The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Scratch Card

Episode Date: January 23, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Divine Miss Em and Mr Gareth Richards. The team talk Phillip and Holly's all-nighter, career changes and has Frank come up with a new peace making gift?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. If this was Steve Wright in the afternoon, there'd be applause. Yeah. Text the show.

We need to do that. We can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us via... We can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us via... I say via the Absolute Radio website. Latin, I'm guessing. Via? Is it? Sure it is. Via Media.

Via Docs. Via Docs. Via Docs. Good question. Yes, good morning, Gareth. Thank you for dropping in. Good morning. It's a pleasure to be here, thank you for dropping in Good morning, it's a pleasure to be here Is he only dropping in? Well, I mean, he's not on next week as far as we know

unless Lester Cockrell's involved in a serious accident Let's hope that doesn't happen Crossing the road Yeah Why would he be doing that? I don't know Text in on 8-12-15, don't You know all those people

that defected from the Soviet Union in the 1960s and 70s? Do you think anyone did, eh, to get to the other side joke? Oh, there must have. There must have been some wags amongst them. Oh, it's, wags everywhere now. I, um, I, um... I'm gonna go straight with the personal stuff. I had quite a big row this week with my partner. What happened? Is that news? Or is that a regular feature? It was what's called a Tuesday.

OK. If it was a graph of our, um... Of our rows, it would be, like, quite a high... Oh, gosh. Oh, what happened? What happened was I wanted to watch the cricket highlights. OK. After, um...

After we'd watched something else together. So quite late at night. OK. Gareth, I'm not sure I like something else together. It sounds a bit specialist interest. I got nervous when he said afterwards. No, no. Yeah. I pray.

It was a day when England had done it was tremendous. They took many, many wickets and South Africa were out for a few rounds. So did you want to watch it on capture or the sports highlights? No, the highlights. So an hour in a separate room on my own. Oh.

OK. That sounds fun. Now, you're obviously only getting my side of the story. Yes. But this is how I see it, certainly. So there was a bit of a, we had a terrible row. I mean, like a terrible, terrible row. And to the point where the next day, which was a Sunday,

I thought, I need to, you know, I need some sort of a physical peace symbol. So, you know, the flowers. No, not that. What do you go for? I actually got quite a large woman to release doves outside the house, like when Michael Jackson was found innocent. Do you remember that?

They released a dove for every charge that he was charged with. Oh, gosh. I'm doing it for the hand garden people, aren't I? I don't think a dove is a... Maybe an old grey pigeon. A scruffy old pigeon. Me old son. A smoking pigeon.

So, is that what they found in Iraq? Yeah. Yeah. So, anyway, they... So, I decided to go for a... Now, flowers is clearly the... That's route one. Yeah.

But I'm never sure about flowers. Don't they take a symbol of, you know, something that was once vibrant and alive that will then, you know, brown, dry out and decay over a short period of time? Seems like the wrong sort of imagery. And stolen, essentially, from God's earth. Yes, exactly.

So I went for something a bit more, I suppose, a bit more modern. I got her a... To cut a long story short, I got her a scratch card. Please say you didn't. No, I did. I thought that was a nice thing to do,

because it suggested, you know, that there's always... What is she, a nana on Coronation Street? It's funny you should say that. A young, beautiful woman. It's funny you should say that. She's just got a job as a nana on Hollyhocks to sort of give her a way out of the relationship this is how it went

I said I've got you a scratch card she said why I said to be absolutely honest because I just wanted something nice after last night. And she said, all right, so you're hoping I'll win the money and then I'll be able to afford to move out? And you said?

And I said, I hadn't even thought of that. How much would you need to move out? What are we talking? Yeah, I hadn't thought that for a second. And that shows how wrong. And that show was so wrong. So if anyone's listening... You meant a scratch card in the most romantic way possible. I've got to be honest, Frank.

I don't know how I'd feel about the scratch card. I mean, it doesn't scream romance. It screams Kerry Katona's significant other. I don't really want a scratch card. Well, it's not the scratch card. I don't really want a scratch card. Well, it's not the scratch card. I don't really need one, to be honest. I think it's saying that things may look shabby and a bit worn at the corners, but

they may contain solid gold. Oh, that's nice. There you go. So, anyway, it didn't go that well. She didn't win either. A card would have been better, I think. It was a card. I guess.

Yeah. It's just that it was a bit more interactive, as is the modern way. Did you wrap the scratchy? No, I didn't wrap it. I thought that would be what I might call highfalutin. So now I just handed it over raw, I think. If she'd won, that would have been a different story,

wouldn't it? It would have been a different story, wouldn't it? It would have been delightful. We'd have used that anecdote forever. One can go from dark to light in a twinkling. But if anyone listening has tried to patch up a relationship and it's gone wrong like that, I don't want some terrible story of some awful drawn-out divorce, if that's what you're thinking of sending in.

Come on, it's Saturday morning. It's just breakfast. Supposed to be light-hearted. Just a general idea. We'll get there. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio,

mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Romantic scratch cards to apologise with. They were a great band. Someone's tweeted us, scratch card make-up.

Hashtag scratch card make-up. That's what it's called now. You're going to be starting a whole new trend. What if I start a thing? And the people who do, maybe they will move on because they've got the springboard. Well, 700 says, Frank, you should have made your own scratch card

where when she scratched it off, it revealed romantic messages. That would mean retooling the factory equipment you have. This is someone who I believe has a part-time job who thinks I have that kind of spare time. What I should have done was found a graphics company

and got them to make one for me. That would have been a good idea. I would have done that. 712 has said, on the subject of kind of, you know, surprising gifts, I bought my girlfriend a clothes dryer for Christmas. She saw the huge box and thought she was getting a painting. Shame. She was probably greatly relieved.

Oh, thank God it's a clothes dryer. I thought it was some stupid painting. I'd love a clothes dryer. Anything from Lakeland. Can I ask a question? FYI, anyone listening? What is a clothes dryer? Does that mean like a spin dryer?

Well, it does what it says, really. No, but is it like a spin thing? No. It's something that you have... Sorry, Gareth, you look like you're going to joke. Do you hang clothes in it? Yes, you hang clothes in it, but you put it in the bath, for example. Like an airer.

Like a clothes airer dryer. You've seen those things. You put them in the bath. How long has it been since you've done laundry? You've seen those things. You put them in the bath. How long has it been since you've done laundry? I took some stuff out of the tumble dryer and hung it up. Oh, tumble dryer.

You see, that's what's happened. You've got a tumble dryer. Well, I have as well, but you need a clothes dryer for those other items. What's the difference? That's what I'm trying to... For my delicate satins. I need the clothes dryer. Ah, delicate satins. I need the clothes dryer. Ah, delicate satins. I love them Wild West gals.

So it's like a tumble dryer, but instead of using... That's really helped in my distinguishing... Can I just say, it's nothing like a tumble dryer. I'm starting with something we know about. Okay. Except instead of a machine you just put you hang it's basically hanging clothes over a thing it's a coat hanger okay it's a coat hanger in a warm house well it's sort of a frame with lots of yeah it's a structure

clothes over the structure surprisingly hard to explain okay OK, I'm going to do it. Think of a... You've got a towel rack. Think of a climbing frame or something. Take a few of the bars out and then you put your smalls over it. Climbing frame for an elf. Can we say elf? Hold on a minute. Oh, no, it's fine. Fine.

We've got until the end of January. It's currently seasonal to say elf. You're fine with it after that. You know that no Oscars were, no elves were nominated for Oscars this year at all. Yeah, no, it's true. They're not going. It's just Lord of the Rings has stopped us. Hard times.

Anyway. Can you believe we spent five minutes this morning trying to explain why Clare's dry? No, it's interesting. I've never heard of one. Well, 377 says, Frank, you would know it as a clothes horse. Oh, I know what a clothes horse is. Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was something

you plonked in. No, no, no, no. Oh, I know what a clothes horse... Thank you. Who was that? It's a clothes horse, guys. 377. 166. No, thanks, guys. I get it now. Oh, don't bond with them. Thanks, guys, my real friends.

Thank heavens my real friends stepped in there with these goons. I'm so happy I said guys spontaneously. Eh? I've got a big cliff. Thanks, guys. And by Clotheshorse... Power to all my friends. Sorry, you were saying, Gareth.

And by Clotheshorse, they don't mean just someone who's well dressed. Can you not say it with that horrible sorry sound? Oh, that's infinitely preferable. I'm so glad you did that. I'm sick. No, I don't like it. We'll come back to it when you've finished vomiting. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, now here's a question. As I sit here, I look. You do. I... Now, here's a question. As I sit here, I look... You do! Sorry. I look across. Was that a stage sneeze?

No. It sounded like the sort of sneeze Madonna would do in a play. I'm thinking more Lady Bracknell. OK. Yeah. Did I tell you I saw Madonna in a play at the West End and she did the classic, classic error

of she suddenly went in a bag in a real panic and then a phone started ringing and she'd gone a bit early. Oh. Very. These, these amdram people.

That's how she's got where she is today. She doesn't leave stuff to the last minute. Anyway, as I sit here, ladies and gentlemen of the public, I look across at Gareth and Emily. They're both wearing spectacles. Both tortoiseshell?

Yeah. I think mine are plastic. And I... What do you think of it? I tell you why I asked this, because I had a... I had a... an eye test. Oh, OK.

And... Came back positive? Yeah, exactly. They found two, apparently. Great. And while I was in there, they said, these glasses are a bit dirty. And I thought, well, I can't be bothered to clean them.

I'll buy a new pair. Yeah. So I bought... Extraordinary attitude. So I tried to... I quite enjoyed trying on the glasses. It's one of the most fun things I've done for a long time. Having the eye test?

The eye test was fine. Not those strange Elton John glasses they give you during the eye test. I'd like a pair of those. I've always said I'd like one of those chin rests you get. That would be a truly relaxing night in, if you watched the football with a chin rest. Can I just open another tab briefly on the subject of eye tests? Yeah.

You know when they say, please read these out, and you a e f k p yeah why don't they tell you what whether you got it right my one just went okay uh next please why would she laughing was she suggesting that's so bad or was she saying wow i i can't believe how spot on you were. I moved to laugh. I know what you mean. You don't get the answers at the end. I want results. That is annoying. Close that tab. And also, they should change the prose passage that

you have to read to prove how small you can read. Something about the trees, the trees, so beautiful. I've read that now 10,000 times. I probably know it anyway. Yeah. I'll say, not only can I do it in these glasses, I can do it in a blindfold! So anyway, I don't... It used to be, when I was at school,

it was like the worst thing that could befall a child was that they were told they have to wear glasses. Yeah. That was true in my day as well. But now, obviously, people are wearing glasses that don't even have prescription glass in them because they want to look... They're choosing to.

They want to look intelligent. I was playing girl bands and stuff, you see, in spectacles. Page Three Girls, all sorts. I know. They still exist, Page Three Girls. I tell you, what was the name of that Page Three girl who started wearing... Joan Guest, something Guest.

Joan, was it 1953? Jo Guest. People are called Joan, Frank, in this day and age. Joan. What? A really sexy lady called Joan. Yeah, you know, she's friends with Patricia. Anyway, Jo Guest, she did that thing of wearing spectacles.

Yes, she did. And I don't know, I could be wrong, but she seemed to me that she was probably a very great fool. Well, I've needed to use mine more, I'm afraid, as I've got older. My eyesight's worsened. But you could go lenses. I know, but I don't know. I don't like lenses.

I feel people that wear lenses, there's always a big kerfuffle around and they're attention seekers. Oh, my lenses, I've got to soak them in some solution thing. Contact lenses we're talking about. Yes. They're always a bit... I have got lenses in my glasses. Oh, I see.

See, that's the other thing, I could just get some glasses without lenses. You know when you see people and then they scratch their eye through this, a bit of a gag. Well, what I've started doing in recent times, on two different occasions, I have put in contact lenses only to discover that I've already put them in. I've put them in on top of the ones I've just put in.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What's that? Well, that's an age thing, probably, to do that. Oh, right. But you couldn't do that with glasses, surely. No. And you sort of get a contact lens Venn diagram of, um... You know, there's some crossover,

so there's bits that you can see, bits that you can... Oh, shut your face. Am I talking another language? Everyone's looking at me now. No, I can't. I mean, I'm going to have to go to music. You've gone in so deep. We're going to go to music and we're going to have a bit of a pep talk.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Emily and Gareth have just been trying on each other's spectacles. You see, that's another thing. If I became a spectacle, whenever I've suggested to people trying on each other's contact lenses, you know, just taking them out and saying,

put these in, see what you think, people don't like it. No. They think I might have astigmatism. That's what they're worried about. It's not catching, though, is it? I've got astigmatism. Astigmatism. I've got that. Everybody's not catching, though, is it? I've got astigmatism. Astigmatism.

I've got that. Everybody's got one. No, not everybody. I think. I bet you everybody. Anyone who hasn't got astigmatism, text in. 50 per time, we'll be rolling in it. No, honestly, everyone I know, I said,

when I first was told I had astigmatism, I said to friends, I've got astigmatism. And they said, oh, I've got a stigma. And they said, oh, I've got one. Everyone had got one. Oh, really? Oh, God, it's the most common thing. Oh, I thought it was special, like being rhesus negative. I thought, oh, Daisy just said she's rhesus negative. I thought

I was the only one. Yes. I don't know what I am on the blood front. If anyone knows my blood group, I'm 12, 15. Your PA, maybe. She might do. I doubt it, actually. Yeah, she will. I'd be impressed if she did. The other thing I did was take my contact lenses out when I'd already taken them out.

So I was just pulling on my eyeball trying to get something off. That's awful. It's getting dangerous. So I tried some specs on, and I'm thinking... You see, years ago, i started doing um fantasy football google it with david baddiel yes i found i couldn't read the autocue without right i didn't wear anything then because you have to have a brucey one so no i saw i went for contact lenses that's what started me on there because i thought if i went for spec it's just too much glass on the

show me and in both in glasses it's too much two ron the show. Me and him both in glasses. It's too much. Two Ronnies. Yeah, exactly. And congratulations, by the way, for not mentioning the Proclaimers. We should all be so proud of ourselves. Yeah. And so I went the contact lenses route so as I didn't look like David Baddiel, basically.

I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean, you don't want two men in glasses talking about football. For goodness sake. So, um, now I'm thinking, to be honest, what happened, Gareth? I went and saw the Alan Bennett movie, you know, Lady in the Van. And I thought, you know, it's a good

look, isn't it? It's a great look. You know, you look quite smart. And it balanced against the accent when I meet people for the first time. I think, well, he sounds stupid, but he's got glasses on. So I tried some glasses on. They're called, um,

the style is called Gregory Peck. Oh, I'm loving the sound of those. The ones I chose. And they sound very promising. They're based on the glasses that he wore in To Kill a Mockingbird. Yes. Oh, wow. Do you know I love the sound of those?

Do you know something else that struck me as well? To shoot a bird, you must need really good eyesight, so they'll be good ones. Yeah. To be fair, that bird was being a bit cheeky by the sounds of things. It was, yeah. It didn't mind taking the mickey. Are they tortoiseshell, Frank?

Well, tortoiseshell was available. Oh. By the way. What have you gone for, Purple Nancy Lamb? Can I just say, a few, do you remember last week we talked about, you won't know this, we talked about a thing called nominative determinism. Yes. Where the name, your name makes you do certain things.

Mm. So Gary Player became a golf person. Mm. Where the name, your name makes you do certain things. So Gary Player became a golf person, for it could be an example. I wonder if when Gregory Peck was offered the role of Atticus Finch, he thought anything, anything avian, I'm up

for. Interesting. And when he brought out his pickled peppers? Yeah. They. And when he brought out his pickled peppers. Yeah. That didn't really take off. It didn't take off, but... The tumlins with them, they were too bland. I was expecting real acidity, you know. Don't use the word pickled if they're going to be essentially in brine.

Yeah. Anyway, you could get... So they're not tortoiseshell? They're grey. Oh. I tried tortoiseshell and I tried grey. And the tortoiseshell... Graphite, I think more than...

Well, they go with my hair. I thought it was an interesting idea to match it to my hair. Well, the tortoiseshell tends to go more with my teeth. Now, I'm interested to see them, but my worry is... How interested are you out of 100? 73. Oh, really? I'm more than that oh well okay well i think they could be something of a game changer for frank well they haven't arrived yet i think the game is going quite well but not the scene okay my worry about um different colors and things is it can suggest... I don't like the sound. I don't like the way this is going.

Not this week. Figurative adverts. It can suggest architect. Oh, yeah. Or European man. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Yeah, I don't want you to be Danish TV presenter.

European man is such a good type. I know exactly what you mean by that. Yes. Okay, well, I'll be careful of that. Maybe I should have gone tortoiseshell. Too late now. Maybe I should have just gone for the raw tortoiseshell. Just had two carapace.

What if it's, Gareth, what if it's the worst of all possible worlds? What if it's European architect man? Oh, it's the worst of all possible worlds? What if it's European architect man? Oh, that's starting to sound good again now. OK. It's funny, isn't it? I had two wrongs make a right. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Oh, your throat's gone funny again.

Oh, that's terrible. That's awful. That sounds like... I remember once I was stuffing envelopes at Birmingham Hippodrome and I heard this... Oh, this is a nice story. And I thought, what the hell? And it was...

Grand blessing. Opera North were on and it was a bloke downstairs in the dress rooms doing his warm up exercises turned out it was Kenneth Williams anyway so I tried on my Atticus Finches and the two women in the shop

both very nice women, they work in the spectacle industry spectacle industry, both went, oh... Spectacle industry? Both went, no, no, no. And I said, oh, I like this. They went, oh, no. Did they? And I was quite proud of myself that I resisted the advice of two professionals.

I mean, when you see them on, you might think I've made a terrible error. Well, I've looked them up already online and I love them. Well, they look good on Gregory Peck, but what doesn't look good on Gregory Peck? That's this week's texting. Strange pin-up in this day and age. So, yeah. So, I

bought them and they're on the way, I'm told. Cool story, bro. I just wish I knew why in 2016 it takes two weeks to get a pair of spectacles. Can you believe that? Well, that sounds like you've gone to a good optician's. Because the posher the optician is, the longer the glasses take to take. Oh, is that right?

Is that right? Aren't they just operating the law of scarcity that we've discussed on this show before to make you think you've got something that others covet. Like a souffle. Oh, quiet, Frank. This will take 20 minutes in eight points in the menu. A big chef person told me you can knock up a souffle in, like, you know,

less than five minutes, but they'd drag it out of it so it sounds special and they'd charge you more for it. Aye, put that in your pipe and smoke it. So, anyway, so I cashed out the money. Sorry, Frank. How did the women say to you, you tried them on, and they just said to you, oh, no.

Did they really say that? You know, women. They give you that disab... And I said, I like these. And one of them went, really? She sounds like me. Very undermining. But they were very nice. They took it well.

They were, no, Mr Skinner, no, please! No, but what was great... Please, but those ones! What was great is I realised... Were they crying when you left? I realised that the ones I was fighting for were twice as expensive as the others. So they were arguing for the cheap ones. That's how

bad they thought they looked. Yeah, exactly. They would rather have sacrificed the money than leave me. Than have a human being wander around. No, do you know why I respect you for that? This is a thing Darren Brown's very obsessed with, is social compliance. People feeling forced to accept others' opinions on things,

and you didn't. Well done. I agree with Emily. The terrible thing, though, they're quite expensive, these glasses, so I shelled out. I talked the shelled out for them. I've seen the price online. Yes. I'm still reeling. Yes. Gareth, I don't even want you to look at that

website. And I got an email the following day offering me free laser eye surgery. Oh, don't do that. So I'm having that and I'll just take the lenses out, use them to torture insects in the summer. That's it wasted in our house. Frank, don't have laser eye surgery.

No, I'm not going to. Apparently they have to inject your eyeball to put it to sleep or whatever. What if something happens and you can't drive? It'll be embarrassing. I'll just get a chauffeur. Anyway, that's how I sort things. I throw money at it. Imagine if I said that.

I had... What if I couldn't drive? What else could you do had um i couldn't drive what would what else could you do if you couldn't drive like you know it's like the drinking driving people when they get done you know they um they often pay somebody to drive for them for a year i'm not saying it's right i'm just saying it happens anyway i also had a medical this week what about about this? The woman said, lift your jumper up. Your medicals always, they always end up, I'm glad it was a woman, because last time, it was a male doctor and it ended up with him holding your gentleman's

excuse me, and you're singing sometimes when we touch. Exactly. I remember that very well. He didn't actually, he wedged. No, but you felt compelled to sing that. He wedged his, oh anyway, his hand. As I said, it was like somebody trying to get one more book on the bookshelf. It was like he just squicked... His hand was in...

Anyway. Enough of that, man. She said, lift up your jumper. Do you know he still writes? She said, lift up your jumper. So I had to hold my jumper on. He still writes. Joe Orton.

And she said, I'm'm gonna measure your belly um not your waist your belly because you know that's rude what we do i know yeah what we do we buy trousers and then we sit we sit our bellies on top like ompty dumpty at the top a wall when you say we do you mean i mean i mean men and women, I think. He's absolutely right. Yeah, thanks very much. Are you still doing your... just being persuaded? Yeah, whatever you say.

Anyway, so she puts the tape measure on. It's a standard tape measure, like you might see around the neck of an ageing tailor. And she put it round, and as she measured it out, the white tape measure suddenly became red. There was a red section. That sounds bad. Oh, you don't want to go into the red? I'm a victim of red tape.

Have you ever gone red before? No. I think the red section means, you ever gone red before? No. I think the red section means, you know, danger. Danger. Danger. High voltage. Well, at least you didn't say, oh, I need to go and get another tape measure

because this hasn't reached all the way round. Hang on a minute. You say it means danger, high voltage. What if you're Andre the Giant? Presumably your proportions will be different, won't they? I couldn't really work that out. I don't think anyone is supposed to have a belly, even Andre the Giant.

Who is Andre the Giant, by the way? He was a wrestler. Oh, was he? OK. Yes, he was in The Princess Bride as well. Oh, OK. Respect. Played dumb. He did well. Diversified. Did.

He was in diversity see you wore glasses a little one in diversity and dance never fell off how do you make of that so um what's that oh yeah so i'm a bit worried about it and she said i've got the last time you were weighed was last january yeah and she said you've gained, in a year, you've gained three kilos. Three kilos? That sounds a lot. Yeah, well, it does. I mean... I think of kilos as like bags of sugar or something. I think of them as... I have no idea what a kilo is.

I realise. I know this is pathetic. Three kilos. If somebody said to me, what weighs three kilos, I would have guessed, you know, a smart car. Andre the Giant. It turns out that I've gained three kilos in a year. You're lovely looking. I've gone into danger.

I was, did you? Yeah, yeah. Fire on the dad's floor. Oh, I don't know. Do you know, you never think it to look at you. I know, it's floor. Oh, I don't know, I need help. Do you know, you never think it to look at you. I know, it's funny. I said people think I'm thin and you're telling me I'm part of the national obesity crisis.

Knock, knock, as we call it. I have two things to say. Firstly, you've got a lovely little physique. Thank you. Secondly, I'm glad I got that NASA sweatshirt in an XL. And on that note... Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards.

You can text the show on 812.15. Text the show. Hate the show. Don't text the show. I don't want to load a techie's turning up now to work on the show.'t tech the show I don't want a load of techies turning up now to work on the show text the show on 81215 follow the show on twitter

email the show via the absolute radio website no because you know techies they all have fleeces on that say things like don't scare the hare and they always have a lanyard, don't they? With a pass on. Ah, yes.

Now, what else? Did you see? Did you see with Ludovic Kennedy? Ludo? Light review. Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby on This Morning. Oh, yes. They were looking worse for web because they'd been out the night before.

Sorry, are you a tabloid journalist? I'm not worse for wear. You're going to say someone's been piling on the pounds next. Sorry, as you were. Yes, um, they went to the NTAs, the National Television Awards. Harumph. That's the hairpieces and fake tans ones. Yeah. That's what they're... Did you go to the National Television Awards, Harumph. That's the hairpieces and fake tans ones. Yeah.

That's what they're... Did you go to the National Television Awards, Frank? Are you joking? Did you go, Gareth? No, I didn't go. Neither did I, but I'll tell you who did go. Daisy, our producer. I know.

Daisy went to the... Yeah, but that is... Oh, she dropped it in on Casual Life. You know I love Daisy, but it's very much what I would call a people's event. Well, it's funny you should say that. I watched some on the telly. I said to Daisy, I said, who did you, what was the NTAs like?

She dropped it in really casually. I said, oh, what have you been up to this week? Oh, nothing. I went to the NTAs. She couldn't wait to drop it in. Oh, not much. No. But she...

I went to the NRA, the National Rifle Association. They'll cold their tans. Is it like that? It's the National Trifle Association. Why do people... When they talk about TV, people, they lose all... She said, we sat in front of Broadchurch near Dr Foster. Yeah. These are human beings.

She's referring to them, and then... But those... See, there's an example, I think. Like, Broadchurch is a you know, it's a clever... The thing about the NTAs, there is quite a lot of celebration of shows that are popular but not that good. Oh, yes. I would agree with that.

Is it all right to say that? Well... Well, I think it's just the truth. OK, but there are good ones as well that come through. For instance, Phillips Goffield and Holly Willoughby won for This Morning. There you go. They did. That's, you know, respect. And they've won a lot of those.

I mean, I'm grumpy and jealous, don't get me wrong. I watched the whole show. I didn't watch the whole show. I watched, I saw the bit when they won. I saw about 15 minutes of the show and I was a bit like, you know, they say when Natalie Wood got married, she'd previously been out with James Dean and then she'd finished with him.

And when she got married, he sat outside the ceremony revving his motorbike for the whole thing so no-one could hear what was being said. I felt a bit like that when I watched the NTA. I understand. Yeah. But, you know, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. Yeah.

Well, they went out partying, apparently, the night before. Oh, I bet they... The night before. No, the night before in the morning when it was after the night. Sorry, the chronology on this has gone completely. After they won the award, they partied. And they went round to someone's house, someone famous's house is where they always go.

And to Beck. Yes. They still lived together. You know what, someone famous's house is where they always go. Ant and Dec. Yes. Have they still lived together? You know what? Don't ever get a job as a 3am girl. They went around to someone famous's house. It was Ant and Dec. I was building up to it. Oh, sorry. Not Ant and Dec. They're not a couple, are they? Well, they do. They live next door to each other.

Fantastic. Yeah. In the West London area. I think it was Anne McPartland's house. Okay. Okay. Unnecessary use of surname there, but thank you. Black hair. That's what I like to do.

People talk, I just tell people now which one is which. Yeah. Okay. I always think that his hair looks a bit like it might be part of an ant. Because it's very black and a bit spiky. He's my one. All women have, are you ant or deck? Who would you...

Is that right? Mine's ant. Daisy? Oh, it's a bit like, who's your favourite spice girl? Daisy's deck. Is that right? She had to say that to keep him with me in case I got angry. Yeah, I'm ant. What I didn't like about the party at Ant McPartlin's,

it said that they spent... Were you there? No, but I read about it. Of course I wasn't there. Can you imagine how much of a spare part I would have felt at that? Them sitting there with their awards. Anyway, they played a game called Pie Face. What is Pie Face?

Well, I just hope they weren't mocking Emma Bonten. Thanks. So I won't be happy if I find that out. We'll come back, I think, to this story because it's a strange and desperate tale. Of excess of show businesses in our modern age. Exactly, yes. Of the emptiness of the modern world, maybe even.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. OK, we were just talking about Phil and Holly. I asked Daisy if she got any selfies. Phil and Holly's kingdom. Frank, I asked Daisy if she got any selfies.

Phil and Holly's kingdom. Frank, I asked Daisy if she got any selfies. Oh, yeah? I was a bit embarrassed when she got so... I mean, she's a producer on our radio show and she gets selfies. I said, she gets selfies, she went, only with EastEnders.

I like that she's retained the common touch. I do, actually. You're right. Sorry. Phil and Holly. No, here's a... I do, actually. You're right. Sorry, Phil and Holly. No, here's the crux of this, is that Holly and Phil turned up to this morning, the day after. Let's call it next morning.

They turned up, still in the clothes they had on the night before, all giggly and falling about. And the question is, I don't want to be a wet blanket. Do I think it's all right for people to turn up for work a little bit tipsy, having been up all night? The answer is no, I don't. Were they strung out? Well, you know, I don't know. I'm not suggesting they were drunk,

but by their own admission, they'd been up all night playing pie face at Ant McPartland's. She had mustard and piccolilli on her dress. Yeah. But that's, one must say, that's one of the best double acts going around at the moment. I think, to quote Philip, he said, I can only

apologise, we're not actually right. We shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be doing this. Considering they've just won an award is a harsher view. I'm just saying if Philip was rushed into surgery, he might not take that from the surgeon. Yeah. Surgeon comes in in an evening suit saying,

look, sorry, mate, I mean, I'll do my best. We'll see how it goes. I'll tell you my objections. I hate people talking about having hangovers in any sort of public space. So I don't,'t on twitter when people say oh sorry a bit of a fisticuffs with a bottle of chardonnay last night i don't and i didn't believe holly and phil had stayed out oh really wow what are you suggesting some sort of conspiracy yes

oh my god i think you know what i think where did they sleep at Ant & Dex? On a blow-up lino? They didn't sleep. They didn't sleep. They had such an amazing time. Oh, come on. They were playing Pie Face. They're middle-aged people. You can't play a game of Pie Face quickly.

If there's one thing I can't cope with... They went to bed. I can't cope with people having an uncomplicatedly good time. Yeah, I agree. I think you've got to have a certain world view to have a good time completely. Every good time I have is obviously undermined by doubts, fears and uncertainties.

And don't rub our noses in there. People sitting at home probably, I imagine it's mainly watched by the long-term unemployed. And they're watching that and thinking, these people have got a fantastic, the best job. They're just turning up exhausted, drunk. I mean, they should give the full story because, you know, oh, we had a crazy time and we were playing games under deck,

but they didn't say, and at five o'clock, I thought, is any of this worth it? What does it all mean in the grand scheme of things? An all-nighter that sticks in my memory is I went to a friend's house worth it? What is, what does it all mean in the grand scheme of things? And all night of the sticks in my memories, I went to a friend's house and I stayed the night and Were these in your drinking days? This is my, in my very heavy drinking days. Oh God. And I was asked to leave. I had attempted to sleep just long enough to wet the bed, no longer.

That's awful. Yes, the lady of the house asked me to leave, which was reasonable. So bunk beds. Water bed after that. The great thing was I was on the lower bed. I still managed to soak her mattress. Wow.

Is osmosis in action? No, no, it was just the power of the jet. But anyway... Tell the story. I went walking. It was like about 7 o'clock of a Sunday morning. Because you were chucked out. Yeah. I was walking.

I was still fighting drunk. And I was walking. And I walked to my junior school, my Roman Catholic junior school. I thought you were going to say to my central reservation. No, so I... You were still in junior school. No, no. There was life in Birmingham in those days.

I went back to my junior school that I hadn't seen for many years, and I leaned on the railings. I remember... Well, I say lean. I held on to the railings to keep me up, and I just gazed at the playground where I'd spent so many hours as a child and wept.

I didn't go and present this morning. That was my response. It was a dark, desolate response, and that's what you want after an all-nighter. I think perhaps you have a bit more of a hinterland. Maybe. Well, I don't know, but I just, I would have switched off

immediately. Can I remind you of something? And I don't want to sound holier than know, but I would have switched off immediately. Can I remind you of something? And I don't want to sound holier than thou, but I'm going to. When Kerry Katona was on there, a little bit worse for wear, do you remember Philip Schofield said, hold on a minute, can I just say, people, can I just say, you don't quite seem right, Kerry. Remember he said that? He said, you've been a bit slurry and stuff. Suddenly he was the vice of moral Britain, the wagging finger. Now he wins it all.

He said, we're not right. No, exactly. Hey, I wish Kerry Katona had come on and said, so it's come to this. Ha-ha! Oh, God, I hope she reprimands them through some form. I do. Twitter, that's what they use now, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. OK, I will start with email one. Email one.

Emily and Gareth. Says Alan on here. I know, but you know. I am a regular reader via podcast as I live in Melbourne, Australia. You could be a regular reader if it was by Senna podcast. Hey! Is it regular as in...

Oh. On Tuesday 11th January, it is exactly 20 years since I emigrated to Australia, so that was a while back. That's a tough. I'm interested to know what you all think is the best thing that has happened in england in the last 20 years and what you would have traveled to australia to avoid in the last 20 years please remember that kylie and the royal family are

often in australia so you can't list them as a void thank you kate as if we'd avoid kylie and the royal family exactly um best thing andst thing in the last 20 years? Well, it's funny thinking about what would not have happened in Australia that has happened here, because in our, you know, in this media world, everything tends to touch everything else, doesn't it? What about if we said the worst thing

that's happened in the last 20 years is the northern hemisphere? I think we're on safe ground. I'll tell you what, I hate the way that water goes down the plug hole, plot-wise. That's something worth avoiding.

There was the Brits, of course. I don't mean the ceremony, I mean the actual population, binge drinking, turning up for work drunk. It's gone downhill. What are the best things? The best things that have happened here, on this soil,

Ringo Starr saying to a man who asked for his autograph, no, you're all right. Hell yeah. I think that's the best thing that's happened in the last 20 years. What about him on his website saying, I'm warning you with peace and love. Peace and love. Anything Ringo Starr has done done well yeah i don't know about

that he's probably released a couple of albums yeah with that man with a multi-colored beard who he works with oh oh yes i know that character i won rear of the year in 1999 is that in the last 20 years that is yeah there you go in 1996 um Conservatives were in power and they were arguing about Europe. So nothing has changed. You sound like a trendy history teacher. You look like a trendy history teacher as well. Woodwork. What about black and red as one of the worst things that's happened?

What was it called, red and black? Black or red. No, red and the black is a novel by Stendhal, isn't it? Yes, well, this is... The most romantic TV show ever, according to you, because gambling is a... No, no, but it wasn't called Red and Black because it wouldn't have been much of a gambling show.

It was one where you had to choose red or black, and if you won, if you got it right, you won. It was a very simple premise. It was a very simple premise, It was a very simple premise. And I think I proved categorically at the time, it had a devil worship theme at core. Wow. Yeah.

But so there was that. What about Mary Bale putting the cat in the weenie bin? Taught us more about human nature than Freud did. In some ways, it was the better thing. I mean, it was cruel to the cat. Yeah, the cat was fine. Cruel to cat. Squeeze track.

Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. It's difficult. It actually is actually difficult. Things that... Yeah, haven't happened in Australia. Well, Gareth's right, though, because they have happened in Australia. Because we're all so connected now oh yes anyway if anyone would

like to text him what they think is the best thing that's happened in england in the last 20 years or the worst thing yeah a celebration of stupidity on television that's happened here but it's also happened in australia yes this morning it's all in aust was it? Oh dear, we've sounded so bitter this morning. We do. You know why, don't we? Why? Because we're so bitter. Yeah, we are. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So, Gareth, there'll be people listening who don't know who you are. I'm Gareth Richards. Why don't you tell us about your life? Oh, well, this week, I guess the big event of the week was I took Elijah, my four-year-old, second son, to get a haircut.

Okay. How old's he four? Is that all right for a haircut? Yeah, you're allowed to cut their hair when they're four is it complicated though does he does he squirm he does hate it he really hates it so i started off by saying oh you need really need a haircut um and if you're really good for it you might get a treat that's good and i was thinking he really hates getting his hair cut so i was thinking maybe a toy oh i thought you meant like a bit of product you know at the end when they say what a bit of product sometimes i don't want a bit of product but i think you know it's all all in free yeah

let's go for it yeah um no i meant like i would have bought him a toy okay but he said i would like a lolly well result which you get at the end of the heli you get at the end of the haircut anyway you're gonna say helicopter at the end of the helicopter secret millionaire over here yeah um so i thought well that that's brilliant so we went to our um local hair place hair excellence is that what it's called yes okay no actually i think they they might be um um turkish okay it's very multicultural where we live down chum chum is the road i don't think of bourne was especially multicultural. No. You'd be surprised. No. Yes.

Yeah, it is. And the street down by is kind of off where we live. Oh, we don't know it? Yeah, no. No. Maybe we could put Google Earth up on the Absolute website. You could look it up. Lots of lovely people.

OK. Yeah, but what if when they took the picture on Google Earth, Gareth was up to no good in his garden that's terrible i've never been up to my good and no good in my garden i doubt that's ever happened okay as you are oh there was that um that unofficial burial thingy going well i know i know it's open i know it's open to debate anyway um yes so it's helping to debate. Anyway. Yes, so it's multicultural where we live. It's Nigel Farage's worst nightmare, but we like it. Okay. And the guy doing the haircut, he completely did it wrong, right? He started off, so I'd got Elijah in there and he was really happy,

but then as soon as I was starting to say, it's time for your haircut now, and the guy said, there's a chair free he looked over and said i'm ready and then elijah said no i nearly want my haircut okay and that means that's his way of saying i don't want it now no later he says i nearly want it no i understand that so i was going i i was there oh no it's on, you be a big boy. And then the guy, he said, oh, well, you want, I'll give you a lolly if you get your hair cut. Oh, so he's had the lolly up front. You don't give the lolly at the start of the hair cut.

I'm so relieved he didn't do the accent. I don't care what happens next. Then we've got over that particular option. I would have done it. You couldn't join the lines. Yeah. And so he had the, and then he's opened a lolly, and then that's going to get hair covered done it. You couldn't join the lines. Yeah. And so he had the... And then he's opened a lolly,

and then that's going to get hair covered on it. Oh. Well, not just that. You don't give it a treat up front. That has to happen afterwards. No, there speaks the words of wisdom. There speaks the words of experience. Yes, exactly.

Lesson hard learnt. Yeah. So he had the lolly. He in the chair or was he still before the chair we haven't even got him to the chair what sort of a joker is this wasn't wasn't great it sounded like my audiences but um and so he started having his haircut. I'm not sure about the plural. Is he eating the lolly at this point? I had to take the lolly off him because it's going to get covered in hair. I mean, please.

So I had a bit of it and then I put it back in the wrapper. Basic human psychology. Yes. And then, so he hates having his hair cut. So he's crying quite a lot and he's wriggling, so I have to hold him down so that he can shave up the sides. It's all right, it's legal. He doesn't like the buzzing.

I'm a bit worried about shave up the sides. What are you telling him to do? Remember, this is hair excellence. Forgive your haircut like we had in good old days. OK. So you held him down? I had to hold him down because he was shrugging and like lifting his shoulders up someone was shaving the sides of my head and he's in floods of tears and he says daddy how long is

my haircut going to last oh he didn't like having his haircut and then so the guy's like i'll give you more lollies you have three lollies by the end of it. At the end, when he sat there bruised, battered and tearful, did the bloke still hold up one of those hand mirrors and say? And he had to go, yes, great, lovely, that's beautiful, thank you very much. I'd like to have seen that.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I have an email. Shall I read email number two? Oh, go on. Number two. Okay. FA Cup draw.

Yeah. Dear Frank, Emily and Gareth. Good editing. I am an avid podcast reader and first-time scribe. As a politician from Ireland, it is difficult for me not to heap praise on you all, but I will resist. Oh, that's a shame.

Recently, at work, a colleague and I approached a lift at the same time to go up a few floors for a vote. I pressed the up arrow. Better call some things, Frank. Yeah. The up arrow, yes, as you would. I pressed the up arrow to call the lift. My colleague looked upwards and then pressed the down arrow.

Oh. I questioned why she pressed the down arrow, as we needed to go up for the vote. She said the lift was at the second floor, so she was calling it down. Oh. Interesting. She was looking for an incremental ascent.

Hmm. I explained that you pressed a button for the direction in which you wished to travel. A discussion ensued. How old was the colleague? I'm guessing four. I don't know. She's allowed to vote in some sort of political thing.

We're in Ireland. You can probably vote, I imagine. From the office. Oh, yeah. That's, I mean, it's fairly common knowledge, isn't it? Well, I would have thought so. That woman must get in a lot of lifts and go, Oh!

You know when you do that, when you get in there, Oh, it's going down. I've got to get to the basement first. But when you spy the latecomer, Oh, I pressed that button not to let them in. Do you? Did you press close doors? Yeah, I just pressed... Oh, that last look they give you, that was the doors closed.

Terrible. Anyway, carry on. Yes, well, there's another character entering. An usher joined us in the lift. Usher? One of the ushers. Okay. An usher joined us in the lift, but refrained from being definitive, as he did not wish to come between members.

Oh, he's been... Oh, that's Asher for you. That's quite diplomatic. Professional. That's very professional. Yeah, good. I even said to my colleague, this is an idiotic eureka moment if you would only believe me. Quite plaintive.

A roundabout way of calling someone an idiot. Slash liar. The Irish are very poetical in their general conversation. I felt she wished to believe me, but is not convinced. I would welcome your thoughts. Well, I think you're right, is my first thought. Yes, me too. I'm afraid there's no voice of controversy this morning.

But there is a logic to it. I mean, there's a logic to it. It's just that the fact the woman has arrived at it by never noticing other people do it. Yes. The other woman, you know. But there is a logic to saying it's on the second floor, we'll bring it down.

Yeah. Well, her whole life she's been wrong. I used to be a rooftop psychiatrist, so I know. I know the logic. But it's always like when one of those people say things like, I went to Bermuda for my holidays.

But you must have heard people say that. You can't correct them by that stage. No. But it's nice to hear. It's quite exciting to hear from an Irish politician. Yeah, they say, she says you are all welcome to visit Ireland and I would happily be your tour guide.

Really? Oh, that'd be nice, Frank. They must have a lot of spare time. It's been a revelation this week. I mean, one of the questions I've asked on the show this week to myself is how hard is it to host this morning if you can turn up with no sleep and it's still absolutely fine? And now, Irish politicians, you you think were rushed off their feet

to give us a tour of Ireland. How lovely. She's called Gillian... Gillian Van Turnout. Gillian Van... I think I googled Gillian. It's a bit dodgy. And she...

I hope to God that doesn't mean something different in Ireland. And she's married to a Dutchman, so it's probably like Ternoot or something like that. Oh, yeah. I see. But how exciting. It's lovely, isn't it? She says, Frank, if you visited in August,

you could take in the Irish Redhead Convention. Take the boy over? Mm-hm. No, wouldn't it be great? What's the name of the parliament? Is it the... Toss... Tossick. Careful. You know Is it the... Cephal.

Very careful. Irish pronunciation is very difficult. But I looked her up. One thing I noticed is that she's got the freedom of Killarney. Wow. Do you know the song? When you can buy all these wonderful things then you can buy

Killarney Everybody How can you No, maybe you didn't hear me. Everybody How can you buy all the stars I don't know that one. Even if I did, I wouldn't sing that.

Well, it's shorter than you can't always get what you want. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, or present the show via Toast, which is what I'm doing at the moment.

But there it's gone. So I've been very excited this week about the Girls Aloud, is it Nadine Coyle? No, it's Nadine. Nadine. Do you know Nadine Coyle? No, it's Nadine. Nadine. Do you know Nadine Coyle? No, but that'll save a lot of time. LAUGHTER Um, she has announced a new career path for herself.

She wasn't Girls Aloud. Well, she was in, and she was the one with the cracking pair of pins. She's a very attractive woman, Nadine Coyle. Does that mean legs? Let's be fair. That does mean, yeah. She wasn't a seamstress. She wanted to launch a solo career and it all went

a bit Peter Tong. Yes, I don't think it went. I can't remember now. There was some controversy, but didn't she sell it all through Lidl? Maybe back in the day. I think she was exclusive to a supermarket chain um yeah which backfired did it well funnily enough i had a car back

for the other week for the first time for years anyway um yes so now she's retraining apparently yes there was a tweet um a tweet of a hoodie. Yeah. This is news, you know. This has been in the news. It says, I don't need therapy, I just need to listen to Nadine Coyle. Can I say something?

The look of this hoodie, it's got that on the back. It looks like these have been mass produced. It looks like her merchandise. The manufacturers's... It looks like these have been mass-produced. Yeah, it looks like her merchandise. The manufacturers of this probably thought this could be the next Frankie Saiz T-shirt. And it says, I don't need therapy,

I just need to listen to Nadine Coyle. Isn't it Nadine? Nadine. No, but she's Irish, so she says Nadine. Oh, God, she's Irish. I mean, it's not the best accent for therapy. And what's your relationship like with your mother and father? Yes, because that's what all Irish people sound like.

I think from the north. I think if you were going to have therapy with Ian Paisley, yes. Yeah. But she is. Your conscience says yes yes your subconscious says no i mean you don't want that every week god bless her though what a career move that is girls she said hashtag medical degree here i come yeah she said she's going to become a psychiatrist she's going to be in 10 years time which is that

how long it takes to become a psychiatrist yeah because she's chosen psychiatry it appears just so in case she's unaware you can be a psychologist or counselor and you don't have because a psychiatrist is a doctor you have to do a medical degree and then you specialize in psychiatry it's like being a pediatrician it's like, but you know what I mean. Why do I suddenly know about the medical profession? Have you been looking into doctors? We'll talk later. OK. So, yes, extraordinary.

What do you think of it, Frank? Has it been inspired purely by this hooded top? I mean, there are many signs and symbols that come to us in life that we think, oh, maybe that's an omen. But when it's your own merch... This is true. Any signs and symbols that come to us in life that we think, oh, maybe that's an omen. But when it's your own merch... This is true. It is a strange... Did Frankie learn to relax?

No, but thanks for the talk. Yeah, Frankie says relax. Funnily enough, if you want to relax, I'm going to be a massage person. I'm bringing out a new Valium spin-off. A Valium spin-off? I mean, we've all, I suppose we all think about, you know, alternative careers, but to actually announce it. I mean, we don't know if she's signed up, if she's actually begun the course.

When you say signed up, well, no, she does say she'll be doing it in ten years. So I would imagine a medical degree is seven years plus your three. Yeah, you're looking at a good old decade. But she's abandoned. What about the comeback tour in about three years' time? Yeah. Then I'll be to hell with those sufferers. Well, maybe she's been following the lives of the other members of Girls Aloud and thinks

that being a psychiatrist might be helpful. Yeah, that's for customers, straight up. And if there is going to be a reunion tour, they'll probably need to employ one of those. She needs to drop the hashtag, though, if she's going to be a psychiatrist. It's just not very... Well, it's professional, you know.

I think you'll find in ten years' time, every psychiatrist will have at least one hashtag. That's the way it's going. Hashtag patient giving me evils. Orcs. I wonder if she'll be one of the first crop-top psychiatrists. I look forward to it very much. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We're talking about Nadine Coyle becoming a psychiatrist. Yes. Maybe she thinks there's going to be a program called Psychiatry of the Rivals in which you can do it, sort of fast-track the whole process. Yes. Dr. Coyle, you are not, not going home. I think there's something brilliant about it. It reminds me a bit of The Sopranos, which I hate.

I've got a... Do you remember the... Hate? Worst show on television. Do you remember the psychiatrist in that? She was like a glamorous woman who he sort of fell in love with. Yes. Lorraine Bracco.

Probably. So Nadine's going to be like that. She's going to be the sort of, you know, the beautiful saviour of one's soul. Seventies. Well, what I would say... I'm guessing she'll drop out mid-March. Well, she's got a lot of qualifications to amass.

I just... Do you think... She might have got them. Because how old was she when she did the pop stars? Because does she have to go back and get her SATs? Or GCSEs? She has to do the GC... Well, no, she might have the GCSEs.

It's just she will need the A's anyone knows Nadine's current educational qualifications I've just been looking them up and I learn that whilst attending college she did get good grades good grades? yeah but they're not

specific about what these grades were it's like all the president's men, this research. Just cut to the bottom of the issue. Can she do become a psychiatrist on good grades? Yeah. Yes. Well, you know, we wish her well. That's good, yeah.

So we've all fantasised about different... I sometimes think, wouldn't it be great to be one of those war memorial alcoholics? Do you know what I mean? It's a job you want. Did you not do a stint of that? I did do a stint of it, but you know, I never complete. I dropped out. Oh, you didn't see it through. Yeah, but

I do sometimes I'll drive past or be driven, and I just think there is something kings of the road about it. It's still something appealing. I always felt I'd make a good lawyer. Because I've got very good cross-examination skills. Objection, Your Honour.

You've got to do a bit more than that. You don't do that in English court. It's not LA law, love. Someone tell me that's the way to spot whether the research is good for any legal drama. If there's any British court where someone says objection, they haven't done their research, they've just watched Perry Mason. Oh, Gareth, you're never going to get work in this area. I am. I think I'd be a good lawyer, do you agree?

Yes, whatever you say. Thank you. Your witness. What about you, Gareth? Well, I had a very exciting... I mean, this is a more realistic prospect for you, obviously. That's the nicest thing. Can I just say...

Anyone said to me that you think I might be able to get a job of some sort. Well, you know... What do you think I could do? You could be one of those people who... I think you'd be all right doing windscreens at traffic lights. I see you being really helpful in a shop. I see him starting off being helpful and then slightly losing it, getting a bit aggressive.

Which I've seen him in doing a shop as a customer. So I'm sure it could go the other way. Many times. Well, an exciting avenue opened up for me. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. He's telling a story. An exciting avenue opened up for me. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. He's telling a story. An exciting avenue opened up for me recently. I was with the family having a walk in the new forest.

Oh, yeah. Which is lovely. Oh, is that where the horses roam wild? Yeah, there's wild horses. How long are they going to stick with the new forest? I don't know how long they're going to stick with the whole forest idea, because there are some trees, but not... Well, let's face it, so many of us

have moved on since those days. There must be a point where people just call it the forest. How dare you? Sorry, yeah. Shall we come back to this anecdote? We have certain obligations on commercial radio when it comes to advertising, but I like the idea that we're in the new forest.

Dot, dot, dot. That's Gareth's three daughters. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Can I ask you a question? I'm going to. Why is Charlie in another studio? It's like those women on World of Sports

who used to wander around in the background. Yeah, I think she's probably... Up to no good. ..running a small cab company on the side. That's what she looks like. Frank, we've had a very exciting message in from Donna, who says, Hi, Frank, I called my shih tzu dog after you

after you eight years ago unsurprisingly he's called frank and she's just discovered you on she calls it absolutely radio okay it is absolutely radio well it is yeah but that's lovely um regards to frank frank frank he's going mad now. Going absolutely mad. I'd call a dog after you. Thank you very much. We'd have to, chronologically. I've already been called. Okay, so... We're in the New Forest.

Oh yes, we're in the New Forest. So as you said, the New Forest is known for its ponies. I think it's... They roam free. Yes, and we once're driving through the new forest and there was one in the middle of the road shut up yeah and it came over and then bumped our bonnet and it popped up did it climb it it didn't but it's like the fonz just being able to it's like the me of the equine world what did you do did you

did you get out you had to obviously put it back down see you got it quite close to the go away are you waiting for it to go away how did the skoda cope with it okay that was in the days before the skoda when we weren't doing quite so well it was a pedal car okay so you're in the new forest yes and um there was a different sort of animal running free pigs the new forest pigs forest pigs i guess they must be new well they were yeah i've never seen pigs wild boar i don't think so they were like a there was a herd of pigs and that they were running around and um they heard is Is that the collective noun for pigs? Give me a minute, and I'll think. They came around us, and we could get quite close to them,

and we stroked them. We don't act like they're One Direction. Pigs. Oh, we could get close to the pigs. Big wow. But do you know what? I'm not a big animal person. I don't feel... I'm not a big animal, in case you were wondering'm not a big animal it's a case of a wandering when you say that there's been a dog named after you that's true yeah but that's a little animal

shih tzu yeah um and um as i was amongst the pigs and stroking them i i felt a deep sense of connection to those animals really yeah they're my they're my guys pigs really i really like i really like the pigs you know if you were if you was dead they would have had you eaten in yeah sub 20 minutes apart from your teeth maybe they thought i looked it all i stroked the pigs and even the George Michael back hair. Yeah. I really liked pigs. That's great. So I think if, perish the thought,

I needed a new career path, I reckon I could be a pig man. Swineherd. Pig farmer. Whatever it's called. I'll do some research before I commit. Yeah, exactly. I'd get the name right before the interview.

I think the name's Leon. What about the interview? Who'd be in the name's Leon. What about the interview? Who'd be in the ante room when you went for the interview? People sitting there with pig experience. Oh, dear. Well, that's lovely, though. How often do we truly feel at one with nature?

I love that story. Did you wash your hands afterwards? Yes. Good. Okay. And have you since decided that you'll never eat pork again? No, it's delicious. But I do like pigs. I have you since decided that you'll never eat pork again? No, it's delicious.

But, um, I do like pigs. I hope you told them that. You can't eat your employees. Are they your employees or are they your clients? Are they the clients, Frank? Or are they your colleagues? Can you imagine a swine? Have you met my colleague? Can you imagine your new swineherd comes bursting into the office

saying, I've lost the clients. I don't think client is... Clients? What do you mean, clients? I don't think client is the right word. Who be the clients? That reflects badly on how you feel your management company treats you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from absolute radio time five says the best thing to happen in the last 20 years is three lines on a shirt

how lovely to say that well you say that but they said three lines l-i-n-e-s do they work for adidasidas? No, I don't think... Oh, do they support Newcastle? They don't really understand. It's three lines, just FYI. But that's nice. Idiotic Eureka moment and a bit of praise. Probably just a spelling mistake. Yeah, but maybe it was.

They actually did just like three lines on a shirt. Maybe it's Daniela Westbrook texting you. 258. The pigs are released to eat the acorns because they're poisonous to the ponies. Oh, I see. Makes sense. That's how lovely.

See, that is an example of a truly functioning environment. And the dragons are released to eat the pigs. That's probably how they're there. I'm happy with that. Shall we move on? Well, yeah, but not before 332's missive. Gareth likes the new forest. Didn't he go there with Laura for a night away from Ethan,

a huge 12 minutes away? Oh, yeah, that's right. Wow, well remembered. We went away for the weekend, booked a way to stay somewhere, put it into the sat-nav, 12 minutes. That's better, isn't it? Just another room. Just going

to the toilet on your own feels like a treat. That's like when an ex-boyfriend took me for a mini-break weekend away and it was just near Gatwick Airport Hotel. Which I thought was a bit of a strange choice. We had a nice time. Did you hold back the lolly? Okay.

Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Did you see that thing about The flatmate in China Who did a good trick on his flatmate He's a flatmate

I've said flatmate twice In a slightly odd way I did say it Don't review your performance whilst it's happening Was it a good trick? Frank will say it was it was it a good review your performance whilst it's happening was it a good trick or was it i'll do that go on i thought it was a good trick what he did is it well on the picture of it it looks like a lovely um fried chicken burger type thing it looks like a schnitzel it does i had one named after me once. Really? He was getting his revenge on his flatmate for stealing his food, wasn't he? Yes, so he made what he did.

Can I say what gets me about that? If you take the opening sequence of Le Miserable, the man is arrested for stealing a loaf. Jean Valjean being the man. Arrested for stealing a loaf, and I think they're going to execute him for stealing a loaf. Yes. Now, a lot of student types would be saying that's absolutely outrageous.

You know, the man was hungry, he needed food, and that's what, you know, these fascists... When it happens to the students, they're all for making nasty things to get their own back. That's the hypocrisy of the student population. Good night. We've done a lot of pointing out hypocrisy on this show. Exactly.

The terrible hypocrisy of Philip Schofield. That is the title of the article I've got in the Times tomorrow. Is it? Yeah. Awesome. I'm glad it's an article and not a dear sir. Oh, dread those. Anyway, so the trick he's done is he's made a cardboard chicken schnitzel.

Let's call it a schnitzel. Let's call it a schnitzel. He went to some lengths. Yes. So what you do, he first got two sort of oval-shaped bits of cardboard and taped them together, because he didn't think it'd be thick enough otherwise. He's given it some thought. Can I say, he gave it the degree of thought

which I would expect you to give it, Frank Skinner. Yes. Leads me to conclude he might be a bit of a git. to give it, Frank Skinner. Yes. Which leads me to conclude he might be a bit of a git. I think that's possible. I mean, it looks great. I don't know what it would have tasted like. I imagine if you come out, I'm

drunk enough. Who cares? Like so many things. He soaked it in soy sauce, Frank. That's the weird bit for flavour. Why did he use flavour? It's not real. Why is he doing it in soy sauce? I think he's the weird bit for flavour. Why did he use flavour? Because it's not real. Why is he doing it in soy sauce? I think he wants to see how far down the schnitzel it can get him.

Yeah. He could completely fool him. But it looks... I tell you what, it would be great. You put chilli on it? If there'd been a ransom demand and he had to pay them in schnitzels... Yes. You know, in films when they put real money just on...

I beg your pardon? They put real money just on the top and the bottom of the pile of notes. He could have a pile of... If he had one of those at each end, he could fool them completely. I know. It would be a great ruse. In the great schnitzel ransoming. Yeah, you have to pay 5,000 schnitzels

to get back your son, your rather wayward son who's been hanging around with the wrong types and getting involved in the barbiturates. Why do people get so angry because people steal their food? I mean, really? It's a piece of old chicken. It's not a Cartier bracelet. Calm down. It's your argument. Just buy more food.

I'll just move on. Let them eat cake. You're quite right, though. You know, he could have killed this friend. Because of cardboard? Yeah. He could have. If he swallowed that cardboard, who knows? Anyway.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So we were talking about thieving flatmates. I haven't been in a lot of flats, but when I used to live with my family, my good-looking brother Josh,

he had a way of... Well, we haven't heard of him for a long time. He's doing ever so well. What's he doing? He's a cinematographer now i thought he's gonna say he's a cinema rusher i think i think uh it's been osher morning if you're good looking that is a good job you don't have to work really if you're that good looking no is he still good looking yeah how old is he i don't know i don't know. I don't know.

No, I'm just wondering how much longer he's got that as currency. I think he's 30. About seven or eight years. God bless him, anyway. I think me Richard's improved with age, though. You think? Anyway. But what he used to do is, because he, if he's got some chocolate, he would eat it all at once. Right.

Whereas I save chocolate for a very long time. Oh, like a hoarder. Just eat a little bit of it melt in my mouth very slowly stop doing that face you're like cat weasel we're a squirrel the rest away okay and so he wouldn't just outright steal it from the fridge he would move it in the fridge to a different location and then if I didn't mention it for a period of time he would then eat it. This sounds like something you'd see on a natural

history programme, doesn't it? That voles do. Incredible thing. You won't believe it. He moves the food here and then doesn't touch it. And now two weeks later the good looking brother. I think, you know what I think's happening here? I don't think good-looking brother. Yeah, exactly. I think...

You know what I think's happening here? I don't think there's any intent behind it at all. I think he's so good-looking, he has a kind of devil-may-care attitude to life. He just takes the chocolate out, puts it back. You're more concerned with what the medicine rate's been. Sometimes he rearranges the whole fridge just for the hell of it. It's because he can.

Even the egg. You know the eggs in their little holders in the door? Sometimes he just moves those around. Yeah. It's because he can. Even the egg. You know the eggs in their little holders in the door? Sometimes he just moves those around. It's like playing Go with the eggs. That's what it's like for these good looking people. They live to different rules to us. Yeah, they do. They have no rules.

Thanks very much. Include me in your 12-year-old. You notice I completely went with it. I know. I'm happy to went with it. I know. I'm happy to go with it as well. I live with a man who had very, very bad body odour. Congratulations. And somebody there...

My good-looking brother. Because he doesn't care. He doesn't need to wash. He doesn't need to use deodorant. He doesn't need to wash. And somebody wrote to odourators on his behalf. Did they? Asking if they could make him a suit.

Oh, no. And Odoritas wrote back to him with quite a very lovely detailed letter saying why it was difficult to make the seams. I should have got in touch with that Chinese guy. He was completely broken-hearted. That's that story. Anyway, another game of pie face.

So yeah, why didn't the Chinese man use odor eaters and batter those? That would have been a lark. It would absorb all the soy sauce. And I live with a bloke who only had two records as well. So all he played

was Blue Mondi by New order and um what was it love missile f-111 by zig zig sputnik and he just um oh he went over again he just interchanged one after the next i swapped them i mean all night yes which one did you prefer the stinker or the one with the only two songs? I preferred the one with the two songs. He was a sculptor as well, which I liked. He's a romantic liaison. When you went into his flat, no, no, when you went into his flat,

there was, like, gravel on the floor and stuff. He basically lived in a quarry within the bed seat. What was David Baddiel's worst habit? Are you allowed to say? I think it was wearing a very short dressing gown. Thank you so much for listening. Gareth, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me.

It's always lovely to see you and you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.