The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Slazenger Cat

Episode Date: November 18, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss grapefruit, the 'attack on Christmas' and life advice.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you please. Lovely. Like if you please. I think we've got to establish it's an option i don't want anyone thinking it's any sort of legal obligation mandatory yeah as they don't say i'd like to kick off early frank if i may with some correspondence oh you mean i thought you

were going see ya i've had it yeah so firstly we've had this missive in from Shantazir. Dear Frank, a random shout-out of appreciation prompted by a recent meeting on a London bus. As a relatively recent arrival to the UK, I know you mostly from Taskmaster, but I look forward to learning more about your work. Best wishes. That's funny.

Now, what I like is the use of best wishes in a tweet i like that i love that i feel slightly crestfallen that you've arrived you've arrived uh in the twilight era of my career um what i suggest you need to do is to consider my back catalogue but that's a lovely uh lovely thing that's great there's a lot of do you know what that person is going to have that lovely thrill that you get when you are reading

a Pacey thriller yeah and then you realise that that writer is one of those that just knocks them out all the time wow also never mind that

I think Consider My Back catalogue would be a lovely autobiography title for a Kim Kardashian Frank yeah come on yeah exactly come on no that's very nice though I know you're work autobiography title for a Kim Kardashian, Frank. Yeah. Come on. Yeah, exactly.

Come on. No, that's very nice, though. I know you're work mainly from Taskmaster. Has it come to this? A lot of people watch Dave. No, exactly. They do. It's funny. Oh, yes.

We've also had Stephen, one for this week's show. I like that he's flagging that up. One for this week's show. I like that he's flagging that up. One for this week's show. In other words, don't sit on it. Time sensitive. Whatever happened to Frank? Oh no, I didn't mean to say that. That's it.

Just kick him out when he's dead. He's on Taskmaster. Whatever happened to Joke Shops? Come on. I like that. I haven't seen one for a long time. Do you get them at the seaside or have I sort of imagined? There's still one in Edinburgh.

Oh, OK. Because my sister and I used to go there and we used to go to the festival when we were younger. What do you buy in it? Is it mainly artificial dog excrement? Exactly. That's what I think of as excrement. Which is great. We bought that.

We also bought some custard pie foam. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Which I don't know if they'd sell that now. Any kind of plastic nose and glasses combination? Absolutely. We never see that anymore, do you? We save that for our spy work.

The trouble with that is spectacles have become quite fashionable. Right. Whereas it was like the ultimate humiliation to have to wear glasses. But now, people embrace them. People wear glasses. People probably go, oh, it's a false nose. Frankie's wearing glasses as he said this.

It's not controversial. No, I don't honour people writing in unless, of course, they've got their reading glasses. We bought some plastic cookies. They were useful to trick parents, friends. And there used to be those, they were like toffees,

but they had pepper in them. Oh, yeah. All gone now. What do people do for a joke now? You can't do the joke shops now because of the health and safety. That's what I think. Oh, is that what it is? They've gone mad.

Yeah, the handboss. Someone was probably killed by a handboss. Thrown 20 feet across the room somebody that had just washed their hands got hand-possessed oh yeah exactly they can imagine

it's a complete new rule wipe out can you imagine the court case oh man carried in on one of those

Premier League stretchers all for a joke. I saw an artificial dog poo the other week. I still keep an eye on the market. And very, very, a bit of a development. You know, it hasn't stood still, the artificial dog poo. What if they moved it on?

One had got quite a bit of sturdy sort of Timbaland boots type tread. Really? Fitted into it as if someone had previously studied it. They've added an extra dose of realism. A little bit of authenticity. I love that, Frank. Yeah, I was pleased. There may be a Comebacks in the offing.

Yeah. Right. Should we be talking about this on breakfast? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I wish I could think of a more pleasant... What about when you had to look through that tuba when you take it away, you got a black one?

That was more like it, wasn't it? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email actually last night, yesterday evening in fact. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Last night, yesterday evening. You two. Yeah.

Hopefully the cockerel will pick this up during his Friday night trawl. I trawl through the older emails that we might have got yesterday. How dare you. I know you're always on the lookout for traits which can be used to identify early on whether or not... I thought they were going to say tried. I thought that's it, they're on to me. You made two people simultaneously spit their drink out there. Well done.

That's like the jackpot for a comic, isn't it? It's like, you're what? I think that's the nadir of a joke. I once made a person fall backwards off a stool. I think they thought it was a backed chair. It was a highly drunk individual,

but still. He must have been so happy. Oh, man. Was it a joke or a throat chop? No, no. It was with some of my performance humour, I like to think. Good on you. Anyway, I know you're always on the lookout for...

This is the email continuing now, not me. I know you're always on the lookout for traits which can be used to identify early on whether or not someone is a terrible person. Well, a terrible person is harsh, but yes. Oh, come on. They add in brackets, and these are examples that you have used pinky rings cigar smoker etc yes and this week i was reminded of a particularly awful section of

society oh god people who refer to their cars as she oh my car went in for a service this week and when someone from the garage phoned they kept saying things like we got her in for a look and she could do with new brake pads and she should be ready on Monday. By the end of the conversation, I was biting my own hand with frustration and we'll never go back to this garage again. I'm dreading going back to pick the car as I've no doubt I'll have to enjoy more of the same, but this time in person. And then they give us some praise.

That's Matt. I like you, Matt. I enjoy that. To be fair, I think there's a West Country thing, isn't there? Referring to inanimate objects as if they're...

I can't lift him. I can't. You'll have to take him. I can't lift him. It's all that. If it's like a cupboard or something like that. Oh, she for the car.

West Country yoke. That's what you did. But they do say that. He won't fit. That's lovemaking talk. Hey, oh my. Sorry, I've had a lot of... Heavens to Betsy.

I've had some diners. It's made me a bit skittish. Oh, yeah. You're strong out. I am. Are you strong out? I've never been strong out, except on music. Frank, I've just thought of my very own whatever happened to.

Oh, go on. So, whatever happened to people blowing on their fingernails and then polishing them on their shirt as a sort of gesture of I'm awesome. Yeah, I've done some of it really well, really good. I remember Bugs Bunny used to do it. It's not blowing, it's breathing, is it? Oh, yeah, it's breathing, yeah.

And then polishing that. It's sort of check out my skills. In fact, it's so long that I can't even remember what that was a reference to. What was that about? I don't know what the original... I think it's... You say Bugs Bunny is the sort of i remember bugs bonnie doing it but i think i've probably done it in the past so you know what i'm going to start doing it again all the time

yeah yeah that's why we're not doing that what's the point of having lapels they're crying they're crying out for it lapels i mean they don't serve any other real purpose other than nail polishing. Yeah. They love a badge. And, Frank, Ian says you can't beat a plastic fly in an ice cube from the joke shop. Oh, yeah. Hashtag comedy gold.

Yeah, that was good as well. I mean, I imagine all these things are now online. Can you get them online? But when you went into a shop you could have a proper look. I don't know if you can. I think they'd worry about accident and being sued. I'll tell you what I tried the other day.

I hadn't done for a long time. I got the old red fish on the palm of my hand. Oh yeah. Fortunatella fish. Yeah. What do they have? Passionate for if it turns completely turns over it's passionate

often in reverse I find I think if the if the fins yeah exactly if the fins close in oh yeah

it means you're clenched over clenched in life oh yeah your attitude to life is too clenched false heart as well, Frank?

False heart? False heart, yeah. False heart or something like that is one of the options. I thought you meant as a joke shop thing. A false heart. So you reach into your shirt and say all that. That sounds great. And take a big chunk of offal,

just cut it up, butchers, get a sheep's heart. That looks real. Can you buy them separate, or do you have to buy the whole thing? No, you can buy them separate. That's one thing about butchers, they will split one up for you. I had to do that once, for Jonathan Ross's This Is Your Life, someone said, can you go to the butcher's and get a heart for Roland Riveron? He wants to do a joke involving a piece of meat.

And it was something to do with a heart, yeah. There you go. I don't know why that just came to me, but it did. It's been to be good eating. You're not going to save anyone by not using it, is there?

You might as well have a few laughs out of it before sending the fry pack. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. I was watching the television the other night. Have you ever tried it? It's brilliant. Oh, yeah. I've tried it. Some of it's patchy and some of it's very good. Yeah.

I was watching a film. A review. I was watching a film about comedy. Oh, yeah. Called Dying Laughing. Right. And it was all like, you know, Jerry Seinfeld was on, Gary Shandling,

Sarah Silverman, all these... That lot. Yeah, all the big American comics. And all in black and white it was. Oh yes, they like black and white. Oh. And, uh... So we're watching it, and it's, you know,

it's interesting. They're talking about, you know, comedy. Yeah. interesting. They're talking about comedy. Yeah. Right. Suddenly, I'm on. Shut the hell up. Completely. Honestly, I sort of went, what?

I had to rewind the thing. I couldn't believe it. What happened? I hope someone didn't come in at that point watching you rewinding yourself on telly and also on a black and white, Frank. And I couldn't remember doing it. I dare say you were straight.

What, did you take part in it? Yes, I was. I thought they showed footage of you. No, I was interviewed for it. Oh, my God. All right. And it was, I mean, one of the nice things about growing old is you get more surprises as the memory goes.

I was talking about... I suddenly appeared talking about a desperately bad gig I'd done. Right. Which, as you may know, is my PhD subject, bad gigs. But, yeah, I was properly astonished. Were you good? I was all right, you know. Okay.

But you can't remember doing it? Oh, I'm going to watch that. I think I remember doing it. I'm in a film. I didn't know about it. Be honest now. Was there a bit of you that was searching your email seeing if you'd been paid for it?

Like, name of programme search? Where's my invoice for that? It's weird, though. I just don't remember doing it at all. Great. That can't be good, can it? I don't drink either. It's like a big mental blank. Maybe you were strung out on Lemsip or similar. So anyway, I was watching the new Thor film.

Blow me down if I'm not the gatekeeper of Asgard wow no it's never I mean that is a weird that was a weird experience it shook me

to the to the core to the cause anyway I thought I'd share it with you and now it's gone I also this is a bit more

me I think you'll agree I did an interview with you. No, it's gone. I also, this is a bit more me, I think you'll agree, I did an interview with Saga magazine. Lovely, Frank. Cover girl. Oh, my God, cover girl. They're going to put him on the front with all roses in a bar. That's going to be lovely.

I'm familiar with both sagas as a concept and the saga. Yes, well, I mean, my Norse mythology is a bit scant. Is it? But I thought I'd go for it. It's got one of the biggest circulations. Has it? Yeah. I wouldn't have done an interview about Norse mythology.

I think that might have been an epic fail. Oh, very good. Come on. Come on. Come with me. We got it. We liked it. Come with me.

Did you do the interview or have you appeared in it? It's a magazine for old people. Yes, I'm aware of what it is. But I'm saying, did you do the interview last week or were you in it last week? No, no, I... Well, I don't know. I don't take the saga.

The saga? The saga magazine. I shouldn't think there's an online copy. I think there is. There's all the surfers probably like it. Well, I found them on the landline. I thought you just seemed apt.

Right. I'm the roving ambassador for Hall's Mentholipters lozenges. That's why I was, they were talking to me.

But something happened to me which I hadn't heard for a long time and it slightly freaked me out. Yeah. It kind of

freaked me out. I'll tell you about it because because the Fez has arrived. In case you don't know this show, it's not like this every week. I'm on day nurse. That's Frank's assistant, the Fez. It is pretty much like this every week. I'm on day nurse.

I honestly feel like I'm strong owl. Thank you very much. The producer puts a small face next to me when it's time to shut up. And it's been there five minutes. There's a cobweb between me and it. So I'm going to shut up. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Oh, I'm afraid we've got a correctione. Oh, yeah. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I just have a little

correctione spelt with nay as in horses. N-I-E-G-H. Oh, OK. Correctione.

Day nurse is non-drowsy. Adam, ex-healthcare assistant from Chingford. you on here. Day nurse is non-drowsy. Adam, ex-healthcare assistant from Chingford. Yeah, I don't know if it's drowsiness. Exactly. All the colours have become very vivid in my life. Oh, right. And maybe I've OD'd.

OD'd on day nurse, Frank. I think you can. We've also had a text from 990 saying, of you, work with them all. Forgotten that he've also had a text from 990 saying of you work with them all forgotten that he's worked with them all 990 I forgot I'd worked

with me I'm going to do a correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione

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correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione correctione There you go. Day nurse based. It's the first. Yeah. So anyway, I'm talking to this guy on the landline and I hear... The saga guy?

No, yeah. Yeah? Oh. Now. Press record. Well, I used to... We used to have what they called... Do you know what a party line is?

We've discussed party lines on this show. Oh, yeah. It's the only way I know about them. Yeah. And you used to share your phone line with another person. And sometimes you'd be talking and you'd hear them. And it'd be them picking their phone up and they'd realise that you were on,

so they'd put it back down again. Right. So I always wait for the second click of them putting it back down again. Our assistant here, who is... What are you, 26? 25. 25.

It means a lot when you're 25. Yeah, it means nothing at all. Yeah, my old concept of how old I am is quite fluid. But it worried me because there was no second click. It all went a bit John le Carré. Yes. Oh, yeah. So I wondered if someone was listening to my saga interview.

But I thought it might be him taping it, maybe. Yeah. He might have done that. Don't they have to ask before they do that? Well, he would have had one of those old-fashioned tape recorders bless him. Yeah, probably. He didn't sound that old, though. Did he say, I'm just going to...

My name is J.R. Hartley. You don't have to assume that they all... They might not employ old people. They might have young people working on the magazine for old people. He sounded like a youngish man. Right. But, you know, when I say youngish, I'm talking mid-50s. But youngish there.

I could hear a lot of... Right. ..coming from people going past. Oh, over teeth. But as you say, apparently it's a massive magazine. Oh, it's huge. One of the biggest circulations, thank you. Who'd have thought that?

At a time when circulation becomes so complicated. Exactly, yeah. Very good. Also... Frank, sorry to interrupt, but James Stapleton has just got in touch with some urgent news. I believe they're called the fickle fish of fate. What are?

Oh, those fish things? We were talking about the fortune teller fish, the red one. Oh, really? Because there used to be a thing on Rowan and Martin's Laughing, the popular 1960s American satire show. Oh, I know, you were on it. Which was the fickle finger of fate. And I wonder if old Stapleton's got a bit confused.

I don't think they're called the fickle fish of fate. I think he's right. No, I'm with Stapleton on this. Well, then Rowan and Martin should sue the behinds off the manufacturer. Even then, I think the fickle finger of fate is a phrase, isn't it? That's quite a well-known phrase. No, but this was a trophy.

I remember it was a trophy that was awarded to people who were victims of the fickle finger of fate. Right. Well. I think I'll just have a paracetamol next time. I don't know, I can only apologise. I'll tell you what's strange. What about this for a...

Whatever happens to... Grapefruit. Oh, yeah. what about this for a uh grapefruit oh yeah no i know you might say well i see grapefruit so you're so right it used to be the very heart of the dieting industry yeah right the great for that was what it was the grapefruit diet if you cared about your health that's what you had for breakfast yeah yeah often often with a glass a cherry in the center really yeah which you think was flying in the face of the health sometimes a spoonful of brown sugar no and uh did i tell you i was around the mates house when he had some glassy cherry and we had a look at the box. And it said, in the ingredients, it said 54% cherry. Mm-hm. What do you make of that?

I reckon the rest is... Probably cherry's in the box. I reckon the rest is stone and sugar. No, there's no stones. No stones. Pitted. Pitted. 54% cherry.

Hang on, I'm going to have to recalibrate now. I know it's pitted. Sorry, I'm just saying anything now. Put the music on. Again, that's every week. Anything's just coming out now. I'm not well. This is the MO, that's what we do.

This is the MO. MO. Mode of software. He's confused now. I know what that means. He's actually confused. I am. He's getting defensive.

I've reached a state. I need to do a joke. Here's a joke. Here am. He's getting defensive. I've reached a stage. I need to do a joke. Here's a joke. Here you go. Noel Coward. Nice bloke, but terrified of Christmas. We've had a text from 990 saying, MO equals modus operandi, my idiotic eureka moment.

Oh. Which I take a lot of pleasure from that, because it was me that said it just moments ago. No, no, no one was suggesting it wasn't you who said it. If I can't be funny, I do like to be informative. That's always been my motto. I'd kill for either this morning. It's all gone a bit Capital Radio for me, I'm afraid.

Don't talk yourself out of the game. No, no, I'm kidding. What struck me about the grapefruit is... Do you remember when I was talking about if I had a greengrocer's and calling it the Apple Store? Oh, yeah. It meant all the trouble I'd get into with the big corporations. When the grapefruit come out, wasn't the grape people in it?

Didn't they think, hold on a minute, we've already got a fruit. A grape is a fruit. Right, there should have been some kind of copyright. What do you mean a grapefruit? What are you getting at? Yeah. What's the grape element? You raise a very good point. It's so true.

Why has nobody ever noticed that before, that it's got the name of a fruit in it? Yeah. And then fruit. I believe it was Harry Hill who said, hamburger, beef does all the work, ham gets all the credit. Yeah. Similarly for the grapefruit.

Why even bring up the grape? Yeah. They're just trying to get in on somebody else's... Similarly for the grapefruit. Why even bring up the grape? They're just trying to get in on somebody else. Or do they think it sounds a bit decadent and Roman and a bit more enjoyable? When the Sharon fruit came out, I don't imagine there was... Shazza fruit. When there was a meeting and they were going, oh, we're going to call it the apple fruit,

I imagine people went, no, no, we can't, there's already an apple fruit. Why don't the grape people get motivated and get... No. I would sue them. Yeah. I would pursue the grapefruit people and say, you know, we are a fruit, the grape.

People are going to go and say, get us some grapes. Come back with a grapefruit. Yeah. I can't believe it's been allowed to happen you're right you raised some very good points oh yeah thanks very much the people doing the PR for grapes I mean what are they up to well I don't mean they're doing that the trouble is they're vain they've based their attack very much on the medical market. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And I think that puts people off them. Yeah. Somebody gets me grapes, though, and I think, oh, they've got a bit of MRSA on them. Also, they were working a lot in the Roman Empire, and now they've given up. Exactly.

You never see anyone, never see a peel of grapefruit. No. And they actually need, they need peeling. They do. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. Lots of people have this morning. Trying to help me out a bit. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio web. You've lit up the switchboard with your grapefruit chat.

Yeah. Is it the grape people? Grapes legal people? No. Well, we know why they've become less popular because Steve Brooks from Stratford-upon-Avon has told us. Go on, then. OK.

Hi, guys. That's not very Stratford-upon-Avon. Hi, guys. Did Shakespeare say that? What about those people who say Stratford-upon-Avon? Oh! Did they? Yeah.

Oh, I don't know those people. Yeah. And I'm going to keep it that way. The reason that grapefruit has become less popular Oh, I don't know those people. And I'm going to keep it that way. The reason that grapefruit has become less popular is that so many people are now taking statins for high cholesterol. If you take statins, you're advised not to eat grapefruit as it can cause severe cramps. Keep it light, Steve.

Wow, severe cramps. I've done it. What are statins you take them to take your cholesterol levels down I believe something like that that's a bit easier than not eating loads of fatty food isn't it although there's apparently there's a bit of debate as to whether or not cholesterol is as bad as

but is there anything about which there is not a bit of debate that's what makes life interesting as bad as... But is there anything about which that is not a bit of a debate? That's what makes life interesting. And 848 has said in non-grapefruit related news, Hi Frank and the gang, whatever happened to Mooning?

Regards, that's Henners from Gravesend. Henners is one of our regulars now. Quite a shift in tone from statins to mooning. It's true, though. It used to be great foods to mooning in many ways. It used to be quite a big thing, mooning, didn't it?

It did. It's probably just as well it's gone. I'm not sure about the hygiene aspects. I can't remember the last time I partook. Emily? I don't know if I've... Frank? I don't remember if I've ever moon? I don't wish to discuss this on air.

I don't remember if I've ever mooned. Don't believe you. No, it's difficult. Mind you, you can't even remember television programmes you've been on, so you're a terrible source. Well, I've come to think of it, I mooned on that show. I don't think something the ladies do. I don't think I've ever mooned.

I remember there was a Manchester comedian who was very new, wasn't getting much paid work. And he did this joke about, he had crop circles drawn on his buttocks. And I saw him do a gig and he dropped his trousers and turned around and gave that as the punchline. And he got no laugh and he stayed down for about 30 seconds. And there was some glinting. I'll never know what that was.

But he just stayed there. It stayed as if he was sort of, you know, drying out. It was a really weird, terrible... That's your glinting answer. Suddenly he's interviewed in Dying Laughing. I don't remember what. It was one of those, the punchline didn't quite make sense. But then he thought, if I stay long enough, they'll work it out.

But of course, we were all appalled. You're eating a bit of food, aren't you, sir? No. I'll tell you about... No, I'm not. Take that back. You don't like it when I flag it up, but I think we've got an honesty policy on this show. OK, you're right. You were.

I had a crisp. Alright. Wow. What about this 716? Frank Stunner. Good morning from South America. First time listener. They then had some praise, which has been, I think they meant Frank Skinner. I think they did. Or they're calling you a stunner. But what a lovely Frank Stunner. Frank Stunner

would have been alright as a stage. That was too late now to change. It's better than Wes Bromwich that you moved to Glasgow. It would have been a good name if I'd worked in an abattoir. You say it's too late, but for your Taskmaster audience, who aren't as familiar with the Kim Kardashian back catalogue, Perhaps it's time to just start all over again, do a PD. Lovely. Lovely.

Lovely. We've got some Christmas news this week. Oh, good. I don't know if she's a friend of the show yet, but she might be in the future. Zoella, Sarah that works on the show, just frowned at the idea. I like Zoella. Zoella, we should say, is one of them internet sensations. She's a YouTuber.

She's a YouTuber. What kind of hits are we talking about? Well, the only clip I've ever seen of her, she was discussing a bath mat that she'd bought. Okay. Non-slip. It was a sort of terry-toweling-y thing, and she just discussed it.

I think she's got one of those towels, those baths with the swinging doors. Yes. I imagine she's got one of those towels, those baths with the swinging doors. Yes. I imagine so. I think she's an uncomplicated social media presence. I don't think there's a side to it. She's got 11.8 million followers on Twitter. 11.8 million.

Well, that would mean respect to Munda. Yeah. Just a bit more than... Yeah, yeah. That's quite a lot. But anyway... That's tremendous. Charles Manson only had about 40.

I mean, tops, when he was at his peak. Yeah. Yeah. They were more motivated than hers. Charles Bronson, I think, chooses not to be on it. That's true, yeah. Charles Bronson, the... Yes.

He might not be allowed. But I think he would have lots as well. So, you know, we all get there using different means. Even in internet sensation world Zoella is mega isn't she massive she's the original

yeah and the best what would you say come down dear what's the secret of her success I thought that was the Coca-Cola thing

the original and the best well she does a lot of videos from she does it with her husband she does a lot of videos

oh she's married yeah I believe so are they no no maybe they just live together oh she's married? Yeah, I believe so. No, no, maybe they just live together. Oh, what? They live under the brush, I believe your mother would. Over the brush. That's what your mother calls it.

Zoella's living over the brush. Oh. I thought her thing was that she's like squeaky clean. Oh, she is. But they do lots of, Hi guys, we're just going to make some Brussels sprouts together. So we put the water on. Oh, it's all... It's all that sort of thing.

It's very Theatre of the Monday in which you can imagine me watching. You know, YouTube once suggested to me that I watch a man showing me around his lorry cabin. So, you know, this is the sort of stuff... Well, they suggested that to me, but there's different reasons. This is the sort of stuff I thrive on. Lorry cabin? Does he say, hi guys, I've got the articulated... I suggested that to me, but there's different reasons. This is the sort of stuff I thrive on. Laurie Cabin.

Does he say, hi guys, I've got the articulated... It was literally just a bloke showing us around the cabin. And in this cupboard here, I keep the kettle. And that was it. That was all it was. But based on my previous stuff that I've watched, YouTube thinks Alan will like this. Did he show you? And then on the front, of course,

the frontispiece is the grubby teddy bear. Exactly. Or the Michelin man. All that kind of stuff. So, you know, Zoella saying, oh, here's a bath mat, or this is how to boil the kettle. Brilliant.

Right up my straws. I know, I respect her. I think the talented people have had their own way long enough. Exactly. It's a bad time. The whole thing was opened up. And it's just like

an absolute competition winner. It could be anybody. Yeah. We haven't even talked about what she's done yet. Oh, I'm just going to have to... I mean, just, I think a lot of our listeners,

and I'm saying this because I have tremendous respect for them, might not know who she is. Yeah. Yes. And she will come on and say, here's my new bath mat

and get 9 million hits so there you go guys that's pretty remarkable why didn't I think all those years writing jokes and you could have been Frank Stoner with your own YouTube channel Frank Stoner yeah I've just had a new

tea towel tea towel holder yeah there you go what about that had the new tea towel tea towel holder yeah there you go about that and then I think I do a joke one when it was

pull the wall and it's just a boxer dog absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio you've tickled me there Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You've tickled me there, Frank. Just the thing you said. We can't say what you said. Alan Frank. Alan Frank. Yeah. Yeah. Is doing something extraordinary with his coffee cup.

Oh, yeah. I've perched my coffee cup onto the lid of his coffee cup. Oh, yeah. I've perched my coffee cup onto the lid of my coffee cup because Emily Dean recommended it as a possibility. Well, not my words, but the words of Dave Mutton. Dave Mutton?

Dave Mutton. Yeah. Good friends with George Lamb. Yeah. An idiotic... Poor old Dave Mutton. If he's called Dave Mutton, he must have had that all his life.

Oh, I'm sorry. Luckily, he's a bit Motten. An idiotic eureka moment for Alan's Friday night trawl. This week, I learned that the lids of disposable coffee cups can be removed and used as a coaster. The base of the cup slots in perfectly. I'm just doing it now. It does.

It fits the tree. It gives it like a little stand. It a bit like a camp isn't it like the world cup or something i won't do that dave martin because i like the slightly new york busy lady on the go vibe of drinking through the spout oh okay okay thank you that's how we all turned all turned plastic. I'm always a bit put off. Speak for yourself. People, when I see them in the street with the big cup. Oh, yeah. Are you?

Yeah, I just think you don't need that. Two-handed, some of them. You think you need it, but you don't. It's always Britney. Britney always has a big drink. Does she? Well, she favours the... Spots and a big drink.

That's how I think of Britney. And an umbrella, Ella she? Well, she favours the... Spots and a big drink. That's how I think of Britney. And an umbrella, Ella. I would say she favours... Sorry, Al, but I have to get this in. Yeah, go on. I would say she favours the Frappuccino, the cold version. Yeah.

Well, that's probably where the spots came from. Even more disgusting. I don't understand these celebrities that you see in LA, pictured in the Daily Mail, buying coffee in their workout gear. Why aren't they getting changed at the gym? What's their problem?

Just put it in a little bag and get changed at the gym or shower at the gym and then go for coffee. You don't need to... Who wants to sit next to someone that reeks after a workout in Starbucks, mate? Well, no, I think you'll find leisure wear has changed. It's now... I think you'll find it's called Sports Lux. That look.

Thank you. Oh, I don't know any Sports Lux. No, I can see that. Meanwhile, hi guys. All right, we're back at Zoella. Zoella Towers. Who I approve of. But yes, she got in a bit of trouble.

Just like him. I mean, just like him. Someone do a David Bellamy impression. Come on. That's my whole reference for her. We are in the most fabulous undergrowth, sweating for miles. Excellent. Now we have to do

Prince Charles. No, no. Team show. Yeah. We all did one. Okay. She released a, I nearly said a Christmas advent calendar there, but I mean an advent calendar for the Christmas market.

Well, got to stop you there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Was it an advent calendar? Well, this is where she got in a bit of trouble, isn't it? Because it only had 12 items in it. 12 windows. 12 windows, yeah.

12 days. And I don't think it was a historical reference to the window tax from Georgian times. No. Well, they've put a twist on it to save a little bit of money. They've called it the 12 days of Christmas calendar, which, as we all know, follows Christmas. Even a heathen like me

knows this. Right. And the Advent, Frank, I'll go over to our religious expert, is the expectant time before Christmas, presumably.

It's four weeks. It starts with the, it's four Sundays, basically. Right. So the last one being like the Christmas week thing. So it's the four weeks

roughly before Christmas. Okay. Thanks to our religious correspondent, Frank Stunner. So it's not an advent calendar no make that clear it's the 12 days of christmas which is as you say it makes more sense in a way so if you're buying someone for christmas yeah then they can um open a thing every day i mean it had other problems as a product yeah it's 50 quid it was 50 qu. And the total contents of it were worth 25. That was...

They've halved the price now. Yes, and now it's... Because there's been such an outrage over it. I mean, now you could buy it and still got it for cost. Did you see some of the contents? Well, there's three cookie cutters for a starter. Yeah. I mean...

A gingerbread man is starting an angel. That's if you're making biscuits. Yeah. So there's gingerbread man is not an angel. That's if you're making biscuits. So there's only 12. There's 12 things. You don't want three of them to be the same thing. Yeah. What about a chisel? For the boxing day.

Can you imagine Frank's advent calendar? It's not an advent calendar. Calm down dear. You're absolutely right. It reminded me of advent calendar. Oh, calm down, dear. You're absolutely right. Embarrassing yourself. It reminded me of that time. Do you remember for years,

well, I don't even know if you know this about me, I'm pretty sure we talked about it on the show, but I usually buy a pen and paper diary, like an old school diary, not in my phone,

99 pence. Get it from a pound shop every year, 99 pence. Do you shout them down to 99 pence? Yeah, exactly. shop every year 99 pence and I think you shout them down to 99 pence yeah exactly gotta have a haggle I think the first year

I joined this show we got to a week where it wasn't in my diary yeah it was just missing there was a page so I was thinking maybe she's just

lost a few yeah it could just be a clerical error and they've rolled with it well I mean let's go with it she said she's been

working on it for a year it. Well, I mean... They just said, let's go with it. She said she's been working on it for a year. She honestly said that. Oh, it's nice to meet someone whose output is lower than mine. Unbelievable. She's been working, not even an advent calendar, but she's been working on a 12-window Christmas calendar for a year. That's a month a window.

We were talking this, I think Muriel Spark wrote The Private Miss Jean Brody in a month. Remains of the day in five weeks. Yeah, Zoella, a year, imagine that. Zoella, you're coming out tonight, I can't. The Christmas calendar thing. Advent? No. It's going to be Advent, but in a year I just can't get them all in.

I can't come out. I'm absolutely flat out with a calendar. I mean, three... Why don't you make it easier for yourself? Have three other things. Have 25% of the gifts, the same thing. That would give me a bit of leeway.

You're right. I feel bad about that, though. I might have to take it down from the 100 quid to the 50 quid I had in mind. Goodness me. I mean, I don't want to, you know, I'm sure she's a lovely young woman,

but get help if you can't, if you can't knock that out in a year. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about Zoella in the calendar. Yeah. We've already established that some of the contents um i mean people were suggesting that perhaps it was it was a little bit tight wasn't it the glitter confetti three cookie cutters some tangerine room spray tangerine rooms and seven

stickers it was either called tangerine or clementine Christmas clementine room spray but what does that mean room spray? is that a toilet thing? no I think it's to make your room smell christmassy but so much opening a clementine just eat one then you get the associated vitamin C I just get fed up of all this fakery Frank just eat one of those little easy peelers vitamin C, I just get fed up of all this fakery, Frank. Oh, come on, calm down.

Just eat one of those little easy peelers instead of having a spray for it. I'm just, I am fascinated by the whole world of this person. Are you? Are you? It makes me wonder about the theory of evolution. Shouldn't we keep improving humankind? Oh, no. Oh, okay. Sorry, I misread it.

I think Darwinian logic is that if it's preferred, it might not be the best one, but you just get it. That's what happens. If you select for it, then it... I don't know, I'm not a scientist. Well, I watched her video in which she... Oh, did you? ..in which she endeavoured to explain the £50 price tag on the Christmas. And what did you think of her? Well, she said, you know, I made it. I'm sweating away for a year.

I took a picture of her in a boiler suit, a pair of scissors, cutting one of the doors. Assembling the glitter confetti. Yeah, confetti, not as a Christmasy. It's not up to me how much they charge for it. So I had no idea it was going to be 50 quid. Were you buying what she was selling?

Well, I was starting to think, shut your face and then she got a little bit teary and I started to think oh you know

it's a young girl at the end of the day how old is Zoella would you say I think 23 yeah I mean she's a young girl she started to get

a bit teary and she said she said there are people who are saying I'm just you know I'm just in it for the money how dare they that's not who I am she said there are people who are saying I'm just in it for the money. How dare they?

That's not who I am, she said. And she got to be... And then I thought, oh, lay off. So that's not why she's in it. So why is Zoella in it? 8, 12, 15. What does Zoella want? 8, 12, 15.15. What does Zoella want? 8.12.15.

Okay. There's no creative satisfaction, presumably. You don't think? Well, I haven't had a good look at the Christmas calendar. Yeah? I'm guessing it's not a wondrous structure. No. I imagine it's cardboard.

Anyway, we should say, if anyone's... I don't want to put anyone off buying it it's got they've slashed they've halved the price now they've slashed the price and you can get Zoella's tears in one of the doors oh that'd be

apparently that'd be great actual tears an actual canister of her tears yeah you could probably people queuing up like lords if you had one of those book of spells

there's something pretty marvellous with Zoella's tears I bet don't you think tears of Zoella's tears, I bet. Don't you think? Tears of Zoella, yeah. I bet you could, I could probably make myself

younger or something if I robbed them into my, you know that bit at the base of your spine that's a bit hairier than the rest of your back? Yes.

If you robbed it into there, wake up the next day I'd look like, um, Richard Bacon. Oh, Richard Bacon. Yeah, when I woke up like Richard Bacon. Oh, Richard Bacon. Yeah, when I woke up the next day. Yeah.

You know in Hammer films, often they're the blood of virgins and stuff like that. Yeah. I think the tears of an internet sensation, which I think was a popular Smokey Robinson hit. She could probably sell her tears, couldn't she? Oh, she definitely could. Wow, just imagine that.

Yeah, just chop a few onions, make a few quids. I've got you some... Here, I've got you some... What is it? Small file? Yeah, it's no Ella tears. You all right with that? That's fantastic. It's one of those presents you wouldn't buy yourself. That's what I thought.

Yeah. You should watch the video. It's more moving than you might imagine it would be. I will. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a bit of feedback on the Zoella discussion from Julian Oldbury. Loving the Zoella discussion, much to my 11-year-old daughter's disgust.

Oh, of course, you'll be loving it. Hilarious, yeah. I thought you went sympathetic towards the end. You did. I thought to the tears. Yeah. Judging by the price of her other tats, she's most definitely in it for the money.

Oh, that's not quite so nuanced. No. But, you know. What is her other tat? What else has she got on the market? I believe. oh that's oh dear yeah that's not quite so nuanced no yeah but you know what is her other tat what else has she got on the market I believe

she says have you seen the reviews of their hello world show so there must be a show oh really yeah what they do

Zoella that would be good wouldn't it hi guys we're doing an outing aren't we as a show we are

yeah let's go and see hello world we could toss a coin between seeing Zoella's show or finding that bloke showing people around his lorry. I would love to see that. When you say finding that bloke, I thought you'd come across some missing person. Go into that for a works outing.

Didn't the man show you around his lorry? Last seen in Western Supermere. Did he have anything in the lorry? No, it was like this is where I sleep. Not even a pennant. Oh, I think he had bits and bobs. A pennant? A germane, as I call them.

A football club pennant. Aston Villa or something. Or the Cross of St George on the back of the car. Right, yeah, yeah. I think it was... It was just an empty lorry. Might not even have been his. yeah. I think it was... It was just an empty lorry. It was pretty spartan in there. Might not even have been his.

No, I think it was his, but I think he was a man of few material needs. It's now time for about four weeks, Frank, of Attack Upon Christmas news. Yes. It begins now time for about four weeks, Frank, of Attack Upon Christmas news. Yes. It begins now. And it begins in great style.

I mean, this is a yearly tradition, the Attack Upon Christmas news, isn't it? Yeah. Greg's have had to apologise for putting a sausage roll in an activity scene. They put a sausage roll in the baby Jesus crib. Yes. And they've had to say sorry. So they've got the three wise men gathered around a sausage roll. Yeah.

In a manger. In the manger. It was. No one puts a sausage roll in the manger. No. It's a line from Dirty Dancing. Yeah. What about when Daisy, the producer, asked Frank if he'd seen it earlier?

He went, no. He's never seen Dirty Dancing. It's, um... I mean, it's an attack upon Christmas. It looks pret-a-manger. Very good. Very good. That's why he gets the big bucks.

They've missed the trick, haven't they? Yeah, they have. It's a manger. What did you think of the sausage roll in the manger? Well... I hope you're going to use the phrase attack upon Christmas. I wasn't happy with it, really. Weren't you?

What? I don't understand. I sort of... I wasn't... I refuse to be offended now because the offended are such a dull section of society. Right.

Ever expanding. People's getting offended by something every day of the week. Oh, so what? You're right. Don't even tell us. This is great, Frank. This is a really secular approach that you're taking to this.

Love it. I did think if you consider that Jesus is Jewish, the sausage roll substitute is brave. Yeah. Oh, yeah. As well as an attack on, you know... But the Christians are all right with the meat of a pig, aren't they? They're fine with it, aren't they?

Look, I'll tell you, one thing about the Christians, in the old days, we used to kill people who crossed us. And I'm glad we've stopped doing that. Yes. I'm happy about that. So let them get the sausage roll in the manger if it makes them happy. Not with a bite out of it. 100% agree, though.

Let them have the sausage roll. I shouldn't think you get too many wise men in Greggs. It is fair to say the engine room of the National Obesity Crisis. I mean, is it fair to say? Our lawyers are probably looking at that. I think they should use that as their slag. They can have it. That's their strapline.

Yeah, lose the manger, get the engine room. I think people would come a-flocking. That's their elastic strapline. Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

Text the show on 81215 Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website Appreciate it So we're still discussing the attack upon Christmas that is the Greg greg's sausage roll thing i don't i mean i'll be honest with you i don't really and you know i'm not from your corner of the faith spectrum no um but it is a bit hit and miss the outrage isn't it because

to me putting the sausage roll in the place of of Jesus in the nativity scene is less offensive than hot cross buns, which are a confectionery depiction of the crucifix, aren't they? Is that offensive? Well, I think it would be if I took it all seriously. I'd be finding that quite... That's a bit pestered on Sunday here. That's a cake version of crucifixion, isn't it? Surely, surely that's outrageous, but Greg's all set on it. In that way, you're going to turn against donkeys. Yeah.

But what about the gold? Spot the ball wouldn't be allowed anymore. I mean, you can't get rid of the cross completely. And I just, what I objected to was the nonsensical nature of the narrative. Because you don't bring gold, frankincense and myrrh to a sausage roll. They're not going to appreciate it. You bring moot off.

Is that a sort of condiment? Yeah, something like that. Ketchup or... Don't go, here's myrrh. Don't put myrrh in the manger. No. Well, you do put myrrh in the manger. You don't put it in the manger if there's a sausage roll there. Anyway. Nobody puts myrrh in the egg. You don't put it in the manger if there's a sausage roll there. Anyway.

Nobody puts myrrh on a sausage roll. Myrrh is, I believe, its ointment to embalm the dead. Is it? I suppose there are dead animals

in a sausage roll. True. I never think about that, do you? What about fricking sense? See all that roast, roast dinner boiled? I've been embalmed, actually. Oh, thanks. Can you embal roast dinner boiled? I've been embalmed, actually. Oh, Frank.

Can you embalm me a piece? It's for Christmas. Has anyone ever... Could you eat it? I'm embalming it for you. I imagine it's a bit salty. No, it would be wrong. No, Frank.

Frank, has any publisher or anyone in your life ever suggested you produce some sort of product called frankincense? Oh, yeah. And attempted to make some sort of product called frankincense? Oh, yeah. And attempted to make some sort of pun out of it. Well, maybe I'll do if I charge it 50 quid. 50 quid, spend a year thinking about it. Yeah.

What you could do is some, like, rants, like a ranty comic. Yes. No, I'll bring out some incense. Frank's incensed. Frank's incensed. Yeah, or I could just bring out some incense. Frank's incensed. That I've sort of put together, I could just bring out some incense. Frank's Incensed. That I've sort of put together, my own fragrance.

With a sort of Birmingham smells on it. Oh, yeah. Bullring Shopping Centre fragrance. When a Catholic celebrity says they're bringing out their own fragrance, they mean incense, not perfume. But I did like, on this Christmas topic, I did like the sound... You've actually bought a Christmas topic.

I did like the sound of the Christmas pizza. Did you hear? It's from Anster. It has Brussels sprouts, potatoes, roast chicken, etc, etc. I've got to tell you, I loved the look of it. Carby. Have they stolen the idea of the Frank roast dinner crisps? Yeah.

Remember that? I do. Oh, yeah. I had my own flavour of crisps for a brief period of time based on the roast dinner. But, you know, I'm all right with it. Yeah. It did look nice, the Christmas dinner pizza.

I think so. I've got to say, that could be the Christmas outing. We'll go out and get one of those. But they're from Asda. Oh, because that's not depressing. Is that our Christmas outing? How depressing. £2.60 for a 10-inch pizza.

That's all right. Is that how much it is? Yeah, it doesn't get better than that. £50 for a Christmas calendar. £2.60 for a... I'm not sure they're either or purchases. I'll tell you what's great about it. If you've got someone imprisoned in a cupboard in your house,

which a lot of... I mean, I know it's not talked about, but a lot of people have. A lot of our listenership. At Christmas, you can just put the pizza under the door. You don't even have to open the door. Yeah, you couldn't do that with a Christmas dinner, could you? No. I appreciate I sighed there

in a rather world-weary fashion. Yeah, yeah. Oh, this again. I think morale... Piston on Sunday's back. I think morale is everything when it comes to domestic imprisonment.

You keep their spirits up, by all means. And as a side, you could have some of Greg's lovely precinct blankets. Beautiful. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Can we talk about Victoria Beckham, please?

Always. Firstly, she bumped me off my dining table last night. She did what? I can't go into too many details, but I'm just saying. She bumped you off your dining table? I was at a dinner with friends. Oh, yeah. And we had to move to another table.

Because of Phoebe? Yes, yes. She wasn't coming and then she was. Oh. So there you go. Producer loves that little bit of intel there.

Anyway. That's probably a good restaurant though. Yes it was. But how do you mean they bumped you off your table? So what happens is they see you

because they thought she wasn't coming I think is what happened and then they had to come over and apologise and say I'm sorry she is coming now which is why they gave us the table so could you please move because there were fewer of us

than her party i was at the brits once and i was talking to lennox lewis and michelle gale and a couple of other people and um keep the celebs work with them all keep the celebs... Work with them all. Keep the celebs A-list, love. Forgotten he's worked with them all. And this bloke come over and said, Miss Campbell has asked if you would move to another table so she could come here with her friends. I looked up and Naomi Campbell's there with a bunch of... I said, we'll all get on here. Be all right. He said, no, she doesn't want to share with anyone.

I said, mate, she doesn't want to share with anyone. I said, mate, is the heavyweight champion of the world? I think he's going to move. I said, you're not moving. I said, no. I love it when you stand up for Lennox. I just thought it was proper rude.

Michelle Gale as well. To be fair to VB, I don't think she knew this was going on. Anyway, Naomi went home when we wouldn't move. Excellent. That's a good outcome to the story. It surprised me because her reputation is usually of being a kind, warm-hearted woman. Anyway, she... Beautiful. I can't get round here.

VB. She did this thing, I think it was this week this happened. She was charging fans for her fashion advice. She wasn't really charging. The money went to charity. Oh, did it? Eventually, but it sounded like that was an afterthought.

At the end, the bloke said, what shall we do with the money? It's two dollars for a piece of advice. A piece of fashion advice. And she said, oh, let's give it to charity. As if there was a moment when she was going to keep it. She was going to pocket it. That would have been brilliant.

If she'd have done that, I would have been so... Yeah, respect. Yeah, if she'd kept it. If she'd made like $60 and thought, oh, I'm having that. I bet she did some back-of-the-envelope maths and thought, oh, once you take out 50% for tech, you may as well just give it to charity. I can't be bothered with

the working out. It's too much workings out. Yeah, exactly. It's going to cost them more in time. But she appeared live via iPad like the Great Oz on the screen. Yeah, in the manner of the Great Oz. And this was in Central Park, was it not? Yes.

And she was very nice to people. I mean, people came up and they queued for fashion advice. Well, apparently they didn't at first. At first people weren't sure about it. They were nervous. Like when they give out free money in the street on prank shows. She started saying, come on, you need advice, don't be shy.

In a sort of babe watch. I was going to say more like... You know when they waggle the phone and go, come on guys, call me. I thought it was also a bit Delia Smith trying blocked. You know when they waggle their phone and go come on guys. I thought it was also a bit Delia Smith trying to inspire the troops a bit. But she was nice to people. She told one man to keep his man

bun. She said it's super flattering. She liked the word super. I think that seems to be one of her favourite words. I didn't like it because he took it down. He said, well, what do you think? And he looked a bit like Cherie Blair when he took the hair down. I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

I'm just saying that's what he looked like. But she told him to keep it up. So she was sort of giving him the right advice, but in a positive way, rather than saying it looks bad when it's down. She was saying, keep the man bun. She was positive. Yeah, she seems quite positive.

I think she's probably all right. Yeah. Contrary to all the... Yeah, I liked some of her advice as well. I liked her in Spice the Movie. Did you? Yeah. I thought she was funny in that.

I think she is probably. I like her in the fair. Her insistence, you know, on keeping with the heels and all that stuff. Yeah. She did give advice of when someone said, what do I wear when it's cold? And she did say wear a coat. I love that advice.

Yeah. As I believe they say in The Devil Wears Prada, groundbreaking. But that was a good one. What shoes do you wear with culottes? We've all seen that go wrong. Yeah. I thought that was a good piece of advice. When I wear culottes, I wear those

shoes with five toes. Is that wrong? You wear a croc with your culottes. I usually go sans culottes. Alright. Do you know that the sans culottes are a revolutionary group? Yes.

I like a culotte, but I don't think a man can wear one, can they? Oh. Well, they look a bit what you always refer to as a 90s England supporter. Yeah, they have got that. They're at that level. With the backless trainer. They often wear them with a white slip-on trainer.

I know they do, Frank. I know. We are talking about a woman whose husband has worn a sarong in the past, so let's not get too... Don't knock David. I'm not. I'll tear someone at David. I'll tear someone that I don't like black shoes with blue jeans. Let me have a think about that.

You are absolutely right. 100. 100% right. Male and female. Oh. Well, this is a bit awkward. Controversial. Why, have you got them now? Yeah. Oh, I think of it as a bit delolio, this is a bit awkward. Why, have you got them now? Oh, I think of it as a bit delolio.

It is a bit. That's not a bad thing in my book. No, you're right, it should really be brown. A brown shirt with a jean. Oh, yes. Come here for your fashion advice, ladies and gentlemen. Two dollars. I've got two jumpers on today. That's how cold they are.

Oh. And the one underneath this has got moth holes. Oh. My fashion advice to everyone, if I could give you one piece of advice, it's say goodbye to linen. No good will come of it. Linen?

Yeah. And I'm afraid it creases terribly and it's a little bit John Sargent. What if there's a bloke who's married to a woman called Lynn and he heard you say goodbye to Lynn and then just the radio crackled? You might have ruined a perfectly happy marriage. When has someone worn linen and you thought, wow, that's a showstopper?

Maybe if I've been in an Egyptian cafe and a fat Englishman has come coming in a linen suit and fedora. And I've just had like a night shirt and a fez on and gone over and tried to sell him exotic postcards. I'm all right with that. But generally, Sydney Green Street, I'd say, would be the actor in the linen suit. Don't know his work. But it is crunchy. I wear a linen suit for test matches.

Oh. Okay. Seems to work with that. Good shout. I don't mind a bit of crumpling. Wow. Even when naked. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Victoria Beckham this morning on Absolute Radio. Mm-hm. And the fashion advice that she was giving out in Central Park.

Doing a deal with Reebok. She's not. She is. She isn't. That's what it said, doing a deal with Reebok. Is it Reebok? Is it Reebok or Reebok? I think it's Ree. Ree, yeah. As in R-E-E Reebok. Is it Reebok or Reebok? I think it's Ree.

Ree, yeah. As in R-E-E. Is it Nike or is it Nike? Nike. No. I don't know me Adidas from me elbow. No, we established I think it was Nike because it's Athena Nike Temple. What's the creature on...

Oh, here we go. I love a creature. What's the creature on Schlesinger? Panther. Oh. Puma. Puma the creature on Slazinger? Er... Panther. Puma. No, that would be very complicated. Can't be a puma.

No. Some sort of panther? Bobcat? Bobcat? I assumed that there was a Slazinger. Is there not a creature called a Slazinger? What, ripped to death by a Slazinger? I feel like an absolute idiot now.

All my life I've assumed that there was a Slazenger. A Slazenger cat? You don't keep Slazengers on a long Diamante collar. Am I a real fool? Is that what's happened here? Did you honestly think there's an animal called a Slazenger? I think he did actually think that. Everybody on the show has just

scribbled down Slazenger as if thinking well that's ammo to get Alan with. Yeah. I'm thinking cheetah, possibly, to suggest speed and slinkiness. Oh, yeah. What do you think? Wow.

What about lynx? Yeah, but the coat suggests a lushness, sitting around in the lounge with a whiskey. The coat of the cheetah. Well, it's in silhouette, isn't it, on Slazenger? Oh, I suppose so. It's got quite a chunky, fat tail. You know the fat-tailed cats?

Yeah. How dare you? Anyway, if any, at 12.15, what is it? What's that critter on Slazenger? If I can say a little first, it's a bobcat. It could be a bobcat. I hope somebody else has thought that a Slazenger is a critter on Schlesinger? It's a bobcat. Could be a bobcat. I hope somebody else has thought that Schlesinger is a creature.

A panther or a lynx. Lynx would be another problem. So many of them have already been nabbed, haven't they? Lynx has gone. Puma, obviously. No wonder you end up with things like that. Since you remember cheetah briefs, you could buy. I tell you what, all the big cats get snapped up. Yeah.

There's none left. It could be a lioness. Oh, yeah, with a lion waist. But I like the fact that she gave out the same advice as me. She said, you have to have a great coat. That's obvious. And I did an interview where it said, have you got any advice for upcoming comics?

And I said, get a really cosy winter coat, and that way if you arrive early at the gig, you can roll it up and use it as a pillow and have a nap in the dressing room. That's... Me and Victoria Beckham like peas in a pod, aren't we? See, this is where I sympathise with you, comics, because I think comedy and fashion

are similar in that everyone thinks that they are able to do it. So everyone dispenses fashion advice in the same way that people will say whether something's funny or not. Do you see what I mean? So I often have people coming up to me with comments, and I think,

I've been at the coalface for 20 years, love. You are a minor, aren't you? You should tell them that. But unsolicited fashion advice. I'd like to know how you stop a narrow trouser from sitting on the pull tabs of your Chelsea boots. That's a great question. 8, 12, 15. I'd go for a double roll-up.

I always end up looking like Dr McCoy. I just sit on the top in that thing. Somewhat vindicated here, Alan Cochran, 498 has texted, I too thought Slazinger was a type of cat. I'm with stupid. That's from Danny in Liverpool. Well, you're still vindicated. Yeah, somewhat vindicated. Odd form of vindication. I feel like

a triumph now. Meanwhile, thank you Danny. 881, it's a panther. I look after their trademarks. That's Robin Redding. Okay. Okay. Okay. I mean, it makes you wonder why they haven't just called the brand Panther.

Yeah, Panther would have been fine. Yeah, it's just the same as Schlesinger, really, and then there would be less confusion from people like me and Danny. There was a guy called Martin Schlesinger who started it. That would be my theory. I forget that you know so much about the... But anyway, Victoria's with Reebok. Let's not have any confusion.

It's weird. I thought David was with Adidas. That must have caused some tension. I don't think you have to necessarily... It's like you don't have to take their name anymore. Yeah. You don't have to have the same sponsor. You're absolutely right.

You make some very good points. And also, does David know when he's added that thing? He's not still, it would have been included football boots and proper sports shoes. Yeah. But now it'll be like just cash

wear. Yeah, what's it called? Glamorous leisure wear. It's called, nearly darling, sports locks. Sports locks. Lovely effort from both. Thanks very much. What did I call it? Glamorous leisure wear. Yeah.

So it's locks as in luxurious, is it? Yeah, L-U-X-E, thank you. Not any reference to the Duchy of Luxembourg. I don't think so, no. Did I tell you when I flew to Venice and the bloke said, if you look out the window on the left, you'll see Luxembourg. And I sang,

past the duchy on the left-hand side. Of course you did. Nobody got it. Oh, I wish I'd been on that flight. Within 48 hours, I was in Venice singing, Who Put The Doge Out? Who Let The Doge Out? I don't know, was it Let? Was it Let? Who Let The Doge Out? I don't know. Was it let? Was it let?

Who let the doge out? That was a lovely pun trip for you. It was. It was. It was a nightmarish holiday in Oza. Was it?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I think you told me about that holiday. Yes. There was a period I took, I think, five different women

to Venice. Hold on. Legend! Can't let that go past, can we? I split up with them all almost immediately afterwards. Something about Venice. The romance was too much. It's a great tester.

So if you've got any doubts about your relationship, get off to Venice and you'll find out. It'll all come clear. Since you're giving out Victoria Beckham-style advice. Exactly. That's what two dollars were. Yes. I find now it'll all come clear. Since you're giving out Victoria Beckham-style advice. Exactly, yes. That's what two dollars were. Yes. Gondola love.

If it's just gondola love, forget about it. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Have you got good advice that you give out, like Victoria Beckham? I give, occasionally, if anyone asks me about running a team or management. Oh, yeah.

You know, sometimes I'm, like, on a project. Yeah. What? You're kind of a pack leader kind of character. Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit like, Not really on this, but on some shows. Yeah. And I always say that if you are off with people and aggressive and harassing people, you'd be lucky to get 70% out of them.

Right. As far as effort's concerned. Whereas if you're nice and kind and encouraging, you get about 40. And I found that to be true across the board. That's good, that's good. Can we clip that bit of advice? Because I'm starting a business,

so I think that's really going to be helpful. You gave me some lovely advice on book writing this morning. Yeah, it was very useful. You honestly think what, darling? I honestly think that is correct. It's not even... Yeah, OK. No, it's good.

You know what? I'm not even lying. I ain't even lying. Is that what they say? I'm not even lying? Yeah. When I say they, I mean people who aren't me. The youth.

What about you, Al, on the advice front? You give me some advice sometimes. Yeah, I'm good on advice, even though I think most advice is rubbish. But here's a genuinely good bit of advice. Don't entirely fall out with a psycho, because it's sometimes good. Too late, love.

It's sometimes good to know one. Like, you know, if you've got a character in your life that's a bit like Begbie off Trainspotting, don't entirely fall out with them, just in case a nutter moves into your street and you need to know a nutter. That's fine. That's what I give out. You wouldn't like them when they're angry.

Let's just see if we can still say nutter. Can we say sociopath? That's a different thing. It's a different thing. That's not a scare. Don't fall out with them either. I didn't know that loony bin's gone. Oh, my God! It's so hard to keep up. I'll tell you what...

Whatever happened to... Professor Green said to me, never trust anyone who's got more than four friends. Oh. Good. Oh. Oh, good. I'm not sure I agree with that, but interesting. Well, you meant friends, you know, close friends. Real friends, yeah. Someone who claims to have too many close friends.

You can only share with so many people. I mean, you still can't argue. As advice goes, you can't argue with Don't Eat Yellow Snow. That's the best one that is ever around. Because there's not even like a banana-flavoured slushie that kind of proves the rule. There's no... I don't know if that's true.

I don't think there is. I would say never underestimate the power of a strong brow. Oh, that's... That is good. It frames the face. It's the frame of the face. That is good. I still think my favourite is you can spend your whole life trying to be popular,

but the size of the crowd at your funeral will still be largely dictated by the weather. Strong and all different. You know, on this very show, when Holly Walsh was on, she said to me, you don't get a six-pack in the gym, you get it in the kitchen. Yeah. And I took that. Since then, you've done all your exercise in the kitchen, haven't you? I've picked up and I ran with it.

No, what I've done is I've starved myself into a six-pack. I don't do any exercise at all. I live on steam from broccoli. And it's much better. Starving is much nicer than exercise awful awful way to look at both food and exercise and you can use the bulldog clip

for all the excess skin as well at the back of you which is nice I don't want to take it off me downstairs it gets at my eyes you can fall over it anyway look enough enough now It gets at my age, you can fall over it. Anyway, look, enough. Enough now.

I apologise for my day in this influenced strangeness today, but thank you for listening. Those of you who bore with me, God bless you. And have a sausage roll. And thank you and bring on the feathers. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am

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