The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Scripted

Episode Date: March 14, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The A-team are back. Frank has had a week of freebies and he shares the joy with Alun and Em. They also discuss Clarkson and steak-gate, Milliband's two Kitchens and the future of the name 'Gary'.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. The gang's all here, as they used to say. You can text our little show on 8-12-15. You can follow it on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

Or you can get this, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Does anyone email, though? Our Little Show. People do. They have to do for the, it's a bit like last night on Comic Relief. And they said, and if you'd like to send a cheque. I love the people. Who's going to do that?

Oh, that's, I want a postal order. Used to get me about postal orders is that if you bought, like, a £3 postal order, it was, like, £3.80 or something like that. Oh, the mark-up on postal orders. Pfft! Absolutely awful. So, um...

Is it too late to march? Is it too late to march on that one? Yeah, I think it... That ship has sailed. OK, I've just finished my dog license sitting seven and six anyway um oh what a morning i've had i arrived at absolute radio it's about seven o'clock what the morning i've had and uh he's already discussed the markup on postal orders genuinely like talking to a pensioner today And now it's who the morning I've had

No, but I arrived How old are you? I arrived Never ask me that again Or I'll ask you Then you'll be sorry You're not wrong I, um

Yes, there was a large envelope pointing for me at Absolute Radio Lovely And, um P45 Oh, there's no need for that It's all gone a bit Clarkson. Lovely. And, um... P45. Oh, there's no need for that. It's all gone a bit Clarkson. Cold platter. And, um... It was, uh...

It was a hooded top commemorating the return of Gotham. Oh, yes, I saw you opening this. Oh, I was very excited. I'm very excited that it's coming back. I think regular readers will know that I love Gotham. Excited isn't the word. When you opened it, did you see this, Al?

Yes. He opened it, took it out of the envelope, and his first word, when he saw Gotham, I mean, I'm not going to lie, it wasn't that impressive. It was just a grey hoodie with Gotham on one of the sleeves, and Frank went, look how subtle the lettering is. Well, that was a fair point, I thought. Also, I love it.

I love it when you get a garment that arrives in an envelope. Yes. I mean, how often does that... I suppose if you do mail order a lot, that does happen. But I don't. So, yes, I was... You said wow. You said wow.

I was genuinely wowed. I was wowed by it. Yes, you were. Are you going to wear the Gotham hoodie with the Doctor Who dressing gown over it? I'm going to wear the Gotham hoodie when I watch Gotham on Monday night. Oh, good. Good.

I think that's... Natural world order. My son, Boz, will hold... Look, if we're watching Mickey Mouse on the DVD, he'll hold a Mickey Mouse. It's a bit of an interactive 3D censor round

thing. So, yeah, I might well do that. I might wear my Gotham PD police badge. Who's going to stop me? Nobody. Well, you won't be alone, because obviously the entire nation will be gripped by Gotham. Yeah. Well, what is it, Channel 5?

Isn't Catwoman in it? I wear a cat suit whilst I watch it. I don't know what you guys are wearing, do you? Is Catwoman in Gotham? Look, Catwoman to be. Oh wear a cat suit whilst I watch it. I don't know what you guys are wearing. Is Catwoman in Gotham? Look, Catwoman to be. Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah. Sort of Catgirl is in it, yeah. And anyway, I don't often champion television shows that aren't mine.

I don't even champion my own, let's face it. That's a good point, yeah. But I think it's brilliant. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I'm going to tell you something now, that the Gotham hoodie was not my most exciting arrival of the week. No.

What? What's happened? You know, in recent times, it's a bit of a regular read, as we'll know. First of all, I discovered a pen shop in Sheffield and mulled over the idea whether people actually use fountain pens anymore. Pen shop in Sheffield? I'm just getting over the postal order anecdote. Yes, and then I filmed at an old ink company.

Do you remember that? Yeah. Stephen's Ink. And then I was sent blotting paper by Ryman. So it's all falling into place. For the culmination, which this week I was sent a free fountain pen. Oh, is it from Michael Parkinson? He likes giving free pens.

He does, yeah, but that was just for inquiring. Yeah. You have to text pen, remember. His is a ballpoint pen. Yeah. That's what I've heard. But, yes, I received a free fountain pen, and I must say it was a bit spesh.

Was it? It really was. Have you got it? It's called the Peer 125 peerless yeah it's peerless it's peerless like you know like for instance on c yeah um and it's uh spelled incorrectly yes well it's it's pretty remarkable it's got turned into alan partridge i love it i want to tell you about this peerless's called the Peerless One Two Drive. You know what?

I never encourage freebies. I'm not one of those people who begs on air but when they do arrive Well, you say that you never encourage Alan and I to get freebies. No, I don't.

I often say You'll cut Ronith over, love. I often say if you send me one of these I'll burn it but this was I never asked for this this was given from the

and it's what my point is it's an 18 carcarat gold nib. No way. For a start-off. For a start-off. I've heard that. And it says on the actual carrying case,

it says those carrying this pen will not be overlooked. Which I fully expect to be disproved when the next comedy awards are announced. But, yeah, it's gone on 18. I'm going to get it. I'm going to show it to you guys. Will you get it out? I'll have that as a ringtone, eh?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, girls? Hashtag orcs. Yes. Hashtag, hashtag. Hashtag orcs? Yes. Hashtag, hashtag.

So, I can't get it out. Here it is. There it is. It is golden. It is golden. I said I had something golden. Can I be honest? You know I always will.

Yeah. I'm not saying I don't like it, but it is quite Qatari businessman. Yeah, but I like Qatari businessman. Kind of looks like a suppository of some kind as well, doesn't it? Is Ed Miliband a Qatari businessman? Yes. He sounds very Qatari to me. I'm going to show you the 18-car gold nib, look at that We are the world

We are the future And also, in the top of the cap, can you see that in the top of the cap? Can you see something red glistening? Yeah, is it a laser? It's a real, it's not a laser It looks like one though, huh? It's like a gadget pen, I was thinking that Yeah, I'm going to do it on the back of Tony Pulis' head

What is it? It's like a gadget pen. I was thinking that... Yeah, I'm going to do it on the back of Tony Pulis's head. What is it? It's a ruby. No. It is. It's a real ruby. This isn't very you, is it? Come on. I'm very excited about it.

A gold fountain pen with a ruby in it. Yeah. I cannot write with it without going, You've been it up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair which is the opening line of Ruby Don't Tell Your Love to Town by Kenny Rogers. Do you know Kenny Rogers?

No, but thanks for the tip. I'll come back to this. There's more. It's there. It's a great comment once said. Have you started smoking cigars as well and complaining about room service? No, but if that steak doesn't turn up soon, someone's going to get their head smashed in. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, the reason it's called the PLS 125 is there's only 125 of them made. No. Hmm? Limited edition. Limited made. No. Hmm? Limited edition. Limited edition. No. And what number did they send me? 101.

No, that's great. Eh? Marvellous. Was that because of your little show? Yeah, because of my little show, exactly. That's why they sent a pen to his nibs. Oh, I mean, come on. I'm so glad I came in this morning

I feel proud I feel proud like a parent would feel proud You can hear my pope And my version of Guadeloupe banging together Oh, right But you just had a rattly nipple Yeah Rattly nipple, I think

Isn't that a small village in Leicestershire? Yes So anyway, it's very lovely Radley Nibble, I think. Isn't that a small village in Leicestershire? Yes. So anyway, it's very lovely, and thanks to Cross for sending it to me. It's got to be worth a bit. It's got to be worth a bit. I never... It's not about the money.

You should try writing with it. It glides. Google it. You can hear it writing. You can hear... Can you? I just... Oh.

Can I be honest, Frank? I worry about the other one, two, four characters who've got that pen. Do you? I just... Oh. Can I be honest, Frank? I worry about the other one, two, four characters who've got that pen. Do you? I just feel like anyone with that pen... They're all in Kuwait. I wouldn't worry about that. I just feel they might be capable of cruelty. Oh, well.

What a new aunt. Oh, you mean... Well, they might be. But hopefully not with an 18-carat gold nib. What a waste. That's true. My handwriting has improved. You feel you want to impress it.

You've got lovely writing. I'll call it priestly, your writing. Thank you. Not JB. No, just general priest. I feel guilty about crossing out with this thing. Oh, do you? Yeah.

So it's not the sort of thing I'm going to write a note for the milkman with, I must say. No, or vote with. Mainly because I haven't written a note for the milkman since, what, 1973. Do you just text him now, is it? Do people still do that? No. Do they still have milkmen? Yeah, I think they just about exist still. Do they? No. Do they still have milk then? Yeah. I think they just about exist still.

Do they? Yeah. I haven't seen milk on anyone's step for years. Maybe people take it in quicker. Maybe. And the trouble is it was always a great, it was helpful. I mean, goodness. I saw a milk float the other day and I asked him for a lift. And he said,

he stopped. He said, where are you going? Are you serious? Yes. I was with my boyfriend. I was with my boyfriend and I was leaving to go to work. It sounds, where are you going? Are you serious? Yes, I was with my boyfriend. I was with my boyfriend and I was leaving to go to work. It sounds like the walk of shame, doesn't it? And he'd ordered... Was your boyfriend hiding behind the tree and you were showing a bit of stocking top in order to get a lift? Was it one of those things? I think you'll find the tree was hiding behind him.

And he was showing a bit of gold top. No. And I seem to recall... Have you ever dreamt this? No, honestly, this is true. The milk float sort of slowed down and then he waved and then I said, oh, could you give me a lift? Because I was worried our cab wasn't going to arrive.

And he stopped and he said, well, where are you going? Which way are you going? And then when he discovered which way I was going, he said, no, I'm not going that way. And he drove off. I thought it was quite sweet and villagey. So it's not just leading to an enormous pun. It's actually a true story.

No! You're suggesting it's not worthy of existing as a story on its own. No, I'm just shocked. And it needs to have a pun as a punchline. Well, I suppose on one level I am suggesting it. But it's just that I've never thought of the milkman. You know, as I say, you don't see milk. Honestly, this is not a lie.

This happened. It used to be a sign. I mean, goodness knows how many rotting pensioners there are indoors nowadays. You know, it was the only signal we had. You've never been the same since you got that gold pen. Oh, hashtag orcs. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I don't know if I... You know, I did a film for Tate Modern about performance art. Do you remember this happening? Yes, I do. And they paid me with hotel points. That's what they paid.

In a swap system? Yeah. Or some sort of tax dodge, isn't it? No, I think it's how days suggest that. Next nation's disgrace. I won't take that. Oh, lovely! So, I think it's because they were sponsored by Meridian or something,

so that's how they paid. So I've been sitting on them points for a while. And then we had a rare evening when Boz was out all night. Always a worry with a toddler. But I said, give it 48 hours. He'll show up. Yeah, trying that laissez-faire approach to parenting. Exactly. You know, you don't want to smother him.

No. So, um. Shortly share. Exactly. Good work. Um, anyway, he came back, um, waving a glow stick. Absolutely off his bonce. Did he have a kebab?

A couple. He'd had a kebab or two, by the look of him. But anyway. No, he was at his auntie's house. Lovely. So I said, let's have a night in a hotel. So we stayed in quite a... Oh, Frank!

Yeah, quite a... I would call it... Why is Daisy laughing already and you haven't even told the story? It's just the idea of me in a hotel with a young woman. This is your partner, we should say. It is my partner, but still a young woman. I know she is, but...

Relatively speaking. You made it sound dubious. Yeah, well, I was trying to. Clearly. So, yeah, it was what they call, I didn't realise this when we booked it, they call it a party hotel. Oh.

And you know me. Uh-oh. Party. Am I allowed to know which one it was? Yes, because I don't have any criticisms of the hotel. It was the W Hotel. I'm familiar with its work. In Leicester Square.

Mm. And after three minutes in the foyer, I could see how it got its name. My fake turner has a residency there. Well, I'll tell you something. I'm not going to... It's a nice hotel. And this isn't a criticism of the hotel at all. It's more about... It's not a criticism of my girlfriend, but it's...

She's a sensitive woman let's put it that way we um so we checked into a room and she said i can hear um i can hear the the music from the bar downstairs oh isn't there's a lot of music in that hotel yeah and i said um maybe i can hear it but it is you know it is 10 to 4 i don't know if we should really go and complain and she said well I think we should move to another room and I went oh my god anyway I went to reception and I said you can hear the music

in our room, not believing for a second that you could but there was a hint of it and they said oh we've got nothing else and then they said oh we've got one room I'll talk to the manager and they said yeah we have got you another room, It's one of our suites. So we were moved. Good old Kath for complaining. Moved to this fantastic suite on the, what is it, the sixth floor or something. Excellent. So, you know, result. Resultamondo. So anyway,

we had a lovely evening. W Hotel Resultamondo. What's happened to you? Yeah, we had a lovely... W Hotel was Altamondo. What's happened to you? We had a fabulous meal at the restaurant. Isn't it always nice to be upgraded? Oh, it's one of my favourite things. I'll tell you what I don't like. I don't like being upbraided. No. But I like being upgraded.

I do. And it's weird how differently I feel about those two things when they sound almost exactly the same. That is... I can imagine the little smile on your face when you got into that new room. Oh, I can't tell you. There was a big cup and saucer in there as decoration.

When I say big, I mean one I could have stood in. Yeah? Yeah, brilliant. But anyway, I'll leave you on a teaser here. I woke up in the middle of the night, reached out for my loved one, and I remember I had my pyjama trousers on. No, I reached out. I reached out for my loved one, and she wasn't... She'd gone.

And I thought, well, that's a bit... I wonder what's happened. Maybe she's just gone to the toilet, but then she was gone for I thought well that's a bit I wonder what's happened maybe she's just gone to the toilet but then she's gone for quite a while so I went looking and I found her on the floor next to the toilet you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio

so yeah so Kath was lying on the floor. In the trendy hotel. Yeah, next to the toilet door. Yeah. And happily, I mean, I could have easily fallen over. It was like I imagined, you know, in the London Underground, you're in the Blitz.

It was like that, but instead we were in a posh hotel. Or at a house party in the 80s. Yeah, exactly, something like that. And so it turned out that she could hear, still, this distant throb of a bass line. I couldn't hear. If I really, really stopped and concentrated, I could hear what I think was the movement of the planet.

Quiet. But she could hear it. She was determined she could hear this sound. And that was the quietest spot in the room she'd worked out was lying next to the toilet door. So she was sleeping there? Yes, exactly. With her coat over her.

Yeah, it was like I was taking in the homeless. It's not really enjoying the full luxury hotel experience, though, is it? No, exactly. I'm not going to lie out. I mean, it is quite trendy, this hotel. Yes, it is trendy. I'm not saying you two aren't, but... Aren't you?

You are with your tail, Link. It does feel like that. I just worried a bit about you turning up in the lobby. I thought it might be a bit like a Paddington Bear at Hoist nightclub. Well, Hoist? No, babe, I was... I tried. No, I was happy there.

I was fine. It was a lovely breakfast. Even Kat says, best fruit salad she'd ever had. Nice. She had to eat it in the shower. Yes. But she loved it. But she could eat it.

It was supposed to be, you know, we had a night to ourselves. It was supposed to be a night of warm sensuality. I don't want to know about the night. You know, we'd had a treatment. I don't want to know. No, well, it didn't happen. There's nothing to tell you. Is that a euphemism?

Oh, who did you get the treatment from? I know all the stuff. It's hard to get intimate with someone who's sleeping outside the toilet. With a coat on. Yeah, with a coat over them. God knows I've tried a few times over the years. It's why all their colleagues stand around in a circle and go,

I hate that. I hate that. It's so hard to focus. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, so we had a treatment at the hotel.

What was the treatment? Because I know this is my area. Well, it was, they did my area. Did they? Yeah. Absolutely disgusting. There was, um... I hope they ripped the plaster off quick. No, they did, uh... Stop it. It was, uh, it was sort of a combination of exfoliation. Oh, yeah?

And, um, and massage. Massage? You love a bit of French pronunciation. Massage? Massage, you mean? Um, and it was, um, massage massage you love a bit of French pronunciation massage massage you mean and it was it was it was

what was your therapist like I'm not a big she was nice they're all pretty much the same aren't they au contraire my friend well anyway

I like but whenever I'm having a treatment I always think you know what I'd really like is a shave. Do you? It's the one thing. It's the only sort of, if you can call it a treatment, I've ever had done.

I've had it done, I think, twice in my life I've been shaved. I mean, I'm on about, you know. The hot towel. The full monty, yeah. Well, not the full, just the face. And it's, I really like it. It's a real treat. Oh, no, I love a clean shaven man.

Is there an absolute barber who works here who'd come in and do me on Saturday mornings? That'd be good. Would be. No, but there's someone who does massage, apparently. Oh, I bet there is. I've seen them advertised in the local phone boxes. I know you're bearded now

but have you ever been shaved? I have been shaved yeah it's really nice I notice you don't ask me that question that's the quality on this show what puts me off is whenever you see people being shaved like in films and stuff the barbers is always like a

chill out room for the criminal fraternity and that's what puts me off that people will be sitting around in their... In reality, it's usually empty, isn't it? Is it? You just turn up, especially self-employed people like us that can go during the day when, you know, there's availability. You just pop down on a Wednesday at ten. It's all...

You'll be fine. Alan's got a bit Schedule D. How are you getting on with those postal orders? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8.12.15.

Please do. Some have. Obviously some haven't. You'd expect that. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. That's the modern way. Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Less modern, cheaper.

Actually, not cheaper than Twitter. Good point. All sorted. We've actually received an email that I'd like to bring to your attention. OK. It's entitled, Your motoring correspondent after more work. That's a reference to moi, I think.

Oh, yeah. Morning all. Last week there was a lot of chat. Neither of you were on the show last week. No. So I'll give you a quick pre-see. Thank you. Last week there was a lot of chat about cars and Top Gear.

Shortly after, Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended for a frac car. Was Alan, as the show's motoring correspondent, trying to engineer, brackets pun intended, a move to host the show? He did mention quite often how he would like a more permanent job. Maybe the three of you could

become the new presenters. Frank can give parking and reversing tips. Alan could find the best value car and how to get the most out of a tank of petrol. Emily can show what it's like to be driven around. Just a thought. That little Lord Fauntleroy in the back. How do you think it would

affect viewing figures if we were given the hosting and top gear? I think I might polarise people quite a lot. But you would be good for the international sales, whereas I think our strong regional accents might not quite carry the way that the preppy ones, they do all right. I'd go down well with a Qatari businessman, I think.

Keep Ed Miller band out of this. Frank could keep his pen in his hot pocket. Driving challenges. As in the light cat in the ruby. As I'm taking a smart car down the old Kent Road. Yeah, exactly. Fantastic. I think we'd be quite good.

Well, I'm not really a car... I mean, both David Baddiel and Adrian Child separately have told me I drive like a pensioner. You do? Yeah. So, I don't know. It has to be called third gear. I'm going to have to remind... I don't know if I can remind you of that.

No, you won't thank me for that. I might have to check with you. What you said to someone who criticised you for driving slowly once. Oh, I said, yes, I said, I've got a lot more to lose than you have. This was, yes, it was unkind. I said to her, if I had your job, I'd drive her one of those all-weather covers on. Who cares? People say they don't mind pulling your leg the other way. If you don't like the heat...

I agree with this in principle, because one of the things about the clerks and fracas... Are we calling it fracas? Well, everyone's calling it... People who've never said fracas in their lives are calling it a fracar. You know what I hate? Coming from a middle-class background, slightly theatrical. You hate that, did you say?

No, obviously I don't. What irritates me is I feel like someone who discovered the Smiths years ago, and then there are all these Aravis. So I've used fracar for years. Yes. But everyone, just because in the statement it said fracar, everyone has thought, oh, well, fracar, I'll go with that. Fracar.

I mean, I would go with debacle, really. I bet you there are people in pubs across Britain rhyming it with jackass. I bet there are. I bet there are. What's wrong with brouhaha? Yeah, I like a brouhaha. That would be better if there'd been a brouhaha.

Kefuffle. There definitely was a kerfuffle. But one of the things that has surprised me is just how many people, including the Prime Minister, and I saw Jonathan Ross on Loose Women yesterday saying, oh, he's a very talented performer, very talented broadcaster, amazingly talented broadcaster. And I think, how hard can it be? You're driving a car around and then slagging it off it's a doddle as long as you've got a full driving license you're you're qualified for the

gig aren't you I have to say it's not that hard is it is there any bigger slap in the face than to be called a broadcaster what it means is you're someone who everything you say could basically be replaced by blah blah blah, blah. I don't think that's true of Jeremy Clarkson. He has said things that have made me laugh. OK, are you a Clarkson apologist then? I'm not a Clarkson apologist. I'll tell you what I do.

He reminds me, I've watched him this week. It's in one of the articles. He's made 12 million quid or something out of overseas sales of Top Gear. And it reminds, when I've seen pictures of him, it reminds me, I was once introduced by Bob Monkhouse on a show, and he said, and now Frank Skinner, a man who hasn't let success go to his clothes. I'd agree with that. Every picture I've seen of Jeremy Clarkson this week, I've thought,

yes, yes, I know what you mean. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're talking about Jeremiah Clarkson on Absolute Radio. Jeremiah

was a bullfrog. Incredibly talented broadcaster, Jeremy Clarkson. Well, Frank was talking about his clothes. I'm going to call it his suspension chic. What's that mean? During his suspension, what he's been wearing. He's very quilted. I've never seen a man so quilted in the upper area.

He likes a quilted barber. I thought you meant his face. No. It's aspirational. You know what that is, Frank? It's aspirational Chipping Norton set. He wants to belong to these people. He does look very lucky.

He never will, of course. He might live in the country or something. He's got the Chipping Norton mud on the scuffed boot. And the jean. The jean's getting a big outing, isn't it? He does that thing as well. You know when he greets the press? It's a bit Andy Coulson.

It's a bit Honour Amongst Thieves I'm one of you really, he does the Morning gents Yeah exactly, I saw him on the news this morning Doing the Harry Redknapp interview through the car window When the car slows down I love it when they do that What I like about it is when they approach the press

They've already rolled down the window So they've made up their mind that they're going to do the thing But hey, I'm fairly confident he'll be back, though. I'm not sure he stalled it as he drove off. I think that immediately disqualifies him. Oh, God, what if he'd done that? I think the Harry Redknapp is ruined when you're in a promotional car, though,

with all kind of red seatbelts and things. You know, I don't see so many of those cars. You see them on the motorway. You would say something like, Power FM. Dave Willits on Drive Time. And you'd see the bloke, like, it's all that on his car.

I'm going to get one of those. Like, imagine a smart car with, at Frank on the radio, all over my car. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. That'd be good. Oh, um, when he was, um... Sorry, Alan.

You've got to be careful of saying that a smart car with stuff written on it would be good, because the last time you said you'd like a fountain pen, look what happened. Well, that's true. Now you've got a Ruby 125. Peerless 125. Peerless 125. A Ruby 125 is a Corrie of some kind.

Yeah, when I was a kid, there was a lot of cars with big things on the top. A lot of salesmen. Like if people sold shoes, you used of cars with big things on the top. A lot of salesmen. Like if people sold shoes, you used to have a big shoe on the top of the car. Yeah. It's all gone now. I was in a taxi recently and as we were driving... Get you. The metallic bit on the top fell off.

We just heard this huge thump and I went, what was that? And he went, oh, it was the taxi thing. And what was the actual sign? I said, Are you sure he was a real taxi driver? Do we need to come off? And he went, yeah. So I went, is that

not a worry to you? Like, maybe another vehicle here, or a bike? And he went, I'll get it on the way back. We'll get it on the way back. He didn't stop and get it. He didn't stop and get it, no. Is that really my story of... That sounds like a getaway driver, not a taxi driver. Tremendous confidence, though.

What? I'll get it on the way back. Especially in Manchester. No, it was the Isle of Man, so it's small. Oh, it probably would be all right there. There's probably only one taxi. Who else is going to use it? No, W.H. Auden, when he was a child,

apparently dropped a £5... He'd lost a £5 note when he was out with friends. And they went into a panic and he said, oh, don't worry, we can pick it up on the way back. They'd walked across, like, 20 fields and stuff. And he did exactly that. Some people have got that belief. Are we going to leave it on that?

That'll be fine, I suppose. Sort of more philosophy than I'm not sure how we got that from Jeremy Clarkson, but it's happened. It's not going to be the biggest laugh we've ever had. Let's not lie. What is the biggest laugh we've ever had? That's this week's not lie. What is the biggest laugh we've ever had? That's this week's text.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in that I think I should bring to your attention.

We don't normally read praise out on this show, do we? It's actually quite... We're quite bashful about such things. Well, I just think it's reading out your own praise.

It's a bit embarrassing, isn't it? Don't worry, this one's kind of got a sting in the tail, so it'll balance things out. It's like when people retweet things people have said about them. Well, you take that, Frank. I know you two don't do the Twitters, but I can't bear it when people do that. I mean, I do do the Twitters. What happened to modesty?

Morning, Frank. I blame the rap fraternity. Yeah. Do you? Yeah, I think it's all right to show off. It's all gone a bit Mark Arman crib, hasn't it? They love a crib. Mark Arman?

That's what you were going to say. That's a whole other story. Morning, Frank. Listening to your show for the first time, my wife recommended it. You are one of the few people who I will delay my nightly shower routine for. Think show is brill.

Is it scripted? As I find it hard to believe this high standard of chat is off the cuff. Thanks. Mark from Stockport, now in Norwich. I mean, even this bit's scripted, isn't it? That's the amazing thing about it, is that we have a really big production meeting and we discuss when we're going to get the W.H. Auden losing five pounds. Let's not take this as a miss.

This is a tremendous compliment. Yeah, yeah. I agree. We get writers in, don't we, Frank? We get Reuters in. For the topical stuff. No, well, it's... We just...

I suppose I know I'm going to talk about my new pen. No arguing with that. Who wouldn't? Well, me for one, but... Yeah, W.H. Auden losing a fiver. I'm going to tell you, that crept up on me. And I won't lie, the postal order material came as something of a shock to me.

Anyway, thank you. It's very nice of you. From WH Order to WH Smiths. When he says he delays his evening shower, well, he delays it till the next morning so he can listen to us. It seems that way. It doesn't make any sense. Why not have it in the evening?

Well, he's listening to the week before, Frank. No, but have it in the evening when you normally have your evening shower. Listen, we don't get that much praise. Be kind. Okay. Thank you, Mark. Just trying to help this bloke out with his timetabling. Delay my morning... evening shower.

He meant morning. Did he mean morning? I don't know what he meant. I've just read what I know. It's so hard to know what people mean. It is. What is meaning? All right, Howard Jones.

That's this morning's texting. Can you re-read the script? Sorry, I'll do that again. What is morning? That's better. I just this morning's text. Can you re-read the scripts? Sorry, I'll do that again. What is morning? That's best. Just completely misread it. Ever since this man... Kill that time, Chris.

Ever since this man asked whether our show is scripted, our show's gone awful. Well, that's just to put him off the scent. They're on to us. Why's it gone so awful? They're on to us. I've had Eddie Braben in a locked room all week knocking these out. Frank, can I ask you something about Jeremy Clarkson?

Anything. Whoa. I don't like to put you on the spot, but I do. And I, for one, would like to know, what is your opinion, quite seriously, of the incident? Well, the incident as I know it, and correct me if I'm saying anything illegal, is that he

had done a day's filming and then he went to the hotel and he wanted steak. And fondant potatoes. And the producer said we've only got like a cold plate because the chef's gone home. And I don't know if this bit is

official, but I've heard it said that he slapped the man across the face. I heard he punched him. What did you hear? I've heard that he shouted at him for 30 minutes and slapped him or hit him. Yes. Right. Now, rightly or wrongly,

you can't treat producers like that anymore. And, you know, we all have to move on with the times. It's not easy at first. Yeah. You know, but it's difficult. I mean, there's something tremendously satisfying to know that Jeremy Clarkson, if you said to me, what is he going to have an argument about?

Steak. Steak would be up there. Seems so right that he's argued about steak. Yes. That's great. But do you think they should sack him? I don't think they will, because I think the BBC have a tremendous record

for giving their big stars little foibles. Yes. So I think he'll be all right, is what I think. But it is right. Edmonds has said their BBC have failed to give him the support that such a mercurial talent requires. What's the talent, though? He doesn't do it in reverse, does he? Broadcaster.

It's just driving. Noel Edmonds said he should have had full support from experienced brand managers. I like the idea. What do you do? I'm a brand manager for... That's the most corporate thing anyone's ever said in their lives. But how can you be a brand manager for like a violent chain smoker it's a little bit more than that anyway i don't think i don't think you should go out hitting people generally um if i you know if i

hit very specifically say if i hit daisy yeah if i smacked her in the face because there was enough marmite on my toast for example you know what know, what would happen to me? We all know, I think. Talk sport. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts in. We've got various text-in plates spinning today, like, have you got a milkman? Do milkmen still exist? Yes, do they? I saw one the other day.

Yes. Yes, I forgot that. And the other one that we'll come to momentarily is... Emily nearly got a lift-off one. You had a taxi driver, his taxi sign. Where's my fictional vehicle story? It's not fictional. Fictional vehicle story? They're not fictional! Fictional vehicle story.

It's not. I've got a witness. I'm going to have a word with the writers about this. Don't see why I should be missed out. I promise I'm not lying. Morning, Frank and team. If you were to be at my door 7am Monday, Wednesday and Friday, you'd see milk on my doorstep.

My next door neighbour is my milkman. Love the show. Best Mike. Oh, actually, that should have a comma. Best Mike. I don't think he's saying he's the best Mike. No. Well, he would if he was a rapper. Sort of thing they say, isn't it? Exactly.

Mike controller. We've also had 714 text say... Hold on, hold on. If your milkman is next door... Yeah. I wonder if that delivery happens. Does he get... You get it first, don't you? Do you get it first or do you get it last?

I do get it first. Depends how much he likes you. I think if you get it last, you might get what's left over. You might get a couple of crates of milk. A bit of rice pudding at their house, wouldn't it? Oh, God, blancmange. 7-1-4 is what you want. I'd have Nesquik ready just in case I got any extras that day.

If you had a Twitter account, I'd like that to be your little status. I'd like you to have, oh, God, blancmange. I'd be your little bio. How long has it been since you've had blancmange? I don't think I've ever had blancmange. Have you ever? I don't think I've ever had blancmange Have you ever? I don't think I've ever had blancmange It should be blancmange

What? You put an accent on everything It should be blanc, shouldn't it? Blanc Is it actually blanc? I don't think he sounds it Sorry, is this section of the show scripted? Because it sounds like it is

It's scripted, but in French It's gone awful again. 714 has texted, we still have a milkman. Well, I say, man, we've never seen him, as all communications are done online. Could be a milk robot, for all I know. He's reliable, though. Online Milko! Online now!

The note for the milkman is online. I should be getting an email from the milkman. Milkman at AOL.com. An old school email address. Milko. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, really, what's happened to the world? Remember the fabulous Les Dawson joke?

The first time I saw my wife, I saw her walking down the other side of the street and something electric passed between us. It was a milk flight. Absolutely. One of the street, and something electric passed between us. It was a milk flight. Absolutely. One of the great jokes ever. Can I ask a question? I know you may feel we've got off the subject of Jeremiah Clarkson,

but no. We're still on. What about those two? They've got away scot-free. I think we know which two I'm talking about. Slippery little suckers, aren't they? They didn't hit the producer. Yeah, but they never do, do they?

To be honest with you, they were holding his arms. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. I think James actually didn't remember because he was so drunk. Oh, there you go, that excuse. They never remember, do they, those two? Yeah. It's like Burgess and McLean.

Except in frayed bootcut jeans. Exactly. I don't know. But before we condemn, we should remember, I think nearly a million people now have signed the petition. Yeah. I would argue that means about 59 million people haven't. So that's fine, isn't it? The country is really comfortable with them going, I would say. I would argue a million people signing that petition bodes pretty well for you keeping the general election.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, what else? Oh, well, we've got, it's not quite an answer, but more a theory from 866. Hi, Frank. I think he may have meant that he delays his evening shower to watch you on TV. Now he's finally discovered this show. Maybe. Two question marks.

This is the man who said he delays his evening shower to listen to the show. Yeah. Which I thought was his show. He might mean one of your other comedy works, you know. Well. Oh, that's true. You do get about, don't you?

Well, I wouldn't... If you have an evening show, you have it last thing before bed, don't you? No. I don't. If I have an evening shower... When do you have an evening shower? Evening.

When it's time. You know, when it feels like time. I'd never, ever have an evening shower. Wouldn't you? If I'd been egged. Say it was my last... If it was my last day somewhere, I'd been flowering egged. If you'd been gone...

You have a something of a hair shirt approach to showering, though, don't you? Hair shirt is the name of my tailor. He's from Munich. He's a lovely chap. You know what I mean, though, Frank? You're very in and out. You don't see it as a... Don't say that after his story earlier about the Pop Show Hotel. Well, yes, but just an evening show,

you know, the damage has been done by then, I think. What's the point? You don't want to go to bed. If I had an evening show and then went to bed, I'd still feel I had to have a show the next morning, wouldn't you? Well, I think it's considerate for your loved one, who I believe you referred to earlier. Yes, but this is the

thing of sleeping three floors away. It's not so bad. Nevertheless, anyone else have we heard from? Oh, you know what, I want to know about your medical, because you never told me about that. Yes, I had a medical this week. When you do

a... Because the last time you had one, there was a bit of an incident. I don't even want to talk about it. Well, usually, if you have a medical for a TV show, you're in and out. They just never look. You just put your head around the door and they say yes and sign something and that's it. Right. An autograph normally.

I know what these doctors are like. And then I had a super sorrow one which I spoke of before on the show which I didn't enjoy at all. I had to expose myself to this little man. as I said, as he

put his hand in, it was like trying to force one extra book on the bookshelf. Anyway. One of the worst things you've ever said. Yeah, one of them. Let's do a list. No, let's not. So, anyway, I went to see a very nice lady

and she was somewhere in between the two things. So she was, she did a thing which I still, I spoke to her about this it still amazes me that this still goes on in medicals she did the thing where i sit and cross my legs and they hit you with a hammer oh oh the reflex yeah but it seems the most archaic thing but you there are doctors are still hitting people with hammers it's a bit bit ancient Greece, isn't it? It's very... It is.

It's so... And I said to her, have you come up with a more modern method of testing my... She said, no, no, it's really helpful. And you are actually a funny guy, so I hope that you kick the other leg. Did you do that? Finally, I thought, see, that's where you're... You young people, you're always one step ahead.

I hadn't thought of that. I love that you're young. I haven't been called a young person ahead. I hadn't thought of that. I love that you're young. I haven't been called a young person for a while. I'm having that. I'm, uh... Since you turned 40. I'm not one to brag, but I'm very good on the reflexes. Are you?

I really... My leg, um... There's nothing to brag about. It's a reflex. It really... It really... You've got no control over it. I know, but it really goes.

It's very... I could see she was particularly satisfied. It really kicks in. I mean, I dare, I dare not have my reflexes tested wearing a slip-on shoe. No. That'd be a window breaker. Well, straight on. You know how you don't believe when people faint?

Yeah. I don't believe when they have their reflexes tested. I think they're doing it on purpose. I won't have that said. I've got some update on that. Always exaggerateate these people. Remember we talked about things we don't believe on when I said average speed

cameras. I said average speed cameras. I got a ticket from one. I've had to re-evaluate the whole game. Ah, you see. So I think, you know, maybe we have to just concur that actually some things are true. It is. And I'll tell you something else. It was genuine. Iactually some things are true. It is, and I'll tell you something else.

It was genuine. I really do give it a good old kick. Yeah? It blew up. Oh, it's like the Moulin Rouge when I get my reflexes tested. But also, there's something very pleasant. There's something a little bit tickly and pleasant about it. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. It's a little bit of excitement in my day. And do you know the lollipop stick up the sole of the foot? Oh, God, I'm glad that's what you said. You know... You know that

to test for chlorine. It's gone a bit specialist interest. You know when you test for chlorine with the toes and you run a lollipop stick right up the foot? Do you ever have that done? Oh, that tickles, doesn't it? It does, but my chlorine, again, is absolutely top-notch. It is.

It virtually doubles up my foot. Who posts about that? So you're like a pterodactyl. Big deal. It's fantastic. On one occasion my toes actually seized the lollipop stick. And I couldn't

get it out. It was full on. Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on... I'll just let you get your pencils.

81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, I've got the intonation a bit wrong on the last bit, but there we go. It was extraordinary. All the senses there. I liked the pause to let them get their pencils. Almost like you were rubbing it in that not everyone's got a Peerless 125.

No, the Peerless. With Ruby. Do you want to hear the Peerless writing. No, the Peerless. With Ruby. Do you want to hear the Peerless writing? Yeah, why not? Okay, hold on. I liked your impression of it earlier. A bit more of the scripted section of the show. Here we go, here we go. Ah! Do you know what, that was so J.R. Hartley.

It's like a Radio 4 play, wasn't it? Yes! Fantastic. It sounded like the man who was the BBFC signing his signature. You know the British... Big Friendly Giant? No!

It's the Film Sense classification guy. Oh, yes. I imagine that's how he'd write his signature. I don't know who it is now. Or Fred Quimby. Fred Quimby's signature looked to be like that on the end of the Tom and Jerry cartoons Yeah, or you could Make that reference, yeah

Quimby So they used to say the fans I'll tell you who we need to talk about this morning We've done Jeremiah Clarkson We need to talk about Older TKM Two Kitchensitchens miller band ah yes what about the kitchens did you see the pictures well we only saw one kitchen well we did we saw one kitchen spartan wasn't it it was spartan i think we can agree that it was yes it was spartan but um but

that the point is they let the cameras in in, but that's not their real kitchen. They've got two kitchens, haven't they? That's more like a utility room. But why is it the politicians think if they get photographed with a mug of tea, that makes them man of the people? That's all you need? A mug, yes.

Yes, I actually use a mug. I don't have a china saucer and cup. Oh, well, I'll vote for you then. And hold on a minute, you've got a round neck jumper on. You really are. You're me. You're essentially me. You're a normal guy. I was suspicious the minute I saw that kitchen. Were you?

I thought it looked disproportionately small for what I'm going to call a 2.5-er. 2.5 million pound house. Big house he's got. That's why he can't find his Vic inhaler. It is difficult finding small things in big houses. It is. I've got a large home.

I couldn't find a watch recently. It took me about three weeks. Well, as I said, I lost Boz for 48 hours. He was in the scullery. Do you know that's very fashionable now for celebrities Sculleries? No but two kitchens I know someone I won't name them

But he has two kitchens A comic yeah Oh I know who you mean We all know who we mean Is it Jimmy Carr? Yeah everyone talks about his two kitchens Can we not say it? Oh he's got two kitchens

I think you've said it now Oh sorry Everyone knows that One was paid for by nurses Can we not say? Oh, you've got two kitchens. I think you've said it now. Oh, sorry. Everyone knows that. One was paid for by nurses and the other one was paid for... Frank! ...by, um... the disabled. Frank!

Anyway, it's fine. As long as he's enjoying them. One of the... One of the... Michael Gove's wife... Oh, yeah. She had a right go, didn't she? She had a right old go.

To go from... She said, um... Oh, yeah. She had a right go, didn't she? She had a right old go. It's a go from Gove. She said... Fine, really. Yeah. Which was a little bit ironic, wasn't it? I think you'll find. What did she say? Well, she described it as forlorn, the kitchen.

The forlorn kitchen. That's very Bell Bainbridge novel. It is. I'd love to read that book. She said it was like proof that they were aliens as well. Yes. It was a bit unkind. She was.

This is Michael Gove's wife. She's a columnist for the Daily Mail. The woman whose kitchen we paid for, may I remind you. I bet she's got a big kitchen. I told you, I saw him on a train, he got the biggest bottom I've ever seen in my life. She didn't mention that in the article. No.

You couldn't put that on a kitchen stool. It would be a terrible overlap. Is Michael Gove on Twitter? Does he have his Twitter bio loving my curves? Since 1980. He's a Menage-like figure in British politics.

He is. I'm honestly, one of the biggest behinds I've seen on a slim, an otherwise slim person. What about me? Is he more bootalicious than me? Well, I'm thinking male,

because women, it's a bit different. You see, you know, it's sort of part of the deal with a lot of women is the big behind. But with men, it's quite unusual. I know there's the old big hammer, big nail theory, but I can't believe that that's true of Michael Gove. But you never know, do you? Oh my god! What have you said?

Or shall we play some... What have you said? What have you said? Did I actually say that out loud? Put the music on! Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We were just discussing what Jeremy Clarkson had on in his car when he did the Harry Redknapp through the window. Well, we all had... I thought possibly a little story about Jack and Diane. What is that? John Cougar Mellencamp. Oh, yeah. What did you go for? I think Queen Probably fat

I can imagine him singing Fat bottom girls Really out loud In a traffic jam Yes Fat bottom girls They make this Rocking world go round

I can imagine That enormous face Pressed against the windscreen No room for that face In a car I think there's money in that I'm going for that sunroof Now that's what I call Clarkson's suspension.

That CD. Look how old school I am with my CDs. What do you think he'd listen to, Al? There's got to be some Bon Jovi or something like that. Yes! Oh, he's Europe, isn't he? He's not even quite Bon Jovi. Final Countdown.

What about Brothers in Arms? Oh yeah, Die Straight. He loves a bit of straight. Or if he gets, I can imagine Yeah. Yeah, he loves a bit of straight. Or if he gets, I can imagine, if he'd gone a little bit plaintive. I don't know if he has those quiet moments. Oh, yeah. Bit of die-do.

Wouldn't that be great if he did do the red nappy interview and just drove off and you just heard Ed, you know. He might be, Desiree, you've got to be. That's quite him. You've got to be. You know that one, Frank. No, I'm just trying to pretend I do. You do. Don't break me up about it. Oh, I've got it what he is. Simply Red.

Something got me started. Hello. Anyway. Oh, I'll tell you what I wanted to talk about, which is not entirely off this topic, because I suspect Jeremiah has a friend with this name. Gary. Gary's are going to be extinct.

Yes. Gary. There were only 28 born in the UK last year. How many people are born in the UK in a year? Um, I don't know, I'm afraid. I haven't taken a census recently. Because if there's... Don't ask things like that to us. We're idiots.

No, but if there's 30... If there's 30 people born every year, then the name Gary is thriving. Really, there aren't 30 people born? I'm just doing some adding. I'll add in... Yeah, about 400, I think. 400 a year? Back of back to the envelope maths.

I'm guessing. Well, listen, given that there used to be 38,000 of them at one point I don't know if that was in the UK though but then, well we used to be overrun with Gary's, to be honest. But I believe it all started with

Gary Cooper. He made the name popular when would that have been Frank? That's more your era. Gary Cooper. He made the name popular. When would that have been, Frank? That's more your era. Gary Cooper got big, I think, maybe. Yeah, certainly 40s. Maybe even around like 30. Gary Cooper? Who changed his name from Alan?

From Alan? No, not from Alan. Alan Cooper. Who changed his name from? Frank. Yeah. He was born a Frank. Frank Cooper. He was born a Frank. Frank Cooper.

He thought Gary was better. He was supposed to be the Hollywood star that the women found most irresistible. And he was never billed as a heartthrob. But he had that sort of awe, shocks, cowboy charm that they couldn't resist. Do you know what? I've never met a Gary I didn't like. And I'm not just saying that to suck up to Gary Lineker. I am a bit.

I was once interviewed by Gary Bushel, so put that in your pipe and smoke. With two R's, actually. Gary Bushel. I like the way Gary normally very willfully only has one R. You think it should be Gary, but no, it's called Gary.

Needs two R's, but no, it won't do it. He's a bit like Michael Gove, isn't he? He's gone big on the R's. Yeah, he has. But it makes me very wary of him. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about James May? I think he's more of a... See, I think, secretly,

he might be playing the Smiths and stuff. And then he stopped on the car park, Clarkson, James, just a word. And he's changing it quickly. Changing it quickly to Motorhead. Motorhead. I've always felt, as you know, that he's their prisoner, James May, that he's actually a sensitive, nice man who wears floral shirts. Well, he favours the QI shirt, doesn't he? Yeah. It will come up that he's

essentially been a hostage. That will come out. Yeah. Are we talking about Gary? Yes. Um, yeah, you see... I'm not too worried about it disappearing. It's not like, you know, it's not like the bespectacled... What's the bespectacled bear? Do you know the bespectacled bear? No, what's the bespectacled bear? It's an endangered species. It's a bear that looks like it's wearing spectacles.

Right. And that's endangered. I'm more worried about that, even though it should be really the bespectacled bit. Right. Because you wouldn't say that someone was spectacled. No. So they haven't thought it through.

And, you know, they've lost the grammar and the alliteration. Did you know there were only 17 Roys born in Britain last year, I believe? I wonder why... 15 Keiths. Roy was... Keiths? Keiths. Basically, I'm not being rude, Frank, but if you're related to Frank Skinner in any way,

the chances are your name is about to be obsolete. Oh, it's true, isn't it? I'd rather be a Gary than a Keith. Yeah, but you've got a Terry. Frank's got a Terry as well. Isn't that a Simon and Garfunkel track? I'd rather be a Gary than a Keith. I'd rather be a Gary than a Keith.

Yes, I will. James May will be playing that, and then Clarkson will come along. Exactly. You say that, Al, but those in glass houses, that's all I'm saying. You don't get many Allans born these days. Not with a U. Is that right? No.

Alan with a U. Yeah. You just don't get many babies called Alan, do you? It's hard to think of a baby called Alan, isn't it? All right, and a baby Keith is really easy to think of, isn't it? It's easier. Imagine saying, yeah, let's go and get baby Keith from his cradle. Yeah, and we'll get baby Alan as well.

What do you mean, baby Alan? Is that that businessman who wears the nappy? And carries that gold head. Ex-baby Roy. nappy. And carries that gold head. Ex-baby Roy. What about, um, what about Gary? As in, um,

that ginger stuff you get in sushi bars. That's called Gary, isn't it? Is it? Is it? Yeah. You know that sort of pink, thinly sliced ginger? That's not called Gary, is it? You think it's salmon? Oh. Ginger. No, that's called Terry. No, it's called Gary.

I'm just going through your family. I've heard that. I thought it was all talk. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from 388. That's it. I've found my dog's name. Long live Gary. Can they call it long live Gary?

No, I think they probably mean that they're going to call the dog Gary. Oh, OK. And therefore the name Gary will live for longer than it would have otherwise. Is that what they... Well, they don't live that long. They don't. No. That'll go building your hopes up.

I'll tell you what, it's taken a sombre turn, hasn't it? I bet they didn't expect that. Yeah. That's where Gary's in Europe. Well, I'll tell you what, it's taken a somber turn, hasn't it? I bet they didn't expect that. Yeah. That's where Gary's gone. It's been accelerated by doggies. It's disappearance. But that stuff, the ginger stuff, Gary, I need to clear that you know the stuff I'm talking about.

Right. You get, when you go for sushi, like, you get a yo sushi. Oh, what, on the Japanese food? Yeah, so you get the green hot stuff, the wasabi, and then you get the, um, the pink sliced stuff. It looks like soft pencil shavings. Yes. That, that's, uh, Gary. I always,

I see it, I remove it, and I go, bleh. I don't like it. It's ginger. Is it Gary with a Y or an I? It's sliced with an I. It's a Japanese thing. Gary. They're not big on the Y at the end. They're not. They have an I at the end. They don't want a Y at the beginning. They're fine with that.

Y at the end? No. Not so much so. No. I nearly did the voice, but I didn't. I didn't. So everything's all right. Why not?

Well, yeah. That's why, because it's ginger, that's why you get Gary Halliwell. That's where she got her name from, with an I. I went to register, when we registered, when we registered Boz, I took, Boz Code, his name's on, we took him, and the woman

said, nice and easy to spell, and I said, yeah, it wasn't really my motivation, but true. She said, you'd be amazed how many people I get come in here and they'll say, yeah, we like to call it, you know, Constance. And they say, are you spelling that? And they go, hmm.

They don't know, they just make it up. And thought about that. Yeah. I always said, someone with real self-awareness, say, are you spelling that? Um, incorrectly, I think. You should go for incorrectly, don't you? Go for incorrectly.

But, yeah, so... What if she then said, all right, I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-N-C-O-R-R-I-... What if she then said, all right, I-N-C-O-R-R... Yeah, well, that would be confusion. Very difficult. In the age of Google, there shouldn't be any... I miss the Martins, Frank. The Martins? It was a great show. Or do you mean since they moved that bird sanctuary down the road?

Yeah, that's what I mean The Frank Skinner Show, listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio So I did Celebrity Squares this week Did you, to time with your 70s pen? Yeah Did they give you a cheque? Did they pay you with a cheque? They gave me a pen, actually.

They gave me a pen as well. It wasn't quite, it wasn't up there with the 125, but it was Yeah, well, we all know the 125 is peerless, don't we? Except for the other 124 people that got it. It's got, um Oh, is it 224? I can never remember. Is it peerless 125?

Yes. Oh, OK. Sorry. It's not that complicated, is it? I mean, for God's sake. It's so touchy about that pen. Anything to do with that pen? I find it easy, but I am Aladdin. Oh! It's not that difficult. Yeah, so I was centre square, which is the ultimate accolade.

You keep going on about that centre square. That was brilliant. At one point as well, the set is slightly creaky, and we did think the whole thing was going to come. At one point as well, the set is slightly creaky and we did think the whole thing was going to come down at one point. I was fairly confident I'd have got top billing if we'd all perished. Can I ask you what is the structure? I've always wondered

that and I might actually come down to the next show you do. Is it like a series of... I don't do it regularly. I was just a guest. Is it step ladders at the back? It's ladders. It isn't like the way on the university challenge, they put them on top of each other, but they aren't really.

Are you actually on top? They were literally on top. I was above Rylan. Were you? Yeah. Let's leave that there. What do you think about this? Now, to ask your professional judgment on this,

Rylan was asked a question about a German word, which is handy. If someone gave you a handy in Germany. Fine. Yes. Yes. Anyway, he said a high five, and it was wrong. And I said, I don't think high fives are very popular in Germany.

Fine. Now, do you think that'll get in, or do you think that'll be considered a bit too... Of course it won't get in. Oh, OK. I feared you might say that. I was quite pleased with it, but someone said to me after that it won't get in. So have you just been on Centre Square once? Yes. How many times have you been on Centre Square?

I'm just saying... And you made that joke? Yes. You think I won't be asked back? I'm just saying... I didn't say any more, I left it to the audience. I'm You think I won't be asked back? I think so. I didn't say any more. I left it to the audience. I'm just saying, don't wait by the phone.

No, OK, I won't do that. You don't have to do that, really, in the age of the mobile. Thank you so much for listening this morning. It's great to have the whole gang back together. And if the good Lord spares us and the crates don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning

from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.