could be a hunky prof in 90210, Frank. Yeah, I could. Yeah, maybe. I think you could. No. Come on. She means prof as in professor there. Yeah, I knew that., maybe. I think you could. No. Come on. She means prof as in professor there. Yeah, I knew that.

What else could that mean? I don't know. You know when you've been ill and you've been out of the game and you get a bit defensive? Yeah, I'm missing. So what do you mean? I understand things. Yeah, I don't get jokes anymore.

I honestly think we were talking earlier and I think Alan said, I don't think we should talk about this on this show. So here goes. And we were on about the theory that, you know when people are in a coma and they wake up speaking Chinese? You know that thing? Yeah, well, I had a view on that, didn't I?

Yeah, and I think... I don't believe it. I might have come out of pneumonia and just not be funny anymore. Yeah. It's terrifying. What am I going to do with myself? I mean...

Is there a story to compare it to, like Samson or something? Samson had his hair cut, didn't he? Oh, yeah. A really good stand-up career. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, it's a waste of time. You've got to be so careful with those minor amendments. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, it's a waste of time. You've got to be so careful with those minor amendments. Yeah.

Who was the one with Jennifer Grey from Dirty Dancing who had a nose job career and never the same again? Is that right? It gave her character. Wow. Had it been called snotty dancing, he could have understood it. At least Samson got himself a few column inches

for his stuff. Now, that's a biblical joke. Yeah. It doesn't do anything other than back up my theory. That's to be said. Oh, my God. Donald Trump would say I've missed joke. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've got to have whatever happened to you. Just saying words You can't remember whatever happened to you. It's the same words. Do you remember whatever happened to you, dear? I do remember whatever happened to me. We didn't change the show that much in your absence. We have got a running text in of, you know your old when, dot, dot, dot.

Oh, I thought that. Have you got misheard lyrics? I tried to start that before you went and you were having none of it. But then in your absence, I smuggled it in under the radar. That was our little dad's away. Let's have a midnight feast. We had a few midnight feasts. Gareth just started reading texts out.

I'd say, no, don't read that out. He just would do it. Yeah. Four days. Yeah, a couple of times. Oh, he won't be back. Did a birthday wish to someone, didn't he? He said, I want to do a birthday wish. I said, no, I don't. He said, but he's eight years old. I said, I don't be back. Did a birthday wish to someone, didn't he? He said, I want to do a birthday wish.

I said, no, I don't. He said, but he's eight years old. I said, I don't care. Yeah. We had a lot of eight-year-olds. Yeah. You know, we get the youth. Once you start that, next thing you know, you're Capital Radio.

Dave Batten has been in touch. Oh, yeah. With a whatever happened to. Hashtag whatever happened to Tide Marks after having a bath. Oh, yeah. He's obviously using matey. Do you remember I discovered that matey, which was its whole selling angle,

was that it cleaned the bath as well, which is matey bath foam. Yeah. And it doesn't anymore, because in the old days they used to put bleach in it to make it do that. And it was a children's bubble bath. No wonder the tips of my hair were a bit blonder when I was younger.

Exactly. So, yeah, I don't know. I still get... I don't really have baths anymore. No, you don't. I'm going to agree with Dave, and I think that's because people are much more fond of product now in a bath, whereas I think back in the 70s, perhaps perhaps people would actually just get into plain water so people

you don't get a line around the bath anymore after a bath well not if you're bathing in bubble bath which as i say i think people tend to do that more that what it is. But what about all your scales that come off? Well, there you go. Body debris. They just get absorbed into the magnolia bath oil. Oh, I didn't know that happened. I didn't know it had a scale absorbent. I didn't check the ingredients. I'm moving towards Frank's end of the bath spectrum.

I'm having fewer baths because I've noticed you know one of the joys of getting older you know you get older when but no one of the joys Frank if he tries to crowbar in he's going to do

no no I'm not going to keep doing it I promise but I do think this is sincerely one of the joys of getting older is just noticing stuff you don't like and stopping doing it

don't you think that's a here's a thing I have got a habit my partner certainly picked that one up I've got a habit. My partner certainly picked me up. I've got a habit of having a nice hot bath and on the way into it I think,

ooh, I'm going to have a nice hot bath. And then I get out of it really angry because the bath's been too hot and then the house is hot and the heating's on. I go downstairs and go, it's rusting in this house, let's turn the heating down. And I've realised it's all my own fault for having a too hot bath. I should just not have baths.

I'm having showers. The reason I stopped having baths is I ran a bath. In my house it takes maybe half an hour to run a bath. What? Does it? So after about ten minutes I thought, I'm going to go have a shower. I'll have a shower, why that's running.

Someone else can have it. When me and Kath first started going out I remember she'd have a bath. Why that's running? Someone else can have it. When me and Kath first started going out, remember, she'd have a bath and then I'd use her water. Oh, yeah. That's alright. That's all gone. Why it's not one, no? That's all gone. She wouldn't... Looking back, we never did it the other way around. No. Well, fair enough, love.

But why change the subject? Anyway. We've had a nominative determinism email. Well, I'm glad it really is like a walk down memory lane. Good morning, crew. Nominative determinism, by the way, is if you have a name which somehow affects the way you live your life,

like Gary Player becoming a golfer. Yes, exactly. Good morning, crew, or good evening if you're trolling Alan, and I was. It should have been Tiger Woods who was called Gary Platt. Yeah. Although Tiger Woods was close, of course. I mean, for becoming a golfer.

Yeah, exactly. Nominative determinism, does this count? Just wanted to check, my chiropractor is from Hong Kong and is called Brendan Au. I think that's... Pronounced O-W as in a shortened version of ouch. It always makes me smile. And him, when he introduces himself as Dr. Ow,

does this count? I think so. I think that's nailed on. That's perfect. Yeah. Can I... You know, it's never occurred to me before that ow is an abbreviation of ouch.

Does ouch stay is an abbreviation of ouch. Does ouch need an abbreviation? Also, when you say ouch, to be able to have the self-possession to stop midway through ouch and think, do I need the last... I will do, I will make my point.

Yes, that's never occurred to me. I'm never going to use ouch again. I'm just wasting my own time. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've inadvertently started another nominative determinism. I love it when we do things inadvertently. Well, it's certainly happened that way.

174 has texted, Frank, my GP is called Dr Coffin. Has to go by the name of Dr Matt. Are you spelling that? Either would do. Yeah, true enough. C-O-F-F-I-N. Okay.

So, not great news for the patient. He says... That so sounds like someone out of the Beano. Yes, it does, doesn't it? Dr Coffin, yeah? Or it could be like a Marvel supervillain. It says here that he has to go by the name of Dr Matt because it's so unnerving.

But how do you know then? Oh, Dr Matt's a bit unnerving as well. Dr Matt's a bit more welcoming. Oh, lovely. He's back, ladies and gentlemen. He's back. Still on the ramp. Do you know what? After a brief more welcoming. Oh, lovely. He's back, ladies and gentlemen. He's back. He's back, yeah. Oh, God.

Still on the ramp. Do you know what? After a brief hiatus. Yeah, but I kind of miss the old Rusty Bantz. Oh, yeah. I was enjoying his company. I wonder if he's still working. A couple of links where he couldn't banter.

I think he was in Snow White at Brighton Pavilion. That could be gossip. Yeah. Oh, my God. Lee from Stoke. When nominative determinism goes wrong, he was once taught by someone called Mr Dyed, who is no longer with us.

I mean, at one point, his name was always going to be an issue. Yeah. I'm not sure about Mr Dyed. I think I'd change my name. Is it D-I-E-D? Are you wondering what his hair colour was? No. I'm wondering if you ever tried stand-up.

There you go. Oh dear. So speaking of a hair colour, I went to I picked Buzz up from school this week. Buzz is my, in case you've never heard of me, I have a six-year-old child.

I know. And I went to pick him up, and on the wall of his classroom is a feature, I don't know what you call it, a project they did, called Role Models, in which each child has picked a role model and done a drawing

and written some stuff about them you know, there's sort of stuff you can tell when there's a bit of parental involvement when it's like Edith Cavell a six year old still big no disrespect to Edith Cavell etc if she's listening

she won't be listening. But I saw her this morning, absolutely glowing. Yes, I can imagine it's very darling, you know who you want to put on there. Yeah, exactly. So, anyway, Boz chose Ben Stokes,

which recently charged with the violent Afrayider nightclub, which I thought was... And then cleared, wasn't he? He was, yes, of course. Just in case. Yeah, that video evidence was extremely misleading as it turned out.

And he said, you know, I pick him because he's a very good batter and a very good bowler and also he's got the same colour hair as me. I thought that's great. And I thought you know we can all dwell on people's faults but it was really I was really pleased with him as far as like an alternative view of the world. I mean

you know as role models go it's just that topically it was controversial but I was very happy with it. He's a great cricketer. And we'll forgive him a bit of street violence for that surely. Lovely. So he was cleared for? Yeah, he was cleared

for. Yeah, yeah. I saw it happening. I thought he was exposed as a goody in that story. I must have missed it. This has gone into a strange area. Let's not get too much into the forensics of this. Come on, guys.

Bring back Rusty Bantz. This is Rusty Bantz, in a way. This is a bit Newsnight Bantz. No, you're right. Anyway, God bless him. God bless him. God bless him. I went to a disco called The Big Apple in the 80s,

and it was in Devon. First time I'd ever been to a night spot outside London, and it never happened again, until much later in my life, I should say. Yeah. Because I was so shocked. The DJ, they turned all the lights off at 12, there was garden furniture, white garden chairs,

and then he played New York, New York, and said, it's good night and God bless from all of us at the Big Apple. Good night and God bless from a DJ. I didn't get that with Judge Jules at the ministry. That's very nice. Do you ever drive past those? I'm driving through London

and I see posters and they say things like MC Nicaragua and things like bleep world. What is that? What is it, person? And it's like a list of about six things

and I think, is this an album or an event? What is it? Very bad posters, no pictures. Names like Mount Whirlpool. You know, just anything. Any combination of words. And is it just the picture of them? No, there's no pictures.

Oh, I see. Just the name. I don't even know what it is. Are they music artists or DJs or producers? What are they up to, though? Daisy will know. I wonder. Should we go?

Are they artistes, Daisy? Next time you see one, take a photo of it and we'll go. They don't have that thing to rip off. Do you remember that thing? The thing about earning money from home when you could rip off a little? Or jobs. Yeah, they don't have any of Lose White Today. Lose White Now Ask Me How.

Lose White Today have given up on that campaign. Yeah, but... The modern club scene isn't using the rip a bit of our leaflet. Can I ask you something about the club things you're talking about? Do they have a date as well underneath them? 19th, 01... I think they have a date as well underneath them? 19th, 01? I think they have. I think I never get...

There's so many names on them, no pictures. I mean, it's like a school register. Yeah. Overhanging garden playing somewhere. I don't mind them. No, they're all right, but I mean... I'm not such a fan, but personal preference. You know, we all do it our own way, darlings.

I wouldn't pay to see it, let's put it that way. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. We've been talking about telly during the break, Frank. Can I just say, that was actually low chimes with Dust Will Blow. I did that old DJ mistake. When I say old DJ, I don't mean like MC... Whirlygig.

Yeah, MC Whirlygig on that poster. Put some pictures on the poster. What are the pictures? See what we're getting. I don't think there's any pictures, just names. Don't they have like stars or something?

Do they do like five stars? No, they don't. They don't go with reviews. They're so bourgeois. No, they don't have any stars.

I don't understand any of it. It might as well be in a, you know, it's a different world to me. God bless them. I hope they have a lovely time. Whatever it is. It might be an album. A lot of blessings as well be in that you know it's a different world to me god bless them out they have a lovely time whatever it is it might be an album a lot of blessings

might be you know missing persons for all i know um i don't think it is i've got a question though got a whatever happened to uh has popped in uh dear frank and the team whatever happened to and then a lot of dots as if to create suspense, the passenger of a car adjusting the wing mirror with their hand out of the window whilst being directed by the driver. Oh, yeah. Because that's all that's but machinery now. We know what happened, yeah.

It got mechanised. No, but that is, it's nice, that. Or doing it yourself, even, would you? The nearside one. Well, I sometimes fold in my wing mirror. You know, if you're parked on a tight street. Oh, you're very cautious. I am, I'm very cautious.

Use a parking light. Well, hang on, doesn't it? Does it fold in automatically when your car locks? No. Oh, mine does. Not on mine. Actually, what about this? Parking lights.

We did it. Did we do it? Oh, did we? Sorry, I've been ill. Oh, Rusty Vance. Oh, Rusty Vance, you should have. I'm sure we did it. I don't want to just shoot your idea down.

I thought it was the ammonia. I must make the Zamnesia. I misheard it. I think it was about a month ago. Oh, shame, Rusty. Oh, no. Let's just walk away. You know what?

On the plus side, Rust, what you have got in abundance is a lovely old TV knowledge. You've watched everything. Frank's got that slight post-ill thing. Have you seen that? Yeah, I've seen that. Oh, yeah, I've been watching a lot of telly.

He's seen it all. I watched... I sat in a hotel room in Inverness, which is where I got ill. And I'd had four sat in a hotel room in Inverness, which is where I got ill. And I'd had four days in there. I've not been able to read, just in bed, just staring at darkness. And then I actually felt well enough to watch the telly. And I sat down, I watched a thing...

There was a meteor heading towards the Earth and the scientists got one of the shortest skirts I've ever seen. It was like an old 1960s thing. I thought, wow, scientists used to wear skirts like that. And then I turned over and Jack Palance was a Scotsman in something. And then I turned over again and I was watching Amos Burke's Secret Agent. It was just all happening and then I finally ended up on a western

with Joel McRae as Bat Masterson and there's a bit where he has this gun fight and he says that short walk to the street he said to this woman that short walk to the street is the difference between a man and a rabbit and I thought,

you know, biology was still in its infancy in those days. But I sat in this hotel room thinking, what is the sort of success rate for Have A Go Heroes? I've never seen that

written down. Because you only read about when it goes wrong but all the brilliant have a go heroes when it comes off you must have done it Al oh I'm always been a have a go hero

you've got a have a go hero written all over him I haven't at all if we were walking if we were walking to brunch and I saw an old lady being attacked I would just

I hope you'd help me I would just as a friend depends who's attacking I think I'd just I hope you'd help me I would just as a friend depends who's attacking I think I'd just I'd just hold out an index finger for Al to hang his coat on

knowing that he would go in and leave them looking like rubble I don't like this sort of talk because I feel like in the unlucky event that that happened

when I scarpered no you wouldn't no you'd be there. Oh, no, I don't like this chat. Also, yeah, I mean, do you feel we're putting you in some MMA box? Yeah, yeah. What's the MMA? Oh, mixed martial arts.

It's that mixed martial arts thing that folk do. I think we're slightly... I thought about it when I came in this morning. I thought, I'm not that well. If Al went postal in the studio... It's always a risk. He could kill all of us. No, I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I'm not sure. No, you couldn't. But I think we are... I'm not saying we're in danger. I'm saying if Al just lost it, he could kill us all. I think my skills may be being exaggerated here. Well, also, I mean, what worries me is I've always thought the martial arts thing was supposed to be sort of slightly restrained by a spiritual framework,

which Al doesn't have. I mean, I think atheist martial arts is an accident waiting to happen, isn't it? Eh? It's like a tinderbox. I just want to get this on air so if there's any doubt about what happened, let's regard something official. We've had a missive

haven't we Al from someone, well I'm going to hand over to you as the driving correspondent. The people in the VW camper van. Our camper van friends, 581 has texted, dear Frank, Emily and Alan, we are listening to you as the driving correspondent. The people in the VW camper van. Our camper van friends, 581 has texted, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, we are listening to you from our VW camper, currently in a convoy of 350 Classics

heading to Brighton, and had just gone through a driver directed manual wing mirror adjustment, seconds before the whatever happened to. Eerie timing, but we're happy to confirm this is still one of the many delights of owning an old vehicle. Praise redacted.

Shannon and Eamon. If you want to complete the nostalgia, someone would have nicked the VW. Well, I have a theory about camper vans, but they're disproving it. My theory about camper vans is that everyone that's got one wants to sell it. That's interesting, because

I think that everyone who hasn't got one thinks, I wouldn't mind a camper van. Yeah. I was talking about it again boss my six-year-old was saying, why don't we get a camper, we could just go on holiday any time we like. But I always imagine it'd be overturned by youths

and set fire to them and you wouldn't be able to get out the door and you'd, you know, perish. You can get a bit bleak, can't you, at your imagination? Well, I just think I just think in modern Britain people wouldn't be allowed to sleep like that without being menaced. I mean, shame.

What was it, Shannon and Eamon, they seem to be living to tell the tale. Yeah, Shannon and Eamon have a lovely time by the way, Don't worry about... They've adopted a safety in numbers of 340 of them, but they're safety. 350? Yeah, they wouldn't dare go on their own.

There's a combo of 350 classics. You want to know my other theory? I've only got two theories about things. Go on. My first theory is... Well, not about all things. That's it, that's it. I've got two theories.

And the first one is that everyone that's got a camper van wants to sell it and everyone that's got a record player needs a needle. That's my other one. When you talk to people... What do you mean, they're drug people? Drug people? Yeah, you might be right. You're close on that.

Frank. They're the only ones. Drug people. He's got rusty bands. He uses terminology that nobody else uses. Drug people. I have gone a bit... I'm sort of about to relearn language.

Something... I can't... I haven't got time to tell you. After the news, I'll tell you a bizarre instant. OK. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So I was sitting in my living room, which is sort of a garden level. It's my kitchen com living room. Is it what, garden level? Yeah. Oh, I thought you said guarding level. No, no, garden. You'll see where that was at.

No, garden level. Garden? No, garden. Okay. And I was sitting with Boz, and we were just chatting. And, again, Boz is my six-year-old son. And there's like what you'd call like a patio door, like a glass door to the garden.

I'd give you French windows for what you've got. Okay. So suddenly there's a bloke standing outside. And he's doing that. You know when you shield your eyes so you can see through a window? Yeah. So he's looking in to the thing. What is it, in your garden?

In my garden, looking through there. I mean, leaning against the door. So I said, and like like i say i've been ill and i said uh who are you who are you and this bloke said oh uh sorry i said well what what what you're doing and he said sorry mate like through This is through the door. And I said, well, sorry, I'm lost. And I said... Was it David Baddiel? I said, what? I said, what, in my garden?

And he said, yeah, sorry, I got lost. He's just telling me where the street is. And I said, it's a bit suspicious, this, mate, isn't it? We sang this through the glass. Yeah. Well, I didn't want to go outside and buzz with me, and I wanted to's a bit suspicious this, mate, isn't it? Are we saying this through the glass? Yeah. Well, I didn't want to go out because I had boss with me and I wanted to keep a bit of separation. And I said, it's a bit suspicious.

And he said, I know, sorry, sorry about that. Can you just tell me how to get onto the streets? And I said, I just find this suspicious that you're here and he said no I know I'm really sorry but again

the streak I said look you have to go down there and the gate was locked and I thought I'm not going to I said you have to climb over the gate

which is quite you know so anyway Kath came down I said what's going on and I said oh well so she arrived. So then I went out to see this bloke.

Oh, you're brave, man. He's climbing over the... Well, I didn't... It didn't feel brave. Anyway, he was climbing over the gate. And he said to me, it's quite high. He said it's a bit higher than I thought.

And he did look quite... And I said, well, the whole thing's weird. It was such a weird conversation. Just three questions. Age range, roughly? I'd say he was about 30. Most important of all, clothes? He had clothes. He was very jeans, clothes? He had clothes.

He was very jeans, t-shirt, If he hadn't had clothes, I think that would have been a detail that you should have shared earlier in his tale. You know, cropped hair and scarring on the neck that looked like he might have slipped the noose. At some point. I don't know if

people still do that. He had some fabric on his fingers. I didn't notice his fingers still do that. Did he have love and hate written on his fingers? I didn't notice his fingers. We'll check with Albert Pierpoint's granddaughter, who's a contributor to the show. So then what happened, Frank? So he was saying, this is actually much higher than I thought,

and I said, well, be careful. And I thought, what am I saying? What a weird world. What am I saying? I almost actually became concerned. I didn't want him to fall off this thing. Anyway, he got some footing and he disappeared. And I thought, right, he's gone.

And then his head came back up and he said, anyway, thank you for being so understanding. And then he went. Okay. So then Kath came in. I said, why didn't you take his photograph I said well I never thought about it

and then everybody my mother-in-law, the estate agent from down the road came up all telling me what I should have done and how I should have handled it but I just it just seemed like someone that was just a bloke was passing through

they were telling me off just a bit when Buzz tried to defend me and he said well you did tell him off And it just seemed like someone that was just, you know, a bloke was passing through. Yeah. They were telling me off. There was a bit when boss tried to defend me and he said, well, you did tell him off, to be fair. Good. Well, what if he could have... Listen, he could have been... And then boss said to me, after, I wish it had been Harry Kane.

I said that would have been... That would have been particularly odd. Crawling through people's curtains. But he's right, though. It would have been particularly odd. Crawling through people's curtains. But he's right, though. It would have been better. I don't know if it would have been... Well, I suppose it would have been better in the... I'd have been better in the ID parade.

It's a great autograph opportunity, if nothing else, whilst he's stuck on the gate. I would have felt better, but I wouldn't have said... Yeah, but then he might have said, sorry, no selfies. You'd have opened the gate for Harry. No, I wouldn't expect an England international to climb. What if he'd done a hamstring?

I'd like to think he's got the athletic ability to get over the gate that perhaps this chap didn't. With a leap. He looked quite... Did he look athletic? Now, my theory... He was very slim. ...about this chap is he had...

Did he have bags with him? No, he had nothing. Well, this is the thing. Yet. Well, this is the thing. Are we sure this isn't some affair gone wrong? Because that's my first assumption. Well, I did think...

He's been called inflagrante. The man's got no bags. There'd be no other reason for you to be running through gardens. And he was awkward and embarrassed. Thank you. Let's just hope it wasn't in your house. I assumed, you know. I assumed he was awkward and embarrassed. Thank you. Let's just hope it wasn't in your house. I assumed, you know. I assumed he was just an opportunist burglar.

If there'd been no one in, he would have come in and taken my 12 Doctor Who action figure. That's definitely the first thing people would want. Boz has got that panini sticker book now. If he'd have took that panini sticker book, Boz would have tracked him down to the ends of the earth. So it was a weird thing, but I think if I'd been well, it would have been a different experience.

But as it was, it was like, mate, what are you doing? Yeah. It was very odd. You know what you were, Frank? You were a bit rusty, have-a-go hero. Yeah, I was very, very... I didn't really have a slightly reprimand hero yeah but it was it was a strange event all around but nobody got hurt he didn't fall off the gate

yeah and boss drew an identikit picture after which was oh good pretty amazing i have to say that's useful yeah Yeah. Potentially. Yeah. In fact, he'd noticed the design on his T-shirt, which I hadn't picked up at all. Kids, I had to see all the... Wow, that's my kind of guy, can I just say. It wasn't covered in arrows, was it? It was just hooped.

I hadn't even spotted the mask. Very. Oh, if only he'd had that. I don't know where I was then. There was still parts Oh, if only he'd had that. But not swag. I don't know where I was then. There was still parts of me that thought he was lost. Well, back in the day,

burglars, you know, they had the swag neatly printed. Was it on the bag or the T-shirt? Yeah, the swag was the bag. Swag bag.

Perhaps he identified as a cat. I don't know. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio we've had a missive in from Sarah or Sarah

Johnson regarding your story about the intruder oh yeah it's a nice rustling I like that oh sorry no I enjoy it

you know what I've got a half eaten bag of crisps that are driving me crazy I like a rifle. Frank's story reminds me of children's book Mog, who catches a burglar, then the family sit around drinking cups of tea until the police arrive.

I mean, I love those days. Yeah, well, somebody said I should have called the police immediately, but what would that... Do they do anything nowadays? Don't they say, well, not much we can do, we'll put it on a list? Yeah, probably.

Next time I see them, they'll be on to DJ Mount Snowden. Well, I'll tell you what they do, which happened to me when someone tried to steal my phone once from a moped, and they sent round, like, a counsellor to help you. Oh, really? As a victim of crime, yeah. So that's what you would have had. I didn't feel very victimed.

So I was alright with it. 017 has gone straight to the point. He came to burgle you dot dot dot twit. I don't know if that means you or the burglar. I knew that was a possibility. Yeah, I think he may think, the person

that sent this may think that that's a surprise to you. No, well, I think it's on my list of options. Yeah. But I'd like to think there's a possibility that he was lost. Well, 559 says, many years ago at my parents' house, we had a runner who looked like they were in a race go through our garden. As a child, I lived next to a field with a hole in the fence at the point of the garden. A runner with a number on the back.

118, Matt. That was somebody. Isn't that somebody taking a shortcut? An illegal shortcut. Yeah, sounds like it. We did have a man who was... He was naked. I'm not going to lie.

A naked man? He was naked. In your garden? Yes. We used to live in a... Different times. Yeah. Not in our back garden.

It was our... Oh, no, that would be disgusting. Yeah. Get it out and visible in front of the whole street. He was in the front garden. And he said he was Adam and he was looking for his Eve. Did he really? He did.

And my father then attempted to talk to him about the Bible, I think. Oh, really? Well, just I thought, I think he thought he might maybe try and reason with him and get him off the property. Yeah. He left, he was fine. They put a blanket over him. It was a very 70s thing to do.

Yeah, it was. It was murderous and that used to get old. It's a good job you weren't wearing a snake belt. Yeah, I had, at a previous place I lived, a woman suddenly appeared at my window. Young woman. Yeah, but to be fair. I had to let her out.

No, it's not that one. And I went, whoa, which is one of... I had to let her out. No, it's not that one. And I went, whoa! It's one of those I wasn't expecting. And I told her, and she said, I've got to wait here for Martin. We've arranged to meet here. I said, what, in my garden? And she said, yeah, I've got to wait for Martin.

And I said, how long have you been here? She said, about two days. What? And she said, I've been sleeping under here? She said, about two days. What? And she said, I've been sleeping under the car. Oh, my God. So then I got alarmed. I could see a bit of oil on her.

I thought I'd like to get that seen, too. You know, she had this, like, rainbow. You know the rainbow you get from that? Yeah, you don't want that. So the oil. And then I did call the police, because you don't want, I mean, young women in the garden. No. People will talk.

Exactly. I don't want anyone. So, the police came and she said, I can't go, I've got to meet Martin. And remember the copper said, Martin's not coming. And I thought, well. How does he know? You know what I'd have loved?

I'd have loved it if Martin Kemper turned up at that point at the police station to whisk her off in a limo. Martin Keown. It was him that set off the North London footballer garden crawl in the culminating in Harry Kane turning up at my French window. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Come and see something that happened to me this morning, by the way. Go on. When I got out, I get a car in here of a morning. Oh, yeah. And the driver was one of those blokes, actually. This is not what I was going to tell you.

You know those people? You know what I would call the as-he-noticed drivers, where there's a red light and they just drive up to it at absolutely full speed and then brake at the last minute. Or the brake light's in front. My kind of guy. Oh, man.

I love those guys. I don't like those guys. I like that. I felt like I had a cardiovascular workout by the end of it. Anyway, I got out the car and this bloke gets, I heard another car door go behind me. I thought, here we go. Is it Rag Week?

And, um... Do they still have Rag Week? Yeah, I think they do. Do you remember the universities? Yeah. Everyone used to kidnap people, do you remember that? Oh, the kidnapping, that was the bit I didn't make the connection to. Yeah, and, um... This bloke said, will you sign my book? And bear in mind, it's like ten to seven in the morning.

And I thought, I wonder what book it is. So it's the Taskmaster book. Oh, yeah. Taskmaster, the very popular Dave, what do you call it game show yeah it's a television show comedy show yeah it's very very brilliant show and um i was um i was original cast yeah well yeah anyway um he said can you sign my book and i said uh yeah and he said uh he's trying it on this page, he said, because one of the tasks it sets is that you have to get ten celebrity signatures. Oh.

He said, but if you get someone who's been on the show, it's a double score. And I said, were you just passing or have you been waiting? He said, no, no, I've been waiting, waiting for you to arrive. Right. But for four weeks. No. So him and a mate had got a competition waiting for you to arrive. Right. But for four weeks. So him and a mate had got a competition and this was his.

So then I took my photo with the book to absolutely prove it was an authentic altogether. Oh, I like that he went to that. Yeah, I like him. You know what, you put a little bit in. It says a lot about the Taskmaster old thing. That's the sort of people with the tracks, the people who will sit in a car

quarter to seven of a Saturday morning to do the task, so yeah. Yeah, so I think we'll see someone next Saturday as well. Yeah. I think it's exactly that kind of crowd. Yeah. Whilst we mention the... Maybe that's why the bloke was in my garden.

Yeah, he just forgot. Was that one at the top? He got so starstruck. Oh no, I forgot my book. That's the trouble withke was in my garden. Yeah, he just forgot. Was that one at the top? He got so starstruck. Oh, no, I forgot my book. That's the trouble with being a drug person. You know, you get so absent-minded. That's exactly what drug people are very absent-minded, right? They're so absent-minded, the drug people.

They're such silly billies. Apologies to any drug people that are listening that feel offended by this. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to upset them. No. Can we just take a little moment to thank Leighton who sent me a Sport Direct mug. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. Thanks, Leighton. Yeah, that's... He's a nice one of your little friends. Yeah, yeah. I was in Sports Direct the other night. The other night? Yeah.

What time? What, at ten o'clock? Frank gets them to shut the whole store and goes round it on his own. And then I got interviewed by Michael Bashir. What a dull... Just in front of some Donny tracksuits or something. What would the ratings be for Martin Bashir interviewing me about pneumonia

after I'd had a night as a private shopper in Sports Direct? You'd get most of this room, but I'm not sure about the white one. Imagine them having to cut the trailer package. Yeah, exactly. And then next thing I knew... And you're going to buy those sweatpants. I went to JD Sports in Camden. I said, have you got football boots in his size for my child?

And they said, we don't sell football boots. So what? It's a national sport. It's the national sport. And also to say that to the man who brought football home. Oh, come on. So, yeah, so I went to go to the sports director. That's my story.

Martin. What I'm saying is there are two sports shops in this marriage. Tonight, only on ITV. Did Bashir, did Jacko, didn't he? I got that right. And he did our Queen of Hearts. And he did Queen of Hearts. He did the Queen of Hearts. He did...

He did King of Pop. Oh, he did King of Pop, King of Hearts. King of Pop, Queen of Hearts. Did he do anyone else, Bashir? He only does people with of. No, he's done other ones. No, no, he did King of Pop, Queen of Hearts, done. That was it.

That was his rule. Did he do the Prince of Wales? Lovely career, hasn't it? He's only done the two. Yeah, he did all those. And, yeah, I think he did Fruit of the Loom. The man behind, the mastermind behind Fruit of the Loom. I don't know what happened to him.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. We've got a question in, Frank. It's by email, and the email is entitled Food! Hi guys, Frank, you've often said that you don't enjoy eating food, but in Travelman you wolfed it down with some gusto. Was it the fresh air?

I think it was partly the freeness. Oh. No, you know what? I think what I particularly... I think they're referring to the fondue that I had. Oh, right. And I hadn't had a fondue, honestly, for 30 years probably. And you missed it?

They are brilliant. Oh, I saw that. I loved it, Frank. I've forgotten they were brilliant. It's very triste. What about you got baptised or something? Who, Frank? I can't do. I got baptised by Dada.

I had a Dada baptism. Yeah, that was quite exciting. Yeah. I made my own Swiss Army knife. Did you? yeah that sounds good oh it's brilliant

yeah I don't know whether it's very hard to know how to get it home because I only took hand luggage oh that is difficult oh put it in Iowardies

I would have yeah that's what I did in the end yeah I would have it's fine with me he had a whole set it's a brilliant thing though that it's the That's what I did in the end. Yeah, I would have. It's fine with me. He had a whole set. It's a brilliant thing, though, that.

It's the... Swiss Army Night Flight Review. Yeah. It is very good. It's really... The bloke that come up with that, I suppose the Swiss Army were not the busiest in the 20th century. Oh, so he had time on his hands. Yeah.

Stuff to do, didn't he? And it's a bit like having a mobile phone. It's got all different things to do. I imagine it was like the mobile phone in the early 20th century. Yeah. So you'd sit, if you're in a doctor's waiting room, you'd start, you know, cutting your nails or something like that. Or whittling.

Yeah, that'd be good. I'm all for that. Yeah. I bet whoever inventedick. That'd be good. I'm all for that. Yeah. I bet whoever invented it was a brilliant packer. Yes. Hey, I'd like to get that. Anyway, by the way, the Phillips screwdriver. Yeah.

Which I've got on my Swiss Army knife. Oh, no, just name dropping. Were they invented simultaneously, the Phillips screwdriver and the Phillips screw? Or did someone invent the Phillips screw and think... Oh, yeah. Oh, I really... The old tradition will do any work as well with these cross things. Maybe we need one that's sort of...

It's borderline a new version of the chicken and the egg question. It is, yeah. It is. The Phillips screw and the Phillips... What came first, the Phillips screw or the plate tool? I think we'll look back on this and call it the egg question. It is, yeah. It is. The Phillips screw and the Phillips... What came first, the Phillips screw or the plate? I think we'll look back on this and call it the screwdriver link. That's my idea. Yeah, you might be right.

Well, let me end it with a slight change. Because I've been in the house for a long time, I ended up watching the Mercury Music Awards with my mother-in-law, who is 76. What did she win? I With my mother-in-law, who is 76. What did she win? I love your mother-in-law, because I know Sandy Mason would have had, I know what she would have been wearing as well.

Well, we said she favours a sort of Star Wars chic. Yeah, Jedi chic. Yeah, Jedi chic. She does go for that. But anyway, we had a very nice evening, and she was quite into it, you know. There was a band on who were quite very cool, sort of grimy type thing, and they had woolly hats on.

And she said, oh, their mums have had the knitting needles. And I thought, you don't get this in the commentary. No. But the highlight for me, and I don't want to be unkind because she is a bit hard of hearing, I'll be straight with you, and I don't want to be unkind because she is a bit hard of hearing I'll be straight with you and I don't want to mock that but even so

I'll go on through occasions if it's an absolute classic you just have to overlook that so they said and we're going to have Wolf Alice on later and she said

I thought he was in prison and I thought you couldn in prison and I thought you couldn't have written, I mean that you couldn't have if that was in a sitcom I would have thought that's a masterpiece but happening live at my heart's

side, I mean for a man with no money that could have killed me Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ricky's been in touch. Oh, yeah. Hey!

Hey, yeah. I hope it's him. What's his name? I like that house now famous for saying, What's up? And Ricky. Your JD sports story... What's he called?

Sid. Sid Owen. Sid Owen, yeah. Your JD sports story reminded me of when I tried to buy a pair of football boots in a branch in Chester. I was told, Sorry, mate, we don't sell them. This is a fashion emporium.

What? What? Maybe they should call it JD Fashion Emporium then. That's a great use of Emporium. Really misleading. I would not anticipate that in a JD Sports. Emporium? Really misleading.

Like some Terry Gilliam film. Exactly. I mean, who do you think you are, JD Sports? Okay, well, yeah. We've had 437 text in with a possible explanation for your garden intruder Frank, perhaps that guy

was scrumping the old fashioned pursuit of nicking apples No, I know what scrumping is I do too, but You didn't know that? I've heard of scrumpy It comes from the same root What about when our dog died and my dad I've heard of scrumpy alright it comes from the same from the same root yes now I've worked that out

what about when our dog died and my dad buried it buried it under the apple tree because he said a dead dog improved the flavour of the fruit oh

and did it I couldn't pick up on it he also found he found a part of a tree he found a section of tree tree. It's like the dish after thirst. He found a section of tree that, when it became twilight, in profile, it looked like the dog that had died. So he put that over the grave, and he put the dog's collar on it where the collar would have been.

So it was like a modern art interpretation of this dog as it worked on the fruit improvement subterranean-ly. Oh. There you go. That's an interesting way of expressing his grief. Yeah, I thought so. Yeah. When the dog died, he left me a message at work.

We've had a message from your dad. He said he's got some terrible news. That was the message he left. from your dad. He said he's got some terrible news. That was the message he left. I mean,

who leaves a message like that? Who leaves that message? Sir Nicholas II. That's the only person

I take that from. Wow. So when he said the dogs died, I said, oh, thank God for that. And then he got upset. Yeah. I remember when he described, I died, I said, oh, thank God for that. And then he got upset.

Yeah. Oh. I remember when he described, I'll tell you this, how he described it on the phone. It was terrible because he was really upset and the dog had, and this was anyone whose dogs died recently, et cetera. Which one is this, was this chef or cow? This was chef.

Yeah. But he said to me, I found him this morning lying by the telephone. I said, do you think he's trying to call an ambulance? I mean, I couldn't, I was so relieved that it wasn't a human being. I know some people feel that animals and human beings are on a level par. I know. No, it was a terrible, I shouldn't really tell you on air, but he said he went out.

He said, I let him out last night to do his business. I heard this splashing sound. I said, well, you would. Yeah. And he said... No, he said he'd fell in the pond. Oh, that's a shame. He had a little, like, a front pond. Oh, that's quite grand.

That sounds like Brighton who visited you. No, he was a little child. He only just about got in the dog. We didn't have a pond. I think the dog was wedged. Oh. And he said I was wedged. Oh. And he said I gave him artificial respiration. Did he?

I thought you're pushing me to the limit here of not laughing at the dead dog story. Oh, anyway. Can I say it was 18? Yeah, yeah, it's a good inning, isn't it? It's a good inning for a dog. We had a lot of fun out of him. That was nice for you. Yeah, yeah, it's a good inning, isn't it? I mean, you know, God bless him. We had a lot of fun out of him. Oh, that was nice for you.

Yeah, exactly. That's what they're for. When I die. Why do people buy them? When I die, can you not say at my funeral, we had a lot of fun out of her. All right, everyone, thanks for coming. Good night.

That's why people buy dogs. I mean, we bought, you know, we couldn't, there was no laptops. That's what you bought. You bought a dog for entertainment. It's an entertainment centre. Still talking about it now. Exactly.

It's a gift that keeps on giving. It's been dead, you know, for 35 years. I'm still telling stories about it now. I mean, it is a gift that keeps on giving. Yeah. And I've got a whole host. I could do a shout. We could do a one-off podcast, Chef Stories.

But anyway, I'm not going to do that. What's happening next? What does that signify? Oh, that means we have to move on. I've forgotten how to do this show. I'm so sorry that you've had to come back on my retraining day to listen to this, everyone. But, you know, it'll be all right in the end.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. As indeed we are a hard-hitting, topical, political satire show, I feel like it's only right that we should discuss the Tory party conference and Theresa May's dancing onto the stage. Did you see this? Yeah, I did like it's only right that we should discuss the Tory party conference and Theresa May's dancing onto the stage. Did you see this?

Yeah, I did see it, yeah. Well, of course he's seen everything. He's one of them telly addicts now. He's been watching a lot of telly. Well, I'm one of them telly addicts. Oh, man, I'm... Yeah, exactly. I had a mate who worked on that, telly addicts. Worked with them all, eh?

Stop boasting, Frank. He's worked with them all. I'll tell you what one of the things that they say I'm a poor dancer and people the advice

people who can dance give and it's general life advice it's like that what's that book about eat soup love

eat pray love but I like your soup in there yeah maybe I'm thinking of chicken... Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup for the soul.

They're all the same book. Eat, pray, love. Feel the fear and do it anyway. All of these, we're just going to list them. Sort of inspirational titles. Yes. The Power of Now. That's all I think.

Yeah. I've read The Power of Now. Oh, have you? Yeah. I didn't feel it was right to put a bookmark in it. No. Hear ye. Anyway, the advice is dance like there's no one watching.

It was the worst example of that. I think she danced like there was no one voting. I think it was dance like you're being severely scrutinised. It was like she'd arranged to go on dancing and then at the last minute I thought maybe I won't do the dancing thing and then thought, oh maybe I will, maybe

I won't. And it was a terrible some half way house between dancing and not dancing. She had arranged it because she'd put Dancing Queen on. Yeah, but I think she She had arranged it, because she'd put Dancing Queen on. Yeah, but I think she arranged to do it, but then maybe thought, oh, maybe I'll just come on to Dancing Queen

and that'll be enough. Well, can I just settle the dispute? Because, well, I'm not really buying what they're selling, because they said, they being the Conservative press office, said, no, it was a totally spontaneous decision by her. And then someone said well why did you play dancing queen and they said because it's one of her favorite songs maybe on desert island discs maybe on the wing she got it up on apple music and said put this put this

through the play i've had an idea yeah yeah it's just it's a tricky one isn't i mean i like that she does the dance though i've got to be honest. Do you? Well, I'll tell you why. Because you remember when you talked, Frank, about being on the... I think you were on a bridge in London and you saw the naked bike riders come across. Yeah. And a man said of them, what did he say? Weirdos.

Yeah. And I like to think... I've always thought, if I'm honest, of her as one of those people that would say weirdos. And I felt she crossed over into the weirdos kingdom briefly because, let's face it, she was very weird. And I liked that. OK, thank you. Even though she did look like Frankenstein monster getting off the table.

I think if it was planned, they should have just gone one stage further and she should have shimmied on like she did but then sort of danced herself into the wings and then they should have had a proper dancer in the same clothes just doing those backflips. Yeah, like there is nothing like a day. And then right back, and then she just sort of walks on again just pretending to wipe a bit of sweat off her brow.

That would have been great. Like sitcom territory. She's already done it. Do you remember There's Nothing Like a Day, Morecambe and Wise? Right, yeah, exactly. They did it, like, with Michael Parkinson. Perfect. Eddie Wearing. Do you know Eddie Wearing? like a day more common wise right yeah exactly like with uh michael parkinson perfect eddie wearing but she didn't know eddie wearing uh kind of needed one in there somewhere uh yeah i i come on well first of all one of the things i saw that was written about it someone said um you know they

showed that show the Twitters in the tweets and then they tell you what they said in case you're alienated by the format. So it all fills a page. And it said, Theresa May has just come on to Dancing Queen. Is nothing sacred? And I can't, I don't know, but when I was at school and we were like the kids who were into like, you know, into music,

we always thought ABBA was the worst example of music for people who don't like music. Do you know what I mean? Just rubbish, churned out. No guitars in an attic with old men. No, exactly. churned out. No guitars in an attic with old men. No, exactly. It's, it's, it's, nobody

likes ABBA unless they like it with a slight arch expression. Right, yeah. You have to, you have to like it ironically. You can't really like it. I think there's an except here. Except Theresa May. But I just, it's not sacred. It's not sacred. She came on

to some, you know, very churned out popcorn stuff you know god bless them you can put that on the poster for Mamma Mia

yeah exactly I know people but they don't like it the way the way you like Franz Kafka they like it with a bit of

oh yeah I love her and I love her in other words I don't really like you but it's a funny thing to be with some you know people going party yeah be with some, you know, people going party and stuff like that, you know,

and wearing clothes that are too tight. Might they have an Austin Powers wig? Might they be the sort of people that might go to Austin Powers? Yeah, they might do that. What did you make of her material? Can I just ask you, the loser standing small. Yeah. What's that mean? What's that? Can I correct you there? Is that standing small. What's that mean?

What's that? Can I correct you there? Is that a lyric? It's a loser. Well, okay, but it means loser. The loser standing small. The winner takes it all, the loser standing small. How do you even do that?

Oh, right. Does it mean the loser is slightly crouched? Diminished. Theresa May's got a bit of a crouch. That's an idiotic eureka moment that's why Peter Crouch is called Peter Crouch because he's had to crouch his whole life

well he commented on Theresa May's dancing well he's across everything he's planning career B he tweeted he said she's going straight through my repertoire on this trip he did the funny robot dance for a little while it was a goal celebration, didn't he? Yeah, I think he did it twice, didn't he?

Yeah. But yeah, but Peter Crouch, that's... What was we talking about? Nominative determinism. I think it might be. That's why he got so tall. Wow, this is getting complicated. Are you angry? I saw Daisy's angry. We need to move on.

I thought, is she angry or has she got something in her nose itching? She's angry. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been discussing Theresa May to Dancing Queen, which is... I think it's being described as self-deprecating comedy. Yeah.

Isn't it? Oh, tough room with you two. It is, yeah. Well, she referred back to last year's failed. So what did she... She did some callbacks, didn't she? She did some callbacks. I wanted to ask you what, as professionals,

pro-cos, as I call you, professional comics, I wanted to know what you thought of the standard of material. I mean, I don't think that people should discuss their failings. It's not right. We've never mentioned the ballet link since doing it. And I never referred to it at the time I hosted it. No, exactly. Or Room 101 being pulled.

It's not done, is it? Or the fact that we haven't been nominated for an ARIA for funniest radio show this year. Congratulations to Jason Manford, by the way, and Dave Barry. I mean, I do mean that. Yeah, I know. I mean that. It didn't sound like you meant it. Hang on, we won that ARIA, didn't we?

No, I'm just making... I'm not bitter. Did we win ARIA? You think I'm bitter? No. We won Aria. Pardon? We won Aria, didn't we?

We have. We've won Aria in the past, but that was then, this is now. But there is an example. Whenever Frank says things like that, I always say, yeah, that's why you've got a property empire and I haven't.

It's that attitude that pushes you forward in life. It's true. See, I think that when people... When she talks, when she dances the dance that she got mocked for, when she talks about coughing and the set falling down,

she's sort of saying, you know, I know I'm with you on this, those were mistakes, but I'm moving on, it's fine. So she's sort of owning it to stop other people owning it. Yes.

And I think that's probably what I'm doing when I talk about not being nominated for an aria. I think the secret is to never let people know you're doing that. Yes. Oh, I see. Oh. Well, you know what I mean. I thought it was a good idea in principle, but I just...

What, the aria? I thought it was a terrible idea. The self-deprecating comedy. Yeah. I just felt... What exactly did she say? She said, you'll have to excuse me if I cough during this speech. I've been up all night super gluing the backdrop.

No, you see, what she's done, she's taken the two main comic premises of the last speech and done them in one sentence. And also, they're not necessarily linked naturally. They're two separate things. And also, what's happened is her team have tried to write a joke about the set

collapsing and a joke about her coughing. They haven't come up, they've come up with a feed but no punchline and then like second hand car dealers, they've taken the parts of the car that weren't destroyed in the crash and welded them together to form one line.

A little insight into... There you go. Comedy workshop. Comedy workshop there. But that is exactly right. It is exactly right. You might not get comedy on here, but you get comedy analysis. And it'll do. I mean, you can get comedy anywhere nowadays.

I used to do a joke about... YouTube's full of... You used to do a joke? I did as well. You used to do a joke about... Why did we stop doing that? I don't know. She should have brought props on, Al.

It sort of went out of fashion, didn't it? Sorry, I just thought that. She should have brought some props on. I want to know what Al's joke was. Oh, sorry, sorry, Al. I used to do a joke about my self-deprecating comedy where I said, oh, I'm not doing so much self-deprecating comedy.

I used to do a lot of that, but to be honest, there are better people at it than me. Oh. Very fine. I just think, with the self-deprecating, the thing is, it's like, you know when they say, if your tooth hurts?

I say tooth nowadays, have you noticed? Yeah, you've really come on, haven't you? Do you know, I feel about 7% closer to you as a friend. I said tooth for years when I came down, and then I thought, you know what? People don't know what I'm talking about. And also, I think I did a joke and I rhymed it with truth. Worse than ever.

I've preferred to sell out for that. That's how most of your progress has been achieved. Exactly. But you know when you get your tooth hurts, you keep putting your tongue in it, that theory, to make it hurt again. I think that's why, you know, Room 101 gets pulled. I can't leave it alone.

I cannot leave it alone. I know, but you just said it again. It's like five times, all right? I know, it's... Frank, you know what? I won't tolerate. I've got a bit of a thing about this. So anyone, please don't...

Self-depreciating. I cringe when people say that a bit. Instead of self-deprecating. Yeah, I don't know why. It rubs me up the wrong way. I think I passed the test, didn't I? I said self-deprecating. Yeah, I don't know why. It just rubs me up the wrong way. I think I passed the test, didn't I? I said self-deprecating, didn't I? No, you did good.

Oh, thank goodness for that. I feel like I've led us into a terrible pronunciation corner now. Yeah. And how do we get out? I think it's pronunciation corner. No, it's pronunciation. No, no, he's making a joke. Look how angry I got there.

Maybe Al could say something self-deprecating about his descots episode. Then we'd cover every bass in one go. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So this is the last thing I want to say about the Dancing Queen song that Theresa May picked.

You don't have to commit to that. You might have another thought. You're right, I might. I might have many thoughts. But I get that she's making sort of a joke about, oh, she was in Africa and she was dancing and people were teasing her dancing. Yeah, she's basically taking the mickey out of Africa.

No, I don't think she's doing that. I think she's trying to make fun of her own dancing. There'll be somebody on Twitter saying that. The bit that annoys me, as, you know, we're all in the business of making fun of our own failings, but she's not the Queen. She's the dancing Prime Minister.

So I just think it misfires a little bit as a joke. It's not a bullseye, is it? It's sort of like maybe a 25 at best. Unless... I just wish she'd danced brilliantly. That would have made a big difference. That would have been good. You see, that's the thing.

What she should have done is had some lessons. I would have had them on the sly. Oh, nice. But that would have been leaked and then she'd have looked even worse. Yeah, people would have been saying, hasn't she got other stuff to worry about with Brexit? Now she's having dance lessons. people would have been saying, hasn't she got other stuff to worry about with Brexit? Now she's having dance lessons.

That would have been amazing. That would have been amazing. Oh, yeah. That would have been it, I think. Do you think Anton Dubek saw it and thought, she's going to be my partner next year? Well, if she was on, he'd get... Yeah, definitely. He always gets the probably go out in the first round.

Poor old Anton. He gets the comedy one, doesn't he? It's quite a out in the first round. Poor old Anton. I mean, it's actually... He gets the comedy one, doesn't he? It's quite a dystopian future for Anton Dubik watching that. It's a brilliant answer, Anton. What about giving him somebody really good and giving him a chance one? Also, what about if you were on it

and then it was announced that you were with Anton? Much as I love Anton, my face would fall. I wouldn't be able to disguise my feeling. Well, I'm the joke. What are you saying? That I'm old and hopeless. Yeah, it's very... I think we need some sort of campaign to get Anton in with a shout.

Yeah, but he was one of the good ones. Yeah, I mean, he's, you know, he's... It's not right. He's lucky he's having to swim in his pyjamas. Yeah. And we all know how hard that can be. Get a special stripe for it if you can do it. True. Yeah. And we all know how hard that can be. Get a special stripe for it if you can do it.

Whilst we're in the political arena... Always. I'd like to talk about... Tina Arena? No. She was in Chains, wasn't she? Was she? Yes, I believe her song was Chains. I'd like to talk about... Tina Arena? No. OK. She was in Chains, wasn't she? Was she? Yes, I believe her song was Chains.

Oh, I thought you meant that club I go to. I've never seen her in there. Well, you wouldn't. She wears a mask in there. Oh, yeah, cool. She's like your burglar. Let's not call him that. What should we call him that.

What should we call him? He might have been lost. Visitor. Some people are saying intruder, garden intruder. What was that book, Tom's Midnight Garden, that I used to read? He might have fell out of a helicopter. Yeah, maybe. Well, now you're getting a bit grand, aren't you? If we know.

He looked post Chinook. But that's the thing. In these James Bond films, that's quite, you know, he pitches up in people's garden. Oh, no, yeah. VVP, are you familiar with his work? Oh, Vladimir. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, is that who he is? I think it's someone like that. If there's any Russians listening, forgive me if I got the middle bit wrong yeah uh he's only just released his official calendar brilliant for 2019. i'm just saying al someone's got a birthday coming up in january oh yeah nice i'm very happy to have a putin calendar on the wall i must say have you

boys seen any of the uh the shots have i fantastic What were your faves? Well, I think, obviously, I liked him in Iced Water, topless. Which one? There are two. Well, there's one with him fishing, isn't there? But there's one with him getting into some, it's some sort of, it looks like some sort of Russian Orthodox church baptism. I believe it's called the Epiphany. Oh, OK.

Yeah. You are. Sorry. You know, I think if he'd have danced the Dancing Queen coming on stage and Theresa May... I don't think he's a fan of that. And Theresa May had released the thing where she was topless fly fishing.

I think we'd have world peace, wouldn't we? You reckon? Yeah, because they'd have nothing to give them. It sounds like one of your dreams during your illness. I honestly think that that would lead to world peace. Yeah, but you know what I didn't like about the picture of him fishing? He had a bare torso with a belt. Now, I can't bear that.

I have a very visceral reaction to that. If I had a bare torso with a cargo pant or a jean with a belt, it just makes me feel sick. Do you like the belt? Because you think it sticks into the midriff a little. Oh, I don't like it. I think you need the belt. Like myself, maybe Putin just loosens it off one

for when he's doing any long-distance driving, puts his belt on the drive setting. It makes you look naked rather than nude. So you're like Incredible Hulk exposed loops. Oh dear, it's started. Yeah, don't worry about the blood. I'll get that off. I never noticed the belt.

Oh, I really... It's like... I didn't spot the belt. I feel that it makes it look like your shirt's been ripped off you. It I really it's like I didn't spot the bell I feel that it makes it look like your shirt's been ripped off you it looks like it's unplanned maybe that's what he wants

and it makes me feel sick maybe he's got one of those Velcro shirts that he takes off for photos or like a Chippendale and he's there I tell you what

would have made those pictures brilliant if he'd had the cuffs and the collar with the dickie bow oh that would be wow come on whilst holding the puppy hello Those pictures, brilliant. If he'd had the cuffs and the collar with the dickie bow. Oh, that would be quality.

Wow. Come on, that would be... Whilst holding the puppy. Hello. Oh, yeah, the puppy as well. He's not known for his prop humour, is he? His props for photography, but not the humour, I don't think. He holds a gun. That was a nice heartwarming shot.

I think he's got a lovely old-worldy idea of suggesting strength in a statesman by actual physical... You know, Mussolini used to take his shirt off a lot for pictures. Yeah. Did he? Lots of pictures of him, and he's got a very similar... He's quite

barrel-chested, I think they call it. I can't remember if he went for the belt or not. I'm very remiss of you. I'll tell you who doesn't do it so much is Kim Jong-un. And I think maybe he hasn't got the sort of physique that's maybe suited. Or Jeremy Corbyn, to my knowledge. I'd like to see Jeremy Corbyn. His calendar.

Yeah. Wouldn't he just be the same picture every month? On a bicycle with the hat. He'd be at the market. The truth is, I don't think we've got a British politician who could carry off a calendar the way Putin can. I agree. He's just, you know...

Like Putin in the waders, in the sort of river doing the fishing, and I think Corbyn would just be in a picture just avoiding a puddle, just sidestepping it and going round quite sensibly. Well, you have to in sandals. Yeah, yeah. I'm still on tenterhooks waiting for Zoella's Advent calendar this year.

Do you remember that? She'd been working on it all year and hadn't yet finished. So has she been working? So this year, yeah, she'll have, I mean it'll be finished by now, Frank. I've got another two months. I seem to remember she went to the wire with it last time. The last four months, what did she put in? Rice or something?

She just ran out of ideas for the, not months, the last four days. Tricky though, isn't it? Christmas was a mean old week on Zoella's Advent. Was it 50 quid, Zoella's Advent? I think it was, and then reduced quite short notice in the run-up. That I remember. What happened now? I think she got calendar. I think it was, and then reduced quite short notice in the run-up. That I remember. What happened now? I think she got into...

I remember it being reduced. She got into it. What did she get into? A little bit of travel. Oh, I see. I have no idea what you're talking about. I can't remember the story. It was a year ago.

I can't see Putin bringing out an advent calendar. No. Would you trust that? Open December the 8th. Ah! Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should do it anyway. 339 has messaged the show.

339 has messaged, compared to all other absolute presenters, why is the Frank Skinner team so much more bassy? Is that a word? Do you have tone control? Count bassy? Are we more bassy? I think it might just be our natural gravitas when we talk about world events,

like Putin and Jeremy Corbyn. In fairness, Al, the very first song Frank Skinner played on this show, if you'll remember, was Totally Addicted to Bass. Oh, yeah, when we first started. The very first song he ever played on this show. No, it's Totally Addicted to Bass. It's about a fish singing bass.

Yeah, it was a tribute to, what's he called, the bloke who was on here earlier, fish expert. Rick Stein. Rick Stein. Rick Stein, loves fish. I don't think we're more bassy. Well, we should check that out. That might be a technical problem.

Maybe we need to turn the gravitas down. Can you have a look on the desk? I'm pneumonia, give us a break. Anyway. Yeah, we should probably on the desk? I'm pneumonia. Give us a break. Anyway. Yeah, we should probably sort that out off air, really. We don't want to be too basic, do we? Apologies for my unprofessional behaviour. If we're rounding up the day's show...

Too basic? I thought you were going to say... Hey, listen. The calendar's... Oh, sorry, Al. We were also... Oh, no, we can... No, you...

We were also running a... People were saying whatever happened to the line on the baths? And 526 has said, I bath in plain baths. I find it a lot better. What does that mean? On planes? Plain, I think, just means uncluttered by, like, lavender oil or bubble bath. No soap.

Just plain. But I like the fact that she's using a crisp terminology. I like that, yeah. But I think in future we'll start, do you want bubble bath or a plain bath? Cheese and onion bath for me, please. I'm sure the last time I had a bath I still had a line round it at the end.

Yes, I suspect it might. Right. Well, it's the same line that was there in 1988. To be fair... That's the one nowhere that was there in 1988. To be fair... That's the one nowhere to pull the water to. It's like the Plimsoll line. You say that, but what did Cathy say about you? And I've told you what she said about you,

not long after you'd been dating. Always very clean. No, her exact words were, the thing I like about Frank is he's always absolutely immaculate. There you go. OK. There you go. That's a rubbish thing, isn't it?

Bathing together. You know when you start going out with someone and you think we'll bathe together, that'll be exciting. There you go. That's a rubbish thing, isn't it? Bathing together. You know when you start going out with someone, you think we'll bathe together. That'll be exciting. Absolute rubbish. Uncomfortable. Hot. Yeah.

You know, you think, I'll light that. Hashtag late review. I'll light some candles. Candles? What are you talking about? Yeah. Anyway.

Then you get the taps. Oh, don't get him started on the taps. He doesn't like the taps on his back. Anyway, then you get the taps. Oh, don't get him started on the taps. He doesn't like the taps on his back. Anyway, look, enough.

Wow. He wins the show by saying enough. That is it. I have nothing else to give you, you people. Thank you so much

for listening this morning and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. Absolute Radio mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM