The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Shredded Genie

Episode Date: December 8, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week on the show Frank, Emily and Alun discuss The Hotel of Wine, Princess Charlotte's impromptu toilet break at a London boozer, an extreme sports Grandpa and the reemergence of boot cut jeans!

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning. Morning. Hey Frank. Enjoyed your turn on website there.

Well you know, it's just, I mean it's an amazing thing when you think about it, a website. It is. Didn't have them. I wasn't expecting this morning to start with that revelation. Is this another of our late reviews? You know, you click on a thing, you get a whole new thing called. A whole new world. Yeah, yeah.

A whole new world. Oh, I'd love it if you and Kath performed that. Oh, we don't have the abdomens. She might have. It's been a while. I went and saw that West End music. I saw some of the best abdomens. Male and female alike.

Oh, this is Aladdin. You loved Aladdin. It was a six-pack fest. Apart from the genie, as always, I think. Little on the curvy side. One anticipates obesity. The genie loves their curves. You don't want a shredded genie, though, do you?

You don't want them all lean like they've been doing on insanity workouts. I don't know, they can be. If I was going to live in a small drinking vessel, I don't want to take up all that space. But why is it that we think of the genie as being fat when he's essentially a spirit creature? If you're going to live in a small vessel, find some different shoes.

Well, exactly. Come on, they're impractical, are they? I do like... I've always fancied a pair of curly-toed them. Oh, yeah. Do people still wear them in the real world, or has it become a... Well, Christmas is coming, so... Yeah? Well, of course the elves wear them.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, the elves love a curly shoe. Yeah. I tell you what, I wouldn't mind. Someone knows, you know those Japanese socks with the individual toe thing going on? Oh, yeah. Do you mean the actual individual toe

or just the big toe and then four? Don't you get socks that are like that? You're thinking of a foot mitten. Am I? Yeah. You could be there for it. I have mine on one long string my foot mittens

around my neck so I don't lose them. Good, just put a bit of loose change in one. I stayed, I'll tell you this, I stayed just this week or certainly since I one. I stayed, I'll tell you this, I stayed just this week, or certainly since I was last on, it was ten days ago,

if I'm going to be precise. I stayed at the Hotel of Wine. Oh, yes. Do you know Hotel de Vin? Yes, I do. Oh, is that what you call it? He's doing a sort of Matt LeBlanc, you know how we call Matt LeBlanc Matt the White? No, but he's called the Hotel of White.

Yeah, I get it now. You know what their slogan is? I wrote this down. Their slogan is money can't buy happiness unless you spend it on wine. Oh. That's tricky for you. Yeah, that is tricky for me.

With your eschewing of the demon tree. I think it can buy psychological desolation. What about that? Less catchy, as a slogan. Yeah, and also too deep. You don't want that written up on the bar that you're in, do you? No, I prefer a simple, you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps. Yeah.

I also wrote something else down this week. I'm actually looking at the notes on my phone. I saw an advert for Nescafe, the popular coffee. Interesting intonation. What? Nescafe. Yeah, you got it. Nescafe.

Nescafe, yeah. What did you say? Nescafe. I said Nescafe, but he says... That's the same. No, he says Nescafe. Yeah. Okay,fu but he says that's the same no he says Nescafu yeah is that

oh okay well anyway it's like coffee anyway it's like the ageism on this show so tell them so this is

this is something that was said on this advert unironically okay your first coffee is the most important thing

on earth oh I hate people that say things like that what the hell are you talking about well it's the people with the Garfield coasters

going mmm coffee yeah I need some coffee no you don't you need some strychnine oh it's

oh dear it's a drink people that say in interviews, Frank, what's the first thing you do in the morning? A vat of coffee? Yeah, exactly. Oh no.

I mean, please, if you're listening, even if you love coffee, stop saying that. Stop going on about coffee. And also, when I was a kid, people drank coffee, fine, especially if they'd been to, say, youth clubs. Yeah. It was still a bit... Youth Yeah. It was still a bit...

Youth clubs. It was still a slight novelty, coffee. It was still... If someone said... If you say to someone, do you want a cup or two? And they said, I wouldn't mind a coffee if you got it. You think, oh, a high tea? High tea.

But the... Now, I find the builders, my Polish builder said the other day, you've got latte? I mean, that's exactly... What's happened now is people like to think they know about coffee. Yeah. So people say, oh, they do a great cup of coffee. They just do a cup of coffee.

I had builders once that brought their own coffee. He said, I don't really want your coffee. I'm something of a coffee snob. And then he got out the Ness Cafe. And they listened to Six Music. That's the kind of builders that we're talking about there. And if you made him a cup of tea and asked him how he liked it.

Can you say builders? Oh yeah, that would have been a good point. Builders coffee, have you ever even heard of that? Never. Anyway, coffee, can I just tell our loyal readers that coffee's not a thing to know about. History,

literature, science even, if you like, but you don't know about coffee, just, it's what it is. Science gets a begrudging admission. It's like knowing about milk. Oh, you know a colour about milk. Sure are.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were just having a discussion. Get this. I was saying that Jimmy Carr gave me a throat coat. Would be a great tabloid headline.

Yeah. But a throat coat is a type of tea which is good for your throat because it coats it. Does it coat the vocal folds? I think probably it does. I think in this weather you need throat overcoat. Yes. Yeah.

But anyway, and we were talking about tea that isn't tea that's drinkable. But all fruit teas. It's a short list for you, isn't it? Yeah, it's basically

throat coat, now, just added, just in, new entry, and fennel tea. So fennel's still got everything to play for. Yeah. So fennel, the popular fennel's still got everything to play for. Yeah.

So fennel, the popular, well, it's not a popular vegetable. It's alternative, the alternative vegetable for thinking eaters. Still not. There'll be people listening and saying, fennel, what's there? Try it. It's actually all right. right, it's actually all right. And I said,

I'd like to work out the best fennel tea available. And I'd do that by holding a fennel tea shootout. Yes, you did say that. And the producer said, oh, you should have said that on air. That was fantastic. Don't keep that gold to yourself. Yeah, so there you are. I did say, and I don't often repeat the gold that happens during the music.

Well, it's not as broadcastable usually, is it? No, that's true, and a lot of it is vindictive in the extreme. Well, it'd be at least libelous, I think. Frank, I've got to say, I think we've been doing this show nigh on ten years. Sounded like an innkeeper then in a horror film. But I don't think the producer's ever said that before. No.

I'm just intrigued as to why Fenalty was the one she chose. First bit of praise. I'll tell you what I think it is. Sadly, the producer leaves us next week and I think one eye on the leaving present is that compliment and of course it's not that expensive

penalty so we're sorted absolutely sorted actually speaking of Daisy the producer she was also saying in that break I mean it was a great break it was a great break it was much better than

The Link. We put that out as a show, just like ten great breaks. But we don't record that, you see. I mean, there's trouble with this show. The car's pulling the horse. Anyway, she was saying that a builder

had said to her, I'd like an Earl Grey, please, when offered a drink. That's how much Britain has changed. Now, I'm not saying that's necessarily for the worse. It sounds like a certain finesse to me. Do they still have builders? Like a really strong Earl Grey tea?

Can you get really strong Earl Grey tea? I don't know. It'd take a while, wouldn't it? Well, I don't like... He'd say, you know, I'll have Earl Grey, please, and a bit of extra Bergamo. A bit of extra Bergamo.

Okay, you got it. What's the opposite of the builders? Clients, presumably. Yeah, clients too. Yeah, that's weak. The clients is weak. Very thin, but very expensive. And then the whole thing falls to pieces after, et cetera.

And then Emily was saying, I'm going to tell you the whole thing. I mean, let's just have a total recap. The people think Total Recap, that would have been a good the people think uh total recap that would have been a good the sequel to total recall yeah should have been called total recap yeah anyway um so then what did i say you were saying that people think they're so cool if they like if they say stuff about coffee which is true okay let's hear? I once worked at a place in Soho and a bloke took one of the women out to talk about some business thing at lunchtime and he went into a restaurant

and there was an Italian waitress. He was an English bloke. Yeah. He said to her, do you want a coffee? She said, I'll have a cappuccino. He said, me too. And he said, I'll have a cappuccino. He said, me too. And he said, scusey.

He said, do I cappuccino? He was finished at that company. She came back and told everybody. And people really turned against that guy. Honestly, his name was dirt at that company. He didn't last much longer. Because of that one piece of our dictation. God, people can be very strict.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So anyway, I was at the hotel of wine. Oh, yeah. If you remember, that's where I was staying. And they gave me, when I checked in,

they gave me my key and they said, you're in Kunarioka. I said, what? I said, what, I said, what? I'm in New Zealand. No, I said, well, how do you even spell that? And she says,

I'll write it down for you. And she started writing it down. She said, Paul, Paul, how do you spell Kunarioka? He went, oh, it's, hold on a minute. And he looked,

and I thought, I said, what? But, this is the trouble with Hotel Divan. No disrespect. They're lovely hotels, but they don't have numbers on the doors. They have the names of wine. Stupid system.

Big old key, it's on as well. I said, so how do I find it? And she said, if you turn right, it's the one after Klaus Mogador. I said, yeah, but that's not a chronological system, Klaus Mogador to Kunari Oka. That's random. It's not like if I'm looking for eight and I see five, I think, ah, keep going down.

I don't think, oh, there's Klaus Mogador. Surely Kunari Oka cannot be far away. It's a terrible system at the very least they could have them split between white and reds well what floor you're on minimum the sweets tend to be a bit more along the chateau nerf to pap yes they go up the wines in value i think there's a crystal somewhere i went to one once and there was only a sparkling value I think there's a Cristal somewhere. I went to one once and there was only a sparkling vial.

It was very busy. Have you ever stayed in the Babycham suite? I've stayed in a few hotel divans and I do like them, but I once said to someone, I've had this problem before because I don't even drink wine. I don't know the names of wine now. Isn't that rubbish? Also, point of order. It's like coffee coffee who cares about it

i don't like wine bores no anyway um and i like all sorts of bores but not wine bores anyway i once i think i was in bristol hotel divan and i said you should you know you want why don't you get numbers i've've had this conversation ten times in hotels of wine. Difficult customer, much? And this bloke said, well, we do have numbers for the cleaners. I said, well, you have numbers. He said, yeah, but we don't tell customers. I said, well, what number is mine?

He said, you're in 13. I said, well, there's a thing. I might not have wanted to be in... 13. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Luckily, I was in whatever it was. Blue non.

Anyway, I found my room in the end. It was a nice room. It's a bit of a naughty aftertaste. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had some builders getting in touch, Frank. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, all good. OK. This is from 410. I'm a builder. We work in St Albans. Mainly I drink decaf tea and get laughed at by my customers for it as I'm meant to be a big burly builder. Yeah.

That's from Dave and Paul sitting outside Simmons drinking decaf tea. I like they're sitting outside Simmons. Are they drinking it from styrofoam cups? Is it like a stakeout? Two cups. What is Simmons? Is that some sort of building supply? Sounds like a building

supply, doesn't it? It might be one of the rivals to some of the ones promoted on our station. Oh yeah, could be. Could it be? Do we promote building supplies? Not us particularly but we do. We do? Travis Perkins promote building supplies? Oh, yeah. Not us particularly, but... We don't. Travis Perkins. That sort of thing, yeah.

I always think he should have been a 50s rock star, shouldn't he? Oh, yeah. Travis Perkins. Oh, yeah. Is it two people, Travis Perkins? Or is it one bloke called Travis Perkins? I think it's that. I think it's one bloke called Travis Perkins.

I'd like to see a picture of Travis Perkins. Speaking of celebrities, I've had a letter from Boilerman. Have you? Yeah, the West Bromwich Albion... Oh, I know. He's a sponsor-based mascot. Have we been so obsessed? Yeah.

Who Boilerman is. And they've sent me a cuddly combi, so to speak. I couldn't believe it when you opened that. A little cuddly Boilerman. Have they? In fact, they've sent me what they call a Boilerman bundle. Oh, great. Which is like, you know, a T-shirt.

I've never been so jealous in my whole life, genuinely. Oh, surely you've been more jealous. No, that's the most jealous. I've never been so insulted all my life. So, yeah, he's got his own headed notepaper. No, I love him. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? Yes.

So, yeah, that's good. I wonder how much he charges, what his going rate for appearances is now, Boilerman. Do you think he's doing that on the same sort of circuit as the cheeky girls? Yeah, Outside of club work, you know. On the same sort of circuit as the Cheeky Girls. Yeah, sort of a white power ranger. That sort of level, I think. Yeah, I think laundry must be involved

because those tights, that's a personal appearance where there's a lot of drinks swimming about. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't want to stop at the Hotel of Wine in that outfit, you're right. That would be a very bad idea.

Oh, yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We had Odysseus we hear from now and again. He's back. Oh, yes.

It's OK. And he sent us a golden fleece that he... No, he didn't. He sent us... Poor old Penelope. We're getting Homeric references here. Now, Odysseus sent us a sort of pop art picture of the three of us together.

He's one of our regulars, Art and Hugh, by the way. That's his company. Yes. Oh, it's his company. Yeah, he makes interesting work. He's not called Art and Hugh. No, but that's his company. He does things like What Would Steed Do? Oh, okay. Which I rather like, with a picture of Steed. Is it John Steed? John Steed, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Google it, millennials. Yeah, well, it's still on, I think. Is it? And there's always that thing. You know those big moments when you're told things and everyone knows them and people tell you as if it's like a big thing you've never heard before.

The example we always give is that Gary Oldman is the brother of Big Mo from EastEnders, and that's why it's called A Big Moment. Yeah. Does this qualify, the fact that Emma Peel from The Avengers got her character name because it's M. Appeal,

short for Man Appeal? Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Oh, well, sorry. It's not qualified. If I was with a cult crowd, they would all say,'t know that. Oh, well, sorry. It's not qualified. If I was with a cult crowd, they would all say, everybody knows that.

Yeah. Everybody knows that. That's how many Doctor Who friends. Yeah, exactly. They'd all know it, for sure. Yeah. Man appeal. Whatever happened to man appeal?

That's gone, hasn't it? 8, 12, 15. Are you allowed to have man appeal now? Emily? Well, I mean, I don't know if I'm allowed, but I've got it. I know, but is it... What can I do? Is it a thing that one shouldn't aspire to anymore?

Oh, it's fine. That's the great thing about getting old, darling. You can do what you want. I think with the gender fluidity, you want sort of people appeal, don't you? Oh, I see. Right. Non-gender specific appeal, maybe.

Then she'd have been... The producer looks like she might cry if you keep this level of thinking going. Pippa Peel, she'd have had to have been called then. Pippa Peel. The producer's thinking, oh, why can't he get back to those nice coffee stories? Yeah.

Well, she'll miss this when she's gone. That knot in the stomach. Where is this going? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Trevor Barton has been in touch. Trev. To say once you'd found and checked into your room at Hotel Duval,

I bet it was full-bodied. OK. Nice. Like that? Well, it wasn it was full-bodied. OK. Nice. Like that? Well, it wasn't. It was just me. OK. Those days are gone. Trevor.

I did my Friday night troll of looking through the emails that I received yesterday. I forgot all of that existed. Hi, Frank, DME and Alan. First-time emailer, long-time reader. I've waited almost an entire year for this and was so excited to email. Last year you were talking about alternative

toppings for Christmas trees. I couldn't email at the time as I was listening to the podcast post-show and it would just be odd. But I have on the top of my tree, I've waited a year, I have on the top of my tree a large picture of the Manchester City forward Gabriel Jesus.

Oh, I see where they're coming from. They've kept it religious. I feel this justifies the way. I wish I could attach the pic. Yours sincerely, lots of love. Praise redacted. Tommy, 42 years old. P.S. I don't support Man City.

I'm a Hartlepool fan. I bet he's got some monkeys hanging on the tree for the people who got that congratulations yeah that's a good alternative are you going to explain it or are you just going to let them let them google it let them google it

also I think people from Hartlepool don't like it, do they? Yeah, I think they have mixed feelings about that. The story, look, I'll tell you very quickly. I'm sorry. I don't like to encourage Googling. Keep your screen time down, that's my advice. Oh, yeah. I'm just going to write that down.

The phone now has started telling me my screen time. Have you heard that? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, it tells you how long you've been on it. I thought that's a mistake, isn't it? It's a terrible idea. It's made me use it less. Yeah.

It's sort of an advertisement for using things less. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so apparently this is the story, and I might not have this exactly right, but there was a travelling menagerie of some kind, whenever it would be, maybe even medieval, I don't know when. I'm not claiming I do. A monkey escaped.

I think it was a chimpanzee. And it got into Hartlepool and the residents of Hartlepool, when they heard it chattering, believed it to be French and a French spy, and so they hanged it now I believe it's a true story but I mean you know you never know so is that the end to the story well most hangings

that tends to be it I thought they might be oh but it was all woke up and it was all a dream or a joke no it ended with a hanging the idea of a chimpanzee after it's died just hanging there limply. It's awful, isn't it? How are you going to get out of this?

It's really awful. I wonder if it's... Would you say... Here's the question. 8, 12, 15. Where have you taken us? 8, 12, 15. If you hang the chimpanzee...

Oh, no. Which would hang lower? Its hands or its feet? Look forward to hearing from you. Yeah, me too. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner. Is that what it's saying normally? The Frank Skinner show? No, this is Frank Skinner. Oh that what it's saying normally? The Frank Skinner show? This is Frank Skinner. Oh, yeah, with Emily Dean, thanks, and Alan Cochran. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Just felt wrong. I think you so fully inhabited that little character moment of Bono. Yeah. Bono? That was supposed to be The Edge. Oh, was it The Edge?

That was The Edge. I was worn out. A bit racist. Bono is more... Bono is more... Oh, what happened to that there? Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? Oh, isn't it?

Totally different. Roy Walker. Totally different. Just seeing what you see. We've had... You were asking a question regarding chimps earlier, I believe, on the show. Is that correct?

Yes. Can you still call them chimps? Oh, you're not allowed? I think it's all right. The PG Tips monkeys had a go at speaking French, so 7-4-0. Oh, yes. Did they?

Ave vu copper was one of their... Well, they didn't have much of a go then. One of them had a black striped jumper on and I think they had a sort of a prop Eiffel Tower in the background. Did they have a beret? Ave Vu Copper. They went the whole hog. It was the sort of Tony Hancock idea of being French.

Exactly, yeah. And what was that movie, Frank? There's that one in Hospital Passview there. When he plays the artist. Is it called The Artist? The something, anyway. You've just reminded me of a thing that happened to me recently that I think my phone thinks I'm more down-to-earth

and less educated than I might be. I tried to send a message using the phrase mea culpa. Oh, yeah, you know, which I think is Latin, and it autocorrected to Mia Coppa. So the funds obviously thought, he's obviously talking about tea, he's not doing Latin. We have been talking about tea,

I think that might have affected it, because you know that they all listen in, they listen in to our conversations and then send adverts accordingly, that's what they all listen in. They listen in to our conversations and then send adverts accordingly. That's what they're... Yeah. Yeah.

I've just had an alert. That's what Sarah told me, our assistant producer. Yeah. She's probably listening now. She told me strictest confidence. But, yeah. So, apparently, like, if I'm talking now... Where's my phone? Let me see.

It's over there. Well, let's see. Oh, yeah. So, I'm talking now where's my phone let me see well let's see oh yeah so I'm talking now and I'll say to you for how are we I don't know where this is going to go my armpits

are in a terrible state then I I look at who news to see what what's you know if there's any

early reviews for tomorrow's show and there's an advert for Brut 33 or some other some other such eau de cologne Brut 33? Do they still sell that either?

I think they sell it in like those massive bargain stores you know that kind of thing where the plastic's a bit smeary you know what I mean of thing. Where the plastic's a bit smeary. You know what I mean. I know what you mean, darling. But Ritz 30 was a motif.

Yes, it was, and we understand. I'm not judging you. I'm still a fan of Old Spice. But the point is, yes, they can hear us, Frank. Well, that's what the theory is, that they hear us, and that's how they do the ad for us. I think it's brilliant. I do.

Yeah, you love it. I love the fact that I can put my phone on and there'll be like a TARDIS-shaped prophylactic available, which I probably would never have found out about. Oh, my days.

You'd be a bit nervous if mid-act you heard grrrr, gr you heard... Gone. Gone, gone and never called me mother. Am I having a breakdown? 8.12.15. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Just thinking, if they had have hanged a monkey in Hartlepool

and it was hanging there, you know they've got very red bottoms. Yeah. I just wanted to imagine a big line of traffic in Hartlepool and people thinking it was a red traffic light. I said, start this one, it must be one of those temporary traffic lights. Okay, okay everyone. People flash their lights at those temporary traffic light. I said start this one. It must be one of those temporary traffic lights. OK. OK, everyone. People flash their lights at those temporary traffic lights, don't they?

There's like a... Do they? There's an urban myth, I think. I think it's an urban myth. Is that right? If you flash your lights at temporary traffic lights, it thinks that it's a siren and goes to green. Oh, I'm going to try that.

I mean, I think this is an urban myth. Someone will tell us. That's worth knowing. You know how most radio stations do, like, travel bulletins? I'm going to try that. I think this is an urban myth, but someone will tell us. That's worth knowing. You know how most radio stations do travel bulletins? We do travel chaos. Travel urban myths. Travel cheating.

Dangerous travel cheating. We should have a young woman that comes in and we can say, it's over to Karen with dangerous travel cheating. Thanks a lot, Frank. If you flash, turns out, if you flash, that'd be great.

And if you want to avoid speed cameras, I've got a great tip for you. They could do that every week. Oh, yeah. I used to say, put hairspray on your licence plate. He's genuinely giving them to us. That's what people said. I don't know if it works.

Does that work as well? People claimed that it made the licence plate reflect back off, so the picture didn't show. But I think it's nonsense. I think it's one of those things. But worth a try. But I got a genuinely good tip off my neighbour the other day.

I got out my car and I'd been driving back with the back windows open a little bit. I'd had the back windows open. I don't know if you've ever had this. I got out, I closed the door of the car, locked it, and then realised one back window is halfway down. Have you ever closed the door with the window open? Horrible, thin, kind of a click to it, because it doesn't have the full silhouette.

Oh, yes, I know that. Horrible. This wasn't the front window. That's annoying. I looked at it and I thought, oh, God, I'm going to have to get right back in there, put the key in, and then press... And my neighbour was walking...

It's not that hard work. Well, it is annoying, though, because I'm irritable. No, it is annoying. OK. My neighbour was walking past at that moment, and he went, oh, if your car was a Mercedes, all you'd have to do is press the middle button, and it goes up.

And I went, oh, God. And then I looked at my car key and I thought, well, my car's German. I'll give it a go. Did it. It only worked. Is that right? Just press the middle button and it went right up. And he saved me probably 30 seconds and at least three years worth of residual anger, I think. Wow. My car is a Mercedes and I've never known what that middle button was for. It's for locking the car, isn't it? Oh, OK. I've often wondered what that middle button was for. You've just got a driver, haven't you?

You don't bother. Yeah. What if someone had been having a wee in that window, and the window had suddenly gone up impromptu? Yes, it would have served them right for using my car as a toilet. It would have been like the French Revolution in reverse. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 432 has texted us, Frank, whatever happened to TV Repairman? Yeah, that used to be a bloke who'd come round the house and mend your telly, wouldn't he? That's what Mick said. They used to come round your house and take your old box three channel TV

apart. Yeah, it's true. From Granada, I think. I don't know what it... Or Radio Rentals. Yeah, Radio Rentals. Three channels. But, um, I'll tell you something else. Whatever happened to The vertical hold? Vertical hold?

That used to be a thing. The most common fault on those tellies was the picture would start rolling really quickly. It was a very unsettling visual image. And they used to come and they'd say, it's your vertical hold. Or whatever that was. And then they'd go, and suddenly the picture would

stop. Sometimes it would stop halfway and they'd have to steadily adjust it till it fitted. Does that mean something different in the grappling community? Vertical hold, yeah, it's deadly. You've got to be really careful of a vertical hold. I don't remember vertical holds being

a problem, but I do remember the phrase, the tube's gone. Oh, yeah. People used to say the tube's gone. I don't even know if tellies have got a tube anymore. I think it's finished then if the tube goes. Yeah. You would have been good at that, Frank, that job. My mum used to say...

Fixing tellies. I could tell people... I bet they said to women in bars, I work in television. That's black. You know, my mum said to me that she often fantasised about when the kettle was boiling of just

taking the boiling kettle and pouring it down the grid on the back of the television. I wonder why that was then. People had smaller dreams. Now they all want to be celebrities and stuff. Then they were happy to just pour up boiling water down the back of a people had smaller dreams did she hate the television now they all want to be celebrities

then they were happy to just pour up boiling water down the back of a television did she hate the television and it's effect on society well it's a good question why did she I think it was just a rebellious and wildness that was maybe missing in our mundane working class life

speaking of the working class I'd like to bring up the Duchess mundane working class life. Okay. Speaking of the working classes, I'd like to bring up the Duchess. It's all right, we're nice, yeah. Duchess of whatever she is. Cambridge. Duchess of Cambridge. The Duchess.

You know, she took her daughter, little Charlotte. Oh, not the Duchess. It's the Duchess on the chase as well. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. No, different Duchess. Yeah. The other one.

She popped into a South London boozer. Oh, yeah. As it says in the tabloids. Does it spell it S-A-R-S? I hope so. And she took her daughter for a toilet break.

She just went into a pub. When you say her daughter, fourth in line to the throne. Fourth in line to the throne. Fourth in line to the throne fourth in line thank you very much thank you to announce my retirement brilliant i wish you'd said it a bit later i'd have gone straight into music because how are we going to follow that i know yes yeah that's uh it's an interesting thing to do.

It said, first of all, a female plainclothes detective went into the pub. And I thought, would you be talking about their clothes if it was a bloke? Yeah. I thought. Good point. Anyway, and... It's called the Phoenix in Stockwell, we should say. Yeah.

The South London boozer. Yes. Yes. And the plainclothes police woman went into the toilet ahead just to check out... Well, I don't know. You tell me. To flush.

Almost certainly to flush. Flush out any problems. Get a wet wipe out. Wipe the sea, yeah, I should think. I would guess probably had a sharpie and did a bit of graffiti censorship. Yeah. I bet you. I'm not kidding.

I bet they would... Maybe put up some pro-royal graffiti. I don't think... Yeah, exactly. We love the royal family. I bet you she went in and did that. I did a bit of occasional work at the Birmingham Hippodrome. Uh-huh.

Which occasionally the Queen attended there for, I don't know, you know, stuff like ballet, stuff, you know. All right. It's like a contemptuous boy. Well, the sort of stuff the Queen goes to. And there was a royal box there and an adjoining toilet. And on the night, a man would arrive. I think it was always a man

and he'd have a like a carrier bag thing with a toilet seat in it and just before the performance they'd go in and take off the normal toilet seat and put in

the Queen's toilet seat Is that right? And then at the end of it after she'd gone he would take that seat so that no one could say, oh, I've been on the same toilet seat as the Queen. Oh, that's slightly annoying because I've used the Queen's toilet at the Royal Albert

Hall and I thought I'd use the same toilet seat as the Queen. No. Oh, well, not to worry. Well, I used the Duke of Edinburgh's time of sleep yeah at the Bright Albor when I did that thing

and I'm seven months pregnant make of that what you will I used to live next to a bloke next door to a bloke called Ernie, and he used to go around on a Saturday and Sunday morning

to all the local public toilets very early in the morning, because his theory was that people who were drunk Friday and Saturday night would go to those toilets, and when they took their trousers down, the change would come out of their pockets and they wouldn't hear it because they were so drunk. He always said, you know, I made about 12 shillings this week. Lovely, dignified way to earn a living.

Opportunity. What does your dad do? Scrabbles around on toilet floors to drop people's change. Only on a Saturday and Sunday morning. It was a weekend. It wasn't worth it in the week. There's not enough money sloshing around midweek.

I wanted to talk to you about can I ask your advice on something? I am when I when I go to talk to you about, can I ask your advice on something? I, when I, how can I put this, when I go to the toilet, I've taken, you know some people read on the toilet. We're talking on there rather than in. Yeah. People read and I write sometimes on the toilet. Do you? Yeah. Do you find that's on the toilet do you?

yeah what do you want with a pencil and a notepad? yeah I don't want a laptop do you cross your legs? do I cross my legs? whilst you're writing? who do you think I am Mr Whippy? I've just seen that before

have you really? I've seen men do that on the toilet? And they need to close the door for a start. Yeah, exactly, and let you out first. Anyway, I have taken to... I've started having a cup of tea. No!

On the toilet? Yeah. Okay, is that normal? It's not normal or nice. Wow. It's a bit grim. I do love a cup of tea. You like it. So hang on, does the tea get brought to you by your mother-in-law or something?

No, no, no. No, no, I take my... The tea in? I take the tea in and put it on the sink in front and just drink, you know, have a nice cup of tea. Takes his own brew. How long are you in there for? Well, you know, it depends, obviously, but I like to get through the tea. Wow.

It's a mad race between the act and the tea to see what finishes first. How do you feel about the act, Alan? I feel there's a hygiene issue that needs to be addressed here. What's the hygiene? Well, you're taking a cup of tea into the least clean room of the house, if you catch my drift?

I believe that they say don't they, it's the flushing that causes the problems. They say you should cover your toothbrush before you flush. And they reckon put the lid down, don't they? Put the lid down, they say. Well I could put, I mean I could have my tea in a stein

I suppose. Oh you mean the toilet lid? Yes. Yes, yes. Actually, that would be a great idea for a novelty toilet, an enormous stein. Oh, yeah. So I don't think... So the mass dispersal is caused by the flushing,

so I think drinking tea during... I mean, I'd love to know if it's a commonplace. Think habits. People do it. Well, what else? What is, you know, why is it reading okay, but drinking tea not okay? Yeah, I mean, arguably some people have problems with both,

but we don't want to be guided by those health and safety nuts, do we? What about a chicken dinner? Too much. Too much, you think? Yeah, I'd? What about a chicken dinner? Too much. Too much, you think? Yeah, I'd be worried about the place, Matt. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We've been discussing bathroom breaks and in reference to the Duchess of Cambridge taking the Princess Charlotte. Can I ask you a question? You're a parent. All right, yeah, yeah. I know your kids have got a bit old now, but she's three, is she, Princess? I believe so, yeah.

Would you have bothered if your three-year-old wanted a wee to take them into a pub rather than just in the gutter? I might have if I was constantly being paparazzi'd, I think. Well, that's true. Even Boz, if Boz says to me, now I need a wee, all that thing of going into a place

and how sniffy they are if you're not buying a drink yeah yeah i just say just go by that car then they're going to drain why not dogs do it people are fine with that well you say that people aren't fine with it turns out when you do it on their front garden no but if you would never hear anyone say, oh, don't let your dog wee on the pavement. And I think a lot of the rules that we apply to animals should apply to my children, so it's very similar. I just said, why should dogs get away with it if kids...

I think he's absolutely fine. He's six and a half now. And the foxes. I'm really happy with him weaning the thing. Yeah. Also, I mean, I'm not anti-dogs, don't get me wrong. He is anti-dogs. I'm not.

We'll be glad of him come the post-no-deal Brexit famine. You go near my Raymond. Yeah, yeah. Well, he's not. Get the slow cooker out for the whipping. I wouldn't want to get your dog to get stuck in my Raymond. Yeah, yeah. Well, he's not. Get the slow cooker out for the whipping. I wouldn't want to get your dog to get stuck in my teeth. Oh. Wow. I tell you, we could end up eating dogs if there's a no deal.

That's all I'm saying. Okay. But that's what I've read in the New States. I'll tell you what I feel sorry for is the headline writers for the tabloids when the royal family stopped for a wee in Stockwell like it's a mile from Waterloo that would have been so good for them

oh it's so close because it was Waterloo the thing is though but a forcing line for the throne I don't think they'd have beat that one probably not you really have to what about Royal Flush

oh yeah lovely they went for the Royal Wee as lovely they went for the Royal We as well they went for the Royal We the thing about the pubs now though what about

Kate Piddleton is that alright that is good where's the manual that's very good I like it it's not even in they don't even mention

it in the manual it's just an archaic archaic Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio OK, Tom. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 228 has texted in,

sometimes while on the toilet I use wet wipes at the end. The other day my girlfriend walked past and heard rustling of the packet and assumed I was eating crisps while sat on the toilet. Would that have been a bad thing? I don't think so yeah I think so just moving slightly away

from toilet talk I don't know how I started it but I'm swooning a bit alright one thing

in the daily mail they had a list of royals in toilet type stories oh yeah obviously a list of royals in toilet-type stories. Oh, yeah. Obviously, a lot of them have been suppressed.

But the one that got through... The best ones. Yeah. Prince Charles, when he was 14, he... I don't know, it's impossible to imagine that he was ever 14. I know! Possible. He always had the same hair, though.

Respect. Same suit. And he went to... He escaped from his security. Oh, yeah. And he went to a pub in Scotland and ordered a cherry brandy. Cherry brandy.

And lived. Imagine going to a pub in Scotland. Could I have a cherry brandy. And live. Imagine going to a pub in Scotland. Could I have a cherry bread? Oh! Oh! Caught to him tarred and feathered in the town square. A lot of people shouting about Culloden.

I'll tell you what I thought was weird about it. It's that the policewoman sat at the bar while the royals went into the toilet and said to the locals, apparently warned the locals, no pictures. Right. Oh, did she? Can you do that? I suppose it depends on how dangerous-seeming you are.

Well, I just mean that the term public house... Yes. ..suggests, and it's your camera, it's not illegal, is it, to take a picture of the princess and her daughter passing through the... Sorry to be boring, but I believe it is. It's illegal. On private premises, yes.

Oh. Public house? Oh. Yes, good point. Privately owned, though. I believe it is. I just think they could have said, no, we are going to take a photograph of her.

We should really put this to our legal team, shouldn't we? Where is our legal team this week? I think they might be in the basement. Hold on, I'll... Are you... Oi! Are you guys down there?

Yeah, never mind that. We've got a legal... Where's that trap? I mean, drunk. Completely drunk. That's the legal profession for you. And then there's going to be a two-week recess, and then I have to turn up and just give my name and address,

and then there's another week. Sanity. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean

and Alan Cochran you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio email the show via the Absolute Radio website Michael

oh sorry Alan go on no please oh I like it when we do that do you yeah it's nice it's supposed to go

Wordsworth Longfellow I think are you I think so oh that's when he taught English he's clever no no I think. Are you? I think so. That's when he taught English. I think it's from a Laurel and Hardy film. Michael

Coffey has been in touch, Frank. No way. All our coffee chat this morning. Thank God. I needed that coffee. Oh, I need a vat of coffee before I can... He's the only coffee... If it's his real name, he's the only person with the surname Coffee I've heard of.

Is it spelled double E? Well, I'll tell you, yes, it is, but then his Twitter handle is interesting because it's Michael T Coffee. T Coffee. Well, interesting, interesting. No, it's just that the sheriff in Bonanza was called Roy Coffee. Oh.

And all the other Coffees, like the famous English comedy actress Denise Coffey, spelt it with an E-Y. Correct. Don't know any other ones. Really? Anyway, Michael T. Coffey. Yeah. I'd love it if he'd have constructed that handle just for us this morning.

He says, hi gang, it's a bit afternoon radio, but did you know that E.T. in the film E.T. actually has a name? It's Zrek. Who knew? Love to you all. Michael. Zrek. No, I never knew. Where has he got that information from? You sound immediately suspicious. Yeah.

Well, I've seen the film a few times. I don't remember him being referred to. Perhaps it's not referred to. Perhaps this is one of those facts and, you know, it didn't end up in the final film. Well, if it's not in the final film, it's not canon. OK, ball. It's Zrek, anyway.

Zrek? Yeah, Z-R-E-K. Maybe it is in the... You know when he calls his home thingy? Oh, I can't bear it. It makes me cry so much. Does it? Spoiler alert for anyone that hasn't seen it.

You've heard of it. Terrible physique, E.T. E.T.? Yeah. It's like mine, that narrow little shoulders and chest and a quite pot belly. What's unfair about E.T.'s physique? I mean, he is quite an elderly gentleman, Frank.

He's got the legs, but the stomach lets him down. No, but he's quite scrawny up top as well. He needs some upper body work. Yeah. He's got a six-pack, hasn't he? An eight-pack. Has he? Well, he's let it go, though. Oh, I don't know. I'll have to Google him again.

Terrible shoulders as well. Oh, yeah. He'd be no good with a parrot. No. We've got several different conversational... Too close to the ear. Sorry.

We've got several different conversational plates spinning and 104 has texted an answer to two. Temporary traffic lights are motion sensors, not light. Oh, OK.

Because, you know, I said that some people flash them to try and get them to turn green. And TVs were rented, hence the repairman. Yes. Yeah, we know. Of course. That doesn't mean to sound quite so aggressive. Sorry.

Do people not rent anymore, then? I don't think so. They don't rent anything. Well, also, people don't buy goods for life anymore, Frank. No. So, with the tumble dryer, for example, what? They do at my age. Got enough pencils, haven't you?

Forever. Got enough shoes I've worked out now. I mean, I'm ticking them off. Soon, the pleasure of shopping will be gone altogether. Newspaper, I suppose. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. 639 has texted,

I will guess hands, Graham, and I think that may be your unusual texting. If you hang a chimpanzee, what hangs lower? Yeah. Hands or feet. Oh, that's interesting that it's hands. So it's not a zero take up I felt compelled to tell you

I'm glad someone answered that you'd think somebody would have seen a chimpanzee hanging maybe well from a tyre maybe yeah but then they're sitting on a tyre so their feet would be raised

they need to be completely relaxed. Very flat-footed. Someone's texted me a little joke joke. Oh, yeah? Go on. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. On the subject of predictive text, I said that my phone corrected me a culper to me a cuppa.

And on the subject of predictive text and bringing primates into the conversation, the man who invented predictive text has died, his fun fair is next monkey see what he's done there very fine, thanks Trev very fine

they should put that on a little blue plaque which they should have for him with all the incorrect words, I like that I like it Frank, we've had a text in about tax evasion. Oh yeah? More tips? We've already

had tips for traffic offended. This is from Bradley in Northampton. Okay. He's gone to his head since he's been on Doctor Who. He says, to Frank, Alan and Emily, let's try and not give free advertising to tax evaders. I mean, I should say I'm imposing tone on this,

but instead of saying Google it... Oh, I thought it was... I said Jimmy Carr gave me a throat coat. Do you remember that? Earlier in the show. Yes, I did. We should say he has paid that money back, OK? Yeah, fair play.

Fair play is great. I'm sure he paid for his throat coat as well and very kindly gave them to me. Instead of saying Google it, I'm suggesting to friends that we use the term internet search. Long-term reader, praise withheld. And I think just for the legal team, we should probably say that avoidance is legal

and evasion is illegal. So you should probably put tax avoiders into your... Yes, very good point. Yeah, but, you know, what's more important, legal or moral? Well... Text in 812 for the game. I think if you're in court, legal. Yeah, probably. Well, definitely.

But then you've only got to go in to give your name and address, then you get a week off. I mean, it's the best hours. I'll go in the legal profession, those are the hours. Going, name, address. Anyway, what do we say? Week Thursday? Amazing.

Absolutely amazing. What a job. What job specifically Are you referring to? The judges It's just a legal thing Judges houses It's

Incredible Like you know Somebody commits a crime And then like Two years later Oh that The case is coming up For that thing

What have they been doing? How can it possibly Take that long? Well it's because They go in And say Yeah we'll have And we'll read this file Okay Okay How can it possibly take that long? Well, it's because they go in and say, yeah, we'll read this file. Okay, okay, let's meet again in two weeks

and we'll have another little read of it. Another little read of it? Absolute nonsense. So, actually... It's like a child with a gruffalo. We'll have another little read of it, shall we? George Common QC having a little read. So, shall we try banning the term Google it and see how it goes?

Yeah, good luck. Okay. It's tricky, isn't it? Yeah. How will we find out how it goes? One of our catchphrases. Oh, yeah, we'll find out. That's a very good point.

We could... What are the alternatives? We could ask Jeeves. We had a cosier for a while, didn't we? Shall we ask Jeeves? I don't think anybody asked Jeeves anything. Yeah, let me just go back to 1997. We'll probably find Bertie Worcester's paying him cash in hand.

We can't use him either. Jeeves is sat in a room playing solitaire these days, isn't he? He's so bored. Oh, no one asked Jeeves. People have started saying, you ought to ask him. Toffee, the host. Well, the thing is,

when you ask Jeeves, you actually used to type in a question. It's really weird. I loved asking. Yeah, Jeeves had more of a... Yahoo, people used to do. Oh, yeah. It's all a bit posh, isn't it?

Ask Jeeves. Oh, Yahoo. Yeah. See, that's why we've gone for the G word. Maybe they were keeping it real. Well, we'll have a think. We can just say

search engine. Yeah. About that. Alright. It's not as good, though, is it? No. Search engine,

it. Search engine might fill up the technical term for Guinevere on the lottery show. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Frank, can I talk about this extreme grandpa? Oh yes, talk about him. What is he, 90?

Obsessed. Is he 90 or 91? He's just turned 91. He's called, is he called John Carter? John Carter turned 91 he's called is he called John Carter John Carter yeah

Unstoppable I loved that film everyone hated that film I really liked it do you remember it don't remember it John Carter was it was

you're really into it no you're right it was a Disney thing yeah it was based on the Edgar Rice Boris yeah

Edgar Wright the thing about John Carter is it's just not a good name for a Disney film Yeah, it was based on the Edgar Rice Borers. Yeah. Edgar Wright. The thing about John Carter is it's just not a good name for a Disney film. Right. I can't imagine the children going, oh, I love John Carter. The books, I think, are called things like John Carter, Man of Mars and stuff like that, which gives you a bit more inkling of what's going on. I remember you liking it and other people not liking it. No, people hated it.

In fact, I think it's one of the biggest money-losing films of all time. Right. But I always think if a lot of people like something, it's probably rubbish. Right. Okay. What about Three Lions? I love that song.

What about Three Lions? Obviously there's exceptions to every rule there you go don't take me on he gets up at 5am

every day John Carter well everyone who's 91 does that yeah exactly hang on a sec

hang on a minute they've already got up about four times before that yeah but what I like about him he's not one of

those go to bed at 8.30 he's in the gym at 8.30, he's not one of those go-to-bed-at-8.30s. He's in the gym at 8.30pm. He's not, oh, you know when you call people's houses and it's like 20 past eight? Oh, I was in bed. How old are you? Weird. That's our house.

I don't like that, Frank. Sleep when you're dead. He does backflips off the diving board. He runs. I mean, he does a backflip. I watched the video. Did you watch the video? Yes. He does a backflip but he does one of those where you don't go

in fingers first. You just land literally on your back flat on the water like that. At 91, now your bones, age 91, is like an arrow. Yeah. Is that right? An old bloke like that landing in the water.

He could, it'd be like dropping a soluble aspirin into water. He could just completely dissolve. Imagine him like at the bottom of the pool, really bobbling. You know that incredible frenzy. Barocca. I have to say, I get so excited if I have any soluble. I always have, I have this fantasy, I get so excited if I have any soluble. I always have this fantasy in my head,

and I always go through this, that they were like in their little envelopes, the solubles, going, oh, another lovely, relaxed day. Oh, what's this? Oh, it looks like we're going for a swim! I always imagine that. But at mid-91, landing flat, and he showed you his bat was all red where he'd landed on the water so apparently he lost his false teeth a couple of times

the lifeguard found it in the pool yeah it's a shame but he said um he's great his greatest moment was he was doing his diving off the board stuff and he heard a child say, I think he's a lifeguard disguised as an old man. Yeah. Oh. I wish they did that. They're like store detectives. So they just do what they call a suit on or something like that.

Prosthetics. So if you fall in, you can't swim. You actually think you're going to drown. Just let them go through that panic and then suddenly Velcro, sound of Velcro, suits coming off and in they go. Yeah, yeah. They have to be so up front. It's like the speed cameras.

Yeah. Why not be hidden? Well, they were hidden, weren't they, at first? Were they? And in there, yeah. He used to swim with polar bears, John Carter. Did he? Yeah.

Did he? He's in Canada. They do that sort of stuff a lot over there. There's no polar bears in Canada. He used to swim with polar bears. Did he? No. Have you ever seen that?

What's the name of that? Get it up on an internet search of some sort. Sky Drama. Fortitude. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen that? What's the name of that? Get it up on an internet search of some sort. What's that sky drama? Fortitude. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen that? I've seen it. First five minutes, the bloke's ripped to pieces by a polar bear.

Yeah. Okay. Witnessed by, I think, Michael Gambon. That's right. Yeah. He can't have been much help. No. Wonderful actor, but he's not going to have any help with a polar bear.

What are you going to do? You don't see him coming, do you, in the snow? There's no Tom Cruise. The whole line, no. He would help. If a polar bear was about to set about me, I think Tom Cruise would be a good person. I think he'd help you.

But he wouldn't give you an anaesthetic. That's a fact. Tom Cruise. All right. Frank. Frank Skinner. On right. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we're talking about this extreme grandpa. Yeah. Who's 91 now. I didn't, I saw, I got so obsessed with it, I watched a behind the scenes of it. And it's actually filmed by his grandson. Grandson by marriage is the question.

Ah, right. I didn't take to the grandson. I didn't either, Frank. I loathed him, in fact. I was being nice but I hated him as well. I hated him. Well, I had a bit of a problem with John Carter. Did you? Well, at the start, I had a bit of a problem with John Carter.

Did you? Well, at the start, there's a bit of a voiceover where he's talking about how active he is. He drives his car. He drives into a disabled bit, gets out with his sticks and then throws them away and starts running. And I thought, benefit cheat. Yeah.

Well, he is... He is... He's allowed. he's a loud he's a braggart well he said it once he's constantly going on about you know but I think he's been led

into that by them well the grandson has led him into it because oh really well we'll talk about that if you're 91 you can park in a disabled bay surely

well I think he is a bit of a gift because he said of his grandson he said he sure did love coming up here to find a subject like me. It was pretty priceless for him. Yeah, but he's 91. He doesn't know what he's saying. Frank, you say that, but the grandson, what I didn't like was when the grandson said to him, he doesn't even know Instagram.

What did he say to him? He's 90. He said, so what are you, you on Twitter? And he goes, oh, what? And he goes, oh, you on Twitter? And he goes, oh, what? And he goes, oh, you on Instagram? And he goes, Instagram? And then at the end, he said, so what are you going to say at the end of this film?

And he said, well, we've had a really lovely time making this film. We've made some nice Instagrams. He's trying to join in. And he goes, you don't even know what Instagram is. This is like senior baiting. Why has this bloke made the film if he's so vile? I know. Also, he knows more than you, you thick head.

Exactly. You've made a stupid film. A stupid baseball cap. Yeah, exactly, like your Spielberg. And you come on and insult the goose that's laid the golden egg. He's probably laid a few in the bottom of that pool. Anyway, so if you look into John Carter

and his fabulous old man stroke, young man lifestyle, when at the end because he's not in until the end the the evil the fish head

comes off yeah the step evil step don't even listen to him he's oh at Christmas as well

what a way to treat you know it's like the old days when we used to there used to be ten pints of milk outside the house no one knocked

on the door really it's upset me that thing at the end he doesn't even know what it's like There used to be ten pints of milk outside the house. No one knocked on the door. Really? It's upset me, that thing, at the end. He doesn't even know what Instagram is. Oh, so what? That's a good test of intelligence, mate. Instagramps. That's what I should get on to.

There you go. I wonder if he'd have said that where I know what Instagram is to where don't you come

round here again I'll use those sticks on your dumb head that would have been

a good ending speaking of good endings how are we going to get out this link

any thoughts Sam no thoughts somebody How are we going to get out this link? I don't know. Yeah, so I like John. Any thoughts, Sam? I like John. No thoughts. Oh, somebody's texted telling us there is no Travis Perkins. I know this because I met Mr Perkins once and he told me he was the Perkins half of the firm. Oh, Dave Lee Travis, you're the one I'll be.

Travis Perkins? Yeah. Is that okay? Why, is he all right? That's good info. Is he all right? That's good info. Is he all right? Oh, where's Jeeves? Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. While we're on the subject of the older man, I would like to talk about some other big news that's just come out this week. Ah, yes. It's big fashion news. I mean, it's not going to be a surprise to either of you, because you'll already be familiar with the resort wear collection of Balenciaga for 2019.

Right across it. Is that autumn winter? No, nearly, darling. What is it then? Resort wear. Resort wear. So you have spring, summer. You have autumn winter? No, nearly, darling. What is it then? A resort wear. Resort wear. So you have spring, summer. You have autumn winter.

Last resort wear, more like it. I've never even heard of him before. Resort wear is a bit like... What's he called? Balenciaga. It's not a he, it's the label. Yeah, but is it not named after a person? Yeah, there would have been an original Balenciaga.

I think it's French. I think it's a mate of Travis Perkins. Well, on that subject, 782 has texted, it used to be two separate companies some 30 years ago, Travis Arnold and Sandal Perkins. There we go. What's Arnold Sandal? Keeping you updated on 30-year-old business news.

Well, Sandal Arnold. Sandal Arnold sounds like Yodley. Sandal Arnold. So the boot cart, Gene, it's back for me. Okay. No, it's your technical. I know you no longer work in the fashion industry, but you still keep...

I have a relationship with it in the sense that you have a relationship with football. It's not my main source of income now, but it still keep... I have a relationship with it in the sense that you have a relationship with football. It's not my main source of income now, but it's there. Okay. What is the difference between a boot cock gene and a flare? Great question. Thanks. Great man. If you're fine with

the flare, Frank, the flare begins, I would say, above the knee. Do you see? It widens higher up. I see. The boot cock, I would say, is quite do you see it widens higher up the boot cut i would say it's quite a right angle affair you get down to the leg suddenly what's going on yeah yeah do you see so i would say if you want to think of a boot cut think of the male ice skater trouser yes okay oh yes my problem with the boot cut is that I think it issues, it sort of leaves out too many varieties of the boot.

Like, you know, I can't get my boot cut jeans over my waders. Oh, yeah. Or my galoshes. What is the idea of the boot cut, that you can take them off without taking your boots off? Yes, it was originally started, I believe, when men wore slightly more platformed soles. So I call it a bit of a pitch invader.

I thought it was for cowboy boots to let them up the shin. Yes, it's so that you can wear any sort of boots underneath. Yeah, but why would you want to take your trousers off and leave your boots on unless you're in a 1970s sex comedy? It's... Why would you do that? Oh, I need to get these jeans on. I'm keeping the old cowboy boots on now because there's a bit of shingle coming up.

It's not great news, but what I would say... Do you not like them? Of course I don't. Revolting. But it is preferential. I do like the move away from the skinny jean. Oh, the skinny jean. What I call the medieval jester's look.

Don't like that, Frank. No, you don't like the skinny jean. Do you? Well, I think some people they look really good on. I'm surprised that some of the people who take them on, I must admit. Oh, yeah. Some people, they'd be better off in a flare. Yeah.

I just think... If you get people with what I would call prodigal son legs, do you know what I mean, when they have a fatted calf? I think they're better in a flare. You see some of those people in a skinny jean and you think, whoa, was it Henry VIII? Calm down. I just worry, men that wear skinny jeans,

I just don't, I worry, I don't know if I should say this, I'll probably get in trouble. Go on. I just think they might look like they might, they'd be the sort of man you'd go on a date with and then they'd mispronounce a word and you'd think, oh no.

Like they'd say he was Annie or something. Well, I, yeah, I like the blokes. So if you're going to wear, like, a cowboy boot or a Poldark boot, talk in. Go the whole hog and talk in. The whole boss hog? Yeah, that's great. Can I ask you one last question? Sure.

When I read this article, it said amongst the range of trousers that, what's he called? Bialystok? No. Balenciaga is the label name. The creative director of Balenciaga is called Dima Vasali, I think it is.

Okay. He also popularised platform Crocs. Oh, really? Platform crocs? Yes, okay. But it's said that they also do cargo pants. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Now, what are they? They're what we used to call combat trousers, aren't they? You see, I thought they might be incontinence pants. Just got a bit of cargo. But it'll... just put John Carter where it's been for a day it'll stay there

till I get till I get home I'll unload that when I get in anyway thank you in my hands is my beginning

thank you so much for listening today for Good Lord Spares Us and The Creeks Don't Rise we'll be back again this time next week. Be seeing you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

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