The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Sasha Fireguard

Episode Date: October 24, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to a celeb Birthday Party but it was all a bit loud. The team discuss Canada's PM, the Meerkats, THAT Bond interview and Simon Cowell's recent revelation. Also, Emily reveals her new hobbie.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 81215?

Or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you have it. Hi, Frank. Hello. Morning. Good morning. Okay, thanks for joining us.

Doing that thing that they do on chat shows when you've been talking to someone backstage for, like, 20 minutes and then when they come on stage they shake hands with you like they haven't seen you for ages. I'm just glad to see you, to be honest. I did a stand-up comedy gig last night and a friend of another act was on and said to me, you on Frank Skinner's show tomorrow morning?

And I went, yeah. And he said, it's in the news he's leaving that, isn't it? What? I went, is it? And he said, no, I'm sure, I think I might have got it confused, like started backpedalling and all this stuff. You are here though, aren't you? Here I am, this is my life.

Yeah. He then said, oh, I think I read it about two months ago. And I went, maybe you didn't. I noticed you don't go on to deny that fact. Yeah, nothing, nothing. I'm just listening to the whole story. That is the whole story. You've got to gather your facts.

Rumour is I'm going to be replaced by Jurgen Klopp. Oh, good. No. Popular with the fans? No, I don't know where that's come from. Me neither. Maybe, you know, someone, One of the bosses from Absolute got drunk And said, actually, we're sacking him

No, he was very insistent It was in the news But anyway, good to see you Good to see you It's just going to be fine Don't worry I've been partying. What? No. Oh, no. What have you, what have you been up to? Um, it, well, it was, it was, um, you know Steve Coogan, Man

of a Thousand, uh, Voices? Yes. Uh, yeah, well, he, um, it was his 50th, so, um. Oh. So I went to that. Oh, I'm well, Joe, that's a good invitation. Yeah, that sounds like it. You've done well for yourself there. Not bad for a boy from Birmingham. Oh, I'm well, Joel. That's a good invitation. You've done well for yourself there. Not bad for a boy from Birmingham. Well, I'm sort of from his past, to be honest. I don't really see him much now, but I am. We won't delve too deeply. No, well, we had, like, a period in the early 90s when we hung out.

So I think I was there for nostalgia reasons. But I still hold him in great affection. when we hung out. So I think I was there for nostalgia reasons. But I still hold him in great affection. But it was held at Shakespeare's Globe. Oh, lovely venue. The Globe Theatre. Yes, the Globe Theatre. Fantastic.

No corners to hide in. That always worries me at a party. Tricky for a showbiz party. It is where I like to... Was it in the Groundlings area? It was in... There's a bit underneath. There's like a bit called the Underglobe. Mm.

So, you know the Underglobe? Mm-hm. So, yeah, so I was... That sounds a bit your friends in the S&M community, if you get what I'm saying. It sounds a bit... I'm a bit ch your friends in the S&M community. It sounds a bit... I'm a bit chafed in the underglobe. Yeah.

Which also sounds like a quote from Professor Stanley Unwin, who is one of my great comedy heroes and no-one's ever heard of him. Never heard of him. Professor Stanley Unwin, his act was that he developed his own language. So he starts talking, and if he was telling you that he developed his own language. So he starts talking, and if he was telling you that he'd been

to Steve, he said, oh yes, I went to Steve Coon, a Greek party, and deep joined the Fundamold, and much joined Sing and Dancey, and it's all, and it's like, what did he say? And the whole thing is like, look him up, Google. Is he no longer with us? No, he's no longer with us. He actually had a whole puppet

show based around him. A jelly answer. Commercial breakfast radio, everyone. Sorry. OK. But I just, I'm always like to spread the Professor Stanley Unwin word. So what happened in the underglow? So I got to the doors of the underglow.

Oh, no. It sounds like Orpheus doing a morning radio show. And there's two armed policemen at the door. Right. Oh, I would have thought that was some comedy thing. Proper automatic weapons policemen, you know, in stab jackets and stuff. And... Hot.

Yeah. They must have been hot in those jackets. Sveltering. Yeah. But I remembered someone told me that when you get armed policemen, they have to come in pairs. You can't have one on his own. Because if one of them just loses it

and starts firing randomly at the public, the other one has to shoot him. Right. Yeah. Which I've always found a fascinating piece of information. Makes sense. Yeah. Also, it'd be easier to throw a towel at one of them.

Why don't people have two devil dogs? They should do, shouldn't they? Frank, that's one of the best ideas you've ever had. Yeah, if one turns on the owner, the other one takes that one out. Yeah. Anyway, so there was a whole... All night long, guests were debating

whether these coppers were genuine or not. My argument is that you cannot stand on the South Bank dressed as a policeman carrying a Mark Automatic weapon. You say guests. I imagine there were some impressive faces there. Well, I thought they were going to be more impressive, I thought, because I thought, well, it's going to be at least Barack Obama if there's two armed policemen outside.

Yeah. He never went. He wasn't there. I didn't spot him.. Yeah. He never went. He wasn't there. Yeah. I didn't spot him. John Thompson? He was there. Oh.

But, you know, I love John Thompson. They do. But he doesn't need two armed policemen, surely. Unless he really loses his temper. Yeah, so he listens to the show, actually. Does he? Hello, John. Hi, John.

Maybe he knows if they were real or not. But it was... They were chatty. I've chatted to policemen with... Because I used to live by the houses of Parliament. I often bumped into policemen. It's fine. Can I just interrupt you?

I'm going to anyway. You've been to Steve Coogan's The Party of the Year and all you're talking about is an armed policeman outside. I'd quite like to know who was inside. OK. Well, I wasn outside. I'd quite like to know who was inside. OK. Well, it was quite dark. It was a good do. Don't get me wrong, there was three courses.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So you were in Coogan's party. Yes, I was driven there by David Baddiel. Oh, he didn't drive, did he? Yeah, he's a great man for the driving. I think you've said this before. Do you see him at the BAFTAs or something? He drove to the BAFTAs.

Yeah, I like that. It's like, I don't know, whenever I watch a James Bond film, you know, the classic Bonds, I always, for all the gadgetry and the beautiful women and the action and the shooting, it's always the parking. I'm always thinking, wow, look at that. You just park. Look at the parking space outside that building. I mean, just so impressive. And I would have assumed that we

wouldn't be able to park on a Saturday night in the centre of one of the world's great cities but Dave believes, and I think if you believe there's always a space, that's what I think about. Did he find a space? He did, although we had some put it this way, it was a space not without

controversy to the point where I took a photograph of his bat wheel In case we needed it in court Or was he tiptoeing into another space? No I'm not sure about this If I actually talk about this in illegal parking Can he get done retrospectively?

I don't think so I think your defence could be that you were making it up for comic effect Oh yes, that's good, thanks for that Okay I won't put the picture on social media I will I think your defence could be that you were making it up for comic effect. Oh, yes, that's good. Thanks for that. OK. OK, well, I won't put the picture on social media. OK. I will. My view is, if you park next to the end of the double yellow lines, OK?

Yes. Or onto one of my favourite subjects there, parking. Yeah. As long as the tyre is not touching the double yellow lines, that's fine. Correct. Because the tyre is not touching the double yellow lines, that's fine. Correct. Now, there is a theory that if the car overhangs the double yellow lines,

that that is illegal parking. Did David Baddiel have overhang? He did. He had quite massive overhang. But there is clear space, but there is black tarmac between the yellow lines and his tie-in. Now, to me, that seems fine. It's a bit like, you know... I think he's in the clear.

I used to watch Sumo on Channel 4. Yeah. That was a dark period in your life. And you know the idea is to throw them out of the ring. But sometimes they would teeter. They would really teeter over the edge. And, you know, their bellies would be out of bounds, but their feet are still in, and they'd recover, and it was fine.

Yeah. You know, teetering is fine in sumo. I've never met an expert before. No, well, there you go. I've been to a few bash shows. Is that what they're called? Is that what they're called? Have I made that up?

There'll be a sumo enthusiast listening to this. I'm sure. Squatted. Squat position. Yeah. Oh, they love a thong. They do. Oh, they love a thong.

Some people think they're going out of fashion, but no, not the sumos. Yes. So we've heard about the parking. That's good. And the fact that there were the security arrangements outside. What was the actual party like? The party was very nice. It was a bit, I'll be honest with you.

Yeah? It was nice and he did a great speech and it was good to see a lot of people, you know, sitting next to Eddie Isard and, you know, talking to a lot of comics. Yeah. And that was good. But, it was a bit loud for me. What do you mean?

well I mean the music you know on this show we have a system on this show which I think works very well is that when we want to listen to music we put music on for the readers

and when we want to talk we just talk like this yeah but if you can see if I can recreate if you could imagine yeah that the conversation on this show was like this.

Yes, I went to Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant was there. Was he? You know, Hugh Grant, though. He was there. I didn't speak. There was a lot of people. A lot of people.

I could see them. Right. I could see them across. but I didn't actually... No, no, I didn't actually get... No, not for me, thanks. No, I'm a recovering... I'm a recovering alcoholic! Yeah, it was a bit like that.

Oh, at one of Rock Hudson's cocktail parties. That was the 1950s event. It's what I call a sore throat event. Oh, yeah. After half an hour, I felt... There's two things that give me a sore throat. Being at a party like that or watching Johnny Vegas on television. Yeah.

If I watch Johnny Vegas, you know he sounds like he's always got a sore throat. I start coming out in sympathy with him. Mm-hmm. I can feel, I even go a bit northern. Was he there? I think he was there.

Oh, he could be there. I imagine he'd have had a sore throat the next day then. Yeah, there was a lot of people in the distance. I bet he had a plastic bag with tinnies in it. No, they do that.

Couldn't that be Ricky Tomlinson? I think that. Well, it's hardly a world of difference. I bet they've sat in a few waiting rooms for a part. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, that was the party, basically.

I can't cope with the loud stuff, though. Oh, yeah. No, I know what you mean. I can't bear it. I don't like to feel people's breath against my ear. You don't? Those days are gone. Oh. No, I don't.

By the way, I was talking to a driver yesterday who told me that he challenges every parking ticket and finally gets and wins about 70%. That's all right. He said, you just go to a room and a bloke sort of goes, oh, all right. He sounds a nice person to be in a relationship with. I don't know. It's made me think that maybe I've been a bit lax.

He's just accepting, you know. FYI, Percy has tweeted tweeted us as long as the tires are not on the line you're fine there you go so what are you said i don't know what you said i don't know what the words are to that song no but i like to say no one's ever sung it over a parking issue, quite frankly. Oh, I don't know. I bet he's overhung a few double yellow lines in his time Pavarotti. Speaking of the famous, have you seen the new advert for the Meerkat advert with Nicole Kidman? Who sees adverts these days?

Somebody else said this to me earlier this week. They were like, oh, I was doing an event, I was doing a gig at like a sort of a corporate-y event and this woman said, oh, so-and-so will be in, you'll know about them from their TV advert at the moment. I very nearly said, who sees TV adverts? Unless you're watching live football and it's on in the gaps. You very nearly said it to her, but you

said it to me. I did say it to you, yeah. I think that tells you about the difference between respect and being paid. I feel like we've got more of a Rappaport, haven't we? Yeah, we've got more of a David Rappaport. That's true. Good reference. Yes, I am familiar with this ad.

What do you make of that? I say, of course I shouted when I first saw it, but I always shout at these adverts. How much money does a person need? I always shout that. What's happened? I'll tell you what my take-out from them. Tell me, tell me.

Well, Frank, do you want to give a brief pre-see? Oh, nice. Well, yes. The two meerkats. The two meerkats are talking. The sort of smoking jacket one and the one who's some sort of dog's body. If a meerkat can be a dog's body.

May I just say, don't be too hard on him, because he favours similar sartorial choices to you. Yes, and I respect him for that. He comes... A Gotham hoodie. No. What is it, Frank? He has a cropped shirt, like Frank's pyjama top.

He comes down the stairs with hairy, spindly legs. Wax march. And exactly like Frank does. Anyway, it turns out he's got a hot date and the door opens. It's Nicole Kidman. Right. Now,

before we go any further, I don't even know if that would be legal for a start-up. No. It is on mainstream television. That's a good point, actually. I used to think, do you remember when Melanie, there was a suggestion in an advert that Melanie Sykes was dating the Churchill insurance animal?

Really? Yeah. I do not remember that. Yeah, you used to see them on holiday together and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's absolutely disgusting. It's not like you talk about Chris Evans. There's a bloke in the paper today

who's gone himself into serious trouble for a similar... But he's not suggesting it's all right. I mean, these people are role models. And it's just a throwaway thing. So she turns up um nicole kidman of all people there's two aren't they so there's sergi is the cropped um spindly legs and then the other one there's a hugh hefner sort of one yeah exactly but but nicole kidman is I think she's, I read somewhere, she's 6'11", I think. In real life? Yeah. No, she is.

She is. She's tall. She's seven inches taller than me. I can't believe that. She's massively tall. That might be in heels, but she's massively tall. In stilts, do you think? No.

So, you know, the meerkat thing. I mean, the Tom Cruise thing confused us. The meerkat. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's coming down on a sort of a ramp from Tom Cruise. But she says to the meerkat, I've got a pair of pyjamas that'll fit you. Still lying around.

But, well, I'll tell you in a minute. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, yeah. We're talking about, yeah, Kidman and the Meerkat. Kidman and the Animal Kingdom. Yeah.

Yeah, she's, I think she's something like 6'11". I'm serious. She was, I think, I mean... You know, in the early, you see early pictures of her, she was always standing next to one of them big rulers. Oh, yeah.

Is she getting taller? She feels like she is. Well, she's a... As opposed to if you work with the meerkats, then you must feel like you are. I don't know. They stare upright.

Like so few of the Animal Kingdom. They do go on... Behind. They are erectus. They are. Not on the all fours. They're stretched to their full capacity, though. At all times, they're cats. They thought they were until they went out with

Nicole Kidman. She's a woman who... I don't know if you ever saw that To Die For. Do you ever see that film? Oh, I love that movie. One of my favourites, Frank. I mean, in that film, she looks like the most beautiful woman in the universe.

And then, not too long after, she wasn't that old or anything, but she suddenly became somebody, she suddenly became a ghost from a restoration comedy. It's like a sort of Miss Havisham kind of look she adopted. She sort of went

white. Her hair and everything went white. Like, you know, Marie Antoinette when she was driven in the coach to the Bastille. I think it was to the Bastille. Was so terrified by the crowd what the crowds called out. She went completely white instantly.

Like me on the way to Absolute Radio in the morning. Yeah. I imagine if you're in the throes of it with some sort of rodent, that could happen again. I don't like the way one of the meerkats wears glasses. I just think it's strange.

Well, you think it should go for contact lenses because it's on telly. Yeah, I mean, why has he got the glasses on? But anyway, the thing that really shocks me is she appears, and you know, like, in the old carry-on film tradition, that if a sort of a babe appears in a film, then you get that do do do

music do do do do do do do just to sort of you know point up the and then Sid James and Bernard Breslau start coughing and spluttering and Kenneth Conagher goes but anyway when she appears

they play take my breath away right oh they do or take your breath away as I say at Coogan's party But anyway, when she appears, they play Take My Breath Away. Right. Oh, they do. Or Take Your Breath Away, as I say in a Coogan's party to people who are speaking in my ear. Now, Take My Breath Away is from Top Gun. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right, Frank.

Very much associated with Tom Cruise. Very much. You know, you're so right. I reckon she knew nothing about that. I reckon she's gone, she's done the advert, she's driven home the articulated lottery full of cash. And then she'll find out somewhere down the road that they've done that to her.

They've pulled a bit of a... That's my verdict. I love the way you sympathise with the highly paid talent. No, but I bet the agent... Yeah. The agent will say, she'll say, who said that? And he'll say, I'm down here! What? Oh, there you are!

And he'll say, it turns out they've put Take My Breath Away over there. She'll be absolutely incandescent. Incandescent. Incandescent. Number one super guy. Yeah, so we'll watch that

unfold in the news. Yeah, we will. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. A meerkat took my dignity. That's nice. Can I interrupt your meerkat reverie? Because I would like to allocate a small portion of the show this morning

to my new crush. I don't think they'll be able to handle a Premier League game. A meerkat reverie. Oh, yeah. Lovely. Your, yeah. Lovely. Your new crush. Are you familiar with the work of Justin Trudeau?

Oh, the new Canadian... Yeah, just a bit. Trudat. Oh, I like Trudat. JT. Trudat. He is a stone-cold fox. I've never seen anything like it. You see, I don't... Oh, come on!

I think he's what the French call jolly lead, because I think... No, he's just jolly. I see pictures of him where... Yeah, I see pictures of him. I see pictures of him where he looks hot. Uh-huh. And pictures of him where he looks like

an action man that's been left by a candle and started to melt a bit in the fizzog. Are you out of your mind? Well, that's a big question. He looks like... And also, not just is he... I'm losing my voice, I'm so excited. Not just is he hot, he does it all.

He does it all? He used to be a teacher, he was a snowboard instructor he's acted in a movie women believe these stories he won a boxing match once i used to say i was a channel swimmer in birmingham nightclubs did you yeah yeah justin trudeau doesn't go to birmingham when they can smell the goose on me i I like that you're comparing yourself to JT. Um, Frank. He's extraordinary. Come on. Oh, come on.

Joss for the boys. You know, your dad. His dad was the Prime Minister. Now he's the Prime Minister. Is that right? Yeah. You remember Pierre? I don't remember Pierre. There aren't many people in positions of power with hair like Poldark. That's all I'm saying.

He does have hair like Poldark, yeah. No, that's probably true. And he wears a vest, which I've noticed in some of the photos. Oh, I haven't seen those. I have not seen those. Do you want to DM me on Twitter? No, I'm not on there. But, yeah, he wears a vest.

I wear a vest around the house. I get mocked. He wears a vest in some of these photographs, and people think, oh, he's dropped dead gorge. It's not fair. Is it generally held view that he's dropped dead gorge? Oh, God. Some nodding around the room.

It's a terrible moment when the non-mic team thought, oh, can we speak? I don't know if we're allowed to actually speak. They both looked a bit panicky. Well, I can, just to set the record straight, no, you are not allowed to speak. I don't know if we're allowed to actually speak. They both looked a bit panicky. Well, I can, just to set the record straight, no, you are not allowed to speak. Yeah.

I think you'd already done that by calling them the non-mic team. The non-mic. I think most people would accept. I mean, he's JFK 2.0, isn't he? That's what they're calling him. Are they? Yes. That's not catchy, though, is it? It's not so scathing of him no it's you know it's fine there's always something alluring about canadians as well because you feel they'll be gentle

yeah but um i can't he's got a tattoo not just one has he got several tattoos he's got um i know a bit about him and he said the globe i got when I was 23... The globe? He's got an underglobe as well. It's a picture of me and John Thompson, each holding up a flute of champagne. The tattoo. Oh, I'd love it if he had that tattoo. Oh, that would be great.

Both of you giving it back, saying, I'm not allowed this, actually. He's got a raven which he actually got for his 40th birthday. Raven at the globe? Yeah. The whole thing is based on the party. Yeah.

So that's a globe. What do you mean like the planet Earth? I don't think it's Shakespeare's globe darling. No but do you remember that Noel Edmonds has got two globes hovering over his head with his parents' spirits in them? That's a good point. I wonder if it represented

that. Do you think that this Trudeau chap is a long-time fan of Noel Edmonds and he's gone for it? You never know, do you? Apparently our Queen of Hearts loved Noel Edmonds. They all loved Noel Edmonds. Yeah. They all love Noel Edmonds.

Yeah. There you go. There you go. You heard it here first. I don't know. I mean, does that make him a brilliant bloke? Because I've known lots of terrible, terrible, terrible people with tattoos. Will you leave him alone?

Just because he's got nice hair and he's got... You leave him alone. Not a bad job. It's not a bad job, is it? I understand, though, the crush that you've got. I felt exactly the same way when Angela Merkel got in power. Exactly the same. You know when it's kind of... It's just... It's hard.

Oh, yeah. What was that noise, Frank? Is that my phone? I can only apologise. That was the euphemism alarm. What was that noise, Frank? Is that my phone? I can only apologise. That was the euphemism alarm.

This is how one-directioners feel. No, I... But, you know... It's nice at my age in life to feel this way. Sam Cam's got a... She's got a tattoo. Dolphin, isn't it? I wish you wouldn't call her that. Just a slight pout, that's all. I don't like the dolphin tattoo. It's a bit Instagram quotes

about Marilyn Monroe, isn't it? Well, I think a planet Earth is a bit, I went to India in my gap year and came back with this, isn't it? It's him saying, yeah, I'm a bit cosmic.

All these people with, like, you know, oriental quotes, have no idea what they mean, the absolute fools. Yeah. There's only Prime Minister, yeah, fool. Also, it's well known that the UK are developing, like, a warhead thing with dolphins, aren't they? When they're going to... They'll be able to attack warships.

Oh, really? Yeah, you put explosives in their beak sort of thing. That sounds nice. Not in their beak, but you fit them. Is that right? And then they train them to go into the side of warships. They blow up the warship, obviously in wartime. And the dolphin is obliterated.

Oh, that's nice. And when that's happening, how's Sam Cameron going to feel then with a stupid dolphin tattoo? Because it's a bit hard to balance those two things. My husband's blowing them to smithereens, but I've got one on my ankle. Yeah, I suppose. I like the way you started that.

You went, well, it's well known. You sounded so bloke in the pub and smithereens. Yeah, well, I am a bit that. Jeremy Corbyn, of course, on his... Speaking of tattoos, on his back has got an enormous Pokemon. Has he? Yeah. Got to catch them all.

Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I've got a text in from one of our readers. OK. Read the mer-cat. Mer-cat? I was thinking of Angela Merkel. It's nearly Christmas, isn't it?

It's time for the mer-cat. Angela meerkat. They all have an Angela meerkat character. Yeah. Are they all men in that? Are they all male? The meerkats. I think Nicole Kidman's female in that. No, I know, but the meerkat, she's male. The meerkats. I think Nicole Kidman's female in that advert. No, I know, but the meerkats

she's not actually a meerkat. The children obviously will be at. They'll be a sight to behold. I think one of the most tremendous things about the meerkat adverts is that they've been on a long time now.

I remember Buzz, my son, loved them and he used to really know really point to them and be quite excited by the big eyes and all that so i've probably watched a thousand examples i've no idea what they're advertising not the first idea don't tell me i think i love that i don't know yeah i love that you don't know um We've had a text in from 499. OK. Long-time reader, first-time texter. Ria Murkat adds,

I believe, Sergei is Alexander's gopher. And he spelt it G-O-A-F-E-R. He said, how do you spell gopher? A gopher is an animal, isn't it? Is it like a meerkat? It is, yeah. I think Vince in Deputy Dog, wasn't he a gopher?

I'm not that familiar with his body of work, to be honest. Mosky was a muskrat. Do you remember... I do remember Deputy Dog. I ain't going to raid the hell house, Deputy Dog. I'm just going to see what happens next. Let's go! Do you remember that? do remember Deputy... I ain't going to raid the hell house, Deputy Doug. I'm just going to see what happens next. Woo! Let's go!

Do you remember that bit? Yes, I do. I remember that exact bit. Exactly. Well, I think the silent... I think they're neocited gophers, if I remember rightly. Is that right? And there was Gordon.

Gordon the gopher was very... In the broom cupboard. I never realised that was a pun on gopher. I think never realised that was a common gopher I think go for that and go for the animal we've also had a text about so good work 499

we've also had a text about Stanley Unwin who you said earlier was let's call him Professor Stanley Unwin Frank don't forget prof Stanley Unwin also appeared on Small Faces Records. Steve from East Kilbride reminded you. He was certainly on Ogden's Not Gone Flake, I believe.

That's... He was honestly, he was a genius. Forgotten. I sense that's the way I'm going. Someone else has texted 720. You'll never be forgotten, Frank. No, and once more, I'll never be a genius. Carry on.

You are to me. 720 has texted. Just watched Stanley Unwin interviewing the bloke who did the voices of Bill and Ben. Hilarious. Young people wouldn't understand. He's slightly bemoaned. That was the point.

Nobody understood it. Yeah. Ooh, deep point. Nobody understood it. Yeah. Ooh, deep joy in the thunder mold. We were talking about Sam Cam because of her tattoo. Yeah. Yeah. But there was some other Cam action this week. Did you see that David Cameron, DC, went to the pub?

Oh, yeah. With the Chinese premiere. Oh, no, it was one of those relaxing moments. Xi Jinping. Yeah a Chinese premiere. Oh, no, it was one of those relaxing moments. Xi Jinping. Yeah. All sorts. They had suits, but, you know, no ties. Well, I noticed the landlord...

No ties was the sign on the pub door. No, it's all right, he's Chinese. Oh, hi. No, I'm joking. When you face his 1973... I noticed the landlord wore a suit and a tie, jacket and a tie, while he was pulling the pint. Oh, and they didn't.

I know, I noticed that. What did they wear, like a blouson, leather jacket? No, I think that didn't they have suits on? Oh, but no tie. Yeah, that was it. I don't think the Prime Minister of China would go any more cash than that. I've got to be honest, I think that the landlord had been tipped off that they were going.

You're kidding me. I know it's a conspiracy theory of sorts. Get out! Get out! They were in and out. No, go on, get out! No, go on! No, no, no, right! No, right out! Right! They had fish and chips and two pints of beer, and they were in and out within about 20 minutes, it said in the paper. Now, I've been in country pubs.

Sometimes it takes that long to find a member of staff to ask where the toilet is. There's no way that they weren't tipped off. It takes it that long to find anyone sober. They didn't have fish and chips. They had fish and chips, yeah. You know, I tell you what, for all the fact that it's a remarkable thing, you know, that the David Cameron, the Chinese prime minister's in a pub,

when I saw the pictures, I still, my first thought was, it's a lot, isn't it, a pint? Look at all that. You're going to drink all that? It is a lot. I mean, for a man who used to drink so much, now I see it now, I think that's such a lot to drink.

Oh, won't they be all bloated? Burpy. Prime Minister Chan probably never had a beer before. No. Never had a beer? Do they have beer? They have the sake, don't they? It's so old-fashioned.

Have I done the classic Japan-China mix-up? Oh, maybe, yeah. Oh, I hate doing that. That's one of my worst. I called, you know the waving cat, you know the beckoning cat? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Maneki Nano or something it's called.

The beckoning cat that welcomes... I think it's called Maneki Nano or something. It is not called that. It's got some name like that. That was in Iloilo when there was a Chinese prisoner. Can you text in if you can confirm what that's cat called? It's something like Maneke Neno. Is it Chinese or Japanese?

Because I saw them for sale in Japan. That's Chinese, isn't it? No, that's Chinese. So I've always called them Japanese. And then they were Chinese. Oh, I'm sorry if anyone's listening or even the cat. If anyone's listening, aim higher. Someone's listening, surely.

I'd never know that for certain. I'd never know that for certain. I always think they start listening. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I was right. Well, nearly right. I was 1K out.

A thousand pounds? 956 has texted us to say, Maniki Neko means beckoning cat in Japanese, and they have them in Japan and China. That's pretty good intel that I knew that. It also means that you do have them in Japan and China. And what was more impressive, I think we know. Maniki Neko. Yeah, Maniki Neko was very... Man impressive, I think we know? Manikineko.

Oh, I think, yeah, Manikineko was very... Manikineko. Thank you. Manikineko. We'll never forget it. Manikineko. Doesn't quite work. Nearly, though.

Near enough to give it a crack at this time of day on a Saturday. Prince Andrew was in the pub as well. No. He was. Apparently he had a suitcase selling watches to the locals. Was he asleep? He was asleep in he had a suitcase selling watches to the locals. Was he asleep? He was asleep in his speech, wasn't he? He was in... I saw pictures of him with the Prime Minister.

And Xi Jinping did the speech. I can't say Prince Andrew and that without saying, here he is, here he comes. On the subject of him, you said he had a suitcase and he was selling stuff. Mrs Cameron, Sam Cam, apparently gave... Omar Cameron? She gave Madame Peng a handbag as a gift. Oh, handbag!

Yeah. 550 notes. Isn't that a bit Coles to Newcastle, to give someone that's going back to China a handbag? Why? Because that's where they make all the knock-off ones that they come here. Oh, is that where they come from? Yeah, from knock-off.

I don't know if we're allowed to say that. Give her a copy of 24 as well, why don't you? £550, that bag. What was it? Lovely bag, Sophie. I'll tell you what, it won't be next week when they're bringing them back. It's a new designer, well, not new in my world, but in your world. Do you think she took it away just so she had the template?

Yeah, exactly. Sophie Hume. I think that was a nice gesture, though. Oh, did you? She gave the lady a bag. I hope she put money in it. If you give someone a bag or a wallet, you're supposed to put money in it. That's a bit common, Frank.

No, it is so that they'll always have money. I'd have put the beckoning cat in. Open the top flap. There it is, calling you into the bag. Monique Ineco. Yeah. The worst thing about the Meerkat ad, people on social media using simples. That's 437.

Yes, now that is a good, that's a very good point. Yes. And I forgot about that and I think probably because of that we shouldn't mention it again. Okay. Can I ask one more question about fish and chips? Let's call those people who do that let's call them Simples. Yeah.

The Simples on social media. Simples-tons. Yeah. Something like that. What condiment is acceptable with fish and chips? I'm Catholic. on social media. Simplestons. Yeah. Something like that. Um, what, uh, what condiment is acceptable with fish and chips? I'm Catholic.

I can't, no. Because I'll tell you why I ask. Um, in our house, we've not got any tartar sauce. I've gone off

the tomato sauce. You've said goodbye to tartar sauce. Yeah, we've said goodbye to it. Newsflash, I've been having salad cream

with fish and chips. Whoa! Wowza. Disgust. Really? I said goodbye to it. Newsflash, I've been having salad cream with fish and chips. Whoa! Wowza. Disgust. Really? I've never tried that. The fact that you've been having salad cream after 1980 is extraordinary in itself. I think it's very in at the moment.

Oh, is it retro? Yes. In a Heston way. It's very in. I am quite strict on that. I never put ketchup on fish and chips. Really? Oh, but when we go for brunch, I always put ketchup on my fish.

No, but that's different because you don't have fish and chips, do you? Oh, no. Once the fish is there, then it's salt and vinegar only. Okay. Yeah. That's absolute definite. Is that right, then? No question.

What about lemon? Oh, come on. No. Maldon sea salt. Pardon? What, is that the crunchy stuff? Yeah. Oh, that's ridiculous.

No. Salt and vinegar, that's it. Although I worked in a chip shop once. I sometimes feel we inhabit different ecosystems. You worked in a chip. Although I worked in a chip shop once. I sometimes feel we inhabit different ecosystems. You worked in a chip shop? I worked in a chip shop, and, briefly. And the bloke in there had a sort of a... I don't know what you'd call it.

It was a big tub of water. And he used to put one, like, one pint bottle of vinegar into it, mix it up and then refill the bottle. So the actual vinegar on the counter was about one part vinegar, 25 parts water. That is what we have to put up with. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. We've got some views in on, you stirred up some controversy with this vinegar material of yours. Well, it was stirred up. Yeah. Why? What's the controversy?

Oh, it's all kicking all... It is, rather. We have 234 says, I've been suspecting the diluting of vinegar at even the award-winning chip shops for many years. What, there? Yeah, you go, oh, God, I'm going to be subpoenaed. I think you should start a campaign for real vinegar. That's from 234.

I think that makes sense. It's not that expensive. Campaign for real vinegar. That's from 234. I think that makes sense. It's not that expensive. Campaign for real vinegar. What would that be called? Cam-r-r. Cam-r-r. Yeah, that's not so good. Yeah, the camera people have really got it stitched up.

But how much is a bottle of vinegar? It's not... They could afford to give us the real deal. You're probably asking the wrong person. Why? Well, is it balsamic? Definitely not. It's malt.

I favour apple cider vinegar, actually. Oh, you are. What, on fish and tea? No, of course not. Oh, it's got to be sarsens, hasn't it? Oh, am I allowed to do that? Sorry. I use salad cream.

Don't say vinegar. Say sarsens. Are we going to say sarsens, all of us? We have now. OK. You know I favour salad cream. We've also had a counterbalance to it. Someone not so mean to the

chip shop saying, fish and chip shops buy in concentrated acetic acid. A-C-E-T-I-C. Acetic acid, which would cause horrible burns if you used it as it is. Hence it gets diluted to become vinegar that we use in day-to-day life. Who's that from?

Mr. Cod? Well, that's good to know that they buy dangerous acid and water it down and give us that instead of vinegar. That's what we want. That's what we want. I'll tell you what I have done in desperation if I've been out. Do we want to know this? I've bought a big pickled onion with it and then squeezed, squeezed the pickled onion onto the chips

to get some proper vinegar onto it. Bizarre. Is that bizarre? Yeah. If that's bizarre, then what's this? Readers are going to have to trust us on that one. Tony Cannings has tweeted us.

Whilst that may not be newsworthy in itself, he does say, chips and mayo is the staple diet of a Smedwickian. Salad cream, though, is a bit too decadent. What say you? I think that's referring to people who live in Smedwick, obviously, which is where I

came from. Oh, me too. There was no chips and mayo when I was there. God, it's changed. I can't believe they've developed some sort of cafe society in Smedwick. Oh, dear. You can't hold on to the old ways. Like when famous actresses used to sleep with other human beings rather than meerkats.

Now they're all over the meerkats. Oh, I mean, what's happened to us? Is it the end of times? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'd just like to read out some correspondence from Jamie on the Twitter. OK. I want a new tablecloth for a new table. Mm-hm. Makes sense.

I love that Wurzel song. Is green felt acceptable? Green felt? Yeah. It's as if you're a Subutio enthusiast. Yeah. Or sneaker. Green felt.

As a tablecloth. Get a drill, six holes. I think it's fine if you're a member of the Sylvanian families. Yeah. But I think for adult humans, perhaps go for a white lace. I like, you know, that general sense of silver surface. I don't like felt as a rule. No.

What about fuzzy felt? Oh, now you're talking. Yeah. It's a whole different kettle of fish. So, um... We should, um... I think we should discuss, um... Justin Trudeau? No.

The interview of the week, I think it would be termed, with, um... Daniel Craig. Bond? Oh, yes. The Bond interview. James Bond. Yeah, yes. The Bond interview. James Bond. Yeah.

My name is Bond. You mean the interview where the lady said... Jamie, you're right. The lady said... Go on about it. I got it first time. No, but I was giving you the... No, I don't...

I don't need that. I'm just looking for your room. And also, I don't know if you're allowed to say Christian name anymore. Well, I mean, I... Anyway, that was an outtake from Spectre. I was enjoying that. Enjoy that. Like the blooper reel or something.

I like the way the villains are all so respectful, and even when they're about to kill him, they still call him Mr Bond. Exactly. By that point, you'd just say James, or you idiot. Or Bond. You wouldn't say, him Mr Bond. Yeah, exactly. By that point you'd just say James or you idiot. Or Bond. You absolute idiot. Bond-er. Yeah, why do they go, oh, Mr Bond? Imagine someone's going to kill you and say,

so, Mr Skinner. I mean, it's quite odd. Yeah, well, I suppose it's a bit... I'd like to think even if someone was going to kill me, you know, 30 years in show business, they'd have a certain amount of respect. Yeah. Mr Liberty, you might respect yeah mr liberty you might get yeah so yes anyway so he was interviewed by um someone who works here she works in this building she's not an absolute employee heat radio yeah heat radio sarah powell okay sarah powell i bet that's i bet you that's Heat Radio Sarah Powell Sarah Powell I bet you that's her

If you're listening Sarah you can have that You can have that Or your ringtone I thought it was Sarah Powell You can have that She's going to love this

Can I just say I would like to defend Sarah Powell. Can I have that? She's going to love this. Yeah? Can I just say, I would like to defend Sarah Powell, because she did those junket situations. What's she done now? Let's leave it there. No, those junket situations are very tiresome. Oh, yes. And they just sit you in front of that board, don't they?

I'm sure you've been there, Frank. Yeah, I mean, in case anyone... You've got to spice them up a bit. You turn up in a hotel room, usually. I'm sure you've been there Frank Yeah I mean in case anyone You've got to spice them up a bit You turn up in a hotel room usually You sit down and then everybody gets like 15 minutes And there might be 30 people Come and ask you the same questions So that's why I think

People get into a thing where they think God I've got to ask him something different So I'll ask him to pout Fair enough You know instead of so what's going on in this film and what was it like being Bond again and all those things he gets asked ten million times, give us a pout.

He didn't like it. He did not like it. In case you don't know, he was asked this and he just said, what did he say, move on? He said, I think you should move on. Yeah. I think he thinks he's Ray Winston now. That's the sort of thing, jog on, why don't you?

Don't you think? Why didn't he just give her a pout? For goodness sake. Or a peck. Also, the James Bond franchise doesn't have a long history of treating women as sexual objects, so what goes around comes around. Good point.

Good point. Why didn't you say that? Although in fairness, Frank, you should declare that you do have beef with Bond. Why is this? Well, he did take my cleaner. Bond stole my cleaner.

He did. He did, but you know, that's water under the... Is it water or is it domestic? Anyway, it's water under the... Is it water or is it Domestos? Anyway, it's all under the bridge. This isn't one of Frank's made-up things, by the way. This genuinely happened.

I think last time he mentioned it, it got picked up by the tabs, didn't it? Did it? Oh, I love it when we make the papers. Oh, I remember the last time I was picked up by the tabs. Oh, God, it made me cry. I just think thinking what happened. I have some sympathy for him, because he's probably thinking I'm a serious actor,

I shouldn't be pouting. Yeah. But if you're a serious actor... I was a serious actor. If you're a serious actor and they offer you a bond, you have to say no, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Well, if you do a bond, you've got to join in a bit.

Well, this is what I liked about Roger Moore. I mean, he went... He was not a serious actor. And I loved him for it. He was an ironic actor. He camped it up. Exactly. But, you know, I can imagine him thinking,

oh, shut your face. At least he didn't say that. Yeah. And I feel a bit sorry for both of them. My advice is... I don't feel sorry for him Frank If ever I don't

Well you don't know my cleaner So yes So what was we talking about When Grumpy met Bob Lee. Yeah. Yeah. He did seem a bit grumpy, and I kind of get it, cos, I mean, one of the other things that she asked him

was why he didn't get his kit off in this film. Oh, yes. And I think that might have been the straw that broke the camel's back, cos I think he was right on the edge of just going, I'm 47! Leave me alone! Like, you know, he's obviously not as fit as he was. Well, don't do that job then, love. I bet he goes to the gymnasium every day.

Three times a day. Yeah. Three times a day he goes. Well, why is he going then if he doesn't want a fabulous bod? And what does he want a fabulous bod for? To hide it? Ridiculous. Lex?

Lex? Lex in what queue, pray? It's hard, though, because, like I say, he's been asked these stuff, he's going mad. And he's a taciturn character. But when you sign up to be James Button, you've got to expect a certain amount of publicity he's going to be doing.

Maybe someone didn't... Maybe he ticked the no publicity box, like the lottery, and they didn't get the form properly. That is a good point. Also, sometimes you can ask a rubbish question and get a surprisingly brilliant answer, which is always exciting. I was watching the Champions League highlights this week.

Oh, yeah. And Louis van Gaal, the Man United manager, was on and the bloke asked him about, what did you think of the referee? And he said, oh, the referee was very good. I have enjoyed his whistling. Which is a brilliant, brilliant answer to quite a dull question.

Very dull question. That's good. I always ask, if ever I'm struggling with a celebrity in an interview, I always say, when's the last time you fell over? That's a good question. It's amazing what riches that can throw up.

But there's not many. I remember I was very pleased, I interviewed David Essex and one of my questions was, you know when you're in a car, when he was like mega, when you're in a car and there's all those girls pressing their faces against the window you know when you're mobbed, climbing on the car what facial expression do you adopt?

Did he do it? And he did it for me, Sharda. A couple of the things that he does. I like that. And, of course, there's the one, so ultimately, which is what she should have done, so ultimately, Daniel, where is Wally? And then they've got a chance to go a bit philosophical.

He likes to... The thing about Craigie, may I call you Craigie, is that he likes to do what I believe Pete Waterman refers to as own stuff. Oh, right. He won't... He just thinks...

And I think you're right, I think that's the problem. I think the Bond, perhaps the Bond role wasn't the right one for him in retrospect. No, but then I've heard he's negotiating with the meerkats. Yeah. What if he turns up in one of them after all this? And they do a civil partnership. Is he gorgeous?

Meerkat civil partnership. Is he gorgeous, Daniel Craig? I used to think so. Right. But that was pre-JT. Justin Trudeau. Oh, OK. I think so. Right. But that was pre-JT. JT? Justin Trudeau. Oh, OK.

No, I think he's, you know, he's all right, isn't he? He can act. I think he's... He's absolutely fine. I think he's good looking. And I saw him in the, what's the one where he's, he wears a pair of chinos in a film. I think it's...

Oh, God, I'll see. Cowboys vs. Aliens. Oh, yes, that's a good film i'll tell you what is that all you remember he's got a pair of chinos i'll tell you why i remember that he wore chinos he's got the biggest glutes i've ever seen in that film honestly it sticks right out is his bombolieri as i would can i tell you i'm just messing it with the children he wears a sort of uh a wrist strap that can shoot down... What is this film? Shoot down spaceships, right?

But all Alan remembers is the chinos. I remember the bottom in the chinos. How normcore are you? But he's... They look massive. All right, all right. Honestly. It's people having, you know,

thin and haddock for breakfast this winter. When I look at him in the Bond films, he looks sort of, he's got a strange-looking facial feature. He looks a bit like Gollum on the protein shakes to me. That's what I see him as. Can I just say, sorry, while you were talking about Finn and Haddock, one of our customers, I'm calling them customers, wants to know, Hi, Frank, are you a cod or haddock man?

That is from Peter Rowan, Brisbane Definitely cod Haddock, he didn't ask me Because I read a book about the fact that cod is quickly disappearing it's a catch it while you can That's always my approach to endangered species

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 8-12-15. It's been a bit light, the texting today. I don't think that's perhaps our fault.

We've had some technical problems. Have we? We keep getting locked out. Also, you were asking for texts about a guy who used to do funny voices that's not the most high-profile figure. I think sometimes you reap what you sow. Yeah, that's probably right.

We've had a lot of texts about dressing. Have we? You know, the salad cream, etc. My condiments observation has really kick-started something. Anyway, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Yes, I said via.

Get over it. Why not? Frank, what about when the cockerel just caught me taking a selfie of myself? Selfie of myself. You were totally taking a selfie. Without any irony. I just thought I looked quite nice. I think you're right.

I saw a guy the other day who had a selfie stick but collapsed in and he was taking a photograph of something over the road from him. Which he could have used his hand for. I suppose that gets you a bit closer with the camera, if you think about it. But he didn't extend it. He could have gone even further.

The phone was so close to his fingertips and yet he was still using the gadget thing. Stop talking about it. Frank, that's a bit rude. Someone's telling an anecdote. It's four years in, though, to be fair. I have been on the show for a while now. I thought that was going to come in about week three. Oh, come on. No, the thing is with Emily's hair is

she's gone for, you know that Pebbles thing on the top that Pebbles Flintstone had? Oh, yeah. And when you combine it with the headphones, then it's got a fabulous sort of olive oil. Oh, good. You know, it almost looks like you've got a couple of side pieces on there.

Yeah. I think it's nice to store your hair so it works with the headphones. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that before. I'm thinking of doing a full quiff, but with like a sort of a divot in the middle of my hair. Oh, it might be nice if you start with some hair product.

Start with some hair, yeah. Oh, you've got a lovely head of hair. Oh, I hate my hair. I wish it had fallen off. Oh, all right. Frank, cue Frank saying, stop talking about it. That's what Angela Merkel said this week, talking about her husband in an interview. What about Beyonce? interview. What about

Beyonce? Why do you say it? Beyonce is one of the people who has completely passed me by in the... You know when people are an enormous star and you think...

Yeah, Rihanna's a bit like that to me. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? She shut her assistant down. Yeah. She threw shade at her on the red carpet this week. She threw shade at her? Mm-hm. Deadly nightshade.

She's an assassin. Oh, OK. I assumed shade was some rapper. No. No, she was... Her stylist was adjusting Beyoncé's outfit. She was rearranging her outfit. And it was more out than fit, if you know what I'm saying.

Yes. I mean, it was a sort of... I mean, it needed adjusting. It's not the sort of outfit you could allow to find its own pathways. No. So she was doing... I believe Vic Reeves refers to it as wearing nout. Yes.

Well, it was the sort of adjusting that should have been done behind a beach towel in ideal circumstances. But it's actually on the red carpet. I mean, why leave it so last minute? Yeah. I know. Oh, Beyonce. But the woman was...

Beyonce. I'm glad you're not my fiance. Are you? that's interesting I think she might be a little bit high maintenance maybe she said stop it but carried on smiling didn't she so it was sort of like yeah she did

like a ventriloquist I think she does doesn't she do ventriloquism in her act yeah yeah yeah what's's got a little... She has, what's it called, Sasha Fireguard? That's right, yeah, Sasha Fireguard, that's right. And it sits on her lap. And Judy, weirdly, she went very trad on the other dummy, yeah.

And she has a bit where she sits on a high stool with just hot pants and a little crop top. That's right. And she does a bit of a, So, where have you been, my friend? It's on a high stool with just hot pants and a little crop top. That's right. And she does a bit of a, So, where have you been, my friend? I got into LA to see some football. Oh, and how was that?

Sasha, if I got. Well, you know, it was all right. On the side, it was great. It was all right. It's all right it was great. It was all right. It's all right. It's a little break, isn't it? You don't just want music, music, music. Yeah, I mean, that section stretches her audience, doesn't it? Like, artistically.

They're there for the singing and dancing, but they... No, but they're so up for it that they go with the vent stuff. And I like that. The vent stuff. I like that about her. Yes. I think it's good to take your audience to places that might not readily go. Unfortunately, I don't think she's ever managed to say Beyoncé

through one of the dummies without getting the... Difficult. No. Eeyore and Shag. Yeah. It's Beyoncé. It's Beyoncé. She has to change her name.

It's Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.. I would probably have stopped a run away stallion that was a good group of a group of she can say stop it in a way that you could... would probably have stopped a runaway stallion that was going past.

She did, didn't she? It was said with such venom, but with the smile never... I mean, what... Oh, no, well, that's because she was practising the ventriloquism again. Of course. Yeah. Stop it. Stop it.

No, that's it. How are you looking? That's good though what I like is she's doing brilliantly in her career that's very kind of you she's doing brilliantly in her career light review

she's still had into the talent with the venting respect this is Frank Skinner With venting, yeah. Respect. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Shall we take late news in?

Oh, yeah. Beyonce's still doing quite well. I think we should take a little wonder. I take a little wonder on a Sunday morning. It really is a treat. Oh, I love that one. That was the loser.

How dare you? Do you remember we had a vote and that was the one that didn't make the thing? It's like when Susan Boyle became second to, what were they called? Fortification. Diversity. Diversity. I like the way Daisy whispered it. When they whispered diversity, I thought, oh, what have I said?

Yeah, absolutely. Would you like to start, Alan? Yes. Great. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Yes. I often listen to the show on absolute 80s or 90s, but this got me to thinking, should Frank...

Absolute 80s or 90s, but this got me to thinking, should Frank's... Absolute 80s! 90s! Sorry, that was a fall reference. Yes, I got it. But this got me to thinking, should Frank's objection to splitting hours into oppressive twelfths apply to decades as well? Who decided

that we should demarcate a period of years in groups of ten? Though born in 1979, I like to think of myself as a child of the 67 to 84s. Quite hard to read that, it's all hyphenated. And that's from Greg. It's a good point, because if you're new to the show, I have a real thing about the fact that everything happens

on the hour, quarter past twenty-five. So I'll just read you randomly some of my alarm. Oh, this will be interesting. I mean, Frank, we're trying to do a breakfast radio show. 604, 609, 624, 639. These are just some of the times I've gone up recently. Why can you read that on your phone? In your alarm section? In my alarm section. Why can you read that on your phone?

In your alarm section? In my alarm section? I can't tell... But don't you keep all your previous alarms? No. I just set an alarm. Would you like me to see my leader? I'm not sure I understand. I'll show you.

When you set an alarm on the phone just talk amongst yourselves for a minute you see there's my oh my goodness look at them all yeah well I have to get up at a variety of times that's my life you two are swapping alarm times I chose this crazy life

why don't you just edit the previous days? So if you've done 6.24 and the next day you've got to get up at 6.30. I do that. Simply don't have time. Do you want to know what mine was, my last alarm? It takes the same amount of time to set another alarm. 05.43. There you go, you see.

Was that for today? We're rebelling against... None of your beeswax? Goodness me. Yeah. Was that for today? We're rebelling against None of your beeswax Goodness me Yeah You do get Historians talk about The The long 18th century

Oh You're not happy with that? No Sorry I'm sorry I brought it up Frank can I tell you When you've got the I'm calling them

The alarm back catalogues That you have there Yeah Do you ever take a nap In the day? I do I sometimes set the alarm If it's that you have there. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever take a nap in the day? I do. I sometimes set the alarm. If it's 3pm, I'll set it for 3.42.

I love looking back on those ones. Memories of the naps. Yeah, I know what you mean. It just seems so decadent. Lineraries like the sandpits of my mind. sand pits of my mind. Yes, the long 18th century is traditionally, I think,

from 1688 to 1815. That's a terrible century. No, it just works out better, because I think it's the glorious revolution to so-called, to Waterloo. Yes. And it's just a neater thing.

This is like ITVB does Simon Sharma. Yeah. I mean, I would say the 60s started about 67 at the early, maybe late 66. Right. If you look at the crowd, if you ever watch footage of the

England winning the World Cup, look at the crowd. It's all blokes in suits and ties and stuff. There's no-one in caftans. You're right, Frank. I would say the 60s started the autumn of 66 when George Harrison was the first Beatle to grow a moustache. But then those football fans weren't representative.

I mean, for example, if you saw me and then some other people, we might look like we're from different decades. I think that was a reference to me. Well, we'll have to think about that. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We're still in Neemail Corner. Neemail Corner? In email. Captain Neemail. I'll put a pause in between each word. OK.

Hi, Frank and the team. You were wondering in your recent podcast whether there are any other tools named after people. Can I just say, this was a show that you did where I was not here. Oh, sorry. And this moment was the only bit of it that I heard. I was walking past my radio on my way somewhere, and I heard you talking about, as they say,

your example was the Phillips screwdriver. Yes. And they then say, well, what about the Stanley knife? Happy to help. Prisoner 833. Oh, I think that's a, yeah. I heard about ten seconds of that show, and I heard you going, oh, Phillips screwdriver. I stood by the radio, and I thought,

even though I'm not on the show, they're bound to mention the Allen key. They're absolutely bound to mention it. Oh my. Here's the thing with the Allen key. Oh my God. Is it definitely called the Allen key? Or is it the

A-L-U-M Allen key? It's the Allen key. Is it Allen as in the human name? The human name? The human name I thought it was A-double-L-E-N Well it is but I don't think that matters I think we shouldn't I think it does

It's not Alom I don't think it is Alom In fact I think recently it's started to be called the Hex Key sadly Get out of town That's what they've started to say I've never heard The Hex Key Yeah

Extraordinary exchange Is it named after. The Hex King. Yeah, because if you think about it it's... Extraordinary exchange. Is it named after Jonah Hex? The comic book western hero with the scarred mouth? I don't know, what do you think? Do you think it is named after him? The scarred mouth? Yeah, it's like a weird it looks a bit like, you know

when you break a pizza and the mozzarella won't let go? That's what Jonah Hex's mouth looks like. Is this a real person? It's a's a car it's not a real person it's in a comic book oh thank goodness yeah what about the jackhammer jackhammer very good oh yeah yeah very good is there such a thing as a as a timmy mallet could you buy a timmy mallet from uh not really okay not really i love that i was in a pub once and a bloke said oh have you ever walked through a pine forest early in the morning and this other

guy said not really and he let it go of course i could i said well hold on what have you done then have you walked near have you Have you walked nearby to one? Or you have walked in a plane for us, but it was a bit later in the day. And of course he thought I was being difficult. What about when I was on a plane with the Deputy High Commissioner of Sri Lanka sitting next to him and he said, I said, would you like a cashew nut? And he said, not really. I'm not just saying no.

Oh, yes. you not and he said not really i'm not just saying no oh yes see i think that he was inviting you to to press him on it well then we had the uh infamous yes well i anyway so um the reason we suddenly changed the subject is we all got a message flash up on our screens from uh christian o''Connell show saying, don't talk about tools, that's our area. They think we're trying to lure wicks. Psycho, Simon Cowell, has been in the news a little bit this week. Apparently, he spent a period of time concerned that his baby hated him he didn't like him

Daddy Cowell, Daddy Cowell yes, his argument was I thought my child hated me no, his argument was, well look no, he said I thought he hated me because he spent the first seven or eight months not talking. He said he wasn't reacting to him.

Yeah, it strikes me that he might not have been one of the guys that read the parenting books. No, I think not. He said I'm great with puppies because puppies respond, but babies don't do anything. Can I ask, has there ever been a less impressive brag than I'm great with poppies? Yeah.

Can you imagine hearing someone say that and think, really, what a brilliant person you must be, that you're great with poppies? I once met a bloke... What do you mean you don't get that smear on your clothes often? I once met a bloke who boasted that he was really good at paintballing. And I remember thinking... But that's thinking, how's that a boast? That's better than being good with great with poppies.

It's still a pretty rubbish boast. Unless you're paintballing them. I mean, you know, I'll give them like ten seconds to get a bit of distance. Yeah. But he was great with poppies. Simon Cowell. I am. Yeah, you are. Yeah. That's true. With poppies. Simon Cowell. I am. Yeah, you are.

Yeah. That's true. And like when he did the... With poppies in brackets. Yes. So that... I enjoyed that when he did the interview, he did that thing which was a very Simone Cowell thing,

which I think he's probably learnt during possibly one of those neurolinguistic programming courses or something. Do you think he's done that? 100. Because he kept saying to Susanna Reid, who I'm a big fan of, FYI, he kept saying, well, look, Susanna,

the thing is, Susanna, he said her name so many times. Oh, I don't understand. Yeah, they do it. They know what they're doing, these people. That's right, Emily. That was creepy. Yeah, it was. Wasn't it? There's no two ways do it. They know what they're doing, these people. That's right, Emily. That was creepy. Yeah, it was.

There's no two ways about it. It was described as a flirty interview. I generally hate a flirty interview and all its manifestations. But did they kiss? Did they? No. Did they do the sort of, you know, it's been lovely meeting you, kiss thing? I don't think so.

Unless it was an episode of Hollyoaks Nights I miss. I ask because he is a man who I can imagine lets... You know, he's always on about how he loves dogs and stuff. Oh, yeah. I think he would... A man who would let... Let, like, a poppy or a grown-up... Let them really lick his mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, really lick it. Do you know what I mean? You know the sort of people that let them really lick his mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, really lick it. Do you know what I mean? You know the sort of people that let them really lick their mouth? I'm one of those. Oh, you don't let them lick your mouth. With the Ross's dogs, because I feel they're clean. No, none of them are clean.

They've got dog germs. Say that about my close friends. The dogs. How dare you? Oh, no, those people where you, You know, you get like an airlock where the tongue is sort of formed a little air pocket between the tongue and the roof of the mouth. Yes, I know that.

The human mouth. I know that. It's absolutely disgusting. I can forgive Simon Cowell everything except that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What are we talking about? Oh, Simone Cowell.

So cool. And the child. I really like that Eric Cowell. The child? In what respect? Well, in every respect. He's got a look in his eye, which I like. I think he's gonna... Your eyes are narrowing, Frank, and a look in his eye, which I like. I think he's going to... Your eyes are narrowing, Frank, and you're looking at me like I'm mad.

Well, babies all look pretty much the same. No, he's got a been-here-before quality... Generic cow, that's what I call him. No. Generic cow. Generic cow. He has a been-here-before quality, Eric Cow. Oh, lovely.

Oh, yeah. Do you think he could be the next llama? No. Okay. It's worth an ask. Simon Cowell would be quite a scary proposition as a father, though. He's got the mirrored aviators. He's got a beard now.

He's got the shredded wheat hair, as Frank pointed out previously on ER. You know what? I'd completely forgotten he existed until I read that article in the paper. Really? Once you stop watching X Factor and stuff, they're just, these people, they go out of your lives. These people?

Like Prince Charles. Mm-hm. Makes me realise, you know, when people come up to me now and say I'm coming out on television anymore, you've only got to miss the odd bit and that's it, you've gone. You don't get long.

No. No. You do if you're... No't get long no, you do if you're FS anyway, what else oh, I'll tell you what I need to talk about what about me in the saddle can we talk about that yes, we can now, I should say Frank and I have always been quite anti-equine, haven't we, Frank?

Yes. Well, I've tried riding horses and I find them to be unkind. We've always said nothing that big should be that neurotic, if that makes sense. And I don't like the foaming at the mouth and the rolling eyes. Yeah. I don't mind that. You're used to that in the SNM community, aren't you? Exactly.

Yes. Well, I was used to that, wasn't I? That's what you're thinking. Surely the safe word's coming in. When is it coming? I mean, I'm going to carry on, but, you know, it's your choice. And I'll tell you what else Frank never liked about them. He never liked the fact that people used to say,

you've got to earn their respect. Frank used to say, why do I have to earn their respect? They're a horse. Horses. Also, I have a different angle on it now. Go on. Having had Heston Blumenthal on my back, I realise what the poor creatures have to put up with.

Anyone who didn't hear last week's show is going to be pretty alarmed by that throwaway remark. Well, I decided not long ago I was going to face my fear. Oh. I decided to get on horse i've discovered something which is i have the gift i'm a natural horse in the same way that i'm a frank whisperer i'm a horse whisperer also no i'm a very gifted horse woman i'm absolutely brilliant at it i didn't honestly honestly this is though this is a step up from great with

poppies, but not a big step. I am really good. I've bought all the gear. I've got a quilted jacket. I didn't doubt. I've got the hat. I've got the boots. You've got a saddle? How dare you. Crop?

Yes. Have you? Whip, I call it. The gloves. You need it all, you see.rop? Uh, yes. Have you? Gl- uh, whip, I call it. Uh, the gloves. You need it all, you see. You need it all. No, I know. I used to- I do need it all.

I used to ride. I've still got me boots and the, uh- When you say you used to ride- You used to ride. What I like is you get- In Smedwick, though, Frank. You get- You wear a hard hat.

Come on in the back streets. But you wear, like, a velvet cover on it. That is nice. What did you do that for? Why don't they roll that out amongst the building community? That would be nice. Well, I'll tell you why I bought my own hat. Because the ones on offer at my stables, yes, my stables.

Brilliant. They're a bit, I said, those are a bit Dad's Army. I'm not wearing those. I don't want to look like that. I need to look chic. But I'm honestly really gifted at it. Do you gallop? Are you at the galloping stage?

No. Oh, well, no. Are you rising trot? Of course. Are you? Can stage? No. Oh, well, no. Are you rising trot? Of course! Are you? Cantering all sorts. Oh, you're cantering? Yeah, I'm cantering all right.

You guys know the lingo, don't you? You know the lingo. Generic cantering. He was a good player. Yeah. Yeah. But you see, that's the thing, is that I think you've just got to get to know them. And they do respect me, Frank. My horse at the moment, I've had a few. My current is penny

i call her christina aguilera because they've got the long blonde slightly matted extensions um well i'm a bit astonished are you because i really want to come and see me ride yeah i really tried with horses because i love i've always loved the westerns. I went on a cowboy holiday and all that in Montana. But it's a terrible pastime. It's not. You know what you have to do? I've learned it's all about discipline. So it's not unlike you, Frank.

Whose discipline? If they're going a bit off piste or a bit wild, a little tug on the reins. Well, yeah, I did that. But if they know you're afraid, like all animals, animals, they're not the nicest things. Really?

If I'm absolutely honest, I do think it's the pinnacle of human arrogance to think that the human is in charge of that massive creature. I don't think... How dare you speak to me like that? How absolutely dare you? You are not in charge of that horse.

I mean, you think you are. I so am. If you've got one of those on the reins and then a revolver to the forehead, I think that's fair enough. He doesn't know that. Keep going. Honestly, I'll shoot you for one to me. What about when I fell in horse manure last week? Did you?

I had to say to my friend, can you get that hay and wipe off my rear? You fell in? It was the most... It was the most ridiculous Dick Emery slash Benny Hill sketch ever. Yeah. Well, I just, I went to pat the horse. You know you could win £250 if you'd been frightened.

And it bit my bag. So I went flying. I was so determined to keep hold of my bag, I'd rather lose my footing. Anyway, I ended up in Manure. It was a disaster. You know my terrible horse biting story, don't you? No, what happened?

It was a long... It's maybe too long for now. I accidentally... I was getting on a horse and I hadn't completely tightened the saddle. So I put my foot in the stirrup and the whole saddle spun round 180 degrees and gave the horse an enormous

Chinese burn. So he looked at me and I looked at him ashamed of what I'd done and he very, very slowly bit me on the shoulder. Not a quick nip he reached across and I just stood there.

I thought, I'll take it. And the thing that always sticks in my mind is because of the length of a horse's face that while he was still biting me he was still looking at me admonishingly with his eyes. So still

biting and looking at me as if to say you know why I'm doing this, don't you? But I had quite a big bruise. Anyway, on that... Was it more painful or less painful than when Heston Blumenthal rode you up? It was different. I thought the horse had some sort of reason,

some rationale. Anyway, thank you very much for listening this morning it felt a bit strange to me but that's alright strange is not the end of the world and if the good Lord spares us and the crates don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

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