The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Saint George's PR

Episode Date: June 30, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank's been getting lost in London this week and his had some thoughts about St. George. The team also discuss broadband boxes, Germany's exit from the World Cup and restorations.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. And this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us? Come on! On 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, at your leisure. And email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Do one of those. We'll see what happens.

Yeah. Get in the mix, guys. Well, I'd like to kick off with a whatever happened to. Wow. Straight in with a WHT. Can I go straight in? Yeah, do it. Okay, this is from Daniel.

He says, hi, Frank et al. Is he, I suppose he's packing, is it, this stage? Isn't he leaving tonight on a plane? Daniel? Yeah. Is he? Oh. As I see his red taillights heading for Spain.

Is this a song that you're quoting? I don't know this. I don't know it. OK. It's a very... It's an enormous hit by uh elton john yeah yeah yeah now yeah now i'm back not i see daniel which isn't easy when you consider he's on a plane anyway this is strange and periphery crackling on but who cares yeah I was just doing a bit of

bacon if you wanted at home yeah it's a bit of scratchings pork scratchings hey Frank Etta whilst currently

enjoying watching my sprinkler water my now very lovely green and small patch of grass I felt bad I was being very selfish

I was urinating on the neighbours lawn fortunately he doesn't go on to say that how good but I think he felt being very selfish. I was urinating on the neighbour's lawn. Fortunately, he doesn't go on to say that. How good. But I think he felt selfish because of the warnings given today. Oh, yes.

Well, it is. Is there anything more English than a hosepipe bag? A hosepipe bag, yeah. Anyway, he continues, I might end up going to hell. However, I now believe that the threat of going to hell may be a whatever happened to,

in terms of both the place and the saying. Good work, people. Nor in our house. Still very real. Is it whatever happened to? Do people say, oh, go to hell? Even the Pope has recently cast doubt on the, even the existence of hell.

I don't know if that's... That might just be tabloid bants. I'm aware of the story. Maybe you're not as up on the Pope news as me. I'm up on the Pope news. Don't worry about that. He gets his papal alerts. Yeah.

I think it's quite a 70s dad thing to say. Go to hell. Oh, go to hell, love. Yeah, well, there's um like damn things when people used to say what's that where's the damn newspaper that's gone and that's basically but i've seen that um in um in old poetry they just put d and then a hyphen it's such a bad word oh you weren't allowed to say damn no No. You know, in Gilbert and Sullivan, there's a bit where the bloke says,

though bother it I may occasionally say, I never use a big, big D. What, never? No, never. Are you with me? Come with me. Yeah. It means damn.

Yeah, okay, okay. Gilbert and Sullivan. Are we sure it means damn? Absolutely, really, I'll say that. Are we absolutely sure it means Dan? It definitely means Dan. Okay. You made me anxious there, but I'm sure.

No, I'm absolutely sure. I'm 100. 100? Okay. Can you tell by looking at me? I stopped off at the... I was walking past a lady's hairdresser yesterday, and I know the lady who works in there.

So me and boss just went in to hang out. We knew one of the women was getting her hair cut. Slow week. She's wearing orange shoes. Nice. Lovely. What did you say when you walked in? Did you say, hi, we've come here?

I just said, hi, how are you doing? We just sat on the chairs and chatted. That was going somewhere that story where did it where did it where did it begin you said something

about no being a hundred oh yeah oh yes you said I'm one hundred that's right so they were talking there was a woman who was talking

about getting grey hair and stuff I told you not to tell anyone that and I said I said I've spotted a few

grey hairs. And there was just that moment of tension when people thought, oh, my God, he doesn't know. Oh, I did enjoy it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I found an email on my Friday night trawl regarding the big mo. Hi, Frank et al. I was recently out shopping at the supermarket with my nana, who is 89 years young. God bless her. Like what he's done there. Lovely. And when we got to the till, the woman scanning the goods pause

pointed to a soft drink and said, this is bog off. A bog what, replied my nan. This was clearly a big mo for her. Having explained to her what this meant, she still seemed a bit confused. I thought about this for a while on the drive home and came to the conclusion that bog off is flawed as it would really need to be pronounced bog off.

Well, I think what... The key is that it would be of. It would be a v sound at the end. You need a double F. Yes, you're correct. For off. Yes. Okay.

So it's bog-off. Bog-off. Yeah. Oh, that's what they've put, yeah. Yeah. Bog-off. I think it's bog-off. Playing for Serbia, isn't it?

It's more sort of a Russian gymnast. Anyway, they continue. I think two for poo would be a better acronym to use two for price of one two for poo is two four sounds like a price of what yeah and it works better pronunciation is better okay i might i might and it still retains a certain toilet based humor they add oh it does do that do you I mean, that's what's keeping it afloat, so to speak. Yes, two for poo. I can also hear Christopher Robin saying his little posh voice. Oh, lovely.

Oh, two for poo. There's all the voices. Yeah. Christopher Robin is not an impression you hear every day. It's a great impression, though. So far, we've had to... Have you seen the Grown Up film? Is there a Grown Up one?

Yeah, there's a Grown Up film when Christopher Robin's played by, I think it's Antonio Banderas. Oh, yeah. And he is an actual grizzly bear, a real live grizzly bear. Interesting. It's a noir, poo noir. Is it like Grizzly bear, a real live grizzly bear. Interesting. It's a noir, poo noir. Is it like Grizzly Man, that documentary? He changed a lot, didn't he?

Oh, yeah. Over the years. Did he still wear the little T-shirt, poo? Because he wore a crop top, didn't he? I know that was the Disney version, actually, the cartoon. Yeah, it's T-shirt in Disney, but in A.A. Mill, it's nothing, isn't it? It's some...

Yeah, he's naked. Is it? There's no jacket or anything? No. No, it's Top Cat waistcoat. That's, um... I haven't committed

to memory the dress codes on it. That should be the vow that Garrett Southgate makes. If they get to the final, like Top Cat, he'll just wear the waistcoat. That'd be great. He needs a bow to really as well.

If he did that, I would love it. There must be something to stop him doing that. Some sort of FIFA rule. Oh, it'd be a yellow card. Instant yellow. It'd be just next to not smoking on the bench. If he just walked out like that and took the punishment hit.

If he wore one of those yellow body stocking all over body stocking like a morph suit thing yeah with pointy ears and wore the bowler and then just a waistcoat I'd settle, I don't need the full downstairs works

that gets in the way he didn't get it with Top Cat Top Cat I think they sort of sank into the fur That gets in the way. He didn't get it with Top Cat. Or even who was the one... Top Cat, I think, I don't know what happened. They sort of sank into the fur. Frank, who was the one who wore the hippie character, who wore the polo neck and the medallion again? There was a character, there was a cat.

The Argentina guy. No, I thought you were talking about the managers. That was Choo Choo. I think that was, yeah. Let's not work our way through the whole The Boss Cat. No, I'm just saying that would be a good look if you wanted to have a ramp into the...

Maybe the ball is the one that should truly be at the World Cup. Yeah. He could be like, you know, head ball boy. Or the ball boy, he could be a consultant that was brought in by the ball boy association.

Oh, yeah. For, you know, ways of dealing with it. Wiping the ball for the long throw, that kind of thing. Yeah. Fwoh! Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I found an email on the email trawl, and it is entitled, Lots of Questions. So, it's closed in for lots of questions. I found an email on the email troll, and it is entitled, Lots of questions. So, it's closed in for lots of questions. Oh, I love a quiz. Is it from Magnus Magnuson?

No, it's not. Okay. But it is, I mean, it's quizzing. Hello, guys, and the guy S. I have some questions. Oh, the guy S, I love it. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but... It sounds a bit like a sort of portmanteau

for Guy Burgess the British spy I have some questions Can you tell me all about Descartes? I've been reading the show and the podcast for many years but I still don't know the joke I presume Alan slipped up Who are the Laffies in the studio?

What is a think tank? Is it some kind for clever fish? Much love. Not a bad show. Prisoner 379. So hang on. Do they want us to explain... Quite a lot of different things, yeah.

Existentially? No, I think basically... I think my mistake. I think therefore I am. I think you'll find. All that happened was that, you know, we made an enormous fuss about it. Is Al...

You mellowed. René Descartes, the philosopher, was described by Al as Descartes instead of Descartes. It's a simple mispronunciation. At the time I'd been reading it. I'd not been talking about it.

That's the trouble we're reading. It is, yeah. We don't give you the pronunciations properly so we mocked him for this we did only for about six years

I don't think it was that much and then that was and then a few weeks later I called the dog a Weimaraner yeah

so you know I got my comeuppance yeah and Frank has yet to make a mistake. Oh, yeah, right. It is a vi-mariner, he stoppeth one in three. Oh!

Come on. Trebon. Just let that joke sit there. Yeah, so a think tank, if you're not being ironic, a think tank is a group of people that share ideas and come up with good stuff because they're all sort of, you know, informed and bright. So is this just a service we provide now

and just tell people what things mean? How come I haven't been asked to work in a think tank? Am I not informed and bright enough? Here's one for you. The brain drain. Oh, yeah. All the clever people leaving the country. I suppose that'll happen again soon, will it?

With the EU. Maybe it will. I don't know why. It just sounds like the sort of thing that'll happen post-Brexit. I haven't a clue why. Why are they going to leave the country? I don't know. Money. When we've won the World Cup, of course, they might think again.

I've suddenly got it into my head we're going to win the World Cup. Have you? Do you still believe? I still believe until Tuesday, at least. Okay. People want to know if it still sends... Frank, we've got a question about football.

Daniel Brown. Another Daniel this morning. Dan Brown? Yeah. Dan Brown. Well, this'll be a cliffhanger. He's asked whether Isaac Newton was around for the forming of the Football League.

And is the Football League an anagram of falafelage, a French word for a cult group who used to eat young children at half time instead of half oranges due to a mistranslation of orange

like orange enfant and orange they got mixed up I mean it was terrible they thought juice that sounds right no

but no it happened he's going for the William of Orange pronunciation his avatar features orange and got mixed up. I mean, it was terrible. They thought, juice, that sounds right. No! But no, it happened. He's going for the William of Orange pronunciation. His avatar features him in a brown cloak. No, it doesn't. Hi, Frank. Does it still send a shiver down your spine hearing Three Lions being played after every goal, like

it does me? Well, I'd say something with my Three Lioness. My three lioness. Oh, yeah. Did I tell you Buzz can't, he won't have a lioness. Oh. He thinks they're

rubbish because they don't have manes. Oh. It's the national costume of the lion, the mane. Come on, girls. Join in. So, I went quite a while of thinking, oh, God, they're playing three lions. And this year, for some reason, it started to,

maybe it's age and the idea of impending doom. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. But I, yeah, I've started to get quite emotional with it this year. I was at my son's sports day this week and they played it. Did they? Yeah. And there was loads of people.

Oh, did they all turn around to you? Oh, they all looked at me. That's quite a night. I was on a table doing that punch in the air thing. Had you turned up in an England shirt from the 90s? No, no, just the Union Jack waistcoat, nothing else. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Now, let me tell you something. After the show, we often go for brunch the team I'm talking to you now the readers it's no good telling these people what they already know we go for brunch at 11 o'clock

or 12 o'clock if you're listening on the Decade channels and we we we don't go quite as religiously as we used to. There's a bit more, oh, I've got

a match or a hairdressing appointment. I like to make sure he always keeps those. That's the big three. Match, hairdressing appointment, fight. You can work out who's who in those excuses. I mean, it's a sad indictment of the way our relationship has decayed

that we don't go religiously everywhere. I always think a good measure of a dinner party, when you get invited to a dinner party, is ask yourself if you'd be at least as happy to just get the food delivered to your door in top of our containers yes good question if you're going to dinner parties for the food right just because you're hungry worst possible reason surely to go anyway um we so last week I was going to see, as I guess many of you were,

a screening of Genesis of the Daleks at BFI Southbank. Oh, I wish you'd told me about that, Frank. Never mind. I'll give you a little example of what it was like. It's a classic series, by the way, Tom Baker. That's a shocker, him being in it. That's a bit where he holds two pieces of wire slightly apart and if he

puts them together he destroys the entire Dalek race and he says, have I the right? Have I that right? That's brilliant. Anyway, so just to give you a hint of what kind of event it was, there was a quiz before and one of the questions was, what is the name of the

quarry that they filmed in in this episode and frighteningly you knew the answer no i didn't in fact the bloke who got it i think slightly got the name wrong but they let him have it but you know near enough anyway so i was so i said goodbye to the team they went off to stuff their faces and I just walked across town. Lonely as a cloud. And I got, I would say, a hundred yards before I got lost. Oh, no. On a walk that we do,

well, we used to do basically every Saturday. And I've always had, some of our regular readers will know, a terrible sense of direction, but I think it might be getting worse. You know, I had a tattoo for my 60th birthday, which was just my name and address. And I think I could be inclined to wonder.

So what happened? You just didn't know where you were going? I just, you know. You've just been here all week. That's a fair summary of getting lost. But more to the point, on Monday, I went to the old BBC television centre. I knew it wasn't the BBC anymore, let me emphasise that.

I just didn't turn up there. Where are all the cameras? This used to be so different. Yeah, I'm supposed to be interviewing Britney Spears. Oh, that'd be terrible, wouldn't it? Oh, poor Frank. What shall we do? Or wouldn't it be more likely that BBC would be saying,

who is that? Anyway, so they've opened a new sort of club. Emily. Yes, Emily's Bean. Yes. Emily's Bean. Yeah. It's called Emily's Bean. I was expecting the worst

so anyway yeah so what i did is i got the uh i got the overground to shepherd's bush this is getting worse through the roof this is quite a lot of detail yeah so i went through shepherd's bush to Emily's Bean. No, it's not called Emily's Bean. It's called... It wouldn't be the first. Soho House, it's called. Oh, yeah. You've heard of it?

Yeah. And so it was a walk of ten minutes, say. Okay. Where are we now? We left the Overground. Thirty-five minutes later, I was still on the road. I'll give you... I'll let you know how I escaped this dilemma. Where are we now? We left the overground. 35 minutes later, I was still on the road. I'll let you know how I escaped this dilemma.

After this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So anyway, I'm lost in West London. And what I always do when I get really badly lost on foot is phone my partner and say I'm lost. And she always says, what can you see?

That's what she says. And I was telling her, I said, it's just like a building site thing. She says, oh my God, put FaceTime on, put FaceTime on. So I ended up, I'm walking down the road, holding my phone outwards, my FaceTime phone. So she's calling instructions, which I can't hear because I'm holding my phone out so she can see. So then I listen.

And then she says, oh, no, I can just see your ear. So, and then she says, oh, no, I can just see your ear. So, and then I held it, and then there's loads of, I start to get to where there's people again, and all these people, I'm just pointing my phone at them, and they all look, you know, people are looking a bit, so I hold it up high, I'm walking down the road with my phone held above my head. And I could hear a voice saying, you need to go left, you need to go left.

It felt like an interesting insight to what it must be like being a Dalek. And so that was how we did it. Did it work for you, that method? I'll tell you what it was like. Have you ever seen Toy Story 3? Yes. Do you remember Mrs Potato Head leaves one of her eyes in Andy's bedroom? I do.

So she's able to see what's going on with Andy because of the discarded eye. Yeah. Well, that's what this was a bit like. So Kath was able to be with me and see what was happening and yeah she got me to um she got me to sell her house like that good on it but yeah very good little tip there if anyone gets lost facetime yeah and doesn't care about what other sink of them well it's i was i was did you not think frank to look at your um your GPS or use Google Maps or something? Google Maps is what I thought would be the first port of call rather than a person. What about Google Maps?

I have used Google Maps, but you can't just put in the name of a club, can you? Yes, you can, darling. That's exactly what you can do. And then it can tell you. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed your story. I think your way is funnier. Well, it wasn't to Gawain and the Green Knight, I realise that. No.

It's definitely funnier than an anecdote where you went, oh, I couldn't find the club and then I used Google Maps and walked out. It's funnier than that. I suppose that's right. I don't think you want to see where I was. It didn't feel like a road, even. I was the only person there who wasn't wearing a hard hat. I'll tell you what I don't like.

When you drive on a road and the sat-nav hasn't... When you drive on a road, that is annoying. No, when you're driving in a bit that the sat-nav can't see because you haven't done the updates and so you just did sort of a weird no-man's land. You know, your little arrow on the sat-nav. Oh, I don't like that. That's terrifying. Do you remember I did the wrong turning on the motorway

three consecutive journeys? Because where did I go? I remember talking about this. I ended up in the same place. You were going to some sort of sanctuary. I was driving home. I was going to London. A place that is signposted, it's fair to say, generally speaking.

From ages away. At Kettering, I think. I think I kept ending up in Kettering. And there was a thing. Did you have Sat Nav on? I had Sat Nav on, and Sat Nav said, go right. Now, the sign said, go left, but I thought, you know, you can trust Sat Nav. But Sat Nav didn't know about the change in the road.

I kept ending up in Kettering, three consecutive occasions as well. And I'd suddenly realised, oh, I've done the Kettering thing. Oh, that's so nice. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter. Don't know what they'll think of next. At Frank on the radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can we have a little talk about the World Cup?

Oh, yes. Well, actually actually we've heard from a very insightful expert Simon Sharma 998 similar hi Frank World Cup

us versus Belgium I didn't watch it because I'm camping and we'd gone through anyway I think Southgate pulled a trick there rested our best players and losing gives us

a better chance in the next stages what say you Frank Skinner I'd say that's an interesting theory, I haven't heard advice before. I mean I'm sorry to tease you Matt in a tent but that is

searing insight there thank you. That's the word on the street Matt I'll leave that alone I'm sorry Matt in a tent I did like it, sorry no I was just saying when they, some of of the papers had sort of quotes from supporters, and I think it was...

What was his name? Rhys Anderson, 23, of Bermondsey, who said, I've been having nightmares about Germany beating us on penalties. Go on. I thought that was... I enjoyed that. His nightmares are over.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, in today's... It was either the mirror or the sun. So hard to tell them apart nowadays. Yeah. Although there is a derogatory remark in the sun about an old Russian lady. Yes, I saw that.

Which I didn't like. Ageism, it's very worst. Oh, is it? Yes. I don't fancy yours much, Vlad, or something like that. Come on, Matt. Come on, guys. And they can't just take my picture off Google Images like that

without contacting my representative. I told them, Frank. That's unfair. You could see your babushka. No, so Gareth Southgate says in the paper, I know I'll be condemned. Condemned is good, though. Oh, my God, I've used the big D.

He'll be condemned. I love condemned. I love condemned. That's the new one. He'll be condemned if, he said if the gamble doesn't pay off. And I thought, they'll call it a gamble, mate.

You're lost. I mean, you know, make eight changes, but they made nine changes. If he said the strategy, it might have made us trust him slightly more. But even then, did he want to lose? Is that what he's saying? Is he saying I deliberately threw

the game? I don't think so. Well, is he not saying that? He hasn't denied it. I think he's saying that he's managed to establish one thing, is that we have weakness in depth. Yeah. That'll be reassuring. And also, this thing that now we'll play Colombia

and then probably Switzerland or Sweden is the other one. And then it's downhill all the way with Brazil well it'll be Spain in the semi-final I think it'll be Brazil in the final

if he followed no problem but this thing about the Colombia Sweden Switzerland thing yeah it seems to be

based on a theory that England only lose to good teams yeah which is Iceland is what I would say short memories yeah It seems to be based on a theory that England only lose to good teams. Yeah, yeah. Which is Iceland, is what I would say. Short memories.

Yeah. But anyway, I'd rather just win every game. But let us still wallow in the glory. Of? That we're still in the next round. We're still in what I like being called the group of 16. Oh, that's nice. Sounds like something that Saddam Hussein would have said.

The war to end all wars kind of thing. You get the feeling with Saddam Hussein the Group of Sixteen might never have been seen again, though, don't you? Is there a more disheartening sight, though, that when they interview someone on the pitch and they bring on that terrible Perspex screen... Oh, the advertising card. Oh, yes.

Oh, it's so tacky, that. With the pathetic, all the little sponsor logos on. Yeah. Oh, dear. They interviewed, after the Belgium game, they interviewed Gareth Southgate. He looked like a prison visitor. He does have that look anyway.

He could be the sensitive son of a sort of a gangland boss who didn't want to go into the family business and went to university come back in his waistcoat and tie to visit his dad he's never taking that waistcoat off he's sticking to the dog playing pool vibe what he did is after what he's done

after Steve McLaren's the Wally with the Broly, he thought, what can I wear that doesn't rhyme with anything? So he's made himself Mr. Waysco. 8, 12, 15, things that rhyme with Waysco. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I heard so much Three Lions this week, Frank. Oh, yeah. I mean, that Panama game.

Well, they played it after every... I kept hearing your voice. They played it after every goal. I know. I heard your voice more than I do on a Saturday. Yeah, it was. That was a strange thing to do, considering it was in Russia.

Mm. But I was happy with it. Did I tell you I played... I can't remember. I told you I played Boz. I showed him the two videos. Oh, yeah? What did he think? I showed him the first one.

I thought, I wouldn't mind you seeing me a bit thinner now. So I showed him the second one. And he really liked it. But I tell you what upset him was the, you know, you might not remember it, in the Three Lines 98 video we played these Germans,

supposed Germans. Yes. And there's a bit where we toss a coin and I think I tossed a coin and he catches it, I could be wrong but anyway, and he says, so why did you,

why did you give them that money? Oh, yeah. And I said, we're just tossing a cup. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Why did you give them that? I thought this is what it would be like for Putin when he shows his children the 1918 World Cup. Dad, why did you give them that money?

I said, we got the World Cup. No, shut up. So, yeah, but he liked it. Oh, good. I'm glad it's gone down well. Yeah. So, I mean, it felt a weird thing to do. To show YouTube videos of yourself.

Showing me. But I thought, it's the World Cup. It's, you know, legit. But he has been singing it a bit around the house. I thought you typed that into Google search. What about me? We'll probably need him and David

Baddielson to do a version in about 30 years time. Oh dear, they're still milking it. Still crazy, after all. So, what else with the World Cup, guys? Can I ask a question, Boris?

Does the human nose continue to grow, as you can hold it? Yes, it does. David Gandy, international supermodel, told me that. He said the ears and the nose grow. And he looks into these things. Are you sure his nose wasn't growing at the time

because he was telling a porcupine well I said that to him he was doing that thing of trying to say he wasn't nice looking which I wasn't buying David Gant

I said you're paid you're sure it was David Gant you were talking to not the not the not the not the

no it was and he said well no offence to the Mahatma but I think you'd say he didn't get by on his looks.

That wasn't what powered him forward. He wasn't visually appealing particularly. Not like David Gandhi, anyway. He had some styling issues. If Gandhi, the two Gandhis were on Hot or Not... Yeah. ..I don't fancy the Mahatmas' chances, to be fair. Unless they're being physically hot.

I mean, if they were on... LAUGHTER Or... Yes, Mahatma going... to be fair unless they mean physically hot I mean if they were on or or whether he's roasting he's cooking yeah I mean I know if one of

if they both came down in the lift on nor likey nor likey yeah I think I know who'd get the... I think after one of the hunger strikes, Mahatma would be No Likey Too Lighty.

Can you do jokes about Mahatma Gandhi's hunger strikes? Can we look into that? I'm just going to speak to Gordon. I've got the earpiece in. OK. That was fine, apparently. Anyway, David Gandy, the point is, he told me that your nose and your ears

continue to grow as you get older. So you basically end up looking like a Roald Dahl illustration. He seems like he's become the new Dr Miriam Stoddard. He just knows about features and things. I don't think that Garrett Southgate's nose was that big when he missed the penalty in 96. I think he looks quite elegant with it. I think he's grown into it.

I'm not saying he doesn't look elegant. Yeah, OK. I'm just saying... You think it's grown? I noticed the cameraman couldn't decide which part of his face to focus on. There was some when you could see the nose and then the rest of the features were blurred.

He was doing that difficulty. I think, yeah. But it's interesting. I think he's looked really cool this whole World Cup until we'd lost. And then he looked like Gareth Southgate again. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, he's back. It's a very... The odour of failure is powerful. Oh, it's a fragile... Can you open the window? Fragile. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There's some upsetting news as well. Oh, yeah. Because the Germans were ejected. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. People are gleeful about that, aren't they? I know, right? Really gleeful. Well, it's quite? I know, right? Really gleeful.

Well, it's quite an unusual event, obviously. I'm aware of that. I would say that. Kim Jong scored one of the goals. Kim Jong? Kim Jong, yeah. Kim Jong, his name is. Oh, is it? Yeah, against Germany.

I just thought he was looking in slightly better shape than he has been. Oh, yeah. He's laying off the cheese. He, um... And the hamburgers. Would it be fair to say that Germany have hit an all-time lurf? Oh, lovely. I meant lurfly.

Come on. Yes. The manager, let me explain this, is called Joachim Lurf. He's got nominative determinism now, Frank. He's spelt low. Yeah. Although his career's been on a high until pretty much this week. And before that, he's been splendid.

I think he'll get other work. I think he might, yeah. I think he might. Like Beatles, I would have thought. They'll be in for him like a shot. But I thought, you know, there's a standard thing that happens in football is that someone doesn't play badly, who's a good team.

And the pundits talk for 15 minutes about how this good team have suddenly become a bad team on the day and how could that have happened and why that happened and how terrible it is. And then eventually someone, usually someone is like Gary Lineker at the helm and probably got something on his earpiece, says, but we should say that South Korea did play really well. That's what you have to do.

And they did play. I think South Korea have looked a lot better since the North have stopped the missile testing. Yes. Just more relaxed. They do seem happier, don't they? Yeah, they've got more spring in their stare. Less burdened by weighty...

Because you don't want to keep... When they keep looking at the sky all the time, that's when people take the ball off you. That's why they're not fans of the long ball, because it involves looking up. Exactly. No, I was sorry that I like

them. I wish they were still in. Did you see Ozil had a little bit of trouble in the... Did he get a bit chopsy with the audience? Audience, the crowd, the fans? The audience. You've changed. He didn't quite... He didn't quite...

What, was it during the interval? During the half, dear. Yeah. Well, the manager talked to him about it in the green room. You've lost the green room, dear. Yeah. Well, the manager talked to him about it in the green room. You've lost the green room, dear. He didn't quite go full kung fu fighting, dear. He didn't go cancer, no. No.

He did that for your benefit. Thank you. But he did, he got a bit upset, I think, because I think he handed a shirt, his shirt, didn't he, to one of the German fans who... He's not going to need it again, is he? Oh, dear. Who was semi-abusive.

And I think the German fan said, it'll do for our dog to lie on. Which I think is, I mean... People always used to say that when I was growing up. Any kind of cloth. It'll do for our dog to lie on. Well, maybe he said that in German. If anyone knows what that phrase is in German,

that would be handy. That mein Hund. Lovely, Frank. Well done. Good luck. How do you say that'll do in German? Geschbrohlen. That'll do.

Geschbrohlen. Das will. Das will doing. Yeah, very good. We got there. I don't think it's actually that, but I did German for about five years. Did you? At school?

It's all gone. It's at school when I wasn't really learning. Ich bin Alan, ich komm's Merfield. Merfield ist eine kleine Stadt in North England. Oh, sharp. That's all I've got. That's all I've got. Wie kommen Sie anbesten zum Merfield? Whoa. That's all I've got. That's all I've got. All I've got is... Vick, how many come... I'm besting some Murphy.

Whoa. Great response. Whoa. Yeah, I'm out. All I can say is, das ist verboten. And I won't tell you where I learned that. No, I think that's...

Yeah, okay. Okay. What about... My favourite is, Acht du lieber Gott, mein Bein ist gebrochen. It's his, oh my God,

my leg's broken. I thought it might come in handy in the World Cup. No. No, they've gone now. Gone but not forgotten. I've got more on Ozil, but we can come back to this

if needs be. Yes. Because we're having a sign wave, Duff. You've been given the fez. You got a bit of Ozil gommage to tell us about? Gommage would be a good word, wouldn't it, for speaking?

Yeah. Yeah, shall we start that as a thing? Yeah. I just don't know if it doesn't get used for other... Yeah. Gommage. What else? Gommage sounds like, now that I'm dating,

old age pensioners. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank pensioners. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I was talking about Urzel and his little bit of trouble in the tunnel. Now, wouldn't he be more... Me little Aunt Sally.

Where's me little Aunt Sally? Yeah, he had a bit of gummage in the tunnel. Yeah. And handed over his shirt, didn't go well. Supporter didn't want it. And I may have shouted expletives at him, I believe. So Andreas, is it Kopke? Who's the German goalkeeping coach.

Sorry I didn't know his name. Well, yeah, but he was the goalkeeper who saved Southgate's penalty I believe the originale I don't think any of us think of him when we think of that penalty but he intervened

Southgate certainly didn't he intervened and he said a fan insulted him I put my hand over his mouth and told him he should hold his beak. Brilliant. What's this beak thing? I mean, you're familiar with German. Is that a mistranslation or what is the phrase?

Hold your beak? To be fair, I think Ozil actually has got a beak. That is a good point. It's a weird thing with him, I've noticed before. And fully formed talons. Yeah, he has to have special boots made, doesn't he? For his talon? Yeah, by the sponsor.

He gets them handmade. No, I don't. I've heard it used for a nose. Yeah, but I'm just saying it's a good phrase. I like that. Hold your beak. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, I'll tell you what the highlight from... Yeah, but I'm just saying it's a good phrase. I like that. Hold your beak.

Well, I'll tell you what the highlight for me, having said that Three Lions was played after every goal at the Panama game, and then also it was played at my son's sports day, the culmination of all this for me was that after the Belgium game, Andy Peters sang it on television. Did he? He did, yeah.

With the cast of Emmerdale in the wool pack. No. Which was... He didn't. That's it for me. I mean, where do you go from there? Is this another of your dreams? Did this happen?

No, it really happened. There's a thing, I didn't even That's it for me. I mean, where do you go from there? Is this another of your dreams? Did this happen? No, it really happened. There was, there's what, there's a thing, I didn't even know this was happening. I didn't know there was any publicity for it, but there was a, you know, breakfast, good morning Britain? Yeah. It was on after the match. Yes.

Hey. And they interviewed Pamela Anderson and asked her. And Danny Goyer. Piers Morgan said to Pamela Anderson, said, what did you think of the game? What did she say? What do you think she thought? What she normally thinks?

Nothing. You're not a fan of her? She's an activist. You had a great interview with her. She's an activist. Everybody's an activist. I'm not. Honestly, you've only got to wear a sticker.

You're an activist. She's an animal rights person now. Oh, is she? Oh, yeah. She's an animal rights person now. Oh, is she? Oh, yeah. She won't wear fur. She won't wear much. Let's face it. What will she wear?

She'd rather go naked. Yeah, well, we all need the money. I interviewed Pamela Anderson twice. Yeah. And I didn't care for her as a human. Why not? Don't get me wrong, we're all gods chilling, but if I had to write

a list of people who I've interviewed who I'd like to meet again, she would be low. She'd be above the dead. Yer him low. Because I'd be frightened if I met some of them again who have since passed. Frank, we've got this news just in.

Hold your beak in German. Okay. This is the right phrase. Halt den Schnabel. Okay. I'm happy with that. I'll use that. Halt den Schnabel.

Schnabel. Schnabel, yeah. Okay. This has probably been the most German section of the show that we've ever had. Yeah. You know when things are going bad, when you say during the songs, shall we try it? What if we did it in German?

It would be any better. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've got an explanation on the hold your beak comment. It makes sense, doesn't it? If you hold your beak, you don't speak. Oh, cock his beak? Said to me a few times in my childhood comes from little birds that are always chirping for food

so holding your mouth closed that's from aberdeen al yeah i'm all right with the hold your beak thing oh yeah oh okay well let's put that to rest. If the bird sound come out their beak, if they hold their beak, no sound will come out. OK, hold your schnabel. I mean, your song, It's Coming Home, has had a big week, hasn't it? But it was even adapted a little bit for headlines about the Germans, wasn't it? They're going home.

Oh, wasn't it? I hadn't seen that. But maybe I'm too literal. It should have been Fritz going home. Oh, nice. That would have been better, wouldn't it? Yeah. I feel a bit sorry for the German players because presumably they are arrogant enough

to think that they were going through even further. So they've probably selected their reading for like a whole month away. Like they would have taken a big book rather than like a slim novella. Yeah, they would have taken a big book rather than, like, a slim novella. Yeah, they would have. That's true. They strike me as some Kindle types.

Do you think? Oh, do you think? Kindle. I reckon one of them's going home thinking, I've brought war and peace, and when they read the start of war, there's tonnes left. He can put his trotters up now.

I suppose so, yeah. That's a Danny Dyer phrase, by all means. Yes, isn't it? OK, it's a callback to Danny Dyer's appearance on... What is that show, Frank? Is it Good Evening Britain? Is it Good Evening Britain? Is it?

That's a clever twist. Clever twist? I wouldn't say it was up there with the Sixth Sense. And also... Good Evening Britain. I think when the whole show is talking about England's World Cup game, I'd probably, I'd have changed to Britain. Yeah.

Because it's probably Good Evening England. It's funny you say that. I did a gig in Bangor in an art centre on Thursday. And I know Wales aren't in the World Cup, but I'm, you know, I'm Scottish technically. But, you know'm Scottish technically, but home nations, I feel like you could watch the football out of curiosity for your near neighbours.

I got to Bangor and I went, there was a Welsh opening act on. I said, I'm trying to watch the football, but I can't get the Wi-Fi to work. And he went, oh, football on, is there? And I thought, he's teasing, he's doing like an ironic version of, oh, we're not really watching it here.

And I said, yeah. And he went, what's that then? What's on? No, that must have been... I said, the World Cup, and he went, oh, World Cup, is it? And I was looking for a smile, and he said, are whales in it? I said, no. I still don't know to this day. I still don't know to this day if he was pulling my legs.

Could it be one of those kids who was raised in a cupboard? Possibly. I don't know if he'd have gone to work the night he got out. There must be a bit of convalescence involved. It did feel a bit pointed, though.

Surely he would have known that there was football. I think that was his way of saying I won't speak about it. I think he wanted to stand out and give himself a little personality. Very well. But nobody there seemed to know. Nobody seemed to be speak about it. I think he wanted to stand out and give himself a little personality. Very Welsh.

But nobody there seemed to know. Nobody seemed to be interested in it, even like in an intellectual curiosity way rather than... Well, I knew an Irish man who... Oh! England were playing... It's the beginning of a song. I knew an Irish man. His name was Galway Dan

oh yeah it wasn't and he he said to me oh we're going to absolutely hammer you

in the rugby and blah blah blah he went on and on about this big match well I have no interest in rugby whatsoever but he made it a bit of a thing

and England did win so I thought oh I'm going to give you some stick so I saw him that evening and I said don't say anything he said I've taped it and I knew that was a lie it was such a good way of stopping me

that is a very powerful lie that is great I'm going to say that to you about Doctor Who now respect to Munda Such a good way of stopping me talking about it. That is a very powerful lie. That is great. I'm going to say that to you about Doctor Who now. Respect to Munda. Yeah, yeah. No, Fang. I've taped it.

There was a big leak this week. Not in Wales. What was that? A Doctor Who? Probably was one in Wales. There was, yeah. But, yeah, big... Did the whole drive in one go, I was bursting. Big Doctor Who leak, a big...

Oh, was there? Was there? 52-second Jodie Whittaker clip was leaked. Okay. Did you have a look? Well... I mean, you're part of the firm now. If you read any...

If ever you read Twitter or anything, there'll always be people saying, I think it's absolutely disgusting that this is happening. It's leaking and don't send it to me. It's awful. And I think anyone who looks at it is vermin. Anyway, I quite

enjoyed it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And then you can follow the show on Twitter

at Frank on the Radio for similar purposes and you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website, thus producing a sort of belt and braces approach to communication. Well, you mentioned email, Frank Skinner, and we have had an email, which I'd like to share with the group. Thus producing a sort of belt and braces approach to communication. Well, you mentioned email, Frank Skinner, and we have had an email, which I'd like to share with the group. Because, you know, I want respect.

Well, I like to respect that medium. Yeah. This is from John in Birmingham. Oh, I remember when we was glad of it. Oh, email. Yeah. Before we had... The WhatsApps. Napsack and all those.

Do you do WhatsApp, Frank? No, don't be ridiculous. I'm glad. I wouldn't like Frank Skinner has left the group. That would chill me to the bone. The way it is for me with those things is, you know when you've got like a group of friends that you really feel,

I mean, I'm going back a bit, but people who you feel close to and people on the same wavelength and you're chatting with them and then you're joined by someone who's a bit unpleasant and a bit drunk saying they they just say stuff that and everyone's getting edgy and yeah then they'll pick people who you really like start going home so they won't be with that person isn't that social media i think the drunk guy in in the group is what i am in several WhatsApp groups, actually. And also I think they think they're funny.

So I quite often will say to my wife, God, I've been funny in a WhatsApp group today. It's a searing indictment on my own career. You were trolled. I think I am part troll in WhatsApp groups. Good job I'm not on Twitter. I hope none of the goats groff are listening. Meanwhile, over in Birmingham, John has this to say.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Frank's comments last week about the disappearance of the word oblong. Oh, yes. Do you remember that, Frank? I was on about, at school, we talked about oblongs. Yeah. And I think that went on for a while. Yeah.

And then rectangles seem to, it's a bit like the grey squirrel and the red squirrel. Yeah. Yes. It's the grey squirrel rectangle sort of drove the oblong out of its environment. It's an obsoletion, yeah. It's invalid. Anyway, John continues. It reminded me of a gig I went to over 20 years ago

by the eccentric musician Edward Barton. Oh, I don't know Edward Barton. I like to think... I like an eccentric musician, let's put it that way. Can I just say, he sounds so you already. By the way, I think the word is obsolescence, not obsolescence. Oh, sorry. I'm just saving you 500 emails coming in.

I know it's all money for absolute. No, I appreciate it. Barton instructed the audience not to applaud him, but to instead shout oblong if we'd enjoyed a song and rectangle if we hadn't. Oh. The full rationale. I like the cut of his gym.

Yeah. Yeah. The full rationale for this escapes me now, but I think it involved oblong having an appealing childlike quality to it, whilst rectangle was a much more formal and unattractive word. After one song, some wag in the crowd shouted, Rhombus, only to be tersely rebuked by Barton

for being facetious. A strange night indeed, praise redacted. What do you make of that? Rhombus is like a diamond, isn't it? Yes, I believe so. Is it like a leaning oblong? Like an oblong that's been pushed, slanted? Oh, I thought it was a diamond.

I've been such a fool of myself. Any geometricians listening? Yeah. But yeah, i like that i'd see oblong i think is a nicer sounding word it sounds you can imagine if someone was drowning that's the last thing they'd say yeah god yeah um you might must be you might let someone drown thinking that they were calling for an oblong that'd be embarrassing yeah the other thing i like about this anecdote is that um occasionally when i go to do stand-up and i think

oh i'm not really doing crowd-pleasing stuff like all the differences between men and women and when you go to amsterdam you end up in it and then you get hungry like you know that sort of you know it's a good summary fairly fairly obvious. I sometimes think my stand-up is kooky, and then I hear about this guy saying, can you shout out Oblong and Rectangle? And I think, no, I'm pretty mainstream. I think... What's he called again?

He's called Edward Barton. I'm writing it down. Well, I think you should, because you know what? I think you could get some git updates from him. He sounds like he could be a friend of yours. I think he's still around. I don't think he's passed. Well, the gig was over 20 years ago. Oh, well. So there's a chance.

Yeah. I think I know the shape of the coffin. What? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Erm, What else? The scapegoat in the waistcoat, Adrian is suggesting. Oh, I quite like it. But you see, that would please...

When he was planning his thing... We're talking about Gareth Southgate, by the way. Yeah, we were saying Steve McLaren will always be, I suppose, the Wally with the Brodley. And I think Gareth's gone for the signature waistcoat because it's hard to rhyme with it. If he's the scapegoat in the waistcoat, that's good for him because it suggests he's been met a scapegoat.

You're correct. I wonder if he planned it that far ahead. He wants to be careful, of course, that the Americans don't write about him because they call it a vest. And then it gets easier with the call it a vest. Oh, yeah. And then it gets easier, but they're pesting the vest.

Yeah, absolutely. A few people have sent in that they used to be called Weskit, didn't they? Oh, they did, yeah. Yeah, but I don't think it helps with the rhyme. No, I don't think it does. Unless... You all right, Emily Dean?

Yeah, sorry. My tweet's just disappeared. You've got that hands-out face like an emoji. Yeah. Like, what?! I know. But if he ended up working at the Besket Stadium... Oh, yeah.

Then he'd be the Wesket at the Besket. I like the idea that a pest is the worst thing that you can be called. Well, I'm trying to think of anything that rhymes with vest. Oh, 100 has pointed out a pushed over oblong rectangle is a parallelogram. That's where I've made a mistake. I remember those. A diamond is the rhombus. See, I said the diamond was the rhombus.

You're right. You're absolutely right, Frank. And you were right. That's why I'm reading it to you. To tell you that you were right. That's the first geometry thing I've got right in my whole life. I don't tell you any of the ones that say you're wrong. No, thanks.

You can say obsolution is the bad news. Can you? Yeah. I'm happy with that. Okay. Sorry, I was just trying to help with the obsolescence. Yeah. Obsolescence could be what people are

when they're no longer adolescents. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Let's write that down as well. Edward Barton. Mr Barton used to be the bloke who used to bring the telly in at school. In a brown janitor's coat. No, that was what was weird about Mr Barton.

Because you know this thing, I must have mentioned this before, but kids listening, like my son watches telly at school all the time. They have telly in the lessons. Yeah. And my brother was teaching. Never mind. And they... Got you a few houses.

Yeah. Yeah, true. But that was then. True. else's yeah yeah true but um but that was then true i uh when we had a like they used to say gonna video today i would think wow all right but there was no suggestion that the teacher was going to be allowed could operate a video recorder so mr barton would wheel in the telly mr barton i am not lying to you when he brought the telly in and the video, he used to be wearing a lab coat. Like he'd brought in a radioactive isotope.

Highly toxic material. So we'd all watch in awe as he did the tracking and everything. Did they ring him and say, can you bring the telly, Mr Barnwell? No, I haven't got my lab coat today, so I can't handle the telly. So he would come in, he'd put the VHS in, he'd set it up, he'd get the right channel.

It's quite an elaborate thing. And then it would appear, there would be the programme we were going to watch. Well, radio radio. Usually about the fishing industry in Scandinavia, I'll give you that. And then he'd go and when the programme was getting near the end

sometimes the teacher would nip out to get Mr Barton I think it's going to end in a minute Come on Mr Barton, get your coat on Yeah, it was Mr Barton had to turn the telly off. Yeah. You don't want videotapes spooling all around the room.

I think it was fear of spooling more than anything. Absolutely terrified. He made sure he'd got straight edges on the biro for rewinding. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Here's an interesting thing. BT have had to cover up, you know, these sort of green, like, broadband cable boxes? You know, these things that you occasionally see a guy kneeling at and there's just like a million cables and wires.

They're very slim cupboards aren't they I'll tell you something now because I read this story about the what we used to call an eyesore one of them was

an eyesore the unsightly broadband box and that is the first time I knew that that's what those green things what did you think

was in them books I'd sit on someone just put their books in there because they didn't have enough room in their house. Maybe it's for the street, like a communal thing, they all get a key. Frank's like, I love those libraries. When posh people get a key to a

park in the middle of the square. In our road, there's a thing where you can park your bike in. Oh, is there? Yeah. Maybe Frank thought they'd just be nice. I don't mean a bottom. Yeah, like the old middle college.

I mean the thing with like a roof on it you can lock your bike in. So it could be that. It could be like communal bookcase. I feel sad for you, Frank. People haven't got a bookcase

or any kind of shelving in their home. Yeah, but I think maybe you hoped that you would open it one day and there'd be all ceramic figurines inside. I'll be honest,

I've seen men, as Alan said, I've seen men, as Alan said, I've seen men kneeling. Fiddling with the wires, yeah. And there's a lot of wires in there. I always think if I said to him, okay, where does that one go? He wouldn't be able to tell me exactly. They look too random, the wires.

I reckon that job's 90% guesswork. Oh no! I'll tell you what I think it is. It's like, you know on your car dashboard there's about three things you have to use. So I'm just going to, whoa! The switchboard's lighting up. I mean, I'm not having a go at them.

Okay. No. Fair play, I'd say. I don't think you should have a go. I think you're going to have some idea what's going on in there. Yeah. Anyway, so they, I'd have thought the ones I've seen have been green generally speaking. Yeah. And this was one in the countryside. It's green.

I thought the problem would be people walking into it rather than it being an eyesore. Yeah. Oh, no, because it stood out because it was against an old wall, didn't it? It was sort of a foot away or something. I mean, come on, how perfect do you want your life to be? Oh, I love the fact that the locals come to it. That's a good question.

At 12.15, how perfect do you want your life to be? Out of 100 rather than 10. I mean, you can't tolerate a box outside the house. It is a nice problem to have, isn't it? You know your village is doing all right if people are going, that green box in front of the nice flint wall,

that's a problem. Yeah. But they did cut conceal it didn't they brilliant they really did we should say they wrapped it using one of those sort of screen wrap things um to make it look almost exactly like the wall is just behind it yeah it's really disguised it very well it was it was uh i do want to like that might be a problem with people walking into it now. Can we just give a big hand for the council, please? Not the police. Well, there's a quote. I'm holding back because I have a quote. I have a quote from the chairman of the Paris council

who said, and this is a quote... I haven't my hat. Listen, he said... A letter. No, I read this in the paper. I wrote it down. I liked it so much. He said... A letter? No, I read this in the paper. I wrote it down. I liked it so much. He said,

I saw workers meticulously covering the box with wall-themed material. Having seen the box, I'd sort of guessed that that process had happened. It was like him saying, I'll tell you how they did this. No, we can work that out, mate. Trying to spoil the magic.

Parrish Council. Smarrish Council. Was he the one that said it looks reasonable enough as a review? Is that what he said? I don't know. That was a bit rude, wasn't it? I mean, I think it's... I like the idea of matching it exactly to the wall. I love it.

Yeah. I want to do my car and put it in front of my house so that people can't see that I've got a car there. Yeah, but wouldn't people keep parking on top of it? Oh, that's a problem, yeah. People drive into it all the time. That is a point. Now they've set this precedent, they've made a Rod Liddle for their own back.

Every time. The supermarket entrepreneur. I thought he was a scathing colonist. No, he is. Yeah. No, what I'm saying is everyone's going to demand one of these boxes. I think there'll be problems with it, is my prediction. I do.

You're welcome. I'll say two weeks before somebody doing a three-point turn backs into that box and they'll say, well, I couldn't see. It looked like it was

a wall thus further away than it was. I think it's, you know, they're dabbling. There's been no experimentation. It's like VAR. They've gone straight into the deep end.

You know, they've gone work in progress. They've made it a real thing, a tangible thing. We can only guess the implications of the camouflage broadband box. I think it's a story we should keep an eye on.

Yes, definitely. But I think they'll be blood. Absolute Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Clive Silas, one of our regulars has got in touch with Green Box Anecdote I use the green box outside our house to help me

park my car when I'm level with the centre lock, the back end of the car is not on the double yellows excellent I mean it only applies to to clive obviously yeah well you know might apply to others i use it for discarded soft drink cans that's all right isn't it you're down the back what is shelf if you don't have the key to the lower shelving you have to go on the top what about when the doors are randomly open oh i don't

like that. I just think the whole neighbourhood's going to go on like Tinder. Yes, I tell you what, that would be what about that for a game of dare? Using it when the doors are open, using it as a urinal. Oh no. Wow.

Don't do that, by the way. Absolute radio is saying don't do that. No, definitely. No. We're weeing on electricity matters. I think that's our slogan, isn't it? Do you ever wear disguises? You love being recognised, don't you?

So you're unlikely to bother with disguises. I love being recognised. It's one of my big things. You actually do, though. I'm prepared to walk around with a camera held above my head to draw attention. I know famous people who moan about it, but you love it. I'm prepared to walk around with a camera held above my head to draw attention. I know famous people who moan about it, but you love it. He stays in hotels and says he likes to have the breakfast in the hotel dining room.

So he can give them a little wave. Well, I tell you what, my brother, Terry, used to look in the mirror and say... Is that our Terry? Our Terry. So he'd look in the mirror and say, God, I am good looking. To be fair, R. Terry is handsome. No, and he was, you know, when he was young, he was knockout good looking. And my mum used to say, oh, that's a terrible sign. And he said, no, I remember it was, it's ones that

look in the mirror and don't say anything you want to worry about. Yeah. I can't remember how I got to this. Because you were... So what you're presumably saying is people that say, I hate being recognised. Yeah, they are liars. They'll miss it more than I will, those celebs.

Celebs saying, oh, no, I got... You see the ones with the cap on? They are. They've got the cap on, but they're walking with their chin up thinking, come on, it is me. They love it. They absolutely love it.

Does everybody love it? Of course they do. I very rarely in my life feel a need to wear a baseball cap, but sometimes I wear a baseball cap. Sadness may be anyone, any British man. We can all take a moment of sadness, but if I wear a baseball cap and sunglasses simultaneously, I always think as I'm putting them on,

I look like I'm in disguise. This is a disguise. Totally. Every single time. I agree with that. That's all. You look disguised as someone from Wisconsin. I think you look like one of those five-year-olds

you see when they go into the adverts on the X Factor. They often have a kid dancing with a baseball cap on and the parents have put dark glasses and a cap on so they look cool. Stupid parents. That's an insult now, parents. It's too late now. You can't take them away.

No. Okay. It's a difficult job, parenting. I'll give you that. Apparently. Don't text him. I respect you. Don't text him. I respect you. Don't text him.

Look after your kids. Yeah, what was I saying? I was going to go on to say I respect you for something, but I might just leave it at I respect you. Okay, thanks. I'm happy with that. Because I think that's lovely, isn't it? No caveat necessary. If I'm going to get, what I like, if I'm going to get respect, I like multiple choice. Yeah, I respect you. So if you give me

three things and I'll work out which one you respect me for. What I was going to ask was, do you want me to move on? Because the fence is in place. I'll ask you in a minute. A dainty has actually got her arms folded. I was terrified of that. I remember women from my childhood, if you'd done anything bad, they'd fold their arms and just look at you.

And Frank, it was accompanied by a trombone, maybe? Huh? I don't think anyone had brass in our road. Like you. I think that might be another part of Chrissie Hynde's cake order. You have got the right money. I mean, you've got brass in pocket and don't get meringue. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank get meringue. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about those made-over broadband boxes, but... Yeah, why don't they do speed cameras? They're a garish yellow. Also better to camouflage. Yeah, camouflage them. And then people would be driving carefully all the time

rather than just in between those boxes. What can I in between mean? When you're next to those boxes. You're implying that we speed and then slow down for speed cameras. Well, I think occasionally that happens. There was some other makeover news this week. I want you to cast your mind back first to the fresco of Christ

do you remember that? very good do you remember this? the fresco that was it was a botched restoration job the sort of feeling I don't know if this is true

is a kind local pensioner offered to... Cecilia Jimenez. ..renovate a fabulous piece of Renaissance art. Yes. And they left it to it, basically. I would argue that they only ever... Thanks, love. See you Tuesday. They only ever really report on restoration projects

in the normal papers when they can put the word botched before it. Because it's not like, oh, leading news. It's a dull story, though, isn't it? A successful restoration. It's a non-story. Botched and restoration is the new spate of cancellations. So, yes, this has happened again with a statue of St George, also in Spain.

And the woman was from a local craft shop for children, I believe. Oh, well, fair enough. She sounds qualified. She wasn't just someone who came in out of nowhere. Did you see the St George statue? Yeah. What did you make of it? They made it look like it was off Toy Story or something like that.

Yeah, they did. It had an element to that. I quite liked it. Yeah, me too. The truth is, I think a lot of ye olde statues were painted. Yeah? And we find that, we think, oh, I love the way they're painted. They're all sort of faded and seafier.

And I know, they were garish. It was quite Peppa Pig, the complexione. Yeah. And the eyebrows were a bit Love Island. Other than that, I quite liked it. It was St George, wasn't it? He's done well, hasn't he, St George? What do you mean?

Well, if you consider St George, he's got the England thing going and all that and various other countries and he's a patron saint of England and he's got his cross, very popular. He's got his cross? He has done well, you're right He's done well that he's based

his entire fame on beating a fictional, a thing that everyone believes now is fictional Do you know, you're right, he's got a great PR It's like if I got a night head I might look into his PR for my Edinburgh show Hello, I'm calling about George I've got a lovely client He beat something that didn't exist Looking to his PR for my Edinburgh show. Hello, I'm calling about George.

I've got a lovely client. He beat something that didn't exist and he's got all those accolades. Very good. If I got knighted, for example, for my work combating the effects of the Millennium Bog, it's like that. Yeah. If we win the World Cup, I think you might get knighted.

But what did he... Can you imagine? Is this where Frank's hinting about knighthood begins? It'll be Sir Gareth Southgate. I hope David Baddiel puts a suit on for that. What about Sir Harold Kay? I worry about you beginning a knighthood hint because you've already been proven that it works with Doctor Who.

I feel like... Yeah, I don't think it will. I think you should get a knighthood. Thanks very much. Who, I feel like. Yeah, I don't think it will. I think you should get a knighthood. Thanks very much. Well, I appreciate that. Well, also for... Don't hold your breath. Yeah, well done.

Charitable works that aren't spoken about so publicly, maybe. Anyway, listen. The patron saint of entrepreneurialism is St Michael, isn't it? Yes, St Michael. M&S. Because of Martin Spencer. Oh. Is it not? It's the church of St Michael., isn't it? Yes, St Michael. M&S. Because of Marks & Spencer. Oh. Is it not?

It's the church of St Michael. Oh, is it? They should just call it the church of M&S. Who's the River Islander? What's their label? Have they got a sin? They've got a label. They haven't got a sin.

No, but they've got a label. Their label isn't called River Island. In other words, you'd think Marks & Spencer. Can I just say I love that you know this? Yes. Yeah, but I can't remember what it is now. What's it called? Anyway, I told 50...

Text us quickly if you know. We haven't got long. Hurry. The way Marks & Spencer's is St. Michael, River Island has got something else as their label. Okay, so you're not big in our demographic because I haven't heard from anyone yet. Could it be...

I don't think I've been in River Island. Surely one of these girls knows in the studios. Because, okay... Yeah, right. Sorry, that's so rude. Yeah, I bet. No, yeah, rude about River Island. Does it still exist, River Island? Yes, it's doing very well.

I've said that now, there'll be a rush on selling the shares. That'll be the end of it. God forbid. Could it possibly be a scam? Because Eke Homo was a pew filler I think is that a phrase in the church community

I think a pew filler that's how Frank describes his gigs yeah I think it was a pew filler. No, it's very successful now. You're right. So I wonder if everyone wants to botch renovation

to bring tourists in. Yeah. Stop them in their tracks. I didn't think it was that controversial. No, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to find out if there's any River Island updates. But there aren't. Okay.

Okay. We can't end with that. We can't end the show with there are any River Island updates. But there aren't. Okay. We'll find out. We can't end with that. We can't end the show with there are no River Island updates. I think that's a good thing. I think it could be a run on the shares thing. We could close them down in a week. Do you know who PHS has closed?

I know you told me that. I was shocked. You know when you get news like that you didn't know about? Yeah. Like the camping bloke who told us that England might have deliberately lost to get an easier run. That's how I felt with BHS. We've all been there. Yeah. Any road up.

Thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? time next week. Now get out.