The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Sardines on a train

Episode Date: May 28, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away, so Emily is in the host's seat and is joined by Gareth and Alun. The team discuss Gareth's idea for a children's book, Alun's fishy train habit and supermarket café etiquette.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Frank's not here this morning, something about a confession, hat and garden robbery, I'm not quite sure. But we're going to keep the seat warm. I'm joined as ever by the luscious Alan Cockrell. Everybody was gone for fighting. Absolutely. Alan Cockrell. Excellent. And Gareth Richards is in the house as well.

Hello. How come he gets that? I don't know. I didn't know what to play. Oh, really? I just saw Russian National Anthem. This reminds me of The Hunt for Red October. Daisy, how do you make it stop? Oh, OK, it's stopped.

Are you talking about me or the music? A bit of both, really. Early. Yeah, that's Gareth Richards, Spectacle Wearer of the Year. To be. He'd be a great Spectacle Wearer of the Year. Oh, thank you. Insofar as he wears spectacles.

No, I think he suits them. They look like they're part of him. Some people look like they were born in specs. No, they are separate. We should do the business. OK. You can text us on 8-12-15. You can, we say follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio. What we actually mean is you can tweet us, at Frank on the Radio, and you can email the show via the Absolute Radio radio website we've actually had some emails during the night you know i'd like to do my friday night troll i don't like to uh make the show all about me but we've had a uh that's where you and i part company we've had an email during the night last night 11 15 why someone's thinking of me at 11 15 i've no idea but it's But it's entitled, Alan Cochran, beard or no beard? Hi, Emily, Gareth and Alan.

So it's somebody that knew that it was us three today. Yeah, OK. Good attention to detail. Long-time podcast listener, first-time email. They then put some praise, which I'll delete. I have two random questions for Lecoq Sportif. One, does he currently have a beard? I think I do, currently. Yes, I would verify that. One, does he currently have a beard? I think I do, currently.

Yes, I would verify that. Oh, yeah, you're very beardy. It's almost Game of Thrones-y. I think it's a bit gingery, so it might not be. You might not spot it. Two, was he walking the streets of Manchester on Thursday? I was working on the markets this week. OK, this is getting a bit sleazy now.

Working on the markets near Exchange Square and I was 99% sure that I saw Alan. Even staring at him for at least three seconds. However, no beard. I hope I didn't miss my chance to meet the great man himself. That's me, I'm assuming. Right. Unless there was another great man nearby,

like a statue or something. Yeah. Matt, living in Manchester from London. Prisoner 896. Well, Matt. Okay, thank you for your missive, Matt. Yeah, welcome, Matt. So this wasn't you, I'm assuming? I don't think it can have been.

I was in Manchester on Tuesday. It's all right, you're not on trial here. I know. I'm not accusing you of having an affair. I'm just wondering if he's misremembered. And I did have a beard. So if it's me on Tuesday with a a beard then yeah that was me if it was um somebody else without a beard on thursday that's somebody else and just if he got the day and facial hair status wrong yeah then it was definitely you well this

is how uh you know the police say that thanks for clearing that up gav people have got terrible memories haven't they that's why witnesses what if he's wearing a false beard yeah who me yeah yeah i'm talking about you right now sure it's it i have to sort um discuss something i'll try and get it off during a song i can't wait grappling um so yesterday gareth had said to me he said uh i'm doing a gig in london and i said oh that's great where are you playing and he said the royal albert hall oh well i laughed which apparently wasn't the correct response that's not what the audience did because he then said no i genuinely am playing the royal albert hall and he said there was a smaller sort of area oh yeah by the looms or something i mean i have also played the main room have you yes have you al no no no no i haven't either i think i've sat in the box me too i think i i me as well i went to East 17 when I was at school at the Royal Albert Hall.

Sorry, why were you sitting in a box for East 17? Well, my school friend's dad worked for the Daily Express and he got us tickets to see... Stop name dropping. He got us tickets to see East 17. East 17 played the Royal Albert Hall. That's the bit of the story that I'm most impressed by. I can't imagine that.

It was quite a long time ago. I just can't imagine them coming on stage at the Royal Albert Hall. I mean, extraordinary. They had a support act who vomited on stage. Are you sure that was support act? That was Brian Harvey. So I got this missive from Gareth last night, which was the longest explanation I've ever received in my life

right um well i say explanation no what it was about have i got time to read it now daisy or shall i okay oh she's shaking her head in a really emphatic way of course you don't it was yeah i like that it was like the cath owner saying no we're closed now no. It's good to tease the next link, though, isn't it? Yeah, and I need to also give some context, because I don't want to be misrepresented here. As if I'd do that, the very idea. OK, just so you know, so it starts, Hey, Em, felt bad for putting you off.

Full stop. Oof. OK, we'll come back to that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we, boys? I think you were about to expose me about an email that I sent you in confidence in our private lives.

Oh, my goodness, that sounds... Well, guess what? I learnt from the best. So, Gareth sent me this email. Hey, Em. Well, can I set the scene? Yeah. Right, so earlier in the week, we'd talked on the phone and I'd said...

This isn't the OJ trial. You said, what gigs have you got coming up? And I said, well, I'm in London on Friday night. And you were like, oh, that sounds interesting. What are you doing? And I said, the alcohol. You've made me sound like some Coronation Street barmaid when have I ever said in my life oh that sounds interesting over the back fence folded underneath my bosom at the time um and I'm allowed to say that it's in a song okay you you said um well I said oh yeah I'm allowed to say that. It's in a song. No, Natch. Okay. You said, well, I said, oh, yeah, I'm doing a gig at the Albert Hall. And she said, oh, and I said, not the main room.

Shall I just read the email? Well, no, because, and then... Why email? You said, oh, who's on? WhatsApp. What's wrong with you people? Gareth, can you just let me read it? Hey, Em.

Felt bad for putting you off. When I mention a gig, I get paranoid that people think I'm hinting that they should come. So I was putting you off, not because I didn't want you to come, but because I didn't want you to think I wanted you to come. In case you came because you felt pressured rather than because you wanted to.

But if you wanted to, that would be lovely. We could hang out. It would be nice. But fine if you don't. Right. It's late. I'll see you on Saturday. And that was the 1st of 28, was it?

Yeah. Just repeatedly explaining it. I enjoy it. I think that is self-explanatory. I think you'll agree I've elegantly handled that social situation. I'm not sure about that last bit, but I do think it is self-explanatory. Or over-explanatory, I might say. I didn't really understand by the end of the email what I was supposed to do.

Yeah. I mean, were you saying you wanted me to come or you didn't? I'm saying I don't want to press you in any way and you're free to come or you're free not to come. But I don't want to be pushing you in it. And I also, what you kindly cut out is the last line that said, I'm extremely stressed at the moment, Em. I know, but I thought that made you sound unhinged. Yes, no, but I think that email only makes sense in the light of that.

Oh, really? So, Al, do you feel similarly at gigs then? Is this something that goes through every comic's mind? Is this an insight into you? I don't have enough social conversations for people thinking i'm inviting them to my shows to be a hazard i mean literally i well i clearly don't have a lot of experience with social situations there's a one-off that i've been handled badly i want to reassure you that my respect and love for you only grew as a result of that exchange how was the gig

though that's what i want to know it was fine okay um would you say it's a bit of a sticky room and it wasn't full can we not be two comics in a pub talking about how is your gig oh okay i'm not sure we can do that i'll send you an email all right yeah it's my post absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio oh i know what i need to tell you about well there's quite a lot so firstly i went to buzz's birthday oh nice yeah um frank's son buzz frank's son buzz Yeah. Frank Sunbuzz. Frank Sunbuzz, who was four. Was he four? I hope so. Well, that card's going to be embarrassing.

Anyway, it was lovely. It was in a church hall match. I should really leave this to Frank, because I'm sure he'll have a lot to say on the matter himself. Yes. But from my perspective, I mean, the thing I liked about it was that there were Eastern European ukulele players. Can't go wrong. OK. Is that what they were called?

No. They were actually Eastern European ukulele players. And I spent some large percentage of the party outside, though, because I got a call from Adrian Childs. Well, someone handed me my mobile and said, you've got six missed calls from Adrian Childs. Well, someone handed me my mobile and said, you've got six missed calls from Adrian. And he was having some trouble locating the party. So then he did an extraordinary thing. He was on his bike.

I called him back. He said, all right, I'm outside the house. What do I do? Where do I go? I said, well, you shouldn't be outside the house. You should be here. Because we're not, the venue is different. So he then said to me well i don't

know where to go can you were dropping me on your whatsapp no now i'm i'm gonna admit it i'm over 40 so is he the the i'm sorry you should not be talking about drop pinning people on your whatsapp at this age i scroll numbers on an eyeliner on on an old, you know, back of an envelope. Yeah, I like old school stuff like, left at the post office, and then it's by that pub. Can you send out a posse for me? To track me down? Have you ever had anyone ask you to drop in them on their WhatsApp? Not on the WhatsApp, but I have had people ask to drop in, and I just, I just said, no, I can't do stuff like that. Do you? I found it quite confusing. I managed to do just said, no, I can't do that. Do you?

I found it quite confusing. I managed to do it. He said, I'll talk you through it, which was slightly patronising. So he did and that was fine. And then I spent a large part of the day standing outside the church looking for Ray Mears lookalike on a bike. Bicycle?

Is it a bicycle or a motorised bike? No, he's got a motorised bike. He's got a midlife crisis motorbike. Yeah, yeah. Wow. He's going to a party on a motorcycle yes we had a wonderful day that i turned up with loads of presents in a slightly muhammad al-fayed at a child's party way i was just weighed down with bags um i think busted rather well out of me i'm'm going to say. That's good. Yeah, he got a pirate ship. Cool.

Yeah, I think he's pleased with it. But he, Buzz had a bit of a nightmare because he had a same-dress nightmare. He turned up as Superman and so did another boy. Oh, no. Yeah, that will happen, I think. He stalled it out. He did quite well, I thought. Was one of them evil Superman? Because there is, in Superman 2, there is an evil Superman as well and they fight.

That's a good way of getting around that problem. And, yeah. Well, I was just a bit, I mean, he seemed fine about it. He didn't seem unhappy about it. But I just think it's a strong look, the Superman costume. I've got one under these clothes. I'm always wearing one. And I guess Agent Charles looked a bit like

sort of a Marvel X-Men villain, because was he wearing leathers? He had a leather jacket on, yes. If you've got a motorbike, it's the one form of transport that tells people by your dress how you got there. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. So the switchboard has lit up. Yeah. People are very excited about what we've been talking about. Oh, what have they said? Board game Haver says, Evil Superman was in Superman 3, not 2. Sheesh.

OK. Gareth, it in Superman 3 not 2. Sheesh. Okay. Gareth at Superman 3. I like that that's your idea of people are very excited about what we've said. 553 has texted have to correct you there guys. Actually it was Gareth not all of us. Have to correct you there guys. Superman 3 has the nasty one he goes bad after Richard Pryor gives him

dodgy kryptonite. I've heard that. I like the idea. That was a terrible night Matt. 1997 I think it was. If you go out with Richard Pryor you will get some dodgy kryptonite. I've had that. I like the idea that there's... That was a terrible night, that. 1997, I think it was. Yeah, if you go out with Richard Pryor, you will get some dodgy kryptonite, man. No longer with us, of course. The implication being that there's... Thanks, Gav.

...some really high-calibre kryptonite knocking about. Just watch the dodgy stuff, yeah? Yeah, you never know what it's... Is he essentially a drug addict or something? Who? I mean, that seems to be the metaphor, doesn't it, this kryptonite thing was he strung out i don't know i don't look for metaphor and stuff i'm just watching it

for explosions he couldn't go near it i think it was more of an allergy exactly it was more of a very bad allergy he had to kryptonite he couldn't oh was it like gluten intolerance yeah very similar imagine that was he celiac or something? Yeah, maybe. Oh, poor Superman. Imagine if you know someone who doesn't have gluten and then they go, ah, bread. That sounds like a description of me. That would be a terrible superhero film, wouldn't it?

Mm-hmm. Gluten free man. Oh, do you want to hear about the cup final? Oh, I thought you were still on the part A. Well, no one said yes, but I'm going to talk about it anyway. I mean, you know the results. What cup final? Oh, Alan, can you...

It seems Gareth doesn't know. The FA Cup final was last week, right? It was Crystal Palace and Man United. I'm learning. So all the fans came from the same place, ha ha. Ha ha. Oh, I love that laugh. That was like a laugh you give to a pensioner when they make a joke. Um. Ha ha. Oh, I love that laugh. That was like a laugh you give to

a pensioner when they make a joke. Yeah. Ha ha. Um, but I went along. I had to go straight after Buzz's birthday which was somewhat stressful. Packed Saturday you had last week. Oh! Was it ever? Radio show, brunch, birthday party, football, cup final. Dinner with the Rosses in the evening

afterwards. No way. Yes! You are kidding. I'm not that's more social engagements and professional engagements than i've had in a month i think i like to keep my diary full i am the opposite and my plate empty what i discovered at the cup final i mean i have experienced this before but can i ask you a question i don't want this to obviously descend into men eh but having said that why when the national anthem comes on and it's hard to illustrate this i appreciate this is not a visual medium but bear with me listeners i'm sure you can understand what i'm trying to say here when the national anthem comes on men put their hands aloft

in a sort of olymp Olympic dive position and just hold their hands there for the entire time. That's the first thing that I find really strange. The second thing they do is they clap after the national anthem. Right. They go like... Yeah. And then they rub their hands together like this.

As if they're excited and gleeful for the action to start. Why do you do this? I think that's more to do with the event than the national anthem because i don't think people always do that but i think that's might be something that happens at football events okay alan my um i i don't i don't know i hadn't noticed they do that but i do like it i think it's quite you would call it cute wouldn't you that rubbing of the hands together i don't like the gleeful rubbing of the hands it feels a bit creepy do you take away in the house i go oh here we go i think the reason i find it weird is when 80 000 people doing it it's a very strange swishing sound yeah they all do it together yeah honestly creepy go to a football match, you'll hear, God save the Queen.

Times 80,000. Yes. No, I don't know that. OK. I did. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, when I was at the cup final, I was lucky enough to see one of the most embarrassing moments in television history. Oh, no. The pre-show, the warm-up. Yeah. I saw Tiny Temper come out, firstly, in a silver...

What looked to be like a tinfoil jacket. So they had acts at the FA Cup final. Yeah. And then some, actually. Really? They had so many acts that it overran and the football kicked off late. Dancing girls. Dancing girls.

Don't sound so creepy. Box at the Royal Albert Hall for you. I don't want to tell them how to do their jobs, but I think we've already said that the crowd is somewhere in the region of 80,000. I think it's 70-something, isn't it? Of a particular sort of demographic, I imagine. Yeah. I don't think that's an easy gig.

But then they booked someone tiny. What, Tiny Temper? Yeah, they booked someone... Like, surely they should have gone, let's get someone massive to really fill up that space. It just feels as well. He feels... Like a giant man.

Yeah. Yes, they could get... Get a big performer. Well, you're suggesting you, essentially. Not someone tiny. No, I don't think I would have done it. He had a tinfoil... We'll let them know next year.

No, that's not a definite... That's not a solid no, by the way. I mean, I suppose it was Wembley. I could have still got to the comedy store in Piccadilly. Yeah, it would have been a tight double up, though. He's not ruling himself out, though. Speak to my people for next year, that's what I'm saying. Can I just say,

I am not doing stand-up at the FA Cup final. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tiny Temper, I mean, he's adorable, isn't he? Yes. But he had a silver tinfoil jacket and it did it was very super bowl the whole thing and i feel that's wrong in a sense for football because it's more

should be pies and brass bands and there was a brass band and they also had you know every year they have someone singing god save the queen yeah as i've just discussed yeah but they picked a lady this year called karen harding seems very nice but i have no idea who she is no is she supposed to be from the x factor well you say supposed to be that's quite rude isn't it but she i tell you what she was i thought she came third it turned out she reached boot camp boot camp yeah she was boot camp on the X Factor so she was on X Factor but that's the thing because I watch X Factor

and I don't recognise her no there are a lot of people on X Factor I didn't particularly recognise her but she I mean you know to be fair to her I didn't know she was good with the boots because of football boots did she put on her CV experience at boot camp and they got the wrong idea?

They thought she could clean them. And thought she'd, yeah. But she did something terrible, which is she missed her cue. Missed it, didn't she? It's literally the stuff of anxiety dreams, isn't it? Like, properly. I have dreams like that, where I hear in a different room of a building, like, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Alan Cochran.

And I'm sat backstage chatting to somebody and eating a pork pie or something she's lived an anxiety dream and also there's a big gig like that is a big gig to miss that queue doesn't get bigger than this oh awful it is a lot of people but then i don't know how do you say, I loved you before the Epcot final? What do you say to them? Well, what she did, I was there and I saw her. She missed the entire first verse. So she just joined in. The entire first verse. She joined in with Happy and Glorious.

That's right. They got so desperate, they cut to Wayne Rooney. That's how desperate. But she just said Happy and Glorious and then she sort of ran off afterwards. So she didn't sing and did she not know it was happening? She knew it was happening. She knew she'd missed it. She fiddled with her earpiece, yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, I've done, like, gigs with a hundred people in, and some of

them have been distracting. But if you do a gig with 80,000 people in, and they all start singing the song you're all meant to be singing, that might be considered off-putting, mightn't it? I think you're making excuses for her. I'm being nice. She missed a cue and it ended in disaster, I'm afraid. Is this online? What, this show? Is there a video of it?

Yes, you can watch it. I've watched it. I'm going to watch it. You didn't think that they might be filming the FA Cup finals? Yeah, they had cameras there, Gareth. Oh, if there somebody had their phone there we could have looked at this no well i'm gonna watch it and um i'll tell you what i think i love is this online yes they recorded the fa cup final but i you know she looks awkward in it i'll put it that way sounds awkward yeah you Yeah. You'll enjoy it. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show. Frank's not here this morning and I miss my big daddy, but, you know, he'll be back. Oh, don't... I don't know about big daddy. I personally find that makes me feel a little queasy. Does it?

Yeah, definitely. I've had a retch lately. I, I personally find that makes me feel a little queasy. Does it? Yeah, definitely. I've had a wretch lately. I call him Big Daddy. I always have. Well, I'm sorry. I'll think of a name for you. It makes me think of a big southern gentleman wearing a white suit and a hat. No, that's not very Frank.

He's a small Birmingham gentleman. Yeah. He's not small. No. Anyway, you can text the show. He's not tiny. You see, like, he's not... Okay, you can text the show on 81215.

You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, and please do. And we were talking about Karen Harding. Yes, I watched that video. That's difficult to watch. What did you think? She doesn't... But the thing is, she doesn't look awkward, like, oh, no, something's happening, and I'm not quite sure what. She looks absolutely in a world of her own she

looks really happy and there's in the shot I saw there was a brass band in the same shot playing the National Anthem and she still couldn't hear and she didn't seem to be able to hear she had technical difficulties yeah that is a very passiveive way of blaming someone else for the situation. OK. So, to add to the cruelty, we thought we should do a text-in on what have you missed or forgotten. That's our text-in this morning on 8.12.15. You can text us.

I once nearly missed a gig at the Edinburgh Festival because I went for curry with friends and like you know when you go in and you're like i'm in a bit of a rush and then the food arrives or doesn't arrive and then you just completely forget it's almost like you wanted to get value for money out i ended up sprinting the street with nan bread hanging out of my mouth and a tummy full of curry see i wouldn't do't do that. I would just leave the food. Oh, no. I probably wouldn't go to the gig, to be honest.

No, I wouldn't do the gig. You'd never have started a career in stand-up, probably. But to be fair... Or just life took a different path. Have you ever forgotten your lines? I once dried when I was playing bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream at school. I do hear you at dry bottom.

It's one of my rules. Oh, you had to, didn't you? I used those wet wipes. I did, and I just... I don't know what happened. I forgot my lines, and I was really... I really reckoned myself.

I thought I was really funny. And I think it was because I was really upset that I didn't get Titania, because I wasn't one of... You know, I wasn't blonde, and I wasn't sort of that type. So I thought, well, I'm just going to go funny. This is the only way.

And then I got the part of... Is that the guy who has a donkey head? Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't a guy, though. You thought you'd play that for laughs. It was a good idea, actually. I thought I could maybe bring something to the part.

Yeah. And then... And I did a northern accent for some reason. Well, that's what people do in the south of England when they're playing comedy characters I thought it would make it inherently more funny and you were right

except when I forgot my lines that's what Alan's doing he's from Surrey everyone I'm sorry to can you imagine if alan was really posh paying the bills though aren't i with this funny northern thicko character i'm doing your shtick anyway i just decided because i forgot my lines i thought right i'm just there's a bit where he falls over and dies and i just did it early wow and it was fine and i just lay there and no one really noticed i think my colleagues were a bit upset with me, but there you go.

And everybody loved your bottom. Yeah. Oh, God. I once... It feels like an old joke, but I can't remember hearing it before. Because it is an old joke. You once what, darling? When I take Elijah to preschool, well, not anymore, actually,

but he used to have to be pushed on a... That's Gareth's son, FYI. Yes, not the prophet from the Old Testament. No. It's good to clarify. Is that what he's going to have to say for the rest of his life? That's what you've doomed him to a lifetime of saying, Elijah,

not as in the prophet from the Old Testament. I allege. Yes. And I'd push him on a tricycle and um one day i went to um get the tricycle to put in the car and i it wasn't in my house and i thought oh no where's that and i had left it on the road when i transferred you from the tricycle to the car i'd completely forgotten the tricycle but when i got back'd completely forgotten the tricycle. But when I got back to the place, it was still there the next day.

Oh my word. No one had stolen the tricycle. Do you know, that could be a film. That could be the denouement. And it could be called No One Had Stolen the Tricycle in which a tricycle doesn't get stolen. Can you get on to

Fox Studios now? And Elijah was still sat on it. That's the big thing. Now this script is going all over the place. There's subplots. Can we just workshop this? During this song, won't we? Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You asked if people had missed things, Emily. Oh, yes, I did. I was mooting a text in. Yes. And 272 has texted, Mark, almost missed the birth of my son due to technical difficulties. Oh, was that on the mother's part?

No, in making connecting flights back from Asia. Oh, a likely story. What was he doing over there? That's what I want to know. That's part? No, in making connecting flights back from Asia. Oh, a likely story. What was he doing over there? That's what I want to know. That's a horrible thing, Sam. Casting aspersions on him. What was a beautiful moment in your life? You can't just say that everyone's been to Asia.

It's up to something dodgy. No, it's too big. 035 has texted, I forgot my passport, got to the airport and suddenly realised epic fail from Danny. Actually, the only flight that i've nearly missed yeah was a weird thing where me and another comic had been doing some gigs in in asia oh yes the way the promoters did it they dropped us back at hong kong airport

about 11 hours before our flight oh so you had time to kill yeah it was it was one of those like, oh, you've got to check out the hotel but we'll take you to Hong Kong airport and it's really cool, like you'll have a fun time in there. Oh, and you bought that. Hong Kong airport is really cool. We had a bit too fun a time and nearly missed the flight. Legend! When you've got 11 hours to kill,

the last half an hour is not big in your horizon. You don't worry about it. So we were in massage chairs about half a mile away from... Oh, please be careful. I'm just relieved that the word chairs followed. Oh, yeah. I don't believe it, but I'm glad he said it. We got the proper...

Are you one of those people, then? I've always wondered who has the pre-flight massage. Hey, if you're in an airport for 11 hours, you're one of those people then? I've always wondered who has the pre-flight massage. Hey, if you're in an airport for 11 hours, you're one of those people. I mean, what about the people that have massage in shopping centres? Have you seen them? I'd be up for that. I'd be up for that. It's so public. I mean, I know I get my eyebrows threaded publicly, but... Do you? Yeah. Eyebrows. Eyebrows, I said.

When you say publicly, it's not like a hanging. It's not like in front of a... It's part of her sentence. Bring up the next woman! I've not marched through Westfield, Stratford. Like Game of Thrones. Yes, exactly. Sorry, Al. What were you saying?

Oh, no, we were talking about your missing the flight. Well, I... And did you make the flight? Did you make the flight? Yeah, they put us on a golf buggy and drove us to the other side of the airport properly. You know, that's always been my desire. I've always wanted to be on a golf buggy. I've seen Joan Collins on one once. Oh. In the airport. It was amazing. I go everywhere by golf buggy when I'm not here. I just think it's a good, I think it's a very good look, isn't it? It's very VIP.

very good look isn't it it's very vip it's um it's it's quite potous as well president of the united states it's so potous often often in the golf buggy isn't he it's quite first lady as well there's a bit of hope yeah he has a buggy yeah oh what about the symbol a buggy if you have a much smaller car than everyone else it just says i'm powerful actually if you've got a golf buggy text us we'd like to know what's going on oh no don't donald trump's going to be texting absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio um there's um big news in the literary world oh yeah um simon cowell um has been switched on to children's literature we call him simone on this year simone or psycho i like to call him psycho oh yeah that's his production company i call him simon cowell okay um he's got a different he's got a son called eric um who's right who's two

who i like because he's one of those babies that's a bit 42 year old property developer and a baby grow yes you know those children that don't ever 42-year-old property developer in a baby grow. Yes. You know those children that don't ever look like children. I know exactly what you mean. And I like him for that. Another one of those is Donald Trump's son, isn't it? Yes. There's a few of those knocking him out. Yes.

Really, I'm really not as switched on to the world of celebrity babies as you guys. Oh. Oh, I am. I've got an app. Bruce Forsythe's son. Celebrity baby app. Wow. Bruce Forsythe's son in a tuxedo baby grow 15 years ago in LA.

One of my best moments ever. I would love that. Yes. Anyway. Where is he now? Yeah, good question. CJ. What's his name, CJ?

I can't remember. I don't know. Anyway, as you were. But he's been reading his child books and he reckons that all the children's books he's read so far are boring. Yeah. They're very boring, and he's going to write a children's book. He reckons he could do a better job. Yes.

The man who brought us, who looked at the music industry and said, oh, this is boring, and brought us Robson and Jerome. Yes. And he's going to turn those towns to a world of children's books. Do you know, can I just just say before we actually get into the the good or bad you say get into can we say lay into him yeah before we lay into him can i i just i've got a real bugbear with celebrities that do this like oh yeah i've been reading to my children and so i've decided to knock out a load of children's books i've got two children they

have not created any creative ideas in my head in almost nine years. I just, I find it really annoying that like, yeah, yeah, I've been reading kids' books and it's inspired me. Can I just say an obvious exception to this is friend of the show and dear friend, uh, David Baddiel, who has written a very fine children's book. Uh, two in fact. I've read them with my son. Oh, did you like those? Yes, I really enjoyed them.

And it's his birthday today as well happy birthday i really enjoyed them but what i mean is people like simon cowell being inspired you think you're busy enough just read the kids book and then but he's copying david williams because he's david williams come on i think it might be a bit of that what i didn't like i think children's books are easier to write than adults' books. Well, they are. Yeah. But he said... That's absolutely true. And they're easier to read. Yeah, and also, I disagree with his expectations. Like, I think most kids' books are boring. Well, you're reading books to a two-year-old.

They're made of hard wood. They're not... Yeah, you might not have got to the good stuff. They're folding paper pages. I don't think you should have high literary expectations. I liked one of his quotes when he said look well look i've read a lot of these children's books these children's books like he was talking about hooligans or something very scathing look i know this one's not his dinosaur and the next one no that's not his dinosaur his horns are too furry oh i wonder

what's going to happen next oh no this one's not his dinosaur either his horns are too furry. Oh, I wonder what's going to happen next. Oh, no, this one's not his dinosaur either. His eyes are too goggly. Oh, what a surprise at the end. This one is his dinosaur. So boring. It is a shame. What's he going to call it, though?

Oh, psycho. Actually, you can text any of you who can think of any good names for Simon Cowell book. That would be a good one, wouldn't it? Also, there's absolutely no... He says it's going to be about animals, psycho. Actually, you can text any of you who can think of any good names for the Simon Cowell book. That would be a good one, wouldn't it? Also, there's absolutely no... He says it's going to be about animals, Al. Oh, bore-off. I like bore-off. You can't invent swear words.

I like bore-off. Simon Cowell. Oh, Alan, you're so adorable. Animals, isn't it, with kids? Oh, let's make it an animal. I still can't get over Borough. It's so Nana. I love you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We were talking about Simone Cowell and the fact that he's decided he wants to write children's books. Because he's read a few and he thinks he could do better. That's, I mean, that... He says they're boring. This is the monumental ego that thinks, hang on, I'm reading my son... I think it's great, by the way.

Can I just say that I think it's great that he's reading his son children's books. I don't. Is it? I don't think he should be allowed anywhere near that child. No, I think. You know what? I think Eric can take care of himself. I think dads should read to their children.

I think it's fantastic that he's doing that. However, the monstrous ego that reads a children's book and thinks these are all boring rather than, oh, I've picked up the wrong one, maybe I should go and get a better one, is mind-blowing to me. There's absolutely no self-blame me. Yes, I like the idea that he's just... There's absolutely no self-blame there.

No, and inspired by negativity. Yeah. Which I like. I think he's also going to start being an architect, because he's been playing Lego with him, and he's thought... Has he? Well, obviously, I'm good at Lego, therefore I build a building. I'm the same. I took my wife out on a date early on, and I thought, well, that. I build a building.

I'm the same. I took my wife out on a date early on and I thought, well, maybe I should run a restaurant. People do, but it's funny that if you write, people do think they can do that, don't they? Yes. I don't think it's easy to write children's books. Yes. I think it's difficult. Have you tried it? Yes.

Have you? Have you? Have you really? I think I probably have at some point oh i tried a lot of things wow well let's not go into that i don't want to know about the swing idea for children's book what's the idea share it with us about a bear in the library what happens there's a bear in the library well hang on i've already worked out a problem with this how's he got access to the library um okay he's forged the card so what happens um people keep getting eaten by the bear who talk in the library obnoxious people

come into the library like a talking teenager and she gets eaten by the bear and then someone else who's being grumpy gets eaten by the bear excellent and then a little boy comes up to the bear gets eaten by the bear no and then shows the a little boy comes up to the bear. Gets eaten by the bear? No. And then shows the bear all the books about bears. Like Winnie the Pooh and Paddington. And the bear realises he likes the library after all. Oh, because it's all about him?

Yeah. I don't... Do you understand that? Is the bear essentially a Simon Cowell figure? Yeah. What do you think of the book, Al? I feel worried that someone could steal it now that Gareth broadcast it before he's gone to print. Well, we can just rip that and sell it as an audio book. Yeah.

Can we just do that? Yeah. It's the gist of it. Done and done. I love that. Oh, well done, Gareth. I'm keeping my idea all to myself of the very hungry fashion editor. That's not going anywhere. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Well done, Gareth. I'm keeping my idea all to myself of the very hungry fashion editor.

That's not going anywhere. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had some feedback about my book pitch for The Bear in the Library. Yeah. Oh, yeah, The Bear in the Library by Gareth Richards. I imagine some offers have come in haven't they from literary publicists well in fairness frank got a part in doctor who as a direct result of pitching himself for the role on this show so all he did was go on and on and on about wanting to be on television and radio yeah so the bear what's it called the bear in the woods um the bear in the

library oh the bear in the library yeah the bear in the woods is another story yes no i know that's a question we've been trying to solve for a long time uh the bear in the library so monica um on twitter hi monica at identity number two um she said i like the bear in the library good approach needs work what's he doing there if he doesn't like it in the first place yeah do you know she's got a really good point have you thought this through yes i have like there's got to be something out of the ordinary you don't have to worry about why the bear is in the library he's just in the library but we do worry gareth he's just he's wandered into the library no he's not bookish oh is that part of the problem that's the point she's got a point though why would he keep repeatedly going back if he hated it it's not like he lives there people do that though don't they people have he doesn't keep going there he sort

of ends up there and he's sort of living there well in my mind that's keep going there if you end up living there you'll sort of keep you're keeping going no he's not keeping going there he's just there all the time yes he's got a food source going there he doesn not keeping going there he's just there all the time yes he's going there he doesn't keep going there he's gone there once and remains this book doesn't even exist and it's the worst argument we've ever had it's the bear in the library and um she also says um also is man mauling still popular in times when whistles are banned from school playgrounds for being too scary that's a good point. Although some children's books are very scary. Yeah, you need Jeopardy.

Yeah. We were just discussing Not Now Bernard, a book where the children, the child is repeatedly ignored by the parents because there's a monster going to eat him, which then happens. Spoiler alert. You've ruined Not Now

Bernard. I thought it was about um an elderly couple simon carroll and the woman wasn't had gone off her husband two three one has texted with a very useful suggestion for you uh gareth yeah i don't need any more people suggesting no maybe the bear is hiding from goldilocks there you go problem solved i don't understand she's gonna that's why it's in the library it's hiding from goldilocks well you can't mix mediums like that that's when hollyoaks character goes on coronation street batman versus superman that's two separate stories absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio

and i've got a little word of warning for sim Cowell. This is something that I hadn't encountered. My wife told me the other day that my son, who is now approaching nine years old, and so can read and loves reading. And obviously, like, as a parent, we turn off, like, gory news and we turn off things that might be troubling. And she said, oh, he read the back of your book the other day. I'm reading a Pacey thriller.

Yes, of course you are. I'm holding up, it's called I Am Pilgrim. And I had completely forgotten that my son might be able to read the back of my book. She said, oh, he's read the back of the book and he says it sounds really good. He wants to read it. The first line on the back of the book is... What does it say? A young woman murdered in a run-down Manhattan hotel.

The second line, a father publicly beheaded in the blistering sun of Saudi Arabia. A man's eyes stolen from his living body. It just gets worse and worse. Absolute radio. It is quite a gory back of book. I mean, it's a great thriller, but I don't think it's pitched at nine-year-olds.

No, but nor is a bear going on a murderous rampage in a library. True enough. So be careful. That's my little word of warning. You like an airport novel, Al, don't you? Is that what you're suggesting I read? I'm just saying...

Airport novels. Page turners. He likes a page turner. Oh, I love a page turner. You like a sword on the front of a book. Actually, we've had some texts that I think illustrate the readership's differences between you

and I. Oh. Sorry, can we just have silence while I do this? Yes, indeed. We'll start with me to the cockerel. Are you ever going to return to Merfield or are you too posh now, mixing with them lot It's still there, you know, fella Merfield is a small town in West Yorkshire

Where my mother still lives And I return to Merfield all the time Is she the only scot in the village? Possibly So 177, yes, and I already do And we've also had Chris in Walsall who has texted you Thank you, Chris in Walsall Emily, come to our dealership in Walsall when you next change the Benz

Hang on, hang on You lost me in Walsall Come to our dealership in Walsall when you next change the Benz So he knows that you like a Merc We have a golf buggy to take customers around the pitch. That's from Chris Walsell. Oh, my word. I'm going there.

That would be great. Is the pitch a word for, like, the place where the cars are? What does he mean, the pitch? Is that what it's called? Or is it a tent? I mean, are you a football manager, or do you own a car dealership? Or is it both, maybe? Maybe it's called the pitch

can you imagine can you imagine me on that golf buggy oh i'm so excited he doesn't mean i have to swap my bends for golf i hope i don't think so okay good i'm relieved to hear it yes hello you're gonna go can you speak yes okay We're going to go on to adverts now, unless you've got something to say. That's a good plan. No, I have nothing. OK. Alan, do you have anything? Yes, we've had a suggestion for why the bear is in the library.

He could smell the librarian's sandwiches. Oh, that's a lovely part of the story. Yeah, that's a good idea. It's still really troubling me, though, the bear in the library. Bears can go wherever they want. They're bears. OK. Does he wear clothes? No, he's a bear. What about a loincloth? bear in the library bears can go wherever they want they're they're bears okay i just does he

does he wear clothes or no he's a bear what about a loincloth he's got to protect the extremities to the illustrator about being discreet when it comes to i like that i like that's your version of talk to the hand talk to the illustrator skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show I'm Emily Dean I'm joined by the wonderful Cockrell and the fabulous Gareth Richards you can text the show on 81215 we're doing a couple of texts in this morning

we're thinking of ideas for texts in this morning really we're doing we were thinking of ideas for simon cowell's book maybe yes or amendments to my own the wrong trousers the bear in the library the wrong trousers is gone though the wrong trousers that'd be a good one the long trousers there was a great there was a kid's book called what do people do all day do you remember that yeah but that could be for all the previous X Factor contestants because I often wonder that. For actors. You can follow the show on Twitter

at Frank on the radio. And we have Gareth in this morning. Have you been Gareth? I'm good. Do you like that Des O'Connor chat show intro? Yes, very good. This week I had a moral conundrum that I wanted to ask you about um i look after elijah my son i'm not the autism prophet the um my son and um he um his favorite

place to go and eat is i won't say the name of the supermarket but it's a supermarket cafe oh you had me at supermarket is it um is it an orange logo yellow logo or blue and white stripes orange logo oh okay fair enough orange logo um we often go shopping afterwards so i'll take him there and get some chips he loves chips can you get chips in the supermarket cafe do they do hot food yeah hot food it's a hot food i've never been to one i suspected such no can i just say in my defense absolutely nothing no can i just say in my defense i have i'm phobic about eating and retailing i don't i think the two activities are distinct and should not be mixed i just think eating is about sitting down it's a

very pleasurable sort of nice organic experience with your with friends you're feasting in a sort of nice game of thrones way and then you're sitting there and you hear chris have you got the lemons i don't like that right anyway and often a problem with a department store is i think they they put the toilets you have to go through the cafe to get to the toilets and it basically becomes a fart cafe which is not a nice thing and there's people in fleeces with gloves and price guns it's yeah all of that anyway um you were there they've got a quirky um service style um the staff are mainly obsessed with the sauces oh when you when your food come you get a sort of a a little sort of cardboard tower with a number on for your table when you order oh yeah cardboard not wood um it's plastic actually okay

honest to be absolutely honest you're gonna push me it's plastic okay um and then when they bring your food they also bring you a little porcelain rectangular pot with um sauces in sauce sachets oh yeah it's one of alan's favorite words sachet sachet is one of my favorite words describes the way you walk thank you so what do you have mayonnaise ketchup yes brown sauce maybe a mustard thousand island dressing or steady on no no no um We're not at the Crab Shack. But the thing is, right, they have the staff who have been charitably employed by the supermarket. Oh, okay. Oh, I see.

And they are obsessed with getting the sauces back off you before you have finished your food, which I think is an absolute deal-breaker. I mean, I'm not looking for an incredible level of service from the supermarket cafe, but let me finish eating before... I was going to say, Gareth, I don't know if it's featured on TripAdvisor,

so you can complain about it. There's a little old lady who is obsessed with the sauces. Have you finished with the sauces? She won't leave me alone when we haven't finished our food. So, does the old lady work there? Just buy more sauces. Buy more of the little

porcelain... Why haven't they got more sauce caddies, let's call them, from now on? Just buy the Sainsbury's for goodness sake. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God, you've named them. I mean, if there was a shortage of sauce, they could go in the supermarket and get a big bottle. Alan, you're so right.

Alan, this is, I mean, we're going to have a song now. I don't like the way he's pointing at me. It's aggressive, isn't it? But this is leading me on to what I'm going to talk about next. Oh. I like the way that Gareth is so excited. He's taking a Churchillian sort of point. And it's a bit of a double helix discovery.

Blimey. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gareth, let's rejoin you in the supermarket cafe. So Alan posed the question just then. If there's,in you in the supermarket cafe so alan posed the question just then if there there's we're in a supermarket they're limited on sauces but there's sauces for sale in the very place where that's true it is now exactly this is the thing right the the menu i find it quite limited elijah likes chips yeah like that's fine you can get a side order of chips that's fine

but like everything else is quite i'm trying to the chips i'm trying to yes i carry katona um as a treat as a one-off treat during the week yes fine um but everything else i'm trying to eat day isn't it it's just cheap yeah it's just cheap day it's in end of the way i'm quite off treat i'm trying to eat healthily at the moment right i don't want to think anything too carby or anything like that yeah um and they don't have uh kim kardashian like a salad with some meat they don't have that they don't have that oh so what so what do you do i think i know where he's going with this i think i went i guess it's the deli counter i went to the hot food yeah deli counter okay where went to the hot food deli counter. Okay.

Where you can buy eight barbecue chicken wings. Why are you saying this in the tone of I kissed a girl and I liked it? Why not? Because I think I might be breaking laws. So tell me what happened. You approached them. No, I go, before I go to the cafe, before I've even been in there, I go into the supermarket with Elijah.

I go, Elijah, we're not going straight into the supermarket. Daddy just needs to do something. Yeah, but what if he's going to sing like a canary? Well, he's not complicit. I don't act like... I'm playing it real cool. Real cool. So you say to Elijah, take it nice and easy, real slow.

Just act normal. Just act normal. Just act normal. Act like daddy's doing nothing wrong. So you buy yourself eight chicken wings. I buy myself some eight chicken wings. And do you pay at the deli counter? Do you pay the person or does it go in a packet? No, I go to self-service.

Whoa, whoa. So, hang on, are you not paying for these things? No, it's fine. Let's go to self-service. Okay. Are you getting a salad as well? I pay for it. Sorry, what's that? No. Let's go to self-service. Okay. Are you getting a salad as well? I pay for it.

Sorry, what's that? No, I don't get a salad. Right. When then we go to the cafe, I might get two cups of tea because the queue's often long for drinks. What? So I get two pots of tea for myself. No, no, it stays warm, it's fine, and I get through it.

But it can be difficult. That's a lot of tea. And with a child as well, you know. Who buys two cups of tea? Is it in a styrofoam cup? you know who buys two cups of tea is in a styrofoam cup no pots two pots of tea two pots so is is elijah the child having to carry the pots of tea it's burning daddy he um he likes bumping into people that's his fun game in the queue that's because you've turned him into lookout essentially so i get i buy tea i buy elijah smoothie and um chips and an apple while we wait for the chips almost like

you're trying to keep them sweet maybe a yogurt tube right yeah tube of yogurt um and i buy myself a side salad right then what happens oh yeah i'm just having a side time everyone don't worry about what gareth's eating i'll tell you what happens he goes back and at the table he eats the side salad and ate chicken wings contraband chicken yes in the restaurant i slipped the little waxed paper bag of chicken wings i have and i put i did them four at a time onto the plate do you do it very surreptitiously? I did it really surreptitiously like I was doing something really undercover

and that's, I mean, probably that's why I feel so bad about it because I do feel really bad about it and I felt like I would, you know, I don't want to ask permission because then they could say no and I'm trying not to draw to it to put anyone in that situation Let me ask you a question, Gareth.

Yeah. At the end of said meal, are you keeping the bones and taking them out and putting them in a different bin or are you leaving them on the plate? I put the bones back into the, um... Chicken bag. You do not. I did, yeah, I did that. Do you know, it's the perfect crime.

I think it's brilliant. I say perfect. Crime, though. It's rather low rent as crimes go. What do we feel about that, though? Because the supermarket is selling hot chicken wings just far away from the place where you want to eat. I'll tell you what I feel about it.

I feel exhilarated. I think it's more exciting than the book that I just read to the back of. That's what I think. Steady on, Al. Honestly. Thriller. I'm really impressed by Gareth, Al. He's got it all going on, hasn't he?

I didn't realise that you've got this kind of underworld vibe going on. And I've always wanted to be a gangster's mole, so let's talk. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We were discussing...

So I breezed in really horribly then. I mean... Yeah, I wondered what that was. Sorry. I just, er, ignored it. Oh, Al, before we continue, can I just say something terrible has happened in the studio? Oh, yeah, what?

Well, Gareth... Is it my chair issues? ..just found some terrible issues with his chair oh yeah so there was a screw coming right up the bottom of it and we're not talking about the area yeah he's not saying that in a prisoner sense yeah there was an actual nail sticking out of it absolute radio if you're listening yes but that wasn't the only nail so i I got off it to have a look, and towards the back of it, there was an actual fingernail. Sweeney Todd! Kind of woven into the thread of it.

Fingernail or thumb? Because thumb would be quite sore, but you could just... Anyway, can we just say, if you're listening... I think it was a finger. If you're listening... Just wear a stick, Denim. Absolute radio heads. The new carpet can't come soon enough.

People often ask why I wear a boiler suit for this show but I think it's just better to be safe than sorry. I see that now. We were talking about your somewhat eccentric food behaviour in the cafe, Gary. How do you mean? I think it's eccentric. I mean, I like the problem-solving

nature of it. Oh, it is? But we need to talk about Faye Dunaway, 75, as the newspapers call her. Faye Dunaway, 75, as the newspapers call her. Faye Dunaway, 75, has, uh, has been in the papers because she went to a star-studded gala, as the newspapers call it,

and, uh, she took some scales and weighed her dinner. Yeah. And I don't mean when her dinner arrived she went, I mean, she weighed her dinner. She put don't mean when her dinner arrived she went way i mean she weighed her dinner she put it on some scales can i say as a direct result of that she is now i'm not gonna lie i yeah i think this is awesome behavior how does she get the scales into the venue she puts them in a paper bag i don't know why it's paper oh is it the same sort of waxed

paper has she got chicken wings in there as well i think she may why it's paper is it the same sort of wax paper has she got chicken wings in there as well i think she may have oh i like that she's now your spirit animal yeah i think maybe what she's doing is she takes the scales out and then if there are any children at the table she does a pretend thing where she throws up and you know when you click your fingers and the bag moves i think that's what she's up to. Part-time children's entertainer, Faye Dunaway. Not sure she strikes me as someone who has tricks to entertain children. She doesn't look very child-friendly. No. She looks kind of scary.

However, she apparently has it in a paper bag, which I think is a rather flimsy receptacle, but she... I'd go a Tashier case if it was mine. Oh, would you? Yeah, definitely. I'd go a Plazzi bag. Plazzi.

Garris. Bag for life. I think if I was mine. Oh, would you? Yeah, definitely. I'd go Plazzi bag. Plazzi. Gareth. Bag for life. I think if I was Faye Dunaway, I would have a custom-made sort of scales holder. Oh, like a vanity case in one of those Doris Day films. Maybe I'd get something, like, cosmetically fitted into my body. Like, if you had a couple of ribs taken out of the back,

you could have sort of a fold-down... Yeah, why not? A compartment for the scales. Into the... What I like is that they felt the need to point out in the story that she was weighing salad and fish. Oh, that's funny, because I thought she'd be having beef wellington. Yes, she asked for a bland meal, which I think is odd.

Please, can I have a bland meal? Maybe she loves seasoning. Can I have a bland meal and make sure you've got the salt and pepper ready? Because that's what it needs. Was she selling on the food? Was it like a market stall? I don't know what happened with the spares. Bland fish, Coyne.

Who wants half a gram of fish? I did wonder what happened with the Spurs. What happens to Dunaways Dunaways? Oh, that would be good. That would be a good one of those ITV daytime. Dunaways Dunaways. Who could present that? She's Dunaway with it.

Nick Knowles, maybe? Isn't it why they call her Dunaway? Yes. Because she's Dunaway. What I like is that the agent's official comment, or her publicist said, what may be considered eccentric is part of her charm. Yes.

I don't think she gets to decide that, does she? No, I'm 100% with her. Because, I mean, Gareth's already described some eccentric food behaviour. And I am often accused. I'm jacuzed. Remember I told you that I pour anchovies into the leafy salad bag? That's part of your charm, Al. Well, that hit a new low last weekend

when on the train home to Manchester on Sunday morning I sneaked into the train toilet. OK, I'm going to stop that anecdote right there. Haven't finished, haven't finished. I'll tell you it. I ate a tin of sardines with my fingers and then washed my face and beard and went back to my seat. Gareth?

Can I just say, this is making your chicken wing story. This is looking like normal behaviour. Is that eccentric? You all look disgusted, as indeed did my family when I got back and told them. Can you text in and tell us what you think of Alan's behaviour? I'm just saying, it was sardines and there was a beard involved. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin involved. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Alan dropped a bombshell before the song. Yes. That he eats tin sardines in a train toilet. Yes. How do you think that's acceptable? Well, I think he's basically... Well, firstly, you know it's not acceptable

because you've gone and hidden your shameful actions away in the most disgusting place in the world it is acceptable if you're sort of if pingu is your role model in life and he is which i'm starting to think he must be yeah i mean, how do you feel about this? Now you've outed yourself. I feel quite cheery about it, but I don't think other people are quite on board. I mean, there is definitely a stigma to eating oily fish on a train, so I wasn't going to do it at the seat. You knew it

was wrong. I wasn't going to do it at the seat. So you didn't eat at the seat. Slightly pedantic, but I knew that other people would find it... You don't have any problem with it. I don't know if I would like it if somebody did it in the seat opposite me. OK, Gareth, I'm sorry to interrupt your Frost-Nixon style of questioning here over the sardines in the toilet, but can I ask a question?

Are there any baby wipes or wet wipes involved? Well, I used the sink in the toilet to wash my face and hands. Oh, he's pumping with his foot, the pedal. You know, the sink pedal. It wasn't a train from 30 years ago. I mean, it does depend on the train, because, like, there are various train toilets. Yeah, and then I went back to... Was it an OK train toilet?

Yeah, it was OK. Some were disgusting. Well, can I say, Alan, it was an okay train toilet until Alan got his hands on it. Thank you very much. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Faye Dunaway this morning on Absolute Radio

and the fact that she weighs her food in restaurants. Whee! Sorry. Oh, God. I enjoyed it last time, so I'll do it again. With scales. Yeah. And you might be surprised to hear

that I don't think that's that eccentric, because obviously I'm the weirdo that eats tinned sardines in a tray. No, men in glass houses. Exactly. As her publicist says, it's part of her charm. I agree. And I do a very similar thing.

I mean, you guys have not eaten out with me for a while, but I do a very similar thing to her, except rather than wear the food, I take some full-sized proper scales and I wear me before lunch. Oh, that's good. And then I break up halfway through lunch if I've hit my target, which is 85 kilograms.

I'm currently weighing in at 78 now, so I've got to have a really massive lunch today. But that's my go-to. That's all right, I'm not paying. 85 kg. Someone is. It's going to be a massive dinner. I would say, though, Al, looking at her,

she doesn't look very happy, Faye. Would you agree? You think a person weighing salad before eating it might not be happy? Well, I suppose also, I think she's got to an age now where she doesn't have to do that anymore. Totally. Pull the ripcord. Enjoy yourself. Well, once you get to your 70s, you can start buying your clothes from the back of the Sunday Supplements.

Yeah, and you should... I plan to do that. Yeah, totally. I might even buy some... You go to the i have given up shop it's fair enough yeah i i think i've already been going um i think uh i think it's fine i don't think she's absolutely right in that this is a way of uh controlling her size she says it keeps her slender but actually you know a more effective way of doing that would be to weigh the food before

cooking it but yes portion control is a way. Okay, so your problem is not that she's weighing her every food. You're just, she's not doing it accurately enough before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we've all gone insane, haven't we, about food. That's a problem. Do you think that's what it is? My mum has some strange restaurant traits.

My mum occasionally asks waiters in cafes if the chips are real can i just ask are these chips real are they real chips and they'll look at them like i've been stung before by imaginary food sometimes there's a little eye by it and that means that it is made up she also asks if soup is plasticky or not can you tell me see this soup is it plasticky that soup i don't want the plasticky kind of soup i think these are good questions to ask there are good questions but no one's ever going to answer yes are they or no you might come across some sort of honest john type who might decide to tell you the truth i think that's quite quite eccentric. So she means, are they like, so is it like

frozen chips? I think so. She doesn't like frozen chips. I think she wants real chopped up potatoes that have been chipped and fried. But that's fair enough. She wants her food to taste nice. What I don't understand about Faye Dunaway is this seems to be a sort of, you know, weight restriction reasons and who are you dieting for?

I don't mean that horribly. But it's true, come on. The 75-year-old body fascist guy that's on the singles market. I'm sorry, I like you, but you're too chunky for me, darling. Maybe. Who knows, maybe there's a hot mortician or something. I don't know. Same.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had an email that I part of it is for Frank Skinner who is in absentia today but I would quite like to leave it to you because there's a side note at the end that I would

really like to know what you think of Emily. Go on. The email begins. Oh you don't care what I think? No no there's a bit in it for you Gareth. He's so Emily. Go on. The email begins... Oh, you don't care what I think? No, no, there's a bit in it for you, Gareth. He's so needy these days. The email begins what guan peeps. I'll skip the obligatory night's move as I'm currently

experiencing what can only be described as prolonged unintentional abstinence. Plus, you know, I may not be Gareth's type, dot dot dot. Interesting. Okay. I just wanted to let Frank know. Do you like eating chicken wings in a cafe in a supermarket? He continues, I just wanted to let Frank know, seeing as he has a newfound love for charcoal scratchery,

that I am in the process of reducing a large pile of timber to ash and art supplies. Uninteresting at first, yes, but on second glance, a cavalcade of savings are to be found, and thrift is as thrift does. I think it's our moral duty to pass this along to Frank, because he loves a saving. And also, thrift is as thrift does.

It's very your mum. It is a bit, yes. Side note, here's the kicker, as they say. Side note, Emily's feelings on excessive man bracelets. Oh. Much love. I really have a problem with this. I mean, when you say excessive, I don't like any man bracelets.

Really? I would be all right with one, I think. It's either gap year or it's a bit Sloane-y man, isn't it? It's a bit Prince Harry. I just don't like them. Oh, they make me feel sick thinking about it. I feel like it's a shame that I brought this up on the last link. You could go for about an hour now. I know, I just feel that I don't like jingly jangly.

I just don't like that. Jingle jangle. I don't like jingly jangly men. Jingle jangle now. Although a helpful warning. Well, what do you make of them? I would avoid bracelets. Okay.

I don't even like... I'm even going zero tolerance on those copper back bracelets. Do people still wear those? I did. You didn't have one. When I got married, I got those for my best man. You didn't have one. Why? Because I was really poor.

Oh, Gerard. Don't turn it into an Angela's Ashes anecdote You could have spent that money on hair gel Angela's Ashes, she can do a lovely sketch with those But you could have got something else There was choice involved I mean, they're quite expensive, those copper bracelets, aren't they? No

Why do people wear them? Is the copper meant to make your... Is it for arthritis? I think I wore one for a while and it turned my wrist green, so I'm not sure that's... That's what they do. I just think they look a bit like a man who's... A middle-aged man in a sauna.

That's all I'm saying. OK? Sounds yummy. Sort of man. Or if it's yellow plastic and a middle-aged man in a swimming pool. When you're being told when your time is up. It's all-inclusive holiday. It's the sort of man that might eat chicken wings

in a supermarket cafe or fish in the toilet. Two fabulous things we've discovered about Alan and Gareth this morning. That is outrageous. And this is a man who's eaten a rotisserie chicken on a train. OK, on that bombshell. It was so lovely having you this morning. Thank you for having us.

Frank will be back next week. All I have to say is, be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.