The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Siri

Episode Date: April 11, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is back with Emily and Alun. Frank gives the team a little history lesson and discusses his Siri issues. They also talk holidays, trips to the zoo and certificates.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. He's back. Hurrah! This morning. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Late news coming in. Still alive, the Queen. Brilliant news. That's put me up. Good. Lovely.

Well, at this point, we often say, Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. Morning, Richie. Which has become a bit of a thing that we do. And of course, Richie Brenner, who I play so accurately in that thing, has died this week. I'm sad about that.

I am. He was brilliant. We're saying morning with a U in it instead. I met him. Did you? Lovely. Very... You have met them all. I've met most of them. Yep. Hmm.

Uh, Mussolini. I think that was one of my big misses. He'd just gone as well. Yeah. Just left the room. What about when I met Salman Rushdie during the fatwa? Did you? During the fatwa? Yes! What, were you hiding in a cupboard? I can't go into it. Well, it's alright now, isn't it?

I think he's... Oh, is it okay? Well, I think he is. I saw him at the summit the other week. I met him via Andrew Neil. Let's just leave it there. Okay. I met him via Boris Becker.

We stepped into a cupboard at a restaurant and Salman was in there. He was in there playing Patience at a small, badly lit table. I would love to have seen the product of that. Oh, dear, yes. So, oh, I'm scratching now. Oh, don't.

Can I just get this done? I shouldn't be doing this, because I had a gift arrive from a guy called Patrick from Brighton. I know what you're thinking. He sent me a body polisher. Oh, lovely. Lovely girl. I don't speak a word of English, but she's doing a great job.

She sounds great. Thanks, Tarby. It's called a body... It's a red cloth and it... Oh, it's coarse. Is it? It's really rough. I do like an exfoliant in towel after a shower.

I mean, this is... Well, hang on, are you meant to use this yourself? Use it in the towel. Oh. In the towel, in the shower. Use it in the shower. And it really gets... It's abrasive in the extreme.

It's very good, I like it. So you get out of the shower feeling like about a millimetre smaller all over. You get out of it looking like the singing detective. Whatever it was that he had. What was the thing that he had? Psoriasis, darling. Psoriasis, yes. Psoriasis, darling.

I think it was one of the nights of the round table. So, yes, he sent me a lovely... Extremist one. An unlike fan food um it's alright to use a fan washcloth yeah FYI everyone

you know Frank has a policy he won't eat fan food I think it's a general showbiz policy don't eat fan food because they often inject it with mercury alright sorry to sound like

a civilian mercury that's the standard thing the cheapest way of poisoning you you get a letter that says I love your work I've watched you for years. Written with one hand on the mercury hypodermic.

So, yes, I'm enjoying the body polisher. I was a bit worried there might be... I'm in one doubt there could be a camera in it, possibly. Frank, you're so paranoid. Who would go to the expense and trouble of setting that up for you? Patrick from Brighton. Good point. He's got very niche tastes. He's got other fish to fry.

I've looked him up. He's a leader in the field of fibre optics. No, he isn't. And his PS is lovely. I know it feels a bit scratchy, but it soon softens up after a few uses. I bet you've used that line before. But thank you for that, Patrick. I do use it. And the colour has come off a bit, but that could be blood. Let's face it.

This is a lovely welcome back. It is, yes. Frank, there's a little bit of housekeeping that we need to take care of. OK. It's almost literal housekeeping. It's to do with the facilities at Absolute Radio. Oh, yes. I don't know what's happened. I seem to have hacked into someone's personal email chain here

between Daisy, the producer, and one of our representatives at Absolute. And he says, could you pass this message on to anyone coming into work tomorrow? The toilets will be out of order from approximately 7am till 3pm for essential works that I won't go into detail here unless you really want to know. I've spoken to Cafe Nero and they're happy for us to use their facilities.

That's lovely, though. So that's what we're doing today? No. Oh, while you're in there, get me a big coin. Any other big chocolate coin. Yeah. In fact, get drinks, but bring them back using the big coin as a tray.

Well, Daisy, the producer, replied, is this serious? Thanks. Sent from my iPhone. No kiss, just sent from my iPhone. She's tough. We don't see that side to her. Oh, I've seen it before. The velvet glove and all that. The iron fist. Just some of the videos I have in my collection. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've actually heard from the outside world.

You know, I like to do a little scroll down and see any emails that have come in like yesterday or... I didn't know that. Oh, he does. He loves the Friday nighter. I do, yeah. That's just a bit of gossip. Back at the emails. Hi there, Frank. This is pertaining to bread.

It's titled bread. Remember last week you were talking about sliced bread that you'd had? Yes, I had some bread that was so indented and beshapen that I tried to put a cheese slice on it and there was so much overhang and overlap. It looked like modern art. Was it sort of what I call a Kardashian slice? You know where it goes in, in the centre?

Yeah, but it had that, but then it looked like it had been left on a Toblerone overnight. Oh, great. It was, but not in a satisfying way. In a less than... Yeah, it's of equally, you have to eat around it. Hi there, Frank, Alan and Emily. I'm a long-time reader,

first-time writer, but just wanted to add a small pearl of wisdom following last week's discussion about the needless holes in sliced bread. My dad used to be a baker and I worked in the bakery for many teenage years and holes in sliced bread are due to the bread being sliced when the bread is still warm so are

very much avoidable. Think about how many times you've cut a loaf at home and not had the holes in the loaf. None should be the answer. No praise as I know Frank doesn't approve. Apologies to Emily, who will find this email dull due to her anti-carb lifestyle. That's actually me, more like. She dreams of finding a hole in the middle of the bread.

That's a result. And she then continues, yes, we really did have a bakery in the town of Sandwich. Our surname is also Cook. My uni friends made a game up along similar lines, whereby you had to think of linked Oh, I love that game, except I might say Bath. Yes, that must be true. I once hosted, you know I do do these sort of corporate-type entertainment jobs. I hosted the Cooling Awards, which is like industrial fridges, and one of the guys that won an award was Mr Frost.

What are the chances? Brilliant. Eh? Actually, that, beyond comedy, has actually made me a bit worried. You know, sometimes there's a different level to the universe that we're not part of. Is Arthur C. Clarke still... I'm sorry to hear that.

If you're an Arthur C. Clarke fan, I'm afraid he's no longer with us. Do you remember the mysterious worlds of Arthur C. Clarke when he used to investigate phenomenon just like that? Oh, right. Oh, did he? When I say just like that, I don't mean... Just like Cooper.

No. So I... It was Easter, obviously, last week, so I did the bank holiday thing and I had a few days out. Oh, did you? Proper English days out. Let's call them British. Did you drive to the coast and then stick your feet out of the car? No, I didn't go to the coast.

I went to, like, places. I went to Soodley Castle on Sunday. Do you know Soodley? Is it definitely pronounced Soodley? I think so. OK. Sodily? I don't know.

Sodily! Do you remember that was at Kylie and Jason's wedding? Angry Anderson. How can I forget? Angry Anderson, yeah. How would you spell Sudeley? I'd spell it S-U-D-E-L-Y. Okay.

Anyway, you were at Sudeley. You were at Sudeley Castle. Yeah, I thought you might have heard of it, because if I'm not mistaken, Liz Hurley got married there. Wow. Yes, that sounds very up my straws. Yes, indeed. Not in that dress.

No, not in that dress. Don't think that for a second. No. I think she might have been in that wedding dress. Well, she wasn't because we just don't know. It doesn't qualify for a that. No, true. I remember the days of that man Shearer. Yeah. And he used to score a goal anyway

it was a lovely day it was my first too hot of the year yeah oh was it yeah which is always a bit of a milestone did you go long-sleeved or coach driver well i went um in a in a jersey what um and when the farmer came out, he was absolutely furious. Now, I wore a jumper, thinking it can't be that hot, but it was properly hot. But again, this is another reason I think you'd like Soodley, Emily. It was the home of Catherine Parr. Oh, lovely. One of the wives.

The sixth wife of Henry VIII, in fact. She was the clever one. She outlived Henry VIII, in fact. She was the clever one. She outlived Henry. Yes, she did. So popular they actually retired the number six shirt after she died. And you know, she had four husbands.

Did she? So everyone goes on about Henry VIII being like, you know, a bit of a... A? Yeah. People give him a very hard time. They do.

He always put a ring on it. Yeah, he did. Yeah. I'll say that. Or an axe through it. Depending on what mood he was in. But it was very... Four husbands, all married to Catherine Park,

too early in history to be able to do the I'm feeling a bit under par joke. Oh I was thinking of fall over Parr. Yeah I mean but how frustrating not to be, obviously they didn't know that it was a gag they couldn't do. Can I just say I'm loving your Tudor material.

There's plenty more of that. I got deep into Sudeley Castle it was lovely I'd recommend it forudeley Castle. It was lovely. I'd recommend it for a day out. Take the kids. They haven't given me anything free, by the way. Not yet. No.

So got a pen. No, honestly. Might be a brick. A brick in the post. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Who was the best wife of Henry VIII? That's this morning's texting. On 8.12.50. Well, you see, people always go for Anne Boleyn. It's so obvious, isn't it? That's the only one they know. Well, this is it. This is it.

I'm an arrogant fan. Oh, OK. I won't lie. See if I... Yeah. She was the first and the best, in my opinion. She was a fine woman. I don't know the order.

I'm not good. Is there a mnemonic to remember the six wives in order? Oh, yes, there probably is. I'm sure one of our readers will text you. Yeah, that'd be a good... I'd quite like that up my sleeve, up my historical sleeve. Yes. We've heard from Mike.

Morning lovelies. I went to Sudley Castle when an infant. Sudley. I think it's Sudley. Sudley Castle when an infant. I got bitten by a donkey. That was my childhood. That is all.

Mike. He's bounced back now, Mike. He's joined in. Yeah. I like that. He's still put together a nice little text. Despite that. Despite the donkey bite.

He always says says remember that on the katherine par um front do you um have i ever told you about that i heard david frost when i was a child do a joke on the telly yes and he said marmite hopeful par do you get it? No. Hang on, leave it with me a second. I know this isn't great radio, but I just need to think about it. Mar might.

Hopeful par. Mar might. Hopeful par. No. This is a bit like when someone explains a cryptic crossword clue, isn't it? It's not. Okay. Well, mar, as in mother.

Mother. Might. Might. Well, Ma, as in mother, might. Hopeful Pa. So he's hoping that Ma might. Oh, Hopeful Pa. Yes. Okay, I understand it. Do you understand it, Alan? No, Alan.

Oh, God, this is the worst radio I've ever done. But anyway, Ma might. So Mother might agree to the physicals. Oh, got you, yeah. Hopeful father. Hopeful father. Oh, I mean, come on! I mean, come on!

It's a bit like a magic eye picture. I couldn't hear it without the double R on par. Okay, I understand. Well, so I had this similar problem. I heard this joke and I got it immediately, even though I was eight. You were very advanced with the comedy, weren't you? I was about 16, to be honest. OK.

But even so, I just got it like that. OK, well, you had a lot of time on your hands to think about these things. You weren't cleaning your teeth and doing stuff like that. That's true. My cousin came round and I said, here's a joke for you. Marmite, hopeful pa.

And he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I said, do you get it? He said, no. I said, Marmite. And I went through the same process I went through with Alan Cochran. And then I said, Marmite, hopeful. And he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And he I said, Marmite, hopeful. And he went, ah! And he promptly laughed. And I thought, great. And this is absolutely true. I was in the pub

that night. And I was playing darts. And he was sitting to the right of me talking to this guy. And I heard him say, here's a joke for you. And I thought, brilliant, he said, right, Barvril, Hopeful Pa. And the other guy went, Ha ha ha! Just went so wrong, everything went so wrong. Anyway, um... Frank, if you don't mind me saying, you know, you do have previous, you do have form on this.

You don't like it when people don't laugh, but you don't, you get even angrier. Remember that time when you told a joke and you got angry because you said you told the joke incorrectly and they laughed? That made you even angrier, didn't it? Yes, that's true. I'm a difficult man.

I own up to that. But anyway, Soodley Castle. I love a castle. I think I might have Torrit syndrome. I prefer the Bovril one. Yeah. It's not going well, is it? I've got an interesting fact about Catherine Parr as well, about her burial.

Oh, I can't wait for that. Trail it. Trail it, and then we'll get more listeners. That's what they call a teaser in the business. People thinking, oh, I was just going to go to work, but hold on. Let's get the Catherine Parr burial stuff. I'll miss out on that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

We've got some news in. Welcome back. Oh, have we? Yes, we've got a Henry VIII mnemonic to remember the wives. Fabulous. I couldn't use that practically in life. If I bump into David Starkey in maybe one of those outdoor smoking places you get in public houses. Oh, yeah.

Morning from Laura and Mark. Oh, I don't get it. So it's Emmys for... Oh, sorry, I thought that was Ian. Oh, no. Just hold your horses. Okay. Home is divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

Not much of a poem. No. And then we have all boys should come home, please. Hold it. All. Catherine of Aragon, is that? Yes. Boys.

Go and help me. Anne Boleyn. Oh, of course, yeah. So it's surnames, initials. You could probably work it all out from there. Should. It's Jane Seymour. Yes. C is Anne of Cleves. Shall I do this? It'll be quicker. Yeah, yeah.

And then, uh, Catherine Howard is, um, come. As Cleves- At her home, sorry. As Cleves- A Cleves Catherine Parr. Has Cleves ever become a colloquial term for cleavage? No, but I like the way you're talking about her like she's a footballer. She was known as Anne of Cleaves because she's got a great cleave.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She might have been. It would work. Yeah. Okay, well, that's brilliant. What's it called again? I'm going to write it down.

Good boys should come home. All boys should come home, please. Don't do good boys should come home or you'll get different wives. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. Too late for that. Garber. All boys should come home now. No, please.

Sorry, please. Why do you keep getting it wrong? I told you four times. I want to inject a certain immediacy into this. Now. Don't linger. I hate it when they linger. So, yes, it was... When she was...

When they found her... She's buried there at Soodley Castle. Oh, yeah. When they found her... Was that the last husband then, Soodley? Must have been, I would imagine. Maybe some earl or something. He was called...

Earl of Soodley, maybe. I don't think he was. Anyway... Steve? Steve. He wasn't called Steve. Steve Soodley. Steve Brookstein. Yes, Steve he was. Anyway. Steve? Steve. He wasn't called Steve. Steve Sudley. Steve Brookstein.

Yes, Steve Brookstein. No, that's from somewhere else. John? Anyway, so they found the body, and this bloke prized the lid open and cut a bit of air off, and she was remarkably undecomposed. This is a lovely story.

But when they reburied her, the two grave blokes were drunk and they put the coffin in upside down. Oh, no. Oh, it's a shame. Which is always bad. Next time they opened it, she was stuck to the lid. And I don't know about you, but I hate it when that happens with a queen.

I mean, they deserve a bit of respect, even post... Yeah. Post... Mortimer? Yes, post-mortimer. She probably was. So there you go. Even post... Yeah. Post... Mortem? Yes. Post-mortem-er. She probably was. So there you go.

That's nice. Catherine Parr, ladies and gentlemen. But she's the only queen. Ladies and gentlemen. But she's a turn that's just been on. Catherine Parr, ladies and gentlemen. She has, in a way. She has just been on.

I felt the spotlight was on CP this morning. I'm praying for Velvete to MC her. After the interval ambling. Thank you very much. I'll just ambling. There was a see-through maze at Soodley Castle. A maze in which you could see exactly

where you would go. That sounds rubbish. That's a terrible maze, isn't it? You can't put kids into just a maze on their own. Slab that, innit? Yeah, but they'll be gone for... It's not really a maze. Not really a maze, no, but called a maze. Ladies and gentlemen,

Catherine Parr. Look, that's a big... There'll be people listening to this who've never heard of Catherine Parr. Now they'll probably go out to the bookshop today and get, you know... You can go straight to the bookshop rather than to Ecosia or Google. Is it Ecosia? Maybe, maybe they'll... Yeah, imagine if they haven't heard of Catherine Parr,

they don't own a smartphone. So they'll go out and, you know, I think we've... Yeah. How am I going to get out of this, Link? Because there was another Catherine Parr joke. Parr boiled? No, I don't. If the book could be a pot boiler,

but like a par boiler. It's getting very complicated. What's a pot boiler? Isn't it like a... I say you use it casually, but neither of you know what it means. You're making me sick. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in that at first I didn't know the story. Dear Frank, this debacle about replaying 18 seconds of a football match to put right or wrong, I wasn't aware of that story, but apparently they're going to play it. Yes, a woman's international, and the referee didn't understand one of the rules. So instead of replaying the whole game, they're going to replay those last few seconds. Well, I wasn't aware of that, and I didn't know, but now...

Well, look, it's not my fault! Now I get it. I mean, there might be a sting in the tail of this text, I don't know, but now... Well, look, it's not my fault! Now I get it. I mean, there might be a sting in the tail of this text, I don't know. This debacle about replaying 18 seconds of a football match to put right or wrong. I struggle to think of a similar situation, but after your Marmite joke, perhaps you could do the same. Thanks, Mark and Norwich. Oh, Mar.

I mean... Mar. I mean... What, another 18 seconds of Marmite joke? Yeah, I think that's what he wants. You could do another 18 on Catherine Parr. What can I say? It wasn't my joke. It was David Frost's joke, originally.

No longer with us. Are you going to mock his... His output? Yeah, exactly. You people. On a brighter note, we've had a tweet in from M. Knight. Oh, yeah. Who says...

Hashtag... Move, move, Knight. He says, I don't think I've ever heard of Catherine Parr before. I'm 35, sent from a smartphone. There you go. On Twitter, hasn't known a Catherine Parr. Catherine Parr will be trending by the end of this show. Incredible woman.

I think she was the first woman to have a book published in her own name in England. God, you loved this day out, didn't you? You loved it. I like it, you know. Sounds like you read every sign there. He loves a fact. Yeah. I do like a fact. So when I'm on a day out, I'm just thinking, is there a gift shop in Sudeley Castle?

What, like you ever buy gifts? In fairness, like you ever buy gifts. Well... Is there a cafe? Was there no cafe? I'm usually like... Come on, kids, look at the signs quickly. I wasn't there for cafes. I was there for history. I love a cafe, don't you?

Oh, God, I'm all about the cafe on a day out. Cafe in a castle? Cafe in a castle, I know, I know. Sash. Siri, Siri, Siri, no know, I know. Sash. Siri. Siri. No. Funny I should mention that.

I'll tell you what I've come to despise in all its aspects. Siri. You know Siri on the iPhone? I can't bear Siri. Can I help you? Who are you? I don't... I've never...

I've never actually called Siri since, maybe the first week I had an iPhone, I was saying to people, listen to this, look at this, it'll talk to you, and you can ask it, like, where's a nearby French restaurant? Amazing. After a week, I was bored with that. It's sort of gone. It's a bit like relationships, really.

It's very like a relationship. It keeps calling me even though it's clearly over. I don't know what makes it happen, Siri. And so I'll be sitting, I'll press something on my phone and suddenly, can I help you? No, no, I'm Googling John Pertwee. You can't help me. Mind your own business.

And it is like that partner that won't let go and keep... You don't need to Google John Pertwee anymore. You've read all the John Pertwee, surely. Well, a lot of it. You get your Who alerts as well. But it's like I wish I'd got Siri's number in my phone so I could not, you know, I could decline. You can't delete Siri.

That's the problem. Is that true? I've tried. You can't. Oh, no. But I don't care about him. He's like C the problem. Is that true? I've tried. You can't. Oh, no. But I don't care about him. He's like Cable Guy. Is it a he? He just keeps...

No, of course he's not a he. What does it say? He's a he. Mine's a he. You've got a different Siri. I think I've got a female Siri. I wonder if they give females a female voice. Do you think you've got a bloke that's pretending to be Siri?

He's just found your number out. Well, he's just been Siri. Oh, God. All this has been leading up to that. No, it hasn't. Let's be honest. How did I know he was going to say that? It's impossible. He totally has. He emailed me on Thursday. And I said, this is what you have to say.

I've got some great Siri material that I can't wait to share with the world. I emailed him the Marmite joke. He still hadn't worked it out this morning. Oh. No, I really... It must be able to... You must be able to disable it.

No, you can't. I've tried. You're stuck with Siri. You're stuck with Siri. This is more serious than I thought. Oh, a lot of Siri puns. When did you get that through? Tuesday morning?

No, that was a bit of a late night. It came to me in the night. I don't know if he's even opened that one. Siri will open it for you, if you ask him. Siri will. Siri. I could be a Siri. What about if I killed him and Al?

I'll be a Siri Al. Just play the music. I'll play some music now. It's not that good. Siri Al? I'd be a Siri-Al. Just play the music. I'll play some music now. It's not that good. Siri-Al. I'm profoundly ashamed of it already. I think compared to the rest of our output, that's good. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 881 has texted us. Morning, Frank. Just wanted to let you guys know... That's my parking bay at West Bromwich Albion. Is it? Weird, isn't it? You've told the world now. Wonderful piece of trivia there.

Nevertheless, we have to continue with the show and read out texts. Morning, Frank. I just wanted to let you guys know that in settings, you can choose if you want a male or female voice for your Siri. That's from Jasmine, who's 11 years old. 11 years old? Jasmine. Well, I didn't know that in settings you can choose if you want a male or female voice for your Siri. That's from Jasmine who's 11 years old. 11 years old? Jasmine. Well I didn't know that. Maybe I'd get on better with a lady. I think you would.

I got Boz, my nearly three year old to speak to Siri. You know, something to do. It was like third hour in. Thinking of things to do. And I said just ask a question, ask a question. And he went, how old are you? And Siri said, why is that relevant?

I thought, it's a child! It's a child! What kind of a cold-hearted... I think that was my phone. It's specially activated to say that. We've had a text from Paul from Nunhead who said, Frank, I met John Pertwee in the 1970s when he opened a shop in Peckham. Fantastic. He did a lot of that kind of stuff, did he? Did he?

Yeah. What are you? I just met someone who worked with him on Domage. Oh, yes. And I've been investigating for anecdotes. It's a joy. What a joy it is. So what other bank holiday activities

did you get up to? I went to a bird sanctuary, if you want to know that. Oh, right, Alan Partridge. Yeah, and it's quite difficult because Boz is a little bit scared of the birds when they're out and about.

Because they're not in cages, they're walking about the paths. It's their sanctuary. You probably shouldn't have shown him that Hitchcock film. No, that was a mistake. But I mean like the big ones, the peacocks. The birds of prey. They are massive. Peacocks aren't they?

No they're not, but I thought you meant the birds of prey by the big ones. No, I don't think they let the birds of prey out? I wouldn't like him taken away by a tawny. But I... So I have to... It's one of these places... This was a place called... It's actually spelt Prinknash,

but I believe it's called Prinnish Abbey. And so I had to feed these birds out of my hand to prove how safe they were. We're all right with the ducks, because they've got, like, a round bill. They scoop. They basically scoop. They don't have a... yes.

So that's all right. But the peacock... Peacock would be handy. You don't have to pierce the film on a microwave dinner. Oh, yeah. That's when you wish you'd got a peacock at home. They're really like a little pin. So I have to, obviously there's a lot of, you know,

they're a bit grubby because they live in a bit wild. And I have to stand there with the flat of my hand with this corn on and let this peacock genuinely hurt me to prove that they don't hurt oh thanks so my hand it was like i'd gone over my hand um what did i say with it with a pin or something say a fork if i'd laid my hand flat and gone over the palm of it with a port with a fork and then robbed excrement into the wound that's's what I came away from there like. Like a steak hammer, maybe. Yeah, that to me is what parenthood is all about.

What if you've got rabies or something? Well, that could still happen. I've noticed that my courting ritual already is much more elaborate than it was on Monday. Oh, much more. You have got a brighter shirt on today as well. You've gone for the plumage. Yeah, it's got absolute radio purple. Yeah, yeah.

And how do you like these deely boppers I've bought? I love your deely boppers. Sparkly, aren't they? What about if I gradually morphed into a peacock? Oh, I'd love that. You'd have to think of a way to bring it on. I'll tell you what, there's a superhero story in this, isn't there? You don't have the

Spider-Man, but there's no peacock guy. No, do you know, that would make my day. And if there'd been an incident, say a criminal had been flown from it, you know, thrown off a 16th floor flat, something smashed, he could stand with his back to the crowd, spray the whole plumage out and say,

nothing to see here. Yes! Back over his shoulder. Dealey Bopper's catching the light. Nothing to see here, just move along. And they say, but what about your beautiful plumage? Never mind that. Never mind the plumage, move along.

If you were going to morph, I think you would be a very fine peacock. Thanks very much. I see them as, aren't they quite dandy-ish? Oh yeah, a bit Llewellyn Bowen. There's no shame in that. I would morph into a chihuahua. Okay.

Can you not see that? No? No, not so much. Okay. No. I think you're more stately than that. Am I? Oh, lovely.

Yeah, you don't get stately chihuahuas. No. No. Lioness? Yeah, I'll go lionesses. I hate lionesses. I do. This is Orcs, isn't it?

Why do you hate lionesses? Because the dress code for a lion clearly is Maine. That's one of their big badges of honour. Lionesses can't be bothered. Lovely waist, though. No, but they look like beige leopards. That's the point. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We've received a text from Robin Swanley that I should bring your attention to and then we'll sashay on. Good morning Frank and the team. Could I ask what on earth your script writers have been drinking this week and could I get a pint of it? Long time reader, first time writer, Robin Swanley.

What does that mean? I think the show's been wacky. Oh, has it been wacky? I think it's... I was aiming for zany. I think that review is the equivalent of, you know when people come back to see you post-gig and they say, well, did you enjoy it?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, Frank, what's the three worst things? Did you enjoy it? What was that thing that woman said? Well, you've done it again. Yeah. Oh, Frank, what's the three worst things? Did you enjoy it? What was that thing that woman said? Well, you've done it again. A woman said to Frank something like, I think you'll have a lot of fun with this show. Or what did she say?

She said something. Oh, it was awful. All you can say, just FYI, anyone, if you're friends with a comic, just say, you're amazing. Well, that was brilliant. I like. Yeah. I don't care if they say it with no...

Just, that was brilliant. Let's talk about something else. Fine. I'll ask you a question. I've always wanted to ask you this. Go on. May as well do it on air. Why not?

Do you think I'm good when I go back? In terms of, do you believe me, and do I say the right thing? Yes. I completely believe that every time you've seen me live, I've been brilliant, in your opinion. That's good. Let's leave it there. That is good. That is good, yeah. Yeah, you're good at it. I completely believe that every time you've seen me live, I've been brilliant, in your opinion. Let's leave it there. That is good.

That is good, yeah. Yeah, you're good at it. Thank you. But that might be because I'm brilliant. I've never seen you talking to someone who's rubbish backstage. Al, how do you find that? Very good. Come on.

Al, I'm always good with you as well. Yep, that's true. Yeah, yeah. What do you think Siri See when you want them Yeah Can't get him Can't get him up Can't get him

We've also had Lee texting Saying Frank my 8 year old son Has great pleasure saying to Siri You are stupid His reply is I try my best Thanks Lee I hate it when he gets noble

Siri Anyway He can't be taunted can he Can he No Thanks, Lee. I hate it when he gets noble, Siri. Anyway. He can't be taunted, can he? Can he? No. No, I don't think he could ever lose his temper. Oh, no, he's probably not even got a temper.

Oh, dear. He's probably got a tiny temper. He's a bit born again. Yeah. Siri. Oh, he's ever so reasonable. Yes. He's a bit like being in therapy. Siri has been

I don't know I want to speak to you about HRH holiday addict As the Daily Mail have dubbed her Beatrice, 26 Has had 11 money now What, Beatrice, 26? What's her surname, Beatrice?

Beatrice She's the one, can we just establish She's the one that turned up at William's wedding looking psychotic in that hat. No, I loved her. Yeah, I loved her. Her sister. Yeah.

The royal family rarely come into contact with the avant-garde, I think it's fair to say, so that was a brilliant... See, I love those sisters in that hat. Her name's Ferguson. Would her surname be Ferguson? Probably not, isn't it? No, York. York, darling.

She's actually called Beatrice York. Duke of York. Yeah, it must be. Brilliant. Of not, is it? No, York. York, darling. She's actually called Beatrice York. Yeah, it must be. Brilliant. Of York, or York? No, York. Like William Wales. Oh, really? See, Charles wears exactly the same stuff he wears. His outfit, like his jacket shirt,

is what he wore when he was 12. Yeah. He hasn't changed his look since he was about 12. He basically wears suits that look like he bought them during the abdication crisis. I always think that he wears dead man suits. That's what it looks like. It looks like those Oxfam suits.

I like that, though. If you think of how much time he's getting rid of that he could be wasting on, like, you know, clothes websites or walking around he hasn't got any spare time no no exactly every second counts frees up a lot of time for him to write angry letters to politicians and to like talk to his plants and do his other hobbies i don't think he does that anymore you don't know he's got. Do you know what I'm loving about the show this morning? It's what I'm going to call it, the ADHD show.

Because we're not staying on one topic. And I quite like that. It's a bit like an evening with me. I'm interested in Beatrice's holidays. She's been on how many holidays, Al? Eleven in six months. And the Daily Mail have made quite a lot of them. Two and a half a month. Well done. In her defence,

Yeah? it's a very fine line, isn't it? Working and being on holiday, if you're a member of the Royal Family. Yeah. You know, if you've said, oh, I've just done the two weeks in Kenya. Oh, it was it. It was a nice, it was a holiday. It was work. You know, I watched some children dancing and I shook hands with four

people. It was work, yes. So she probably doesn't know. It was a fine line. Most of those holidays she's perfectly unaware of. Also, when you're friends with people like, who's the steel magnet? Lakshmi Mittal, I believe his name is. He seems to laugh, doesn't he?

I didn't think he was. He's a steel magnet. He's like Peter Ustinov with those anecdotes. He doesn't do aluminium. That's what you're wondering. He's got the yacht. They all go on. He's very attractive.

The steel magnet. Yeah. Unless you don't like him, in which case he repels you, yeah? Oh, yeah. He does that as well. I wouldn't let him near my wristwatch. I'd put it that way. I don't mind her going.

I'll be honest with you. I don't. Look, what I'll be honest with you. I don't. Look, what's the point of being posh if you're not going to have 11 holidays in six months? If I was that rich, that's what I'd do. Well, what else are you going to do? What do they think she's going to do? Chocolate's on your pillow every night.

Hello. Yeah, but let's not get into... LAUGHTER You know, that's the trouble with holidays. What stays on holiday, etc. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So Beatrice, Princess Beatrice York, we think her name is,

who holidays quite a lot. Yeah. Plenty. She was doing a job, though, Frank. She was an intern, wasn't she? What is that? What is an intern, really? You must have interns, do you? Yes, we do.

So what they do is... it's work experience, essentially. Is there a magazine called Intern, which is about the bird world? Oh, there should be. Yeah. It's a great idea um so yeah the idea is that you're learning on the job when you're getting experience so are they paid yes oh yeah i think i believe it's legal not to pay them so we definitely pay them as far as okay okay okay no we do pay them but she gave up her job

in january i like the idea of handing in your notice. She flew back from St Bart's to hand in her notice as an intern. That's what I really liked. She came all the way back and then she went back to St Bart's. What, she was in hospital? Where is St Bart's? Is it a... Caribbean. Caribbean island.

I've never heard of that before in my life. Oh, it's where posh people go. St Bart's? Yes. Is that the name of an island? You've never heard of it? Look how much money you've made. You should be there all the time.

Are you crazy? If I had the amount of units you'd sold for that three lions, I'd never be off Metal Bird in the Sky. Honestly, I'd be holiday. I've been to St Bart's, but only the A&E. I don't think you go abroad enough for a man of your means. You know what? I'm not a big holidays person.

You're not? No. You're not? No. You're the opposite of Princess B. Yeah, when I read 11 holidays in six months, I thought, oh, God, rather her than me. All that packing and unpacking, she must be exhausted. Just having that thing in restaurants, having to say, what is there? What is this?

Oh, is that a hot dog? No, but what is it? I find that really... I hate that. Yeah, just imagine how often she's at the Bureau de Change all that time. Well, is that odd? No, but what is it? I find that really, I hate that. Yeah, just imagine how often she's at the Bureau de Change all that time. Well, there are places in Spain, Frank, where you can just get British food. There's big signs outside. I don't want to go there either. But I do. I don't like the foreign muck is essentially what you're saying. I'm happy to eat it if I know what it is. Oh, I'm not sure that you're spoiling us. You know, I don't want to order a French horn when I'm trying to eat it if I know what it is. Oh, I'm not sure that you're spoiling us. You know, I don't want to order a French horn

when I'm trying to get a cheese sandwich. That's the thing about it. Honestly, I find that so stressful. What was it like in the 70s? Anyway, if someone said to me, you can never go on holiday again, I'd get over it fairly quickly. I'd end my life.

Really? Oh, my God. If I had her money, I'd never be off TripAdvisor. That's. I'd end my life. Oh my God. If I had her money, I'd never be off TripAdvisor. That's all I'd be doing. You think she's going on TripAdvisor, reviewing her parents' £13 million ski chalet. That's funny. I don't, I don't know if you're

at all. Don't you? I used to watch those Bacardi ROM adverts when I was a youth. Do you remember those? Yes, but I love that that's your only touch point for hot exotic holidays. And I used to think, oh, it's too hot. It's too hot. And who wants to talk to those people

in their linen suits? I don't, I'd hate to be with the people. Jimmy Carr was on one of the holidays. Imagine that. Thanks. It's a joke. Um. He's a joke. He's paying her. I know he isn't.

What about... Thanks. What about Dave Clark, the boyfriend? Is he the one from the Dave Clark Five? He's old enough to be her grandfather. I believe he's no longer with us. No. He works for Virgin Galactic, which is handy. But then he's going to switch jobs.

If you're a lover on holiday. Virgin Galactic? Yes. So he could literally fly her to the moon. If you're a lover of holiday. Virgin Galactic? Yes. So he could literally fly to the moon. Well, not literally, but close. What about when I sat next to Richard Branson at a dinner and I asked if you could go on that spaceship? And he said, who is he?

No, he didn't. He knew who you were, I think. He'd pretend, but he has to pretend a lot. What did he say? No. No, he didn't say no. He didn't say no. He didn't say no. He said, oh, yeah, okay.

Is that a yes? That doesn't sound like a yes either. I don't know. I'd stand up in a court of law when I try and get a tiki. Anyway, you have to have three days weightlessness training. And it costs about 400,000. Yeah. I mean, no, but I'm imagining I'd get a comp.

That's what I'm guessing. God, since you have that pen. Oh, no, but I'm imagining I'd get a comp. That's what I'm guessing. God, since you had that pen. Oh, no, it's just gone complete. Where's Eugenie when all this is going on? Anyway, it's all gone a bit Horne and Corden. Well, she is working, isn't she? She was on, that was one of the holidays. She's working at an auction house in New York.

I bet she's pushed to the limit by that job. You often see her in the background on Homes Under the Hammer actually. Yeah, passing those Vermeers around. You will. Homes Under the Hammer and Sickle come the glorious day. Yes. Well, I don't remember which is which, but I like

to think of them as a double act. I think it's a shame they're doing so much separate work. I don't mean Horne and Corden, I mean Eugenie and Beatrice. Oh, Eugenie and Beatrice, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I always thought they were nice girls. I don't begrudge them a holiday.

Well, I don't. Stuff they have to put up with. Oh, yeah. Frank, you know the other breakfast shows get to go on holiday? They do the show from Australia and New York. Do they? How come we only go to the George Formby convention in Blackpool?

Well, they've asked me. That's the only one I've said yes to. Holidays for me is like eating salad. I'll do it if I have to, but I know I'm not going to love it. Do you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where's Charlie gone? It's all gone a bit Princess Beatrice. Charlie's gone for coffee, I should say that. We sit here like the last days of the Raj. Parched, aren't we? I've had a bit of a blast from the past this week uh ladies and

gentlemen i i was given by my mother a certificate from not not one not two good son certificate no i wish but 25 years old certificate this is and it is in Shotokan Karate, which I used to do quite a lot of. And it's, um, it really it isn't the black belt one, it's the one before that. It's the brown belt called First Q. The K-Y-U.

What's that for karate? Oh, it's not Dan then? No, that's when you get to the black belt. But the Japanese have a system, which I didn't realise, but it's, um... Oh, I knew the Japanese had Japanese have a system, which I didn't realise, but it's not just... Oh, I knew the Japanese had a system. No, but I didn't realise it wasn't just martial arts. They have levels of attainment called KYU, Q. I know that Q.

You can work up to first Q in tea ceremonies or flower arranging or whatever. Q gardens. Yeah, exactly. Very good. Yes. And so I've got my... I found this 25-year-old certificate. But it is a martial art. Or a few gardens. Yeah, exactly. Very good. Yes. And so I've got my, I found this 25-year-old certificate. But it is a martial art. It is, yeah.

Yeah, but you have it in judo as well. Well, karate is. So 25 years ago, you were a brown belt level. Yeah. Could you kill a man? No. No.

Can I be honest? Eventually. I was a white belt. You were a white belt. Yeah. That's the first level. It's quite a self-important little certificate. My name is spelt incorrectly, Alan, Alan Cochran.

And it says, upon recommend of all faculty members, British Shukh, the Kankrati Association, hereby confers first cue upon Alan Cochran. It was really straining, it was dying to go into it. I was doing my best not to. But it made me realise, what certificates have I got in my life? I don't think I've got... I think I've probably had, like, two more since then,

and they've both been driving-related. Really? Yeah, I don't think I've got any. Well, what about... I mean, I've got my degrees. I've got so many. Can I just... In case anyone didn't get the plural.

I've got my degrees. You're so proud't get the plural. I've got my degrees. You're a wash with them, aren't you? You've got that many that you have to... You've got a whole full-scat file, haven't you? Well, I've got two real and two honorary. Have you? Yeah. That's good, isn't it?

Like buses, aren't they? Well, the two real, I'm... The two honorary, I mean... Do you want to know what I've got? It's a dirty word, isn't it? Honorary. It is a little bit. That's why Anna Blattman never married Sean Connery. I've got so many, Frank.

Have you? Certificates or degrees? Yeah. Do you know white belt? You do get a certificate. Played for piano. 50 metres. Road safety badge. I'll tell you the one I'm most proud of. Honestly, this is true.

I've got a certificate for opening a champagne bottle with a sword. What? That is absolutely true. That is a good certificate. It's called Savouring, and I got it in Mauritius. That's excellent. That makes me feel like a loser, that. I've only got that one, and, you know...

Well, I got one arrived in the post for climbing the monument in London. The monument is a it's a monument to the Great Fire of London Something like ten people died in the Great Fire of London strangely and apparently more people

have died jumping off the monument celebrating but I got this thing congratulating me on climbing all the stairs to the top, even though I'd never done that. You hadn't done it? No. And I realised it was Lisa Tarbuck had done it as a joke. She'd gone off, she'd climbed it and put my name on there.

I went through. She also once sent me a letter I didn't know it was from her it was on a hotel news hotel writing paper, what do they call it? notepaper

and it was a letter from the manager thanking me during the fire I had entertained all the guests as they had huddled on the car park frightened and alarmed in the cold i'd done an impromptu concert for them something that had never happened but it's a yeah oh you're regular steve penks you too aren't you well it was uh the laughs never stop i don't really know but it was very very enjoyable

things to get a little confusing but isn't life? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a text Dear Frank and team

re-allan certificate I think the word Q-K-Y-U is pronounced K-O. Oh. Coincidentally, my youngest son is taking his black belt exam this afternoon. Good luck to him. Aye.

Good luck to him. Let's hope that he's in full health, unlike me when I sat my brown belt while suffering from horrendous diarrhoea. True story. Oh. And I think I may have discussed this before, but when you have got diarrhoea, true story. And I think I may have discussed this before, but when you have got diarrhoea, the last thing you want to do with your day

is to publicly perform high kicks in white pyjama trousers. I think we can all agree on that. Alan, this is horrible. Remember Mel C told me that same thing? I had to do my snooker certificate when I was 14, and I left brown on the bottom cushion. Why? I've also got a little bit of Cochrane up there.

Oh, can I just remember the certificate I've got? I got one from the Umbrella Hat Society. Do you remember that? Yes, you did! I'd forgotten about that as well. Oh, I was so proud of you. Yeah, well, there aren't many of us that still believe. A lot of people have dismissed the umbrella hat as some sort of gimmick.

That's true, and I count myself in that group. Yeah, well, I don't see you people. I, er, I would like a first aid one. That's been on my to-do list for all my life. Oh, I've got one of them as well. No. I'd like a first aid certificate. I think I'm doing a bumps and bruises course in the future. I'd like to be

a fire marshal at Absolute Radio. Oh. Because I think I'm good in a crisis. Yeah. I reckon. I know where Hive is. If I was a martial arts person like you, I'd do first aid because you're able to lose your temper, destroy someone, and then think

oh I feel a bit bad about that and then you can bring them back that would be good yeah but I did it, me and my girlfriend went and did a one of those courses, life saving courses and I've got a certificate to say I can do it, I can't remember one damn thing we did

all I have to do is just fan them with the certificate. Yeah. That's the trouble, isn't it? Once you get that knowledge, with great power comes great responsibility. Yeah. You might have to actually rescue somebody.

Also, well, it was soured for me, because at the end of it, the man gave us a... I must have told you this. It was like an oval, like a polythene oval thing with a hole in it. Oh. And I said, what is that? That sounds rather tawdry. It says it's a

it's a tramp mask. So he said, if ever you had to give a tramp the kiss of life, he wouldn't want to put your face next to it. And I thought, oh my god, is that what? Well, judge ye not. You were borderline tramp once. Yeah, but I wouldn't mind nozzling up to any tramp.

If I could help them in any way. Not the first time you've said that in your life. Exactly, and there's not much room in those cardboard boxes. Especially when the others are standing around going, in a circle, lighting to the brazier, flickering against his haunted face. We are still on air, aren't we? Sorry, we're still on air.

Sorry, I thought I pressed that button. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I've also been travelling a lot by choo-choo train. I'd say in the last three weeks I've got loads of trains. I'm like Beatrice in many regards. I've always thought that.

I don't suppose she got many trains. The raiders can't see your hat this morning. But it is bizarre. I'll tell you something, though. She would not do well on rail travel. This is something I have noticed. And I'm not anti-posh. Some of my best friends are posh.

Are they? Yeah, some friends have got posh. But the very posh really do not seem to thrive on public transport by rail. It seems to perplex them. They get a bit confused. They can't work the doors to the toilets. How dare you? They stand looking like they're pressing the wrong bit of the wall for the button to get the door open and stuff you don't notice

this they just seem a bit i don't know they seem a bit like that i heard a young couple and i had to stop i had to move seats because i was laughing out loud at them they were saying things like i mean how much was that it's only a one bed isn't it i? I think it was £990,000, but Steve paid £1.2 million. And you think, shush. But that's the joy of trains. That's why I don't understand the quiet carriage thing. I'm just listening to other people talking. It's such a joy.

I'm really happy for someone called Steve that he's got £1.2 million. Yeah, maybe it wasn't Steve. It might have been Farr. It's Giles. It could have been. It could have been. I also had a very, very minor fracas. Clarkson-esque fracas. It was so over money, wasn't it? There was, um, well, tell me if what I did was...

I bet it was over shortbread. The free shortbread. I'll tell you what it was over, Frank. He was trying to sit in first class. Tell me if what I did was wrong. There was a very small queue at Manchester. A queue or a quahog? A quahog.

Oh, okay. And there was a woman in front of me who was waiting for the, like, there's different machines, the Virgin Trains machine

where you, where I wanted my ticket from. And there was some smaller machines next to that. Nice. So this woman was waiting and there was a gentleman standing next to that. Nice. So this one was waiting,

and there was a gentleman standing right in front of the Virgin machine, not using it, just looking through his tickets and looking at his wallet, and I thought, oh, he's probably going to buy another ticket, that's why he's still there, even though he's not using the machine. And then he kept on, and he's just looking at the stuff. So eventually, I tapped him on the shoulder and said,

excuse me, is the reason you're doing that there? Are you about to use... I might have said, are you about to use the machine again? That's what I meant, was are you about to use the machine again? His response was, don't be so nasty! Why are you being so nasty? And I said, well, I'm not being nasty. Can I say I love him?

He reacted very badly to it. But also tapped on the shoulder by a black belt in karate. He didn't know that, do I? I don't exactly know what he felt. Do you do tap in at all? Just tap on the shoulder. Yeah, it was a very small... I've told you before, don't get involved in fights.

You look handsome at the moment. I don't get involved in fights. And the black belt in karate was from 25 years ago. So how did you resolve it? I decked him. No, go on. No, I didn't. He walked off saying, don't be so nasty.

Really? Yeah, I just thought, I wasn't being nasty. I said, oh, you should see me when I am nasty. I'm horrible. That was the end of the conversation. It's an odd approach to take. It was an odd contretemps. Yeah.

I was... I would have found that irritating. What, me doing. I was... I would have found that irritating. What, me doing that? Yes, I would have found you irritating in that instance. I only had like a three-minute turnaround to buy a train ticket. Tapped on the shoulder. That's not my problem. It's the tapping on the shoulder, though, as well.

Yeah, it's the tapping. Yeah, but I just thought, all right, he might say, I'm about to buy another ticket, in which case that's fine. But if not, then you can move away from the queue, can't you, and let people in. But I think there's a general sort of etiquette. If you tap someone on the shoulder, you always go to that padded bit at the seam. You don't go straight onto the bone.

I went quite high neck. No, you see that? You were half an inch away from a Vulcan death grip. That's what I was aiming for, really, yeah. He's probably worried that you were a commando. I was going commando. Oh, yeah, congratulations. It's probably worried that you were a commando. I was going commando. Oh, yeah, congratulations. It's always good on a train.

You know, open the window, let the air get in. That's what I say. I was on Euro... What's it called? Yes. Eurovision. Eurostar. I wasn't on Eurovision. I'd love it if you were on Eurovision.

Can you imagine Frank representing the UK? I was on... It could happen. I still dream of a Bond theme. I was on Euro thing, and I got on with my girlfriend, and there was a bloke sitting in the seat I booked for her. Oh. And I said, I think you're in her seat. He said, what do you mean, her seat?

There's many seats. And I said, I know there's many seats, but this is the one I've booked. Well, just sit somewhere else. And I said, I know there's many seats, but this is the one I've booked. Well, just sit somewhere else. And I said, no, no, we won't be doing that. You'll be sitting somewhere else. And he said, I have been travelling on trains for 35 years. This has never...

I said, did you miss your stop? And there was laughs. You did material. You didn't do material. I got laughs from people in the next carriage where the door was open. Because it was such a... And I was... He was...

After that, of course, he was finished. He was wiped out by comedy. So there's no need for violence, kids, if you're listening. Comedy, that's what sorts things out. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had an email in, and you've been talking about unfortunate incidents on trains, and one of our readers has had such an incident. Hi Frank, Em and Alan.

I have to relay to you an unfortunate incident arising from listening to last week's podcast. I was on the train to Leeds from London listening to the podcast when Frank mentioned a website called Women With Large Jaws. Naturally, I thought I would take a look and started to enter it into Google. Just at that point, I had a female voice asking if I would like something off the trolley. I looked up to see an attractive young trolley hostess and said no thanks but realized she was looking straight at my phone where i where i had just typed women with large i could just tell from her eyes she was thinking filthy creep i wanted to shout out no you don't understand but it was too late worse still as i got off the train she was standing

by the door i had to hide my head and shame that's from mick see i had to go i had typed in iqs why she was there oh well done yeah well that's unfortunate because the jaws site is um strange but completely respectable completely well it's women with big jaws where's the harm in that no no but what were you looking for when you got there? I'll tell you what I was looking for. Who types that in? I'll tell you how I got there. I'd had a slight... I lost... I lost... I thought...

This sounds such a lie already. You've taken too long to get there. I thought I... I thought Madonna wasn't in that... What's that little Bad News Bears little league thing? League of their own? Yeah. I thought that she wasn't in it.

Someone said to me she was in it, and she was in it. But Gina Davis was also in it. Yes. And on the Gina Davis bit, she was listed in the Women With Big Jaws website, so then I went there. Oh, I see, OK. Madonna wasn't, but Madonna was in it.

How long did it take you to come up with that story for Cathy? Yeah. Exactly. I was looking up women with big jaws, okay? Get over it. It was a miss. I'm actually putting women with big drawers. It was a 1950s Google search engine.

Was it Ask James? It was Ask Churchill. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I tell you what we haven't mentioned this morning, this is one of my favourite stories. This is one of my favourite stories. This is one of my favourite stories.

Country formerly known as Burma. Do I sound a bit Sky Newspapers? No. This Chinese man, Mr Yuan, from Changsha, in the Hunan province. Yeah. He got into some terrible trouble this week.

This is the car crash, mate. Well, yeah. He ended up in hospital. He had a car crash and 17 girlfriends turned up. It was like you in 1996, Frank. Can you say that? Yes. Well, the moral of this story, I think, is... Well, first of all, they didn't know about each other.

No. Not at all. Not at all. But why did the doctors doctors were there 17 different doctors surely after you contacted one you wouldn't keep contacting the others well how did they contact them when they said that they contacted his loved ones

how did they get these 17 names has he got a loved ones is he the most thorough form filler in her ever when he says next of kin or who to contact in an emergency, does he get out little rolodex out and goes, okay, number one. I liked what one of them said.

She said, I started seeing more and more beautiful girls showing up. I couldn't cry anymore. That's like me at London Fashion Week. Well, and me. Yeah. And me, alright. Also, if you knew you were on Well, and me. Yeah? And me, all right. But how did they...

Also, if you knew you were on that Rolodex thing, you really want to have a look at the running order. Absolutely. Yeah, I bet number one's still fine with him. Probably Siri spilled the beans. If you're looking for his girlfriend, I have 17 names. Thanks, Siri. How did he find the time, 17?

Oh, honestly. Is it called Siri? That's two and a half a day. Is it called Siri in China? Thanks. Sorry. That's a perfectly reasonable question. 17 girlfriends. Could you handle that, Alan Cochran?

I've got so many books unfinished that I just, I couldn't imagine that level of time management. I just, where's his spare time? He must be constantly... If you think, that's nearly two and a half women a day. Wow. Well, that's it. I don't know how you could... What do you think, Frank? Well, you know, the Chinese, they invented gunpowder and fireworks. They're thrill seekers.

Yeah. And that's what it was all about. I don't know 17 people's names. How can you remember them all? Yeah. And that's what it was all about. I don't know 17 people's names. How can you remember them all? Yeah. And that's three names each, remember. Is it? Yeah, that's 51 names he had to... Yeah. Good on the arithmetic there. Oh, yeah. Well, that's in the list.

You get Siri to do that for you. No. I knew a man once, he was seeing two women, and they were both called Lindsay, a man I work with. Oh, that's good. He said it just makes it so much easier. Yeah, that's good.

And one fella as well, called Lindsay. I think he was seeing Alec Lindsay, the former Liverpool defender. Nobody got into trouble. I'm afraid it backfired. Because he got a phone call once, and the secretary, as we called him in those days, picked up the phone and she went, Oh, hi, Lindsay, he's just gone to meet you at the train station. Oh. Oh. Wow. But she got fired.

She'd have met a good Mormon. And I don't say that every day of the week. Mr Juan. This guy. Juan, I believe you pronounce it. American comic called Ray Hanna told me that he lived next door to a Mormon. They were very, very strict.

And that the Mormon said to him that they were so strict that they never had the physical standing up in case it led to dancing. Is that right? I really hope it's true. I mean, in the non-Mormon culture, it works the other way, doesn't it? Dancing can sometimes lead to the... Yeah, I think that, you could argue, is the basis of the joke.

Yeah. Good night. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. The Chinese man who had the car crash, though, I should say to him that things might look bad now, you know, post-car crash, but I had a text only yesterday that said, and I quote,

£3,886.41 is waiting for me for the accident I had. I had, I think, virtually the same text. Yeah. Yeah, I think mine was a little lower figure, but I think I was probably less... I think mine was a worse accident. I mean, it's so bad I don't even remember it. I've just blocked it out.

What about when you were driving someone and he was criticising your driving and you said oh to be fair I've got more to lose than you. I mean awful. Not something I'd ever say on air. Too late now. You did about four weeks ago. Did I?

Is there anything I don't say on air anymore? No, not a lot. Swear words but other than there anything I don't say on here anymore? No, not a lot. Swear words, but other than that. I don't do swearing anymore. Really? No, not really. Good for you. Frank, how much was your amount for? Just as there's any kids listening, I'm trying to be a good mum. I got it. My amount was for £388.46.

Was that yours as well? £386.41. That's what I had. Isn't it weird that both got the same? Have you sent your bank details yet? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I'm still waiting to hear from them, but I'm hoping it's going to come through. Well, I mean, I think they're rushed off their feet. I feel short-changed. I think I was in, like, the high 2000s. That's not right, is it? That is not. Or was the bridesmaid? I think as they're making it up,

they give everyone the same amount. They're a different individual. I've been hoaxed this week, by the way, on that topic. Have you? What happened? Pranked? I bought an app. Well, I bought an app. Yeah? Oh, well done. Thanks. I might send you a photo of this, actually, for the website.

Oh, why not? You have a lot of apps, don't you? You're one of the most high app users that I know. Yeah, but if I look at my apps, like I've got... Just looking at this page now, I've got Suzanne, which is a collection of Suzanne paintings. Oh, I thought it was Suzanne. It was going to be one of those car crash stories.

No, no. The gods of women were going to turn up. I love that he's called Suzanne. I've got the Tale of Two Cities app, which is the entire text of the Dickens... Oh, everyone's got that. That's like Angry Birds, isn't it? Yeah, exactly.

Then I've got Samuel Johnson quotes. Yeah, who doesn't? Who Guide. Mm-hm. That's the Doctor Who, not the Who Yeah, I'm not at the Angry Birds end Have you got Candy Crush?

I don't have that, no I always sit like this But What I have got, which I Which I bought into this week £1.49, which in app In the app world is big money. Don't talk to Alan.

He never spent money on an app. He likes the free ones. Yeah, well, this one I paid for straight out. I didn't go through the temporaries. I went straight into the £1.49. It's called Poetry News Updates. What? What have you had then?

That's what I've had. He's just shown me a blank page. I've been signed on for nearly two weeks. There has been no poetry news at all in those two weeks. To be fair, most of them are dead now. When you signed up for that, did you think it was going to be news about poetry? What else would it be? What did you think it was going to be?

Spotted Shelley in the Arndell Centre. No, I thought it might be the news in poetry form. So, you know. If it if it was well to be honest at this stage i'd be happy with that what it is is i'm playing 149 for a blank page yeah but that's because it's poetry it's all existential probably trying to work out what to rhyme with election that could get blue um i mean come on miss No, but it was supposed to be... Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Parr. Like, poetry news.

It was supposed to be, you know, what's happening in the world of poetry, and I thought that would be interesting to know about. Well, what sort of news were you expecting? Well, for example, who's won Santa Prize where someone is speaking at the moment? Oh, £1.49 to find that out. What's wrong with Google?

Well, I didn't get that. Nothing. It hasn't even... And I'll tell you what I hate about it. Can someone raise their voice even higher? Yeah, but this is what I... When I switch to this page, I can't get down. I can't get down.

I'm trapped. This is what happened to Pasquale. It does that thing. You know when the little thing goes round? What do they call it? Rendering, is it? Oh, the rendering. It does that. Buff it, um, you know when the little thing goes round, what do they call it, rendering, is it? Oh, the rendering. It does that sort of thing. Buffering, buffering, buffering.

Here comes the news, here comes the news. Nothing. Oh. You'd think it'd say something. Do you know what? Roger McGough appearing on Radio 4 this evening, that sort of thing. Yeah, exactly, poetry, yeah, poetry please on Radio 4 tonight.

You've basically been conned, I'm afraid. I like that someone bothered to set up a con and it was sent in a round of poetry apps. Yeah, what kind of con man thinks, I know, I know what'll wreck us a few quid. What about if we invent an app? What do you think, Jamie? Poetry News Update? Got it in one. Got it in one, Paul. It's probably the same people that did that diamond heist. This was number two on there. Exactly.

Poetry news app. Yeah, well, let's face it. We're not making enough from poetry news updates. So you fancy a diamond job? It's so strange. What kind of a scam? What kind of a scan? That's what I want to know.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Got some email poetry news for you, Frank. Oh, yeah? John Cooper Clarke is supporting Squeeze in an upcoming UK tour. P.S. You owe me £1.50.

49. John Cooper Clark! He does all the voices. He does all the voices, ladies and gentlemen. Great hair, as well. Marvellous. I need to talk to you about my week. I've had quite an action-packed week. I've got a lot to report.

Firstly, I went to the zoo on bank holiday. That's where I was on my bank holiday. Oh, so I was going in... With my nieces. I was going in PECT and doing Catherine Parr research. You were at London Zoo? Yes, London Zoo. London Zoo.

Never been. Is it good? Oh, is it good? Not really. No, it is good. There's a four-year-old and a 13-year-old, so it's hard to find the common ground. What, the elephants? No.

Oh, OK. But I felt this was a good thing that they could both enjoy. Yes, they love the animal world, kids. Yeah, I know. And I decided to invest in the fast-track tickets. Oh. Because you know I love a VIP entrance. Throw money at the problem, even at the zoo.

Well, the Fast Track tickets, let me tell you, they're only £3 extra each, a ticket. Hmm. You could have got two Poetry News update apps for that. Per person. Two blank... Yes, per person. Mind you, I suppose you were thinking you've got all that money coming after your accident. Well, exactly, £3,866.41p. Exactly.

What's three pounds to a woman of my means? Exactly. Nickels and dimes. So you skip the queues and you feel like a proper VIP. Not one person there. What are the queues? It's a man in high viz. But what are the queues?

For the zoo, for the regular zoo. Just to buy the ticket, it says about a two-hour queue. Is there? Yes, I bought them online, VIP. Anyway, you don't want to know about the VIP entrance all morning. When you go through, did somebody in the queue go, Cheater, and then the cheaters were just round the corner? No.

No, but that would have been excellent material. Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Parr. We saw the monkeys first, because they do the monkeys right at the beginning, don't they? Don't they? See, I would hold the monkeys back. They're the best bit, aren't they? No, but you see, I think, because they're a crowd pleaser, they lure you in, don't they? Big opener. I'd have them on the turnstiles.

We went straight for the monkeys. I lifted the four-year-old up. She said, stop lifting me up! Okay. Which I thought was a bit ungrateful. You know, that's the first of all, them against the bars. But the thing I found most depressing was her obsession with the farmyard animals.

I don't know if you found this with the junior cockerels, I don't know if you found this with Buzz, but, you know, I had to say to her at one point, the obsession with the pigs, she said, can we see the pigs? I mean, there's camels, there's all sorts going on. I broke, eventually. I said, I've just spent 30 bucks a ticket.

I'm not hanging out with the pigs all day. The pigs shouldn't even be in the zoo. No. Well, that's what I think. It should be in a farm. Farm. Farm. They had a fight, terrible fight.

They were going at each other. The pigs? Yes, it was awful. Oh, well, that makes it, that's different. If they had pig fighting. It was like a Birmingham pub. It was awful. 30 quid a head they had pig fighting 30 quid a head. It was like a Birmingham pub. It was awful.

30 quid a head for pig fighting sounds like a bargain now you put it like that. Birmingham pub they have pig fighting and you eat the loser. It's a lovely day out. I said to her

she said I don't like them fighting I said do you know what I said it's fine I said do you think they'll make up? She went no I don't. No. I think she's probably right.

It's a nice... It's the sort of flip side of Peppa Pig, isn't it? Yeah, they thought... Watching two mud-covered, hairy boars. I say boars. Boars. Going at each other like that. I spent £15 on a tiger.

She played with a stick she found on the ground. This is what happens with these children. Yeah. It's a toy tiger, I'm guessing. Was it? Yeah, it was. You tiger, I'm guessing. Was it? Yeah, it was. You can't buy the animals. Not that price.

I think everything's got its price. If you went in there and said, how much do you want for that giraffe? I think if it was a real offer, it would be considered, wouldn't it? Yeah. I mean, what kind of money are you going to say? Stick your neck out.

I bet they deliver. The gorillas, though, very overrated, Frank. Do you think? They just sleep. It was like watching Britain's Fattest Man sleeping. Well, that's the problem with zoos, is the animals are not, they don't always join in. That's why I've gone off zoos.

Join in? I've never seen such lazy specimens. They might have been thinking it's a bank holiday. They should have done. Elvis' manager, Colonel Tom Parker, used to do a thing at the fair called The Dancing Chickens. Oh, yeah.

And it used to be a hot plate covered in sawdust. And they used to stand on that, so they used to jump up and down because it was so hot. Yeah. I think if they had, like, one under most of the animal things.

I, um... Stop from sleeping on it. We're going to get texts and emails about that. No, well, my actual thing is I think I'd probably abandon zoos. I used to love zoos and I went to Berlin Zoo and it was so depressing. Why was it depressing?

The animals all looked like they were imprisoned. One could argue that they are. And I felt, afterwards, I just felt unclean. I'd been inan. Hmm. Well, I'd been in with her pigs.

Someone had to separate them. They'd have killed each other. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I need to tell you what happened on Tinder.

Are you familiar with Tinder? Is that the, um... The dating app. I'm thinking of Grindr. Carry on. Mm-hm. No, Tinder's the straight one. Although I believe gay people use Tinder as well.

Do they? Yeah. Well, I think a lot of gay people go on Tinder if they're looking for an LTR. Long-term... Relationship, exactly. Because Grindr tends to be more for the casual hook-ups. STR, short-term romance.

Lovely word for it. So I helped a friend on Tinder, this male friend of mine. He was interested in a lady. He was swiping. You see, that's what you do on Tinder, Frank. You just say yes or no. Swiping is not a euphemism. You just move along.

It's harsh, though, isn't it? In case you were thinking it was a hot day. Just based on one photograph, that's it. Yes or no. I think that's fair enough. Because people put their best photo though, isn't it? In case you were thinking it was a hot day. Just based on one photograph, that's it. Yes or no? I think that's fair enough because people put their best photo on, don't they? Yeah. Everybody's got one good photo. People touch them up as well like they go on Photoshop and make them

That's how it goes. He'd seen this girl, she'd swiped him so she'd expressed interest based on his photograph. Good start. Well, it's a great start. So I said, look, he said, I don't know what to message her. I said, let me help you. I can take care of this.

I'll compose a message. I'm very good at this kind of thing. So I spent a while. He said, you just write it and let's leave it to you. So I didn't really know what to say, but I think people are so sleazy on these dating sites and it's not nice. And I thought, why don't you just try a more traditional approach?

So I said, I'll write it. So I said, I think you look really nice in your picture. That was all. I think that's quite a nice message. Did she text back, what's your first language? No, she never texted back at all after she got that message.

And he's very angry with me and he says I ruined it for him because I made him sound like a weirdo. I don't think you should have put in your picture in block capital. If someone messaged you that, wouldn't you think that was nice? I think you look very nice in your picture. He said it sounded a bit weird. I suppose it's got a sort of Hemingway-esque. It's got a sort of simplicity to it that's a bit worrying, I think.

I think you're right, Alan. It does sound a bit like Englishingway-esque. It's got a sort of simplicity to it that's a bit worrying, I think. I think you're right, Alan. It does sound a bit like English as a second language. OK. But, you know, look at my dating advice. Leave one direction. Yeah. I mean, that hasn't gone so well. What else?

What else about your week? Well, I've got a new bedtime drink. Vodka. No, not vodka. What are you on? That's more of a breakfast thing, I find. I've discovered the best thing for me to drink at the end of the night, and it actually helps me get a good night's sleep,

is a glass of Lucozade. What? Yes. No, it can't be. An energy drink? What's that? Right before bed? But that's sugar.

I know, but I don't want my levels to drop. And I like to talk all night. I don't like to be quiet. I don't like to be quiet for a minute. What, you're in sleep? I just like talking. Chatting away? Yeah, I just chat away.

Sleep's such a waste of time. There's so much I've got to say. I do agree with that. It's a lovely pick-me-up If I could get sleep down to an hour Don't you have a little bedtime drink? What do you have? Night nurse, I have Night nurse, yeah, that does the trick

I have a Red Bull and a double espresso That's what I'm on Yeah, that's a good idea I really find that helps me nod off I'm going to start having that The problem with night nurse is if I off I'm going to start having that The problem with night nurses If I dream I'm operating heavy machinery Yeah

It can be quite dangerous You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio I was You know when people Recommend a TV series to you Yes You don't like that, do you?

Well, we often do, and then we get slammed down. Sometimes it can be a learning thing. It's always good to learn from others. Really? I was in the bookshop recently, and the lady in there said, have you ever read Vikram Seth's The Golden Gate? A novel entirely written in poetry.

Oh. And I said, well, I didn't know about it because... LAUGHTER ..my app's not working. But anyway, I bought it on the strength of her recommendations. What about that? Lovely. It's good.

Anyway, so... Give my love to Mrs Seth. Well, old Marceph. So this, it came from two different sources. They said, you've got to watch this. You'll absolutely love it. It's brilliant, life-changing, etc. So I tuned in.

It's a Sky programme. It's called The Jinx. Yes. Do you know it? I watched the first episode. So I thought, oh, I'm all set. So I sat down to watch it, and Kath's very excited because the people who've recommended it is Kath.

We should say this isn't a drama, it's kind of a documentary. Yeah, exactly. Is it? Yeah, Kath... Procedural. People whose opinion Kath values, so she was very excited to see it. So we sat down. Starts off dragging a torso at the... Oh torso that was on my favorite bit at the river

right and then some um bin liners with stuffing rick and rack and i said to kath i'm really sorry but if if i watch this i'm gonna have nightmares how old are you i honestly can't watch it it's too the last time i tried to sit down to watch a Sky thing, it was Fortitude, when a polar bear bites somebody's leg off in the first mini. What they need to learn is the art of preamble. There should be, not preamble in, but there should be, I mean,

I think Torso in the River, episode two at the very early, get people in. There's got to be a ramp to the Torso, hasn't there? Yes. Just like a version of having the monkeys as soon as you get in the zoo. It is. It's sort of like, oh, here we go. It is. You don't want the Torso cage near the turnstiles.

It's a bit of a spoiler. I'm fine with it. So I said, I can't, it'll give me a nightmare. And she said, oh, but, you know, I've been told it's brilliant. And I said, well, look, you watch it, I'll go to bed. I can't cope. And she said, no, no, no, no, no, we'll watch something you want to watch. Oh, don't you love it when women do that?

Yeah. Cricket. So I went to bed and I did have a dream about murder. Oh, yeah. Now, the dream was slightly different. What do you make of this? I dreamt that I'd killed someone and only

Kath knew that I'd killed them but she absolutely insisted that we went to the police about it and I was saying why? I'm not going to kill anyone else I love your confidence

that you're not going to kill anyone else think of the hassle not going to kill anyone else. Why? Think of the think of the hassle. Yeah. Of going to the police. Just some paperwork. Absolutely insistent. Do you think that would happen in real life? Would she make you go to the police? I think she would. Well funny

you should say that because I did. I killed someone at a fair in um in 2002. Yeah, but that was a Hell's Angel. She's never actually gone to the police, but every time we have an argument, it's hanging over me. Do you know what I mean?

Like the Sword of Damocles. Yeah. Which I think there's a new version of that coming out in iambic pentameter, but the news hasn't come through. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I was asked a question by my nearly three-year-old this week. And I was looking forward to the question stage.

You know, he's at the asking question stage. So I thought, I've got an answer for everything. And I'm caring. All right. You know, it'll be an educational thing. I'll enjoy that. I'll enjoy the role of teacher in it all. Yes.

So we were in the bathroom and he said to me... Did he say, why did you say bath? No, he didn't say that. He has said similar things. He said to me, what colour is the mirror? Oh, that is a tricky question. That was tricky. That's very poetry-aff, isn't it?

It is, but I couldn't... I said, well, if you hold a red thing in front of it, it's red. He said, no, but what colour is the mirror? I couldn't... I had to change the subject. Yeah, they can really hurt your head, those thoughts, can't they? So if anyone knows what colour the mirror is... Let us know. I'll send you a picture of it.

Oh, yeah. We've had an email entitled Unfortunate thing to happen on a train. Did we be reading this? Is it about a derailment? No, it's a question earlier. Oh, God. You know.

So subtle, I am putting it. Oh, God. You know. So subtle are you putting it? People being daft on trains. Hi, I was sitting on a train once and my attention was grabbed by an old lady with a box of Tic Tacs. She was tapping the box at the top, trying to get one of the sweets to fall into her other hand. This went on for some minutes

with no sweet issuing forth. Then she tapped the box at the same time as the train jolted, which caused every single sweet to come out of the packet. Quite unfortunate, as she then spent the rest of the hour-long journey trying to put all the sweets back into the packet one at a time with her shaky hands and the uneven train. By the way, I would have offered to help, but if you've ever tried putting Tic Tacs back in their box,

you will know it is very much a one-man job. And also, you don't want someone else doing it. No. I wouldn't be happy with that. She doesn't want a stranger pawing at her Tic Tacs, does she? No. I went from Birmingham to Crewe once. Oh, congratulations.

Good story. I had a 34 train and I drank a bottle of Pernod. You did not. I am. I've never had more leg room on a train. Unfortunately, I couldn't use my legs. so that's why it's still on me. There's a little tip there, if you don't like overcrowding on trains, you're a regular commuter. I'm so glad I know Frank 2.0.

Yeah, exactly. The poetry app, Frank. Oh, someone's texted us about this. 576, Frank, you signed up for poetry but got blank verse. Oh, that is good. That is good. I was hoping then you were going to say, oh, you haven't pressed the ooh-ooh button.

No, you've been ripped off. Oh, OK. Yeah. But if I'd pressed the ooh-ooh button and then loads of poetry news had come through in a great big gobbit, that would have been exciting. Well, if anyone out there knows about apps and things, can you help me out with poetry news updates?

Because this can't be it. Is this it? Oh, dear. So, what does Leah say of Tom O'Bedlam? He's man but this. And that's what I'm asking about the poetry updates. Lovely inclusive quote for the end of our show. I think so.

I've only read next adverts, which have been the least professional thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know. No, exactly. Yeah, there was that run in Wigan. Oh, my God. So anyway... Let's finish it.

Yeah, let's finish it. So thank you so much for listening. It's a good Lord Spares Us and the Creeks Don't Rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.