The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Skinny Wrists

Episode Date: February 7, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Who has the skinniest wrists and what's happened to blotting paper - just two of the questions that came up on this week's show. Also Frank tells the team about what he's missing on TV and his trip to an ink museum.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran at my side. Well, they're actually the other side of the desk, trust me. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio

website. Morning, Frank. How you doing? I'm great. Hey. Morning, Jim. Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Still reeling from last night's Celebrity Big Brother. Stayed up a bit later than I normally stay up on a Friday.

I'll be straight with you. Oh, yeah. I watched some of it. What did you think of the exits? I think A.T. Hopkins won. Did you? I think Jordan got voted in because people love her. She could have come in yesterday afternoon and still won. Do you know what I mean? She's very popular.

But for contribution to the house, you need a real nightmare in that house. Oh, yeah, and on this show. Yeah. Well, do you mean? So, I'll tell you, I went to a museum this week. Did you? And it was themed.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was... They often are, in fairness. Well, are they? Things like the V&A, you wouldn't say that was themed, would you? Oh, but... British Museum, themed? Don't think so.

Horniman. Horniman's collection. I am. I like Frank's... Oh, sorry, I thought you were complimenting me. I like Frank's UKIP approach to the British Museum. Yeah, but, you know, it's not... But this was a...

Science museum. This was a museum of ink. Okay. What? Ink. That's What? Ink. That's it? Yeah. It was just about ink.

And it wasn't even about ink like, you know, really old ink, what the Chinese used. It was one particular company, which was Stevens Ink. Not Stevens Ink, as in Monsters Ink. Right. That'd be great. If you if i if i started an ink company i would call it ink ink ink ink k with the first word and c with the other you with me yeah yeah do you receive my meaning yes yeah so i went to that and it was ask why yeah i was i'll be honest with you i was i was happening to be filming extremely near to the ink museum,

and I thought it's a shame to be this... I always think, don't you, it's a shame to be close to any unusually themed museum and not go in. Not a pair visit. Always. I mean, let's consider the other side of the pencil case, the Keswick Pencil Museum. It's a good museum.

It is, yes. I mean... I could get on board on that. You can take a horse to Keswick, but a pencil must be lead. So yes, so It's only about three weeks ago he went to a

pen shop. He's obsessed with stationery. Now we love stationery. That's a thought. Maybe God is telling me to invest more in pens and the like. Yeah. He's got a lot of spare time on his hands, hasn't he? Most obvious explanation.

That's on top of his to-do list. He's got a lot of ink on his hands. That's the other thing. If you've got ink... I remember when I was at school, I always had ink on my fingers. I used to pretend to get it on so people would think I worked hard. Oh, that's a good system. I had it with a sort of affectation.

Yeah, I used to do that with trichoethylene, which is what they clean the lathes with. I don't know if there's any working-class people out there who know what I'm talking about. The guy who cleaned the lathes liked the trichoethylene so much that he used to put a little bit on his handkerchief. I thought you were going to say he bought the company, not Victor Kyan.

No, I think he bought the farm in the end. I think it killed him. So what was at the pen museum then? The ink museum, I'm sorry. Well, here's something I forgot. I just missed the ink wells when I started school. They were still in the desks, but they were no longer in use. We had fountain pens, though.

Blotting paper. Did you have fountain pens? Yes! That's lovely. I didn't like that noise. It sounded like a dinosaur had arrived in the studio. Do you know what a dinosaur sounds like? I don't think so.

No, I was referring to... Even if it's a wax cylinder, it won't be an authentic dinosaur. If that's what you're thinking. If you're thinking it's as old as a cassette, it must be probably a real dinosaur. That's not true. There are no recordings of real dinosaurs. You're right.

And I'm laying there, I'm not saying maybe, I'm saying no. OK? Someone will text in and they'll say, well, actually... Have you tried the cake Daisy made? No. Lovely, a bit salty, I'm not going to lie. Salty? Yeah.

I've just got a massive bit of salt, Daisy. Last time it was floury. Yeah. Frank said this tastes of flour. That's what I like about it. And then we're puzzled why everybody went... It's good that Daisy's cakes always come with an adjective. Floury, salty.

It could be. If ever they do the other seven dwarves, perhaps we could use the condition of Daisy's cakes to name them all. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

So, um, green ink they had in there. I'd forgotten the green ink. Who used green ink? Because red ink, the teachers. Angry people. Blue and black, you know, most people. Green ink?

People writing to prisoners. Gardeners. Gardeners. Do you think... In order to get green fingers. Yeah. No, but... Green ink is a bit people that do hearts instead of the dots on the eye.

Oh. You know those characters. I know people say that if you get a letter in green ink, it's probably from someone who's troubled. Yes. But I thought of that as by-roll. I don't think those people would be left alone with a fountain pen. Well, you were.

with a fountain pen. Oh, you were. Anyway, blotting paper used to be a large part of my life. Did it? And now it's gone. That's what made me think more than anything in the museum. Did you ever use blotting paper? No. How much was it?

I remember it. Do you remember it? Oh, yeah. It's good of you to admit that. No, I'm going to admit that. I'm going there. Yeah, I, um, there was very, um, oh, It's good of you to admit that. No, I'm going to admit that. I'm going there. Yeah, I... There was very...

Oh, God, it was porous. Yeah. I remember the teachers used to use... You know those teachers? Teachers always got those white bits in the corners of their mouths when they were talking. Teachers... Always a maths teacher.

Just dab it out with that. It was good for that. Yeah. I've often thought they should have one wall panel next to a urinal. And when you finish, you just go and lean on the blotting paper wall panel for a minute to your, you know, to your drosobone, as they say in the American menswear industry. Yeah.

And then walk out. That sounds good. Anyone listening who's got, like, an upgrade urinal, you can have that. People's handwriting used to be much better with fountain pens. Anyone listening who's got, like, an upgrade, you can have that. People's handwriting used to be much better with fountain pens. They all write, like, X Factor contestants now. Could I go out today and buy blotting paper? Could I go to a shop and sell, like, a sheet of blotting paper? I'm surprised with the amount of time you spend in stationery-related shops

that you don't know about. I've never seen it. It's one of those things in the back room. Oh, yeah. You have to ask for it. Special customers. Under the counter. Contraband blotting paper.

I'm not asking for any free blotting paper. Anyone's listening, I'm prepared to pay. He is a bit, I think. I'm not. I'm not hinting. I don't have anything to blot. Unless I'm, you know, trapped in a lift. You're a copy.

And now I've got me wellies. I don't have to worry about that. One of the other pluses of the Wellington boo. I tried a quill. Did you? I tried a quill that made the whole world right. Yes, I've never tried a quill. How did you find the quill?

That's a feather in his cap, isn't it? I've never... Oh, lovely. Thank you. Well, it was a museum exhibit, so you could try... Well, you shouldn't be playing around with those. Did anyone see them? No, no, it was...

How embarrassing. You know, in the modern museum, they're like a bit of hands-on. Oh, yeah, like the science museum. Yeah, so you press on buttons and things happen. So, yeah. So, I never... One thing I didn't... It never occurred to me,

you get a bit of a breeze when you're writing. Do you? No. From the waving feather. When you're writing those poison pen letters you do. Well, I thought on a hot day, it'd be a good thing to have the quill. Well, that's how those showgirls started, isn't it? With the big feathers.

They were just writing really long letters. Is that right? On hot days, they just took some kit off and, yeah, it all began like that. I thought if you wrote, you know, if you used to write those ransom letters in blood, you could just have a bird standing next to you. When people used to write those ransom letters,

normally it's in TV or film. OK. It's part of history. I also think it's like a 50s thing. People were writing ransom letters all the time. But did they write them, actually? Come to think of it, they cut things out of magazines. Oh, yeah. Magazines? We didn't chat magazine. Oh, shall we kidnap

someone? Well, there was less magazines in those days. I mean, some of those ransom letters were virtually monochrome. And, of course, the scissors, they were in their infancy. Anyway, it's a different world. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Tom has sent us an interesting missive regarding green ink. Oh. Tom, aka 101, he says, Hi, Frank and Co. Green ink was always used by Sir George Mansfield Smith-Cumming, the first head of the UK Secret Intelligence Service, to write letters. He signed his name as C.

To this day, MI6 bosses are still known colloquially as the Green Ink Brigade. Are they? When they say colloquially, that means in-house. So if we use that, they'll think we're one of them. Yeah. Yeah. Next time I see a bloke

with two holes in his newspaper sitting in the hotel lobby, I'll say, uh, I suppose you're, um, we'll be seeing the Green Inc. Brigade after. I'm glad it's yet another brigade. You would never get a job with them. Out of everyone in this studio you're the least likely to be approached.

I can't, I don't think. He's a spy. He's just not got the subtlety required, has he? I'm very discreet, though. Well, you are discreet, in fairness. I'd always leave my phone with you. There you go. It's the test. I wouldn't answer it, needless to say.

When I was watching the telly last night, there was a trailer, Series 2 of Gotham. It's coming back. Oh. Oh. Oh. You know, in an age where people don't miss anything because they just, people say to me, well, you're watching that weekly.

I watch the whole thing on Netflix. I just got the box set. People say, oh, there's like a site. I mean, do you not know that site? Well, you can just watch everything free. Do you know that site? That's what people always say. I actually watch things you not know that sight? Well, you can just watch everything free. Do you know that sight? That's what people always say. I actually watch things, you know,

they go out Tuesday nights at nine o'clock. I watch them Tuesday nights at nine o'clock. I wait all week and look forward to it. And you're a comedian as well. Why? Is that down? Around the two bar fire? I watch Intelli at night.

It seems weird. What is Gotham? What channel is it on? Gotham is on, there's this new channel that they've knocked together called Channel 5. Who watches Channel 5? I know Channel, I still am not totally sure whether everyone's

got it. Remember there was a long period when you used, one of the early conversation things was whether or not you could get Channel 5. A lot of Wales didn't have it. I think I lived in Wales at about that time. Yeah. A lot of Wales didn't have it. I think I lived in Wales at about that time. A lot of Wales didn't have it. A lot of Wales doesn't have the 3G.

Have you still got CFAX? No, but I've got a clear picture on 5. Good for you. Can I say that? Frank, you know there are more than five channels? I know that, but do you remember the whole... It was like the transition period to the multi-channel thing. Five was like the membrane that they had to burst through,

and it was stubborn. Yeah. Anyway, Gotham... I've mentioned it on here before, I believe, because I had a badge that they sent me, a Gotham PD badge, which I was wondering whether a man of my age could wear out. Where's that one from? So it's a show about Gotham City before Batman became Batman.

I'm going to be honest, I watched the first few episodes. Oh, you did? You kept that under your hat? I jumped off it. I just sort of thought, oh, I'm not sure. Oh, shut your face. Why did you say that to him? Because he gets so into himself. I don't know what it was. I do know what it is. I just jumped off it.

What put you off? We can't like everything, can we? Was he waiting for Batman? He was probably waiting for Batman, yeah. Why didn't they call it Waiting for Batman? Waiting for Godda. Oh, that would have been good. They could have got some of the theatre crowd involved as well.

Then it would have had Batman in the title, which always draws people in. Yeah. I would have watched that. But to see the trailer, I'd forgotten that thrill of thinking, ooh, ooh, ooh, and also it was coming soon, it didn't give you any dates.

Oh, that's exciting. Oh, what a teaser. I probably don't know if it'll still be going by then, Channel 5. Well, that's, always someone has to drag things down. You know when you're up, I'm not up that often,

I'm not that, I'm not that high up, anyway. And now, the wind, listen. That is the last bit of wind leaving my sails. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in from 987, Andy Winton, Edinburgh, saying Penny Kewick, just outside Edinburgh, only just got Channel 5 three years ago. And he adds, I think this is a joke, electricity five years ago and broadband is currently being researched. I think that's a little gag that he's put in there. Is it a penichuch? Is it? It's written

Pentateuch, but I don't know. I'm happy to be corrected. What's his name? Andy. Andy? Winton. Andy Winton. That's what I call him. Well, that's interesting.

See, you're all looking at me as if the whole Channel 5 struggle was way gone. No, I agreed. I was filming this week. Oh, there you are. You've done well for yourself. Oh, well, you know. Near an ink museum, I hear. Yes.

What were you filming? I was filming a... Maybe you can't say. That's OK. No, I was filming a one-off thing, acting thing for Sky. What? Yes. He's doing acting. Oh, well.

So you are getting the work since Doctor Who. Oh, I mean... It's reserved for the floodgates, isn't it? It's flooded. I'm doing Lear in Tombridge Wells for two weeks' time. That's just a rumour I heard. Yes.

I tell you what happened, though, is that I had to wear a wristwatch, the stage wristwatch, not my own. Yeah. And it's that embarrassing this always happens to me if anyone puts a wristwatch on me they had to

they had to put another hole in it oh because you've got such small wrists i've got such things yeah but with a girl it's all right i think it's more than all right it's lovely yeah but we've met i'm i've always been it's actually one of my best features i've always been a bit ashamed of my because i've got quite you know my hands are of a normal size, then my wrists are pathetic. People always assume I'm wearing flesh pink gardening gloves. Yeah, that's what I've just always thought. Yeah, and then when they look at us, oh, but it was so, there was a sense of, oh, from the wardrobe person.

Oh, put another hole in. And there's no, I know of no, keep it clean I know of no exercises Where you can improve your You never see an advert Keep it clean It's a good warning though You can have wrists like mine You've never seen that on an advert have you

No you can't bulk them up I mean you exercise, what is the exercise to bulk up your wrists No there's no bulking up the wrists because it's a bit of bone, isn't it? And there's no real, like, there's no growable muscle around it, is there? You could get your forearms massive if you... I don't know.

It'd look weird. I'm getting a little hot. The way he's talking, Frank, like a fitness instructor. Yeah, I can do that. That's your birthday treat. I found you hot for 12 seconds. I could do that, because basically all it is is be really excitable, isn't it? Like, all right, matey, we're training tomorrow at 10! Seven exclamation marks. That's how a personal trainer communicates.

Is that right? I've never had a personal trainer. Have you not? Yeah, that's basically it. I had Andy the wrist man came in from Luton. I found him to be hopeless. No, I've never had a personal trainer. I've always assumed that they're imbeciles. Hang?

Well, I'm only guessing. Don't say that about Lionel. He's no imbecile. He coined the rather brilliant phrase, hon it, fiddy, for 150%. I'm not sure he coined that, surely, did he? She would have dictated. Honit and fidi.

No, do you know what I mean? There are people who are interested in the mental side of life, and people who are interested in the physical side of life, and people who are interested in the spiritual, and they are very much the physical side of life. So I don't mean they're imbeciles, I mean that their priorities are different from my own.

Honestly, it's like being Katie Hopkins. I have to justify myself. You are quite similar. A lot of your views are similar. Shut your face. There, I've said it again. The other thing is I notice, do you ever get those shirts, Alan, when there's two buttons on the cuff? Yes.

The outer button and the inner. I always have to go in there. Exclude me, why don't you? If I just do the outer one, I look like a wizard. Why don't you just constantly wear some sweatbands, like Bjorn Borg or something? Why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you constantly wear sweatbands?

Or some leather ones, because I'm fine about my wrist. Leather ones? Like an Axl Rose or something. If I wore leather ones, I'd'm fine about my wrist. Leather ones? Like an Axl Rose or something. If I wore leather ones, I'd be frightened to hide in a cab in case a falcon landed on me. That's an added benefit. Don't do that around Hereford. There's a lovely

owl sanctuary there. Is there? Yeah, we should go. Let's go now. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a couple of texts in about your wrists, actually. Hi, Frank and team. Oh, actually, hang on. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan.

Read the clean ones. I was once fixing a car for someone. He grabbed hold of my wrist while I was working and said, ooh, what thin wrists. I feel your pain. Is this from David Furnish? It's from... No, it's actually from David Baddiel.

How I met Sir Alton John. Well, that's a shame. What do you mean? Oh, what thin wrists. He's doing something macho, like fixing a car, and then somebody just manhandles him and says, ooh, what thin wrists. That's a shame, isn't it? That's such bad manners.

That is rude. That's from Martin in Stoke. You wouldn't grab a woman and say, ooh, what fat wrists. That's a shame, innit? That's such bad manners. That is rude. That's from Martin in Stoke. You wouldn't grab a woman and say, oh, what fat calves. Oh my God, my heart went into my heart, Ben. No, you wouldn't. It'd be rude. No, you're right. Also, you wouldn't be able to get your hands completely around them, probably. You could just bug your... No, but, you know, it's personal. Wrists are, you know, they're personal as well. Although not personal. Wrists aren't personal. Public property. Really?

Okay. Well, I think grabbing someone's wrists is a high-risk strategy. Did he grab both wrists? I don't know. That's difficult, because then you're leaning across. You're almost taking over their role of hand control. That's true, because then you're leaning across. You're almost taking over their role of hand control. That's true, yeah.

Charlie, take a picture of our wrists and see who's got the best ones. I wonder who'll win. We've had some advice from Ian. Sorry, I'm still waiting for the please in that sentence. Ian Engle, regular texter, has texted, Frank, you could draw a watch on your wrist using your newly purchased ink. The watch would be right once a day and would save any extra whole embarrassment.

He then immediately texted afterwards saying, meant to say the watch would obviously be right twice a day. Yeah. Good point. But it's interesting that because... Or a permanent tattoo. You could get a tattoo of a watch. You've never seen a tattoo?

I've never seen a tattoo of a watch. It'd be nice, wouldn't it? I've never seen a tattoo of a watch, ever. I've got a friend who's a tattooist. I'll put you in touch if you want. OK. I'll be honest, it doesn't surprise me you've got a friend who's a tattooist. Then we'll draw a line under it, yeah. Do you have a friend who's a tattooist, Frank? No.

No, me neither. I don't have that many friends, to be brutally honest. Do you not? I think four. You've done a bit of a cull, haven't you? I did a count four, I've got. Do you not? I think four. You've done a bit of a cull, haven't you? I did a count four I've got. Yeah. Who are they? It's rare that I'm in a conversation

where I seem like the ray of sunshine. Yeah. No, but I've never seen that. And I've met women who've got the makeup tattoo. You know that? Oh, yeah. They have mascara and lipstick tattooed on their faces. Oh yeah, yeah. I was

comparing the Comedy Store late last year. Oh, brag, brag. Is that brag? I don't know, it's just the thing I've done, that you've done. But there was a gentleman on the front row with a moustache, like quite an arty guy in a flowery shirt and I looked down and I saw that he had a watch on

each wrist and I said to him, you that he had a watch on each wrist, and I said to him, you've got two watches on? And very matter-of-factly, he went, I like watches. And I thought, good answer. That is a good answer. I like that. A great answer, isn't it? Why can't he just...

They're just a dormant, aren't they? Yeah, I mean, I've never thought about... Why do they have to even work if they look nice? Yeah, if you like it, wear it. Sharon is recommending a product for you. The, um, if you could Google the gyro wrist ball. Oh!

Gyro wrist ball. Oh, yeah. Brought one for my husband as he plays cricket. Apparently it improves bowling. He has puny wrists too, Frank. Wow. I don't like to brag, but I've got one of those. What's it called?

Um, well, this one's saying it's a gyro wrist ball. Gyro wrist ball. Gyro wrist ball. Has the advert sorted? Yeah. They'll have to call the horseman. I'll bring mine in next week, see if you enjoy it. Is it a rubber ball? We could just borrow it for a bit.

It's only a hand ball. It's like a ball that's got a gy for a bit. It's only a handball. It's like a ball that's got a gyroscopic thing in it. I'm saying that to the England team. If you'd used it for botox strengthening... I haven't. I mean, it'd be all right. I'll bring in some wet wipes, it'd be fine. But, I mean, a handball, what's the problem?

No. Is it just a rubber ball, basically? No, it's a ball with a gyroscopic weight in it and you pull the cord. Oh, on earth. It spins and you keep it spinning by sort of gently rotating it or quite violently rotating it. Whoa, it's like the opening credits to Joe 90. Yeah, you do that until you get a certain score.

There is some strange male bonding atmosphere going on here. I'll bring it in, I'd like to try it. I'll bring it in next week. I won't be able to compress it at all. Yeah. I'll bring it in. I'd like to try it. Bring it in next week. I won't be able to compress it at all. Yeah. I'll bring it in. No, you don't. You squeeze it.

You spin it. Oh. And then you sort of have to keep control of it. Oh, such fun. Great. You've got that at home. Oh, I've got all sorts of stuff, mate. I'm doing great.

You're very fit, aren't you? I'm not very fit. What's happened to you two? Relationship's taken a turn for the very strange. Fin res. I imagine that's how he said it. Wowie. Okay.

I'll try that, certainly. I'll bring it in. I'll bring it in. 487 says, I once told my sister she had chubby wrists. She's never forgiven me. No. Chubby wrists you don't often see. Wow.

I'd be delighted by that. What you don't want is indentation. You don't want the arm to have to go in to accommodate the wrist strap and then come out again at the other side. You know the way bra straps do sometimes? Oh, yeah, yeah. They have to sort of forge a small valley. It's a bit like glaciation, some bra straps.

I've never seen that, I don't think, on a wristwatch. I'll just look up, I'm going to Google elephantitis. Oh! It's alright. I haven't Googled it. Just for the record, I find fake puking one of the funniest things ever.

Stick around, you'll like it in the studio. Almost always makes me laugh. One of my favourite things. You should come to our offices. I'm great. Up there with my faves. My favourite is that thing of blowing out tea when people have been surprised. You know, that whole thing. Do you? I was having a cup of tea and somebody said

You're pregnant. Oh. Yeah, see it. Yeah, so. I'm pregnant. Oh, I love that. That's just like the best thing ever. Great. It's not so good on radio. No, I know what you mean. Some things are better on radio

and some things aren't so good. We mentioned Ian Angle. Can I take this opportunity to thank also a regular texter of Nugget who sent me a birthday card, which was good of him, wasn't it? And some Oscar winner. Can I take this opportunity to thank?

Yeah, yeah. Of course you're going to thank. I just thought you know this is a moment in the show where we're not doing anything, we were talking about spitting tea out for a laugh, I thought well now's the time to say thank you. Well can I say that I also got a card from New Gay. Did you? Yeah.

I never did. Ten days after my birthday. Oh. So he's using you as a marker. He thinks I'll send Alan one on his birthday. Well, it's your birthday tomorrow. It is, yeah. I'll send Alan one on time and it's, you know, I don't want to send them separately. I can't be bothered. I'll just send Frank's late. He could have sent Alan's earlier. I could have put it by. That's a good point. You know when you put it by. Yeah, put it by, exactly? Sometimes people, I get a birthday card just for laying down.

You know, like wine. But no. I say no. Well, there you are, we did get through that link. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with AD&AC. ED&AC. Oh, no.

This is atrocious. Just overreached, isn't it? Text us on 8-12-15. We'd love to hear from you. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. OK? I'll tell you what we haven't discussed this morning, actually. I don't want to go any further without discussing this,

because Robert Mugabe... Living on love for Sandman... He's not quite a friend of the show. I think they might be pushing it. Romog. That's what I call him. He's certainly no stranger to these parts. No. He's got form on this show.

We've discussed his... Is it a philtrum, did we say? His philtrum, yeah. Yeah. Is that what it's called? I think so. That's the moustache bit, Frank. That little indentation

under the septum of the nose. He's got a moustache that just runs down there. It's the most delicate little thing. And I believe as a direct result, Frank penned a song called Robert Mugabe's Sphiltrum to the tune of

Robert De Niro's Waiting. Nice. I approve. Anyway, this week he was at an airport. He was doing kind of dignitary things. He had one of those little rostra that they make, the temporary rostra at the airport. He's over a time on a rostra. Robert Mugabe. All the fans are there. All the airport, don't they? Yes. He's never at home on a rostra. Yep. Robert McGarvey.

All the fans are there. All the supermodels are there. All the fans are there, and the men are wearing those slightly Sam Allardyce suits, aren't they? With the thick knots. Yeah. And I'm afraid... Oh, no, there were placards. I noticed one placard that said,

Your greatness resonates across Africa and beyond. Yeah. That was for me. That was for me, but that's another story. Yeah. Brilliant. It went flying. That's a great placard, though, isn't it? That is a good placard.

It's better than blire. Yeah. Remember blire, that people always used to have outside the House of Commons, but that one, your greatness resonates across... I'm going to have people holding that outside the Room 101 studios. I don't think i've ever seen a play code with the word resonates on it before no no i hope i'll see more yeah well he went flying he did he lost his footing didn't he he did but apparently you know he's 91 or something nearly 91 yeah so i think he might be lost his... Just bear that in mind, Nogget. Yeah.

I wouldn't say it is late. Yeah, that wouldn't be a good idea. Well, according to the Zimbabwean officials, it didn't happen. No. I can see why a man of that stature has to keep up a certain... But it is difficult to say something didn't happen if there is lots of video evidence of it actually happening. And not only that, it's gone viral, hasn't it?

Do you watch much of the day? We'll do that all the time. He's in great shape, that Robert Mugabe. Is he? He is. Strange crush. Yeah, he looks really sort of slim. I'll tell you what, this has really diminished you saying that I'm really fit

in the previous link. I hope I look like Robert McGarvey. What kind of yardstick is that? When I say I hope I look like Robert McGarvey when I'm 90, obviously that would confuse people. But I'd be happy to be as slender as he is. I think there might be a fitness DVD in Robert McGarvey. That'd be good. A fitness DVD.

Well, he's already got the parkour section of it done, hasn't he? He's falling downstairs. Who's his agent? I don't think he's got an agent. I might call him. I think he might be with the same guy that Arj and George Clooney are with, isn't he? Do you think he'd agree to a leotard? Maybe.

What about what they said, the officials? I think you're offering him a leopard. Oh, God, yes, there was a misprint. He turned up with a leopard. Or in a leopard, even worse. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We're talking about Roe Mogg. Big Bob Mugabe. Yep. No, I do. I, um... They shouldn't deny it. I mean, what they said, the Zimbabwean officials said,

what happened, whenever someone starts an explanation with what happened, I know they're lying. Yes. What happened is that he remarkably managed to break the fall on his own. I repeat, the President managed to break the fall. I like I repeat. I imagine

he was pinching them really hard on the, just behind the ear when he was saying the second bit. Yet I want to, he was they got him into a limousine after the no fall that's one of Frank's good ones isn't it

limousine and it's got the Zimbabwe flag on the front but not on the very front I always imagine they're right on the front but then it occurred to me hard to drive if you've got a flag on the actual Barney

ornament. Yeah. So they've just put it on one of the wing mirrors. But only on one of them. It looks a bit lopsided. It looks a bit like he's supporting them in the African Cup of Nations. Like, you know, like some fat bloke from a white van with a not that they're in the

African Cup of Nations before you want to text in. Honestly, give me a break, you people. Yeah, and he has those people that walk along the side. You know, about six blokes that walk along the side of the... Minders. Well, that's what you have. When we go to brunch after this show, you have that little bit. I do that for you, don't I?

But in a car, wouldn't you be tempted, if you was a driver, to just go a little bit faster? See if they can keep up the... I like the idea of bodyguards. I'd like to... Yeah, I like to think, on this show, you know, bodyguards, they protect your body. Yes.

That's why they're called bodyguards, you see. But on this show, I never see any of the texts or emails. All I know of them is when Alan and Emily read them out. Talking to the readers now, obviously. And they are my sort of mind guards, my morale guards. So it's a similar thing.

You're looking after my state of being. That's right. We don't tell Frank any of the abusive ones. Don't read one. Don't read one now as an example. And then when you play a song, we just, all the way through the songs, we turn the music down and we keep saying,

you're amazing, Frank. You're amazing. You're on top form. You're absolutely stormy. Not every song. We're like when Paul McKenna calls up Celebrity. And says, you don't need to smoke. No, he doesn't.

Before they go on, I don't know, Cats does Countdown or whatever. He says, you're amazing, you're incredible, you can do this, you're funny. That's honestly what he does. To Jimmy Carr? No, not to Jimmy Carr. To John Richardson. No, not to John Richardson.

Why Katz's Countdown as an example? I don't know, because I like it. Just an example. I'm actually your spirit guard, but you don't know about it. What? What are you? Yeah, I'm looking after you. Alright. I'm looking after you, I'm guiding you through your life. Isn't that what they have in Tesco's on the

vodka? That's the plastic card. Is that what that plastic thing is? It's the spirit guard. Okay. That's what they have in taxis in rough areas as well. I like to think I'm walking behind you like in Dante. We're all having three separate monologues now. It does feel that way, yeah.

We all do the same radio show. Did you wear that jumper last week? Might have. Orcs. Yeah, but that's all right, because I'm wearing a T-shirt underneath it, so it takes ages for the sweat to reach the outer garment. And other things I didn't want to hear. OK.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Robert Mugabe, when he stumbled... Who? Bob Mugabe. Oh, yeah, Big Bob. Big Bob. He then said that it didn't happen and he wanted to delete it. And I sort of feel his pain, in a way,

because I don't know if I mentioned this on the show but a couple of years ago when it was icy I slipped and went up into the air proper like both feet over the head and landed on my back in front of a bin lorry full of men and yeah I would

quite like to get rid of that if I could, I'd quite like them to all they didn't video it though did they? No but if they all... They didn't video it, though, did they? No, but if they could delete it from their minds, it was pretty embarrassing. Did they laugh openly? Yeah. I slipped recently.

Oh, dear. Do you know what? The woman was so middle class, I knew she'd help me. She'd be like, oh, good heavens! She said good heavens, and you don't hear that often. Oh, really? She said, you must wear sensible shoes, dear. That's good advice.

I was on... I used to do a TV show. Oh, really? She said, you must wear sensible shoes, dear. That's good advice. I was on... I used to do a TV show. Oh, I do look nice. I used to do a show called Fantasy Football. You always say that when you mention that show, as if no one knows. We get a lot of young people listen to this. And we were filming with a Scottish player

called Tommy Gemmel, a Celtic legend. And he famously fouled this German player. So we recreated it, and he kicked me up in the air. When I landed, my elbow went into my stomach. And I find, of all the injuries you can pick up, the one that probably gets least sympathy is being winded. But being winded is a terrible near near-death experience is what it feels like yeah it's like oh it's like someone's pulled the plug out of your life do you know what i mean

you can feel it all draining away and they filmed it and it was and i was sort of going making this terrible airless whimpering and i think think I looked, I really did look at my very, very lowest. And it's all there. Very, very. All there on camera. And winded. I mean, it just sounds so rubbish to be winded and feel like... You're going to feel a bit winded now.

I nearly cried. Carry on. You're going to cry even more. Oh. Because guess what? The wrist competition has gone up on the web, Frank. I nearly cried. Carry on. Are you going to cry even more? Oh. Because guess what? The wrist competition has gone up on the web, Frank. Oh, yeah. And, um, Alan seems to be romping home. What is the thinnest wrist? Thinnest wrist. Bottom left. Someone else has compared our three wrists to characters. Do you want to know who they are? Go on.

Go on. OK. Top left, B.A. Baracus. That's me. OK. Thanks a lot. The jewellery. Is that the jewellery thing? That's the jewellery, isn't it?

It's the jewellery. Jingle jangle. It wouldn't be the fear of flying. She's fine with that, as long as she turns left. Or the use of ain't. Alien from Close Encounters, bottom left. That's Alan. Oh.

Hmm. Oh, that's the That's Alan. Oh. Hmm. Oh, that's the campest you've ever sounded in. I liked it. They must be pale. They're white, aren't they, the aliens? Well, you say that. Bottom right, Frank Skinner. Casper.

Oh. Well, I look a bit like Casper when I grease my hair back. Ah. That's an interesting... I am gangly. Are those aliens gangly? What's a man outside carrying a big Kiss FM logo? They're very well-groomed.

They're not like us, are they? They're all trendy. They're well-groomed. They're all trendy and they've got hair product in. Also, they were still out like four hours ago. They've just come straight from the nightclub. Me too. From the nightclub?

Me too. There's one nightclub everyone goes to. The nightclub. Isn't that right? Capital T, capital N. Oh, I just remember in that being winded, it's made me feel a bit, well, winded. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I'm not certain this will be close of business on the wrists discussion, but I like this. Funnily enough, a text in from 806. Funnily enough, I'm a micropigmentation specialist. I tattoo ladies' make-up, and I'm always being told what dainty thin wrists I have.

I've actually had to buy my own strap adjuster, as I'm always having to take links out, and it was getting expensive sending it to a jeweller's all the time. Yes, I bet. Brackets, I have 62 watches. Craig in Watford. 62? Is it your work on the black market?

God. Two. Is it your work on the black market? We don't get many texters boasting about their 62 watches, do they? It's never really occurred. I've always in my life thought, you know, you're going to have one watch. I think I have got some. Well, I have got all watches in drawers, but I don't rotate. I don't have a rotation system in my timepieces. I've got two or three, depending on what I'm doing. Do you match them to your outfits?

No, not really. You do. Sort of to my activity, you know. If I'm doing sport. Underwater. Underwater, yeah. Yeah. That sort of thing.

You strike me as a bit of a Roy Hodgson sort of giant watch. Yeah, yeah. I'm a Hublot guy. Those massive ones that they've obviously been given that they wouldn't want to wear otherwise. I've only ever had one really expensive good watch. Yeah, yeah. I'm a Hublot guy. Those massive ones that they've obviously been given that they wouldn't want to wear otherwise. I've only ever had one really expensive good watch. It's the worst watch I've ever had. Oh, no. I sent it back about three times,

and in the end I gave up. And you have to send it to Germany to get it mended. Oh, that's no good. Come on. No, you don't want that. You don't want that. I mean... Forget about it.

So, I'll tell you something that I've done that I haven't done for ages this week. I went to the cinema. Did you? I went to the pictures. You know, I haven't been. I went to the movies. I haven't been to Noah. I went to see Noah.

That was my last one. Did you enjoy that? Noah? Mm. Yeah, it was, I liked it. I didn't see that. What did you go and see? A lot of acting in it. Was there? A lot of acting. Oh, I would Yeah, it was... I liked it. I didn't see that. What did you go and see? A lot of acting in it.

Was there? A lot of acting. Oh, I would have liked it. I think that's where I haven't been since. I thought I've had enough acting here to last me 12 months. If you go and see Russell Crowe, and he's good, Russell Crowe, but you'll get a lot of acting. Oh, he does do the acting.

I didn't go and see that. I made... We made our decision. I was on tour, and we were in Cambridge, and the next show was in Maidenhead you then no i mean a support actor guy called mike um he went on a date with a guy he's just definitely i didn't go on a date he's on two hours we're killing time alan is currently on tour and tickets mostly still available um a few tickets. Very scarce. Try hard.

Where are you tonight? No, I'm not touring tonight. Not tonight, though. Tomorrow night? Tomorrow night. He's not really on tour. I'm not on tour. He's doing intermittent gigs. That's right.

Monday night? No. Oh, it's just no all the time. Forget the tour. OK. Anyway, we finished in a bed and breakfast. Intermittent gigs. That's the name of Ryan Giggs' eldest.

So, I said to the woman in the bed and breakfast, what time can we leave? I'm glad you added breakfast onto that. 11am, right? And I said, oh, can I push it back a little bit because I need to do a telephone interview. You know those ones that I was talking about? You said that to her in her bed and breakfast. Yeah. She'll hate you that's fine

i'm fine with i'm very comfortable with being here you are so i had arranged to check out i stayed in a bed and breakfast in the north of england yes and i thought and i thought you know lovely and the woman said to me oh i know you and i. And I said, yeah, yeah. She said, what, you've seen how the other half lives? I said, I don't think it's a half, it's about 87%, isn't it? If I remember rightly. That went down well. Didn't get it. So this is exactly how we chose the film. We said, oh, we're checking out about 20 past 11.

Very cozy. What starts... We're checking out about 20 past 11. Me and Mike, the support. Mike, have you not listened? Mike. Mike, you keep going on about. So we said, what starts soon after 20 past? 25 past 11, American Sniper, directed by Clint Eastwood. I thought, he's, you know, let's go and see it.

Such lads, aren't you? Lads. Follow the bear. Yep. So we went, get to the kiosk to buy the tickets and we said, oh, have we You said, oh. What did the woman make of that? Ooh, it was a blow.

It was a blow, it'll be alright. I said, have we missed the start of the film? Because by the time we'd checked out and put the bags in the car and all that, and he said, yeah, it's definitely started. And we said, all right, what else have you got? And the next thing wasn't until after 12, and we went, okay, well, we'll take two tickets for American Sniper,

even though we've already missed the start. So as we're buying the tickets, he starts talking to me about the beginning of the film, and I quickly realise he is verbally describing in his own words the opening scenes of the movie. That's nice. And I can't describe what he said because I don't want to spoil the film for people,

but he was saying, oh, the central character, this is what's happening to him in the early scenes. It was a walking spoiler alert. Well, funny you should say that, because I was thinking, this is an odd way of doing this. I'm not sure I like it. I'd rather just fill in the blanks myself. And then we went in and the exact scene that he just described we watched he was he'd gone too early okay but that's a nice gesture it was a new readers start

here yes exactly I always assume those people in the kiosks I've never seen any of the films like they're kept there I think they hate Like, people in chocolate factories don't eat chocolate. They try and walk in, someone will go, hang on, you haven't got a ticket. Let's say, oh, don't mention films. Don't mention films to me. Like chefs eating terrible food. Like comics never make funny jokes.

That's true. I'll take that. That's not true. Al? Yeah? Is American Sniper a real movie? That sounds like a made-up film. Is it a real movie? sounds like a made up film

is it a real movie it just sounds made up Clint Eastwood directed it he's not directing made up films it's controversial it is controversial yeah

my friend was a DSS sniper sometimes you sound like such a Birmingham lad DSS sniper what's that and a snooper

sorry he's a snooper sorry everyone The Frank Skinner Show listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, sometimes I look at you in your cans on your head and you have something of the sort of Ronnie Hazlehurst about you, the old-school 70s musical conductor. Oh, that guy.

Remember Mike Mansfield? Yeah, Mike Mansfield. Cue Bayity Rollers. What decade station is this on Absolute? Oh, yes. Remember, we're right across the decades. Yeah, but what one is it that you two are referencing? Well, that would have to be Absolute 70s.

Does that still exist? I don't know, but Alan was born in that decade. Sure was. As I'm afraid we've just discovered. Yeah, 40 tomorrow. Wow, that's a big, but Alan was born in that decade. Sure was. As I'm afraid we've just discovered. Yeah. 40 tomorrow. Wow, that's a big milestone. I can't wait, personally. I'm going to join all the social networking

sites and just tweet topless photos of myself saying hashtag fit for 40, yeah? That's what I'm doing for my birthday. Is it? Because you said so. Midlife crisis.

Yeah, probably. Hashtag midlife crisis. I've had another revelation this week. Well, not really this week, this year. But something has come to pass this week that made me realise. Me and Mike on the tour. Oh, this Mike thing. We were stuck in traffic.

It's like The Incredible Journey. Stuck in traffic in his car. That was good, Phil. Oh, didn't you? Who were, uh, we were stuck in traffic. It's like the Incredible Journey. Stuck in traffic in his car. That was good, Phil. Oh, didn't you? Who do you like best? Those English bull terriers, don't they? Oh, what about the cat?

Head like a box. Sami's cat, lovely. Cool. Anyway, me and Mike, we were, uh, we were in the car and he said to, we're stuck in the traffic

and he went, um, there's a box of sweets in that glove box if you want some. I said, is there? Opened it, he's got a box of chocolate Brazils. Oh, nice. He hasn't.

And it really... I contain nuts. It really, well, yeah. It did, it did contain nuts. It was nuts covered in chocolate. But it really elevated a bit of traffic. It made it, like, quite bearable. You know, I always, always have sweets in the car.

And that's a fairly recent phenomenon, the last few years. It's something that, it is getting older. What is it? Oh, I always have Haribo Tangfastics in the glove box. I am a licorice all sort man, but I tell you what I've got, I've got about three bags in there.

Not three bags full, mind. Three bags nearly empty, and they've just got the, you know, they come... You've had all three on the go simultaneously? Oh no, but you know what? They've've just got the... You know, they come... Have you had all three on the go simultaneously? Oh, no, but you know what? They've all just got... Let's hear what the bags are. They've just got licorice. Now, they're all licorice, all sorts. And they are... You know the licorice onlys? Right, yes. The tube. That tube.

The black tube. Oh, I like that. Oh, do you know what? I actually felt something rise in my throat. Yes, I don't eat the black tube. I've left the black tubes. Why would you? They're black tubes. Yeah. So I've got bags with about four or five black tubes in each. Bag them all up together. You could bring them in. I'll bring them in for you. Maybe I could thread them and you could wear them.

Bursting necklace. Do they have the white filling, the black tubes? Oh, no, I don't like those. I'm on about the solid black. I'm not the solid. I'll be straight with you. It's licorice. There's no all sort about it that's what i like about it that shouldn't mean an awful fresh what about the pink one pink and yellow oh do you remember licorice remember that wood you used to get yes it used

to be like a piece of yes yeah branch yeah You used to chew it. You chew it like an old cheroot all day. Oh, I love that. It used to feel like a tribesman. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It was all around. Yeah. Really?

It was like sitting in the old Wild West on a porch. I can't believe that. You tell young people that now. We used to chew branches bought in a sweet shop. Did you never have the branch? I'm aware of its work, yeah. I can't remember it that well, though. Well, Frank, let's go and buy some after the show.

I don't know if you can still get it. Just go out there into Golden Square. I think you have to harvest it. You're a gardener now. We bought wood in a shop and then ate it. Why don't you just grow some of the... You couldn't really eat it. You had to chew it and then spit it out.

You couldn't digest the stuff. Yeah, I do that with backy. I don't... I don't... Honestly, I'd completely forgotten abouty. I don't... Honestly, that... I'd completely forgotten about that wood, wood licorice. I love that wood. Mmm.

Do you know licorice wood? No, but thanks for the tip. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of correspondence in about what I believe is actually called Spanish root, according to Deb in Cornwall. I have another Spanish root.

That might explain it, because in Yorkshire where I grew up, licorice, or licorice, depending on how you pronounce it. Licorice? You're trying to make fun of me? No, licorice. It is called Spanish, like it's colloquially called Spanish. Can I just say that's how you tell if you have bad breath, licorice? Spanish all sorts. Yeah.

No, it's like... What a night that was. Collectively. You said you want some Spanish. Would you really? Yeah. I like that. You want some Spanish.

You would. You would. I knew an Egyptian guy when he talked about the exchange rate. Always said that it's nearly 200 Egyptian. And I always used to love that. Nice. Eddie P, whose avatar is LFC, he says licorice wood is from Pontefract, Yorkshire

and became popular during World War II due to rationing. So I'm not at all embarrassed that I used to have it as a child. I assume that licorice grew at the very least sous le cantonant, and I thought maybe even further afield than that. Although that would make sense. Pontifract. Yeah, there you go. You get pontifract cakes that are... You do? I do.

I've started on it. They're not licorice, are they? Yeah, I think so. Hush my mouth. I'm sorry, I can't say that, apparently. Oh, a horror appears to have walked into the studio. I've started to notice that sweets are improving other things this year. Not just that traffic jam, but we had some sweets left over from selection boxes and stockings at Christmas. Christmas flotsam and jetsam.

We went on a New Year's Day walk and my wife just stuck a handful of little bags of sweets in her pocket. We walked the dog, cold, and she went, oh, should we start on the sweets? And we all ate sweets while walking the dog, and I think it elevated it about 90%. It elevated everything. It really did. I had some chocolates left over from our dinner party.

I ate them on Monday whilst watching Wolf Hall. I mean, amazing. Brilliant. Well, I... I know it's late to the party on sweets, but I'm fully in there now. It's one of the reasons I work at Absolute Radio. When I walk in in the morning, I mean, I took seven. I counted. I always count them

afterwards. I put my hand in the jar. Security guard gives me a slightly disdainful look. Biblical number. What did you go for? Seven. Chocolate limes? No, always the lemon sherbets. Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, that's made me go...

Just thinking about it. Things that make you go... I went for dinner the other night, and at the end of it, to my delight, the host said, anyone fancy any toffee? What? Well, I mean, no-one said that to me first.

You say something very different at the North London dinner party. No, I know, but... No, but you toffee. Toffee? Had you misheard him? Was, but... No, but you toffee. Toffee? Had you misheard him? Was it coffee?

No, it was toffee. You've got to be careful. I'm not being rude. I thought it was a bit runny. You've got to be careful. I looked a hole with that hammer. Frank, with your teeth. I'm just saying, you had... Oh, to hell with it.

Everyone, everyone now has got caps and... Crowns. Yeah. You've got a leather crown, haven't you? Yeah. That'd work for you. So, I'm all right. Yeah, but you said comics can't have...

You don't think comics should get their teeth fixed, do you? Is that right? Definitely not. Why not? Because comics should be about the truth. Good night. Definitely not. Why not?

Because comics should be about the truth. Good night. But Toffee, I think Toffee might be just about to make a comeback. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you something, not many people know this, but you know that Oxfam saying, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if you give him a fishing rod, you feed him for life.

Yeah. That is based, I remember the original of that saying, which was around in the early 70s when I was a kid, give a dog a toffee and you'll laugh for 45 minutes. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Frank Skinner on the Absolute Radio Network. I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean, those old favourites of yours. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you know what? You can email us direct through the Absolute Radio website. I've allowed it to become very clinical. mail us direct to the Absolute Radio website. Hmm. Hmm. I thought I'd give you...

I've allowed it to become, you know, very clinical, and I want to put a bit of humanity back into it. I thought it was lovely. Well done, well done. Thank you very much. Thanks, everyone. Carl Patrick. Do you remember Carl Patrick?

No? Well, he texted earlier regarding my wrists being like B.A. Baracus. Oh, yes. And yours being like Casper and Alan's... I've forgotten yours. Like an alien from... From Close Encounters. Close Encounters, that's right. Oh, yes. And yours being like Casper and Alan's, I've forgotten yours. Like an alien from Close Encounters. Close Encounters.

He don't want the aliens from Aliens. That'd be horrible. Oh, that's why I was so hurt. John Hurt? Was that a pun? He has actually tweeted us and he's talking about films that start with American because Alan was saying he'd been with his friend Magic Mike

to go and see American Sniper. Karl Patrick has, it's a strong assertion here. He says, films that start with American are all rubbish, including beauty, graffiti, pie, and gangster. YOLO, he says. A sort of

strange peace offering at the end. Yeah, I have to say, I can't agree with graffiti. I love American graffiti. When I first saw that film it was a bit of a I'll tell you what, if you love radio as I do, there's a bit in that where he's got this local radio DJ called Wolfman Jack who he loves

and he goes, this is Ron Howard playing the part when he had hair and he turns up at the radio station, it's like deserted like it is when we come in on a Saturday morning. And he just looks through this bit of thing and he sees Wolfman doing his show. And you just think, oh, it must be great to mean something to people like that.

And now look what's happened. Yeah. I think American Pie is quite funny. I don't. I haven't seen American Pie. An American Sniper I liked. Oh, you're going right... You're flying in the face at this.

Well, never mind that. What about Psycho and Gigolo? Two of my exes. Oh, I don't... That's just my exes there. And werewolves. Oh, your exes. That's just the American ones.

Oh, I forgot Werewolf. What about him? What about in Paris? Werewolf in London. No, let's not talk about him. No, but Werewolf in London, that is a great film. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm...

What's his name? John Fitzpatrick? Good guess, though. John Fitzpatrick was a sort of borderline squad player for Man United in the 70s. He sounds like somebody who might have written the Bible. Carl Patrick. Carl Patrick. Now, I think he's wrong.

Yeah. American Werewolf in... in i mean that is is that going to be our final hour texting what what films beginning with american are any good well i mean that's good i love i mean i love the strength of his treatise i do but let's not talk about that no what i would say frank he's also used YOLO and as the Deputy High Commissioner of Sri Lanka once told me, not in this part of the world. Right. Not because you're a Buddhist. Oh, yeah, because they believe in... That's a good

point. Reincarnation. I saw a very interesting... I went to a talk about reincarnation by... Hot date. It was an Alsatian gave it. Happy. Scary.

Frank, guess what? Yeah? Well, we've had some news in regarding blotting paper. Oh. Hi, Frank. Blotting paper is available from Ryman Stationery. One pack on its way to you this morning from our Wardour Street store. Happy blotting, Ryman. Just a minute.

Result! That's brilliant. Oh, that's lovely, because I didn't ask for it. That's given with a good heart. I know, especially, he's so busy presenting that celebrity big brother as well. Who? Ryman. Oh, Ryman.

Yeah, he's a strange, snaky, hip man. There's a trailer he does in, like, skinny jeans. When I think he's waste, he's never going to stop. Are you a fan? No, he looks like he could roll pastry with him. And very tan, though. He's obviously just been away. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Hold on. Are we doing the news? Yeah, doing the news. Queen's still alive. I know. We've had a text in.

It's almost like a point of order for me, actually, I think. Good morning, Frank. I tend to agree with your colleague. That's me, I'm guessing. You are my colleague. I like it. It's like you work at a call centre. I tend to agree with your colleague about Gotham for the first few episodes.

As an avid Batman fan, I'm always wary when something new comes out. I know what he means. However, I felt that the longer... No, it's a he. Okay, he. Unless it's a woman called James. Well, it could be. However, I felt the that the longer... No, it's a he. Okay, he. Unless it's a woman called James. Well, it could be. However, I felt the longer the series was on,

the better it got as it introduced all the baddies that we now all know so well. Can I suggest that he watches the whole series before making a decision? Yes, Alan. Keep up the good work, James Falkirk. All right, James, I'll give it another go. I think you should.

I honestly think it's top end. Get a box of chocolate Brazils and have a go at it. Can I tell you something that happened to me this week? I listen every week. Please do. And I know this is a, I'm flying in the face of a New Year's resolution. I listen to a podcast called the Doctor Who podcast.

Right? Okay. And then at the end of the last one I listened to, they said, anyway anyway we're going to stop doing this Podcast now And I tell you I was genuinely Upset I mean properly Who does the podcast is it all sci-fi fans

It's like you know some English guys And an American woman An Australian guy But I honestly feel I feel like something What can be done Why have they stopped doing it but I honestly feel I feel like something like you know what can be done why have they stopped doing it

it doesn't seem it doesn't seem right I bet you wish you could go back in time and fix that don't you you what you've done is you've

well maybe you could not very much you've picked up the theme and you're wrong with it you know that acting job you're doing yeah have you

have they asked you to bring the hat that Perkins cap Because I think that's what your parts will be now. Well, I wasn't allowed to keep it, you see. Are you not? No. You can't keep the costume. Oh, I kept props on Triffids. I know, but Triffids

weren't going to come back. How dare you? No, but I don't think he wrote a Triffids. He didn't write the next day of the Triffids, the weekend of the Triffids. Maybe he did. I don't think there's a Triffids sequel, is there, Alan? I don't know, but I'll tell you what. We should ask Alan in Formby. Can I just read this text? This has amused me. Mistake again this morning as you played Sir Lonely by the police on Absolute 80s.

I think you'll find it's 1978. Good work. My bad. It was your bad, wasn't it? You pick all the playlists for absolute eight. To be honest, I think playing police is generally an error. Well, yeah, you could have just stopped at Mystique again this morning. I find the police always come late if they come at all. Can I just point out that kiss lot, they're being awfully noisy.

Oh, that's fine. Yeah, but that's because they're, you know, they represent youth and ebullience. They're noisy kissers. I'm going to tell you something. There was some radio figures came out this week. And what about, something happened to me. It said, it said Kiss FM of blah, blah, blah. They've beaten Capital Radio in something or other.

Oh, that's good. And do you know what? For the first time, I felt a bit of stable pride. Yeah. Oh, good. I thought, yeah, good on you. And I mean, you know, I don't know any of them, but I feel like we're all brothers.

And sisters! Yeah! So what about that? Who'd have thought that? Cool story, bro. No, that wasn't a... LAUGHTER That means a lot to me, more than you'll ever know. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast

from Absolute Radio. You having a bit of cake, Frank? No! While you do, I'll read you a text that we had earlier. Frank, it's from 012. Frank, not sure whether you listen to the adverts, but that PG Tips advert is wrong. The Shard is not the tallest building in

Britain. Emily Moore TV mast is. That's from Chris Liversidge. I think that might be Chris in Liversidge in Huddersfield, which is a place that is in the greater Huddersfield area. I trust you on that. What's it called? Emily Moore TV? Emily Moore mast. Oh.

It's a TV mast. Where has there been since I saw the Emily Moore? Well, that's... Yeah, we don't normally have comments on the adverts, because obviously they pay our wages, so we just assume they're right in every account. PT tips should have stuck with the chimps. No, Frank, that was very cruel. Was it?

Now instead they've got them right in the adverts, eh? Well, you can't criticise the adverts. That's us sacked. And Chris from Liversidge may well have beaten my team at football when I was a kid. I used to play against Liversidge when I played for Battyford

Boys Club, which is now Battyford Sporting Club. Let the girls in. It's like a Tom Courtney black and white film. What would I talk? It's gone so pez round here. Can I say that I have no strong opinion on whether PG Tips are right or wrong about the tallest building,

but I'm just happy that they advertise on Absolute Radio. Yeah. Hey, I love tea. I'm not having a go at them. I love all tea. And I say not just their tea. All right.

Are we moving on? Is that what it's about? Just trying to be professional, that's all. We haven't discussed my lean class this morning yet. My lean who? Class. Is it class or class? I would say class.

Well, the reason I would say class is because obviously I'd say class, and I thought you'd have a go at me on a bath-bath way. Bath-bath? Bath-bath. Bath-bath. I can't do it when you want to. I can't do it anymore Gradually we've made you northern Not many modern teachers

Could talk about my lean class Not in the age of the obesity crisis Anyway 419 has texted Is a master building No But it is a building It's a listed building.

Stop going on about this building. I'm trying to... Well, they're arguing amongst themselves now, the readers. It's a master building. But this is a building. It is built, or is it erected? Yeah. So, myling class reacted badly to being asked to put £10 in for a shared gift for one of these...

I'm going to say posh girls, because they're at a posh school. Yes. Well, you can't generalise like that. Why not? They're girls that are at a posh school. It's five grand a term. Is it? Which school? I think it might be my old school. No, I genuinely do. Oh, okay. Well, it's good to bond with a news story, isn't it?

In a way, we can all relate to it. One of the children wanted a desk. I made Mylene Clask cry once I didn't make her cry She cried on my chat show She cried on my chat show It would be a lovely blues song I've heard it call some things in my time

And then she cried on my chat show Why did she cry? Because they made her leave here? Because she talked about being Known I think you can say it on Breakfast Radio Why does she cry because they made her leave here, say? Because she talked about being known, I think you can say it on Breakfast Radio, that word there, that means a female canine that people used to shout at her in the street.

Some people had stolen her, threw chips at her in the street and she told that story and cried. And I thought, you poor, this is great telly, you poor, this is great telly. My heart, this is great telly, you poor, this is great telly. My heart, this is great telly. That's how you're twisted. That's how professional you are.

Whereas I'd have been thinking, I'd love it if people threw chips at me. I remember I called for tissues because she was crying and I had nothing to wipe herself on. If only I'd known, of course, that Ryman sent out blotting paper. It finally had known, of course, that Ryman sent out blotting paper. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. What are you talking about, Miley?

It's your name, Klaus. Well... You're right, Klaus. What she was objecting to, in fact, people aren't familiar with the story, was this habit now, or this tendency towards doing a sort of pooled present. I've never heard of this in schools it strikes i have to say i'm with the moms on this but carry on well that what happens is the mom sent around an email saying um actually my child wants i think one wants to desk and the other wants to kindle respect to the child for wanting to get a desk in fairness yeah and so she said you can either leave us a £10 donation

in the bag, is what they'd suggest. Yeah, so give us £10 needs. We'll buy them a present they want rather than all the individual kids in their class buying rubbish. Yeah. Seems, I wish people would be more common sense about presents and less emotional about it. That's a very practical, sensible

way of present buying. Yeah, you love a voucher, don't you? Give me a voucher or the money. You don't know me. You don't know me. You don't know me, you people. Or a Doctor Who cookie jar. Yeah, but Doctor Who dressing gown. But Doctor Who generally is going to be a safe bet. But

other than that, you know, I've got friends, children that I just give them the money. They like it. Kids love getting money. They love that best. We used to like it.

My sister and I would open the envelopes with a letter opener. Yes, we were posh. We used to open it with a letter opener and just shake it. Nothing came out straight in the bin. No. You are kidding me. Harnett Fiddy. Oh, that is horrifying.

Corrupt customs official. Can I thank this radio show for my birthday gifts? Just while we're on the subject of gifts, thank you. What, your beard moisturiser? Beard moisturiser

and motorbike vouchers. Brilliant. I got you some lovely long-form stuff from the beauty cupboard. Is it from the beauty cupboard? Yeah. We're basically engaged.

We originally bought those gifts for the hairy bikers. Yeah. Well, I'm very much in their gang now. Mylene said my daughters would like, or I think it was her daughter's thing, she said she'd like a unicorn. She was doing satire, though.

To be honest, I think that fell flat because I've got my daughter a unicorn, like a big stuffed teddy one from Toys R Us. It was 25 quid, I think. I thought Buzz was a real unicorn. Did you? In the age of genetic engineering, all things are possible. Also, my mum's in the arts.

She probably knows an out-of-work actor that would dress up in a unicorn outfit. She wants a real thing. What do you reckon, 40 quid for three hours? I think I might know an out-of-work actor. I know loads of actors that would do that. One of the mothers in the playground, she's's had some beef mylene in the playground one of the the mothers said why did you do it mylene oh yeah i thought it was a bit a bit melodramatic she has washed a dirty washing in washtown you town. You know what she did? When the mother said, why did you do it, Mylene?

Mylene said, let's talk about this in private, which is, has she never heard of being in a row? Like, you're not meant to go, let's take this inside. Nobody in the history of rowing has said, let's take this inside. You should say, let's take it outside. Exactly. That's if you're going to have a fight, she probably should. You know, what next?

She's going to say that over me. I wouldn't mind a unicorn, come on, ring me. Oh, yeah. You know, if you consider how many germs there are on things like lift buttons, doorbells,

it'd be quite handy, wouldn't it, to have a unicorn for that? Yeah, just to... Well, I don't actually... I don't touch them anymore. I use my jumper to touch all lifts. See, you wouldn't need that. Yeah.

Just get used to it. I got that off of Matthew Vaughan, the film director. That's good to know. I, um, I also, have you ever been out and you thought, oh, you know what, I wish I'd worn a hat? Oh, yeah. Got the unicorn with you. Got your own hat stand. Straight on. I'm gonna get one. You've got too many doughnuts.

I, yeah. Yeah. Oh, there, exactly. Little game of hoopla if you're've got too many doughnuts. I bet you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there, exactly. A little game of hoopla if you're waiting for the bus. A permanent hoopla. That's, um... That's all sorts of uses I'd have for that. I bet, you know, I'm amazed they haven't made one. It wouldn't be that hard to knock one together, would he?

If you even put a mouse with an ear on its back. We'll just put a... No, but it's true. A horn in the middle of a head. I'd want a real horn, though. I don't want you just gluing it on. It's a real horn. I'm not on about something made out of an egg box and elastic round the back on a goat. I'm not talking about that. Are they bearded

unicorns? Are they bearded? I don't think they exist, but I mean, traditionally... Give us some of that moisturizer of yours. Are they portrayed as bearded? They've got a mane, haven't they? Oh, that's a very good question. I'm not sure they've even got a starter. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Guys, may I interrupt the show momentarily to just clear something up? You know I said that that man had emailed in about the tallest building in the UK not being the Shard, it was Emily Moore Mast. Yes. I read that out. And it was quite clear he said the tallest building. And now we've got some person, 619, text messaging, Dan from Kew Gardens,

masts are masts, buildings are buildings, hence the different word. Don't read the next bit out. And then an expletive. Oh, what? Yeah, he's angry about it and then he continues, There's not an ampersand in there but we know what it is. Yeah, he continues in the next text message, tell Mr Huddersfield, I think that might be the original texter rather than me.

No, Mr Huddersfield I actually met the other night is a competition winner. Oh, yeah, no, I judged him. Is that the guy in the bow tie and just the shirt collar? He entered Mr Birmingham UK with a rogue entrant. Tell Mr Huddersfield the biggest mast in UK is in Cumbria, the mighty Skelton Mast. At 365 metres it dwarfs the Huddersfield mast by 34 and a half metres. Has he never been there? Dan Q. We weren't talking about the biggest mast, we were talking

about the biggest building. And the biggest building is Emily Moore mast, according to that texter, who, again, I've not fact-checked it, but it's probably right. The point is it includes brickwork, doesn't it? That's right. Emily Moore mast. Emily Moore transmitter is brick built, not like a normal metal mast, so it's a building. You know, it's this kind of stuff that won us two major awards. I think it's a listed building.

I mean, the clue... No, I think it's leaning. He also says, that was from Carl Parkin from Scunthorpe, he says, is it too thin to be a building? If so, does that mean Frank's wrists are too thin to be proper wrists? Well, I think we've established... What about the flat iron building?

That's narrow. Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Oh, that's narrow. It's a shame we didn't... It's a shame we didn't stumble on this earlier in the show. We could have had thin buildings that you're aware of. Thinest buildings. I like that that constitutes a breakfast show,

just Frank saying, oh, that's narrow, about buildings. About the Flatiron building. Not exactly new information on the Flatiron building. Well, I love the fact that there is steam rising on this topic. Yeah. I just like that people care about anything. I'd say this to Dan in queue. Do you want to take this inside?

No, that's what my class says during a round. You think you are? Yeah, exactly. You should be looking at the floor and phone and not tweeting. Frank, talking of my lean, you said you think this makes sense. I've got to be honest, I don't like a whip round. When those brown envelopes come round

the office... Well, we in the SNM community... LAUGHTER You love a whip round. When those brown envelopes come round, Frank, I just lose the will to live. Well, that's what Harry Redknapp said to me just last week. LAUGHTER

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm a trout. It caught me up because I've just received some, not just a sheet of blotting paper. Do you have a piece of paper in your hand? I have. I spoke this morning

with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler. Very good. He's a character. Is he a colourful character? Well, no, not in 1938. He was in black and white. So I've just received five sheets of A3 blotting paper from Ryman's. Comes up large, doesn't it? Oh, God.

I really feel genuinely excited. I'll tell you what, if that had arrived at the start of the show, you wouldn't have had to go to the bathroom all the way through. No. You could have just popped it down there. Most disgusting thing you've ever said. Oh, sorry, no. But one of the things I realise now about giving people blotting paper

is if they get emotional about the gift, they've got blotting paper. Where you held that aloft, like you were world heavyweight champion. I look like the numbers girl on the boxing. Very good. That's brilliant. I'm going to go home and blot like there's no tomorrow. And at my age, there might not be. So, that's tremendous.

That's from Ryman's in Wardour Street. Do you remember the jam single, Bee Paper, on Wardour Street? Do you remember that? You know, I'm going to take a wander over there after this show and see if they like the cut of my jib, because we've got blossing paper, the sky's the limit. I could get a fountain pen. Don't go crazy.

Hi, Frankentine. To get a unicorn, you'd need to breed a horse with a narwhal. If it goes wrong, you'd either get a horse that could breathe underwater or a land-roaming narwhal. Anthony, Edinburgh. What's roaming narwhal Anthony Edinburgh What's a narwhal Frank? A narwhal is a whale that has a big central

horn in its head and I'll tell you what they used to do when the old whalers, when whaling was still just a bit of fun they used to take the horns and often engrave ships and that on them beautiful, occasionally you see them in antiques places. Wow.

But they are mighty, mighty horns. The breeding process would be difficult, I think. Yes. The horse would probably drown mid-act. I suppose you could try a seahorse. Good point. See how things turned out. I can't decide whether I prefer this, the masts conversation, or the blotting paper.

Well, I'd say we've... It's been a feast. It's been like an episode of Open All Hours today, but I've enjoyed it. I know it's not about me. Now you tell us. Thank you so much for listening this week, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again next week.

Once again, I beseech the men and women of the Doctor Who podcast to change their minds. But as to the rest of you, get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. Radio, back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.