The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Socks Office

Episode Date: July 8, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team discuss the Mohawk, Frank's recent cinema trip, Wimbledon and the Salvador Diet.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm feeling really happy to be here. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Go on. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That is all you know and all

you need to know. So, um, this is nice. I'm on a high stool today and I don't often sit on a high stool unless I've... Well, I used to work with Aldunican a lot. We're in a new gaff this morning, aren't we?

Yeah, I feel like the Rat Pack, though, when we're sitting on high stools. I feel like I'm at Cheers Bar or something. Oh, yeah. Or maybe you could be umpiring. At Wimbledon. More Wimbledon later! I'll tell you what, I had a lovely...

How can I put it? A sort of a it broke something a convention breaking moment did you smash a taboo? I did smash a taboo I smashed it and then I passed water on it that's what I did

to that taboo I arrived this morning and it was one of those, you come into work and somebody surreptitiously gives you a birthday card to sign for one of your colleagues. Oh, yes. Well, I arrived with Emily Dean. Now, let me rephrase. Our cars arrived simultaneously. Yeah.

Sure. Let me rephrase. Our cars arrived simultaneously. Yeah. Sure, sure. And as we went through the door, we both looked at each other, knowing that Emily's birthday is imminent. We both knew we were walking into it. Next Tuesday, FYI.

Yeah, we were walking into a bit of a disaster area. So I said, let's just come on. So she stood at my side. She stood while he signed it. Oh, did you? Nice. I mean, I can't believe you. There'll be people in offices all over Britain

or work in offices all over Britain going, that is just wrong, I'm sorry. There'll be some rogue elements of the office society going, game changer, this is a game changer, now we can do it. If Frank can do it, because you know they live their life by a what would Frank do? I'm a core of many people. I quite liked it, Frank.

I liked the authenticity and the honesty. We just dispensed with, you know, all that. It was like, you just walked in and I think I said at one point, shall I go ahead? And he said, no. Let's just stay in here together. For me, it was a bonus

because what I wrote on the card was Fröhliche Geburtstag, German for happy birthday. And the fact that I wanted Emily to see that I could write that without having to consult Google. That is good. And I just knew it. And I'm including omelettes. Good for you.

But I just did it and I'm glad that she knows that. Very good. Well that wasn't the only fabulous birthday related thing I got off you. Subscription to Dogs Monthly. What about that? That is good. I mean, it doesn't come any better than that.

I was knee-deep in Alsatians last night, reading all about them. And the binder, as you open the binder, there's like a tongue sticking out that you pull it open. Really? Yeah. Is that allowed? That's not true. I meant that off.

But if anyone from Dogs Monthly is listening That's a little You can have that Yeah You can have that The tongue handle binder I'll tell you what I saw the other day Now help me out with this I saw I saw a man with what I call a mohawk haircut.

I've heard people call it a Mohican. A Hoxton Finn as well, I believe they're also called. Oh, they call it a Hoxton Finn. Hoxton, I should say, is a very cool area in um east london if you live outside the metropolis um i don't see so many nowadays i occasionally see them in um i'm sorry i don't want to get all london on this don't worry we'll move away we'll generalize in a minute but in in camden in london which is a sort of a it's cool but in a different way yeah it's cool but which is a sort of a... It's cool, but in a different way. It's cool, but in a sort of Che Guevara T-shirt,

£4.99, falls apart after two washes kind of a way. Well, it's also international home to the Goths. It is, yes. I'd say that's true. There'll be people from Whitby that are unhappy about that. But... That's more the holiday Goth... Yeah, they go for a goth holiday I love the goths have a holiday

what do they do do they take the leather jacket off I bet they pack I bet they pack some block do they take some block they have a trailer on the back of the car so

they I saw a man with a what I was going to say is when you see them in Camden you don't see them in Camden now, you don't see them worn naturally much just by people who have them. I see people offering photo opportunities in Camden. Do you?

Have you seen that? Yeah. So you get people with blue and red. Rent a mohawk. So you can have your photo. Tourists can have their photo with a sort of proper punk rocker with a mohawk. They charge. Or like a big high one.

Yeah. They have soap water in there, don't they? They do. I always imagine those people, those really big mohawks, heavily gelled, could slice their own pizza with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's got that look about it. It's got one of those pizza roller things. Anyway. Do you remember there was a celebrity punk? He was called Matt Belgrano. No. And he was when... That was sort of when... It's not without trace now, of things. Anyway. Do you remember there was a celebrity punk? He was called Matt Belgrano. No. And he was when, that was sort of when... It's not without trace now, of course.

Very good. Very good. That was sort of when punk died, because he charged, I believe it was a pound at the time, for photos. I still see that being done now. It is, yes. Still a quid.

Yeah. So they've not gone up with inflation. No. We need to have gone up with inflation. No. We'll have to have a look at that. I have hunk's head. Anyway, so I saw a man with a mohawk. And if anyone, by the way, of our readers knows the difference between why some people call them mohawks

and some Mohicans, I'd love to know. Are they separate tribes? Good question. Because if you saw the mohawk, then you haven't seen the last of the Mohicans. No. Oh, lovely. Well, if Chingachook was the last of the Mohicans,

according to James Fenimore Cooper, this bloke must have been a Mohawk. Right. Because Chingachook is long gone. Yeah. He's gone to the happy hunting ground in Scotland. Let's face it. That's spicy. With running water.

Oh. All mod cons. Yeah. Bijou. I wonder if anyone had twins, they called them hot and cold running water. Anyway, so this man I saw with the mohawk, it was a bit, I think it was a little bit different because you see all collars

he hadn't dyed it. Oh. So it was au naturel. Yeah. And he was well I'm saying he was 50. Oh was it grey? It was dark but it was grey, it was definitely

grey, quite a bit of grey, innit? Really? I've never seen a greying mohawk. Salt-and-pepper punk, who knew? I know. I'll tell you what it looked like. It looked like a monochrome fibre-optic lamp. But if anyone...

There's things I want to know. I walked behind him for about probably four or five minutes and became utterly fascinated with the whole... I mean, how grey is... Are we talking George Clooney colour or Gary Lineker? I'm saying, yeah, maybe Gary Lineker a year ago when you could see the dark. Ouchie.

You could see the dark. Ouchie. You could see the dark through but the grey was starting to dominate. But in a mohawk, it was the first one for me. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So, yes, the man with the man with the grey mohawk. He's got a fabulous hairstyle. Go on, Sally. He sure does. 235 has been in touch. My dad is 72 and has both a mohawk and a goatee,

both of which are grey. Ah. I imagine he tinkers on cars a lot during the day. He's got a fabulous hairstyle. It makes all the people talk. Heavily gelled, but au natural. The man with the green mohawk. I do.

I like that. So, Dan's got a grey mohawk. Yeah. And a goatee. That's, I mean, I think mohawk. I've never seen a mohawk- and a goatee that's i mean i think mo i've never seen a mohawk goatee combo well it sounds like he's got an alternative lifestyle i don't think i've seen that it sounds like something you know when those um play-doh hair salons when you turn the thing and stuff starts to come out

of holes that you haven't even noticed on the on the head i've never seen that as a match-up the goatee and goatee and glasses seems a very prevalent match-up, does it? One of the best double acts I've ever seen. You see that all the time, don't you? They're inseparable. We've also had a theory, I think it's a theory because I've never heard it, about what the difference between Mohawk and Mohegan is.

Mohawk is on top, Mohegan all the way down the centre of your head from Guna Ross in Derby. Oh, I see. So there's that one where it looks like a sort of paintbrush type, so it's quite thick but short. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Think Play-Doh Fun Factory.

Imagine the difference between if you had a letterbox, say, or you had a long slit. Right. So the letterbox, I think he's saying it's the Mohican. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Chingachook, I don't think I had either of those in the television series. He's getting a lot of air time today.

He can't believe his luck. It's about time he... Played by Lon Chaney Jr., of course, as many of you will remember in the TV show. Can we go to Whatever Happened To? OK. Shall I put it forward? Certainly.

This is from Rob, Prisoner137. He says, Whatever Happened To? Tutti Frutti ice cream. I went to an ice cream parlour last week with hundreds of flavours, but not that. Struggling to think of a time I've seen it since the early 90s. I'm with you, Rob. I never see that tutti frutti.

I'm actually going to think it was 70s. Well, I remember my old PP. Oh, dear. Let's not talk about that. It's parish priest. Oh, is it? Sorry. I was just getting wistful about the time gone by.

I'm not familiar with your world. He told me in one of his parishes, he was seen as such a colourful character, they called him Father Tootie Fruity. Did they? So, God rest his soul, you've reminded me of him. Has he gone? You'll be telling me soon about the scarcity of the knickerbocker glory.

Knickerbocker glory sounds like such a euphemism as well. Have you seen my knickerbocker glory. Knickerbocker glory sounds like such a euphemism as well. Have you seen my knickerbocker glory? I mean, what else could it possibly mean? So the tutti frutti is gone, has it? I'm happy to join in with it. I mean, I don't know,

but this is what Rob thinks. You know what? It's good enough for me, so here goes. Whatever happened to the tutti frutti ice cream? We got there? I think I was a bit off. Can we do it again, Steve? Steve?

Oh. It doesn't exist. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. So not only did this man have a mohawk, but he was just dressed in an ordinary shirt and trousers on. On his way to a meeting. Yeah, but it wasn't posh.

It wasn't like he'd had to dress up like, let's say, I'm guessing, a court appearance. It was just like in, you know, normal casuals, quite a hot day, I'd just wear a shirt unbuttoned a bit and some trousers. So almost like he used to be a full-on punk rocker, but then the bit that he kept was just the hair. Do you remember when he used to get pictures come up on the internet

and there'd be like a white line coming down and the picture would gradually emerge from the bottom or from the top? Oh, yeah, yeah. I think he's ponked them, he's disappearing from the feet down. But the head is still left. No, but this mohawk, it required some gelling and teasing to get it. It was in great shape. Apart from it was grating, it was perfectly in place.

So he took the trouble to do that. I don't know what they... Here's a question for anyone at home who's got a mohawk or a friend with one. Do they ever go out with them ungelled? or a friend with one, do they ever go out with them on gel? Oh, yeah. And what happens to a mohawk if you just wash it and leave it? Well, it looks extraordinary, doesn't it? I imagine it looks like really bad curtains, you know, like a centre party.

Oh, if you're centre party. What if you combed it straight forward? It'd look like one of those... Like a rhino horn or something. They were called nasal helmets, those things they wore in the Middle Ages. You know those ones that have got a piece that comes down and comes out of the nose?

Perfect. From a distance, it looks like badly placed washing instructions I always saw on those. Yeah, you could go for a nasal helmet. You could gel it into a nasal helmet if you're going to a rough area, or worried about some run. Rough area. What about if you... You know when you you go into a rough area. Or worried about some rough area. What about if you, you know

when you see people with a bit of cardboard on their nose you say, no, I'll just bring the whole, the mohawk straight down this morning. Yeah. I like an eclectic dress. I like one thing a bit off like that. Do you? You see, I don't. You don't? No, I... Does it offend your

sort of sense of... I once, I once't. You don't? No, I... Does it offend your sort of sense of... I once... I was off Broadway once. I mean, as a pontoon, not as a performer. And I went to see Quentin Crisp. Mm-hm. And he said this thing about once you decide your style, you have to stick with it.

And he said you have to get rid of everything you own that doesn't fit with your style once you've decided on it. So if you want to be a teddy boy, you can't have like a T-shirt in the house. You've got to just have your style. Right. And I felt a bit let down that he had ordinary clothes on.

Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I like the sound of him. Well, I like it when you get sort of like, let's say a darts player come into a few quid, so he might buy some nice Notting Hill dad shoes, but then he's still got a terrible nylon top and the gold rings.

And I quite like that. That's work attire. I think you're wedded to that somewhat. I like to think, when I see, say a young girl now of the modern age, I like to think that when she's in bed at night, she's wearing she's wearing, no. If you'll just bear with me. Your witness. I'm going to try. That her pyjama trousers

have got ribs in the knees. Oh, nice. Oh, consistency even at night, Frank. Consistency of style. And the young lad, the young lad's pyjama trousers are hanging halfway down his bum. I don't want him to suddenly become Christopher Robin or that kid with the glasses out of Peter Pan when they go to bed.

The style has to be consistent. Peter was the... He couldn't have been called Peter. What was he called, the kid? Michael. There was a Michael. That's a bit 70s, isn't it? Well, I think it's a bit older than that, isn't it, the kid? Michael. There was a Michael. That's a bit 70s, isn't it? Well, I think it's a bit older than that. Is it Peter Pan?

What was the child in Peter Pan called? There's a Michael and something. Yeah, you're right. But the one in the glasses. Yeah, I know who you mean, fam. The one who was the sort of Harry Potter prototype in many ways. Yeah, I know, I know. But he wears pyjamas.

It sounds like a couple of old people trying to remember him when he saw something now. It is that. No disrespect. That's what it is. Yeah. He dressed in pyjamas consistently. I look like Freddy Fingers from the Boomtown Rats. Do you wear pyjamas all the time?

8, 12, 15. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got some bad news for you, Frank. You know, we've got a... Oh, God.

..a crexione coming in. Oh, yeah? For you, I'm afraid. It says... This is related to Peter Pan, Al. Yeah, well, it says, Boomtown Rats Piano Pyjamas, Johnny Not Freddy Fingers.

Oh. Oh. Crexione, crex Freddy Fingers. Oh. Correction. Correction. Correction. That's Pete on the Whirl, by the way. I sit corrected. Yes. But, yes, I'm

sorry about that. Although it is quite a high chair, so it's sort of stand corrected and sit corrected. I think Freddy Fingers is better. I do. But it's a bit light for that. 104 has been in touch with some Peter Pan hot gossip. Oh, yeah? Hi, Frank. John was dressed in a nightgown, glasses and top hat.

Oh, that's right, yeah. Remember that? Lottery winner. OK. Yes, not pyjamas. And a plastic champagne glass. Nightgown, yeah. Michael wore a baby grow.

Early adopter for the onesie, maybe. Yeah. Now, Peter Pan, I think, had a onesie. Did he have a onesie, Peter Pan? Oh, of course. Yes, he had a... It depends, I think. Well, he had a peplum.

Did he? Yeah. I never noticed it in the drawings. I think he was wearing some sort of restraining belt in the later artwork. He had a sort of medieval hose. Green hose. Medieval hose? Much like the trousers worn on Love Island.

Oh, no. The tight trousers. I'm sorry, but I've got a Love Island embargo. I understand. Everyone is talking to me about it. I don't know what an embargo is. I don't even know what it is. Okay.

No man is a Love Island. Wendy had the rips. She was the first hipster. This is what 104 says. She had rips. What were the rips in? What in the dress, maybe? I thought she was in a white nightie.

I still say nightie, by the way. Highly flammable number. What do you mean nightie? You can't say nightie. No, I don't think you can say nightie. Well, a lot of the women's... I mean, I never hear of a teddy anymore. Who wears a teddy?

Oh, my drambies wax. Yeah, exactly. Oh, by the way, speaking of waxing... Oh, well, i wasn't no no different this is different i'm back to the mount the mohawk i tell you i had this i had this dream i i thought it's something i'd love to do um looking at the heavily gel what you can do with a heavily gelled hair um kath bought me a book called um it's the ghost stories of E.F. Benson. And I thought I'd love to gel my hair right upwards and sit and read this on public transport.

As if it's self-righteous. Oh, I see. Just not refer to it, but just have the hair gelled straight up. It's something, it's a dream. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I think a celebrity thing looks like a stunt. But if anyone know if I can do it anymore. I think a celebrity thing, it looks like a stunt. But if anyone out there wants to do it, go for it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Oh, yes, I went to the cinema this week. I haven't been for a while, I'll be honest with you. I've not been for ages. No. What did you go and see? I haven't been for a while, I'll be honest with you. I've not been for ages. No. But I was... What were you going to? I was desperate to see Wonder Woman before it disappeared. So I got to the cinema and I got...

I was going with my sister-in-law. So I arrived before her and I thought, I'll get the tickets. Yeah. So I went up and went into the cinema and couldn't see anywhere to get the tickets from at all. There was, you know, hot dogs, popcorn. Yeah. Soft drinks. Why are they called that?

What, as opposed to drinks that are really sort of hard? Hard liquor. Yeah, hard liquor. I think that's the comparison. Anyway, so I end up, there was a young chap who was, I mean, he was working there. He looked, you know, he was young. But he had a laminate.

I went over and I said, where's your, I said, Laminate? I said, excuse me, where's your, where's the box office? He looked at me and he said, we don't have no box office. He didn't say we don't have no. He did. He said, we don't have no box office.

We don't need no education. I said, what do you mean? He said, we don't have no box office. I said, do I get a ticket for the film? He said, anybody will sell you a ticket. I said, well, how do I get a ticket for the film? He said, anybody will sell you a ticket. I said, what do you mean? He said, all these people on the counter, they'll all sell you. I said, well, get one from that woman there.

And he said, yeah. And he said, look at the way he was with me. This is what he heard. I'm going to go into this young man's head now. He's quite a cool looking guy. This is what he heard. I walked up to him and said, excuse me, I'm the oldest man in the world.

That was what he heard. So when did that happen? So I went up to the woman standing next to the big cops of things. And where was she working? Was she on the top? I was low.

You know when you're braced for a practical joke and you don't quite... And I said, can I get a cinema ticket from you? Cinema ticket? She said, yeah. And then she said, do you want an ordinary or VIP? I thought, what? How long have I been away from the cinema? So is this normal now?

There's no box office at the cinema. Oh, we don't have no box office. It's pretty normal. We've no box office. When did the box office disappear? Well, last time I went, not only did they have no box office, I got it from the popcorn man, and who then turned into the man

who tore up your tickets two minutes later. What? He was running around like that man and carry on abroad. He does all too many jobs. It's like Cinema Paradiso. Yeah, it's like Alex Guinness

has taken over. He's played every role. This was a view. Cinema, they're a big company. Yeah, I don't like that. Oh, man. I've got some other bad news for you. The VIP thing. That wasn't just for you.

They let normal people have VIP tickets too. Well, of course I bought VIP. I thought, yeah, I'll go for it. Got enough for people in there. Yeah, yeah. Who knew? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text our show on 8, 12, 15 or follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've had a tweet from Steph Matthews who says, regarding there ain't no

box office, they say no country club, Steph Matthews says the exact same thing happened to me on Sunday at my local view, I was dumbfounded. Dumbfounded. Dumbfounded is good. What does that mean, dumbfounded? They found me and I

was struck dumb. It's interesting that. I'd like to know um is there anyone who listens to this show who's regularly lost for words 8 12 15 the reason i ask is whenever anyone claims to have been lost for words have you noticed i heard this someone until the day said on of course well i'm i'm lost for words. Have you noticed? I heard this someone the other day said, well, I'm lost for words, and that doesn't happen very often. They always say that. Even people you think, well, you don't seem particularly at home with words.

I would have thought it happens quite a lot, but no. Also, what is the quality of the words? It's not often I'm lost for words, isn't it? Are you sure? I'd say it's often you're lost for good words. Yeah. And sometimes I'll say well I'm speechless. Demonstrably untrue.

I think you'll find well I'm speechless is speech. I hope you say that to them. Oh, I'm sure he does. I'm absolutely sure of it. I say I've heard people, they're going to be taught. Absolutely certain of it. I say I've heard people, they're going to be taught. Absolutely certain of it. They're going to be taught.

So was Steph dumbfounded, or did she actually say, OK, well, we can go over to the Coca-Cola. It's usually Pepsi, I notice, in cinemas. I'm sure you don't want this to turn to an attack on Steph for her use of dumbfounded. I love Steph. I love Steph. They love a Pepsi, and oh, the hugeness of the receptacles these days.

We are brothers in cinematic confusion, or sisters. Steph, do you think it's... Your family. Do you think it's a lady? Steph, yes. OK. Nienbe? No, good point.

Have you encountered this as well, that in addition to the cinema paradiso aspect of the cinemas now they will also say one guy said to me recently if you thought um i gave you good service could you um email you have to email the cinema group and he gave me all the details it's happened to me about three times so i have to give the review as well. Everyone wants reviews now. It used to just comics and theatre shows. Now everybody wants a...

Look at Uber. Get an Uber. Get an Uber car and after you get a thing saying how many stars you give the driver. And I'm generous if they've got me where I want to go and they haven't done a big anti-Catholic speech. I'm happy. Is that the rule? That's the general rule of thumb.

Yeah. But then they'll say, after I've done the five stars, it comes up, do you want to give a compliment? Well, don't ever ask me that. If I want to give a compliment, you know what I'll do?

I'll give a compliment. Yeah. But not now, I don't want to give a compliment. I'd rather... What? I'd rather grind that compliment into the ground. I'm interested in the amount of Uber drivers slagging off Catholicism, to be honest. That's the bit I'm finding.

Well, we're going to upset the black cab drivers. Why? Well, they don't like us talking about them. Oh, well, look. Well, look. Okay, I'll mention another. Green Tomatoes. Green Tomatoes. Green Tomatoes, another popular car firm.

When they arrive at your house, you get a text saying your chariot awaits. Do you? Do you? Just once. Oh, I'd like that. Just once I want to go out and there's a big Roman-type figure on a proper chariot.

Like a Ben-Hur, yeah. Because it'd beiot and I have to get it. Because it'd be great because I'd be in it but I wouldn't have any of the regalia so it'd just be like a man from the 21st century more or less, give 20, 30 years in a Roman chariot going through town. Splendid. I'd love that.

I would love that. Just for you, listen, if you're green tomorrow come on, a regular customer, just once, genuine chariot. Because I don't really want metaphors from my cab company. I don't think the regularity of your custom will affect whether you get a chariot or not. I don't know.

I think I should be. I think if you'd booked more than 100 cars, say, on your 100th car, it should be a real chariot. Maybe a spike as well, Frank. A spike? Well, you know, when Ben heard the spikes came out the side, I laughed at that.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I thought you were talking about their hairstyles. Back to the mohawk. Actually, see, the Roman centurions, they sort of had their own removable Mohicans. Didn't they? They did. Disposable Mohicans.icans, when you could just decide on the morning whether you wanted one or not.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You know what we should talk about this week is, for a start I'd like to talk about the tennis a little, un-per. Oh yeah, fair enough. But also, we have a recurring motif on this show. Every summer it seems to come up. It's Flying Ant Day, because didn't you once discuss the flying ants and how you were always puzzled by them?

I discussed them on this show. The questions I ask everyone, aren't flying ants a breed of ants with wings? Or are they ordinary ants that just don wings for the day? And we discovered, didn't we? Did we? I can't remember what the answer was. Well, they sprout wings to find a mate. Oh, yes.

We've all done it, love. I hate that. We've all done it. You see, I've cancelled that out, because when I found that out, it slightly marred flying ants out for me. Because they're a bit sex-pest? Well, basically, they're looking for a sort of local babe's overview.

Right. They're just flying around. Like one of those lechie guys at first. What would you do if you were invisible or something? I don't like the idea of them saying to each other, mid-air, she's all right. You know what I mean? Well, she's all right. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Well, it's essentially what happens on the estate, isn't it? I mean, they take off in search of a lady. Actual flight, so you can spot them. Yeah. It's swooped down for action. Well, it's not just the men. It's a lot of desperate queens as well.

Is that right? Is there women up there as well? Women, obviously. Yeah. Do they call female aunts women ants is that yeah what about lady ants you could say that female well what i would say about this i very much hope that the wimbledon coverage was being watched by Graham Norton, Marion Cotillard, James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender. Wow. Because when I was on the Graham Norton show with those people and they asked me what I'd put in room 101 and I said Flying Ant Day, none of them had the first idea what I was talking about. Really? They hadn't heard of Flying Ant Day and never witnessed it. And they just get taken around and chauffeured cars. They made me out to be a fool. I think I said something like,

oh, perhaps I don't go to any of the big celebrities. And Graham Norton said, no, we don't want any of that. I remember. Oh, yeah, he defended upwards instead of downwards. Is that fair? Anyway, I owe at least one of them, Marianne maybe, sitting in I imagine in

Aux Halles-Prevons. Oh, yeah. Going, Flank, oh yes, Flank, that Englishman. Flank Skinner. He right. I hope that happened. Well, that's what happened. They descended on Wimbledon.

And my concrete patch. A swarm. I found loads of them with the gossamer wings. Did you? You know what? I didn't see a damn one. I missed it. I missed it.

Well, my dog was going cray-cray. He'd go cray-cray. I missed it, though. He was playing with the wings. He was loving it. I've missed out on a few fads, but not that one. Fads. Flying out in day.

Oh, I see. Yes, yes, yes. I thought you meant actual fads. So I honestly, I really, I'm serious. It's one of the few times I wished I was on Twitter. I would have been sitting at my Twitter monitor. Yeah. Waiting, waiting for an apology to come from one of those

celebrities. Frank was pointing his pen as he said that. He uses a pen on his Twitter monitor. He's got a stylus or something. Flying aunt? Did they make you feel foolish, Frank, for mentioning it? They made me feel like I'd

You know when people are so disbelieving of what you say, you start to doubt that which you know to be true. I thought I'd imagined the whole thing. I'm disappointed in Fassbender. They laughed at... Well, Graham Norton must have seen Flight... Maybe they don't have it in France. You know what, Frank?

First they laugh at you, then they laugh at you. Yeah. I don't mind being laughed at, but not laughed at. Yeah, I know. But really, if anyone is Twitter friends, is that what you call it? Yeah. Twitter friends with any of these people,

can you point out that I told them about Flying Andy and they laughed in my face? They all laughed at Frank Skinner when he said there was a flying out there. I'm not sure people can use Twitter for spiteful conversations. No, I don't think anyone's ever done that. Let's innovate. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We had a message in to you, Frank. Regarding Uber, Frank will be aware that as well as the passenger rating, the drivers get the passenger a star score as well. Frank would be interested in Frank's current customer rating, especially if he's encountering the Catholicism issue regularly. I'm not saying I am regularly. Well, I'm delighted to say that I've got the best of

all of us. Yes, we've just checked our right. Oh, man. And guess who's got the worst? Me. 4.73. I never bring up Catholicism. I reckon I could really smash my rating down by bringing up my atheism more frequently. Oh, I don't know.

In the modern world. I don't know. I think my rating was taken down in one fell swoop. Yes, I said fell swoop. Did you? By that man, Frank. Do you remember the cab driver who, when I was putting my make-up on, he turned round to me at the end of the journey

and just went, oh, so different. I think that was meant to be a compliment, though. Anyway. Anyway, we were at Wimbledon. Talking about anti-aircraft. Is it? I said anti-aircraft.

Very good. It's clever, isn't it? Yeah. Very clever. It's lovely. You see, I see it as a superstition. Do you know when some people salute magpies on the first day? If a munt got an R on it, you have to say rabbits.

You know that? Oh, never heard that one. You've never heard rabbits you know that? I've never heard that one really? in fact I think that might be a prank you've just been living with what's the bloke at the View Cinema told me no that's commonly known

any readers, first day of the month with an R on it you have to say rabbits am I right or am I wrong? anyway whenever a flying ant, you have to say rabbits. Am I right or am I wrong? Anyway, whenever a flying ant, I have to shout, up the ante. That's my superstition, because the antis are going up. I call them antis,

affectionately, because they've never done me no harm. But those players that were citing the flying ants as the reason for their losses, come on. No. I mean, you can't do that. One man was saying, I could not see.

I was like, no, you just didn't play very well. You had a bad day. Do we think the tennis racket would be a useful fly swaps? Don't need one of those electric ones? Yeah, that's all we were talking about last week. If they had one of those, they could just switch on the normal one and then get rid of the flying ants and then carry on. I mean, imagine how good they'd be at that, though.

Because all that practice, surely they'd be fantastic. The flying ants wouldn't... Wouldn't stand a chance. Wouldn't stand a chance. And the whole crowd would just be going, look at that form on that fly swatting. That is beautiful in motion. Well, when I saw the headline, flying ant day,

I thought it was another drugs and drink scandal. Anyway, um... And Joe Conta, who I love, actually swallowed one, apparently. Oh, no. Now, there is a rumour that she is part aardvark. Right. Oh, that's why she liked the ants.

So that's not going to gonna, that's not gonna help is it? You've got to be careful with Wimbledon rumours. That's what John McEnroe has fallen victim to, isn't he? He's spreading gossip about Novak, isn't he? Is he? Yeah. Oh yes, he's got in trouble for that. He compared Novak Djokovic to Tiger Woods

this week. Oh. Djokovic went, could you not do that please? No. Basically. And Thompson. I mean went, could you not do that, please? No. Basically. And Thompson... I mean, we've all heard stories. Yeah. And Thompson says, I was brought up to say white rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit on the first of every

month. What? First of every month? Yeah. Strange parents. Yeah, but her parents were magicians, in fairness. He was just counting. They were off to work and it was an inventory. He had the John Top Hat. No, I've never heard of White Rabbit.

Sarah, our assistant producer, is nodding wildly. Yeah. White Rabbit, White Rabbit, White Rabbit, every month. Oh, it's a commitment, isn't it? I tell you, I Rabbit every month it's a commitment isn't it I tell you it's I can't mix it up with oysters when do you eat oysters is that a month you can't eat

when you're on a date I think that's disgusting is that a month without an R in it no that's when some filthy creep is taking you out for the evening they get the oysters out. What? When do we eat white rabbits?

I'm so confused. Royce, Royce, Royce. Oh, God. I'm going to have to have a light down. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. When the flying ants turned up, couldn't somebody have just opened a massive jar of honey in the corner of the court

and then they would have all gone that way and they could have carried on playing? No, when they've got mischief on their mind, they don't care about honey. Yeah, I'm afraid it's the one day. One track mind. It's not the honey trap they're after. I'm picturing a vat of honey on like court 18

and then 17 courts just perfectly fine to play tennis on. I mean, it's a nice... Or a bin. Yeah. I don't know, is that good for a bin? It's a wasp. It's a wasp thing, isn't it? Oh, I'm thinking of wasps.

That's the trouble with some of my solutions. I mean, if you played some sleazy music, like the Benny Hill theme, they're all over it, these ants on that day. Yeah. I don't know if I'd call that sleazy music. Well, it is in my world.

What else happened at SW19? Did you see... Sarah's our tennis correspondent. I looked her even for postcards. Postcard correspondent. Did you see the towel thief? Oh, towel gate. Well, towel gate.

Towel thief, I think, is leading the... Did ye see the towel thief? Oh, towel gate. Well, towel gate. New law. Yeah. Towel thief, I think, is leading the... Oh, OK. Leading the witness. OK, well, let's explain what happened. OK. Yeah. So, this Jack Sock...

Yes. Who I must say I'd never heard of. Is he a well-known tennis player? He is, but he's been lost for ages. Oh, that's how well-known he is. Oh, lovely. He's been lost for ages. Oh, that's how well he is. Oh, lovely. He's the famous lost sock, isn't he?

Has he got, what I like, has he got a relative also playing at Wimbledon? Yeah, he's in the doubles. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I hate it when there's just one sock

in the drawer. In the drawer? Come on! Come on! New studio, same old talent. Yeah, and apparently his trainer calls himself Jack Trainer Sock. Oh, nice. Lovely.

I'm just going to keep going. Any more socks? I'm on the verge of medieval hose. But aren't we all? At my age, why not? So, Jack Sock. Let's face it, when it comes down to it, I know Jack Sock. That's going to be the new phrase, Frank.

I'm going to say that. That's nicer. I'm having that. You can use that. You see, in the dog world, you won't offend anyone. Yeah. In case you don't know, Emily lives in the dog world. I do.

And I like it. Listen to her podcast in which she walks with celebrities and their dogs and talks intimately. It's good. Oh, Frank. It's good. Carry on. It's so lovely. So, meanwhile, over in Sockland, Jack Sock, he was playing the game.

He threw the towel, because some of these people like the towel, don't they? They do. They like the sweaty... Well, it's a lovely towel. I mean, they look lustrous, the towels. You know what I mean? Not when Jack Sock's been all over them. Yeah, but...

No, does one walk? Sweaty sock? If you get... Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. It's endless. Now, do you think, if you get a towel from Jack Sock landing in your lap, do you wash that towel and use it as a towel?

No. Or do you keep it as Jack Sock's towel? No, it's the memorabilia, Al, isn't it? It's the memorabilia, I think. Is Jack Sock... I don't want to be disrespectful to him. No, I do. Is he at the memorabilia level? Well, you never know. See, I'd be thinking free towel. I wouldn't want to be disrespectful to him. No, I do. Is he at the memorabilia level? Well, you never know.

See, I'd be thinking free towel. I wouldn't be thinking Jack Sock towel. Especially as I know it's called Jack Sock. I'd have probably worked it out by then if I'd been at the game. Yeah. Advantage sock. When I heard that. Well, there was a tussle with the sock towel.

There was a tussle, yeah. Somebody thought, I'm having that. Two people thought it. It was heading for a young boy, or was it? Was it? Or was it? Was it heading for a young boy? But the point is, an elderly gentleman and his wife...

I don't know if he was elderly. I'd say he was younger than me. I think he was younger than me. Hashtag awks. Awkward. I would say... Hold it. What are you getting at?

He grabbed the towel. Again, I'm leading it, aren't I? I mean, did he grab the towel? You are leading the witness. Some people have suggested... Well, the point is, we should say there was an unseemly tussle. Old geezer ends up with the towel and... But how often do you get a seemly tussle?

That's true, yeah. This is true. Old Marmurrie weighed in. Did she? What, after the towel? No, she said afterwards on Twitter, she retweeted something which said, jerk old man stealing a thrown towel of Jack Sox from a kid.

Yeah. Ageist. Yeah. You know that was tweeted by Andy Murray, though, I think. I think she was retweeting her son. But once a towel goes into a crowd of people, then it's every man for himself. Survival of the fittest, yeah?

Yeah, isn't it? If you want to stake a claim... Darwinian. I would say if you want to stake a previous claim on a towel, you have to put a sun lounger on it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So, this towel incident... Yes. ...at Wimbledon... Towel-y. Let's call it towelie. Yeah, OK. The only way is... Oh, very good.

Yeah. Nice. So, as a result of this, Jack sent him a towel. Jack Sock. Socko, yeah. Not so cool, cos the sock... Suddenly you play for the England squad, Socker Towley. I would say the sock is at its lowest ebb in modern fashion.

What? Oh, you're so right. No, men don't... You're right, hipsters don't wear socks. No. Why not? Real men don't wear socks. You must have noticed, men.

Yeah. Don't you know that? Oh, real men, they don't wear socks. Did I miss a memo? I think you did. Really? No, they, man. Did I miss a memo? I think you did. Really? No, they don't wear socks anymore. I'm still happily wearing socks, except flip-flops.

When I'm wearing flip-flops, I don't wear socks. Okay, well, let me explain to you where you're going wrong. So the jeans have to be super tight. Japanese individual big toe socks. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen those? They're great. The look now, Frank.

I only use them when I do children's pop-it shows locally. That's quite often, in fairness. I can read a book at the same time. The Look Now is the medieval hose. Yeah. Keep them out of it. A.K.A. jeans. Yeah.

And the jeans finish on the ankle, don't they? Right. And then... And then we're talking a loafer. Is that what we're looking at here? But anything you like, really. Espadrille. Yeah, espadrille.

Kung fu slipper. Like a kung fu slipper. We'll talk. I saw British boxing icon Chris Eubank. I was having dinner at the Savoy. Lovely. And he went past and he'd got fair... I mean, he's not...

Well, he's 50, I should think. Yeah, I'd say so. It could be. Forgive me if I'm aging him. But he wore very skin-tight jeans, ripped at the knees. I know. In the Savoy?

I bet he's got quite a sizeable thigh. He has, yeah. Yeah. But ripped at the knees, not from saying his prayers, I shouldn't think. But no socks. No, no one wears socks. It's an endangered species. We live in a sockless society now.

And I'll tell you something, he'd left, I mean, a T-shirt, ripped jeans, shoes, that was it. He'd left his monocle on the hook. Oh, did he? No, he didn't have his monocle. You can't wear a monocle with that outfit. Not in this song. It'd burn your eye out. Socks are going the way of cash.

Oh. I don't like this depiction of the future. And box offices. And tennis. If we're going to carry on the tennis society. We ain't got no tennis. That'll be the next thing. If we're going to carry on the tennis society. We ain't got no socks. That'll be the next thing.

This is disturbing. But this is sock shop. I don't care. We ain't got no sock. Socks office. That's the shop I'm going to open. Socks office. Socks office.

I suppose office. What are you going to sell there, Frank? What do you think I'm going to sell? I mean, I think it would be confusing. Office would sue me, wouldn't they? Yeah. No, you could get... They could have an annex of office.

You know office? The shoe shop? Yeah. They could have... I mean, socks, you know, it's their sister. Their sister item. But given that no one buys socks, we've established... No, but they could have a little booth called Socks Office.

A booth? Yeah, in the shop. I don't think it's going to work, the booth, Frank. Well. I mean, is there a man behind the booth? You know when you go in sometimes and they say, you buy a pair of shoes and they say, do you want some...

Of the handbag? Some scotch guard. Yeah. For that. No, I don't know. I haven't come here for that. But you think they could also just... It's like you go and get a key, the bloke tries to sell you a sports trophy. Well, they do that.

They upsell the product. So you think they could upsell socks as they sell shoes? Because they might, if you've got shoes on, especially as probably a bloke turns up with no socks. Are those men going to buy shoes? Sockless. He's pointing now. And are they putting their dirty, sweaty feet into shoes,

trying them on in shops, and then we've got to put them on, or are they given a pop sock? That is a good question. Can we make that texting? How do you try on shoes if you haven't got socks on? I know it's a busy morning for the shoe shop workers, but if you've got the radio on in the shoe shop, do you allow men who've come in sockless to try shoes on?

Very pointy figure. I don't think I've ever seen him so, have you? You've never seen him so angry. I don't want to wake up with trench foot because some hipster has been trying the shoes on that I opted for. Also, I don't want to try on shoes. Well, that's not want to try on shoes. That's not going to happen.

Not only have I got trench foot, but I've also bought shoes that have been rejected by a hipster. I would say that's good. I like that. I'm always worried about shoe shop workers. I always think they're... Why? Something that attracted them about kneeling in front of people

while sort of holding their lower ankles. Right. That's not right. But towel gates, we were talking about towel gates. Oh yeah. I just feel like this guy has got a lot of publicity, the one that snatched the towel and got it. The old guy, so he's not old. Older.

Let's call him the non-Jew. Let's call him the guy. The adult. The adult. How old was the so-called child? So-called child? That's a good question. Because I read about it and it said like, and they snatched the tail from this child. And I imagine they'd be like a six-year-old

and a bloke about 84. Right. So it was a young, ordinary age bloke. The man would say, I'd say the young boy. Ordinary aged is a good classification. What would you say that was? Ordinary age bloke The man would I'd say the young boy Ordinary aged Is a good Is a good classification What would you say that was Ordinary aged Well

But anyway He wasn't a child Was it the other kid I would say he was 20 A child You think that old Yeah Goodness me

Oh I didn't think he was that old What did you think 16 I thought about 15, 16 Yeah I thought juvenile I thought I certainly thought Secondary school Because I thought If he gets that towel All, I thought juvenile. I certainly thought secondary school, because I thought if he gets that towel,

all he's going to do is flick other boys' buttocks with it. Yeah. That's all you ever did with towels when you were a teenager. You certainly don't wash with them. Totally fair enough. Not the one washes with towels. Well, now the man has become public enemy number one. He's on a level with Mary Bale Cat in a bin.

Yeah. The towel man. Yeah, it's ageism. Do you think so? There's a feeling. Yeah, there is. Just think, oh, come on now. That towel's going to last longer than you will. Let the youngster have it. It's all about

the youngster. Let them have it. I would say he leans over the guy to get the towel. This is very Sky analysis. He leans over. He's leaned over. In fact, you know what as well? So not only though, Wimbledon have sent him a towel, Jack Socks sent him a towel,

the US Open sent him a towel. His schoolmates' buttocks will be like stop lights on a traffic light. Well, and then when he sent the ordinary guy, as I like when he sent the ornery guy, as I like to call him,

the ornery aged guy, what have they sent him? A nappy? He's been publicly shamed. Poor fella. People are saying, if you know this man... Well, I wish I did know him. He looks like an okay bloke.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So we were talking about Wimbledon, Frank, and the man much sinned against. The much sinned against towel thief. But it was all... Can we not call him the towel thief?

Just reference towel thief. I like it because it sounds like the sort of film that would be a surprise Oscar winner. Yeah, it does. It's sort of made in Azerbaijan or something like that. The most talked about film of the year. Yeah.

A young boy, orphaned, finds a friend in the local laundry. And he's gone into Nikotel, the blokes caught him and then asked about his life and he's befriended him. In a world. Yeah. It's going to be one of those. Yeah, it is. The smell of saffron.

Anyway. But there was all sorts going on at Wimbledon Can I just say on the towel Can I say about the towel thing I was just talking to the cockerel off air About martial arts Lovely, I must have been doing my nails Yeah, of which he knows a lot about I wouldn't say

Well come on, more than me You know more than me, Al. Yeah, all right, let's go with that. Don't you think, it occurs to me, towel wrestling would be quite a good sport? Oh, yeah. So you get two people there, and you throw...

Like a sort of man-on-man tug-of-war. It's the reverse of throwing in the towel, because usually you throw the towel to end the fight. You throw in the towel, and they have to wrestle to see who ends throwing in the towel. Because usually you throw the towel to end the fight. You throw in the towel and they have to wrestle to see who ends up getting the towel. Is the towel dry? It could be. It's just so much heavier when wet.

What if it's a new towel? You know when they come and you can't get any... A bit of bobbly. They feel like they've been enameled. Oh, yeah. The waterproof. It would be really... It would be quite a difficult thing to work on your finger joints. Oh, yeah, That sounds good, actually. Yeah, the waterproof. That does sound good. It'd be really, it'd be quite a difficult thing,

you work on your finger joints. Oh, yeah, you're great. I'm just going to turn to the page for, I've got a notebook here, I just have a page of new sports. Yeah, new sports. The new sports that I'm inventing. Anyone at home wants to try, wants to try towel wrestling? Towel wrestling, one man tug of war.

Yeah. There we go. If there's any kids listening, start with a tea towel. Yeah. Yeah. Paper towel for the babies. That's There we go. If there's any kids listening, start with a tea towel. Yeah. Paper towel for the babies. That's a great idea. Well, for me. Anyway, sorry, you were... If you're lacking upper body strength, start with that.

So Nick Kyrgios, who's a bit of a, I'm going to go tennis bad boy. Yes, I think, if I remember rightly, a vague memory, didn't Nick Kyrgios kill a cat? Oh, did he? Didn't he?

Don't think so. Oh, no, curiosity. Oh, lovely. I knew it was something like that. Can't make stop. The look on your faces, you all thought, oh, my God, he's on Earth, something terrible about Nick Kyrgios. The slander or libel laws. I thought he was going to be married by all thought, oh my god, he's on earth something terrible about Nick Kyrgios. The panic at the slander or libel laws

was what we were worried about. I thought he was going to be married by all mark too. No, I think if that had happened, the police would nick Kyrgios. Very good. So, Kyrgios, I prefer just to call him Kyrgios. Tennis bad boy. Yeah. Tennis bad boy. He's out of Wimbledon. He went out in the first round, I believe due to a hip injury,

which is a bit last of the summer wine. Well, I don't know. It's last of the summer wine. Well, I don't know. It's last of the summer wine if it was a hip injury, but if it was a hip injury, which it sounds like the bloke he would have. No socks injury. Yeah, if he sprained his shoulder dabbing.

Now, he looks to me very good. Oh, man, I'm not looking for the box office now. Because you know about dabbing. I know about dabbing, all right. A hip injury, that'd be... Snowboarding, for example, that'd be a hip injury.

Yeah. Curious strikes me as a non-sock wearer, wouldn't you say? Oh, yeah. I bet he is on court, though, otherwise the chafing. That's true, actually. You do see some of the women players look like they're not wearing socks. I wonder if they've sneaked in a trainer sock. I think so.

Yeah, a trainer sock. I think so. But you do see the sockless female. Am I right, Sarah? I'd be surprised. You'd be surprised? Oh, voice of controversy on Absolute Radio. Can I tell you, I've seen loads of women playing in just trainers at Wimbledon.

So forget the Terrace Correspondent. That didn't last long. How long was she in that gog? 22 minutes? So anyway... Wasted time. Nick Kyrgios. Nick Kyrgios took out a young tennis hopeful. Oh, yes.

Chelsea Samways. I bet he was hopeful. I think he might have been. He was in the Flying Ants, he was, that night. Vinnie Samways? Well, I thought about Vinnie Samways, first thing I thought. Yeah. And, uh... So Chelsea Samways, he's called.

Yeah. He never played for Chelsea, Vinnie Samways, did he? But she's called Chelsea. She started out with Nick Kyrgios, didn't she? Till like three in the morning or something. It wasn't just one tennis hopeful. There was a blonde one as well. Oh, really?

He took out two. Legend! I know he was worried that the bloke in the blue polo shirt would turn up and drag one away. Cheering the gentleman's excuse me. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Vinnie Samways.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, Chelsea Samways. The 18-year-old tennis player that went out with Nick Kyrgios to a nightclub. And, you know others yeah yeah she had a late night her dad was pretty furious

he said she's grounded and she's been out all time of the night I don't like it and he also said something like that he'd like to knock Nick Kyrgios out yeah

and I thought you're making Nick Kyrgios sound pretty attractive. Yeah. This is what I am. When I told people I'd been impressed by Putin, this is how they responded. Yeah. What we should have said is...

Knock him out. They just make it more exciting by laying into it. Yeah, what the dad should have said is, yeah, I like Nick. He seems like a nice guy. You should see if he's the settling down type. Yeah. Also, I like him saying,

you've been out all time of the night. I'd like to knock him out. Who says knock him out? Yeah, I've heard that. I thought, what are you lot? Op it, you hooligans. But you know, like in those old films, that's what he sounds like, the dad.

No, he's proper... He also said, over 21st century is this, he said he's so upset that he's taken a car away. Oh, God. Oh, that's genuine deprivation. I couldn't drive at 18. No, I took a test when I was 17, and as you know, I knocked someone over on a zebra crossing.

Don't want to talk about it. Wow. What I liked, he said that when he was seen... I mean, again, am I losing touch now? It says when he was seen outside the nightclub, he was arm in arm with two girls. I mean, arm in arm. Were they dressed as pearly kings and queens? Do young people mean, arm in arm? Yeah. Were they dressed as pearly kings and queens?

Do young people still walk arm in arm? I didn't know that. And also, is that some sign of particular intimacy? Not particular. Well, they were seen going into bushes. Did you see the bushes photograph? They went into the bushes? Yes, the three of them.

No, I think they said they went into a park, didn't they? I saw bushes. It said a bush-surrounded park, so I saw one of those kind of them. No, I think they said they went into a park, didn't they? I saw bushes. It said a bush-surrounded park, so I saw one of those kind of parks. Brilliant. Why couldn't they go back to his place? This is like a whatever happened to, isn't it?

Whatever happened to going into the bushes on a date? This is brilliant. Well, I never went into the bushes. You didn't go into the bushes? I only went into the bushes if I was looking for adult magazines. Did you go into the bushes? I only went into the bushes if I was looking for adult magazines. Did you go into bushes? No further questions, your honour. No, I don't think they went... No comment at all?

I think they walked past bushes into some sort of parkland. No, they were going into the bushes, Frank. So where do three people walk into bushes? I'll show you the photograph. It's extraordinary. Well, there seemed to be some sort of opening in it. Oh, well, exactly. So they were going past, but it was a gate, actually, in a park. Oh, was it?

Yeah, they went into the park. That's fair enough. Oh, stop defending this, Sleazy Harreen. Yeah, yeah. You see, they're just doing some extra training at three in the morning after the nightclub. I wonder if they had one of those difficult decisions when you're walking, three of you are walking arm in arm.

Do you go sideways into the gate or do you break off? Because you never get three abreast into a... No, not through a normal-sized gate, you're right. The dad, I notice, is a plumber. He's the director of... Do you see the company? It's called Boiler Aid. Yeah, good for him. Which I think was Channel 5's answer to Comet Relief.

Less popular. Obviously at my age I read it. I thought it was a dating agency. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I'm thinking about something because I want to bring up someone who I would describe as a friend of the show, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to call him a friend of the show, because he's a somewhat controversial figure. Many of the friends of the show are controversial figures.

That's true. I mean, Frank espoused how he had a celebrity crush on Vladimir Putin last week. Yeah, with qualifiers, I should say. Yeah. Today of all days, let's make that clear. Well, it's Charles Bronson, Britain's most dangerous prisoner. Again, again, you're leading the witness. I love it when we talk tabloid.

Bad boy tennis star. Britain's most dangerous prisoner. And I believe he actually prefers to be referred to as Charles Salvador these days. Yes, yes. And he's quite a stickler for detail, I would imagine. The artist formerly known as Charles Bronson, isn't he? What is it? He loves art. He does.

I think he might watch your show in Chokey. I love to hear Chokey. He might, yes. Let's hope so. OK. Yeah. Anyway. He can't vote. I was going to say he can't vote, of course.

Good point. His release, I don't think, can be too far off. Really? Yeah, because he keeps... Well, no, I don't... He's not got long to go of his stretch. No, but he's... It started out...

He was sentenced to, like, three and a half years, but every now and again, he knocks some wardens' heads together or does a rooftop protest or covers himself in butter trying to escape. Well, haven't we all, dear? But he's now managed to extend it to a special flying ant day. He's extended it to 41 years, the sentence has been, I believe. I know, I mean, that's surely an office enough.

Anyway, he's released his meal planner for when he gets out. Yeah. Through the medium of his fiancée and the Daily Mail. Yeah. I think by the time he gets out, the average meal will be two astronaut tablets. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, because something's going to happen, isn't it?

He'll do something. I get the feeling. I don't want to pitch. I think he's quite volatile. Yeah, he might be a bit up and down. Yeah. Well, his meal plan, he had a list of breakfast and lunch and dinner,

and it's a sort of standard fare. There's quite a big amount of food in a typical day in this. I mean, I suppose it is hypothetical. We've all got eyes bigger than our belly, but he's packing away the calories. He works it off. I think he's a gym bunny. I don but he he's packing away the calories he works it off i think he's a he's a he's a gym bunny i don't think he's a gym bunny but i think he does this prison cell workouts like well doesn't have a gym don't know yeah but i don't think he's allowed in it in case

he starts swinging the weights into people that stuff okay oh stereotyping. Well, no, I was basically... I think he has written a prison cell workout book as well, which... Well, on his meal planner out, he's got... I mean, he's got six fried eggs on toast as part of his meal. And then his snacks list is what I'm rather obsessed by. Because his snacks list, for example, on a Monday, is 12 fairy cakes and fish and chips. Now, I don't consider fish and chips a snack. Do you?

No. Also, I hope he's not eating them in that order. That's the thing. You've got a problem with him. Pudding first. Yeah, I don't like the idea of him going pudding first at this stage. 41 years in. I suppose you're so desperate for variety.

Yeah. 14 pears on Tuesday. 14 pears. He chilled on Tuesday. 14 pairs. He chilled on Sunday. 14 pairs, or as Nick Kyrgios calls it, a two-week holiday. Yeah, he's got some strange choices in there, hasn't he? Four crumpets. Four crumpets.

Sorry, I'm back to Nick Kyrgios. No, no, I'm not. I liked his Friday. Some of it's a bit cartoony. His Friday evening is beef curry with ten cans of beer and a tub of ice cream. It doesn't sound as though he's that confident with spicy food there, does it?

I think I was. Ten cans of beer and a tub of ice cream. I would say he should stop off at the prison nutritionist on the way out. I think he's lost a bit of time. This 41 years ago is the sort of thing that people did eat. Right. But, you know, times have changed.

I think he should stop off at Holland and Barrett and have a rethink. Well, that's why he's having four pints of milk as well. That's on his liquid day. But see, when he went in... Loved his liquid day. I remember this. When I was a youth, milk was like the super...

The more milk you drank, the better. But now, people tell you it's bad for you. Oh no, I like milk. I like milk. You heard it here first. Ten pot noodles on his liquid day. Very, very light. I understand why he's after ten pot noodles.

Why he would hanker for that. Oh, go on then. Because as I understand it, they're not allowed pot noodles in prison. Why is that? In case they tie all the ends together. Oh, for a telephone. And use them to climb out of the window. Oh, I see.

You can't be too careful. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Friday, ten cans of beer. Yes, boss. Ten cans of beer,

four chicken legs, eight pickled eggs, five gold rings. He doesn't say that. A cartridge in a pear tree. Yeah, I bet he eats that as well. But I mean,

eight pickled eggs, that's on the snack section. Love it. The trouble is with prison food is because it's all... No, something you want to tell us. Because it's all eaten in the shadow of bars, everything looks like it's been barbecued. I didn't know you'd done a stretch.

Imagine if we found out Frank had done a stretch. Only in Pilates, darling. Oh, yeah. So his fiancée, Paula, said he doesn't expect, I believe he doesn't expect her to cook and buy all this. Well, I don't know, he's been in there 41 years, so he might not be aware of the change in the role of women in society. Well, I think her social media has her friends doing banter,

saying, oh, I hope he's not going to expect you to do it. You're going to be busy. And she said, he did say, all I have to do is literally feed him, not do the shopping or cooking. He's divided those jobs for our friends. Kiss, so watch out. Our friends? They've got shared friends?

You know what? Even though they met when he was in jail, they've got shared... What, they're not he was in jail, they've got a shared... Well, they're not having dinner parties, are they? What's this shared friends business? Also, if somebody said to me... Paul and Charles coming round tonight. Oh, no, that's awkward.

Yeah, if somebody said to me, Charles is coming out, watch out. I wouldn't be thinking, because he's going to make me cook. I was going to think he's going to wrench my head off. But maybe he's changed. Let's hope so. That's what they claim.

He's a changed man. I love a bit of prison reform. Do you? If I were... Remember, we had Boy George on the show once, and he talked about how prison really changed him for the better. It was lovely. Yeah.

If I was Charles Bronson, what I would do is... You know where he waxes, he very fiercely waxes his moustache into a sort of upturned, curled circus strongman moustache? He does. I would curl it downwards the other way and use it as a hands-free for corn on the cob.

Very good idea. Oh, that's a great idea. Absolutely full of them. Not just towel wrestling. Anyone listening with one of those moustaches, you can have that. It'd be like a sort of Bob Dylan harmonica holder. You could play a guitar and eat a corn on the cob at the same time. We've all wanted to do that.

Very useful for those keen practicers that don't want to take too long a snack break. Exactly. When you get obsessed with the guitar, you don't want to stop for a meal. I'm guessing these kind of portions are not generally available at Her Majesty's prison. Would that be true to say?

Well, I think it depends on who you know, doesn't it? Well, I know. In the prison. You might be able to get a bit of snout. Right. Frank, it's changed since you were doing your stretch. It's all changed here. Well, it's all right. It's your stretch. It's all changed, dear. Well, it's all right.

It's been decriminalised now, so I'm OK. But he also likes two pints of squash. I mean, Frank, you're a lemon barley fan. That is a lot, isn't it? But two pints, Frank. Why does he measure everything in pints? Because he's old school. He's old school.

What do you think? It's like George Best, God rest his soul, when he used to have pints of wine was his favourite. I believe Shane McGowan's a fan of it. But we'd gone decimal more than 41 years ago, hadn't we? Yeah. He loves a pint, though. Behind the curve, though, isn't he?

I'm going to make a guess about Charles Bronson, and I don't want to stereotype the man. We're all God's chillin'. I bet you he mixes his squash way too strong I bet it's like a squash top I bet there's hardly any water in it I bet if an ordinary person had a swig of it

dislocate your jaw but he's so strong I mean I'm guessing he dilutes it, I'm not 100% on that right, yeah, you think he might be like kombucha, that gorilla that got in and just drank five liters of Ribena. Was that his name? Kombucha?

I love that you remembered his name. That's brilliant, yeah. It broke out seeking Ribena. He went cray-cray, yeah. He went cray-cray. He did go cray-cray. No, it wasn't at the McCaw. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute dream. Oh, yes, I'll tell you what. I don't know if you remember, but I was talking the other week about how I must get myself a salt cellar because in the modern-day salt grinder thing, I haven't got enough hands to hold a hard-boiled egg and then put salt on it.

Because you need two hands to operate a grinder. That's a problem. It's not my only grinder problem. No. But we'll leave it there. Yep. So a guy called, I think it's... He's going to be busy today.

I think it's pronounced Barkie. Yeah. Yep. So, a guy called, I think it's... He's going to be busy today. I think it's pronounced Barkie. Yeah. Yeah. Rob Barkie, or maybe, B-A-R-C-I, sent me, not only did he send me what he calls a set of salt and pepper shakers, he refuses to go crew it in the vocabulary. But as far as I'm concerned, he sent me a crew it,

each of which were the Tardis. Oh, excellent. I may have told you I had Dalek ones, and I dropped one and lost the soccer. Oh, that's a shame. And he also, as a bonus, got me an egg cup holder in the shape of a lower Dalek body. Excellent.

You've done well, haven't you? Yeah, if I can get a Davros egg, it'd be absolutely perfect. That would be very good. Thank you, Rob, for that. It's actually properly delighted me. He then goes on to ask me something about why dogs smell each other's bottoms. It's breakfast radio, Rob.

I will say this, the good thing about having a TARDIS salt and pepper shaker is that you can fit in more than you expect. Lovely, Al. Of course. You know what I enjoyed about it? Was that Frank was opening them at the same time I was opening my birthday presents.

He didn't even let me have that. That five minutes. No, I actually liked it, Frank, because it took the pressure off for the response. You know the reaction there? All eyes on me. All eyes on me. Does she like it?

Is it going to be okay? And Frank just took the edge off, all eyes on me, all eyes on me. Does she like it? Is it going to be okay? And Frank just took the edge off, which I liked. Very good at opening gifts, though you are. Was I? Very good. But I was able to just, because Rob wasn't there, I could just be natural and enjoy the gifts for what they were. It wasn't a performance.

Yeah, you could frown whilst opening them if you wanted to, couldn't you? When the people who got the gifts are watching you open the gifts, I mean, you're never off. The pressure. I was on this morning, wasn't a performance. Yeah, you could frown whilst opening them if you wanted to, couldn't you? When the people who got the gifts are watching you open the gifts, I mean, you're never off. The pressure. I was on this morning, wasn't I? Emily was brilliant at being pleased with gifts. She was quite actually indifferent to it. Look, I can just say it's a really good skill of mine, gift opening.

It's great. It's absolutely marvellous. But thank you for the presents. Mine's tiptoeing. And thank you for Dog Monthly, Frank. Which Frank said to me, to Emily, lots of love, Niles and Barkie. I mean, come on.

Very good. So... We've also had a bit of umbrella hat news, Frank. Yes, I've heard about this. You've been a keen... I've always said... ...espouser of the joys of the umbrella hat. When I first saw the umbrella hat,

which, as you know, is an umbrella that clamps to the skull, basically, I thought to myself, that is the end of the handheld umbrella. That's it. And I was thinking about doing quite heavy investing in the umbrella hat. I thought I'd missed the boat. Anyway, it didn't take off. But this week...

Well, it did with one character. It's got some star-attached quality now. A certain Jürgen of Klopp has been spotted on his holiday in Ibiza with the umbrella hat on. So that's going to look cool in Ibiza at one of those beach clubs, isn't it? Yeah.

It's getting hard in here. Jürgen, you've got an umbrella hat on. I know, but he's a busy man. That's the great thing about him. He's doing transfer deals. He's probably having corn on the cob. Whatever. Maybe he's having hard-boiled egg

and putting a bit of salt on. He's not having to hold anything with the umbrella. Very convenient. I'm just relieved for him he's met his life partner. Right. He's going to be wearing things like that. That is the sort of thing you can do once you've already popped a ring on it. You can just put an umbrella hat on and not worry about it. It's true. You can't wear

that without an engagement ring. If he was on holiday as a single man with the lads there's no way that umbrella hat would be on that head. I think you'd be able to dance a slow song better than if you were holding an umbrella at the same time it might be worth pointing out i would say it frees your hands up for courting yeah yeah it might be worth just pointing out that he was wearing this for shade rather than for

room yes it is protection i accept that or anti-rain obviously but yeah i mean really what he was wearing was a parasol hat, if we're going to be. Absolutely. Because he was using it too. He looked absolutely terrible. I wondered if it could replace not just the umbrella, as you pointed out, but it might even replace the need for sunglasses.

Or sunblock. Well, interesting, because he wears glasses. But what he'd done, I don't know if you noticed, he'd taken the stems off his glasses and suspended them from the inner framework of the umbrella. They were just hanging there. I did not spot that, but that is a good shout. And apparently he used the two stems now

for his action man ice hockey tableau. You can use that for your TV work, because you were saying earlier they don't like the sunglasses on the TV. No, exactly. But, you know, I had problems with Jurgen Klopp, if you remember, in the early days. I do remember.

He was dismissive of West Bromwich Albion's tactics. Yeah, but I also remember that you allowed him back into your affections when he confessed to being a Catholic. No, he's not a Catholic, but he does follow the Nazarene. Oh, does he? Yeah, he's not in the leading pack like I am, but he's there. He's certainly there. Not that you're fickle

in your affections. He likes football, of course. Well, that's a very clear route in if you want to get into Frank's affections. Oh, man, you've got so much in common with Jurgen Klopp. The umbrella hat.

But I tell you what, the weird thing is is that you suggest, certainly, Emily, that he should have been embarrassed to be seen in a hat. Au contraire you say. I would have been more embarrassed by

his other hat that he was seen in which was a baseball cap which had got his initials on. Yeah JK. Yeah. What it should have been. What if he had a hat with JK on and when you saw it it was a big furry one with horns.

That's where that went. Also, the baseball cap is a bit Make America Great Again now, isn't it? Yeah, it is. But having his initials on that surprised me. Back to the brawling, that's my advice if you're listening, Jürgen. Jürgen, I'm calling him now. Are you? Yeah. No. It's an accident.

They call Jose Mourinho, they say, so why not Jürgen Klopp? Yeah. Well, that's a different country, isn't it? Wow. Anyway. Now I think we can afford to call it Europe. Yes.

All those countries. We do what we want these days. I think we should call it that Europe pretty soon. Over there. We'll just call it that. Thank you so much for listening this morning it's been a joy and

bring on the feathers you're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio want your Frank fix a little sooner listen live every Saturday

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