The Frank Skinner Show - The Frank Skinner Show - Sonic Screwdriver

Episode Date: November 1, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank is joined by Em and Steve 'trading places' Hall. The team discuss Halloween parties, fleeting TV appearances and Robbie Williams's birth vlog.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. Why don't you text the show on 8-12-15? Some of you already have, what about that? Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, Steve is a guest with us this morning. And you've already insulted his clothes.

Could you say what you said this morning? It was awful. He looks like a homeless man who's found a jacket. I then did add and say, did you find that on the Northern Line? Yeah, and ironically, this is the only suit jacket that I've ever had tailor-made. Yeah. Did you have trousers? There are trousers with it as well okay tragic steve if you if you could only afford the jacket i'm saving i couldn't afford them they were they were a gift as well so you know if you saved up for the trousers and then by the time you got them the jacket was a bit worn ironically thisically, this morning, you've come as Ian Stone. It's sort of Ian Stone crossed with the cockerel.

I don't know. I look like no disrespect to Ian Stone, but will people know what he dresses like? No disrespect at all. Well, he does radio, so will people know when he... I think of him as a radio hero. But you've gone with a jeans jacket, which is very much the ocean colour scene,

Alan Cochran territory. Yeah, I mean it's not my look at all today. No. But I was quite fatigued and I wanted to dress a bit like I was in bed to reassure myself. I've still got my hairdo from last night but that's another story. We'll get on to that. Yes. You look great.

Can I say that? I do. Thank you for noticing. Is that to balance out? One side of the room gets the praise, the other... You look like you nabbed a jacket off a homeless. No, I never said that. You did say that. No, I said you were a homeless who's found the jacket. Oh, I see. I do apologise.

Don't diss the jacket. That's infinitely preferable, Steve. I'm saying you're letting the jacket down. Thanks. Anyway, we got there. Steve, welcome to the show. It's always lovely to have you on. We got there. Where is there?

Somewhere terrible. Clarity. That's where we got. This is the nice thing. Ordinarily, the abuse spreads itself over the first hour, whereas I'm getting it all in the first link. Oh, no, there's more to come, darling. Oh, is there?

Excellent. It's like when you put one of those wash tablets in and it goes in solid form and then steadily disperses. I don't think that jacket's had any wash tablets. This is a Tom Sweeney, let me have you know. A Tom Sweeney? Yeah. Was that good? Yeah, not bad.

I'll take that. Okay. I'm out. I'm out on not bad. I have to ask Emily about cloth. I'm out. I'm out on not bad. I have to ask Emily about cloth. I'm not touching cloth. Not on this show. Delighted you said that. Thank you.

OK, we have heard from the outside world. We have indeed. We've had an email from Ben Weeks at the beginning of the show to discuss... No, but thanks for the tip. ...the end of the show. Ben says, This search for a new ending to the show is folly, in my humble opinion. Now Get Out

for me is the definitive show ender, as long as it's the classic version. Are we also now to hear less of The Guardian or a novel by Beryl Bainbridge, the latter of which he has used in conversation himself and has in that way discovered a fellow reader of the show?

It's a bit sleazy. It's a good point. I mean, I feel a bit like when Dylan went electric and the fans didn't like it. Well, I do like No Get Out, I must admit. Maybe you're right. Maybe if you do the other one, if enough people shout Judas in the Dylan style at their radio. Well, maybe you can shout Judas later on when I try the other one, if enough people shout Judas in the Dylan style at their radio.

Well, maybe you can shout Judas later on when I try them all. I think you'll be shouting all sorts of things after this morning. Yeah, I do, if I'm going to be honest, Frank, which you know I will, I find there a very difficult pause at the end of the show. I feel stiff with stress as we approach the ramp. But sometimes, you know, an artist has to go through difficult, dark passages in order to find another truth.

So is that your tin machine phase? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but has he come out? I don't know. I was going to say, has he come out? He hasn't come out. He doesn't need to come out. No. No, I don't think he's...

I don't care, frankly. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, the modern-day thing, you find yourself in it. Just the topic, I feel strangled by. Oh, shall we play some music? Yes. Then I can have a rubdown with half a fire brick, as my dad used to say.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. We've had a tweet in, a couple of tweets in, actually, not just the one. Seems you're something of a celebrity these days, Frank. You were in Mail Online, I believe, this morning. What, the sidebar of shame?

Yeah, you were in the sidebar of shame. Arwen Thomas says, um, not a Who fan. Yeah. Okay. I hear you. So I ask the question, was Frank dressed as Peter Capaldi's doctor last night, crossed with Tommy Cooper? Um, no.

I know what you addressed us. Go on. Well, it's not just me that knows what you addressed us, because one of our other readers has said, Hi, Frank, I loved your 11th Doctor outfit at Jonathan Ross's party last night. Uh-huh. There you go, that's from Mary Rose.

There you go, that's lovely. Thank you very much. I can see, because I've seen photos where you're wielding the sonic screwdriver. Yes. Oh, my God, he kept getting that sonic screwdriver out all night. There is an element in the delivery, in the screwdriving, there is a nod to Cooper.

There is a kind of reverse the polarity of the neutron field just like that. This is the man who's turned up today as trade in places. No, I loved having the Sonic. I've never owned one before. I don't, you know, I don't really go into the toys element of it. I was really worried you were going to be

Perkins last night. Oh, I know, that would have been the worst thing if I'd have turned up. I really thought you were going to be Perkins with the hat. Wouldn't people have been appalled and then talked about me behind my back and said, oh, that's great, and said, oh, God, he's actually come as a character from God's hand. It would almost be worth doing

if I could hire a secret film crew to operate eight feet behind me to get the reactions and then make that a documentary. Wouldn't that be a good idea for a documentary, doing deliberately crass things and record the reactions of those around you i thought you were sort of doing that sometimes you know sorry frank um sorry can we can we rewind i like that you gave a little nod there was an

homage to the doctor frank without it being in your face and i like that it was one of those homemade outfits i'll be honest i mean I mean, it wasn't elaborate. Emily went as Dead Dorothy. Yeah, Zombie Dorothy. Like something really bad had happened in that tornado, something dark. But guess what, Frank? I didn't have any fake blood,

so I had to use Dior nail polish, red nail polish. That must be the most expensive dog blood. That's our text team. What's the most expensive dog blood. That's our text team. What's the most expensive dog blood substitute you've ever used? Yeah, I had that on photo. Listen to this. I'm just going to check out the mic with the sonic. Seems to be okay.

We had to go into this. We were at Jonathan Rossi's. Have we said that? Jonathan Rossi's Halloween party. I wasn't at the party. I was begging in the gutter outside. Well, at least you got that jacket. You did well.

Jimmy Carr arrived in that jacket last night. That's why he doesn't have any shoulders. So, we... Or the AT. We... I think he does, that one. OK. No, we had to go into this, like, horror maze where really terrible things...

You say terrible, it's a fun thing. It's not actually... Well, you say fun, but I'm always genuinely frightened and slightly relieved to have got out. Clips have failed, Jonathan. And I was really glad I had the sonic with me because it was like dark doors that we had to

go through and I found myself as I got to the door just checking it out. You were wielding it. It was really reassuring. I wonder if the doctor ever does that if he wakes up and he can't find a light and so he can't get his mobile. Exactly. He just checks what the time is with his sonic.

Yeah, the doctor goes to the en suite with his sonic so he doesn't fall out or anything on the way. Hank, what about Kate Moss? Ah, well, you see, I've never met Kate Moss before. Really? Loser. And it was quite, It was quite significant. Yeah, it was a big moment.

Yeah, we'll come back to this. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so we were about to go into the horror maze. At Jonathan Ross' party. And David Baddiel said to me... He was dressed essentially as his father. Yeah, and he was talking to some young woman

and then he said to me, Frank, and it was Kate Moss, and I said, oh, hello. And I thought, wow. I finally met someone who is, like, I mean, beyond the cool thing. Someone from the planet cool. And it was quite, it was kind of really... And she leaned on this wall and it wasn't a wall, it was a curtain. And she did one of those Del Boy things.

She went flying. Oh, dear. I mean... I mean, she looked great, but she went flying. She did, and I didn't... Well, I think I said, actually, it's not a wall, it's a curtain, as if she hadn't realised it by then. You did say that.

Yes, but... I ended my life. It was still quite exciting, you know, super... I don't make that many supermodels, I'll be straight with you, but it was... God, it was very... Very false. Was she laughing or was she in pain or...?

No, she laughed a bit. Did she? Did you think she... Yeah, I think she... You know, the cool never truly laugh. I think it's fair to say that. That's the only way we sort of

reassure ourselves that it isn't great to be part of that world. The way you've described it, I now very much have an image of her saying, let's play a cool trick. We could be on to a winner here. What about when Got Kwan actually said to me, you look fabulous, and I think he might have then said girlfriend. He honestly said those words to me,

which I thought was just an urban myth that he said that. Yeah, he took my picture. He said, you look fabulous, girlfriend. I didn't know he was there. Did you not? Did I meet him? You've got to bear in mind, everyone has got heavily made up with monster outfits,

so you can miss some. It's quite a challenge for the tabloid people, because it's that bit more difficult to see. The pictures of Adele, because she's behind a veil or something like that. We didn't see her, Frank. Did we, Adele? I've no idea. What about when Frank went in to ask him, tell the readers, Frank, what did the paparazzi ask you?

Who did they ask for? I think you told me this last night. Not you they're interested in, me. Oh, yes, they did. They did say, is Emily coming tonight? I mean, what is that about? They might be long-time readers of the show. What is that about

they're out too late to listen to this show regularly the only the real kick would if they followed that up with them where's the cockerel yeah where's wicked stevia yeah where's charlie where's bob so i was it's gareth coming i was uh when i was in the horror maze as well, there was a bit where something started tickling my neck and I went, what is, what is it? And there was nothing there and I realised, it happened to me again outside and I realised it was the tassel on my face. I was taking my own horror effects. Did you see the community police officer? That was a real person. Well, I didn't realise that, so, yeah. I got myself in a little bit of trouble, I'm afraid.

I was rude to her. Because she said, look at Dorothy wandering around like she owns the place. Yes. That didn't go well, did it? No, but doesn't she know that's your natural manner? That sounds like a community not particularly supportive officer. Jimmy Carr grabbed her radio and started talking into it.

Oh, he's a character. Is he preparing for the next 20 years of his career? No, he's confessing. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. I've just spilled coffee everywhere. Have you? Oh, no. Sorry, that'll teach you to mock Kate Moss.

Nearly falling over. That's hubris, that is. Yes. Clean it up, Charlie. That was a joke, that was a joke. Peanut up, Charlie. Um, I, uh... That was a joke. That was a joke. Well, she is cleaning it up.

It wasn't that much of a joke. Don't tell them. Oh, sorry. There'll be people watching it on their webcams, apparently. Some people pay for this. Do we still have webcams, Daisy? This is very specialist interest if they're paying to watch this. Yeah.

Um, anyway... It's not like it's got a sort of Andy Warhol fear to it. I went trick-or-treating last night. Did you? Completely accidentally. What happened? Well, we went to a fancy dress party in the week, a children's Halloween party,

where the adults didn't dress up but the kids did yeah and um my son bars went as a as a bee so we might as well go the whole yeah so he's like he's dressed as a big bee with antan iron you know the stripes thing wings you know bees and And he... So, when I was at that, I just thought to myself, why do we ever dress kids in normal clothes at all? Because they look so much cooler, you mean, in fancy dress. Well, they love dressing up, and it's brilliant to have all these, like, miniature dressed-up things. Yeah.

So, for the first time, I truly... It's like Strange Carn carnival isn't it yeah I truly understood Wayne and Colleen Rooney who used to dress up their kid all the time if you remember and I thought that's weird it's brilliant

anyway so as it was Halloween night we decided to take him just for a walk up the road in his bee outfit and put some little skull lights around his head so he glowed in the dark that's nice. But I always assumed, and maybe this is true

in some areas, our readers might help us out with this, the trick or treat was a kind of a menacing way of getting confectionery from a pensioner and stuff like that. Well it didn't exist in my day I must say. This time of the year we'd have been out on the street begging with a guy forks.

Not realise that we were being... Pre-Cromwell. Yeah, we were being trapped into anti-Catholic propaganda. It's a pretty intimidating thing. I lived in Bow for a long time, and I got knocked on the door once, and two incredibly heavy-set 16-year-olds said trick-or-treat. But then when I gave them a cherry bakewell, they were delighted.

Really? Yeah, it was... Is that the woman from Box Fizz? Just happened to be in your house at the time. I hope you ripped her skirt off first. Making your mind up. We used to put, my sister and I would put shaving foam on the windows of the gated community where we lived.

Not just if they gave, if they didn't give us anything, it was just they gave us something we didn't think was good, good enough. So if the sweets weren't up to scratch, we'd still go and do something, yeah. So it was trick or good enough treat. Yeah. It had to be a Ferrero Rocher. Or Fabergé egg. Well, we...

I had no intention of doing this, because I've always been quite hostile about it. And what I didn't realise is if you walk round the street with a small child dressed as a bee with skull lights on, that people actually stand on their front doorsteps with sweets waiting for trick-or-treaters to come along. Do they? So, yeah, so we were um we were solicited

on in trick-or-treating things so he'd be beckoned from the street which is really funny because cat my girlfriend kath is a woman who thinks he should live on um macrobiotic carrot juice. I mean, she's like that. And no salt, no sugar, no fun. That's the food list. And they were giving him, like, bounties and stuff like this. And it's funny where you find horror in Halloween. If you look at Cat's face... He's become his own honey trap, while dressed as a bitch. he's become his own honey trap well dressed as a bee

well yeah it's what your idea of horror is because when we were at the party last night and on our way to the horror maze the only true expression of horror I saw all night was just outside the maze when Emily said,

I'm sorry, I don't queue. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a tweet in, Frank, from Classic Phil. He says, did Frank ever talk about the Observer article that compared Frank to the Great Train Robbery insider? No, it was, um,

yeah, what happened is one of the guys that was involved in the Great Train Robbery, um... He was called the Ulster Man. Yeah, there was a secret man that they never got. Yeah, the Ulster Man. Mr. Big, sort of. Yeah, he helped them plan the crime. Not Mr. Big. They got him. Never finished a sentence.

He'd say, going down the... Dot, dot, dot. They called him in prison. He never finished a sentence. They didn't. You know why? Because they're not smart enough. That's why they're in prison.

We're out. It's the Ulster, man. So this prison, this guy who was involved in the robbery Because they're not smart enough. That's why they're in prison. Whereas the Ulster man... Yeah, so this prison... This guy who was involved in the robbery was explaining to an interviewer or something who the secret man was, and he said he looked a lot... looked exactly like the comedian Frank Skinner. No, he said something like,

all I can say about him. Yeah. Did you then get a knock on the door from the police the next day? Well, um... You could have Phil Collins playing you in a movie. I would have been a challenge in the identity parade. Yeah. I imagine he's... Is he still around the Ulster man? Um, I don't

know. If you're listening... I've yet to confirm that. If you're listening, send a snap in. I could have gone as him last night. That would have been a bonafide Halloween character, wouldn't it? The Ulster Man. Have you come as... Obviously.

I could have just gone normally. Would be great. Because if you said I'm the Ulster Man, people might think it's a really obscure Alan Moore graphic novel. Yeah. They'd be too ashamed to admit they didn't know what it was. Exactly. Do you know what I love about this?

Or zombie Ian Paisley. It says the name and the fact that, as this gentleman later recalled, McKenna, which says the name and the fact that, as this gentleman later recalled, McKenna, which is the name of the Ulster man, looked like the comedian Frank Skinner were all he knew. But now a documentary team have used those clues to trace the Ulster man. So they've used the fact that he looked like you. Surely when they did the, you know, they did the reconstruction.

You need to get Hayman or something. Surely I'll be used in the reconstruction bits. And you know what? It's a great train robbery. I'm just saying, you've got the costume. Yeah, you've got the outfit. Move those sacks! I'll be falling over those! Frank, can we just take it down a little bit

next time? I'd say we need a new expert. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. I said don't hit anyone. Frank, darling, that's lovely. Just a little bit less big this time. Okay, yeah. What I was trying to do is I was trying to find...

I'm imagining it's quite a dynamic situation for the Ulster man here. So he might be a bit loud and a bit overstated. I get what you were trying to do. Okay, okay. Just take it down a bit. One more time. Can we go again? Okay, yeah, sure.

Okay, absolutely quiet, please. And cue Frank. But I said don't hit anyone. What do you think? What do you think? Is that any better? It's gone a bit in bruge now. Oh, okay.

Can I just have a minute? Can I get a tea, actually? It's all right if I get a... Yeah, just... I just need a moment. Okay, thanks. Steve? Can I get a tea, actually? It's all right if I get a... Yeah, I just need a moment. OK, thanks. Steve, can I get a tea? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I thought your gentle Ulsterman there was very Tom Pauling. Oh. Yeah. Very, very passable Tom Pauling. I thought it was more like Tar Pauling. Sort of a bit thick and not that flexible. Hmm. But you know, this is a nice little shop window for you.

Just with any other gigs that are coming up. Yeah. Nice way to do your little auditions by stealth. Well, the acting work is flooding in as you can imagine. Have you had quite a few offers? Have you had any offers? No. Be totally honest. No. Anyway, I'm thinking more fancy dress.

That's the way forward. Drop hints. Go, you know, I need to go to more fancy dressing. I have to say, I did think, Les, although I wasn't, you know, my costume, as I say, was a bit homemade, I did think, why don't we do fancy dress more in London? Why does it have to just be once a year?

You know when people, you know, some days you get up and you have a thought about wearing something a bit different that day. You know those days when you think, you know, it's a bit warm, I'm going to go spaghetti strapped. Why don't you think, you know, you know what, today I'm going to go to work, I think gendarme. Yeah. You know, today I'm going to get to wear, I think, gendarme. Yeah. You know, and I'm wearing the moustache and everything.

And go as a lovely French policeman. But would that, why is that, would that be bad? It's no different from thinking, you know, I might have a different hairstyle. Well, it's great fun with kids, getting to dress Buzz up as a bee. Polly is four months old so it was her first Halloween and she's in this harness she's got dodgy hips

so she's in a pavlik harness Keep it light. It's all good. She's in this harness and so my wife, they had a Halloween baby gathering and so she turned it into a parachute outfit. Oh, that's good.

That is an excellent idea. I like that. She customised an old umbrella, and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. But was it unlucky indoors? Yes. Will that child look back on that when her career hasn't turned out the way she hoped?

Anyway, yeah, so it's been a childish week, really. I've been dressed up and I've had a sonic screwdriver. And also I got sent... Steve, you'll understand this. I got sent a Gotham City Police Department police badge. I was like, Elvis! Yeah, well, it wasn't from... Well, Gotham City doesn't exist, which is one problem.

I'm so glad you finally accepted that. That's why it wasn't from the real place. I did find myself saying, it wasn't from the real ones. There is a new... I'm not here to plug programmes, but I'm loving, I must say, Five's new series, Gotham. It's on Channel 5. Yeah.

Do you remember that? No, I just think that's very with it of you. Can you get it? Can you get it? Can everyone get it now? I think just about. Yeah. It's a bit like... Frank, please don't tell me it's an American procedural crime drama.

Because you are out of the studio. I'll tell you what it is. And I know I never watch American things. No, or box sets. However, I think you'll see why I watch this one. It's because it's Gotham City just before Batman became... When Batman was still a boy. OK.

So, you hear people say things like, here, that guy, he walks just like a penguin! You think, well, yes, well, remember, remember you said that. That's very enjoyable for those who enjoy a bit of foresight. He's on, frankly. That's got to be tricky for each one. If there's a little kid and he's having a little bit of a wee, he's a little riddler.

Yeah. The riddler's in it, in his seminal form. But if you saw young Bruce Wayne and thought, I bet he's going to become a crime fighter, would you have had Bruce Foresight? You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner FM Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Trading Places Hall You can text us on 8 12 15, follow the show on

Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio Webby How do you feel about that little moniker Steve Trading Places Hall? Well, I'm hoping people have listened to the first bit of the show because it could be very, very much misunderstood as a nickname. Well, I think one good thing about it is that,

although you look like a homeless man who's found a nice jacket, you also are trading places with the Cockroach. Indeed, it's got a double... I'm glad to think what he's wearing. Double moniker, as I once heard the cheeky girls described. Which Gabrielle was very, I think, felt very dismissed about. They were on the old chat show once. Do you remember when...

Frank, answer the question. They were in a sketch on my chat show. Were they on your chat show? Yeah. Their mother... do you remember when she started going out with them be open gabrielle yes and margaret margaret the um mrs cheeky old ma cheeky she said you know they they have very intellectual discussions i heard that they were talking about astronomy and i thought that's fantastic but I heard that they were talking about astronomy. And I thought, that's fantastic.

But I knew what they were actually talking about. I'm certain. Yeah, I'm certain too. It was Lembit's theory that a massive meteor is heading towards the Earth and will hit it. I think they were more likely talking about astrology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Lembit has got that. He has got that thing.

Anyway, the police badge I got sent. Here's my point. Now, in a weekend where I have brandished the Sonic screwdriver, I love the green glow on my microphone foam when that happened. How do you think, can I wear the Gotham City Police badge without people thinking I'm absurd? That's some T.S. Eliot poem. Well, OK, how are you going to style it up?

Well, I'm just going to put it on a lapel. What's the jiquito? Is it leather? Because you're going to need to leave this room immediately. I don't think I can wear it. I can't really. I have got one. You have got a leather jacket. Is this the beginning of your next big casting campaign? I've got...

If Gotham survives another couple of seasons. I'm actually trying to... It won't the first time. No, I'm actually trying to get into the village people. Can I ask... Not all of them, obviously. Hang on. Can I ask you a question?

Yes. What are you hoping to achieve as a result of wearing the badge? What in your fantasy scenario would someone come up to you and say in the street if you had the Gotham badge? The truth is, and this is what justifies it, I don't need anything from anyone else. I just like the idea of wearing a Gotham City Police badge. And it frustrates me that I'm too old to wear it. And I...

You know, I mean, there are certain things... I mean, I almost never now wear that. You know those leather trousers of mine with the side lacings? I almost never... Heavens, I do, yes. Almost never wear those. But can't I just wear a denim jacket with a Gotham City police badge on? Why is that wrong?

Steve? I say go for it. I say be who you are. Dress up as Commissioner Gordon. I can wear it sort of ironically on the outside, but in the inside I'm actually fighting crime. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I've had communication. This is from Alison, who says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve. Oh, it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl. But the way you look at the shit, you were not impressed. We'll have to start paying, both of you stop it. Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve.

I need help going to the boss's birthday party tonight at a Chinese buffet karaoke. I can't sing well. You're not the only one. It's a mixture of the Orientals, isn't it? Chinese buffet karaoke. I need to sing a song. Any suggestions? Any suggestions?

Thank you, Steve. You need to sing a song, okay. Gratefully received. So a song for someone who can't sing so three lions oh oh oh sit down oh i i thought you were a bit too keen to read that anyway while that last song was playing your eyes were a light yes as as i and a machete was being raised As a machete was being raised. I was... Here's a thought. I was once out of karaoke where the man from Aqua got up.

You know, do you remember? I'm a Barbie girl. I thought you were going to go Del Monte, but you went Aqua. But he was a man who said, come on, Barbie, let's go party. And he got up and they played Barbie Girl and he did those bits on a karaoke and he missed one of his cues. He came in a bit late on it. Awful.

So that's not too challenging. What about Tully Savalas? Hit on it. Awful. So that's not too challenging. Well, I always go... Telly Savalas. If a picture paints a thousand words... You could do one of those. I don't know if they have that, Frank, on most karaoke modern machines. But you can do it with any...

That's the trick, is to find a song that involves mainly talking. Yeah, like me. She dig my money... Park life. When I'm in need... If you can't sing, park life. Because it like me. Park life. Park life. When I'm in need. Stop that. You can't sing park life.

Oh, yeah. Because it's mainly spoken word. Yeah, but you could change any song into a spoken word. As William Shatner proves on his various albums. Mr Tambourine Man. Let the sky fall. Let it crumble. Oh, that would be quite good.

Yeah. So what are we suggesting then? I wouldn't do an Adele song, that's probably a mistake. No. I would go Johnny Cash, because you can sort of... Yeah, Johnny Cash is good. Don't go Abba or something like that. I hate it when they do that. It's a bit hen-like, isn't it?

I was thinking, does it need to be Chinese buffet themed? Should they sing something that's sweet and sour? I'm not organising this particular one. I'm going to say Ring of Fire. It's not very challenging. Absolutely terrible idea. And in that case, if the Chinese buffet isn't very nice. I think that's a terrible idea.

It's confirmed bad. No, that's a good call. I've done Ring of Fire many times at karaoke. By Name Sue, that's just talked. You're getting too obscure now. You've got to keep it light. I told him when I was three and he didn't leave much for my mar-a-mages, this old guitar and an empty

bottle of booze. He'd be all right with that, wouldn't he? I'm finding this profoundly depressing. One piece at a time. I'm going to do hurt in a minute. That's a karaoke. Okay. Absolute, Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to talk about Robbie Williams. Oh, well. Do we? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we do.

We are morally obliged to discuss Robbie Williams. If you didn't see, he is a father for the second time. They've had a son, Charlton Valentine Williams. If you didn't see, he is a father for the second time. They've had a son, Charlton Valentine Williams. Okay. And he decided to live blog the entire Labour and was putting up videos. He went full Monty.

Did he? Yeah. I didn't see that bit. I must look that up. He's still a handsome man. He's a handsome man. See, when you've got those eyes, even when you age, you'll always be good-looking. Oh, he's got lovely Scouse blues.

Oh. Yeah, anyway, so, yes, he... I mean, he didn't blog anything graphic. It was nothing rude. It was various jolly japes of him singing while his wife was in labour, and then... That was quite brave. And then at the end, there was a little video of both of them.

It was indicated that she was part of it. They'd discussed it beforehand. It was all part of the birthing plan. Yes. Yeah. And then two days later, he announced a world tour. She wore Louboutins. Lovely.

Respect. That's, um... That's... You don't often see Louboutins coming out of a stirrup. You do in my house. Do you? What, you've got your own stirrups? I suppose

wherever you feel comfortable in bed is fine. I mean, I get that thing. If my shoulder's actually on the pillow, any part of the pillow is under my shoulder. Honestly, that's one of my most unpleasant things. Do you know what I mean? If there's a little, just a corner, even if it's just the pillowcase and the paddies,

I can't have anything under the shoulder. I'll ask you a question. How many pillows do you use? One. Really? Definitely. You're so Spartan. I have about four.

I'll go, no you don't. And two small puffy ones on the top. No. Yes. Honestly, God, no, you don't. And two small, puffy ones on the top. No. Yes. Honestly, I need it. Do you know what? We did this on... We recorded the last of the series of Room 101.

And Fiona Bruce put in people who have all those pillows on their bed piled up. Oh, she'll never be a bedfellow for me. And I haven't written it off. And I had a bit of Fiona Bruce foresight. How many of those can I do today? I was told I look like Fiona Bruce this week. Really? How do we feel about that?

She's about six foot tall for a start-off. I'm coming out of this comparison well. What am I getting at? Anyway, carry on. She's got a BBC Newsreader voice. Oh, has she? You know, I... Yeah.

Yeah. I understand completely. She'd do a great boy named Sue. Roman Abramovich. It was Gatlinburg in mid-July. My clothes were wet and my throat was dry. So, yes, I know I made an impassioned plea for the single pillow thing.

I can't understand anyone who can possibly sleep unless they've got very, very long shoulders. Anyway, I don't want to replicate the dazzling wit that I displayed on that show. I think people should have to wait for that. I'm saving myself. Okay. But I think that's very important. Doesn't it push your head up

we'll talk so did you entertain when Buzz was being born were you cracking the funnies to cheer up Kath I hope you weren't that would have been awful to be honest I watched the videos I was really impressed by Robby's dancing

I shouldn't be surprised by this but I thought he was a really good dancer. He's a lovely man. Dancing to his own music. But I don't know if a middle-aged man making shapes at an emergency caesarean is completely appropriate, so I

didn't. Also, me scrubs kept falling down. No, they did. I could not keep me... I don't know where fat the people are who have... They must be aimed at... It shows what's happened to people in this country, but the scrubs, the elasticated waste was so, like, big

that they kept falling down, and I thought, I don't want to expose myself in the operating theatre. They might propose an ad hoc wart removal. And then I'd have to explain, that's actually an engagement ring, I can't get it off there. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I should just say, Frank, we've had a sartorial review of Steve's outfit this morning. I'm afraid Julie has commented on the Twitter, not sure on the roll-ups on the jeans.

That's mainly because it was a little bit wet. So I try and avoid them. I work with a guy who I love very much, but he used to wear he wore those trousers that hang around you know, halfway down your bottom and he was like late 30s and I used to say, you can't wear those when you're late 30s

he'd say, oh no, I lost a bit of weight and they just hang in there Oh no If you want to show a bit of Chelsea boot do you not want to show a bit of boot? Is that not the way to do it? Come on, you've rolled up your jeans you want to show a bit of Chelsea boot, do you not want to show a bit of boot? Is that not the way to do it? Come on, you've rolled up your jeans. You want to be like Gene Autry.

If I knew who that was, I'm sure I would want to be them. He's a cowboy singer. I like that Frank went footballers' tents. You've rolled up your jeans. You've looked up. You've looked down. I'm not, so I'm quite Autristic. Is that like Gene Autry? Autristic. Is that like Jean Autry? Autristic.

Yes, OK. Is that grammatically correct? I don't know, but what I'm going to call it is very you. Anyway, poor Steve's clothes have been torn apart this morning. If only they had. In a shredder, in a fashion shredder. Why don't you have one of those erected at the door, a fashion shredder, so if anyone comes in, I don't know if my Gotham City match would last very long.

I don't think so, and nor does Tim Wilde, who has tweeted us to say... Tim Wilde? No, Tim, the brother. Oh, Tim Wilde. Is it your tribute band? Tim Wilde. I couldn't be friends with him. I'd laugh every time I said his name.

He's let his jacket down. He's let himself down. He's let Absolute Radio down. Yeah. What's happening is I left the house thinking, oh, I look all right this morning. Yeah, well, that's often the way. That illusion has been shattered.

The elephant man used to think that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, Rob. What did you think of it, Frank? I was a bit... I want to give him the benefit of the doubt on the tour announcement. I know. Because the fact is, you can't...

He wouldn't have, when he conceived that child, he wouldn't have thought, well, when it's born, that'd be a good time to announce a tour, surely. It's all been quite convenient. Come on, help me out. It's an unusual world tour as well. Because in the video where he announces every place, he says, I'm going to go to Tel Aviv, and he says he's going to go to Minsk.

Just going, oh, not doing so well then. He said he's going to crack off. He said he's going to, yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. I remember John Inman telling me he was going to Minsk, and then he did. But would you have done that? No. No, let me finish. in and tell him he was going to Minsk. And then he did. I... But would you have done that? No. No, let me finish.

If it was, let's say, if you'd have danced to the Doctor Who theme or something, which I can sort of see. No, would you have... I know you don't like Twitter, I know you don't like anything like that, but would you have filmed any of it properly? What, the birth?

Yeah. Only for my own thing. If you had a tour to announce, you wouldn't do the Venga boys dance in your pants. No, he would do that. Oh, I'd do that. Man in a suit. Yeah.

But I'm trying to keep bars pixelated for as long as possible. Yeah, yeah. But I think it's a thing that what celebs have done now is the sort of beating the tabloids at their own game because tabloids used to expose very, very private and personal moments from celebrities' lives. And now celebrities do it.

And the tabloids are thinking, oh, I don't know, what should I do? Tabloids are thinking, oh, that's a bit off. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that is cheap. I mean, come on, he's entitled to some privacy. It's really true, Ben. It is, sir.

They've completely undermined. They've beaten them by joining them. They've hoist themselves. It's interesting, though, because I'm not aware. I don't remember a time where Robbie Williams was famous at the same time that Russell Brand was massively famous. And they're sort of two... It's like if Robbie Williams watched a lot of Morecambe and Wise

and Russell Brand decided to spend that time half-reading Noam Chomsky, but they're almost the same genesis, and then they've gone, one's become more of a light entertainer and one's become a revolutionary. But they're essentially the same person. Do you think? That was the latest in the Guardian series of

lectures. What do you think Tom Paul is? This is why Steve is an occasional pleasure rather than a solid mainstay. And a quiet taste. Be team and proud of it fellas, Be team and proud of it, fellas. Be team and proud of it. No, no.

I like it when Steve gets intellectual. No, I, you know, I've just never thought of them in the same place as Robbie and Thingy. Did you ever interview Robbie? I like calling Russell Van Thingy. I've never interviewed Robbie, no. But I've met him several times. He interviewed me recently in a doctor's waiting room,

which some of our regular listeners may know. Don't you remember, Stevie, so I'm in the waiting room? Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. I always like... There's a young Robbie Williams is in a MacLads video to try and get rid of the intellectual stain. Like, a very young Robbie is in the Mac Lads video to New Key Brown. I know the Mac Lads.

Can I say I'm a great champion of intellectualism? Have you met Robbie Williams? Can I say? No, no, Russell Howard, whose show I write on, has met him a few times in a gym. Well, you can't just do that by proxy. No. That's pretty much my entire career is by proxy.

That's a bit farther than you like, George. Someone said you and your proxy career, or something like that. Oh, I mean, come on. Can I just say I've met him? Who, Robbie Williams? Yeah. I've met him millions of times. Can I say he was in the Three Lions video?

Was he? The second one, yeah. But who wasn't? Or was it the first one? Let's be honest, who wasn't? Paul Coyer. That's all I can think of. Paul Coyer that's all I can think of

so I'm going to join in and start putting a blog of my own bin contents that's what they'll do videoing their own bin contents eh? eh? I'll say eh? Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio it's lovely to be back Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, it's lovely to be back. It's lovely to have you back, Steve. This is a sweet release for me at the moment, because we're currently in the new series of Russell Howard's Good News, which I worked with. Yeah, you keep mentioning that. Blimey.

Oh, I keep plugging it. I mean, we have to get the writers on to plug it. Russell Howard won't come on. Remember he was going to come on, he blew us out 24-hour notice. Did he really? Yeah, so don't come on here plugging his show if he can't be bothered. I was unaware of that. Oh, well, there you go.

It's probably before I was involved. The series has got much better since I got involved. I've been a writer for the last three series. Yeah, maybe you should be writing jokes for yourself rather than for other people. Oh, here we go, Frank and his career advice again. people again frank's career i don't want steve to look back and think i think if only i hadn't worn that jacket i could have got those if only i hadn't gone on that show and frank hadn't given me career advice no not to think that you planted all your flowers in someone else's garden that's what i'm worried about carry on that's it that about. Carry on. That's the title

of my autobiography, sorted. Planting all my flowers in someone else's garden. Because you're just that bloke who wrote for Russell Howard. Carry on. Every now and then I get a crumb of... You could be a contender, Steve. You need to leave this now.

It's coming from a place of love. It is. I know it is, but still you need to leave it. Okay. It's a kiss with a fist. Yeah, what a party that was. So, we've had two episodes so far, and I achieved three seconds of fame. I was in a sketch, and I had to appear. Oh, you were in it as well?

I was in it, yeah. What, you were actually in it? For all of three seconds. Let's not build this up to anything bigger than it is. Were in it as well? I was in it, yeah. What, you were actually in it? For all of three seconds. Let's not build this up to anything bigger than it is. Were you on the television? I was on the television. Which one was it, BBC Five? BBC Two.

BBC Five. Oh, that's good. Not since the heady days of We Are Clang has my face been on telly. And so many people have gone, yep, that's fine. So what were you doing? I had a dart embedded in my head.

It was a sketch about the UKIPs. And it was based on the idea because the UKIP try and present themselves as we're just people down the pub. So we tried to be, what would the sketch idea was what would be the reality of a party that did all its business down the pub. Can we say that Absolute Radio

does not profess any political preferences? No, but I vote Labour. Anyway, carry on. Ditto, darling, ditto. Frank's gone a vote Labour. Anyway, carry on. Ditto, darling, ditto. Frank's gone a bit quiet. The Tories always do. I'm green. Then you find

whenever you say... I couldn't get it off from last night. Frank, whenever you say after the election or how did you vote, and whenever they say I don't like to tell people what I voted, Tory, Defo. Well, at best. That's what worries me, is it might have gone a bit worse than that. Shall I mention, I got a couple of messages.

Can I say a friend of mine called Martin once went to a football match. I think it might have been Bristol City. No. He was on the terraces rather than, this was in the days of terraces as well. Yeah. And someone threw a dart and it went in his head in the days of terraces as well. Yeah. And someone threw a dart and it went in his head. Wow. A stock in his head.

No. And he went to the St John's ambulance tent and the St John's... He said he went in and the St John's ambulance bloke just... He said, look, I've got this dart, and he just pulled it out, and said, there you go. That's fantastic. That was the treatment.

Wasn't really the point, that I couldn't, I just, is it alright to, like, Stay out of the black and in the head. Hey! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve, death of a clown, whore. Steve, what? I'll come back. I once heard Ray Davis introduce his brother as Dave Death of a

Clown Davis but he had had a song out called Death of a Clown. I just liked it. It was a middle bit. Didn't mean anything by it. Terrible decision on your part. If you die this week I'm gonna be... Could you get any worse? Could you be any worse if you die this week? I have no stand up gigs die this week, I'm going to be... Could you get any worse? Could you be any worse?

I have no stand-up gigs in this week, so... I'll be upset that you've died, but excited that I have psychic powers. A weird kind of Bruce Forsythe. Exactly. There wasn't no real Bruce in that. Just do the thing. Do what you've got to do. Text in on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Pay no attention, Steve. It's fine. I've been on TV for three seconds, so I'm all right. Have you? I've had a dart in my head. What? It's OK.

Oh, the dart. So this has got me thinking. Yeah, so this has got me thinking. Can I say, by the way, before you continue, Can I say, by the way, before you continue, if any of our readers have had one of those brief moments of fame on telly, like I was in the crowd at the Oval, very clearly visible in the front row,

when someone threw a strawberry at Shane Warne. Well, you asked Frank Skinner. Oh, yes, if it was Shane Warne, yeah. Yeah, but it's very exciting when you... Oh, it's so exciting. Just to be... If you're on... I prefer it, to be honest. What, being on the telly to not being on the telly? No, I prefer the fleeting moment.

Yes, it is. If I see a friend in a fleeting... If anyone was one of those fat bellies on the... You know when they do those features on Obesity in Great Britain? They just show shots of bellies without faces. If you recognise your polo shirt, I'd love to hear it. The pixelated face.

What about when I was on... That's a lovely pub there. Have you ever been there? What about when I was on with Shawoddy Woddy? Were you? On what? Well, Hold Your Horses. I don't remember that. Was that one of John Sullivan's early pilots? No, I was at the Swap Shop Roadshow

Oh okay As a result of my family connections And we were at the Swap Shop Roadshow And I got picked as one of the children To sit on the stage with Shawody Woddy playing And I was a big fan Yeah Darts were on that bill as well I seem to recall

Oh that's a coincidence Dave Yeah darts Rita Ray Darts were on their bill as well, I seem to recall. Oh, that's a coincidence, Dave. Yeah, darts. Rita Ray. They picked the nice, sort of middle-class looking children, if I'm honest. Not the tartrazine children that watched ITV. They picked the BBC children that read Narnia. And I was one of them.

The tartrazine children. I've never seen someone slammed through the flavorings. I was sat on the stage, and he came over, the lead singer. I can't remember his name, but I'm sure our readers will help us out. Dave, was it? Yes. Dave something? Oh, yes. Anyway, readers, I'm sure you'll know.

He came over to me, and it was a love song, and he touched me under the chin, in a nice fatherly way, can I just say? Yeah, there were different times. Yeah. me under the chin in a nice fatherly way can i just say there were different times yes i i i saw shawadi wadi live not with you on stage but that's lovely that you sat it's like the children's mass when sometimes the priest gets the children to come up and sit around i'll never forget that brothel creeper i don't think you should call him that. I just want to check my... This tea tastes a bit... Hold on a minute.

Oh, no, it's fine. Do you know what? I just cut to Bob saying, in probably about a year, Dad put that away. It's really embarrassing. See, this is another thing. The police badge and then a sonic screwdriver.

I really don't want to give up the sonic screwdriver. I really don't. I don't have to. Why should I have to? Nobody's made... That's yours. That's yours to keep. That money's safe.

Did I tell you about the time I played an animatronic parrot? No. Is this a lie? No, no, this is the truth. This is one of my fleeting... Well, it didn't even appear. My voice appeared. I'll tell you after this.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner. of my fleeting, well it didn't even appear I said my voice appeared I'll tell you after this Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I can't remember the name of the shawody what are you? Dave Bartram very good, thanks so you were an animatronic parrot? Yes

this was a pilot called Woodcock, set aboard a sort of pirate ship. That's terrible. And a pirate, pilot, pirate, parrot. It's all, sorry, very confusing. It was quite a cast. Who was in it?

Bernard Scales was in it. Oh, that's good. Anyone else? Imelda Staunton. Oh, OK. Michael Angelis. Michael Greco, now you're talking. Not Michael. Oh, that's good. Anyone else? Imelda Staunton. Oh, OK. Michael Angelis. Michael Greco? Now you're talking. Not Michael Greco. He wasn't... He'd be good as a pirate, though.

It was pre-Greco. That's what I... When they said it was PG, I thought that's what they meant. So, yeah, so I was the voice of the parrot. I was brought in... I didn't write it. Can I make that? Before I explain what the joke was.

It was called Jasper Parrot. So they wanted someone with a West Midlands accent to voice it. Why didn't they just get Jasper Carrot? He was too big for it then. Oh, was he unavailable? Yeah. And you were Will Drive Self? Yeah, and so I turned...

Yeah, Will do last minute Drive Self. I arrived. And there was two poppatinas and i said i'd like quite i quite like to operate the parrot myself if i may so i sat in this like enormous it was it was a fabulous it's like tron i sat in this big like a harnessing with two and you can make it like you know slightly uh put its head at a jaunty angle. Oh. Yes. Fantastic. Yeah, I quite enjoyed that. I was on the Kilroy once.

I was invited on to talk about comedy. I call it the Kilroy. Tasting comedy, and I never spoke in the audience. What did you say in the audience? I was in the audience, and then I thought, I'll come in with a big gag in a minute. And then he said, well, anyway, thanks very much. It's been a lovely evening. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Skinner. I remember the researcher looked at me after and was sort of, oh, you've really let me down.

What about when Daisy, the producer, appeared on Vanessa? Did you appear on Vanessa? I know what it was she did as well. She went to miss it. What was it, Daisy? They made over my bed. They made over your bed? Yeah, she was a student and she needed the money. They talked to her

about her bed and they just said, I think they just cut to her at the end and said, what do you think? She went, lovely. Thanks, Sam. That was all we got time for on the Vanessa show this week. This was when the makeover show was in its infancy. At that point they were just doing items of furniture on the entire house.

I hope that's on YouTube somewhere. They were into the studio, the bed. The horrible studio. Your bed was in the studio. Wow. It's like being Tracy Emin watching at home had a brilliant idea. Yes, like Oopsy Daisy from On The Night Garden.

The bed follows her around. They made her a quilt, Frank. Did they? Blimey. You've kept this quite... Did you keep the maid over bed? Is it still... My mum just threw something away from it

that she found. Your mum threw away something from your Vanessa bed? Oh, blimey, that's like the algae marbles going. Because if she had, like, her own craft show, she could call it Vanessa Felts. Oh! Come on, let's get that.

Let's pitch it. Commission time six. Old Fuzzy Felts. Yeah, that'd be good. Yes! Fuzzy Felts! She did a thing about craft and waxing. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world.

Anne Crick has emailed. Yeah, we were asking if people have had strange fleeting television appearances. Yeah, like Marsha Waddy Waddy. You know, behind news reporters and stuff like that. Anne says that she was caught singing along with her daughter to the chorus of White Room at the Cream reunion concert in 2005. That's quite a good...

If you're going to be singing... Because the only singing you see on telly is usually People reporting before an England game And they get people going Why you have to boy As if that's a bit of local colour But White Room And apparently it gets shown on TV quite a lot

The concert film on BBC4 And things like that Can you imagine how excited they get We're on again tonight When I went to an event once at Planet Hollywood I should say PC4 and things like that. Can you imagine how excited they get? Yeah, we're on again tonight. When I went to an event once at Planet Hollywood, I should say, I was... Planet Hollywood is the DVD. Me and Vanessa are on the cover.

I should say, I was an invited member of the media. Do you know what I mean? This was in a media event. Is this when you were the editor-at-large at the London Evening Standard? I believe I was. And you may recall that was the night... Editor-at-large, she'd escaped.

You may recall that was the night I met Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, and the propositions you had. He expressed an interest, shall we say. I told him I'd get back to him, and I didn't. That was one slam-donkey miss. Didn't go to the love shack.

Oh, lovely. Very good. Anyway, that's none of your business. I was in Planet Hollywood, but I was, as I say, a member of the Invited Media in a private party with celebrities there, of which I felt part of these people in this group. The next day, they did some footage. Can I remind you that I own a leather bomber jacket

with the Planet Hollywood logo on the back? You may. I wish you hadn't. Thank you. Anyway, the next day, they're doing some I See London Tonight or whatever, and they cut to a shot of me saying, astonished diners looked on whilst they ate their meals. They were acting as if I was a civilian

who just dropped into the restaurant. Oh, so you were an astonished diner. Yeah, I was an astonished diner. That's a pretty good thing to be, though. What was that on, London Tonight? Oh, are you going to look it up? I just loved it. On your CV, astonished diner, London Tonight.

So humiliating. We should, can I say, during the last music break, we've discovered also, having heard Daisy's incredible bed makeover story, Charlie then, I mean, it's like we've been living on the witness protection programme. Suddenly said, oh yeah, well I did as the car insurance advert.

I mean, this has never, all these things have stayed, these people have led secretly. And you then said, I hope you won't wear a bikini. Yeah, well that's a bit more in context than that. I didn't mean that she shouldn't have worn a bikini yeah well i did that's a bit more in context than that i mean that she you know that that she shouldn't have worn a bikini but she said she leaned across a car and i thought oh no it's one of those oh dear and then daisy very nonchalantly arms folded as she

sometimes does so when i was on news night goodness what mean, for goodness, what's going on? In front of us? The secrets are coming out. Well, we've never been on Newsnight, have we? No. You know what I don't know? I haven't been on Newsnight. No.

And I've never had my bed made over by Vanessa. Certainly not by Fuzzy Feltz. No. Well, it was made over. She didn't mean it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Here's one more, then. Go on. The Nat West trophy final, cricket final at Lourdes. Oh, yeah. It was Warwickshire versus Gloucestershire. I've been a member at Warwickshire for some... So 2000, you're going through your, I'm calling it your Union Jack shirt phase. Yes, well, yes, probably.

And so anyway, there was a bunch of Warwickshire fans in the crowd. And they had T-shirtsshirts each with an individual letter that spelt out come on you bears which is the nickname of Warwickshire County Cricket Club and I was the O in come yeah

so they had a shot of us all in our t-shirts but they never picked up on it it was me on the telly who put the T in Great Britain. Exactly. Yeah, so that was... I was very pleased with that. I like these characters.

I've got one... There was a Bob Monkhouse gig I went to. And Bob Monkhouse was absolutely brilliant. But it was him debating against students at the Oxford Union. It was an awful, awful programme. It was filmed, they were expecting it to be a primetime thing, and it was so terrible, they eventually put it out at about two in the morning,

because he was wonderful, and the students were just being oiks, and just horrible, obnoxious Oxford types. It was awful. And so I'm... Apparently, I'm... There's only Oxford University students listening. Can we apologise for that stereotyping?

Oxford Union. I went to Oxford. This is Oxford Union people. No, Steve went to Oxford. Oh, he had to get that in. He had to get that in. I was wondering why he brought that up. But not the Oxford Union, which is the private.

It's not even the proper student union. It's a private member. I am impressed that you had confidence. But he was actually kicked out of the union. He's been bitter ever since. No, but Frank... They dissed my jacket and they tried to give me career advice. Well, is it your jacket or did you steal

it from Algernon that night? Can I just say I'm impressed that you went to Oxford. Bless your heart. I'm impressed that anyone goes to Oxford. So am I. I mean, the parking's impossible. Apparently I'm over one of the students' shoulders. My mate saw it when it went out.

And I was very... Like a killed stag. Yeah, they sort of... The students gave their bits from the crowd. So there were people behind them for Atmos. And apparently the whole time I'm shaking my head and sneering in disgust. Really?

There's loads of stolen jokes in what they were doing and just awful, awful arguments being put forward. This mock debate and it's just me just going... Tutting away. So I'm quite proud. No, that's good. Do you have it? I don't have it.

So if... I don't know if it exists in any... It's so awful, I imagine it's not even on the obscurest of YouTube channels. I bet it's in Bob Monkhouse's gallery. Because he had everything, of course. It's good, I'd like to see that. Sounds like a really... Sounds good, doesn't it? He's brilliant. If you can

ignore the students, he's wonderful. Yes, that's always a good motto. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner,, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If you've got any faulty electrical goods at home, if your fan's playing up, your watt is a bit slow, just hold them close to the radio.

Just for one second. You got it there? You got that, George Foreman, lean green grilling machine? That hasn't quite been operating at full rate. OK, hold them there. You got that, George Foreman, lean green grilling machine? That hasn't quite been operating at full rate. OK, hold them there. There'll be absolutely no problem with those afterwards. That's that done. That's my good deed for the day. I really hope there'll be someone who has to have started working. Yeah, of course. I tell you what, you regalability's correct.

You know what I meant to ask Adele last night? Did you talk to Adele? See, I didn't... No. I only saw... In fairness, I only saw her in the sidebar of shame the next day. But I had seen her, but I didn't know it was her, if you get my meaning. Wasn't she Mexican Day of the Dead? Look. Yes. There was all sorts of lace going on. I'll tell you what I wanted to ask her about. I've got my humbug in

shall we take them out together humbug out time humbug out time thank you Sue for that ad hoc jingle slightly sleazy one perhaps we should briefly explain that I

I told you last week readers that Daisy reprimanded me for... While we were being congratulated about good ratings, I said, let me take this opportunity to say, can we get some better sweets in the foyer? And one of the bosses of Absolute Radio has dealt with this problem by sending me personally a bag of humbugs. It says Frank Sweets on it. I mean, it is a bit

embarrassing, I'm not going to lie. I wasn't embarrassed. They're very nice. No, but they shouldn't have indulged your demands. Can we be straight about this? This is coming from Emma. Do you know what? Do you know what? I can't argue with that. You're absolutely bang on.

I have no right and I retract that statement. Yeah, also, don't say that while your mouth is still salivated with one of those humbugs. Maybe you can up the stakes. If they've gone for the sweets, what else is there not enough of in the foyer? There's not enough small, intimate gigs by the fall in the foyer. I'm disappointed they've never done it in the fall

for one of their small, intimate gigs, I must say. But anyway, can't have everything in life. Can I say that that piece of hypocrisy was classic Hombug? It was, mate! So you get a laugh like that in Gotham and you think, oh, that's an unusual laugh that that bloke's got. Then you've got to, of course, he's going to be the Joker when he grows up. That's how it works.

I'm glad I was guilty of that, because it allowed you to walk into that fabulous pond. Yes, exactly. See, we all help each other on this show. It's like a house of cards. Anyway, Adele, the reason I wanted to accost her last night was because I'm rather obsessed with this... Have you heard about this Phil Collins

bit of fisticuffs going on between those two? Phil's upset, isn't he? Phil said of Adele, I'll tell you exactly what he said. He said, she's a slippery little fish, is Adele. Which I love. I love because it's a bit of a Nana insult as well. The way he said, is Adele afterwards.

But he's upset. He was meant to be doing a song for her album. It all went a bit quiet. I think he did it, didn't he? I think he did the song. Oh, did he? Well, all I know is that it went quiet and we all know what that means when it goes quiet.

We've all been there. Yes, it's right. Like when I wrote to Al and Benny asking if you wanted us to write a play together. What did he say? He did reply, though. I know. He didn't just avoid me.

He replied in a very nice way, actually. She didn't. She just said, when he eventually got in touch with her, she said, oh, no, I'm moving house and the baby's taking up a lot of my time. Oh, what a lie. One of the great joys of parenthood is the excuse on legs. Yeah.

Well, I've said that and I haven't even got a baby. Yeah, well, here you go. That's where I've been. But I found this quite awkward, didn't you? I mean, it's a shame because I don't know if... I think, you know,

there's only so much room on an album, Phil, if you're listening. Yeah. And that's probably not true, is it, actually? Probably you could always stick an extra track on.

I don't know. I mean, I think I've said to you before that I never understand how there are any doubles in tennis because I could never I could never go over to I don't know Rafa Nadal and say do you fancy being my doubles partner

I couldn't cope with that awkwardness terrible and whenever I see feet you know feet Rihanna or something on a label I mean I think I oh, I wonder how that was done. You know, did they meet at a party? You know, you've got to be really confident. The number of fake kind of, oh, yeah, I'd love to write a song with you.

Yeah, and then, so, you know, but Feet Phil Collins, it turns out, maybe we're not going to see on the new album. On the new Adele. Which for me is a loss. Well, you got the age wrong. Because the next album should be called 24, I think, shouldn't it? They're all their age. I know as a music DJ I should know that.

But he added some years on. He said the next album, 29. Oh, slam. I figured since I won Best Beat Programme, I don't have to worry so much about that. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was rather enjoying reading about Phil Collins. What do you mean? I make tights. I don't run a cab company. Sorry. Phil Collins. Because I haven't heard much from Phil Collins in a few years and he's been in the story in the news a few times. Oh, Rob, that is. Make a brother feel all warm inside, why don't you?

Yeah, I mean, if he's listening now. Yeah. He's had some, what have they, he's had Can't Hurry Love. Yeah, that's going back a bit, isn't it? What's the other one? Susudio. Oh, that was lovely, Susudio. It was an excellent game, other one? Susudio. Oh, that was lovely, Susudio. That was an excellent game.

You used to flick the football players. What does that mean, Susudio? I think can't hurry love is what he says to his girlfriend when they're walking uphill. I can't hurry love. He did the music for Brother Bear. He got the casting in the Try and Robberage movie. Oh, Buster.

No, you were Ulster Man. Didn't we get a message to say that he's not called Ulster Man? Oh, yeah, bear with me. You talk about Susudio and I'll find this message. So Phil Collins has also been in this because he's obsessed with the Alamo. And he had a huge collection of Alamo memorabilia, presumably bought with his alimony. Lovely. collection of Alamo memorabilia, presumably bought with his alimony.

Lovely! But he's just donated it all to a museum in Texas, so a museum of the Alamo, and he's about 200 items. I felt it might have been a museum of the Alamo. Yeah. If it had been like an optometrist, history of optometry, it would have been just stupid.

He's had various knives, David Crockett's Bowie knife. But is it Bowie knife or Bowie knife? Well, it would be Bowie knife in America. But one imagines it was probably Jim Bowie. Jim Bowie invented the Bowie knife. Ah, right. But I don't know if he was at the Alamo.

Crockett was, of course. Yes. And Tubbs. That's his Miami voice. I made that leap, and as I left, I thought, that's a terrible mistake. Also, he won't know that because he was on the drink back then. Yes, that's true. I made that leap, and as I left, I thought, that's a terrible mistake. Also, he won't know that because he was on the drink back then. Yes, that's true. I didn't get it, but I was prepared to laugh along.

He didn't have a telly. He didn't have a toothbrush. That's... So... What happened in Phil Collins' life that he thought, you know what, I'm going to get rid of my Alamo memorabilia? Apparently he's been obsessed with it. He used to be obsessed with westerns when he was a kid in the 50s, so it's growing up seeing cowboys. Steve, why do you know

so much about Phil Collins? I'd like to keep abreast. Does your life feed Phil Collins in some way? It does. My life is strictly no jacket required. I should have taken his advice. I've realised. We've come full circle.

We have come full circle. That's tremendous. And I've got this news just in on the Ulster Man. And a very good Doctor Who story, full circle. Carry on. This news just in on the Ulster Man. Oh, yes. Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve-O.

I think you'll find the Ulster Man was actually known in the underworld as the Ulster Man, as he suffered terribly with stomach problems. Do you think that's real real or is it a joke? Yes, I was curious to see what Emily looks like, so I had a look on your website. To my surprise, she looks like a version of Adele, he says. I don't think that's accurate. I think

Adele looks like Roisin Conaty, and I mean that as a compliment to both of them. What about the ulcer man? I wonder if there was two ulcer men in the underworld. Peptic and Duodenal. Anyway, we come to the end of the show now. We're going to have to leave it there. We're going to have to leave Phil Collins hanging, as it were.

Oh, dear. If someone's just tuned into that, they'll think, is that a newsflash? I mean, he's taken it bad. How would Adele feel then? I wouldn't buy the album, would you? It'd be blood on the tracks. Blood on the tracks, of course, very excellent, Bob Dylan album.

And, yes, thank you very much for listening today. And you know what? I'm going to go with that reader. I think he was absolutely spot on. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. was absolutely spot on. Now get out.