The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Simon Cowell Candle

Episode Date: May 11, 2019

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has seen Buzz through a landmark moment. The team also discuss this historic week of football and are confused by a cartoon.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show. Go on. Oh, you know, the things we've got out of text over the years are unbelievable. Oh, yeah. At 12.15 it is. And on air as well. Yeah.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website those are the things that make this an interactive experience

par example here's a thing now here's a thing here is a thing I I was looking at a cartoon in the Daily Mail

now the great thing about having fabulous we have sounds like a Kirsty McColl song I'm going to keep it We're looking at a cartoon in the Daily Mail. Now, the great thing about having... I'm going to keep it brisk, but I'm going to give you the full story. It's a picture of a group of monks in a monastery, right? And one of them is holding a newspaper, the headline of which is,

Has Meghan Turned Harry Grey? That's grey. Okay. Yeah. We should say there's about 12 of them assembled. Yeah, a lot of monks standing around talking. But usually if there's a headline in a cartoon, it's a suggestion that not everyone knows this news story,

so we're helping you out a bit. Right. Now, one monk is receiving a phone call, and this is it. This is it. So the punchline is, what the monk getting the phone call? And he says,

it's Megan, have we got a habit in Harry's size? Now... We don't understand. They wear grey habits. Does that have to do with him having grey hair? Don't think so. Well, I noticed the monks are...

I'm a professional comedian. I've spent 20 minutes on it. I've got nothing. So, who wrote these, by the way? Those cartoons. Paul Thomas. Paul Thomas is listening. Or anyone who's seen it, Frank,

and perhaps has a greater insight into it than us. I mean, I'm happy to admit... We've all tried to interpret it, but... Oh, I've got the whole team on it. I'm assuming that Paul Thomas doesn't get to put it just straight in the paper without anybody else saying, yeah, yeah, that can go in. So somebody must have got it at some point along the... Maybe it's the Emperor's clothes.

They're all going, oh, oh, God. Right. I mean, it might be. We might be missing it what if we're missing it it's an absolute stormer but my point is it's a problem

I think you've got a problem on your hands if a team of five people in a 20 minute period well look the reason I feel I can talk about this without feeling like a heel

is I've done a joke I've done a joke, I've done a joke to, you know, three or four thousand people, none of whom have got it. So, you know, I know how it feels, but I always think,

oh, they should have actually got that. Anyway, if anyone can, and what's the punchline again? The producers put the paper into some sort of seal? It's all the monks in grey. Has Meghan turned Harry grey?

And the punchline, it's Meghan. Have we got a habit in Harry's size? On a phone. Just reminded me. I mean, I would have thought they were one size fits all. Your mention of a joke not working in front of 3,000 or 4,000 people just reminded me of the gone but not forgotten running thing that we did called Stony Ground.

Oh, yes. Some of them did fall on Stony Ground. Is that the cartoon equivalent? I wonder if we had a very good jingle for it. Oh, yes. Oh, I loved your Stony Ground jingle. That's not a euphemism. I'm sorry to indulge you in that,

but I hate the idea that a joke might be going past and i've i've never apologized at a time i missed the plane at an airport and i was there oh really just we found a trivia machine it was a dream when we stopped playing with it we realized it had been announced and everything wow i remember my friend saying it couldn't have been announced it was you know it's like a plane from an airport. Or the people got it. Anyway, one other thing before this first link, and then we'll get down to the show proper. I just needed help with that.

I've got an answer to Harry, by the way, but go on. Have you seen the Simon Cowell advert for Barclaycard or whatever it is? No. Imagine that I bought you for your birthday a Simon Cowell candle Imagine that I bought you for your birthday a Simon Cowell candle and that you had it lit for an entire evening at home and when you got up the next morning you had to look at it and thought, oh, that's ruined. I know we shouldn't mock the appearance of people anymore

in the modern comedy world, but when they've paid for it, I think it's kind of all right. What on earth I haven't seen it is that is ageing so bad that that is better

I mean I watch it and I feel like I honestly jumped when I first saw it this is one of the

richest most popular loved successful men on the planet is he I think so I think so well if it's him Are the richest, most popular, loved, successful men on the planet? Is he? I think so.

I think so. Well, if it's him, I don't know. He looked like somebody from Slipknot was doing an advert for... Is he partly God? Who is it? Don't know. What if it's not him? Maybe he's in the witness protection programme. Oh, maybe.

He shouldn't be doing adverts if he is, to be honest. Look it up, but brace yourself. I mean, God bless him. I never met him. He's been nice to me. But that should not have been allowed to happen. Nicola from Hungerford has been in touch to remind us that when Simon Cowell, when he was asked what luxury he would take on a desert island, he said a mirror.

Oh, OK. I think that's been changed. Wow. Now he would say no mirrors. I mean, if we find out he's been in a fire, I'm going to feel terrible. Yeah, you are. But that would have been in the papers. Momentarily, you are. But that would have been in the papers. Momentarily, I imagine. Surely that would have been in the papers.

No, I mean officially on air. No, no, I would feel terrible. But he hasn't been in a fire. That would have come out. Anyway, Cal, is it to do with the habit joke? Oh, none of the suggestions that have been sent in are broadcastable well it's not going to be a rude joke in the daily mail no but the suggestions nevertheless have been not really appropriate for morning television anyway you get to read them yeah exactly

can i can i tell you a bit have we done no, it was just one of the staff passed me her phone and a WhatsApp popped up. Very excellent. I don't really want to get involved in your WhatsApp groups. However, one of her friends says, Harry always wears grey clothes, apparently. It might be a father, actually, that sent this. Because the surname is the same as the staff members.

He always wears grey clothes. I think they've seen pictures of him on Desert Maneuvers. But if it is that... Does he always wear grey clothes? I didn't know that. In that case, it's an absolute rip-roarer. I think absolute rip-roarer

is the new channel that they're working on. Oh yeah, I'd like to see that. So, listen, I went to a gig this week. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, one of yours. Get out and about, don't you? No, not one of mine, I was an audience. I went to see Dead Can Dance.

Do you know their work? Dead Can Dance? No. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I hadn't seen them live before. My partner, Kath, is a big fan of theirs. And so I took her as a treat. As it was, I loved it. But it was an event indeed. What sort of stuff is Dead Can Dance?

Well, now you've asked. Yeah. I've never heard anything like it in all my life. Well, there's two people. My question. No, that was a perfectly good question. Brendan Perry is the male singer and Lisa Gerrard is the female vocalist.

I bet it's Lisa Gerrard knowing his Star Wars form. Oh, that's a good question actually. She also plays the Chinese Hammered Dulcimer. Do you know the Chinese Hammered Dulcimer? No, but it serves her right for showing off so much at the Gymkhana.

Anyway, so she plays, he does these, I don't know any of their songs, so I'll have to sort of give you an idea. So he's very Scott Walker-y in his voice. You know Scott Walker? Oh, yes. So it's stuff like, Of like, we reach out to the stars, seeking the truth of life. It's like that.

That's not an actual one. No. But I can't do her voice. Her voice is the most incredible thing you've ever heard in your life. I mean, it soars and swoops high and low. Right. And she came on in this, like, enormous silk and chiffon dress. There's a bit where she went on,

you know, they go off the stage sometimes when there's an instrumental bit. And I said to Kath, I think she's gone to sign the register. And it really looked like that. But it was amazing. And she, here's the thing for you. She sings in ideoglossia.

Oh. Come on. Who doesn't? Oh, come on, guys. Don't let me down. So Jolani couldn't work out what a cartoon, then. We're all in the same boat. Is ideoglossia a term like falsetto?

Ideoglossia is when you come up with your own language. No. Oh, like Tolkien. Like an infant. Well, sometimes kids have it, don't they? Well, Tolkien did it as well. Apparently twins do it a lot. Oh, do they?

The backwards language and things like that. And of course Professor Stanley Unwin, who used to talk about Deep Joy in the Fondamole and stuff like that. So she sings in a language that no-one else knows except her, which is very good. There's no lyric sheets required. And also very little theft, I should think. Well, also great. Not having her stuff nicked by other singers.

But it was a fantastic gig. And she is one of the few people I've seen in years who does an unironic blow and kiss to the audience. Oh, great. I mean, absolutely naturally. It's a great... I think Emily might grow into that. Oh, yeah.

Grow into it. I could see that. I'm starting today. Great. But really, I'm going to see tremendous stuff. 990 is guessing habit joke. Is it the end of Harry's playboy lifestyle? I did, my one guess was,

is it about him becoming a monk, which feels like, you know. Well, hang on, doesn't that start when you get... Married. Even call me old-fashioned when you begin a relationship. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, but it's... marriage even call me old fashioned when you begin a relationship yeah maybe yeah but it's is it

but why the grey hair we can't carry on like this workshopping we can't we just can't I want to tell you about someone I saw at the gig we'll leave it hanging on absolute radio tell you about someone I saw at the gig. We'll leave it hanging.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. When you're a parent, you have things, you watch things happen to your child, which are obviously the first time they go on the pot and all that. Not on pot, that's a

to-come. But you know, all those things. First time they sleep on their own. There was a biggie this week for me. I took my son out when he was nearly seven and bought him

his first ever belt. Oh, really? Oh, lovely. Nice. Now, it doesn't feel like a big thing, but you realise that their lives,

it's all about elastication, Keith. Yes. It is a move into adulthood. I think it's one of the reasons that boys, little boys and big boys, are always readjusting themselves. Oh, yeah.

I think you get, when you've got elastication, it's such a temptation. And that's why I think belts were invented, really, so we behaved ourselves. Well, we had, back in my day, the S-belts. Oh, they were cool. For the young gentlemen. Do you remember the S-belts?

Oh, see, we called them snake belts. Yeah, they were cool. Because it was a snake, wasn't it? Yeah. Last night, I was with my partner, Kath, and my sister-in-law, open brackets, unofficial, closed brackets, Rachel. We were watching Pat Sharp's 80s Belters or something it was called.

It wasn't about belts. But I noticed that... That would be a lot of research for the show. Do you know what? I genuinely would watch that. Bonnie Tyler was wearing a soul belt, which is one of those... They're fastened, but they have a long bit hanging down. Was it a canvas belt with a silver midsection?

I don't know about the silver. It had a metal tip to it, I think. But that was to weigh it down. Yeah, there was a metal midsection. But we called them soul belts, as if they were... Did you? Yeah, as if Al Green might wear one, which, of course, he wouldn't have done.

Anyway, so I got the belt, and I did this about this for clever purchasing. Where did you go to the belt, please? I went, obviously, I went to Gap. Which some of you long-time readers will know that I named Gap. Yes. In a long meeting, I was the one that came up with the name Gap. And have I got any credit or money for it?

Nothing. That's in my knowledge, anyway. Anyway, so I managed to get a belt that fit him on the very last hole. Oh. So that belt could last him till he's my age. Yeah. Just steadily moving up over the years.

I mean, that'll be... I might date the holes. So as he moves to the next hole, I'll write the date on it. And then we can charter his growth. I wish a better life for Boz, though. What? The one belt right into Apple Hood.

I hope that he does well enough that he can buy perhaps more than one belt in his lifetime. But why bother? Yeah, good point. Sums up the difference between you and I. Reduce, reuse, recycle. Let's face it, he'll be spending that money on space before we know where we are. You know, I'm excited about this because I'm just saying Gucci does a junior range.

Do they? Yes. Does he? Since he's quit cricket, he's really branched out. How would you feel about the old double Gs for Buzz? He'd have been Ambassador's Child. I wouldn't like that. No.

I'll tell you, it reminded me, you know that John Wayne thing when he said, when I hear the word republic, I feel like a man feels when he watches his son shave for the first time. And it was a bit like that, the first belt. So I wonder, and this is not about kids, but for any of us, I thought, could this work as a texting? Something that you look back on as a sort of landmark moment, but not the obvious ones like marriage and birth and losing your virginity, but sort

of wacky, wacky comedy ones. I'd like to talk at some stage about the first time I paid for something in a shop. That would be, I didn't know we'd arrived there yet. You. Oh, I forgot, I've still got an anecdote from the Dead Can Dance gig.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 806 has texted Frank. Hi, Frank and team. An important moment for me was when my mum stopped sending me off to school in shorts, ankle socks and Clarks sandals. I felt very grown up walking into the sixth form common room with long trousers and Doc Martens.

Blimey. Fifteen holes? Remember that? Fifteen old Docs. Do you remember we, they used to I discovered, it was shown to me by a former colleague on this show that she was saying in the West Indies, Clarks are like gold. was shown to me by a former colleague on this show.

She was saying in the West Indies, clerks are like gold. They're much sought after, clerks. Oh, really? And there's a song, which I'm going to attempt to do. If I lapse into the accent, it's done with warmth and affection. But it used to go... I get me clerks.

I get me clerks. Dum, dum, dum, dum. I get me clerks. And it was all about the joy of getting a pair of clerks. I get me clerks. Dum, dum, dum, dum. I get me clerks. And it was all about the joy of getting a pair of clerks. Yeah. Ah. That was lovely. Well, getting those specific shoes was always a big deal.

Can I tell you a landmark of mine which may surprise you? Mine would be the first time I appeared on stage in a comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival. Oh yeah. Lovely. Which seems pretty obvious. Except that I wasn't doing comedy at the time. Right. Don't be so hard on yourself. No, I'm not.

So I was one of those people who was called, you know people get called up on stage as a stooge. Oh, were you? Yeah. Oh. So I actually met my comedy debut in Edinburgh,

at the Edinburgh Festival, in Julian Clary's show. Did you really? And did you know him? No. No. No, I was just picked. Why don't I know this story? You know when you just pick.

Put the fire on, love. They say, you know, you can come up and, what's your name? And I said, you know. Did you get a laugh? I bet you did. I don't know. He was quite nice because he whispered the things he was going to do to humiliate me. Oh, right.

I heard that. Can I say, stop with that? Yeah. That's a method. I had to do like a sort of dialogue script with him so I had a

script one of those now I've done comedy I recognise this phenomenon it was a script that was

incredibly embossed with sellotape it had been used so many times it was dropping apart

but yeah so that was what about that Julian Clary hoisted me up well i had we're still on here yeah i think we are just i have a lot of firsts some of which i'll talk about on the radio some not okay i remember oh what about first first uh night in a tent frank oh that was rough my first night in a tent was in my garden oh yeah and unfortunately

some what my mother would have called yobbos i think oh yobbos absolute yobbos uh some yobbos stole our overnight bags because my sister and i took overnight bags into the garden yeah yobbos some yobbos it was complicated garden? Some yobbos. It was complicated, but it was a gated community, so you could come in through the front. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Linguistic.

Is yobbos, is it young boys? Oh. Is it one of the first examples of J-Lo or P-Cap or one of those names? Someone will know, won't they? You're right. I think yobbo. I bet J-Lo is not aware that she's part of a tradition that began with Yobbo.

Yobbo. Oiks occasionally, but it was more often Yobbo. It's got to be Yonbo. You're so right. It makes absolute sense. Any ex-Yobbo's listening. Can you not use that as a trailer? Just that sentence.

There might be some Yobboos listening who can enlighten us. Or Chelsea fans. Do yobbos know they're yobbos? It's interesting. I've never heard anyone say, yeah, I'm a yobbo. I remember someone, when I was a folk rocker, somebody said, what's it like being a folk rocker? Is it fun?

I felt like it was a job I'd got. Was it? Yeah. I quite enjoy it, actually. Goths will acknowledge their allegiance. I hope so. As you know, far and away my favourite youth subculture. Oh, we love a goth.

Yeah, so the yobbo stole our bags and cases. Aww. Can I ask you another technical question? What's the difference between a goth and an emo? Oh. Okay. This is like a blog post. It'll take pages and pages.

It's okay. I'll take it back. I've got this. Okay. Let me handle him. I would say an emo is much more, I think it's essentially a millennial version of the goth. Okay.

Okay? I think so. Is that a simple way of explaining it? They're more online-based, obviously. How are they? I'd say they're slightly more tortured. I remember. More tortured than goths.

Wow. Yeah, I think the goths have got a resilience to them. I do, and they're a hardy soul, the goths. Well, with those long leather jackets. It can be out in the churchyard in all weathers, I've found. 408 has told us that they felt very grown up when making their first cup of tea on my own at around age of eight. In which case, I've got two tea-making age children, pretty much.

So why are they not pulling their weight around the house? Yeah, it's about this age. The first tea happens. I don't know if I trust an eight-year-old with a boiling kettle of water. Good times have changed. You've got to learn, though. Well, you know, they trusted us with bottles of wine, so come on. Yeah, but you're not going to get scolded.

You're only going to get smashed. And I did. 782, Al. Sorry, Al, were you going to get scolded. You're only going to get smashed. And I did. 782, Al. Sorry, Al, were you going to say something? No, go on. I was so proud to buy my first record album from Woolworths. Ah. It was the Star Wars album after I'd just watched the film.

77. I must have been... You look great. I must have been around seven. I was so disappointed when I got home to play it as it was completely instrumental. 77. I must have been... You look great. I must have been around seven. I was so disappointed when I got home to play it as it was completely instrumental. Whenever I'm asked what was the first album I ever bought, I lie.

Oh. I would have been very disappointed. But what was she expecting there? It would be like a lovely story. No, I suppose a talking book. Expecting dialogue. And her solo. I mean, you wouldn't expect music, would you?

I mean, I'm at Lewis. Well, I think you might expect dialogue as a child. I thought they were getting the audio of the whole film, maybe. I don't know. No, I can see that. Heidi, you're being silly. I can see that that would be a seven, though. No.

Come on. I honestly remember feeling more grown up when I started to like brie. Huh? You know, like, I was 24, and I remember thinking, like, oh, yeah, now I'm like one of those adults because I eat brie like they do.

Yeah, that's it. I'll tell you what will be one for me. I still haven't worked, and this is genuine, I still haven't worked out caps lock on my iPhone. So when I do block capitals, I go back to just doing one at a time. So I go back to the cap thing. Is there a way of putting caps block on I have never worked that out

we can show you that during the next song we could have a landmark we can't do it on air that would be beyond tedious no I don't think so I think we could make that entertaining I don't know if I'd say it would be a potentially award winning moment on the show we don't really chase that

the friends episode the one where Alan shows Frank how to use caps potentially award-winning moment on the show. We don't really chase that. The Friends episode, the one where Alan shows Frank how to use caps lock. One of my favourite... I forgot what I was going to say. Carry on. Are you familiar with the Umlaut facility on the phone? Oh, tricky. No, but I'll tell you what I do.

I can do manana with that little... Because I often send texts that says manana with that little, because I often send texts that says manana with that little squiggle over the top. You have done that to me. Yeah. I've wondered where you got that from. Yes, I've worked with that. Because I've only used Yimlaut for Urzil on a few occasions. You've used it for Urzil. Yeah. Respect.

Really proud of that. Oh, well, if you talk me through your manana, I'll give you my Urzil. Yeah. And Alan will show you his caps lock. That's how society should work. Share is caring, yeah. Yeah, it's like the barter system. I never told you about what I saw at the... Oh, tell us.

You're not allowed. You might be aware of this as a phenomenon, but I saw at the Dead Can Dance gig in Hammersmith, I saw an incredibly sort of avant-garde bloke who had blue hair and a really amazing outfit. It looked like he'd come out of a sci-fi film. With a mate who was like Gene's teacher.

And I've seen that phenomenon before the the sort of avant-garde person who stayed with a normal mate it's like they're there to represent represent the norm that he has um that he has varied and it's it's i sort of think well if it was a couple one always gets converted you know what I mean, into the other, but mate, and it just looked, the bloke really looked like he got like a zip-up cardigan and stuff, and the other bloke, like it was his keeper.

It's like the control in an experiment, isn't it? It was, but, well, it's great that their love and friendship has stayed together through a complete image change by by one of them it's a beautiful thing

Frank we've been talking about firsts this year yeah we're talking about landmark moments in your life not firsts the degree if any swats want to start texting in.

Or what do we call it in my day, the Jeff Hurst? First. Is that what you call it? We called it a Jeff Hurst. Someone said, I've got a Jeff. I remember this boy walked in, he was so happy, I've got a Jeff. And then you had the Desmond Tutu. I only got a 2-1.

Yeah, me too. What do we call that? There was a name for that. It wasn't very good. It's a Hugh Johns named after the ITV football Yeah me too What do we call that? There was a name for that It wasn't very good It's a Hugh Johns Named after the ITV football commentator What do you think? I don't think

It probably wouldn't have been Widespread enough No I'll remember what it is So first we have Stephen Burgess Has got in touch to say Got to be first watch

The black Classic Casio Digital Had a light I remember the light and a stopwatch do you know if an eight year old boy did that

held his watch hang on a minute if you asked him the time and pressed the torch my heart leapt out of its rib cage but why would you when were you asking him midnight in the street

well this is the point Frank they would do it all hours of the day just to show they had the torch facility. Still a very popular watch, that Casper. I'd ask... Excuse me, he's not done yet, Stephen Burgess. Sorry. Alarm was Fleur de Melody.

How was it? Felt very distinguished. What? I don't know how old you are, Stephen, but you're exactly the type of boy I would have been into back then. Oh, OK. What were you going to say, Frank?

Fleur de Melody? What does Fleur de Melody mean exactly? I don't know. How? I hope it was a specific tune, like from Fleur de Lys. Well, I think it was. I think Cassio probably gave it a name. OK.

And perhaps didn't want to be sued by the estate of various composers, so called it Fleur de Melody. I think Fleur de Melody. I think Fleur de Melody was an eccentric old lady that used to come round for dinner at your house. There must have been someone called someone similar. Fleur de Melody. I was taught singing, unbelievably,

by a woman called Tona de Brett. Excellent. That was pretty good. Also, the Moray Neepep who's one of our regulars has got in touch getting to sit in the front seat of the car This was back in the day before seatbelts

we should say obviously you know we didn't know we didn't know we didn't know and kids were put in the hatchback boot if the car was really full the front was kept for your gran

or royalty. Good times. 774 has texted. Morning, here's my milestone. My son telling me he would wash and rinse his hair all by himself as he was at big school now. That means primary, by the way. Oh, maybe it's a Scottish person.

OK. FYI, I was so... No, not washing their hair. That was a joke, don't... It was a joke. That's OK, I so now I'm not washing their hair that was a joke it was a joke that's okay I laughed and I'm Scottish so it's allowed

okay that's alright FYI I was so hooked by your belt story I'm sat in my car in Waitrose car park watching all the other oldies

returning to their cars with delicious reductions I have missed normally I wouldn't read out praise but because they've missed out on delicious reductions, I feel like there's a kinship between me and them. It's a great way of getting praise.

So good I'm missing out on delicious reductions. Yeah. On the hair front, by the way, this week I, in an act of gay abandon, I didn't gel. Love that band. I was in a rush of gay abandon, I didn't gel. I love that band. I was in a rush. For the whole week or just a particular... No, no, I just came, I had to shower sort of early evening for a change.

He's immaculate, as we know. When I came downstairs, I thought, I'm not going to gel early evening. Who's going to see me? So when I got downstairs, both my I could say my sister-in-law open brackets on official clothes brackets he's staying with us at the moment and both her and my partner said you know your hair looks much better when you don't gel hmm and I thought maybe I'll try not chilling and I've been very uneasy about it. I feel very exposed. What do you guys think?

Well, have you got it gelled at the... Well, oh, I will be. Have you got it gelled at the moment? No. Oh, I like it. But then I like your hair gelled. I'm sorry. I know this is a wishy-washy response and one that you perhaps weren't looking for, but

I think you've got good hair. Well, thank you, darling. It reminds me, I saw a man who had a mohican and hadn't gelled. Oh, right. And that didn't work. It just looks like a fluffy mess. Well, it was just lying at one side. Oh, right.

Like grass that had something on it. Uh-huh. I often don't gel, and I feel self-conscious and fluffy, so I feel your pain. See, I didn't think you ever did. Well. Frank has a lot of body in his hair. So I would say you have gel for a night out. Why not? But you have a lot of body.

So I would say you can get away without the product. You're fortunate. Do you remember when we did age cut-off things? Someone said the things that you can't do over 50. It's an article in the paper. And hair product was one, I think. I think it was over 45. You can't have hair product. I mean, that's not fair,

is it? Yeah, I wonder what the people who wrote that article looked like. Yeah, good point. What about those punk rockers you see in Camden Town? And what are they going to do it with? Probably expectorant. Whatever that is. I just didn't want to say fl with, I'm probably expectorant. Whatever that is. I just didn't want to say phlegm.

I've said phlegm. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a guess about the Meghan and Harry joke. I think this might be the last guess that we do. I don't know, maybe not. It's 3-0 303 and it says, Frank and the hip-hop crew, which I can cope with. I can take that as a handle.

Does that mean that's in hip operation? Maybe. How dare you? We're like the new Skinnerettes. They say, surely the joke is that Megan doesn't want another birth, hence Harry now celibate. Adam from Chatham. But then why...

That she's driven his hair grey. Why put that in? That's just... That takes you one way and then... That's her doing something to... Yeah, Adam. Come on. Come on, Adam. Why doesn't the...

Can't we contact the cartoonist? We can't contact the cartoonist on Twitter and say, what does your joke mean, can we? No, I don't think so. Well, has anyone ever asked you that at a gig? And if so, how has the response been? Your witness? Yeah.

No, I usually stop them individually outside and explain it on the up-and-coming. I was just saying they can't have got it and then not thought it funny. I imagine Frank getting their numbers and ringing them up afterwards, saying, look, I need you to know what this meant. No, it's, I mean, like I say, I sympathise with this person. But, I mean, there might be people all over Britain laughing at that cartoon.

256 has sent interesting information. Yobbo is an affectionate way of a wife addressing her husband in Korea. Wow. Good info, innit? Well, that's what she told him. Oh, Yobbo. Oh, Yobbo. Oh, Yobbo.

Sorry, I nearly went into the... I held back. I think I made it. Paul. Hold on. Paula's got in touch and said big shoe sizes. Oh, Yobbo. Stop it, Frank.

It's making me ill. Big shoe sizes, graduating from kids' size, 11 to 12, onto proper size, one plus. I think kids' shoes went to 13. You're right. They did go to 13. He's right. Because I stayed at 13 for many years.

Oh, right. Now... A bit like now. Now, I don't know what kids... I think Boz is 12. Oh! So do they still go to big sizes? Does that still happen?

Does that happen, does it? It still happens. I remember, I don't think I've ever felt more cosmopolitan in my life than when I bought a pair of shoes that had 43 European on them. I thought, wowee!

That was officially when the world started to shrink, wasn't it? I think it was, yeah. That was Marshall McLuhan got it all right. That's weird, because I only had European when I was a child. You used to get UK something.

And you would, you used to get UK something. Yeah, oh yeah. And you would, yes. Um, Frank. Yeah. Without further ado, I would like to discuss the huge news in football this week. Specifically, I want to talk about. What, you mean the championship playoffs?

No, I was actually talking about Razor Ruddock's hair transplant. Oh, wow. I didn't know about thator Ruddock's hair transplant. Oh, wow. I didn't know about that. It's happening this week. Is it? Yeah. Fair play to him.

He posted a picture of it. That's more fringe football news, I think. Oh. I love it. Thank you. No, not that. Although that is big news. How many hair transplants in football? High profile? Actually, low profile. No, not that, although that is big news. How many hair transplants in football?

High profile. Actually, low profile. 8,150. They were high profile. I can think off the top of my head. Very good, very good. I can think of three. Who are you going?

Rooney. Klopp. Keon. Klopp. Yeah. Conte. Conte, theopp. Yeah. Conte. Conte, the former Chelsea manager. Lovely work.

I mean, this may be another great text in. I don't want to say too much at the start, but it feels like it's got it to me. But Conte, one of those had a really good head of hair, but a bit too far forward. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You thought, no, no, it never comes that far, does it?

It's going to be Simon Armitage. And then I think in the mid-ground, Klopp has got it exactly right. I wouldn't have known he had one unless that. No, had I not cruelly pointed it out. Right. He's open about it, though. Is he?

Wayne Rooney is, I Rooney I think they said that the spot where Judas commits suicide in the Bible that nothing ever grew there ever again and that seems to have been what's happened with the Rooney

Great mainstream reference Very good Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had some comments in on your hair Without gel We've got What's the scores on the doors, Anthea? Well, Nick's with a camera

Says, Emily's right Frank can carry off no gel due to his glorious volume. Glorious volume. Pays redacted, Nicola. If the word lustrous is used, I think I'll just go straight home. Lord Brian, totally pulling off the sans product, look.

Good use of sans. I think it would be sans. Sans product. Well, you would say sans teeth, sans anything. Are you an angle? Well, I wouldn't say... I'm quoting it in... Yes, I'm afraid the Shakespeare expert is agreeing with me.

OK, thank you. Which one? I would be looking for it to start with a vowel for me to go sans. But it's pronounced sans in Shakespeare, isn't it? It doesn't say sans teeth. Yeah, well, just because he made the mistake, we don't have to... Yeah, he couldn't spell either.

Frank Skinner's just corrected William Shakespeare. Figgy 1971. Looking sharp, Frank. Just don't go out in anything stronger than a mild breeze. I think it would be blown about. Because of your lack of product most of my face is winded 740

Ian Angle has said I bet Frank's hair still looks brill spelt B-R-Y-L brill like brill cream oh and Lady Analog for some reason I'm finding Frank incredibly hot in that photo I'm just passing this on I'm, for some reason I'm finding Frank incredibly hot in that photo.

I'm just passing this on. I'm enjoying it for some reason. I'm enjoying Lady Analogue. Yeah, that is a very fabulous name, I must say. Jimi Hendrix. Anyway, that's enough about me. We want to talk about... Can I say, we just had some news, by the way,

where we did the studio in Golden Square in in uh in london is it so well is that where he is yes soho um there are that the the building across the road is gonna be a block of private flats and they will look straight in straight in and the things they'll see it's a bit like having a box at the emirates yeah so there will be people i mean we'll be seeing people uh you know in their baby doll nighties in the all together it may be and it'll be like when i'm cleaning windows and they'll be looking at us doing the show which will be weird i wonder if they should leak the information that this show happens they might put like eight quid on the purchase price of a central london flat for a fan of the show.

What if we could witness a lot of incidents, Frank? Crimes? Well, there is a block of flats next to Lord's Cricket Ground called Lord's View. Will this be called Absolute View? Absolute View. So you can see. What about Frank's view?

If you saw a crime, would you report it? In someone's flat? Oh, in like a rear window type scenario? Quite strange things to ask a friend. Yeah. Absolutely. Would you, Alan? I think so.

I suppose it depends on what level of crime. I remember I once heard something that sounded like gunfire in the early hours of the night. And I thought, well, I'm not going out, but what I'll do is I'll make a note of the time. Because that's always very helpful to the police. That was my good citizenship. I didn't make any attempt to see the person who'd done it or anything,

but I can tell you what happened. What held them? 4.13. It happened. That'll be a real comfort to their relatives. Yeah, that'll narrow it down. Well, can I say something? This very week, I heard blood-curdling screaming outside my duplex.

Yeah, how dare you. Outside my duplex, Yeah, how dare you. Outside my duplex, and it went on, and it went on. It sounded bad, so I ran out, and a woman had tripped, and she'd broken her leg. Hmm. Wow. Yeah, and I stayed with her and some other.

It was very interesting to see which citizens stayed. Some joined us. Some fell by the wayside. They came, they looked, and they went, OK. Well, sometimes you think there's enough citizens, don't you? I think they were busy. They had places to be. People can be crowded, can't they? I took my son for cricket training,

and the ball gets hit out into the outfield, and, like, six kids run after it. And I think, what are we going to do? Just send one. Just one of you go. Yeah. Well we did a strange thing afterwards me and the other

good citizens. We held her hand she was in agony ambulance said two hours but you know. Two hours? I got them there quicker. You're joking.

Yeah. And so then we all thought numbers afterwards. Oh lovely. We said why don't we stay in touch and we're in a group now. You're in a broken leg

WhatsApp group. Yeah we're in a broken leg neighborhood WhatsApp. Yeah. Nice, lovely. We said, why don't you stay in touch? We're in a group now. Yeah, with a broken leg friend. Neighbourhood WhatsApp. Yeah. Nice.

Wow. Well, good on you for doing that, Emily D. I didn't help, but I can tell you that it happened at

2.27. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I just bring something up? This has been a terrible week to only have normal television channels. Tell me about it. Because I've only got...

Will you actually tell me about it? I am telling you about it. I've only got normal television and everybody's talking about last night's football. Every night, every night there's been football that everyone has talked about the next day. Yeah. And every day I've been going,

no, I've only got normal telly. I didn't see it. Well, what about me? I was in Shillingford on Tuesday night. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. In a B&B. I was in a B&B in Shillingford.

Why is Kath being like that? You haven't been misbehaving. And it was a very nice B&B, but they hadn't got BT Sport. Right. So the Liverpool game was on. And I had a quick look at the score, and I thought, oh, my God.

And I ended up... I couldn't even get five live on the telly. You know, when you can get radio on the telly. So I ended up listening to it on my phone. But I remember a friend of mine said to me years ago, he never listened to football on the phone because he never knew whether to believe them. The idea that they would completely make up what was happening.

I can kind of imagine you saying that. I like to think this shows us a lot about our modern age that I was the only one who watched all four games in their entirety, including the Chelsea on catch-up. Thank you. Good day. I watched... Well, I'll tell you what happened to me.

I watched the Man City game. Yeah. First of all. Biggie. That was a biggie. With the amazing... Company. Company goal.

And then I... Because I was in... Pep had the grey card on. In a shilling for B&B. Pep and the grey card, he needs to take it off. He won't take it off until... Lucky card. Until some of the terrible happens.

Although we... Anyway. So I missed... I only had that last bit on the radio. And then the Tottenham game was my sister's, my sister-in-law, open brackets, unofficial, close brackets. It was her birthday. And I thought, we can't watch football on a birthday.

That feels really bad. Buzz would have wanted to watch that. Well, he watched the first, but then he had to go to bed because it's a school day. So after he'd gone to bed, we switched it off. And I thought, you know, it's been nice. But obviously on my phone, I was able to keep an eye. But I didn't want to be doing that on someone's birthday.

It's a bit rude. But it's a bit like, you know, we've all looked away from a wardrobe malfunction. But it's very hard on the neck muscles. Yes. And it was like that. And when I started to see to it, in the end I just cracked when I saw that they had scored. I went, I want to put a telly on! I want a telly on, please!

So I just really got in time for the celebration. So I've had a hit and miss week so you saw the black chickens Frank I saw the last bit of it someone on Twitter referred to us as the red chickens we don't have chickens we have cannons but most excitingly

it is the championship playoffs I can't do today's because of work commitments, but I will be there Tuesday night watching West Brom march forward to Wembley. So let's not, you know, let's not diminish that. No, I don't think anybody else. Anyway, back to the Premier League. I like that what I enjoyed about it is it was very,

the whole thing, the whole week in fact, was like it had been written by a slightly hokey sort of screenwriter doing one of those Brit films about football. Maybe an American who didn't know that football could be very dull or if you lost, if you were 3-0 down, obviously you're not going to come back from that. And you're never going to beat Barcelona under those conditions. No, and the Ajax game was already over, etc. And the star player wasn't playing. It was all wrong. And the manager would be far too professional to start swearing on live TV. Because you can imagine that in the film.

They go, I don't care. Find me anyway. Yeah, I didn't. Well, I loved it as well, but I'm saying. He didn't swear on Five Live. He didn't. Oh, didn't he? Well, not that I heard. So you, I loved it as well, but I'm saying... He didn't swear on Five Live. He didn't. Oh, didn't he? Well, not that I heard, but...

So you don't believe it happened? The thing was... You're keeping it for the bigger audience. No, I believe it, but Kath was asleep, and I didn't want to... I think once the game ended, I switched it off. Right. So he might have sworn.

I heard him swear. Yeah, it was quite a... He swore in his post-match, and then Potch... I thought it was adorable, actually. Adorable? Adorable. I don't know about that. Well, in that case, get a load of this.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was saying it had been a bad week to only have the normal telly, and it has. Alan at 881 has texted, Alan, we've just moved into a new cottage and also struggling with brackets normal channels

while we wait for a dish. We're all waiting for a dish, dear. Also no Wi-Fi. Also no Wi-Fi. Normal channels and no Wi-Fi. Spare a thought for your young millennial readers experiencing such hardship in the countryside. We've opted to take the dog to the local pub every night.

Instead, where we've met a smorgasbord of local types, you've never seen so many gilets in your life. No. I can't believe that. I can imagine. Of course, the thing I noticed as well was, in consecutive nights, Vincent Kompany cried.

Yeah, and he brought the young kids on. James Milner cried and Pochettino cried, three successive nights. Now, do you remember when Gaza cried? It was seen as an unbelievable, remarkable moment. I know it's like when who Wants to Be a Millionaire went five nights a week and got stripped across. It was so popular, they're all doing it.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think, you know... But not, as you know, I have tremendous respect for Sari Chelsea. He's a man I love very much his team won a penalty shootout as well so everyone was

at their absolute height and they went to the absolute wire so the winning goal Eden Hazard went up hit the winning goal also the goalkeeper

had disgraced himself at the previous thing and Eden's last tournament with them maybe his last ever kick at Stamford. It was an enormous moment. Sorry, straight down the tunnel for a smoke.

No celebration. I liked it, Frank, when he was complaining recently. You know, he's furious about them having this friendly before the final, which is in America, and he was complaining again. And I thought, this is because you don't want to be on a plane, isn't it, for eight hours? It's tough for him on a plane nowadays.

He can't go on the plane. He has to do the bird camp by boat. He's also got the superstition that he can't go on the pitch. So all these celebrations. We'd seen managers, you know, Pochettino going crazy, sorry. I'll have a cigarette and I'll just get changed. I say I'll get changed.

I don't know if I've ever seen him in a suit I think he's live he's one of those clubs you can't believe the club shop like an Aladdin's cave of free gear I used to say

Tony Boulis when he was at West Brom sorry if you don't like football I'm trying to keep it human nature things not footballish but he would wear he would dress

Tony Boulis would have like a massive selection footballing. Interesting. He would wear behind the curtain there. He would dress. In the nature. Tony Poulis would have like a massive selection of club shop things. He liked a baseball cap didn't he? Oh God yeah. I always say I'd love to stumble

across the Poulis family night fishing. You'd see probably 20 grand's worth of stuff from the club shop spread across the family. Managers, coats,

tracksuit bottoms. Frank, what a wonderful game that you've got. I'm going to play this with friends. Is managers club shop or no club shop?

So, poch, no club shop. No, clop, club shop. Yes. You've got it.

In fact, I think clop is a sort of J-low of club shop. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, Messi didn't look happy, did he? Oh, no.

Oh, dear. I mean, he always looks a bit like... I wouldn't know on the radio commentary on my phone in a B&B in Shillingford. I think there was some airport fracas as well. Was there a fracas? I think there was a fracas. Yeah.

You're not my happy bunny. Yeah, he didn't look. Oh, no. No. He looked in shock, really. I mean, he would be. Yeah. But he's always got the look anyway

of a slightly grumpy East London pop-up coffee shop owner. Do you know what I mean? Messy. A bit shoreditch coffee and he'd be a bit like, yeah, next. I like, though,

that he looks like he looks like he plays for a pub team and then he's absolutely brilliant. It's a great combo. Yeah. Whereas Ronaldo

kind of gives the game away with his physique and everything. You know what's coming with Ronaldo. 231 has said Pep definitely no club shop. He's always got his lucky cardigan on. His lucky cardigan that he wore when Spurs beat them

in the Champions League. The grey cardigan. I could do 20 minutes on this. How warm is Pep Guardiola's cardigan? 8, 12, 15? I really don't feel that is a club shop. I feel like that was bought on a European city break for about £800 or something ridiculous. Well, look, the grey cardigan has... I mean, I like it as a piece of knitwear, don't get me wrong,

but there comes a point, even with the greatest of friends, when you need to mix things up a bit. Right. And I just think it's one wear, fine, two wears, three times, I've counted about eight in a row now. You're worried about it bubbling. Do you think it is superstition, though?

Yeah, is that what it is? I think Emily senses bubbling is on the way for Peps Card. Certainly on the elbows. It will be superstition because he's got some lovely suits and actually D Squared have a deal with them. And they make their suits which is why they made, what's his name, Brian Kidd

they made him put an Italian skinny fit suit on which was cruel. Oh that sounds unfair. Okay. Oh I see. Well sorry No need to apologize. which was cruel. Oh, that seems unfair. Okay. Oh, I see. Well, sorry. No need to apologise. What I like about... Thank you. We had to do one.

Just the mention of your name makes me laugh. But I love the... Okay, I know there's Mamboos, but I'm still going acrylic top. I love that. I mean, it could be two packets of Ensign and Edges. I don't know. But he doesn't care. But he doesn't care.

He just doesn't care. I'd really hope Chelsea don't get rid of him. I mean, I will miss him if he goes away. Potch goes for the... I'll tell you what he went. His look at the end of that was very... Stage magician. No, it is.

That dark tie, dark shirt and dark suit. It's very it's very frank but I'll tell you what else he went he went very going for it last dance

at the wedding it was very do you remember yeah tie tied he didn't quite have the top button undone

gold chain he really dropped his guard I've never seen him do that before. Tremendous work. We should have a break because the producer is getting edgy. I thought you were inviting us on holiday.

All right, you're going to play some music or something. It used to be a great... You know that old double act patter they used to do in Variety? Yeah. And there was one saying, oh dear, I mean, the things that's been happening to me just lately, you take my holiday. And the bloke says, no, I haven't got time, you'll have to take it.

And I thought that was very marvellous work. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As I said earlier, we don't normally read out praise, but I'm going to make an exception for 412 because I think it's almost like a public service announcement. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Waiting in hospital to have appendix out and your show is even better whilst under the influence of morphine.

Oh, worth knowing. Yeah, isn't it? A little tick there for our regular reads. As I say, a public service announcement. Can we say the absolute bad year? No. Do not approve of the use of morphine in a domestic situation. No.

Domestic? I think that's their general policy. No, it isn't. Keep it hospital. That's their rule on the morphine. So what about Andy Robb? Andrew Robertson. I bet he's called Andy Robb? Andrew Robertson. I bet he's called Andy Robb.

Oh, right. The Liverpool player who had a falling out with... Was it Suarez? Suarez. Yes. Well, Suarez had said as well before the game, I will not be celebrating in front of the Kop. I actually hate that.

Can you imagine the amount of people that tweeted yeah you were good as you were. Oh god that's such a terrible mistake. So humiliating. His phone's in a

bin somewhere near Anfield now just to not see all those tweets. That reminds me West Brom were in a cup semi final FA cup

semi final and they had some spare time so Ron Atkinson took them on you know you can do a tour of Wembley Ron Atkinson took them on. You know, you can do a tour of Wembley.

Ron Atkinson took them on the tour of Wembley so they could get used to it. Of course, we lost. Sorry, so you were saying, yeah, so he said afterwards. Yeah, there'd been a thing out there about they'd had a lot of niggle in the game. I couldn't really hear it on Five Live.

Right. And he said, who's going to the final? We niggle in the game. I couldn't really hear it on Five Live. Right. You're in such a... And he said, who's going to the final? We're going to the final, was what he actually said. Did he say it in the form of a chant? No.

Who's going to the final? We're going to... I wish he'd done that. No, he was being interviewed by Des Kelly. Leave it till afterwards. Let them enjoy their moment, Des. Anyway. And he...

It was raised to him, what Suarez had said beforehand. And also the incident was raised. And is your leg going to be okay? Are you going to be okay? Oh, yeah, he was hurt. Yeah, he was hurt. And he said, yeah, well,

I don't want to say anything out of turn, but, you know, he was going to the final. Yeah. It was more like that. Okay, I think that's that reminds me a bit of when former Spurs and England midfielder Alan Mullery

and Rodney Marsh the clown prince of British football had a bit of a disagreement about a moment from a game and Alan Mullery they just they didn't agree on interpreting this game and Alan Mothery, they just couldn't, they didn't agree

on interpreting this incident and Alan Mothery said, oh, look, just get your caps and medals on the table. That'll decide who's right and I love that. He just went down.

What about when... Oh, go on. No, go on. Can I say, Rodney Marsh did say, famously described... Get your caps and medals. He described English football as a grey game

played on a grey day, watched by grey people. Brilliant. Prince Harry. But he had that thing... Yeah, he was there. I think he was looking at a Lowry, Ben. I think his dog was describing it to him. Is it true that dogs only see in black and white?

I don't know. Well, if so, that's great. No wonder my dog thinks I'm so beautiful. It's a lovely filter, black and white. No, I think dogs only see seen black and white? I don't know. Well, if so, that's great. No wonder my dog thinks I'm so beautiful. It's a lovely filter, black and white. We all look better in black and white. No, I think dogs only see black and white. 12.15, the dog's only seen black and white. So I remember thinking,

what an endless snooker game that would be on those paintings. Or was it pool? Maybe it was pool. Pool. I don't know. A subtlety I'm unaware of. I think dogs only see in black and white. You know what?

One of our readers is going to tell us. They're so good at these things. They'll know that for sure, and with no Google required. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. May I just take this moment to say respect to Mundo, to the various people that have texted with the dogs see in black and white, it depends on which licence you buy, Joe. moment to say respect to mundo to the various people that have texted with them the uh dogs seeing black and white it depends on which license you buy joe oh that's very good from the past

can i say sarah champion our colleague absolute has just stuck her head around the door and said that she was at um the science museum open brackets in la close brackets which is a lovely moment brilliant lovely and there's a bit where you could put your head inside a dog's head yeah i don't imagine they use that it's type i don't think it's like no you know those elaborate meals they used to have a banquet where it starts as a wren right in the middle and it goes out to a complete cow how big is it i'm imagining it as a sort of Ganasaurus Rex type head. I hope that Sarah isn't listening to this and the radio didn't cut out

and just come back on complete cow. She completely misunderstood what the story was. It'll never work again. But anyway, so Sarah was able to look and they reproduce what a dog can see. So this is, and she's just told us that it's not black and white, but it's very muted colours. It's like when you turn the...

I don't know if you can still adjust the colour on a telly. I suppose you can. Well, she said it was blurry. Blurry and muted colours. Which is why dogs are the ideal partners. I love my man to not be able to see me 100%. Yeah, exactly He must think we're all very boyish, your dog

Or girlish, I suppose You never hear the phrase girlish, do you? No, I don't Anyway, so that Girly, I suppose What a good idea to be able to put your head inside a dog's head And see what they see I'd love to see what the animals see

Which animal would you choose? I mean, obviously, you know I have a special affection for the dog. But if you could choose to put yourself inside the head of any animal, to live like that animal for the day and see life from their perspective. It's got to be flies. Chimpanzee.

It's got to be flies with their weird eyes, hasn't it? I'll fly chimpanzee every time. Really? Chimpanzee. They're not like us, though. No, it's just like being us yeah it's too close

they live how I lived in the school summer holidays from about 14 onwards what about you see I'd experience

flight surely would you I'm not great with heights they can swim they can swing

oh even better yeah I'm not great with heights. Third and fray, lovely. They can swing. Oh, even better. Yeah. I'm sure they do as well. As one once said to me. Can I offer some relationship advice to our readers? Sure. I'm sure you can.

And I'm continuing the theme of the football thing. Oh, yeah. One thing I've found that me and Kath have started doing is having, very, sitting alone and having lovely,

intimate chats about life, about our relationship. You know, really, that's the kind of relationship, the chats you can only have with someone you know and love.

Oh. With muted sporting events on the television at the same time. Oh. I like that. Something for everybody. Well, I like that because it's the compromises that one makes. It is that.

And I'll tell you what, it takes some of the responsibility off the chat. Do you know what I mean? Right. It doesn't have to carry the whole evening, the chat. I agree. Sometimes it can be like 97% of the focus and sometimes 60%. Sometimes the other three. Yes.

Yeah. Less pressurised. Honestly, it's... Sounds useful. I'm genuine, it works really well because we don't seem to have any real... If it starts to get a bit hairy, I'll turn across and watch Ben Stokes just putting one to a square leg.

Well, I think averting your gaze occasionally, I think this is proved in therapy sessions. I've tried averting them and they won't have it. Lance. I've said to them, I've said, boys, can we just divert you but they will not go? But I think it's

it avoids that feeling of hostility that you can sometimes get with direct eye contact. Well, I watched a one day international cricket. A cricket one-day international, and a large section of it, while I was watching it,

I was listening to T.S. Eliot read The Wasteland on an audio book. And, you know, it worked beautifully. So this thing that men can't multitask, it's simply not true. If we're avoiding emotional conversations of any kind, we can do it. Something to hold on to.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were asking earlier about the phrase yobber. What was it, an abbreviation? Young boys. I thought it might be like Jürgen Klopp and Klopp and Klopp Shop. That's right. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's right. Well, Steve has emailed,

we always thought it was Youths Out Bothering Oldies, which would make it one B. Yeah, it wasn't. I'll tell you what, it wasn't that. You think? No, they didn't have... Yeah, let's call... Because someone said, what are we going to call them?

What are they? They're Youths Out Bothering Oldies. And we say, why are you going to call them? What are they? They're youths out bothering oldies. And we say, why are you talking like that, weirdo? That's one of those. We had a word for that, didn't we, Frank? When someone had applied something after the fact. Like someone said news. Yes, exactly.

What did we call it? If you can remember, loyal readers, do text in. It was to describe... Someone said that news was... What's the word for those things? Acronym. They said news was an acronym of... It was like a late acronym.

Weather stories, yeah. We'll come back to it. One of our readers, I'm sure, will enlighten us. You were saying, and I don't want to dump you in it here, Frank, but you were saying off-air that I actually won't talk about that no I said you were saying I said I'm slightly everyone's very excited that there's um English teams in the uh Champions League final and the Europa uh final for me it's slightly diminished, those finals.

And I said you were a bit of a... Because... Don't want to be a member of a club that will have you. There aren't really any super exciting finals anymore with all English teams in. You know, the Carabao and the FA Cup are not what they were. And it's just a bit... It just made it feel a bit domestic.

Yes. It's like talking to English people when you're away abroad on holiday if you think well i'm wasting my time i could do this at home and it's such a waste of airfare and well that's what i think i mean that's the can't we just say look guys we'll look that's what simon cow would say. Let's just do it at Wembley. Let's just do it all at Wembley. No, Simon Cowell would say... Ah, who's that? I'm sorry. There have been a lot of news stories about how expensive it's going to be

for the fans to get to Madrid. Lots and lots of them. And I sort of thought... Back you. How quickly we've forgotten the climate protests. How quickly. You know, a couple of weeks and now we're all flying to Madrid to watch football.

Azerbaijan. Azerbaijan. 16 hours. Is it really? I looked into tickets. I can't travel that far. The trouble is as well, me and Kath having very intimate relationships doesn't work

so much when we're actually at the game. True. People get awkward around us. Good point. Maybe they could use that as like, you know, you can have like fan commentary and that, you can choose your commentaries. You could choose a couple having an intimate thing

and listen to that over the football. Well, I had an incident. I went to see Lecoq Sportif's show this week, just after you'd gone in. You mean Alan? I mean Alan. Just for those people who are... I took the staff with me for a night out. I bought them chocolate. Did you really? Yeah.

I went on my own. Well, I know you'd gone incognito. You're a bit classier like that. I made a huge deal. Hello, I'm here to see my radio show colleague. Whereas I... Oh, oh, oh He's the loneliest man in the world That was me at the gig. I bought the staff.

The good news is, Frank, I bought them. I treated them. Did you? We went for a drink afterwards. I... They had two cocktails. The kind with sort of bay leaves and roses in them. They didn't go cheap. Alan and I, two hot chocolates.

Yeah. Oh, blimey. Just remember, they can never be our friends. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were talking just now about news. We were talking about... Go on.

We were trying to recall someone had sent in an, well, allegedly it was an acronym for news, which I'm going to go to one of the staff here. They? Notable events, weather, sport. Yes, notable events, weather, sport. Someone else suggested it was north, east, west, south. Doesn't make sense.

The one that we had before, someone said... Notable events, weather, sport. And someone has reminded us, we called this a backronym. 398 has got in touch to say. Did we actually invent a backronym? Possibly someone else did. That's when you come up with an acronym that fits it. It's too convenient.

It's after the fact. That sounds to me like a thing that a reader would have sent in. I was treating it as the writer's room. Us and our readers working together

to produce content. Lovely. Hey, teamwork makes the dream work, guys. What happened to you? Hang on, what's going on with him? That's lovely.

Karen is sharing. Yeah. Or is it sharing is caring? I think it's that. Yeah. In addition to Caring is sharing. Yeah. Or is it sharing is caring? I think it's that. Yeah. In addition... Sharon is Karen.

Oh, well, don't get me started. She's signing on. In addition to that, Jill Spooner from Berkhamstead has been in touch. Yeah. Here we go. A Spoonerism, finally. She might be one of the Rev's relatives.

Oh, maybe. Descendants. She could be, yeah. How did this come up again? a spoonerism finally she might be one of the Rev's relatives descendants how did this come up again you were talking about you and Kath having intimate conversations about sometimes quite big things with muted sport on the television I mean it means sometimes you'll say

you know I don't know sometimes I think that you don't notice me like you used to. And I'll go, oh, come on! And she'll say, I'm just suggesting it. I'll say, no, no, he just missed. Just missed the penalty. But it's all right, it keeps the edge off it.

Well, Joel Spooner had another example of this. It's the same when driving. Teenagers always say, worrying conversations for when you're driving. I think it's so your full reaction is tempered by not crashing, e.g., mum, I'm pregnant, mum, I've dropped out of uni, etc. Frankly, more. Wow, that's quite dangerous, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, I would say so. Mum, I'm pregnant, mum, I've dropped out of uni, mum, you're driving into uncommon traffic. I like this sofa for existence as well. You read that out, and Sarah, producer, and I think Faye, are asked, both said that they'd done it. Yeah.

So it is a thing. They've brought up difficult things whilst the parent is driving. I never did that. Mind you, we were normally driving. I'm angry enough. They weren't in any condition. They had to take them back from the dinner party. I'm angry enough whilst driving anywhere

without hearing bad news from my children. I know, it can get you when you're at your most furious. Why is Daddy swearing? I haven't even told him yet. Yeah. Well, that is good to know I think I shall keep an eye out for it as they say

we'll be wishing you luck with your little game can I say I've come to see now the automatic promotion from the championship is very bourgeois it's very sensible car on the drive 2.4 children, whereas the playoffs, it's like

when you don't have much money and your doll check comes in and you spend it all on a pair of trainers. It's like that. It's come on! Frank, that's how I'm trying to see the Europa League. First I saw it at CSC Grade 1. Oh, yeah.

Almost making it. Google it, children. Well, I know Sara is in the final. I'm sort of more interested in it. But I must say, I mean, just as a little insight into... Me and Kat don't even have heartfelt conversations over the Europa League. Oh, God. We wouldn't belittle our relationship like that.

How dare you. Enjoy your playoffs. Oh, we're not the thirsty football. Anyway, it's a show. I think the final's on a Wednesday, isn't it? Who do they think they are, played on a Wednesday? You know your place. So, thank you so much for listening to us this morning.

If Albion do lose the playoffs against Villa, I probably won't be here next week. If you are, I'm taking the week off, pal. I'm imagining I'll be on Weiss Crown with about nine carrier bags and a bottle in my hand shouting I used to be on television. We'll see how it goes. That's what Klopp will be doing too. If the good Lord,

now he'll be getting the new gear, he'll be coming in for next season. He'll be loading that onto a minivan. So look, if the good Lord

spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.