The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Sloshing

Episode Date: July 16, 2016

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team discuss Cameron's Lament, Len Goodman's exit and Pokemon Go. Frank also asks the readers for their rules on growing old gracefully.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text us so that we can sort of communicate with you and you become integral to the show, you can text us on 81215. If you want to follow the show on Twitter, which also gives you an interactive option, but also you have the role of the observer, if you'd prefer that. You can get us at Frank on the radio. Or another communication route, maybe for the more settled at home. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There's your options, and we'd love to hear from you.

I love that. I like that you were sort of applying them to different personality types. Are you mostly A's, essentially, you were saying? Yes. I've been asking that for years. I like the idea of the settled at home. Yeah, I think some people, when you're, sometimes when you're settled, I don't think you want to tweet. You feel like you've opened the door to the main high street. You're right.

Chris has tweeted us, Frank. Oh. He says, I was wondering, if you forget your wallet in a restaurant, do you still have to do the washing up? Oh. I think that ship sailed, hasn't it? Well, I wondered about that one. You know those sushi, I think they're called sushi virgin restaurants,

where they eat the sushi from a naked woman lying on a table? Oh. And if I said, oh, I've left my wallet in my other... I'll just wash it. Yeah. I don't know if they'd fall for that. No. So that's anyway. I haven't heard of anyone washing up in a restaurant.

I imagine you just get sued. Yeah. It's not like the good old days. I'll tell you what I had this week, which is... Tom. Have you ever had this? I mean, it might... I know when comedians say, just me then,

that means the joke has just gone down the toilet. But do you ever have that thing when you're walking along and you've had a drink and it's just splashing about inside you? Oh, yes, I know that. You're not a complicated mammal at all. You're just like a receptacle I heard that this week and I thought why has this happened

I just hear like being a bottle of something you just hit I know the audible sloshing what is that do you get it Alan it doesn't happen very often usually it goes down into

the internal let's not say where it goes down into well no but it's you know it's it's subsumed it goes down into the not without an engagement ring areas yeah it does but eventually but what i mean is when you swallow it it goes somewhere quiet quite quickly oh yeah it goes into um into a padded area of some kind. I think of it as a business lounge. Yeah, but why... At the airport. But what about the just splashing about like it hasn't gone anywhere?

Been denied entry to the quiet park. Well, I wonder. I think what if I left the plug in or something? It all sounds a bit... Oh, I don't know. Other cordials are available, Frank, obviously, but I always imagine it as being a bit Robinson's Cordial. That's what it's all about, eh? Yes. What have I been drinking?

I mean, I do drink a lot of barley water, but I think I've just been drinking water. Really? No, I'm not. You've got a slosh from water. It's a weird boast from you that I do drink a lot of barley water. I do. People tuning in going, legend! Yeah. But, um, it's not like I'd done a sort of Irish coffee type drink to try and make it sit on the surface in any way. But I could

walk in, this is what I could hear as I walked down the street. Now, I shouldn't be making that I'm a human being for God's sake You are I mean that's what I've always categorised you as Alright Frank yeah fine What's that noise Oh it's me

If there's anyone who knows the way around the human anatomy Not you mate Not you, mate. Not you. We might get some lovely doctors, Frank. I like a doctor me. There'll be doctors listening to this, won't there? Terrible hangovers they'll have. Terrible.

You know, when they're pushing around each other in beds, larking around. On the vitamin drips. Sorry, I've got a sort of a halfway house message from the producer here. We have Sarah, who normally does things like make the tea and arrange the chocolate biscuits. When I say arrange, I mean... Oh, don't say it like that.

They are. They're displayed on the plate like when you get a cash prize in a TV quiz show. Can I tell you what they are, Frank? You know, the money's splayed into a fan. It's the Very Bullies special prize. They are. Notes in a tankard. They are, yeah.

And they splay out on the tank. You look like, if you could hold them in exactly the right place, these chocolate digestives, you could fan yourself. They're fanned. But if you just get them to hold together, maybe some slight melting. If we let them melt a little bit and then put them into a fridge,

I reckon you could use it as a plate. Well, I think this is because she's a perfectionist and whether she's making the tea or the biscuits or producing the show, she will apply the same high standards. I think you're right. I'm just going to nip over to the fridge and see if there's any in there.

I'm off. I think you're right. I'm just going to nip over to the fridge and see if there's any in there. I'm off. I'm away. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, we've had our first sloshing. Oh, explanation. No, not an explanation. Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. I thought I would be interactive this morning,

as I usually listen to your podcast. Just had to say, I had the sloshing about peeling yesterday. When I was in a gym class, I could feel my water sloshing as I was on the floor doing the plank position. The plank position's not a good position. You don't want to be sloshing when you're planking. It's quite tummy intensive, though, isn't it? You don't want to feel like you're... The sloshing will's quite fairly stable, though, in a pub. It's quite tummy-intensive, though, isn't it? You don't want to feel like you're...

The sloshing will make you feel like it's hanging down. Like a giant water bag. Yeah. I wouldn't have thought you were moving enough in a plank position to be sloshing. Well, I get sloshing when sitting down sometimes. Have you not had that? Really? Just sitting sloshing? I might be watching a Love Island catch-up, something like that,

and it's just like sloshing. That's a different type of sloshing. And I'm going to play devil's advocate. I think Jane from Coventry might well have been going from like central planks to side planks or something like that. She could have been doing... Maybe she was doing a full son salutation.

Maybe. She'd been down with dog, you know. Yeah, maybe. Yes. If you've had that strange sloshing feeling during your yoga Yeah, maybe. Yes. If you've had that strange sloshing feeling during your yoga practice, text 812. Well, any other practice. Actually, don't feel like you have to.

But not any other practice. Any other practice we can talk about on Breakfast Radio. Still, I want a technical explanation of why most drinks just go to the quiet place. They go on the quiet coach. Yeah. And some won't acknowledge

that they've left a bottle and gone into a mammal. They won't go quietly. Every time I say I'm a mammal, I have a bit of a doubt that I'm a mammal. And we're going to get some text saying, you're not a mammal, you idiot. No, I think you're pretty much a mammal. Do you know what? You're so mammal. You'reso mammal.com. You're so mammal supermarket Supermarket.com.

That's what you are. So many domains to buy. Yeah, I know. Oh, do people still buy domains? Oh, I don't know. They're valuable still. I don't know if they are. As the internet gets a bit old-fashioned.

I only do the dark web now. I don't bother with the light one. And the domain names on the dark web, you wouldn't want to buy any of that. Oh, terrible. They're all like, you know, Alfie the, Alfie the face. Oh yeah. Stuff like that, yeah. Um, I stayed in, uh, in a hotel this week. Oh, get in. Lovely. I drink a lot of barley water. Legend. I stay in hotels. Where was it? It was in, um, Milton Keynes.

Oh. Oh, never mind. What about you? No, I like Milton Keynes. Me too. One of the few places- Buckinghamshire. One of the few places I can drive without getting lost.

Really? I love a grid. There's no grid. A lot of roundabouts there, though, isn't it? Oh, no. Oh, is it? They've based it on a grid system, like- Yeah, yeah. Like Manhattan. I can visualise a grid. There's a lot of roundabouts there, though, isn't it? Oh, is it? They've based it on a grid system like Manhattan. Yeah, I can visualise

a grid, yeah, but I can't other than that I'm always lost. So I look forward to going there. Not that I was driving myself. Of course. So what were you doing there? Did you have one of your little shows? I had one of my little shows there, but I tell you what I like when I'm in a hotel

is that what I've started to... I don't think I want to hear this story. No. I mean, I'm... Not anymore. Okay. I look forward to the shower a great deal. Oh, yeah. You know why? Because at home, although I, you know, I've got a few,

but I won't be straight with you. Yeah, I don't think you've ever kept that a secret. I'm still a bit careful on the product. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm a little bit. Why? Because I always think, you know, tomorrow is another day and who knows how things might turn out.

I think by the time I get to these head and shoulders, my career could be, you know, down the toilet. You and I are so different like that. I know. But in a hotel, I tell tell you sometimes in a hotel the product splashes on the floor and i don't even peel it up and put it back on me no which i do at home what you gather it from the floor i gather it from the floor you know you sit like a big if you're using let's say a burnt almond um body wash and then you get that sort of, let's call it ochre,

that ochre splash on the floor. Do you scoop? I'll scoop and put it back on me. Really? Yeah, waste not, what not. But when it's the hotels, oh, man. I think once it's down there, I treat it very much like foodstuffs. I think that's it now.

It belongs to the drain. Oh, I thought... Much like the sloshing has no business being... I thought you meant you knelt down think that's it now. It belongs to the drain. Much like the sloshing has no business being. I thought you meant you knelt down and licked it off. I stayed at a hotel the other week with free exfoliator gloves. Oh, wow. Fast like Mickey Mouse in the shower. That sounds great. Did you have them? I didn't take them away. You didn't? They were full. They were full of skin by the time at the end of the week. Yeah, and I don't know how you empty an exfoliator glove.

I'll show you. Is it like a dog brush? You go the other way on it. But I love... It's like ancient Rome. I really absolutely... What is it, seeing you in the shower? No, putting lots of...

real lots of products on. Oh, unctions. Is that what it's called? Yeah. That's oil, isn't it, unction? Yeah, you can still use it. There's a ceremony... Trust me, this is my area.

There's a ceremony in the Catholic Church called Extreme Unction. This is my area. I thought that was on Channel 5. I think it might be the last rites, another name for... Sorry about that. I've gone from lovely hotels to all the groomer side of Roman Catholicism but hey I

don't just love the excess of other people's product yeah oh man I wouldn't like that sentence I think that sentence should be taken out of context I'm talking about so use that as the trail I'm talking about what I think young girls call smellies.

Yeah. Ha. I mean you, sir. Ha! Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm writing a new book. Are you? Yeah, it's called Why I Moisturise. Oh, yeah? And it's all about moisturising, and I know I didn't used to. I didn't think it mattered. What's it called, Frank?

Why I Moisturise. Okay. Why I Moisturise. I'm waiting for the part. Yeah, me too. What? No, that's it. I was thinking about it this week.

I think there's still a little bit of, a little hangover of anti-meisterising. It used to be a thing that, you know, what do they call them? Those, not metropolitan men, there's something... Metrosexual. Metrosexual men.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Meisterising. I'd be lost without it. I'm sorry, guys, I know there's guys listening to this in the black country thinking, what are you talking about? Well, I've... You ought to be... What, meisterising? I'm joshing, are I know there's guys listening to this in the black country thinking, what are you talking about? Well, I've...

You're a bit... What moisturising, you old joshy-day-er? But trust me... I love the idea that you'd be lost without something when you're frequently lost with whatever you are doing. I've moved on from moisturiser. You've moved on from it? I thought you looked dry.

I was gifted something. Oh, that you're post-moisturiser. Yeah. Hear me now. I was gifted this product this week. Photography Fluid Opacity. I don't know who makes it. I don't know where it's from.

I'm not getting paid for this. It is extraordinary. I'm going to put some on you today. Do you have to apply it in a darkroom? I don't know if I want it on me. Essentially, Frank, don't know if you... As if my products aren't good enough for you. You should be so lucky.

It sounds dangerous. You tell him. You should be so lucky. That could be a good, um... What about if it was a bit the way... It makes you look good in selfies. I'm so hot

in here, by the way. If we don't turn the heating up, I'm going to have a heart attack. Turn it up? Down. He was complaining about it being cold earlier, just FYI. Yeah. So, you, um... It's a total and utter game changer. it's a bit of a i'll kind of say we didn't set this up in order to get free photographic fluid if that's i don't even know who sells it i don't know where you get it from there's no label on it i just love it yes i don't even

know who makes it i wouldn't have anything on my face that hadn't got a label on it. 8, 12, 15, mate. But we won't read it out. No. I'm going to do some to you, Frank. We'll do a before and after. Yeah, but what if I'm an allergic? Well, these are the risks you take. Well, I don't see if I can take that risk. I mean, you know, I'll be seen in public.

I don't want to be inflamed. Do you want photography fluid opacity on your face? No. Yeah. I'm sticking with simple. Okay. I'll have a crack at it.

Why not? Amazing thing with simple is you put it on your face, you think this will never soak in. It'll never soak in in a million years. Clean your teeth, look in the mirror. Gone. Every time I get a little kick out of it. I'll be honest.

By the way, still no... Frank Skinner on moisturiser, ladies and gentlemen. You use it on your teeth as well. Still no explanation for sloshing. None. I mean, what are you people up to? Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. 861 has sent a text. I think voicing the feeling of the whole nation with, it's a very odd show today, are you all OK? Is it an odd show? We've talked about sloshing. Just because I've summarised the first chapter of my new book,

Why I Meisterise. Yeah. If I don't me moisturise, I feel like the man in the iron mask. I can feel like my face isn't moving at all. Well, MK Knight says, I've moisturised since I was 18. Last week someone asked me if I was 20.

I'm 36 years old. Hashtag team moisture. There you go. Jonathan Hollis says, Hi Frank, I'm a practicing Catholic. Okay. And the extreme unction is a sacrament for anointing the sick. Yeah.

As you suggested. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. He's confirming that. Extreme unction. We use it in a different way in the beauty industry. Hmm.

Well, you see, that thing with the man in the iron mask, I was obsessed with him as a kid. Are you familiar with the man in the iron mask? I don't think so. Yes. He was kept in... Of course. Yes. He was kept in... Of course I am. He was kept in prison for many years,

but I think he was some sort of slight heir to the throne or something, so he hadn't been hidden away. One of the Charleses, Frank. And he's in a sort of... You remember Pussy Riot, the Russian... I do remember them. ...agitators? Yes.

Well, it was like that, but made of iron. Oh, yeah. And I always thought, well, that'd be... You wouldn't get sunburned, which would be a big plop, but I always thought, what if you were out in the sun thinking, ha-ha, I won't get sunburned? Not that he went out much. No.

But what if your iron mask got really hot? And it would, yeah. That'd be stifling. It's like when your iPhone gets too hot and it says too hot. I think it's more than stifling, it would be burning. I know, but to be in an iron man... I mean, it's very tight to the head. It's a snog.

All the illustrations, snog to the head. He's not going to be sunbathing, Frank. He's not going to be doing that. That's enough from cookery. Metal conducts heat. That's how a frying pan works. Yeah? Yeah, so you'd fry them first.

That's why, if you want to make a cup of tea go cool quickly, you put a spoon in it. Yes. But as he's manned with the iron mask, presumably the only issue is to keep the face in the mask. So he could sunbathe, get the body nice and brown, and still keep the mask on. Yeah, but you don't want to be sunbathing for a couple of weeks

and then sudden pardon out of nowhere and you think oh no now I've got the white head and the brown body. I'm going to look like oh terrible hot dog. I hate to interrupt this man in the iron mask chat. We're doing some topical material on the man in the iron mask. We've had a sloshing medical update. Frank, the sloshing you are referring to is known medically as a succession splash

and means that there is reduced gut activity such that the stomach contents are not being processed in the usual way. Dr. S. Buse. Oh, doctor, thank you. Thank you, doctor. S. Buse. Why did we sound a bit carried on when we Buse. Oh, doctor. Thank you. Thank you, doctor. S. Buse. Why did we sound a bit carried on when we said doctor? Oh, doctor.

I think S. Buse is a pun. I don't think so. Imagine if it was Puse. What if it was A. Buse? Oh, yeah. No, I don't think it's a pun. I'm taking it. And what's it called? Socession? Yeah, I don't know if that's a typo. Auto-correct. C-U-C-C. Okay. Socession. So my gut muscles are Yeah, I don't know if that's a typo, autocorrect. C-U-C-C. OK.

Sosh-en. I don't know. So my gut muscles are having an afternoon off. Yeah. Just putting their feet up, having a bit of a bank holiday. God knows. Early Wednesday, something like that. And the good news is, this link will put paid to the It's a Very Odd Show Today.

Are you all OK? Yeah, exactly. What about haircuts? What about them? it's a very odd show today. Are you all okay? Yeah, exactly. What about haircuts? What about them? Man in the Iron Mask. Isn't the hair steadily working its way around the inner mask, providing some... What if you've got an itch?

That's what worries me. A doom-laden underfelt. That's what the air's going to provide. Is he going to have the beard as well, Man in the Iron Mask, when he emerges? Yeah, exactly, but there's no room for a beard. Well, wouldn't the beard eventually push

the Iron Mask off a little? He'd be growing out the eye holes and the mouth hole. Oh, that's going to look absolutely ridiculous. People say, look, man, in the Iron Mask, it's none of my business. But, I mean, you just look stupid now. You've got beard coming out of your mouth holes.

That hair coming... Oh, man, it's gone. Oh, what a fool I am. You're the fool I am. I mean, I need spectacles, but if I wear them, I just look stupid. I need spectacles, but if I wear them, I just look stupid. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Speaking of the man in the iron mask looking foolish, looking foolish in spectacles, it's not so long ago, when I was at school... Actually, that is not true. No, it was quite a long time ago. But um, when- That's around the time of the man in the iron mask, aren't you? Yeah, indeed. It's when we, we thought everyone in spectacles looked foolish. Yeah, they were, uh- It was a thing that people dreaded. They were mocked, weren't they? Oh, if you had to wear spectacles,

that was the end. And now, people are queuing up for them. Hey! Are they? Yeah, oh yeah, people look, people wear them and they don't need them because they look cool. Is that what those big queues are for them. Hey! Are they? Yeah, people don't need them because they look cool. Is that what those big queues are for when we leave the studio here? Yeah, that's the train of drops. That's a big saver queue. Must have seen that. Yeah, it makes me wonder if the baseball cap won't be always associated with foolishness.

No, I think this is a positive move, though. Yes. The spectacles. No, of course it is. Yeah, it is. It's your people, Frank, though. Yes. The spectacles. No, of course, yeah, it is. It's your people, Frank, aren't they, the spectacles wearers? Oh, God, yes. Doctor Who fans, et cetera. Yeah.

We've had a communique from the outside world, mourning Frank and the team. The only one I know, in case people weren't listening earlier, this is Frank's new game. I was talking about the Charlatan song, The Only One I Know, and I was talking about there are things where... I can't remember what my examples were now. Are things of The Only One I Know.

The Saturdays are the only ones you use. The only one I know in the Saturdays is Frankie Sanford, for example. My example would have been UKIP, but the only one I know isn't in it anymore. Morning, Frank and the team. The only one I know from Iceland is Björk. From Denmark is Peter Schmeichel. And on a more musical theme,

the only one I know from Motorhead was Lemmy. Yeah. Happy sloshing, Chris on the North Circular. The only one I know from Coldplay is Chris Martin. Good point. I think that's for... I think even the other members of Coldplay only know Chris Martin. I know the other ones. Oh, do you?

Yeah. Guy Berryman. Oh. Thank you. Well, that's good. Respect to Mondo. Yeah, indeed. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've also had an email entitled Moisturising, because you're very pro-moisturising. It's been like a

political broadcast from you, hasn't it? I'm just saying, you know, specifically photography fluid capacity. I mean, you might expect it from Emily. You might hear my accent and think, ah, I bet he scorns all moisturisation. You'd be wrong.

I imagine that's exactly what they think. Yeah. You should try coconut oil for moisturising. A fantastic oil also can be used in cooking. So whilst cooking, you can slap some on the skin. Also can be used in a survival situation for lighting a fire and is also fantastic at burning fat when eaten. It's also great for dewy looking

skin and populations that eat coconut oil are very healthy. Take the tocalowans, tocalowans? No, no, you take them, I don't have time. Who live in the South Pacific. They eat over 60% of their calories from coconuts. Wow. They're the biggest consumers of saturated fat in the world. Wow! He continues, these people are in excellent health with no evidence of heart disease. What are they called?

The tocalowans? Tocalowans? You think they'd have got coconut into it, some of the cocalowans. You would. Yeah. Can I say, before Emily moisturised me, which I think the photographs are going to go on the social media at any moment now. Yeah.

But I moisturise with coconut oil quite often. Do you? Yeah. I've... I did it before bed last night. My mother-in-law... My mother-in-law... She's doing mother-in-law material with moisturiser material.

Finally. She uses it for cooking, and I have to say... What, coconut oil? Yeah, I hate it. So you have a shepherd's pie, and it's got a kind of a Caribbean feel to it. Oh, I was making coconut oil with shepherd's pie. So it means that you can... It's got a coconutty taste, you know.

It's out of place. No shepherd harvests coconuts in this country. No. No. Are there still shepherds? Oh, God, yeah. Really? I saw one this morning on the way in.

I thought they were a bit man in the iron mask. No, no. I wouldn't be surprised if we get inundated with shepherd texts now. No, there'll be shepherds. That'll be like my Northampton clown. Oh, yeah. I suppose there could be... I mean, it could be part of a greater farming task.

I was going to say, wouldn't you be a farmer? That'll be one thing you do in your day. Do they have crooks? That's the question. If they... Which I always imagine. I love a crook, Frank. Just hooking round the sheep's neck. I'd be sorry to hear it was anything other than that. 8.12.15.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cotteran. Text the show on 81215. We'd love you to. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. We'd like you to.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Please yourself. There you go. There's the options. I like that catchphrase, please yourself? I think Frankie Howard already took it, didn't he? Why is it Frankie Howard? Please yourself!

Oh, yeah. He's not using it anymore. He won't, the estate won't sue. So for the, I think it's the third or fourth week in a row, we have to discuss the upheavals in the in various jobs in the public eye yep everyone's everyone's quitting everyone's quitting you know what it's been a nice weather people think do i need this i sit at their desk they look outside there's girls in summer dresses going that's it they're done they get head on wasting it one of them we knew about last week we discussed

david cameron uh saying that he was going to resign, but I don't think any of us realised it was going to move that quickly, did we? He hasn't wasted any time. Oh, goodness me. Did we hear his humming? Did someone do a bit of sloshing just then? I think Frank did a little reverse burp, as my brother would call it. What was that sloshing, Frank?

It's one of those moments when you feel something move in your inner being. What's going on in your body at the moment? It goes... Like that, it's one of those moments when you feel something move in your inner being. What's going on in your body at the moment? It just sort of goes... Like that. It went... I think it's like a sort of reversing sound, like bosses make. Oh, you've got... Because it's in your interiors.

I feel fine. Oh, my God! Tablet's in my... In my... It's the... Frank's got an 18-wheeler reversing in his stomach. Oh, it's in his stomach? Yeah, it's... There'll be other moments like that. It's the... Frank's got an 18-wheeler reversing in his summer. Oh. In his summer? Yeah.

There'll be other moments like that. There's a lot of activity, isn't there? It'd be better if they were off-air, is what we're saying. I appreciate that. But at my age, I'm just glad there's any sort of signs of life coming from down there. I think they're privileged to be inside your little physique. Thank you so much. Speaking of... What I'm worried is they're desperately to be inside your little physique. Thank you so much.

What I'm worried is they're desperately trying to get out. We're going to speak of noises that we're not sure if the person deliberately made or not. Did you hear David Cameron's little humming moment after his speech when he walked back to the door of number 10? Did I hear it, Al? It's one of the only impressions I can do along with Adrian Charles and dressmaker from Gypsy Wedding. Let's have it then. Cameron's lament. Can you do it, Al? It's one of the only impressions I can do along with Adrian Charles and Dressmaker from Gypsy Wedding. Let's have it, then. Cameron's Lament. Can you do it, Frank?

It goes sort of do-do-da-da, doesn't it? Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. That's what it sounds like it's going to be. Well, there's been some debate about the significance of the... I definitely think there is a significance. I don't think it's... Do you?

Yeah, I think it's... To me, it's like a cryptic crossword. Like, it's... Oh. You know, he's a clever enough guy. He's gone, oh, I'll give him a bit of this. And then they can just spend their times working it out. Oh, how do you think?

You know when a person says to you, oh, magenta that's ill is such, and you go, oh God, just tell me the answer. I think it's that. I think he's, you know. He said afterwards, I'll do it again, do-do-do-do, right. And I quite like the right. No, the right, I think I can explain. Go on then. Because, um, I don't know if you remember, but we did this ages ago, but David Cameron, before he does a speech, doesn't have a wee. Oh, that's right. So he likes to do his speeches when he's desperado.

So he's just done a speech, he gets in, right. Yeah. Where's that toilet? I thought it was his equivalent of, well, look. I bet you the toilet the next next port of call people are suggesting that the the humming tune was um either the west wing or possibly the great escape and the great escape would definitely be a joke wouldn't it if he was saying and jostakovich's Fifth Symphony, some suggested.

I have to be honest, I'm not familiar with that. I'm not. It's a hell of a... I mean, we get some strange gags. Only what I know, Beethoven's Fifth. You know, I thought the man in the Iron Mast off was slightly strange comedy material, but Shostakovich... I mean, come on.

Remember when we talked about Cameron's Beats headphones? Do you think that's what he was listening to on the easy jet plane he was on? I used to work with a guy who used to sort of get in the car and go, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, no tune, just no tune. Just couldn't cope with silence. I respect the no tune. It reminded me, it was the sort of thing you'd do, Frank. And it slightly endeared him to me.

I've got to be honest i liked him after that yeah i had a moment of liking him well he was very human he's about to move into a 17 million pounds house in west london so it reminded me there's a if you ever read the script to my fair lady there's a stage direction and alfred dool, a man who's avoided work his whole life and been something of a scallywag finds out that his daughter has moved in with a rich man and he says he exits like a man

bound for El Dorado and I thought Cameron exited like a man bound for a 17 million pound house in West London Absolute Absolute Radio Frank West London. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know what it sounded a bit like, Frank, Cameron's Lament?

Do what? Are you familiar with Clannad, The Hooded Man, the Robin Hood theme music? Oh, well... They used to go, Robin... It sounds a bit like... The Hooded Man. I thought... I remember that exact song, well. There's the robin. It sounds a bit like... The hooded man. I thought...

I remember that exact song, yeah. Is that because David Cameron took from the rich and gave... No, couldn't be that. Oh, lovely little bit of politics. He's gone a bit Ben Elton. It could have been. I like the idea. Ben Elton material.

I like the idea. It was West Wing because it's the sort of thing that would be in his mind, isn't it? Yeah. And it reminds me, I've told you before when I was with Eric Clapton. No, he's just another one of your relatable animals. We were having lunch with Eric Clapton and I started going, diddle-a-liddle-a-loo, loo-loo. He said, don't do that.

I said, don't do what? He said, don't do that. I said, what? He said, you were going, diddle-a-liddle-a-loo. I said, oh, God. And I've, don't do that. I said, what? He said, you were going... I said, oh, God. And I've had that a few times. I'm with people. And, of course, if they're musicians, I think of a song of theirs. It's happened to me about four times. I just started singing the person.

And often a song from way back, you know, that they're sick of. I can't believe you were a bit of a git with Eric Clapton. Imagine Eric Clapton saying, don't do that. How embarrassing. I know what I didn't know I was doing it. Who else have I done it with? I've done it with a few people. Yeah.

Anyway, I wouldn't want that isolated as a trailer for the show. We've had somebody else suggest that Cameron might have been singing the theme tune to The Muppets. I don't know if that's a little bit of politics or if it genuinely sounded like... Well, the truth is, I'd like to think that when he... Has he just planted a seed for his autobiography? Oh, yeah. When he answers the question. Maybe.

You see, the thing is, though, I think it was something of a missed opportunity because he could have sung anything. It wasn't cryptic, because we don't know what it is. Yeah. And whatever it is doesn't sound that entertaining. It should have been like a really bizarre 80s song that you would never have expected,

like some atomic kitten thing or something. What about the final countdown by Europe? There we go. There we go. I mean, it's got Europe in it. Yes! Final countdown. It's got Europe in it. Final Countdown. He's got a reference to Countdown, which he'll probably be

hosting sometime soon. Oh, they all end up on that thing. I'm pretty sure Boris Johnson came in singing Chumbawumba, I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again. I think that was his entrance music again. Not enough Chumbawumba references on modern radio, are there? No. More

than Shostakovakovich generally speaking i'm proud of that reference oh me too can you hum it what does it go i told you the only one i know when it comes to symphonies is beethoven well i went to a shostakovich um concert once and uh we sat in the cheap seats at the back where the choir normally sits you know you can sit at the back of the stage in a classical this is a birmingham town hall so we were sitting there lovely they wheeled on a drum which was i would say 15 feet high and when they hit the drum during the big heavy shostakovich bits he expected to carry carry-on film to start. Me and my mate, we were, honestly, we could physically feel it. We were

getting G-force from the percussion section. That'll shake you around. There'll be more classical music anecdotes from Frank Skinner tomorrow night on Radio 4. And now a book of bedtime. Keith Chegwin reads Stick of the Dump.

LAUGHTER Frank? Frank Skinner. book of bedtime. Keith Chegg win reads, stick of the dump. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I have one more observation about David Cameron that I really liked. I really liked the fact that the day after he and George

Osborne were out of their job, they went for a coffee together. Did you see that? There was photographs, long lens. Oh, it's a Portuguese cafe. They went to a Portuguese... I just love it. I think it's so delightfully obvious and basic.

As Emily would say, basic. Look, like, they obviously had a phone call the night before. I mean, we're out on our ear. What are we going to do? I suppose we could go for a coffee. I'd like one of those Portuguese tarts, that'd be nice. Why don't we go for a coffee, and they did. It's exactly what I would do if I

had lost my job. If Boris Johnson found me up and said I'd like one of those Portuguese tarts. Do you know why I like that? I slam the founder. Because I like the idea of men going for a coffee, close quotes, because it's quite unfamiliar for them. Women, we do it all the time, don't we? We'll say, do idea of men going for a coffee, close quotes. Because it's quite unfamiliar for them. Women, we do it all the time, don't we?

We'll say, do you want to meet for a coffee? We don't want the coffee, we just want the chat. Men don't really want the chat. Men don't ring their friends for a coffee. When did you last text a male friend saying, fancy a coffee, mate? Coffee, mate? What happened to that? Yeah. No, but what do you think?

Always handy to have in the cupboard. Do you ring male friends for coffee? No, I hate coffee. I do. Do you? I hate coffee and I hate people who don't hate coffee. All right. What I also like about George Osborne and David Cameron's coffee

is that across the road there's about a 20-strong security detail that has to look out for them whilst they're having it. Yeah. This is a nice trick. Of course, they've got that for the rest of their lives, actually. Yeah, forever. On the subject of... Should we do an impromptu?

Whatever happens to you? Yes. Come on then, Frank. Percolators. Man in the Iron Mask. Oh, percolators. Does anyone percolate anymore? Oh, I haven't percolated for ages.

It used to be a thing. When I first started going for dinner, this was back in Birmingham, people would go for dinner parties. People would say, do you want a coffee? I'll percolate. Do you want instant or shall I percolate?

It took so long. And not... You get all that going on. Do you remember those, Al? I do, yeah. Has it gone? I remember the advert where somebody pretended to percolate. I used to be rushed off my feet when my parents would have a dinner party, percolating.

Or percolating, as you call it. But in those days, that was the full coffee conversation. Do you want instant or shall I percolate? That was it. Now people talk about coffee for two and a half hours. Yeah. There's nothing to say about coffee. two and a half hours yeah yeah there's nothing to say about coffee shut up about it yes you we've had another uh do you remember it's not a subject

to know about you see no but they think it's sophisticated i know but it's not like history no knowing about coffee you hear people talk about how they know. I'm very interested in the history of coffee. Are you? Yeah, yeah. You are not. No one is. Except fools. Sorry, carry on.

We had a text in. Morning, everyone. Thought I would add to Frank's do you remember and is there still questions. I think there's a slightly snide tone to this. No, it isn't. Is there still people who put back in five mins signs on the front doors to shops? Saw one yesterday and it made me wonder. Keep up.

Oh, it's a press. I saw one recently as well. What, a back in five mins sign? Back in five mins. I like it when it has a little clock sign. Oh, nice. And then an orange arrow. Hello. Nice.

I saw one. It was like a fancy design shop on the South Bank. Oh, really? I said back in five years. Oh, I associate it with a more local shop. Man, this was probably a bit postmodern ironic. Yeah. Probably were open.

Yeah. They're just being cool. But it's a good one. I mean, if you've got any whatever happened to us. Yeah. What's happened to this show? You know what? I've got a jingle just waiting for you.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're having some lovely images through, Al. Are we? Coffee percolators. Are we? People still have them. Well, these aren't the ones of my memory. I remember them with a little white filter in them.

Are you talking about those? I, well, see, I never really got close enough. It was always happening in someone else's kitchen. Well, it was me running around making it for the Doctor Who villains when I should have been in bed. Lucky you. 376 has said, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Hold it. Don't do that, Frank.

That's awful. It's a bodger he got. To be honest, I just thought you had some lamb in between two teeth that you were trying to get. No, it's too hot for lamb. I just feel I'm getting... Hang on. It's too hot for lamb. Too much insight into your physiology this morning. No, you might be right. I percolate every Christmas as I like the sound.

Three, seven, six. It's a Christmas treat. Get the percolator. Get me socks. Those Santa socks. That tie that plays rushing through the straw in a white horse open sleigh. It only does the middle eight.

I don't know if it's broken. It only does the middle eight. It doesn't do the main chorus. And we'll get the percolator. What do you think, Geoff? Really. I don't know if it's broken, and he does the middle eight, doesn't do the main chorus. And we'll get the vocaliser. What do you think, Geoff? Really? I don't know. No, no, come on. Yeah.

It's not just DC, David Cameron, that's shuffled off his position this week. Len Goodman. Len Goodman's out. Oh, Len Goodman is a bigger loss, surely. Yeah. It's what I'm calling, um, Lexit. Lexit.

Frank, I love Lexit. Very good. I love it. I mean, if the tabloids have missed out on Lexit as an opportunity, I wouldn't be surprised if some of them pick it up and run with it now that you've coined it. But Len Goodman said what I thought was a brilliantly Len Goodman thing upon leaving, which was, who would have thought that me, old Len Goodman, upon leaving, which was who would have thought that me, old Len Goodman,

would still be part of this amazing series more than ten years on? I mean, it's a bit Paul Ince the Governor. I love Len, but you can't call yourself, because the implication is good old Len Goodman, frankly, isn't it? Old Len Goodman. He's a

nominative determinism, isn't he? Because he's a sort of a good... He's a good man. Good man to be around, yeah. I don't know if he is. I think he might have been involved in some bother, maybe. Do you think? I'll tell you something.

I bet it's not the first time he's opted to leave in recent weeks. Let's put it that way. But he's gone to live by his lovely riverside home. Is that his plan? Yeah. Can't remember what river. Oh, is that right? What river was it?

I can't remember. I don't know. Seven! Anyway. Now I made that up. I think he's actually... Set up necessary for that punchline. I think he's actually signed a three and a half million dollar contract

to go and just do Dancing With The Stars and doesn't want to travel. Oh, is that what it is? But hey, I'm not, you know... signed a three and a half million dollar contract to go and just do Dancing with the Stars and doesn't want to travel. Oh, is that what it is? But hey, I'm not, you know. Yeah, but what year is he leaving in? Because he's doing this series, so he will be leaving in... 2017.

Yeah, that's tricky. Exactly. Is that what we're going for? He's thought of that through. Yeah, he's doing a slight, a slight Pellegrino of saying he's leaving, which is never as good there. Is he going to do an Alex Ferguson, Frank? Is he going to be loitering around, making it impossible?

I don't think he'll recommend David Moyes as his replacement. That would be interesting, though, eh? If you've got David Moyes in, unstrictly. Well, who is going to be the replacement? Because we've got Anton Dubek is in there, Tony Beak, firm favourite.

At two to one. Lionel Blair got in there. Really? Louis Spence. The thing is, I've been offered... What? I've been offered the dancing, to dance on there many times. Have you?

Why haven't you done it? You'd be great. Well, I'll show you why. I don't want to see... No, no, it's all right. I'm just going to dance now and listen to this at home and you'll see what my problem is. Oh, yeah. You see, every time I wiggle,

it's a nightmare. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Arlene, sorry, Al, I was going to say Arlene Phillips has put herself forward. I liked her when she Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. beef. Yeah. She said, she called them tired and grumpy. Really? That's not the way to go. They said, who do you think she should present? She said, me, of course. Did she? The BBC will do what they want, though. Did she say that? Yeah, she did. Which I would say was a pretty

accurate assessment. Yeah. What's the alternative to that? She's somehow holding them to ransom until they go for holding her to ransom. Esther Ransom. Yeah, there you go. She could do it. Can I just read a communique from Sally East, which I like, talking about, remember we were discussing Cameron's Lament?

Yes, East. Yes. Cameron's Lament. Yeah. As a graduate of the Open University, I think David's ditty, reminds me of the Open University signature tune of the 80s. Well, that's what I was thinking of.

When we watched Men in Kipper Ties deliver really useful information for our studies at 6.30am. Yeah, I did this early, because... HE SINGS I doubt if David Cameron watched the Open University. You went to... Did you go to Oxbridge? Yes. Yeah, so he didn't need you. at the Open University, you went to, um, did you go to Oxbridge? Um, yes. Yeah, so he didn't need you.

Oh, I used to, I used to, when I was at Warwick University, they used to come in for the summer camps in the summer. The Open University people. What I used to love most of all was the amount of people you saw with the, um, the white ghost of a wedding ring on their finger that they took off in preparation for the summer camp.

That's what they mean by open universe. Anyway, not everyone, not everyone don't text in. It's the Pampas grasslodge. I mean, you've recently decided that you like dancing, haven't you? You didn't like it, and then you had a go at it recently on a... Was it a television programme? you said it was alright? Oh, I did. I danced. I said it was alright. You enjoyed it.

I danced with Nicole Scherzinger. That probably brightens things up a bit. Do I? Thanks, dance. Well, that image of you in your pants went viral. That's true. Not the first time my pants have gone viral. Very good. You could have left that there, but no. I could have left. I didn't want to. I thought, as I said it, I'm going to leave it.

Willie Buffalo. You have to help the people who've nearly got it. Yes. That's what I always say. That's what the doctor said when he looked at my pants. Once again, could have left it. No. Willie Buffalo.

I didn't get that big house from leaving it Frank Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio So would you be a judge on Strictly? Would you give the judge a burn? I'd feel a bit out

I mean there are certain areas of dance I know a lot about But I don't think I've ever seen the conga. Right. On Strictly. They don't talk about it. They've never twisted on there, can you believe that? Oh, have they not? No, I've never seen a twist on there.

They must have. No. What about a rumba? It's not taken, um, not while I'm working, madam. Yeah, let's finish this link. Not while I'm on duty. No, I, um, that's finish this link. Not while I'm on duty. No, that's it for me. I mean, I like when they talk about, you know,

she did a fabulous treble camisole and stuff like that. And I don't like when they generalise. I like really hardcore specifics. Oh, yes, I do. I like the technical. Yeah, that's the good thing about, well, I mean, your hands, darling, and all that stuff. Yes. But I think, you know, I think a bit of comedy wouldn't go amiss.

Well, Ricky Gervais is at 500 to 1 according to the bookies. Chris Evans, 200 to 1. Is he? David Cameron, 1,000 to 1. Who's going to put that bet on there? I mean, you're just giving the bookmaker some of your money. Absolutely ridiculous. After Leicester won, people think long shots are a safe bet now. That's what's happened

there. Yeah, you're right. Claudio Ranieri. What can you get for him being the next John John Strickland? I'd like to see Roy on there. Oh, that'd be good. With a giant watch. Are you going to wheel up your Roy Hodgson impression again? No, I'm not.

Oh, go on. That's one of the most remarkable Wambas I've seen. Oh, dear'm not. Oh, go on. That's one of the most remarkable whambas I've seen. Oh, dear. So then. What about a few weeks ago, Tom Hiddleston danced with... Piddlesticks. And he said in the interview afterwards, I love to dance, who doesn't?

Yeah, true. He could be in there. Do you know, he's making a giant fool of himself, that one. But that's a whole other story. I might want to be careful. It could be your seat in a week, Frank, if he's making a giant fool of himself, isn't it? It's your turn. Who knows?

Well, I have respect for him. I'm losing it. Oh, right, you mean because of the, um... See, that's where I'm lucky. I'm lucky I had no respect for him. I only recently found out who he was You're still not entirely sure You have to earn it You know what I'm saying It's all about a bit of fame in the musical

I'm wearing leg warmers I'd love to start wearing leg warmers Just with trousers No you can wear that Yeah I don't think I could carry it off You've got your legs are one of your best features. I know, so why spoil the line with a leg warmer? Good point, good point. 8.12.15.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Okay. Do your business, love. Sorry, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 812.15, please. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, if you will. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website,

if you overmind to. We did receive an email that I think might have been mischief, saying, Frank, what's the email address for the show? Because you never say that, you just say email via the website. I think it might have been somebody stirring. I'm not doing a www. You're doing more of a WC Fields. Exactly.

Meanwhile, the good news is a lot of people are buying my photography fluid opacity. Is it yours? No, but, well, it should be now. I mean, I bet they've never sold so many in their entire lives. I mean, that's fine, but I've just had to wash some powder off my cheeks. So I don't know if, uh, I mean,

it's worked on my forehead, but my cheeks were a bit powdery. That's not powder. It's photography fluid opacity. Yeah, but I don't want that. I don't want to walk around with what looks like powder on my cheeks. So I, I mean, I'm just, the results are mixed that'll take the edge off that sudden burst of sales anyway it's not powder it's a cream sorry i

sorry it sounds so aggressive i just take it very seriously i'll tell you what um love you tell you what i do want to talk about it's growing old gracefully oh okay there was a survey this week which was very dear to my heart because it centered around the concept that, you know, certain things are just a verboten. Yeah. Once you get past a certain age. Yes. For example, they said in this survey that miniskirts have to come off at 39.

Mm-hmm. Apparently. That's a waist size, isn't it? 39-inch waist. Except, oh, it worked, didn't it? apparently that's a waist size of a 39 inch waist except oh i don't know um no replica shirts football shirts by the age of 42 what do you think of that boys i think that i think no replica football shirts would have been a better rule really i still not a fan i favor the scarf still yeah nice thing about the scarf it looks as good on a fat person as a thin person. Replica shirt, you can't say that for.

Better sometimes. You can hide a multitude. The replica shirt I take issue with, it's the bleach jean and the slip-on with the replica shirt. Where do you stand on the replica shirt of a ski jacket for Winter Games? I'm going to start...

Which I've always been a fan of. I'll tell you what I'm going to start... Which I've always been a fan of. I'll tell you what I'm going to start wearing, the full replica kit, I think. I'm going to wear shorts and socks. Pete Donaldson. That might confuse players. If they see me moving down the terrace, they might think,

there's one of our players making a break down the left. I'd like you to wear full replica kit, except for the shirt. So you wear the shorts, and then just a really smart shirt. And tie. Dress shirt and tie. But then I look like I've just jumped out the window because her husband's come home. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Leggings have to go at 43. Oh, dear, best tell my partner, who loves a legging. She likes a legging. Well, she's got the legs for it, hasn't she? Leggings are often favoured by those who you know the legging isn't their best friend but not in case uh also skinny jeans at 47 well jeans at 50 really do you reckon 50 all jeans at 50 oh i don't know i think denim at 60 is going to be my cut-off. No. Someone better tell the Top Gear boys. Denim cut-offs. Yeah, exactly.

I love denim, though, but I do think there will come a point of stoppage. Have you? Sorry, Al. Yeah, I think it's got to go. But I don't want it to go at 50. It's too soon. Frank, have you totally stopped with denim? I would wear a denim jacket with a non-denim trouser. OK, bewitched.

But jeans... Extraordinary. Jeans, I think... I like jeans. I like the feel of them. Mm-hm. You know, rear of the year 1999, still a bit of that in there. But I just... I'll tell you, I saw Jonathan Miller... LAUGHTER

..at a production of Laboeme in a pair of jeans, and I thought, never again. Yeah, do you know, I totally understand that, Frank. Were they like elasticated waist jeans? They were baggy jeans. Bought from the Daily Mail or something like those ones. They were certainly baggy. Right.

I know that look. Don't wear those. I'm a big fan of Robert Peston But I can imagine him in a jean Maybe on a weekend Oh I know I imagine him in a In a rippling chino Oh yeah you're right

So wide You're right Nice Also This is controversial I think trainers at 49 Oh I'm not having that See that doesn't allow for

You know you see Sometimes I've seen older actors And stuff like that at posh dues and they've got a suit and that on but they've got a pair of black trainers just for the feet just for the comfort. Mick Jagger and a platform black Reebok, I think so. Yeah exactly

there's a lot of that. You've got to learn when you get to a certain age the gnarled feet Also I think to be honest. I love that song Crazy. Oh yeah. Crazy From what I've read of Mick Jagger this week there are many age related To be honest. I love that song, Crazy. Oh, yeah. Crazy! From what I've read of Mick Jagger this week, there are many age-related cut-off points that he is issuing, I would say.

He's still got it, hasn't he? He's still got it. I just wish he'd keep it to himself. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 390 has texted, at what age

do I have to stop wearing my safari suit? I think you can carry on with that forever. I think that's hardy perennial. Nice to hear from Bob Downs after all these years. Kitty has tweeted us and she says, I'm 50 soon.

This is Kitty, not me, FY. And I will still wear my hashtag jeans hashtag denim forever well i say i think with emojis with females i think it's okay because you can look like one of those um rich old american women over here on holiday who wear jeans and stuff i'm hoping to look like uh one, one of those Russian ladies. Yeah, I think, I think women look great in jeans forever, probably, but for men, I'm not. You don't think so? I'm not so sure. The jury's out, isn't it? Really? We've also had a text saying, Frank, and then it goes to caps, no jeans at 50, please no. I just bought two pairs and I'm 49, I hope to get my money's worth. Yeah, you have to wear them every day. Yeah, even then you're not going to get your money's worth.

Cost per wear. Exactly, cost per wear. Buy an expensive pair of selvage denim jeans and then wear them to death and then replace them. That's how to do it. You mean wear them till death? Yeah, exactly. I think white jeans for ladies have a cut-off point.

Do they? White jean cut-offs, like on Starsky and Hutch or something. Well, I just think a white jean is it's sort of in the mini skirt area isn't it it's um it's a bit hello boys it is this survey says that you have to give up hair gel at 41. no that's never even occurred to me that that's a young man's game yeah well hair products it went so far as to say. I think that's ridiculous. Does he say that?

I mean, what are you meant to do if you're 42? But darling, you two are performers. You're fine. You're exempt from the world. My dad carried on using, well, butter on his hair. Did he use butter? Yeah, always. Into his 70s.

He just, you know, smartened himself in the mirror, just reached down into the butter dish. Would he? On it went, yeah. So we've had somebody text about moisturising with coconut oil. If you take that on and put butter in your hair, you could have your full breakfast right in front of you. You're organic.

Yeah. I'm all for that. Yeah, that one surprised me. I've never even thought of that as me trying to, you know... No. They had some other ones as well. There was oh, there was another one which was no nightclubs. Oh, yeah. I think, no,

which I agree with. I don't know about you guys. There was no nightclubs past, what was it, Al? It was like 24 or something. It was pretty young, yeah. It was young. Nightclubs at 24, because I definitely carried on with nightclubs longer than that. Definitely.

I've never liked nightclubs, even when I was a child. Yes, I went to nightclubs as a child. Did you meet my parents? Thank you. Yeah, I carried on with that past 24, for sure. No staying out past midnight at 52, past 52. I think that's fair enough. Well, it depends.

What about when you start wandering? You have to allow, you have to factor that in. No one wants to see you out past midnight at 52. No one wants to see you out. I have a friend who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do anything of, like, illegal narcotics, which are illegal anyway, so he couldn't, obviously. But he says quite often nothing good happens for him after midnight.

Like, all the good stuff's done. No, I can see that. Look, can we just get straight to it? What's the cut-off age for an absolute radio presenter? I mean, that's what we're building up to. You're all going, that's the elephant in the room. Or is it like the 200-year-old Galapagos Island tortoise in the room? Oh, that's good.

I haven't got that in my Pokemon Go collection. But, I mean, that's what I want to know, the cut-off point for an Absolute Radio presenter. Come on, come on! What is this? Text in. 8-12-15. 16.

8-12-15. Frank. Frank Skinner woman, very nearly 50. Again, not my words. Let me make that absolutely clear. And I've never even considered the fact that I can't wear my jeans inside. I've said women can wear jeans inside. Oh, thanks very much, Simone de Beauvoir. That's all right.

I don't feel any older than 35, except after I've been out the night before. Forgive the lack of punctuation and grammar in my text. I'm using my speakerphone. That's Mary from Berkshire. Thank you very much for that, Mary. Although I would argue that ship has sailed during which you're allowed to use the speakerphone.

What's wrong with the speakerphone? What's the cut-off for the speakerphone? It's a young person's game. It's like FaceTime. You don't have some old craggy... I'm not suggesting Mary is, but I wouldn't FaceTime anyone intentionally. Has anyone in this room been FaceTimed anyone intentionally? No.

I've never FaceTimed anyone. Full stop. I think Mary... I think Mary's probably a lovely, fragrant woman. I think Mary from Berkshire. I'm picturing her using her speakerphone whilst at the wheel of a Range Rover or similar. That's what I'm picturing. So, you know, who's the winner there, then?

Love you, Maz. I'm imagining she's throwing a small vase on a potter's wheel. That's why she's on a speakerphone. Yeah, she needs her hands free. That's a strange request, 359. Can Frank sing a song, please? Maybe one of those weird ones from his childhood about mouses. I've never heard anything so strange.

Why not? He's referring to Gracie Fields' Houses are Nice House Houses. There's a line that goes, Houses are nice house houses, it's got no rats or mouses, it's cheap, cheap, cheap, sweep, sweep, Ours is a nice house, ours is. It's got no rats or mouses. It's cheap, cheap, cheap. Sweep, sweep, sweep. Ours is a nice house, ours is.

One of those weird songs from his childhood. The thing is, somebody texted and asked for that. And rather than going, Am I a monkey here to perform? Frank just went, Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. Why wouldn't I? Absolutely willing.

Is there anything else? Weird, because you can be stubborn. There is. There's a text I enjoy. My grandad was a devotee of Vaseline hair tonic. Oh, yes. So my mum had to invest in some anti-macassas whenever he visited. That's, yes.

Well, anti-macassas were crucial in the old days because of the greasy hair. Of course. Oh, yeah. Absolutely crucial. Of course. 393, if I can't stay up past midnight beyond 52, where can I buy my Stay Press Quint Plain trousers to replace my jeans if I can't watch late-night shopping channels?

That's Paul. I think that's a very fine point. Just record it. When can you stop using Sky Plus? It's a terrible thing, this. Can I... What's some of my own theories? Sure. Turn-ups on jeans. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Six years of age. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Is that for men and women? Women, I think, okay. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

The cockerel has just exposed himself on the jeans area, on the lower jean area. I think if you're a semi-professional country and western singer or you're below six years of age turnips on genes are fine other than that come on grow up well it's a bit on the waterfront isn't it it's harking back to a yesteryear oh i think i think the youth to this i'm gonna and also save a few bob on you know getting it turned up with a machine i've got a few as you can imagine where do i begin okay uh i would say i definitely think how can you be a goth past 25 oh i hope so i mean i love a goth don't get me wrong i just think 62-old goth looks a bit damaged. Well, I wrote a sitcom pilot, which was rejected by every broadcaster in the world.

That's absolutely true. A script. And in it, I played a goth football manager who was an ex-player, but who got very interested in goth culture and was in all black and the leather overcoat. Why is that rejected? I'd watch that sounds fun doing post-match interviews talking about um going up to whitby weekend and stuff like that everyone i mean nobody would take it which surprises me i think it's one

of the few pieces of work i've done that has been universally rejected but I thought the audio of a gospel... What about that? Well, there's been others, but that was the biggie. It was called Just Managing. Eh? Eh? Eh? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. There was a hugely exciting moment in the studio just then. Yes, I had a creature on me. Frank had, I believe it was a slowpoke on his shoulder. I haven't had a slowpoke for some 15 years.

Oh, no, it might have been a drowsy. Anyway, it was a Pokemon. Yeah, I'm afraid I have a drowsy most of the time. It was part of Pokemon Go, which I'm very heavily into. Yeah. And I know what you're going to say, boys. I'm going to say it. What am I going to say?

Go on, you say it. If I'm not allowed gene turnips, you're definitely too old for Pokemon Go. I'm just saying. Just saying. I know. I think you might be right. Hashtag just saying. I'm going to agree with you on this.

It's hugely undignified. It's so undignified. But in a way, a bit so is drinking but people still do it yeah i can't help it i agree with that well this is um this is the craze that's sweeping the nation sweeping the nation somebody should there's too much litter i like the craze that's the episode of news round in 1982 i love the idea of people sweeping the nation. Sometimes they scour the nation when it's really dirty. They do, yeah. It's great, Pokemon Go.

Would you two... I'll tell you what's good about it. Who's got room on their phone for more apps? It encourages... Oh, it's always the money with you, isn't it? No, no, it's the size of my phone. My phone's full. I can't take a photograph three days a week.

What's good is, although, on the plus side, you both remember to have children. And what it does is it encourages your young ones, supervised, to go outside. Because the idea behind it is that I think they felt, I'm not suggesting they were sort of, you know, they felt guilty, but I think they realised that there'd been a lot of complaints about video games making children just staying inside the station.

Video games. And this means you go out. I want to encourage them to go outside. I don't get a lot of complaints about video games making children just staying inside the station. Video games. I want to encourage them to go outside. I'll get a couple of devil dogs. I don't really understand Pokemon Go, but I've just seen a picture of myself with a big yellow creature. I mean, I remember... Not for the first time. No.

What I like... That trip to Lanzarote, let's not talk about it. What I like about it is that it's suddenly become the hottest, trendiest thing to do, but it's Pokemon. Yeah. It's like if I invented some new Furby craze. Yeah. It's like, you know, Pokemon, I know it's ongoing,

because I see the sort of trading cards in Toys R Us. Oh, do you? But suddenly Pokemon is like as big as it was when it first came out. Well, the likes of me are adopting it. What I'm saying is it's given me hope that something that was once very popular and then dipped can come back again to the same level.

He's suggesting Pokemon is coming home in some sense. Well, I have seen graffiti that says Frank Skinner Go on the Absolute Radio building. So I don't know if they're hoping that that app will arrive. I've still got hope for just managing. Because I love the sound of that sitcom. Sounds like a good sitcom. I think they've really missed something there.

Well, maybe I'll start reading it in installments on the show. Oh, that'd be fun. That would be great. I think it was a bit rude in part, but I could censor it. Ian Angle, baseball cap, back to front, cut off ten. Ten years old. I mean, there's no pun for once with Ian Angle. He's just angry.

Yeah. Angley. That's what he is. Very Angley. That's people who are furious, but they still manage to get a pun out. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On the subject of things being cut off after a certain age,

I must give credit to... Steady on, careful. Be very, very careful, Alan Cochrane. I must give credit to Daisy, the person who usually produces this show, because she said something to me ages ago that has always stayed with me, that when she meets an adult and they have sugar in their tea she thinks hmm grow up

i think there is a bit of that like you kind of go you're 45 and you're having sugar in your tea what's wrong with it something that the elderly have in their tea yeah maybe they come back to it but like i'll be honest a little like daisy thing i feel a bit like that about biscuits i just think i just had biscuits you should yeah and frank earlier on he saw that there's a bowl of oreos and he was like alan bennett at it he's like oh they've let the oreos go soft still nice though that's what he said still nice though and like god i said to mother would you like an oreo she said no come on we'll be late we're going to ripen i think um you know i don't know if you can chocolate and i don't know if you can call women hot men i'm afraid past the age of i'm gonna go 35 because the voice register lowers

as a man and it's like oh she's hot that's all right but i don't like she's hot that's what men get to sound a bit high court judgy as they get older no i don't like, she's hot. That's what men get to sound a bit high-court judgy as they get older. No, I don't say hot. I say things like, she's got a nice bust. And that, Frank Skinner, is why I love you. It's important that your sexism keeps, when it's original source, I think. Sexism has always got to be age-appropriate. Can I say I disapprove of sexism in all its manifestations

but there is something still great about the word bust shall we call it admiration for the female form rather than sexism I always associate it with middle aged women having a bra made when I was a kid and I need one with my bust

it was like a man I hadn't worked with for some time and I was only about 27 and he said, oh, you've kept your figure. And I thought that was a strange thing to say to a 27-year-old. What did you think was going to happen? Yeah, there's not much atrophy at 27. I had a thing the other week. I was in a restaurant with my son, who's four.

And I went up to get him... I was getting him drinks and me so we were having a soft drink each and I said can we have straws and the bloke put both the straws in his drink and I took one out and put it in

mine and then I thought it's alright, straws you're too old for a straw am i too old for a drinking straw ah i mean if that is a rule there is it's different for women because excuse me i've got something to say yeah i've seen women having a quick drink on babe cast and they often use a straw they use a straw so the What a lovely reference. And this is a long time ago when it was a novelty. You know what it's also useful for?

There was a time when Backus was the Pokemon Go of the generation. Not sure. I mean, if the Pokemon were going, come on guys, why don't you come? I think it would be very unpopular. I want you to call me. No, you didn't get many slowpokes on there. No, but I think... You know what I was going to say to you, Frank? Can I use a drinking straw? Yes, can I tell you why call me. No, you didn't get many slowpokes on there. No, but I think... Do you know what I was going to say to you, Frank?

For me, can I use a drinking straw? Yes, can I tell you why? Go on. I use drinking straw. Now, the reason for this is if teeth bleachers depend on the straw. Yes, but I mean in the general course of life. I think it's fine. I think it's quite cute.

I think you can carry it off. An old face with a straw in it, though. There's an element of drip about it. A hospital drip. I love that Rembrandt painting. Yes, I've never seen that one. But, well, OK. I mean, obviously I use them if I'm hiding

onto the surface of a lake. Frank's got... Pursued by vigilantes. I'll use a drinking straw for breathing purposes, yeah. Al, Frank's got quite strict rules about taking the driving test as well. Frank says you should... Do you think you should drive before 30, was it? I think 30 is early enough to start. Early enough? What do you mean?

I think you should start at 30. What, driving test? Well, I used to think anyone who couldn't drive after 30 was troubled. Now why don't you still think that? I think there'd be less cars on the road and it would be safer driving. There'd be less sort of boy racers. If you couldn't get a licence until you were 30. Oh, you've come full circle.

You can't be having L-plates when you've got wrinkles. It's embarrassing. No. Depends what the activity is. I've seen a few hendoos with L-plates and wrinkles. I suppose it's, you know... Yeah, we'll double that. I know. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

3-9-0, Al. Sorry, quickly. The trouble with an old face and a straw is that it looks like the face is being sucked into the drink. That is a good point. Yeah, that I had a non-wrinkly face, and then such is the pressure coming from some mysterious force below that my skull is leaving through my mouth. Thank you, 390. When you're trying to enjoy a lime and soda, or similar.

What were you going to read out? Maybe just an unhinged drinking store I could get away with at my age. The one with the bend. I think that's too modern. We've had quite a few texts saying that they would love

to hear a weekly instalment of your sitcom Red House. Just managing. Just managing is the title, is it? I'll have a look. And the theme music's got to be goth, like The Cure or something, Frank? What would you do?

A goth version of Three Lives? Yeah, Nine Inch Nails or something. Let's work on it off-air, maybe, so that there's a spoiler. Is there any female characters in it? Can I play one? One of the things he does when things... He actually co-manages with a woman.

They bring in a woman as a gimmick manager and get him as the solid face of football. But whenever he has troubles, he goes to this goth cafe and talks to the goth waitress about life. I think I'm more the manager, don't you? The Karen Brady figure? Yeah, maybe. There was a thing.

It was... Do you remember the manageress? Oh, I laughed at it. Sherry Lungy. Sherry Lungy, indeed. It looked like you were scribbling that down for the casting director. Yes.

So, one other thing about Cut Off Pint. Now, tell me if I'm wrong about this, but I oft reprimand my mother-in-law, who is now 74, I think. I don't think she'll mind me saying that. When she's sort of encouraging of something, she'll say, yay. Yay! I don't think you can do that.

Not at 74, dear. Yeah. Hey, I wouldn't mind, or hooray. I like the very Derek Jacoby use of dear here. Yeah, I wouldn't mind, or hooray. Yay. The very Derek Jacoby use of dear here. I know, but yay. I know, I agree, Frank. I liked it last week when we saw her for brunch and she said, Booyarkashan, and did a high five.

I thought that was really good. Well, I'm tired. Well, it wasn't that high. It was as high as she could reach. It's a high-ish five. 244 objects to, thinks there should be an age limit for novelty key rings. There's something disturbing about a grown woman attaching collections of them to her bag, purse and jangling around all over the place.

Well, I've got, as you know, I've got Hong Kong Fooey on my key ring. Which was bought for me by... I know, but I thought you'd seen someone about that. Well, you bought it for me. I did. Because I kept getting the lyric wrong. That's right. I thought it was Never Seen a Better Guy,

and it's actually Number One Super Guy. That's it. And that is actually on the key ring. So in many ways, it's an aide de mémoire. Some have What Would Jesus Do? I have Number One Super Guy. And a picture, obviously, of Hong Kong phooey. Or denry, for those of you who prefer his secret identity.

I have Louis Vuitton, so it takes all sorts. It does, yeah. Every dog has his day. What a response. Is that part of the same conversation? I'm not sure. Hong Kong Phooey is a dog. That's true, yeah.

And he's in the same company now as Louis Vuitton. So, you know, that's fair enough, I think. Thank you so much for listening this morning. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.