The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Smuggle

Episode Date: September 9, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week so Emily is in charge with Alun and Gareth. The team discuss childhood habits, strange Grandparent names and Hitler's pants.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show, but I'm Emily Dean. What the blazes? Frank is actually... Are we allowed to say this? He's feeling a bit under the weather today. So I've leapt into his chair like a good friend slash vulture, and I'll be here all morning, joined very ably by martial arts grandmaster Alan Cochran. Morning.

I'm going to skate over that description, but morning. I love it. It's not going anywhere. And spectacle wearer of the year 1993, Gareth Richards. Oh, I didn't mean to play that! She's a lady! I genuinely did not mean to play that. I'm happy with my intro. I'm so sorry about that. I was actually going to

play this. Which I think is nicer. That's right, but no, you're I'm so sorry about that. I was actually going to play this. If there's one... All right. Which I think is nicer. That's right, but no, you outed me. I mean, there could be worse jingles associated with you. I'd happily be a lady. We should say... Gender is a spectrum.

Okay, on that bombshell, let's get the business out of the way. You can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us if you're a nana. I mean, anyone can email us. Good morning, boys.

Nanas would write us letters or postcards, wouldn't they? Sometimes we get a snail mail missive, don't we? What's our postcode? I don't even know our postcode. W1F. W1F? 9DJ. Oh, 9DJ. DJ.code. W1F. W1F. 9DJ. Oh, 9DJ.

DJ. Oh, yes, we've discussed this before. You looked like it was a secret for a moment there. Yeah. Do you like that Big Daddy's off and Daisy's kind of worming her way into the show a bit now? You started that. I did.

I was asking her a direct question. This is true. Alan, stop telling the truth. Sorry. That's what I'm like. Oh, this is the media nowadays. Alan, stop telling the truth. Sorry. That's what I'm like. Well, this is the media nowadays. Alan, stop telling the truth. Yeah. You lot on your media studies

degrees. We are in post-truth, aren't we? So, we've got all the business out of the way with. Sure. I would like to, without further agadoo this morning, I would like to talk about an incident that occurred last week. Alan Cochran was present. Gareth, you weren't present.

It was a breakfast after the show. Big Daddy was there. It was lovely. That means Frank for anybody new to the show. Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Or any wrestling fans. Big Daddy's no longer with us. Is that Big Daddy?

Yes, it would be weird if he was there. I mean, our Big Daddy's fine. Well, he's not fine. He's not my Big Daddy. I longer with us, is that Big Daddy? Yes, it would be weird if he was there. I mean, our Big Daddy's fine. Well, he's not fine. He's not my Big Daddy. I bridle it. Yeah, he's in a bit of trouble, isn't he, as Frank Spencer would say. Well, he's had a little bit of trouble. Joe Pasquale's playing Frank Spencer. Did you hear that? What?

Yes, that was the news out this week. Is this breaking news? I believe so. Joe Pasquale... Is playing Frank Spencer. In what? A dream? What is this? No, Al, in the story that I read,

unfortunately it had said Joe Pasquale to play Frank Skinner. Oh, really? Now, that really was a dream. Yeah. A very strange dream. Not the first time he'd have said Frank's words on air. OK, everyone. But yeah, so that is apparently a thing that's happening.

Oh, how exciting. Okay, everyone excited about that? Anyway, we were having brunch. Thanks, Al. Keep me on the straight and narrow. And Daisy, the producer, she's getting another mention. She had observed someone recently leaving their crusts at the end of a meal we'd been eating. And she was expressing...

Was this one of her kids? No, it was an adult. An adult? Yeah, an adult male. And she was expressing, I'm going to say horror at this. She was absolutely horrified that someone had left their cross. She said, I can't believe they left their cross like that. Why would you do that?

And so we got into a bit of a debate, didn't we, Al? And we discussed who left their cross. Because I've got to say, I have left my cross before. How recently? Maybe a couple of weeks ago. Judging you not. Let me check my diary.

But she seemed to be suggesting that this was a very childlike thing to do and you left behind leaving your crusts behind along with childhood. Why was this person still doing that? My argument was that I think we've long since been disavowed

of the notion that crusts are in any way good for you. So why eat them if they're bad for you? If you want, you know, you're an adult, you can do what you want. I agree with what you've just said on so many levels, not least the opportunity to use the word disavowed. I mean, fantastic. I haven't used that since i was sued i've never been sued yet yeah this is true joe pasquale um so what do you guys think about this

i mean al i think i seem to recall that you were in agreement with daisy uh yeah although i mean i think i think Frank raised the point that if bread's not good for you, why eat extra bread? Because you've been told when you were a child to eat your crusts. Just don't eat... Yeah. I personally am thinking of going right the other way because obviously I've got a natural contrarian touch

and I might just start only eating the crusts and then leave in the middle bit of the toast all buttery on plates just see how much that fox is the waiting staff I'm so glad you said foxes I'm just still so relieved you said foxes we're talking about things that we thought we'd left in childhood, but perhaps we haven't.

And we were talking about crusts, weren't we? Because I think it was very recently that it struck me that actually crusts don't have any health value over the rest of the bread. Because that's what we're taught, isn't it? Is that there's somehow extra vitamins or some sort of hair-curling agent in the crust. Which no one really wants now, either.

They all buy straighteners. Or hairy chest. People don't want a hairy chest anymore, do they? Even people who have got them. Speak for yourself. People who have got them don't want them, apparently. What, hairy chests? Yeah, I know several men, gentlemen,

of my acquaintance who shave their heads. Chests. You know, shave their heads is a much more common sentence. The ones that shave their heads tend to work in close protection to be aware. To be fair, to be aware. What's happening to us? And they wear those wraparound sunglasses.

But I do think with, I mean I like a hairy chest. Yeah, I've said it. said it okay well i eat my crusts and have chest hair so i'm so archaic have i turned frank show into loose women i've just said i like a hairy chest men of the world when do you think the trend for shaving the chest stopped it was when emily dean announced on absolute radio that she liked hairy chest yeah you probably freed up a few minutes a month for some guys now. Just putting their bick down, getting on with their day.

We should say you can text in on 8-12-15 if you've got any strange childhood habits. They don't have to be strange, but they're things that happened in your childhood and you would not have anticipated to still be doing them now. Par example, I steal buy ice lollies. Oh, nice. Which is sort of fine if you're buying a pack for a family.

But no, I go in as an adult female with a decent property and a nice, reasonable lifestyle. You're doing all right? Yeah, I think so. There's no arrested development that's indicative of just your general presence. There's no arrests either. I'm doing well. Clean form, she could. But I go in to the newsagent and say,

just the knobbly-bobbly, please. Because that is my favourite ice lolly. I don't like grown-up ones like the Macho Cornettos or Magnums. Or of chocolate. It's horrible. Or an ice lolly. Like a knobbly-bobbly. So I like a knobbly-bobbly. So I like a knobbly-bobbly. And I think the comedy element of it appeals to me,

but I'm embarrassed to buy it on its own. Good for you. Well, yeah, you say that, but my local shop, I thought he was judging me. Do you buy it with something really grown up, like a copy of The Economist, just to balance it out?

I actually bought it with some loom paper the other day, which was a bit strange, because that's for an adult purchase. Children don't bother with that. Someone else deals with that. That's true, yeah. Bin bags, they don't get those either. But I did, I mean, the knobbly-bobbly,

I should just say, is, I was going to say fab, but that's going to get us in all sorts of ice lolly hot water. They don't like that either. It's a feast. No, that doesn't work either. Do you think, guys, that it's strange that I go and buy a single ice lolly for myself? Maybe I might have bought one yesterday.

Sort of half past four. Is that strange? I don't know. I think as an adult, to eat an ice lolly is not that childish. I still eat the odd scab. Oh. Extraordinary revelation.

Is that a thing that I should have stopped doing? In the north, is that a sort of ice lolly? Please tell me it's a sort of ice lolly. What, do you eat scab? I don't think we're going to better that, Gareth. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't think we're going to better that, Gareth. What are we talking about this morning? We're talking about things that we should have put away and sheltered,

but perhaps haven't, like me and my knobbly bobblies. Well. Which is an ice lolly that purchases and eats by herself that's not uh yeah noel edmunds new uh format um helen in bromley has texted you saying uh go to tesco the half price a box of four for a quid wow what she adds thanks helen appreciate it she then adds a scab and an exclamation mark i'm not sure what that means. Oh, yes. That was the Northern Ice lolly that Alan Holcron used to eat. No, I actually meant...

I know what you meant. I'm not the only person that has a nibble. Please stop. I'll be honest, it hasn't lit up the switchboard quite as much as I expected it to with fellow eaters. No, I don't call them fellow eaters. It's horrible. I'm sure it's fine.

On behalf of the eater community, I'd like to really highlight this issue. We don't really have a label. Thank you, Helen, for the info. I enjoy that. Art and Hugh on Twitter says, think childish things that we carried on, dare I say, Doctor Who.

Controversial. Wow. Okay. I feel slightly sick and a bit ill and nervous. The thing that I still do that I think is quite childish. What's that? And I definitely thought this would stop at about age nine

but it is still alive and well into my forties is pretending to be asleep when other people come into the room. I am still pretending to be asleep. I mean, how infantile. When you say other people, you mean your partner, your life partner? And my children, like if they walk into the living room, not even convincingly, like at five o'clock in the evening,

they'll come through and I'll just go... Like really unconvincingly. And is that just in a... Sure, you just think, you know, I want a little lie down. I don't really know what I get from it. But I'm still doing it. I thought you were just really sleepy. Whenever I walk into a room, you're fast asleep.

Do you know what I like about this though, Gareth? Is the slightly irrational, illogical aspect to it. There's nothing for me in it. I don't know why I'm doing it. You know, it's not like you've committed a crime and you want some sort of alibi. You just don't want to engage, really. I think that could be it. I understand. You've just

therapised me in about two seconds there. You just don't want to engage. Okay, sorry. £160. You got me. Jack on Twitter says... Jack on Twitter he says Jack on Twitter is that like Berwick upon Tweed he says

eating crunchies by eating the chocolate off the ends and then the sides and then giving a mini celebration if you get the top off in one bit

there's always a mini celebration for that I don't think to be honest though with that crunchy thing no I've never done that because then the honeycomb's all depressing

and I think... There's a lot of sugar you're left with and no chocolate there. I do Milky Ways that way, getting that and Maltesers, I can get all the shell off of a Malteser. Oh, congrats you're well done. No, but are you a fan of that then? You like leaving the

sort of malt or honeycomb centre? I like having a tradition of how I eat certain things. Yes. Sort of a ceremony. What's the right word? Yeah, where you eat particular things in a certain way. I like to lick the flavour off crisps sometimes. Oh, okay.

Now you say that. Sounds worse than eating a scab, though. It does not. That is gross. It does not, That is gross. It does not scab eater. Also, yeah, when you said, I like to lick the outside of crisps, sometimes it sounded a little bit funny.

That's exactly what I was going to say. With fava beans, is my noise. I also, I, when I am counting seconds, when I'm in a situation where I have to do that, I say one elephant, two elephants, three elephants. I'm still on Mississippi. Oh, do you do Mississippi? Maybe that's an adult thing and everyone does that.

I used to tape myself on a tape player and pretend I was doing a radio show. Did you? Yeah, yeah. Any tips for us today perhaps? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. What are we talking about this morning, boys?

We're discussing childhood habits that were continued. And we've got a bit of a deal breaker for me. But you could text in on 8-12-15. Sorry, Al. 417 has just texted in. It's a bit of a deal breaker for me. But you could text in on 8-12-15. Sorry, Al. 417 has just texted in. It's a bit of a deal breaker for me. What about sucking your thumb? I'm 47 and still do it. In my sleep, they add. I'll forgive you in the sleep, but I'm not having that as an adult.

Well, of course you do, because you're only pretending to be asleep. You don't actually sleep. We've established that. You know what? I feel for them because this that's one of those hard things maybe it's just very comforting it's like having a little blanket isn't it or a nine eye a what what's a nine i knew this day was gonna come a nine is like a little piece of blankie that you get as a child does anyone else have this oh no i think that's one of the things where there's different family names for things like i really appreciate your kindness and um you know sometimes and sometimes that is that not a thing okay sorry that's the thing we'll skip right over

um and sometimes people have weird names for their... You know, people have really weird names for their grandparents. Oh, yes! Like, this is Grangie, or... Actually, that's a good texting. If you've got any strange names for your grandparents, I'd like to know what they are. Because we had some. I can't remember what we called them now. I'll remember.

What did we call ours? We had a strange one. I think we called her Mavo. Mavo? Yeah. But perhaps her name was Mavis. I think it may have been. Right, and you were just early adopters of Australian slang

where they put an O onto everything. Steve-o. Mavo. Yes, she was in New Zealand, actually. So that's probably why she was called Mavo. Just a sort of slightly Danny Dyer approach to grandparenting. Mavo. If there was a prize to give out for best one of these,

if we give a mug or something. I mean, we don't do that, may I? If there was a prize to give out for best one of these, if we give a mug or something, I mean, we don't do that, do we? But David Lundberg says the thing he's carried on is making holes in the bottom of eggshells so witches can't use them as boats. Oh, is that a thing? Well, I've never heard about that. He said it like it's the most accessible bit

of observational comedy and we'll all be, oh, yeah, making holes in eggshells so witches can't use them as boats. Where does he draw the line? I mean, does he do this at restaurants when he's on a date? Any vessel he likes to smash, just in case a witch will use it as a boat. Why do witches like eggs?

I didn't know that they were such facts. Oh, I tell you, there's something I do, actually, which I'd forgotten about. I, and this is a bit strange, I sometimes, if I meet someone and I like them, a girl or something, and I'll say, oh, I really like you, I want to be your friend.

Oh, that's fun. I do that quite often. Daisy's nodding with recognition. I said it only recently. I was with a friend of mine and she introduced me to a girl and I was chatting to her and I just with a friend of mine, and she introduced me to a girl, and I was chatting to her, and I just had a very nice feeling about her. And I said, I really like you.

I really like it. You could be my friend. And she went, okay. I'd like you to be a friend to me. Did she flee? I mean, I haven't heard from her since. Oh, that's a shame. But we'll see.

Would you be freaked out if someone did that to you? Men don't do that really, do they? No. I'd feel similar if somebody knocked on from my street and said, do you want to play out, Alan? Did you say play out? Yeah. Oh, we didn't say that.

You didn't say play out. Oh, we didn't really play with children. We played with adults. But, yeah, no, they'd knock on your door and say, can Emily come out to play? Did you have that that Gareth? no the way I make friends

is I say do you want me to smash the eggshell for you so a witch can use it as a boat anyway to the woman that I

that I recently asked if approached and asked her to be my friend and I haven't heard from her that's okay because there are plenty of other people I can go up to

and say that to. I mean, I might try it out today. What if I do it with strangers? Like street mate, friend mate. Just walk up to people. Yeah, are you trying to launch a television show, Hydera? Is that what's happening here? No, I'm just trying to end this link. Oh, well, we can end

it with, my granddaughter calls me Grubbs Grubbs. She's covered in insect larvae. it with my granddaughter calls me Grubbs Grubbs. Because she's covered in insect larvae. Okay, we'll discuss why off air. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

So we've got a couple of text-ins people are responding to because we have the first thing of childhood things that we've carried on doing. Yes. One of them from Ali E says, dropping minstrels into hot drinks

so that you can fish them out or melted, but still in the shell. I mean, that is a game changer. That's actually something I've never done, but I plan on starting as of today. Can we get some hot drinks and minstrels, please? Can we get someone on that? Yeah. Minstrels. Oh, Can we get someone on that? Yeah.

Minstrels. Oh, wow. Going to touch Jeremy Clarkson there. Let's do it. I'd get on with that if I was you, just in case she starts swinging punches. If you don't return with them, I won't assault you in any way.

Beth has gone properly old school and just said, Beth Bailey, I don't eat the crust and I've never made my kids eat them either. Oh, good for you. Has she got that in Latin on a crest outside her house?

Jackie has texted that she counts to, I guess, counts from lightning to thunder clap to get the distance of the thunderstorm. That's a thing, isn't it? Yes. But again, that's a thing I think drifts away in adulthood. Yes. I mean, it always felt just a bit, it felt a bit scientific for me.

I just felt safe with elephants. I don't think it's that scientific to count lightning to thunder. And Helen has texted, Morning, I regularly hide behind doors and in cupboards to jump out on the children shouting boo or rah. Makes me laugh every time. No mention of how the children find it. None.

Well, they're in their Saturday therapy session, aren't they? Yeah, they're a bit busy. No judgement. Our second stream was interesting names for grandparents. I like the stream. What's happened with the stream? I'm enjoying that enormously. Fiona Caldwell, and this is tinged with sadness.

Okay. Sorry, I'm just preparing myself. I'm just getting my... You need a jingle. Do-do-do-do. Yes, let's do something sad. This is my sad jingle. I like it, I like it.

Called my grandad gotcha go when I was two because he was always busy and said got to go. I'm 30 and still call him that I like that you adopted quite a poignant voice when you read that well yeah I mean I don't think it's that sad really although I I think um got to go that sounds like it could be an actual name in some ways. Go on, Alan. Karen from Cheltenham. This is not me speaking.

My husband, after eating two boiled eggs, turns their empty shell upside down and asks the children if they'd like an egg before declaring, oh, it's empty. He then puts a hole in the other end and plays it like a trumpet before pretending to use them as binoculars. The girls still joining. They're 18 and 19. the other end and plays it like a trumpet before pretending to use them as binoculars the girl's still joining they're 18 and 19 i love that i like the willingness on teenagers who you'd think

it'd be too cool for this game to join in i like that it's straying into mental cruelty as well This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You were right, Emily Dean. Many people have got funny nicknames for grandparents, or at least unusual. You'd think they'd just be Gran and Grandad. Other people have got their own versions of Mayvo. Morning, Emily, Alan and Gareth. Good paying attention, Texter. I love this person already. Morning, Emily, Alan and Gareth. Good paying attention, texter.

I love this person already. Yeah, me too. Ree, I also love a Ree at the start of a text. I mean, frankly, they don't need to do any more. Ree, grandparents' names. My granddad was known as Cuckoo Dad

on account of owning a cuckoo clock. Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure that's why? That's what they're claiming. My grandma was affectionately referred to as Granny Grotbag. She spent the best part of 20 years trying to change it to Granny Groovy

including signing of birthday cards with the groovy moniker. Sadly for her, this was to no avail and a dot dot dot. Well, this is the thing about these nicknames. They stick. I don't know. Jinx. Well, this is the thing about these nicknames. They stick. I don't know. Jinx. Oh, you two.

You know what? You're like those twins in The Shining. That's it. Granny Grotbags. Sam from Rygate says, we call our grandfather Spanish Dave because he has silver hair like an old Spanish man. Is he a great train robber? I mean, he sounds like a great train robber.

All right, come and stay at my villa. It's lovely. Oh, that's just a gold ID bracelet I picked up. I'm sure he's lovely Spanish, Dave. I like the idea of giving a region to your grandparent. Oh, well, I've got that in my family because my mother is called Granny Scottish to my children. Oh, I love that that and was that you

that decided upon that i think i began it yeah but it's it's now got you know the wind in its sails for sure i prefer we never knew with my on my mother's side i mean this is getting a bit who do you think you are but on my mother's side my grandmother because she had five husbands it just got confusing right and she would say in front of that person don't call me that name she had about 15 different names and what was she to you grandma five husbands pretty much and counting in case she began another relationship granny can't quite make her mind i like uh grandfather cookie i think that's one of my was it what was his name granddad cookie i think it was i think he's one of my... What was his name? Granddad Cookie. I think it was, yeah.

I think he's one of my favourites. Me too. I enjoy that. Well, I have something else I need to discuss with you. I don't know how imminent the Fez is, because we have a Fez, we should say, which the producer produces, ironically enough, from her person,

and she shows it to us to indicate that it's time to move on and the link's about to end. But I need to talk to you about a communique I've had with Ross Noble. Oh, yeah. Because there's a slightly Orks aspect to it. Well, that's Orks, because he's what I would call the friend of the show. He's a friend of the show, he's a friend of mine. I adore that man.

So he's about to star in Young Frankenstein, the musical. I think that's out there, isn't it? I think people know that. Is it? And, well, let's hope so, because that'll be Orcs number two. Breaking news. He sent me a message saying what's the best email to invite the Skinner Gang? Which I thought was lovely. And then I was about to reply

and I suddenly realised who are the Skinner Gang? Does he mean the radio show and if so all of us? Does he mean Frank's mother-in-law and brother-in-law and sister-in-law? Does he mean is the Skinner Gang our Nora, our Terry? I don't know who the Skinner gang actually are. So I thought, maybe it's another group of people entirely.

So I'll just send him an email, and I said, I gave him a series of contact numbers. And I said, I am on, and then my email address. Frank's PA is on, which in itself sounds quite rude, Frank's PA. And then I said, this is Daisy Producer's email, should you wish to invite... And now it looks like I'm expecting all of these people to be invited and all of their entourages. You think?

And I haven't heard from him. I feel absolutely sick. The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio This is The Frank Skinner Show I'm Emily Dean And I'm standing in for Frank this morning

He's a little bit poorly As they like to say up north But we wish you well Frank And we hope you're feeling much better. You can text the show on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. I'm here this morning, and I'm with Gareth Richards. Good morning, Gareth. Good morning. I'm here with the Cockerel. Morning. I'm happy just to call you the Cockerel these days.

We don't need your full name. So, yeah. I'll tell you what i wanted to talk about this morning we haven't mentioned which is a bit of a hot news story uh hitler's pants um yeah we haven't i was i was thinking you've already been boasting about how solvent you are and uh and now here here's something that perhaps you may want to invest some of your filthy money in. OK, I like the sound of this. A pair of Adolf Hitler's initialed... I'm worried on taste grounds, I'm not going to lie. Initialed underpants are up for auction in the US.

Oh, wow. They've been kept apparently since the... I'm reading directly from the Daily Mail here. OK. They've been kept since the Nazi dictator forgot them when he left a hotel in Graz. Is that how you'd say that? Well, yeah, but I didn't think it was the Premier Inn in Norwich.

No, true enough. Which I have stayed in, actually. It was in Austria. When Adam Buxton got married. You stayed in a Premier Inn in Norwich? It's the only time I've stayed in one, and you know what? It wasn't that bad. No, they're all right.

So you can have that for your advertising slogan you know what? It wasn't that bad. No, they're all right. So you can have that for your advertising slogan, premiering, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, I wonder if the lads know they're all right, Alan Duncan. I doubt it. They'll probably just stick with Lenny Henry instead of us two as their endorsing comic boys. Oh, yes, they don't need us, Al. They don't need the likes of us.

Now, I wonder if Hitler did forget these pants or if he was an early adopter of the system that has been used on this show of when pants are getting what my mum would call a bit done. You know when clothing is reaching the end of its life, you would call it a bit done. Now, that T-shirt's a bit done, and what it means is the neck's gone all baggy

and it's no longer presentable. Yes, my gay godfather always says, he's Australian, he says, that seems better days. Seem better days. Yeah, maybe the pants that seems better days. Seen better days. Yeah, maybe the pants had seen better days and he just left them on purpose. I think these pants have seen much worse days, can I just say. It doesn't get worse than the kind of days these pants have seen.

I don't think they had the emotional understanding of what was going on. I think you're absolutely right. But, you know. But if you're talking about pants seeing days that is personifying pants and the days these pants saw apparently it turns out the pants are quite roomy yeah they look to me like um no i've heard i mean genuinely it says how they measure 39 inches at the waist 39 waist waist? Well, I don't know about waists. I mean, is that... That's big.

I mean, I'm a much bigger man than he would have been. I mean, like, physically, I don't think he was 6'3". Don't put yourself down. Oh, yeah. You're the bigger man between you and Hitler, definitely. I would say you're definitely a bigger man than him. I mean, it's a physical specimen. I don't mean it's, like, you know, in terms of...

Yes, no, I understand, in terms of sort of moral code. Emotional maturity. Yeah. But then maybe the fashion, assuming Hitler was wearing the most fashionable underwear at the time, was for more baggy underwear now, because now it's more of a boxer brief, isn't it? Yeah.

A boxer brief. Whereas these seem quite big and roomy. But he must have spent all day trying to hitch them back up, or... No wonder he was annoyed. History would have been very different had he spent all day trying to hitch them back up. No wonder he was annoyed. History would have been very different had he spent all day trying to hitch his pants back up. I wonder he was annoyed at the world if his pants were constantly dropping down.

Bad art. Nothing going from that man. Couldn't draw. Can't find a pair of pants to fit him. There was someone who is... What was his name, this character? He's called Karl Wilhelm Krauss. And he's somehow involved with the auction.

Don't ask me for specifics. Oh, really? But he said, it is no secret, of course, I'm not doing a German accent. I could have and I didn't, that Hitler was, in general, an atrocious dresser and preferred the loosest clothing. Is that what it says? Well, that apparently, it said according to his valet. I can't believe his valet is still going. No.

But anyway, I sort of thought maybe that's not the most atrocious thing about him. The fact that he liked the loosest clothing. No. Epic style fail. There are other issues, aren't there? And for me, this is worrying all around because I think there's two sectors of the population those who like to buy other people's used underwear and people

who like to collect Hitler memorabilia and neither of those groups is I'm worried about both of those and I'm particularly worried about the crossover between those two groups and who that guy is or girl. Let's say Sounds like a bidding war

to me that you just described if it says yeah going to a kind loving home I don't think you'll find that where those pants are going

one careful user this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio so Hitler's underpants okay we were talking about that wasn't the name of their track by the way, we were talking about. That wasn't the name of their track, by the way. Yes, we were talking about Hitler's Pants, which are up for auction.

I believe they think they're going to fetch, they all say fetch with auction prices, don't they? They do. £5,000. Is that all? Well, I would have thought more. But then as Gareth says, I mean, who's going to buy them? Some weirdo well

not me now that i know that there are 38 or a museum maybe a museum the pants museum how would you hang them it's just it does seem an odd piece of memorabilia yeah is there a pre-existing interest in world war memorabilia is that already a thing i think it is i'm interested in the fact that his interesting World War memorabilia. That's Oscar Murray. Is that already a thing? I think it is. I'm interested in the fact that his pants are initialed. Yeah.

A-H. A-H. I wonder if he thought he had an idea every morning when he looked at his pants and he thought, ah. And then,

if it had been the other way around, he might have found it funny. Like, ha. Well, maybe he needed to... If he'd just laughed slightly more, different story. Maybe he needed a constant reminding, because it's almost like he had low self-esteem or something. Do you think?

Yeah. But I noticed there's the globe is also for sale, but interestingly, that's going to get £100,000 and the pants only £5,000. Seems a huge disparity between pants and globe. Why so? I have a mental problem with that globe. He only had one globe.

Sitting around the pants issue very carefully. He's not unlike my dog Raymond in that respect, but that's a whole other story. Oh, is it? Yes. The globe, I think... We're talking about the globe. The actual globe that's Hitler's, that's a whole other story oh is it yes um the uh the globe i think we're talking about the globe the actual globe that's hitler's that's for sale i think i i want that but i think that's because i think of the charlie chaplin film where he spins a globe and then leans on it and falls off and that was not hitler to my knowledge although you know maybe we'll get a text in saying

actually you're wrong i'm an expert on hitler and he did once lean on that globe and fall over. Yeah, and it was a reference to that. But, I mean, yeah, I don't think... Look, the fact is, I don't think I'd really want any Hitler memorabilia, and I certainly don't want someone's old pants. Breaking news. That are done. Breaking news.

Emily Dean, I don't want any Hitler memorabilia. I don't. I mean, I did know a gentleman once. I'm making this sound a bit sus, but he was actually of the glasses on a lanyard persuasion, if you know what I mean. Older? No.

Oh, okay, got you. I don't think he would have been interested in dating me. Right. I mean, that doesn't mean he's fallen straight, to be fair. He was gay, okay? Okay. Done with euphemisms. Sick of it. all straight, to be fair. He was gay, OK? OK. Pretty sure you're allowed to say it Done with euphemisms.

Sick of it. Anyway, he brought out a pair of Queen Victoria's bloomers once after dinner. Hang on, is that a euphemism? Is this some cocktails? Queen Victoria's bloomer, anyone? No. You like a side I don't eat bread?

No, it wasn't... It wasn't. It wasn't a name for poppers or something. But he decided... They didn't have poppers in those days. No. They didn't have poppers on bloomers. I was talking about the bloomers. It was sort of after dinner entertainment,

and we all took snaps. What does that mean? OK, so... And, you know, it was really nice. And I thought, well, I don't know what these cost you, let's say 3K, but probably it's worth it. If you added up all the after-eight mints and brandies he'd have had to have bought over the years

and he's got the bloomers instead. It's a lovely party trick. Yeah, in a way it's a cost-saver, isn't it? Yeah. This whole thing is a damning indictment of the monogram as a way to keep stuck, because they didn't get back to them, did they? Good point. They were

initialed and they never got them back. Yeah, it's not really like a lost luggage label, is it? No. Didn't work. That's true. Well, so have we established here that none of us would buy these pants? No. Well, I'm a grey area because I'm not going to buy them

because I know they're not my size. You're not going to buy them? You know, were they a 32 or a 34, then maybe I'd ponder it. Or were they, you know, a bit cheaper? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Emily, it's very exciting.

We have some minstrels, other disc-shaped chocolate with a crispy shell on the outside are available. They're not really... No, others aren't. Other minstrels are available, but they tend to be the wandering play music type, and they're not as much fun to dip in coffee.

Like you two at the Edinburgh Festival, but we'll return to that. So Ali E said her childhood thing she still does is dropping minstrels into hot drink so that you can fish them out all melted, but still in the shell. So the idea is this will still be a crispy shell but with melted chocolate on the inside.

Are you ready? I'm dropping my minstrel into the hot drink. Gareth, can we build a tension? I'm just rattling the packet so they can hear me. It's like an episode of The Archers. It is. Awful. Well, I heard The Archers. Did I tell you this? Awful radio.

I'm getting to quite like it. I heard it. I shouldn't be promoting it on the radio. No, I heard it the other day Did I tell you this? All four radio. I'm getting to quite like it. I heard it. I shouldn't be promoting it on the radio. No, I heard it the other day. You can't be friends with people who are like the Archers. But guess what the cliffhanger was, Al? Guess what the cliffhanger was? Dad, I'm going to defer my place at university.

Tune in tomorrow to find out. See, I worry that even singing that tune has made some people reach for the button that turns the radio off, just in case. Okay. People are probably off by now if this isn't their cup of tea. You need to get that out. Yeah, so I'm going to fish it out. So that's been in there for about 30 seconds, is it?

This is like some terrible cookery programme. So what am I doing, chaps? Am I putting a minstrel in my drink? In my coffee? It's going in. Do I stir it? I think you just leave it in there for a while. Gareth's done his.

Great. Now he's going to put it in. Mine's out. I'm going to taste mine. I'm going to do the talking during this because I don't like this confectionery. And also my coffee comes with full fat cream, so I do not need any sugary extra help. Okay. I'm fat adjusted.

I like fat better than sugar, guys. Okay. I mean, it is a judgment. I'm enjoying this, but I'm not sure what great radio it is. Yeah, me neither. No. That's really great, that minstrel. That was really good.

Are you glad you listened to all that so we can establish it's really great? Not a comment on the radio. Really soft and melty on the inside and then still crunchy on the outside. Okay. So I give it two thumbs up. Do you know, that link's nearly over, and I don't feel we've achieved very much. I feel all we've done is put mince straws in a drink

and sing the Archer's theme tune. How dare you? Yeah. That was a compelling radio, and if I don't get some sort of cookery show after this... He's going for it again. There it goes. Genuinely loved it.

Have you tasted yours, Em? No. Well, that's what people are waiting for. OK, really? I'm not sure that's what people are waiting for. Okay, really? I'm not sure that's what people are waiting for. I think they've got more going on in their lives. Men have stopped shaving their chest to see whether you, like, melted in the inside minstrels.

Okay, well, that I do want to talk about. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. We're talking on Absolute Radio this morning about a number of topics, but you can text in on 8.12.15 about your, if you had any strange names for your grandparents,

in my case, Mavo, and also we're talking about childhood habits that you haven't quite let go. So you can text us in about that. But, and also, Ross Noble, you can text me just to put my mind at rest that you're still talking to me because we had a really awks exchange and you left me kind of hanging. And am I included in the Skinner gang?

Well, this is the other thing. I mean, it's all getting a bit even more awkward because Gareth's here today. And who is the Skinner gang? I think that's what we need to know extended skinner gang we should say in case you've just tuned in this news just in ross noble invited us out to young frankenstein and he invited the skinner gang and i don't know who that is or it could be the east london street gang known as the skinner gang who um i mean i shouldn't talk

about them anymore he might just think I have contact numbers for them. And then I bombarded him with a series of different emails. I got into a little spot of bother with the Skinner Gang. If you've got any contacts, I mean, you would be someone who might have some contacts to help you out of a mob problem. But if someone sends you an invitation to a musical and you then send them three separate emails, that seems somewhat grabby

but i was just covering all my bases best not to obsess about it well the good thing is we can talk about it you've really styled it out by mentioning it on the radio i think that's really if there was any awkwardness you've really smoothed over that oh thank god thank god he's such a reasonable man. I mean that genuinely. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I need to talk to you two,

because you were both in Edinburgh. I wasn't there this year, which was a great loss to that city. But you were both there doing... I'll rip it up there. You were both there doing your little shows love it and i wondered if that was a description if you may have if you may have encountered each other during your sketches sketch shows so during edinburgh festival where there's a pretty month month long comedy festival where everyone does a show a day because some people don't know how it works.

That's right. He's going down the Frank Skinner conurbation in the... We met once. Once in a queue for food in a place that I then stayed in the queue. Sounds a bit depressing like Ken

Lodge film. No, it was a busy cafe eatery type thing. OK. And Gareth went. The queue was too big. I was just ahead of you in the queue. Well, the weird thing was I was ahead of you in the queue. And still bailed.

I was with my friend Chris, one of my Camden friends. Oh, Gareth, you know what this sounds like? When people are telling you about the when we met story. So he was ahead of me in the queue. No, no, you tell it. No, I will. He was a bit ahead of me. And then you say, Gareth, what happened? So he was ahead of me in the queue. No, no, you tell it. No, I will. He was a bit ahead of me and then you say, Gareth, what happened?

So it was about halfway through Edinburgh so my nerves were a little frayed. It was closer to the end than that. Was it? Your nerves were more frayed than that. And so you will storm out of eateries if things don't go exactly the way you need them to go at that point.

Really? Is that fair? So you're a little on the edge. So we got offered a table, but it was offered a table sharing with two men on a laptop. We're on the other side of the table. Separate laptops, not two men on one laptop. And I was like, I can't sit with two just strange men.

I'm going somewhere else. So we said hi, and you're with your family? Hang on, were the men sharing the laptop then? No, it was Tuesday. I had a laptop each. Okay. Okay. Doing ever so well.

It's quite a nice place. I just don't like the phrase lap and men. It just makes me feel a bit uneasy. Orbs, isn't it? Just in case my family are listening, it was when you guys were up. It wasn't another family that I had in Edinburgh. I didn't want to say anything

in case it wasn't your wife and kids, but just another woman and kids who you hang out with. She's got a blonde and called Angel, isn't she? That's right, yeah, yeah. And the children are 20 and 18. Yeah, I thought that's it, yeah. Yeah, it's weird. Two 19-year-old girls. I say children, dancers. I was there with my family, yeah it's weird 19 year old girl

I say children dancers I was there with my family so you'd think I would be the one that would be frantic and stropping out of the restaurant

because there's a six minute wait whereas it was Gareth and his pal just went it was me I couldn't cope with it

but that was the only time I saw you in the whole festival which I always find strange when you think I'm in a city where I know loads of people,

and there are people that I know well that I did not text and did not bump into in the street during the whole month of living. Really? That blows my mind a little bit. It's all gone a bit Ross Noble. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's right. Can I just say, I have the Fez in front of me,

but I do want to hear more about your Edinburgh experience and yours, Gareth. Okay. Because I think we'll come to understand that Gareth's nerves were getting what I call a bit Richard Hammond's gene bottoms frayed. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Oh, I think my throat made a little noise there. Oh, was that you? Yeah, I think. Did you hear it? I did. I thought I might have done it. so that's good, isn't it? Can we just say, did everyone hear it? I didn't, no.

Oh, we've got three texts already saying... Is it about my throat making the noise? Was that Emily's throat? Yeah. Is there a frog in the studio, or did Emily just not... I mean, Emily's throat is making a noise throughout the show. Yeah, but she's not talking. What I think I'm really good at is moving on from things

and not turning them into walk situations still no dicks from Ras Noor as we move on if you heard Emily's throw 8, 12, 15 no no go buy an email Gareth we want to hear about your horrendous meltdown

did you have a meltdown? no he had an orc situation I should call it a meltdown festival no I have a meltdown? Edinburgh Festival. Well, I mean... No, he had an orc situation. I should call it the Meltdown Festival. No, I meant the meltdown in the cafe, but... Antarctica. You had the cafe meltdown, but how was your Edinburgh otherwise? Yes, I mean,

you're not at your best at Edinburgh Festival at times. It's three weeks long and you can be at your most narcissistic and sort of status anxiety levels. You should see me in London, love. For instance, I don't think, Alan, it's okay two weeks into the festival

for someone to bump into you and say, oh, have you got a show up this year? I didn't do that. No, you didn't, but people did that. That happened to me. There was a pretty horrendous 30 seconds. What do you think I'm doing here? There was a pretty horrendous 30 seconds

when I thought Alan had said that to you. Honest fear in his eyes, real fear. That happened to me. Did someone say that to you? Yeah, yeah. Someone who I know, who works in the comedy industry, who should know that I had a sort of a show on. Who works in this room?

No, no, no. What did they say then? They just say, have you got a show on. Who works in this room? No, no, no. What did they say then? They just say, have you got a show up here? Actually, I think they said something like, oh, you're doing a few gigs while you're up here. And I then had to go, no, I'm doing a show that I've worked on for the whole month. You see, I think having... Publicised and I've, you know, paid to be advertised and I've been doing

and I imagine words really got around by now. This incredible show I'm doing. I think, Gareth, that's the equivalent. It belongs in the same families. Having grown up in a theatrical family, the worst thing was if you would go on stage and you're sort of playing Hedda Garbler and someone says, your hair looked very nice.

That's the slams that go on in the theatre world. And so is that an intentional slam is what I'm saying? No, I think it's just people just don't realise, it's just thoughtless, isn't it? But I think, assume if you meet a comedian in Edinburgh during the festival, err on the side of they're probably doing a show. Yeah, rather than are you doing a show,

maybe what time is your show? That could indicate that you think they're doing a show, you just can't remember the detail. It's better to say, oh, I'm not actually doing a show this year Well it's a bit like, I always say To anyone with a vaguely Antipodean sounding accent Oh, are you from New Zealand? Because Australians will never get offended

Do you see what I'm saying? Think about it Yeah I just listen to their accent and get the right one Can you not do that? I only lived in both countries for nearly seven years. So you think it's offensive. You don't want anyone to think you're calling them Australian.

No, my point being that Australians don't have... Yes, because they have a sort of, you know, the poor relation thing. I mean, I'm half New Zealand, so I can say this. You're half New Zealand? Yes. It's only a little island. I'm half Kiwi. But we want to know about uh what what else happened was that the worst thing that happened to you in the two weeks by no means really hang on you might have to tell us i think

we might have to settle down around the fireside because i want to prepare myself for this you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio but our lovely Frank isn't here this morning but I'm here and Alan's here and so am I and Gareth's here oh right I was getting to you

yeah what you said don't be so thirsty you can text the show let me do my business mummy's doing her business. Sounds awful. Sorry. I'm not that bad.

Most awful thing I've ever said in my whole life to any human beings collected in any room. And that's some leaderboard, isn't it? I mean, to be fair. I'm still in shock at myself. I do apologise to any God-fearing people out there. You can text the show on 8.12.15. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

You can turn off in disgust at what I just said. I'd rather you didn't. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's nice to, you know. I think Gareth's just a bit keen because he's had so many chocolates that have been dipped in coffee. But we'll move on. Oh, we've had a text that I like.

Are they sure about the pants? Remember we were discussing Adolf Hitler's pants? Not the first time I've been asked that. Are they sure about the pants? The A-H and the size could lead one to believe that they're Alfred Hitchcock's. It could be an enormous clerical error from that time that Alfred Hitchcock spent in Austria

and the hotelia just got confused but that's not a bad idea and it was quite a full room so he had to bunk up with Hitler it's one of those stories this is your

underpants Adolf or yeah that would be a straight that's like an Edinburgh show yeah when Alfred met Adolf Gareth Richards

and Alan Cochran play Alfred Hitchcock and Adolf Hitler. Surprise casting. Sorry, it's standing room only today. Everyone else was busy. Or what about Alan Hansen on an away game? Surprise away game?

I mean, I know the eras are all a bit mixed up. Alan Hansen? Yeah, maybe. Interesting. When you talk about Adolf. I'm not sure who's a 38-way either. He's a trim soul. Very slender.

Lovely. Apparently a very good golfer, but then I think that about all the footballers. They like a bit of golf, don't they? Active leisure. Oh, I'm not sure if Gary plays golf. I'm not even saying the surname. There's no need.

There is only one Gary. You'll say it, won't you? Dangerous. He'll say it. Yeah, the active leisure thing. it keeps them out of trouble it's not as dangerous as it's like squash or skiing or something but yeah you know it's still a leisurely thing okay that's worth not sure it entirely keeps them out of trouble you're right no footballers in trouble yeah happy bedfellows yeah gareth so yes edinburgh festival i mean i would like to say that this following story doesn't show happy bedfellows Gareth Edinburgh Festival

I would like to say that this following story doesn't show me in the best possible light but we know we're all in we all know what is leaned in and rubbed their hands so I was hanging out with my friend Mark Markova

who's an excellent comedian and TV warm-up man. Oh, yes. Did he used to do Deal or No Deal? Yes. He does all sorts of the shows. A lot of good warm-up. And a funny comic.

He's a very good comedian. Yeah. And I was hanging out with him, and we met a newer comedian called Will Duggan. Do you know Will? Probably. I'm not great with names. Oh, not great with names i'm not great with names well

you would have been no good in this story at all so i met um i do know will doggen yeah of course you do yeah like because comedians generally know pretty much all the other comedians if you've been doing comedy a while you're on the circuit people pretty much is that right now you tell me pretty much i wouldn't have gone through all the other comedians. So many of them. Would you say? Yeah, I would say so. I mean, eventually. Yeah, eventually. Obviously you have to work with them a first time and then a second. I feel there's a certain way he wants you to answer each time. I think so, yeah.

So just be mindful of that. Yes. But I'd like to play devil's advocate because I've got such a bad memory that sometimes if a comic's not amazing, I need to work with them 200 times before I take them in. Okay. Anyway. Over to you, Gareth. I think to work with them 200 times before I take them in. Okay. Anyway. Over to you, Gareth. I think it's fair to say...

That's helped. Well, I'm someone... If I meet someone once or, like, I remember them, it's a bit like, you know, Homer Simpson and Mr Burns

when Mr Burns never remembers Homer Simpson. Like, you're a definite Mr Burns, aren't you? You'll meet someone and you'll be like, oh, nice to meet you. We've met hundreds of times.

This makes me a baddie in this story. Poor Cochran, isn't he, sitting here? OK, so on with the story, please. Yeah, so we meet this guy, Will. I won't say his surname again. You said it. Yeah, I'm sorry. I said it again.

No, he's a lovely man. And Mark Oliver goes, oh, Will, have you met Gareth? it? Yeah, I'm sorry. No, he's a lovely man. And Mark Oliver goes, oh, Will, have you met Gareth? And Will goes, no, I've never met Gareth. And he goes, oh, do you know Guess's surname? He says,

I've never heard of the game Guess's surname before. That's because there is no such game. And this is not a good thing to be doing at the Edinburgh Festival, where it's all about trying to make a name for yourself. You've been doing a show for two weeks and Mark Oliver suggests a game of guess your surname.

But it is a good guessing game, I think. It is. And can I just say, Gareth sounds fabulously on the edge, so I'm going to leave you hanging there for a minute. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute

Radio. Gareth. Yeah, so we're in Edinburgh Festival. Markov, I've just met a comedian called Will Duggan, and Markov has suggested to Will a name of guess Gareth's surname. Now, it's not many times in life

you get a measure of where you are in the pecking order of your field and how well your name is regarded by others. And this, you know, during Edinburgh Festival, when you're right on the edge, it's not a good time for that to

happen. And Will's in a difficult situation here, isn't he? This is an awkward situation. Mark Oliver has lost his mind suggesting this game. I feel Will is more sinned against than sinning. Yes, exactly.

Will has absolutely no idea who I am. And he's not alone, is he? Let's face it. Statistically. Is it 7 billion people on earth yeah you're such a kind friend Al what you're just making him feel better you are

I think that's a kind friend for a lot of people we can't expect them all to know who Gareth is and bear in mind also I'm aware of the situation. You know, in my normal life, this doesn't cross...

I mean, my mum works in the office and you know who one of the other people she works with? Gareth Malone's mum works in the same office. I like that because he's in the choir, you called it the office. Oh my goodness,

that is going to hurt. You're not even the most famous Gareth of the sons of the people your mum works with. No, that's right. I also like the fact that his mum works in the office. I mean, just for context, that's like my mum working in the same office as Alan Carr and when they discuss their Alans. Yeah, and one day your mum will chip in and go, oh, do you know, actually, my son is a comedian.

Yeah. And, you know, I like that. I'm glad that doesn't happen. Anyway, so Will's got no idea. And he suggests some Gareth comedians, who I haven't even heard of many other Gareth comedians. So he's going through Gareth. Gareth Bale.

Nowhere near, has not got. And so I, I start to act sort of mock angry. I'm not really angry. But I just think, oh, it would be funny in this situation if I pretend that I'm angry.

And I go, oh, so not a comedy fan then. Which, you know, and then he starts to feel like, well, you know, I haven't put myself in this situation. And then he keeps getting, he goes, oh, no, I know who you are, I know who you are.

You were Welsh Unsigned Act of the Year 2015. Welsh? Welsh Unsigned Act of the Year 2015. OK. Now, I was nominated for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival in 2010. Readers of the show will remember the nomination from those days

of when I was here. I haven't achieved a lot in comedy, but I've been doing it for... Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, we've got to just go to an ad break, but I just want to tell you, it's not your fault. It's okay.

It's not your fault. I'll pull myself together in the ad break. It's not your fault. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can I just say, I don't know if it was in that last link, we just heard some extraordinary news, which was that apparently the assistant on the show, shall we call her, let me assistant,

was helping police with her inquiries while she went to get our coffees. So more news on that story as it comes in. Breaking news. Yeah, genuinely just happened. I think an alarm was going off in a restaurant, in fairness. But you know, it's not something you want to hear. It's a long walk for a coffee.

Gareth, what the hell happened? Yeah, so anyway, the situation with the comedians in Edinburgh... Guessing game. Yeah, guess the surname of Gareth Richards did not go well. Okay. He said, oh, yes, I do know you. You were unsigned Welsh Act of the Year 2015, a time when I'd been doing comedy for at least ten years.

Okay. So I don't think I'd have been eligible for that. No. And so I was being being mock angry and then he goes well you know you seem to have quite a bad attitude and i was like uh-oh before we move on did he actually say that i like the fact that you're ignoring the fact you don't seem to be welsh as well it's your years in the comedy game that is putting you out of the welsh unsigned act so hang on carry on the man actually said yes i'm calling of the Welsh unsigned act. So hang on. Carry on. The man actually said, yes, I'm calling him the man. Yeah.

The man actually said, you're getting angry. Yeah, he accused you of being angry. So, well, because Mark said, well, you got nominated to Best Newcomer in 2010 and the guy said, well, he seems to have

a bad attitude about it since. And it's like, well, at that point, I'm going, oh, no, this is going terribly wrong and I don't have the emotional reserves to deal with the social situation of this sort of delicacy.

And all the while this is happening, is Mark Oliver sort of twiddling an evil moustache? Yes, and basically rubbing his hands together. He sounds a Machiavellian character. Yeah, exactly. Did he have a cape on? So what happened in the end? So then we all go into the, because they're about to do a gig, and I feel like, oh, no, this has all gone terribly wrong.

I need to get out of here. I'll just go. I'll just go and I'll go and be by myself somewhere. That sounds a very healthy response. Run away. And so I sort of say, oh, bye, Mark, I'm going to go now. And I go, oh, bye, Will, I'm going to go. And he goes, oh, are you not on?

And I go, well, no, according to you, I'm barely a comedian. And that didn't help, did it? That's not going to help. Well, you know you not on and i go well no according to you i'm barely a comedian well you know what i think i'm very bad about it i won't be friends with them anymore i'd like to apologize publicly to will duggan okay for being weird in edinburgh i'm a human man do i or you was under a lot of pressure i'm a a human man. What is happening to this show? I'm a human man. I said mummy's doing her business. Frank's going to be so upset with us. Can I fact check with you, Emily?

Do I owe Gareth an apology for how much I'm enjoying this story of a colleague having a breakdown at the Edinburgh Festival? I think it's fair to say I've never seen Al so happy in his life. The glint in his eye. It's like the light

in a cab coming on. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio.

A terrible thing happened to me the other day. Huh? Oh, I saw you nestling into your chair then. Yeah, now he looks happier. Well then, I should say, it happened

at a lovely place. I went to my friend's book. Most things do happen to you in a lovely place. Yeah. Okay, you're talking about me specifically or one? Yeah. So this was my friend Adam Kay, who's also a comic. Yeah. You heard of him? A friend of mine. I know him. I've heard of him. Okay, calm down everyone. Nice guy. He's a lovely guy.

He's just written a book, or wrote in a book, as I like to say, called This Is Going To Hurt. And it's very good, and you should buy it, because it's brilliant. Because he used to be a doctor. He was a medical career, that's right. Obstetrician, I believe. And Daisy's a bit of a fan, so she came along, and we had the phone call.

She was like, what are you wearing? I got one of those texts, early doors. We went together with my goddaughter, Honey who's 20. Don't do the math, I'm never going to tell you. And it was a lovely event. It was really nice. Although he was a victim of his own success because it was absolutely

packed. So much so yeah, it was packed. We were sort of slightly rounded and we got there. The speeches were starting and Daisy and I were in the corridor. Speeches? Yeah, speeches at the book launch. Thank you for coming.

He did a reading. But I was next to a man, an elderly man. I think it's fair to say he'd had a few. He'd had a few. I don't know who he was. He had a very large pint glass and he was knocking it back and staggering a bit. I don't think you can have a large pint glass.

But anyway, you have a pint glass. No, you're right. But it looked big. I don't know, because he was drinking it so quickly. Because you were close to it. You're absolutely right. You're right to correct me on that. That's sloppy.

I mean, I like it, though, because I once heard a woman on the phone say, oh, I owe you a big pint to somebody that had done her a favour. I've let myself down with that pint glass. No, I think it's fine. You're right to correct me on it, though. Anyway, this man was a drunk. There's no easy way of saying this.

I like it. He had badges. You're taking your anger out on him. Yeah, I'm angry at my own sloppiness. I'm taking it out on him. He had badges on his lapel in a sort of Alexei Sale in the 80s type way. Right.

From bands. Jud Okay, right. From bands. Judgment, exactly. I mean, there was a Q magazine party hosted by Absolute Radio going on downstairs. And Daisy walked in and she went, oh, there's Absolute Radio down there. Do you think we should? No. But he might have got lost.

He might be like Chumbawamba's grandfather. I don't know. Anyway. I like them. He saw, they said, the nice publishing lady said, and there are copies of the book available at the reduced price of £10.99 if you'd like to buy them. That's my publishing voice. They're all scattered around.

So this man suddenly grabs a copy of the book and says to his friend, Smuggle! Daisy, what's going on? Daisy had purse, lips and arms folded but that's not gonna put the bonnet on the baby i mean we need to stop this theft he goes smuggle why was he saying smuggle hands it to a friend and put it near the friend's grubby rucksack and sort of shoved in and went smuggle so i just thought i've just witnessed a crime here he's stolen from my friend

I didn't say anything so he's saying smuggle yes because it's like a cute it's kind of a bantery quite cute word for oh shall we steal this book

theft smuggle yeah and it's like a so what I'm saying is I didn't like that man on the internet I guess it worked for pirates

I didn't do a citizen's arrest is that what you... When you smuggle things, do you have to go, smuggle? Why did he feel the need to do a sort of corny accent? But what I feel is that I feel I let my friend down. I think maybe I should have named and shamed that man. I didn't know his name, but I've given a good description, and I'm just saying I am now performing a citizen's arrest on you after the fact.

Section 24A of the Criminal Justice Act. Well, the assistant has got some links with the police, so maybe we could get that looked into. Do you know what we're going to do now? She's going to help us with our inquiries. OK. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I'm at Adam Kay's book launch and this man, I haven't performed a citizen's arrest on the drunk man, but I did have another slightly mortificado incident. So I'm there with Daisy and I'm there with my goddaughter and I'm deciding to leave and my goddaughter's talking to this chap who looks, how old would you say, Daisy? I don't know, 30s, 40s? That's a big enough bracket not to offend anyone.

Although I don't know why I'm worried about offending him. Because he said, she introduced me, it was a very noisy bar, I should say. And Honey, my goddaughter, she said, she said she's my godmother. And I heard him say, oh, you don't look old enough, which is a nice thing to say, and I thought that was very polite of him.

To you, or? Yeah, to me. He said, oh, you don't look old enough. So when we nice thing to say. And I thought that was very polite of him. To you? Yeah, to me. He said, oh, you don't look old enough. So when we went to leave... Although there's no age requirement really with godparents. There's no reason why someone would be... You can be a godparent, you just have to be older than the child. But I felt it came from a good place.

And then he said, bye, honey. Bye, honey's grandmother. Yeah, well, that's different. There is an age thing on grandparenting. Yeah. So I'll just leave that there, shall I? Not mathematically impossible, we should say. Buy honey's grandmother. So now in retrospect,

you maybe feel like he didn't seem surprised enough? Is that what you're feeling? So when he said you don't look old enough, no, I really hope I don't look old enough to be Honey's grandmother who's 20 I mean wait let me just do some maths

I mean it's one of the worst things that's ever happened to me Honey I've never seen Honey look so tense she went Godmother Godmother

oh dear yeah yeah is Gareth doing a Susie Denton no it's Rachel Riley he is doing a little bit of sums. I mean, there are very young grandparents these days. Thanks for making me feel better, but I feel terrible.

And it would have been the second citizen's arrest of the evening had I not killed him with my bare hands. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We haven't had any idiotic eureka moments. Oh, IEMs. And a couple of...

We don't have a jingle for that days, do we? No. Well, I'm just going to make one up. For people that aren't aware, the idiotic eureka moment is one of those moments where you realise a thing

that should have been obvious all those years. So, for instance, sooty and sweep in the television programme is based on chimneys. Sooty and, you know, chimney sweep. And we've had a fair few of these. Good morning, all. Thought I'd share an idiotic eureka moment I had the other day, albeit quite embarrassing. Well it is when you

get it and other people don't. So, I was watching the Tigger movie Winnie the Pooh. I didn't know he had his own breakout movie. With my young nephew the other day and only realised Tigger, can I be me? Only realised halfway through, Kanga and Roo

the kangaroos, together, make the... Daisy's just saying that. That is so stupid. They make the word kangaroo. What a fool I've been. Have a great weekend, Luke from Siren Tester. He should be ashamed of himself.

Can we take a quick room poll? Who... Let's put the hands up. Yes. Let's put the hands up, because that put the hands up because that's great for radio who was familiar with this and i'll report back who understood this beforehand for whom is this not an idiotic eureka moment although as frank points out that's the beauty of the idiotic eureka moment there's always one person who says oh my goodness yeah i did know this gareth yes of

course let me yeah of course. Let me. Of course. Daisy, the producer, didn't know it. What, you didn't know Kangaroo? Let's not. What, until this very moment? Okay, excuse me. Oh, my gosh. Let's not shame these people. Shame.

They shouldn't have to walk through the streets of Game of Thrones. But, yeah, I mean, I thought personally that was obvious. Yeah. You know, it's okay. I mean, I thought personally that was obvious, but, you know, I mean, if there's kangaroos called Kanga and Roo, I would, yeah. But we're all God's children. And look, what do I know? I'm a grandmother. We are a grandmother. Shall I put that on my Twitter bio? Grandmother. OK, that's made the room silent. We've got to go soon. Anything else before we go?

There's another idiotic eureka moment. Someone realised on their holiday in Greece, alphabet is an amalgamation of the first two letters of the Greek alphabet. Alpha and bet. OK, that's good. They put hashtag jumped out of the pool like Archimedes. Who is it? William Rees-Mogg. It's great references. Listen, we're going to have to go.

It's been sad not to have Frank, but it's been fabulous to have Alan and Gareth. And you, of course. I hope you enjoyed the show. Be seeing you.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am

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