The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Snap

Episode Date: January 6, 2018

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It's the first show of 2018 and the team catch up after the Christmas break. They talk gift deficit problems, part works and the joy of new socks. The team also discuss Fire and Fury, the new tell all book about Donald Trump.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Why don't you do that? Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Cheaper. Let's face it. Okay, um, welcome. Morning. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. I still say that, I don't care. I know it's a cliché, but you know. You say it till March, don't you? That's your thing. I say it, oh, today of course is the day where you have to take your Christmas decorations down or really bad stuff happens to you.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. This is sort of curse deadline. One year, I didn't know, I found behind the picture on one of the shelves in our living room a sort of sparkly reindeer that I'd accidentally left up post... I don't want to know, post what? 6th of January.

Oh, OK. It's been some high jinx. Yeah, I think that was the year I split my tooth on a... Do you remember I had a pitted olive that wasn't pitted? An un-pitted olive? What a year. I mean, what do they have on the jar? Pitted olives in brackets, some un-pitted.

So you know what you're dealing with. Element of a Russian roulette. But if you hadn't left that Christmas decoration behind the frame, it probably wouldn't have happened, yeah? No. No way. What a world. So I had to... I was a bit of a public health pawn in your start of the show.

I had to get a priest around to destroy it. We've all done it, dear. Yeah. I'm surprised you used that method. We have all done it. My neighbour had her house exorcised. Extraordinary. Did she?

No, this was some time ago just after you moved in that's around that time oh some things you know oh all that stuff yeah i don't like a tree in the street though frank at this time of year no oh see we have near us there's there's a christmas tree graveyard that you carry the christmas trees to and you know people from the council come and take them away. Oh do they? En masse. They have like a collection point. I look forward to that. That's a good idea. We carry, you know, because we carry

the tree, the dead tree, we carry it through the streets like some fabulous saints feast in the Mediterranean country and there's other people carrying theirs. And I notice people tend to carry them pointy bit first, as if you were flying over our area in a helicopter.

It'd look like the opening titles to Dad's Armour. There's all these arrows all moving in the same direction. I don't think we sort of do our sticking our tongue out to the Nazis thing. No. No, we don't do that. We don't have that kind of synchronisation. But it's always a big moment. Yeah. I was scanning the newspapers

this morning. We usually, just to give you a little insight to what our life is like behind the scenes. Don't tell them. On this radio show. It's a bit of mystery. We arrive here about, what, seven and we look at the papers and say, here's a good bit.

Yeah. Yeah. What about talking about this? And we never do. They're shortly after the security guard says to me, I ain't ever seen you before. No.

No. Which is a high point. You know he's just got his sight back. Did you know that? Did you not notice? Amazing what they can do now, innit? Yeah. Did you not notice he was moving about a bit more?

A bit more confidence? I'm pleased for him, but, you know, welcome to 2018. He hasn't said any of it. When I saw him last week, I was still a bit blurry. Right. But there was still a sense of elation about him. I think now already it's become a commonplace. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, so we read the papers. Yeah, and Frank suggests we discuss stories that are not appropriate for a breakfast show radio. And we say no. And then we're talking out of it. Oh, phew. I saw a thing.

We say no, we can't do that. Don't do it. There's a big advert in one of, what would it be, in the Mirror or something? Yeah. Saying, uh, Sunday people for only a pound. Yeah. And I thought, how much is it, the Sondi people?

It's more than a pound! For the Sondi people! Is it still going? The people are paying more than a pound for it. You can read it. I mean, no disrespect to it as a fabulous, you know, piece of entertainment. But you can read it in a minute and no disrespect to it as a fabulous piece of entertainment. But you can read it in a minute and a half.

And people are paying more. It's a bargain for it to be a pen. I'm shocked it's still good. You know when you check into a posh hotel and they say, would you like any newspapers tomorrow? I'm going to say Sunday People. No, you won't. On a Thursday.

If you do that, I'm going to say Daily Express. I've always said the only time I ever... I don't even sit in paper shops. I only ever sit in the Daily Express on the seat of an aeroplane as I'm getting off. It's the only time I ever, ever see it. It's a weird marketing strategy. And often it's already...

It's like folding on the second or third page. People have got that far. I thought, what is this? Yeah. I might as well crash it. And what's on that page? Princess page. People have got that far. I thought, what is this? Yeah. I might as well crash out. I'm not on that page, Princess Diana. I might as well get a pound out and buy a Sunday People. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That was... Oh, come on. That was I Predict a Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs. I think, as for New Year's, they should have done a version called I Predict a Diet.

Oh, yeah. That'd be a good thing. If you had a friend tell you they got dumped in a real heartbreak in a phone call, you'd go, oh, really? I Predict a diet. Try it. Try it at home. What about if we had

a feature on this programme where Russell Grant came in. One of my faves. And we played and we just went I predict and then he said some of the things he predicted. I just kept cranking up the volume and we let the song play.

You know, they used to do it with high-o silver lining. Yes. And it's... And then they'd turn it down and the crowd go, what do you think

of silver lining? You could get Russell Grant in. Would he soon run out of words that rhyme with rioting? They don't have to rhyme. We'll let him go free for it. He could do diet, yeah.

I think he works mainly in blank verse. Fiat. I predict a fiat. A Hyatt, if you were going to stay at a Hyatt. And then he'd go, I predict, and we'd turn it down. He'd go, I think there'll be a fire at the royal wedding. And then we'd go on to the next thing

and just see how many things he can come up with. As long as he didn't go too bleak. No. He's got that in his locker. Yeah, we don't want him predicting any massive disasters. Hey, come on. When the music comes back up, I was saying, don't do the disaster stuff.

Look, it just comes to me and then I do it. I know. And then there'll be a huge argument and it just comes to me and then I do it. I know. And then there'll be a huge argument and he'll flounce out in a sateen shirt. Yeah, and then finally he hasn't got his dib but he'll get the door open. And there'll be me doing the next thing as if everything's okay.

Meanwhile, Russell Grant at the door, rattling the door like this. Somebody do it! Let's not do it. Let's not do it. Don't book him. Cancel him. Besides, next week could be too late. The New Year's moved on. It Let's not do it. Don't book him. Cancel him. Besides, next week will be too late.

The New Year's moved on. It's fraught with issues. Too late. But you should do that. If you're listening, Russell, get your own radio show. Yeah. And do that.

So, I'll tell you what was on the cover of one of the papers this morning. It's the Times. I'll be straight with you. Oh, I like the people. And don't get it on a Saturday. You barely get it. I know people.

I don't get it on a Sunday. Yeah. Not at those prices. But I don't know what it is. What is it actually? It's over a pound, obviously. It's not texting. How much is the Sunday people if it's not texting?

If it's normally under a pound, but this week it's over a pound. Just because sometimes you just want to go mad. There's more news in the people. RRP, yeah, 85p. Anyway, on the cover of the Times, the London Times, was a picture of what she called Kristen or Kirsten, I've never worked it out. Scott Thomas.

Oh, yeah. Kristen. Kristen. Kristen Scott Thomas? You see, it's one of those. Oh, I don't know now, Frank. Kristen, Kirsten. Kristen Scott Thomas.

Kristen Scott Thomas I'm going to go with. Kristen. Yeah. Let's go with that. Okay. That woman from films. Four Weddings and

Yeah. Et cetera. Yeah. Very beautiful. And, yeah. But, you know, that's how they are, aren't they? Who? Actors. Oh. Yeah. I think Emily

for a moment thought you meant women. Some women are. I don't know what you meant. Come on, be fair. Some of them are. Some of them are. I'm very pro some of the women. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, she's playing Clementine Churchill in the new film about Churchill.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Clementine. Is this the Gary Oldman one? Yeah. Very small orange breasts, Clementine Churchill. I just thought they named Clementines after her. orange breasts like clementine churchill i does for their name clementine sceptre okay if i've got the name right they do call them clementine laughing that's a good sign yeah yeah clementine they call them used to be tangerines yeah now they're satsumas yeah, yeah. Now they're satsumas. Yeah. And sometimes

easy peelers, which I think Clementine Churchill was also called in her youth. That's when she was in the Victorian Police Force.

Oh, yeah. Anyway, it's had a picture of her, and I was saying today, see our producer, who's university

educated. I was saying to her that... She never mentioned that. Yeah, she drops it down again. Just drops it in, especially like if she's bringing in tea or something. Yeah. She'll start talking about her degree.

Like, I'm supposed to feel bad about it. I don't deal the cards. Anyway, the things that the papers love more than anything is a picture of someone pretending to be a real person. Oh, yeah. They love... Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, they could have put a picture of Clementine Churchill on the cover. That would have been more accurate. Well, it depends. Yeah, well, not obviously. Well, you've been saying this more. Not with the satsumas on show. But what's the fascination with that? Oh, I see.

Well, in character you mean they like it. Why is that? Because Gary Oldman is playing Winston Churchill. Yeah, yeah. And what's the fact about Gary Oldman that people think they don't know but everybody knows? Alan, are you aware of the fact? He's colourblind.

No, you know what it is. His sister was in EastEnders. She was Big Mo. Big Mo, yeah. Big Mo was it. Surely Big Mo was the obvious casting for Churchill. Yeah. Could have saved, the hours saved in the make-up.

Four hours at a time to put the costume on. She'd just walk in, give her a cigar, she's off. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I think we got through all that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what I did a thing.

This is a... I was saying to my partner can you believe it they got snow like it really deep snow in america i mean look at the pictures of you know big drifting snow i said but I've been listening to the test cricket. It's 41 degrees in Australia. As if that has just occurred to me. Can you believe it? At one and the same time, there are places in the world that are cold and places in the world that are hot.

How did that happen? Yeah. Mind-blowing. Also, I like the sighting of Australia as well, which is the most route-worn place, but hot there, isn't it? Well, over the last, over the dark winter months, when I wake up in the morning,

my index finger goes over my head. The radio is just above my head. Oh, is it? So I put it on and then suddenly test cricket in the dark in the cold dark and it's all pretty, it's a real roaster mate and all that sort of stuff. Is it on a shelf or dangling from a wire? It's on... I mean when

you say above your head it sounds somewhat perilous. I tell you what, I've got one of those lamps that they had in the Italian job. Do you know those lamps? They're a big lump of marble at one end. But they're out of shape. And then they have a curvature, a rainbow-esque curvature,

and then a lamp dangling at the other end. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, I do know exactly what you mean. I've got one of those. I've seen the self-same lamp. It's on the marble plinth, the little radio. I get it. It's a free radio,inth, the little radio. I get it. It's a free radio, which I got when we won one of our many awards.

It was a freebie. Yeah. As you can imagine now, I've got radios all over the house. But no, I like that. I'll tell you what, whenever you do television, certainly, well, well, either channel, they don't like you wearing brands on your clothing. Right. You must have all seen people interviewed on the telly and they've got like a gaffer tape over their baseball caps and stuff like that.

I've seen that. Yes. Why is it that Nor's face is on the news every day? Yes, you're right. When is that going to be stamped out? We'll find out that Reginald Bozenkett or somebody, one of the news people, has got some sort of share. Is he a real person?

He's been dead 20 years. Yeah, crew members wear them, so it's a sort of honour amongst thieves. We'll find out that there's somebody involved in the news. Trevor McDonald's got loads of shares in North Face. I'm just saying, you heard it here first. What am I talking about? I'm not talking about anything really. Well, I don't know how your Christmas was. We haven't really discussed it.

As you may know... Good team leader? The universally educated producer. It's good, that. the universally educated producer... It's good, that. Not universally educated, university. What's your degree? Oh, BTEC Leisure. OK.

She puts a little fez on my desk when it's time to shut up and the fez is at my fingertips so it is time to shut up. Have we ever put out a picture of the fest? No. People know what way, so surely. Yeah, what we really needed to have happened is, if Tommy Cooper had gone, I don't know, on some sort of Amazonian jungle trip

and been captured by a tribe who'd shrunk his head, and we could have got hold of that shrunk in there. I suppose it'd be in Ripley's, believe it or not. But if we'd got it, it would look great with this fez on it. We could put it on something, a potato or something. Should we put a piece of it? Just to show scale. Perhaps next to a 50 pence.

To show scale. I did that once in a... And a copy of today's newspaper. Yeah. A woman asked me to do that in a hotel room once. Oh. She did. I said, not asked me to do that in a hotel room once. Oh. Sure she did. I said not that close

to the Queen's face. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I, um...

Your Christmas. Yes. Have we discussed the Fez enough or are we moving on? Do we put the Fez up on the socials? Forget the Fez. I, um... Your Christmas? Yes. Have we discussed the Fez enough, or are we moving on? Do we put the Fez up on the socials? It is. I don't know why. It's a small Fez. You can picture that.

Yeah. But can you picture it next to Frank Skinner or 50 Pence? There are many different types of Fez, of course. It's one of those with the black fringe. No. Which is something I heard sell on Naked Attraction the other night. Oh, my. What?

The end of civilisation. They were selling out all about that. So, I tell you what I had. I had a nice Christmas. Lovely. You know that thing that people have? People talk about it. Did you have a nice Christmas?

Nice Christmas? Lovely, you know. They don't say, did you? They say, nice Christmas. Oh, do they? Yeah. Or people used to say, Christmas? Nice Christmas? Lovely, you know. They don't say, did you? They say, nice Christmas. Oh, do they? Yeah. Or people used to say, how was your Christmas? You know, quiet.

Right. Used to say that. But mine was, you know, it's a lovely family. Oh, good. I held my loved ones tight, but that's my business. It was very, very nice. And I'll tell you what i did i um i had that thing that i have every year i see a part work um advertised and i think oh this could be the part work for me

yeah in case you don't know what a part work is um guys it's um It's those magazines that you buy. Sometimes they're like, why is Roy Orbison on the news this morning? Has he died again? Anyway. I think it's a digital re-release of some songs and it's doing well. Okay.

I love Roy Orbison. Okay. It is distracting. Anyway, what was I talking about? You were talking about your part work. Yes. So a part work is like a magazine that you buy and it builds into a big nine-volume something or other.

Yes. And they always start, like, 2.99. You think, well, that's pretty good. We'll get that next week. You used to get them in newspapers. Do you still get that? In newspapers? Yeah, you would order them via them or you'd get them... What are you talking about with this? The Sunday You used to get them in newspapers, do you still get that? In newspapers? Yeah, you would order them,

buy them, or you'd get them... What are you talking about with this? The Sunday Times used to do it a lot. Didn't the Sunday People do it? I think we talked about part works. It wouldn't have been this time last year, would it?

Oh my God. I'll tell you what we talked about. I'd bought the story of Pop, which was a part work I had as a young man. I bought it on eBay. But buying it like that in a lump is like getting a box set rather than watching the TV.

But it's all about the steady compilation. The collecting. So I bought the first part of the Batman legend. Oh. Because I like a bit of Batman. Yeah. And you are a legend. I am a sole legend.

How many parts is it? Well, they never tell you that And I'll tell you what I think they do I think if it's selling well They just keep it going forever Right Because once you've started Because often they form a picture

How long is his legend? Wow it'll never end That's a question for Google How long is Batman's legend yeah it all sounds a bit put it on private browsing sounds a lot

doesn't it don't open that at work but I looked I looked up what else is available at the moment in the in the form of part works

now bear in mind people buy these when they after the first couple of weeks they're like a tenner and one of them was build the Bismarck.

So every week you get a different bit and you build the famous German warship. People have paid... I mean, I'd be up for that. People have paid more than a pound for the Sunday people and... Build the Bismarck!

Bear in mind, every week it comes to the magazine about that part. Frank, Build the Bismarck bear in mind every week it comes to the magazine about that part Frank Bill the Bismarck sounds like a terrible euphorism I'm sorry

if it's the week of say the rodder the magazine must just be about the Bismarck's rodder

I mean how do they do that and then there was one called bosses of the world what do you collect the bosses I thought I bet with Bosses of the World. Right.

What, do you collect the bosses? I thought, I bet this is one of the few artworks where you don't get one for ages and then you get one at the same time. Oh, man, it really made me laugh. What about this one, the Star Wars Helmet Collection? Oh, that's good. I don't like that. What's that? It's that full-size helmets you get

every week with a company in magazine? At the end of it, you need a load of sort of hat pegs with all these helmets. Like shelf space. You need an additional house. Display. Yeah, I don't like the sound of the Star Wars helmets. DC watches.

DC watches? So they're watches and they've got like DC characters on them. Oh, okay. But it means everywhere you get in a watch. How many watches do you need? So you've been doing it for a year, you've got 50 watches at home. Yeah, and you're always... Each one with a magazine

telling you about that watch. You're always spending time out of your home because you're plagued by ticking. 52 watches on the shelf. I don't know if their battery's included. That doesn't make sense. I've got a Superman watch that I wear.

I love DC but I don't know. It could go on for three years. It could go on for 150 years. It's over the top. Come on, guys. When you say guys, are you addressing the top. Come on, guys. Got another one. It's another one. When you say guys, are you addressing the makers of part works?

Quite a specialist interest. I'd love, though, anyone listening, first of all, can you email us an email that says test? Because I don't think we've had an email this morning. And either you've gone off us or the email isn't working. But I would love to text in what part works you've experienced over the years. I would love to know that. There's another one, Zippo Collection.

Is that lighters? Every week you get a lighter, but you also get a company in magazine telling you about it. What are you going to read about? About a lighter? Yeah. Come on.

Well, also, what's week two? Is it still another lighter? How many articles in the magazine? Paraffin special. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 740 has texted, yes, I've seen the Fez on social media before. Oh, have they? OK. I often... You know, I'm... Yeah. I'm 60 now. Yeah.

And one has to accept that repetition is a feature of the twilight years. Well, someone else got on touch, got in touch to say... A bit touch base. I spent all of 2017 imagining this was a regular-sized Fez. My reality shattered. That's from at Agent in the East. That's like in the days when we didn't know what radio presenters looked like at all.

Then you'd see a picture of, like, Johnny Walker or something and think, what the...? Yes, different, isn't it? Perhaps we should have spent 2017, as I like to call it, calling it a mini-fez so that people got an indication that it was not a head-sized...

Too late now. It is too late. We could fix it in post. What's the point of looking back? We could go back and fix all the podcasts. I mean, if Ifs and Ands was Pots and Pans, there'd be no need for... I don't know if this is still politically correct. I mean, if Ifs and Ands was Pots and Pans... True. ..there'd be no need for... I don't know if this is still politically correct.

I'm going to stop it there. Stopping it there. 270 has texted, Hi, Frank, it's Harvey. Long-time reader, first-time texter. Not the giant rabbit. Don't know. Don't know.

I don't know. I distinctly remember my mate... Harvey. What? Harvey. Do you see that rabbit? Very good. Thanks. I distinctly remember my mate... Do you see that wrap? Very good. Thanks.

I distinctly remember my mate was subscribed to a magazine which gave an insect, brackets, dead, close brackets, encased in plastic every week. Wow. His room ended up looking like the Silence of the Lambs by the end. Why would you want a preserved insect every week? And then he goes on to praise the show. Was it called Bogs with a Z or something?

Rings of Bell. I don't know, but I love that you're somehow familiar with it. What about Murder Casebook? That was a popular one. Murder Casebook? Murder Casebook was a different 20th century murder every week. Oh, I think there's podcasts that are following a similar path. I don't know what the free gifts were.

Frank, what about 376? My wife got clawed in by a cake decorating series, started at £1.99, then £9.99 every two weeks. We now have a whole floor-to-ceiling storage cupboard in the kitchen full of folders, decorative icing tools and gadgets. I want to move out. That's Matt in Tiptree. Wow.

I wish you'd said that in the form of a note but written in icing. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you please. New year, new leaf for one of our favourite characters, who we haven't discussed this morning. New leaf? As in the turning up?

Turning over a new one. Okay. Trump or Stiltskin? Has he turned over a new leaf? Well, he hasn't, that's the problem. Oh. There's the problem. Oh. There's been, they call it a tell-all book in America. They like that phrase, a tell-all book.

Do you think he makes resolutions, Donald Trump? I'm not sure he has. Well, I mean, from what we can gather, I'm not sure he has the attention span for a 12-month focus. Or do any of us, do you? This is this book, is it called? Fire and the Fury. It's called Fire and Fury, which I, I mean, immediately.

Fire and the Jackal Bell. Two of the nicest house actions I ever had. Fire and Fury. Yeah, lovely, lovely. Doesn't sound very presidential, though. Fire and Fury sounds to me like it should be a chef's autobiography. Like Gordon Ramsay, like some barbecue chef. It could be Alan Sugar's, couldn't it?

Oh, my God, that's great. You're fired. Yeah. Although he's a bit more benign, isn't he? Isn't he quite friendly, really? Does he just do you're fired? He's quite grumpy. I had a lovely lunch with him once.

Strange bromance. And he began an anecdote. He began an anecdote. I remember when I signed Jürgen Klinsmann on my yacht in Monaco. Brilliant. We're off! Very good. So, yes, there's a book out.

You must have heard about it. Yes. And this man got quite good access, I think. Which is, yeah. But essentially... Can you just clear something up for me? It was written by a bloke called Wolf. Michael Wolf, yes.

Somebody described on Newsnight as a wolf in wolf's clothing. Oh, that's very good. Prowling around the White House. Has he got his own clothing line? I think so. That'd be good, wouldn't it, if you were called Wolf, to have a clothing line. I don't mean a clothing line as in with pegs.

No. You mean a range. A range. That you called Wolf's Clothing. Yeah. That's a great idea. I would hire Wolf from Gladiator to be my brand ambassador. That's a good idea.

Good to go. Is he still with us? What about when me and David Baddiel went to see Ed Wood? You know Ed Wood, the Johnny Depp film? And they reserved three rows at the front that was just for celebrities at the front of the circle. And the

only people sitting in it by the time the film began was me, David Baddiel and Wolf. So embarrassing. We didn't even sit together. Wolf sat probably four or five seats away. Oh, Wolf. For your own safety, I should think.

Well, he's a bloke and he's a bit mad. Well, I suspect Wolf looked a bit Daniel Craig in evening wear as well. You know, he's a bit too bulked up for the suit. Yeah, I don't think he wore a tie, though. No. I've got a feeling he wore a... Maybe jeans and a jacket. An Indian-style brocade near a jacket you wore a... Maybe jeans and a jacket. An Indian style

brocade and earring jacket I think you wore. A frocko. I think you might have worn a turban with a jewel and some plumage. Good for him. Yeah.

Meanwhile, over in the White House. Yeah. So it turns out that Trumple Stiltskin, these are the things that have been, well my favourite things

that have been revealed about him. He likes a cheeseburger at 6.30pm when he goes to bed. He stays in bed eating cheeseburgers. That's made me think that if we'd known more about potential in the 70s, Elvis could have been president. Elvis being president would have had all the madness of Trump, but with none of the unkindness, I think. Why does he go to bed at 6.30?

Why not? I sort of respect him for that. I mean, he doesn't really sleep in there. He goes in there, eats cheeseburgers, sleeps for a couple of hours a night, and mostly spends his time watching telly and tweeting, doesn't he? He has three news channels on, and he screams at housekeeping staff who pick up his shirts from the floor.

Apparently he was heard saying, if my shirt is on the floor, it's because I want it on the floor. Yeah, that doesn't make him sound great. No. I think he sounds a little petulant there. No, but that is maybe saying I'm the kind of a guy who likes to clean up after myself. Yeah. Well, exactly.

He strips his own bed. Oh, God. He's learnt from Bill Clinton, at least. It's like transporting. Apparently, he eats McDonald's at his thing because he's worried about being poisoned. It's not because of that. It's because he's greedy.

Not many people eat McDonald's because they're worried about being poisoned. It's not because of that. It's because he's greedy. Not many people eat McDonald's because they're worried about being poisoned. But yeah, so he says when you go, they don't know you're going to go there so it's all pre-cooked

so they can't suddenly So they won't know it's him. slip something, a dodgy dill pickle. He's a greedy Gruffalo. That's why he goes to Maccadies. But he's not obese, is he?

No, he's alright. He's a big unit. He's a big unit. He's why he goes to Maccadies. But he's not obese, is he? No, he's all right. He's a big unit. He's a big unit. He's slightly growing through his own hair. Which, it turns out, we've also discovered from this book, why his hair is the way it is. Because he uses Just For Men, and he's too impatient. I can't even get through this.

He's too impatient to wait for it to take effect, which is why it looks a weird colour that it does. So what does that mean? What do you have to wait for? You have to wait for it to take effect, the colour. So when you dye your hair, you keep it on, let's say, for 40 minutes or whatever it says. And obviously after 10, he gets bored and wanders around.

It's like when my dad was home brewing. He was like that. It never, ever went the duration. I'm amazed that in 2017, or let's call it 2018, there is a product called Just For Me. Oh, yeah. That'll be over this year.

Yeah, that can't be allowed to continue. It's going to go the way of the mistletoe, Frank. Yeah, what's that called now? Mr. Alto I've just got it in these different times Miz Alto the new mistletoe I saw none this year

no me neither it's a court case waiting to happen forget it mistletoe it's all over yeah so that needs to be changed what just for men? just for men It's all over. Yeah, so... That needs to be changed. Yeah.

What, just for men? Just for men. Yeah. Because presumably there's no reason why women can't use it, is there? Well, maybe because they like to look nice. Yeah, but it doesn't bother... Oh, well. Okay. And further questions.

I'm slightly fancy. But the bloke... I don't understand. I thought this was a man who used to be... His advisor had written the book. That's Steve Bannon, who is quoted in the book a lot. Oh, OK. This man was given access for some...

He was roaming the corridors of the White House for some time. He was given access for some... He was roaming the corridors of the White House for some time. He was given access. OK. Apparently. And Steve Bannon has cooperated, but hasn't, in inverted commas. OK. Donald Trump tactfully said that when Steve Bannon lost his job in the White House, he also lost his mind.

Which, I mean, if he genuinely thinks that, that is not the bedside manner for somebody with a mental health problem is it wow and they used to get on so well whatever happened to hashtag losing one's mind people don't say it anymore do you think

they got on like a cross on fire yeah I think so the Frank Skinner show listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. 525. Frank, I am a woman who used to use Just For Men to dye my hair, and it worked perfectly for me,

apart from that I couldn't do the test on my chest hair, as per the instructions. Stick around. That's from Sue. That's from Sue. That's from Sue. Yeah, we'll talk. I've got some tips. Sue isn't held in by title.

I don't see why women shouldn't use it, but I'm just surprised if you're allowed to call it that. There's probably things called just for women, aren't there? I should think so. I don't know. But what I do know is it looks horrendous. Well, the Trump's hair. On Trump's old skin.

It's all right. Well. Is it even his? Who knows? Well. Who knows? But some of the stuff that's coming out from this book is exciting. It's hard to do an expose on Donald Trump.

Yeah. Because it's not like, usually it's someone, like if you get someone like Bill Clinton, they are one thing and then it turns out they're something else. But it's like the curtains are always open on Donald Trump.

I'm not reading it and thinking oh wow, so he's a bit tetchy around the White House. Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing, really? Not thinking that. Although I did like this detail, that apparently he hated his inauguration. Yes.

The concept of him hating it. I hated that. I hated that. We all have gigs like that. Yeah. He had a bad gig. That was the one, if you remember, when he did a sort of scripted speech.

That's why he hated it. One of his free-form things. Yeah. It wasn't his best work by a mile. Yeah, but surely he has to take some responsibility for it. I mean, he was the president. He had some say in the day. And as he said, there was some bad bookings.

Right, he couldn't get any of the stars, even though they'd been to Obama's. That's why he hated it. All the big stars are on the left, aren't they? Yeah, he does seem a man driven somewhat by rivalry. Do you think? Just a tad. So I think that was difficult. It said on the 91 that this bloke went in after they'd announced it,

and he was a white face like he'd seen a ghost. And his partner... Melania. ...was in tears. Yeah, it says she was devastated he won. I seem to remember, though, it was like that in our house when I heard he'd won. Also, the one thing that makes me dispute that version of events

is the idea of him being white-faced, even for a moment. That's never happened. That's how shocked he was. But it even transcended the fake tan and everything. Yeah. I mean... That's a worry, isn't it, people? With a fake tan generation.

Yeah. Somebody could die on Strictly Come Dancing and no-one would know. You know those bits where Claudia interviews the dancers, just come off and you can see the ones in the background? One of them could actually be a corpse, isn't there? So much fake tan that no-one would even... Anyway.

But, yeah, apparently Melania was devastated he won. And I think... I mean, I'm no body language expert, but I think she just might be a point in their marriage where anything that might remotely make him happy, she hates. Do you really think they're like that? I think so, yeah. It's sad to think it's like that. I think my marriage is all right, you know, never be sure.

That's another trailer sorted for the show. But even then... As they say, you're always out there. I still think there's a healthy amount of glee in my wife like when I say

I'll see you later and give her a kiss and she knows that she's wearing a lip balm that I hate the taste of and there's just a little bit of

nah like so if I was Donald Trump you've cleaned that you've cleaned that out of the top of me if I was as horrible as Donald Trump,

if I was as horrible as Donald Trump, would be a very good essay competition for young children. Yeah, on my desk a week on Monday. Yeah. At 12.15. Yeah, well, I think there is that. I definitely think there's that. The most I've ever seen Kath, who is my partner,

in case you're listening to this show as part of your New Year's resolution. Oh, yeah. The most I've ever seen her laugh was we were sitting in St Mark's Square in Venice and I had a big lump on my head from when I'd been bitten by a mosquito. And then she spoke to me, another mosquito landing on that lump. And not bitten but whatever they do, injected me again and it just got a bit bigger

and she was literally lying flat out and to Mark's question, she was laughing that much and that is true I can't see, I don't know, Melania feels like a very sort of cool customer I can see, I can imagine neither laughing nor crying No, Melania feels like a very sort of cool customer. I can imagine her neither laughing nor crying.

Well, actually, they've disputed that she was unhappy on the night. A spokesman has said... Oh, thank goodness. A spokesperson has said she was, quote, very happy, unquote. But he told her... Sorted. But they did add that gritted teeth emoji. Is there a gritted teeth emoji?

Yes, there is one. One of my favourites. Yeah, mine too. It gets a lot of usage on wine. Is there an expression not covered by emojis? Oh, there it is. It's on someone's phone. It's an emoji.

Emoji comes through. Some information about that. Oh, hold on. It's Siri. My Siri. I've got some information about that. Oh, hold on. It's my Siri. My Siri. It's got Siri on. One of the problems with leaving the phone on is that you can't be rhetorical.

It's giving me some information about American pronunciation. Oh, that's handy during a live radio show. Yeah. Where did that come from? It's on silent as well. Oh, Siri. Well, we did that come from? It's on silent as well. Oh, Siri, will we have to pay now? Siri?

I don't think so. In part of the show? I don't think, hang on, does Siri get a performance fee? There are four of us in this relationship. Well,

it's the serious thing that's ever happened. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're still discussing fire and fury. You are. Can I just say your very catchable habit of saying you are

almost got me in trouble at the Christmas break. Oh, did it? When, with a conversation with my mother-in-law and wife, one of them described the turkey as a big old bird. And I had to bite a hole in my own hand. So thanks for that, Frank. You can always text me if you feel the need to say that, because I won't be offended at all.

I hope they didn't spoil your lunch. No, it's fine. Wow. Wow. Okay. Apparently, I could also go on to this book. There's a lot of stuff about him meeting with the Russians and what his family meeting with her. I just had to go on about this,

but there was a time when the way you sort of defined a right wing person in America was that they went on and on about how much they hated the Russians. This is progress isn't it? There aren't that many foreigners he'll actually speak to. You say progress, some say treason. Well treason.

Potato, potato isn't it? He likes a bit of treason. It's good that he's talking to some people from overseas at least lovely people I think that should be encouraged as you know I'm

very fascinated by Russia in all its aspects and I think it's fine to be intellectually fascinated but not if you're his father-in-law Dostoevsky And I think it's fine to be intellectually fascinated, but not if you're... Maybe that's what he is. His father-in-law is... Maybe he's Drostoyevsky.

You think? I love Frank's idea of what Russia's like. And also Donald Trump is like... Drostoyevsky. A man who's apparently never read a book or displayed any interest in any... That's the other thing. He's never read a book.

Yeah, he doesn't... Well, they described him, they said he's never read a book and they described him as a book. Yeah, he doesn't... Well, they described him, they said he's never read a book and they described him as semi-literate. I suspect they were called semi. He's written a book, though. So see my... See my literate.

Yeah, see my literate. Somebody else wrote it for him. This is the art of the deal, yeah? Oh, it's... So when they said he'd seen a ghost. Yeah, he had seen a ghost. He'd seen a ghostwriter. Yes, exactly. Exactamundo. when they said he'd seen a ghost he'd seen a ghost writer yes exactly

and it said, did you read this? this was the sauciest bit in there no because I've never read a book and I've seen my literate he likes pursuing the wives of friends yes and will sometimes do like a conference call

and speak to the husband in front of the wife I mean awful but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be And will sometimes do like a conference call and speak to the husband in front of the wife. I mean, awful. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good leader. Remember the poster? John Terry, Captain Leader Legend. Just saying, there's a precedent as well as a president. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of the things was that they think Ivanka might become the next president or something Oh, I love this news For anybody who is enjoying the constant political soap opera that is the Donald Trump Knowing that there's going to be a season eight, the Ivanka years, is so exciting. It's like a spin-off series. It's like the Sarah Jane adventure. Oh, man, isn't it good news? I genuinely felt a little bit happier on reading that bit.

And I like that it's aimed at the slightly younger, the millennials, it's aimed at the slightly younger generation. Yeah, so it'll have, like, Snapchat and... No, it'll just be a different story arc. Yeah, great image, though, her as a president, don't you think? Brilliant. Yeah.

What a stamp. That'll be. I'm surprised he hasn't come up with the idea of a new Mount Rushmore. Oh, yeah. With him on it. That'd be good. Because they abandoned that idea quite early, didn't they, Mount Rushmore?

Yeah. Did they run out of space or is there more mounts? Was Lincoln the last one? Yeah, what happened? Did they just think, oh, I can't be bothered, too much on? If only they'd stopped with all the mountains in America and got presidents' faces on. If anyone has answers to this,

can you try and text or tweet us rather than email, because we might not see it. What, have we got email? We've got continuing email problems. We've got continuing email issues. In 2018, we can't get an email through. I know, right? It's a time of Snapchat and...

Yeah. Buffins are on the case. Yeah, Flapjack. I'm on Flapjack at the moment a lot of kids don't go on it because it's got knots yeah are you on snapchat frank i just wanted to ask you that i'm on i'm on snapchat but it's it's actually uh it's it's like one of these um chat rooms where you talk about snap tactics. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's for really... I play a lot of competitive snap.

Right. I once won $80,000 at a game in Florida. Oh, I bet your hand hurt the following week, though, all that snapping. The coincidence was I was playing with someone who also won $80,000. Really? Snap. You got it all? Yeah $80,000. Really? Snap. You got it all? Yeah.

Wow, you're good. Weird. Is there a higher level of snap? Oh, I should imagine. What, like a sort of poker type thing? Yeah. Where people... It'd be hilarious if people took it really seriously with whiskey and cigarettes.

Like when the dogs play pool in that painting. You know those like shaded things that they wear, like a sunshade, but they wear them indoors? They're visors. Visors. You mark my words, we're going to have somebody that listens to the show text in and say, look, I take Snap very seriously.

I play at county level. We're going to have it. Do you think so? I'm sure of it. And then someone else who also plays it can say Snap. Hey, if it works once, use it again, Frank. I'd like it if they did normal game.

Snap. Wow, the internal Snap references have gone through the ceiling. I'd like it, though, Frank, if in one of those smoke-filled poker rooms they played, like, a guess who? Or, like, a Ludo or something. Why does it always have to be poker?

I don't like that. I think the dogs are playing pool. Obviously, the chances of dogs putting together a poker game is too difficult. It's too far-fetched. It's a bit of Cluedo, Hungry Hippo. A hand of cards is not a paw of cards, is it? You can imagine them gripping a pool cue, but not seven.

Can you imagine them gripping a pool cue? I can, yeah, because I've seen the picture. Haven't you seen the picture? My Ray would struggle. I have a problem. I have a problem that one of the dogs just clearly hasn't got any toes. And he's leaning over playing a long shot. And I think, oh, God, I wouldn't want to lean on that table after him.

Well, you say that. You're a fan of Paddington. He doesn't wear any undercrackers. Well, he wears a coat in the film. He wears a coat. Love the film. I went to see Paddington 2. It's meant to be excellent have you

seen it i have seen it yeah i've seen the first one well the thing is i hadn't seen the first one so i thought oh we can't really see the second one i think it's better than the first this is what people say well i um what was it like good team leader it was um good what Good team leader. Oh, OK. That's Alan Sugar question. Oh, is it? And The Apprentice. I thought John Tappery had come in. I liked it, but it nagged at me I hadn't seen the first one. I went into a second-hand bookshop

and I bought an autobiography of Samuel Taylor Coleridge. And I went up to the counter and the bloke said to me, did you like the first volume? Well of course I hadn't noticed it was the second volume. And I said, I haven't actually read the first volume and he went ooh!

Like it was a real like I'd committed some terrible I don't like this bookseller. No. I thought't like this bookseller. No. I thought, stay out of it. What's it got to do with you? Did you like Paddo 2? Paddo 2?

Yes, I did. I think they should have called it Platform 2. Oh, nice. Come on, Paddington Platform. But no, people don't. No one asked. You have so many good ideas don't you it did make me think when i when i watched it that if there was a bear in central london it would be

shot dead in a minute yeah i mean there's a lot of ifs if yes if a bear wouldn't even um they wouldn't even um no i don't think put it to sleep what's those things when you put the dots tranquilize it wouldn't even tranquilise in case it killed three people before it finally went down. I think you're right. I think you're right. It would be...

It wouldn't last... It wouldn't last five minutes. Also, I've seen the bears at the zoo. They barely come out. They can't be bothered to come out. No. He's not going to get... They're not going to have the initiative

to put a coat on and a hat. He's gregarious. Yeah. Paddington. I thought it was great. It's brilliantgarious, Paddington. I thought it was great. It's brilliant. I had a weird moment where I thought Ben Whishaw is perfect as Paddington, you know, because he does the...

Is he? And then I thought... I don't really know Paddington. I don't even know what Paddington is. He's my hero. This is exactly my thought. I thought, hang on, how can he be perfect? He's playing the voice of a bear.

Like, I mean, none of them... Well, it's like I used to pride myself on my pterodactyl impression. But I don't know, I've no idea. As I've said many times, they might well go, hmm, we don't know. We don't know. But his sister, Paddington's sister, Victoria, is in it. Oh.

And his brother, Liverpool Street. I made that up. Yes, I thought you did. But it was really very, very enjoyable. He's changed the hat, though. It did used to be... Yes, the Paddington hat used to be a bit Jiminy Cricket, sort of pressed up against...

Oh, yes, Jimmy Cricket. Jimmy Cricket, sorry, I always get that wrong. Jimmy Cricket sort of pressed up against Jimmy Cricket sorry I always get that wrong Jimmy Cricket comic and now it's a bit more Malcolm McLaren sort of 80s Buffalo hat but can I

it looks like he's going to a Stone Roses gig now doesn't he can I clear up this Ben we're sure we're sure because I don't

I don't know is it an animated thing or is there someone inside it? No, I think he's the voice. He's CGI with a voiceover. So it's all CGI, the actual... It's all CGI, yeah. So they're playing to... There's like a chair there and they're talking to that.

I think so. There's a green thing, yeah. It's that kind of acting. Whoa, there goes their Oscar. No, I think I'm sure it's very difficult. Whoa, there goes their Oscar. No, I think I'm sure it's very difficult. Andy Serkis must have been absolutely furious that he wasn't in that bear thing.

I think he was probably looking at a table with seven different bear offers. Andy Serkis, Mr. See My Animated Acting Role. I bet he's changed his agent. And he changed him as Top Cat. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio. 848 has texted, Hi Frank and the gang, whatever happened to the corner shop standers, the people who'd stand and chat next to the shopkeeper all day and make passionate comments on what customers were buying? I hate those people. Like, oh, you're having a whisper, are you?

That sort of thing. I just, you know what I do with those? You still see them occasionally. They're a bit Judgey McJudge, aren't they? I don't really know those people. I do those. But you know, you're walking, it's normally in a sort of local shop

where you're just going in to buy milk or something. Yeah. And they'll say, oh, sorry, go ahead. And I'll think, no, get out of my way. Let's go ahead. I don't want you witnessing my exchange. They're from the same social grouping as the friend of the bus driver.

Yeah. Very similar. Who stands back to let you get past. They might be the same person. I think they move along. A mate of the bus driver. It's a bit self-appointed VIP status. I think it is.

Yeah, I love the idea. I mean, you know, it's great to have contacts in life, but a friend of the bus driver? Come on, you're better than that, can't you? Aim higher. Yeah, come on. Raise your bar. Could you be the friend of a cab driver just sitting in the front?

Or a tube driver, but then you'd have the door in between you. Yeah, no one would really notice that, though, because you don't go in where the driver is. Well, also, you'd just be shouting into the ether. Oh, yeah. You don't want to shout into the ether. You'd say the odd mouse. That's about it.

How do they live? They must all be deaf. What, the mice? Those mice that live on the tube. Yeah, but they're celebrities in their own right. Because people get quite excited when they see them. They go, oh my God, look, there's a mice! Oh my God, there's a mice!

Yeah. There's a mice. I thought we could let that pass. They get excited. Pige in English. It's a tourist she's playing. I find that grammar is often the first victim in when there's excitement.

Thank. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215 or follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Them's your options. Thank you very much. So right. Frank, we haven't discussed this morning. I'd like to know what you both got for Christmas because I'm a lousy so-and-so.

I had matching... Me and Boz, my five and a half year old son, we got matching woolen hats. Very, very... Oh, how cute. Brightly coloured, malty. I'll show you, actually. Oh, lovely.

I've got one in my pocket. It's good for radio. Okay. Maybe you can describe it. Oh, wow. Wow, it's lovely and bright. It's nice. It's sort of, I think it's nice wearing it with your child.

It's a bit like having a Jeremy Kyle paternity test T-shirt on. Very bright is what it is. It is very bright, but, you know, they're dark nights. They are. It's a good thing to have at both ends of the age scale. Winter is coming. It's a predominantly lime green for the radio audience. Yes.

Quite a neon-y green. Sort of a high-vis green. With an orange and a deep blue stripe. But I like it. Cat took a picture of me and him. We were just standing together wearing the same hats, very moving lovely, there's nothing like shared head gear between a father and a son

in my opinion, unless you're doing one of those brain transference things they do in sci-fi movies and then he ends up talking about the 1970s and I end up going on about Paddington 2

actually that wouldn't be that different what's just happened what did you get Al? well I got various things of okay what did you get? because we know

that's what I want to get on to no no no I want to know at least one of your various things well I'm not going to go for the

big ticket items I will tell you a thing that I I will tell you a thing that I I'll tell you a thing that I genuinely get pleasure of. Is that a thing? I've never heard of a big ticket item. Big ticket item is a big thing. Is it a bit like a cock eater? Is it a bit like the big cheque you get if you've raised money for charity

or won the pool? Well, you know there are sort of banner headlines of your Christmas where you talk about the high value stuff. Oh, so you had some biggies? I think I did alright, yeah. But I... People mock... Hat's not starting to look so great now, is it? Can I just say? Feeling a bit less pleased with your hat?

Let me finish! Yeah, but I did alright. The idea of Christmas spoken of as if it's stocks and shares. Buckle up, everyone. It's going to be a bumpy morning. Well, all I was going to do was say that a lot of people mock the idea of receiving socks for Christmas

and I want to just put out there that I love socks for Christmas and I've offered this as a life hack to many men of a similar age to me that if you tell people that you would like socks for Christmas you get a higher quality sock than you would buy yourself.

I think that's true. And I think my in-laws would get me... They got me some really cool socks. Nice, bamboo, comfy. I wouldn't have spent that. Bamboo? Bamboo socks. Bamboo socks?

A bit scratchy. I got some... Bamboo socks? What are bamboo socks? I got some happy socks, which I'm not sure the... What are bamboo socks? Not sure they're quite appropriate for me. Are you sure these are

socks? Honestly, you tell people that you want socks and you get a better quality of sock than you would buy yourself. Daisy, the producer, got me a leg warmer. I'd get like five black pairs of Donny from All Sports or something like that for a quid.

I've never known anyone with so many socks brand names at their fingertips. Wow, I can't name a sock. You can. Bjorn Borg, that's all you are.

Bed. Bed sock. Weather sock. Weather sock, yeah. Burlington. Nice. Oh, they're good. I've never seen

such enthusiasm from you. Burlington Pringle, they're good. I've never seen such enthusiasm from you. Burlington Pringle, they're nice. Burlington Sock. I love them. Yeah, you do. I'll show you the print. What about when Daisy Producer got me leg warmers for Christmas? That's nice.

Is that what you want to talk about? No. I'm sensing that you've got a bit of momentum behind it. I did the Flashdance. I recreated the Flashdance panel scene for her. It was great. Wow. That's not what I want to talk about,

but I think the Fez is loitering. The Fez has arrived. I've got something to say, though. Have you? Yeah. Well, pre-Fez or... Post-Fez. Post-Fez, okay.

We'll go into that. Oh, I've got a big Dalek book as well. Just in case you were wondering. There's no bamboo sock, though. It's a big ticket item. No. Well, I think... It was hard back.

Yeah. As are most Daleks. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we're talking about Christmas. I would like to share an incident with you. Just before you begin, can we just discuss the many, many texts

that we've just received to this show? When I was mocked and derided for owning bamboo socks, and now the world has spoken and it has said, Alan, you're absolutely right, bamboo socks are awesome. No, but I thought you meant bamboo socks. I thought it was like man in the eye of masks. That's what I thought. What, like leg calipers?

If the man in the iron mask had been set in Malaysia instead of Paris, that's what it would have been, a bloke in a cell who was forced to wear bamboo socks. Well. The anguish and pain of it. You're so right, Al. 064, I concur with Alan on the bamboo sock. There's nothing about bed.

You never go back. Rather pitifully, I now look forward to putting my socks on in the morning. Wow. Bamboo socks straight off the radiator. Thank you, 064. What a lie. That guy is hashtag winning. The only fly in the ointment is 021.

I agree with Alan. I love new socks, although my wife has on several occasions bought me not very good socks, thus ruining the new sock experience. I'm tempted to not read the name Phil from Preston just in case Mrs Phil from Preston hears it. What she's done, she's got a five pack or something like that. You know when there's almost no elastication in the top. Maybe even black fluff that sticks on the toes, that sort of cheap sock experience.

That can be embarrassing in the Pilates class. 956, great for walking and skiing. Sorry, great for walking and skiing. Love bamboo socks. What? I've never even heard of them. But I think it must be a Hugo. If there's anyone listening from bamboo,

don't send us any free ones, because we can afford to buy our own. Thank you very much. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want anyone to think that we're can afford to buy our own. Thank you very much. I don't want anyone to think that we're doing this to get free socks. Whoa. I don't want free socks. Whoa.

Stick your free socks. Alan's upset about this because, as you know, he likes a big ticket gift. He does. Now, talking of which, I don't particularly care about a big ticket gift. If I like something, I'll buy it myself. Good for you.

All the ladies. But the thing is, something unfortunate can happen when you get what I call a gift deficit situation, which is when you have spent, OK, I'm going to name prices here, £67. Cool. I know, it was a lot. I overspent.

But this is an old friend of mine. It's a good friend. Obviously, I can't name the person. It'd be a mortificado. You're not telling me that Tom Ford sub for £70. I'll tell you the situation. Can I say I stink of Fordy? Oh, good.

I bought Frank some Fordy. Oh, nice. Get on with it? Yeah. Oh, good. I bought Frank some 40. Oh, nice. Get on with it? Yeah. Good, excellent. Oh, the lather. So, Frank, I bought somebody something... For 67 pounds.

Pretty generous. There were two items, a scarf in a sort of, it's not quite cashmere, I think it was wool, but it was nice. I'm going to say that was around the 48 pound mark. I think not quite cashmere. I think it was wool, but it was nice. I'm going to say that was around the £48 mark. I think not quite cashmere would be a good memoir type of... I love that. And then I thought, I'll buy something else. Just to sort of bulk it out a bit. Okay.

So, you know those salted caramel truffles? They're actually quite expensive. Yeah, nice. So they're probably around the £15 mark. Okay, so it's a scarf and... And the truffles. Okay. It's quite a nice present.

Lovely. It'd be a great snowman present. Use the truffles for the facial features. You're right. And then the birds, who have a hard time often in the winter, can eat its face. Yes. And the sugar will get them through the tougher periods of winter.

And it's got the lovely scarf on. Yeah. Christmas is all about caring, isn't it? I thought that was a nice package. What do you get back? A tidy little package. Do you want to know what I got back? You're really taking your time about this.

It would be a good idea for a gift, a snowman package, which is like a pipe and some coal. Yeah. Well, you didn't like my waistcoat idea for the snowman. No, I don't like that because the armpits on a snowman are such a complicated... I know, you went a bit, yeah. But yeah, I'm going to do that next year, a snowman kit to our friends in the north. That's a good idea.

Sorry, carry on then. That's all right. So it all builds the tension. What did you get back? I got back... Oh, God. I'm stiff with stress here. A little travel set of hand creams.

Hmm. Which in itself sounds fine. I mean, you know, a bit late Queen Mother. I don't know when... But what... Really? Do I have pterodactyl hands? Thank you.

Gardenia. Oh, I feel so young. Eee! So, Frank, that in itself, that's fine. I can handle that. Except when they've left the price on. Oh. And I'll tell you what's not a good sign,

when you feel underneath the travel set and you can feel there's two price tags on it, two stickers. Oh. Reduccione. Hashtag thrifty, though. Hashtag Reduccione. Do you want to know what they spent on me? Do you want to guess?

£8.99. Alan? £8.99. Alan? £4.99. £6.99. Whoa! Alan did that thing of spoiling it by going too low. I hate it when people do that. Do I look...

Guess how old he is, 85? Well, no, he's 78, but even so. I think you do the same thing you just described on purpose, though. Now, do I look like... I'm really not a 99 type girl. And also hand cream. When do you apply hand cream? I mean, look at me.

I'm not a hand cream type. But I've got hand cream that I got. I did the Graham Norton show. You get hand cream as a thank you. Oh, do you? Of course you do. But when do you put it on? Do you put it on last thing at night

so you get to bed with slimy hands? If you put them on in the morning, I put it on, I couldn't get out of the bedroom. Couldn't turn the handle. I've heard lady bosses sometimes do it in meetings. I've noticed ladies do it. The producer's nodding. Lazy bosses.

The lady bosses. I know those tables. Oh, lady bosses. Yeah. I was thinking of a lazy Susan. Anyway, I just thought the 6.99, I mean, I'm not saying the friendship's ruined. But one doesn't give... Things aren't looking so good.

One doesn't give. You are talking about it on the radio. One doesn't give in order to receive, am I right? No. That's what we say in the S&M community. Oh, see that then, not only have I got the affairs, but the university educated

producer just pointed at it with a biro in case I hadn't seen it in my dotage. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've lit up the switchboard with the discussion of bamboo socks, but we're not going to go back into that. No, let's not go back into that, honestly.

We've also had a text from 150. I like that Emily didn't name the person, but named the gifts. Surely said person will know now and feel shame at the lack of cash they spent. Well, well done, Poirot. I think that's what Emily wanted. Yeah, imagine if that happened. How awful that would be. I think my issue with said recipient...

No one ever says, well done, Poirot, at the end of Poirot. Well done, Poirot. Thank you, sir. I think my issue was that the said character didn't lance the boil. So had this happened with you, Alan Cochran, or you, Frank Skinner, I think you might have picked up lance the boil. So had this happened with you Alan Cochran or you Frank Skinner I think you might have picked

up on the deficit. I think I would have spent 90 minutes with you joking about how my present was worth £3 and yours was worth £50. And Frank Skinner would have made some Birmingham reference. But would it be better or worse if it was the other way around?

Would you feel embarrassed and ashamed if you bought... Never going to happen. Never going to spend 699 on a present. No, I think I would have maybe referenced it. I think I would have got it out into the open. Look, but it seems there are people who've suffered worse indignities. For example, the real Jo H. I once got a present from my sister-in-law,

a bottle of shampoo for hair like straw, written on the front of it, hashtag nice. And Cindy Patterson says, my daughter bought her friend a set of five smellies for Christmas. For her following birthday, her friend gave her back one fifth of the gift. Oh, no. That is, you've got to keep, if you're of the re-. That is, you've got to keep,

if you're of the re-gifting mind you've got to keep records. Right, yeah. Otherwise you are liable to drop yourself right. Only the keen diarist can be a keen re-gifter. That's what I reckon. That's one of my catchphrases in fact. That's lovely. I absolutely love that. I don't get to use it

very often. I really like it. If you do any embroidery, I'd love that. I don't get to use it very often. I really like it, Al. If you do any embroidery, I'd love that over my bed. Yeah, I was going to do it as an anti-macassar. Have that along with your radio, Frank, above your bed. Oh, anti-macassar. Yeah, that'd be... I'm worried about getting brill cream on it. Oh.

All right, fair enough. It's easily done. You know who else we have to talk about this week? I'm going to say it. Let, alright, fair enough. It's easily done. You know who else we have to talk about this week? I'm going to say it. Let me think. The no fooling

legend who was on a Ryanair flight and was filmed got impatient with the delay. I think it was

Malaga that they were in and they'd landed and it's one of those when they land and they won't let you off the plane. I think they'd been an hour delayed in London,

flown to where they were going and then they were half an hour just sat there. And this legend thought, I'm just going to get out of this plane on the emergency exit. Fernando del Valle Villa Lofos. Bless you, but let me tell my story. That's his name. Oh, is it?

Yeah, I'm always good on names. It sounded like you lost interest towards the end. Well, I forgot the name and I had to look at it. And climbed out of the plane. Climbed out of the plane whilst it was moving. Well, not whilst it was moving, while it was sat there. I mean, actually, I wouldn't have thought you could open the emergency door when it's landed like that.

He climbed out like the twilight zone when there's the um yeti on the wing no no no no it's like a little gremlin type oh is it okay that's um william shatner yes he's the passenger looks out of the the window and there's like a little monster thing on the on the wing messing about with one of the engines as well a little monster thing on the wing, messing about with one of the engines. A little bit frightening. Well, they had landed, as you say. They had, but then he was sort of sat there for a bit, I think, is the outcome. Well, when I read about this,

if you see an aeroplane when it's landed, you know when you walk out across the tarmac, the wings are quite high. Yes. I wouldn't want to jump off a wing even when it's on the ground. What I liked about this story, most of all, is that he wasn't a sort of 25-year-old

follow-the-bear-google-it lad on a stag break. He was a 57-year-old man. And I think that I had a lot of respect for him because of that that because I felt it might have been a considered mature decision I know that he was afraid because sometimes you think that only the young can do silly things

I think you're right I don't know if it was in the way it was quite a bold thing I mean it wouldn't happen to me because as hand luggage I always take a little inflatable ramp so when I was stuck on the wing I would have just slid down

what I do is I take helium in my hand luggage and I fill the life jacket with that so if I need to get off the wing I can just hover that'd be great if you could do that do you think that's one of the few gas cylinders they'd let you take on an aeroplane, Healey?

Because they might be glad of that, if there was engine problems. We'll probably get a text suggesting it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we just clear something up, Al? We've had a fair few correctiones. It wasn't William Shatner in that Twilight Zone episode.

It was the guy out of National Lampoons, I think. John Lisko, they're saying. Can we please... No, listen. Come on, Frank. Listen. Explain. Yeah, listen up, people.

That is... They made a film of two or three of the best stories from it and right john the original twilight zone take it from me william shatner is the passenger in the original 1963 if you want to know the date thank you very much for asking you know it's black and white old uh telly thing yeah okay good clear really that's That's like saying Margaret Thatcher was never the Prime Minister. Thingy May is the Prime Minister. Theresa May, yeah, exactly. Is it?

Come later. No, it's nothing like that. Take it all back. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Re-gifts. My friend received half of a cruet set last year for Christmas. Which half? I just want to know which half.

A salt pot as a main gift from a relative. No pepper pot this year, though. I think, to be fair, I think that's better than if she'd just got the pepper. Why? Because salt's a more basic thing. Oh, right. I think pepper, then you really miss the salt.

The salt's really absent. Whereas you can imagine salt on its own. But if you gave the person the pepper, they might just think that the gift giver already thinks you're quite a salty individual. Oh, I love a salty phrase. What about sherry? What happened to it's the salt? Sherry's a good present.

She says, what happened to it's the thought that counts. Well it turns out it's me that counts. So there you go. Oh I see you think that you're getting backlash for your materialism. Hate is good and hate. That's a shame. And what's happened to thought generally in the modern world. Anyway.

Stop with the John Lithgow we've explained it. Here's a question I'd like you to it's definitely William Shatner now shut up. Shut up to the listenership. If you went out... If you went out... If you went out onto a wing after a flight,

I don't know, how long does it take, that Malaga thing? 90 minutes. Would it be like if you go on a long drive and the windscreen's covered in dead oh right would it be covered in dead insects

and oh yeah dead birds maybe yeah maybe they oh could you do you know when you do

like snow angels and you lie on your back could you do that in innards lie on it and make like big blood smears to form a big

red winged angel enjoy your breakfast ladies and gentlemen you don't think you could do that I don't know I don't think they're constantly flying through life forms these aeroplanes are they? Also there's a joke in this story which I've got in

kit form at the moment maybe one of our readers can help out. Because it's Ryanair and there's a bloke on the wing. Oh, right. Now, there used to be a famous Man United song that went, Ryan gigs, Ryan gigs, running down the wing. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that?

Yeah. There's got to be a Ryanair, Ryanair. Yeah. Something with this. Yeah. It's one to be a Ryanair, Ryanair. Yeah. Something with this. Yeah. It's one of those that once you've thought of the idea, I can't be bothered to build it. No.

I'd have been rubbish if we built the Bismarck part work. But it's also a terrible, I don't know if you know that song, but it says, it goes on to say, it's based on the old Robin Hood television. It goes on, Feared by the Blues, the old Robin Hood television. It goes on, feared by the blues, loved by the reds. Oh, yeah. Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs. Yeah.

Now, the original song was, feared by the bad, loved by the good. Robin Hood, obviously good and hood. Yeah. There's a rhyme missing. Reds and Giggs. Yeah. Shut up. Absolute,

absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Ian Angle has been in touch to say, not sure what insects

you think fly at 35,000 feet. Well, I don't know. Besides, I believe planes have to make their way to 35,000 feet. I don't know. Besides, I believe planes have to make their way to 35,000 feet. They don't just... You think during the up and down moment

they're just flying through insects and bird clouds? Yeah, they must do, haven't they? They've got to make their way through the... They're not in hyperspace. Yeah. True. As my mum used to say, good thinking, Batman. I'm speculating. Good thinking, Batman As my mum used to say, good thinking Batman. I'm speculating.

Good thinking Batman. Thinking about me part work. Oh yeah. 188 has texted, hi crew, I re-gifted, can I just say hats off to hi crew, I re-gifted... Isn't that a 14 syllable

poem? Very good. I re-gifted a Christmas present to my friend whose birthday is just after Christmas. She loved it so much, she posted it on Facebook for the person who originally gave it to me to see. Horrified, I tried to delete the post, but it was too late. Now I track all

re-gifts. Oh, yeah. I just said you've got to be a keen diarist. You know what? I think it's 17 syllables. That? Haiku. Oh, do you? Yeah. So don't bother texting him.

Oh, no, don't text him with your haiku corrections. Life's too short. Is that one? Sorry? Is that one? Don't text him with your haiku corrections. Life's too short. That's a haiku.

Don't text him with your haiku corrections. Life's too short. No, just a few hours. Just short, but I'll work it off for next week. It would have been amazing if it happened. Oh, just if one could just spit out haiku like that. Yeah. It wouldn't be an art, would it?

No. No. Okay, so it's been lovely to get back after the Christmas break. Thanks for all your responses to the part works texting. Thanks for that. Okay, so look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.